Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 81 - Squire

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

Usidore and Chunt invite in Stick the Squire to apprentice under Arnie, in case anything ever happens to him. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungStick the Squire: Felix TrenchCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey there, Craig here. Nothing to worry about, but we're experiencing some slight phasal shifts here on the bunker. Good chunk of the alabaster room just disappeared, and decks 4 through 9 are growing screaming crystals. But as Emperor, I've delegated all that to Trisha, the mysterious intern. Now, I'm going to push a few buttons and hope everything fixes itself. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arne and E. Camp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know about 3.5 plus years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern. Oh, here in my favorite tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, the although I'm sorry, chunted. Yeah. Activia changed the name of the tavern and I think we promised to keep calling at that But for the life of me I can never remember the acronym. Oh boy. I think it was Adelbees

That doesn't make any sense to me. Really? I mean, that's the one that I like the best. Yeah, I'm was it think think Thank thank thank goddesses. It's Thank thank Yeah, I'm... Was it think-think-thing-thing? Think goddesses, it's food? Think-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing-thing The order of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarracus. The elves know me as Fying Yalek. The dwarves know me as shown in his stungies, and I am known in the North East as gasmaniac may star, and there may be other secret names so powerful that if I were to be out after them allowed, most assuredly your eyeballs would turn into liquid, drip from nine eyes as eyeball eyeball tears, and these tears would then go and start a new society.

Arnie, what's the difference between tears and eyeball tears? That seems very similar. I don't know that Arnold will have an answer to this question, but I can answer it very clearly. Well, I think tears that come out of your eyes with water. Tears is an eyeball. Oh, regular tears. But an eyeball. Your eyeball is a tear. Churned into eyes with water is an eyeball regular tears, but an eyeball is always liquid. That's an eyeball tear. Oh gross. What's the more?

When the moon hits your eye like an eyeball tear. All right, how you doing, bud? I'm doing great To sword I are getting things together things together, you know planning the wedding and No, no, no, not yet saving we're saving, planning the wedding and such. Okay, now the next thing. No, no, no, no, not yet. Saving, we're saving ourselves for the wedding month. For the wedding month, you're saving. You don't have a honeymoon? No, I'm very excited to hear about the honeymoon. Yeah. You pour yourself with honey all over. And then for a month, you just stick together.

Really? Literally and figuratively. Wow. And just food. No. In honeyatively. Wow, and just food. Yeah, and honey? I mean, what a waste of good honey. Well, you don't know how he use it. But we're picking out flowers, we're picking out arrangements. We have to pick out millipedes. What are the millipedes for?

When you get married in Fune, the bride and groom or the groom and groom or the bride and bride feed each other millipedes. And that's a signifier of how committed you are because we have something in food called fear factor which is when you're about to commit to a relationship forever you get fearful. Oh sure. You get anxiety and you're like I don't know if I want to do this I don't know if I want to settle down. So to prove you can overcome that fear you usually eat millipedes or something gross.

Oh Rogan. What? No I I meant, oh no, not again. Also, Tusson and I were talking, and we were curious Arnie, if you would, uh, stand at our wedding. I mean, I know you're best man, but would you mind standing at our wedding? Oh, I have to stand too. Ugh. We're just worried that you're going to find a nice comfy seat. How long of a, like on Earth,

wedding ceremonies can last, a wide range of different times on earth, wedding ceremonies can last a wide range of different times. Like, will your ceremony be long or short? Ooh, boy, that's hard to tell. Um, I mean, I guess... Could it fit within the length of a podcast? Yeah, I think so. Okay, that's good.

And you sure, are you gonna officiate still? Yes, I'm happy to do so, and I shall make the longest wedding ceremony that has ever existed. This is my promise unto thee. You said, or have you ever officiated wedding ceremony before? Well, of course I have officiated many events in my days here upon food, and it's always an honor to see two young people coming together, or two old people, and they can then find a way to build a life together, regardless of their age or gender, or the proclivity is.

And now also Arnold, what's some earth tradition? Sorry, earth traditions just in general, well, you step on a crack for weddings. Oh, for weddings? Wait, I wanna hear what happens when you step on a crack. You break your mother's back. What? I know.

What a terrible question. Why would anybody ever step on a crack? You don't, you don't want to. That's the whole point of it is that if you step on a crack, you break your mother's back, you try to avoid cracks. But, people, forget. Listen to you, Siddharth, now. Watch, Erie, step the thoudest take,

for if you do step upon some crack and are the cause of thine own mother's spine to be snapped in twain, then surely you shall face the wrath of a wizard. Crack kills. Oh, wow. I was gonna make that joke. Or what?

Nothing. So, what are some wedding traditions on earth? What was your wedding like? Oh, my wedding was great. I'm trying to think of like what traditions we have. Well, like on earth, sometimes when you're leaving the chapel or the place where you're getting married, people will throw rice at you.

