Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 97 - Chunt's Mom

Episode Date: February 25, 2019

Chunt’s mother, Eleanor, a monster with a lion’s mane, bat wings and a scorpion tail, stops by to chat with her son’s friends. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungEleanor the Manticore: Jill FenstermakerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a couple of days. A seven, six, nine, eight, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, nine, The time is coming, Craig. Okay, is the new head on correctly? No, that looks like he's just been startled by something over his left shoulder. Another quarter turn. Oh, there we go. Boy, this IKEA L-shaped tool is good for everything. Welcome back, Craig. Am I... am I still emperor?

No, you're a whimsical sidekick character who loves refilling the vending machines. Doesn't that sound satisfying? I'm remembering something... some devastating information. That sounds irrelevant. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know about, well, let me put this into this new Excel spreadsheet here. What are you doing? A listener named Troy sent me an Excel spreadsheet so I can always figure out exactly how long I've been here. And according to this, let me see. Nobody can.

Literally no one cares about three and 60, 60 first of a year ago. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi. I never thought I'd say this, but go back to how you were doing it. From the Burger King through the Dimensional Rift, and I use it to upload this podcast that I record every week here in the Tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the Town of Hogsface, in Land of Food, shunt my co-host and talking Badger, can you believe that we have been doing this show

for three and 60, 60 first years. That is one 60th of a year away from four years. We're almost coming up on the university. When did you turn into fucking Dr. Fractions over here? You know what? I don't know how you can have a 60, 60 first of a year. I'm sure math makes it possible. And why are you wearing a shirt that says

math makes it possible? Math makes it possible. You've really doubled down ever since you revealed to us that your mom was a math teacher. You've really taken that to the limit. And all the time, you're splitting the bill. You always put on glasses and start to split the bill. And you're always saying,

into your like, what's going on with you? Well, I am sorry. I am going to take it to the limit one more time. When you guys brought up my mom last week, I've really been thinking about the fact that how much I miss her and why don't you become an athlete because you say your dad was a sports coach? He'll be okay.

I'm just saying that I should focus more on math. My mother is so good at teaching people math and I should have been able to focus better and really retain that knowledge. 60, 61st of a year. Which is like a 160th away. That's like a normal way to think of things. 161st away.

What's this? You said 168th away, you're not 168th away. You want 168th away. Let me get that extra away. Let me, this is gonna become the whole show now. No, this isn't a mapping, this isn't a cell thing. Let me make sure. You piece a shmother fucking Troy. Okay, Troy

You ever put this portal actually okay, don't worry guys. I just accidentally deleted part of the algorithm Good in the Well, we worry that's wonderful anyway. I am also joined by my other co-host used to door the wizard I am you said oh we sort of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow We sort of the twelfth realm of a fusesiest master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical lights devour of chaos champion of the great halls of Turokus They are of snow me They're real angry introduction The tall snow me is brown zone in an erode

Tangerines and I am known in the North East like hate fucking his own Grapes manias may star you sir your noses Nice, like, hate fucking his own question. Manias Mastahaw. You saw your nose as blue. And now there are your nose names. I, the fair, lots of it aloud. We'll transform a normal calendar into a calendar broken up into 61 pieces. Ooh, mm-hmm. Everything okay, buddy?

That was the angriest I've ever seen you in a show. Oh, I just really am feeling it. My scur buzzards, my favorite missions to the 41 buzzards could there be 61 buzzards? No no 41st of a buzzard so one person on the team is one 41st of a buzzard? No no no no no I this year's buzzards I'm saying oh the 41 being the year because the first year is 48 to 41 that's the one Arnie speaking of the year and numbers and you doing a weekly Podcast I wanted to bring up something

I'm 41s. I want to bring up something and I want you to keep it open mind. Okay. Oh, it's gonna be like a we've been doing That's the door thing. No, no, we've been doing this podcast for a while. I have great time three years and don't Don't check no don'ts of a't. I thought we could do something. Number one, get tattoos. One. Let's get tattoos. One. You know, we have been counting as much as we used to.

Two, do you hear this mom? I'm counting again. Why'd you look upwards? Did she, did she in the ceiling? No, no, I'm just, who knows where my home dimension is. Two, what if we brace yourselves? What if we do this podcast daily to to what do you think it seems like a reasonable feed? We don't have that much on our plates a daily podcast

Every day it's ugly head every single day Roll out more of this hot, hot content. I'm not just worried. I'm not gonna fin slice that amount of time. Like we're already down to 60, 61st. Now, honey, do you look at me now as a mother figure? You're a total mother figure. Well, because I...

You are kind of a mother figure. Well, because I, of course... Shut your mother figure in the mouth. I'm just talking about Yusudor. Of course I teach math at the University of Phoenix under my pseudonym, Susan Toku. So do I remind you of your mother? Because I'm also a math teacher who transforms himself into a...

a be speckled eight-foot- eight-foot tall woman to teach math to people to the University of Phoenix. You turn into an eight-foot tall woman? That's right. Yeah, Sudoku. Why? Look, Suzundoku is not to be trifled with. She is a dangerous warrior who just happens to teach math on the side.

She makes a great trifle, too. Arnie, if you keep up this whole shenanigan, I'm gonna start calling you Marnie. Marnie. Math Arnie. Math Arnie. Huh, I don't know. I feel like that name, with a name like Marnie.

