Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 72 - Dripfang Returns

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Dripfang the Chef Inquisitor stops by the tavern in an attempt to improve the podcast. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDripfang: Kevin ScirettaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Exhaust Vent 44A has been breached. Oh, it's a new one on me. Oh, you know what? It's probably the mysterious man breaking into the bunker. Well, it's in for a bit of a surprise. Why am I talking to myself? I'd better tell Trisha about the breach. You guys enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun.

I'm your host Arne Neekamp. You're nervous in the podcast before. This is everything you need to know about three and a half years ago. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago. Into the magical land of fun. Oh, hey. You're getting a slight Wi-Fi signal. Through the portal.

Yeah, no, go ahead. Macho Manifest, Randy Mantis. I forgot the wrist. Oh, well, I'm still getting Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the portal. And I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the ruffled feather.

Used to be the Vermilion Minotaur. You know, Randy, you know, we were gone for a week. Yeah. We had broken into the were gone for a week? Yeah. We had broken into the tavern, trying to like find the weapon there, get us a bunch of magical stuff. We fell into a pocket dimension as you do. Lost a week. And now we're back here and we only got a couple of those magic things.

Oh, that was way more interesting than the preamble you usually do. Oh really? Yeah. What do you not like about the Bramble I usually do? Just a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's redundant.

All you do is change number of months. Oh, but Randy, I mean, I know you're here in the tavern every week, but you're assuming no one knew who's gonna come by. Well, don't fight me on my opinion, you asked. That's fair. Don't ask my opinion and then argue. That's fair. Don't ask my opinion and then argue. That's true. Randy, what the fuck are you doing here?

I'll head out. It's good to see you. Did you want something when you stopped by? No. I'll just start to have some fun. Okay. I don't know why I started this podcast with no one else at the table. But you...

Well, take care. Hey, Yusudor! Chant! Yusudor Chant, we're starting the podcast with no one else at the table. But you... Well, take care. Hey, Yusunor! Chant! Yusunor Chant, we're starting the podcast! Are you interviewing Macho Mancest Randy Mancest? No. Chant, Yusunor, come over here. Why are you closing your mouth when you talk?

Gosh! It's more difficult to hear you that way. Gosh, you're over here. D don't want to talk to you. Everyone relax. Arnold has a lot of job, but you should know I shall save him. Yes, here. Glad to be put my hands on either side of your face. And cast a spell that shall free you. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don trying to be sly. Oh, you failed. We should just have a word.

If you're ever talking to someone and you don't want to talk to them, we should have a word. We should have a word. Yeah, let's come up with it right now. Um, framble. Well, framble's good. Hello.

Hello. Well, that's going to be said often in the show. Okay, that's true. Um, how about... Dr. Monstowitz. Dr. Monstowitz, I think that's it. But what if we're interviewing someone called Dr. Monsterwitz?

That's going to be a problem. What if it's, um, Frickuset, cribbage, um, Wango Bongo, meat. Meat, well, we might order meat. We're going to order a little bit of raspberry in it. How about, um,

lasso? No, taverns said a lot. Okay, great. Low and behold. Eucidore. Fruit by the foot. Eucidore is a good one. Yeah, Eucidore.

That's my name. Ernie, what's your favorite word? Minecast. Minecast. Mine is Ocelot. Yours is what? Minecast. Minecast.

Minecast. Eucidore, what's your favorite word? I don't know. How about a... Francied. How about we say, Oslo podcast Francine? Yeah, we'll just casually work that into conversation. And the person who we weren't saving from

will never even know? Exactly. Oslo podcast Francine. Yeah. Your favorite word is a proper name. Well, I'd never thought about having a favorite word before, so I just said the first thing that popped into my mind.

Then it happened to be Francine. I don't even think I know a Francine. Hmm, what works out then, because then they'll never be on the show. Oh, yes. Oh, well, Osloot. Podcast? Podcast, Francine. That works very well, but if you want one that's a little easier to work into conversation should pick a word we never use like

sit-ups or resolution Forwarding the plot well structured considered concise Not overstaying it's welcome Oh Hmm, let's stick with the awesome hot podcast ran for a lot of

Yeah, and we can find some sort of shortening where it's like a pot bra with you down with opf opf I yeah, you know Jeff I admit something to the two of you Anything you're afraid to tell anyone else you tell us just definitely speak into that microfiber I'm sad. Oh, you see, you see. He tried so hard to go get the weapons we need to defeat the void, and know how the dark lord and I fear that we aren't making the progress that I wish we were making. And I'm just a little bummed out about it. I'm a little bummed out about it.

