Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 87 - Blue and Green

Episode Date: November 26, 2018

Usidore and Spintax host a web radio show from Chicago. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSpintax: Charlie McCrackenAssorted Radio Callers: Sarah MaherCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern and Wiccan Knitting Theme Musics: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey everybody, it's a little quiet up here in the space bugger, running to my shore wheel. Trisha is supposed to be here helping prep the transmission, but my underlings have been less than punctual recently. Honestly, it's kind of a relief though. When they're here, I have to be all empirical, and it's a lot of pressure. Sometimes I just want to be Craig. Anyway, the holidays are coming up, so the Magic Tavern merch makes a great holiday gift. I mean, an okay holiday gift. Check out a little from themagictavern.com for links I just want to be Craig. Just, you know, go to helloforthemagictavern.com and shop from there. It's easier, but you'll get the idea. Enjoy the show. Hello for the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About a week ago, I had a psychotic break and I realized that I could no longer be Arnie

Neekamp, and so I decided to become the trickster god, Carnival Wilson. Everything Arnie couldn't do to get back to Earth to feed the devour Wilson. Everything Arnie couldn't do to get back to Earth defeat the devart. Everything that Arnie couldn't do to, everything that Arnie? Buddy, buddy, slow down. You gotta slow down. Take a breath, Arnie, take a breath. No, no, you don't have to keep doing the show.

Let's stop the show for a little bit. No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm just, Arnie can't get through this part of the intro, but Carnival Wilson can. Everything that Arnie couldn't stop turning around when you say the new name. How do you like my cape, by the way? I hate it.

I told you I hate it. Everything that Arnie couldn't do to defeat the void, get back to Earth and defeat the Dark Lord, Carnival Wilson can do. If you're gonna wear it, can you at least make it longer? It looks so dumb. What? I'm very tall.

Make it longer and put it on your back, not your front. It just looks like you're tucking a bib in. I'm just eating. Ah, it's not like... Not what a cape does. Anyway, I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunth, the shape shifter. Oh, yeah, baby, listen.

Arnie, buddy, champ, friend, please, it's Karni. Karni, we don't have to do the show, let's take a break. No, because the show is how I get information about what's going on on Earth, and that's how we're gonna get back to Earth. Okay, listen, I've got... So I broke into the library. What?

I broke into the library, and I stole a bunch of books, so I've been doing some research on how we can get back to Earth. What did you find? I mean, I'm curious. Well, I found a couple maps. I found... well, I found an old security guard, but we don't have to worry about him anymore. Wow. Did you... did you... you said no more killing? Look, don't worry, Chunt. I know. Arnie has a rule, no killing. This carny have a rule? Carny, well, don't get no rules. Ugh.

Carny, have a Wilson! Motherfuck! I like your confidence. Thank you. Carny, I'm gonna do something like that. Top hat, by the way. Oh, thank you so much. D-D-D-Do-D-Do-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- I don't know what you mean. But, uh, Chunk, how are things going with the wedding preparations? Good, I mean, I am concerned about, um, the best man's speech, if that makes sense.

Mm-hmm. Karni, does that make sense? Don't worry. I'll have the perfect speech. I'll have a speech that no one will forget. I'm not seeing you. Good, good, yeah, make it memorable. Oh, yes.

Yes, yeah, good. They'll never forget. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm writing of Chantin' Toothsador. Oh, that sounds amazing. Thank you, buddy. You might say, it would be the end of the world. In the world.

I can't back that one up. That was a little hyper, that was a little hyper, hyper, hyper, hyper, hyper was a little hyper, hyper. Slow down buddy. Slow down buddy, you got it. Hyperbolic. You said you went to the library? Well you just checked out maps.

What's this? Next time grab a book, huh? What? You just, yes, yes, grab a book. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey Craig again. This hogsface stuff is honestly getting a little boring for me and since no one's here to stop me, how about we check in on what's going on with Usador on Earth, huh? Yeah, let's do it. It's not Chicago knitting and supernatural! Welcome. Normally, at this time, you would hear the Chicago knitting and supernatural hour. But this week, I present to you, hello from the normal household.

