Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 75 - Beyond Sweater Quest

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

We continue to magically see what-would-have been, if we had left on Usidore’s Quest…and found Otok.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungOtok Barleyfoot: Nick BaerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free, on Wondery Plus. And after you're done with that, you can organize my X-Men comics by character death in ascending order of grizzliness. Got it, I'll leave a space for the death of the franchise after apocalypse. Hey, while I'm doing that, I assume you're engaging the ionization smoke screen to conceal the higher output of reality distortion microbes. As leader of the bunker, that's something you know about, right?

I do know that thing, but I am very busy at the moment with this pen. Because I'd be happy to take care of that on the supervised and without you know undermining you in the process. Good, good. Meanwhile, I should tell our listeners that the following podcast is not real and also enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neacamp.

If you've known this in the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About 3.5 plus years, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fun. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, my good bud, my little badger buddy, the talking badger who is a shapeshifter but to me he'll always

be a badger even if he's a different thing, ch, the talking badger who is a shapeshifter, but to me he'll always be a badger even if he's a different thing, chunth the talking badger. Hmm, chun please. Oh, you haven't done that catchphrase as much lately. Oh, it's just something I say I don't mean for it to be a catchphrase. Oh, I also was thinking about it and I thought maybe moving forward if you want or if you can remember, I thought maybe you could call me like a Shadger a shadger or a bifter just because you always call me a badger I always correct you that I'm a shape shifter So I thought why don't we have more compromise on the show a shadger

I can I called you like a shadger? Conkel a shad that doesn't make sense to me. It'll make sense to a very small number of people I feel like even the people it makes sense to they're It'll make sense to a very small number of people. I feel like even the people that make sense to, they're gonna be like- They won't like it. Whoof. They'll then call me a... call me a bifter. A bifter or a bifter?

A bifter. I'm gonna call you a bifter, even though it doesn't really make sense. It's a badger shape shifter. Bifter. A bifter. Alright, you're a bit of a bifter. And you know what? Who's a bit of a whifter?

My other co-host, and buddy, Yusador, the wizard. I am Yusador. Spaghetti. Wizard of the twelfth rail, Mavaphesius. Wester of like and shadow. Whester of the twelfth rail. Minimulator of magical lights. Developer of chaos.

Champion of the great halls of Trakas. The elves knew me as Fiengelak. The dwarves knew me as Zonen in Hukestangies, and I am known in the northeast. As gasmwellius may star. And there may be other secret names. Wolves know me as Zoonine and Hoogstein, and I'm known in the Northeast as Gasmunius Mastar, and there may be other secret names. I, and if I were to err, utter one of these names allowed,

most assuredly, every magical instrument in the land of Foon would come alive and sing a song of death. So at first I thought that was gonna be adorable. Like I feel the fact that it gonna be like a Disney-esque little objects coming alive and singing songs, but it's a song of death. Well, you're missing the point to their instruments in their singing. But they're singing about death.

Yeah, it's a bit of a juxtaposition. Yes, but usually they just make music, they don't sing. People sing. You said it right. You've missed the point. You're bearing the lead. Never mind, move on. You said or.

Could you sing a little bit of the song that like an adorable teacup would sing about death? A teacup? How's a teacup an instrument? That instrument of tea? Yeah, I guess everything's an instrument when you think about it. I suppose so. You're an instrument of magic. I'm an instrument of adorableness. Are Arnie's an instrument of change? Okay fine, I'm different instrument. No, I have a spoon. I have a fine. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b about it, we've been getting a lot of emails requesting it. Remember a while back, maybe a year ago, we did a book club where we read The Great Gatsby from Earth.

Oh yeah. The famous Earth book that none of you liked. Yeah, I mean, it ended with a light. Is that how a lot of Earth books in is just like a colored light? As I lay dying, I think, and so with a colorful light, probably. As I lay dying, ends with a colorful light, that. As a late dying ends with the colorful light,

that's just as juxtaposed as a song about death. Do you realize that? Well anyway, I was thinking that we got to find an earthbook that you guys alike, and it was so fun to have a book club, right? It was very fun. It was informative, and it was an instrument for knowledge. And our listeners got to read it alone.

Well, someone shoved through the dimensional portal a copy of the book pride and prejudice How many snubbed nose to motorboats are in it? You know what I've actually never read the book pride and prejudice, but I have very confident there are no Motorboats snub knows their otherwise. Well, I shall immediately start reading this book to decipher it for all the runes and magic spells hidden within. So guys, we're all going to read Pride and Prejudice and Dear Listener. I encourage you to read Pride and Prejudice along with us, and we'll do a book club episode in Latinau, two or three months.

