Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 78 - Hunger Ghost Returns

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

Chunt’s dad is back in town for Chunt’s upcoming wedding! CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHugo the Hunger Ghost: Brett LyonsMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Hey Craig, that's Emperor Craig. Oh, okay, Emperor Craig. I finished decoupling all the Heisenberg compensators and I'm running them through the dishwasher now. You're welcome. Uh, I'm sorry Tricia, I'm just kind of stressed out what with being Emperor of the Space Bunker and everything. To be honest, I'm still not totally sure what that means.

I'm just making stuff up over here. It's okay. With all the stresses of life, it can be easy to not totally sure what that means. I'm just making stuff up over here. It's okay. With all the stresses of life, it can be easy to lose perspective on what really matters. That's true. But personally, I believe that life is about being with friends and opening yourself to new experiences. Yeah, I guess. Oh, right. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon! I'm your host Arnie Neekham.

I'm getting married. I'm getting married! Arnie I'm getting married! Chun I'm trying to start the podcast! Oh I'm sorry I'm sorry. Also what? I'm getting married! To move!

You used to have two-cent heart proposed to me! You were right there! I thought that was a joke! No I mean yeah, last week I was a little 30 with Todd but I'm in love with Tussador and he proposed and and I said yes. Oh you said yes? Yes, sorry, keep keep doing your thing, keep doing your thing. I'm gonna dance on a table. Okay, this cup is a hat. Look at him dance. Oh yes, wonderful. Do you catch up to this catch up to be married? Yes, I do. They're

just like me and Tisidork is just kiss kiss kiss. Yeah, come here. I'm going to get these ketchup. So kissing. And the phrase kiss and catch ups. Do you know that phrase? Do you know the phrase kissing catch ups kissing catch ups? It's when you make out with your cousin. Arnie. In the tavern, the verglow. There you go. In the town of Hogsface, in the land of Phoon. No, I think we almost broke him.

Congrats, congrats, chants. You can make me- Did you say congrats? Congrats. Congrats. Did you graduate? I graduated love university by getting married, baby. Congrats. Madadidu do do do do. I graduated love university by getting married, baby! Congrats!

How about I do do do do do do do? Arnie, are you excited for me? Are you happy for me? Yeah, I am happy that you're happy! That's great! Getting married! Oh, big big big big news! I am extremely happy for you and I have in this moment of celebration decided to give thee a beautiful engagement gift

Here is a pure gold goblet for your raspberry Ails and meads. Oh my god. Is it or is this so beautiful now my king's use will be in a gold goblet? Yes, finally We're supposed to kick Arnie You're gonna gold goblet. Yes, finally. Aw. Oh, we are supposed to kick it. Arnie, now I turn towards you because that is what to be expected

for the gift giving. For the gift giving. When somebody gets engaged, I turn your body towards them and they will give you a gift as is tradition. Yeah, I'm very. Tradition. Yes, I'm very excited about your engagement,

which is why I got you this weird axe. Wait, no, gave it already, nope. Gave it already. I reached for where it usually sits on the floor and gave it somebody last week. There's gotta be something good. I know what you can get me. I know what you can get me. You know what you can get me?

What, I have something to ask you to. Arnie, will you be my best man? In your wedding? Yeah. What a strange response! Where else would you need a best man? I don't know! In the pod case? Oh, chunt. Yeah.

We're being unfair. We've never talked about weddings much. Except for that time we had the wedding pattern on. That was a long time ago. Mm-hmm. Ah, honey, how do weddings work on Earth? Uh, well, I mean, you get engaged. Usually, or sometimes you just get married.

And then your daddy's all the wedding cake, gets shut in a throw with an arrow, dies and becomes eternally hungry. Oh, that's right. John, you're dead, died right after he got married. So weddings are a little weird in my family. But, okay, well, yeah, on on earth people get engaged They you know they have little parties and things they they probably spend way too much money They have a lot of anxiety about how much money they're spending on their wedding like is then why do they spend it?

Well, I don't know I mean live within your means, right? I think it's just a combination of expectations and feeling like you have to And then it just kind of snowballs a little bit in the process of it. Snowballs, meaning it becomes something hard and packed that you'd throw? Yeah, I metaphorically. Are you in pain? Are you sure you're all right?

