Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 96 - Tom the Author

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

Tomblain Belaroth, the prince turned actor turned series of bats stops by to talk about his new book. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienFoon Sponsor: Helen Zaltzman, host of the AllusionistMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're gonna try making this call again. Hello. Hi. Is this recording? Alright, if not, we offer greetings from... Thank you for contacting the bunker guard in High Command. Damn it! We are open between 10 and 11.

Alright, it's just before 11. And if you get this message, we are now closed. I am going to go grind my exoskeleton against the track and then I'll be back. Damn it! We are open between 10 and 11. Alright, it's just before 11. And if you get this message, we are now closed. I am going to go grind my exoskeleton against the trash ravager. And not in a good way. Please try again later. Have you ever actually spoken to these people? It's... it's been a while.

I mean, they do know you, right? Oh, they know me. Look, Trisha, why don't you just go ahead with the other bunkery stuff while I knock out a few cathartic watercolors? Yeah, you do that, because what we really need is 10 more pictures of robots taped to the fridge. Well, listeners, once again, it's up to Trish, mostly because the other choices are a broken robot and a malignant narcissist. Oh, and a cargo bay full of dead me clones. Why do I hate remembering those? Sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnee Nekamp. If you're new to this podcast before, there's everything you need to know about 3.9 something years ago. I don't know exactly. Someone emailed me an Excel spreadsheet to figure out exactly how long I've been here. So thank you Troy for emailing that to me and setting that up, cannot get Excel to work on my laptop.

But it's so weird to me that you said 3.9 something because the point nine suggests specificity, but then there's something just washes it away. Yeah, it's exactly. It's not, it's more, it's 3.9 some, the something would be another integer that would go after the nine, that I'm not sure about. When did you learn the word integer?

You know what, I was old enough to remember it, but not old enough to fully understand it. Okay, it just feels like you're throwing it around pretty loosely. When did you learn the word integer? When I studied math. Oh, he's got you there. Oh, well, anyway, I keep recording this podcast here and the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur,

and the Town of Hogsface and the Land of Foon. And I am joined as always, but my good integer, I'd chunk the talking banjo. Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, bud? Doing great, I'd jump the talking badger. Oh yeah, baby. How you doing bud? Doing great. I just got some exciting news. My mom is coming to town soon.

Your, I've not met your mom. I haven't seen her in a while. She sends me, you know, some care packages, but I face to face, haven't seen her in a little bit. It's been a while. It can be nerve-wracking to meet your friend's mother, especially when, as I understand it, she's a terrifying monster.

In a good way, like a... I like terrifying. Well, I use an adjective like terrifying to describe someone's mother. Yeah. Well, I mean, she's a monster, for sure. A man to core? Yes.

In vance? That's like a... What's your mom? Retired Math Teacher? And would I say, oh, and on his mom, a terrifying retired Math teacher? Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Did we know your mom was a Math teacher? Oh, I don't think that seems like pretty big news. I don't talk about it. The Apple does fall far from the tree. Your mom was a Math teacher? Your mom was a math teacher. My mother was a math teacher. Are you joking? I am not joking.

I have never told a joke on this podcast. How did she teach you? Did you have her as a teacher in school? Well, sure, but she's used an elementary school well and junior high math teacher, so I'm pretty good up to that level. But you know what, once I get past what integer means, falls right off. This is a revelation, this is incredible.

What does your mom do, Chan? I guess I gotta ask her myself. Yeah, you'll find out soon. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm also joined by... What'd your dad do? My father was a basketball coach.

Mm, did he win? How'd I do? Wait, I did what you say father was a basketball coach. Mm. Did he win? How about you? Wait, I did what you say he was. Very active, like... Sexually? Let's... Well, you were born, so... Yeah, alright.

Let's just cool it on the stuff with my parents. Alright. Who are real people and not terrifying monsters. I'm also joined by this other terrifying monster, Yousadore the Wizard. I am Yousadore. Wizard of the 12th realm of terrifying monster, Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of a Fesius Master of Light and Shadow. Anipule, Turf, magical monster. I'm working on a joke I'll have once in.

