Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 7 - Carfoonist (Live from Emerald City Comic Con)

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

The Baron finds an old episode Arnie forgot to upload, from two days before the seige of Hogsface. Our hosts learn about magic paint from a “carfoonist.” CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenCharles Schmutz: Scott KurtzKobold Hunters: Jay and Miles of Jay & Miles XPlain the XmenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzPhoto Credit: Beatriz Ilacqua-HooverSpecial Thanks: Emerald City ComiconCraig-Cast Theme Music: Loping Sting Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensecreativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Attention Earth Peter Pan syndrome community. The following podcast is not real, and not only that, it was not recorded live back in

March at Emerald City Comic Con in Seattle. That's right, this episode dates back to when the Dark Lord's Victory was just an index card in the writer's room we don't have. Also, there's a bunch more framing devices going on this week, so loosen up those brows for extra furrowing. Enjoy the show! Hello, test test. All right, good deal. People of earth, please attend carefully.

I am Baron Shanglebirth Regune, steward of the Shrike Valley, and humble minion of the Dark Lord, on whose behalf I say unto you, hello, from the Magic Tavern. Grondel, play the pipe. Yeah, very good. I guess I should explain why you hear me casting the pod this week, a fair not your regular host, Arnie Chantaine, you said all remain unharmed, but humble as prisoners of the Dark Lord here in the town of Hogsface. But this week, in a moment of rebellion,

Arnie Neacamp threatened not to do the podcast anymore. So to prove that none made a fire the Dark Lord, and that should he wish he can contact Earth himself with or without Arnie's assistance, we confiscated Arnie's concutor. It's pretty exciting stuff. Now I'll admit, when I've spoken into the microphone in the past, I was just having a conversation as a traveler and a tavern, so it's not really clear to me what needs to

be said here, but luckily on this first try it appears that we have an episode already prepared. Arnie Chountain Yusidor had recorded this after episode 99, but prior to episode 100. But it seems it was never cast to your world, or at least it returned without having reached its destination. Episode 100 is of course, when the dark lord graced this pitiful waterhole with his glorious presence, seized this town, and made prisoners of all who dwell here. It was something to behold behold let me tell you.

As you listen, do please note the naïve optimism on display. The foolish belief of the hosts that they can stand up to the dark Lord, as though their petty schemes were any match for his terrible machinations. I should warn you, I have listened to the beginning, and there is an other worldly voice that doesn't seem to be coming from anyone here in Hogs face. I'll be asking my magicians, and witches, to try and find the source, but in the meantime, enjoy. Or, I don't know, are you supposed to enjoy this? Endure? Listen. We will slot warning people of Earth and specifically people of Seattle. The following podcast is not real.

But it is being recorded live for the Emerald City Comic-Con. Thanks for taking a break from the Daily Frazier cosplay to attend. And here's a thing for your Uber fans. Earth time proceeds differently than phone time. So this recording takes place between episodes 99 and 100. Time is funny isn't it? Well not funny haha, but funny non-linear entrapped in a self-fulfilling cycle of destruction. If this doesn't mean anything to you, congratulations you're probably in a relationship. Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is an odd time to start. But that's fine. This is all you really need to know. About a year and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune.

Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast. Thank you. Ah, thank you, Yusidar. Those backrobs, well, I give this beginning part as what gets me through. I use that to upload a podcast I record every week

here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we all are now, in the town of Hogg's face, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, bummer buddies, bummer co-hosts, Yusidor. I am Yusidor. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Always, bummer buddies, bummer co-hosts, use it or? I am use it or, Wizard of the 12th Rail, Merva Fesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Minipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockets, the elves, Nomea's Fying, Yelik. Thank you, Yelik. Shut up, the dwarves, Nomea's Zoninook's Stangies, and shut up, and I shut up! And I am known in the northeast as Gaston-Wainius Maystall, and there may be... Other secret names.

This is a real dark horse favorite. I think it's because it's the one you didn't come up with. And there are the secret names you may not know. Names of great power and terror that would destroy an entire city if they were uttered aloud Has your name ever destroyed an entire city? Yes, I once destroyed the city of Slim. I've I've never heard of the city of Slim. You well They were famous for they had a gymnasium, but then when you source full name was said,

a bolt of lightning struck and just snapped into the slim gym. Oh, of course. Hey, buddy. Hey. I am also joined by my co-host, Chump, the King of the Banger. Oh, yeah, baby. So I don't talk about this enough, but you are a sheepshifter.

Yes, I am. You are not just a talking badger, that kind of looks a little bit like a skunk. Yeah, well, no, that's, I think that's just genetic. Yes, I am a sheepshifter, so I do have the capability to change into other creatures. Should I have into capability to change into other creatures. Should I have inter-to-to-a? What's that now?

