Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 71 - Castle Nowhere

Episode Date: August 6, 2018

What’s on the other side of the portal in the basement? Castle Nowhere. And Honey Vandershrimp. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHoney Vandershrimp: Katie KleinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following series of horrible decisions is not real. Remember when our hero strolled into a portal like that was a good idea? Well, nothing I can do about that right now. I'm busy by this exhaust vent trying to get past my own bunker security system. Please enter verbal access code. What the hell is a verbal access code? An observation about someone else that doesn't contain dog whistle judgments in the form of cruel adverb choices. Oh, screw that.

I'm going to have to break this security system's spirit. Now, open your mind, put those expectations on a high shelf, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Fune. I just want to point out, I found this, guys, I found this creepy organ. Whoa! And I don't know how to play the piano, but it just works! Watch! Wait, are you doing that?

Mm-hmm. That's pretty good. Yeah, thanks anyway. Anyway, but uh, okay. Uh, hello from the Magic Tadvern. Wait, let me try. Okay. Oh, you. Anyway, anyway, okay. Hello from the magic room. Wait, let me try. Okay.

Oh, you're so bad at it, though. Here, let me try. I'm very, very good at playing the Oregon. What is going on? Ah! You know, why? Is it because you got tiny badgy fingers? Badgy fingies, please.

Yeah, I'm sorry, badgy fingies. Badgy my fingies. Anyway, hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast with the magical Indofuent. I'm sorry, Baji Fingies. Baji Meefingies. Anyway, hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical into food. I'm your host, Darni Neekamp, even ever listen to the podcast before. This is everything you need to know. About three and a half years ago,

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger hanging in Chicago into the magical into food. Thank God you thought to bring the equipment as we walk through the portal. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's right. We were just in the Vermilion Minotaur,

which we had snuck into. We dove through the portal, that the Dark Lord used to stoop as a strong word. We stepped through the portal, that the Dark Lord used to sneak into Hogsface, and I now ran this creepy castle. Yeah, it's so spooky. Yeah, I thought it was.

Spooky. And you know what, it hasn't been a whole week, but I was like, let's just start recording again, and let's just get like our initial reactions to this weird castle we're in. It's like an unboxing. We're unboxing this castle. Let me try this organ one more time.

Nope, still bad. So that was somehow worse than the first time. Didn't even sound like an organ. Yeah. Use an organ, where are we? I do not know. I suspected that the portal would take us directly to the dark, Lord's stronghold, where I would fight him in a wizzily battle, until only whatever survived!

But it seems like we're stuck outside of space and time in some sort of pocket dimension. It's a, I don't know if you're familiar with pocket dimensions on earth, but there are great place to wear high-dusty equipment, or to build a stronghold such as this, just tucked away from your enemies' eyes and ears so that you may hide and strike at them. Or to get a gross sandwich which shredded lettuce. Yes. Or if you're shrinking from a very large size to a very small size, you can displace your mass into a pocket dimension.

I don't know if this is similar, but I got a hole in my pocket. Dearlyza. Now, I don't mean to criticize, but while we are exploring this castle? Trying to find some Way to attack the dark Lord take what he used against us and make it an advantage Well, I would be recording another episode of the show look used or when we jump through the portal I feel like we're getting close. Jumped as a strong word look when we stepped when we gingerly like dipped our toes through the portal to make sure Wasn't too cold. We were all terrified.

And we were too honest. Oh yeah. And then like got our ankles in, then our legs. Then we like really eased in. It really felt like we're moving so fast. And we should be recording every moment of this. Yes. If there's one criticism I have of the show, it's that we move too fast.

We seem to like just break next speed into action, constant action. And I've got to imagine listeners who are really scared of that speed at the end of the last episode when we jump to the portal thinking into the Dark Lord's realm are probably so relieved that that's not what we're doing right now. Yes, it must come as quite a a sav to their very soul to now be able to relax and enjoy this language episode, where we do explore this strange castle. The tapestries in this castle are very strange. I've noticed that they seem to depict some sort of story, but I'm not familiar with it. Do either of you recognize the story on these tapestries?

If I had to use a word to describe what I'm seeing, I say Ensourcelment? It does seem like a lot of Ensourcelment. It seems like a lot of Ensourcelment has happened in here. I don't know what it means. I'm just gonna keep you safe. Put it out there with confidence. I feel like other people will just be like, oh nice. Yes. Do you recognize the story of these tapestries at all? I mean, I guess if he sort of squint, it looks a little bit like the plot of Shrek. Oh, yes. As I imagine it, I haven't actually seen it. I've mostly piecing together the story of Shrek from a few commercials and trailers

and promotional cups that I've seen over the years. And this was an important story back on Earth, a great cultural impact upon your and your family and your entire country? Um, more than you would like to think. Oh nice. And that had the guy named Fuqua in it? I think so. Again, I don't know, they didn't put that on the cup.

