Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 95 - Woodland Creatures (Live from PodCon with Demi Adejuyigbe and Miel Bredouw)

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

A bird and mouse that fly in Arnie’s window every morning and help him get dressed stop by to chat. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFontleroy Obama: Demi AdejuyigbePepper: Miel BredouwTricia While Wearing Craig's Hat: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey everyone, this is Tricia. Sorry for the Craig voice. We're still on hold with the bunker, Hyke Man, that I want to be ready at a moment's notice. Also, Craig's dulcet tones are really doing wonders for my confidence. I feel like we don't talk enough about what a great voice Craig has. Craig would never be so bold as to say that himself, but I, Tricia, just had to acknowledge it. Anyway, the following podcast is not real, but it was really recorded live in Seattle at PodCon 2. So if someone references something visual that can't be captured in the podcast medium, just trust that it was hilarious.

Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to podcasts, oh, there are so many animals here today, but if you've never listened to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know about, you know, that, let's not put a time on it.

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we all are now. In the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon, and you know the tavern, I don't know, I know it's called a magic tavern, so I don't know if it really has magical properties,

but sometimes it seems smaller to me, and sometimes it just seems much, much bigger to me than usual. So it's just like a busy night in the tavern, just kind of looking around. I definitely, I see a little red riding hood. I definitely see a sign that says, this says, ask me about my quests. I will get to that.

I see like a surprising number of badgers, like a really big badger back there. Wait, John, is that, is that John? No, no, they don't know. They're like, I have no, I don't know who I am. And there's, I think a raccoon who is staring me down. Just staring, oh no. But anyway, I am so excited to share this evening with all of you here in the tavern, and also to share it with my good bud.

He is a shapeshifter, but he is pretty much always a badger. Give it up for Chunth the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby. Bingbong. Chun please. Get with. Is that all? What are we messing with? Come get B.S.uit. Maybe don't know. No.

Shon's up with that. I said, listen better. Shon Harley way. Shon Harley way. It's my wife. Arnie, did you, let's just get our pandering out of the way as much as possible up front. Arnie, did I miss your new podcast up top?

That new podcast you've been doing where you just say the shit you see in the room? Yeah. I hate to miss that. Well, you know, eventually we'll all have our own spin-off podcast that are, you know, reasonably interesting. Get nuts, get nuts, get nuts. Yeah, absolutely.

How have you been, bud? I've been fine. Oh, that means bad. That means bad, but an impassive aggressive Oh, that means bad. That means bad, but in a passive aggressive way. It means bad, but it means I want you to ask me about it. Okay, I'll get to that. I'm fine.

Hey, what? Tell me about your quest. Tell me. So, all right. What's going on, my badger bud? So, I've been doing fine because, you know, I've been on your computer and I've been looking up our stats, because there's, you have something that shows our podcast stats. We have stats.

And I've been looking at our target demographic and the people who listen to us most are perverts between the age of 65 and 80. And I feel like we should be appealing to a younger crowd. Like I wanna be, I wanna feel hip and young. I wanna appeal to like the youth. Look perverts between the age of 65 and 80 listen to us the most, but they don't listen to us the best. Oh, I don't know what that means. I don't either.

What can we do to like, youthify our podcast? Oh, I think that's a mistake. I feel like the younger we try to pretend that we are the older we really seem. Mm, yeah, but I'm sure you've come out with some ideas. No. Maybe we could try like, Oh, just off the top of my dome.

Off the top of my dome. Maybe we could try just like fun new words for stuff or like speaking like youths do. Okay. So like call me a badgy, like a shape-y shift. Mm-hmm. Like isn't that like a baby talk? So like a baby talk.

Okay, we already check, we already do that. Okay. Oh, we do, we do that. What do you, the youth do on earth? The youth on earth basically just don't engage with the same media that the old people do. And then the old people are like, why don't the young people like the media that I like? And that's the extent of what separates old from young? Yeah, or fortnight. I don't know. That's what I hear.

Okay. What are the young, what are the young, what are the very young of food do? Die. It's a hard reality in this world. Maybe we need to die to be appreciated. You first. That would bump listen.

Chant, are you feeling old? Yeah. Are you old? This is for a badger? This used to be black yesterday. That was all black. But that's just like juices, mostly, back there. Excuse me.

Yoke. Yoke. What are you saying? Like an egg yolk. That's juicy back there, yolk, like an egg yolk. Mm-hmm. I'm going to ask you this one time. Are you having a stroke?

Ah. Johnny, you having a stroke? Oh, Johnny, you're a little too old to understand. Do you see back there, yo, yo, like an egg yolk? All the kids know what I'm talking about. I also love when the tavern is just this big, but you can somehow still just hear one person go, what? Well, if, you know, if people in the tavern have any questions, they can always email me at chuntatjima.com

that's chant with six teas. If they have any questions for us or our guests or any tips for claiming some youth. Yeah, some just youthful tips. Yeah, absolutely. But you know, speaking of the very young, not. That's like, I'm really on my segue game. Careful.

