Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 84 - Traach and Treasure

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

Traach the Kobold returns to help us assess the many magic items found in the tavern. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTraach: James D'AmatoCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey hey, Emperor Craig here. My underlings seem to have staged some kind of walk out today. Either that or their bouncing around the bastard amber room again. Of course the central computer here could tell me where they are, but I don't really care. Or know how to use it. Let's start the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host Arne and you camp, I'm very much real.

Here's, if you've noticed in the podcast before, this is everything you need to know, about 3.5-ish plus, a sort of years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, and the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fun. And I'm joined as always by my good buds, my good friends, my good friends, my, why am I spending so much time trying to define what our relationship is?

I have no idea. I'm joined by Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor. And Chant. What? Yusudor was, no, I do want to hear the whole I want to hear the whole thing Bung thing too. I barely got out even the first thing and you know Spaghetti you talked over me. That's the thing I do talked over my being so then my Bung was kind of under my breath because if you can't hear the being why just why bring the

Bung right why bring the Bung if you can't hear the being does that make sense Arnie? What is this I feel like you're so you're having like a crisis or something. Is this a three quarter life crisis? And why are you so fucking wet? Why are you wetting it? I look there's a river under the ground and also I think something chun said a couple weeks ago is hitting me. There's a river under the river. There's a current. I'm really upset about some current events. Oh, arndog, buddy. We got a streamlined and simplified.

I keep going down the stairs to the river, staring in the river. I'm like obsessed with these current events. I can't look away. I feel like I'm not really doing anything about it But if I keep hyper focusing on these current events take us to the river right now Take us to the river get you in the water. No, you also have to keep in mind that By the time anyone hears this events

Could be better. It's true the current. Yeah, the tide could have changed I guess cross. Why is everyone doing my voice? Could be better. It's true, the current. Yeah, the tide could have changed. The tide could be! The tide could have changed. I guess, Croft. Where is everyone doing my voice? What? Ah, Chant, can I ask you a question? Most certainly. Um, is gum crust invited to your wedding?

Um, Peep-Up-Up, I feel like Gurm. I think Gurm is coming. I think Tussador made Girm a Girm's maid. Is she being allowed to bring her a guest? Is she responded? Is she bringing a guest? She, oh yes she did. She had a plus one and she said that she's bringing someone. But I'm not sure who, I don't think the, I don't think they'd, I said who? Usador. I know you fell in love with Girm and an alternate reality, but that didn't really happen. She doesn't know that that happened.

Well, but I do. I know that it happened and I'm, I can't help it. My thoughts sometimes churned. Uh, uh. Well, then, usador, if you love her, you've got to take that alternate reality and make it a reality. And I mean that metaphorically, not literally, because I'm realizing now that I say that that's something you might try to do.

Do you want me to go back and try to change the timeline? No, not in that way, because no, yeah, I got my legs ripped off and Girm died. Let's not forget that. Oh yeah, yeah. And we burned down Otox Pavan. Mm-hmm. And there's a lot of spitting. All right, I won't do that. But what I'm saying is, if you're feeling, you got feelings for Girm, let her know.

But what about Sweet Genlevia? And Sweet Girm, I'm so torn. Yeah, what is a wizard to do? Why have hamburger when you got a record ribbed at home? What? You know the old saying. Who's what? Why? And what's better?

Why have hamburger when you have a record ribbed at home? Is that a saying? Yes, of course. If you have a rack of ribs at home, why would you go out, grind up meat, bring it back to your home, and then cook it in some fashion, either into a patty or perhaps into some other form. There are a lot of...

You can do a lot with hamburger. Meat is a very versatile meat. It's a great protein. Do you ever notice how... You call it cow, but once it's meat, you call it beef. Isn't that weird? That's a little weird. Do you ever think about that?

Do you ever think about that? What? Everything about that? Hey, don a little weird. Do you think about that? Do you think about that? What? Do you think about that? I don't. Are you guys fucking car food? No. No.

Good. No. But I do want to say, everything my car food said last week is true for the wedding. But you're the most evil stuff. We are the most evil stuff. Not the nasty boy stuff. But about the wedding stuff. So don't forget, everybody has to wear jeans and pink polo.

Some of the nasty boys. Well, some of the nasty boys. Can I wear this jeans and pink polo? Or do I need to get like a whole different one? Can I wear this jeans? You should probably wear your dress jeans. Uh-huh. And your dress polo.

I assume you... Do you have a drollo? Do I have a a drollo or dreams? I don't know. I assume that your uniform has a dress version My uniform is a dress version. Yes, this is your uniform, isn't it? I'm not an action figure What do you mean or do you keep posing like a soldier? Well my hands hurt soldiers and adventurers all have uniforms Uh-huh, so this is your uniform. Oh, you wear the same damn thing all the time. It must be a uniform What's the dress version of your weird bird shit covered? Little gold. There you have there you shot fired shots fired first of all the dress version has more bird shit on it Mm-hmm, and it's lined with gold.

