Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 86 - Hogsface and Chicago

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

While the boys in the Tavern get ready for Chunt’s wedding, in Chicago Sarah encounters a magical being. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSarah Maher: Sarah Ma...herSpintax: Charlie McCrackenFancy Blemish: Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern and Wiccan Knitting Theme Musics: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:44 Oh, okay, if everyone's here, we can start the weekly briefing on Spacebunker operations. Now... Craig, this is the first I'm hearing of any weekly briefing. I literally just walked in here because I saw donuts on the table. Yeah, attendance has been low. I sent out the invite months ago, but I think maybe I didn't reserve the room, right? Or something. Why are we still in office 2007?
Starting point is 00:01:03 Here's why. Because I spent years correcting the built-in dictionary. On the way words, should be spelled, and I'm not starting over again after an upgrade. Well, you're both here now, so we can go over the newly redesigned Sure Wheel, courtesy of your benevolent emperor. Meet me. Okay, well, you've got my name down for administration, event planning, and replacing the plug-in perfume things. A mysterious intern is on bunker maintenance, dimensional phase analysis, and new business, whatever that is.
Starting point is 00:01:32 That's right. And what are you gonna do? I'll be focusing on workplace culture and team morale. Craig, you know I love flimsy cries for help as much as the next guy. But next time save me the walk down the hallway in my pajama pants and put this online. Well, I can try to move it to a digital choreo wheel, but I've noticed some minor glitches in the bunker central indexing system,
Starting point is 00:01:51 and I'm afraid we're gonna lose all our data. It's like Y2K, you know? Remember Y2K, you guys? Hi, sure do, Craig. Which one of you wants to remind everyone about the live Hello from the Magic Tavern Winter Salts to show in November 27th in Chicago, and tell them to get tickets by going to Hello from the Magic Tavern.com and clicking the live
Starting point is 00:02:07 shows tab. Not it! None of you want to tell people that the guests include Brooke Bright as Flower, the talking flower, Tawny Newsom as Activity of Barley Food and lots more surprises? Ah well there's no time for it anyway, the show's starting. Enjoy! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Arnee Neekamp.
Starting point is 00:02:47 If you've known this in the podcast before, don't worry, this is everything you need to know. About 3.5 plus ish. Actually, like, maybe 3 and 3 quarters at this point. Years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal, behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the magical fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal. Friend Burger King threw the dimensional rift and I used that to upload a podcast I record every
Starting point is 00:03:10 week here in the tavern, the Vermillion Minotaur, and the town hogs face in the land of fun. And I'm joined as always by my good bud, my co-host, my soon to be married badger bud, my soon to be married badger, but groomed to be. Not mine though, best my best man, but I'm his best man. Shunt. The talking bad, not gonna fall, not gonna finish it for me, and he always finishes my sentence.
Starting point is 00:03:42 Oh yeah, a baby. Oh, I like that. He has trying to class it up a little bit. So you know, I'm getting married soon as you mentioned. Donning a little, do thing a little daughter, doff. A little top hat. Got a little top hat. Looking, you saw, you saw being me on the head.
Starting point is 00:04:00 Got a little top hat. Got a little cane. Just trying to look style and profile. Very fancy. Is this what you're gonna wear in the wedding? I don't know, I'm just trying it out, just trying to see if this changes anything. Did you like that the classification of all you baby? I'd love to hear it again. Oh yeah, the bee. Pretty good. Get to it. Doesn't work with that.. Oh, speaking of it, you're trying to class up all your catchphrase.
Starting point is 00:04:27 Let's try it class it up a little bit. Oh, speaking of Get Wet, I was thinking of some wedding hashtags. We talked about this before. I think I'm debating between two. Hashtag GetWid. Get wet, I like that actually. Or hashtag, oh ya baby's.
Starting point is 00:04:45 Oh, because your husband to be has bees for... Jonathan, I don't know your business. Well, that's his business. Yeah, that's true. Literally. Yes, I see. So you prefer get wed? I think get wed, it's easier to remember short.
Starting point is 00:05:01 When you write your speech to the best man speech, make it real fun. Real funny and fun. I know, here's the thing, I'm very excited to do it. I just don't want to do something wrong. Like, I don't really fully understand the parameters of what stuff is acceptable for a best man speech in this world. I mean, you're gonna want to do like in memoriam
Starting point is 00:05:22 of all the kids who have died. Like when, for how, just since you've been able to I mean, you're gonna wanna do like in memoriam of all the kids who have died. Like when for how? Just since you've been here? Oh, I saw so much, that's a lot. And then you're just gonna do, just speak from the heart, but make it real fun and funny. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:05:40 Is that fair? Have you started writing it? No, but I'm because I'm just still... Have you ever been a best man? I have not, actually. No, I think I just offered up that information, but you maybe were a car food at the time. It's hard to remember. Yeah, that was a weird day.
Starting point is 00:05:56 Yeah, it's true. Oh, we're also joined by my other co-host, Yusid or the Wizard. I am Yusid, oh, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow. Then it be like, don't have and Shadow. And if you lay two out of magical delights. I'm so sorry. Devvowl. I'm having a few hussies. Pop in here.
Starting point is 00:06:10 Champagne. Lucy, Lucy, would you mind doing your name but class, classing it up a little bit? What? Could you class up your name a little bit? How dare you. I have the classiest of classy names. Hi, every title I do utter is brimming with class and fanciness. Maybe it's like a t-t-t-t-t-t. I am a lucidor.
Starting point is 00:06:34 What does me say? Who is it? Maybe like a real breathy w. Get some- get some breath in that. It's weird, but okay. He's his. Here we go. Anything for you, little bifter.
Starting point is 00:06:44 Hmm. Hi. I'm luc easy thing. Here we go. Anything for you, little bifter. Hmm. Hey. I'm juicin' off. There we go. Who is that, over the 12th? Real motherfaisers. It's getting kinda goofy. Master of light and shadow.
