Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 9 - Herbalists

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

Magic can't solve everything. Maybe the Milkweeds can help us with some natural remedies. Also, Chunt is now in a power position.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFig and Maple Milkweed: Nick Mestad and Emma PopeGlen Weldon: Glen WeldonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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hundreds of comedy podcasts and won by Kevin Pollock. As we say every week, let's get this over with. Hello for the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is all you need to know. About two years and a couple months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Unfortunately, the dark lord of this world is taking over, has taken me and my co-host

captive, is forcing us to continue to record this podcast, although you know forcing us, we still enjoy doing it. That we record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of Phoon. And I'm joined as always by my co-captiv and co-host, Chant, the Talking Badger. I'm a shapeshifter, I'm a shapeshifter, and for that you get a shot. What's this now? I'm writing you up.

I'm writing you up, you get a shot. Shots? No, you're get a shot. What's this now? I'm writing. I'm writing you up. You get a shot shots No, you're getting a shot. You get Shut shut shut shut shut shut shut shut shut shut shut shut shut Everybody gets a shot everybody. Yes because of me because you called me a badger instead of a shapeshifter Listen, I don't know you remember last week when I was I blinked 181 times of vaguely We're doing some blink to 180 second time Yeah, it caused destruction of untold proportions Is this a previously on segment?

It's working a little bit of dark magic and what I did is I convinced my the cell guards Pippin Dolores remember them oh vaguely I use a spell to convince them that they should make me a guard So now I'm a guard what? I used a spell to convince them that they should make me a guard, so now I'm a guard. What? John, you're a guard now? I'm a guard and you have a shot. You get 10 shots, you go to the hole, you go to the salt air confinement. But, come on buddy, we're still friends, like-

Oh, we're still friends for sure, but, you know, you got a shot. This isn't gonna go well. I was excited for like half a second to you're a guard. Well, things have changed, alright? What-who once was King is now a guard, you know orange is now black everything has changed. Wow Is it don't give me those crazy eyes? I'm a guard now you have to respect me. Okay fine. All right, China. I can't tell whether you're Being a dick because you're a guard

You can tell me being a dick, but you can't tell can tell me being a dick but you can't tell why I'm being a dick yeah well yes that's my eternal question Arnie, hey, hey, that's me all right okay I just have to put on a beard oh okay I have to act tough yeah they're cracking down and they said if I am gonna be a guard that they're gonna station me with you guys but I need to make sure that I'm tough and there's no you know give okay sure so I do have to give you a shot. Does everyone get a shot? No just already I'm sorry I said that earlier I got cut up in the moment. Sure what is a shot? You just have a mark you know like you violated you know a

rule and you made me angry and I like I said if you get 10 shots you go to the hole which is solitary confinement. Wow is it just a hole? Yeah it's just a hole in the ground. Oh, I mean, you probably be, I don't know, up to your knees in it. So it's not bad. It's not so big. If I could trip, yeah. So don't get nine more, okay?

Okay. That's right. Is shut up, or I'll hit you with my stick. I got a wacky stick. Oh, you got a wacky stick. It's a good one. Not W-A-C-K-Y. W-H-A-C-K-Y.

I'm gonna say, I feel like we've all been hit with a wacky stick. But look, it's my mustache right now. It's a wacky stick. No, but it's for wacky. Yeah! Wow! You know, a banjo in a guard outfit with a blotter, that's a shot. I don't know, I'm not gonna do shots.

I am also joined by my other co-captip in co-host, Yusador, the Wizard. I am Yusador, a Wizard of a twelfth realm of a feces master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos. Wrap it up in me! Champion of the Great Halls of Trucks! The elves know me as being, I'm the Dwarves know me as soaring in hook stangies, and I am known in the Northeast as gas-wayneus meystar, and you can go ahead and hit me with that stick.

Go for it! I won't hit you with this stick. I only hit you with my best shot. You got a shot. But I'm not gonna weigh my shot! Fire away! What? Arnie, you got two shots. You said you already have one shot. Fine. I shall. Behave so that I do not end up in the hole. Well, I will say, I mean, the hole gets a bad rap, but there is another, um, inmate, Courtney, who went into the hole and she loves it.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's great. Mm-hmm. I love Courtney. Guys, but let's not forget we're all working together to defeat the Dark Lord. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. Oh, we are? Yes. You used it, Ar?

Open. Open conspiracy. That's the third shot. The what? You have three shots. Oh, damn, so sorry. You can't openly talk about that in front of me. I'm still your friend, I'm just a guard. Well, how am I going to conspire with you if I can't talk about our conspiracy with you? Speak in code, I know this is going to be weird, but try and couch, you know, little bits

about the dark lord in our conversation, okay? Okay. Alright, don't be obvious. Let's talk about how we're going to eat, eat, feed with the, the, yes good. The Dark Lord. I love rooster's feet. Yeah. A blemish in order of rooster's feet over here.

