Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 88 - Mittens and Literature

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Larry Birdman stops by with updates on the Hogsface mittens stadium and what he’s currently reading. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLarry Birdman: Rush HowellMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Oh, the weather outside is a vacuum. But the fire off the starboard bow is the result of that close call with the spontaneous

helium flare this morning. Well you're in a chipper mood after all the interdimensional mayhem two weeks ago. Yes, decorating the bunker for the holidays always puts me in fine fetal. Let's see, we can let the all-seeing Onyx Eye of holiday awareness hover there by the ventilation shaft, and I'll move these fuel pods to make room for the bluff on the shelf. Oh yeah, how does bluff on the shelf work again? Well, the bluff are erased without eyelids, vocal cords, or the need to rest. So, the bluff sits on the shelf, witnessing everything we do during the holiday season. And then it keeps all that information to itself

and tells no one. Finally, on December 26th, it dies. That is hardwarming. Ugh, does it have to stare like that while I hang up the trinket to Pository pouches? Yes, yes it does. Just think soon those pouches will overflow with holiday loot.

Much of it from Potswag. It's where you can get the cool offices and bosses shirts and the weird but fun magic tavern dress up magnet set. Hey, I'm looking at the calendar. Does anyone know who reserved one of the conference rooms under the heading Mutiny chat? Uh, doesn't it just do that automatically? Once a month? Yeah, that sounds right. It happens along with the Java update. Oh, look incoming transmission., and now enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp, if you need me to be.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know about three and three quarters years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift from the Burger King, and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur in the town of Hogg's face in the land of Foon. And someday, I'll escape and if I have to rip a hole through all of time and space and

destroy this whole dimension to get home. Hey, I'm joined as always by my good bud. Shunt the talking badger. Oh, yeah baby. Baby. Are you? Are you doing okay? I'm just feeling, um, I'm feeling really sick.

I don't know if I should come on the podcast. Shunt? You're feeling sick? Yeah, I just, I don't feel well and I feel like I should use one of my remember early on you a lot of us each 10 Sick days You use a couple of those and you told me that you were not sick, but you're just gonna use it Well, you said they don't carry over So I just use them so I'm gonna use what?

Because I don't Chunk do you think that kind of a Wilson wouldn't know when you were trying to pull a fast one on him? But the trickster got a fune wouldn't know when you were trying to lie about being sick, and... And also, you don't even bother to like... Move your body in a sickness way, just totally voice. You told me that on Earth, people call in sick, and you said it's all vocal play. You said you usually tested out a little bit on your own, and you're like, I can't, I can't and then you call up your work and you tell them you can't come in. Fine, I'm not sick. Doesn't work that way if I can see you. You're literally dancing around while you said that. It felt so good. I got a little jingle in my body.

You just look so healthy. I'm so energetic. Why do you want to get out of the podcast? I don't want to get out of the podcast. I was just worried because I don't know who's going to show up of it's going to be Arnie or Carnival Wilson and I don't want to record with Carnival Wilson. Didn't you hear the intro? I'm Arnie right now because the podcast needs Arnie and Ecamp. Good, happy, go lucky, doofus from Earth and not Carnival Wilson. He's always working an angle and is going to figure out some way to get back home and save his family, even if everyone else everywhere has to die on his way there. That's not fear you get to call yourself a Dufus. Anytime I say it, I get popped on a note.

That's true. You doof. Bob. Well, be the puppy. I bet it, baaah. My favorite song, Doofbop. I-oh, hey, I'm also joined by another lovable Doofus Yusidor the Wizard. I am Yusidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fizziest master of light and shadow,

manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, trebion of the Great Pals of Turokus the elves, Nomius Fieñelik, the Dwarves Nomius Zonen in Oostanges, and I am known in the North East as gasp-winningest maestor, and there may be other secret names, and doofus be not to mug them. Ladyhand, Carnival, woman arm. Oh, yes, I suppose, yes. We've got a workstiny.

Some sort of new nickname in there based on his arm. Well, it's not my arm, technically. It's Sarah. Sarah, Sarah. But, as you can see, I did, I did grow some extra hair on it to make it a little more manly this week. Sarah, sit-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it-it- How Sarah's doing by the Sarah arm that you have instead of your obsidian arm? Yes, if I concentrate for a butter moment, I can feel soft breeze blowing across my skin. She's landed somewhere safe. Hmm. Oh, somewhere breezy.

