Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 99 - The Weapon

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

What is the weapon? What does it do? Poet Laureate Spurt the Elder shares some ancient poems and literature that might help. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSpurt the Elder: Andy CareySquibbert: Sarah ShockeyBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenHigh Time Queen: Brooke BreitMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Ryan DiGiorgi, Evan JacoverEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world.

I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world.

I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the world. I'm not a fan of the noise. I don't know what you're doing, but if you touch the homemade macaroni curtain, I've been hands-stringing for weeks. I am going to crush you between my furrowed eyebrows. It is a nightmare in here. Everyone does their laundry together, so right now I'm wearing a violently mismatched, pajama bottom and top. I'm talking marine creatures and assorted by planes. I mean just kill me. No, not you. Ugh.

Literal table for one. Look, you have to do two things. One, send me the new Soograft in novel. I just finished. He is for a few. That's a lot of murder. And I've read all the rib-old limericks on my cell wall. Two, you have to keep those transmissions going.

Or, Emperor Football will know something's wrong. Well, you know what? Forget it. I'll trigger it remotely. Remember, none of this is real. Even the stress rash I'm developing on my winter thorax. Okay, computer, recognize voice print, Tao Sigma 13. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I will that password. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arne and you can't even have those in the podcast before this is everything

you need to know about four years and two weeks ago. Although actually I do have that spread sheet which is having a little bit of trouble with that someone named Troy sent to me to track the exact amount of time. You know, I get a lot of emails from people. People are really into Excel on Earth. A lot of people were sending me different spreadsheets to track that time.

Let me see if I can pull one of those up here. Here's one from Nathan, who emailed to say, hello, magic tavern crew. I started listening to the pod in August. Do you do emails at the beginning of the show now? I don't know, I think the podcast is about time now. I have just now caught up on the current episode. Already.

I noticed you were having issues with the spreadsheet provided you by Troy. So I thought I'd take a swing and making it easier for you to be attached spreadsheet formats at time since the start of the podcast and a format that is more similar to how you say it about three years, 11 months, and three weeks ago, how hopefully you find it helpful. I also included a Google sheet link in case you want to use that

instead, happy time tracking Nathan. Alright, so now I have a spreadsheet, let me just, uh, alright, now I can use it to say exactly how long it's been in the way that I say it, so about, as it says here, four years and two weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical end of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal

from the Burger King through the dimensional. Should it be a slight Wi-Fi signal? You know what? How do we measure the amount of Wi-Fi? If anyone, if any listeners have a spreadsheet or like a Google Sheets that they could send to us, I'd be more frustrated but this is probably the shortest intro we've done. That's probably true.

In the magical end of the tune. Hey! What? What was that? I don't know. I just, I just make you spit some of your kings juice out. Yeah, I was taking a back. That was, I've never, that's what the intro should be.

And maybe, maybe. Hey, buddy, you know, I'm a success. This is the first time I've seen you smile all week. Yeah, I've been, uh, obviously pretty upset. Um, but I found something out and this is, yeah, and I'm sorry not to dredge up things, but for new listeners, you're probably upset because you're, my husband exploded on the, um, yeah, because you're... My husband has been exploded on the...

Yeah, he has sex, my husband, and you're wetting and he exploded everywhere. I found something out, which is the giant egg that he left behind that has bees flying around it. Sure. Whenever the bees sting me, it'll list its joy. So I don't know if they're magic in some way, but they don't die, but anytime they sting me

It just brings me joy, so maybe you're just happy to feel something No, I think it's magic. Okay, could be could be magic. Yeah, I'm I know I know the difference between a bee sting and joy. I know I'm happy to feel something with my return dog Whoa, I don't have your wife saw him anymore anymore. Was gonna mention something about that at chance wedding, but yeah, you're- Well, it wasn't the time. Yeah. Tussardor exploded.

It's die. Yeah. Proper death. Or it's turned into an egg, either way. I'm, I'm, to be think the two-sourds in that egg that you're carrying around now. Do we think the Tussardor's in that egg? I don't think we think the two-sourds in that egg.

Oh good. I don't know what I'm gonna say good. Honestly, it just makes me feel happy that he left something, so I'm in no hurry to crack it open and I'm sure it'll hatch in its own time. He left that egg, some bees, and just honey all over a lot of the walls. Yeah, that was unfortunate. Yeah. Very sorry. We're so thank you. Thank you. That happened. I'm just happy I have my Aggie baby. I have you too. I just I like to be surrounded by the people I love right now. And so I appreciate that. Yeah, and you said, or I'm happy that you got your arm back. I want to make sure that we don't we don't sweep that in the rug. Would we say

that he had a slight wife arm or I would say he had a full on wife arm. Yeah, you had for new listeners, you store other wizard, grandmaster of lighting shadow manipulator of magical delights, the vowr of chaos, champions of the great halls. He was a grandmaster. We stopped talking about it. Why did everyone get uncomfortable?