Oh. On the inside? That's right. Can anyone, can you see the gold? No. And when I dress up, I put pomade in my fur. Oh, really? You do like kind of like a messy bedhead kind of thing?

Ah, I bet that looks good. Looks hip, looks cool, looks young. So is it just the fur on the top of your badgy head or is it like all over? Like are you just like a, look like a mess? Heading back. Heading back. Mm-hmm, okay.

So then when I expose my talent. I think that's what I can do. I mean, it's still flat fur. Yeah. Party in the back, business up front. That's what I say. Mm-hmm. Are you going to wear a cute little bow tie?

I think so. Oh, I love that. I mean, I'll have a pink polo on with jeans, but then a cute little bow tie. So, we'll twos it or also be wearing a pink polo with jeans. Mm-hmm. Everyone. The group should have something extra though.

A hat, a... Or... Oh, I'll have a nest of bees. That's true. A nest of bees? Yeah. Like a bird's nest? I guess a hive of bees.

Okay. I'm your best man. I'll support you in whatever way. It's a chunder, you okay? I mean, it's gotta be stressful. You're wedding coming out. I can freaking out, man. I am losing it.

I'm freaking out, right? Right? I itch, like I just feel, am I making the right... The right... The pomade in your fur. There is, I should wash that out. You wash it out occasionally.

Don't try to hurt it. It's annoying. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Yeah. Some of my fur broke off. I just, I don't know.

It's, it's weird to be like, oh, I'm gonna spend my life with this person. And like, Ron, you must know, like you're married. Yeah. What is that? What, how did you combat those, tell me butterflies. You know, you just accept that it's all right. That it's natural to be a little bit nervous. And then you focus on the things that are exciting.

Yes, what are you excited about right now? I'm excited for the actual ceremony. I'm excited to be surrounded by people I love and who love me. I'm excited that you're both a part of my biggest day, you know. And I'm excited to explore, you know, what it means day, you know, and I'm excited to explore, you know, what it means to be married. And for you too, to get to know Tussador, even better.

I'm hoping there's some sort of night where you all get to know. Yeah, we'll do like a boys night or something with Tussador, we'll get to know him. And yeah, I am so excited for you and your future and the happiness and all the things that lie ahead of you and it's totally natural for you to be a little bit nervous and that doesn't, you know, but it's gonna be great but also know that if you think it's a bad idea that also that's okay too.

It's not something that you can't. I'm just saying, this is true. You're shaking me, aren't you? You're shaking me. I'm not saying this is true. You're shaking me aren't you're shaking me? I'm not saying this is true I'm just saying that if you think this is wrong That's an option too. There's a lot. I can't put you down. There's so much vomit in your fur I'm sorry. I can't put you down Last Wednesday when you didn't see Tussadoa he and I switched brains And I lived in his body for a day

and he lived in my body for a day. And we learned a lot of lessons. And I think we're a lot closer now. And I'm gonna kind of get off his case, you know. And I think he's gonna realize that I work pretty hard at my job, but it's because I love him. That's great.

He always before we get a bet, he's always like, I wish he used to get off my case. Hmm. And that's why you were skateboarding so much last week. That's why I was skateboarding so much last week, yes on Wednesday, correct? Hmm. Hmm. It was a weird Wednesday.

Oh, but guys, I am very excited. Uh, our guests, we haven't seen them in a while. Uh, I think he's kind of come by to help us with some of the weird magical items that we found around the tavern. I like that weird axe. Yeah, we gave that weird axe to the activity. Is it? Are we somebody? I don't want that weird axe.

I know. I like that weird axe. It was so weird. So weird. So weird, man. Remember how weird that axe was? How weird that axe was? Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

And so it's so weird and yet it's hard to describe how. Yeah, like I couldn't verbalize. I wish I could, really, you just have to see it. You don't have to see it. You have to be able to do it. Oh my God, you'd laugh for. Well, you guys really just like repeating the same words over and over again, huh?

Oh. It's got us this far. Hey Josh. Hey! Hey guys, it's so great to see you. It's good. It's good to see you, too. You said that you were gonna go off

and fight the Dark Lord. I thought these are dead men that I'm looking at. And yet, here you are! Here we are. Which has got to mean that the Dark Lord is defeated. Which is fantastic. Oh, no.

Not exactly. Before you see, we were captured and held prisoner here in Hogg's face for a while. And then we planned to murder the Dark Lord. It is birthday party. And right before we murdered him, we struck a deal with him to help defeat the void. Oh, look at him secretly.