Somewhere breezy. Earth? I know not. I only have the sensation of what she just feel. Okay, and you know, that's a good thing because I've always thought Sarah is a easy breezy beautiful woman oh You said or would you mind if I held your hand during the podcast? No, of course not please. Oh my God It's just very comforting. Do you guys mind if I put my hand in the middle as well? You know, this is a thing between me and you know, that makes sense

It's I mean just you don't want to try I had to shoot my you. Okay, no, that makes sense. That's... I mean, you don't want to try. I had to shoot my shot. Yeah, just, I don't want you to be a third-hand. No, just, I just shoot my shot. What is that? Shoot my shot. Do not shoot your shot into my hand and my wife's hand.

And I shoot it somewhere. I'll be right back. Oh, this is... It's a fine deal. He has a good point. He has to shoot it somewhere. He's so healthy. Now, carnival.

Yes, to speak to you. Yes. Our machinations are coming together, though I have lost my obsidian arm, which I was so certain was the key to defeating the void. Careful, that doofus will be back in a second. I know, Carnival. Lacks. We shall continue to plot and destroy the void together.

Yes. I believe in the Dark Lord. And the Dark Lord? Yes. Oh, Carnival, I'm so glad you're here. Now, I am that leprechaun who stole my ring. It's a minor plot point from a long time ago, but I'm gonna kill that motherfucker. We'll get him together.

Yes, I have been spending days since the last recording. Horing over texts and tomes and grimoires, learning dark secrets of the void. For a long time we have pressed for people to fill the void. I create new works of art, create immutable things, and share them with us on Twitter town, better known on Earth as Twitter. Now that I have lived on Earth for a week, I know all the inns and outns. They're mostly on the west coast. I couldn't eat at one while I was in Chicago, which was frustrating

because it sounded pretty good. Yeah, what's animal sauce? You keep talking about it. I don't know. Oh, hey, you trying your back. Yeah, I've been back for a little bit. Okay. You move so quietly when you're healthy. Yeah, I shot my shot. I guess. You said there were also since you healthy. Yeah, I shot my shot.

You used to be there also since you've been back. You keep talking about phone home. What does that mean? Oh, Ani's sweet little daughter who I cared for for a week. I have grown to love her. Her name is Phon. Ani, you didn't see your daughter's name was Phon. Oh, it's so cute.

Well, we didn't know her name, and it seemed like the most fun name together. Then it's probably what Arnie loves most. My phone? Yeah. Arnie love phone. Arnie love phone. Arnie do love phone. Guess I started to feel myself being pulled back into food.

All I could think of was sweet as a phone. And hoping it's spin-tax will do all he can to take care of her. Oh, speaking of which, you said, while you were gone, here's some of your mail that you forgot that you weren't. Oh! That was delivered while you were gone. Here's a letter. It just says spaghetti.

Kind of a wills. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Also, Momo came by to deliver some nudes for you. Oh, wonderful. Some what? Some more nudes. This is why I established the cheat delivers nudes.

Yep, so let me just pose. And then I'll just say that the woman is tall and sleepy. Oh, nice. Seems to be your type. Oh, guys, we should talk to our guest. I'm very excited. It's been a while since he's been on and I feel like having him on. There's probably some kind of angle we could exploit.

An angle? Is this carnival talking? No, this is Arnie. I'm just talking about geometry, which is something I know a lot about. Wait, Arnie, what's something that only you would know? How tall are you? I don't know.

Sounds like him. Yeah, there's no numbers. Seven or five? Y'all. Those are good heights. Seven or five? Six of nine. Speaking of five, before we bring out the guests,

we should mention the book that involves five delightful Bennett girls Brighton prejudice. Oh, that's right book club is next week. Yeah. Have you guys been reading pride and prejudice? Mm-hmm. Oh, yes, and I am very upset that I have yet to find a single spell Yeah, there's no magic spells in pride and prejudice not yet Well don't some of the people say they're gonna sit down for a spell? Seems like there are spells, but that you need to really... Yeah. ...send to yourself and get grounded. I haven't finished it, so there's a good chance there are some fainting spells.

Hmm. And of course, the oldest spell of all. Love. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- Have you haven't read Pride and Prejudice yet? Have it read by next week for Book Club. Are you guys gonna make any apps? Oh, yeah, I'll probably do some mozzarella ones. I shall bring my famous goat horns. Mmm. You gonna make anything? Nope, but I'm gonna eat them.

Since Arnie made a nasty noise, I'm not going to give him one of my goat horns. Which are obviously my delicious pastry horns filled with cream that are hilariously called go-torns. Oh, that sounds good. You can't have one. Well anyway, we should talk to our guests. I'm very excited the Commissioner of the FML, Larry Birdman. Hey, yeah nice to do a nice feedback here. Good to see you folks. Nice to be back in hog space. It's an exciting time. Yeah, great to have you back. Yeah, Commissioner of the Fun Mittens League. Yeah, yeah, it's exciting time. Yeah, I'm straight to having you back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Commissioner of the Foon Mittens League. Yeah, yeah.

