Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 100 - Rescue Party

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

Momo, Krom and Carfoon Blemish set sail on the quest to rescue Arnie.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifBlemish: Martin WilsonKrom the Fingarian: Mark LogsdonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenEately CEO: Avery Makel Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSea Shanty Theme: Arne ParrottYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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While mysterious stranger, the votes are in and the board of directors wants you in charge. As the young people say, sick. All I can say is your directors are both geniuses and easily intimidated. As CEO, I hear by resign and declare you the new CEO of Italy. Or rather? Or rather, as you suggested, Belgium. That's right. Finally, that quirky little European gallstone of a country will get its due, and crowd

should love the new all-graveen muscles menu. But, my first act as CEO will be to order the security system dismantled, as I walk out of the building unbothered. And now, a audience. You may remember one of our cast of characters is in grave danger, and since dramatic stakes are kind of a precious commodity from the magical land of food. I'm your host, you're our horse. You're already done it wrong.

I'm your host, Carnival Wilson, a replica of Arnie, made with magical paint for the sole purpose of hosting this podcast and tricking people. If you've never listened to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know. About four years and four weeks ago, I fell for it. Oh, um, Carfoon Arnie, can I just call you Cafferny? Um, that's not exactly right. For Arnie. Arnie's bad at math, but you're really, uh, you're really embarrassing him. Oh, I, for whatever reason, I can't get past thinking it's been four years and on the game. Arnie's bad at math, but you're really embarrassing him. Oh, for whatever reason, I can't get past thinking it's been four years and four weeks.

Oh, it's been four years and five weeks? Anyway, we're at sea on a voyage on the SS Stephanie. I'm joined as always by my co-host, Shant the Dawking Badger. Oh, yeah, baby, I'm so excited. We're gonna go battle on a volcano. I mean, that's like, that's like as wild as it gets. I know big, that's big deal.

Oh yeah, and Kaffarney, don't worry. I don't know how much you retain a Varney's memory, but I'm a shapeshifter, so I've been practicing turning myself into some of the most dangerous animals. Uh, let me show you, I can become a shark. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, god, hey, no shift. You can't breathe. I can become a pufferfish, and all we need is for the Dark Lord to not cook me, not carefully remove my organs and then eat me.

How many of your shapes involve you trying to be eaten? I'll never tell. Oh, yes, chun, this plan of sushi side shall be excellent, but I... I want to take my obsidian sword and plunge it deep into that demon's heart. Yeah. And I'm gonna turn into a little volcano. Look. Ah! Ah! My blood is hot. My blood is hot. Hot blood. Hot blood.

That's pretty good. Oh, and you sort of look, one last shape you. Ugh. Ooh, look at this form. It's what Arnie always says is the most dangerous animal. Man. Yes. Oh.

I've never seen you. I've never seen you as a human before. Look at me, I'm 5'10 and my name is Carl. Let me operate this machine. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do I get a paycheck for my working. So human, perfect. Oh, I'm sitting down on my balls. They're so stupid. Idiot humans.

Oh yes, no humans here today. Ah yes, I have been painted with a knowledge of that story about Mr. Belvedere and his balls. There were scratches on the China that hadn't been there before. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusudor the Blue. I am Yusudor, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trakis, the elves no me is fying out, the dwarves no me as soon as I'm in hook stinges, and I am known in the northeast. By those twin regions, as gas-mainiest me star,

and I, upon this sea voyage, we'll finally achieve my goal after feeding the dark lord, saving my friend Arnie, and all a food from evil forever Cool, well, that's what's going on with me. Yeah, that's fantastic. Oh, you sir. I almost forgot I have something Super important to tell you can I talk over here. Yeah sure sure. Yeah, I can't hang on Connie Yeah, get the fuck out of here. I'm talking to you. What's going on? Um, I don't know if this is the right time, it's probably not, and it sucks, but I got some information Aege Baby has been cited.

