Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 10 - Tree Wench (w/ Rachel Bloom)

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

A walk through the forest leads to an encounter with a rare magical creature: a woman in a tree that's a fan of the podcast.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJessica the Tree Wench: Rachel BloomMysterious Man: Tim SniffenLincoln: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Let's see, do I have time this week to read from my Excel spreadsheet of ethnic groups and zany boundary grinding ways to refer to them? Hmm, there is my third callback with lore on this Sunday. Well, just one. What is it with French people using a candle lobby to explore the gardens at twilight? Use a lantern! Oh, brutal. Okay, Lincoln, your overdue on learning intro stuff. You know enough to tell the listener the podcast isn't real. But it is real. Yes, Patato. The other important part of our mission

is creating the illusion of legitimacy through a sponsor copy. Man, do I read all of this? No, take the suggested bullet points and make it your own. Paint a picture. This will go right into the podcast, except for Stitcher Premium, where ads are cut out, and I'll replace everything you say with a sound effect or dead air, whichever is funnier. And begin. Okay.

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That's podswag.com. Ah, not too bad. Thank you Lincoln for that series of words spoken in the correct order without screaming or crying once. And now, close your eyes, keep driving to work, tune out the sound of those screeching horns and police sirens, tune out the sound of those screeching horns and police sirens, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun.

I'm your host Arneany Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About four and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago. Yeah, but how do you really know? How do I really know what? Did you fill into a portal? About four and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. Yeah, but how do you really know? How do I really know what? Did you fell into a portal?

Maybe you've been here all along? I've always been here and my life on Earth is but a dream. Maybe you died and this is the last thing you're ever going to see. Oh, why would I do that to my soul? You've always lived in the castle. Maybe I've always lived in the castle? Oh, guys.

So long. So long. That's a lot to unpack, like, right? Like, literally a sentence and a half into the episode. You're a mage who hit his head. What is reality? Wait a second. John, maybe this is all in your head.

Oh, shit. I'm in a coma. Yeah. I'm in a coma. And I'm a little boy on Earth who is playing what's a game on Earth? What's any game on Earth? Clue. Clue.

We played Clue a long time ago. That's right. I got hit and hit with a candlestick in the ballroom by Colonel Peacock. We played Clue, one of the worst games ever made, as part of Earth Games, some bonus content. You can get on Stitcher Cruneham. I would have fun bonus content coming out. Bonus content coming him. I would hope it's long since coming out. Already, to start.

People in a listen to the worst podcast ever made play the worst game ever played. Might be fun. Sorry, Arnie finished your... Well, I was saying that I fell through a dimensional portal behind a birkin. I think, anyway, I think that's real. I think if there's anything that I, or you,

dear listener, can count on, that it is real, that I am in a magical land, and, you know, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal, so I upload this podcast of chronicling our quest across Fune to defeat the Dark Lord. Also, we very recently were put in charge of an army, the Velchmirian army, that we're going to use to fight the Dark Lord.

And we just got to figure out how to whip it into shape. And the people who are gonna help me do that are my co-host Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos! Champion of the great halls of Turokus. The Edo's Nubius Fienjellik, the dwarves Nubius, Zoonin who extinguishes, and I am known in the North East, has Gassmwayneus May Star, and there may be other secret names, dear listener. Names that air, you did see Rit upon the page.

Corey Orsmann? Things such as Corey Orsmann. Just look like a Corey Orsmann. You look like a Corey Orsman. Just look like a Corey Orsman. You look like a Corey Orsman. Oh, if these other names that are not Corey Orsman were written on the page in front of the though, and thou hadst the ill fortune to read them aloud, most assuredly, your toenails would grow

into where your fingernails go. Wow. And your fingernails would grow out into where your toenails go and your feet would be connected to your hands And you would cry until you die my mental image of that change like three times while you're describing it Bit of a mess Don't say that one I won't roll or cart ride. It's a secret That's not one that happens when you say your name is Cory Orsman

That's that's not the Cory or I just look like a Cory or yeah, oh, so it's not the that happens when you say your name is Cory Orsman. That's not the Cory Orsman. I just look like a Cory Orsman. Yeah. Oh, so it's not the Cory Orsman effect. Sad, did you work? Does that anything? Already. Hey, it's whatever you want, buddy. Oh, you're being in a coma and you can do it and say what you want.