Now what, why are we eating feet? Guys, yeah, what are we eating feet for? No, I'm trying to talk in code. Eating feet for the Dark Lord. Yeah. Arnie, buddy, what are we eating feet for? No, I'm trying to talk in code. Eating feet for the Dark Lord? Yeah, Arnie, buddy, I do not understand you. Hmm. Here, here, here, here. Listen here.

I'm so happy to be here, living here in Hogsface, staring the occupation, and I would like us to get together and start a book club. I would love to start a book club. Let's start a book club. A club of destruction and raining down terror upon those who oppress us. Oh, is this a code? Yes, I was really getting excited about our book club. Oh no, I, for you were you excited about the code or did you think it was going to be a book club? I know, it was a book club. Can we start a buck club? Yeah, please.

Yeah. What's a good earth book? Oh, can I be in your buck club? What's the first earth book I should read? Let's read the girl on the train. I'd like to be in the buck club. What's a train? Oh boy, there's not gonna be any books

that aren't gonna confuse you. You sort, you can't be in the buck club. But you can be in the buck club. Yes, join the buck club. But I also wanna be in the buck club. Okay, you can also be in the buck club. Yes, join the book club, but I also want to be in the book club Okay, you can also be in the book. You better give me a good you better give me a good earthbook Or you're gonna get a hundred years of solitude. What's a good earthbook? Give me a good I can't think of one

Is there a book about like you know? Maybe it's about mice or about men or about fantastical something look We have the remain of the day to figure this out. So let's- I can't think of any box. There are millions of them. You can't think of any books. The way you said that was so airy like there's this unbearable lightness of your being. Look at him try to think of a book. It's amazing.

His eyes looking straight up into his brain as if somehow there's a book in there. Maybe something of a dog? I don't think so. Alright. Think of a book in there. Maybe something at the dog. And I don't think so. Pfft. All right. Think of a book cover. Oh, listen, as I wish you could see this. Imagine a room, and there's a shelf. Ooh, there's a shelf.

Is there like a cupboard, and is there some sort of native inside the cupboard? Chunk in some space. I don't know what it is. I can't think of any books. And there's like a red book. Woof. This is going to take a a while but I want to watch the whole thing. There's a red book, are we just naming red things? There's a red tent, there's a red

fern. Well, look, maybe listeners should email books that we should read for our book club. Email books? Yeah. Then we encourage some sort of book thief to come in here and just take them all away. Ah, yeah, they should email us books that we should read for the book club, but they should also email us plans to defeat the book club. Yes, guys, we clearly don't know how to defeat the book club. So please, email us books for the book club, but also plans to defeat the book club. Very clever. We'll pick a book to read for the book club and we also plans to defeat the book club. Very clever. We'll pick a book to read for the book club

and we'll try out plans to defeat the book club. This is all, is gibberish, right? Is anybody still listening? Look, I'm a unicorn, my wacky stick. I don't, we've been ignoring all guests again. Yes, I'm so sorry. Guys, I am so excited to interview some herbalists. We've never had herbalists on.

We're joined by FIG, guys, correct me if I say this wrong. FIG and maple milkweed? Milkweed, fig and maple. Perfectly. We made it with first try. Yeah, a lot of people don't. That's impressive. Yeah, you wouldn't believe the mispronunciations we've heard.

What are some of the mispronunciations? Yeah, what are some of them? Milk. Just milk. Just milk. People just stop. What are some of the missing? Yeah, what are some of the milk? Just milk just milk people just just stop. Yeah, it's like something was covering up the paper that they're reading from so just milk And I was like no, no, no, it's actually milkweed and some wait was that Harvey? Yeah, yeah, Harvey down the line. Yeah, I don't know I'm sure he does it for me. He always stops in the middle of Yes, it's like a Harvey. What it is? Yeah, just doing? Just move your papers around a little bit before you read off. Well, sometimes in Elvis you don't know what letters are meant to be spoken of which are not. Oh, so it'd be a silent weed?

A silent weed. Possibly, yeah. Sure, that's fair. I lose sight of that a little bit, yeah. So into a herbalist? That's right. A yard! About four years, yeah. Sounds legit. It is.

Good guess, Sony. What, what, not good guess? What's going on? I don't know. I'm happy to hear what they have to say. Okay. Well, this is typical from a wizard. Yeah, me, say, errr. Yes.

I hate, but, you know, six years of herb school says otherwise. Oh, wow. Or herb school. Yeah, indeed. That's where we met, actually. We met on the second year and then we had four more years to make our love sing. And boy, did we make it sing? Yeah.