Just, this is a lot to just, I mean, I just find out that Chun's getting married. Yeah, that wasn't a joke What do you think that was like improv everywhere like no, it's isn't the best by I've been on Twitter a lot. Okay. I've been using your phone a lot now And I'm caught up to 2009 here in food. Oh, and someone gets engaged Everyone buys them a series of four gifts. Four? That was the first of a few stores for me. Yes.

And I have a surprise that isn't a surprise because it's my second gift. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here. I got you an abridged pandanomicon. Ah. Whoa. Though I do despise spin-tax with a great fiery fury of a billion suds. Oh, it is a useful book.

Oh, it's a great book. Great read. Have you read it yet, Ernie? Well, I talked to it for a while. We should read it for the book club sometime. Sure, oh, we're doing Pride and Prejudice. We're doing Pride and Prejudice, so if you're out there, get on top of ordering Pride and Prejudice and reading it because we'll be talking about it sometime this year. They're going to do the Bible. They're going to do the, um, maybe we'll do the Panonomic that. Also, Arnie, you, thank you for the second gift you should have. You're just buzzing. I'm just tingling with excitement.

Arnie, you never answered my question. What was your question, you're my best man. I will. Thank you for asking. I, uh, do clarify in my wedding. Yes, in question to you, my best man? I will. Thank you for asking. I uh, do you best to clarify in my wedding? Yes, in your wedding, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. Oh, buddy!

I'm happy for you. I'm glad you're so happy. It'll be fun. It'll be fun, right? What do I have to do as best man? I'm just realizing I don't know what that means on this world. What does a best man do? Oh God, what have I agreed to?

Well, of course, you have to stand next to the groom on the wedding damn you have to slaughter the biggest cow in town oh yes you have to slaughter the biggest cow in town on the night before the wedding because that's when you have a large cow feast it's called the wedding cow feast that's where the phrase cow feast comes from. You also have to put on a puppet show for the graveyard. Mmm. Probably a morality play. Yes. Teach those cops as a fucking lesson.

How long do I have to stand? Oh, dirt for the whole ceremony. The whole ceremony? Yes. Why are you blocking this bag, big guy? No, no, no. We can get you a chair. Hey, we'll get you a chair I'm in

I don't I don't he seems like you're not enthused about this. No, I am I really I really am I am very excited about it I'm you know what I'm making a decision right now to be positive about it I'm going to be positive for the way that's a that's a switch you can flip where's up in? You're making a choice to be positive. I'm making a choice to be positive from this day forward unless it's something we recorded before this I'll take it. That's that's your gift to me, Arnie. The one before that was a gift. Yeah. Oh, and also Take this toboggan from the wall. Oh, you know, I like that toboggan That's a pretty good second gift.

Well, but it pales in comparison to my third gift. For I am gifting unto you, my very own horse chowed. Oh, now I have two horses. I bought a horse the other day. Oh. It's called a dumpster. Come dumpster! No. Here's a... called a dumpster. Come dumpster! No.

Here's a... here's dumpster. John, have you started... doing any preparation for the Stanley? I don't even know like how long do engagements last in Fune? Um, they usually last for as many months as the couple has been in love. Um, so yeah. So yeah. So this will be a relatively quick one. Or you can also draw a random number out of a hat.

You can also do that. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have a question for you. Of course. Would you officiate my wedding? Of course I will. I shopped on such a spectacle.

The world has never seen. I, there shall be fireworks and explode We actually I'm sorry. We're see one thing pretty quiet. We just want us to be pretty quiet quiet. Yeah, it's the order to do it Well, let me see. Oh shit. Oh, that'll be quieter. Oh, yes, I suppose. Uh, yes, we could do Perhaps I shall start by telling the story of How food came to be for in the very beginning, there was nothing and everything at once. And they shall be so captivated for hours on end as I describe every element and creature coming into being so that I could finally explain the full extent of your love.

Sounds like you're making it a lot about you. Oh, um, well, we'll work out the details like that. Okay, but thank you. Hold on, thank you. That can be your fourth gift to me. Oh, wonderful. Although, oh, it's got a little cold in here. Did you have a, did you already have a fourth gift?

I, I, I, because you know, I wasn't, you didn't think I was going to ask you, right? No, I didn't know that. I already did have a fourth gift. Did you have a fourth gift? I, because you knew I wasn't, you didn't think I was gonna ask you, right? No, I didn't know that. I already did have a fourth gift. Did you have a fourth gift? It's who? You, you son of, who's that coming through the door? Oh, you got him? I got him. This is for a bushel of arrows.

