Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 1 - Seaside (w/ Justin McElroy)

Episode Date: July 22, 2019

A new adventure begins as Arnie, Usidore and Chunt meet a wooden figure come to life in a seaside tavern.Arnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungRodney the Figurehead: Justin McElroyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenVoice: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSea Shanty Theme: Arne ParrottSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Attention, people of Earth! The podcast you are about to hear should not be taken as evidence of the existence of alternate realities and dimensions. There is no such thing as cross-dimensional travel, and you can trust me on that because I'm communicating with you from outer space. Where in space? Don't worry about it. All you need to know is I'm a voice of authority, commanding, but with just a touch of the bad boys, Mama warned you about.

And as far as a hidden agenda to hide the existence of dangerous portals between dimensions, I don't have one. Now, let's put your unfounded and frankly unattractive doubt to one side and focus on some promotional business. Going to be an Indianapolis Friday, August 2nd? For Jen Khan, or maybe just a soak-in that sweet Indian apolis flavor, there are still tickets available for the two Magic Tavern live shows, that night at the Shrott Center for the Arts. The 8pm show is a Magic Tavern side quest, where the three hosts are presented with and subsequently finish a quest all in one episode.

Unprecedented. At 10pm, a completely different Magic Tavern show will include creatures from a magical land trying to understand and play the social deduction game Weirwolf. Sounds like a real shit show. For info and tickets to the two August 2nd shows in Indianapolis, go to HelloFromTheMagicTavern.com and click on the Live Shows tab, or screw all that and go directly to butlerartcenter.org. But now, Earth listener, swivel your ears towards the magical land of fune. But forget all that's come before,

because even though we're in a tavern, get this. It's a different one. Where three mysterious figures? Well, two mysterious figures and one overly performative figure. Enter. Curious if this place contains those allegiance to the Dark Lord. Ah, come, here we are, a traveller. It is here. There is a book passage north.

Use it or not. Are you sure it's safe here? Yeah, you should probably show them the coin. Ah, what are you not? Our safety isn? Yeah, you should probably show him the coin. Ah, what are you not? Our safety isn't sure it would they- See the coin. A good evening stranger! Does this coin mean anything to thee? Poor golf wizard.

Okay, maybe someone else? That was rude. Oh, maybe that, uh, wooden guy over there. Oh yes. Let's talk to the wooden gentleman. Fuck off wizard! Ha ha ha! Maybe that other wooden guy. Why is everyone telling me to fuck off?

Let's speak to the other wooden guy. Good evening, stranger. I approach thee now, hoping to find a port of solace here in a storm of evil. What be thy name, stranger? Oh, man, I'm Rodney Oh, man, I could I didn't want to interrupt man. Listen you talk like that. I'll fancy your mat, man Oh Rodney I must ask a boon of these Who will I'm glad you're enjoying it? John the coin right here. Oh, oh, do you have something behind your ear?

It's like, it's a coin. I pulled a coin out from behind your ear. Oh, shit. Yes. Yes. One more, one more again. One more again. Oh, here.

Do you have something behind your other ear? Oh, I have some nice things. Oh, my gosh, man. Oh, ha ha it's a symbol. A symbol. On my ears and how they are a little bit dirtier than I anticipated. Well, I don't reach up there, check it out, very often. I haven't had them the ability to do so.

Well, too long. Oh, yes. I'm so sorry, I know we've been going over this. I know this coin is a symbol of our secret order, but you just keep turning it into a close up magic trick. Well, I think I can fiasis just because you found a guy who's massively easily entertained, doesn't mean to draw it out, just get to the point of it. Okay, fine.

This mask over my face is itchy, I wanna pull it down. Fine, fine, fine. Arrantni, I must pull back the veil somewhat and let them know that these coins were not truly inside Dinear. In though I am a wizard of great power, capable of amazing magic! Oh, sir, sir, my pal man, Jesus. You said we don't know if it's safe here yet, but we'll try and be low-key, we're hiding. They're high-embeating low-key. We have masks over our mouths so people don't know who we are. Why is your mask over your mouth?

Wait, where's it supposed to be? Robney this coin on one side depicts an eye and on the other side depicts a Hand being held over a pair of lips. Well, it's a finger. A finger being held over a pair of lips. Like it's a whisper. We're like, it's silencing something. Like a silent, silent, I'll call it. Yeah, it's not a whisper, now.

It's a silent eye. Does that mean anything to you? A silent eye. Yeah, I mean, it means it means I mean I was listening That's what you're asking me. It's this a safe place. Right me a safe place from the dark lord. Oh Man, yeah, we've never seen that phone here. You're right. That's your concern. Okay. Oh Let's take these masks off. Oh, move this back down to my mouth. No, we come out here really no dark lords. I mean no good lords Either to be fair. It's sort of been

ignored by the deity folk, you know, then you are in luck for today. You stand before a master of light and shadow I love the fainting talk and you also stand before a shape shifter who's in a form of a badger and a giant egg That's get wow and you stand before a shapeshifter who's in a form of a badger and a giant egg. That's get wow! And you stand before a podcaster. Here let's clear some of this table. Let's sit down these my friends. I'm sorry excuse me. I'm sorry here.