The whole campus knew of us. Yeah. I imagine we became pretty obnoxious to everyone. We don't care our love is very loud. Yes. Very loud, very strong. Oh, can you meet me here? Oh.

Okay, I'm on my way. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. So. Can you meet me here? Oh! Okay, I'm on my way. Oh! Oh! Yeah. So, so everyone on campus were not fans of you guys. Apparently. Allegedly?

Yeah. The yearbook really, we were really shocked. I am in the yearbook. I mean, multiple pages. Multiple pages. Multiple pages. Yeah. Yeah.

What are four things they said about you guys? Unredeemable idiots. one smells like gross teen spirit to And also these people shouldn't they shouldn't be happy at any point in their lives Let's hope they don't procreate for Purple and bad because we actually did not ever end up procreate Oh, no, I'm trying to get my choice or yet. Yes. Yeah. Did you concrete? for and bad because we actually did not ever end up procuring down to Kim Trouba. My choice or yet. Yes.

Yeah. Did you concrete? We have mixed concrete before. Oh, yeah. That's what I was asking. Yeah, actually, that was what got me through Herb School was some construction. Sorry, that was a bit of a segue.

I was just like, oh, maybe they've mixed it. You have been. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You read that. You read it awkward on FUN to ask people if they plan to make concrete. Mm-hmm.

I think such a personal question. I mean, to us, I take no offense to it. We know what I don't want. I don't want to pay up into your cone scheme to buy ours. Oh, okay. Fine. We're not asking you to. We are not soliciting anything.

Yeah. We are legit, and you can think what you want. So, by the way, that hand fungus. Honey. Okay. What, what, why, why, why, why? Are you talking about a usage of our hand fungus? Yeah.

That's on purpose. It's in the shape of a chickener's. I mean, he's got some sort of herbian cup. That's an experiment I'm working on. Oh, I told you you should wear gloves in the shower, but nope, not gonna do it. And if you ever, if you ever, and I'm saying ever, if you ever want to take it away, we have a Theodon route that will wipe that out within six hours. Or less. Six hours? I suppose I mix that with a lavender base. How did you know? Okay, well fine. Alright, see what that turns into

in three months. So, Fig and Maple, what do herbalists do exactly on Finn? Well, we have a little store that we made ourselves with our own hand concrete and we sell just Nicknacks here and there Nicknack patty wax and we also sort of act as Pharmacist a little bit. I think what you would know as yeah follow-up question. What's a patty wax? It's similar to have you ever heard of a wacky stick? I have yeah follow-up question. Did you say you're like farmers with cysts? Okay, okay, so No, so so honey Okay, okay. Yeah, no hard no You do your store look for marks

Suckers cons okay, I actually didn't even read read that as insult literally thinking of a person named Mark I didn't pick up on that as an insult at all and I'm still sorry about your hand I'm sure it's tough to sleep in the third and fourth hour of the night. I can't wait to see what this thing says to me in three months Oh boy, she just showed you empathy Is herbalist like not a highly respected type of man? No, okay, all right, you know, it's the wizards in the witches that does not respect it amongst just because we don't use magic. We rely on what Fune has given us naturally and we research that and we experiment with

that and we progress with that and we only rely on that. It's dependable. It's proven to work. And just because we don't, what is it now? I'm happy to admit that modern magic has its limits. Sure. And that we've come a long way, but there are some natural things that, of course, are very helpful for making potions

and whatnot. But to rely entirely upon such natural remedies would be absurd. Okay, you know what, fair, to each, to each his own. Well, he's in a wizard just a little too fast to prescribe magic sometimes. It's like, do we need to go straight to magic? Maybe let's see if there's something we can pull out of the ground.

Looks like you're putting our mouth around. Gotta save time things. Well, your eye was twitching. Oh, thank you. That's better. Your eye was twitching. Oh. Thank you. That's better. You had Rethasis syndrome. Oh.

But how many spells can I have at any one time? What if I'm taking too many spells? And a lot of time, I'll tell you what they're doing a lot of times. They're, they're remedying the, the ailment of the moment and not the bigger problem. Mm-hmm. Not the bigger problem. Yeah. So we come in and we look at you as a whole thing, and we say, okay, I think here's what's going on.

Let's try this out. Let's try this out. Let's try this out. So like the spell remedied my eye twitch, but not the reason I was switching my eye, which was that you were talking too much. Fair enough. Okay, see, that's a perfect example of it.