I'm really on my segue game. I'd also love to talk to my other co-host, Yusador, the wizard. CHEERING Hi. I am Yusador. Wizard of the 12th realm of auffin's Master of Light and Shadow, Minimulator of Magical Delights, D'Vaour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Tarakas,

the elves know me shut up, the elves know me as Svian Yalek, the... The dwarves know me as Zonin and Hook Stangies, and Omdun in the northeast has gasmanious may star but what speak not ye those are the secret names that I have tried so carefully to hide for a fleeing one of them were uttered aloud most assuredly horses would become cows, cows would become ducks, ducks would become houses, and houses would be sold at a very high price. So, the rates would go through the roof. How you doing, buddy? Oh, I'm very good. I heard you're speaking about youth culture while I was waiting at the bar.

And I thought to myself, why don't I just go live another 50 years? So I opened up a small portal and now I'm 360 years old. What? I lived another 50 years while the two of you were talking. What did you learn? Well, I mostly went into a small pocket dimension where I became a blacksmith. And there, as a smithy, I did learn to create horseshoes and annavils,

and great weapons of power, and then I fell down, and I hit my head, and I forgot how to do all of it. Old people love talking about their hobbies. I've also never heard of a blacksmith making an annavil. It's the first thing you have to make. What are you making with? Wouldn't you like to know? I mean, I would.

That would be 10,000 gold pieces if you want to take my how-to blacksmith class. Ooh, Ernie, don't pass up the sale. How do you know it's on sale? You can just tell. Bagen rate like 10,000 gold? Of course, it's a sale. Well can you give me a taste? Like what's one thing that I would learn

if I signed up for your blacksmithing class? Heat up metal. Ooh. Until it's liquid. Ooh. And then pour it into other things. Ooh. That was like three things.

I think I'm gonna pass. I think I'm gonna pass on the blacksmithing class. All right, you're lost. Yeah. You said, or you're in touch with the youth culture of food. Sure. What do you think, what do you see that the young people of food really like to do?

Well, the young people of food these days, they like to wear backwards baseball caps and put one... What's baseball in Finn? It's that ball that sits on top of a base and then you put a little cap on top of it. Okay. What did you, when you were a kid,

and you said, what was the term you used? You saw Kennedy shot? What was the, when were you born? I was born on the bicentennial of my country and my world, which is really not useful. I don't wanna explain any of those things to you. Your world is only 200 years old. Oh, well, I'm excited that you know what a bicentennial is.

The, oh, my world, look. If you ask the Bible how old my world is, it'll tell you a different story, but my world, look. If you ask the Bible, how old my world is, it'll tell you a different story. But my world is very old, and I was born in 1976. 1976, okay. And what did you do as a kid? Like how would you kill time? You know, I was just, I would wander around

and I would be bored, and I would turn on the TV, and I would watch just whatever was on. Like there were shows that I watched every day that I hated, like I just actively hated those shows, but like that was on, and I wanted to watch TV. Wow. Oh, you know what, I've been trying to take a little more care of myself as you really.

Yeah, you know, obviously I only have a limited amount of clothes that I brought with me through the dimensional portal, but I get dressed every day. I realize only recently that I haven't been dressing myself in the morning. Oh, you just sleep in those clothes? You just realized that recently? Well, you know what I mean? Do you ever like, don't talk to me before I've had my coffee kind of thing, or don't talk to me before I'm- I've had four or five beers, yes. Yeah, BVI, exactly. And sometimes I'm just sort of like, what, how did I get dressed this morning? I realized that the creatures of the forest fly in the window of my room and get me dressed.

Can I just say as a universal truth? Mm-hmm. Don't talk to me before I've gotten dressed. Right? That should be a thing. Yeah, that's probably pretty good. Don't talk to me before I've gotten dressed. Look, basically if I'm out and about and you run into me and I haven't gotten dressed yet,

just as a courtesy, don't talk to me. Yeah. If I'm totally naked or you know what? Not even totally naked. What's the right amount of naked to be like, oh, I should leave them alone? Balls? How many animals did you say dress you?

You know what, there are so many woodland creatures. Oh, but you know what, we could probably learn a little more about it. Would you want to talk to some of the woodland creatures that get me dressed in the morning? Oh, very much so, yes. Okay, well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very excited to talk to the woodland creatures that get me dressed in the morning. Wow. They're so timid probably because they dress you. How wonderful. Hi.

You should have put out your finger. What a beautiful little bird. No, I didn't. Look at them. That's all right. Hello, little bird. Hello, little mouse. Hello.

How are you doing? You mind? I'm so sorry. I should know this already, but but a little bird. What's your name? You don't know your names of the people who have seen you every day for the past week and you don't know my name. I'll put your underwear on for you and you don't know my name. That's rude. It's very rude. I'm more of a face person. Okay. Describe my face. Now, now that you've seen it. Alright, help me through this, you said, or beac, beac, and also just like eyes. Yeah. And feathers, feathers. Um, and his feathers. Feathers, feathers. Beautiful, beautiful plumage. Beautiful, beautiful plumage. Um, and also just like a devil-man-care attitude. All right, you passed.

All right! Okay. Fantastic. My name is Faunt La Roy. Faunt La Roy! Faunt La Roy, Obama. Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Fartler Roy Obama. Yeah, thanks, Obama, for being here.