I, with a change who I am, would I be kind of like sort of the most annoying, but a little bit misunderstood, member of our group? Mm-hmm. So that's a no on the daily podcast? I mean, let's think about it. I'll think about it. Why do you want to do it daily? Oh, I got nothing else going on. Choney, you're getting married. You get so much going on. Yeah. Also, we have a list full of things we need to accomplish.

To defeat the Dark Lord, to defeat the void. And that that's the thing every day of the week, we could be tackling one of those things on the list. Oh. Pretty good, huh? That is pretty good. I mean, I feel like unless we talk about it, we don't do anything. Right? Do you guys feel that way? Unless we, unless we actively talk about it, we don't actively do it. I wonder if we do. And that is why I come to this tavern every week. So that I can talk about it. We don't actively do it. I wonder if that is why I come to this tavern every week So that I can talk about the importance I must just point that guy in this quest together we saw the feed evil hi everyone must gather there So it's in their shields and their bows and arrows hi and everyone must be ripped a cat and half like a sheet of paper

She ripped a cat in half like a sheet of paper. Oh no. Sally Fourth, yay. Enjoyed my quest eye in this great party, shall go forth and find a way to overcome the evil of the duff BC, just all. Oh, it was paper cat. Who's paper cat? It's paper cat.

Don't pet him. Oh, got a paper cat. Huh? Paper cat. Hey, Arnie. Yeah. Do me a favor. Three.

No. No. I want you to close your eyes. Okay. All right. Now, you're facing me. Turn 90 degrees to your left. This is a big ask, but I will turn.

Well, that's not that big. I mean, I've been losing weight. Oh, you said big ask. And now, I have a surprise for you Open your eyes, okay Already All right, that's the most active I've ever seen already already already Arnie, Arnie, that's the most active I've ever seen. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Slame, Slame.

Mom, I am so sorry. That must be Arnold. That's my best friend. Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare him. No, no, no, no, he's working through. No, he's working. This is all his fault.

This is one of my other best friends he used to do. It's a fool to imagine it to meet you. Oh Oh what a pleasure it is for me to be in the company of three handsome gentlemen. I'm including my baby Chanty. Oh my mommy me my mommy cord. My mommy me. Well I'm going to give you a moment to catch up with your mother. I'm sorry that didn't catch your name. Oh Eleanor. Eleanor the mantagore. Eleanor are you you Sadoa? Pleasure to meet you. Wow. I'm going to go whisper into Arnie's ear to make sure that he understands what's going on

when he wakes up. No, no, don't worry. I'll just get a kick in the nuts. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Sleep. Yeah, I'm in a nut. Sleep. All right, I'm going to whisper it in here, but it's going to get real wet, South. Arnie. Arnie. When you wake up, Chums Bob will be here, and you want to be afraid of her anymore.

Wait, wait, wait. Arnie, buddy, look at me. Arnie? Yeah, yeah. This is don't turn on yet. I am sweat, I am covered in sweat. Yeah, listen, my mom is here, okay? My mom, Eleanor.

I'm so excited to be here. It's your mom. Okay, meet My mom, Eleanor. I'm so excited to be your mom. Is to your left, okay? Meet my mom, all right, great. Arnold! Oh my God, it's you now! I thought whispering in here would work. Already, buddy, come down, okay? I'm so sorry that your association with me

is going to be injured testicles. Oh, right, remind me. No! Ah! I know she's a man to grow, okay? She has the head of a lion, the body of a scorpion, she's got dragon wings, but she's just my mommy. Oh, and it's my baby Chenty!

Oh, yes! Oh, and you are so handsome. You are very overpowering, but I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you. Now, please promise me, boys, no more fighting, at least physically. Okay. Please, can we all? I can promise that you think you be me

I swear to this I know wizards promises never broken. Thank you. You said or she's in town for the wedding So I thought here I am my little boys getting married Oh, yeah, mommy. I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy that you found someone that makes you happy Yeah, and I love that that person also has a wife because I believe that we should have as much love in our life as possible. Yeah, the way I look at it is that he's already experienced marriage. So I'm walking into a situation with a pro, you know, yes. And I know he's very capable of love, and you know, so I think it's a good situation. And now Elanoire, it's a pleasure to meet you, but you know, these years that I've

known Shun since he was just a little shapeshifter, I've never crossed paths with you before. But what have you been doing with your time? Ah, well, I live on the other side of the mountains. Oh, yeah. And the lion in me means that I live with a pride. Some people might call it a commune. Of lions? Of lions, yes.

Of lions, another man to cause, another creature. Anyone who wants to join us, really. Oh, so it's a cross species pride. Exactly. That's lovely. And it's communal cross species pride. Exactly. Well, that's lovely. And it's communal living. We all love. We all grow our own food.

We charge our crystals by the moonlight. Oh, it's just a really, really wonderful life. I'm so lucky. Can you mind me asking, what do you do with those crystals after you've charged them in the moonlight? Oh, well, you put them next to your heart, of course. They revive your spirit, Arnold, perhaps you could use a crystal. She's digging into her pouch.