It's been frustrating year, but good for Mittens here in Hogsface, as for sure. The stadium is well underway. What? Yeah, the stadium. The stadium is already being built? Yeah. Oh, that's exciting.

Hey, guys, as co-mayors of Hogswears, we're still co-mayors, right? Sure. I think so. We're still running Hogswears, right? Yeah, but may I'm an atom? Does most say heavy lifting. John, that's just a banana. Yeah, we're more of the three lesser traiers.

You're just a person. Sure. Right. Yeah, just a person, wink. I don't know how you've missed it. It's a, you know, 2000 yard field by nine yards wide with, I don't know, seats 27,000 times 10th, so 270,000.

Wow. I'm going to just have to believe you on that number. Do you remember which mayors signed off on the loop rinse? You know, I don't remember exactly. I remember there was a there was a furious bidding war between the Lord and Lady Super Hoot on the way. That's right. And the mysterious anonymous on the other hand. And eventually there was so much money at stake that I think it was the mayor that's also a banana. Yeah, okay. I believe he was the one who scenarios it down. You know, go ahead.

I give you the green light, which was pretty. It was nice. And then he also said, I'll also give you the go ahead. And then after he did that, he said, you can also go ahead and put up the stadium. And didn't he also look very cute in his little scarf? Yeah, no, I liked it. He was wearing his scarf. And then I liked that he gave me the go aheadahead because he walks extremely slow when he was like, go ahead of me.

That was fine by me. Very slow little banana man. John, I think there's a suspicion that Mayor Manana is just a normal banana that people see whatever they want in it. The problem is that if Larry wanted him to say go ahead and build the stadium, he thought the banana told him to go ahead before just projecting their wants onto Mega Manana and then giving them sales permission. That or Momo's love brought him to life. Didn't you say there's a wooden doll on Earth

that came to life? Oh no, that's a sex doll thing. It's called Lars in the Real Girl. Mm, yeah. So the stadium is being built. That's right, yeah. The stadium's going up, which is great. I'm sure your audience all as big mittens fans

or everybody knows about it. You know, one team against another team trying to carry a potted plant, 2,000 yards to get one point. Yeah, there are a lot of very confusing rules to this sport. We should, at some point, we should do episode of the podcast at a mittens game, just so people get a feel for it. They can kind of All along. Oh, that would be wonderful. Would you allow us to record something at a mittens game? Oh, yeah

No, it'd be great. We get some broadcasters up there of a very, you know, by that I mean female Castors those broads are who we want up there talking about How's the game going, you know, but you guys can do it too. Normally, we only allow broads to cast. Yeah, but, you know, now you had mentioned several years ago, when we first met you, that you intended to sort of reinvent the gate. You had several changes you wanted to make.

Have you made any progress with those changes? Ah, it's a great question. It's been incredibly frustrating. I'm sure we spent the better part of the last six months in rules meetings. Primarily, I want to get rid of the bird rule. The bird rule is that, you know, you have to do this amazing thing. Carry this pot at plant for 2000 yards, you get one point. Right. Whereas if you catch a bird during the game, that's where 700 points. Right. And so the game is devolved.

It's like seven or eight more points. And so the game is devolved. It's like seven or eight more points. No, it's 699 more points, like way more than seven or eight more, so you could have not. You'd have to score 700 of these very difficult, what we call touchdowns, because you take the pot and plant all the way and then you touch it down to the ground at the end. And if you do that 700 times,

that's just as good as catching one part. So the bird's ever really taken over the game. So I wanted to change that role. And I went in, and we fought, and fought, and fought. And eventually we settled for a compromise whereby we narrowed the field from nine yards to eight and three quarter yards. So that was the only change that we made, which didn't even get close to any of the major changes. That I wanted to change the timeout rule. I wanted to change the rule where there's another terrible rule that I've told you about where if you commit a foul,

the other team has to take a guy off the field or a woman could be anybody and that rules to change. But none of those change, so I got two rules changed. The first, as I said, was we narrowed it from nine yards to eight and three quarter yards and then the second one is if you're gonna make for Tata's you now have to wear like a like a mitt for safety. Oh that's a good idea though. Safety first. Yeah well everyone supported that one but it was it was very frustrating. Now in a roundabout way you have accomplished your goal

because the field is one quarter of a yard less wide. Right. Meaning that's one quarter of a yard for the entire length of the field that birds cannot appear on. Yeah, that was your argument. Some people were making and I just kept saying just get rid of the bird rule. There's really no reason for it. It's a historical act. What are the hillsman going to do? They're out there killing birds left and right as the birds are thrown onto the field by the fans? Wasn't right, but they used to so I don't know if you know this back when Mittens was started You know, we were copying the the Bigel's worth book about of course lonely is lonely is sun's lonely and there were two rival Mittens leagues the FML being one of them and