I don't know. It's sort of like how this town used to be called Hoggface. And then one day everyone just started calling it Hogg's face. And we're all just like, you mean one week later? Yeah, everyone's just sort of like, hi, that's so much easier to say. We should have always. Getty.

Yeah, yeah. There are no two Shay. Well, you know, I miss my wife's arm, but I'm glad you got your arm back, you said or. Oh, so am I. I can only assume. Uh, it's wherever a Sarah is. She used my obsidian arm to defeat the void, because I don't have any sense of the void

being around anymore. Is it, is it me or could you not understand what he just said? I'm not sure what. I just defeated the void. Yeah, I don't. I'm just being chockened in there. Oh, the days of my life. They shall go through the air and find a way to defend them.

Arnie, it's happening. He's going into the wizard state. We haven't seen this in some time. Oh, I thought this was just his voice changing, like his voice changed about four or five episodes into the podcast. We haven't seen wizard State in 100 episodes. It's been a while.

It's been a while. That's my name. What? How does he feed the void? Defeat the void? What? Your wife has defeated the void. Oh, good for her.

How is she? How is she doing? Is she alive? I don't know But doesn't matter the void is defeated. So that's one thing off of our list and now very soon. Oh wait wait Let me cross it off Defeat the void D did it on your list is Phil the void can you wait a second? Okay, I got right that We didn't fill it. We feel the void I don't Also make a note there that we didn't do and just make a note that it happened the void was defeated This this is a lot of changes. I'm just gonna add add update list to the list. Yeah, we'll get to that

Yeah, yeah, well, we need one update right now. Yeah, you had one thing to the bottom of the list sure I Want to go see the mittens game next week. Can we please go to the minnes game? I'm so Okay, well, you know what I you know I was gonna a surprise, but I have been in a communication with Larry Birdman And I have gotten expressed written consent that I can record at the Mittens game next week So we're gonna go to the Mittens game and we're gonna do an episode around it. I'm still surprised That's incredible. I know it's gonna be exciting. Uh, is it? It's still a sport right yes, it's a sport

Can we buy me some pied nuts? Some what some pied nuts we buy me some pied nuts? What are what are pied nuts? I do not we write that on the list Okay What are- what are Pied nuts? You don't wanna know. I do not. We write that on the list. Okay. Uh, now I'm gonna put it at the bottom of this list. Do not find out what Pied nuts are. And crossed it out! Guys! D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- No. Oh. Damn, shut down. Well, here's the thing, if the void is defeated and we've already accomplished that, then

I guess we don't need this weird statue thing that we found hidden in the tavern, the Penalope? Of course we do. This is a very powerful weapon. I know not how to access its powers yet, but as soon as this majestic deer-like creature, the Penalope is unlocked. We shall destroy any enemy that stuns an op-out. Yeah, Arnie, we need this statue. You know why? Because plot... That is true. Yes. Guys, we're almost episode 100, so I feel like we're going to be hit by plot

super hard soon. Oh, and I almost forgot. I know we were all drinking a lot at Chunch Wedding, you know, before, you know, before your husband blew up. I drink a lot after. And even more so afterwards, I forgot that the Baron and Tannikin said that they were going to recapture Hogs face for the Dark Lord and Betray us and I somehow talk them into waiting a week. It's been not, Gatlin' Paul at this spreadsheet. It's been one week. That's been.

It's been, I, this spreadsheet is only, it's been four years and two weeks. So the Dark Lord is about to double cross this. I guess we, this is like our last moments to like figure out the secret of the tavern that we can use against the Dark Lord. Why do we claim all this plot in one episode? I know we've been fucking around for like, let me bring it up.

Four years and two weeks. That can't be right. If the Baron is going to double cross us, and they are for by the power of association the Dark Lord crosses us, we should double cross them back. Wait, wait, wait, I think I have it Okay, give me a piece of paper. Okay, here you go here Is that what we're calling him? Yeah, the DL here DL

Hello, this is chant as you know my husband recently exploded These give us another week off as I still need time to recover. That's right. If we can delay it for a week, we don't even have to start working on this until next week. Yeah, we can put it off. Yeah. Because we're procrastinators. Oh, but guys, I was on my list procrastinating. If you want me to sign that to make it official. Yeah, do you mind? Let me just rip this off here Digestic sound or have you pronounced that there's also a prescription for some muscle relax Some more muscle relaxes. Did you take some of those? I don't know I'm already I think I know what's going on

Thusidor. I think he's chasing muscle You you already take them no, it's done by tongue. Oh, but it's so happy. I'm so happy I'm gonna get done by me here guys. We got to cut the shit the dark lord is gonna retake hogs face and I don't want to do pie we can have a big ride I don't want to do pie. I't have a figure. I don't want to apply. I feel like this is one of our last chances before episode 100 to figure out the secrets of the tavern. Do we have to do episode 100? What's this?