I am Yusudor, your host, and this is my co-host, Spintax the Green. Hello everybody! Well, about a week ago I was transported into a very normal world and decided that I would host a show where I talked about the differences in this world with my good friend SpinTax, and together we're raising a beautiful little four-year-old girl who is now archage. I've taken the calling the girl phone. I like phone, I haven't settled on phone, but it's a definitely a contender. It was the thing that her mother loved most in the world. Yes.

So I can only assume that she would name her daughter the same. That's a very good contender, but I'm leaning towards Anna and Elsa. And again, I say she's one girl, you sador. But she keeps saying Anna and Elsa, Anna and Elsa, Anna and Elsa. She apparently loves that name. Well, I think it's two names. When you have a free moment and you can watch Frozen, you'll understand. I've yet to actually watch any films since I've been here.

I'm very much looking forward to it. We're quite busy raising our daughter. And living apparently what some people on this planet thinks in alternative lifestyle. Most people are pretty cool with it Most people get some looks where we get some looks and I'm not sure because of its two men raising a small girl or if it's because We're wizards and sometimes we're floating our cloud and people don't seem to float on clouds here Have you seen anyone floating our cloud? I have in a video game Meet some sort of a turtle that throws hammers. Well maybe we should start throwing hammers.

They would understand that for sure. Alright, well, the next time I'm out, watch out for a hammer. Yes, by fitting in perfectly, by floating on a cloud and throwing hammers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've been living in the Hollywood Hills. But I've been away from it now for almost a week. Who knows how my coyotes fare? Yes, yes, you have a whole thalinks of coyotes, I believe. Correct. I have a corral, the wild coyotes of the Hollywood Hills attach them to various hoverboards and drones

and I use them to prowl the countryside, ridding them of... mmm... deplorables? Ah, I see. Uh, uh, and how do you... how do you decide... uh, who to attack with your coyote drones? I let the coyotes decide. Very clever.

You can always trust the instincts... of a coyote. Yes, they're very mistrustful of small dogs. Eh, well, that's fair. Seems to be their favorite target. Well, what else do we want to discuss on the show this week? We should speak of the girl again. I think phone has a good opportunity to grow up to perhaps

come to phone and become some sort of sorceress or a mage or some sort of necromancer. I believe she could follow in our footsteps. I have been teaching her little by little to look into the future. I've given her an obsidian disc through which to peer, to scry. Where did you get an obsidian disc? They have them. They have them here. They have them?

Certainly. novelty shops. They're called a Spencer's gifts. If we have them sitting in discs, why aren't we building a contraption to get ourselves back to food? We could align the discs along with certain gems and mystical stones so it creates a physical portal. I am telling you, Yusidor Magic works differently here. I am telling you, that you're a coward and a fool. I've heard that before, Usador. Yeah, well, anyway, this week we also would like to take some phone calls. I know you're normally used to speaking about knitting and the supernatural, but instead we'll just have

to talk about normal things. Like, for instance, while we're waiting for a cult come in, a spintx I understand that you had a job for quite a while. Yes, I was a consulting producer for season 14 of Supernatural on the CW. Didn't make it to season 15, I see. I am no longer there, and besides it got tiring. Every season resolves the same way, of the brothers is a dead or turned evil It's the same thing they just swap it over and over Yes, Colin go ahead hi

Hi, my name's Lorelae I was calling because it sounds like you guys are talking about raising kids and I could use a little help Oh, okay, well yes, we're very, we've become very familiar in this last week with normal earth things, so ask away and we shall solve all of your problems. Okay, great. So I have four-year-old twins and they're your twins. And twins? They're two of them twins, two twins.

All right. And they're both four years old. Yep, they both came out at the same time. Which one is evil? Oh, both. Oh, that's a good one. I'm just saying. I literally cannot get them to stay in their beds.