Dad, oh my daddy, my puppy. You used it, or? Yes. Thank you. Your father. My son. Best gift I could ever have. Let me, well, I just walked right through you. Let's, yeah, just, oh. I could feel best gift I could ever have that let me well

I just walked right through you. Let's yeah, just I could feel it. I could feel it. I could feel it. How are you? I'm good. How are you I'm hungry? Well happy to see you hungry side. Yeah. Oh, yes, oh No, do you remember how you go? The hunger goes Hugo. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Arnie We met it's been a couple of years. I write him letters about you. Yeah, I remember oh, no, no, I remember you You're you can't forget a face like that. Yeah, you're hot to at night when you sleep Wow, and I don't sleep and it's a ghost thing that it's a rock Wow, thing I didn't know ghosts could be haunted. Oh yes! Yes! Oh! Other ghosts haunt me! Oh!

What's like a nesting doll? Yeah, a little bit like that. Ooh! Ghosts that are assaciated haunt! Hunger ghosts! Ooh! Terrible! How am I supposed to say that?

Ooh! Is there a specific ghost that's haunting you, Dad? Merl! Merl! Oh, the Hagrid old ghost? Yes! He is a Hagrid old ghost That's all I know about Merle. Yeah, he doesn't say a lot. He just shows up every once in a while

Yeah, I feel like in old Well, Trent I wanted you to have this time together with your father, so I asked him to come here to help celebrate your engagement Sure, you don't make the same mistakes I made. Yeah, I won't... Step to the left when the 40th arrow goes straight down the middle. Yeah, and maybe I'll have... So I won't have like DQ there, because he's pretty bad at arrows, right?

Yeah, so maybe I'll find like a competent elf, maybe a competent wood elf to shoot the arrows, just so I'm safe. I'm also... I plan to be a badger for a while. Yes. So I should be short enough that that won't be good. Also eat beforehand. Oh, good advice.

That's why I needed my dad here. He's for that kind of a wedding advice. Are you happy about it? You know who I'm airing? Who? A wizard, Tussador. And look, I have a certificate of wizardry right here. Wow. A certificate of he is. Yeah, I have a certificate of wizardry right here. Wow.

A certificate of wizardry. He keeps this in his death drawer. It's a certificate of wizardry. It says right here, I hear certify that and then he wrote in the word Tussador, and an actual wizard. Wait, he created a certificate with a blank space that he then filled in. I don't know, is mine works. I mean, I don't either. As far as bees. Is that some sort of royal thing? When you get a certificate, is that something that a queen or a king has to bestow upon you? Normally it is.

Yeah, in Foon, if someone has a certificate, they have definitely been knighted. So there are at least some sort of royalty, usually a knight or above, or old Duke, you know? OK. But yeah, he made this. He is a wizard. so know that, his crotch is made of bees, and he's just a really relaxed chill dude. I mean, he's really sweet to me.

He is real quick, real quick, I'm so sorry. He is married, he does have a wife, her name is Madeline if I remember correctly. So that's that, what were you to say to him? If you have sex with him this is crotch die We haven't had sex yet. We've talked about that we want to save that for a special time A few of his bees have stung the inside of my mouth and then they do die and I that's rough TMI Deja Vu this is just like when I told my dad. I was getting married I Deja Vu, this is just like when I told my dad I was getting married

You also told your dad that You had been stung many times in the mouth Well, you know, I think it's traditional when you tell a parent that you're getting married That one of the first things you talk about is what your your partners genitals are made out of yes I mean it makes sense you want to know a person intimately. Just get it out of the way. Absolutely. Yeah, before you meet them heads up, gentlemen. Howdy-why is your mouth so numb? I brought our girl. It makes sense. It makes sense. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I think we might have glossed over something there. To Stor stores already married Yeah, he I had forgotten about that a lot of people did, but it's can and How was that going to work? Yeah, how do you feel about it? You know, I feel okay I mean he's a very open individual, you know, he's very Polyamorous and I don't think it's illegal to be married to a woman and also a Shake shifter. Yeah, it's just big love baby. Yeah So are you gonna be in like a Marriage with this woman as well. Well, I'm not married to her and also, you know