Devour of Chaos Champion of the Great, Holes of Trockus! The elves know me as Fying out. The dwarves know me as Zonen and Hugs Stangies, and I am known in the northeast as Gasmrinius Mastar, and there may be other secret names. Names have such great power that if I were to err I'd to them aloud, but I could certainly undo the chances for the 41 buzzards! He just wrote down Intajurk on a piece of paper. That's pretty good. I was saving that one for near the end. I could have been a good, like, a button on the whole episode kind of joke. You'll hold an into jerk. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d about the upcoming, uh, mittens games. Uh, sports. I've been watching my buzzards, win games, left and right,

and soon there's going to be an exhibition game right here in Foon! The new team from Hogsface is going to play all the orcs who've just been standing around doing nothing. The orcs? They're gonna play? Oh yes, they've been learning the game and they're quite good at it. Uh, they aren't as good at killing birds as wizards are because they mostly have to grab them and bite their heads off

Which is unpleasant for me particularly, but I understand it's like how you play the game Yeah, and if the buzzards want some help aren't you if your dad was a sports coach Let's what some advice you could give them Well, you know what we had a good game out there everybody tried really hard. And you know what, we just got to keep focusing on the next game. That's most of what I learned.

You didn't use the word fundamentals once. I get a little, you know, I... Reps. Yeah. Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect. Practice makes perfect. Yeah, there's no I and team. Clear, eyes full, hot, snow at a feet.

Yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah, a lot of these come from, there was a coach, maybe 30, 40 years ago, there's a coach carved from an oak tree, his name was Wooden John, and he had a lot of, there's a lot of good advice, a lot of sage wisdom for a lot of sports players, did they still follow today? Oh wow. I hear a lot of people are a fan of Coach Taylor, who is just the coach who is also a, a Taylor. Oh, it makes both. Mm-hmm. How do you have to do something in

the off season? Oh, of course. A lot of people like Pentegon offense. I'm not gonna get a lot of these. Nothing to get. No, just chatting. You said, or You've been spending a lot of time with the Orcs. Like I don't like to make sort of like sweeping generalizations, but the Orcs are all evil, right? Arnie, may I share something with you that I have learned. For my journey here in Foon is a great wizard. He's a goal throughout the land, and learn all about all manner of

Beish is it too late to say no? Of nature and I Here So long to think of walks to be not He was avoiding I can't I have learned some great lesson How can we do about this lesson? My battle against the dark Lord and that lesson is this one. Okay, well at least it's almost over.

That lesson that I learned in my great Traveils across this wonderful land by so many lessons in this stacked upon each then lesson that has come before, like a brick wall growing higher and higher and stronger and stronger. Yay, I told E, these ox, given the proper motivation, being taught to read a little bit, given something positive to do, like recreational sports. Hmm, there are good ox. They like any other creature of food, or earth, have the capability of both good and evil. And it is about a choice that they are made or forced into by the sadness of their circumstances. The Dark Lord has done a great evil unto them. I shall set them each free.

What about Starlings? Fuck Starlings. They're the worst. They're all terrible. Every single one. Don't speaking of flying stuff. Is it just me or... Another... Some bats flying around the air? I thought it was like a bunch of birds, or maybe just like a lot of bugs.

Oh yes, there are a lot of bats in here tonight. Maybe a cavalcade of butterflies? Can't tell what that is. It's just like a sortment of shit in the air. Like air, don't wait. You know, air shot. One, two, three, four, five. It's a series of bats. Shit in the air like air. You know air shot one two three It's a series of bats

Are you sure it seems like an unrandomized group of bats, but I don't know if I'd call that a series No, look if it's a series of bats I'd be very excited to talk to open a little bit nervous to engage what might just really be a random series of bats I mean it what what would that hurt to speak to some bats. I'm a random series of bats Oh, where the- I mean, what- what would that hurt to speak to some bats? I'm a little afraid of bats Oh, what is there to be afraid of a bat-for? Oh no, they're just kinda- That wasn't just set up to a joke

What? What's a bat-for? Sitten? Wait, you sit on a bat? Never mind Guys, this is why we never tell jokes on this podcast I'm terrible at it Well, let's play cool and if the bats want to talk to us

They'll sit down talk. Yeah, it's a power real power move. Yeah, look at all set out this bowl look anywhere except for at the bats Mm-hmm, because they're kind of busted together. I'm looking away But I'm pushing this wooden pole The other side of the table. I'm gonna put some fruit down just to increase their fruit bands. Maybe put some blood down as well, just to increase their vampire bands. Hello. Hello. Hello my good friends. It's not just a random series of bats and it's not air shit.