I'll give you another drink. Flangol could skip me over. I will clear a little spice for you here. Yes Rodney, I notice you move rather slowly. Yeah, my animal, I'm a figurehead. Well, I was a figurehead and I may wish, and I got aminated animated. Dammit.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, damn it. Rodney, hold on. No, Rodney, this is perfect. Hold that thought. We are going to begin our podcast, and you shall be our first guest of season three We have not a figure head on the podcast yet. Okay, everyone's got your microphones in front of you quick My chest. Well, yeah, I mean they're longer than usual. Oh far longer than they need be quick mic check Bing bong. Oh, yeah, baby test one two use the word please

I am you said oh. How's that? Good. Good. And I, you know, I always set my own levels perfectly. Rodney, do you mind? This is a microphone. This is just a magical device from my world. I'll be in Salt Lake.

I know what a microphone is. Jesus. People come out here and they think, I'm going to educate these hillbillies, teach them something, but we know about microphone. Oh, okay. What is it? What would you say it does?

What would I say it does? Yeah, I feel like a rocky talking. You know, rock, you can speak into and transmit audio to whoever holds the other end. Stone's a far space. Yeah. Yeah, it says it says it. Hold on, first of all, I'm so sorry to do this, Rodney.

I'm gonna call bullshit. No one says, I know what this is Why don't you now say what it is? Rodney, it's okay if you haven't seen a microphone before this is a piece of technology from another world Yeah, people usually do it. You could say it was an inversion of the usual why people say things for comedic effect This is a very serious pod. I'm just glad that we could draw attention to it. That's my thing. Thank you for mentioning that.

A lot of times people say stuff trying to be funny. And people don't take the time to really stop and slow down and explain what's funny about it. Oh well then you are in for a treat. But that is all we do. Take care for the hell right? Okay, got to do this part. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host, Arnie Neekham. If you've never listened to podcasts before, great. This is a great place to start. And I'm Arnie. And this is Rodney. As we begin a new adventure. Wait, we can do that. We can just chime in whenever.

You do that all the time. The same as a great place to start. So I just thought, damn it. I should start. If you've never listened to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago

into the magical land of fune. Somehow, I'm still getting a weak Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, which I used to upload a podcast to Earth, not just chronicling our quest to defeat the dark lord of this world, but a podcast that I believe will actually help us save the world of food. And you know, if this communication between worlds helps grow my own personal brand back on Earth,

all the better. And we're here at the Jagged Dagger, which is a, I guess, a sea-faring bar? Yeah, sea-side tavern. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm joined by my co-host at Chant the Talking Badger. Hello, I'm Chant the Talking Badger. A shapeshifter fuck you got me.

And this is my giant egg, eggy baby, which is a result of my brief marriage. And I'm also joined by my other co-host. I am Yusadowah, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Minimulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great power that if I were to utter them allowed Then stone would become pebble and pebble would become dust. Oh You said though. Okay, man. Oh, all right. I've heard you Makes a lot more sense. I've never heard you refer to as used or that clears you up or out the ocean everybody calls you to if to if oh yes, oh, you're known as you're known as to if I see and that's what everybody out there calls you so I was

just confused and call yourself to if I've done your to if I would have been a lot more chill so right here now that we're on land we're seaside but on land should we call you one of? Yes on land I've known as one if on sea I've known as two if. But either way Rodney you would say use the doors revered. This is my fault. I wish more of our guests would say that. This is raffle. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what's all about. You're doing great, Rodney. You're doing great. How would you, for the listeners, to sort of paint a mental picture, how would you describe yourself? The neighborhood kids call me adult panochio,

which is heartful, if accurate, you know, sort of a large, a man-shaped block of wood, intricately carved, anatomically pricked. But I'm still, I'm not super well animated, so I'm, it is a little bit of a struggle for me to get from my A to B. Still working on some of the kinks as it were. And I intend to stand that you started your life as a figurehead upon a ship. Is that what you said?

That's right. Good, good, might be 20, 20 summers out there. Just the head of a ship. You said you made a wish? Yeah, I made a wish on a beautiful star. I didn't know that I could have something of my very own, you know, and I just wanted to be able to live my own life and not be just, you know, on the prowl all the time. You know what I'm saying?

I don't know. Let me know that when you wish upon a star that you turn into a ambulatory wooden statue. Yeah, I mean, that was certainly my journey. Rodney, can I ask you, are you paying this wish to become a, I guess, a real man? What was the wish for you? Exactly. Well, I'm so sorry, you yourself referred to you as a man shaped block of wood. Right.

What was the wish? Like, did you word it properly? You know, I probably not. As a figurehead, I've complicated new aunt's thoughts. You gotta be careful with which this is going. I just said, life. Because that's all I could, I was just a wood. I was just a mighty wood.

Then I didn't have a lot of new long-term adjectives or evening prepositions to speak of, just, life. I think that's very impressive. To even utter the word life as a static wooden figure is quite impressive. Yeah, it took me a long time to piece it all together. People don't talk about life and existence very much on a boat, right?

So I heard waves have figured that out pretty quickly. Rain, rain is just falling waves. Rain's tiny waves. It's all from the sky. Tiny sky waves, Tiny sky waves. There you go, mate. Whichever you're a sailor. Oh, I am no sailor.

But I have spent many years upon the oceans traveling from one land to the other, learning all the secrets of food. And, you know, we are here hoping to book passage on a ship. But Ronnie, I'm more interested in learning about you. What was life like as a figurehead? Arnie, don't say a life like. It's really to someone who's been.

What was wood like as a figurehead? Well, talk about your wood. Talk about my wood. Well, you know, there's not much to look at. Usually waves, which is like ocean rain. There's usually waves. There's the bottom of the jibum. The jibum?