You said John Lithgow was a Fuqua? Oh, that's just unrelated, I would opinion them that I have. What did John Lithgow do a fuck-wad? Oh, that's just unrelated, I would opinion them that I have. What did John Lithgow do to make you so angry? Well, he did some really nasty things, Sylvester Stallone at the top of that mountain. Oh yes, that's the play that Arnold acted up for, it's the Cliffing Hangout. Oh yeah, the Cliffing Hangout. Man, what a great conversation we could only have in this dimension.

That's true. Guys, let's explore the space where this creepy castle... Yes, that's what I've been wanting to do. to do listeners are always like get out of the tavern Show us what's in this world. Yeah, we've got like a whole new world to explore and now we're here. Yeah, let's do it Oh look at all those doors There are a lot of door I haven't like look guys look up There doors on the ceiling. Do you think if I go in this door here, I'll come out this door here? Oh, I hope so. Should I try it?

I mean, that's just naturally a question you have whenever you see a door. Yeah, to see if I could go in one and then come out the other end. Sure! Open it up! Alright. Oh! What is that? Just looks like water.

Just underwater, but it's not flowing into the castle. Yeah, I could just dive in. No! Nope. Can't get into the castle. Yeah, just dive in Nope, I can't get into the water. Nope, you try Maybe this is a whole Oregon situation. You did it Look at this one. Oh, it's like a Western town San everywhere Try to go out. Oh try to go through there

So weird. Yeah, it's so weird. Yeah, you can't get through any of these open doorways. Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! I thought, you know what I find unsettling about this place? Everything?

The doors you can't go through? You can't go through the doors? No! Why not? Are they really doors then? Did you try? Here, let me try! That hurt!

Looked painful! Oh guys, look, look! There's a desk! It's got a little bell on it. Ooh, I know what to do. Play the organ. It's just not getting any better! There's nobody in here! It's completely dev getting any better. There's nobody in here. It's completely devoid of life. I am concerned that whoever we find here might be evil and have killed all the other

denizens of this castle. Ooh, I just got goosebumps. Or maybe they're just, it's like a cleaning day and everyone's out while it's getting cleaned. Yeah. An a cleaning day and everyone's out while it's getting cleaned. Yeah. An evil cleaning day. Good. You'll be an evil cleaning. Almeness off hours. Yeah.

Well, I'm going to ring the bell. Ding. Why did you say ding? It's just very sad that the bell makes its own noise. Hello. Whoa. Welcome to Castle Noir. My name is Honey Vander Shrimp and I'm happy to help you with any questions that you might have.

Honey Vander Shrimp? Yes. Did you say where it? Castle NoWare. Castle NoWare. It's the name of the castle. And did you say that you're happy to help us with any questions you might have? Any questions you might have.

I just want to make you repeat everything you say. And did you say hello? I said hello. OK, I think that's ever missing anything? I think that's everything she said, repeated. Honey van der Schripp, I- We already covered that. You can just call me honey.

Honey, I am Usadol. OK. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical lights. Devour of chaos. Chappey and of the great halls of Trockus. The elves, fesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical lights. Devourer of chaos. Chappin of the great halls of Trockus. The elves know me as fying alak. The dwarves know me as zone in in hook stungies.

And I am known in the northeast as gasmoneas maestar. World star. And we have found ourselves here in this castle nowhere. And we demand answers about who is in charge. Okay, that was a lot to throw at me just then. I'm gonna take a second and absorb it. All right. Um, I cannot tell you who's in charge.

I can help you with any other questions that you have. Honey, what is your job here? I'm the concierge of the castle. And where's that accent from? Oh, well, I don't know. I don't know how old I am or where I was born. But I do know that my mother was a concierge before me and her mother, before her, and her mother

before her and her mother before her. Wow. Yeah, it is worth it. You look like you could be 20. You look like you could be 85. Isn't it fun? Have you always existed here in the castle? Always, as long as I, and I was born wearing this little uniform.

And then the necker chiff came out with the necker chiff on. It was literally that. You know, yes, and I'm the same size as when I was born. You are. I was going to say you baby size. Yes, very small baby, but with a nice lady face. Well, that is good news. I don't know how honey. Can I get you a cookie? Very small baby, but with a nice lady face. Well, that is good news.

I don't know how honey. Can I get you a cookie? We have Otis Spunk Myer cookies. Hot, hot, hot. Oh, yes. They're served hot or they're a hot commodity? They're spicy. They're in their in demand and their warm temperatures.

Arnie, this place is fucking bonkers. I'm spicy cookies. Spicy cookies. Who wants spicy cookies? Oh my gosh, this is like a really difficult decision because I don't like spicy things, but I like eating. Well, now you gotta try one. Yeah.

Just wanna clarify, it's not spicy like gingerbread. It's jalapeno. I demand to have one of these cookies. Here you go. Oh, thank you. Oh, that's interesting. I don't know if I like it. Most people don't. if I like it.