Starting point is 00:06:56 I think he's a bit from the curfew later. The magical delights. The power of chaos. Pippa-pippa. Shabby another great halls of T'Roccas. The elves know me as faggy-alic. The dwarves know me as soding in who extendies. And I am known in all these...
Starting point is 00:07:15 ...escaps weeniel. Mace thaw. Oh, stuck the landing. I am a spaghetti. And this is most important of all. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but there are other secret names that I also have. Just don't just be quiet about that. Well, I'm excited like we're getting sort of fancy and formal because Chant's wedding is coming up. And that also reminds me we've been reading Pride and Prejudice for the Book Club. Mm-hmm. That's where I got some of the ideas for my outfit. Oh, Mr. Darcy's a real fop.
Starting point is 00:07:48 Is that, am I using that right? I haven't read that far to know, but I know that Mr. Darcy's a character. Yeah, he's just real classy, he's got a lot of money. He throws it around, what's it be known? Yeah, I don't know that we've actually told people the date of the book club yet, but try to have Pride and Prejudice read by December 10th.
Starting point is 00:08:06 Oh, it's going to be such fun. I can't wait to talk about the Bennett family. This is Bennett is so much fun and Lizzy and all the rest. All the Bennett sisters. I haven't gotten that far into it yet, but I just appreciate how it's just a group of people being really passive aggressive to each other. So I think it's going to be really on brand for us. That's us right no will house. I think that might be diminishing it a bit Well, I've only read a couple chapters. Okay. What do you think so far? Had you read it before?
Starting point is 00:08:34 I have never I somehow got through my entire English education without reading pride and prejudice or honestly any Jane Austin. Yeah, you said in earth schools schools, they force you to read certain books. Well, yes. I guess force, but yeah, they do force you. They do force you. You never read it before. Never read it. By Red Frankenstein a couple times.
Starting point is 00:08:53 Ooh. What's a Frankenstein? Oh, boy. We'll just have to put that on the list of one of the ones that will eventually do. Uh-huh. What does Sally do at the meantime? Well, I don't know what a Frankenstein is. Give us a hint.
Starting point is 00:09:06 Mmm. Give us a hint. It could be a doctor or the doctor's monster. Cat. It's a cat. It could be a cat. Doctor, cat or doctor or monster. It's been a while since I've read the book.
Starting point is 00:09:17 There's probably a cat in there. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. I bet Dr. Frankenstein's name and everything Frankenstein. He's probably got a cat named Frankenstein. He's like Superman. What does that mean? Superman names all his pet Superman.
Starting point is 00:09:28 And no one, there's no one here to tell me otherwise. As much as they may want me. He's turning blue in the face. Why would that bother me at all? I know nothing of this man who is so super. Oh, looks like our drinks are here. Fancy bluish. The fancy one that I painted.
Starting point is 00:09:44 Chip chip cheerio, my friends. Three rainbow bowls. Oh, wow, wow. Ah, feeling your luck. I'm melting. I'm melting. It's alright. You're going to be fine. I miss you. Already. All of you. Goodbye, you nasty.
Starting point is 00:10:04 Oh, wow, wow. Already. All of you. Goodbye, you nasty. Oh, wow. Oh. I think that might be the end of fancy blemish. Oh, it's been three weeks, the magic paint. Oh, well. Yeah, well, just have to make another blemish. And I'm dressed fancy, so that, uh... I know, we don't need fancy names, remains. Yeah, this is T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- Is it traditionally their first dance? Well, will you have a special dance with your groom at the wedding?
Starting point is 00:10:47 Oh, of course. Yeah. I've hired a model to play at the wedding. So I think a model's going to play us a song, and we're going to cut a little rock. Are you speaking of the dance of consummation? I wasn't, but... Oh, we're going to dance, fuck. Oh.
Starting point is 00:11:02 Is that what you're talking about, Yusdor? Yes, of course. Yeah. Deep into the ceremony. Oh, is that what we're talking about, you store? Yes, of course. Yeah. How deep into the cereal? Oh, I mean, well, how, like, is it closer to the beginning, closer to the end, hopefully? Closer to the beginning, just so that we prove before, you know, the, everyone's eyes that the shut up love. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:21 Will the best man's duties be done by that time? Like, could I maybe slip out and then I- No, no, no, not at all. You close out the night. Okay, you're the closer. I'm the closer. Kira Sedwick, here I come. Is that right?
Starting point is 00:11:33 Probably not. No one here to tell me. What's a Kira Sedwick? Is it related to Frankenstein? Probably. How many pets does this Superman have? Sorry to interrupt the episode. Oh no, all that continuity we never bothered to add destroyed.
Starting point is 00:11:47 But we're getting an alert of a dangerous magical disturbance on Earth. It looks like it's coming from the web radio station in Chicago where Sarah Mahar works. Oh yeah, we haven't checked on that show in a while. No Craig, don't get up, I'll realign the frequency crystals. Hello from Chicago. Welcome to the Wicked Knitting Radio Hour. I'm Sarah. Sorry, Shirley's not here this week. As everybody knows who listens before, she's been missing for the last two months. So I've been
Starting point is 00:12:32 taking up the mantle here at the Wicked Knitting Radio Hour. So today is our call-in-day. I love that call-in music. So I've opened up the lines and we will be discussing a couple topics today. We'll be discussing witches. We'll be discussing knitting. And we'll be discussing what happened to me the one week where no one saw me. It's been about a year and a half. I still don't have answers, people. Still waiting. Still waiting.
Starting point is 00:13:05 Still waiting. All right, the lines are open. I'm just gonna sit silently while we wait. I'm gonna take a little sip of water. Oh yeah, I chucked him in on spit. Hello. Oh, hi. Hi.