The bottom of the jibum. Bottom of the jibum and right next to the boat sprint. Come on. I'm sure. There's some boat hots. This boat's my... I don't know what to tell you. I don't have a lot of topics I can discuss flu it like

so far. It's limited to this table and boats. All right, so bear with me. Ronnie, at some point we need to, user and I have a spin-off podcast called Get Nuts. At some point we need to have you on a new show called This Is Boats because this is just fascinating. Learning of the vernacular and yeah. Yeah, going into it.

One of the few things that I feel myself pretty knowledge-boying, it can get scary. There's moments where like they're headed for, what's the not water land? Thank you, Jesus. Yeah, sometimes they're headed for that. And as a figure head, you know I think a lot of times like if these idiots wreck it's me first

You know like they might get as far as me and think like all thank God will be stopped in time and meanwhile I'm like well fuck you guys because I was like ran face first into it. I have zero control Is it the realing terrifying experience pulling up to land every time? Because I'm never sure if they're gonna stop or not. And I've got to imagine like, you can't look behind you. You don't even know who these people are that are steering you. That's right, there's one loud dude

who would just grow out, top of his lungs. He sounded like a bear. But I don't, I called him bear in my head, but he was sort of the boss. And then there's other people who would kind of talk back to him and just be like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, one time there was like a little boy who would fly. They said, like, get down here. Get down here, get down here. I'm a little boy, get down here.

Stop flying, which seemed insane to me, because I don't know. A little flying boy, a little flying boy. That was cool. He came by for a little bit, and then he took off the interesting girl they stole. There was a drunken captain on there for a little while. and then he took off interest. The girl they stole. There was a drunken cap on there for a little while. He kind of had an accent.

He talked off funny, but he was sort of like, I, I, it's all right. I know different things about the scene, stuff, and I'm kind of a skeleton sometimes, or it. And he had like, wow. Yeah, that was cool. He was there for a little bit.

He tried to steal me, but then they got me back. It's a whole thing. Well, that's wonderful. But now that you're wishes. I saw a whale once. What? Yeah, a giant one. Big white one, kick ass, white whale.

Captain went on crazy about that for a few days. That was a whole thing. Was it the winged whale? The famous ship built on the back of a whale, the flies? No, it's just like a regular whale. I mean, that sounds cool. I wish it had been that. There is a part of me that feels compelled to sort of go along with what you're saying. Oh, you've never listened to this podcast then. That's something we ultimately do not do. I have. You got me there, man.

Hey, can I ask you, Ronnie, when we walked into the jagged dagger, you're at the bar and I saw several men smash bottles on you. Are you, is everything okay? Were you in a bar for it? kind of like a hazing. Oh, but yeah, for good luck. They's good luck for them, hazing for me, because I get all sticky or in a little drunk, which is cool. And your wood seems to be a little salt withered. Yeah, I mean, I try to re-varnish that's kind of rich. Can I say it's a little

rude though. I don't say like your fur is mad and with the many days of travel. I don't know. It is shit about it. It's blonde. It's better probably. You probably look better before I. Yeah that's fair to say. Yeah I've started this out of a fucking boat for 20 years brother. See how you're doing then. Run air apologize I'm sorry. Hey, it's all right, Bill and Bridges, man, it's what's all about. Well, now that your wishes come true, Rodney,

how do you spend your days? Are you still working as a figurehead? Is that your day job? But you just tie yourself to a ship? What do you have other things to take up your time? I mean, I hadn't thought about that. It doesn't exactly. That's not like a first-order business or anything

to get right to the fuck back on the front of the shampo. Honestly. I kind of ended up enjoying my freedom. I might go back and get a little more education. A lot of that. Yeah. Math. I'd love to learn about.

Oh, great. That seems wild. Then you should go to the University of Phoenix. Well, I'd love to learn about. Oh, great, that seems wild. Then you should go to the University of Phoenix, where I teach math as my alternate form, Susan Doku. I love it, we get like this. I got used to it at first, I first did scared me because I've only heard the cat and yell, and that could mean anything.

So, but I'm loving this guy's havin'. Rodney, am I understanding correctly that you have just very recently gained life? I have no sense of time. So, right, yeah, it doesn't seem like a long time. How long do you think we've been sitting here, Rodney? If you had to guess. Sometimes.

All right, what's it? When you can't see here a lot of things I can't see a lot of things. I see a lot of things and then later you can Uh memory remember? No, no No, thank you. Yes. Yes. So it's been eight of them eight nights eight nights. Yes, a crazy listen to me. Look, I said like a fancy college professor. Eight nights.

He really don't like a historian. No, he really don't. I should not. Arnie, I'm so confused why he knows the word jibun, but he doesn't know night. Where I don't know. Does he only know boat words? But wouldn't land like land hoe, wouldn't that be a boat term or like knight? To you know.

How dare you. Sailor's delight. Yes, how dare you, John? Be more respectful. Bo-Layne! I'm yelling at both of you. Check your privilege right now. You don't know what it's like to be a figurehead on a ship. And this Rodney has just had eight days to become a custom to the life that we have always taken for granted.

Well, you said it ought to be fair. I think he thinks that we've been doing this episode for eight days. I don't blame him. So you start off on a ship. Do you have a ship here at Port? Because we need to get on a ship. I have an X ship. Oh, an X ship?