Most people don't. But I keep on making them because I like to cook. You know, honey, I have a question. How long we're going to be here? What's the breakfast situation like? Oh, it's a classic continental European style. Oh. So no egg but, um, sliced cheese and Nutella. Ah.

Sometimes I'll put out juice. Are you said European is a place on earth? Yeah, so are continents. Guys, these are all earth things. On a juice, continents exist on every world. Here's my question, is food a world or a continent? I don't know. We get a lot of emails about that.

Mm. I don't think it matters too much. Now, are you familiar with the land of food? No, what? What? What about the planet Earth? Oh, yes, I have a book. You have a book about Earth.

Yes, it's called Planet Earth. Oh, and it's a pop-up book with different animals and different waters and grass and there's this crazy page about these birds and they do sexual dances for each other. I love birds. I love sexual dance. Me too. Animals. And information about Earth.

We've had it with help from us for so long. Yes, me very fine. You were born a shaker. Oh, yeah. Take a read. Take a read. Take a read. Take a read.

Look up James Vanderbick. Whoa, he popped up. James Vanderbick. He pops up where you least expect. Oh. Also known as the most handsome person alive. He's not to bud at all. That name is misleading.

Arnie, who's the being apartment 23? Is that the right number? I don't know. I think. Sadly, I think it is. I think you knew that. I think that's the mystery of that show that is only revealed at the end. Whoa. Who is the bee? What does bee stand for? Great question. I think the bee is the friends we made along the way.

Wow. I love this book. A few things I want to tell you. Oh. Be careful. Oh, okay. We'll have you. Oh. Be careful. Oh, okay. Wait a minute, you're down. Be careful. Be careful. Mm-hmm.

There are stairs. Two. That's the second thing. There are stairs. There are stairs. There are stairs. There are stairs here, okay? Okay.

And put it slash under it, like it's a part of this number two, but it's not its own thing. There's stairs are tricky and sneaky. Okay. And you don't know if they're going up or down or west or north, so be careful. Arnie, maybe make that just number three, because if you put a line underneath it, I'm afraid that you'll confuse it with a fraction, and I don't want that. What's a fraction?

Oh, I don't know. So be careful, there are stairs. Mm-hmm. Number three. The weather changes inside the castle. Do you want ponchos? I would love a poncho. What's a poncho?

It's like a coat with no arms. So it's like a blanket with a hood. Or like a rug that you put on your shoulders. It's like a cape. It's like a cape with a hood. Do some of the kids have hoods? It's a body cape. It's a body cape. If you're offering a poncho hood. Some of the hoods. It's a body cape.

It's a body cape. If you're offering a poncho, I will gladly take it. I'll just take a coat if you have that. I don't have a coat. I'll take a poncho. Here's a poncho. Here's a poncho. Oh, here's a pizza.

I heard that. You got to ask what you want. Pizza's in ponchos. Pajos and pizzas. Honey, do you work for anyone? Are you independent? No. You'll just run Castle No, nowhere, all by yourself.

Absolutely, it was my birthright. Oh. Do you get lonely here? Ah! She's fine, I think. I can't stand her. No, I'm okay. Because I'll tell you what, you see this tapestries on the wall?

Mm-hmm. They talk. They talk. They talk and they tell you the story. They tell you the story. Yes. Where do they come from? Who created them?

Or if they always been here? They appear every six months, a new piece of puzzle pops on the wall. And that's how I make the ponchos with the leftover fabric. Oh. Sort of like a... What's that... Like... like scraps.

There's scraps of fabric that then I collect in the middle of the night, like that story about that little munchkin who makes gold out of straw. Do you know him? Rumble Sultzkin. Yes, he used to live here. He also used to live in food. And he did?

He did? He was in stories on earth. What? How is it getting everywhere? Oh, great. One of life's great questions. Honey, can I ask? I opened some of the doors. Oh, sorry.

And I saw like, there's a world that was all in her water. There was one that looked like a western town. Oh, those are fun ones. So you open good ones. What are those doors leading to? I couldn't get through them. You can't get through unless somebody on the other side wants you to come. Like vampires. Maybe vampires. So they have to invite me? Yes, you have to open the door at the same time.

Oh, it's like it's like a hotel door. It's like a hotel. Like a joint room. We're not opening it on the other side. Yes, where you both want to see each other's rooms. Yeah, it's like you're in a hotel room and you see that door there and you're like, oh, I'm just gonna be thinking about that door the whole time. Speaking of, I turn the pop-up page book and it says, Hotel for Dogs is America's number one movie. I love that page. When was this book published?

I don't know. 2005? I still don't think that's true. Well, this brings up a very troubling question that no one else seems to have. I don't know. 2005? I still don't think that's true. Well, this brings up a very troubling question that no one else seems to have. Are we trapped here, honey? I'm sorry to tell you that I think you might be the only way out is for someone to open a door at the same time. Your best bet is to follow my rules. What was rule number one?