I'm not in love with her so I'm married to Tussador. She's married to Tussador and that's that you could really just Fuck with him though because if you had sex with her Well, I don't you would turn into her and Then he would be very confused as the who he was having it would be like a Friday it would be like freaky fried. Oh, yeah every third Vich Tosh there is a freaky Friday where if you stand in a fountain, you switch bodies. Any fountain? Any fountain? Any fountain? Yeah. Usually one of the the low hand fountains, the lower down, yeah, the lower hanging fountains,

or the foster fountains, it depends if you go to the old original fountain, or the rebooted low hand fountain. I feel like that that low hand fountain is not working anymore. Not anymore. I was gonna say, I was thinking it was the old mill, but you know what, I think I was just thinking of a trap. I was thinking of some trap. Well, my parent is talking, so, let's check. Yeah, probably, probably, so.

I tell you what, have you guys noticed how great Foon has been recently? I know. I feel like it's been fantastic. It's been worth. I feel like it's taken a toll for the worst. No way, no way. Damn it, Dad. Don't.

I feel like food is great again. I don't know. I don't think we really want to get into this. I just say that. Walk it around. People just eat. Yeah, less potatoes. Yeah, less potatoes. Yeah, that's the thing to eat. Yeah, that's fine with me. But I just say that walk it around people you just eat that less the potatoes. Yeah, let's just eat. Yeah, okay

That's yeah, that's fine with me, but I just some mozzarella spheres I love those mozzarella spheres. Oh, it's a party in your mouth Yeah, enjoy those. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Rooster foot scampi is something for everyone I'm thinking of a party in your mouth. Do you sir? Would you mind if we held the wedding in your hat? Well, it would really save us some money. And we're trying to live within our means because we're not earth humans. Yes, I suppose that can be my fifth gift to you

to allow you to use my hat as your venue. We're here to see our gifts. Even though I usually charge an exorbitant fee to have people put on a wedding in my hat. But I can use it. Yes, you can use it, of course, if you're gonna shut. Oh, damn Daniel, did I use that right, Arnie? I think so.

Finally, a good opportunity where you use a wizard's hat and it's not for protection. Finally, finally. Yes. Finally, usually I always say, put a wizard's hat on it for protection. Yeah, he's all about safety. Safety first. He just says the young kid he was putting a wizard's hat on it for protection. Yeah, he's all about safety First is as a young kid who's put a wizard's hat on me just so you know did the right thing?

Dad um our whole family talks about Dix a lot What are you talking about? It's just a very why did I haven't mentioned it once? We just put a wizard's hat on so yeah, you put a wizard's hat on it And you always make sure you clean the wizard's sleeve as well I'm I'm gonna say what the local Tanner says how rude. Oh, how rude. Okay. Sorry. I totally miss route that my pal We're a very open family very loving fit. I mean dad. I do want to check in are you Comfortable with me marrying a legit full on wizard. Yeah, I've certified a certified wizard. I mean, he made this certification himself. He's not a wizard.

I don't see any issues with it though, I mean. Because sometimes I don't wanna get into this now. Sometimes that my dad will be like, you know, like wizards, like they're a little too, you know, they're a little liberal with that magic, like they're just kind of, they're changing things really rapidly. Like we don't need all that, you know, change so fast.

Well sure, I could change that candle into a feather. Don't do it in front. And then that feather into a mouse, and then that mouse into a trap for a mouse, and then that mouse trap into a set of bongo drums. Wait, leave that mouse trap. Now make that potato a man jumping into a bathtub. Okay. Okay, and then jumping into a bathtub. Okay.

Okay. And then make that a marble. Okay. Make the ketchup smear each other. Yeah, make sure it's your mouth. And then push that marble. And I'll pronounce you man and wife. No, look at the marble, go.

Dad, are you okay with all that wizardry? Yeah, no, that's okay. I think times are changing when I was growing up before I died. We didn't have as many wizards, and then more of them came along, and you know, that's okay. That's okay. That means a lot to me, Dad. I want you to love Tussle Dorg. That's right. I just, as long as the wizards are coming here legally, I've got no problem. Of course we come here legally. I was born into this world from like conspiracy of bird and rain and

second spirits. Fire and frogs and mud that did say there must be a champion here in food so I did step forth fully formed into this world. Yeah as long as you have your certificate I have no problem. There's no certificate involved. Spintaks has a screen card. That's true. That's true. That's fine. I know that. Cardio always pulls out. Oh yeah. I have my blue card. Oh there you go.