I still planning to overthrow him. Nice, the void. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying.

I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying.

I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm not saying. I'm made it. I mean, also frankly, I'm a little relieved to hear that, you know, you made a compromise with the Dark Lord and that, you know, you're not an open rebellion against him because I kind of did a similar thing.

Oh, oh, Sam. Well, you know, remember how I wanted to avenge my dragon master who got struck down by the Dark Lord? Yeah, you had a dragon god. Yeah, and he was slain by the Dark Lord and into the great shame of all cobalts everywhere. But, you know, we were left with this business, right, trying to sell off all the stuff that we had, and you guys gave me that great idea to sell off all the stuff that we had, and you guys gave me that great idea to sell off those mystery crates. Oh, yes, of course. You get a little bit of a loot box. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, plenty of foolish brands sort of coming together and all the garbage

that he had strewn around the cave, we boxed him up and we needed a place to store it and it turns out that the Dark Lord has a bunch of warehouses. Oh no, and there's a full moon next week. Oh, I think it means W-A-R-E, not W-E-R. No, I meant the first one, but that's where he keeps a lot of stuff as well. Oh. So on the full moon, what are those houses turn into? Warehouses.

No, no, no, they're people. But in the full moon, they turn into big warehouses. Oh, hold up, hold up. Warehouses aren't houses that turn into warehouses? No, no, no, they're people that turn into warehouse. How do you kill a warehouse? Silver crates taxes

Yeah, silver water damage to the foundation. Mm-hmm. I Cut a deal to store some things in some of his warehouses and you know what we're kind of It's not kuhuts, but it also ain't pure You know, yeah, I think I understand I Would go as far to say that we we have not made a compromise so much as we have Come to an understanding that he shall not move against us and we shall not move against him until our mutual enemy is destroyed Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and understanding that's good stuff. I've been trying to figure out a way to explain it to my significant other. Oh, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you very much. What do we got going on? What are we working with? Well, I don't want to brag, but I've been seeing, and it's a pretty regular thing, but I don't know if it's going anywhere. Conspiracy of birds and wind and rain and the very earth underneath our boots.

We met at a single's yoga. Uh, so. You're so hard. Uh, are you, uh, huh? Is that your mom? Wait, what do you, is this nasty boy talking with your mom? Do you is this nasty boy? Sorry. Do you see that again?

Do you see that again? Do you see that again? It's a conspiracy of birds and wind and rain and fire and the very earth underneath our feet that makes the mountains high, that will summon forth a champion that will defeat the great evil that has come to food. That's your parents. That's my- That's-

Those are my parents. Oh, alright. That sucks. Mmm. Ah, that's weird. Good for them though. I knew it might be a little delicate. I have an a wizard here and-

No, no, no, no, no, it's fine. So you're seeing my parents. Mmm. You have the forces that brought you into this world, you said, or are a total Kabawafilf. I'm sorry, you're laughing at me. They're just a Kabawafilf. A Kabawafilf? Is that a conspiracy of birds and wind and fire I'd like to?

Oh, I thought you were talking about that Tequila Company, started by that band. Oh, no, you're talking about that, to kill a company start that band. Oh, yeah, I cannot stop talking about that, to kill a company started by that band. It sounds a lot like a Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, a Waffle. And I'm assuming that you added ILF to the end of that.

Mm-hmm. I like the fuck. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Stinger, gotta rip off that band aid. It's fine. It's all fine. You sure you're being weird You're blinking a ton. I'm blinking a bunch. I just don't want it to be uncomfortable. I'm not I'm not trying to be Your dad. No, I don't think you are. I don't he's gonna be your dad. Just think Trash daddy

Well, I would say this, uh, obviously you aren't my parents. I've been alive for 300 years. Uh, this conspiracy, I want the conspiracy of birds and rain and fire and wind to be happy. That's all I want. Well, I, good, good. I mean, the things, things have been going great. And, and they talk about you all the time Really always going on about how there's a great champion who's rise up and defeat the dark Lord

Always always going on about the fact that you're champion of the great halls of Tarakas Got that picture pinned up on you well, I mean they don't really Exist in a space, but they do have that picture flapping about in the wind and the fire and the rain and Can I ask you something you saw it? We haven't really talked about your appearance before How does the how does the fire and the rain get along like that seems like it would be contentious Relationship because I can understand how the birds and the wind get along, you know But the fire in the rain is where I'm just hung out. And the fire and the bird.