Oh. Because it's secretly me, so I'm still right. But it's you saying it. Can I just say, I am very happy that we are here with the army of Velsmeer and they were attempting to rally them to finally defeat the Dark Lord. But I am really happy to get out of that camp for a little while. Right. Just talk to the two of you. Yeah, let's just walk through that camp. That camp was a army camp was a little camp, right?

It's a little camp. Yeah, it's a little wild. was a army camp was a little camp right? It's a little camp. Yeah. It's a little wild. Um, and once we defeat the Dark Lord, then maybe we can enter the tech wars. Look, I'm sorry I mentioned tech wars once. Well, you know what? Not sorry enough because now it's something that someone's gonna bring up all the time.

But what a wonderful opportunity for the three of us to do what we have not done in so long and have a wonderful boys night! Mmm, boys night! Oh, boys, I know. Speaking of things, we should do that we haven't actually done. What's that? What's going on with that book of sight?

Oh, that's right! You know, we have been so hyper-focused on the diplomatic mission to get an alliance to fight the Dark Lord that we forgot we need to find the lost pages of the Book of Sight. You may have forgot Arnold, but I did not. For where I do go, I look for the evil sorts of people who may carry one of these evil pages of this evil book. And I approach them and I say, are you evil? Do you have an evil page of this evil book? And they often look back at me in a confused manner. You said, or how do you like, you're just looking around a group of people?

How do you eyeball who you think might be evil? No here, let me turn around and see. I'll just do it to you guys. Okay. Ooh. Mmm. Arnold. Yeah? Are you evil?

Do you carry an evil page of the evil book of the evil book of sight? Well, that's complicated because one, I'm not evil, but two, I do carry this evil page from the evil book of sight. That's the one that Xylox gave to us. Oh, right, right, right, right. Like, does having it make me evil? Like, no, no. Like, does having evil, like, stuff make you an evil person? No, collecting them will give you.

It's intent. There are no evil actions or possessions. It's all intent It's like if I'm holding a chick-fil-a sandwich. Does that make me a bad person? Oh, what? I what? This is a hypothetical question. I love birds. I want to say yes Can I just say it's great to be out on the road doing stuff because I feel physically fit Which is great because we have to carry all this plot? Yes, it can be it can be a burden But here's the good thing, if we keep collecting these pages from the book of sight,

eventually we'll be able to put them together. And there'll be some arcane knowledge that allows us to destroy our great enemy. We may have to decipher runes and words of ancient languages, or we may need to flip them all over and make like a puzzle to find a fun key. To unlock a door, so I could be anything. That's fine.

I'd like to think that it'll all come together in a satisfying way And it just won't be a half-assed infinity gauntlet type MacGuffin, but that's just me. No, what? I don't know. I haven't seen that before. Oh MacGuffin. That's what you get for breakfast on earth. Mm-hmm with cheese. Arnie, um, do you mind Interusing me to who? To the pocket. Oh, oh, usually you usually you introduce both your co-hosts. That's right. Well, usually he introduced you first, but he introduced me first for some reason, and I, uh, I just ruled with it.

I'm so sorry once I realize that there's some possibility that this is all just a dream inside your comatose head, chant, like, I stopped seeing was a real person. Well, a fallgie accepted. Okay. real person. Hmm. Apology accepted. Okay. I don't think that was an apology. Who do we have on the show today? Nobody. I've thought this would be like an us thing.

Hmm. Well, wander through this beautiful forest, which I've got to say is one of the most beautiful things I've seen in all of my time and food. Yeah, this is stunning. Look at these ancient trees. What are these? You sure can you place those? Are those Sequoias? Or what are these? Oh these are maple? Oh no, these are even rarer than all of those trees combined. These are Grimphantries. Grimphantries, yes

Isn't that an army thing? A Grimphantry? That yes, it can be but that's when they're big. That's where the term came from. Oh Grimfin I see down there what to see a human being and a wizard in a badger That's what I call with those did not come up big get under my skull to sniff my poopy But oh what was she what did she insulted us and then she came on to it? Did you guys hear that or was that my own internal monologue? Ow! I'm not.