What's inter-to-a? That's what I call intercourse. Oh, okay. It just sounds fancier. If you told somebody you had intercourse or inter-to-a, which one's going to start a conversation? Probably both, but. Inter-to-a sounds a little bit more well to do. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So guys, I'm so excited. We're going to finally leave

to defeat the Dark Lord in two days. Yeah. Two days we embark upon the greatest quest that any man, Elford Wolf, is heir known. Ah, yeah, use the door. She'll finally strike out and destroy that dark lord that has held us back for so long. And nothing shall come between us and our goal. Not a thing. And also, we're going to use the lunar sword. Woo! Woo!

I mean, honestly, I went downtown and placed a bed on us. 101 to win. I said we're going to win. Oh. I don't see what could go wrong. placed a bet on us. 101 to win. I said we're gonna win. So I don't see what could go wrong. Yeah, absolutely. We got the Lunar Sword. I'm never gonna lose this. Uh, although I have to confess,

I briefly lost the Lunar Sword this morning. What? I briefly lost it. I was like, you know how you're leaving the house and you're like, keys, wallet, phone, and everyone's phone you forget when you're like, how did I do phone, and everyone's phone, you forget when you're like, how did I do that? I'm usually like, you know, bag of money, lunar sword.

I'm like, ah, I don't have the lunar sword. Great story. LAUGHTER Arnie, you're sword, I did want to talk to you this morning about since the battle is coming up, we wanted to talk to you about not just physical strength, not just fighting the enemy with the lunar sword, but also being able to mentally combat the enemies.

Oh, wow, what kind of mental challenges will we be expected to have on this side? Oh, there's no challenges. We know that you can't do challenges or math, but it's just a lot of like, when you see, like if you're fighting someone, and like you take a minute to just be like, what are those pants?

And they're like, what? And you're just like yikes. And then they put down their sword of like, what do you mean? I'm just like, no, are those the pants you're going to wear to fight? And they're like, I thought so. You know, you just get in their head. Oh, sure.

And it shuts them down. Yeah. You know? What kind of mind games do you play in battle? Similar ones. If I come up against a gelatinous cube, I say, are you going to wear those pants? And they say, I wear no pants at all.

And then they are confused for hours. Well, I sneak right past them. There's a lot of pants-related things. Yeah. It seems like a lot of pants. And I, yeah, I got to confess, like, are we going to meet a high percentage of creatures that are wearing pants?

You never know. You never know. Yeah, you never know. You never know. Yeah, you never know. You have to be prepared. I haven't thought about this at all. I must spend some time consulting one of my talismans as I think about whether or not our enemies shall have pants. He's gonna be like that for a while. There is a car on the condensate.

You know, some might wear shorts. You know, some might wear cargo pants. Do you have cargo pants on earth? You have cargo pants on earth. We do. There are pants with a lot of pockets. That's, yeah, same thing. Yeah. You know, I have to confess, maybe it's because I've been in food a long time. At first, food things and earth things were very different,

but over time, more and more, it's just like, do you have cargo pants? Yep, same here. Well, that's because of you, my friends. Oh, really? Yeah, we call that the Mothafet. I'm just glad that I brought cargo pants to the moon. Yeah. Yeah.

If there was one thing, a husky man from Chicago was going to bring to a magical world, it's loose-fitting pants with a lot of pockets. On that happy note, let's talk to our guest. Guys, I am so excited. We're going to talk to an artist. You know, we don't really talk about the arts in Foon as much as we probably could.

I'm so excited to talk to Charles Schmutz. Hello. Hey, Charles, now you're a car-foonist. I am. I am a professional car-foonist. I make car-foons. I don't know if you know much about the car-fooning arts. I make carfoons. I don't know if you know much about the carfooning arts. I do not. Well, it's known as the 12th art on Foon.

The 12th art? Yeah. There's small horses. One. Mm. Babies. Two. Ugly babies.

Three. Paintings. Four. Paintings of babies. Five. Paintings of ugly babies, six paintings of horses, seven, sex, eight, ugly sex,

ugly sex, nine paintings of ugly sex, paintings of ugly sex, that's sad. You know, we don't talk about the decorations in the Vermilion Minotaur too much, surprising amount of paintings of ugly sex in this place. Well, there was a big fad a couple years ago, the big ugly sex with the big eyes, painting film. Thanks for interrupting right before we got to 11.

Oh, sorry. Well, 11 is movies and then 12 is carfoons. Carfoons? Yeah. So, what are carfoons? You're not gonna ask what movies are? Wow. No, it's just going to be another cargo shorts thing.