Yeah, you're very welcome. Fartler, you would think I would remember that name. Why, is this a weird about it? No, I actually, I like, you know, I have warm associations with all parts of that name. Right. Good. Oh, but also a little mouse. What's that name. Right. Good. Oh, but also a little mouse.

What's your name? Pepper. Pepper? Hey, Pepper, are you doing OK? Yeah, just thing. I kind of prefer to work in the shadows. And to be out under the light, it's just, you know, I feel like always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and here he am.

Getting to be a bride, and it's just, you know, it's not- Did you tell her she's getting married today? I don't, I don't think so. Pepper, do you think you're getting married or today? I hoped. Oh, my heart just broke. Oh, oh, Pepper, I have bad news. Arnie is already married and Chant is engaged. We married very soon.

Probably, who knows when this is going to come out? I mean, some of us hope it goes badly. Do you need any food for your wedding? Did I, did Chant, do you need any food for your wedding? Did I... Did... Chunk, do you need any food for your wedding? Um, I think I'm covered, but can I ask, what would you bring? I'm trying to get a catering company off the ground.

Okay. But everyone just sees me as a fashion person because of my dressing career. And I don't know. I just feel like no one takes me seriously as a chef. PEPA, have you ever considered hiding under a human chef's hat? I had a dream like that once. But my tail was bigger and pinker and hairless. And I was in France.

France? Yes, France is a place in Fune full of fragile ants. I was going to ask, although I know what they did. F-R-A-N-T-S, France. We've dressed a lot of princesses there. That's how the plural for princess, princess? Yes, I. It's a saw.

It makes sense to me. Pepper, can I ask about your dressing career? Yeah. I've never heard that phrase. It's full. Me and Fought La Roy. We actually met at the same audition. It was a pretty slow waiting room process. We'd signed in. I saw the name and I was like same audition. It was a pretty slow waiting room process.

We'd signed in. I saw the name and I was like, whoa, okay, huh? She made fun of my nine for 20 minutes. Yeah, I could be a real bitch. But turns out we just work really well together. Yeah. Nice eye for color. I handle everything below the belt.

Cheekies for the tops. No, I don't do a genital dressing. No. Oh, now I'm hungry for salad. I do that. You look genital dressing on your salad? Yeah, no. Nice chives in there.

You like to drop a couple of croutons on me. I just feel like my name's Pepper. You know, it's right there. Yeah. It's kind of like why I just feel like my name's Pepper, you know, it's right there. Yeah. It's kind of like why I don't like dressing very much and I'm trying to become a sea captain. Ooh. You laugh at me? No, I'm so certain.

No, I was just so excited for you that you're going to become a sea captain. Yeah, I'm going to become a sea captain. He's really good with boats. I'm so good at boats. A bird who is a sea captain. Oh's really good with boats. I'm so good at boats a bird who is a sea captain Oh Fantloroio, Bama will you join my quest so I can charter your boat? Art where we going?

Well, we're going all of a food to defeat the evil Dark Lord. I'm really more of a recreational Okay, do you have a chef for your boat? recreational, uh, say sort of. Do you have a chef for your boat? Uh, no, we don't have a chef on my boat. Do you want to do the sheffing? If you want me, if you please. Yeah, can you, uh, I'll really only eat like high and little bits of like nuts and legumes that I'll find on the ground.

Can you do something like that? Mm, yeah, yeah, loof. I'll don't know what that is, but you're high. Arnie, can you hear the mad scramble for these two to not have to dress up? I know. The first time I start to interview people whose job it is to dress me, they're like,

I'm really trying to get into a different profession entirely. Also, Pepper, with your permission, I'd love for our next t-shirt to be, I don't do genitals. Mm-hmm. You can use that. Great. Speaking of genital dressing, I don't need my genitals to be, I don't do genitals. You can use that. Great. Speaking of genital dressing, I don't need my genitals to be dressed so much.

They just need to be covered. It's cool. Are you sure? Because I was playing on putting a nice condom on there, sometimes keep it warm for you. You know, you can never be too safe. Yeah. A condom for warmth? Really?

And cover it up as much as possible. Why take a chance? Right. Don't want to slip it out, offend somebody. Ooh, we had a princess once. God, it vicious. Try to squat. Didn't go out so well.

It just kind of flo- it's just, you know. You ever seen that? No, no, stand up. Yeah, yeah. We're flying. We're flying. I'm flying. I'm flying flop, it's just, you know. You ever seen that? No, no, stand up. Yeah, yeah. We're flying, flying, flying, flying. Okay. So I'll remember, I went to a, we call them a concert, really.

And I saw this man, his name is Leonard, Leonard Crabitz. Oh, okay. I fell a bit, and he was dancing, he squat too low, right, and his chin was just flopped right out. Oh, very embarrassing. He's a little bit, and he was dancing. He squat too low, and his chin was just flat-wrought out. Oh, very embarrassing. He's a beautiful and talented bird with a huge penis. Absolutely. Just a massive, makes you think he's got a third leg under there.

Yeah. And when his penis came out, you're like, I shouldn't start a conversation with him. Yeah, yeah. Should have put a condom on. Should have put a condom on. I tried to get in there, give him a business card. He wasn't having it. He, I tried to get in there. I give him a business card. He wasn't having it

He locked his penis out and about so have you two been dressing princess I for a long time It's been what? four five thousand thousand four five thousand years. Yeah, I know we don't look at day over two thousand Yeah, you know she's older than me Really I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Yeah. It's okay, I'm used to it. Oh, no age means nothing.