Yeah, the ship. You broke up? My self-free, I'm sorry. Oh, you X-ship? Yeah, the ship, you broke up. My self-free, I'm finally. Oh, you shipped yourself. It happens. Yeah. Yeah. Rodney, when you made your wish for life

and you gained life, did you just immediately separate from the ship in that moment? I, it was a, luckily we were in port. So I did just kind of like, like, kind of like, schluff off. Like so much dead skin and clatter to the deck.

Uh, the, well, it's not a deck. Oh, man, it not water. It's got green stuff. Land. Land, thank you. Jesus. Man, that one. That's a tricky one, man You guys just throw it out there like nobody's business, but I think you take for granted

Here, Rodney I'm gonna take this scroll and this quill and I'm just gonna write down the word land L-A-N-D-E And I am going to give it to you and if you keep because this seems to be a word that you have trouble with I'll just look at these squiggles. Yeah, he doesn't hear it or know how to write or be. Thank you. Yes, too.

Thank you. Yeah, it's all right, though. That's right. That's right, brother. I have a perfect way for you to remember this. This is called a pneumonic device. So what's the word that you screamed into the night sky to bring yourself into sentience?

Life. Life, right. So how many letters is that? Keaton. Why are you kidding me? I don't know the numbers. I don't know the details. It's four letters.

It's four letters. So it starts with L. Now L. I know what? I would take the gas smash in champagne, oh my god. Honestly, I would, I would prefer that at this point. Rodney, please forgive my friends. They are doing their best to help you,

but they don't understand what it is that your experience is. Whereas I am aware of what happens to figureheads. Often this is not an uncommon occurrence where a figurehead screams out the word life and comes a sentient bean, but usually they are in the middle of the ocean and they just fall into the ocean and drown to death. This is the first one I've seen that's made it to land. Well, my timing was good I will say that but honestly I hate to say it But I would have prefer getting chunked in the seed and spending another day was Stephanie so

Tell us about Stephanie is Stephanie your ex ship. Yeah, she's the ship man Stephanie my ex ship. Yeah, she's the ship, man. Stephanie. My ex, ship that I was attached to, day and night and night and day, always there, you know, I was putting in all the different days and nights and I'd night and day and, you know, that's what I call it, nights, days, who even can keep track of what those mean or how many of them there was, but there's a lot of them. And I was, I would, you know, scare away the dark spirits with my, my grizzly exterior. I provide a, you know, a proud symbol of the, the different people on the ship could like look at and be inspired by that's terrible, you know, my terrible vision.

And Stephanie never appreciated that. You know, she just sat there motionless. Well, Rodney, there are plenty of fish. There are plenty of fish, that's right. That's true. Lots of fish. That are almost everywhere. Yeah, eat up.

Oh, there's a big on all this fish. Yeah, yeah. God, I haven't tried eating yet. I don't know. I'm surprised to say that you think of yourself as having a horrible visage. Robney, you just look like a happy smile in woodboy to me. Yeah, that's because I got defrosted, man.

This is what I used to look like. Oh, my goodness. Pretty cool, right? That is a terrible visage. You're scared. Wait, why is it now okay to talk about his appearance? Well, he was showing us how loud the conversation is. Oh, shit.

This is on my terms. Yes. Rodin, did you say you've never tried eating before? It is correct, I'm not even really sure. Yeah. Is it weird if we watch you eat while we go to break? No, go. I mean, not any more or less, we did anything else.

The past few minutes, I would say. Well, let me go to the bar. I will get around to drinks. What do you want to drink? Have you tried drinking before? Yeah, the things I know about, to have salt water. Yeah, I'm sure they do.

All right. Is that a good one to start with, or are you guys your experts here? I think salt water is probably good for you. I'm going to have a delicious golden ale and some ducks next. So lots of living people like to drink salt water. Cool, all right. Well, thanks guys.

Arnie, where can I get you? I'll have some dry salt in my arnie. It's apparently a thing. How do you don't be rude? Okay, I have some arie. I mean, don't be rude. I can't think of some air. All right. I should be needed saltwater to stay alive. Let's all have some saltwater.

I'm going to grab some saltwater and we'll be right back with more. Hello from this seaside town. Saltwater for everyone. We know what Taffy. All right, we're back. We're back and we are covered in the contents we previously ate because of that salt water. Yeah. Oh, I don't like this.

How was your salt water, honey? You know what, at first I just gargled it and it felt like it was good. It sort of like washed out any cuts inside my mouth of which there were many. But then I started swallowing some and it didn't go well. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. I have to drink certain amount of saltwater every week to keep all of the fish in my intestines alive.

Yeah, fish in your intestines. Yes? Arne, do you know that fish in your intestines? I mean, not that I know of. Where else would they live in my hat? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha God do your own thing. And so do you, Rodney. What do you think is going to make you happy in the future? Oh, my salt water was great. Thanks, y'all.

First thing I've ever embodied. Oh my goodness, man. You know the word it died, but you don't know land. Yeah, I've been looking up a lot of different words during the break trying to educate myself. How have you been looking them up? Listen to this one. I came up with this.

Ask me how my salt water was. How was your salt water? It was great, but I've always enjoyed sailing because I'm a figurehead. That's a good joke. I had the joke ready in case someone were to ask me what a thought of the first batch I ever consumed. The parent late, different podcasts would be more interested in that. Salt and water is a sailing solution and sailing is what boats do. Yeah, that is some nuanced wordplay for some of the doesn't know the word lane. Team, you are getting explaining jokes.

We like to dissect the frog here. Yes, sir. That old comedy term. You know old comedy terms? To dissect the frogs my first, but I'm planning on learning a lot more. Do you know Vodville? Oddville.