Yes, you're coming to the crystal. I know. I love rocks. Here come the crystals. My spirit is exhausted, and I will take any little thing that'll help. Here you are. It's a green one that That should revive your spirit. I love crystals and rocks and geodes, all manner of stone.

Yes. But you're charging by moonlight. It takes a very long time. Why wouldn't you just have a unicorn blow on them? Oh. By moonlight, it seems like a very difficult way to charge your crystals when you can have a unicorn blow on them or wizards sleep with one under the pillow.

You're so much. A shunt's mom is our guest here and she's sharing. I'm just saying it's a moon charge crystal. I'm just saying it's a backwards way to charge a crystal. You're saying there's a wrong way to give a fucking gift? You're such a mother figure. Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate your concern. May I whisper a secret into this crystal? Please do. Oh, you boys. I'm sure you did. And I'm sure it was about my chunt having a long and happy marriage.

If that's what you want, if you want to get married and then have a lot of lovers, having a long and happy marriage. Oh, shit. Thank you. If that's what you want, if you want to get married and then have a lot of lovers, that's fine too. I support you in anything. Thank you, Mom. You're welcome. You know, this is a weird question to ask. Someone's mom when you just met them, but you've been dropping the lover word a lot.

So you got a lot of lovers in this common unit sounds like? How am I going to go grab a drink? Yes. Okay, bye bye. Nice chunk going. So, as you know, my husband, originally, chun's father, passed away. Yeah, he's a hungry person.

Yes, and you know, at that point in my life, I really thought that I was going to be married with one person forever. And that really changed the path of my life and I thought, well, I'm gonna see the blessing in this. And that blessing means I can be with any creature, species, man or woman that I want. Yeah, you know what?

I feel like if you get married to someone and they die at your wedding, it gives you a free pass to do kind of whatever you want after that. Oh, it was very painful for a year. I would imagine so. Yes, I was quite a mess. I traveled the country.

I drank much more than I should. Yes. Yes. You ate, you prayed on creatures. Exactly. And I loved. Yes. You ate, you prayed on creatures. Exactly, and I loved. Exactly. I should probably be drinking too much right now that reminds me.

Excuse me, I'll be at the bar. Oh, did you, Sodor, recently have a love pass away at his wedding? Probably. He fills his time with all kinds of bullshit. I don't really know. But you're very sweet. I'm really enjoying just feeling this motherly energy

that sort of resonates up. Don't hit on my phone. I am not. I am, Chant, I am sincerely trying to do like a mother thing. Now that sounded gross. Try to do a motherly phone. Let's talk about the love in your life Arnold. Do you have enough of it? Do you have enough of it?

Do I have enough of it? That's a very complicated question. I have a lot of love in my life back home, and I try not to replace that with any love here. Yeah, no, no, I don't. You know what, I don't have enough love. Yes, and you know, and I am talking about love and my commune and lovers plural, but that doesn't mean that you

Can surround yourself with lovers. You can still surround yourself with love. Oh, what non-sexual ways do you surround yourself with love? And then later I'll probably ask them follow up about the sexual ways Well, you have your two wonderful friends here that you do your your two wonderful friends here that you do your, what is this? A pod cast? Yeah, you know what I imagine my mom doesn't know what podcasts are either really. I'm not sure who's listening to this. Not my mom. Well, your mother sounds lovely.

She is. She is lovely. And you've got, um, Chant tells me that different people stop by all the time. See, we as humans are social beings. We need to surround ourselves with people. You're referring to yourself as a human? I do sometimes, yes. I mean, I married a human. That's true. Yes. Yeah.

I have the face of a human. Yeah, you got a weird face on it. I do. Yeah. It's a face but also with a mane. Yeah. I got my mane done for the wedding. Oh, really? You wouldn't believe the number of places where you can get your hair done with mane in the title.

Really? What was some of the names? You know, the mane event. Uh-huh. The lion's mane. Oh, yeah. I like my favorite. I have never gone there because I don't have a mane, but I walk by horny on mane all the time.

Oh, yes. Launch it. Oh. Did you get your hair done and you're gonna mane it after all? I did. That's exactly where I got it done. I'm back at the table. Are we talking about mane?

We're talking fun mane places? Yeah. No pain no mane. Mane square mane. Mane square mane. That's another one. I feel like this was a chunt trap, this conversational topic. Portland main, the main stage theater.

Exile on Main Street. That's all of them. That's it. Mom, I don't want to put you on the spot, but Arnie, my mom does this thing where she'll take her tail, her scorpion tail. She'll place the stinger on your palm and she'll give you a reading. Do you want one of those? They're pretty accurate. Sure. I got it just real quick. Like, is there like poison or venom or anything in that? Yeah, of course there is. Yeah. Oh, yes, deadly poison. It only comes out when I wanted to.

Oh, and you don't. And never like, there's literally like a 0.60 out of 61% chance that it could happen. Oh, that is fucking not Dr. Zwergatt. Look at you and your math. You're being a real math fraction. Yes, that's right. No chance of poison coming out. Why would I want to hurt anyone? Oh, okay. Oh, I follow up question. Would it hurt? Like what it just hurt her? Oh,

let's see. It would feel like a human fingernail on a chalkboard. Okay. Here it comes. Oh, strong lines. Oh, big hand. Oh, God. And she's gigantic. And she thinks my hands big, so it's shut up. Okay, well Arnold, I can see that you're going to have a long life ahead of you. That seems unlikely, but thank you. I'm afraid I do seem some darkness, and that I think you're going to be somewhere. I have not watched my hands in a long time. Well, I can't seem to stand. I'm afraid I do see some darkness and that I think you're going to be somewhere.