It's me, your good friend, Tom Blaine Bellera, and I'm glad to be back at this very table. What an amazing actor you are. Even when you told me you weren't a series of bats, I thought you were still a series of bats. Well part of it is you've got to move so quickly because to appear as though you're 26 bats simultaneously in locations that are too far apart for a person to be you have to move so quickly that you trick the eye You know a lot of magicians will Distract with one hand while they're doing slights with the other hand

Amazing and what I do is I play a little bit over here, and then I'm over here, and I'm on the back right here, and I'm moving so quickly, really, that I think that I'm in all those places at once. It's sort of a trick of the eye. Well, these magicians, what kind of slites do they do with their hand? Is it like filling out invitations to a party, but not one of their friends? Yeah, sometimes they're writing passive-aggressive thank you notes that if you read them in a certain tone sound like, thanks a lot for the birthday gift. And sometimes that's a note they'll send when there was no birthday gift at all. So it's just a reminder to you that you didn't

send anything. They're recording slites, I guess, quite a bit. Magicians, you know, well, you said or probably knows. Oh, yes. There's all sorts of slights that one might be offended by. I am offended very easily. Yes, magicians often are, because they know that in a world where there's magic, things should go right all the time. Of course! And if they're not going right, well, then, you know, things should go right all the time. Of course!

And if they're not going right, well then, you know, it's worth to record slides. That's right. It's so easy to make everything go right, just to use magic. Why don't all of you idiots just use magic? I try sometimes, I learned a little bit of dark magic. Yeah, I've done a little bit of magic. Yeah, well, not enough. Well, Tom, so what are you been up to?

It's been a long time. My last I heard you were putting on your one-man show about being a bunch of bats? Yes, my one-man show of a series of bats. And I came to realize that that's just a part of my life. And it took me a journey from being a prince to being an actor, to being the girlfriend of a baron, to being a series of bats. You were a spy for a while, I think. And being spy, I mean, I'm not listing everything, but it made me realize.

I think that was all of them. I think that was everything. My journey is very universal. This is a story that everyone can relate to, and that's why I have written this. Oh, that is a big book. Wow. Yes, well, it's got all my life in it and it's sort of a self-help autobiography.

And how many spells are in it? Well, there are some spells used, or you might be surprised. Spells that have been used on me, spells that I've tried. But more than anything, this is a sort of magic where I'm reaching out to the reader. Now they might not be exactly, you know, a Northeastern prince who is posing as a series of bats in the forest while fucking in Acorn. Hmm. If that's not your specific life story, I don't want you to think, oh, this book is not for me. Let's say you're a duchess who ran away and is posing as a series of voles.

I think you could learn equally from this book. There are enough parallels there that you can still draw some. You swore advice. It doesn't have to be a one-to-one. No, no, no, no. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. And you might read about some of the things that I've done in my life, and you might think, well, I didn't do that exact thing. Don't stop reading, because you might have done something that's similar. So I sort of lay out my story in seven parts and I give you some tools that you can use in your life and what I'm really here for is an MPMS. Sorry, a multi-platform marketing strategy.

Oh, tell me more about the strategy. Well, I'm doing a round of podcasts right now. I'm going on BookTour in Vistach, and then I'm sort of presenting this, and I really want to get the word out. I've bought some carriage space, and I thought your podcast would be the first one I would go on to sort of announce my book. Because you want to start on a smaller podcast and work your way up to something like Get in Nuts. I would love to do Get in Nuts, thank you so much. I wouldn't, I wouldn't presume to do a podcast that big. I thought I could walk into this one.

Oh, let's see how this goes and then we'll go from there. Any time you can come into Hello from Magic Tavern, no one cares about this show. Uh, but eh, eh, eh, speak it over getting nuts, that's the last time we saw you, Tom Blaine. And I didn't want to ask at the time, because you had Alice Peacorn there with you? Yes, but whatever happened to Rianne. You know the milk bean? Uh, she moves like Bell in the night, and of course I would love to love her. But, she's back in the Northeast, and I've found, you know, somewhat of happiness in the woods with a nut up my butt,

and I sort of feel like... Tails all this time? Yes, well, the tail grows bit by bit every day. So it's only as old as when you put the nut in there. But as long as you water your butt hole, you will get a tail. Which is just good advice. Yeah, that's healthy. And if not exactly that same thing has happened to you, perhaps you have something other than a nut up your butt that you're watering like a seed. Yeah, don't stop listening now. Yes, it's not exactly your life.