The fire and the bird. Yeah, I guess fire and the birds too. It's all part of the natural process. Love is love. Exactly. The trashes said it exactly correctly. These different elements, uh, do they seem to be in conflict with one another? They are all part of a greater cycle that cannot be avoided. Just as I am a very force of nature brought

into food to become this champion. I like the wind itself. I like the fire. I like the wind I'm here to serve my purpose upon this world and make sure that everything is in balance once again. Yeah, that passion. That runs in the family. Let me tell you All right now see this is what I didn't want to talk about You're right. Let's keep it above board. He's your new trash dad. You're his garbage pale kid You're being an astie boy, and I don't like it Trash we're so excited to see you because there's all these magic items that we've been finding around the tavern trying to unlock the mysteries of the tavern and when you're an expert on magic items, maybe you could help us figure out what some of this stuff is.

Yeah, anything for you. Oh, well, they don't feel like you have to make any special. Oh, no, no, no, of course, of course. Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, like it would be yeah, we've mostly been here in the tavern Although we spent some time in another tavern in another part of town But we found a lot of magic stuff here like behind Guys are part of the fellowship. They're gonna fight the dark lord with Well, yes, of course, okay to the of the most important on comes from a far-away world. John!

Yeah, John, yeah. I feel like use it or it's that doesn't like us. Yeah, he's got a real fruit brown. But now he doesn't think we're good enough for use it or? Yeah. Fuck this thing. What nasty boos. Let's see these items.

You found them around the tavern, must be like a potion. All right, calm down, We'll show you the fucking items Yeah, I got a I found a liquid javelin a Liquid javelin. That's what I said. Okay, let's let's take a look at this Okay, this is this is Megassian probably from the 70s the 70s like The year 70. Yeah, the year 70 Wow, that's a long time ago. How old is a food? That would be about 45,000 years old. Oh wow. Yeah, you only get these colors coming in the 70s. I feel like I know it's been 4,000 some years. I feel like that look. It's coming

back. Whip up this orb. Oh! Now this could be interesting. Oh right, it could be interesting. If you get to know it, Arnie and I could be interesting. Yeah, tell me, Arnie. We could be good kids. You're not from food, right? Right now, I'm from another world. I fell through dimensional portal behind a burger king

in Chicago, et cetera. You're a pho foolish citizen, right? Yeah. So you took the test? Yes, I did. I think I passed, as I remember. Then you obviously know about Ligma. This would be from the, the, the, the multiple choice test.

But yeah, Ligma, I mean, that would have been a really necessary part of that test. If you were to be, look, I'm a surprise. It is what I passed. serious, but I best. Well, yeah, these orbs would be from Ligma that they're actually quite a powerful magical artifact. Oh. Ligma orbs? Yeah, or Ligma balls. Oh, well.

So you're telling us to lick your balls? I'm sorry. I see what you're fucking doing here. Oh, well. We're used to door best friends, okay? Why, why are you speaking to him that way? to look your balls. I'm sorry. I see what you're fucking doing here. Ow, well... We're used to door best friends, okay? Why, why are you speaking to him that way? I'm just saying like...

I thought he's... Your collar popped up. You wanna flatten that down? Get some more pomade in there. This is my conspiracies. Gentlemen, friend, and I won't have it spoken to in such a way. Thank you. You're welcome. Sorry. Sorry. Oh

Anyway if you pop one of these orbs in your mouth and can prevent any damage from a major magical attack Ooh, no a minor one that I can still kill you. Oh, oh It has to be a major major magical. That's being MMA a minor threat won't do it. Yep. What if it's a magical attack from a minor? Uh, well that'll get you in trouble for sure. I would just stay away from minors, especially with like mobiles. Yeah, here's a set of races that I found. Uh, I cast the tech magic on them and they all magical, but I wasn't able to determine what their purpose is.

Yeah, and there's a reason for that. These are cursed. I'm so glad I didn't put them on. Yeah, this could be disastrous. These, if you put them on, they are known as ballistic bracelets. One of these, they're encoded with a secret code phrase that only the person who created them knows. But should you, a hapless adventure, place them on, you'll find them tightly bound to your arms. And if you should utter the code phrase, your arms will be ripped from your body. Whoa. Just so we know to avoid it, what's the code phrase?

I don't know. I mean, this is the first time I've seen them. I need to run some tests. Normally, we'd have a whole team of other cobalt. I could do the test for you. I've only got two arms. Is there like a reset button? A reset button? Yeah, just reset it and put in a new password. Back to factory default.

Yeah, reset it and forget it. I mean, usually if you turn it off and then turn it on again you can fix most problems Or you just Google it what oh I also I don't know if this is anything but I found this apple. I should go right Okay, well you see it's glowing so that'll that'll be a sign right away that something's up with it Huh, I mean let me take a little sniff here. Who would just be a glowing apple? Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. It's a sniff, that's a sniff here, tongue?