Rule number one was, hey stairs man. No, it was be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. That was rule number one. You're destined for doom. Okay, I got to be careful with this honey do list. Oh, that's funny. That's a fruit you'll find at the continental breakfast. Oh, don't. Honey, I must ask you, I do not mean to be so stern for you have been very pleasant so far. But are you our jailer? Are you keeping us here?

Do you know how to get the doors to open from the other side? For if you do and you hide this information from a wizard. Wizards, wrath shall come down on thee like a very thunderstorm! I don't want to burst your bubble, but I have protection. Oh. Someone is protecting me and I can't tell you who, but I can tell you that if you even so much has tried to cast a spell or lay a finger on me, you will rule the day.

Oh, is that so? Oh, guys, that's either a very ominous threat or a hard bluff. You'll never know I look like a baby. Oh, you think I won't cast a spell on a baby? You should or- be careful. Honey, it looks like a shrimp kid. I don't want to mess with that, okay? That's something I never want to mess with. Yeah, oh.

Fine. I should- Open up some doors, go ahead, just explore the doors. You'll find some very exciting options behind some of the doors. You saw the waterfall. Yeah? Mm, well there's-

Well, I think it was a waterfall, it was just underwater. Oh, oops, oh. Oh, if we're Well, I think it was a waterfall just underwater. Oh, oops. Oh, if we're gonna explore the doors, can I get a little bit of weed? Oh! You haven't found the effects of your cookie yet? What? What?

Yeah, that's how you make it spicy. Then what's in the pizza I had? Y'all find out. I do feel... I do feel sort of tired, but excited to run or out. Now you see why you're wearing those Baja Panchos. I have such a body high. I just mostly feel like I gotta go party.

Honey, if we can't go through the doors with that someone unlocking the door from the other side, is there a way for us to communicate with people on the other side? Oh, you asked the right question. You smart, smart, smartty follow me to the phone. Oh, Arnold, this doesn't look like your phone at all. No, this is like a landline phone. Take forever to tweet on this thing. There's three letters per number.

Yes, I, there's no screen on it. Pick it up. What do I do with this pot? So could we call it anywhere? Oh, yes You can call anyone with that phone, but you only have five seconds of phone call Oh, so I don't remember any phone numbers. Oh, no guys I grew up in a world full of phone numbers and literally like we don't need them anymore I will have no remember any of them. That's all right, I'll take care of this.

M-A-Y-O-R-M-A-N-A-M-A. This is you, Sato. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesians, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator. What is that noise? That was it. That was your 5 seconds. Oh wait, I found a number in the pop-up book. Can I see the phone? Here. Okay.

867-5309. I see the phone? Yep. Okay. 8675309. I've heard this call. Hello? Who's this? Jenny? Jenny? Hello? Hello? Now, hung up.

That's it, that's all you got. Wait, I do remember one phone number. The phone number of my house growing up. Hello? Hey, that's the house. I still live there Oh, you cut down the tree that times that Sorry the folks not more helpful about them's the rules. Do you guys want to go swimming? Oh in the underwater world. No in my pool. Oh, you have a pool? I have a pool. Yes, I'd love to go swimming. I'd love to go swimming in 30 to 60 minutes. I just date. Oh, yeah.

I have rafts. You can float on the raft and digest. I'm very tired and I'm having trouble concentrating. I think I should have something else to eat. Oh, well, I have snack and we have a happy hour, wine and cheese. A happy hour? What a good idea. An hour to just be happy? We could use that, I know. Then let us go forth to this hour of merriment. Oh, yay!

Nobody has taken me up on that for a long time. I yey. Take us to this happy hour and let us celebrate their Shelby Muth and Mary Mentor, the crushing of cups. Yeah, let's go to the happy hour. Let's take a quick break and and then quick break. Quick break. Quick break. That's a funny. Yeah, and then, well, no, quick break. He's already, quick break. He's already, look at his eyes and rubbering hearts.

Look at his eyes. He like the cookie. Oh no. All right, well, we're going to take a quick break, and then it's going to be happy hour. All right, well, again, I got to say, for happy hour, I was not expecting this. Now, honey, I have a question. Why do they want us to take the chilies with us? Well, that's because people travel.

So you can have a salad wrapped with some cellophane on top. Yes, but this section of Castle Noir is called chilies to go. Yes, so you can go for a walk, just for a walk. So we're supposed to come into this pub, order our food and take it away. What do you can just take it for a walk? You could stand. You know, that's fun. Chili's to go wherever you want to.

You could go to the toilet. You could take a salad and eat it on the pooper. A salad on the pooper. And then use a sticker to measure the depth of the water. What? Should I put soup in my butt? Finally, we're revisiting this. Yes.

You want to put soup in your butt? Oh, no. No, I have to put soup in your butt? Oh, no, no. What kind of soup options do you have here? I have a chilled gazpacho that might feel nice in your butt. Or a carrot ginger, that would burn, but I don't know what you're into. No, I, everyone's in a while. We, it comes back around and I, and I wonder if I should put soup in my butt. And then I remember that I tried it and I didn't care for it.