Oh! My child, my little Aege Baby! Oh, that's wonderful! Yeah, I got a message that Aege Baby has been seen with a bounty hunter of few words. Oh, how intriguing. I'm definitely better interested in this story, but do we have time to go get eggy baby here? Is eggy baby in the middle of the ocean between us and the volcano? No, I think they're kind of wandering the desert. I don't know if they've been kidnapped,

or I don't know what's going on. But as soon as we go, so I just overheard, your eggy baby has been captured by someone, a man or a woman, a bounty hunter, a few words, who's probably a loner and probably, I mean, I assume all bounty hunters are named bubblefoot. That's the one bounty hunter I know is bubblefoot. So you don't know if it's a woman or a man doe. It could be a man doe, you know, yeah. Oh, that's all I really, that's all I really had to that it might be

that Mando Dorian you know the bounty hunter who has a helmet and his attic that gets older while he never ages look we don't have time for this right now we have to go save Arnie next season after that maybe next season we'll get around to it all between seasons maybe we can swing by I mean this is a pretty rich vein have we considered like maybe saving Arnie next season? Maybe we should really divert straight to this mando? To me, this sounds like a limited series that should be behind the paywall, but that's just me.

Okay, I'm listening. I don't think you'll accomplish either of those things, obviously. Quiet you. I didn't know you came above decks. Whoa. Yes, sometimes I like to get out here and get a little sunlight under the robelets. Oh, oh yes.

It's not a good angle, certainly. But I believe that Carfoon Blemish here has some part yet to play. For though he seems evil. I am sure he shall, in the end, help us in some way. For there is so little obsidian left, and we must use what is left in mine soared, and the balls given to me by another than honor, to ensure that that dark lord doth die, and that when he dies, the true death, that he shall coalesce into a ball of light, and that ball of light, shall fly into the heavens. That's how you know, was it really dead?

Oh, that's new information to me, so if it was true- Well, it's not to me, I everyone fucking knows that. Everyone, I'm sorry, John, did you know that? Yes. Carfoon Blummish, did you know that? Of course. Momo, did you know that? Yes. Car food blamers, did you know that? Of course. Momo, did you know that? Vacation!

And the summertime, when the weather was here, and the minute, do, and the Momo is here, and it's summertime, and I'm on vacation, and it's about 80, 80, 80, what? Momo, we must have not told you, thank you for joining us in your three, your three-piece bikini looks amazing, but we have not told you. Thank you for joining us in your three piece bikini. Looks amazing, but we're off to battle. We're not here to fake it.

You said this is the carnival Wilson cruise. No, I'm sorry. This is Carnival Wilson, the Caffani over here. Arnie's been replaced with Caffani, and now we're on this boat, the SS Stephanie. Stephanie, the SS Stephanie, we're on this boat, the SS... Stephanie. Stephanie, the SS Stephanie, we're on this boat to go to a volcano to save the real Arnie.

What? Yeah, this is an evil paint based on it. I'm using all my PTO for this. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm not evil. I'm just drawn this way. If you're not evil, then why are you ruining my vacation? I just like tricks.

Mom, we could all ask questions. Why did you just put one dollop of sunscreen on your nose and not cover your whole body? Because that's hilarious and that's the part that's closest to the sun. Why did you tell me to pack my little bucket and my shovel? I am literally sitting under a drink umbrella right now drinking a full coconut. What we're doing what we're going to battle I packed totally wrong I was hoping you could plant magical mines along the beach with your little shovel oh god I almost just

going through the case no battle close so many props you said or can you walk me through your thought process and putting together a search party? Yes, I was born 300 years ago, and a little bit longer, so that I could be a champion for the forces of good. Yada, yada, yada, yada, then we got here. Arnie is in grave danger.