We're going to give you, but especially us a long time to read this book. Ernie, I'm excited, but I got it meant I'm a little bummed. What's wrong, Bifter? I mean, you were telling us about the greatest fiction books on Earth, and I thought we could read one of them that you mentioned next. What's that? The Bible? Oh, you said it's a nice sweet short story.

Hey, direct all emails to Chun with 60s at gmail.com. Why did you say that? I'm just saying I don't want to feel emails about that. You don't really want to dig into the Bible right now with us? No. Let's read the Bible for the book club. No, no, I mean Maybe it would be but no, hey, let's put it on the list of potential other books for the book club We should pull people on Twitter to see what folks they want to hear us read next We could put up the Bible. We could put up. What's that girls diary? You said that you read was that a no?

No, no. Now I remember you saying that we should have a show Bible. Is that the same thing? No You said if Netflix calls we should have a show Bible What about your favorite book? You said Carrying things. What was that called? Oh the things they carry that's a great collection of short stories Isn't your favorite book that is my favorite book. I haven't read it a long time. You know what? I listen to you too, Berifter. Is that right?

Bifter. Bifter or Chang? Chang. Oh wait, what's that noise? Oh, the eyes are sitting door. The pupils are back. Oh yes, they've had time to regain their magical energies and show us other timelines that we never were able to live ourselves.

That's right! You have the magical other timelines that I'm just repeating what you said. Yes you are. Honestly, I'm a little shook from what we last saw. It was pretty intense. I know it was crazy that if we had left on Yusador's quest instead of being imprisoned by the Dark Lord, Gurm would have died. Yus said, are you okay, bud? Well, I am more emotionally sound than I was the last time I used the eyes of slidden doors, but I still think of Gurm, and I wonder what might have been for I fell in love. Try not to think about what might have been, because that was then, and you have taken different roads.

That's right. But am I in love with gum? Eucitor is there possible if you phone love with someone in an alternate history? I don't know. I've never happened before. Ooh, I know who to ask. Who? Can. Isn't that how you summon them? You just snap and say can. Can. Has that ever worked? Sometimes can. it takes them a while to show up though can can can can can can can can can can can can can

He's dead You did mention that he died recently and that's right We saw that we would have found Otock. Oh, yes, but we didn't find out much about what happened to him because the battery ran out But now it's just a genius. It worked out great for us. But now let's just take a moment to think of envisioning O-Talk in that other timeline and then breathe in. Oh. O-Talk.

O-Talk. It's me. O-Talk, buddy. Oh my gosh, it's so good to see you. I've missed you so much. I'm here. I'm so glad you're still alive. You guys. I'm here. oh, talk. It's me. Oh, talk, buddy. Oh my gosh. It's so good to see you. I've missed you so much. I'm so glad you're still alive. You guys are a sight for sore eyes. Give me a hug.

Oh, John's a grill. Sorry, that's touching your lips. No, give me that feeling. Yeah, take it, take it, take it. Give him, give me. I would come over and give you a hug, oh, talk, but I did recently lose both of my legs. I'm not super mobile. Wow Well, see I lost an eye. Oh, yeah, yeah, so not quite as bad, but but you know what from both of us I think it gives us character. Oh absolutely. Oh, I've seen some stuff guys otok. What happened to you? Well, it's it's gonna take a bit But first of all blemish. She's he's back at the tavern right? Well, it's gonna take a bit, but first of all, Blemish, he's back at the tavern, right? I already, I kinda left him in charge.

I think we kicked him out of it. I just wanna make sure. I think we kicked him out of the tavern before we left on the quest, but as a Blemish, I'm sure he's snuck back. I just wanna make sure someone is watching the tavern because that's my birthright. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure it's important to me.

I'm sure Glumish is watching the tavern. Who do you want to be watching the tavern? Well, I hoped it would be a joint effort between you and him, like I said. Well, that didn't work out so well. Oh, no, even before he lost his legs, he didn't use them much. So he didn't really do a lot to help

the upkeep of the tavern so much? And ever since he lost them, he keeps making us call him loose tent dan, which I don't understand. L-T-D. I don't even know what that means, Ernie. Guys, I like a loose tent. Don't you hate when you're camping

and you're in a really skinny tent, ooh. And then sometimes he just has that. Jenny, and I don't understand what that's all about. Well, hey, easy baths, easy. Oh, oh, Doc, watch out, they're all in they're all, they're all, they're all, they're all, it's okay, it's all right. No, no, it's not okay, because you'll jump off a cliff and then they'll grab you and bring you back up and then somebody else will jump and they're not going to do it.