I have not watched my hands in a long time. Well, I can't seem to stand. I can't seem to stand. There are my world that's really easy to wash your hands. Oh, yes. And even then, I wasn't great about it. But I'm so sorry, I distracted you. What could that darkness be?

Maybe it's the D.L. Or you don't have enough love in your life and you're stuck somewhere where you don't want to be. Is that true, Arnie? Are you stuck somewhere you don't want to be? I mean, I would like to be home with my wife and child and my mom. Does your mom live with you? No, but you know what? At least once a year. Oh, that's about the same amount that I see my Chentie. My mummy. Yeah. You know, Chon, why don't you visit your mom more often?

She's on the other side of the mountains. Well, she's your mom. I'm so busy as well. We're both so busy. I could definitely cast a spell to make the mountains move. No, we don't need this. Fine. I just move the mountains. You could just basically fly there direct. Well, the mountains. I'd also cast a spell to make you fly. I don't need them. The mountains hide what my mom does with her friends behind that mountain, so I don't need to see that. Yes.

Does that make sense? I don't need to suppose so. Oh, no. And you're so busy with your podcast, and now, uh, uh, Spins? Well, I've just learned here today. What, what, podcast?

You snore and I need, don't say a word. Mom, what's a podcast? Well, I'm thinking of a Pod of turtles or geese Some animal group is a pod whales. That's what it is a pot of whales and getting stuck in it in a net Sounds right to me cast Whales stuff in it. I mean, I guess the analogy holds should we be talking about whale things? Oh Whales there's so much love between whales. Mm-hmm.

They're so beautiful. And I love ambergris. I'm not gonna lie. You love what? Ambergris? Whale vomit? Yeah. I used to write trivia on my world, so I don't know a lot

of dumb stuff. Well, it's like a beautiful rock that's beautiful and has all sorts of magical properties. And it tastes pretty good. I'll have to add it to my collection. Oh yes. I highly recommend it. Oh you're very welcome.

Mom, I'm taking with a mane of salt. Let's take a break. Alright, let's take a quick break. I'm going to go walk to the back of the tavern and scream a little bit more because I'm still a little bit scared and we'll be right back. So, Eleanor the mantocore. I am very excited to learn more about your life. You know, what is it like on your side of the mountain?

What do you do day to day? Well day to day. We keep so busy of the mountain. What do you do day to day? Oh, well, day to day, we keep so busy and the pride. Again, this is the pride, some people call it a commune. Yes, like I said, we grow our own food. As you know, I'm the spiced potato maker. Oh, oh, I love spiced potatoes. Oh, do you think, when we're done recording,

you think you can maybe run to the kitchen with a batch? Oh, yeah, please mom. My mom makes the, I've told you guys, my mom makes the best Spice Potatoes. The Vermilion Minotaur is very good Spice Potatoes, but I'm sure your homemade version is far superior. I happen to have a Spice Packet in my pouch. So wonderful.

Now you said you grow your own food. If you're a pride, don't you hunt for food or...? Oh, that too, yes. We do do a little bit of hunting, however me, sometimes by appetite is that of the lion. Sometimes it's the serpent. So sometimes I get a meal and meal it lasts for a month. Oh, wonderful. Yes.

That's nice. That does make it nice. Have you ever eaten something so big that there's just like this weird giant bulge on you, like a snake in a cartoon? Like you. You know what? Only a few times.

But it's so funny when man, of course, man to course, excuse me, are pregnant. Sometimes you can't ask a woman if she's pregnant because you're not sure if she's pregnant because you're not sure if she is pregnant or she's just eaten something very large. Exactly. The safest time to ask a woman if she's pregnant is if there's a baby coming out of some part of her. Even then. Even then you don't know. It might not be hers. But it's safer. It's safer. So like is it all man to cause and lions? I guess I

don't fully understand this communal society you live in. Oh Yes, well, it's a combination you know again. We don't turn anyone away free love Peace sure that's what we're all about sure. So there are other man to cores. There are lions There's a few barn cats. Yes, back I would say my most deepest relationship, most special relationship currently, is with a barn cat. Oh, yes.

Oh, is he spicy? Gentlemen, you don't even know. I don't want to know. Yes, I'll keep a tight lip for my son. I won't ask questions, but I will say I'm having a hard time figuring out the logistics. So, now that you say this, this is ringing a bell with me. And you know all my travels I learn about many things throughout food. Does Dumpel live in your own condolence?

Dumpel! Dumpels! Oh my goodness! Dumpel has the head of aumbled has the head of a bat, and the body of a bat, but in between the body and the head, is another body of a rat. He's a bat rat. Yes.

Bat rat bat. He's a bat rat bat. And Lord help us all. He starts flying around the barn at night. Sure. And I've met, there's a guy, I forget his name. He's got the body of a spider in the head of a, I forget his name, he's got the body of a spider in the head of a wolf.