What's a waste of rice? I know. It is. I think people stop doing that because they say that birds eat the rice and then explode. And explode. I love birds. I know you do.

But I think that might just be a myth. That's on Fum too. Oh, it's on Fum too. But that's magic to rice. Oh, so you throw magic to rice at people? Yeah, and they eat it, they explode. Well, yes, I mean, if you're inchant rice to make people explode, that's just fun. My uncle then had that happen to him.

And after he died, did you have a great sense of responsibility? I did. I don't want to talk about that origin story. Now, you don't have a honey month. What do you do after you're ready? Well, it really depends. Sometimes people have a honey moon. And you pour honey over a moon? No, you pour money into a weekend. Do you put moons over my hammy? Over my hammy?

So what do you do with the honey? It's metaphorical. Well then why do you think we are wasting honey? You silly old bear? You are a silly old bear. Guys, I don't know what the fuck we're talking about anymore. I don't know. Normally, I feel like normally we're so coherent

and I can really just totally track what we're talking about. But maybe I don't know if I, normally, I feel like normally we're so coherent and I can really just totally track what we're talking about, but maybe I don't know if I'm not getting enough sleep. That actually brings me to something you said, or I have been talking about. And I don't want you to get upset, okay? Can you promise me you won't get upset? No, I'm guessing you're suggesting I need some kind of magical CPAP.

At what? No, I've never mind. Tishmere in your self? What I wanted to say is you started and I have been talking. And you know, the last three and some months, three and a half years, and a half years, and yeah. Three years? Since you've been here, it's been really wonderful.

And the show has been really fun to do. How was the most part? How has it been before I was here? Well, we didn't have a show. Okay. I mean there's Since you've been here, there's been 20 good ups. 20 But I've been name them Name the 20 good ones we should compile this so people don't have to waste their time That's it once it's only one oh

Fizzle Von Pizzle which oh that I love it That's that's the best one those are the best one and what I want to say is that you know We've been talking and no offense against you, but you know You're not gonna be here forever. You're either gonna find your way back to earth. Yes. Absolutely well You might die. I mean there's so many dangers and terrors about at any given night So we wanted to kind of cover right well, there's so many dangers and terrors about at any given night, so we wanted to kind of cover right? Well, that's true, but something might creep into your bedroom, you know, what is that thing? Yeah, that's do it all the time You creep into my bedroom. We stood over you and watch you sleep. Oh, no, but we thought you know, we just protect me sure sure

We thought to cover our bases. So what we've done is we brought in someone who in case Got us is forbid anything happens to you. We have a backup host Back up host? Yeah, because if it's just you store and I then it's just getting nuts Just getting nuts. We'll make sure we have a contingency plan where you know we still have a host for a whole over the matter So you have different hosts and different area codes? Ah, I gotta walk away from the table for a minute. You said, or what if you and Jumpin' cookin' up behind my back? Well, there just must be contingency plans.

I, as a great wizard, have always had other plans in motion. Many ways that we could possibly defeat the Dark Lord and in much the same way way there are many contingency plans You don't know who I have set up to replace chump. Oh, oh, I would look we can talk about that later So here is my friend. He's been waiting at the bar. This is a stick. Oh, hello. Hello. Good morning Good morning. Hey stick. Welcome to the podcast. Oh, thank you so much. Now stick this is Arnold You'll have it's earning you have to follow Ony around. Do everything that he doesn't learn how to be the new ony in case he ever dies

Or has his legs chopped off or his burned alive or his blinded or has his throat cut from ear to ear I could I could keep doing this podcast under many of those circumstances. Oh, but blind. Yeah from ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear to ear I wear this hat and bow tie every episode, it's canon. Oh. I've come dressed like you, is that okay? Yeah, I'm impressed. I conjured this pink shirt for him. Yeah. Hi, stick. Hello Arnold. It's Arnie.

Hello, it's Arnie. OK, so stick. Why did you guys pick stick? Stick, you're going to... Well, stick is known throughout the land. Everybody knows stick. And he's known as a squire for hire. So anytime, you know, whether it be a night or a different

night or like a hedge night or any profession, he'll step in and squire to take over in case something happens to him. After nights out, hedge nuts and tree nuts. I've got a squire for hire son. Oh, wow. How did you? How does one get into squiring? Oh, well, I use people in the squiering business. And I said, uh, any openings, and they said there's always openings in the squier for higher business. Oh really? Yeah!

It's a dangerous business. You're, uh, your, uh, your knight who's leading you may be killed, the squier may be killed for the squier's less experience. If you're fighting some great beast, uh, a dragon perhaps, it's very easy for a squire or an or a knight to be murdered. I followed a knight that killed a dragon, but then the knight died. Oh. After killing the dragon? Yeah, he had an accident on the way home.