Movies are when one of your neighbors is going to leave their house and go somewhere else. And they clearly need help, but you don't want to help them. So you just sit outside and watch them labor over all the boxes. And you just go, look at those movies. And every once in a while, if they're like taking a break you like snap your fingers and you go you hall But if that's an art form I might already be an artist. Yeah, what carfooning is is if you are Good enough at drawing what happened to that horse having some horse problems. Oh, no

I'll tend to the horse That's the that's the sixth, seventh, and eighth arc. You said, or can you put a pair of cargo shorts on them? Bing! Oh my god! Whoa! It happened! Carfooning is when an artist is good enough and trained enough.

He can use magic-infused paints and inks to bring his drawings to life. Oh, wow. To the light, boys and girls, from 9 to 900. When you turn 901, forget about it. Yeah. And I'm not licensed to entertain eight-year-olds. You have to be nine.

Let's not get into that. So your drawings come to life? Well, after quite a bit of training, yeah, you can't just... no one can just buy magic paint and try to bring... that would be disastrous. Sure. Like, what if it's a bad drawing? Well, that's the problem. So, you have to study for many, many years, you have to go to university, learn how to do this, because if you... Like, for example, my very first Carfoon idea, I was really excited about it. It was gonna be about this big fat orange cat with stripes.

I'd sounds great. Yeah. He hated Flenz days. Who doesn't hate Flenz days? I know. You see, the peel, the broad appeal. And so I had, you know, I'd sketched him and I broke out the magic paints

and I was thinking about who he is, and as I'm painting him, like, okay, what are his likes and wants and needs, and who does he live with, and it's coming to life, and then he suffocated because I forgot to draw him with lungs. Oh! And now his carfoon is that cat story,

but without the cat involved, which is just trippy. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Super trippy. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Super trippy. Yeah. I named him Marmaduke. And now it's called Marmaduke minus Marmaduke. Oh, man.

But no one knows what that means because they never saw Marmaduke because it's creepy because he's a dead cat. So you have to draw like everything. Like everything you forget to include this living creature has to live without. Yeah. And yet everyone can have kids. What?

What? The next time I try to make a car food come to life, I thought I nailed it. I was like, don't forget. Because you don't draw the lungs, but there's a way to draw a cat where it's clear it has lungs. Sure. That's why you want to university to get your training.

Yeah, you look at a cartoon cat, and you're're like that cat don't have lungs. No, yeah Well when it's dying in front of you and turning blue. Yeah, that was rough. I just said I'm so sorry And he was not anyway, and that's actually we had a famous carfunist in funes named Picaso and he went through a period where all he drew was animals with no lungs And they all suffocated and turned blue. That's called his blue period. Just reporting the history. Art history is important. You take that at Funevarsity. Yeah, and sure. Oh, Arnie, you've heard of Fuu and Oon to three goddesses. Yeah, the goddess of Fune.

Charles has this carfoon that reinterprets food in one as three females who come to food and live amongst the people. Their names are Angelica, Yelise and Peggy. And they come to food to work. Work, work. I feel like while you were talking, I realized three fundamental truths of the exact same time. One, that I wasn't going to understand what you're talking about. One, two. Wait, was that?

They were like, you're working some of those names really hard. If I'm a lion, a lion? Three. really hard. Like, if I, I just, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, new sponsors are coming up, and they are going to, they gave us a few coins to sort of talk about their business. Okay, so this is more of a missed connection. So we were clearing some cobalt's out of a sewer. Yeah, maintenance, like they chew through the pipes, and then you get the sewage, it's bad. You don't want cobalt in your suitors. Really sewage is bad enough by itself, I don't recommend it. And we got in a situation.

Like see sometimes we have these devices for clearing the cobalt, these high ordinance cobalt gentle pacifist clearing devices and the fuses sometimes they're a little bit off, a little bit short, a little few feet short. Blue my arms clean off. So anyway we come to and there's this dude, and he's distinctive. He looks and he's dressed kind of like you, but like, fancier? He smells like the devil's own... You can't say that here.

Oh, no, the other thing. There's a tavern. Okay, well anyway. Don't, come on, for the kids. Check. So anyway, he's got this long beard and a rope. It's all caked with, um, he's in the sewers, you know. You know, yeah.

I see a little hat, littler. Little very, very small. And anyway, we heard some stories around. We'd heard there'd been a bald guy brought back from the dead. We thought they were just stories. We really did not expect any of this. And we were unprepared for this. We assumed that these were the sort of urban legends.