Show me your blue card. Yeah, let's see. There you go. Okay, very good. Very good. Let's just say when Wizards were coming here originally, you weren't sending your best. Okay, alright, let's not do that. Let's not talk about that. The fuck does that mean best? Hey, this is all I'm saying, because it's not even better.

It used to do it. It even one of my best friends. What are you doing? Let's get some drinks. I want some drinks. No, I don't know drinks are bad. I don't want to add alcohol to this, I don't think. Okay. You might not realize this, because I don't think this really happens on Earth, but sometimes

when someone becomes a ghost, you know, they hit a certain age, they sort of lock down in their way. It's like after you die, you sort of stop evolving as a person. You sort of stop evolving after you die, yeah. I see. What were you talking about? I turned myself off for a second.

Oh, I was just whispering to Ani about love. Oh, okay, very good. Yeah, we're just talking about love. Very calm, nice today. And I was just asking Annie about the other three gifts he had to complete the four. Oh, let me turn my body towards you, is that is a tradition?

Oh. And checking to see what my second gift of four is. Well, you guys all go into the dark load parade next month. No, no, absolutely not. Unless it is to protest against it or shut it down or to shoot a fireball at it Well my second could be floats and things like of that nature I heard Pretty entertaining my second gift. I'm gonna pull it down off of this wall is

The license plate from my Camry. Oh, oh this is his thirst gift He also gave you the toboggan. Yeah, I guess, I guess in my head, I didn't count that because it was just on the wall, but, uh, two things from the wall and then one thing that was a verbal contract. Yeah. What is your license plate from the Camry say? Oh, well, you know, when I had a vanity plate, it cost a little bit extra. So, my look at this, huh? You make fun of me and my dad for talking about nasty stuff. Look what this says. It says land, a land of links colon,

you nasty. Land of link colon. Land of Lincoln. Oh. I assumed it was a A-hole because your name is Arnie and you fell into a hole to get here. Ha ha.

Damn. Damn Daniel. Ha ha. Damn. Damn, Daniel. Damn, Daniel. Damn, Daniel. No, what? Oh, god, this is spreading too much. No, my vanity plate says X-Tant, because I'm a big fan of X-Tant, and I'm excited about those, too.

I thought I said Land of Link Cole in X-Taint, but you're right. It says Land of Link in X-Tant. I'll give you that. He would know what his X-Taint was because he would feel it in his mouth. Well look X-Tant was taken so the closest I could get was X-Taint. People don't say X-Taint. People know what it means. People, when you see a license plate on my world in Chicago, you see a license plate that says X-Taint, you know that what that means is it's shorthand for X-Taint, the TV show. May I address the listeners directly for a moment?

People of Earth, please. Send Arnold some news about the television program X-Taint. If I have to hear about this fucking thing for another second, I'm going to lose my wizard mind. By now it must be in its third or fourth season. Just tell him what's going on with it. Please. Listers also, if you could email me at chontaggmail.com that's chont with six teas, email me extant scripts. So if you have what they're saying in the scenes, email that to us and maybe we can do like a reading. Yes, if you are a writer for that show, send us a script. And if you're not a writer of the show, I suppose you could speculate about what would be in a script and write your own.

Also, people of Earth, if you have the license plate extant, what are you doing? Give Arnie that license plate. Send it to me. Yeah. Send it to Arnie through the portal behind that Burger King. Or send my son photos of your ex-boyfriend, a girlfriend. But you know, the photo down there. No, no, no, no, no. Dad, well, he's talking about when you die in food and your hunger goes to demon takes a picture of your crotch.

Remember, last time he was on... That's true. I forgot about that. I just want to make sure he's not being biased. I just want to make sure the demon's not being biased. Size-wise, so I just want to see, you know, how I compare it to the other hunkers. Yeah, let's go around the circle and just say what we're packing. Arning, hmm, what?

What's your packing? I'm packing this commercial break. I'm packing this commercial break. So Hugo, it's been so long like are you still just as hungry as you were before? Yeah, it doesn't, um, it doesn't go away. Once a hunger ghost always a hunger ghost. Once a hunger ghost, yeah, yeah, because you know the, you know, the remedy he was never there. Oh. It's never going to be found, so unless someone figures that out.