What? What was the accident? It fell off his horse. He fell off his horse? He fell off his horse, and then my horse walked over him. Oh. Oh, no. Was it a walk or a santa or a trot? A gate?

Oh, it was a gate. That's right, it was a gate. Sometimes it's hard. Difficult to stop a horse, it's in motion. You know that phrase. It's difficult to stop a horse, it's in motion. I mean, very quickly, they don't stop immediately. Yeah.

Yeah, how? That's, I mean, that's just some bad luck, right? Right. It was terrible luck. And there was a very small funeral. Yeah. A small funeral? A very small funeral to a lot of friends.

Oh. When the horse stepped on him, was it like one step and then moving forward or was it like multiple in place? I moved forward and then he moved backwards again. Oh, come on. The horses peed when they go in reverse? Yeah, do horses? They do, they sort of nay.

Eh, no, no, no, no, no. I've never noticed that, but I never move backwards. I'm always moving forward, looking towards the future, finding some new hope in the horizon ahead. Well, stick, for listeners at home, what is a squire exactly? You're just like an assistant? Yeah, I'm a sort of professional apprentice.

Oh, great! In case someone dies and I can take over from them, I've never actually taken over from anyone. Also, when your night died, you didn't take over? No, I just moved on to being apprentice to someone else's and apprentice to Blacksmith after that. Oh, Philip. How would Philip the Blacksmith?

Yeah, you heard of him. I have not heard, why have I not How would Philip the blacksmith? Yeah, you out of him. I have not hurt. Why have I not hurt to fill up the blacksmith? Well, he died. Oh, how did he die? Are we supposed to tell you about everybody in Foon, living and dead? Fuck.

I mean, I feel like over time I thought I would get to know everybody. Everyone? This is huge world. You haven't met hardly anyone. Nah, I suppose that's true. Now, when you were working with Philip, what happened there? He passed away while you were met hardly anyone. I suppose that's true. Now when you were working with Phillip, what happened there? He passed away while you were in the trot. He was making a lovely sword.

He asked me to test it so I tested it on him. It worked. Yeah. That's on him. That's on him. That's on him. I think I've got some of the blame there. Yeah. Yes, but you have to be very specific. If someone hands you a sword and they're like, try this out. What's the best way to try it out? Yeah, of course. Jamitin' to the gut of the person right in front of you and see if they live or not.

I mean, I gotta say, in your defense, I will say stabbing him seems like the wrong thing to do, but I don't know what the right thing to do is, like how do you test out a sword? Yeah. And you're just an apprentice? Yeah. So that's the kind of thing he should have taught you.

Huh? Yeah. Philip, had it coming. Yeah. Very small funeral. Very small funeral. Well, that was a different reason. He had lots of friends, but I shrunk the funeral down.

Oh. He had so many friends that I cast a great spell so that it wouldn't take up so much space. Oh, wow. Yes. So then did you become a blacksmith? No, then I was an apprentice to a king. You were an apprentice to a king. I was an apprentice to a king. Oh, a king of squire.

How wonderful. Hmm. Do you think you'll ever be king? No, the king died. Oh. No. How did he die? Oh, you know, that one was on me.

It's good to see you taking some accountability. Had a bad night out, poisoned his food. Oh! How was that your fault? I was lashing out. Oh, I see. I was, you know what? I was tired.

I was groggy. He was the closest person. He had a hunk of meat and I had a fire to poison. I thought, you know what, fuck it. Yeah. Well, sometimes you have a vial of poison and you're like, well this is just going to waste. Do you know that phrase, hunk of meat, vial of poison, fuck it?

Actually, stick is, there's a few phrases in food named after stick. I remember a while ago, maybe like 10 years ago, he used to kind of hide everywhere in town. He'd always be like, in the mud, hitting pop up in surprise you. And we get the phrase stick in the mud Oh really that was me also he had a brother stone and

You know every once in a while they'd get drunk and be in barfights and there's the phrase you know stick and stone will break your bones I don't know if they're apprentice to you. Oh wow, but then he's quiet for his brother and I came up what happened to Stone you know what happened to stone. Yeah, he passed away. Oh, I hate to hear that Now that one was was not on me. I tripped him up. Okay. That, he passed away. Oh, I hate to hear that. What did that happen? Uh, now that one was, was not on me. I tripped him up. Okay, that one was on me. Oh, that was absolutely on me. I thought I did not intend to.

I thought he fell off the top of a building. Yeah, I tripped him off on the top of the building. Yes, that makes sense. Well, anyway, this is your new square. Hi there. Hey, stick! So why don't we start the podcast over? And Arnie, you can give any notes or coaching.