You get when you're in sewers a lot, which, you know, the fumes. Yeah. Fumes and food, wordplay. So the next thing we know, my arms are clean back on, I missed them. And Jace got his face entirely back. And also we're wearing these very personally fitted leather pants. Which we do not wear first, they are not regulation uniforms for cobalt clearing. I just want to make it clear that we did dress correctly to all of the safety standards.

And I'm not sure what that had to do with the healing, but I guess the ball did got a pair too. I asked around afterwards, so I guess it's some kind of sanded thing with that. But were, uh, anyway, not sure how to get in touch with this guy. I don't know if Wizards, if you guys know each other, but... Miles, Miles, don't be racist. Not all Wizards know each other. Oh, geez. I know we do. Come on. Anyway, regardless.

Uh, we just want to say we got your pants cleaned if you want them back. So, uh, thanks, we just want to say we got your pants cleaned if you want them back. So thanks and that's all And of course visit me at usadorrocks.com My square space page. I have great idea for a new car food guys. Oh, what's that? Okay? It's about co-bolds that live in your toilet and it's called toilet bowls and you got a crap amol co-bolds that live in your toilet and it's called toilet bolts and you got to crap them all. It's going to be a hit. It's going to be a hit.

Now, are these co-bolds cute from have different powers? Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. That's a good idea. Yeah. Copyright in me. Trademark me. I want to learn a little bit more about like your studies. So how do you get into like magic? How do you get into the University of Carfooning? Like do you have to like draw a turtle?

Yeah, so you, well, so how I got in was they send out these little flyers and it was like, you know, can you draw this badger? And I was like, that's, I don't think that's a badger. I think that's a changeling and they're like, correct, you're in. Oh, yeah, just a trick question. Just a picture.

So they have to draw a chunk or is it a different changeling that happens to be a badger? I thought there were other, are you the only changeling? No, there's others, but I do pose for a lot of weird projects. Do you do that? Do you still do? We talked about this a little very early on

that you make a lot of extra money just posing for perverts. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like, I'll sit down and like a diaper and eat oatmeal and stuff. Or I'll do sit-ups while gardening, and they're just like, here's some coin. How else do you make money? Wait! You said, or do you do this too?

Oh yeah! What kind of stuff do they have you do? Well, a lot of times I come to someone's house early in the morning and I cast a spell of fire and lightning that terrifies them out of their bed and they say oh low a wizard has come to lay waste and tune mine home and I say yeah the wrath of usadors here destroy me, and then I like, you know, pee in a corner or something. I forgot to mention, if anybody listening out there on Earth has a question for us,

they can email us at chuntatgemail.com. That's chunt with six T's. Yeah, we love answering people's emails, so people want to email. We will always answer questions. So Charles, talk more about the ugly babies. If you ever had someone introduce you to their new kid because they just, they had a kid,

and they think that that's, that makes some special, and they just can't stop talking about their kid, even though the kid doesn't really do anything. And then you're like, all right, show me this kid. And it's an ugly kid. Sure. And then you have to figure out a way to pretend it's not ugly, but you know they know, and they know you know they know.

Yeah. That's art. That's art. I mean, there's an art to that. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And we had to study that.

You have to learn all the arts to be a carfunist, because you have to understand life to bring drawings to life. Like, how long do these things live? How long do they live on? Well, it used to be before Magic Paint got regulated that it would last forever, but then there was this one student

who dabbled in some dark art. Dark art, literally. No, yeah, really drab paints a lot of gr and blacks, and grays, brown, dark browns. And, well, the legend is, the students would say that that cartoonist was so angry and got turned down a lot by both guys and girls at school, and he just put all of his hate into his art and that he accidentally, we're not supposed to say, the legend is he accidentally created the dark Lord. And then they regulated magic paints

so that your carfoons die after like three weeks. Three weeks. They made it so that any paint sold in food is very, very tiny in miniscule. Yeah. And very tender to the touch. It's micro and it's soft. So any paint in food is Microsoft paint?

Oh, Microsoft paint. Time to check the basement. No, don't check the basement. No, don't check the basement. Don't check the basement. That looks pretty good. I'm going to the basement in the whole world. This is the reason Microsoft paint reminds me

we're about to go on a long journey. They keep Microsoft paint next to this sand that you use, because when you're done painting, and it's wet, you dry the paint by putting sand on it, and then you brush it off, and that's called Comic Sans. Oh! And everyone hates Comic Sans. Not a fan, everyone.

Sorry, I got an email here. This is from Aaron Morton. Aaron says, hey, what up? What up? Should we answer? Nope. There's also an email here from Macy, says for Yucidor. I don't know how she knew to ask this. He says, what was the name that destroyed Sclim?