Oh, yeah. Chump, do you know Vodville? Vodville. No, yeah. Chump, do you know Vodville? Yeah, so I might say, what are, you know, sailors these days have crazy names. You wouldn't believe some of the names these sailors have. Like the bartender's name was PyRite. PyRite? Well, no, this is cake, but I can get you some.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, I don't get it. He was a fake pirate. So you don't know Vodville, huh? Rodney, I have to ask. There you are. Well, I want to ask. I should rephrase. You didn't know anything about the silent eye, which is what we were told to tell people

we were a part of. But we do need safe passage elsewhere in Fune. Can we use your boat to sail to another part of Fune? All right. Well, I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of Stephanie. She does have agency though. I'm not gonna like loan her out to people. Oh, no, no, no, but she's still about. Is she a sentient boat?

Is she like, have a conscious? Is she just a boat? That sounds rude. She's about, like, what are you making? She's about. It's so hard to ask. Yeah, I hope because people just always talk about boats like they are women and like they have a relationship

with them, but I don't know if that's like magically like a, is she a talking boat? Does she have a crew? Is there a crew or is she just, where you just are? There is a crew, yeah, yeah, but she's kind of a boss. You know, like, she's like running things like the captain gives orders but she doesn't want to follow she don't you know she's her own woman that's one of the things that they miss about Stephanie she's her own woman who's a boat she's her own boat. They still seem like

things people would say about a boat. Rodney Rodney could you introduce us to Stephanie and maybe we could speak to her about whether or not she would like to give us a ride Face down As soon as it too soon for us to How she's gonna be like where did we go wrong? What did I say? Why did you make a wish that you would become ambivalent to orange love off my hall like so much dead skin onto the

where did you pick up that phrase because I feel like it's the same phrase every time. What is it? Shelf off this boat like so I remember that from when I said it earlier. I loved it. So I just decided to say. Oh, oh, oh, Roddy, Roddy, Roddy, buddy, buddy, pal. The opposite of water. Remember earlier when you said that word, the four little So I just decided some assumptions here. And I can't fly. So I'm not exactly like a kid,

but I mean, I don't understand a lot of stuff. So I mean, I'm lame. Was the flying child you saw earlier? Was it half human, half goat? Sorry. Oh yeah, yeah. Hold on one second. Let me try to answer you, dude.

It looks way to fives into the thing you're saying. Oh hell yeah. Yeah, I call myself Peter Pan. Can I ask what city we're in? Does anybody know what's in there? Brian missed. Brian missed. OK.

Did you say that earlier? Nope. OK. You're in the Brian missed. You're picking that up well. I just heard him say it. I don't want to get all braggie. Do you know what that's short for? You're in the, uh, bruh, bruh, bruh, I missed. You're picking that up well, bruh, no? I just heard him say it. I don't want to get all braggie.

Do you know what that's short for? No. Braggadocious. Oh, my, my, my, my, this is the you. Like a coin? Like a beautiful coin. The bike's a little. Braggadocious.

Unnutely animated block of wood, and we keep trying to teach it language, right? Oh, you're right, we should teach it morals. Yeah, right, we have to teach you good. Oh, you're right. We should teach it morals. Yeah, right. We have to teach you good and evil. We have to give you a show. Like every way you just pick a pick like a newly sentient life form.

No, that's more of a, everything has a live thing, which I've heard is very good. No, you're right, every week we peak. Ha, ha, ha. You don't help boats will have a compass. We're gonna give you a moral compass. So this will help you decide what to do that's right and what's wrong. I love this first of all Never commit murder unless someone is evil and then murder them

So you all would say you've never murdered anyone that did deserve it I mean there's an accidental murder. I'm you were speaking in Elvish, since my baby left me as an edelfish. What is it Elvish for? What everybody's asking? I don't know. Rodney, let's, why don't we get out of the jagged dagger and let's, can we go near the boat,

just near Stephanie, so maybe you can, you know, gaze upon her seat, there's might be a reconciliation in the future or at least maybe introduce us and we can put in a good word for you No, Ronnie, Ronnie, let me sweeten the deal somewhat. Yeah, if You do accompany us and then you're in an awkward situation. I understand that you're not particularly in an awkward situation. I understand that you're not particularly ambulatory, so I can help you permeate faster with my magic, and you will be able to run. Run as fast as a gazelle. Do you know what a gazelle is, Rodney? Or what perambulate means? Do you know what a gazelle is? I want to be faster than a gazelle, though. That done? Done? Alright, man, absolutely.

Alright, let's do it. right, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it. Everyone just follow me. Can I just like carry him? Wait, are you gonna put a spell on him or something? Yeah, y'all can, oh gosh. See that potato sack on the wall? Just kind of lay it on the ground

and then lay me down on it and then drag me on the sack. All right, here we go. Yeah, like moving a hutch. Like moving, I'll take your heart forward. I'll look this turn to a sack drag. Look, Rodney, thank you so much. I know that you're a little nervous about confronting

or consensus. Flower. God damn. I can't make a move. Send chip there, you're shit. I know you're nervous about talking Just starting this is a circle but my priest friend Reverend Jim already did this one on me So I'm not ever a little nerd to it

Which one which one Oh, here. Oh set him back up set him back up like the gravel. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Well here. This is even better than a potato sack I shall summon a cloud General view drift towards the docks Hold off when you're way way way up. Is he driftwood? Are you driftwood? Can you float bro? Can you float? I know you know what now that I'm thinking about it It probably would have been a floating wood that I was constructed of, yes.