Do we already do it? This is another 100. So it's episode 200. No. Are we not doing numbers anymore? Oh, I'll bring it up with Apple. Look, we try. I shall go outside, pick an apple off the tree and have a long discussion.

Goodbye. What? I never tell you. You still answer to me, Apple. Never tell you that I was blind. I'm a pilot of this shit. You were born on a pilot of shit? No.

I'm a pilot of this shit. A pilot of shit. Yeah. You know what? We have tried just ripping things up in the tavern. We have tried like looking through ancient histories and magic. Maybe it's time that we look to the arts.

Like dancing and stuff? No, no, like arts that people like, like literature. Mm. Oh, like a book club. Sortmm. Oh, like a book club. Uh, sort of, sort of like a book club look is that... ...spurt the elder over by the boy? Oh yeah. Spurt!

Spurt! B-O-O! Mmm-hmm. Ha-ha! Well, well, well. If it isn't, I needn't chun. That's part. I just good to see you.

It's been a little while. Wonderful to see you pardon me. You might have been... Ugh, I've... Several large tomes with me have been... I've been on a book tour. Oh, really? Yes, I have, yes, yes. Did you write a book?

Uh, no, I found several books amongst the... the... the... the... the Foon libraries, the small little... uh... uh... uh... little miniature houses you would find upon various roads in the various lands of Foon, and they have a book, take a book, give a book program. So I've been touring around getting all the summer mysteries and a lot of good beet trees. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of good histories. I mean, these, this, this, this, this, this, uh, uh, monster right here is a, a history of hogs face itself has some very, some wonderful classics.

You know what? I was one, I have a question about the history of hogs face spurt and you are, are you still the poll poet, Laurie and a fin? I don't know, there, there's, there's been little competition since, uh, uh, with all the turmoil about the land, and people have mostly forgotten about it. Not because I've held the title or defended it, but because of a general absolute lack of interest. Can I ask how does one defend the title of Paul Orriot? Well, you would receive a challenge. Usually at the bottom of a system of waterfalls with most of the other poets of academia on various cliff levels above you and there'll be a small pool. Would they strip you of your poor polariness? I don't have that power.

Yes, I drink an indigo potion and removes all the ability to rhyme from me and therefore I need to must go in a free verse or prose even and to go against another challenger. That sounds to challenging. I could only find a quiz. What's this you said? I went to go find an apple. I could only find a quiz. Oh.

But I know you said all. What other oh spurts. Ah nice. Hmm. Oh, oh, looks very wizardry. Oh, but I know you said all those parts nice. Oh, hmm. Oh, oh looks very wizard. Oh, thank you Yes, for a while. I was Peter Obsidian. Then it was a ladies on now. It's my arm again Well, so spirit I have a question about about Hux face. Of course. Has it? Change names many times like I know Has it changed names many times? Like I know, probably about, let me look this up here,

about four years and two weeks ago, minus about two weeks ago, it changed from being called Hog Face to Hogs Face. Did it ever have any other names? Oh, many, many, many. Sasling witches and people's and ruling kingdoms do travel and diagram their way about the lander. Places change, hogs face has been very much itself though.

It was pigs' visage for a while. Pigs' visage. Portschinn, for some time, a fountain. What's this? Souten. Souten. That sounds weird. Then it was snout town.

I like that one. Yeah, but mostly butt butt butt butt butt butt. Yes, it has a big hole butt butt. There was also a chapsville. Yeah, chapsville, um, um, uh, loin town. Wow. In any case, uh, this, I mean, in part of part of my book tour, as I've learned quite a bit about many things about here, and there's just many secrets about not just hogs face, or even the

Vermilion Minotaur here as well. There's much to be related to the various taverns up and down the Great Stewards path, the road that does pass through here. A spurt. Can I ask you something? And this is this is kind of a secret information. Okay. We have been trying to find all of the secrets of the Vermilion Minotaur. We think it holds great secrets in power. Also, we've got this statue of a deer. I think it's called a penelope, which is apparently the most powerful weapon of an all of the food. Do you got any poems about the new stuff?

Oh, yeah, I believe there's some within here. Some of my favorite muses or, or, or, or, uh, uh, uh, uh, bars of the ages are within here. Um, one of my favorites, uh, talks quite a bit, but the familiar mentor itself, it is, if you don't know, although you've been here for quite some time, so I assume all this knowledge is, is simply taken for granted on your part, but I'll act as if you don't know. I don't know anything really.

Oh, congrats. Or if I've learned enough, probably forgotten that. A blank slate is a wonderful thing to work with, aren't you? Who could book you? So, congratulations. Um, no, this place is a, is a repository, an arm very, a veritable armory of powerful weapons. I'm surprised, very little,

that the Penelope is here, such a powerful weapon. I, for, who is, as is such a, it's a great river of creatures that, that flows through on the road, and they often deposit their weapons within these, these places as they travel about. And there's not unknown to various other taverns about the world.