If you're constantly chasing after a youth culture, what could be more pathetic? That's very true. Yeah. And you're both in your prime, as far as I'm concerned, capable, and looking for new ventures in your life. How exciting.

It reminds me of my favorite Leonard Kravitz song. Oh, you know Leonard. Yes, that's my favorite one. Yeah. That one's called Fly Away. I believe, yeah, that's one of my favorites for obvious reasons. Uh, now, Fahleroy and Pepper, may I ask you both a question? Do you think Arnie is a princess? In some ways.

A lot, always. Do you want to get into it? Sometimes we put the wrong pants on him and he's just very, very busting it about it. You know, he's a princess in a lot of ways. Okay. Well, what qualifies someone to be a princess other than being born into royal blood? It's a mood. It's a mood. It's an attitude. All right. I like it. I know for myself, I would love to hear the ways

that you think that I'm a princess, but I know if you put a P under my mattress, I cannot sleep. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but like, you know, just rollover. Yeah. Why is it all problem? There's a P under your mattress. Yeah. Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I meant, if there's just, you know, just rollova. Yeah. Why is it all problem? There's a pee on the mattress.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, I'm sorry. I meant, if there's pee on my mattress, I cannot sleep. That's another reason for the condom. Yeah. It keeps all the pee locked in. What are some of the princesses that do have you worked for?

I mean, we're going to violate some NDAs now. We're talking about princesses. Never discuss anyone. Yeah, this was anyone. That's brutal. We can tell you what they run with. Yeah, snorkel. Snorkel?

Blow blight. Blinderrella. Bleeping beauty. Jamie,, la, bleeping beauty. Jamie, you worked for Reeping Beauty? I can't, oh sorry, sorry. She, Reeping Beauty was a terrible princess who traveled all across the land, gathering the most beautiful people she could

and throwing them into a dungeon, reaping their very beauty from them. And her genitals were always covered very well. Well, that's good. Guess why. And the top half too. Yeah, the top half was pretty good. Yeah, a lot of capes.

I'm a big fan of a cape. I see that's a very delightful little cape that you're wearing there. Thank you. I just feel like it adds a certain gennessy quat. And? Jenny said what? Jenny said quat. Soared from France. Yeah. From the fr- the- what was it, frantic ants? certain genocide quat. Jenny said what? Jenny said quat.

Soward from France. Yeah. From the, what was it, franticans? Franticans. Franticans. Franticans. But they're frantic when you break them.

All right. And they're really fragile about saying words wrong. Yeah. Words are odd. Yeah. Now, if the two of you dress princesses and Arnie, who dresses you? We have a helper, you know, I have a tiny, like a bird, I call him my son,

but he's not related to me. Oh, and I don't know how you do it. Me? I'm interested in myself. You do it yourself. Huh, I've been saving up money from this dress and job, get myself an assistant, and I guess you've been saving up money from this dress and job, get myself an assistant, and I guess you've been saving it for all the reasons.

I figured making dressings is good practice for my catering company. It's a joke. Is it not? Pepper, will you join mine quest to become the chef who feeds the great heroes and warriors and elves and dwarves and birds and eagles and awning and makeup artists and everyone who travels across food looking to fight evil wherever we do cross its path I and we shall not rest until evil is vanquished I but a short respite we will take, I lied, we will rest, and

we shall eat pepper's food. Is there a perdion? It's sort of a pro bono thing fun at first. And then once we defeat evil, we'll be showered with glory and riches I'm sure. Maybe, let me circle back. Okay, all right, I'll think about it. Think about it. Thank you, though. Oh, well Thank you. Is being showered in glory like being paid an exposure? Yes. Yes, it is

We do have some cousins in the showering business and there is such a thing Um like as a cleaning product Uh-huh showering someone in glory. Are you talking about pain again? Yeah. Is that why there's so much pee on my mattress? I mean, where are the condoms, you know?

Look, we show up from 7 a.m. to 9. What happens in every other time is none of all business? We don't get paid enough. Yeah, we don't get paid. You don't pay us very much at all. I pay you an exposure Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie Come here. Yeah, yeah, get under the table. Careful. Someone's gonna tell me to sit down under the table Under the table listen right now We're interviewing a 2,000 year old mouse about pissing the bed.

This is why we have 65 to 80 year old perverts listening. We gotta spin this man. We can't have 2,000 year old creatures talking about pissing the bed. You're right, we gotta get a younger class of pervert listening to this channel. That's what I'm saying. Jump, do you mind? We'll take a little, because I feel like I'm too close to this. You know what I'm saying. Jump, do you mind? I feel like I'm too close to this.

You know what I mean? Like these are the woodland creatures that every morning I get up and I go, and they fly. What do you do? I go, it sounds better in the acoustics in my room. I can't imagine. Hey, does it leave? Does Arnie need to be dressed right now?

Yeah, what's that? Oh, you're there? You need to be on the way. You've been pissing yourself. Where did he go? I don't know. He just walked to the left and then disappeared. Let's get back out.