Starting point is 00:13:21 Welcome to the Wicken Knitting radio hour. This is Sarah. Thank you so much for having me. My name is Daniel. Hi, Hi. Welcome to the Wicked Knitting radio hour. This is Sarah. Thank you so much for having me. My name is Daniel. Hi, Daniel. Hello. I had a question about Bobby Yaga. Bob a Yaga. Yeah. Sure. Bobby Yaga is a Russian witch. She lives at a shack in the woods. Check us chicken legs. Why does she get her own name when most switches are just called the witch? Well, that's an interesting question because it sounds like you've just been reading some white men literature.
Starting point is 00:13:52 If you find some lady literature, all the witches have names. I swear to God. Pick up any book with a very female sounding name. Okay. Like Mary Shelley. Yes. Like Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I also had a follow up question. Thank you for learning me. I had a follow up question. Have you seen Carol Reeves, John Wick?
Starting point is 00:14:13 No, but one time I saw him in the lobby of a higher in Chicago and he was so stoned. So no. And John Wick wanted to, they call him Babayaga. They call John Wick Babayaga. Yeah, and it's a Russian witch It's a female Russian witch. I'm just confused as to why who wrote John Wick Thank you for your time. Thank you Okay, the lines are open. I'm just gonna wet my whistle here. Hello
Starting point is 00:14:41 Hello, hi, welcome to the Wicked knitting radio hour.. This is Sarah Nat Shirley. How can I help you? My name is Melissa and I've been I've been dipping candles. I'm sorry. I've been dipping candles But might take them out the wicks are too short So I was wondering if you could give me any advice about how to set my candles better How to set your candles better sure. Yeah. Okay, so the wicks are too short. Yeah, okay. So are you dipping your wicks by hand? No one else is doing it for you?
Starting point is 00:15:12 No, just me. Do you promise? Yes, of course. Okay. I wouldn't lie here. Melissa, this is a place of honesty. It's a circle of truth and trust. Are you dipping your own wicks?
Starting point is 00:15:26 No, my sister's doing this. Your sister's dipping your wicks. So first thing you should do is dip your own wicks, okay? Okay. Melissa, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna be honest with you here. You call in every week about this. And you keep lying to me.
Starting point is 00:15:38 Should I just drop the whole thing in there? I think you need to drop a lot of things, Melissa. Wow, okay. Okay. Hey, Melissa, have you seen John Wick? No, I haven't. I'm sorry. I wish I could have said yes to that because they're private. A lot of the real interesting call to mind out of that, but I honestly have not seen it. Melissa, one more thing. Do you know what happened to me the week I was gone? I don't know. I suspect that maybe you were captured by aliens the way I was. And then what?
Starting point is 00:16:13 I suspect that you were captured by aliens the way I was and experimented on. What did they do to you, Melissa? Well, it was all very unob bon app. I was sort of like cool, like it's go with these aliens and do these experiments. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm going to step you there. I don't care about your emotions about it. I just want to each know what happened.
Starting point is 00:16:33 Okay, well, the first thing we did was we put plants and different kinds of soil and saw which ones grew faster. And then we make some chemicals. Okay, thanks Melissa. Bye-bye. Okay, bye-bye. Okay, that was fun. Melissa? All right.
Starting point is 00:16:52 Just gonna take a sip of water here. Mm-hmm-hmm. Oh, delish. Lines are open. Lines are open. Thera! Ah! Thera!
Starting point is 00:17:04 Hi! Have I reached Sarah? This is Sarah at the Wicken-Eating Radio Hour, who am I speaking with? I am Spin Tax the Green! Oh, hello! Sarah, are you wife of Arnie? Yes. Have I reached the right person?
Starting point is 00:17:18 I don't know any other Arnie's and Sarah's that are married, so I think so. Arnie, knee-camp. Does that name ring a bell? Is that your betroth? Yeah, I call him arndog, but yes. Arndog, are you holding a phone next to your head at the moment? Yes. Hold it away. I'm sorry, what?
Starting point is 00:17:37 Hold it away, I'm coming through. Oh, okay. Ah! Oh, yeah! Here I am. I just upgraded this phone. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh my god. Well first I just have to say it kind of feels like my phone gave birth to you. I feel like I should give it a break or something. Yes, why not power it down for a while? All right.
Starting point is 00:18:10 Uh, hi, are the lines still open? Oh, hello, hi, I guess so. Hi, Barbara. Oh, God. I was just calling because I don't think you were gone at all. I think you just probably had a vacation and now you're making trend is to be interesting and have things to tweet about. Spinja X, this is Barbara Glasshouse, she's a real estate agent.
Starting point is 00:18:30 Barbara, you know, normally I really love her chats, but I'm going to ask you to leave because somebody's here now, okay? Okay, bye. Is Barbara an enemy of yours? Kind of, she's just kind of a bitch. Barbara, are you still on the line? Yeah, I said I acted like I was hanging out, but I did. Barbara, I told you to get off the line. Yeah, I said I'd like to let go of hanging out but I did. Barbara, did you get off the line? Yeah, he's talking to me now. Check your dress pocket, Barbara.
Starting point is 00:18:51 What? You'll find a piece of paper in the pocket of your dress. I know you're wearing a dress with pockets. Wow. I do have a piece of paper in here. Unfold it and read the threat therein to yourself. And know that I mean it. You shall be devoured by frogs born the inside and out.
Starting point is 00:19:10 To yourself, Barbara. Barbara, sounds like you should probably skidaddle, huh? Bye. Spin-tax, oh my gosh. I want to learn so much about you, but I'm kind of a self-centered person. What's going on with my husband? Have you had contact with him? I used the last of my magic to come here and to put a note into that barbara's pocket.