Oh, good, good, good. I was not cognizant of that part. Do you remember any of your construction? Like what's your first memory? Just at first it's like a lot of, it's like a blur of water and sunlight and the opposite one remind me. Darkness. Thank you. That could be a memory of anyone's birth.

I remember singing some like shanties they call them. Different tins. That kind of stuff. It's kind of a blur until I have real sentience, which is a blessing honestly because I feel like now I'm claustrophobic. And if I had realized that why I had been on the front of the boat sort of stuck there and able to move, I think I want to flip my vein a little bit, you know. That is understandable. Are you guys having beans? Sailors are crazy about them. Yeah we know beans. Yes beans are

wonderful. Full of protein. I'm trying to use that frame of reference for things I've ingested. Beans are like little tiny squishy balls of saltwater. Good to know about it. So you haven't just had beans? No no but that's how the sailors like I looked at it myself. Yeah okay. Sometimes And sometimes I throw him over the edge for bellicums. I feel so good. Look, John, he's consumed one thing ever, salt water. So he's going to use that as the lens through which he uses metaphors for everything.

It's sort of like people who just started CrossFit. Crop, Kill and Toth, draw, clop. Here, I have some to small cloud. Put the potato sack on top of the cloud, and then put Rodney on top of the potato sack. Oh yeah! See you can lay on clouds? See I heard the guys argued about this.

One guy said you can totally lay on them, and everybody else is like, that's impossible. Nothing is impossible for two if! Very powerful, I love it. Look over there, there's a band singing a chanting. Oh! I'm just singing seven dragons in a baby.

Run you in a stop and listen to this summer chanting? Yes. And. What a beautiful song. I put a little silver in their hat. Don't, don't, Chuck, that's your silent eye coin. That's the way people know we're part of the order of the silent eye. I'm sorry.

All of that has not been useful for anyone to know that we're part of the silent eye. Okay, fine, I'll keep it. Now, it looks like an asshole. Yeah. Now, which one is Stephanie, Rodney? Um... Is it the one without a figurehead? Yep.

Oh, good call. Oh, good, man. And is that with an F or a pH? That is with a pH, yeah. Oh, my look at her. Ah, she's beautiful. Quite a boat. Quite a boat, man.

Some boat. So, Rodney, I don't know if you know much about Fun, but the Dark Lord has taken over much of the land and we're on a diplomatic mission to build up an army to fight the Dark Lord, and we need passage on this boat for that and another secret mission to defeat the Dark Lord,

which I don't know why I'm bringing it up because I'm not gonna tell you what it is. I don't know, you mustn't. Yeah. Let's just leave it. We're on a mission from God. This is, wow. Has that something? Yeah.

Very impressive, honestly. Oh, thank you. That's the end, that's all I want to say. Thank you so much, Rodney. Thank you. That's the end. You learned super, you're learning, I don't know anything. I know, I've literally no context for anything you just said,

but it sounded like really kick ass. Oh, thank you. Where'd you pick up the term kick ass? And earlier you said fuck ya. Yeah, you know what? You know who loves to curse it turns out sailors. Yeah, that checks out. Yeah, that tracks it.

Is there any curse terms that sailors know that a normal person would not? I can't say I'm man, the cat when he gets so mad. All right. Sometimes when he get real pissed off, he'd say, oh, dude, Buggies. Look, I don't doin' Buggies, I'm a good, oh, dude, Buggies. Dude, I have a dude, Buggies. I have a dude.

That's just disgusting. That just sounds disgusting. It sounds profound. It doesn't even look, I always had some saltwater to wash that one, man. So, dude, Buggies is a sailor curse? Dude, Buggies, like that. You gotta say it angry, it doesn't make any sense

if you say it all chill and calm and boring. That's right, think about a sailor. A sailor lives on the ocean all their days attempting to keep their food fresh while they travel from one place to the other. What could be the bane of a sailor? A bug that lives in the sand. It's the exact opposite of everything they like. Okay, I'm sorry I said, it's just meant that sort of... Dude! It sort of sounded like a made up curse, but what the frack do I know? Stephanie, hey Stephanie.

He's not the both of my turn. Can Stephanie talk like you do, Robby? Or do you communicate in a different way? I can talk, I mean, she'll listen to me if I talk to her as, let me up, I'll be your orman. Let me help you out with this, I'll be, I got it, I got it, I got it. She's Christ. Let me help you out with this. I'll be I got a surprise. Alright if I do this you guys promise you're not gonna make me come

right because I can't afford to do this every week. We won't make you come. We promise we won't make you come. How about for just one week? Alright. Hello? Hello? I'm looking for my boat. Wait, okay. Guys, I don't think he's confident that this is the right boat. This is where it has to happen. This is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me, Stephanie. How about that?

You know, this used to be my speciality. I was good. I was good in a peer. It sent me out there and I do it alone. And now I just, tonight's Stephanie, our little project, our company, had a very big night, a very, very big night. But it wasn't complete.

It wasn't barely close to being at the same percentage. Rodney, I think it was complete. I think the boat kind of turned when you said hello. Because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice or laugh about it with you. I've missed... I mean, those are just waves. I miss my boat.

Rodney. Boats are always moving. We live in a cynical world and we work in a business of tough competitors, man. I think he had a little. How is Stephanie? You, how does he know the word, sin? Complete me. I think this is just a block of wood screaming at a boat.