Also, it find out in here that it's a part of an order, an ancient order really, a foolish order. The order of the flagging, it was called. I mean, yes, yes, yes. And in more ancient times, this area was called Barbathia. Yes, yes. yes, yes, and in more ancient times this this area was called Barbathea Yes, yes Barbathea is that like a barbarians Yerethra Portmanto

Yes, yes, and in that that a barbarian spread forth all his liquid waste for it is Adage that one does not purchase meat but simply leases it. No. Oh, the bar, the bar, the bathier. Yeah. That makes sense. There are many travelers that do come through here just as Spurt is said. Plus, you can get drunk.

Yeah? Yes, and take some muscle relaxes. Oh, also. Do you need any more gloop? More gloop? No, I, I've been swearing it off. When you're traveling it's tough It's really tough to keep a schedule if you're more gloved up. Yes, that's very sure

I don't know if you would you'll have to your own devices you'd sit around the local campsite and I'm just caught. Yeah, so you're saying yes the travelers travel all over Foon, but they happen a lot of times because there's such a big road that goes through Hogsface, they stop by the Vermilion Minotaur and they leave powerful weapons to be hidden here, and then they probably score some drugs. Are you surprised by this? Yeah, I think.

Why do you think I come here week after week? Hoping to scare up a band of adventurers to defeat the DL. Why do you think I just come here because I'm a, what? A disaster? A mess who doesn't know what he's doing? Ah, I don't answer that. A fool?

An idiot? Some sort of asshole? You're two kinds of asshole. Wait, thank you. Arnie, are you surprised that there's, you know, the weapons hidden here that this is a repository for weapons? Didn't you say you had something like that on Earth? It was called that trash can outside airport security.

Yes, and I said it exactly like that. I guess this tavern's like a big trash can. Yes, a trash can looked after for centuries at Will, the good barley foot who did open this place is part of a line of weapon wardens and the blemishes as well. They've been also a part of this for generations and generations. I'm sorry, who? The blemishes, the bumbles, the...

Oh, the boys. The boy, yes of course. Sure, the hideous creatures who choke out cats. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So, wait, so you're saying that O-Talk and Blemish and their family, they weren't just humble, restaurant owners and creepy evil, cat, barfing, bus boys, but there's part of something bigger. All of the above aren't it, yes, yes.

And you were treated unlike there's some sort of asshole. Yeah. Two kinds of asshole. Yeah two kinds of asshole but in any case And the reason I know much of this is there was many chapters in here about the history and a lot of verses Within this tone here about the history of hogs face. Oh, yeah, I would love to I would love to hear some verse if you wouldn't mind I do want to interject please just in case just to cover our bases If the second verse is the same as the first, I'd prefer you just don't say it.

Five. This was written by what my favorite, my most favorite part of all time is, it went by the name of Bombadilla. And he was very, very aggressive. He got the most of the dust off here. Oh, right. All right. Sorry. So what does it?

It is. So here's the first part here. It moves on for quite some time. Anybody with the gall to walk upon the Stuart's path better do the math unless they're looking for an suing wrath of the highways, protectors, inspecting the payloads of any foolish traveler that's out upon the great road of violence and

Stabbery robbery academy stepping on the highways invitation to catastrophe But you better have like a billion simmitas if you come to spar at the Vermillion Minotaur Temperature is toasty guarded by the barley feet patronized by famous guys Barbacy inst they hardly sleep or taste defeat hell That hasn't happened since Minotars took a Countess baby to the labyrinth. Hata then a dragon's den, Michingles Shang lavishing, not just another joint to drain your flag and zin, life force and ravelyn, dead are then cadavers when they are at the business end of a javelin that's traveling. People in the tavern grin when battles about to happen, the killing good super-store of magical weapons, you won't last blood flows fast

turtles with nunchucks, sys swords and boastas, it's no shock that O-Talk and all of his descendants can cold-cock the whole block of flag and full of vengeance. You've got to spell that you're looking to cast, you will catch a size 10 barley foot up your ass. Oh, bend over, I'll show you where the shoe fits. Yeah, this is amazing. And that's a volume measurement checked by academics in all new residents inspected by a blemish. No cats got their tongue, their tongues got the cats, no rasp in their lungs, just drunge from the rats.

They don't drink rainbow bowls or ambrosias, they only feel the pain of toxoplasmosis. Stuart's path guardians, this scrolls record in blemish in the barley foot minotaur wardens. Which, what are my favorites? Yeah. That was incredible. That was really very goodotaur warden. Which, what are my favorites? Yeah, I'm really very good. Wow, very, now he was at on the list, cross it off. Yeah, I'm just gonna cross a bunch of stuff for Andamoy on the list.

And now I know you're the poet, Lauret. Well, I didn't write that, that was a bomb of deliverance there. Yeah, but you can read. You think? You think? Thank you. It's under great vigor. I mean, just minutes ago,

you said we could barely say muscle relax. Muscle relax. Muscle relax, huh? I would like to defend myself for one moment. I've had a lot to drink. I've had some muscle relaxes and I stuck something in my eye earlier that was intravenous, but I'm not sure what was in it.