Where it was actually wrestled with eye syndrome. I may prescribe a quart of phoenix blood. And you take that once a night for three nights in a row. How do I take that? You take it by intravenous tubing. Oh. Yeah, so the phoenix blood will mix up with your blood. And the rest is really complex, kind of math and science,

but I will stop twitching Is that what I said? Yeah, yeah, it is a lot. Yeah, how do you get that much Phoenix plot? I'm very impressed It's about 12 Phoenix's yeah, but they can take it. Yeah, it's really one thing that can just kill it Wow, that's I'm that's very interesting. Yeah, I would like to learn more about that. I love to hear that. Yeah, I will We yeah, absolutely I'll be happy that he will talk to you the break. Absolutely wonderful Nice Forgive my ignorance. I've never talked any earblists and you two are obviously, you know some oh also forgive Arnie's ignorance Oh, yes, sorry. Go ahead. We should have started with that forgive Arnie's ignorance. Okay. That's just a different

Less isn't over I can give given for the show. Now forgive my ignorance. Clearly, I mean, you're so, the romance is palpable, obviously, to Erby Lovebugs. I don't know if this is just a rumor, if this is real, I heard maybe 15 or 16 years ago. Urbulous, if they shampoo their hair hair they can work as them oh Yes, okay, is that the essence of the earth? Yes, you have a sort of an organic experience. Yes. Yes. Well, I will say that is 100% true And let's just say it didn't stop 16 years ago Let's just say it didn't stop 16 years ago. Oh! Yeah, yeah.

It's fascinating. It's a gift. I have all sorts of terrible things in my hair and beard that have been there for years and years. So I'm very interested in learning more about this. Oh, yes. You're just coming around? I know.

What a quick turnaround. Well, I'm always open to learning. And it's high-plan to defeat the book club someday. So I must be open to all new manners of methods by which I may be able to do something. I love how big and maple are totally destroying the book club plan. I don't know, Faye. Well, we are a political. Oh, OK.

Yeah, we're not involved in any sort of dark magic or any sort of politics that are going on that are dangerous. No, don't be over there. We're more about just the positive effects of helping one another. Yes, use that kind of energy by the sea. If you're not involved with it, you probably don't have to whisper about it. Oh, all right. Oh, that's a probably good point. Use All right That's probably a good point. Yeah, okay. Yeah, should I be was sprayed then? I don't know Oh, should I be was always it because John John does a guard now? Oh watch it watch you guys. I don't want it up in the hole

But also you remedy the hole. Oh, I don't know what to do Can you take a court of Phoenix blood in the hole? You can take it in the mouth, you can take it in the hole, you can, you can pre-miss do anything, but it's only going to fix a restless eye of its take and intravenous. Oh, otherwise it's just recreational. Well, you know what, let's refresh our drinks.

Let's take a quick break, and we'll talk more to the dickweeds, and, uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,... oh no quids oh no quids oh I'm sorry thank you so no no problem sorry it's okay no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Yeah, I'll be the first to admit there a bunch of dickweeds. Oh, I'm so I'm so sorry There's a reason they caught that name. Yes indeed. Oh the dickweeds. Yes. I might be thinking of myself hog and frapple We get their mail sometimes

So it's there's no offense sometimes Some of the time of course just a couple of times. Yeah, so there's no offense. Well, I'm so sorry Anyway, let's take a break and we'll get back with the dickweeds, and we'll be right back. Ooh, ooh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Uh, hello everyone. It's Glenn Weldon from Top Torture Happy Hour.

You know, the roundtable discussion show beamed directly into the puny minds of all those in the phone who would resist the awesome power of the Dark Lord. We talk about our favorite methods of torture that his infernal majesty uses to exert. You know what? I don't know why I'm explaining it. It's because I mean you you know the show You can't not even if you tried

It's pledge drive time. So once again, I'm beaming myself into your tiny tiny minds on behalf of the dark Lord Praise his magnificent cruelty to ask Well, I say ask to demand frankly that you donate a fragment of your eternal soul to show your appreciation for NPR, our necromatic, powerful ruler. You should know that that fragment of your soul supports all NPR programming, not just top-torture happy hour, but shows like embedded, this show about jamming spikes into people's heads, and hidden brains where they jam spikes into people's heads, and wait, wait, don't kill me.

Where they slowly jam spike you know I'm picking up some mission overlap in the programming here But the point is there's so many great shows getting beamed into your t-seat tiny brains against your will and that Programming depends on the souls of listeners like you to feed off of oh and while I have you let me just This phoony and life. I know you'll love it. I know it's your favorite. It's a good show. This Phunian Life is not NPR. Okay?

Totally different network. Everybody I talk to, they're like, oh, you work for NPR. We love this Phunian Life, and I'm like, thanks. And then I drive a spike into their head because come on, do your research, you know? Anyway, by now, you've probably noticed that a bit of light and color has left the world. That's because we've just taken a fragment of your soul. So, you know, thanks for that. We'll be back next year at this time.