There's one artifact still in his brain, and of course another artifact still being protected by Krom. But once the Dark Lord has all of those artifacts, he shall be able to cheat the true death, and jump into anybody he wishes. Oh, what a dastardly day that would be if he were able to cheat the true death. Oh, but I shall ensure it doesn't happen, for I shall save Ar Ony and keep at least one artifact out of his hands. Oh boy, sorry everyone, I'm gonna sit down for a minute. Just... All this exposition has really, uh, winded me.

Ooh, did you call it exposition? You hear what you wanna hear. Maybe I do. At the end of the day, Momo is rum drunk and refuses to do any hard work. So, that's what's going on with me over here. What about you, Plemish? The likelihood that these fools will even get close enough to the Dark Lord to take him on and battle much less to feed him is extremely low. You need to relax.

Yes, I'm trying to. Can I have a little dollop of your sunscreen for my cat dick? Absolutely. Do do. Oh, oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Very familiar. I'm sorry, he wanted a dollop, not a doulip.

Oh, okay. Dollop? I blinish, you need not worry, but I should have all manner of disguise to get mine so closer to that dark lord. Watch it now! As I hunch over, I become a crowon! Oh, I'm an old crow, and a blue wizard's robe.

Could you change the color of the robe? I could, but I won't. Ooh, could you become a rotary crone? Like an older crone? Yeah, I suppose I could. It'd take a lot longer, but I could do it. Speaking of very slowly, do you guys see that weird shark circling the boat?

It's just like, it's dorsal thin, it almost looks like a wooden club. It's been circling the boat? It's just like, it's dorsal thin as like, it almost looks like a wooden club. It's been circling the boat for hours. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck, it's crum! Oh, oh, oh, fuck, it's you guys. Ah, now a band of heroes is truly assembled.

Together, we are unstoppable. Ah, alright. What do we do with? Crimes here? Okay, this is the worst vacation ever. You are not supposed to mix friend groups. I am part of one of your friend groups. And then you can't just have people from other friend groups here.

Just like, what do we do to talk about? We're not gonna have fun. You guys. Momo, we save Arnie once every, I don't know, what has it been six years? Okay, just, I don't know. Four years and four weeks. No, wrong. If you could just try and get along with it. Like, just ask, have you ever met Crom before? Hi, Crom. How are you? Ask him questions. Hi, Mouse. Um, what do you think is the worst thingrom. How are you? Ask him questions. Hi, Mouse.

What do you think is the worst thing that ever happened to you? What the fuck? Am I doing it right? Oh, I forgot. She's really bad at small talk. It sounds like it's time for us structured icebreaker game. Wait, I want to hear Crom's answer. Probably the time I brush my teeth with what I thought was a toothbrush but was a pine cone that a bear used to wipe its butt.

You could have made something up. All right, this guy seems cool. All right. Wait, can I ask a question? Of course. You guys have other friend groups? Well, I thought it was kind of, uh, hmm, I thought I was just kind of,

I thought I was, you know, it was just us. Yeah, well, I hear what you're saying. It's difficult because we have many acquaintances from hosting the show for so long. Yeah, many acquaintances, but not not many like close cool friends. Yeah, like best friends, right? Well, just say we've got a lot of friend groups, but some of those friend groups we only hang out with like once every year or so and some of those friend groups we only hang out with once every three or four years or so. Yeah, why don't we all just go around and say who our best friend is?

Okay, I'll start. My best friend is a Noah Fencecaferney. My best friend is real Arnie I'll take that as meaning me Connie oh, you know what? I think in a way my best friend is also Arnie He made me he made me who I am Interesting, I'm sure if we asked him he'd probably say me Nothing Kurt Kurt you might say me though Well, when we say them was ask him. Yeah, okay. He won't say you and he probably say me, nothing, curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt-

curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt-

curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt-

curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- curt- Oh, a car food audience. Second, I guess. We're two of the only car foods in all of food that were made with forbidden paint that could in theory live forever. So I get it, we gotta have some kind of a connection

through that. Now who's the king of exposition? My best friend is a woodpecker named Joanne. Oh, I don't know Joanne. She sounds lovely. Yeah, I mean, not in the morning though. She'll come over and be like, bang, bang, bang, bang,anne, she sounds lovely. Yeah, I mean not in the morning though. She'll come over and be like, bang, bang, bang, bang, and I'll be like,

whoa, I'm coming to the door, relax. But she's my best friend. That's wonderful. What about you, Krom? My best friends are Arnie, Chant, and Yusidora, but not you guys, like the real you guys, but a dream I had about you three. We were all like sledding all day.