I'm a little bummed out too. I feel like we did come out of something, though, because we discovered Hashtag filled the void. Right? That idea that creation will fill the void, so if we get enough people to make shit, we might be in a better... It's a very least it'll slow the void down, gaining us more time, which is clearly the thing we always need. Yeah, I've been doing it ton of type fives, just to help fill that void.

And speaking of filling the void, I also brought this bag of never-ending food from the tavern. So we got a couple magic items. Yeah, I got the eyes of Slendor. We discovered Castle No Way. Yeah. And I've started like using the food from the magic bag, selling it to people, and then buying magic stuff from the ruffled feather. Ooh, smart.

And I've been working on some architectural plans to possibly open up instead of a Chichu's chow, reboot, possibly opening up Chilis to go. The Chilis to go inside of Casanoia was amazing. So good, I never had food that good. Oh, guys. Those spicy cookies. This is the list nurse. This is just underscores how terrible the food and food is. But this... I must... I must also admit to you.

I grew tired of the ruffled feather. I had the bar over this very eve. I did speak to two mercenaries. I did say, joyd me in my quest. I stand up for righteousness and goodness. And they did ask how much it did pay. They're in difference. Caused me to question my own commitment.

Yay, I do begin to waver in my near-ending quest. I know not if I should be so committed as I am. KINGY A DOOR! WHAT? Yes! The brothel fell as king is back, baby! That's what I'm talking about. This is my spot. How you doing? Good to see you.

Where did you get those sunglasses? Shadow Demon, you are looking fresh. You are shadowy and more demon than ever. Are those new tentacles? Look at you. Oh, that well since the the divorce you're really living it Yes, this is what I'm saying around on the house on me drip fang on the dark loads tab I'm so happy to be back amongst the baddest in the worst. Hello Hello drip fang. Oh slot podcast friends. Hey, Dr. Monster Vicks

It's somebody call for Dr. Monster Vicks. Oh, holy crap. It's a lot of progress, friends. Hey, Dr. Monstervix. It's somebody called for Dr. Monstervix. Oh, holy crap, it's a Jewish monster doctor. Hello. It's not a high holiday, so I can perform various medical acts. What's your condition? We need a bris. Ooh, I got my stuff at home. What?

Go get your stuff at home. I'm a doctor, I'm not a loyal. Yeah. Oh you pay I'm so sorry. I meant to talk to our our other guests very well. Come on He hit himself in the face with both his hands. Hey drip bang. Goodbye monster vets It's I'll see you at your sons monster bar mitzvah Well look at this table of sad assholes Look at you dumpy, dumpy sad sad. See, this is making me even sadder. Good. The way you came in, Tripfag, I must admit I am

so much jealous for that is off the way I would enter the Vermilion Minotaur. Grandios in all my glory. Full of life and vigor, ready to take on the world and celebrate to my friends that I would spend the evening drinking ails with. Ah well, yes, well I recognize, of course, that you would normally burst into the Catillion dinosaur or whatever the fuck that place was called. Screaming every name and Elf or dwarf is given you. But let's face it, that place sucks. And sucked, and this place is the ruffled feather, which is so much better. There's dark arts, there's magic works

that are done in eldritch horror. I don't even know what that thing is. It's just eyeballs and dicks. I mean, this place, who rules? Who's the person that's all eyeballs and dicks? That's eyeballs and dicks. Oh, yeah. I was a very literal name. Yes. But what's the name of that other person over there that's all just dicks. That's eyeballs and dicks. Oh, yeah. Eyeballs and very literal name.

Yes. But what's the name of that other person over there that's all just dicks and eyeballs? Frank. Yeah. This is so much better a setting for me in particular. And I recognize that you were tied some way to that place. But I'm here to tell you right now

that this should be the base of operations forever. We should burn that place down with magic and we should just meet here forever and ever. He may have a point. I mean, I don't know if we're ever going to be allowed back in the Catillion dinosaur. I feel like this might be a best case in our area to just make this our home except change. But we spend like three and a almost three and a half years of the Catillion Dinosaur. Look, nobody likes the Nathan Philly in Omnivore. That place is over. Ruffled feather is where we should meet.

Now, this is quite contrary to my normal... ...mottos operandi as I am primarily snakes and birds are our natural enemies, though we are descended vaguely from them. But, looking around at all of this as you are now in league with my leech the dark lord this should be the place where you are naturally most at home I still prefer the billion dollar property I do love birds sorry you just mentioned birds I I'm very distracted tonight perhaps if you better if you just did the episode with Tripfag and I have Sit at the bar having a drink. Excuse me for a moment guys guys If we make this look like the Sicilian Numerian, then we can you know, then we can feel like at home