I think she stopped her toe. In mind, over three centuries of living on a phone, in I have never seen this rare and beauty of street a tree when... That's Rhyse me the tree when she went and I just didn't stop me tell. Ow tell I'm gonna need the apothecary for that towel cut You know no No no pouches from the apothecary is necessary for you stand in the light of you so door the blue the great wizard I'm out of you I've had another one of me that line with you one night and when they woke up they had syphilis of the bark

You're so serious. I have had some sexual relations with them. Now I'm just kidding. I'm kind of like, you know, tree winches with a roast comix of the forest. Oh really? Because we can never really die until the tree's cut down. I have a lot of time on my hands to just observe people and come up with somewhat cut and barbs

while also relating it back to my own sexuality which falls into a Madonna or complex blind me looking at my pussy Whoa! Put that away! Man, she asked, just look at it. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay at it. Okay, okay, okay. Look at the set. Box checked.

Box checked. Check out. Look at your... Yes. Point under mascara of leaves. As you can see, I'm beautifully grown into this tree. Oh, yes. The name of which you said.

A Grimfin tree. The Grimfin tree. It's Arnie's where she's grown into the tree but her toes are sticking out So that you can still stop them. Yeah, she's like a woman Grown into a tree. Arnie, why me look at her pussy All right box checks out again Sometimes woodpeckers come along and that's how I'll get yeast infections I imagine that's how trees fuck is woodpeckers come along and that's how I'll get yeast infections. I imagine that's how trees fuckers woodpeckers. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo We do not see this box again. Wait a second. Why are you?

Who is it? A badger? Shape shifter. Yeah. What? What? You're only John Yucidor. I'm such a big fan! What? Oh my god. Play wench is living the tree so we see a lot of time. But if it's not happening below me, I have to kind of stream time. See, I can see a lot of time. But since I'm streaming it, it's not happening below me I have to kind of stream time see I can see a lot of time but then some stream in it it's out of delay and every time a stream time it's in these seasons and when it comes to your story I'm still

say well right in the middle of season one that's where most people drop off oh Oh So now oh no spoilers for the tree wench last our check Scrillex Oh, yeah, that's right. We had to Screw it left and he'd gone through the portal He was convinced a little girl to believe in magic. Mm-hmm. That's right. Oh, you mean my most hated rival, spin-tax the Grease. Spin-tax, that's what is. Spin-tax, sorry. I love him. Well you know a lot of people, yes? Well I said, a lot of people you know

think that season two is underrated like they would call it like the wire season two and you know in that a lot of interesting things happen with spin tax. For instance, spin tax goes on. No, no, no, no spoilers, no spoilers. Although I do like your mention of the wire. I like a good wire up, matri-bum. Oh, well. You like that, but not woodpecker? I don't know, they're so good.

I'll say it. I claim my sexuality. You can't say it. I can show you my pussy, but if you ask to see it, I would shrink into the tree, never to be seen again. Never do I seem again? See, I'm reversing, I'm reversing the norm. I call it the men, and that makes me empower watset. look at my butt. Look, Ony, look at her butt fart. Hi, I've never looked at a butt while a fart was actively coming out. Now it's you and it was Genji.

It says it's all bees shooting out. Oh, I miss tooth. No spoilers. I'm sorry, sorry, two store come. Yeah, that's not important. Ony, you said a while ago, you said I'm a bit of a press ballusky. Yeah, you're a little bit of a press ballusky in that, you know, you're kind of unlikable, but I would have to imagine someday you'll turn that around. Hmm, we'll see. TBD. Now spoilers. I'll never find Sean likeable. I'm just kidding. I'm just reading you.

Well, we want to thank you so much for being a fan of our lives as you watch time through your streaming magic. Did you want like a portrait or something? Sometimes fans want a portrait. So they paint a portrait or perhaps they buy a doublet with a picture of a song. Can we tell a picture of a picture of a song? Actually this old time I've been carving your pictures onto the side of me tree look at it. Oh it's her pussy. Oh so fuzzy oh some fan-bark how I'm on the port course now you are on the

port course now that almost changed me down that's so extraordinary well tree wench what's that now that you're on the the port course on the port course yeah I'd love to learn a little more about you Very rare creature. It only happens when there's a sapling of the tree that you mentioned Grimfin tree a grimfin tree Crow and up and oh, it's when a woman Basically if you squat over a grimfin tree just as you're on the first day of your period And it's when your egg is done and it leaks out it leaks onto the sapling and the

sap of the grimfin tree impregnates the egg and in about thirty-four years when the tree's fully grown you get me. Wow! Beautiful woman emerges from the tree they're most perfect marriage of plant life and biological human life. I like to think that I'm a mermaid in that I have a sore and light coal mixed with dawn riggles. You know, dawn riggles, that troll that was really funny.