Use doors, Ernie, magic to reverse the curse? Well, ghosts are naturally occurring phenomenon, and if this one happens to be Hungary, or there's a group of ghosts that haven't been hungry, there's a very little that can be done about that unfortunate. Can you just make it so I can go through doors without using the handle? Oh, yeah, I can do that. I just want some some cool ghost. That is pretty demeaning.

That my dad has to use a handle to open a door. Unbelievable. It's really demeaning. It's unbelievable. You can't really make a good exit. If he ghosts, it's pretty like pretty good. And you know I leave. Yeah.

Because it's not scary to be a door. Oh, excuse me. Is this in? And then someone's like, push. And you're like, well, I'm trying to, yeah Um, it's been pretty good since the last time he saw me, I went to rehab Oh, a little bit, yeah Oh, dad, I didn't know that Yeah, I was hooked on tingle pretty hard, so I had to get off of it, yeah

Now, if I, I have a whole raspberry pie here If I murder this pie, can you eat its ghost? Yes. I'm gonna murder this raspberry pie. How do you murder a raspberry pie? By eating it. Oh, and now it's soul floats towards me. Oh wow.

It's like eating liver with phylobe. I always thought a food ghost was poop. What? I think I've just been eating shit all the time? Land of Link colon, ex-taint, food ghost being poop. You're making fun of my dad and I for talking about bodies? Yes. I guess I would talk. Is it my talking bodies?

I got a good one. So put it on me My dad loves jokes my dad's got the best jokes. That's a suffice How about we play since my dad's here and it it it is tradition How about we play a round of dragons talent. Oh, that's what we do less than you see here It's fun to go around and give some people some compliments already know that a sub-roll of Dragons' talent is that you can swamp out a compliment for a gift.

So if you have another wedding gift for me, know that you can swap that out. Let me start. You used to door, oh, buddy, baby, I just want to let you know. You've brightened my day. I mean, this goblet, the fact that you got me another horse now I have two horses Which reminds me Arnie, I got you a horse while I picked up dumpster. Oh, I don't need a your your horse's name

If you want to give him a call is on field of noise You want to give him a call? Nope You don't want to call the horse his name is on field of noise. No, don't need to leave you kind of fun Maybe later maybe free fun call a horse All the horse? His name is on field of noise? No, no need to. It may be kind of fun. Uh, maybe later. It may be pretty fun. Call the horse. Come on.

I'm not gonna do it. Um, but I just wanted to thank you for all the gifts you've given me. They're all incredibly thoughtful and, you know, my dad, the most thoughtful of all. You're very welcome. And thank you for, you know, just always being there for me and being happy for me. I'm very happy for you. That's right. Is your dad got me any gifts?

I mean, he's a ghost. The gift of my presence is all that's needed. Well, the gift of your presence is the gift that you said are gave. Yeah, I understand that, but I didn't know coming in, so I'll give them something close to each other, take. Dad, a gift you could give me is if you do a reading at my wedding. Oh, yes, I will. But something...

I could read something from the DL. The DL? Dark Lord. No, I don't. I don't. He just... He does have some interesting things that relate to men and... I don't want any readings from his books.

It is there, wedding, and they should have the sort of ceremony that they want, not the sort of ceremony that you want. I'm sorry. Hugo, but I feel we both, I feel we just have to also work together too. Yeah, we want to, yes, yes. You're not going to read from any of this books. You're not going to read from the art of DL, any of those, okay? Okay, well.

But thank you, that's, Dad, thank you for- Maybe I'll improvise something off the couch. Oh no, I don't know. I don't know off the phone. Oh, no, I don't know. You're gonna be a bad. Maybe. Yes. Really bad. I know that.

No, that give me a, let's say give me a suggestion to something to do with the wedding and suggestion inside a wizard's hat. Um, how did we get inside this wizard's hat? He just repeated the suggested with a question. That's how you do it. I don't think that's how you Improvise. Yes, 100% set himself up here.

Continually ago. Why are we in this wizard's hat? This isn't a wizard's hat. This is a treat. Well, now he denied the place that it was. He denied himself. You are right the first time. He know but it. I have no but the demon took it along with my penis. Oh no. Yeah, that's right, Sam. Mm-hmm. What can you do? Can I track down this demon for you?