Yeah, it was awesome. And at the end of the day, we were super tired and we just like got pizza and talked. Oh, that sounds really fun. I mean, that sounds amazing. Chrom, let's try and make that happen. Let's pencil that in. Wait, does everyone, I know we're on our way to an epic battle, but does everyone have

their schedules with them? Yeah, I've got my hair. Let me just, I have a notebook here somewhere. Let me put these on. Okay. How about, what does, um, Flophtumber look like for everyone? Uh, pretty open. Yeah, for me that just says back to hard work after a marvelous vacation, so I'm working

on month. I did send a bird to a Perl fuel about hanging out all of that month, but I haven't heard back from him yet. Okay, okay. What about would Vistach work? Vistach is better for me. Okay, but I don't know if that's better for snow or for sledding because it's such, you know, it's the hot season to be out to be true. So I have O O F written for all of you in my planner going forward Because you all will be out of food out of food. Yes gone dead no longer no longer in food Obviously, you're you're sailing like idiots to a volcano or to do some shut up Why would you write O O F when you could just write D for dead? You're sailing like idiots to a volcano. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ump and did my quest to defeat evil. Oh, yeah, and I And again, I'm Greg and finger guns finger guns

Crazy crazy weather we're having today. Wait, is this Greg or Carl? I was gonna ask the same thing Oh, what's the was the last human's name Carl? Yeah, that was Carl. Well, this is Greg, Fingergun. Well, this fingergun. Yeah, you look different as Greg. I'm sleeping with your wife. Oh, there you go. There you go. That's two different humans you've been in one episode.

Wow, I'm really, I'm shifting up a storm. You're shifting the hell out of this place. Well, I better slow down and save some of this juice. All right, now we're on vacation. We're having fun. Yeah, where do I get one of those coconuts? I'm glad you asked. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey a coconut with a straw through it, but the straw goes all the way through the coconut and then into a pineapple. Yes! Wow, Crom just ate the whole coconut.

Oh, I thought that's how we were supposed to do it. Well, that's all right. I mean, we are on a quest to defeat evil and save our friend, and we are a fellowship of heroes traveling together. With many disparate backgrounds, yeah, not all. And some venn diagram that is completely lacking connections. But why not? Why not do as Momo is said?

Why not vacation? Party and enjoy ourselves on this journey. Yeah, like a vacation where if we save our friend, we save our friend. If we fail, we fail. That's this journey. Yeah, like a vacation where if we save our friend, we save our friend. If we fail, we fail. Ugh, that's fucking it. Yeah, let me get another one of those coconuts. Hey, cut, look at me.

I think that's a cut. Fingarians' mouths are so big, you can fit a couple of hairy coconuts in there. Momo, toss me a coconut and you should or magic me a t-shirt that says it's coconut somewhere. Wh- You're off-roo! Maybe you're all right, maybe we should relax. You should or magic me a t-shirt that says it's coconut somewhere. Here I go! Maybe you're all right, maybe we should relax. I mean, look, worst case scenario, the Dark Lord kills real Arnie and takes that thing out of his head.

He still doesn't have all three artifacts, right? Like as long as the one Crom hit is still safe somewhere in Fingert. That's all cool. How important was it that I keep track of that? Oh, very important. Also what's behind your back? Huh? Are you scratching your butt or something? Uh, yeah, I just got some kind of, I think I got a ocean butt during my swim. Oh, well, I was bedding there. Yeah, ocean butts rough. Wow.