They're all dead, so it shouldn't matter if we know it, right? It didn't just destroy that one specific city. It could destroy any city? Yes. Now granted, this city was mostly an outhouse next to a horsepost. So a city might be a strong description of what I destroyed. It's a pretty shitty city. It was a pretty shitty city. Guys, I have a great idea for a new car-foon. Oh!

It's called Pretty Shitty City. Trademark Charles Schmutz. Oh! You just got Schmutz! Now Charles, are you married? Uh, yeah, happily married. That's wonderful. Do you live here in Hogsface? Yes.

Wonderful. Now we've never met before. Yet I live here in Hogs face and I've never encountered you well I've enjoyed your work from far away for a long time What's all this work that you've enjoyed seeing from a distance? I like mom a Duke minus mom a Duke It's classic. I Like the one about the dog that always finds a bone of the ground? Oh, no shoes for Tuesday. Yes, no shoes for Tuesday. There's always a long elaborate setup,

and then it always ends with the dog finding a bone in the ground. And sometimes there's a very elaborate graphic that goes with it. It's wonderful. It's funny, but it's not mean. I don't like to carfoon down. Yes, thank you.

You never do that. Have you read the Wizard of Ed? I have not read the Wizard of Ed. It'd be right up your alley. Oh, I should. It's about this guy Ed, and he has his own Wizard. He has his own Wizard. Yeah, the Wizard lost a bet with him,

and now the Wizard has to be his butler. Oh! So I have a question. I'm just wondering, like, have I one? I'm not sure if I've seen some of your car funes and not realize that you'd drawn them and brought them to life, I've always wondered, there's a small child that's always running around town,

hanging out with a giant tiger. Oh, that's one of mine. Oh, that's one of yours, oh good. Because I was worried about that child. No, it's fine. Well, you should be worried about him because he's dead in three weeks. Oh, no.

And then I got a, you know, funny story, trivia about that. But he lives on in our hearts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. trivia, the first time I drew him, I was like nailed it because he got up and just started acting funny. And I'm like, this is going to be a hit.

And then about 24 hours later, he started to get really sick and died. And I realized I never drew him with an anus. Oh, he was pooping internally. Oh, no. Yeah. So that was a lesson learned. Let me tell you. This is a weird question to ask about a child. Did you drum with a penis? Just so he could urinate. That's disgusting. What a good thinking. Good question, honey. I'm just thinking like it might be adorable to see that child like urinate on a symbol or something.

Oh. What if he was peeing on a sign of the smoldering widow? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hello, Baron Shanglebirth Regune, of course. I'm not really sure this is my cup of tea. I actually took great care to follow what Arnie was doing this time. And I have to say it's not clear to me

that he's doing anything in particular. Everyone seems pretty easily distracted. Topics get dropped. People talk over the guest. Speaking of the guest, if you believe they got schmutz, I love that guy. Anyway, I'm interrupting here because apparently a guard mentioned Arnie what we were doing, and he begged me not to forget the sponsors.

He seems convinced that they're part of the reason he gets to continue doing this podcast, and he seems to believe that if he doesn't thank them, they'll rescind their aid. I mean, I get it. My oldest daughter is going through a phase where she's praying to Fuhu and Umu all the time. And I like, I say to her, bring to Umu didn't save your grandmother from being skeletonized by s'mores. She won't listen. She'll figure it out eventually.

Anyway, please do remember, spite whatever they say, this podcast is actually brought to you by the capricious mercy and measure generosity of our dark Lord. Oh, see that. I've got to tell you, before we go in our quest, you store his consumption. I know. We all have a little bit of a cold, I think. Like, we were thinking, like, we should leave on our quest early. Like, why wait two more days?

Let's head out early, but then we're like, we're sick. Let's give ourselves two days to rest. Everything will be fine. I'm going to find that rock. The healing rock. Oh, that's rock. Yeah, what did you do with the healing rock? I lost it.

I know every morning you're like, you leave your place, you're like, I got a bag of my clothes. Oh! You got an email here from Cody. Cody says, since you guys are growing on a quest, have you thought about what your group name is going to be? For example, on Earth, there's a group called the Fellowship of the Ring. I was thinking something like adequate adventurers

or something like that. How dare you? How dare you? Attiquate nay. This shall be the grandest adventure ever embarked upon by any man, beast or child. Yeah, we shall selleth forth, and we shall destroy that dark lord and his evil machinations.

I, and we shall save every man, woman, and child in food in two days. You're having some real have problems. I don't think so. I gotta say you said, or Wizard hats aren't the most practical. What do you mean? It just seems like not the most practical thing. Like it's very like wind, it's not very aerodynamic, but this is where I keep all my stuff. All of your stuff? Yes, much.