You in my defense. You stuck something in your eye that was intravenous, but I'm not sure what was in it. You in my defense. You stuck something in your eye that was intravenous. Uh-huh, you've Stuffed it into the blood vessel. Yes. In your eye. Yeah, make sure to try it out to see if it would help me defeat evil guys. We're so fucked What's the problem? Well, you know why we're pretty sure the the dark of the DL Which is what we call the dark lord? The DL is going to kind of attack and try to retake hogs face of a trace

We have a little bit of a deal with them though. We're trying to it's not in worth going into the whole thing But we have a deal with the deal. We have we have a DL deal We're blowing it usually. Yeah, it is true. We don't have to though. We've got this note to perhaps give us a whole week here. All we have to do is come up with some idea. Some way to double cross, the double cross. A quadruple cross. Mmm.

To celebrate the four years you've been here. I didn't want to- No, I hold on, it's actually four years and two weeks. Oh, I missed your Olympic anniversary. Sorry. Sorry. You know what, let's take a really quick break and refresh our drinks. And then, you know what, I'd love to both just enjoy

some literature, but also figure out of we can like shoot off this big old weapon thing that we found. Wait, spur, did you say weapons? Uh, if you really... There's a lot of different ways to pronounce things. And sometimes shoes need horning. And if you really have a western way of doing things,

and pronouncing things, and you can yay your way into reprenouncing words. So you said weapons. I said weapons. Wait, we'll be right back. Look at that splinter. Yeah, splinter, big guy. No, I was a splinter.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, dear listener. During the break, I was talking about. I said, splinter. Why did you look at the statue when you said, dear listener? Well, you know what, I've started to really feel like the statue was listening to me oh I thought is cuz the word dear oh yeah dear okay something whoa something just flew over your head I don't I didn't quite put it that way what's going on that

splinter I don't know you know I got this splinter from this very table like months ago this very table, like months ago. It's very sprensy. All these chapters and chapters about this very table. Oh, well, we'll get to that in a minute, but the splinter's on the same. Yeah, it's fun to say. It's been in, if a splinter's in your finger for months and months, and I do not yet have a spreadsheet, uh,

does it have to have a spin off podcast? Is that you're gonna ask? I'm just wondering, like, is there, like, is that bad for my think? Um... If your finger hasn't rejected it yet, it's likely to become part of your essence. Oh, yeah, I think it's just part of you now. Yes, is the splinter grown or your finger grown or swollen or anything?

No. Can we call it sparny? Like splinter arny? Splarny? How about splarny? Hmm. You're not saying no. What was that?

Arlinter? Arlinter. All right, fine. We will name the splinter in my finger, Arlinter. What about splarny? This is fine. What am I? Some sort of asshole?

Your two kinds of asshole. Some sort of asshole? I'll dance to this. Go wait fine. You know what? You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole.

You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole.

You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole.

You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole.

You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. You're two kinds of asshole. splutter all over the place. There's honey and... But about it wasn't sexual. I mean it was... It was during sex, but it wasn't sexual. Yes. That's rough, buddy. You know what cheer me up is if you did tell us what you know about this very tape. Yeah, I'm there. Oh, yeah! Well, there was many... It was kind of a childish... Yarn, they talked about it.

It went something along the lines. Ah, ah, ah. Look here, kids. It's not cherry maple, but you'll sit around and have a good time at this very table. Enjoy it in summer fall, Vistache or winter. Be careful though, if you rub it, you might get the splinter, but the splinter can be your friend this Eve. If that splinter doesn't want to leave, splinters will stay, yes they like to linger. You're going to sleep with the new friend in your finger. That's really worth it. Wow, I can see why that's that cut on that's like a nursery rhyme. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah.

You know sometimes literature is just so it's somehow both specific and universal that like it's for anybody But I feel like it speaking directly to me. Well scholars scholars simply say that it was a way to explain to children why they Died of infections and their fingers That's why you got a splinter because you want a new friend like the song said. What are we, some sort of assholes? What are some sort of assholes that you don't want to be friends with? What kind of assholes do you take us for? Year four kind of assholes.

Arnie, do me a favor. Five? Arnie, do me a favor. Repeat back to Spurt, the nursery rhyme. Woo! Perfect! Yeah. Here, let me give it a try.

Well, a little bit in the table and there's something in the table Hmm, table in the table, got the table in the table You should art? I've got the story to tell about the table I will tell it while I am able Well my name is Chantin, I'm here to say I like to change this almost every day I see how you're going to Lauren, I drink my meat.