There's a guy who's got the body of a frog in the head of a horse and he just kind of drags the head. Like, he can't keep his head up. He's just like, yeah. Yeah, there's no need to give him sorrow. That's Patrick. Patrick does very well for himself. No, don't say that.

Patrick Fox. He does very well. He's got a frog body in each horse head. He's got a wonderful, full life. Has everyone doesn't are coming? If there's the guy, I don't know if he's in comedy anymore, there's the guy that had the frog face in the horse body. That guy did well for himself.

He got a big ol' horse. I mean, God. They were lovely to you, Chuck. They all sent you Christmas presents for you. He said they're all very nice, but I mean, that tongue with that dick. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here.

I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here.

I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here.

I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. No, I mean, that reminds me when I stayed with you, once I was over around Christmas and you're going through a bunch of Christmas cars and you're like, this guy, he fucks, this guy, not so much, this guy fucks, fucks, doesn't fuck, fucks, this guy fucks. Now why are we being so mean to Patrick? I obviously, I don't know Patrick personally, but a big horse head and a little frog body,

you could still do a lot with that. Live a very full, happy life. Yes, let's all be kind to one another. That's right, we say. Sorry, mom. Yes, let us all be kind to one another. Let us go forth into the world and spread kindness to Fiji Nimo wherever we turn. Mom, would you mind giving Yusidora a reading?

Oh, my goodness. You sure could want to home. Oh, um, well, you have to use my right hand. Is that all right? Because my left hand currently isn't my hand. It's someone else's hand. Oh, yes, that's no problem at all. All right.

You know what, with Arnold's, I should have removed my turquoise bracelets, pardon me. Oh, and I had a quick question before you did this. Is it going to hurt? It shall not, not for you, Yusodor. Okay, what if I wanted to hurt a little bit? Oh, guys. Is there poison?

Can I get a little bit of the poison? Just a little bit. Only for you, Yusodor, because you asked for it. All right. All right, here we go. Can you flap your butt wings? Ooh, just a little. Oh, this isn't, you're gonna, this is a little preview

of how I'm gonna dance with this wedding coming up. Oh, are you't you're gonna this is a little preview of how we're gonna dance at this wedding coming up Clap clap clap but wings clap clap I'm pressing a little bit of a competition. All right, this readings What do you see Well like Arnold you story are so lucky. You have a long life ahead of you. Yes. Yes, and I do see great things. Oh, yes, I will accomplish great things when I destroy my great enemy.

Yes, exactly. I see a great battle before you. Great battle. Great battle. And I shall be great battle before you. Great battle. Great battle. And I shall be victorious in this conflict. Well... What? I can't see that far. Well then I shall go down in a blaze of glory.

For even if I am defeated I shall take out as many of the Dark Lord... as many of the D.L.'s forces as I can. I shall not go quietly, nay. I shall make so much noise! If I undefeated, none shall feel the less pain than I. I will say, and I- I don't mean to offer this up to freely, Mom, but... ...you said, or, if you're looking for someone for your quest, my mom is fucking badass. Oh!

Oh, that's true. I can be quite intimidating. I'm told you're scary You look I mean you're very nice, but like you are very intimidating. Elanoa. I must ask you now Will you join mine quest to defeat evil? Oh, if it's to defeat evil of course Really? Yes. Is there music on this quest? Oh, that's another big thing at the comm, you never won. We have so much music.

Oh, that's nice. So much, so many. Loot songs. Do you know Loot Reed? I am not familiar with these songs. Okay, he's... Yes, we love listening to Loot Reed. He's more of an underground artist.

Yes, exactly. But he follows our morals and dara sensibilities. Does the music, I assume the music, is the, how shall you say, a sav that helps lead to more of the sexual proclivity. I'm gonna go grab a beer. Yes, I would say it certainly helps. I mean, really, again, our life is so simple, but so rich, and it really was the happiness

that I needed after the dark period. So it sounds like you really live a very full life, take tending into your needs, tend into the needs of others about you, living for pleasure, but also being responsible enough to care for a group of creatures and sentient beings around you. I think it's quite a lovely way to live.

Oh, thank you, Yusadoya. You're welcome. I appreciate that very much. You know I was kind of curious if you're going to be joining Yusud or his quest. I'd love to hear more about the terrifying ways that you kill and destroy things with your scorpion tail and... Well it's quite a moral conundrum and really this battle I have inside me, right? Because I am all about peace and kindness, but Manta Cours got to eat, you know, Heads and hunt and and strike down orcs and goblins and all the other minions of the DLs

Oh, I've never killed a goblin. You never know heavens know. No, no Well, you if you want to join the quest you're probably going to have to kill a goblin. Oh, you've never killed a goblin. Oh, heavens no. No? No! Well, if you want to join the quest, you're probably going to have to kill a goblin. Oh, he was the tour. Well, you know, I'm very curious. Like, how do you decide like what things you will won't kill? Well, normally, we get a sense of how evil they are. Most goblins are quite lovely. Well, if they're an employee of the DL then I suppose that's not exactly true, but I suppose they could be reformed perhaps,

but on a quest such as this, Reformation is not always the first choice. So we must do what we must in these dark times. We must take lives. It is not an easy task, but you must be up to it. Think of it this way Patrick if he was evil would you kill him? Oh in a heartbeat. Oh, there you go But also I should be clear we are trying to work on a strictly no killing in hogs face rule. Oh, of course Yeah, in hogs face. Yeah, no one dies. I'll aspire, man. Well, luckily I am full. I'm not hungry. Ha ha ha.