Yeah, yeah. I'm a little lizard person. I guess that checks out. And this thing is definitely magic. This is known as a core apple. I didn't like seeing my conspiracy's gentleman friend doing that thing with his tongue. Yeah, that's gotta be accurate. How does he taste the thing?

I don't know. You say this is a Core Apple? Sorry, I'm gonna be saying it. Yes, a Core Apple. Anyone who bites into this Apple or eats this Apple will be magically bound to it. Core Apple. or eats this apple will be magically bound to it. Oh, core apple. Then when you discard it, the first thing it touches, it will suck you to its center.

Ooh, oh. Once you added center. It's not as gross as, yeah. I was like, oh, this is my apple. Now I can see, they make peaches that do that. Wait, so if I eat this apple, and then I throw the core away and say it hits a horse, then I'm inside a horse.

You're eating the horse, yeah. Oh, that couldn't be neat. Have you ever wanted to be inside of a horse? No. I think it could be very educational. So you gotta trick someone into eating an apple. Yep. But then also, be closed by enough to pick it up.

Do you have to rest the apple out of their hand Usually you don't have to trick people into eating an apple It's a it's a food thing that people normally eat you have to trick someone into eating like a cup or a salsa People just eat apples, right? Yeah, that's true. Wait, you're gonna trick people into eating a cup You know you said you get someone to eat a cup. I think that'll probably kill most people. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. You don't have to trick someone to eat an apple.

You have to trick someone to eat an, uh, uh, uh, parakeet. So you're saying that if we just trick someone into eating a cup, that's as good as this apple. We gotta talk up on cups. Oh, what if I eat the apple and then I throw the core at a party? Am I then just at the party?

You'd be the center of attention. Oh, see, there's a positive use for this item. Yeah. There is a positive use. But you have to be careful. Make sure you don't hit like a party guest. Ah, that's going to get messy. Yeah, you'd have to somehow hit the party.

The car symptom party. Yeah, difficult. Hmm. If I went to a play and threw it on the the performing platform. Oh yeah, you take center stage right away. What if I'm in the dugout. And I'm ready to get in. And I don't like I've been there all season. And I'm just like put me in coach. I'm ready to play today. Look at me, I can be, and then I throw on the field.

You play a lot of sports? What if I throw it into a cake? I throw it at someone else's cake, but I've destroyed that cake. Do I owe them a cake? Well, that, I think, depends entirely on what kind of person a conspiracy of birds and wind and air and fire and rain raised. Ooh. Hmm. Way to get judging on that.

I'm just trying to figure out the legalities of this. You know what, guys? I think we should just pass on this apple. I mean, I'll take it. It's a very rare, powerful object. I'm sure you still don't want it. I still don't want it. I don't want it.

I don't want to get it. I just remember last time trash gave us that bowl that we thought was dumb and then we accidentally killed blemish with it We didn't act we didn't kill anyone. No. I'm sorry fancy blemishes over there looking as whole body I mean I soldier guys that ball hoping they kill someone with it if you did that's great. Oh, oh, okay What we do was useful is that bone tree? Yeah playing with that bone seed? I thought so. Did you get a monkey skull?

Yeah, what do you do with the monkey skull? Been drinking out of it. Oh, nice. Uh, well, what else do we have around here then? Let's put this apple behind us and think of it no more for we shall not be defeated by a simple plant over here. Wait, oh, wow, look at this! You guys got a butt for! What's a butt for?

It's for pooping. Okay, I'm interested. Tell me more. All you have to do is hold this sort of large, unwieldy looking object. It'll keep you regular! Ah, no, you could use that. Yeah, I don't believe in that much magic. Uh, what about, uh, I found some weapons here.

Are any of these special to you? Or are they just random bits of, uh, well, let's see. Oh, guys, I'm sorry. This collection of weapons that you've given me it's it's part of a set Oh If you line this up with this here and this here and it looks like there's a piece missing, but this this is a No, there's a Voltron set What has had me? I'll if you had all of the pieces you could put these together and make a undefeatable warrior.

Oh no, is it missing a weird axe? Yeah, probably, this axe shaped hole. See, I didn't realize that was an axe shaped hole because it's such a weird axe. A Voltron set at auction could sell for upwards of 120,000 gold pieces. Really? Without the complete set though.

Well, but we should probably hang on to that, if we have an undefeatable warrior. We just need to find out we had ax and get it back. We could ask Octavia nicely. Yeah. Yeah. As you seem to real reasonable, we could steal it from her.

We could ask. We can steal it from her. She says ask. We can steal it from her. She says no, we can steal it, but we could try asking first. We could sneak in, uh, can come in later tonight. Here's what we do. I eat this apple. Pick up the core. See the axe?