I don't remember it in my food. I'd say it exactly as it was. But I'm saying something else. Just because I don't remember what it was said. And now I sort of wish I was dead, Arnie. One, two, three. Come on. Wait, can you hold off five more minutes? Arnie Wait, can you hold off five more minutes? Who is that is that the Quince speaking to me? Oh, it's how it's not like the Baron people of the hogs face

It's not a Baron Riven. Oh, no. Let's tell them no one's here. We're we're not home The candles are off no one's home. Oh shit. It sounds like squibberts with him and she's a lot smarter than know, there'll be some news disseminating from this location. Like, there'll be some news doing what? Ew. I hate it when people narrate everything they do. Arnie quit, grab some weapons. Okay, I'm grabbing a weapon. A weapon.

Look, they're grabbing weapons. Well, because you announced it like a big ol', you know, parade, they're gonna celebrate with valence. Oh, hey, hey, Baron, hey squabber. Oh, you aren't, you are looking so good. You are looking like somebody scrubbed you pink. Oh thank you, you are my favorite, talking gross.

That's not a compliment. I don't, I didn't really, I just, I didn't really hear the specific word. She said you look like somebody scrubbed you pink. That's an insult. Oh. You take it however you want to take it. It looks like somebody just washed him and washed him

until he was like, my skin can't take no more It's nice and pink No, that's a compliment because I haven't washed in a long time people of the million minute are You think he's a People from busted People of the million minute Like me again, why don't you? That was I People of the million men and a- A- Like me again, why don't you?

That was- I- I- I shouldn't have done that. I knew we were going to be working. I know, it's like one of those things where it's like, oh! Wait, I'll have a- I'll have a little bit for a time's sake. Have a take. Ooh! Baron prepared to the fun-mind-self. My sword is drawn and my staff held high.

I shall smite thee if need be on this day. Aren't you going to advise us to sit down? What's your privacy? At this very table? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I but first of all, let me order a drink. Could you get me one? Yeah, because they don't listen to you when you go to the bar. They just act like they just don't make eye contact with you, Baron. The pepper's a-the pepper. What brings you here today, Baron?

I have arrived with news. What? As we sit here talking, orders are going out to the Orcs around town. They have been given instructions that they are no longer under your directive. Well, it's he- but I have this prescription. Wait, sign by me. What is it? No, I'm sorry, I can't honor this.

What? One pineapple frimbosa for the Baron. We have pineapple frim bosa here. Well, if you know how to ask, it's a secret menu, Adam. How do you ask? Oh, I like to do, you know, we mean the bartender flirt. So, you know, I do a, you know what, you know what the Baron wants. Baron, I am here to stop your evil plans at any cost.

But first, I'm going to float for a pineapple framboza Well, you've had your fun. I hope you've enjoyed running this down, but it's at an end We you know we had a deal with the DL until we defeat the void. Yeah, we had a deal with that cornyass Mother fucking watching fuck you watch it. You've got to finish that yellow little Cornie's fuck. Do I do anything for a pineapple frambosa? Go kick that Cornie's...punk in his wiener. Yes, his Cornie's a little don. Who I am just taking this all down, I love it.

Alright, the days of this town laughing at the dark lord. Borrow. Wuh. Ha ha ha ha. He he he. What if I lift it up my wizard robe and showed you a little bit of my ankle? Oh, he has no idea what he's doing over there.

And the days of you interviewing people for your little podcast, girl. Hello there, sir. Hello there. I'm Baron Regune. Spurt, don't do it. Oh, yes. Oh, Spurt's good.

You know what? Don't make a bad impression. Spurt, you know, Spurt knows. A spurt set, Spurt won't tell you this. Spurt has a very prolific writing career and puts out very fun beachy fall reads. Oh. Like if you're on a cold beach in the autumn

and you wanna read something that's like fun but also makes you think spurt, spurt's little novellas are just. Why did you not suggest that the last time we had a two week journey? And I was like, I don't know, can you play anything? You don't even like, you're bad at reading. I'm, you, you can go, oh, who's this new character? I'm like, just read it and it'll explain it.

I'm not gonna tell you. You're dictating it to me. Yeah, you always ask all the questions. Well, I dictate and it's, you know, straight up everybody, y'all, he pisses me off. It's like, let the plot develop. You don't have to know the ending at the frickin' midpoint. Some of the stuff you suggest is so dense,

I don't know whether it's a mystery or whether it's been explained that I missed it. Yeah, well, you know, Mr. He, I miss everything, that's you. He made me a liquor, come on. He made me a licorice flaw. A liquorler? Licorice. I was like, you can get some muscle drink, that's not some muscle-mum access. I can do it out. You should mix you licorice flaw? Oh, licor-ler? Licorice. Sounds like you can get some muscle rewals. That's a muscle momexers.

I can do it out. You should mix a licorice flaw with muscle relax, and I'll tell you that much. That leads to some unwanted children. Well, here we go. All right, enough of this. Enough frivolity. Oh, take him serious.