No. He does his unlisted number. What's it? Do we know his name? Tom. Did you know all the demons are numbered? I didn't. And there's a list of them you can go look up.

No. I go through that list and I whenever I smite a demon I go, ha, I got number one thousand and eighty four I've got a couple of his numbers, but I can't figure out all yeah, he's 867 530 and I can't figure out the last 69 I can't figure out the last one. I got him. I'll get him So if you if you track down one of these demons, or like, how did you get my number? I'm on list it. Take me off that list.

Yeah, he could easily just block my call if he wants to do it. But don't forget, as you learn with Tom the Traveler, if you 69 someone underneath a star, then you can trace the call. Oh, remember that? Is this a clip, Shell? Dad, thank you so much. Thank you for being willing to take my happiness

into account. Thank you for being adaptable and malleable. And thank you for, you're, for forward thinking. I appreciate it. No problem. That's my compliment to you. Morning. But I'm, I'm curious.

Obviously, I assume you don't want to need dark lord literature in your wedding, but... What kind of reading do you want your dad to do at your wedding? I just want to point out to it in the middle of a game in Dragon's Town, and if we don't pick up the pace, we're gonna be here all fucking night. You said I'm trying not to play Dragon's Town. You have to, we already saw it, it's too late. Just because you talk through your teeth doesn't mean I can't hear you.

Oh, yeah. Let me pull out some of your teeth. No, no, no, no, all right here I have a gift for you John. Oh It's your father. He's here for your wet. Oh So thoughtful. I think you that's that's the fourth kid and Yeah All right, I'm gonna go. Um, let's let's call off the game. Um, I'm, I'm just, uh, garbage drink at the, I'm just take this golden, this golden goblet. Yeah, welcome. And I'm

gonna go garbage. So, now, wait, chant just gave us all a very nice compliment, a call off the game of Dragon's Talon. I think it would be very good if both of you took an interest in what he wants for this wedding I think you've been a little reticent and I think you've been pushing your own agenda. Let's know. That's not true whatsoever. Well, I think it is true and I want you like I have since I shall be Master of ceremonies I shall perform ceremony to their likes and their tastes and I will stand for as much of the ceremony as I can. Muster some excitement. I am excited! I am excited! It's a little bit curious!

Say something nice to him when he gets back here. And you have to stand the whole ceremony. Don't disrespect the ceremony by standing or taking a knee. You better stand the entire time. No, no. If he really has a reason to take some sort of stand against the wedding, he should be able to take a knee. No, I'm sure, yes, I'm sure.

That's completely reached. That's an issue with me, you better be standing that entire time. No, no, no. Oh my best. Oh man, back here. Hey, I just want to apologize. I think maybe I'm coming off as a bit of a shapezilla So I just want to have a good wedding and I don't I don't want to upset anyone if I upset anyone I'm sorry and I just wanted to say that because it just feels like there's a weirdness in the room

Oh, John and if it's coming for me I just want to apologize because I'm just really happy right now And I just want to feel like people are happy for me and I doesn't feel like, you know, you guys are my support group and it doesn't feel like. Let me give you a big squeeze, you little bifter. It's gonna be alright and we're here for you. No matter what you want, you understand? Thanks, Blue Guy.

You got it. And I love you, Chad. I love you. You're my best friend in this world. You're my best friend. Into my best man. And I'm very... Thank you so much for asking me to be your best man. Thank you for being my best man That's that's four gifts in total. That's a hundred gifts. That's the moon in the stars. Yeah, you know, I've never been anyone's best man before. Oh, well Hmm Mommy

Maybe I'll go with someone else. No, no, no, no, I think you're no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no He's a commanding presence and hey listen if you want to kill you know a more medium cow That's fine. You don't have to kill the biggest cow in the village I have to kill cow and if you want the puppet show on the graveyard to be during the day That's fine as well. I don't I don't you be spooked. Well, no, I'm into the puppet show on the graveyard That's the part I'm mostly for to it. You are It's pretty good. They're pretty good. Do you know what you're gonna do? I've seen some ones in the past and they're pretty entertaining. What are some of the health shows you've seen, Dad?

There's been a couple here and there. It's been weddings every once in a while. A man did a complete... he had sticks on his fingers and he shined a light against the back of some gravestones. A little shadow puppet. That was pretty good. That was enjoyable. Spooky. Spooky. Spooky. How are you?