Well, it's a whole school of fish. That's what ocean bed is. It's a whole school of fish up there. So, of course. Have you guys ever had ocean spray? I had ocean spray for 10 days. It was the worst. I couldn't do anything. When you're done with your ocean spray, can I get some of that? Sure, if you want it.

Yes, of course. Cram, were you swimming backwards? I'm just trying to figure out how you get a whole school of fish up your butt. I was swimming kind of up and down all around. I'll be honest with you guys, that artifact is totally gone. Oh, then what's behind your back? Also, you were swimming up and down and all around. Were you also trying to trace the alphabet in the water while you swam? No, I was looking for something that was stolen from me.

Not the artifact. Wait, you had multiple things stolen from you recently? Are you all right? We don't know if the artifact was stolen from me or not, right? I only said I don't have it anymore. Or at least I looted to it. Maybe he dropped it. Did you drop it? No, it was stolen

I think okay. Well there we go. I just hadn't said that yet. Oh wait He dropped whatever's behind his back. What is oh, it's a rock and it has a piece of paper on it This says please believe this is the artifact. Sorry. Oh There it is He had it though. It's right here. It's the artifact. Cafferty is right here. Oh, okay.

This isn't it. What? Pretty sure it is. Do you see the piece of paper? I see the piece of paper. It is done little to convince me of its true nature, an origin, but good try. You wouldn't say it was an artifact if it wasn't an artifact, you know?

Yeah. First of all, let's say it right. Autifact. Second of all, this is not one. Oh, now that I'm looking at it closer, you... I think it... No, it is, because that paper on it definitely is one. Well, the paper's a little wet.

I assume from when you're in the ocean. So the ink is starting to run a little bit so I don't know All right, you should be clean. It's gone guys. No the real artifact is gone. Yes, it is gone I brought it back to Fingeria after we found it in the temple and I put it in our large pile of snakes Foon's largest pile of snakes. Oh yeah, that's right. By width. By width, yes. By width, the largest pile of snakes in food.

But pretty shallow. It was exactly one snake eye. Again, piles generally go up and not out. Yeah, that's the one that there's not a lifeguard at, though, because it's such a shallow pile of snakes. Yeah, no lifeguard. But it's the one that's's not a lifeguard at, though, because it's such a shallow pile of snakes. Yeah, no lifeguard, but it's the one that's safest to take your kids to. Right, of course, for the same reason.

But they still shouldn't run around. Don't run. Yeah, definitely don't dive in those snakes. Two shallow. And also, I don't know how to tell you this. A lot of people pee in those snakes. In? They pee in the snakes? Oh, yeah.

Guys, this is just a rock I found it's a very nice rock and I love rocks so thank you very much for the gift but it's not even the nicest rock I've ever found oh well you didn't have to say that it's got this other note on this rock that says this is definitely the coolest rock I've ever found I did not lose that rock oh I, I thought I threw that note out. I was just on the other side of this paper. Seems like you really workshop in this rock. Do you want to get back to us on it? Yeah, I'll get back to you on that.

Yeah, come back to us when that rock has a tight five notes on it. You blemish. Tell me the secrets you've learned from the other real blemish. Tell me so that it helps me approaching it closer to the Dark Lord and defeat him once and for all. And enjoy coconut. So there is no secret to defeating the Dark Lord. He can't be defeated. You're an idiot for trying.

Every time you try and do some long drawn out plot driven thing, it never works out for you. What makes you think it's going to work out this time? I gotta feel it. I can't wait to get back to that pile of snakes and get my bath. That's where I like to pee and then bathe in that order. Lemish, can I ask you a really random question?

Like, I just can help the questions? Yes, absolutely. Okay, like, what's your favorite color? Ah? Black. How do you defeat the dark lord? No way impasse Sorry, I thought that was correct. I'm really sorry very good. Whoa guys wait look at this rock It's a known on it that says use this to defeat the dark lord That ink all over your hands. Oh, yeah, that was there from something different. Oh a squid? Squid got on me, yeah.