Like they will get up for anything. And they study up to like 11 o'clock at night. I'm to the point where I can't even watch my programs. It's very understandable that you'll be upset. Now, our daughter, phone, goes to bed quite easily, and she sometimes makes up little stories about why she needs to be up, and she needs another drink of what it's very cute,

but she's tried to manipulate us, and we know better. So we'd simply tell her to go back to bed, and we calmly let her work it out if she gets upset or she cries. All right, all right. Okay. One thing that I like to do is I tell phone that there's a dragon in her closet, right? It's a dragon. This is good. This is good. I mean, that first guy was lying. I hate lying parents, you say, oh, we just do the right thing and our kids does the right thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, can survive the night is if she is asleep, because the dragon's allergic to dreams. Yes, and if things go particularly ill on a particular night with phone, I will cast

a spell of binding. Oh, you're such a liar. Thank you, other one. That was very helpful. Thank you. Hello from the normal household go ahead. Oh, hey, yeah, my name is Greg. I'm actually a psychiatrist I kind of take issue with some of the things that yes Greg. I've been listening to past episodes of the show I know you're Greg debonnie and you've been calling into the show for a while. Well, yeah, it's Greg

Dubonnie Greg Dubonnie. Yes, yes, Don't confuse it with the show Greg Dubunny. I don't know what that is, but go ahead. Well, you have been on Earth. If I'm understanding, correctly, from what I've listened to this episode, you've been on Earth for a week, and you went back and listened to two to three years of a web radio program. I didn't say I listened to all of it. I said I listened to enough to come here

and to continue the tradition, much as I spent a lot of time thinking reading books about child-raring here in this world. I can just tear them up and eat them because I remember everything I eat. Well, anyway, I have a little bit of issue with the things that the Dalek said about raising children, how he said that he told the phone that there is a dragon in her closet. I'm sorry, did you say the Dalek were you referring to spin-tax?

Yeah, he's a Dalek, right? I am not a Dalek! Well, yeah, and now this is an earth term I'm unfamiliar with. Is that some sort of, uh, allegiance to some sort of society or kingdom becoming a valid- So you're an imaginary automaton, you sadore, an imaginary automaton. It's a way, why would you think that to my co-host there's an imaginary automaton? Oh, I guess you just, I'm sorry, it's just not a visual medium, I just, uh, sounded like a dog to me. I-I'm speaking in complete sentences.

Never one time I said destroy or whatever it is they say. Like, exterminate. You know what? This is my fault. It's my fault because I learned a long time ago. Greg, stay out of pop culture stuff. Greg, don't do references. Remember that Greg de Bunny.

Greg, why did you say you're actually a psychologist? That's a great question, Spentax. Why did you say that? I'm actually a psychologist, such as the way I almost always end up having to say it in conclusion. Well, yes, but I never go someplace and say, hello, I'm Yusudon, I'm actually a wizard.

I just say, I need you. You are actually a wizard. Well, yes. Oh, okay. And so, it's Spentax, we're both wizards. Yeah, we don't go around imagining that people think us otherwise, and then correct them as the first thing we say, what is it you think people think of you Greg the bunny? That's a great point, spin-tax. I think perhaps Greg is dealing with some

serious self-esteem issues. What you need to do is you need to believe in yourself, you need to trust in yourself, and you need to drink a gallon of goat's blood every weekend. Wow, you're like a regular Niles crane. What? You're like a regular Niles crane. Do you know what that is? Spintex? Yes, I know who Niles crane is. A psychologist, a psychiatrist, an imaginary psychiatrist. Get a life, Greg! Why are you so obsessed with imaginary things? Move on! Live in the real world like we do now. Yes, that's right. You can call in anytime. This is Hello from the Normal Household. We are raising our four-year-old daughter phone to be the greatest necromancer in all of food. And I'm making her very, very chubby.

Hello, is anyone there? Hello. Ah, yes, go ahead, call her, what's your name? Yes, hi, this is Bailey. Um, I'm... Hello, Bailey. Hello, I'm... Greetings. Hello, I am from a buttons academy preschool.

Salutations. Yes, you are a phone's guardians, is that correct? That is correct. Yes, we make the other team. Parking lot. Um, as make the other two parking lots. As I told you then, I will guard her life from any threat that you can throw at her. Yes, fireballs, volcanoes, orcs.

What are some of the threats, Spentaxes? Spears, knives, ghosts. I just call to let you know that phone came in today covered covered in bird feces Uh-huh, and I'm calling child services, so I just wanted to give you a heads up Well, I have to take issue with that. I don't think you have the right to call child services Oh no? Our daughter is covered in bird feces so she can learn to become friends with birds. Friends with birds. Well that brings me to the other thing I want to mention.