It's not a one to one. Yeah, you can draw things from this. It's similar to your life. But I'm sorry, back to the strategy that you've suggested for a moment, I'm always interested in strategy. Oh, new ways, new paths of thinking that may help me defeat my enemies. Is there any way I can learn more about this strategy and give you money? Oh yes, well perfect, thank you, that's a perfect question. So the book is called, think you can't change your life. I bet you can I'm sorry, could you say that one more time?

Think you can't change your life. I bet you can and Guess how bat is spilt? Yeti? No, be iti, but it's pronounced bat. Hmm, how I wouldn't small criticism How are people going to know it's pronounced a bat? Well, because that's the joke. So, it's by me, Tom Blaine Bellaroth, a series of bats, and they'll get sort of like,

thank you can't change your life, I bat you can. Because if you wrote it, it wouldn't make sense. Ah, yes, of course. It's a pronunciation joke. Yes, of course. Oh, a pronunciation joke. Yes of course. My apologies. And you know, we'll tell the booksellers to say it.

So people come in and say, do you have that book by the prince of this called, think you can't change your life, I bet you can. And the bookseller will laugh and say, you've not gotten the joke. It's bad you can't. Mmm.

Yeah. That's an amazing plan. And perfectly execute it. How do you start people from looking at the book and thinking that it's, think you can't. Mmm, yeah. That's an amazing plan and perfectly executed. How do you spell people from looking at the book and thinking that it's, think you can't change your life, I but you can? Well, I think there's always going to be people who work blue in their minds. Those kinds of people will probably read it and say,

oh, I think it says, penis, penis, fart. Yes, Arnie, those kind of people will think something like that. Because if you're going to see butts everywhere, that doesn't matter how I spell a word, does it? That's true. Penis penis fart, you say. We're going to head down.

So I'm looking at chapter one here and it says, all bats are off. Yes, all bats are off, and that's sort of the beginning. That's really the prologue, right? And that's sort of saying, you want to change your life. So I break it down. I've got something an easy thing to remember. It's the word bats and every letter stands for something So like an acronym. Yes, like an acronym. Yeah, is it like an acronym or is it an acronym? Is it an acronym? Well, it's like an acronym, but well, it's like those but what it is is each letter stands for something. I see yeah, so bats be a good person

Always be that person Try to be that person Seriously, that's a good and that's a good person. Yeah, yeah, I like you a good person always be what I'm gonna be all about. Yeah. Yeah. Be a good person. Always be that person. Try to be that person. Seriously. Seriously. It's an interesting system.

Because in the second step, you're always supposed to be that person. But in the third step, you only have to try. Well, anyone who's gotten to A knows that you can't always be. That's something that you try. And then, so when you're at the A and you're thinking, I should always be a good person.

And then let's say you kill your sister or something. Then you think, I didn't do it. And then so you say, I've got to try to be that person. Oh, that reminds me. Did you kill your sister? No, but I think I might do. Because she's trying to kill me. This is one of the things from

my book. This journey has made me realize I need to be more assertive and I need to go after things and so if someone is chasing me, maybe I should turn around and stab them. Well, that's very good advice and frankly I wouldn't mind if you did that. Yeah, normally I would be like don't kill your sister, but in this case we've made sister, and she's kind of scary. Yes, well, it's terrifying about assembling is that they've got the same strengths that you have. Because as we all know, if your mother is good at something, and your father is good at something,

then you are good at both of those things. Very good. Are you a math athlete? Well, you're now. Based on your mom and dad, you're a math fleet. Well, you're now. Based on your mom and dad, you're a math fleet. That's a combination of math and athlete. Well, I come from a completely different world where generation after generation over-corrects

and is not good at the things that the generation before them are good at. Oh, so they become good at other things? Yes. So I'm good at like a lot of other things. Oh, list two of them. Um, real good at replacing. Never mind.