Oh, scientists. And just so we get some grooming going on, because he is taking over for you eventually. And stick want you just intro the podcast. We know you haven't heard it, but just intro the podcast as you see fit. Again, it's hello from the Magic Tavern. And we'll just go from there. You don't think you should like just shadow an episode first and like get any sense of how what I do Absolutely not. Oh, okay be very specific in your notes. Okay. Do you find yourself at the end of a sword?

Oh before we start stick how long are you usually in apprentice before something bad happens? Oh it varies it can be anything between a day and three days. Oh, no. I don't want to die between episodes. Mundel, start the music. Hello, this is Stick. Welcome to Chatter Stick. I like the name change.

He's taking ownership. I like that. Confidence. Every week. I'd shout to, with my friends. Hey friends. Hey buddy. Oh, that's, it's the first time the host is call us friends, right? It introduces us at the same time. It's like a panion-fishing. Yeah, they get us both in at once. Hey, it's presumptuous of me. I will fully admit that. It's presumptuous. Oh no, not fully admit that it's presumptuous. Oh, no, not at all.

So much humility from him. Wonderful. This is great. You're doing great. You're doing great, too. So much. Is it all right? I mean, I don't know how long I should wait

before I give notes. No, this is a perfect time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let him speak it's fine. Well, first of all, I think I do like that idea of introducing it at the same time. The only thing is if you introduce them individually, then maybe it can take a really long time

until you get to the guest. If you give each of them a really long time to kind of like marinate in their bullshit. I'm just gonna excuse me. Marinate in our bullshit. Sorry, that's just- Now I'm getting hungry. That is an earth expression that is very positive.

Where it doesn't sound positive to me, that it sounds like you're lying to us. Can I tell you what that feels like? And this is another thing stick is known for. It feels like a real stick in the nuts. You're known for that? Wait, there's a phrase that's, you know, he used to go around kicking people in the testicles,

and the phrase became a real stick in the nuts. Oh, so it's a bad thing? Yeah, okay. It feels bad. Please explain how marinating your own bullshit is a good thing. Fully enough, I was once apprentice to a cook and I killed him by marinating him in his own bullshit. Look at that great anecdote. Life experience. That's a good story. I was also gonna say though for my notes I really did appreciate how you got your name

and the name of the podcast right off the bat, which I think is very important. It's good, although I will say that if stick takes over the podcast, it'll still be hello from the Magic Tavern. It'll be Chatter Stick. It'll be Chatter Stick. I mean, I think we can whether that sort of change, that's much trouble. And we can go to any tavern and we're still Chatter Stick.

We're not dependent on, you know. We did this podcast from a different tavern. We did it outside one time. It didn't make any fucking sense. Alright, Chatterstick we're not dependent on you know well we did this podcast from a different tavern We did it outside one time didn't make any fucking sense all right chatterstick I mean I don't know what that means but yeah that was the one episode that didn't make any fucking sense We called it hello for the magic tavern. We are clearly not inside a magic tavern and this tavern It went through all the magic titans here the tavern itself is not magic the whole thing doesn't make any goddamn sense to items here that Tavan itself is not magic. The whole thing doesn't make any goddamn sense. We're gonna take a quick break,

and we're gonna be right back with more chatter, stick. Welcome back to Chatter Stick, a podcast about my favorite subject. Sticks. You know, I think sticks are very versatile tool. They're often discounted as merely being discarded pieces of freeze, but you can do so many things with sticks,

birds use sticks as tools all the time. Yeah, and when you have a branch, if you come across a branch or a stick in the forest, you can use it to dig, you can lean it up against something and use it as a ladder to climb up. Yeah, get enough of them together, you can make a lean too and have a shelter. Mmm, wonderful. You've got a very large stick there.

You've got a... Well, that one has a staff. This is a staff, yes, and a variety of stick. Yes, it is a variety of stick. I never even thought of it that way. What a wonderful insight. Can I... I'm sorry.

This is going great. You killed the chat or stick momentarily. Can I ask a clarifying question? Stick, your name is stick. Is that your birth name or a nickname? Oh, both. Oh, both. Where are you a stickless or what's your?

Am I a stickless? Yeah, you know, I was a bone stickless, stickson, stickless, stickson. Yeah, so where is my father was a bone stickless stick and stickless sticks. Yeah, so my father was a stick. We're from overseas. It's a very common name in overseas. And you just happened to also just be really into sticks. No, but I mean, in fairness, when you call it stick,

there's only one way that you're going to go in your interest. My father was also very into sticks. Oh, and your father's name. Did you say your dad was in a sticks? You said your dad rocks out the sticks. Yo, he loves sticks. And especially their biggest hit, which is, Oh, no.

Probably would know it if I heard it, but it never knows sticks. Oh, wow, don't worry about that. Don't know what you're talking about. We're very into stick music in my family. Oh, really? Yeah. What is stick music?