You're supposed to be on my side here. I'm supposed to be neutral and just take him down information and pass him along to the DL on the DL. You sure you missed it. We're telling that corny that corny fucking ass rat fuck butt to fuck off. Oh, your corny chump boss? Yeah. No. He's telling you to fuck off. Oh, what? Wait, hold on, hold on. Sorry, I lost track of who's-

Can you just say something? Can you just say something? Well, hold on, hold on. Sorry, I lost track of who's been using this as my book. Can you tell me who to fuck off? Well, I've, it was quoting someone. Great, now we're gonna have to put one of those adult little signs on the podcast, right? Oh, explicit, explicit. See, for the first time you fuck, you corny fuck butt. All right, fine.

Then I respectfully inform you that your days are at an end. The truce is over. Okay, well, fine, if the truce is over, aha, I found this statue of a deer. Yeah. And I totally know how to use it. I am gonna blast your butt with this powerful weapon. Yeah.

We all know how to use, right? Yeah. Maybe don't broadcast this ring. Yeah, you know the one the Dark Lord's been looking for. Well, I got it. Yeah. And as a psych out, you're gonna tell us how to use been looking for will I got it yeah, and I as a Psych out you're gonna tell us how to use it. We already know but that's how fucking conflict we totally know how but we don't think you know

Yes, wouldn't you be embarrassed if we If you Took the panel open Yeah, you totally turned out here. Let me show you. Okay here, let me just, just, just, ah! He had the weapon. I just, you know, you ever do that thing where you're literally like handing over a weapon and as you're doing it, you're like, oh, I should have done that. Wait a minute, it's on the list. What?

Do the thing where you're accidentally handing over a weapon. Oh, what, what? A fucking Arnie. I'll hit him with my obsidian arm. No, that's a regular arm. Get a regular arm now! Keep up. Damn it.

Joy-bees, attack. Oh, you're just making him happy. Oh, happy? Oh, it is so good to see y'all. Yeah, my joy-bees retreat. Well, I'm here to tell you all. We are here to tell you all, James. We are here to tell you all.

That the Dark Lord has confirmed that the void has been destroyed. Oh, was it still? I don't, that's not at my payback. Okay, so that one's circled a little. But regardless, this weapon was all we were waiting for. The void was a minor concern. I'm sure the Dark Lord would have found some solution no matter what happened I'm certain

Corneous Fuck just corneous little balls stuck behind his corneous Oh my god, they are Right now so corny I have chump ass fuck the pen OOpe the greatest weapon in all of food you are holding it so weird Nobody holds it like that How many literally no one is held this forever? She is so weird. Nobody holds it like that. How many, literally no one has held this forever. She is right there.

Just hold it by the bottom. Stop it. Sort of dangling it by the antlers. That's not as close to me as sideways. Yeah, it doesn't look cool. It's not effective. Now, I feel like I'm worshipping it now. Well, you just don't quite have any hold in your head.

We are taking this weapon and we are using it to destroy Earth What when that's done this entire town will fall under our heel and we will move forward past this town past The Northeast check your notes. Yep, true. Actually. I'm wondering if you can edit that stammer out I'm gonna replay this later. Oh, I can't you know I don't have editing capabilities and All already do we have editing capabilities? I don't know probably

It's hard to tell you think the show'd be a lot shorter if we need so here it is This truce was just a ploy for us For you to find the weapon and now that we have it it's over That's a lot damn it. I know, it's over. That's awesome. Damn it, you're just... Earth, I know, and it's our fault for being so effective. We found the weapon. You have not been effective. And victim of your own success on it.

Now, first my husband goes up and then Apple, Sarah and her new husband are all gonna die. And we hold. That's terrible. What are new husbands? I just assumed. Don't worry, I'm just going to cast a big flyer ball right at the Baron. Gun up from the unlock. Head up, gun, Fiat.

Whoa, bounce right off that statue. Whoa. It's because of the pineapple for a book. Oh, I thought it was a pillow. It might have been the pineapple for a book. You know what? It's a little bit of both, because he was holding it in a boulder wave.

He hadn't been holding it like that. It wouldn't have done no good. This does feel right. This feels right. Yeah, now you're looking like a Baron. Well, you know what, Baron, I can't let you destroy Earth. Here's a knife. Why did I hand that over? Did you get a knife?

You know, he ever did say here's a knife and you put it handle first. I straight into his paw. I know. And he's still holding it wrong. You haven't been effective. You haven't been efficient. You haven't done anything in a timely manner.

That's not true. There's a mid-nors game next week right here in Hogsface. Oh! Maybe we should stay in Hogsface for a little bit. Maybe have a little break. You've been so grouchy. You have been snip-snaping at me for doing nothing more than laying on a lily pad. You know what? That I actually love this idea. First, we'll defeat you at Mittens, which of course I know you said, or you love so dearly. I do love Mittens, yeah. And we'll destroy your faith in the goodness of food

to finally see your team ground to dust by the dark lord. Can't you just enjoy something? Can you just go to the game and enjoy something? So close. I'm not a sports guy, so it doesn't want me that much. Was your dad a basketball coach? My dad is a basketball coach, but you know what? Everyone's into their own stuff.