So let's try and recreate that bar here, right? So what do we need? The table will comfortable that we have that yeah Podcasting equipment we have that. Yeah. Podcasting equipment. We have that. It's in a potion. Just gonna drink it. Don't know what it is. Cause I'm evil as fuck. What are you guys talking about? Well, we're just trying to make this podcast feel more like the Submariner, was not exactly what the Dark Lord wished, which is actually why I'm here today. I would come here normally for Vivaldi, and occasionally to jump in the kitchen and whip up a couple of my patented drip-fraing specialities, its realities. But I've been sent here specifically to say you have to make this more popular. You have to expand the reach of this podcast. For the only reason to go back to your form of bar is to find the weapon that will destroy the void. Yes, we're all on the same page

that. Oh, sure. Yeah, we want to do that. We want to destroy the void. I want to join in the tradition of this podcast of recapping things people already definitely know about. Now, if we're going to do that, so what's a recap? Now recap, great question is when you take information. I mean, I know, but just for the list of the people at home who haven't heard for the first time, about three years plus ago, you fell down behind a Burger King and it wound up in the magical land of Foon.

You still have a weak Wi-Fi signal that it's coming from the burger king and you're using it to waste everybody's time with a shape-shifter and a doofus and a blue hat. Hi, you, Sidor! Hello! Now, a recap is something like that where people, we already fucking know all these things, but let's say it again for fun. What I'm saying is, now that you've recapped all of this. It's time to pre-cap. That what the fuck does that mean? That's a problem, that doesn't happen everyone. Pre-cap if it happens for more than four hours, consult a doctor months to it.

Now, you must find a way to reach into your realm, urr, urr, urr, a word that curtles in my mouth, and find a way to have them contribute to the hunt for the weapon that will destroy the void. And again, if we are all, if we are going to then find the, this can't be the name of the place you're in, but the Vamillion Minotaur? Right, not that close. I just wanted to say that. If we're going to find that weapon and you're going to need it, you're going to have to expand. Now, I have gained the laptop of the Baron, Rengoon, this weird object, the peach.

Oh, that's really hard. Yeah, that's the peach. Yes, if you could or made a copy of my laptop and the Baron has it, the thing that you have to do is find a way to make more people listen, use the door, get over here, you should be hearing this!

I'm sorry, I'm just so sad and all I want to do is go back to the scarlet salmoneo. Listen, the Venetian Trubidor is gone, we have to move past it. You know, I always thought that the Venetian salmoneo is in Spartacus, but it wasn't, it was Tony Curtis. Oh, but yes, you call me over. I tell me how you want to proceed. What should I do to capture this weapon? Much like when I raised all the corpses and sensed them directly at you to bother you. Again. No, actually, I didn't.

Scratch that. You told me to do that. That's a sidebar. We had to destroy most of them and tore up the, the, the million minutes. They're inside bar? This is cool as hell. After this, we should go to sidebar. You guys haven't been to sidebar yet? I the, the, a million minutes or two. There's a side bar? This is cool as hell. After this, we should go to side bar. You guys haven't been to side bar yet?

I mean, the mini burgers are great. It's sideclops night. It's sideclops night at side bar. Yes. Well, the sideclops sing karaoke and then they fight to the death. Wait, how do you spell side bar? So, see why.

De bar. Oh, okay, I really only wanted to know the first two left. Me too. I will cast a spell on all of us to remove one of our eyes. Oh, well, I still have all these eye patches. Yeah, it could be just through eye patches. You know what, I'm fine. I've got a bunch of eyeballs in my skin suits. I'm good.

You have eyeballs floating around in there? I've got all sorts of stuff. I've got room since you guys made me cut half my work force in time, my own body. You look, you look different. I, I feel different. I feel, inside my own body. You look different. I feel different. I feel that's, be honest, I feel different. I feel new and I feel good. Because it's not all snakes in there now.

I had to supplement because you can't just have loose skin suit floating around when you're when you're devoid of half of the snakes that made up your entire body. So I just stuffed it full of another workforce. Oh, well you look like a slimmed down pillowcase for spaghetti. Thank you so much. And a good way. No, I always took that as a compliment. Oh, good. But you said you failed, so you said you replaced it with something else? What did you replace? The most next one. Ghost eels. Ghost eels. I summoned the ghost of eels in the number that I needed. in the number that I needed. A bruise, something around 450,

and then just said, all right, boys and girls, grab a skin patch and get in there. And that is why I also look like an eldritch horror moving around. I'm really, I'm just all over the place, right? Yeah, your skin is bubbling and moving and wrangling, a little more than it usually does. I feel more evil than ever.

So you also managed to get some eyeballs in there, though. So just some random body parts, extra bits and bubbles? Oh, well, when you're in a cemetery and you're raising the entire contents of the cemetery, as I did... By the way, let's give it up for some pretty kick-ass necromancy that I engaged upon. Very impressive. Technically, that was very impressive. Well, I should hear the most from you. It was a lot of magic.