That affects it, too. Obviously, when I get pretty hungry, I just sort of black out and may come to and have killed something. It's quite terrible, really. So you can just sort of go into a blind hunger range. Exactly. Now I'm starting to see why you and your deceased husband got along. Exactly.

Oh, we had so many wonderful meals together. You know, I really was a crux of our relationship. You should have had one right before he died. I wonder if there's a way for me to come up with a time travel spell that will allow us to go back in time and allow Hugo to eat something. And that way we'd never have to talk to Hugo. Yeah, back. I saw you story. It looks like you're thinking of something.

You're trying to think of more main shumps? Oh, I was thinking of the main event. I thought a main enable. A main enable. It looks pretty good. You're allowed to come back and say that you thought of where many ones. Shamps. Oh, I was thinking of the main event and a main and evil and evil just for good just you're allowed to come back and say that you thought of where many ones you don't have. Well, I was waiting to see

for it in and I saw you said or start to look sort of a intensive or just kind of looks like he was in a sure thought to strike while the iron was who yes, he saw me over here with my wand pulling little bits of silver

out of my own brain. Yeah, have you ever seen him do that? Oh, those are cold. They're cold. Every once in a while, mine's a little bit of my pocket. Mind worms. Yes, I pull a little mind worm out of my brain and then I swallow it because I remember everything I eat. Oh, that's a way to not get hungry.

Very, very fun. Very fun. And mind worm. Also, if we can jump back momentarily, you said, or you know, I, yes, it would be nice to go back in time for Hugo, but at the same time, I wouldn't have the life that I have today, and I'm so happy. Well, I suppose it's foolish to meddle with the past. Is Sador could you send me back in time?

No. It's foolish to meddle with the past for such trilliamatos. If I were going to go in the past, what I would do is I would go back to the beginning of the very first Dark Lord, and I would undo that power before they ever did grow so strong. Oh, like kill the Dark Lord as a baby? Well, there have been a lot of people in there who would do a time travel. At this point. Yes, it's a little bit of a cliché. That's why I usually don't mess with it. I leave that to Can and his bullshit. If you can go back in time, you should kill the Dark Lord as like a teenager or even like young adult. Like before they're really powerful but like not one or baby, that's either. I suppose that's true, but at that point if you go back in time, aren't you better off to try to put that person on a better path?

Rather than destroy them outright, perhaps create a set of circumstances where they don't become evil at all. So you'd go back in time and you would take the dark lord as a baby and then raise him to be a good guy? What a wonderful idea! Oh, he could come live on my commune. Well, I've done this four or five times already, and every time I do it, the universe finds a way to make him evil anyway. So I just quit trying. If I could go back in time, I would have said,

Maynard Shine. I'd go back five minutes and I'd say, Maynard Shine. Good one, honey. I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life that I didn't say that. Thank you, honey. I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life that I didn't say that. Thank you, mom. Is there a way, you Sador,

and I know you don't take time travel lightly? You could send Chant back in time to every episode where you could fill in all the work of blood that he feels like he missed. I chant, I don't particularly recall you doing any wordplay on the show until now. Do you want to go back in time and add it to all the previous episodes? I mean, I do feel like there's times when we get down with the show and for the following week,

as I wait for an next episode, I think of all the jokes I missed or the people on Twitter tell me the jokes I missed today. It's just so hard to live with that weight. If there is a way for me to shrug that albatross off my neck, that would be... Well, no main no gain. Oh, main no mom is crushing it. You said, or could you send me back in time? No. Sometimes on Twitter people are like, pretty good joke. It's no one appreciated it enough,

so I can go back and do it. Who did that Troy? Was it fucking Troy? What is this Twitter you're talking about? Oh, is it like a key party? Oh, John, we gotta get your mom on Twitter Then she could read all your tweets. No, I don't have we told you about key parties Well, you go to a party You put your key into a bowl like on food. Well, you go to a party. Oh, they're so wonderful. You put your key into a bowl.

Then everyone exchanges keys. You take a key. And there is a puzzle lock box waiting for you back at your home. You have to solve all the puzzles in the box. There could be dozens or hundreds of them. And once you open the box, you could have sex with whoever's inside. Once you piece them together. Oh, yes, it's all consensual until they collapse because you don't like I always say life is like a box You fill it up with shit and then it collapses. Oh my mom does say that Apple pass apple apple apple apple you dying be off Oh It kept the earth it kept the earth It gave me a pop what's happening? Well't be a gap. Yeah, what's happening?

Well, chun disappeared. You saw what you do with chun. I hope he's back in time for his wedding Well, you're back. Oh good. Oh My god, I says that was amazing. You said or thank you so much. Oh, you're warning. What I went back in time I went I went into every single episode and I put in wordplay What oh it was unbelievable. Oh my gosh. My memories are changing I went into every single episode and I put in wordplay. What? It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. Oh my gosh.