You know the games were good, but we wanted to spruce it up a little bit. So we decided to allow a bird to be caught. And it was, that was supposed to be worth, basically $7. Mm-hmm. Okay, so when you say spruce it up a bit, that's when you added in the trees.

Yeah, that hit right exactly. And then we also added the bird. So the spruce it up is how, that's what led to the rule whereby there's a spruce tree every five yards Mm-hmm of a 2000 yards, so you're constantly dodging spruce trees We want the bird to have somewhere to go right and we also wanted to be difficult to spectate for anyone So that it's kind of you you're a little bit in the dark as to what's occurring throughout Well, that's why he to the 10 sections has

a little bit in the dark as to what's occurring. Well, that's why each of the 10 sections has 227,000 seats so that you can easily get a seat high enough that you can see over the trees. And usually, correct me if I'm wrong, but usually a typical attendance is like 30,000, and then they all just kind of shuffle around the stadium, right? Take it a better vantage point.

That's exactly right. Usually, you would 10% of the seats get sold. And then you're allowed to just maneuver about wherever you want, unless you have a VIP seat, which means under no circumstances are you allowed to move. So those are very, very, I can't remember exactly, but it basically means no movement. So many numbers in this episode, just so many numbers being thrown out. I don't turn your noses bleeding. So, you know, I did my best.

And I've really given up on that pursuit. And now I'm focused on making a series of videos about Middens, some great documentaries that we're putting together in a series called Third E for Bird E. And that is my friend Bert Edmund, me RT. Yes, he's trying to achieve a third E in his name. So it's two Wow.

Bert Edmund. So he's an E in Bert and then an E in Edmund. And he's hoping to get a third E in his name Bert E and he's been traveling around the country, just kind of interviewing people at different points. And so I decided, hey, why not make a few of these 30 for birdies about Mitch? And when you say videos, do you mean that you're going to broadcast them through pop and lock or so?

Yeah, I get a bunch of logic box or a walk and pop. You can see it in any of the ways that you would other people. Walk and pop and all the way. You can murder a horse. Very incapacitated person? Yep, that's what VIP means. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way.

You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way.

You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way.

You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a walk in the middle of the way. You would have a Oh, that's too bad. Okay. Oh. I just thought it was bride of prejudice. Bride of prejudice? One of my favorite books. Oh, what's bride of prejudice? Oh, is that a Rooknastry? It is. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's, well, it's a Rooknastry least latest series. Oh, a new series. Yeah, there's a hard boiled detective. Mm-hmm goes by the name of prejudice so named for his just off-kilter Incredibly direct stereotype view of humanity. Is his name prejudice or is it prejudice? Is that his first-generalized name? Foling I think it's full name is just prejudice. Mm-hmm

Maybe no now that I think about it his name is prejudice. You're right You're right. I haven't started reading it. What you don't read it out loud. You sometimes you go Oh, I once I say it's out loud. There's a space It's harder to remember every space in a book that you're well You've caught me because I'm now doing this thing where you get your auditory books So instead of reading them. Oh, we have the little gnome just talk it to your ear Yes, you get the tiny gnome and he just he talks to you and you hope you get a good gnome with a wide range of you. You hope you get one that's audible. Yeah, yeah, that's about right. So I've been having this little gnome do bride of pre-judice I guess is a but it's it's been pretty good.

And then this one's about well the first one was excuse me there's gonna be 10 and the last one which is called Judas. So all of these are pre-judiced, right? So they're eventually gonna get there. So it started with pre-judiced. So wait, let me understand. This series, they're starting with prequels? Correct. And working lay away up to the original thing. Yes.