Starting point is 00:19:30 Uh, uh, uh, uh, okay, so much happened there. First of all, what magic? My magic, did you see me come out of your phone? Yeah, I know. I mean, I don't know. My phones are pretty powerful thing. It's amazing what these things can do these days. I don't know if it's totally you.
Starting point is 00:19:44 Amazing, yes. Magical, no if it's totally you amazing. Yes Magical no listen. Have you seen a mimoji? Oh what I hear okay I said I power down the phone, but I'm just gonna turn on really quick. Okay. Do you see this? I'm gonna hold this up to your face and now you're a chicken talk my god What have I become? I've got a beak. And a cockrole! No! Get this off! What sort of sorcery is this?
Starting point is 00:20:08 So sorry, so sorry. Okay, wait, let's get back on track. I have not seen my husband at all. I know that I lost a week of time and I came back as a swordsperson. What's going on here? Your husband has been trapped in another realm! What?
Starting point is 00:20:23 It feels like he's kind of always been around and always not been around. You're telling me he actually hasn't been here? That's what it's like to be around him. Oh. That's just the fact. That's mostly his personality. Yeah, you're right.
Starting point is 00:20:34 Okay, so where's he been? Have you seen him? What have you guys talked about? Does he still have his phone? I'm not sure. I've been away from him myself for nine on three years. Okay, well then, I gotta be honest. Thank you for coming, but what are you offering me here? Because if you haven't seen him in three years, what's up?
Starting point is 00:20:50 Boy, you're a tough sell. I came out of your phone. Listen, I think you're cool. This fucking phone was so expensive, it better birth wizards. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. I came here to your world from mine. I'm from the land of Foon. I came here to fight the encroaching void, the vast nothingness that threatens to destroy all realities. Oh my god climate change. You wish. I wish climate change. You wish climate change. You wish climate change. If you understood the void. So what's the void? The void would end climate change and then everything else. Oh, that's bad.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Yeah, hi. Is this a breed? Can I get some Popeyes chicken? Sorry, this is the Wicken knitting radio hour. Do you have anything to say about witches or knitting? I'm sorry, I call the wrong number, Sarah. Okay, what? How do you know my name?
Starting point is 00:21:44 It's me, Barbara. I'm trying to call it a greed. Barbara, listen, I'm having an issue here, okay? Yeah, I'm having an issue where I'm gonna get devoured inside and outside by frogs, and I thought it had some chicken first. Why? Because I'm hungry.
Starting point is 00:22:00 Goodbye, Barbara. Bye. I'm so sorry, spin text. She's really throwing me for a loop. If I had enough magical potency left, I would feel her mouth with chicken forever. Oh God, that sounds so great. No, it would be terrible. Well, but great for us, right?
Starting point is 00:22:17 Oh, sure. Great for you, her enemy. Yeah, exactly. SpinTax, I'm glad you're here. I think you've got a lot of answers. I don't know how to get to them, because you seem kind of, I'm glad you're here. I think you've got a lot of answers. I don't know how to get to them because you seem kind of... I'm just gonna say it smarter than me. Oh, well, thank you very much. I am very old.
Starting point is 00:22:33 Really? Yes. How old are you? Well, her wizard doesn't tell. Okay, I'm so sorry. A wizard just brags. Nice, see, see. Okay, is there any way to get my husband back?
Starting point is 00:22:44 Yes, you have a child. Yes, we do. She's four. Is she plump? No, she's actually kind of tall and skinny. Well, then we may have a hard time. Why? Nothing. What?
Starting point is 00:22:57 Nothing. I said nothing. What if I told you she was fat? Well, then we'd be in an alternative universe. We're forced to stay where we are, Sarah. And I am forced more than most, because I have run out of magic. Can I ask you a question?
Starting point is 00:23:11 Shoot! Did you ever see me anywhere else for a week? Um, I don't believe so. I'm a white lady with brown hair. That sounds dimadazzin. No offense. Sounds ordinary. What are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:23:26 White lady, brown hair. I've got blue eyes. Ooh, blue eyes. I live in the LA. Oh, what's that? Los Angeles. Los Angeles, California? Yes.
Starting point is 00:23:35 There are no brown-haired people there, are there? Not if they can help it, not for long. Woo! It doesn't seem like anything too dangerous is happening. Hmm, which conversation am I less invested in? Let's check back in with Hogsface. Which is why it's so imperative that you learn math before the wedding. I don't think that. John, do I really need to learn math before you're wedding?
Starting point is 00:24:02 I mean, I hate to tell you, buddy, but you do. Give me an example of one of the things I would have to do. I, well, of course, at the end of the evening, everyone gets together, and they do a wonderful math problem on a wall together, and they solve for X. To keep away the specter of an X. Oh. That way people don't get divorced.
Starting point is 00:24:24 They don't become X's by solving for X. Oh. That's kind of nice. I shall offer you this opportunity to attend the University of Phoenix where I teach math as Susan Doku. No think about it. You can take a class!
Starting point is 00:24:39 Ah, let's take a break then. Alright, let's take a quick break. Let's take a break then. All right, let's take a quick break. So anyway, we've been talking about wedding stuff and also we've been trying to figure out what to do with this giant harp. And we've also been talking about what Arnie named his dog. I assumed you named it Arnie
Starting point is 00:25:00 because that seems to be a precedent set. But I guess I could also see where it might be named Arndog? Arndog. Yeah, just sort of like, part of your name, then also, you know, letting it be known that it is a dog so that people don't get you too confused. And then he said he was going to name it Ertho, the Arni dog, and he smiled to himself.
Starting point is 00:25:20 And I thought that was very strange. It is very strange. Well, I wish Fizzle Von Pizzlewvic was back so he could speak to him some more too. Oh, maybe try playing it. Oh yes, sir. The harp? Yeah, play the harp. No, you're dog.