My memories are changing. I'm starting to remember all the episodes with a lot more wordplay. Someone would say too much. Well, I'd say the appropriate amount. It's a lot for me to comprehend. Let's set Arnie back in time. Yeah, you should or could you set me back in time to before? Before he red-choice email and start to comprehend. Let's set Arnie back in time. Yeah, you should or could you send me back in time to before he red-choice email and start to do that.

The math stuff. No, no, no, no, that's kind of useful. Maybe send me back in time to before I came to Foon. Send me back to like right before the first episode. Oh no, you don't want to do that. No, I do. No. So that I know you came here so that I can stay home

with my family. Well then how would we do the podcast? I don't know I would just gather up two stupid fucking improvisers in Chicago and do a fake version. No one would listen to that. Would you call it? I would call it. Mystery Cove? No no no you're fine we're at. I'll tell you what let me see how can I help Arnie I shall send you back in time Yes, Arnie I shall set you free Are you ready? Yeah, they got a frog roppa the apple see apples the apple Yeah, blah blah, apple happy shapel We were just in them I sent him back to this morning so he could put on a different shirt.

Hmm. Lemon, snapple. So what'd you send? Yes, I was part of it. Hmm. Oh, you're back. Oh. You're a pink shirt.

Yeah. But do you see that I wrote math makes it possible on my pink shirt? Yeah. I'm not. Gentlemen, as much as I love the time travel that you're doing, I would encourage you to see the blessings and the bad things that have come to you and see how strong you are now and how you can continue to overcome them and be stronger, rather than fix it by going back in time.

Yes, and of course, every time I send you back in time, a whole hood of elephants passes away. So, there's a tall price for this smell. So, I'm going to, I'm stopping here. There goes a lot of our food. Magic has a cost. Magic isn't free. Why do you think I stopped trying to re-raise the dark lord? Every time I'd get to the point where he was a teenager and then he got mad at me and he'd run away from home or he'd get to be about 25 and he'd get a weird haircut and we'd get into a fight. We had that art period,

it was like painting, terrible. Magic's a real main in the ass. It's maybe a good time to transition to emails. Hey, you know, if you want to email me, you can email me at Magic Tavern, I hope he's out supplies, it's a real email address. I'm gonna read one here. It says, hello Arnie, Chant and Yucidor. I'm a to read one here. It says, Hello Arnie Chunt and Yusidor. I'm a long-time

fan of Magetapher and have a question about the planet of Foon. I don't know if that's accurate. In one of your early episodes, I seem to remember that Yusidor, very matter of factfully explained that Foon is a spherical planet much like Earth. As such, I was wondering why none of you, but especially Yusidor, didn't call out the Moth Band's bullshit when he claimed to have just discovered that Foon isn't flat, eagerly awaiting your reply on the podcast, Chad Kent. Oh, well that's very simple. It is a round planet just like Earth, from above when you look down on it.

Oh, it's flat when you look at it from the side. Yeah, but it's perfectly round and flat just like Earth. Hmm, no prize. Check it out. Yeah, I send some love to what was his name? Chad Kent. Chad Kent. Chad, I hope you overcome whatever it is that is troubling you and find yourself stronger on the other side.

Oh, that's sweet, Mom. Yeah, you know, I think you're right. I think you're really, you can sense that something's troubling someone when they say, I seem to remember in an email. I got an email here, this is from Beth Rosy Rossi, says hello from Scotland. To my favorite food trio, hello from the magical land of Scotland. Like you Arnie, I'm somewhat of an outsider, as I moved here recently from California.

I am a geologist here on Earth, a profession that you used to door would probably love. And she has a few things to say here, used to door what's your favorite rock? Oh, slate. Chuck, congrats on your engagement. Love you, keep on keeping on. You are awesome. And Arnie, she says, I'm a big Twin Peaks fan. Oh. Just to let you know, recently they made a third season of Twin Peaks as a 25 years later kind of thing. I don't know what dimension that email came from, but there's no way they did a third season of Twin Peaks on my planet as much as I would like them to. Also, what did Scott do to make a move out of his land? I don't know.

Oh, and you know what that reminds me of you, Siddor? I know you said you really love Slate. You should consider subscribing to Slate Plus. That way you just get a little extra slate every week. You can't hold it. You're being real bad. How do you do that, Fest? Oh, you know what, I have one more email here.

I feel like we haven't done as many emails lately. Here's one from someone named John Bastion. Oh, what? And they write, so a friend of a friend just called me in to episode 32 of Hello from the Magic Tavern, offices and bosses Bosses, and Holy Crap, I show up at about 7 minutes and 20 seconds in, and now I'm really curious as to how anybody there came up with my name. My first guest would be that you're perhaps referring to my alternate universe persona,

who isn't me, but who's a musician from Santa Cruz, California. I would be the playwright version from Los Angeles, and definitely not the fire safety, dude, from Vegas. But again, it was really interesting surprise, and now the universe has dictated that I get in touch with y'all. Because really, how could I not? Sincerely, V. John Bastion, who isn't a character

in a role-playing game, at least, he doesn't think he is. So this person claims that it's amazing that I have come up with the name John Bastion even though this person clearly knows there at least two more of them out there. What are the odds? And he decides to turn you all into one shorter word? Y'all. Y'all? Y'all?