I throw the core at the axe. I'm the axe now. You call me axe, man? I walk around. I shot a man. Come with. Yeah. This is a flawless plan. the dry what about this I found

this frozen rose okay well clearly something like this would probably come from like the guard tax region they like to wear larger pants there we We as we all know, so they probably have something like this to cool themselves down with all that fabric. Is Gartax near Gartax? Yeah, it's a very small province, just south of Gartax. Just, it's in there, it's in there. They got very uncreative with the names. And they're like, yeah, I'm from

Grautacks. You're like, no, you're not. You're from Gartacks. Didn't you say there's two Portland's? I think so. Yeah, one's in Maine. I don't know where the other one is. Oh, so trash. I don't mean to change the subject, but why do we have you here? There's a river underneath the tavern, and I realize that if you put Earth stuff in it, it starts to glow and the more earth stuff I put in it the more it glows, but I don't have that much earth stuff anymore. You know how to get it. It's about earth stuff a lot. Oh, yeah. He references it, but he never goes into too much detail. Just enough to get you my hands and some earth stuff for you

I actually came by because I wanted to drop off some of the mystery boxes that you guys purchased from me We owe you about a thousand right? Oh my god. That's a lot of boxes. We really went crazy on buying some of those I know you're gonna get. That's just what we've got here. Ah shoot. Ah darn shoot. What's wrong? Is the wrong boxes. Oh.

What's the boxes? Oh it's the box. It's the box. It's time the warehouse transformed. I must have just picked up the wrong box. This is the- What's the dark lords garbage? Oh, she goes through the dark Lord's garbage and find out like some intel.

Yeah. Like what he's been eating or what he's been reading. What his social security number is. What do we, what do we take for us to go through the boxes that you do have? You really keen on going through these boxes, huh? Mm-hmm. Let's do it together sport. Oh they're bonding. Oh they're throwing the box back and forth Arnie look at them. They're tossing the box. Do you have that on earth? And food. The most just thing you can do with your dad is a toaster box. Yeah I don't

have much hand-eye coordination, so I don't know. Ah! Tostobox is also what you do in the privacy of your own home. Oh, sure. With another person. Oh, sure, it's a taken two ways. Different things mean different things. Yeah, the Tostobox?

Eight Tostobox. Eight Tostobox. Are you all right, Sly? I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm also just two feet tall. And this was quite a big box, but look at all this stuff that spilled out. It's weird. Wait, this looks like Earth stuff.

This looks like our Earth stuff. And you think the dark lord has been storing Earth stuff in the warehouses that I store my mystery boxes in? That seems awfully convenient. Oh, look at, here's a shirt someone sent me. This shirt says, brinth. Remember that? Yeah.

And here's a couple industrial light magic hats that someone sent us from industrial light magic. Ooh, the Oscar by a Wiener Mobile Whistles. Oh, is that remember these? A Smashmouth CD. Someone sent us that. Um. Guys, remember a bunch of listeners sent us a bunch of stuff and got it shut through the portal and after the dark Lord attack

We didn't know what happened to most of that stuff is the dark Lord been collecting all our Mail? I don't know what kind of weird pervert stuff he does. I think that's a federal offense. Oh, here's the two chocolate edible anuses Wait, there's I swear we ate all of those. Then what are these? Oh, no, these are inedible A-N-S-S. Well, there's- oh, there's some real treasure in here too. Oh, here's that rubber cocken ball. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the rubber cocken ball! And someone said you guys that?

Somebody said it's a rubber cocken ball, and somebody said it's a bag of bouncy balls. Well, these are all wonderful to see again. Uh, uh, uh, aren, but aren't you, perhaps? Now we have enough Earth items to put into the river to make it. Uh, glow-o-o-whatever. Trash. Yes.

Can we have all of your boxes of Earth stuff which technically belong to us anyway? Well, I mean, I promised to give you guys with 1,000 mystery crates for the 10,000 gold that you gave me, so I'll see why not. Alright, wonderful. And you've already brought them all here with you? Yeah, yeah, I mean I brought them to deliver. I just I didn't know I thought I thought I would be taken over some great full magical items for you guys. I thought I would be taken over some crazy magical items for you guys. Trash, use it or chunt, grab boxes, me, Arnie, the host of this podcast. Let's grab some boxes. Follow me to the basement, down the stairs, to the river underground.