It's where I keep my magic wand. Whoa! And that's where I've been living. It would be amazing to see you pull more stuff out, but let's not. Here's an email from Lucy Moonstar, fake name. Lucy Moonstar. She says, I thought this was a magic-degathering thing. I'm pleasantly surprised.

Arnie, are you going to learn any magic for the quest? I mean, I already know Gaeli Lichtenkamer. Oh. Oh. Very good. Yeah, I lit all the candles, which we can all see. I would love to learn magic. Like, how much magic is a mere human able to learn?

Like, Charles, you know some amount of magic. It was the magic inside you the whole time. I could teach you how to draw a rudimentary carfoon and you could watch it come to life. Wow. If you'd like. It's a big responsibility. Yeah, for at least three weeks. For at least three weeks.

You know what, maybe if you're going on a big quest, maybe you shouldn't, unless you have something that could take care of your carfoon while you're gone. Don. But I do have to conf- I mean, I do have experience with taking care of something I brought into this world for at least three weeks. What are you talking about?

No, no, no, I don't want to talk about it or stuff. Charles, is there a price for this magic? I'm afraid there is. What is it? What's the price? Oh, sorry, guys. I gotta get better at follow-up questions. It's about 65 an hour, I mean. Oh, 65? But it 65 puts really weight on me.

That's 65. Well, you seem so sad about it. Yeah, well, there's not much you could do with 65 coins, so you can't really make a living on that. And you can only draw so many car foods to come to life, to then slaughter and kill for food, because you can't afford to buy food, because nobody wants to buy your car foods.

And you're still 35 away from an extra life. What? Every end of coins, you get an extra life. Was this? Yep, we haven't told you about that? No, we haven't. And food, if you collect 100 gold coins, you get an extra life.

Why have I been spending all those coins? I don't know. Yeah, but you just save them up for this quest. Yeah So if I die on this quest, you're done. I'm done. Oh Man, we'll find some mushrooms along the way. Don't worry. Hey Arnie. Yeah, never mind. What? What is a chunt buddy? I just I feel really bad for Lucy Moonstar Yeah, I feel like if she came here wanting to see Magic the Gathering We should give her Magic the Gathering Well, what is Magic the Gathering? I don't know in food. Oh, we should give her yeah

You talk us through it and we'll give it to her on earth as I understand it magic the gathering is a card game that you get into in college and then spend a little too much money on it. Periodically, you have to call your mother for more money. Then eventually you fall out of school. Oh, we have that. We call it drugs. Yeah.

Yeah. More globe. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah, my freshman, sophomore college roommate, exactly, that's what happened to him. He was a freshman? He was a freshman.

Well, I got to be honest with you. It wasn't a freshman man. It's a game that, well, like, Chump, you know, like you love to play games and make up games. Sure. Like, did you bring any games in your brain today? Nope. No. Did any of us bring anything in our brains today?

Yes. You said, what did you bring in your brain? Every manner of scheme and plot to defeat that dark, lord, yai, for my many plans are already in motion. Yeah, the quest is not beginning, but two days time. But that does not mean that there are other methods, other avenues for us to win. I actually did bring in game. Yeah, let's just glaze over what he said. Do you want to play it? You have to go first. Oh, great.

Sure. This is called this is called Bards Against Humility. Okay. Alright. And what happens is your bard, you have to sing a limmeric, and you have to not embarrass yourself. You have to fight against being humiliated. Oh, okay. So you're a bard against humility. Okay. What is my limmeric about? Let's say it's about this card game, Magic Togethering. Oh, boy. Okay. Or your college experience. My college experience or magic gathering. All right, there was a young lad from Ohio. Oh boy, what a great word to rhyme with.

You're losing. Oh boy. There once was a boy from Ohio. Why don't you give yourself the same lesson? Yeah, there once was a boy from Ohio. There once was a boy from Ohio. He then went to college. He then went to college. There once was a boy from Ohio.

Now, Chant, can you explain the rules of the game to me again? Yeah, so somebody is the bard, they play the bard, and therefore they sort of put out musically a limerick, and they try and avoid being humiliated by their limerick or lack their up. Ah, I see, I see. So I should do this now, then. Yes, yes. Are you going to do a limerick about your time in college?

Or maybe you have had one cooking already. No, I'll do one about college. You should all attend it, the great holes of Tarakas. Chickens have coikas, cobbles have coalahuacas. My favorite nursery rhyme. There, I became even more blue. My powers became strong and became true. And with these great powers, with the great Dark Lord,

I'll get into a frockess. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. good. Hmm. The guest is always welcome to play. Oh, what was the game again? It's bars against humility.