Okay. Oh, there you are. Hey, you're still dressed. I am. Yeah, I... You want to add more clothes? You need to change a condom. Did you change it? Do you need help? Let me just get that condom off you

To pick up line if I ever heard No hold on Fondleroy is very professional with very professional boundaries around you thinking it's a sexual thing. No No, it was a non thing? No. No. It was a non-sexual p-condom. Yeah. It was a sheath. All right, if Obama wants to change, that's fine.

Yeah, I'm here for change and change alone. All right, and together, if you want change, we can do it. Yes, we can. You know, I actually have a question for Font LaRoy and Pepper. What are your home lives like? Hmm, not.

Like at the end of the day, what is it like? Well, let's start with you, Pepper. What? Like when you go home after getting me dressed. So I go back to my hall and it's pretty sad because it's just me and it's a pretty big hole. And then I just make a little bed out of dirt, and I eat a crumb.

Fuck, maybe that's good. It's a big crumb. Oh, it's a big crumb. It's actually, I'm getting weight. Crumbs are getting too big, but I just go bed and I wake up in a dream. After I'm awake, a dream. Arnie, this is not the hot content,

the 25 to 40 year olds wants. You ever thought about breaking that crumb down into smaller crumbs? Now we're talking. That's a really good idea. No, I haven't. You ever need someone to come in and just pick those crumbs into smaller crumbs?

Hey. Yeah. Why do we figure that out already? You never informed me of anybody at all. Hey, some birds don't belong in holes. Okay, well now you just, I'm right, it's, I'm right here. I don't wanna hold you back. Okay, well, it feels like it holds me back from my potential as a crumb raker.

When really all I want to do is be your friend. But I thought you wanted to be a sailor. I do wanna be a sailor, but I wanna be a sailor, but he was also your friend. You know, I'll go out and sail the seas, and then I come home, and I'll stop by your place, and I'll just break a crumb open. Pepper, what of the hardest things to do is to love yourself enough to accept the love of another?

Pepper, you are worthy of Obama's love. LAUGHTER Wait, I'm sorry. You think that's one of the hardest things to do? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem?

Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem?

Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? Have you ever tried breaking the problem? They are the thing. Well, that's fair enough. I take that criticism and I hear it. But it seems like pepper is struggling with accepting your help and I just want to help her. Yeah, you're right.

I want you to be friends. I want you to be great friends. Hi, the greatest friends who ever existed to boom companions ready to join Yusodor on a quest to defeat evil wherever it does race. It's terrible face. Arnie, Arnie, Yusod all just shook his fist at the sky.

We need younger content. Hold on, hold on. I heard some people outside. Get to off our porch. Get out of here. Get out of here, oaks. You know what? I never looked outside of the tavern door

at that ominous citadel. Oh, I think that was Spintax's house. Oh, my. You know, I was just thought that was like a giant spy, that she'd align to the sky, and then it's a signal that evil's coming. Oh, God. Yeah, I heard there's an evil man

that's ruining the citadel named George Bezos. George Bezos. George Bezos, wow. He doesn't tip either. He does, yeah, he does, he does conjure evil, he does have spiders. They're mostly Zaddy long legs. You ever notice that, Joe Bezos kind of looks like a very buff, Awe Mendel. Awe Mendel is our friend, you probably wouldn't understand that reference.

He's an owl. He is an owl. He's no hair or feathers at all. Nah, it loves a fist bump. He's really good at magic. Oh, he's great at doing deals, he's also great at doing no deals. Mm-hmm. Ooh, yeah.

Yeah, he has a whole world with his friend Bobby. Yeah, he ever been the Bobby's world. Yeah, Arnie, don't you know? Don't you know about it? About Bobby's world? Don't you know? No, I'll vaguely. Don't you know?

I made friends with the Orcs, and I helped one of them get into college, and I learned an important lesson. Oh, that's nice I've got a question. Oh any of those Orcs cops are they cops? Yeah, I knew an Orc there was a cop and he was a friend with a friend of mine And he wasn't very bright. He wasn't very bright. That's for sure But he was like, you know, it's weird, because in some ways an orc is a lot like, I'm just gonna say it, like a different race of person. And I think that that's a very...

I'm a rite. I'm just saying, if you're the one person who can't see that. That's right. Yeah, that's a black bird. I just think that it's a lot easier. You know, it's a sort of, I don't know, a metaphor to think about how, you know, being racist to an orc is a lot like being racist

to an African-American. Just two words I made up to describe as the person I was talking to. Sorry. Sorry to make up a slur. Hey, also, I feel like I just want to take a second because you didn't say you're a routine after work. I just kind of talked.

Oh yeah, what's your homework? What is it like when you go home and live inside a pie? First of all, I can say it, you can know. Oh! Sorry. Secondly, I'm a little embarrassed, but when I get off work, you know, it's 9 AM. We'll just head my cup of tea.