Well, let's, I mean, let's keep that rock in our bag. You should want to take this. Yeah, you guys can keep that. Oh yeah. Thank you very much, Rob. We'll definitely keep this rock. I'm sure it will be integral to the plot. Look, everybody, we can't pump carfouin blemish for information.

Carfouin blemish was not drawn by blemish. He was drawn by Arnie. He only knows as much about what blemish knows, his Arnie knows. A fuck, Arnie's never paying attention. I know. The only question then is, did Arnie draw carfouin blemish to be ultimately evil? Or did he draw him with some possibility of redemption? Wait, what?

Sorry, this is as confusing as when I rented an apartment. It was like, as a tenant, I was just like so confused, unbelievably confused. Am I landlord thought it was like it looked cool, the apartment look cool, which I guess it did? But as a tenant, I was just so confused. And beforehand, you were like, I really wanna be a tenant. Yeah, I'll play whatever. Yeah. Now you're like, really?

That was it? Yeah. Momo didn't see it. Nope. Nope, sorry. I saw that apartment and enjoyed it, but also like, really? Not a lot of details to latch on to about it, really.

Sorry, you enjoyed that apartment. Mm-hmm. Really? Not a lot of details to latch on to about it really. Sorry, you enjoyed that apartment. Really? Not a lot of details to latch on to is exactly what's inside blemish's mind. Momo walks right by that apartment. Momo is acknowledged its existence and said, why would I do that to myself? And we're off. I've always slept outside. Remember an attempt? I don't like being in close quarters like that. Even as the king of Fingeria, you slept outside?

Yeah, it was my choice. I slept under the stars. I dreamed better that way. I mean, he has a point ever since he got on board our boat. He's kind of straddling the side of the boat with one foot in the water and one foot on the deck. So it checks out. It's really keeping us from sailing straight. Oh, should I? Should I get all the way on?

He's just going to start the boat. Yeah, you just get in. OK, it's fine. I'm going to get all the way on. There we go. Oh, oh, Crom. Now that you're completely on the boat, I shouldn't warn you.

This boat, the SS Stephanie, is entirely... ...beared by bears. I was going to say manned by bears, but I know that's wrong. Crude? Would you say crude? Crude by bears, yes. The crew is comprised of bears. They're crude, too.

That's why I like them. By the Almighty's, a kefiron. You're saying this ship is crude by bears? Yes, I know you have a predilection for bears, so I just wanted to warn you in case that was Triggering or if you were you know on the rebound or something. I just I just wanted you to know They've got these cute little sailor hats and it'll make you laugh. Oh, yeah, it's making me do something. That's hype for sure. Yeah, I don't know if he'll laugh at that, honestly. Oh, sorry.

Look at these bears, look at them go! Oh, they're doing human things. Yeah, well, they're doing ship things. I thought that's exclusively human- Put them in sales. Look at those bears, Ped- Stroke. Stroke.

Stroke. Stroke. Oh, careful, Iish is having a stroke. I like to go down and help them keep their rhythm as they row. No. Oh, those bears are paddling a ton. I've never seen so many paddling a ton bears.

I like paddling a ton bears too. Paddling a ton bears are so underrated. Mama walked right by that one too. Momma, what do you not walk by? Like, what's the thing that catches your interest? Well, Momma's been busy. Let's see. What?

Exactly. I think of one though. When it comes up. Oh, Momma, can I talk to you for a second? If you're going to say exactly, make sure you say X, exactly, and not eggs, Momo, can I talk to you for a second? If you're going to say exactly, make sure you say X, exactly and not eggs, exactly, because Chant recently got some news about Aiki, baby.