Wow. Let me ask you something. I think that's just the regular, that's just the regular order though. I think that's an incredibly creative, uh, region for these books. Are you supposed to read them in that order? Well, you have to wait until he finishes them all and read the last one. I think about's an incredibly creative region for these books. Are you supposed to read them in that order? Well, you have to wait until he finishes them all

and read the last one. Yeah, think about it this way. Think about how terrible prequels are usually because you know what's going to happen. This is what you can read the prequels first. Ooh, I like that. You don't know what's going to happen. Well, I've heard, I haven't read them,

but I've also heard that is it Judas is monster because the bride ends up marrying the monster, right? I don't know, because I haven't gotten to Judas yet, the final book in the series. The great thing about it too, to your point, Usador is that sometimes sequels are no good. True, but this series avoids ever having a sequel,

because it's going to start with the book that it ends with. Oh, I love it. Then it's gonna have a bunch of prequels, but they're not prequels because they get ridden first. So, Rooknastory managed to avoid having a sequel or a prequel, but still deliver the kind of hard-hitting pseudo out of bounds. Just over the top, exciting mix of, you know, detective work and, you know, pornography. So, so clever. What a wonderful way to deliver pornography.

And what we tell you is like this is just like his other series of books, but this one has more racism in it. Yeah, so far that's about right. Does it have any erasism? Yes. So you got rid of it. That's good.

Growth. Well, exactly. So what happens is the book begins with a fair amount of racism. And then later on they have the e-racism. And if you go back and try to read the first book, there's just those sections are gone. Oh, that's good. I mean, that's, that shows that he's learned.

Why didn't they just stop by not writing it down on the first place? Because it's the people, right? Yeah, you got me there. That's right. And when we talk about sequels, Arnie, that can also be what a mermaid writes a stationary way. A sequel? Oh, let's just a known item in fun.

Well, let's take a break, or let's hope that we already took a break, and that we didn't hear any of this. A pre-break. Pre-break. Oh, I have to pre-know. I go pre-break. Go pre-break. So, Larry, I know I've been having so much fun talking about literature with you, which

I really do prefer to sports. But what can we expect now that Mittens is coming back to Hogsface? Well, I think you can expect an excited town with some great competition. We're going to have the 10th anniversary Super Station, round robin, round table, Super Station wagon. That'll be here. Oh wow, in Hanks' face.

Yeah, you build the new stadium. You know, if you build it, people will pay and arrive. Oh, so, is this gonna bring a lot of money into the city? Who could you use to like improve it? Well, that was the business plan of a wooden lady superhood. What? They would pay and then they would keep 1% of the profits that they would then donate to the poor.

And the other 99% would go to the city. Sounds great. But unfortunately, mysterious anonymous won the bid. And that was all the profits would go to the mysterious anonymous foundation, which he says is not affiliated with him. But just to coincident. Yeah, a lot of people have their doubts. I'm very curious about mysterious anonymous sign.

I gotta get in part of this foundation. What? We get some of that money. Carl! What? That's despicable! Use it or... If we are skimming money from the profits for the Mittens team in town, we can use a portion of that money for good.

For us to defeat the Dark Lord, defeat the Void, help some kids. A portion of the money? A big portion! I'm not good at math though, so maybe some of it ends up in the wrong pile. Don't mess with me, Connovo Wilson, I know you're good at math even though Arnie is bad at it. You are going to try to take some of that money for yourself and that is not allowable. We must use that money to protect the people of Foon, all the little children in like Foon, and all the sweet people fully grown.

Yeah, the little children like Drew. And Drew, think of drew I think of course when it comes to Middens prophets we always we always share a lot of it with the military and with the what the mill in the town of Terry the military and so I would say you know of course we have a salute to the military and we have, we bring the military people out onto the field before and after in a game. There are a lot of sit in the spruce trees during the battles of the games. You know me, I love carbs, so I appreciate everything that the military does. But why does it have to be part of the Middens game?

I don't know, there's just kind of a connection between the two. A lot of, you just say history there? Yeah, I'm just saying. I mean, would you not support the military? No, I support it. I eat so much bread every day. If you play your cards right, you know,

you should maybe get one of the, you know, mill workers from Terry to take you to a game. I mean, I feel like, you know, you should maybe get one of the, you know, millworkers from Terry to take you to a game. I mean, I feel like, you know, the military would appreciate taking an Arnie. I'm gonna go free. Who keeps eating bread right now? Let's read some emails. Oh, hey, John, you have any emails?

Yeah, but I'm just not feeling so great. John. Oh, I already tried it. You did that one. Shit, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling so great John. Oh, I already tried it. You did that one shit. I'm sorry So you have full these days Shit a shitter. Why it especially when he stands up? How big do you have to be to shit a shitter and what are you eating? Oh goddesses? Can I just read an email is that okay? Yeah, I got an email here from McKenzie Henderson says

Can I just read an email? Is that okay? Yeah. I got an email here from a Kenzie Henderson says Name our doggo high-chent my husband and I are getting a male puppy But we can't think of a good name for him We love the name gorgeous the potato and I'd like to get your input on a name for our new addition Also high-useador and Arnie. Oh boy a name for a male puppy. You know what a great name for a male puppy is Muppie Muppie is good. Also, you could name it your social security number and you can even do that. That's pretty good. I'd say phone is probably pretty good.