Are you with you? You're like six, five, six, four, six, four, you're a big guy. I mean, you must have dominated sports. Um, you know what? I, my place, I was great on the the bench like hanging out at the end of the bench talking to my teammates having a good time hoping to not hear from the coach telling me it's my time to go into the game but as soon as the bench levitates you were unstoppable oh you're you used to ride the pine all the way to the basket look Look, what I'm saying is I was really good at the parts of the game that involved sitting

Tom Lane. Yes, I know that you find it intimidating to think about facing your sister Tracier earlier, but let me tell you this you do surpass her in one very specific way I saw the play that her and Benedict Whisper Brew tried to put on woof. It was about dogs. What's that? It was about dogs. It was about dogs and it was not it was woof. What is it called woof? It was called woof. Yes. I was saying the title of the band. That's their play. Yes. I've been thinking I want to go see woof. Oh you don't. It's bad. It's bad. It's a bad play. Well, I want to sit and watch it.

I don't rub my nose in it. Well, it's... What do you sit there and don't go see that play? Well, it sounds like the play would be a treat. No. Oh. It's based on the poems of PSL-E-I-'s a terrible source. Oh, that's yes. It's his father, terrible source, and then PSL it was the one that sort of after it, PSL it, it was PSL it was like, oh, here's a few things I forgot to include in

the body of my life. And that's what a son should do, right? It's carry on their father's legacy. Yes, we're all a post script to our parents. Yeah, very true. That's why we're so good at the things that they're good at that takes them their lives. And then we say, Oh, and PS take this basketball and what's the circumference

of it. Foundlay, I'm flipping through your book here and I found there's a few pages here on love languages, lists some of the love languages I see high fives and anal, what's all this about? That's ways of expressing your love for another person. So you can do a high five or you can do a high five anal, like I've suggested there, one that it just gets, it's much more intimate, much more quickly. It says to the person, look, I'm not concerned about hygiene here. I just want to get close to you.

How is she gonna hurt your wrist? What's that now? How's she gonna hurt your wrist just like the angle on that seems tough? Well, I think that when I propose some sort of intimate connection with a person and a person pushes back, oh, that's going to hurt my wrist.

I think that says more about what you're afraid of. Then it does about the true nature of friendship. Already? Chants. Hey, chants. Yes. Hi, five anal, my man. Ooh, hi, five anal.

Ooh, you truly watered your butthole. Oh, yeah. Yes, I did. And no, you might think when a person says, hey, high five anal, they're putting up their hand. But as you saw there, I'm signing up to receive. So that's true friendship when you call out to your friend. Really good.

But that's love language. It's weird, I saw it, and I still don't even understand how it works. We don't need you to understand it. Yeah, that's true. It's not about understanding that it works. It's about accepting that it works. It's just like magic. Bad, bad, bad, B-A-T-S.

Yeah, be a good person, always be that person, try to be that person. No, seriously. I'm looking ahead at chapter 12. Oh, yes. If I were a bad man. I'm curious about, I just want to get to the part where I get to give you money. Oh, yes. Well, that's a good chapter to choose, because this book will get you started on your journey. But what you really need is a series of workshops from a series of bats.

And so if I were a batman, it's sort of says, well, if I were, you know, it means if I were a bat and a man, which I am, then I'm someone who could come to you and speak from both of those perspectives about the man. And I can show you how the lessons that I've learned as 26 individual bats can teach you about your own life, you know? Yes, yes. Spats have red eyes, okay? Do you know what that means? What does it mean? What does it mean? They've done the reading and that's one of the first things that you learn as a bat. You should have read it. You should have read it. And bats hang upside down. Do you know why they do that?

Hey, Tom Lane, don't tell me. Let me pave the seminar. Well, it's going to be worth it. You're going to be surprised. I want to know, can I go to sneak preview? Why do bats hang upside down? Oh, you'll have to pave the seminar. So do with their brains.

Well, Tom, what's a quick break? And we get back. I have a lot of questions about chapter two, butth entertainment. And we can really dive into that when we get back. I think you're reading that wrong. I think you're reading that wrong. Scream space.