Shake like an oaky buck and buy hockey. I mean that game that you play with a hamhawk. With a hamhawk. Yeah, and the key is to score a goal. There you go. Hock key. Yeah, Don Rickles was a goblin who's in charge of sort of this family that did like, they were kind of nefarious.

It's almost like, I think what you would call like Mafia. He was the Don. Oh, wow. I don't take them one night. Oh, he died. Oh, yeah, no, you don't want to lay with me. You'll die. Oh, that's why I'm a siren challenge accepted. Oh, no. I really don't want to kill you. You store your basically immortal. Well, that basically leads me to believe that there's something that's very hard to kill me That is certain. I am practically indestructible here. Take this life and stab me with it. Okay. Yeah fat chance get out of here What if I stab Arnie? Tree wenches have to ask.

I think you know. Do you really have to ask? Oh, there's two guesses, but I didn't know which is. Oh, it's a never-ending bag. The sap of a tree wench is truly a blessing. You have been honored today, hon. Amazing. And look, the scar under here looks familiar. This is that shape.

It's me, Posey. Yeah, yeah. Yep. Another box for you. Can that be a new t-shirt. We sell it's me pussy We could try Tree wench. Yeah, is there something do we just call you tree wench? Do you have a name? You know, oh no one's ever asked me that before usually they just say I'm tree wench I'm on a fuck you and then I killed him You always see my collection of men corpses and one woman. Yes, please.

Here you go, I'm gonna open up the tree. Oh, yeah, there's Don Rickl. There's Don Rickl. Yeah, oh my gosh. That's various states of decay. That's shing more, the sorceress. I've never seen so many dead bodies with their pants around their ankles. Yep, robes.

How many- I mean close to that, man. OK, that's exactly what I was going to ask. Yeah, I've never asked my name. Oh, I guess I should have a name. Oh, it's just all myself's tree wench, but you'll make me. You'll make me see another dimension of all of that've fallen into that Madonna oh complex too much I only see myself is a tray that wants to get fucked and then kill people I guess if I

didn't name myself it would be oh let's help let's help her out. No wait I feel like the name is really coming soon Jessica wet hole I can see where she got the first name but where the last name come from interesting my She looks like a Jessica my instincts were spot on Jessica weth hole it is a pleasure to meet you and we are so happy that you have taken on this new name and found a new aspect of that personality Yeah, and also I'm really good at carving me pussy. Yeah, maybe I could be a pussy artist. Oh Imagine what beauty there is the natural form of a woman and to share that natural beauty in the form of carvings that are of a woman and to share that natural beauty in the form of carvings that are shared all around fume to express love and sexuality. You can be, and she has such great pussy control. You can't save her. I can say that. You cannot save her.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You're stepping on our agency. No, you. Jessica, what, Jessica Wethole? I just want to apologize. I'm very sorry. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Love. Now Jessica, you say all you're really interested in is uh, lauring people here to have sex with them and then murder them. But what do you do when no one's around? How do you pass the time?

Oh yeah, thinking up insults or... Well, actually, I birdwatch. Oh. Oh. I love birds. Oh, you do. I haven't heard that part of the season of time yet. Oh, no spoilers. No spoilers. No spoilers. Oh, you love birds. Oh, you do! I haven't heard that part of the season of time yet. Oh, no spoilers, no spoilers. No spoilers. Oh, you love birds. There's no spoiler for I was brought into the world by conspiracy of birds and raid and wind and fire. They did decide that food needed a champion and I stepped forth fully

formed as a great wizard usador. And I have always since that day beloved those birds especially who did conspire to bring me here. They are beautiful creatures with great skill and they're delicious. I also think a sparrow shat on your hat in the middle of that monologue. Oh, I can't remember. What a blessing! What a blessing! Just as you have been blessed with the sap of the treewrench, I have been blessed with the feces of the sparrow

And just got my I add there is also some virtue on you. Oh, of course and also on you Yeah, I'm I'm and also on you. Oh, thank you so much and also on you know what that was good. I'm likeable Oh, you're so likable. Yeah, yes, let's put you in a sitcom, you know wait You're sitting come Let's put you in a sitcom, you know wait a... I've written on a bus. My favorite sitcom is Friends. Oh yeah. When you sit in coma, someone will. And there's also Single-com and also Multi-com.