If it's good enough for Arnie's daughter and it's good enough for a meal puppy. You know, I got one. Yeah. Like a lot. I've got several dogs at the house. No, how many dogs do you have? No, at least the baker's doesn't.

Makers a good one. Yeah, at least a baker's dozen. Baker's a good one. Yeah, well, that is a good one. But I've got one that I like named Bob Barker because, you know, he's a barks. Yeah. And we call him Bob. You shouldn't spay a neuter that dog. Well, thank you.

But you know, the funny thing is, we spayed a neutered Bob Barker. And now he will not shut up to the other dogs. He's always like, you should get spayed neuter. And it's like, take it from me. It's great. Look, you seem like a one-issue dog. You know what I mean?

There's a lot of things you could talk about. Why do you talk about that every day? But that's what Bob Barker's all about. Let's, I think that's a great. Bob Barker is a great name. Maybe let's each toss out a few, I think, Baxter's good, Beagle, Briscuit. A lot of B names going on.

Any other who could? I really like Philadelphia, for a name for dog. Yeah, I mean about that while I was in Earth last week. Measin' Plus, Subterfuge is a good name for a dog. My dog's name on Earth was T. That's a letter, that's a letter, aren't you? But it's, they want a name. T-E-A, like the dream. Oh, that's a letter. That's a letter, aren't you? But it's, stay on a name. It's not a tea E A like the drink.

Oh, that's so adorable. Oh, it was tea fitting a little cup. Uh, no, she was quite a bit bigger than a cup. Wait, your dog? How many food ounces? There was a tiny wolf that kept trying to attack your house last week. Was that your dog? Was that your dog?

No, it was a tiny wolf trying to attack the house. Tiny wolf's a good name. Tiny wolf is a good name. Or a dozen. Baker or dozen. Cramps. Cramps is a good name for a dog. Cramps is a good name. Or cramps. Cramps or grams. Yeah, or you know, pick a name of a character from literature that you like maybe from Pride and Prejudice or Rooknast or Lee series.

A variety of prejudice. I can't go wrong there. Yeah, and I think I saw he has another series called Larry Luckstash. You can name your dog Larry Luckstash. Larry Luckstash is one of the characters here. Luckstash, please, please, listener, if you can do one thing for us,

name your dog Larry Luckstash. Or something from Rooknast release other series, son of sensibility. Or you could shorten Larry Birdman and call it Levy. You're Levy? Well, sure. You can have a couple of them, A and B and C.

Would you have to separate them, or? I don't know. Levy A. Probably when you go to check up there. Prong, that's a good name for a dog. Tooth. True. Guys, I just realized we got onto a naming run.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, we're still name dog names. Let's go. It's like our thing to go on forever. In the next episode, just be dog names. I feel like most of our friends are the prejudice. Let's just be standing. Oh, Judas. Judas is a great name.

What else? Rush. Rush is a great name. What else brush? Rush is a great name frustration. That's a good name for a dog brush Fresh kind of combines the two I like that Fresh frowell port Tony Mixy oh ripsy Tussle Another great that's it that's it period ripsy Tussle It has been decided your dog's Period. Ripsy Tussle. It has been decided. Your dog's name is Ripsy Tussle.

All right. Hey, you know what? I've also gotten some emails. You can email me at MagicTap or NetPuppies. That supplies. Wait, but Spruce is also good. It's back up for contention. Go ahead and read your email, honey. We won't say more dog names. I promise. Well, here's one email I got. Uh, outlets a good name. Ooh outlet. It's a great name. That's what a fun goes into. Uh-huh. Dear Arnie and use, dear Arnie, use it or enchant.

Didn't we learn that if use it or stuck his obsidian arm in the center of the void, it could be destroyed? Can't he just eat the core apple? Toss it in the void and he'll be at the center. Arm and all, problem solved question mark. Love the show. Sarah. Oh, solved question mark. Love the show. Sarah. Oh, I bet it's a different Sarah.

It's a very good idea. I wish I thought of it when I saw my city and arm. Yeah, you don't have that up city and arm anymore, which it seemed to be like the total totality of your plan to defeat the void. Uh-huh. Well, that's why I've been going through tomes and grimoires this week learning all the secrets of the 40-day game.