I'll put you a condom on. I'll go home and I'd like to practice my C-shanthes. He's really good. We can do share. One of your shoes. Oh yeah, calm down. I got home. And I'd like to practice my C-Shanties. Ooh. He's really good. We can do share one of your C-Shanties. I'm so glad that you're back. Wait, wait, wait. After you do one of your C-Shanties,

will you use your share one of your C-Shanties? Yes, C-Shanties. Oh, you do C-Shanties, huh? Oh, yes, of course I do. Well, I love to share you one of my C-Shanties. Ooh, wow. I can't wait to hear him singing in the dead of night. This one's called, oh, oh, the winds, the mountains blow.

Did you just come up with the show? This is my favorite. No, he does this one. Up and back sentence one for 30 years. One more time, repeat it. Oh, well, if you want to end the original language, it's, oh, the winds, the mountains blow. Oh, the winds, the mountains blow. Or the winds, the mountains blow. Mountains blow.

Yeah. It goes a little something like this, I believe. And then there's like about 10 more stanzas of that. And then it has a key change. And I'll bring it a little drum machine. It modulates. It's really cool. Yeah. What would a drum machine be? You know, it's like, you know how you get a drum right? And then, well, so a drum machine.

Does anybody mean look? Fantilar, I'm sure you all know what a drummer's scene is. Difficult to describe. So, I've seen one. But I think Fantil really. I feel like I just, I was really slurring my speech there. Drum machine. Oh.

Drum machine. And, you know, a machine is just the sort of little cover that goes over the drum that makes it all shiny. I'm bringing that in. And it makes it sound like a little like a, boom, boom boom. Yeah, there's drum sheens and there's drum estavevs but they're really yeah. Sometimes you need to put a little tug of blood on the drum machine. Just makes it, you know, it's winning combination. So winning combination. Arnie are you musical at all?

You've never talked about music. Do you play every morning I get up and I go, oh, do you need to get dressed? Yeah, we've been meaning to talk about that. You can't just do that, oh, really nearly when you don't need to get dressed. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Kind of a trigger.

Yeah, it's a trigger for her and it's just a very annoying thing for me. So I'll come to your window and you're just like, Oh, I was just singing a song and I'm just like, Oh, okay. You don't need to cut the chest. I just ran all the way over here. Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You live very far. Where do you live? I mean, she lives. She lives in the hole and I live in the tree, which is like, you know, it's a big tree. So I'm at the top. Just to come down, I got to knock on her hole.

I'm okay. I only spend whistle and... Knocks on my hole at all hours of the night. Yeah. That could be our other shirt. Arnie, we gotta make these shirts to reel in the youths. I'll go outside. We've been working in clothes for a long time.

I don't think the youths love shirts as much as you think they do. Really? Yeah. They like pins. They like pins, um, stickers. Yeah, they like something called hip hop and something called Super Smash Brothers.

I'm not quite sure what it is. I think it's just like, They're from France. Yeah, I think it's a couple of the fragile ants that just really smash their heads into each other. And that's it. But what is this hip hop that the young kids are into? I'll think it's something that one of the rabbits

the dressers use been up to. I'll like you forgetting that a rabbit dresses me. No, they know that you keep forgetting, by the way. They're not happy. It's respectful. There's a reason they didn't come. Yeah. Well, I mean, another shirt. That's a reason they didn't come. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the real reason, if we're being honest, is God-broken leg. Yeah. And he's dealing with a

little financial stresses, because he don't pay him very well. No, his hips aren't so good for his hops. Yeah. That's the saddest phrase I've ever heard. Well, now's your time. Because Arnie put you on the show, because he invited you on, now's your time. You're face-to-face with your boss. What are your demands?

Well, you sort of I will help make sure that you get what you deserve. Change it, Conda, more frequently. Arnie, are you hearing this? I am hearing it. Yeah. Change my condom more frequently. I hope you're listening, Mom. That's one. That's one. I would just say, like, have more of a perspective, you know, on, on what you want to wear and kind of like what your voice is as like a fashion person I mean you've already hired us so like to just kind of say I don't know the usual

It's just not so exciting for us and I also think you're doing yourself a disservice because you have such great bone structure What part what structure of his bones do you like this general shape? Yeah, you got a real shape. It's like a giant tube. It makes it very easy to dress you from the top. A giant turd? I said, tube. TOOB? I'm TOOB.

I'm sorry, I have an accent because I'm not from here. Where are you from? I'm from a little ways down the street. And you know, there's a bit of a line where people speak like you and then they cross into that area, which is my area and they speak differently in food. Yes, so anyway, I'm satisfied with that answer. Thank you. Now, you talk about getting paid an exposure. I wish you would pay a different exposure than exposing yourself. At least just get the underwear on before we get there. Okay, yeah, because I'll do the pants, I'll do the socks, do the shoes.

But it's weird that you just open the window and you're like, oh, and you don't have any pants on. Yeah. Because there are some people who aren't working for you. They just got to see your balls all wheeling in. And I don't like that one bit. Yeah, he sees enough morning wood living in a tree, you know? Yeah, yeah.

We get enough. That's a good point. I'll do that, and I'll be honest. You both do an amazing job, but just having a bird fluttering around, getting my underwear up, it doesn't feel that great. Why do you do it yourself? Why'd you bring it up here?

Yeah. Why are you opening the doors every morning, go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, he don't want us to be pulling you underway up. You know it's gonna happen. Yeah, no, it's gonna happen. I'm not good with confrontation. See, you did it for all these, you know what?