It's mental terrorism, they've fucked with your head. Guys, guys, don't worry, I know these spider bats. What? They're with me. Oh. Oh, should you know these spider bats? Absolutely. They are responsible for the death of Girm Crossed.

My little love it would be wife, that I would have renounced my magical powers for... Why? And leave the rest of my... I promised to renounce my powers and live a mortal life with her, but now... What? Her head has been smashed at the bottom of the rocks. Oh, he's crying blood. Oh my god.

Because the spider bats so swiftly snapped up chunt, she assumed it would also happen of her. I've never seen this before. When it wizard cries blood, it means that they've lost a great love in their life. And then she left to her own doom. DOO! Oh, man. You star.

Jesus. Yeah, and Yelik, I apologize. I can't be in charge of these guys all the time, but they're my kitchen staff, essentially. To be fair, she was very presumptuous in thinking she could jump off that cliff, and those spider bats were gonna catch her. Yeah, that's not like, you know, what you normally expect

from a spider bat. But we had literally just watched it happen. Yeah, it happened to me, and so I was like, I think like the water's safe, and then, you know, she jumped off the bed. You know what the definition of insanity is, doing the same thing twice and thinking something different is going to happen. Did you read that on a poster? On a mug. Wait, so you're running a kitchen up here? Oh, yeah, I am. It's more of a...

It's gastropub that I'm in charge of. Oh, I'm executive chef. That's great that you found like a new Vermilion minutes Or out here wherever you are that that you know that it's your heart and blood and sweat and tears that makes the Vermilion minutes hard What's what's a place called? Spittoons. Oh, Spittoons. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Spittoons. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, good is catchy. Yeah, I didn't name it blatoon That was a bit too much to do like squittoon sounds a little more colorful with themed. Yeah, Calamari. It's bit themed Yeah, it's bit themed. There's no there's batons which something you spit in everywhere It makes sense because we're so close to the dark l's lock here in the Valley of Strike that that people surely want to spit wherever they want. So it's nice to make a place where they can

spit into some sort of vessel or containers so that their expertise is not all over the place. You know what now that I think about it, I don't think I've spit since I've gotten to phone. Not even once. Huh. I'm sorry I'll talk. I know we haven I've gotten to food. Not even once. I'm sorry Otaq, I know we haven't seen you in a long time, but can we talk about this for a while? What do you think's going on there? I don't know. I mean, I've never been like a real avid spinner.

I feel like one time you got super drunk, you stood up on a table and you said you were especially good at expectorating. Mm-hmm. Is that what it's called? You got to expectorate the unexpected, Ervil Oh, talk. Did you find activity? You're sweet daughter That's right. You left on your quest to find activity. I did I did and I have not found activity actually Oh, I've been delayed on my quest. Oh, damn it people get delayed on quests all the time and happens

Yeah, sometimes for like years that it's right. I know Oh, man. People get delayed on quests all the time and happens. Yeah, sometimes for like years that it's right. I know. Did you get my last message? You know, we did. We did get your message that you were being held captive. And I just had my eye cut out. You know, it was pleading for help.

Yeah. Oh, we wanted to come. We just didn't. It just was very overwhelming. We had a lot going on. We were dealing with a lot is an action-packed Time. Oh you guys, but we did eventually come and find you as an accidental side quest on use-dorsed quest to defeat the dark lord I just assumed I mean obviously flower and crop must have died on the journey home And so when they didn't arrive that you would immediately send out

no so they got back they got back yeah they're good they were really upset and worried about you in the recordings from the stone that we heard the rocky-talkies the rocky-talkies

right and they said they were they were gonna get help they were going back to get help oh it's so good to see you Oh, talk you are my oldest friend. Can we see spoutoons? Is it around here? Yeah, actually it's reds right behind that tree Is it the most with the side of this? Batoon it's right I thought that was coincidence. That's that's not happens to us. That's that's actually not even a tree That's just bats in a tree formation. Oh Right move side guys.

Wow. There it is. Oh, but that's a series of spider bats, right? Yeah. Okay, we thought maybe that might be a friend. Well, can we go in? Yeah, absolutely. So guys, by the way, keep a little profile please.

I don't own this place. Um, okay. It's a high concept trendy restaurant. Who owns the place? Should we be on the lookout for your boss to try and should we talk up your food so that you get, I appreciate it.

With your boss, maybe get a raise? Yes, yes, we'd be glad to help out. We can be plants. Let me just say it's owned by, it's owned by some nefarious gentlemen. Oh, no. Nefarious gentlemen. Oh, like long moustaches that they twirl?

No, super short m mustaches that they twirl? Uh, no, super short mustaches that they... Oh, scratch. But just to be clear, they are gentlemen. Absolutely. So very polite. Sorry, it's probably hard to hear, Olli. Let me drag him over here. Oh, thank you.