Yeah, grimoires, a great name. That is good. I mean, like you started that email that it was addressed just to you and used it or... and then you kind of like changed it at the top to maybe make junk feel better. And I just want to say that was nice of you if that's what you did. Oh, I thought maybe that they thought I was in a different form. Oh, could be. get. Oh, I thought maybe that they thought I was in a different form. Oh, could be. Dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what it probably was. It makes a lot more sense. I'm gonna go grab some drinks. Can I have my hand back now? It's getting a little sweaty. Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. But can we, can I hold it like help and maybe later, can I hold your hand? Yes. I can hold my hand later. Okay, thank you. And also thank you to this other Sarah who sent that email and to the dozens of other people who also suggested that we use the core apple

to throw into the void and have used it or get in there with his obsidian. I wish we got those email shoots. That was such a... It was almost like that would have been... It's a good idea. Exactly how we could have done. We could have solved everything with that dumb fucking apple Yeah, well, you know you could solve a lot if you didn't make a catch in a bird 700 points, right? But yeah, the bottom line is people don't listen. Yeah, what are the hills we're gonna do?

What are the hills we're gonna do? Block for the Okay, let's see. Let's do one more email here I got an email that it's very eye-catching. It says, put hello from the Magic Tavern in the iTunes, top 10, and in all caps, stay there. This one says, hi, Arnie and Chunt, and I'm not going to add use the door's name to make and feel better. It's literally just the Arnie and Chunt. My name is Jeremy, with podcast something or other. We notice your podcast and the iTunes

I'm not gonna say the name of the thing because I don't want other podcasts But are listening to get this very useful information. I'm sorry. I'm back from the bar Did you say that they're called podcasts something or other? No, I I changed the name Oh, that's a great name for a podcast Podcast something or other that for a podcast might Podcasts, something or other? Does that have for a podcast? Might be, well, that probably everything exists already. We notice your podcast in the iTunes top 200 and want to offer you the chance to climb the charts faster than anyone in the industry in just 48 hours.

We can have you sitting comfortably in the top 50, 40, 30. This is like a game of mittens. 20 or even the coveted top 10 of your podcasting category. Let's go for 50. Here's why we get, yes, why would you pick 20? Instead of 10? Yes, I mean, I don't know,

maybe you want to ease your way up to the top. You're like, look, are we a top 10 podcast? Are we ready for the heights of the top 10? But here's the thing. Obviously this person's a fan because they do not say like look are we a top 10 podcast are we ready for the heights of the top 10 but here's the thing obviously this person's a fan because they do not say what our specific podcasting category is but they say they'll get us there or your money back all caps wait they have our money I think it our money shit oh no oh no okay let's keep reading my money son How the fuck did they get our money? How dare they run some money?

This is an ransom email. Yes, we have a money back guarantee. You do not pay unless you reach the agreed upon spot in your selected category. This is clearly written just to us. For more information, please visit the link below or reach out to me directly. Thanks, Jeremy, I'm not gonna give this full name

because one other podcast, get this information. Yeah, look. Which link is it? H email link to the mail link. Oh, I thought there's a person named Link. Is there a link below there? What's the date of that email? The email is from last week.

Oh, I thought maybe Jeremy had spoken yesterday, but if it was last week, I'm compelled to say we're probably not getting that money back. Yeah. Damn it. Well, it is addressed to us because they know that we're in a category. Yeah, look, guys, if you think about it,

it's a little morally ambiguous. Or we're probably clearly wrong to try to cheat the podcast charts, to try to cheat the podcast charts, to try to appear like we are more popular than we really are. But if this podcast is in the top 10, more people will listen and more people on Earth will hear about it, and it will help us to feed the void and get back to Earth. Those are things I want to do. I know.

What I'm saying is, but could I stand on the dizzying heights of number eight? Well, look, first of all, I didn't say eight. So we've been at 10, we'd be at the... Well, that's in the top 10. Yeah, right? I think so. Or is there only numbers that are divisible by 10?

They can get us to 10, 20, 30, or 40, or 50, but nothing in between. Exactly. How many spots behind Dr. John? You being the podcast about the jazz musician, Dr. John, and how he tried to kill Connie Britain? I mean, we could never be that good. But if we ever were, oh, that'd be such a night.

Also, Eric Banna, if you're listening, amazing work as Dr. John. I would probably name my dog, Blue Boy, the Wizard Dog. Oh, yeah. I'd name my broadcasters a good name. Oh, do they still have casters that are traders? Do they still have traders, um, cast? Yeah, occasionally, mostly broad.