I don't. Like, Arnie, thanks for the boat. He's a screaming at a boat. This is a block of wood floating on a cloud screaming at a boat. Rodney a block of wood. Flaming on a cloud, screaming at a boat. Rodney, if you regret your wish, I can make you part of this boat again. Does he just have to go, death. Wait, I think he's talking to Steph.

Oh, I know they're seeing me, but yeah. Rodney, what's Steph been saying? God, that's so you. What's up, Badger, man? What's Steph been saying? What's all the whole blue? Ah, what's, what's, what's all the, what's all the whole blue? Ah, she's not sure about y'all,

and I'm trying to vouch for you, but this is fucking classic, Stephanie. No, I'm not for like, um, I've known him for 30 nights, probably about 39 or so. He does. He feels like it. He's not the, that's right, right? That's right.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, not day also You said art John. I just realized something Maybe we should approach anyone that works on this ship because even if this works out Are we just gonna get on the ship and be like oh? I mean you like cast off. Yeah, no worries about that partner. I mean, I can get you in with her But you are gonna be talking I mean, I can get you in with her, but you are gonna need to probably talk to him. I think he would be in some other... Is that bear still the captain?

Yeah, the bear. Yeah, the huge bear. He's asleep there. See how he's all curled up? It is gonna be probably sprigged before he gets cranking again. So you got a little while to work up your pattern stuff. Oh, yeah, he's hibernating. He's sleeping. You can see that he to work up your pattern stuff. Oh good. Yeah, he's hibernating, he's sleeping,

you can see that he's plugged up his butt. Maybe we should just look for another boat. Yeah, she is perilous and barely see where they are. That's why I got off with it. Honestly, my personal safety wasn't safe. Oh, so you did come? So long, man. You said you got off when you did.

So long, man. We're all friends here. I've only been alive for eight days. You're like the nights through 11 people that I've met, right? And you're not people. So you're a wizard or wizard people? No. Right on.

Respect the journey, man. I hear it. Thank you. Rodney, would you like to join our quest? What is our quest right now? Together on this diplomatic mission, we shall put together a conspiracy of fighters and lovers who wish to underhandedly throughout a network of goodness. Lovers. Fight the Dark Lord. Yes, for he's not just about the fight, Arnie.

It isn't about Arnie storming some castle. It's about us all working together to find a better way for everyone in Fune to live. We're just gonna get a bunch of lovers. We're just gonna anyone who wants to help can help. That's all I'm saying. You, you will fight the Dark Lord. You guys keep going to love her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, one and a half times as fast as they would normally tell it. Oh, they might be even twice as fast as I would normally tell it. They would normally tell it. But then you don't get the nuance of our story. You know, you don't get to learn. I feel like I got it, you know, pretty quickly.

And this whole thing, and then we just kept on kind of, this is where I might be reaching for my friend to tell to skip a head 30 seconds. You know what I mean? Because I like, I got it. I got it. Well, not this season, the seasons, there's gonna be a lot of surprises.

We're gonna be all over the place. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, absolutely. And I love it. And I fully believe that that will be the course of events and how, how would rival. But I can still go ahead and get my buddy to crank through it

at one and a half to two times as fast as he normally would. I really count the tail. Well, Ronnie, then that's where we part ways. You've insulted us. Oh, man. Oh no. Well, God, you guys have been such good friends. Remember with the first drink I ever had in my life

was saltwater. That was a minute to go, Rodney. Nights ago, I know. Well, Rodney, it's been to go ahead, Nick. Nice to go. I know. Well, Rodney, it's been a brief time, but I do appreciate you, and I do consider you a friend. And I, we're going to get on this boat now, and I'm sorry that we dragged you out of the tavern and seaside, and so you're probably just going to have

to slowly work your way back. All right, promise me one thing. If you're going gonna climb aboard Stephanie, don't say it like that. I know there's really not a nice way of saying it. It's weird that people do like to recite a five boats as ladies so frequently, because it makes it all very weird in math.

I'm just saying it now, I've been talked a lot. Saying it now, it's terrible though. It takes me to hell. But anyway, if you're getting converse after it, just promise me you're gonna be real careful, where you step. A lot of the deck is unsound. Now I want y'all to, you know, go flying through and on the beautiful briny, you know.

Running your helping us walk through a field of danger. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I just want you to be able to I mean, you're showing us a lot of respect by doing that. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Look, he's he's just a day's ready to go back to school. So just eight nights. We got a Twinkle Twinkle little star references. I'll go wild for it. Farajaka. That's where I'm at, my friend. Rodney, I do want to say I'm so thrilled that earlier, you said that you didn't like that boats were, you know, referred to as retreated like women because that's going to take you straight to hell, which means you have a moral compass now.

Oh, man. You guys really helped me to grow and change. This season is go places. You're right. Because we have had a lot of forward momentum just in the stop. You're all going to go back into that every now or. No, it's a story. We want to, but I'm thinking we should get on this boat and sail elsewhere

We're getting on this boat. We're going to sail north We're going to build up an army and we're on our secret mission to defeat the Dark Lord So the title's more symbolic The title yeah, we just yeah, are we yeah, we're gonna change the title a lot of fucking taverns out there No, it should be something about high adventure. High adventure from the Magic Tavern? Well, you have to change the wrong one. We have to lose the from the Magic Tavern part.