In the meantime, I'll return you to Hello from Magic Tavern, that other roundtable discussion show that is not about torture. Yet. So, fig and maple, like what are some of the things that you can cure with herbs? Oh, well thank you for asking. Yeah, we have a lot of favorites. We are very big right now in headaches.

Okay. You know who gets a lot of headaches? Orcs. Oh, really? I didn't know that. Unbelievable headaches. It's something about the structure of their skull and the way that their sort of lumpy brain knocks up against it when they run.

Oh, that's right. Turns out the orc brain doesn't have the fluid that most other creatures have. So it almost literally is just knocking around. You can hear it. When you run next to an orc, you can hear. That's the brain. Which creates a rhythm that they run to and they cause it to run faster and it's it's a snake eating its own tail. Exactly.

They got bad brains. Bad brains but the kind of you know silver lining there is morale is super high because it is kind of a you know what the essentially it's rhythmic. It's rhythmic. It's a drum line a little bit. Yeah it's cool. There are some poor percussion bands that is just them kind of you know shaking their heads And it is some of the most beautiful percussion I've ever heard or see

Look, I hate to work and I'll work see you when everyone knows that but they're drumming is amazing Really? Yes, I'll even out. Yeah. Yeah. They have good drum good drum circles. Yeah. Well the downside of that of course is the headaches headaches. Yeah, they'll come to us after a week of running, a splitting headache unable to see, to think clearly, to move forward with their lives. And so we discovered that if you take the Buxom's woodbine, which is a little plant that grows out back in the wood when we keep our store, and you put it into a hot elixir. You gotta be hot. Piping.

They drink it, they take it back like a shot. How they say they go, wow, because of the hotness, the popping piping hotness like we said before. I think that's another shop for Arnie. Shop for Arnie, that's five shots. No, they're taking a shot. Shot for shot.

There. Within instance. Instance. How many? About two instances. One or two instances. The orcs are just completely. Relieved of pain.

Oh wow. And they go back on the road. We had the famous orc percussion band Thomp in. They came to us. And they actually kind of they liked our remedy so much that they said, well, you're going to officially be our orblist from now on because, yeah. So, like, guys, you played with Thomp?

Well, we, we, we make there, we make there, the music possible, so in a way, yeah. A lot of times they'll play, I don't know if we have that, the main road, the, the, the sort of, Broadway, but they'll, they'll play off the Broadway, on a side street sometimes, and they're, they're pretty impressive. Oh, Thomp!

Yeah, up, up a little further north in the uptown. So they kind of are uptown thump. Oh, yeah. The uptown thump us up. Yeah. Thump is not to be confused with thwomp, which is that big rock with a face that'll smash you. Right, right.

Well, the big rock with a face that will smash you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The big square rock with a face that'll smash you with the spikes on the side. You have to run underneath it real quick. Yeah, that's thwomp. You can say that, you can say that, you're saying like, you're saying that in a,

of course, sort of way. Of course I am. More and more. I'm like, you were in the remedy. So I'm so fascinated. Oh, sure, sure. Another popular, I mean, this is a classic, but dwarf lung, a lot of dwarf lung coming in

with a lot of diamonds and jewels kind of in crust dust, just in crust it on. You can hear it right in the cough, too. It's a grrrr. And it. You can hear it right in the cough too. It's a cry. And it's just a beautiful dust that comes out. They're breathing that stuff in all, okay? And there's no coverage, no matter what we say. Even nobody, even no time for the freaking safety.

Don't ever forget it. Oh, isn't it? Work harder, work harder. And they're all like, well, I've got my beard. I don't need a mask. You're like, oh, come on. It's a come on. It's hardheadedness. I love it.

Just, just, unbraid your mustache and use it as a curtain, a protective curtain over your mouth. They won't even do that. No, my braids need to be, I must say she's being brave. I love it. I love it. I'm on dwarf after all. I'm stronger than everyone.

I never realized that a beard is a mouth curtain. It can be. Yeah, I'm telling that to an old dwarf a young dwarf in eyebrows or I drapes Yeah, potentially yes. Yes. Yes, and it's just like they are stubborn And I mean, you see them come in they go I don't feel something you go. Oh, well, I wonder why you know Then you're saying okay. Well now I'm really wondering. Why is that you know, no freaking crap of course Gosh, I mean, did you? No, we're taking care of their place.

And that's Torflon. That's Torflon. Do you ever do for Torflon? Well, that's actually a troll hair. It's surprising. Oh, really? But it kind of, you, it ideally, it's about a two foot strand of troll hair, maybe three or four strands of it.

And they, they hold on to one end of it, and they swallow the other half, and then they kind of mix around it. It's essentially, it's a complicated, but it acts like a broom and it essentially sweeps out their last thinking. And you can, when you pull out the hair afterwards. Oh, it's necklace. You would be amazed at what you find and be how they feel. You know, right away.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt, but is there any way I could, I could study with you or learn more about what it is that you do? Yes, or yes? We have a guest run it too. And it's not a cone scheme at all. I don't have to pay into it. No, there's no cone anywhere near us. No, there's no.