Today she stared out the window, furrowed her brow, and then a starling slammed into the window and died. Is that funny? Excuse me? Wait and go phone! Yes well starlings are the most evil birds, I don't know, maybe the dragon and the closet that eats thoughts. Maybe that guy wants to eat. It only eats child's waking thoughts. Pay attention to the details. You've got nothing to fear. Yes, you're fine. Expect a visit. Well, oh, we're gonna have a visitor.

How fun. I'll put a kettle on. I'll make a delicious meal. Uh, hi. Oh, yes, sorry. Call meal. Uh, hi. Oh, yes, sorry, call her, go ahead. I was just calling because, um... Sorry, what's your name?

Oh, do I have to say? Oh no, your real name! Your true name! Dr. Drew. Hello, Dr. Drew. Hello. Listen, I just want to point out that you could cut the sexual tension with the knife here. And so I'm just wondering, can we get a little background into your relationship?

Well, we've known each other for centuries. Have you seen each other naked? Yes. Yes, we used to live together in the halls of Turokos. Yes, when we were roommates, we would scrub each other down and hold each other closely at night, but we are bitter enemies. Are you sure? Yes, I'm just raising a child together now.

Yes. I consumed six DVD seasons of my two dads, so I know exactly how this works. OK, so... Stacey Keenan. What? Paul Reiser. Huh? The otheriser. Huh?

The other guy. Uh... And the judge. Okay, well, I guess you guys are in the dark about it, but everyone else can see it. Oh, so... You think that, oh wait, let's get into this. Let's pay, let's pay honor to what this caller said. You believe that SpinTax and I...

Uhhhhhh... Have some sort of tension between twisters that could be settled by engaging in quietness. I don't think it could be settled. I think you're engaging in it all the time. There is an intimacy between you two that's pretty, pretty, pretty solid. Now I will say this. We are inextremely linked.

It is true. And the one time we tried to make love, we nearly destroyed an entire mountain. And I don't think that mountain has ever fully recovered. No. That's hot. Well, it's not hot for the mountain. It's not hot for the mountain or the mountain people

that lived upon it and depended on it for their livelihood. The dwarves that lived within it. I'm gonna bet a thousand dollars that those dwarves are selling tickets to tourists right now to give them a spot on the mountain to fuck. Well, as they probably call it, Wizard Fuck Mountain. Yes, how do you know that? You speak dwarfish? No, just logical, just a logical leap.

Well, I'm gonna be honest. Since I started raising this child a week ago, my libido is in the toilet. I literally shit out my libido. I've had to go elsewhere to fulfill my needs. Oh. For certain. What?

Yes, do tell. Yes. Can you on? I go out. You know, well, everyone's asleep. Once, once, with Yusudor enters the wizard's state and phone is busy, fending off the dream dragon, I walk the streets of Chicago, looking for rough trade. Say it's slower.

I find all manner of company. There's no shortage of lonely people seeking refuge in the arms of another in Chicago. Oh, spin-tax. We're trying to raise a child together now and create a home and you're out in the streets every night. Where's your heart? Yeah. Where's my heart spot?

Sort of in the middle of my body, the crotch area, mostly. You could just think a big swipe at it, just sort of like smack at it. I gotta go. Goodbye, Dr. Drew. I don't think that was a doctor. I'm pretty sure it was not a doctor. Now, Spin-tax, this is a segment of the show that we talked about before we wanted to have on.

It's household tips. We believe that there are certain things that everyone can do that are very easy to cooperate into everyday lives. Yes. Yes! Yes, and this is the first world we came up with. Since we're living where Arnold and Sarah used to live, we've decided that even though they had many stories to their house and their basement, we decided it would be much easier if everything was in one tall column, sort of more like

a tower to help protect the child phone. So we've rearranged all the rooms of the house into a single tower, keeping the rooms as they were, but now there's a simple spiral staircase that goes all around it, and all you need to do to turn your house into such a tower is to cause cast a spell of room relocation. It's quite wonderful and the phone that phone has with her slinky is immense. Yes, yes. Oh, how that slinky doth slink.

Hahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and scokey Illinois. A troncy it's a pleasure to meet. More beautiful time. Oh, remember, mead of times we had fun there this week. Yes, I was in Paris, but I had a good time after a while. I am calling to air grievances and in terms of my best ten nights have scampered off into the night with you. Well, I... Magic man.

To be fair, I've been tweeting at them for years, trying to get them to go with me. On some sort of question, now I'm finally here, and I can- in person, raise the flags and then call the clocks and hoon to have them follow me upon my quest. Yes, I've heard rumour and tell that you are raising an army in your backyard, that my ten knights are training underneath you when you're wizard partner. Yes, that's correct. We've created a small camp around the tower where all of the soldiers sleep at night to else that's also a great way to protect your child is to recruit nights and soldiers to live in or around your home. No this. I will get them back.

No this. You've had an earth's path and speak like that. Yeah, very, you're going to be full of yourself, Johnson. Yes. I will tempt them with $17 an hour and I will get them back. Oh, you tempt away, Johnson. You may fly your money in their face. You may throw bills at them, but I tell you this. I have offered them a true opportunity at heroism and greatness. money in their face you may throw bills at them, but I tell you this.

I have offered them a true opportunity at heroism and greatness, and they have not shied away from the challenge. They are prepared to travel with us back to Foon, to help defeat the Dark Lord and defeat to the void, and when we are finished doing that we shall come here and smite any evil that still may harm phone. Sorry I'm taking notes, this is a very good storyline. Write this down, Trancy. While you're speaking, I teleported into your domicile, hit a rope, not at nine times.

If you don't find it by the time the midnight strikes, you will die. You'll choke to death! Wait, guys, it's Scott, my- my role in Scott, please don't do this. Goodbye, Scott. Goodbye. To me, huh? Hey, it's Dr. Drew, I'm still in the line. Oh, hello, Dr. Drew.

I don't know how to work this phone. Skoky Scott called you guys partners. You guys didn't say anything. Well, we are partners. We're working together to try to find what we made a list. We're trying to work our way back to food. We're trying to defeat the void. We're trying to defeat the dark lord.

There's some zoning issues with turning the house into a tower. You know, we're working through the list as quick as we can. Speaking of lists, I work for a Women's Magazine. We do a lot of lists. Could I get maybe a quick list of the top 10 things to do on WizardFuckMountain? Sure, we can do one, let's take turns, we'll alternate through this, I'll start number 10. Sure, you take the odds, I'll take the events. Perfect.

Number 10. Oh, we're starting at 10. I thought we'd count up. Number 10, fuck a wizard. Number 9, watch a wizard, fuck a wizard. Number 8, drink watera Wizard! Number 9, Wattawizard, F***a Wizard! Number 8, Drink water from the puddles left, from the imprint of a wizard's ass! Number 7, Take a golden egg, Smash it in your hand! Blow the gold pieces into the wind, and watch them settle surly upon the supple and nude body of a wizard!

Number 6, Turn left, and then halfway left once more, and look into your own future long enough to see how your parents will die. Number five, try or apple pie. Number four, greet a dwarf, marry his daughter, have a long life with them. Know that their tears will bring you joy. Number 3. Look into the Scrine Pool and know what it pain truly means. Number 2. Step up up in the stump and tell a story. And number 1. Try to work your way between two wizards who are fucking.

This is so steaming hot. Now Dr. Drew, now that I don't know how to hang up on anyone on the phone, could you tell me, you work for a wizard's magazine, you said? No, I work for a women's magazine. A women's magazine. I see. What is it exactly that you do for the magazine? I write lists. You write lists. You write lists. Listical. And you're very into the sexual lives of wizards.

Very into the sexual lives of anything. Very into skin tips. Very into clothes. Excellent, excellent. Do you have any good... I have a terrific skin tip. Let's hear it. Do you got a list? Because we could use another list. It's a step by step list. Step number one. Start just below the windpipe. Sever that.

First. Those are going to start there. Then convertically down the sternum, down through the guts and around the anus. That's step two. Careful not to puncture any of the internal organs. Number three, pull out the anus and the windpipe and all of the guts in between. Leave those in the woods for critters.