Oh. No, they're part of a sedicate. If you know what I mean, right? They're part of a... They're made men. Corruption guild, house claiming. The corruption guild. The guild of corruption. We have never spoke of this before.

We never told you about the CGs. No, what's the Jesus' army? Well, you join the corruption guild to become a master criminal lord. And in time, if you do all the evil deeds that they ask you to do, they take you apart and put you back together, and you are a made man. Wow, well wouldn't that be like a remade man? I'm not taking them apart and putting them back together.

And once you're a made man, if somebody comes up to you and asks you to get your fucking shine box, you can kill them. Mm-hmm. So guys, maybe we shouldn't go into this. No, no about you on the path to become a criminal. No, and you know, like I just want to get out of here. It's a long story, but I escaped from those. Remember the guys with the sores? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A weeping open sores, yeah, yeah. Long story short, Arnie, I was able to use that Best Buy card. You gave me to shimmy my way through my shackles? Shackles, thank you, yes, shackles. They were rope shackles, and I used that Best Buy card. Shimmy my way out of there and escaped. Your face went lily white, is everything okay? No, I lost some good friends that were prisoners with me,

but I couldn't look back, I had to keep moving, and then I fell into another adventure. And one thing led to another and I was in with the CGs. Isn't that how it always goes? Just one adventure after another, just non-stop action. You're sitting in a bar and all of a sudden you meet someone and you're off. You're off to a new land.

You're always outside. You're fighting, you're screaming, you're falling in love. You're breaking up. You're living life. You're living life, you're fighting, you're screaming, you're falling in love, you're breaking up. You're living life, isn't that always the case guys? That's it. Tava goes for me. Yeah. Just makes you want to spit.

I haven't spit since I've gotten to have food. Not even once. Wow. Oh my mind's just getting going and I just need to spit somewhere. Now Otock, is there some way or we can specifically help you? Should we pretend to be a certain type of clientele?

Or is just old friends of yours? I don't know how can we help you utterly escape. Number one, when you come in here, you gotta be gentlemen. So whatever it takes for you to act like a gentleman. And that means loosening some juice. So Arnie starts bitten gentlemen spit It's true grab a spittoon. Let me get in there. Oh

He's doing that thing. What did he call it beatboxing? Oh, I hate it. Oh, he's trying to spit I'm trying to work up some pre-spit If we want to be gentlemen, here's what we must do. Trent, I shall conjure for you a tiny little bowtie. For you Arnold, a new set of legs. What? What are you doing? He's a wizard.

Why didn't you do that before? Because you lost your legs in a terrible battle. Oh, I had to learn consequences. But now I undercover. Okay. And shorten them. Ooh, Yusudor, can you give me a deck of cards? Oh, sure.

There you are. Thank you. And maybe like an oversized coin that I can put across my knuckles. Big coin? Maybe a scar across my face? Scar across the face. And then like a clown nose and clown wig. Clown nose clown wig?

Do I look like a clown to you? No, you don't look like a clown to me. Do I look like a clown to you? No, you don't like a clown to me Do I look like a clown to you? I had no I say you look like a fucking clown. I do you look like a fucking I'm asking I want to look like a clown. Oh, yeah, you look like a clown. Oh, good good good good and I'll take off my hat Whoa Now we are gentlemen Let us enter All right, come on in here.

I'll show you to my corner booth right here. Everybody grab a spatoon, Arnie. Can we walk through the kitchen before we really were at... Yeah, absolutely. Wait, we have to touch the spatoon. No, hold on, put the spatoon back. We're going back outside. Let's go into the kitchen.

We'll walk through the kitchen. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's a lot cooler. It's a power move. All right, just nod to Spider-Bats as you walk by. Spider-Bats. Oh,, just nod to spider bats as you walk by. Spider bats. Oh, that's the one that killed you. Oh, it's good to see you.

Oh, yeah. Nice, cool play. And we're into the dining room. Spider bats are cooking the food. Oh, yeah, they're doing everything now. They're not wearing any hair nets. I noticed that. Is that, um, they got little hairs like everywhere.

That's true, but have you ever eaten a spider-bat hair? I mean, I'm sure there are trace amounts of spider-bat hair and all food. Absolutely. It has a little herbaceous quality to it or herbaceous. Yes, exactly. It's sort of like a... I told you this place was trendy. And source format.

Yes, it's very delicious. That's a little peppery flavors. It's very nice But I'm also noticed they're not wearing any wing nets. That's true. They're on back order Also, they're fucking spider bats. I'm sorry. God read that the door Arnie. They don't have testicle covers. Is that effective food? In the best way possible. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Guys, you know I have a nut allergy.