Down and down and down will go until the river starts to glow. Well throw this earth stuff in. Let's grab this garbage and put it down. It's not garbage. People are listeners, like guys. I mean the hats are nice. I think your listeners are going to be very happy to hear that you threw all of this stuff that they worked so hard to send you into a river.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Hey listeners, just know that we appreciate all of the stuff that you sent us and get stolen away by the Dark Lord, and it's gonna serve a better purpose, I think. At the bottom of a goddamn river! Gonna make this river glow! Isn't it common to just throw garbage into rivers on Earth? Again, it's not garbage, trash. Alright. Earth. Again, it's not garbage trash. All right. I'm going to put my body in the river.

Why don't you say it like that? It's not a good weirdo. Really? I'm going to put my body in the weirdo. Look, I'm proud of the color of it a lot. Look, I am Earth stuff. And so I'm just going to get this process started. Look, as I descend into the water, the more I descend,

the more the water goes. What was the little bit. Why was your catchphrase never, I am Earth stuff. Shit, this fucking bangin'. Yeah, I am Earth stuff. Yeah. I take it back, there is some garbage in there. Alright, well here's some candy bars from Adele and our bar from Zinger Mons.

Snickers. And by weird Japanese food. Here you are, family garden. Here's a mug I got that says it's good to be king. Oh, my bird card. My magic, the gathering bird card. Oh, here's that Sudoku book that I never even tried to solve. Somebody sent is the Reynolds pamphlet and I'll toss in this rubber dick and the balls oh yeah in the balls. Do we have to get rid of this welcome mat that says ding-dun? Look it'll always be waiting for us at the bottom of this river. Here's a crocheted chunt doll with two butt holes they know a lot of work went into this.

But when you give some any gift, don't you hope it ends up at the bottom of a river? Isn't the ultimate? Here's this curse awareness buttons with buttholes. Here's your eye questing for the Luna sword shirt. Yeah, backpack that looks like a badger. I'm realizing a lot of the gifts we got were chunt related. It's an award for butthole based podcasting. Oh yeah, I'm realizing a lot of the gifts we got were chunt related. It's an award for but-hole-based podcasting. Oh yeah, I'm Jared something. Oh, it's the Jared Kay Anderson Choice Award 2016 for best Transdimensional To Heaven-based Podcast. I was really proud when we got that award,

and I have to say, from being honest, I'm disappointed that we did win the hit in 2017 or 2018. Hey, yeah. Fuck Jared. Hey, yeah. Fuck Jared. Yeah, but you know what? Serials really good and deserve it. Are you the water's glowin' more and more?

Yes, I think it's working. Yeah, listen to that river glow. I'm gonna pour in these Dan Smith business cards. Here's a couple of maps. Someone burned us a DVD of a short film that they made that I'm sure was good. From Owl pellets, a weird potion. Tell me something like this, I thought that was a clone.

I thought so too. They smell extremely expired. Oh, here's a knit used to doorn and knit spin packs. Goodbye Dr. Hume Mug. Oh, here are the pieces of my I'm a dad. That's my superpower mug that I had to break after that episode where someone put a mermaid Dick in it. I think sounds right. Sounds like it. That would happen. Here's the scarf somebody needed for us. Oh, here's the backstretcher that was supposed to be a better arm for Sean. I think what I love most about this process is

how much you guys sound like you really appreciate all the stuff that you got. What do we do? We do. We do. We do! We're in a very impressive part of your life. Look at these toy dragons. I'm gonna have sweet these way up. Oh yeah, those are dinosaurs which are boring dragons. Oh, I think it's a serenity reference that I wasn't getting at the time. Well, they're still very adorable. Goodbye, toy dinosaur.

Here's the congratulation card someone sent to Trakeye, a really Abelorath that we never got around to passing on to her. Here's the New York Observer shirts and the copy of the magazine. And the rest of it. Yeah, a bunch of other stuff. Just, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. I don't think I really appreciate it with all these things. Much effective. I wish I had a point.

So many people are so kind. I don't think I really appreciate all these things. Not if I could. Crash as a point. So many people are so kind. You're so awful and lovely to send us these things. And now... Now the things you've given us have unlocked this... Secret Glowing River. Now with the power of Earth Magic behind us. We shall find Swamps's McGee. And... Wait, what's the next bit?

Wait a second. I think we need one more thing. In this box, there's a giant Harry Potter candy set that someone sent us, and I don't think we ever mentioned it on the show, and I think they might have got real pissed off of that and posted on Reddit, but you know what? I'm gonna throw this one in too.

What's that noise? There's a head still on the other side of the river. And there's a chair. And it just says below it swamps McGee. Go sit in it. Go sit in that chair. Okay, you look like you're so good at sitting. Okay.

Ah. Um. Hmm. Nothing. Try adjusting. This one. Oh, yeah! Guys, we accomplished a lot though. I think we can get the swamps McGee part.