No we could do that. Y'all. Y'all. Oh, y'all. Y'all. You know we could do that. Y'all. Y'all. Is it possible this person thinks they're a real person, but they're really just a figment of your imagination? Well, I assume most of you are a figment of my imagination. In all the experiments I've done on myself over the years,

trying to learn ways to defeat my great enemy, I assume that I'm often having a psychotic break and that most of you are out in your real. I mean, look at her. She's got a human face on a lie and head and a scorpion body and bad wings on a butt. And it's still cute as a button. Rawr. I can have her email here. This is from Nama, Nama, Weiss. This is from our biggest fan in Israel. Oh, Israel, is that right? Our biggest fan is real. Is it real?

Is fake? Israel? Is real. Is real. Is this a figment of your imagination? Possibly. So it's Hello Arnold Chun and you store. I have discovered your podcast about four weeks ago and I have listened to every episode you ever made over the past

three and a half-ish years in four weeks. Well, it's actually three and sixty-six years. Deep ratings of the year. That's too many episodes in four weeks. Anyways, I have a question for Yusudor. My three and a half-year-old daughter has recently started to love rocks. She'll often find one in the street, pick it up,

embrace it, and say, I love rocks. Is she a wizard or is Yusudor a place of powerful enchantment on her from beyond? If you love rocks, that doesn a wizard or is he store a place to powerful enchantment on her from beyond? If you love rocks, that doesn't necessarily mean you're a wizard. If the child holds the rock for a while and then begins to float in the air, or the rock comes alive and has a face, or the rock spews blood, then perhaps the child is a wizard. There you have it.

But I had no hand in it, not me, not me, not it. the child as a wizard. There you have it. But I had no hand in it. Not me. Not it. Is wizard? Is wizard. She could have just wrote, is wizard? Is wizard? Question mark?

If you have any questions that are as simple as is wizard, you can email Magic Tavern at puppies as applies or you can email me at chun't with six teas at gmail.com. Or you can contact me by sleeping underneath seven layers of herbs and spices, coaching yourself in a thin batter, throwing yourself into a hot boiling bath of oil, and cooking yourself as if you were delicious fried chicken. But also if you email Arnie or I,

you still get the email. So you can just do that. Or you can email a chance mom at man to kill at Ashley Madison that come visit me on the commune the indigo girls can entertain you and by that I mean two blue women full dance they're wonderful dancers that sounds great you know we should all take a trip to the commune together. Won't that be fun? All right.

All right. You go ahead. Chunk, you should really visit your mom more often. I don't want to watch her. And the midst of her lovers. How about this? Elinor, if Chunk comes to visit, would you take a love break for a little while?

If you could see her. Of course. Anything for my Chunk tea. No, let me. Yes. And I'm so happy for you could see us. Of course. Anything for my chante. Oh, mummy. Yes. And I'm so happy for you again. Congratulations. Actually, I have a question about chante and his childhood.

Did you name chante? Did you give him his name? I did. Yeah. Alright, let me accept. It's a family name. Okay. It's my father's middle name. Mm-hmm.

Yes. Alright, it's all coming together. Yes. Anyway, darling, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy you found a love. Thank you. It means the world to me that you're here. I do have one ask. Can you not bring that horse frog to the wedding?

Well, this is awkward. I've already invited him. What a real mother figure. Yes. And don't worry if we visit, you can keep loving. I'll hold a leaf up or something. Oh, thank you, Siddore. Where's the leaf going?

Between? Like a partition of sword. Yes, exactly. How big is this leaf? Just big enough. You've never been on the other side of the mountains. The leaves are ginormous. Oh, I haven't been thinking about this leaf for a long time.

Wait, to fixate on the wrong thing. So you know me. Oh, Maine. I love the jizz on a leaf. Ball and Maine. Oh, yes, that's what you're getting for your wedding. The old ball and Maine. Yes.

Singing in the Maine. That's all of them., Maine. Yes. Singing in the Maine. That's all of them. November, Maine. Ah, send me back in time. I can't remember, do I enjoy these transmissions? It's more like you get through them considering the amount of time you've already invested. Yeah, that's unfair.

You said or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Badger was played by Adel Raffaie. Belanore the Mantakor was played by special guest Jill Fenstermaker. Ketcher performing at I.O. Chicago and catch the team she coaches, Big Spoon, at I.O.s on Saturday. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacobo. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hang on, I'm accessing a file that was auto-save

before I was deactivated. Such a nice return then murdered with a laser saw. Yeah, it was kind of elegant, actually. Here we go. Oh, oh dear. Oh no. What, the second half of a rest of development, season five, further weakens of elegant, actually. Here we go. Oh, oh dear. Oh no. What, the second half of a Rest of Development season five, further weakens the brand?

No, but yes, but the void is consumed most of Quadrant 14. That's what you were about to report to the high command. We've talked about this. We're leaving that threat to the B list. We start dabbling in planetary affairs. There's no time left for crafting Thursdays. But look at these readouts. The Voids progress is 10 times worse than projected.

Either we do something, or we hide in the space bunker, as the universe slowly disappears. We're gonna hide in the bunker, right? I mean, it is nice and warm in here. The thing about universes is they come and go, but crafting Thursdays, those are special. Newly reborn, I am finally ready to work with Calico. You guys are such dicks.