Multi-com's kind of going the way of, you know, some, some sitcoms are still multi-coms. It's just predictive. Look, it's, we all grew up with the Multi-com, we all get it. And it's just now, it's like, that's not, that's not what life is. You know what I'm saying?

It's just not what life is. And it just looks cheap. It's also weird. There used to be a thing where like, when you would sit and come, can the wizard would come in a pause? Can't laugh at the end. Yeah. It was like, yeah, I can't laugh for a pause. It just seemed weird so they kind of did away with that.

I see. You know, there was this one sitcom that are rather like called Sports Night. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. of a cliche, but I really love Frazier. He's a crane. I

Love birds Well, John I didn't know I didn't know how to tell you this before, but it does look like he said some come before It's just on your oh for how in person We've been trying to think of a way to tell you that for four years. Yeah This is awkward trying to think of a way to tell you that for four years. Yeah, there are a long time. This is awkward. You sit and come and you think someone's gonna say something to you, but so sorry. We should have sent you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That's why I love watching you you've been in a sick cone this whole time. Oh You like Daphne Daphne and Niles my favorite birds

No, yes, I love all those birds. I'm hungry for toss out and scrambled eggs. Oh, no Oh, there is no there is no there is pressure crain is left the building Well, I I'm very delighted that we have happened upon this treewrench But do we need to take a short break and then return? Yeah, I think we could probably take a short break and we'll uh, dipchance button the stream and see if we can kind of rinse it off. And uh, yeah, and- and we'll be right back with more with uh, Jessica Weddle. So we're back and we're in the middle of this beautiful woodland glade and we're

joined by the delightful Jessica Wedhole. I am I am tree girl and out I'm fan tree and out. This is so cute. Hello. Hello. Hello. Yeah I know. This is what a microphone looks like.

A microphone. Yeah. You know I make a joke that it's like a, but I'm gonna have a hard standard for my comedy Raising my standards, so I'm just we that doesn't sound right Doesn't sound right. I don't mean very many people You have to say and most of them are thieves who've just plundered So basically the fact that you've met anyone at all has made you decide to not be as blue at your comedy. Yeah, I'll...

I don't know, I'm not gonna go there. Hmm, you know? I'm just kidding, you should go here, look at my pussy again! No! Well, you know... I think that's her catchphrase. Ony, look at her pussy again. Okay, uh...

Good work. Give her... Oh yes, Aaron. Oh, that's what I've always wanted. Oh, really? I was saying good work and uploading me. Yeah, you deserve like validation. Like it wasn't a traveling show, eligible for a dose.

Now, Jessica, I must ask you a very important question. Oh, is it to join the quest? Yeah, I'm stuck in a tree mate But whatever you sure that does not mean you cannot help for you may be able to pass messages between birds who land in your branches Could you not in some way act as a career of messages for us? I guess I could. Now, whenever you mean there's anything more than my pussy, and my ability to kill people, see, I don't have brothers of insistence. Sorry, sometimes the sex is hard, because instead of a TH, I do a V.

Yeah. I don't have a mom. My mom was just a lady, menstruated, I was sapling. Right. So I never had anyone tell me that I could be anything more, but that was beautiful. Yeah, I guess I could do that. We could also send our enemies here, and you could have your way with them if you'd like.

Oh, you're right! I've never thought about using it as a weapon, Avon! I haven't thought about that, but my very sexuality, that operating front of people people to lure them in could also be my way of getting back at the world. That's right. You could be like the Dexter of fucking, which is a pretty good pitch, if you think about it. Oh, you mean- Wait, what is Dexter? Yeah, it's Dexter.