Stick music is very heavy. Oh. Very heavy and entirely played on sticks. Oh wow what dark quite dark and luxurious slow Wow are there lyrics no no just you don't want to appreciate the way like that stick just did stick just use the word will goobryous and then right after took a second to say slow well he saw the fear and ony-size. I feel like you never do that. When you say something that we don't understand, you don't take a beat to then explain it to us.

Yeah. I just wanted to give some notes in terms of like what stick brings to the table. Oh, but maybe you could learn from? Ooh, look, I'm not the squire. I don't know notes. Everybody can learn. Yeah, yes.

What's a life is a journey where we're all growing and changing. So perhaps if you were more open to these ideas that there would be an opportunity for you to grow as they're not considered the opportunities that one does have whenever they're presented with these subtle changes that could improve their life. Okay, note taken, moving forward.

If I say a word or thing that I think you guys want to understand, I will immediately elucidate you on what that means. Instead of smiling sputtle. Exactly, and elucidate means I don't know exactly, but... Clarify. Clarify. Thank you, stick. Thank you, stick.

I was gonna say, like, what is that in source element that you're talking and and stick clear it up? Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Do you have anything for me? This needs to be a two-way straight. Oh sure Stick honestly, you're doing a good job, but you know what you just keep playing with that dagger in front of you It's a little distracting. I'm a little worried that the mics might pick it up The was that was taking. Yes, the one who just goes ting. I'm sorry, is that a dagger before him? Yes.

Oh, I see. That is a dagger, that is a dagger I see before me, right? Well, the handle's pointed to my eye. Yeah, it's, yeah. Do you wanna see the blade? No, no, hey, on my, here's a note, he always hand a dagger handle first. You you don't want to accidentally stab me. But then I might cut my hand.

Yeah, I'm at a point. Thinking of his hand. Yeah, I guess they're, like, they do. I do, you pass a dagger. I was thinking of them just like scissors. Wait, that doesn't make sense. You can lay the blade flat side upon your hand and hand the handle toward the person.

But then you wish to take the dagger. But then it seems like you're trying to show it to them in a like a sales room. Here's the way you do it. You take the dagger, you stab it into the table, it sticks, you let the other person pull it out. Sticks, sticks. That's the other meaning of stick.

And that's where I got very excited about the other meaning of stick being used. It hadn't occurred to me. Do you get two sticks? It's a hug. You've cut them with honey. Ooh, they stick. Ooh. Now is that a get two sticks? It's a hug. You've cut them with honey. Ooh. Ooh.

Now is that a waste of honey? You honey, miser. Well, I'm just saying we gotta collect as much honey as possible. You really are a silly big bear. I really am. And I'm a bit of a honey badger. Would you like to see my cut list? Sure.

I was apprentice to a pirate captain. Oh, that's not a car. That's a supreme cut list. It's a lovely cut list, isn't it? It's got a good shine on it. Now did you get to to a pirate captain. Oh, that's not a car. That's a supreme car. It's a lovely car, this isn't it. It's got a good shine on it. Now, did you get to become a pirate? I succumbed not since you're still squiring. No, no, but I did sail the ship all on my own.

Oh, that's so fun. Everyone else had jumped off. Oh, why did they jump off? Why did they jump off? They saw a very scary cloud. Cloud? Cloud. They shake like a clown.

Oh, big red nose. Big red nose. Big red nose on the cloud. Oh, red nose at night. Pirates fear. Yeah. That's how the saying goes. Well, how do they see... How do they all happen to see this terrifying cloud altogether?

And you also did not succumb to the fear of the cloud? No, fair enough. There was something going on in the crow's nests, so they all looked up, but my shoelace was untied. Ah, good timing. Lucky for you that you were able to steer the ship back. Did they all scream, ah, a cloud cloud and jump into the... In unison. Oh, that would have been quite melodious and beautiful.

It was, it was. And then I was captured by the good sailors. Oh! Do you know about the good sailors, Arnie? No! Who are the good sailors? Well, you see there are terrible pirates, Altharot Fum, that attack ships along the way. But since then, since there is no law upon the sea, there's sort of like good pirates. They go around and they just do good things

for goodness sake. A charitable institution. Yeah, it's sort of charity, yes, exactly. And they're called the good sailors. The good sailors, right? They're wonderful. They'll just go and they'll help you if you're stranded or if they see

you're being attacked by pirates. They'll attack the pirates and let's say, go on, go about your business now. Do they wear shorts? Short, short. Oh. And usually when they come aboard a boat, they'll say, like a good sailor.

Just a little jingle down. That jingle, it's weird how that jingle goes up. Can expect there to be more. What would you expect there to be more? Why? Like a good sailor, and then it, but that's what they all, why not end on a high note? I guess so. I don't understand.