It was very impressive. I am more concerned that they were the undead corpses than did attack us. Yep. Well, that's not what we wanted to happen. Oh, well, okay, well, what you want to happen and what you tell people to do sometimes aren't the same thing.

You told me to raise everybody and ask them questions. And when I raised 100% of the corpses in the cemetery and food, I then, when I tried to get all of their attention, they just ran off and naturally tried to destroy you. They must have heard some episode of the podcast that they didn't like in the Netherrealm. That could be so many different episodes. I see.

So, Dr. Ward once, some people were at the first ropes in the game. But some people will come to our fans, some people who like that one would try to save us because of that episode. Did any of the undead come to our defense? Oh, nope. Not one. All of them just as a hive mind decided that they had to kill you and destroy the bar that you were in. They must have heard like an interlude or something then. What? So, well, trick-frying, what are you in up to that's so great.

I research, and drinking, and research. I pour myself a glass of blood wine, and I fire up the old peach. Now, are you researching necromancy or your culinary art? I am a compendium of necromancy or your culinary art. I am a compendium of necromancy information. Near research needs be done for I AM THE RESEARCH! People who research on me. So no, to your question. But I have been looking at other podcasts on your world

at through the portal of the peach. You've been doing earth research? Earth research. that almost works what are some of that I mean we've listened to some podcasts on Arnie's phone what are some podcasts you found excellent gripping and I trained to be evil bring his throat how are you how are your classes This Griffin is going to night school.

Oh! Yeah. To be a night. Oh! Very nice. Very evil. When you first said Griffin, I expected to see Acro Griffin, but this is just a small boy named Griffin.

Yes, this is just a small, this is just a 10 year old named Griffin. Hello Griffin, it's nice to meet you. Thank you! Fair enough. That's a 10 year old. Now, this, this part, a lot of things that talked about on podcasts, which are Legion. Oh yeah. By the way, it must be the most popular art form on your realm, because I think it is mandatory

that every person in every household have a podcast. I know, but I don't know how it's been the last three years or so, but before I came to Foon, there were at least 400 or 500 podcasts on Earth. They have, I believe, quadrupled. The thing that seems to be most popular is, do you know anyone who has been murdered? Or is so many people who've been murdered? Okay, you've actually murdered some people? Well, it's a little ambiguous how responsible we are.

Are you asking me to pick my favorite murder? This is what I'm talking about! If you know someone who's been murdered, or- Which that one is fucking amazing, by the way. Uh-hmm. And- Or you are someone who has murdered vast amounts of people,

or just enough to make quote unquote the papers as they refer to as, then you have material for a podcast. Just talk about OR try to find murderers. Well, what are some famous murderers and fumes? Oh, oh my god. There's so many. There's a, there's a, there's tree, there's the tree killer. The tree killer?

The tree killer, known for killing over 500 trees. Is that just like a lumberjack? Oh, okay, well now we know why he was so easily caught. They just went to his office. Yeah. There was Jack the Jumper. Who's Jack the Jumper? Oh, notorious murderer.

Never caught. His signature move would be to kill a young woman in the deductness of the night. I, and then as soon as someone did surround him, some constable did catch him, you would jump hundreds of feet into the air. Oh yeah, there's also eyeballs and dicks who's still on the loose.

Who's just like a mashup of eyeballs and dicks who would sit in a bar behind someone, wait patiently and then slit their throat with a dick. Oh, wonderful. I'll never catch him. How sharp are those dicks? Some are pretty sharp, some are not. Huh, I've seen him open up an envelope with one.

But I've heard about it, I've heard myth of it. Hmm. There's also Jump the Jacker, who is a tribute to Jack the Jumper. When he would kill people by leaping from a great height and landing directly on them. And then when- Luckily a copycat always falls lands on its feet. And when the constables would arrive, he would yell, Jack!

And they would turn around and go, where? And then he would run away. Because he thought he was revealing the location of Jack the jumper And sometimes the constables take a while to come up with these names and to realize the patterns that exist To create this motor and first they just call them squishy Which does it really sound terrifying? There's no pop. There's no pop there's there doesn't grab you and say I got to catch this guy So try talking about murder more often. Recipes, people love it when you tell them how to make things. Oh you said, or you could speak in your chat.

I just did. I just did do that all the time. You know? You just did go in the wizard's head all the time. Well I still do that. I just don't do it on microphone. What recipes do I like? Ooh, can I give you an idea?

Yes of course. Can you give us a recipe for murder? Oh! Change the name of this podcast recipe for murder! Or hello from the recipe for murder. Yes, I like the first one better. What do you have to do? It's first finding freshly living human beings. Take them and gently coax them into your wagon or home.