Starting point is 00:25:32 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, in your face. Fuck you guys. What the fuck? Where the fuck are you? Okay, enough of that. I'm just glad we made the point of switching back for the expertly done sponsor reads. I'm changing it. What's going on?
Starting point is 00:25:49 A nice cheese ravioli. It's some of the best stuff on earth. I'm glad you've taken an interest. I'm interested in how you crimp the edges. You just water, makes them seal into a glue. Just water and a really loving sun print. It seems a bit heavy. Really?
Starting point is 00:26:07 You put a nice light sauce on it and you don't like add anything. It's pretty good. Well, all right. Tomato tomato. Do they have that saying? Where are your friends? Tomato tomato?
Starting point is 00:26:14 Yes, but we only pronounce it one way. Oh, well, how do you pronounce it? Tomato. Tomato tomato? Right. Oh. Sort of means everything's the same. Well, you've taken such an interest in Earth stuff I want to hear about where you're from.
Starting point is 00:26:27 What's going on with you? Why are you here? As I said, I traveled from Foon at the behest of your husband Arnie to fight the encroaching void which threatens to swallow all realities. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you mentioned that. And it's not climate change. It's not climate change.
Starting point is 00:26:46 Alright, if you say so. It's worse than climate change. What's worse than climate change? The encroaching void. So what does it just give you a sunburn? No, it gives you nothing. It takes away the sun. It takes away you.
Starting point is 00:27:00 It takes away the ability of things to burn. But then I just hop into like a butterflies, not he, right? Hopping doesn't exist. Butterflies don't exist. No things exist. Oh gosh. So what can we do about it like recycle? The only hope we had was to create. Create new things more. At a faster pace than the void can control. But I had given up hope. Oh no. I'd given up hope. Oh no.
Starting point is 00:27:25 I'd given up hope myself to battle the void myself to fill it with all of my own possibilities. My power, my magic, my charisma. So what are a couple of your possibilities? I could be a duo corn. If I wanted to be, I think I could be a great novelist. If I chose to be. I think so. You can spin a yarn. I'd make a wonderful sports illustrated magazine. The actual magazine? Yes.
Starting point is 00:27:56 I don't think you should sell yourself short. I think you could be on the cover of that. I'd be the cover, the pages, the feature, the interviews, every bit of it. Yeah. Well, or the body, the body adiatic, and the frontiantiantie. What then I could, but no longer can I be, I've given all my possibilities into the void, I poured them in. In a steady stream, until there was nothing left of me to give, I saved just enough magic to come here to you. That sounds like my marriage. You feel unfulfilled in your marriage? No, I just like gave a lot and then, you know, then he just kind of left.
Starting point is 00:28:35 He like disappeared, although I wasn't really sure that he disappeared. I just kind of thought he was busy. Sarah, I know we've only just met, but I want to draw your attention to the fact that you spoke of your marriage in the past tense. Oh my gosh, I did, didn't I? That's so weird, because he's not dead, you've seen him. I've, he could be dead, to be honest. It's quite possible. The world in which he now inhabits is fraught with peril. Danger around every corner.
Starting point is 00:29:03 Every corner? Every corner, even round ones. Oh, God, that's horrible. It's a good thing he doesn't move much. I mean, if you don't venture much, not much will happen, right? Not necessarily. There are forces in Foun
Starting point is 00:29:16 that would seek him out to seek to do him harm. If he were to have survived this long in Foun, he would have had to have become a great warrior. Arnie? I don't know about that. I mean, he might have told a couple good jokes, but I mean, warrior? I don't know. Oh, did I tell you?
Starting point is 00:29:37 I'm a sorts person. You did mention that. I don't know where it came from. I've yet to see proof. Oh, you want to see? Goal. Goal. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! there. Oh, that's right. I'm scared. Bring it on. By little spin text. Is shy. That's cute.
Starting point is 00:30:07 Well, good that he runs because that little spin text represents the one bit of magic that I have left. And I'm about to use him now. Our only hope is to bring Arnie back to you. Are we still talking about knitting today? Oh, hello. Is the thing, Koss. Hi, this is Sarah at the Wicked Knitting Radio Hour. We're talking about, gosh, we've really gotten, of course, of what this show is. So what's up? My name is Ronald C. Camp and I am working on Scarf for the last few
Starting point is 00:30:37 weeks and I made a couple of mistakes. Then I tried to incorporate those mistakes into the design and I made some more mistakes and I feel like it's just sort of a launch of nothing. I think while you were gone, maybe the government abducted you. Oh, oh my gosh, that's a lot to take in. I mean, first off, the mistakes are not mistakes. They're just imperfections and nothing is perfect in this world, so it's perfect just the way it is. It's really hard for me to accept.
Starting point is 00:31:00 But I hear what you're saying and I appreciate it. Sarah, may I interrupt? Please. Ronald? Yes. Tie that long scarf into a noose. And use it on your neck. On my own neck? I'm on your own neck.
Starting point is 00:31:18 Sarah and I have more important things to do. Oh, God, he's right, buddy. I'm sorry. You're going to have to either kill yourself or leave. Okay, well, um, things are taking my call. Um, I had a good run. Okay, so you only have a little bit of magic left. I want to help you.
Starting point is 00:31:36 Do you want my cell phone? What can I do for you? I can't use your cell phone. It's not as important as you seem to think it is. No, no, no, no. It's important to you. But I'll help you. Anyway, I can. And do you have any fresh fingernail clippings? I could make a few. Wait, hold on. Let me just bite these off.
Starting point is 00:31:54 Ah, gross. That's nasty. Well, listen, only the name of magic, you know? All right. So when you and Arnold wed, you created a bond between the two of you. Yes. I mean, it wasn't a religious one, but yeah, like legally, yeah, sure. And we will use the energy of that bond as a tether to draw him back into this realm. That would be amazing. Do you have anything of his?