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This month is a withered old man who hangs on the wall muttering, I've been here for 40 years, tell me what does the sun look like? For 10% of your first purchase of Screamspace, use the discount code Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Raf the prince and hiding who's written a book called Something something bat something something. Thank you. Can't change your life. I bet you can You know I have a question for you because bat is spelled B. Yeah, I just you get it now. I Well the spelling isn't as funny as the pronunciation. Yeah, that is true You gotta bring you know what there's authors intent and then there's what you bring to the text. Yes That's all I really had to say on that subject. Okay. Tom why is so much of this book that focus? This is a book about your whole life, right? Yes, but if you become a bat or a series of bats and you look back on your life

You know, so for example in part one here I do the Wars of the Northeast and the Rise of the Bellarots. That's just 600 pages to orient you to sort of who my family is, right? But I'm seeing that through the eyes of a bat. Oh! And so there's a lot of bat balls that happen for my family to rise into control of the throne.

So it's sort of like just a brief history of the Northeast, but the way that a bat might see it, and spoiler, we can't see. So it's the way we might hear it, which is much better for a book. You know, Tom, you've gotta be one of the most famous figures in all of Foon, you're the missing heir to the Bellara throne. I think people really wanna hear about that,

and they might be a little bit annoyed possibly that they got to get through so much bat stuff. Well I'm sure anyone listening to this podcast wouldn't be annoyed by waiting around for a long time listening to something that has nothing to do with the main point of what's going on. If I mention I have a very important quest that we all need to go on. We'll get, we'll get, we'll get to it. Look, I get what you're saying. I'm sure a lot of people who listen to this podcast want us to get to the quest and are tired of spending so much time on butt stuff.

We'll get to butt stuff. He's saying bat, not bat, not bat. Bat, not bat, not bat, not bat. Tomlin, what's this section here, bat, dad, bat, dad? Bat, dad, bat, dad. Yeah, so it is breaking down the different kinds of father you can have. So you can have a bad dad, right? Or conversely, inversely,

conversely, you could have a bad dad. How are those spelled? Oh, B-A-T, right? For the bad dad. But if you have a bad dad, B-A-T. But it's more about inflection. And the point that I'm making there is, you can't tell the difference between a good father and a bad father,

just by looking at them. And that's why a lot of babies stay with bad fathers. Mmm. They just, they don't know. It's not apparent. Well, it is apparent. It is your parents, but it's not apparent. It's not a good one, it is apparent. It is your parents, but it's not a good one.

And how tumbling. I am loathed to bring this up again, but you've spent so much time now as a series of bats. Do not feel the call to return to the cave next to the castle and do the bat dance. That's a great point, because in the book I talk about prophecies that didn't make sense until I was a series of bats. Listeners to this podcast will know, right, that I was supposed to go do the bat dance when my father died. Well, that didn't make any sense. Why would I do that?

But then, over time, organically, I became a series of bats. And so, that's why you just have to keep walking the path that life is sending you on. But, and the path leading to the cave. I am as part of the book tour, going back to the northeast. I plan to kill my sister and take the front. Ah, wonderful. And you can promote your book along the way. Well, yes, and hopefully that will sort of raise the funds

in the coffers for when I am King, because, as you know, the Northeast has been spending ridiculously and we need to reform our financial system and I'm proposing a 70% marginal tax rate on people who are very high earners. That seems reasonable that you would reinvest that money back into the services and infrastructure that make the North East the Great Kingdom that it's always been. So are you saying you're going to take 70% of my money? That you're money. People freak out because they don't understand marginal tax rates, okay?

Is this a math thing? People aren't against this know that people don't understand that. So they say, oh, they're taking 70% of your money. But it's only over millions and millions of funies. What? How much is a funie? Oh, the funies are the currency in the northeast. One funie is roughly 3.5 gold.

Not 3.10, but 3.5. Ah. Yeah, 3.5. Yeah, that's right. Speaking of money, Tom Lee, I see there's a section here that's called Always Bad on Bat. Always bad on bat. Yeah, and so what that's sort of saying is that if you apply the life lessons of being a bat and you're being a good person, always being that person, trying to be that person

seriously, you will always come out on top. Now not always. Well, what I'm saying is you will always come out on top right now does that mean always no but always try to always try to always seriously. Yes, that's the second and the third steps in action right there. Tom, are you still an actor or are you a bad? Well, I'm all those things. I'm an actor, I'm a bad, I'm an author, I'm a prince, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. But ask me if I'm ashamed. Are you ashamed?