And then, Arnie, we will destroy your work. And you know, you keep saying we, and I just want to remind everybody, I am just a neutral, taking notes, recording type, device, person, frog, being creature. Work is work. Work is work, you know, I get 10 sick days. The Dark Lord has a plan for this world, and we have wasted two years wondering whether or not you're some secret hero from it. And I think it's safe to say at this point you obviously are not. Wait, hold on, wait, wait, wait, that doesn't have to be fair.

Wait, are you saying that you think the three of us are some sort of assholes? I think you're three sorts of assholes. Oh. And for your information, you've wasted four years and two weeks. Where are you getting that number? From Excel. And you'll never destroy Earth. There are people there who are proficient in Excel.

And Excel is an excellent way to overcome evil. And they're the brave knights and warriors of medieval times. And the who I recruited, the fight for us, a nation standing in the... That's right, Bear, and the one mistake you made was letting me have this podcast, because I can mobilize everyone on Earth with a power of my voice in this podcast, and Earth will stop you. Earth will stop the Dark Lord, and this weapon, however, it works.

Oh, Arnie, I'm sure you've got a lot of listeners. In fact, we've been counting on. Because the way that... Oh, thank you. Jokes on you, we have one listener. And his name is Hank. I hope he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, Chant, I know all about all of the listeners.

Not only Hank, but Billy Yum Yum 2x2. Oh no. That's a real earth name. He really knows. And Arnie, the secret of the Penalope is that it produces... Why don't we write this down? A tone. It was a tone that the goddesses feared when they created Phoon, a frequency that could destroy a world. And we're going to use your podcast to destroy Earth. We will use the panelope and your podcast to destroy your world. Take it off the plate, allow the dark lord to focus on what's important,

remaking Foon in his own image. Is that why you kept trying to push us to up our listenership numbers this last couple years? Well, personally, I encouraged him because I think all, you know, people and creatures should kind of better themselves and hope for the best, but he kind of took it in a rain with it in a different direction. Well, of course, always curious, you know,

what your full potential is, but yes, that was the goal. Well, I've been talking to this Quince, and actually it's pretty hard to tell what kind of numbers you have exactly. Uh, they just listen to the sound of the streams and their streams. You know, different places will tell you different amounts of loops, and sometimes it will look like your listenership is going down, but it's not. You know, it's actually getting bigger. But I'll keep talking to this Quint, and we'll figure something out. But also, guys, with dynamic advertising, they could put that tone into our back catalog as well,

and anyone listening to any episode of the podcast could destroy Earth. Lots of people listen to the first few episodes. Yeah, we must save Earth, and we must protect food. We shall do anything we can to become the... And I accept your challenge! We shall defeat you! And a game of remittance! Uhhhhhhhhh next week!

Yeah, that's right! The game of Middens next week, which I am suddenly very invested in, uh, will be a good opportunity for us... to... to try to... escape. Yeah. It'll be... it'll be very distracting. It's like that's the end of the phone, this is not.

I'll be at the back of the stand. No, no, no, no, no. Go. Am I the typewriter here? Are you peeing them up? Yeah, I'm listening. I'm doing my job. Get off my nuts.

That's just a little figure. Now, wait, wait, wait, wait. Challenge accepted. Wonderful. We'll see you next week on the Mittens pitch. Don't hold the knife like that. It's so weird. It's so weird. It's so weird, right?

It feels great, and I'm not doing it. Your hand must be cut. You're bleeding down your arm! I'm just gangster like that. Oh, boy. When you say, uh, just, uh, It's got the luck. So if the Penelope produces a sound that can destroy worlds, what does Bernadette Peters do again?

I'll have to check my notes. Guzudildo Wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Widower was played by Adolfi. Spurt the Elder was played by Andy Carey. Watch Andy in seasons 1 and 2 of HBO's Emmy-winning comedy Barry. My brother-in-law is an insurance agent. Life's funny. Season 2 of Barry premieres March 31st. Oh good! We get HBO here in prison, except for the hardcore murderers. They get Hulu. Baron Ruguand was played by Chris Rathjinn. Listen to Chris'

long-running comedy podcast Improvised Star Trek, and you can hear another group of talented performers doing their best in the face of Mad Young. Squibbert The Talking Frog was played by Sarah Shaki. Her show, Marty and Sarah Love Wrestling, comes out every Thursday on the MLW Radio Network. Are you going to be at C2E2 in Chicago this weekend? The cast of Magic Tavern is on Saturday, sitting quietly at an autograph table at one, then playing some checkbox games together at three. For more info, go to hellofromthemagictavern.com, and click on the Live Shows tab.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacoba. This episode edited by Ryan DeGeorgie. Okay, most of Jail is waiting for the phone. I've got to go lead a creative writing workshop with the staff. I'm having them write essays on the theme, compare a flaw in yourself versus a flaw in the security system of this prison. Over and out. you