I've never, I don't know. I think our shop is more just a cube shape, roughly, but that's rough concrete. You come in, you stay with us and no exchange of money will be involved. Oh, wonderful. At first. And then we'll get into the detail after that. Okay, sounds good.

Yes. Yeah. So those are two of the really big ones. Those are the biggest ones right now. And I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what the overarching sickness is. Mm-hmm. Plyced everybody.

Mm-hmm. Yep. I don't know about in your world. It's ego. Yep. It's ego. It's ego. Yep. It's ego I don't I don't get sick. Okay. See you here tomorrow I don't think that okay and then or like or like oh, actually, like, I actually, we were in war right now.

So, is it okay? Yeah, all right, you're being stubborn. Okay, see you here tomorrow. Yeah. It's just like, I, you know, it's like, oh, I didn't come in. I didn't think I should come in earlier

because it didn't feel serious. Usually goes away on a tone. Okay, see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. Yeah. I was a vampire and died, and then I was fine. Yeah, see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. I was cursed by a coin in my and then I was fine. Yeah, see you tomorrow. We'll see tomorrow

I was cursed by a coin in my arm fell off and I put a branch in it See tomorrow. See you tomorrow. I heard that one before you then see tomorrow We've heard it and and or seen it very few bad things have happened to me since I've been here See you tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, physically. Yeah, there we go Gosh, I mean, it's just like and it's just like we get tired. We like helping but it's just like can people stay helped for a little while Yeah, yeah, I'm on fire right now. I will I will absolutely refuse to My gosh, you just set a fight another inmate on fire. That's a shot six shots You just set a fight another inmate on fire. That's a shot six shots. Oh

Fairly a That really smells bad. Yes, of course it smells Well, you know why it's because he's got that fungus on his hand. Yes, I want to find out what this fungus becomes Oh God, it could be a good friend of mine. Yes, well, it will be it will be someone I can tell you that Oh, it is gonna be a living separate entity. Why can't I tell you that? Oh, wonderful. I can't wait to find out. Notice how I omitted good or friend.

Oh, so. Oh, so. I'll just leave it at that. Well, I do wanna combine learn, so perhaps you can help me then. Well, then you'll be lodging for two if you know what I mean. So, let me just leave it at the house. Okay. All right Please really smells bad. Yeah, that's gonna smell. I mean you already smell bad enough. Thank you very much

It's a rude thing to say If I may ask is that a bird in this? And you get there's often a bird in my bed. Oh my gosh. Hey little guy bird in there. Yes, there's often a bird in my beard. Oh my gosh, a little guy. This is very sweet. That's a lovely, a narrow one of my favorites. Oh my goodness. Oh my god. Oh, hello little little man. Oh, you know what? There's also a tiny snake in your beard. Oh, oh. We're probably on a drip thing. Sure. Oh, yeah, it's Ernie. There you go. Wow. Lovely. It's part of an evil entity that's made up of thousand snakes. Oh, he's taken to you.

Yeah. Oh, there he goes. Where'd him his way around? Oh my gosh, he's really getting in there. Well, if he's eaten his own tail. Oh, oh, well, he was hungry. And now he's gone. That was amazing. I didn't think that would work.

That was beautiful. Wow, interesting. It looks like nature has given us the real magic today. I couldn't help but notice that myself. I couldn't help but notice it either, myself. Interesting. I noticed it myself. Yes, me too. help but notice that myself. I couldn't help but notice either myself. Interesting. I noticed it myself. Yes, me too. I've noticed that myself. I noticed it. Well, I love you, dear. You two are very sweet. Yeah, thank you. I'm sorry I was so doubting of you when I first arrived. Well, you're not the first. I can see that you love each other, that you're very committed to your natural remedies, your herbal ways, and here's a bag of 100 gold coins.

Oh! It's not necessary, but we didn't ask everyone can spout here, that we didn't ask for anything, everyone saw that happen. Oh, yeah, nothing up our sleeve. Nope, that snake is gone. Oh, yeah, so, here we go. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.

Well, that's maybe an extension. Thank you. But that's cons of the ones you don't even know how they got to where they got. Yeah. I knew that was the right thing to do. So, Fig, in Maple, it's been so great to meet you guys and to sort of learn a little more about herbs and fune. This has been fun, we don't get out that much. So this is really nice.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry about the circumstances, you know, can you part of me for one moment? I need to go to the bottom. I'll be right back Yeah, hey guys Can you meet me here? Oh Oh my glasses shattered wow, but I squeeze it too hard. Yeah, I. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my room. There we go. Concrete walls, concrete doors. Concrete, what's the sounding more and more ominous by the moment? No, it's verbalists. Be honest guys, be honest guys. Potteds? Well, I've fallen into a potter too in my mixing. That's what I meant.