Starting point is 00:32:23 Oh, God, I think I boxed everything up. Anything from his body, hair, sloughed off skin, a beard. Oh, I'm wearing his old sweater and I haven't washed it in four years. I'm sure it's full of dead skin. Yeah, here you go. Here, just pick anything off the inside of that. It's nasty. Wonderful, wonderful. Now I'll combine that with the the clippings, the fingernails here and put it in my wallet, little spin-tax and head around. I'm just going to get a picture of this. Hold on. Oh, sure. Can I put it in portrait mode? Hold on. Just give me a second. Do it from this side. This is my light. I know.
Starting point is 00:33:00 I just got to be eight feet away. Okay. All right. Okay. Perfect. Thank you. All right. Go ahead. Wonderful. All right. I'm going to reach my feet away. Okay, all right. Okay, perfect. Thank you. All right, go ahead. Wonderful. All right, I'm going to reach my hand deep into this wallet. Look how deep into the wallet I can reach my hand. Look at it. It goes up to my elbow, up to my shoulder. It didn't pop.
Starting point is 00:33:14 I'm such a mess. Yeah. See, I've got a hold of something. I've got a hold. Here it is. It's some, I feel like I feel it's a cloth or hair or something. I'm pulling it out. I'm pulling it out, I'm pulling it out.
Starting point is 00:33:26 Ah, ah, ah, ah! Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Chaos champion of the great holes of Tarakas the elves and we're you The door spin tax. Yes. What are you doing here? You said, what are you doing here? Oh? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I Ossera you said or oh you remember me. Oh my gosh. I totally remember you. Yes Yes, I had to send you back to earth so you wouldn't be shot into space. Oh My gosh. It's all coming back to me now. Do you know that's a song? Do you guys know this song? I know it.
Starting point is 00:34:07 What the, you do? Oh yes. Yeah, well you live in Los Angeles, so you've heard Selendian. Wait, I must know this song. Sing it for me, both of you. Right now. I've seen her in Vegas. Oh, is that so good?
Starting point is 00:34:17 Because I've heard it's phenomenal. Even if you're not a Selendian fan, I've heard it's great. I fell asleep. Oh, what a shame. Isador. Where, where, where, how did I get it. Oh, what a shame. Eesledore. Where? How did I get it?
Starting point is 00:34:26 Wait, Spin-tax, get this. He's the one that taught me to be a swords person. Yes, I taught her to be a master of the blade. Now she has the great prowess that I have with the sword. Oh, so you're only OK? Come on. How dare you. Now, spin-tax, have you returned a phone uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh I shall gather all the strongest knights and all the bravest warriors I have seen on
Starting point is 00:35:05 Twatatin and we shall ride forth in glorious battle. Spin-tax, have you want to find people to ride into glorious battle with? I could introduce you to a couple of drones. Drones? Yeah, there's just bees? Yeah, kind of. They're like made by man and they just kind of fly up in the air wherever men tell them to go and then they drop bombs and stuff. Oh, Sarah, I own a fleet of drones.
Starting point is 00:35:28 They, they, how, they're how I convey my army of coyotes. Oh my gosh, so you have maybe not the magic that you think of, but that's pretty magical. I think you're selling yourself shorts, but tax, I think you've got some stuff in your pocket. But, I mean, unless you're lying. But how did I end up here on Earth? It was my foolish attempt to bring Arnold back to Earth to help me fight the void.
Starting point is 00:35:49 Oh, does this mean Arnie's dead? No, no, Arnie's alive. He's going to be transbest man. I mean, he has to learn a lot of math between now and then, and I don't know how that's going to go. Wait, Arnie's going to be in a wedding? Chunch getting married. Yes. I'm going to miss it. Dish, sister. Well, he's been dating someone named Tussidor, who thinks there was it, but obviously isn't a wizard. But they do have bees for a crotch.
Starting point is 00:36:14 And they both have bees for a crotch? No, just Tussidor. Chump is a shapeshifter, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he definitely didn't have bees for a crotch when I met him. No, no, no. Tussidors, are they them?
Starting point is 00:36:24 Well, actually, he's been taxed. It's a he, he, him, they're preferred pronouns. Wonderful. But, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Chant is getting married. Yes, and Arnold is going to be the best man. Yes, and we are reading Pride and Prejudice, which you'll have to have read by December 10th.
Starting point is 00:36:37 But, uh, that's not the important thing right now. You know what the important thing is? Don't let Arnie swim the day of the wedding. Don't, what? What is this some sort of prophecy, Sarah? No, when we got married the day of our wedding, he went swimming and he jumped off a diving board and then he went to swim with his hands like to swim underwater and he scraped his hands up on the stucco.
Starting point is 00:37:02 And so when I walked down the aisle, I just saw a very happy man with band-aids all over his bloody ass hands. It was disgusting. He tried to swim through the bottom of the pool. He did. He's such an idiot. Anyway, what were you saying? In his defense, he's a very tall man. That's true, but he should know.
Starting point is 00:37:18 Yes, how deep was the pool? I don't know, like two feet. Yes, he should have known better. Spin-tex, or I'm sorry, used to go, oh my God, so sorry, I just called you Spin text. How dare you, that's so rude. You wish, so rude. This is my greatest rival and I do not wish.
Starting point is 00:37:33 Nay, I would never look upon a star and make such a fated temptation to become the fly and think of nothing so foul. But in your foolishness, you may have created an opportunity for us in now, for though Sarah and I are connected through our nethes fears. Gross! Hey, you, you're, you're gross. This is an opportunity to bring onion Sarah back together.
Starting point is 00:38:04 Yes, bring Arnie here, fun, fun, fun. Spin-tax with arc-and-bind power. Let us send Sarah to Foon. Wait, what? No, I don't want to go to Foon, I've got a kid. Hold my hands, it's all hold hands in the circle. Shit, sorry. But bad news, dude, I'm out of juice.