Okay, so this guy, hear me out. He used to run a funeral home with his family. He said he heard me out. I know to stop right. Okay, fair enough. Hey, but here's the thing if you're out there If you want to explain Dexter, I don't think that's the part of Dexter. You wouldn't know. I'll stream time I get I get a little bit telling you know, and then you've been stay share your it's been six feet under

Look, here's the thing Dexter is this guy named Nate Fisher and he runs a funeral home with his family. Right. And eventually, he starts to kill serial killers so that he can help his funeral home business. Oh right, you told us about this before, and he's the one that then teams up with Spider-Man. Mm-hmm. Sounds good to me. Yeah. I know you're a reliable narrator,

like the time when you were describing the musical Hamilton, and you described him as a president. Yep. But in my defense, that was at a different time. That was at a time when a lot of people would have made that mistake. Despite the fact that there might be or might not be a song, specifically, you could call never going to be president now.

Look, it's not my fault that I didn't listen to every word in that sentence. No, I also say appreciate the year of truth. Yes, and. Just gonna say, we hope it's not a spoiler that already's done. Is that spoiler anything? No, no, no, no, no. So what do you, what do you, what do you know so far, just so we know not to spoil for you? I know that he fucked a memory, Gremlin. And that spin-tax, the green went to earth. And that you met a skeleton. Yeah, oh, Clax. That's right. That's right. That's a Clax success. Oh, that was... I'm still wet for it. Ow! Now, now, Jessica, you better than that now. You better than that. You got to rise above, Jessica. You're on a now. You bet it's not. You got to rise above Jessica.

You're in a tree, you're pretty far. Oh, sorry. Thank you. But Jessica, I totally identify with what you're talking about because people look at me and this podcast and they think it's just butthole jokes and animal sex. Something called puns.

And puns and wordplay, but really, there's also, I want to see if he has anything to go after this but there's also like a surprising amount of a emotional depth that sometimes shoehorned in with a middling amount of acting ability. Wow. You really think that? What do you mean? Your description of the podcast is very confusing to me. How did you describe the podcast? Well, I would say it's loud, and it's not visual I just learned in the last episode.

No one can see any of this. Yeah, we do. What a total waste of time. Just learn it's audio only. And of course, well, there are much better podcasts out in the world. This might be a spoiler for you, but Chant and I have our own spin-off podcast, and there's

only six million episodes out of Get In Nuts! Would you like to be a guest? Would you like to do an episode right now? Sure, I would love to! Oh, this is a spoiler, don't mind, I want what? This is Chunt, this is Jessica Weddle! And this is Youssedo the Blue! And we're getting nuts.

I eat a peanut the other day. I found another pity nuts. Well, basically my first pity nut for my side face. When I kill a man, a squeeze is not so hard that they explode and then I put them on my air and that's my shampoo. And this was the last episode of Gats. Real quick in a way your shampoo is crushed up. Yeah, it's crushed up. Uh, it's it's crushed up. Bolcome

Oh, well to be fair. What is your shampoo? Do you even know? I mean, I guess I don't know for a fact It's not crushed up. Bolcome. I got to read that label. Why do you think I'm so happy this sphero shit on my head? Actually I've started to bowl my shampoo. You see how many gopses I had in that little tree flap? Yeah. So I have some bottles. And now I used to call it the tree wenches jizz serum, but you know what I'm gonna go for something.

I was gonna boil it. I was gonna go for it. Let me scrape this. Here's the thing, if you call it tree wenches jizz serum, people might not know if it's a shampoo or a drink That is such a smart point very good spoiler alert. You're insightful. Oh, thank you Mostly happens near the end of season two. Oh, she's got a new name. Okay. Here it is. It's called Jessica Wet old magic. Hey, love. Oh

What oh magic hair love I Shouldn't say magic because we're in food. It's it's given that is magic That's just kind of saying like a human hair or whatever. No, I mean not at all I mean you stories magical he he mentions that he is you know that's true. That's true You know magical. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, the world itself is you know peruse status quo But we have you know magic certain elements there are quo, but we have, you know, magic, certain elements. There are those sad, pathetic souls who have no access to magic, and I do pity them with all my heart.