Oh, ugh. Ugh. You said, are you alright? Holy shit, Arty, that's the best joke you ever made. I know a nut allergy because testicles are some time... I was first I was gonna say, guys, you know I've got a ball allergy and I'm like that's another thing one. It would be called a ballergy Shondashe that's the best joke you've ever done Yeah, yes

That's technology. Oh, man someone get doing the rock Johnson on the line I just got a name for a show for him the greatest tragedy of the show is that Arnold never actually made that joke What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Now you're just trying to rip me off. I need a drink, I'm tired. Yeah, you're a little spent, buddy. Why don't you catch your breath? Let's get you a drink. And then we'll let him rest for a little bit since he's expending a lot of energy. And why don't we take a quick break? Yeah, we'll take a quick break.

I'll leave through this copy of Jane Austen's Pride Pregid. So I'll be right back. Wow, you got into, let's see here at the index. Yeah, pretty far. I see you took some notes, all you wrote was P and P over and over again. Guess this is going to be good, P and P. How I miss Otox's spice to pateos. I miss other timeline Arnie.

Me too. Not allergy. It's been so nice to see Otox again. We really did leave him out there for a very long time. He did, and he's one of my favorite people, and I do so love the million minute award, which we could go back to. He never asked us for many things besides to watch his tavern for him, which we failed to do. Yes. And to keep blemish in his tavern, which then we accidentally stood by while he accidentally killed himself. Kill himself?

We are not responsible. I'm sure all those things will be fine. Yes, for all we know in this alternate timeline, Blemish is dead there too. Yeah, we just don't know about it. Exactly. Can I ask something about how magic works? Of course.

Since this is an alternate timeline, does that mean that Otock definitely did all these things that he definitely went to the woods? Or that's just what would have happened if we set off on the quest. Well considering this is the first time we've encountered him, I assume that everything up to the point where we met him has happened, yes. Damn magic be crazy. Magic be crazy. Magic be crazy! Hashtag biology. Guys this is why I always encourage just to never leave the tabern

because things get hard to figure out. Yes, and let things become hot again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What are we touching? Yes, let things become hot again. Touch the eyes. Oh, the eyes. Yes.

And breathe in. Oh, this is a comfy booth. Yeah, yeah, nice. Is he fine? Can you slide in a little? Can you keep sliding? Yeah, all the way in. Yeah, keep going. I know.

I know. And now he's out. Yeah, I'm off. I'm off. I'm off. Keep sliding. And now he's out. Yeah.

This is fun. Can you use to those new legs? Can I trust the coach? Because there's a whole building inside of my hat. Oh, you should be fine. I mean, they know you're with me Oh, so you came in through that kitchen very good. Hey, can I take your order? Yeah, oh Otta. Hey, yeah CC. These are my friends. These are my gentlemen friends. My name is CC SCE SE My dad named me see saw and I killed them. Oh, oh, James my name the CC Sawed off his head Ironically, huh ironically ironically, isn't that ironic? I said what you think? Yeah, you have to do a little bit you have to hear the whole story to really for the irony

What do you want what's your you stop sliding out of the boo Honey, you keep doing I'm a Well, he just got these legs. I just got these legs. Is that a joke? What is he a clown is he supposed to be a clown? Is that a fuck? He is really a clown. Is he here to use a clown? Is that a fucking clown? He is supposed to be a clown. Is he here to amuse me? Yes, he is here to amuse me. Amuse me.

Chanta amuse him. All right, pick a card in the card, and put it back in the deck. And normal? Now you hit the deck. Ha ha ha! Wonderful trick. You picked a card and he ate the rest.

Pretty good. Pretty good. What do you have in it? I will have whatever the chef's specialty is. O-Talk what you're special today. Well, we've got a, what is a flambade herbaceous potato with a little bit of foam and drizzle. And that's paired with a musty elitius.

A musty elitius? Yeah, that's correct. We also have catcock. Oh! And catcock that was recently just cut off cats earlier this morning. Oh, I was gonna ask, do you have anything that's not potatoes? Go catcock. God, catcock. I'll have the pear stuffed owl.

Okay. Oh, absolutely. Well, thanks for looking at the menu. Very good. You know what, I'm gonna go with the potato. I can't have the catcock because I've got a pussy allergy. I don't know, is that? Is that anyway?