Damn, this one's sexy as hell. And I as the chef inquisitive will fact-check every part of his recipe. Okay, coax them into your wagon or your home. Then, convince them that they should stop with the slip a bit of poison to them and then when they least expect it and the poison begins to take effect and right before they die stab them in the neck or a dick that's it that all checked out. That was perfect.

That is a recipe for murder. I'm glad you said or did it, and not me, the chef inquisitor who's a necromancer, slash chef, who's the whole thing is cooking and killing people. Why don't you do one? Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, This recipe for murder look clearly we are a bitter enemies, but we have how many goals like we all want this podcast I have more fun. That's all remind people I hate Arnie. I hate John I hate you said door the most you said or I respect the most because we're magical rivals

But everybody here as I've always said can fuck off right into the ocean And the the feeling is fuck off you a book. I appreciate that. I honestly do. Cheers. Blood, blood, blood, blood, playing. Now, a recipe for murder that I attribute to my arch enemy, Yusidor, shall do in the standard recipe voice as well. Can we get the candles to half? No, too dark. Look higher. Perfect.

Griffin, do you mind playing some music? Thank you! And Drift Fang, before you begin, is there a way that you feel like the listener should best listen to this? Like, should they take a bath while they listen to this or should they be driving? Yes, they should be taking a bath while driving. Now, sign yourself to a cart that is possessed by you. Fill it with water and soap, life candles around it, and

fly around in your bathtub as you listen to this. The recipe, um, a giant, giant, soft breeze, howl of wolf coyotes. Fine, what? Feng Tian being. See, he said humans, I said you could do this with anyone. It's onkluse. Befriend them at your place of work. Join in common interests. Pretend you like things that they like, even if the things they like.

I fucking dumb. Be a sociopath literally your entire life. Just from birth until you drop dead. Have the person over your health. Watch some manner of entertainment. Eat. Drink. Be a con video.

Yarn! Well, it's time I should be going to the old sleep sack. You should go to where you live. I will remain here. This is all right. They will eat, they are polite. They will walk into the street, leave your house. Go up behind them. And smash them with your bathtub.

Do this about 14 to 22 times. Over the period of one to 35 years. Be caught or remain at large to taste. I like these open options. Yeah. That was fantastic. You have to make options. Yeah, that was fantastic. We have to make a very much, you have to make a recipe yourself. You know, you give you the guidelines, but then you person a life.

And there's room to improvise in there. Always, there's always room to improvise even when, after a while, you realize you really shouldn't be. May I make one possible alteration suggestion? It will make me furious, but I would love if you would. I hate you. I hate you too. Corian. Oh, God, you're right. Everybody's house to thirds and dead.

Mmm, see the whole thing again would just add Corian? The whole thing again. What is this? No, that's the way I would have gone with it. I don't remember what I said. Alright, well, Driftfang, thank you so much for, like, I think you're really trying to help the podcast sincerely, and I appreciate that even though you're very evil. Coriander. Yes, I'm very evil, yep. But I do this not for you, not for either Arnie or Chantin, especially not for you, Zedor.

But for the Dark Lord, he's wife. Sworn loyalty to forever. Yeah, you know, because guys, you know, I feel like we've gotten so distracted by all the work we've been doing to defeat the void and all these different things, we have really not focused enough on making this podcast really sellable. Really like, like, has something that like listeners will latch onto and be like, ooh, this is a genre I know and love. Well, it's a journalistic podcast about your experiences here in this strange world. It seems like journalism and commercialism

have a potential conflict of interest at points, don't you think? I mean, that's true until you add sponsors. And then you really just go towards whatever's going to make you the most money. But doesn't that impact the quality of the journalism? Not that the quality of the journalism? Not that the quality is that eye to begin with. Maybe?

Another thing people seem to like on your realm are... Let me see if I'm saying this right. Sports. Are sports the same thing? You're there as they are here? Well, Arnold seemed confused by Middens, but of course we have Middens. Oh yeah, but they have a thing called footing ball. Ah, the footing ball. They also have, as I've

had a good thing right here, the basketing ball, the basing ball, the fuck you I hate you, you're not my dad. He just wrote that, that's not a sport. He just, I'm not trying to be his father. I don't like him. But yes, the thing in podcasts about sports that is most common is for people who appear like they have no business actually playing the sport they are commentating on giving vastly over hyperbolic definite opinions on how those sports should go. So again, we're talking about people who look like they've never lifted a thing in their fucking existence, telling super athletes how they should conduct their business. So I think the three of you should just backflip and stick the landing on that no problem. Well, okay, I suppose we can do that but perhaps if we want to talk about Middens more

Oh, here we could say like I think that a Reginald I have to give you you have to get an intro you can't just go. Oh, yes, okay You're in the midden zone where it's hard hidden in midden spin I'm your host Did you drip drip Fanger? I give myself a fun radio name. No, that's right. Thank you. It's dripfanger today on the, today on the, the, the round table. Not populated by knights in a king, but populated by our, kukukukaku, kakukaku, commentators.