Starting point is 00:38:19 Well, I can spare a little, I can spare a little. Here, give me a kiss. Whoa. There, is that better? Yeah, I feel better. You guys have a real moonlighting spare a little. Here, give me a kiss. Whoa. There, is that better? Yeah, I feel better. You guys have a real moon lighting thing going on. What is this?
Starting point is 00:38:29 Slend the door. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, but the lighting in here is fantastic. Now let's just concentrate and repeat after me. Tereth Ben, Ten Ben. Tereth Ben, Ten Ben, Ten. Ten. Yum, Barath, Bar ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten. Oh, no. Now, spin-tax, how did you plan on getting back to Earth?
Starting point is 00:39:10 Because we both have to go that way. What? No! I was supposed to bring Arnie here. What? Hello? Hello. Who's there?
Starting point is 00:39:19 Uh, this is you, Sador. And this is spin-tax. The lines are open. This is something about weaving well not not not necessarily my name is detective josh richman with the did uh... chicano police department i'm in the apartment of the and dead real estate agents uh... congratulations but uh... this was the last number uh... she had called actually the last forty
Starting point is 00:39:42 calls were to this number and one text to Joe Pesci that said you up for another blowie? Does that mean anything to you? Means nothing to me. Does that mean anything to you? Joe Pesci, yes, that means a little something to me. All right, well if you think of anything please contact me. I'll leave my number with you.
Starting point is 00:40:03 Constable, we are two wizards from another world. Who do we speak to about trans-dimensional gates? Ah, you guys high? Are you high? I'm a little high! We had another dimensional swap! Guys, aren't we supposed to stop this kind of thing? This would never have happened if I were still in charge.
Starting point is 00:40:25 Let's see how much damage there is on the Hogsface side. He was here! What the fuck? You punched you so early, and he disappeared! I don't know! He just like, what about a puff of smoke? Why'd you start fighting us? I just, you know, what? I just felt like it had been building up for a couple hundred episodes We were just joking. We didn't actually mean play your dog. We meant play the heart, but when you asked
Starting point is 00:40:51 What's that noise? There's a noise from where you saw was standing is it? Is it or is he but that noise is so gross and yet music to my ears? Oh But that noise is so gross and yet music to my ears What the fuck is a talking badger? Jesus Christ stop looking to me Sarah. How do you fuck? Arnie Sarah is it really you wait a second are you a car food? What the fuck is a car food? Do you want to eat paint? What not anymore that sweater is way too big for you. It's Arnie's. It's your sweater. That's my old sweater
Starting point is 00:41:33 Well, don't recognize my old skin anywhere. Oh God. What is happening you guys? Is it really you? Yeah, I was just in another place. I was on Earth, I was with some wizards. You said, oh, has anybody seen my phone? No, I, oh, God. Chun has my phone usually. Why, you don't let anybody carry your phone? I know, over time. I've been married to you for 13 years,
Starting point is 00:42:00 you've never let me carry your phone. Yeah, I don't, we haven't been married that long, have we? Oh my God, how much time has passed? Oh, 15 years lucky to you for real? No, no, no, no, no. We've been married for like seven or eight. We've been together for like 12 or 13. Oh my God, you really are Sarah.
Starting point is 00:42:16 Why? I've been tricked somewhat. I never fell for it, but. Tricked into what? I'm gonna go to the Stay here, Badger stay here. Am I in trouble because I can tell he's lying and I can tell you're gonna truth me Sarah, I love you and I miss you and I've been trying so hard to get back Love pastes. I love you and I'm I miss you. What the fuck is going on here, Badgie? Nothing I he he he's been trying to get back to you
Starting point is 00:42:41 But there's been no way to do it. There's just been a lot of stuff. I have a list. Look, I have a list of things I've been trying to accomplish. You look like you're trying to hide something from me. What? I am not trying to hide. You're definitely, Baji. What's he trying to hide from me? We killed somebody. Oh, God. Really? Sarah, what happened to your arm? Oh my gosh. That is cool.
Starting point is 00:43:00 Let's see if city and arm. That's just used to it or knock it off, you see. I swear to God, I'm not used to it. I just the obsidian arm. That's just used to it. Knock it off, UC. Oh, for her. I swear to God, I'm not used to it. I just left him on Earth. He's with Spentax. Were you used to it on Earth? Yes, he's with Spentax. You saw Spentax?
Starting point is 00:43:12 Spentax. Yes, Spentax came through my phone and tried to tell me it was magic. He came for your phone? Yes. How many tried to tell you that that was magic? Yeah. Okay, this is very important.
Starting point is 00:43:23 Out of everything that's happened in the last few minutes. This is the most important. When you see Spin Tax again, please invite him to my wedding. Oh God, of course, by the way, congratulations. Thank you so much. You knew about it? Yeah, she did. They both dished and told me everything. I'm very excited to store a B-Cratch. Love it. Arnie, it's going to be a bit of a squeeze to get you a plus one. I want Sarah there. I do if she's still around But we've already sent her Listen, I want to come, but I gotta go back. I mean, we have a kid that needs a whole Shanday. How is she doing? She's great. I mean, never been happier. She's great. She's hilarious. She loves chup jokes
Starting point is 00:43:59 She's hilarious. She loves poop jokes. She gets the hilariousness from your side and the poop jokes from my side. Oh, I missed her. I missed you. I missed you too. She doesn't really know who you are. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why He's lurking around. He's everywhere in all places and times at once. That's his spell that sends people away. Wait, can I use the bathroom first? She's gonna go to space. She's gonna go to space. Maybe that word doesn't make sense to you.