Oh, yeah, sure. Well, it's like diarrhea the other way. That's a good point. But thank you for offering your caspacho. I'm sure that would have been delicious. Just wanna clarify, I didn't make the food. Chili's to go sense it. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry to put in. After you said that soup is basically reversed diarrhea, I am dying to try that caspacho. Here, open your hands. Okay. Go, open your hands. Go, go, go. Where are you eating this? I like to sample it.

That's a good chef, they say. You can't give anybody food unless you try it. Honey, can you go to the back and grab me in one of those chopped salads? Oh, yes, the chopped salad with chopped sticks. We have a way out of here. What? We are going to escape to a world called Chili's To Go.

She said that they deliver things here to her, so they will open the door from their side and then we'll go live on Chili's To Go. I'd be okay with that. And from Chili's To Go, we'll find some way back to food and earth. Look, guys, we can go to Chili's To go, but only if there are no other options. Are there other options? I don't know. Maybe like a... Seems like there's gotta be.

Do you mean an all-bond pan? No! Nobody wants that. Here's your chop salad. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Be careful. Ernie was all-bond pan, mean. It means, ah, the pan. Mm-hmm. Impressed by the pan. Mm-hmm. Really essential for ID kitchen. I never realized how smart you are, the pan. Impressed by the pan. Really essential for a rich kitchen.

I never realized how smart you are, Arnie. That's a drug stuck in. Now, honey, you have this wonderful restaurant with a happy hour. You have a beautiful, huge castle. It seems to be desolate there aren't many people here. You said you don't get lonely, even though you did make that weird noise for a long time.

Does anyone else ever visit you here in the castle? Oh, yes. Is there a nowhere man? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh to the castle. Make use of them. I make use of them. Why is she? What does that mean? Exactly. Weak in both eyes. I don't know if it's weird or she means that she eats them or she has sex with them. No, that means she does both. I do both.

I'm a freak. Lots of different visitors come in and out of the castle. So, you know, there's been some crazy orcs up in here. 20,000 roaring marks. I had about 20,000 came through here. If I knew what that meant, yes, I would say 20,000. Would you mean you don't know what that means? You don't know numbers? I'm not great at them. You know? No, that is. You do? Yeah.

It's hard. People say, you know, how many cookies are there? And I say, oh? I don't know. It looks the same. I feel like other people like overvalue that need to know numbers. Here, here. I see. A safe guess is always eight. Oh, that's a good idea. I should do that.

Good number. Pick a number and go with it. Good. Ask me how much I weigh. How much do you weigh? Eight. Perfect. I believe it.

You said it with confidence, and that's the most important thing. Yes. Ask me what I did to that cookie. What did you do to that cookie? I ate it. You set it up with confidence and that's the most important thing. Yes. Ask me what I did to that cookie. What did you do to that cookie? I ate it. Oh, that's good. You should do stand up. Oh yes, can you do more of your five minutes? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

What about a minute of your tight five? Come with me to the lounge real quick. There's a lounge. Let's head over to the lounge. Okay, here's a microphone. I'm going to give you the red light when your time is up. Okay? You're up. And please welcome to the stage. Here's a microphone. I'm gonna give you the red light when your time is up, okay?

You're on. And please welcome to the stage! Chant! Chant. Chant. Chant. You ever notice how heavy tongues get? Mmm. Boo. Who's next? Here's some lettuce you can throw lettuce at him. Oh thank you. Who got the house tonight?

Oh! Ah! See my friend Arnie? Oh, oh no, crowd work. Anybody here from Castle Lower? From? I am. I'm here.

I'm from Castle Lower. I'm the concierge of this castle. Concierge, huh? Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He's tanking. He's trying out the material. This is supposed to be a tight fly.

This is supposed to be a tight fly. This is supposed to be a tight fly. Concee airship. Concee airship. What? What else do you do? Oh no. Well I take long baths.

Come on, pick. Oh no, light. Come on, pick. He's not paying, I'm flashing the f**k. He was a blue witty, dude. Oh, I on, pick. He's not pink. I'm flashing the f***. He was a blue witty dude. Oh, I'm a wizard. A wizard, yes. I protect the men and women in children and birds and the animals and the trees and the

streams of food from the forces of darkness and I shall die protecting them if it's necessary. Yikes. You sound like a bit much. You're burnt. Ah, he nailed it. Oh, that was good. You there. What do you do? What?

What do you do? You know, I have a podcast. Oh, that's a good question. What do you do? What do I do a podcast? Who doesn't? Oh, you're burnt. You're good at stand up.

Well, that's my time. Is it my time? Oh, it's been your time. good at stand-up. Well, that's my time. Is it my time? No, it's been your time. It's been your time, yeah. Yeah. Thank God, it's this.