Imagine Poorni here, damned to life without magic. Nothing capable in his very hands. He looks down, wishing some power, and course through them, and yet nothing duff exit them. He must simply manipulate tools with his hands like a fool. Ow, look at him. No, I mean, ow, look. Oh, she's set her toe again. Ow, look at him.

I'm so embarrassed to look at him. Look at him while I quiet. Oh, sorry. Yep. Come lower down, I'm blowing. Ah, blow it on, ah. Wow. Thanks for reminding me that I'm the only non-magical one

in the show. I'm going to go over here and keen a little bit. Buddy, buddy, no, you're magical. Look, this equipment you have that captures audio and sends it to another dimension. That's magic. It's beautiful. Buddy, I don't want to be someone that the thing that makes

me special is just the things I bought. I guess I've never talked about this, but I didn't make these microphones I didn't make this bloody bloody laptop. I'm Arnie this sounds like a spin-off. What would it be called? Tech-tech talk tech wars Arnie you are magical. Why? Because you brought to us Friendship friendship is magic. Yeah, you can have the first-eval bottle of Jessica Wethole's magic out of. Oh, and are you giving those? You scratch them with it out, you can still read the word too.

Yeah, that's true. Couldn't you just shorten tree wenches' gizzerum to trezome? Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, I was gonna call the first one, panting pro-V, because when I'm sex up and I'm Pro-V! Hahaha! Honnold, it's time to wash away. Oh, it's time to wash my hair! Yeah, it's been granted this gift.

I guess in a way the last... Maybe not to use it. I guess the last 200 plus episodes have all been leading up to this where people can hear me get my hair washed by a wizard, a badger, and a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn-

And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn-

And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn-

And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- And a turn- This one. Yeah, look Arnie, this apple has a lot of reviews for things. Oh, great. You're friends with this apple tree? Yeah, apple tree, do you like it? It's good. Say. That apple tree is pretty meek. I feel like that apple tree just doesn't want to be rude. I feel like that apple tree.

No, I'm good. Okay, I think you're apple tree. You want to know? I would love an apple. I would love an apple. Thank you. Thank you. Can I ask before I bite into this apple? There's nothing like Giz related How rude? Oh It's so weird you get calibrated to a certain conversation and then you talk to another person and you realize I probably shouldn't have just

It's okay apple tree never person and you realize I probably shouldn't have just. It's okay, Apple tree. Never, never. Apple trees, a fudge. You know that? I did not know they can't handle that. What? But he's literally like a few feet away from you. He can't handle this worse. All my tree is different.

Jessica. Yeah. Is the apple tree going to be all right or should we burn it to the ground I Think he'll be all right, all right But if he isn't I can fuck him and he'll die Mercy come mercy you're a true friend This apple smells weird. That's all I say. Oh, dear you. Sorry This apple smells weird. That's all I'm saying. Oh, dear you.

Sorry. Oh, no. Tree wench. Jessica, if you don't mind me calling you that, like... Mrs. Wethole, if you're nasty. Or if you're proper. It's been really a delight. Thank you. I'm so... I'm so happy that you've enjoyed the podcast and, uh, you know, I kind of enjoy people that have like a... uh, filthy sense of humor.

Oh, you know, you have changed my life because I'm still gonna have me filthy sense of humor, but I'm also gonna have a non-fifty sense of self. Oh. Oh. And it took three men to help me realize that, which is the ultimate feminist narrative. Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know what? Would you mind if we read an email? Oh, absolutely. Well, you know what, would you mind

if we read an email? Oh, how would it all feel to write the emails? All right, let's try, let's try to. Do you know what an email is? An email is a message. Oh, Arnie, yeah. When we're in a boat, where do they call it? When we're in a boat, they're called females.

When it's just in the pub, what's it called? An email? When we're in the presence of Jessica, what hold? What is it called? A Tree Mail. Thank you. I was going to say Gismail, but sure, Tree Mail works. Oh, yeah, yeah, Gismail.

So we've had such a great sort of filthy time, but let's answer this one with our higher cells. Let's see, let me pull up an email. What do we got from a dedicated fan? Here's one. Hi, you should play a game where everyone has to have sex with everyone else sent from my iPad. That's it email Thanks listeners. Now I have to ask I have a follow-up question to this question unfortunately, which I know cannot be answered

How do you win this game? Hmm is it whoever does it the best and if so, how do you qualify good sex? Right. Well the fact that it was said, sent from me iPad means they gave it a lot of thought and they were probably definitely sober and are a happy person. Oh maybe there's more clues in the subject line. The subject line is high. Hmm, hi, hi. Oh, they're all in a tree. Oh, that's me, friend. The tree went over across the line.