For this to happen? Is this how you fire in us? I didn't know how to say this, but I don't really need to be getting... I can dress myself. What the... I'm a 43-year-old... Why is this happening to me? I got kids, man.

Oh no! You thought you'd do this on air? Everyone. I wanted to do it in a public place, so it wasn't like... Honestly, I'm on that person's side. You love to do everything in a public place, don't you? That's me. Arnie, it's time to come clean.

That could be a show. Everything's a shit today. Earlier today, you told us that you were even aware that they were doing this. And now I hear that you're singing and begging them to do it, and now you're here to fire them. You are a despicable fool. And I, you said, all, great wizard of the blue cloth, shall rise and make this right. I hire you, Pepper, and I hire you, Faultler Oil Bama, to come and dress me every morning.

And I shall pay you six gold pieces a day. Oh, I love it. We get money. Wow, you can afford his workshop in 300 days. I don't really get a bigger hole. Yeah, I'm gonna probably just save it from being honest. And you can rent my hat for six gold pieces a day and live inside my hat. Oh, what a treat.

Wait a minute. No. Wait a minute. You're gonna pay us a certain amount and then ask for that same amount to handle your clothes. Uh, well, you may, all right, I'll decrease the, I'll decrease the rent to six gold a day between the two of you. That's only three a piece. This feels like a hood wink.

It absolutely feels like a hood wink and that's not a reference to the fact that you wearing a hood and that you've been winking at us through this entire, stop it, stop it, you did it again. You said,

you're such a adorable bird. It's unbelievable. I am Disgusted with you absolutely disgusted with both of you. Thank you, and I shape shifter of white and black fur Shall hire you fonto royal by my pepper two Yeah, do you want us to change your socks into something else? That's my one article of clothing. So maybe every day you change my socks.

What kind of necklace? I can pay you in my cut of merch. Which is not a lot. What kind of number we're talking here? Two. Two! Don't even add a currency to everything. One for each of us. I can't do it.

One for each of us. I like it. I love it. Deal, deal. Be your feet smell. Um, sometimes. Hmm. Okay, well, we should ask the question before we agreed to it.

I mean, it's an upgrade from genitals. Do I have to explain that? No. Is it though? It's kind of a lateral move. You know, you can put a condom on your foot. Yeah, do you want a condom on you? Isn't that what a sock is? A condom for your foot.

Mm-hmm. He's just saying the facts. Yeah, I've always called socks foot condoms. You're one of the good ones. Look, Founta Leroy and Pepper, maybe you two should take this as an opportunity. You said you want to get out of the dressing business anyway. It's time to get out there and make your dreams real.

It's not that easy, all right? I got kids, you know? I don't. Right, she doesn't have kids. I can't. It's probably, oh, you can have kids. You see, for a medical reason, or is it just like a...

Emotionally, I can't take it. Okay, so it's not as sad as we thought. That's good. It's gonna say a bit of a dark turn there for you to say Emotionally, I can't take it. Okay, so it's not as sad as we thought. That's good. It's gonna say a bit of a dark turn there for you to say that you can't have kids. Are you, can you hear it? You just fucking fired these two and then you said pursue your dreams.

What do you mean we needed it? I don't know. Yeah, it's kinda hard to pursue your dreams when you've been fired because that means you just gotta start saving. Can't just take off on a trip around the seas of phone. Wait, is he can? Not a cap.

Maybe this is a sign, Farmeroy. Yeah, when God closes the door, he opens the window and maybe there's a naked man singing in it, but. I'm very sorry, I just have to ask, you said, God, who's that? Look at God. Yeah, what's that about? Also, it's God heating the whole neighborhood.

Yeah, everyone knows that food was created by the three goddesses, Foo, U and Oon. Yeah. I forgot. You forgot. I'm glad I reminded you. Thanks. I'll never forget.

You need to go to church every Florent day. I do. Sometimes by accident, it's warm. Plus, you don't want to be like the stereotypical church mouse. That's my cousin's work. Yeah, yeah. What's the every loud ironically? What's the best kind of mouse to be?

What's like the cool mouse? Mini. Miniature mousees are pretty popular. The ones that drink those giant beers that you buy for cheap at the stations. The Mickey Mouse? That's what it is. That's what it is. Yeah, most of you just think the ones that cook with the big pink tails in France, they seem to do pretty well. Now what's the, what kind of masses are those? I can't remember it.

Yeah, I'm not dread. That, wait, dread. They're two of them, right? Mm-hmm. Dread, dread, to, dread, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, I can't remember exactly. It's gone. I don't know. It's gone. Yeah. We'll never figure that out. Do anybody else just piss their socks? Wait a minute, you piss your socks?

Yeah, I piss my socks. Time to sing the song. Do you mind to the tune of, or the Wind of Mountains Blow? Well, I piss my socks again. What a little scamp I am. Chunk piss the socks get wet. Chunk piss the socks get wet. Both my feet are wet.

Piss. Hey, love that song. Hope you're listening, mom. Since I'm unwilling to pay you more than I would charge you for rent, I shall do you a favor instead. I shall cast a spell and conjure a great ship with rumen up for your entire family and a beautiful galley for you to cook in.