What is going on in the world of the mimimimitins? Yusudora, the Mitten's me. Regional Plum Plopper is one of the worst forwards that's ever existed. I love a Scors team, but the buzzers are failing and they're not going to get off of their failing streak until they get rid of Plum Plopper. See, that's where I disagree. I think the buzzer seems to capitalize on the crew that they have. I mean, with their head coach having, you know, a great... How many birds have they killed this year? They haven't caught enough birds, they haven't killed enough

birds. They need more wizards on the field. It doesn't matter, it's not about the birds. It absolutely matters. Point of order, again, when speaking in sports terms, facts actually don't matter. It's just whoever yells at the other one the loudest until everybody just dies. Can I have a maybe a suggestion? How about I count to 30, use your door counts to 30, and in between Arnie counts to 4, so it'd be 30, 430, and whoever counts fastest wins. All right, let's do it. Back in the mid and zone, it's time for the number down. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 3, 4, 4, Are there other genres that we could really like latch onto that would be more appealing for people on earth?

Ah, yes. I have a final category upon this scroll that has been written here. And again, as all scrolls I write, they are in blood on skin. Now, it says here that people like it. When you give them advice. Ooh, let me get something from the bar. They can come over here, ask a question, and we'll have Arnie, the local Yahoo answer.

Oh, all right, all right. Hello, my name is Frank. Frank, how are you? That I'm doing okay, Frank, do you have a problem? Now Frank, everyone remembers is made of dicks and eyeballs. Not eyeballs and dicks. Yes. I have a question. I saw someone the other day who looked exactly like someone else.

Him is twins. Him is twins. Huh. Well, thank you, Frank, and thank you, John, for bringing us that question from Frank. I don't know. Am I supposed to give real advice or funny advice? Give any advice that you want and then whatever people respond. If people think it's funny, then that's what you were trying to do. But if people take the advice, then you're like, I am a guru. Oh, okay. Him, him, him could be twins. Him could be twins. Him could be doppelgangers.

Either him as twins, him as doppelgangers, or it could be him as just him. Him is mirror dimension version, that's sent to destroy you, destroy him before he destroys you. Him is carrying a mirror shaped exactly like him, reflecting him perfectly. Him is you from the future, return to tell you a terrible, terrible fact. Kill him before he does so. Guys, I mean, I think some of these are good ideas, but they could only sustain for four or 500 episodes.

Like, I think we call it Earth Love to talk about like terrible movies. Maybe we could do something called like, Sounds That Was An Awful Play, and just talk about some real bad, bad plays you guys have seen. Oh, that sounds good. You think these are good ideas? Yeah.

Oh, what if we had a member at Castle Noir, honey had a happy hour? Yeah. What if we did a happy hour? And during that happy hour, we talked about all kinds of popular culture. Oh, yeah. There are many wonderful plays and musicians here in Foon,

putting on all sorts of very delightful acts that I enjoy, but I'm mad about a lot of them. Yeah, a lot of them are like, how did this get created? Now remember, if you're mad about how something was created, and you don't like it, it invalidates the opinion of anyone who in fact does like it. And if they say, well, I like it, your job is to make them feel stupid. So you're saying you can win opinions? You can absolutely win opinion, oh, pin win. What do you can pin win? Let's have a can absolutely win pinion. Oh pin win

What you can a pin win. Let's have a show called a pin win a pin win You know Bill you're on a pin win. I'm your host Drep him drum and today we're gonna give an opinion and then you're gonna fight with it And then we're gonna win because it's our show and you can't answer back No, Arnie give us an a pin win. Well, you know what? Some people, I don't like it. If a drink is too hot, a hot drink is all you need in life. I mean, on a cold, chilly day, having that steamy hot,

tidy work its way down your body. That's what it's all about. Not saying a hot drink isn't good. I'm just saying that it's possible for a drink to be too hot. You're fucking coward. Why are we stuck on the dichotomy of hot or cold? Now, the final score, Arnie 2, chant 3, use the door 16, use the door's door minute, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, I don't understand the score

in total baby bear and one. I saw the most recent cocktailous play in their long series of plays. Such fun. About the wars that existed 500 years ago, the wars of the tulips. And I thought that the eighth installment in the tulip wars series was awful. And I'm rewriting it right now. I'm changing it completely because I think they ruined all the characters and they ruined my child.

This, you're gonna, that this is a central aspect of a discourse that you said or hits upon upon your realm. If there is an aspect of fictional culture that you don't like, that existed while you were small in your developmental years, if it doesn't progress exactly how you wanted to, you react like they killed your entire family all around you for the worst reasons possible and act like a fucking baby for the rest of your life. What? You're is about it! Good.