I do not feel ashamed. I think that when you become a series of bats, you realize that we all contain multitudes inside of us. When you have to, as I did in my show, breathe life into 26 individual characters, well, you start asking yourself, well, what is unique about them? Well, they're bats. Well, that's true about all of them. So good luck. You're back to square one. What's it like to be a bat? Great. That's true for all of them. But what's it like to be a bat who is getting old and can't hang upside down anymore because he gets dizzy?

Have you thought about having each of the 26 bats have their own kind of personality on the book tour? Like, they each give their perspective or something? I think that's a great idea, Chan. Have you thought about having one of them say, ko-blimey? That's very good, you said, oh, hi, five anal. I love, oh, there we go. Thank you. Yes, I think that these bats could be a remarkable tool for marketing the book, but I also want

people to realize that I'm ready to say now that there's a person behind the book, but I also want people to realize that I'm ready to say now that there's a person behind the bats and that person is the missing prince of the northeast of Funt. So if you're going through your life and you feel like you're a series of bats but also you're a prince, it's okay to be that prince. Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense to me and it seems like the culmination of this tour and your return shall be you saying, all bats are off.

There you go. You've got it. Yes, and that takes us right back to the prologue. And that's where I walk into the throne room and I tell my family, I say to my mother, get your ass off that throne. It's mine. Well, you don't have to talk to your mother that way, that's not really necessary, is it? Well, I think it's time for me to be a little bit assertive, and you know, my father was

a king and my mother is a large breasted temptress, so I'm good at both of those things. As everyone is who has parents, you're good at everything that they're with. But don't forget your own advice here, Tom Lane. Think of your mother's perspective. She also contains multitudes of bats. Yeah. So she's had her own experiences that have let her to where she is?

That's true. And so you can't really be mad at anyone, but you can hold them accountable. And that's the key to being a good king. And I hope that I can be a good king for all of you and for all of my subjects. And I also hope that people can get where I'm coming from in my book. And so if they're ever like, well, why did the king do that? Imagine if you had a leader who had written a book.

And so then any time they did something that seemed crazy, you could say, oh, will they have written a book? There must be reasoning behind it, you know? Guys, guys, I'm a little bit worried about Tom. I'm like, I'm excited that he's decided to go back and reclaim his throne. I think that would be really helpful in our battle against the Dark Lord. Oh, sorry, the DL. But I think he's gone kind of method acting crazy.

Like he's been pretending to be a series of bats for well over a year. And to be honest, we probably should have checked in on him sometime in the intervening time to make sure he was okay. I think he's like Daniel DeLew Day losing himself. He's going crazy. I don't know what that means, but I think if we all go pay for this seminar or this series of seminars, it will all make perfect sense. Yeah, I bet my left foot, you got passed on your own.

You bat your left. I bat my left foot. Look, I'm excited that he's heading back to the northeast in the name of his father, but... Arnie, back to the Northeast. Oh, but it's complicated. That is complicated. Look, he's going to go back there. And they'll be blood, but it's unavoidable. Was Daniel De Lewis in its convocates? He doesn't matter.

Look, Tom Blaine. Yes. We sorry, I forgive our weak side talk there, but we have some concerns in the group that perhaps I want quite... You're totally baddie! Arnie, Arnie, thank you. It's crucible that we get this right, okay, when we approach someone that we're trying to help, we can't just accuse them. Look, I'm tired of us hanging on this age of innocence. Let's tackle this. You can't use mental illness as sort of a phantom menace to attack someone.

We lost the thread there. But, what do you mean? The phantom thread? No, the phantom menace. The... That's the best one so far. Now, that... That's the best one so far. Now, when you return and then rightfully take your place on the throne, Will Alice sit by you as your queen?

Yeah, you sit in the throne in the name of the father. Yes, I think that Alice will be viewed as sort of a fentaminous for the whole kingdom. They don't know that she's coming and then you know attack of the clowns. You're planning on having children with it? Yes and children of acorns are clones, that's why I said that. Exactly. World, you know, world PS, world post scripts of our parents. Yes, there you go. Yes, right. Those clones will be better at being a nut and at being a bat, and all the things that we are good at, they'll be better than that.