And I shall give it to you, free of charge. Thank you. Why? That's so nice. Yeah, what actually, why? I should... I keep getting hold of Wink real quickly and That's so nice. Yeah, what actually why? I Keep I keep getting hoodwink real quickly and it's just you know things So good. It's just it's just ever if I need a ride someplace. I may come and ask for a favor

What so I'm like you're you're you're servant, you know, I'm gonna do what you want no no no for you But I would ask a favor of you. Ah, this reminds me of something. It wouldn't be a requirement, but as our friendship grows, I do this good deed for you, and when you are able and capable, I wouldn't force you. You would do a favor for me. Hmm.

I like this exchange of favors, where I gotta, you know, give you a lift every time you want, a lift somewhere across the seas. And I physically can't lift. Yeah. Emotionally or physically? Emotionally, I'm just too weak. How do you dress Arnie? I just win on you.

What was that? You sort of trailed off. We don't need to get into that. It's not... Wait a second. No. Pepper. Me? Have you... not been doing any work? Now, the other Whittlin' creatures been covering for you? That's a crazy thing.

You know. Who said that? Greg? Greg? Did Greg say that? No, Greg would have said that. Greg, it sounds like he said that. Yeah.

What? Paul, now that I think about it, what? I have a lot of beat scratches all over my top half as well. It must be something you're doing and you sleep to yourself. It's probably not me at all. This dream's about those guys. Yeah, you dream that you know you put a couple of beaks on your hand when you go to sleep and you're just scratching yourself.

Oh, classic sleep beak. Right? Yeah, he's out of it. No further investigation needed. What are all your things that you do in your sleep? We can move on. I'd say there's a chance that perhaps I'm in the brains more than the brawn. In a way, this kind of worked out because we need to tell you that we don't want to work for you anymore and you need to fire us. And also I was never working for you.

I don't do anything. Yeah, there it is. So I think I figured out I don't have to pay any severance. Oh wait, but I was doing stuff still. Yeah, it was fun. I mean, I wake up. I'm just making this up. We remember. I like that. Where's your flute? It's not a foot, Lou.

You're Lou. Thank you. As we go on, we remember. Keep singing. All the times we had to give birth. That almost sounded good. Wow. I wish shook.

Yeah. What a beautiful bird song. Just a beautiful... Yeah, I'd like to see a mocking bird try that one. Motherfucker. Yeah, I agree. Fuck a mocking bird. I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I didn't notice, try that one. Motherfucker. Yeah, I agree. Fuck the mockingbird. I don't mean to alarm anybody,

but I didn't notice this until just now, that in the tavern, there is a hovering set of numbers that keep going down. You just noticed this. I just noticed this. And those numbers are a lot closer to zero than I would have anticipated. I thought it was a bomb. I thought it was a bomb.

You thought it was a bomb? Yeah. And you're just like, oh, that's a bomb. Don't need to worry about that. I'll deal with a bomb every day. You deal with a bomb every day? In the last minutes, someone always comes in and presses a button and cuts a wire and we're fine.

I'm just sick of it. So you're saying, as long as that doesn't go to zero, we're fine. Yeah. And sometimes when it goes to zero, it just starts counting up anyway. And Arnie, we should explain to you what wires are. We're almost at it.

What a bunch of bunk. I'll don't know what. What? Bunk? Never. Look, I'm talking about earth stuff. She. What's earth? What's earth?

Oh, have I never mentioned I'm from another world? What? We've been working for you for so long. I've seen your penis. Yeah. You don't tell us a god damn you didn't know our names until this morning. So wait, that's an earth penis. Wait, that's an earth penis. And that's an earth penis. They all look like this. I swear to God. All right. Guys, everything. I don't need to alarm you, but we have what I believe is one minute before this bomb goes off. Is there, what can we resolve in one minute's time?

One email. Well, Rumpford says, talking about the hard issues is key to attracting the youth. Props to Fultaroid, what's the hardest one he's ever dealt with? What's the hardest issue you've ever dealt with? Oh, issue. All right, well, I'm not going to name names, but sometimes when I'm dressing a certain somebody, let's say the name rhymes with Barney,

I'm trying to get that pants up, and that doing a little jig. And I just can't get the pants up, and they won't stand still when I'm like, I stop fucking moving around. It tickles. It does. None of the princes have worked with,

have ever had this problem. Yeah, don't be a little tickled, dick. Yeah. Emphasis on the little... Oh. And that's our time! The bombs about to go off! Nope, that's our time! Thank you very much. We're in love with the Magic Tower.

So much. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Badger was played by Adelre Fine. Follow Roy Obama, the bird that dresses Arnie, was played by Demi Edejouibe. Pepper, the mouse that dresses Arnie, was played by Miel Braydot. Check out Demi and Miel's hilarious podcast, Punch Up the Jam, wherever you listen to podcasts, and also look for it on Twitter, Instagram, and Patreon. This show was recorded live at PodCon 2 in Seattle, thanks to everyone who helped make this show and the convention possible.

Although from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie and Ecamp, Rhyndi Georgi and Evan Jekover, this episode edited by Rhyndi Georgi. Thanks for the Chicago podcast, co- up, and thanks to Earwolf.