I will not stand for it! That's exactly right. I shall burn every copy of that play that I do find, and if someone tries, oh, they even try to mount that play here in Hogsfaced, no, that I shall go and protest outside with a sign saying, not mine tulips war! Yes, make sure you protest that and not something important. Devote all your energy to yelling at people who portray fictional characters.

You know, I don't think I've seen any of the tulip war plays. Maybe we could do a podcast where we go through all of the plays, but just like a minute at a time. So like a tulip war is minute. You're going to go through one minute at a time? Well, I'm just saying, I don't want us to be able to do this podcast for a really long time. So if we go like a minute, okay, about two minutes.

It's tulip boar's two minutes. Ooh, all right, you got me with the pod. Tulip is to human. You lost me with the fun. Guys, I think we're avoiding the biggest possible get from all of this. I feel like if we could get a segment of a low-from-the-magic tavern on a podcast and radio show on Earth called This American Life, then we're made. Then almost everyone on Earth who listens to podcasts will listen to this.

Ghosteos, pick a leg. Come on, I look like a piece of Blink Weenie here. Everybody shift, everybody bounce out. who listens to podcasts will listen to this. Yeah, we're in fun. Yeah, but you know, they've been on so long. They do stories from, like, other countries. And so what you're saying. So what you're saying? So what you're saying is that everyone who works on this American life is a liar.

I mean, I think they're working on a greater emotional truth. This American lie. Look what I'm saying is, let's try to do like a real like cut outable segment, like a little self-contained segment that then like ira glass is going to be like, I gotta put that on the American life. He sounds exactly like that. Yes, like that exactly what he sounds like and it's my understanding he's been being made one hundred percent of sentient glass so he's he's completely he has as a journalist should he has complete

transparency i think i have something i think i have some okay yeah this is a start wait uh... act one uh... chant hardly wait you should or is a wizard a blue blue is it at that. This is about you.

And he's a wizard who's doing something a little bit different than what you'd expect. It's not necessarily magic. It's renting an apartment in his hat. Uh, 2500 gold pieces a month. You can rent out my hat, of course. Random background noise, random background noise. Shrink down to a size appropriate to be inside of my hat. And when you leave, grow back to your normal size.

It's a very simple process. And Anni Meekamp believes that everyone involved with this American life is a dirty liar. That's what he had to say, and as the story felt so right, it took quite a left. You see, Ysidor had a tenant in that hat, a young boy by the name of Kid Yusidor in a relation. Well, I never knew his real name. I just saw him and I was tasked with caring for him and as his mentor, the first name that occurred to me was Kid Yusidor. Hammering for some reason, bird in the background, alligator goes by.

I love birds. That seemed like the perfect name I so I treated him as my sidekick if you will I for a short time and then he had other plans on he hates everyone it's like pretty good yeah that is really good let's maybe let's do act to a drip thing you've got to have some kind of great emotional story from your past. Like, you know, don't know not too much pressure, but just like a really funny, but also heart-wrenching story

that has like a surprise twist every two minutes that just keeps pulling you through. Sure, I'm surprisingly shallow, but I'll give it a shot. Okay, so, act 2, drip fangs for the memories. A babbly book. to drip fangs for the memories. A babbling brook. Hi, school! Not my school.

Everybody looked at me like I was the weirdo because my family moved from a different part of food to that part of food and I had a hard time getting along. And when I would talk to people, they would say, get away from me weirdo. When I would talk to a teacher, they would punch me in the face. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- That's exactly right. They would look upon me and say, your father's an ecremancer and your mom's bunch of snakes. Nobody likes you when they never will. Snake is a... Snakes kiss. But then I found the one thing that would endear me to these classmates

because you don't want them to like you, but they have to like you so that you can literally survive. So, I found the one thing that would draw us all together. Food. And I combined it with the thing that I was natively good at, necremancy. and when I put them together They all picked me up and threw me in a gout, which is why I went back years later and smashed it

Oh, that was very Yeah, I feel like I know you better now And I feel like we have a connection that perhaps Though we've sworn to be enemies perhaps we should find some common ground Okay, and in response to that based on my past trauma though we've sworn to be enemies, perhaps we should find some common ground. Okay, and in response to that, based on my past trauma, I'm going to build a wall between us, a literal wall. Griffin! Phil, gather, yes, start building, he's doing it right now.