Starting point is 00:44:35 On FUNE, the sky, past the sky, we call it space. Because we don't know what else to call it, but it occupies some amount of territory. Oh my god, she's going to the stratosphere. Well, no, I said space. Why are you guys talking about me, Liam? I'm not here. No, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:44:51 Sarah, you don't understand. You're in a world of magic. There is real magic, not just bullshit, like jumping out of someone's phone. Like people can do magical things here and they're very dangerous. And I think this yellow wizard who's very cool must have put a spell on you that's gonna
Starting point is 00:45:04 shoot you up into space when this noise is done. If you gotta go to the bathroom, you'd better go now. Okay, wait, I'll be right back. I don't, do you know how long this countdown is supposed to go? Um, okay, I'm back. Oh, that was very fast.
Starting point is 00:45:17 I didn't wash my hands. Oh, excuse me about 30 to 45 snaps of the finger. Five. You know what, even all this time, I'm still haven't been good at measuring things. Oh yeah, your fly was down. So anyway, it's about 30 to 45 snaps of the finger. Well now that your fly is up, I think Sarah, don't worry.
Starting point is 00:45:37 Yeah. If you're going into space, I'll stop it. I'll find a way to stop it. You can't stop shit. You're not going to stop it. I mean, I love you, but you can't stop this. I can do it. I'll stop it.
Starting point is 00:45:47 But you have been gone for like four years. Gaeli, Flickton, Comer. What? Ah, foot cut on fire. Sorry, sorry, that's really the already magic that I have. Sorry, buddy, friend. Yeah? Just hold her.
Starting point is 00:45:58 Hold her till she goes. Oh, yeah. Oh. I miss you. I miss you too. Am I gonna die now? No. I don't think so. I don't have a space you don't oh God oh no this sucks this does can you please get back to earth and pick up our daughter before six because daycare's about to close oh God we're gonna be paying a dollar for each minute. Oh, okay so expensive
Starting point is 00:46:23 All right, well, all the best. Hold your breath. Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry. What? John, do you know some dark magic, right? Can you bring her back? Uh, dark magic doesn't do that. Dark magic doesn't bring people back. It sends them away. Oh, I'm sorry, man. Magic doesn't do that, Turkmagic doesn't bring people back, it sends them away. I'm sorry, man.
Starting point is 00:46:46 This is all my fault. No, it's canned, it's cans fault. If anything, blame can. All this time. Fucking can. All this time, if I had been here, if I'd been better, if I hadn't been so scared about doing stuff, if I'd been more proactive and just set all my anxieties aside
Starting point is 00:47:00 and just like gotten back to Earth, this wouldn't have happened. And my wife wouldn't have been shot up into space. You tried, right? We all tried. You know, I tried and I failed. Well, aren't you can't do this stuff anymore? Let it know, room.
Starting point is 00:47:19 No room for what? We need someone that can get things done. Do you sit or is gone? We don't need you, sit or. Do you see the door's gone? We don't need you, Sidore. We have Carnival Wilson. I'm Carnival Wilson. The trickster, God, that Spin Tech's warned us about? I'm gonna get this back to Earth.
Starting point is 00:47:37 What's that looking to your eye? It's a trick. That's my butt. Come on, man. Carnival Wilson! Oh. Oh no! She was shot into space?
Starting point is 00:48:02 Why? I think she was still under the influence of Can the Wizard's spell from the last time she visited Foon, the one he cast on her to send her back to Earth, the long way by shooting her into space. Remember, must have retriggered when she returned to Foon. Nice one, Craig, seizing on a minor plot point from a hundred episodes ago. The AV Club comments section just burst into applause.
Starting point is 00:48:22 Wait, hold on, I don't get the space part. Isn't Earth a different dimension? Look, I don't have time to translate my answer from HBO down to TV land for you. The gist is that dimensional travel is just a shortcut across an infinite universe. Since the universe is indeed infinite, then, you know, everything exists somewhere. So Sarah is heading back to Earth, just through space. That's assuming you trust Can the Wizard's aim, which I don't. Even then, it could take centuries of travel.
Starting point is 00:48:49 Oh no! On the bright side, they picked a date for the book club. We should all try to have Pride and Prejudice read by December 10th, okay? Use it or the blue wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Badger was played by Adel Raffai. Sarah Mahur was played by Special Guests Sarah Mahur. Follow her on Twitter at Smaheraja. Smaheraja.
Starting point is 00:49:07 Oh yeah. SpinTechs The Green Wizard was played by Special Guests Charlie McCracken, check Charlie out on NBC's AP Bio, which he writes for and acts on. Oh good for you Charlie. Season 2 is coming in early 2019. Fancy Blamish was played ever so briefly by Martin Wilson. Boring even in small doses. A little from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Rindy Georgie, and Evan Jacover,
Starting point is 00:49:26 this episode edited by Garrett Schultz. The Magic Tavern theme and the wicking knitting theme songs were composed and performed by Andy Poland. Hey guys, I've picked up a reading on Sarah in space. I thought we were past that. She's definitely alive. The Magic seems to have put her in some kind of protective stasis, but I can't figure out where she's going.
Starting point is 00:49:45 Sounds like a podcast, I know. Well, I'll try to keep an eye on her. At least it's something. So it all worked out. One I'm hearing is the new choreo-wheel is asexas. So... mutiny. Oh, definitely. Lord and ladies, welcome to Scrooke Illinois. Medieval times!
Starting point is 00:50:07 I am Disney. I am come here, and I need my help. Take fine swords and my courses and my Pepsi's. And follow me to glory. Everyone, follow me! I am not with you. I am not with you. I am not with you.
Starting point is 00:50:24 I am not with you. I am not with you. I am not with you. I am not with you. I am not with you. Take thine swords and my forces and my Pepsi's and follow me to glory. Everyone follow me! I'm not with him. You are so clearly with me.

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