This guy is funny. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm addicted to the response I got to that. Nut allergy joke, man. Wait, what was the nut allergy joke? Oh, can I hear it? You know what? It's not it's funny if I have to tell you it was really an are you you use me thing? Are you clown? I'm not a clown. I'm a serious. Well, I used to have an entertainment podcast Alright, I'll be right back. All right, thanks. He's seen

I like this guy. All right, I'll be right back. All right. Thanks. He's one pair stuffed owl. Yeah, you want the leg of the wing? Potatoes. Oh, it's not the whole owl. No leg of the wing. Go on the wing. I suppose the leg Oh This CC guy is he like a Gentleman or what are they called is he a maid mage? He's a maid mage, too. Also, he never took my order. Challenge. It's a little rude.

You know, it's weird, John. There's so called it. CC, excuse me, come back. I'll be here for a minute. Come here for a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, CC, I just feel like you didn't really get enough one-on-one with one of your customers.

Yes. At that clown It attained you? I also wanted to put it in an order. Oh, I saw me to deck a card. I thought he was satiating. That is a fair assumption to make. Okay. I'll be right. No, no, no, actually. You can come back for a second.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's he actually does want to put it in an order. Can I tell you something? Of course. I'm going to take off my foot and I don't want to alarm you Okay On my foot that you're now holding in your hand. You'll see six toes You know what that six toe to got added means I don't mean I'm a made man Uh-huh. I'm part of the corruption guild. Oh, you know what you're you're also our waiter

So yeah, and also I, we're all made men, right? Tch! Spit, I wanna see the big one spit. What's that? I wanna see the big one spit. He was just spitting on my cheek. I wanna see the big one spit. That's what she said.

Oh, ha ha ha ha. This guy's gold. I don't know how you are in other timelines, but you're fucking hilarious. You know what? I'm thinking about exploring comedy. Get in my foot, bitch. There's your foot. Alright, you guys are alright. Chump, did you want anything to talk about? I gotta go.

Yeah, I can, I can, I want that catcock. Hmm, well, what are you gonna do? You know, there is a comedy night tonight. That's the tunes, aren't you? What? You could really... Is it like a Chump's night? It's very, it's very similar to Chunch Night. It's C.C.'s Night, though. Oh, it feels like a...

I got ripped off! C.C. Yeah, it's C.C.'s Night. Hmm. Oh, Tak, you got to stop letting people do variety nights at your restaurant. It's a popular night. It's a popular night.

People love Chunch Night. Also, I'm a The Owner. Probably that sure is a black furniture. Yeah, sure. Come on, come on. Why don't you do some comedy? You're on fucking Fire Man. I've never seen you be so funny.

It's gotta be in the moment. Well, why don't you store and I come up on stage with you. We'll riff, and then you'll keep, you know, weaving gold. Guys, are we trying to get O-Talk out of here? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, so I've essentially signed a three winters contract with these guys. Three winters contract. They saved my life, they put a

little pressure on me, told me they'd help me with Activia, but I had to be the chef in their kitchen and spittoons for three winters. Can't you just break your contract? Yeah what are the cons? A crazy contract. Well number one someone will saw my cock off. Probably not CC. No, probably not. We've gotten pretty close. Got you. But someone, I mean, it's really like, song is kind of CC's thing.

Well, they might do it if they want to also punish CC. If you're close. Oh, yeah. It's probably not CC. You're making a few. Yeah, CC has to song. Now, have they ever encountered a true wizard? Because I shall break this contract if you're so weak.

Hey, hey, hey, yes. Blue guy. Yes. You need to calm it down. Do I? You are scaring the customers. I stand before the, oh my terrible glory, Let's you look down upon the light in the shadow that I do get

Oh, spin right on me shut the fuck right on me stripping down your beard You said I think he doesn't realize that you're a wizard because you took your hat off. Oh crap. I gotta get my hat Where did you check your hat? Hello, can I help you? Yes, I would like to get my hat out of check. Oh, you'd like to check a hat. No, okay, that will be one gold coin. No, no, no, no. I put my hat on its one gold coin.

I put my hat in check already, and I would like to get it back. I don't remember that. What did the hat look like? It's tall and blue and sort of curly that's you. That's you, you're describing you. No, no, no, no. Tall and blue. Yes, that's true.

But the hat is very similar to the blue. Show them your ticket. Fianyok, show them your ticket. Oh, I would have given you a ticket. Yeah. Of Show him your ticket. Fiann-Yok, show him your ticket. Oh, I- I- a toe of a maid man. He didn't mean to. I just... Well, it was. We're close. We're close. Please step away. He had it me as foot. What was I? I didn't mean to. I just must have grabbed it by accident.

Well, you're gonna have to put it back on him. Well, he's got my ticket. So I suppose I will. He's gonna have to get maid all over again. He's gonna have to be a remade man. I don't count that as a joke. If you're going for something there. The third time it'll be better. You've gone too far, bro.