That's the only part. That's the only one, guys. If we can reconstruct the Magic Tavern on a boat, then we can still title that. And I doubt people even know that part. I hear Magic Castle, welcome to the magic castle. Also, people are like, I'm a big fan. I love howdy from that fantastical pub.

And it's like, you're not a fan. Stephanie does have a saloon. I don't know that helps. Oh. Can you imagine? What do you mean, can I imagine? It's part of where I told you. I'm sorry, I'm talking to my compatriots here.

Oh, right, I'm sorry, man. talking to my compatriots here. Oh, right on, sorry man. Rodney, as my parting gift to you, I am going to take this jewel, this shiny, beautiful jeated rock, and place it directly in your forehead, and it shall give you the power of fast perambulation. The Soul Stone? Oh man, look at me go! Look at you move around, you're so The soul stone? Oh man, look at me go. Look at you move around.

You're so fast now. Oh man. He's testing the gazebo. He's going like double speed. I want to go out. Watch out fast. I can get to the water, guys. Oh, Rodney! I gotta say, this is high status, enough guess we don't wanna kill him.

I'm fine, go on the horse. Thank God. Thank God, this is, thank God, this is. Alright, Rodney, good luck. Guys, let's just run on the boat and find a place to kind of... Let's see, well, Stephanie, is it okay if we sail on this boat?

There's work like that. I told you Got it. I'm sorry, but it's not just sleep up Oh, this is nice though. Yeah, we're not gonna full on mission to zix this I don't think well what never mind You gotta just hide out in the saloon man. Nobody ever goes down there. Okay saloon on a ship is like a Just hide out in the saloon man, nobody ever goes down there. Okay. Saloon on a ship is like a social place, but all the bears are gonna be sleeping once they head out. Nobody's gonna be in the saloon, just hide out there. Thank you, Rodney, you've been a wonderful, hard...

All right, back in. Whoa, no. Goodbye, Robney. Thank you for everything. And I don't care what Arnie says. I could definitely tell your voice apart from chest trunk barns. I was out of wood, dang. Shunt, you think?

I do think all wood sounds the same. Let's just get on the ship. Let's get going. We spent years not moving and now we're getting on the boat. Oh, true chest board. I don't know. I can't. Just check the wiki later.

We're doing it. Finally we're about to set sail upon the open seas. Going from town to town, tavern to tavern, castle to castle. Let's just take a minute to soak in the soundscape. What's that? What a different soundscape. This is kind of sounds you wouldn't hear in the tavern, the Vrnilian Minotaur. This is tangible proof that we're doing something. Yeah. Very well! Now we shall head north to Velzmir, to build our Arny against the Dark Lord and defeat him once and for all. Finally, my quest realized, and the silent eye shall control it all.

Why is it not the whispering eye shall control it all. Why is it not the whispering eye? We googled it. Hey, excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt. I just wanted to say we're all excited to be working with you. Cool, cool. Well, you did interrupt, so goal not accomplished. I was about to record the closing credits now, but I am gracious enough to pause for compliments. Also, I thought you did a great job with the intro. Yeah, it's a bit of a tightrope to perfectly thread that needle of tricking the listeners on Earth into thinking this as a fictional podcast, while also keeping my superiors at the space bunker high command from suspecting I'm on, well, from my true location.

I don't understand most of that. No, considering where you're from, let's be proud you've kept so many fingers out of your mouth for this long. In the meantime, I should get back to making up fake end credits. Let's see. Use it all the wizard was played by... What sounds boring. Matt Young. Choked the shapeshifter was played by...

What sounds like a Norwegian snake? Adil Raphai. Rodney the animated figurehead was played by special guest Justin McElroy. From the podcasts, my brother, my brother, and me, the adventure zone, Saul Bones. Let's see. Ugh, there's a lot of them. Go to McElroy.Family to learn about the rest. They're great, and you should listen to them. I'm just not going to list them all, because I don't want to. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arneany Camp, Matt Young, and Adel Refyre. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Great job. Why would you think that was the last line? All my years doing this has Schultz ever been the closer and could you turn off that ambience sound? If I hear any more white noise, I'm gonna open a spa. Oh, sure thing. It doesn't sound like the space bunker at all. We have this pinging thing that shielded us

from stray meteorites, and that sounds like Tom York's cat walking across the mixing board. Anyway, I'm almost done and then we can take off until next week. What if they transmit a scene after the credits? Oh, the computer will tack it on at the end. Honestly, it's best not to listen to any of this too closely. As I was saying, the hello from the Magic Tavern logo is by Auler LeBan. The theme song is by Andy Poland.

The Special C-Shanty music this episode is by Arnie Parrott. A different Arnie, believe it or not. To hear more of his music, check out his website atptunes.com. Special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Vague. Okay, that covers it for this week. I'm gonna head out to beat the traffic. Lock up everything, would you?

I'll be in late tomorrow. And stop worrying about an extra scene. Go the extra mile is in exactly the catchphrase around here. Nice talking over you. Hey guys I'm pissing sea water! You're doing it buddy! I guess we should find out if this boat is actually heading north which is where we're going to go. Oh right yeah direction. We don't want to go in a wrong direction.

Well that bear is the captain, right? But it's sleeping. Yeah, I'll go poke it. No, don't focus in the bear. I'm going to poke it, find out. Rodney, where's this boat going? All right, but you, man, if I just sleep, just turn that sucker on and crank it. Oh, they're going to steal this boat.

I just don't like the phrase, turn it on and crank it. You don't like that phrase. steal this boat. I just don't like the phrase turn it on the crank it. You don't like that phrase!