Like, we still got like a month or two. Hey, can I be honest without something on me? Yeah. That very otter candy, and someone said, there was a box of beans that said it was every flavor. Yeah. And I had a couple most of them. said there was every flavor. Yeah, I ate a couple

There wasn't every set of repeat It didn't say there wouldn't be I just said there's every flavor. I got upset because there was not every flavor. There was 15 at that 15 flavors. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that got a lot of money But from what I ate was it was not everything. Well, trash. It's good to see you, and I hope that you and I can spend some more time together, perhaps and I want to let you know that there's room for you in my life and that you are Important to the conspiracy so you're important to me. Wow used to do something fire still and as he's crying

The water's hitting the fire now. I see now. I see how fire and rain works together. Yeah Gordon birch shit. He's passing wind. Oh, I'm not exactly He's passing wind. Oh, I'm not exactly The sort of figure that you grew up with in your life. I'm just glad that you can find room for a two-foot tall sentient vermin man Scream! That was a hug. Oh, I thought I was like a Kh Khloeakar. There's a lot of merch. Yeah.

And it's Khloeakar. Oh. I see. So I think it used to be Khloeakar. I think it's time to admit that your parents are fucking trash. Oh, uh, seeing a lot of very interesting readings here after all the Earth's stuff shenanigans. Uh, my Royal intern doesn't seem to be. Well, I'm sure the situation will keep until he can interpret this. Um, not that I, uh, yeah.

Uh, I used to know that Wizard was played by Matt Young, Chant the Shape Shifter was played by Adel Refi. Trash the Cobalt was played by special guest James Demato, James hosts One Shot and Campaign on the One Shot Podcast Network. One Shot just finished up a 6-episode campaign with guest Patrick Rothfuss, yes. Also check out James' new book, The Ultimate RPG Character Backstory Guide, full of prompts and activities to enhance your role-playing experience. Buy it wherever books are sold.

And speaking of plugs, I guess Robot Arnie has one? Weirdly, he looks excited, I'm just gonna, yeah, go ahead, take it away buddy. Hey, this is SpaceBunker Arnie, and FYI, I am not on a robot. Just a reminder about that. I'm just poking my head in to let you know that the Jackbox Party Pack 5 is now available on most cool gaming digital platforms. If you're not familiar with Jackbox Games, it's a video game company where I have worked for years and years, or at least that's the cover story. And we make really fun party game video games that you can play with your friends using your phone

or laptop as a controller. And so many magic tavern people have contributed to making Party Pack 5. Maybe our best pack yet. Ryan to Georgie and I. He's the voice of Craig. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Ryan to Georgie and I went slowly insane this summer

bringing back you don't know Jack, the classic pop culture party game and adding a bunch of new surprises and twists. Brooke Bright, the voice of Flower, wrote for all five of the games in the pack. Tom Gottlieb, the voice of Bungery Chubbins, wrote for the games and hosts you don't know Jack as his classic character, Cookie Masterson. And Tim Sniffin wrote for all of the games, host one of the games as a talking cat, and as if that wasn't enough already, animated the number segues in the Udo-no-Jack game. That's too many things for one person to be good at.

Wait, who's Tim Sniffin? Is he someone in Foon? Yeah, it's a mystery. And a whole bunch more people, Andy Pauland, Allard LeBon, Brian Chard, and a bunch of great people who wisely have had nothing to do with Magic Tavern ever. Jackpux Party Pack 5 has the trivia goodness of you don't know Jack. A wrapping robot game that uses text to speech. A drawing game where you pitch weird inventions, a weird fling a action game, and a funny hypothetical questions game hosted by a talking cat who is snarky enough

to devastate any one of us with a turn of phrase? Look, I don't talk about it much because I'm in space Spitt at space, but I'd love it if you'd pick up the Jack Bucks Party Pack 5 If that's something you're into and you have one of the platforms that plays it anyway Just don't it out there might be a fun thing to do with your family over the holidays Jack Bucks Party Pack 5 check it out. Oh and also vote vote vote vote vote I probably should have said that first because it's much more, and also, vote. Vote, vote, vote. Vote, I probably should have said that first, because it's much more important. Go out and vote.

Sorry I put that way at the end of a long rambling about the Jackbox Party Pack 5. If you get this in time, definitely vote. It's always important to vote. Gotta go. Oh. I have no idea what that was. Hello from the Magic Taven was produced by Arnie Neacamp,

Evenget Cover, and Ryan D. George's. This one edited by Ryan D. George's. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us alofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks for the Chicago podcast, co-op, and earwolf, and a huge thanks to anyone who takes the time to send stuff to the podcast.

Seriously, if the guys don't mention it on the show, it's probably because we're here at the bunker intercepted it for a further study. Or they couldn't think of a dick joke about it. Now, uh, go vote! We'll see you next week. you