Yeah, when you're mixing some air, yeah. Sorry, back to concrete. Yeah, he comes down the stairs. Concrete, hot banging around, is it? And the concrete is solidifying slowly and I'm within an inch of my life. I'm a potter elbow deep in pepper root and I have to come over and I'll get them out of there. You're in the garden and you slip over the garden wall and you got a pot on your. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh man. Oh, I'm a thawed head. My vision is fuzzy and I have some creative ideas. So yeah, big time pothead, a few sometimes. I love all the sound effects that go into like, what the ailments are. It's like, I feel like it's the car talk of herbalism. The what?

The what talk? Is that similar to wagon talk? Uh, what's wagon talk? Oh, wagon talk is great. Wagon talk, yeah, is kind of a dog touring dog show that we see where they just like Wagon Talk and they just talk about being a dog and they're hyperverbal but very charming

and they're very real personalities because you can tell the dogs and brothers. And you're like, oh wow, that's great. I love that people are like, oh man, those dogs talk. But also they wag. Yes. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just like, man, those dogs talk, but also they wag. Yes. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, it's just like,

you don't wanna talk to a dog who's not wagging that, you know, implies something's really the matter. Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really the matter. See how I went low when I said that? I'll make you realize. Honey, I'm on my way. Here we go.

We're real, we're real. Speaking of dogs, the other day I was in the woods and I saw it's the most curious incident of this dog And it was nighttime. It was just like the weird I found this dead dog is so Weird I can't think of any books unrelated can't think of a single book. Oh also have we told you There's a cider house in town now the dark Lord open up a cider house There's a cider house in town now the dark Lord open up a cider house. Oh, yeah It is so good. It's really rule freaking. Yeah, if you have a chance get there

You're gonna pass right by the sea for a little while and there's this like kind of grandpa guy Who floats on his little boat? Yeah, yeah, and so you'll see him that's how you know you're on the right well and the old man is named All the light his name is all the light. And he's like, here, come see with me. I'm like, all the light I cannot see. I just can't do it. Yeah, right?

But he's a cool guy, yeah. Bible. Chant, do you have any emails? This is an email from Holden Hansen. He says, Holden, sorry? I know a Holden who lives in the Rye. I'm not holding. No, no, you said his name was Holden. I? I know a Holden who lives in the Rye. I'm not holding. No, no, you said his name was Holden.

I know a Holden, but he lives in the Rye. Oh. Oh, yes, he plays the catcher. Just to play the catch game. Yes. Oh, sure. What's the catch game? Throw a ball back and forth, catch it.

Yeah, and the ball's like, catch me if you can. It's pretty fun. Holden says, why do you only do one episode a week? Huh. Why do we do so many? Well, I don't know, it's just a nice weekly thing to do. I guess we could do more, but there was that one week we did too, and then the Dark Lord attacked, so.

So I'm not gonna do that again. Yeah. You mean the Book Club attacked? Oh, sorry, the Book Club attacked. The, sorry the book club attack the book club attack I also have an email here from Dennis, harmerson I said surviving the dark lord. I'm glad to hear you chant and you said or this is clear for Arnie Managed to survive the dark lord's attack, but I haven't yet heard you address the person that everyone is clearly most concerned about Have you heard anything about what became of pizza skull during or after the attack?

Hmm, I don't I see pizza I- I assume Pizza Skull. I assume Pizza Skull is fine. He's usually fine. Or he's dead and back in Pizza Hell. That could be, but then he'd probably be working his way through the seven pizza feats to return to Foon's Foon's Pizza Champion. That's true. You see, you even know a lot about Pizza Skull. Well, he's a good friend of mine.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. He's a Skull made of pizza, he's fun. Yeah. I hope he's okay. I'm sure he's a good friend of mine. Oh, that's true. Yeah. He's a skull made of pizza. He's fun. Yeah. I hope he's OK. I'm sure he's fine. He's not the person I'm most worried about. I'm certainly not.

And I'm sure he'll pop up again soon enough. Yeah. Well, too soon, probably. Probably. Already do you have any email? I do. Here's one. Hi, gang.