Look, you've heard this podcast. Speaking of which, here's like a pre-note for you, stick? Like, I feel like, oh, that's so sad. You get a little pre-note? Just a little pre-note, doesn't happen everyone. I think it does, actually. A little pre-note, doesn't happen everyone. I think it does, actually. A little pre-note stick. As we start to get close to the end,

maybe you should come up with a final segment. Maybe you could call it stick the landing or something like that. Where we kind of like try to leave the listener with some kind of resolution or something like that. Sure. Like, it's something that we've often talked about doing on the podcast, but it's never actually accomplished. Nope, not one time.

I like stick and landing. Stick and landing. Or maybe there's a segment called Pick Up Stick where we try and um... Pick up. We try and literally, and figuratively, pick them up. I'm very messy. Yeah. You are a messy dude.

You're very large. Is that why you... I'm very large, but I'm also very large. Is that why you, very large, but I'm also very dense. Is that why you chose stick now? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's known as the Squire for hire. That's the only reason. Guys, have you been listening?

Look, maybe you're not as masterful an interviewer as I and you don't listen as closely as I do. But from a lot of the things he said, I think he murders everyone he squires for. Can I get you a drink? Oh, it's a very frothy. I'm worried about poison, but I'm so thirsty. You just could you mind actually getting a drink for everyone?

Steping away to the bar for a moment? I will. Oh, also, one with no poison for me. All right, I think that should cover it. Oh, I also want one with no poison. Hmm. I'll take the poison. Uh, now, you see, I don't know what you're worried about. Clearly, those pirates all jumped off the ship at the same time when they saw a clown cloud. Look, okay, how is that his fault? That's the one that seemed okay. But the rest of them, he either actively admitted to killing them or heavily implied they killed them. First, are you guys trying to get me killed?

No! Absolutely not. You're my best friend. You're my best friend! Arnie, you're my second best friend right after Appreaux fuels, and I would never do anything to get you murdered. We just know. On purpose. On purpose. We just know that at some point again you'll be gone. You know, you should or not are both magical creatures. We're gonna live a long, long time. And either you're gonna pass away unfortunately or more optimistically you'll make it back home to

Earth. But if I make it back home to Earth, I want you guys to come with me and we'll continue the podcast on Earth with Stick, bring Chatter Stick to Earth, oh banging! Yes! Nice! Now you've mentioned before that you would like to take us to Earth and continue the show there, but I... From what I've heard of Earth, there's no place for me there. Here I am, no wizard of food, great powerful mage, there's some city in all of pure darkness that shall perhaps defeat the void and a quest to

get back to defeating the void. Yes, alright but I'm just trying to make a mental note from it. You know I'm gonna write it down. I'll fill the void. There we go, four drinks. Oh, Which one's the one with no poison? It's the one on the left. The other two are shandys. And that's Naparol Spritz. Shandy for me. Oh, right.

Let's move them all around. OK, all right. Well, surely I cannot pick the one in front of me. Why? Oh, it just... I guess I can. Oh. Real wall of shan.

What? No. So you did the thing there just now. You did explain it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no character on Earth who's in the movie The Princess Bride, in a very famous scene with Carrie L. Ways. No, go back to not explaining. Okay. So, stick, which of these drinks is you gonna drink?

I thought I might have the apparel spritz. Oh, really? Because there's no poison in it. Yeah, all right. I like apparel spritz. I'm gonna have an apparel spritz. After going to get another apparel spritz. Yes, there's only one of those. All right. Have a shandy or a poison. Or any don't be rude, have a shandy or a poison. I don't like shandy. Can we get back into some chat or

stick? Welcome back, chat or stick. Yeah. Today we're talking about top 10 sports. Sports? Sports? Sports. I love mittens. It's my favorite sport. I really like it when they kill the birds, because even though I'm a great lover of birds, there are a lot of points, and then you can collect them any time afterwards. I'm gonna say one of my, maybe my number one is cap ball. Cap ball. I love a good game cap ball.

You're a good cap ball player. I'm okay. Yeah, I'm average You know, I just have a zeal for the sport. It's all in the cat I always think it's a lot a lot has to do with the cat and it's really nice to yeah, and it's willingness to participate What about you stick? What's your favorite game? Oh, I love playing net. Oh, net is fine. Yeah, everyone kind of wins it Yeah, huh. How do you play net? You make a net You just make a net? Okay. Okay. I like... I mean if some people think poker is a sport, why not? I like fences. Do you guys know... Do you know fences, Arnie? No. It's really fun. There's a fence between

two sides of a court. It's about 20 feet high. Use hit a ball over it. And it can take years to play, because someone might hit a ball over your fence, and then you have no idea it's there, and then you find it a few days, months later, and then you just take a racket and hit it back over the other side. Ah, the fences leak is all over the place at the minute.