Then slowly, flay the skin from the body and let it dry for two days. And then you can tan it in some sort of, you can use the brains of the beast or acorns and things like that to create a brine in which to tan the hide but that is the best way to make skin into leather. So it's like a vampire facial nice. Yes, yes, also moisturize. Oh yes, oatmeal. I gotta go do something. Bye. Goodbye. Spin Tax. I do fear that we may be trapped here for some very long amount of time. And I am happy to take on this new chapter in my life where I do raise phone. And I do work side by side with he who was my greatest enemy and at once the same time my friend But what shall become of us?

Week after week as people keep tuning in to hear Hello from the normal household What do you see in the future spin-tax? I can imagine us going on a weekend trip to the country who Not finding a room that we thought we had reserved and perhaps having to camp out overnight somewhere? That'd be an adventure. Ugh, I'm frustrated already.

For I'm so facetious I would hate to sleep and tend upon the ground. I demand a cabin. But I think we should go with the flow. Ugh. Ugh. Ha ha ha. Ah, yes, those are sorts of wonderful stories. You'll hear every week here on Hello. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! years, eh? We now have an opportunity to create joy and and togetherness here in this new world, this world that is so divided and to raise a beautiful daughter to a strong and

smart and relentless. I, she shall fight for goodness as surely as you and I do, and I shall No! No! No! No! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Thank you. Oh, that's nice. I feel myself returning to food though. You must take care of phone in my absence Damn it. I'm gonna eat her. No, don't eat her. Don't eat her. Whatever you do protect her. Swear this to me now I'm not a good guy. I just been tax this one oath you must take protect phone at all costs Fine Protect phone at all costs. Fine. Fine. Good bye. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Huh. It seems like the spell that brought you to the order of Earth was too fragile to keep in there, and it's reversing itself. In Wizarding Circles, they call this the status quo effect.

He'll probably end up back on food. But let's turn into Hogs face to double check. 33, 57, and 94. Open the envelope and see if I'm right. See if I guessed your numbers correctly. All right. Carnival Wilson. Ah. I'm available. I'm a little raw.

I have returned. Yeah, I have come back to Foon to find my way towards evils, blight and destroy. Oh, I like your cape. You said or hey, buddy Usadors back. Yes, Shetty. What the fuck is that arm? You got a little lady arm. Oh, yeah I think Sarah got my arm and I got hers. Oh, I kind of forgot about it. It just got used to it But you said yeah, don't look at me like that to it. My wife's on.

But you sit on it. Yeah, don't look at me like that. You sit on it. You sit on it. You sit on it. You're from my hands. No. That is not going to happen.

I have spent a week on earth raising your daughter, phone. And now, Spintax has made a solomoth to me that he shall protect her in the tower that is your home, surrounded by the knights that died it gather. But where's Sarah? She got shot in the space buddy. I told you. Oh right. Can uses that dumb ass spell to send people up into the air.

Did she appear back here when I disappeared? Yeah. And she shot up in the space because of a chance spell. She shot up in the space. Oh. Well you never said the spell kills you. There's probably some sort of protective field. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, there probably is.

Do you want me to go to the Astral Plane and look throughout the universe for her real quick? No. I will do it. I will go to the Astral Plane. Oh shit, you sort of got to tell me. Carnival Wilson! Booster God! We'll go to the Astral Plane. WOOOOOO! We'll go to the astral plane. Oh! I got to tell you, Arnie thinks he's carnival, so now he keeps saying there is no Arnie, only carnie.

Oh no. It's pretty bad. But we're doing a mental episode. Oh! I'm back from the astral plane. Can? No. Oh.

I'm back from the astral plane. It's remarkable how much you sound like can when you're out of breath That would be I'm back from the astro plane. Sarah's all right. She's in space, but she's totally all right Nothing bad. It will ever happen to her. How did you do that? I Used my magic Uh-huh, or anyone to the library and check out some maps Magic. Uh-huh. Are anyone to the library and check out some maps?

Mm, I see. Oh, dole some maps. And he killed a security guard. Well, no, it's not a murder until anyone finds the body. Well, if you got some maps then obviously, you know how to do magic now. You know how to do Mappic? Oh, do you know how to do Mappic?