Now we'll just sit at the table and when he comes over to give us our food, I will slip the toe back what goes and take my ticket in its place. It's what I call the old switcher! Hey, hey, hey, what did I tell you? You need to shut it. Okay. Shut it. Sorry, sit it down No more talking or screaming or frowns

What what do you mean I was presenting poetry from CC's night? Yes, I was before he kills someone. I was so inspired. I just needed to stretch You know, yeah, sometimes people's beautiful artistic words cost me, you know, just want to stretch my body out, down and kind of, God. Why are you unleashing my boot, what is that? Oh, do you remember earlier when you handed me your foot? Yeah.

What a funny thing happened. I accidentally caught one of your toes and I think you got my ticket to the coach check. What? My dough? Yes! You can have it back. Oh no! Not really here.

Oh no, that... That means I'm not a maid, me and anymore. But... But in a moment, you could be... Remade? No, don't steal the third one from me! God damn it! Don't worry, it's pretty funny.

It's pretty funny. You're pretty funny. Thank you, thank you so much. But I've been dishonored. Oh no, I mentioned no dishonor. I just saw myself in half. Oh, Doc, if he would saw himself in half, then he would probably would have sought your cock off.

That's true. Oh no, it's part of my magic act. I saw myself in half. Yeah, it's easy, it's easy tonight, aren't you? That's fine, I said that. You think I'd kill myself? Oh. Spit. I'm gonna see you spit

breathing in What is he doing exactly like a mouse make him stop I hate this make him stop Make him stop our water. You know what guys? I don't think I've drank any water since I've gotten that sounds right now Chant chant also wanted to put it in order while you're here. Yeah, what is he having? Um, I'll have the cacao cacao. Cacao? What did you say? The cacao?

The cacao. Is that what you asked for a badger? Yeah, I went to the cacao. How do you want to prepare? How do you recommend? Um, raw. These two are really hitting it off, I think. They're kind of having a moment.

Yeah, play it. Alright. I'll be right back. Oh, also, this dick it was stuck to my foot. Oh, and this toe was stuck in my penis. No, I'm not. Wait, what? Let's put this together.

Oh, there we go. No, I'm stuck. Mastic. So guys, listen, I don't know if I can last three winters. I mean, my quest to find activity has been put on hold. I have no idea where she is, if she's still okay. And you know what, I gotta say, it's not as important as your family, but since you've been gone, the vermilion miniaturist can't I got a shit?

Yeah, it's really run down and... Man, I mean, I did a lot of things to keep it running well. All right. Name five. Hmm. Get my on blemish. Um, one. Well, he has been on fire. While he thinks I'm going to help you out here. I'm going to burn this place to the ground. That's right! Is your contract invalidated if this place doesn't exist anymore? That's a good point, babe. I'm just worried they're gonna ship me off to another one of their theme restaurants.

They are a chain? What are some of the other themes? Oh, there's... Spittoons? Well, that's the one we're in. Yeah. I'm starting with that. There's, uh... Jackalax. Wait, we can do that when listing things

We can start with the thing that's currently absolutely. It means you're starting your beginning the list of things that happens That changes the game that really does the max like one off of every list. That means on it can do lists of two now. Yeah, it's a rule of two's So do you want me to finish? Well, I was watching. You said to put tunes in what else? I would love to hear more about just the costumes. There's acolytes. There's jackalax. Two. There's bird huggers.

Three. Ooh, you said or. That's okay. There's sandblasters. Mm-hmm. And there's McGangahes, which is just like a, like, just a not really a theme.

Yeah, it's just like, that's a wood. Lots of reclaim things. Exactly. What's a theme? What's a theme? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've noticed that Foon doesn't have like

advanced theme technology. Like, you're still real like beginner on what themes are. Like, like, like, doing pianos? Like, like, doing pianos? Is not a theme, doing pianos? That's what happens at Jackal X E-Colorsh! E-Colorsh! Me! I crum! F-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colors! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colors! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-Colorsh! M-C I'm just letting him know as I send out another fireballs There I've begun a nice place

Entire building Shavia flame and those spider bats aren't wearing nut guards Arnie we gotta go out of the building Arnie we gotta go out of the building Arnie come on we gotta get us but tunes. What are you doing? The nut thing came back a little quick. I think trade. This is the top of here before you burn up. We don't have time for you to think of the response. I have to go to the coach check. No. Not. You again. Do you have a ticket?

I hear. I hear it's my ticket. I thought I'd lost it, but now I have it. And now the places on fire. So can I just get that big blue hat? I can actually see it from here. You can see it up on that shelf right over there. Oh nope nope nope and get it just to the right top hat right here Nope, nope just the right the big tall point. Oh the chef's head is the chef's head No between them to the left of the chef's head right in the middle huge blue wizards hat. Okay, you I mean it's gigantic the leather pants

There's a lot of unclaimed articles there the leather pants? Nah, there's a lot of unclaimed articles here. Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah! Roney, did you die in the fire? I don't know.