That's gonna take him up Fortnite. I'll get that! Well, dripping, thanks for stopping by. I feel like I had so many questions about those ghost deals that I never got to, but maybe next time? Well, they've unionized. If that answers any of them, the questions that you had. What does that mean they unionized? Well, I have to collectively bargain with them now. I can't just deal with them on a one-on-one

basis when it comes to labor disputes. Isn't that better though? You have so many snakes and eels in your body. Don't you want to talk to them all at once instead of? It is really much better and I don't understand why anybody would do anything to subvert that sort of system. And I'm evil. Yeah, and you're evil. You get it. I'm evil. I killed something on the way over here I won't tell you what it is because you have to listen to my recipe. Oh, Well, you know what? Tripping. Thank you for reminding us So we really need to focus on outreach on this podcast and getting more listeners.

I think one of the ways of doing that is continuing the back and forth dialogue with our listeners through emails. You can email me at MagicTaver and at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address. We get hundreds of emails, but you know what? We want your email too. Here's one I got this week, a subject line,

my dad lost his arms, help. Hello, Arnie Chunt and the great use to do or my name's anthony nothing for me great thanks for you so i don't know i'm a huge fan of yours and i'm up to season two episode thirty two my dad lost both of his arms in an accident work frowny face he works with the power lines on trains big moving tubes with people inside my question is mainly for useusudor and Chant. Sorry, Arnie, oh that's okay, you're dealing with a lot.

Is there any kind of limb replacement for soldiers in fune? Or even something like regeneration of limbs? I'm a college student and have been working on improving my dad's prosthetics, but I'm afraid we just don't have the technique to make them as good as real hands. Any help from the great world of fune? Thank you, smiley face, Anthony, the maker of fake arms, PS, I make fake arms. Well there is some regeneration magic and of course my

healing rock that allows some regrowth of things, but there are limitations even here in fune. Unless you are willing to delve into the dark necromancer gods Hello Yes, there are certain limitations, but that doesn't matter for we accept all people's regardless of what ever may have happened to them As they are. Yeah, everyone here is wildly different. That's what makes food so special also That's cool as fuck that Anthony's making prosthetics. Yeah! Good for you, Anthony. Keep up the good work. What a noble pursuit, second only, to you doing a podcast meant to save two worlds.

And don't delve into the necromancy cards. Look, you could try to solve this with magic, but there will be a price, and that price will be too high to pay, probably. Like, you'll have a bunch of ghost deals and your dad's arms. Everybody move, just shift over. I'm sorry, I didn't have a pillow for most of that. What are we talking about? Never mind. Walk the doors, there's been a murder. Someone got stabbed in the neck by a dick.

How do you know it's a dick? I know, it's B, Dr. Monsterwitz. This is a classic dick murder. Classic dick murder. To be continued. No, no, no, leave it on cliffhangers. Classic dick murder. Classic dick murder. To be continued. No, no, no, leave it on cliffhands. To be continued.

Bring them back, baby. I'm pretty sure I know who did it. Yeah, also listeners do not expect to find out next week. I expect to know it's me Griffith. You know, you know who did it. You know. Where was it Frank or was it eyeballs and dicks? Is eyeballs and dicks? Is eyeballs and dicks?

You don't know that. To be continued. Yeah. I love Trip Bang. He's evil but in like a relatable way. And up, here he comes. And now, prepare for a battle rival in all-known crossover events and- Not. So fast.

Oh, look at this, me getting pacing advice from Lazy Susan. It's time that I- We found the original personnel roster for the bunker. Nice try, hiding it in a binder marked Twitter code of conduct rationale. We would never have found it if the strange force that recently inhabited my body hadn't guided me to it. And then it took me a while to read it because I got super busy with television. You know, I was ready for this kind of mutinous, boring behavior from Trisha, but not you, Craig. Maybe it's time you used his proper title.

The title given to me by the bunker guardian, high council. Uggh. Emperor Craig. And Queen Trisha, you have to call me that now. You're not a queen, you're still just the intern. Well when Craig found out that he was the emperor, he made me a queen. He can do that, that's how it works.

You have to call me that now. I already had a new stationery made, so that's the end of it. That's what's gonna happen from now on. Period, the end. Yes, I think it's time we had a little personnel shake up. Now, read the credits. In turn. So, this is the low-level, annoying humiliation

that Arnie must feel all the time. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adel Rafaia. Drift Fang the Necromancer was played by special guest Kevin Seretta. Kevin performs regularly with the improvised Shakespeare company. Kevin is on Twitter, but find him yourself. I won't be a party to it, just like I wouldn't give someone driving directions towards an active hot vomit volcano. Although from the magic tavern was produced by Arnie Neekambe Evan-Jacover and Ryan to Georgie.

This one edited by Ryan to Georgie. Music by Andy Poland. Logo by Do I Really really have to thank him he designed the logo like four years ago? Do it, logo by Allard LeBan, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and earwolf.

This has been the entirety of the credits, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to chew on some iron shavings. I think I'm gonna like this arrangement.