Sorry to hear you are still being kept as prisoners under the dark Lord. Fortunately, I may have found a way to help. Use it or, as I understand it, the potion you are made to kept as prisoners under the Dark Lord, fortunately I may have found a way to help. Use it or as I understand it, the potion you are made to drink has weakened you and cut off your access to magic. But what if instead of drinking the potion, you imbibed it through one of your two buttholes? What did have the opposite effect? I figure it's worth a shot, good luck, Patrick W. Woolbert. Oh that's a very good idea, but fear not Patrick Patrick for I have already regained my wizardly prowess You start is that how you regained your wizardry powers? I well no

I just I just started throwing the potion in the corner of my cell I realized I don't need to drink it. They just give it to me and then they walk away So I do I drink it. Oh, I got enough water. I'm fine. So I quit drinking it And I and I and now I just play the fool. Play the weak old man, oh please. Minions of the Dark Lord don't hurt me. While here in Hanks' face I gather information, and all sorts of manner of wisdom,

and since I'd secrets about the Dark Lord and his minions, so that I may rise up and defeat the Book Club. The Book Club, the Book. You know know we were asking people to send email us in plans to defeat the book club We should try it so next time you give them that potion just put it in one of your buttholes and see what happens That's a shot. Okay Do it safely though if you're gonna put anything in any kind of butthole just make sure you're sanitizing That's it. I just realized I can't go and live with you because I'm actually imprisoned here in the Vermilion Minotaur.

And I'm sort of committed to this revolutionary road that I'm on right now. So. You're not getting your money back. Oh, that's fair. That seems reasonable. All right. Fine.

Are your friends, are your friends, they do the bar, are they prisoners, too, I suppose? Oh no, they're free to go about town. All right. Everyone's kind of in the stuck in the town, but they're free to go about the town. Yeah, they're having amazing adventures. They might be cavalier, you know, but They they play put say put Any bucks. Oh look at this blemish made a cradle for one of his cats It's very cute TV guide

Nope, that's not one. Remember, none of that really happened. No need to keep track of chunk being a guard now, but not really. I feel like when fans of Enterprise try to explain the temporal cold war. Use it all the wizard was played by Jeffrey Tambor. Can you imagine? Oh, I was just so happy for a second. No, he was played by Matt Young. Look, it just started raining. Shunch the Badger Guard was played by a series of literature puns crammed inside a human shell that were calling Adelrify. The milkweeds were played by special guests to Emma Pope and Nick Mestad.

They're doing a show together, Nick and Emma, May 30th at the annoyance in Chicago. And Nick has another two-person show, K&N, Thursdays at the I.O. Theatre. Emma, you could go and watch that one. And Glen Weldon, one of the hosts of Top Torture Happy Hour, was played by Glen Weldon, one of the hosts of NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour. He recently took the cast of this podcast out for drinks. How was it you ask? Oh, all I had to drink that night was an abandoned mint and soda.

That's all right, Glenn. You've made your bed, and a bed made with public radio money has a low thread count indeed. Check out Glenn's book The Caped Crusader, Batman and the Rise of Nerd Culture, and all the places books are sold, so online. Craig, I've got another case of the old boardies, Batman and the Rise of Nerd culture, and all the places books are sold. So online. Craig, I've got another case of the old boardies, so I'm gonna just- Wait a minute, wait, wait, we actually have an email here that came in for you. An email to me? Let me see that. Subject line for the mysterious man.

Mysterious, I'm the only one telling it like it is. I was just wondering since you previously mentioned that we may be headed towards a level for Cataclysmic event. Ugh, or we ever. How many levels of such circumstances are there? And do they get worse with higher numbers or the opposite? Is each level a specific style or series of cataclysm? Can such events be created artificially by mortals?

Or only by the technologically advanced equipment aboard the space bunker? Any consideration is appreciated. From herbicide. How nice to hear from one of the fanbase that's paying attention. Herbicide, there are six levels of cataclysm. The numbers for categorization, not severity. One, ancient god resurfacing, two total protonic reversal, three, baking-related, four space-time Fisher cascade,

five visible spectrum collapsing into only yellow, 6 unstoppable dance party. Oh, and we don't cause cataclysms in the space bunker, we sort them out. While making friends and learning along the way, thanks for reaching out herbicide, and if you really are herbicide, stop killing all the bees, dumbass, Craig, operating the charting array in the East Wing requires extreme focus, No matter how long it takes, do not disturb me. But maybe push some snacks through the viewing orifice every few hours. When I'm peckish, I transmogrify into Joan Collins. Uh-huh, I got a completely different answer when I asked him.

Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba, and Rhyndi Georgi. This one edited by Rhyndi Georgi, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller Lebon, additional audio effects by Jason Knuck, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com, or on Facebook or Twitter, and visit aloefrommagictavern.com to buy cool things, like a poster or an awesome print of phone. Thanks for Chicago podcast, come up, and thanks to Ear Wolf.

Also, it sounds like he's gonna be busy for a couple of weeks, so if you guys have any questions you want me to answer on an episode of Craigcast, now's the time to send them in. Okay, I don't know why I'm whispering, he's gone. Bye. you