It looked like the fire was encroaching on all of us. I don't know if any of us would have gotten out of there. Where the good thing is, I never went there and I never set the place on fire. Yeah. But I'm sure most of the people there died that night in that alternate timeline. Yeah. You know what? Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that we never left on our quest to defeat the Dark Lord a day earlier. Girm died. Two Pimbley Nimble bottoms died. He's the who lost his hat. Yes. I suppose it means that fate is leading us along the correct path, and very soon.

Oh, the machinations I've put in place for decades and centuries shall come to fruition, and I shall defeat the Dark Lord, despite whatever roadblocks we have encountered along the way. But to balance it out, that nut joke is pretty sweet. That was a good joke. So good. So good. Can. Can. Can. Can. Can. Can. Can. Can. good. So good. So good. Can. Can. Can. Can.

Can. Can. Can. Can. Why am I doing this? I do want him to come. Well, you said, I mean, I guess we didn't definitively see that we didn't get out of the restaurant.

Should we? Is there any more power left in the Isis Lidendor? Let us check. One last time, here now, focus and think of that restaurant from that alternate timeline. And breathe in. Look at all these charred catcats. Oh, he recommended raw. They're ruined. This place is destroyed, but somehow the four of us survived. And now, Otock, you are free. Yeah, you're welcome.

We did it. We saved you, Otock. Yeah. Hey, excuse me, excuse me. Hey, are you just spit? I spit. You know, there's just all this action. Oh, that's what I was going to say.

You spit on the ashes of my restaurant. Oh, you spit on the ashes of my restaurant. Oh, oh you spit on the ashes of my restaurant Hey, see come here. Yeah, this is cool. Yo, well, you know, what are you? Yeah, I'm cool. Yeah, that's a name I gave myself He's been spending most his life in the corruption guild. Yeah, what are you idiots doing here burning down my restaurant? Cool. Yeah, I don't know. It was a kitchen accident with the spider bats. Oh, God, I love you. You're disappointing me. You're disappointing me. What's yeah, you see boss boss? The blue one took my toe. What ripped off my toe? That is a sign of disrespect. Cool. Yeah, look. I didn't. I don't need to. Don't leave them alone. Okay. If you want, I'll I'll work at Jackalax or sandblasters or any No, boss make a market the wood theme restaurant make a market would oh

Yeah, yeah, what was the name of that one again? I own it and even I can't remember McGillies, yeah, who cares Locals call it timbers, but I think the official name is... It's like Miguel Hades. But I mean, Miguel Hades. Miguel Hades, that's a stupid name and you're a stupid man. Let's transform into giant Eagles. Let's transform into giant Eagles and fly this idiot out of here. I've got a run.

Come back. Guys, follow me. Please. Don't leave me to die. Wait, if you jump out of their talents the best fighters might catch you Wait, wait don't go I was gonna do something about I've got a wood allergy I thought it was good fuck you Well that on is a lot funny.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got us on fire. I mean, a little bit. I was a little bit on fire. Well, we definitely did not save O-Toc in that alternate timeline. Nope. But is it fair to say that there's a decent chance that he's really at Splatoon's now? Splatoon's.

Splatoon's now? I'm very certain that there is a 98% probability. I'm doing the math magic, and I'd say 98%. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm gonna add it to our list. You know what we should do. If we truly want to return to the familiar Minotaur, we now have something that Activia wants.

Mmmmm. Hashtag Volergy. Two of you at once. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Think, will Bologi get any traction? I'll give it higher odds than Shadja Conkel. Chant the Bifter was played by Adolf Refeier. Usador the Wifter was played by Matt Younger. O'Talk Barleyfoot the long absent half-elf-tavern owner was played by special guest Nick Bear. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Ryan DeGeorgie and Evan Chakover. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Care to follow along with the someday soon book club episode of Pride and Prejudice?

Then go straight to the definitive version, the 2005 film with Kira Knightley, which finally makes sense of Austin's trash fire of run-on sentences and needlessly erotic courtroom scenes. Or, bow to your base instincts and order the original from Amazon via the Hello from the Magic Tavern website. Music, as always, by Ariel Lithuuania, logo by Alor Latrice. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and earwolf. Hey Emperor, did you think the series of bats would turn out to be Tom Blaine? Yeah, he's not around. Holy static, I could take over the bunker right now. Nah, it's so late in the day. Well, revenge notebook. Once again, it's just you and me.