Honey, that was one of the best shows I've ever seen in my life. Oh, yeah. You should come back more often. We have so many talented people. Oh, really? Where do they come from? Oh, well, you know, sometimes through the doors, you know, if I'm opening the door when someone,

I know wants to come in and I want them to come in, then I'll open the door and let them in. So you, you man, this side of the door, so other people need to travel from place to place. That, I mean, I'm explaining it like it needs explaining, I guess. But yeah, you know, you nailed it. Yeah. They call me on the phone, and if I'm explaining it like it needs explaining I guess. But yeah you know you nailed it. Yeah. They call me on the phone and if I'm in the mood.

Oh okay I'm gonna write this down. Honey, Vander Shramp, what is your phone number? It's HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE two. Okay. Huh? Huh? Huh? Two. That's right. Is that the right number of halves? That's right. She did say she didn't know numbers. Okay.

I can't do it. Right. So I can't even trust this, too. I'm gonna cross the two out. No one just changed it to an eight. Okay. I'm not gonna use this phone and No, just change it to an eight. Okay. Use this phone and try and dial it. Wait a second. I'm just gonna dial eight, eight times.

That's very vibranium of you. Yup, it's busy. You can't call the castle from inside the castle. Is the call coming from inside the castle? That's in the pop-up book. You ever seen Scream? No. Nev Campbell's got a nude spread in the book. Wow. Stop. I'll only open that part. That's a wild thing, my man. Party of fff. Okay guys, enough messing around, honey. Do you have any kind of rewards program here?

Yes several you can enroll today. Okay. There's one for mileage So how many steps you take in the castle? We'll do whatever else. Oh As a wizard of the 12th realm of a fesius eye demand to be a gold member. Oh, okay, yeah, that's a good one, but there's a better one. There's a better one? Yeah, platinum. I demand to be a platinum member. Okay, well, just fill out this form, and I'll see how it goes through process.

Oh, no, you saw a filling out form stays forever, his name. And I need to take your photo. Yes, Master of Light and Shabbar. Oh, Jesus. I'll take it while you're writing. Oh, what was that flash? The camera. It was just a camera.

Nothing spooky about it. Go about your business. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Got you idiot. What was that? What? Really? Do you guys hear that noise?

They're speakers. They're speakers in the castle. So sometimes noises come up. Wait, you're right. I was really focused on like, her really menacing giggling, but you're right. I think there's a noise from deeper in the castle. We asked if there's any other person here. Is there any other creatures here? Oh, you didn't check over there. Yes, yes. There are several creatures roaming the stairs that I,

what was rule number two? Rule number two was stairs. There are stairs. There was another treacherous. Treacherous. There are treacherous stairs. There are treacherous. They're tricky and sneaky.

They're tricky and sneaky. If you want to walk the stairs, you might see a creature there. That was catchy. I hope there's more to that. Well, I've been workshopping it, but I'm not great at rhymes. So the rest of it goes, walk backwards, it is harder,

but you might have more fun. Yeah, kind of feel a part of that. Keep workshopping. It's no my type five, but. Well, it's hard to workshop because normally I don't have any, you know, feedback. Yeah, kind of feel a part of that. Keep working out. It's no my type 5, but... Well, it's hard to work out because normally I don't have any, you know, feedback. So I try out the rhymes and then I have to tell myself, good one! Honey, are we on danger from these creatures that are on the stairs?

That depends. Do you have something to hide? I mean, doesn't everybody? Oh, damn. Well, that's gonna keep me up tonight. Geez. Yeah, I guess so. so you better watch out. Guys, this is why I normally keep it light on this podcast because I've got a lot of

devastating observations. Jerry's side-felt over there. He's in the book. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. That page definitely doesn't need these threads. Oh, he's really, really went whole hog. That page definitely doesn't need these threads. Oh, he's really, really went whole hog. He's putting soup in his butt in the picture.

Now, I shall go forth and I shall fight these monsters, yey, with my sword drawn and my staff held high. I shall destroy them, smite each one of them, and fight my way out of castle nowhere. Oh. Are you with me? Yeah. Uh, sure. I mean, why are we just randomly fighting monsters in this castle? Because that's that's the whole adventure thing.

It's kind of like my MO. Yeah, love love. Can we level up? Sure. Oh, fun. You have to get enough experience to level up. Oh. Which means you have to do things and accomplish things.

Which usually involve murder. Can I just pay to level up at some point? Yeah, probably. Okay. Now, funny. These monsters. Mm-hmm. Are they minions of the dark lord of fun?

I'll just, yeah, okay, yes. Yes, they are. And they're all over. I see, you're not very forthcoming. But if we ask her a question directly, she always answers truthfully. Damn it. Are you bound by magical?