Here, I'll give an example. Okay. Arnie always says, I look like a skunk. And that puts me in quite a funk. Because you bet your bottom buck. I'm cool as fuck. And Arnie's just a weak ass little punk. Whoa.

Yeah, all right. So now I don't like sitting between you two. Yeah. It's never fun when a whole tavern like cheers a burn on you. Have you ever been in a tavern and someone like made fun of you and the whole tavern, like cheers a burn on you. Have you ever been in a tavern and someone like made fun of you and the whole tavern's like, yeah! Oh! Oh, thank you.

I love you, Siddore. Oh, everyone in the tavern is just yelling people they love. They don't have to be people that are present. I love Genelevia! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Oh! Wow, that must be cool. That's Lucy Minstar, I bet. Charles, do you have any aspirations for the future? Oh, you don't want me to do the Limerick? Oh, no I do, sorry, yes. Jeez, Arnie, that's a yes. I'm not afraid.

Limericks are the 13th art. I don't want to tell you. 13, wow. Yeah, it's an unlucky art. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, some buildings are just like, let's skip this art. Yeah, they go straight to the 14th art, which is improvisation. 14. More, more of a craft. Yeah. I was going to say more of a skill that needs to be learned.

Yeah. See, I don't believe in improvisation because then people are like, I moderately like you. I want to try the 13th art. Let's do it. Here we go. There once was an artist from Foon who tried to make a drawing too soon. An orange catty tried. No lungs, so it died.

What was the first word, Foon? So he killed it with the blunt end of a spoon. Ooh. Oh. It was my first one. So I think we may be running short on time, but Charles, sort of before we go, are there any new sort of car fumes that you're working on or new projects you're looking forward to?

Oh, yeah. So my newest project is about this guy from another planet called Murph, and he fell through this hole behind a restaurant, and he came to him a magical land, and he has a friend who's a red wizard, and another friend who never changes into anything, he's always the same every day and not funny at all

Because it sounds so relatable And it's gonna be a huge huge huge hit Believe me All of these things are gonna be brought to life Eventually, yeah. If I can remember to draw them with lungs in an asshole. To least three weeks. Please, draw me without an asshole.

So just you then, not the wizard or the... Yeah, they can have their two. No, I meant if I draw you without any assholes then I can't draw the wizard or the badger. Oh! No, I meant if I draw you without any assholes then I can't draw the wizard or the badger. Oh. Good thing this is an idea you made up. Yeah. Sorry.

Carfoonists, we like guys named Arnie. We sometimes want to defend the guy named Arnie. No, thank you. That means a lot, Charles. No problem. Well, you're the one that asked me to be on you know, on your podcast, and I just appreciate it. Yeah. And you know what, though, I mean, I know that you stood on Chant Make Fun of Me Out of Love, or maybe I'm just into not. I've never, I've never seen Chant's face crack so completely when I said that.

I'm just thinking of ugly babies. Sure. Oh, man thinking of ugly babies. Sure. Oh, man. Yeah, absolutely. If I had gotten in on that ugly baby craze, holy crap. I'd have so many extra lies right now. Well, Charles, thanks so much for joining us. Thanks for having me.

Are you kidding me? And you said, or, and, John, thanks so much for always being here with me. It is my pleasure. And it is also my pleasure to announce that in two days time, we shall embark upon the greatest quest and undertaken by anyone from food. Yeah, and I love you, Arnie.

I'm going to go check the basement. Don't worry. We're going to leave. Why do we need to keep worrying about stuff here? OK, that's fine. Yeah. And I just want to thank everyone in the tavern for putting up with us every week.

I know we sometimes get a little rowdy. But we just were happy that you take time to sort of put up with us. And as we go, I just want to say, the one's was a boy from Ohio. He forgot what he was going to say. He, he forgot he was gonna say. There once was a boy from Ohio. Arnold, it's Arnold.

I love you, but you make it hard. There once was a boy from Ohio. He was very lucky. Oh, my. He went on a... We stuck around. He went on a quest with his friends who are the best. And that's the end, hey, bio! Thank you so much, we're all out for the magic tavern.

Oh wow, I mean they got really close to discovering the magical portal we were building in a basement there. I mean, I know how it all turned out, of course. It would be blasphemy to doubt the surety of the Dark Lord's gambits. I'm just listening. I got a little nervous there. Anyway, it's very important to me that I clarify to any people of Earth listening that the Dark Lord is not a painting come to life. I mean, that is a true story, but it refers to a previous Dark Lord, a failed Dark Lord who held the book of sight in his hand but squandered its gifts, who had not the strength

or the vision to bring his will to manifestation, and where he failed, my Dark Lord, our true Dark Lord will most surely succeed. He will sweep away his enemies like dust, he will make life and death and magic his servants, and he will shatter the very pillars of phone and remake it in his own image. I see that we've got some emails. I do understand this bit, Let me see what we've got here. If you wish to contact the show, the email address is MagicTavron at puppies.supplies. It is important to state that this is a real email address. This email, yo, my boyfriend and I are arguing whether or not FUN has classes, like eye glasses.