Yes, all over the place, very popular. Usually play in August, it's a really powerful sport. Huh. Really emotional. I like the idea of golf. You like the idea of golf? What does that mean? I don't like golf, but I like the idea of it. So the idea of a body of water that butts up against land is something that you're kind of into?

Yeah. And see, I'm at a crossroads here. Part of me wants Ony to explain this thing. But then at moment ago, he tried to explain something and that was even worse. Let's, you know what, I want to say something, but I'm enjoying Chatterstick so much. I just want to keep the momentum going. Yeah, my number. I never want to say that I will explain things you don't understand that I'm saying right after. But remember, it's a real monkey's paw. Is that the right way to do it?

You have to include an appendix. Speaking of appendix, can you move that? Can you move that, and I don't know the name for this type of blade? You have, stick out of notice, you have so many blades on you. Yeah. It's kind of poking where I generally think my appendix might be.

It's a javelin. It's a javelin? See how long it is? It's ja of poking where I I generally think my appendix might be. It's a javelin. It's a javelin Yeah, it is very long at first. I didn't know what was I just felt like a light poking and then I looked down and there's a javelin poking Cool, but aren't we're in the middle of top 10 sports my second favorite sport would probably be butt cousins I feel like that's a that's a pretty fun one I'm in a lot of pain, but I do want to hear more about butt cousins. How do I? Butt cousins is when you, if you sit down on something and then you get up and then seconds later somebody else sits down on that same area, seat, or what have you,

your butt cousins. And you just try and keep tally of who your closest butt cousins with. Wow. On Earth. Butt cousins is a really underrated Elvis Presley movie. Ah, see I want him to explain, but I don't. I'm really torn. I don't know what to do here anymore.

Well, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm a big fan of hand to hand. No, I'm not. It's where you swap hands. I love hand to hand. Yep. Arnold, have you ever played hand to hand? No, how do you swap hands? Cut your hand off.

Like, right now? Yeah. Cut your hand off. Here, I'll start. No, you sewer. I mean, is there magic in thought? I guess I before anybody cuts their hands off. Do you want bar in my soul

Your saw you have a saw there. Yeah. Oh, and it's a singing saw it is It's magical. It's got a mouth Look I I oh it sounds so good. I can't wait to hear What do you mean you can hear it right now? I mean just later, I can't wait to hear it again. Okay, yeah, hand me the saw. Okay. I'm gonna take a, well I can't cut off my obsidian on.

And it's too hard, but my right hand, I'll just go ahead and solve this off. Damn, anything can happen on Chatterstick. So as I was saying before, Keri L. Ways was in this movie with Wallace Shaw. Keri L. Ways, you know what happened to him, his career after Princess Pride. He's trying to saw his kingdom. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who wants to? Hey, do mine next.

Okay, yeah, you have to move a little bit of saw too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, now take my hands. I can't imagine that this could keep going after Saw 2. Well, like, you get up to Saw, I don't know. Put it back on.

It is tidal differently. That's fun, that's a fun hand. Mmm. See, I just put his hand back on. There we go. Oh, wow. I just attached it. Yeah, but it's weird.

And now it feels like a stranger's drinking your outfit. Ugh. But you said, why did you guys, why did you trade a righty for a lefty? Well, just to mix things up. Now I have two left hands. This is very soft. Well, thank you.

You look after these. I do. I work the day in his life. That's not true. I work very hard. But I do soak. Yeah. So did you just give stick a magic hand?

Technically, I suppose yes. I mean mean he can't cast spells with it He's no wizard once you cut off your obsidian hand to here touch it. It's too hard. Oh That's too hard is that take forever. I mean it's it's magically turning into stone essentially Yeah, right away little I can do about that. Oh, no, this this hadn't is pointing at you. It's oh nothing to do with me It's there's like sparks coming off of the end of the photo. Oh, yeah? There's a little magic in there still, I suppose. That's fun.

All right. I feel, I feel somehow more tired than usual. Classic Arnie. Oh. Is that, I had a spell to make Arnie tired left in my hand? I feel what, little life force I have, leaving my body. Arnie, are you okay?

I'm worried we're sticking the landing. I think he's just trying to get a red potion. I'm not gonna give you a red potion. Well, sidebar, I would like a red potion, but the sidebar is closed, you know that. The main bar's open, but no sidebar. Okay, I don't care. Backbar, front bar. Look at me. I'm slowly becoming emaciated. Emaciated. You know, that's how it

pronounced on my world. Guys, I'm starting to look like the end of last crusade. That is an Indiana Jones movie. Indiana Jones is a beloved Earth care. I think he said Indiana was a state Harrison Ford was named after the dog He's getting thinner. He's what was thinner. I don't know who wears them was named after It's not a very common name, but it's pretty cool. So they call the dog Indiana? They call the dog Indiana. And...