What are you going to do? Well, you know what? I think I'm probably going to do as much as I can remember of four weddings in a funeral. But you know what, I'll probably cut the funeral part out because that's depressing. Who do four funerals and one wedding? Four funerals and one wedding. Am I wedding? Yeah. Thanks buddy. You're a great best man.

You're a great best man. You're not the best man, but you know what, I was just trying to... Hey, oh, can I ask a question? Yeah. If we get back to earth and I come with you, which I'd like. Yeah. Can you get remarried and I'll be your best man Oh, and I'll conduct the ceremony. Can you imagine how fun that would be? Yeah, I mean I would have to talk it over with my wife 12 hours What what was that? inappropriate that is sound like you to check it with your wife. What are you doing? What are you talking about? That's an outdated? That's just inappropriate. That is sound like you're in a check-in with your wife. Dad, what are you doing?

What are you talking about? That's an outdated idea. It's outdated. Disagree. This ceremony would be seven to twelve hours. And every single hour would be a little louder than the last. And I would describe every single moment of knowing Arnie describing every pore upon his face.

For I often night will stare closely at his face, examining every bit of portion of it. And I have almost perfectly memorized every single tiny molecule of his body. That's a big thing in foolish weddings is for it to start soft and get louder. So a lot of times if you're walking by a building and you hear a little bit louder now,

a little bit louder now, you know that a wedding song is definitely a wedding because the person who's officiating is getting louder and louder and louder until they, hey, wait, things, and then you know what happened to a wedding. Dad, are you on that shit right now? What are you talking about? You did it. Oh no. You're on ting. When you're on ting, you're like, woo! And you said, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Fuck you, Murrow, get outta here. I'm full. All right, you know what? I'm full. OK, all right.

Let me ask you guys a question. Have you seen the Dark Lord attacks for tens? God damn it. No, no. Get out of here with that nonsense. Chant, yeah, buddy. Thank you for I'm going to take it very seriously being your best man.

And I don't know really entirely what it means to be a best man in a wedding on FUN, but on my world, if you're the best man, you're there to look out for the person getting married. So I'm gonna look out for you, if you need something, I'm gonna make sure it's easier, and it's what you want, because I can tell already,

this, everything's surrounding this wedding, it's gonna be a real shit show. But I'm gonna be there for you. Okay, also know that's huge. Thank you. Thank you big guy Another big part of being the best man is you have to you know get to know and love the person that's getting married to your friend Right and then also play my bachelor party. Oh, I could do that what you're doing a puppet graveyard and a shit show And you also have to play my badger party. Your badger party? Is that like a...

If a badger is getting married, which currently I'm in a badger state, do you have a badger party? Your last night is a badger, hmmm. And you're exactly right, it's the same thing here on Foon. It's all about protecting and taking care of that person who is getting married. Because everyone has exactly one week to murder them. Speaking of murder, you'll never guess the last digit.

Oh, and the... Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Tommins! Seven, five, three, oh no Tom get out of here Man I'm awful

Are you haunted by a satisfied ghost? Yes, Murrell, satiate. Oh satiate. Yeah, Murrell. He's a Hagrid ghost. Well, I'm gonna get out of here. Come on fill the noise That's my horse! I suppose it goes without saying the satisfied ghost has never come across this audio recording. Emperor Craig! The Lackie is making snarky observations instead of working. Again! Hey, snitches get stitches. That's right, I'm gonna make you in broider.

Uh, if you have time to lean, you have time to clean, in turn. Go do the credits. Well, if I can spare the airwaves from Trisha's new Epcot Pavilion, journey into vocal fry, so be it. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adel Raffaie. Hugo the Hunger Ghost was played by special guest Breath Lions. Check out Breath in World News Tonight every Saturday at Chicago's I-O Theatre and Deep

Shwa every Sunday. Come to think of it, everyone in this episode has been on World News Tonight. It's just nice that straight white men get a chance to tell their story. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacover and Ryan DeGeorgie. This one edited by Chris Rathgeon. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBam. Additional audio effects by Jason Knox. Production assistance by Garrett Schultz.

Visit us at helloforthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago Podcast co-op and Earwolf. Remember, send those extant updates and scripts to OpenGutter near the landfill, 144 too much free time boulevard. Go outsideville, color right now, zip code ZZZZED. Aught. End transmission. you