I say they do. My boyfriend disagrees. I highly doubt every creature on FUN has 2020. Joey and a Eddie. Now, my eye glasses do mean glass eyes because we do have a number of those. I don't know whether people ever lose their eyes on earth, but here in food, there are all sorts of reasons your eye may pop out of your skull, and sometimes

before you can get it back in, someone will just come along and gobble it up. Also you're right, not every creature has 20 out of 20 eyes. The only creatures I can think of who have 20 eyes are double spiders, or the wall of eyes when actually the wall of eyes usually has more eyes than that. Joey and Eddie, I don't know, praise the Dark Lord. Dear Arnold, Yusidor, in Chant, I am currently renaming all of my computer's host names to be restaurants in Foon. Besides the Vermilion Minitar and Chucho's Chow, What other restaurants, line taverns are there in Foon?

Thanks, Darren, Master of Digital Manipulations. Well, Darren, I'll be happy to answer that question, but first of all, let me say, welcome. If you are a Master of Digital Manipulations, there is a place for you with the Dark Lord. We have so many fingers that get cut off in accidents and we just do not have enough magic doers to enchant them to form finger balls, finger spiders, finger chains. If you have made that your cause, please get ready to join the Dark Lord when we arrive on Earth, as for restaurants here in the town of Hogsface,

besides the Million Minotaur and Chuchu's Chow, which of course has been shut down, there is of course the smoldering widow. There is the crying basilisk, although that's more a brunch place. If you're ever in Skur, there's the hangry hippo. I had a meal once at Club 54, which you go into one door, and then some animal is pushed in, and before it makes it to your table, it is hit with 54 clubs, and it shows up, oh, so tender. Pinto poison, it's just a name. They actually serve their drinks and quartz.

I wish I knew more. I really don't go out that much. Got my own cook. And when I'm not traveling with my cook, I'll just kind of go into a house and tell the people there that if they don't make me dead, I'll kill them. Oh, wow.

That is kind of exhausting. I guess I will bid you goodbye. And I will be taking Arnie up on his offer to come back next week. Arnie seemed so much happier when the tavern was at capacity as it was, you know, in the episode we listened to. And stuff is sort of slowed down here in Hogsface. The folks have got back to their routines. I think we might be lifting the curfew and allowing more individuals back into the Rameleon Minotaur that should cheer up Arnie Chunton, Yusidorabit, and keep them happy

and podcasting. So with that, I will leave you, people of Earth, I have been Baron Shanglebirth Regune, Proud Foot Soldier, and the army of the Dark Lord, who will soon have all of Phoon under his control, before he brings his wonder and majesty directly to you. Oh, let's see, how does this stop? How do we stop this? This is still going. Oh...

Uh... Halt! Halt-o! Damn it. Get me... get me Arnie! No, they're human! Get me... get me the human! What, sorry. No, the earth...

Get me the earth man! Oh, for the dark lord's say, caddy, turn this off Remember me if this were inception. I think I'd be the van going off the bridge Thank God none of this is happening because I doubt I could explain it use it all the Wizard, aka Hat Problems, was played by Matt Younger. Chant the Badger, aka Limerick Uphill Battle, was played by Adolfiah. Charles Schmutz, the car-fonist, was played by special guest Scott Kurtz, the creator of the webcomics PVP and table titans. He's also been win the dwarf, from Binwin's minions and acquisitions incorporated.

The brief cameo of the cobalt hunters was by the hosts of the podcast, Jay and Miles explain the X-Men, which you can find at explainthexmen.com, or wherever you get your podcasts. Baron Ragoon was played by Chris Rathchin. Finally, their once was a man who confessed. World protecting was his interest. If you are from Ohio, don't rhyme with Omaio when Scott Bio surpasses the test.

Take it Craig! Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Garrett Schultz. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LePon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagicavrin.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast, come up at Extra Special Thanks to Ear Wolf, Craigcast. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC important. I found this strange note in my sleeping pod here. It says, I am Rob. I think that's

what it says. Anyway, the penmanship here is terrible. I am Rob. It looks like me when I try to write with my left hand, which is still sparking weirdly. Well, that's all for today's Craigcast. I'm going to go find out who Rob is. Wait a minute, Rob. Could that be Robot? It's from Robot Arnie. What a scam.