Oh my, look Arnie's got real thin and long and brown. Oh, Arnie, could you, he's a stick. Could you write me a reference? I suppose it's hard for you to get references since so many of you are. I have no references. Your masses have passed away so untimely. That's very sad. Entirely by word of mouth.

Guys, guys, I always thought if something like this happens, my friends would make any effort to save my life. You know, stick, I'd be happy to write your reference, but I have your hand. Oh, right. So technically right now, you'd be writing your own reference, which would be... Fraud? Yeah, Fraud, that would be terrible. Hmm.

The cap is a crime. I'm fucking dying right now. I mean, what are you complaining about right now? I'm... I'm miracle I could even make any noise. Oh, here, let me... Also, this is gotta be annoying I'm brought on a get on the cheek. Whoa

So here's in Ford is a name. Let's switch hands back. Okay. There you go There you go. Oh there. Just put that back. Oh, that feels good. It's nice to have your own hand back Hey guys, you know, I usually don't pull this card in the podcast, but I'm gonna just make a unilateral decision about the podcast. I'm so sorry, stick. We're gonna let you go as Squire. What? Yeah, I know.

And I'm guessing from what little I've known from talking to you that you're very specific thing is killing while squiring. It's been known to happen. Yeah, but also, but is it fair to say less likely to kill when not squiring? I've never killed when not squiring. Yeah, see, this is, I think I just saved my own life after thank you, Yusidor, for saving my life.

And, Sean, thanks for nothing. I'm the one person to recognize you get turned into a stick. I can't. Magic you back to form? Is it- is- wait, all right. So you want a highlights magazine puzzle? Are you telling me that turning to a stick is something Arnold can't naturally do? I don't think so. You can't turn into a stick of your own free will. No, I can only go the other way. All right, I'm going to make a note of that for the future, so if it happens again, I'll act more quickly. Thank you.

You know what we've learned a lot. And you know what, stick? I've learned an important lesson about life. What's up? Hmm. So is there a first crusade? I thought you wanted to stick to the landing. You really just missed a huge opportunity to do that.

Oh, that's right. This really feels like we're in a post. We should have ended it, period of the episode. I mean, I don't need to tell you this, because you're not, you know, apprenticing anymore, but it's really good to try to like, look for a button, look for a moment where you know like it's done.

And then if you keep going, kind of like a good sailor. Yeah. Oh, you're right. So, yeah like like a good sailor. Yeah. Oh, so, so, yeah, not so bad after all. Yeah, exactly. Because then otherwise you're sort of like, oh, no, we've gone too long. And then you're kind of like trying to say, like, we'll find something if we keep going. And then we'll never finish this episode of Jeff Stick. Never finish. There, I mean, this is not Chester Stick anymore. Is he, of course. Before we stick the tavern,

stick, what's next for Stick? What are you gonna do now? I'm gonna look for some more work. I saw an apprentice needed sign on my way in. Oh, really? Written on leather. Is that the leather merchant? The leather merchant.

Yeah, I've never worked in leather before. Oh, that's fun Work for a tannery and perhaps take on new skill. That's that can be very good for you Can I ask you stick sense pretty? So we pretty I feel like our cards are on the table We know that you like Apprentice and then kill that person what right wasn't that pretty obvious I didn't catch that and I didn't get that at all. I'm not I've never been accused of that You've never been accused of that. That is completely unproved now It seems like it seems like a lot of the people that you do a princess for end up dead

But that's just a coincidence. Oh, no, I swear like a minute ago. He literally admitted to doing it I'm not I don't think so. Well, I think we've all said things in the last minute or so just to try and stick the landing. We're trying to help you out, bud. Okay. Well, I guess I was just wondering why you never take on the jobs themselves. My job is apprentice. Your job is apprentice. Stick to what you know.

Exactly. Yeah. That's it. What? That's the one. Stick to what you know. That's where we should have ended the episode Well, we didn't Anyway, let's just keep talking as we walk to the bar. Do do do walking away

Man, if I was dying, you know, like if someone attacked me with a laser saw, I'm not sure anyone up here would try to bring me back. We should really reestablish the bunker's emergency life support systems, but we rattled all that power into the home theater on Deck 10. I hate to admit it, but the mysterious man did make the trains run on time. Unlike Mussolini, who did not make the trains run on time. Look it up. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the shape-shifter was played by Adel Rafa.

Stick, the squire, was played by special guest Felix Trench. Felix plays Rudyard Fun on the delightful podcast Wooden Overcodes, a British audio sitcom about two competing family-owned mortuaries. Give it a listen. Hello from the Magic Tavin was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba, and Ryan D. George. This one edited by Garrett Schultz. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon,

additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at a low-from-the-magic-tabern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to Chicago podcast co-op, and thanks to Ear Wolf. I gotta go check on some stuff. Bye. co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf. I gotta go check on some stuff.

Bye.