Hmm, but, uh... Well, you have to be, I mean, if you're a cast trader, then you probably... Oh, sometimes I miss what? Order the word. You're supposed to go, man. Sean, you're looking sick. No, I feel great.

No, no, no. You might be sick. You sure want to skip the rest of the episode? No, I'm good. Look, what else? Uh, just saying, muster. He's an e-camp. Has, um...

Look, I- Scutes. Look, I'm just saying, Arnie wouldn't believe that he would be cheating the system to help the podcast be better. But Carnival will soon. Maybe we should cheat our way to the top. I-no. I gotta tell you, I hope you don't, because I used to have a big-time rival by the top. I know. I gotta tell you I hope you don't,

because I used to have a big time rival by the name Dick Wizardry. Yes. He and I had great battles against one another, but then he began to use some performance enhancing drugs. Or as we call it, sorry about that. We called them performance enhancing drugs. Wow.

This is a different inflection subtly. Well, we said it faster. Mm-hmm. A little faster. That was really good. It's still faster. It was frustrating, because he would always say I'm using performance-enhancing drugs.

Now, see, when I sold him those performance and asking drugs, I just always thought they were buffs. People just said, this is a buff. I'm having a buff. Buffs are great name. Well, he used those buffs, if you will, to outperform me, and it was very frustrating for many years. And I called him out on it,

and then that led him framing me for murder many times. Yeah. So I'm just saying there can be unforeseen consequences to cheating a system. Then cheating is wrong. Yeah, that I'm just saying there can be unforeseen consequences to cheating a system. And cheating is wrong. Yeah, that's true. Hey, I got a question about framing people from murder. Yes.

Let's say that security guard at a local library is dead. No one's found their body yet, but if you wanted to hypothetically pin it on, say, the commissioner of the Foon Mittens league, just because that's what we're talking about already, how would one go about doing that? So you're asking me how to pin a body onto me. I'd say you've got to get me in a steady spot, probably pin me down, and then hold me in a certain area, and then you're going to need a large nail in order to pin that dead body onto me. And I'm not gonna like it.

So I might knock me out in order to do that. Anyway, I shouldn't give all these secrets away, but that's how I would pin a dead body onto me. Yeah, too physical. Now, if you're talking about framing someone, murder? Yeah? I recommend taking a photo of the murder, walking it down to one of the good

framers here in Foon. And you can get a nice mahogany when it caps on it. Yeah. What about sauteing someone from murder? Oh, that's one of my favorite dishes. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but murder is one best served. Sauteed. That's a line from the Rooknaster's. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but murder is one best served sauteed

That's a line from the rook nasty Oh That's from the one groovy minutes are sorry Yeah, Larry, thank you so much for coming. I'm so excited. I would have to imagine that you're gonna be in hogs face a little more often if The team is opening up. I will be and we'll be having big games here soon So maybe we can as I I said, do a broadcast or as you said, do a broadcast up there. It'll be a lot of fun.

And Arna, you could finally see a mid game and so you'd understand what we're talking about during each of these bites. Oh, not really sports guy, like I said, but there's like a potential for gambling of some kind. Gamble's a good name for a dog. Watch out. The Sino. Crap. How do you say to Crap? Here Crap's. The wing of some kind? Gamble's a good name for a dog. Blackjack? Mm-hmm.

The Sino. Crap. Right, he said crap. Here Crap's. Crap's is a pretty good name for a dog. Don't shit a shitter. I always thought Craig would be a good name for a dog. I don't know, I did. And I was just looking for a natural segue out of the podcast.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you all deserve better than that. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Jump the docking badge was played by Adelre Fine. Larry Birdman, the commissioner of the Foon Mitten's League, was played by Rush Howell. Oh no, Rush Howell would make a good dog name. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by our Nene Camp, Rhyndi Georgi and Evan Jacover. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Remember, next week is the Book Club episode of the show.

So if you haven't finished reading Pride and Prejudice, get to it. Or when you listen to this completely not real fantasy podcast, talk about Pride and Prejudice, you won't know what's going on. You'll be very embarrassed. So go out, and if you haven't gotten your copy yet, you can still get a copy from a little from themagictavern.com on our Book Club link, and we get a little bit of money. Also remember that besides Pod Swag, which is a great place for MagicTavron merch, you can also go to hellofromthemagictavron.com and find links to all kinds of MagicTavron

stuff, including some winter solstice cards, a shirt, and a candle. Come on, Blelph. You can sit by the bath while I share my most devastating secrets. Just because you don't have eyelids doesn't mean you can't cry. Can you make sure you lock the door this time? I'm still recovering from the last time I walked in on your bath. These two. My think I'll keep them.