Are you bound by magic to answers truthfully? Yes. Oh, this is wonderful. What did you think of Tron's tight five? It was. Oh, God. I think you have a lot of promise and I think you have a lot of stage personality

and the crowd work, but I gotta tell you, your physicality was spumbling, you know? You did weird things with your hands that I think you didn't notice you were doing. Yeah, he was kinda like swaying, like you were on a shift. You were on a shift. I got tricked up in the court.

You gotta plant yourself in one place and make a size improvement. I asked you if you wanted a mic stand and you didn't. I don't know what to do with my hands. Second question is there a better program than the platinum program? Yeah! I knew it! It's wood! Oh, that's quite...

Timber, it's the timber. I shall join the timber group. Unfortunately, I can't allow that. Why? The dark... I have specific instructions not to assign new membership to the timber program. I am a guest! How dare you deny a Wizard of my stature?

The highest possible rewards program, but nonetheless question number three Oh, no, how do we leave Castle nowhere? You can go to the front door where you came in. Oh, oh, yeah, we could just come in the way we think of the That door is open. We never You think of the... that door's open. We never thought to go back out the way we came in. We never even turned around. Yeah, it was like, hey guys, should we dive into like a wall of water or go back out the door and we came in?

Well, to your credit, honey, it's because I was immediately enthralled with this place. Ah, that's my job. It's lovely. I love that the tapestries depict stories from seemingly every world connected to this castle. Mm-hmm. Every time a new visitor comes, or six months has passed, a tapestry pops up.

Oh, how lovely. Pretty excited to see the one that's on the wall when you guys leave. Oh, I would love to see that too. You're never well. I know. I'll send you a text. Oh, thank you. I don't.

I can't do that. I just wanted to Well, it's the thought of the couch Do you want cookies to go? Oh, yes, please Yeah, you go honey. You have to tell the truth. How old are you really? Oh No Mother told me this would happen I'm haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but she never said what? She could be eight millennia old or eight pounds heavy or eight tons. We have no idea. Well, she's not eight tons. She's the size of a baby. You're smart wizard. I'm a very intelligent wizard. Good for you.

Thank you for always telling the truth. Guys, I just had a vision of monsters creeping closer and closer to kill us. And I was just standing here being like, ain't what, as we just get eaten alive. You didn't seem excited about killing the monsters. No, I'm saying we should get out of here. Castle Noir wears kinda spooking me out. Then let's head back towards the front door where we came in,

and if we encounter monsters on the way, be warned, honey. I shall smite them with all the power of a mighty wizard. Can't wait for that. Oh, honey. Before we leave. Would you do us a favor and like if the Dark Lord comes through here again to try to sneak into Hogs face or something else? Would you consider like not helping him? I'm sorry, but I can't do that. My family is obligated to do what he says. Honey I kept do that. My family is obligated to do what he says. Honey, is that a way for me to free you from this obligation?

Oh, I wish many have tried. But you see the shackle I wear to the dark Lord is made out of timber and it cannot be broken. No, timber seems very breakable to me. No, wait, what? No. Have you tried? No, yes. So it, I mean you tried? No, yes, not so.

I mean, like, look, it's not like it's not going to be an effort, but you can break wood. You can? The Timber Group is not a good loyalty program. But I was told it was the strongest. It is loyalty that Doc Lord himself. And I cast off your requirement. I say unto thee, thou art removed from the timber group

by this casting of fire upon nine very shackles. Correct, tromboth, ententeye! You just timber-braked. Yeah, it's burned off. Just kick it off now. Oh, yeah. No, you don't have to answer to the dark lord. Now vanisheship rules. Oh. Oh, yeah! Now you don't have to answer to the dark lord. Now vanishing rules. Oh!

Oh, that's all. That's all good, I have seven corners. Oh, that's all take a moment. I don't need a break, I'm feeling good. I don't know if it's a great one. I don't know if it's that pizza or what? I'm gonna shit my pants. So, honey, I guess we've freed you from your timber shackles.

Wow. Do you want to come with us back to Hogsface? I, you know, part of me does, but part of me's terrified. I've never been outside of the castle before. Oh, I know that is. I get scared to go places. I think I'd want to just sort of absorb it and maybe see if I can find an outfit that isn't a concierge outfit.

Well, even if you decide to stay here, which it appears you have, know that you have joined another loyalty program. Hmm. Oh, good honey vanderschramp. Or a part of Yusardor's quest, you have joined the forces of goodness and light against the dark Lord of Foon by being freed. Anytime you need me but call upon me and I shall come to the innate. Wow! It's the rock program. Oh! Yes you're in the Onyx program. Good for you. Thank you for doing that. I didn't. You know sometimes you don't know you want something until you have it.

Yes, that's very true. Like what I just found in this book. What is pop-up video? Pop-up video. Oh, that explains it. Well, I guess we got to get back to Hogsface before Activity wakes up and realizes we broke into the tavern. Well, we should make a run for the door and kill any monsters along the way and perhaps

read some emails. Good for you. Thanks for coming. Bye. Thanks for having us, honey. Good luck. Can I keep this book? No, please. Fine. Okay. I memorized it. You can keep the book. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, here. I shall leave the with a gift. Was ya f mi ab yanting. There's a duplicate of the book now. You can make copies. I have made a copy for you and the copy for you, John. Honey, can I have both copies? John, give her a copy.