Wait, there's another tree went over there. There's a couple others, and we can communicate to each other with telepathy. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, it makes it even easier for you now to be a part of my quest and help spread messages across through and through your telepathic network. I'm sure we can go back to you. We can make it back to you.

What if we can make it back to you yet? No, no, but Jessica, what's next for you? I don't know. The world has opened up so many ways. I don't know if you want to fuck people to death anymore. Don't want to, I need to rely on passing strangers from the own sense of pleasure? Why, second? If I took the own branch and took the own, Busy. Oh.

See, I never had a mom or dad to tell me about how this works. So figuring out my body and the rules of this world as we go. Yeah. Oh, what happened to fun? Oh, oh. Oh, that feels good. That feels good. We should turn around turn around with way

It's beautiful. How do you feel that rumbling? Do you feel that earth rumbling? No, oh no, oh no This is how oh If I fuck myself do I kill myself? Oh? No, I'm sinking into the ground Now I'm sinking into the ground in two light! Oh! Jessica, Jessica, we're home! She fucked herself! Get my shampoo into brick and mortar store!

Oh my gosh. I have to say the shampoo is amazing. My hair has never looked better. I now have a side quest. I shall ensure that the shampoo appears in brick and mortar stores. No straw stores, no hatchet roof stores. Those can be blown down. Those could be destroyed so easily. No fool who makes their store from log shall carry the shampoo, only the finest stones and bricks. And we need to come up with a jingle for the shampoo, right?

Yes, very much so. It might break. No, you're not. No, I was trying to think of four. Go for it, do it. Just trying to think of one. Yeah, okay, it was called Jessica Wet Holes. She is a, no, what was it called?

You can read it off of this bottle here, look. Ah, no, I guess something in my eye. Yes, I got come in my eye. Oh no. Chuck, where did that come from? I guess something in my eyes. I got come in my eyes. Oh no. Chuck, where did that come from? How about a real poo from my real friends, shampooed now?

How about... It's me, I'm a tree ghost. Whoa! Jessica, what else? I just read it off of the bottle. It was Jessica Wells, but Magicala, okay, bye. Oh, I missed the last word. I think that ghost had come inside. Well, eat regardless of what it's called.

It should be available on Earth because I have the most amazing hair I've ever seen and that's canon now, at least for a few weeks. If you wanted to wash your hair with sap from a pussy use Jessica with holes panting pro v oh yeah that's true you want a shampoo that's good for your soul look no further than just going oh you want some shampoo that will make your hair pert all you need is a little tree squirt. We'll keep workshopping. I don't know, I think that's the one.

But most importantly, listener, I know we've had a lot of fun here. But I think at the end, you need to walk away from this episode with the important lesson to never masturbate because something bad will happen. Maybe we should put up a poll about who's actually head for. Put up a pole? Yeah, just to be clear, let me just raise this pole. I'll put a sign and put that away.

Keep your hair silky soft, it'll never harden. With exploded testicle juice from Matry's secret garden. Hmm, I'll keep workshopping. I have a rhyming dictionary, maybe that will help. No no Lincoln, Amateur's borrow, art his steal. I already took it from your cubby hole. Okay, I'll just need it back for some rap battles I'm doing around Thanksgiving. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the shapeshifter was played by Adolf Refy.

Jessica Wethole, the tree wench, was played by special guest Rachel Bloom, creator and star of the TV series Crazy X Girlfriend. She just won an Emmy, like it's probably still in her car. Speaking of which, she's currently on the road with her, what am I going to do with my life now tour, and you can find cities, dates, and ticket info on her website, RachelDuz Stuff.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, the air wolf producer, Kimi Lucas. This

episode edited by Tim Joyce, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBam. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If you've been following along all these years strictly to learn more about the show Dexter, as I've said many times before, I'm so sorry. Lincoln, race you across the street, I want to spend some time with my new friend. How do you mean me? No, of course not. I mean something called the rodeo chicken sandwich.