And you just have to make sure that you actually kill Princess Trachea Aralia. We will have to watch out for the revenge of the cis. Oh no, that could be terrible. Yeah, I could back it last 9.5 years. Oh no, but then there'll be a new hope and everyone will be so much happy yeah. And then you know who knows I'll be ruling. So let free so now. Well I for one would like to buy a copy of your book right now. Well, go. Would you mind inscribing it? Ah, yes. 2. Chump.

Remember to always be the person. Always be that person. Try to be that person, seriously. It's been great getting to know you and your friends. In Tomlin, we're friends. You don't need to, I mean, do you just sign sometimes I feel like you can read this later. I mean all he's writing is bats bats bats bats bats bats Bye, no, this is bad often and guys You what a lot of the words in this book are just bats to But oh everybody's that's not good busy, so

You get what you can Anyway, guys, then you can't the north of I have running out. No room on this page which I'm really working out because there's a lot I'd like to say Because there's a lot I'd like to say to What are you worried about? I'm worried we're gonna have a mad king in the Northeast Marie no Shit you'll need to so do all these I mean if rich if one bad doesn't work out then the other bad can take over. There's 26 There's 26 minds working together, right?

But what am I to say? What? I think there's one mind at work here. And he went out and ran away to bury the milkmaid and became an actor, then became a girlfriend to a baron who was eviled up so he could be a spy and then to get away from the barry, he turned into a series of bats and hid out in the forest

where he fell in the way and he put some of that. And now he's returning to the North to be the King What's wrong with that guys we were talking about Daniel Day Lewis and you just started doing fucking Star Wars titles What are you talking about? You want one too? Yes, I just want to please. Could you make it out to you Sador Wizard of the 12th rail of Evisius to master of light and shadow? the door, Wizard of the Twelfth Rail of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow. Muster of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Blights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the known to the elves is terror rock known to the elves is fying y'all like Hanging y'all like you for the door of the zone and his stangies. Please don't buy a box And known in the northeast as many as me

I'm a then stop writing names for the rest of them a secret. Yeah, I'm gonna buy a book. Hey Tom, I East, also, all 26. That's there. Orange, get any emails? Oh, yeah. Sherman. That reminds me you can always email at MagicAvern at puppies. That supplies some real email address. First of all, I would very much like to thank Troy

for emailing me the SXSEL spreadsheet. I guess I'm gonna, if I can, if I put in the day the episode comes out, it'll tell me exactly how close to the year, how close to four years it's been that I fell through the dimensional portal. Oh, but also, I have this email here. The title is Wizard Runoff theory. Arnie, do you think instead of being runoff of Yusudor, that you really might just be one of the many aspects of Cannes?

Perhaps you should be known to the Wizards as two Cannes. I mean, I'm drinking after all. Have you ever tried doing... I can't concentrate on this. Oh, Tom Lee, would you also tell him to stay cool and have a great summer? Stay cool. Have a great summer. Mrs. P. Will miss you. No, she won't. Ha, ha, ha. That chemistry was awful. What an into jerk.

Is that the button? That's the button! And he landed the integer button. If by button we mean something forgotten for 38 minutes, then shoehorned in harder than rogue into days of future past. Usual The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Shant The Badger was played by Adelrify. Tom Blaine Bellaroth, the prince turned actor turned author, was played by special guest

Steve Walteen. Steve writes for the new Comedy Central Show Clepper premiering in June. Let's hope second times the charm! Today's Foon sponsor was written and performed by Helen Zoltzman, host of The Illusionist, a smart and funny podcast about language. Check it out wherever you listen to podcasts. Hello from the Magic Taven is produced by Arnie Neekamper, Ion to Georgie and Evan Jokover. This episode edited by Chris Rathjit. Okay, we're making this call one more time.

Thank you for contacting the Bunker Guardian High Command. Look, I know you can hear me. I want to- We will now be away for an exceptionally long period. That's it. I'm writing a Yale Preview. We would like to tell you when we will return, but we don't know. F- Our frustrating is bad. What did you say?

I said how frustrating is that? Oh, because there was this whole thing on the episode where... Well, that's a coincidence. No. That's all folks. I hate this. I hate you too, so we're even.