Yes. Do you know about Mappic? Mm-hmm. Then do some. No, you do some first. Give me that map. Here you go. T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- Alright, back to the mental episode. Let's start thinking each other. Try and guess the number I'm thinking of. Potato. That's what it was? Alright, I'm gonna go break into the ruffled feather, see if I can get some sort of magic drugs and maybe some weapons and

rough some people up and see if they have any information about how to get to other dimensions. I keep telling you, on Fune, they're just called drugs. There's no such thing as magic drugs. They're just drugs. Yeah. You're so naive. Uh-oh, honey. I'm concerned about this aberrant behavior. Perhaps you should have a red potion. What?

Perhaps you should have a healing potion. Maybe you just want to take the edge off, but only one. And when you have to do it in front of us, we'd rather you do it here in the tavern than out there in the world. You're used to doing what I would prefer you do it here in the tavern than then you know out there in the world you know. Okay. You're used to do what I would prefer you do it here so we can watch you and make sure that you don't get up to any trouble.

Okay, I'll humor you if you think this will make you feel better. Boy, one red potion! I think. There we go. You said I'm sorry, fancy blemish. Diad while you were gone. Oh no, that happened before I left. Oh.

It's so hard to keep track of that. Yeah. There you go. We at least just like rush his face with that hand. Thank thanks. Thanks for the red potion you said are you? Unchunked. You're right. That was just what I needed. Who are we talking to? Talking to Arnie. Good. Yeah although Spentax is probably going to eat that kid, right? The use of the door the wizard was played by Matt Young. John The Badger was played by Adel Refin. Spin Tax The Green was played by special guest Charlie McCracken. Check out Charlie on the NBC show AP Bio. Season 2 is coming soon.

Assorted radio collars were played by Sarah Mahor. Although from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Rhyme DeGeorgie, and Evan Joccover, this episode edited by Tim Joyce. The Magic Tavern theme as well as the Wicked Knitting theme were written and performed by Andy Polent. And... Oh, no, no, what? Is that the escape hot alert? Who's using the escape hot and why isn't it me? I don't see if I can pull up the inner...com... Hello, hello!

Hey, sorry. It's me, Arne. Oh, it's robot Arne. I'm not a robot, but Hey, sorry, it's me Arnie. Oh, it's robot Arnie. I'm not a robot, but yeah, sorry, I'm taking off and heading to Earth. With Sarah Hurtling through space somewhere and Arnie's still trapped in food, there's a 40-year-old on Earth that needs somebody and I don't think Spin-ta-X and an army of Renfair performers is good enough. So I'm gonna do it. Release I'm gonna try?

I can raise a kid, I think. I think, how hard could it be? Sorry to take off like this, I know you need someone in the space bunker to occasionally pretend to speak about behind the scenes stuff for the podcast, but some things are more important. Like family. So if you'll excuse me, I have a life to go be a part of. Oh shit, everyone is growing up and accepting their responsibility to make the world a better place. Even though I'm emperor now, I feel like in a lot of ways I have the most growing up to do it.

This is really making me think. Oh, also Magic Tavern shirts, posters, pins and magnets make great holiday gifts. And it's a nice way to help support the podcast. You can find links at hellofromthemagictavern.com. Okay, that's it. Initiating ejection sequence. Bye forever. Okay, that's more on brand. Greg, you're doing fine. We're gathered here today by me an actual priest to mourn the loss of Scott Glasshouse. Scott follows his sister Barbara to death. Barbara of course eaten inside and out by frogs.

Scott wished the way by some magical rope. Is there anybody here who would like to say something about to this beast? My name is Devon and I'm the blue knight and I left Scott and he needed me most. I checked a little girl into wizards and I feel terrible about it. But I'm here today to set it right and to remind everyone that working at minival times is the most important job you'll ever have in your entire life. It's okay. I, uh, my name's Greg. I'm actually a psychiatrist so if anybody wants to talk, does anybody's in need just ask for Greg to bunny?

Thank you for offering your services. Can I ask, was it weird that I started a funeral with work gathered here today? Did that make anybody think wedding? Uh, I don't know, probably. But put it in people's heads, I guess. I didn't really. I was just thinking, I was going over my speech in my head

when you were enjoying it. So I really, I miss that part. So I didn't really know either of these people that well. Ash's to ashes. Dust to dust. You guys going to eat those ashes?