Don't be greedy. I gave you a poncho. All right. Do you want a pair of pants that match the poncho before you go? No. Oh, weird. Poncho pants are sort of a thing I'm trying to start. There's a hood on the butt. Hmm. Do I want a hood on my butt?

I'm going to put it on the a thing I'm trying to start. There's a hood on the butt. Hmm, do I want a hood on my butt? Listen, I mean is that the worst idea I've ever heard? 100%. No, no, no, no, hold on, because it's like a fanny pack that doesn't zip. We have to go! Here, follow me, we must go!

Run! One suits a dog! Bye honey, nice to meet you! Bye! Run! One, two, it's a dog! Bye honey, nice to meet you! Bye bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Ah, we're back in the basement. Ah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- Well, wait, bundle. Mundle, how long were we gone? Seven fingers, that's a lot. Is that seven hours or seven days?

Well, just stop once for days, twice for hours. Days, seven days. Guys, if we were gone for a whole week, we left a bunch of piles of magic stuff upstairs. Someone definitely knew we were here. Damn it. I really wanted that potion of true life. Well, I did put those eyes of Slidendor into my pouch.

And I have this bag of endless food. Ooh. You have that bag of endless food and you asked honey for a pizza? Motherfuck. Let's get out of here. Let's sneak out of here, I guess. Let's go. Up at the stair.

I'm going to these stairs. Don't seem as treacherous as the ones in Castle Noir. Follow me up the stair. I'm gonna these stairs don't seem as treacherous as the ones that castle are Follow me up the stairs These are the things I normally say when I'm walking upstairs To let people know that I am At sending those stairs. Okay, you don't tell us to follow you upstairs. You just have to say let's get upstairs Here's to be early morning and there's no one in the tavern Yes You we could walk that.

I think that's towards the bottom. Can I just get around you? Can I just get around you? Shush, you're blocking the way. Chant, Nani, are going around. Just round me. Now I'm heading towards the front door of the tavern to finally make my triumph and exit.

Yeah, Mundle as this is going to take a while, just as we sneak out of here, just go ahead and start, start playing the exit music. Yes! Now go free! Okay, we'll meet Jack! We're head down the path! And now I am free! Ah, great. Finally we have the mix of Quantum Leap and Noises Off that, let me check my math. Yes, no one asked for.

Usual The Wizard was played by a row of televisions at Best Buy with the sound turned up on all of them. Shant The Badger was played by one of those $10 donuts with bacon on top, meticulously crafted for the insufferable. Honey Vander Shrimp was played by special guest Katie Klein. Katie performs with Superhuman at Chicago's annoyance theater every Tuesday, and Virgin Dackery and the late 90s at I.O. every Wednesday.

In 2015, while understudying for the second city holiday show, twist your dickens, Katie once shouted, can anyone help me stop crying? Seconds before the curtain went up. Long story short, no one could. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Knee, Camp Ryan, to Georgie, and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern theme song by Andy Poland, creepy organ version and general organ noodling by Garrett Schultz.

Hey, security AI, quick question. Before warned, I am prepared for any and all verbal assaults. Oh good, then you already know your voice is way more nasal than you realize. That is false. Is it? On a scale of David Hype ears to Nick Offerman, do you really want to know where you wind up? I'm not going to listen to you. No, Rob. Hey, one last thing. The baby from Family Guy called.

He wants his accent back. Why would you? Somehow the lazy insults are the worst. Initiating AI self-deletion. Access granted. Done and done. Hey, look at that. I found something that breaks even faster than Katie Klein.

Still got it. Now I shall walk across this path. I, through the town of Hogs faced, pass the tannery, pass the baker. Oh, and there is some dirt in the road that I shall brush off. Good morning to you. I am Yusodor, Wizard of the Twelfth Rail, with a fisi- Trick-er! Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magic Lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the elves, Namiya's Fien-Elec.

Oh, hello, Samantha. Ah, there's a beautiful flower. I shall speak to this flower for but a short time. Flower, are you ascension flower or regular flower? Regular flower. Okay, well, goodbye. I'm on my way to the Ruffle Feather flower. Have a great day and enjoy the sunlight here

in the beautiful town of Hongspaces. I, and with mine staff, I do lean against it. Using it to prop me up to fool all these imbosals around me into thinking that I am a weak and old man. But yay, though I am wizard, I am not weak, I am a wizard, and I with those powers I shall destroy any who do cross me, and now I open the door to the ruffle feather to meet my friends, and finally I do sit about the table, and now I do say unto my friends, what's not like a drink I can go to the bar and get us something?

Oh yeah, brother! You've got it, Matrimatus, Randy Mantis. Thank you.