And I don't want him to be reminded of that. Can you just walk me through this again? Yeah. Chant has a little egg son. Chant has a baby sort of that might be the remains of his husband that blew up after their wedding. Tuesday door. Correct. Okay, this is why we have to hang out more because I show up and then Chantez and Egg's son and I'm going like

what? Yeah. That's what I did that in school. I had to carry around an egg for a little while as a little test. So, one more gets it. Yeah, it's a lot like that, except I think this egg is some take going to turn into some sort of magical being that maybe destroys us all. I don't know.

We'll find out. Hey, I thought I heard one of you say egg, but I will say I don't know if there's time. Sands was just kind of fluttering a little bit, so I think that means that we have to take a quick break. Sands, is that right? All right, we'll be right back. Alright, so we're all sailing to our maybe imminent demise, but I'd love to catch up with everybody. Like, look, I know last time I saw you Momo it wasn't me but still what do you been up to? Kick back legs lay back don't sunglasses well I'm glad that you

asked so I'm like I'm doing good I thought this was my vacation I used all my PTO on this I definitely won't present you guys later for that Arnie what's it like like not being Arnie? Oh, here's the thing. I know consciously that I'm not Ernie, that I am just a construct of him. Sure. But I also like M compelled to trick people constantly and pull switcheroo's. So here's the way that you tell a believable lie. You believe it. So I just keep trying to believe that I'm Arnie. And it gets easier over time. Like sometimes I even forget that I'm not the real Arnie.

I feel like I'm having some pretty intense day javu because the last time Momo was high, Momo was like, Momo was just a constructive momo. And if Momo believes the lie that Momo is Momo, then it's easier to be momo. So I get this. I get whatever this is going on with you and I love it. So momo, when you were really high and you thought maybe you were a construct like, what made this momo construct? Holy shit. You're getting me right back there and I gotta tell you,

I'd delay in bed for three days and eat only cheese while I stared at the wall to recover from that. Well, for a mouse, I don't think eating only cheese is terribly atypical. You don't get it. Momma's a foodie now. Ooh, details. So Momma lives in different foods. She eats different foods.

She eats like food that other animals are supposed to eat. It's pretty exciting. Do you eat the food that you live in, or is that two separate things? Yes, I do. Sometimes if you go like, well, that was fun. It's sort of like camping experience, where like once you're done,

then you eat the little house. I'm almost ate in a gingerbread house, and that was pretty nice. Oh wow, speaking of camping, do you ever, do you ever shit where you eat? No, because I'm not an animal. I mean I'm an animal, but you just... Um, and I will say though when I was at that snake pile, that was kind of a dark week for me, because we all know what they eat and I participate in it. Their own ass?

Whoa! No! Do- oh well yeah! Sometimes, but that's just that's not for food. It's not for session. That's the sudden message. Yeah, and horror boris is a snake eating its own ass. Famously. What are we talking about? And you said that was a dark time? I just moment ate a little bit of mouse, you know. You ate a little bit of mouse. Mouse. Did you eat yourself or a different mouse? Yeah, I took a little bite of me. It was bad. I did not taste good, but I think that's because Momo doesn't get enough nutrition. Oh my gosh, everyone look at this.

I found, Mom's got this tiny little book in her bag and it's called Bites of Me. Oh, and there's poetry in here. Hey, give it back! Oh, come on! Don't read it out loud and have everyone listen to it. No, don't. Don't read my poems, don't read. Why are you pushing the book back into my hand?

Please, don't read it. Do everyone here's my poem. You're turning it to page 194. Hi, back then. Hi, I'm there. And start there. And use your breath. Really tell it.

Well, Mom, I was gonna say, I don't know if you know this, but Crom famously writes a lot of poetry. What? I mean, he's a man. Oh yeah, it's true. Yeah, he keeps the dream journal a lot in his dream journal. But it's very poetic, yes, in nature. Yeah, I'd love to hear some of your stuff.

Wow, see, I'm feeling better about the mixing of the friend groups. Although, but I must just keep staring off into the distance. You wanna come sit with us? I'm fine. There's plenty of room over here. Hi. Hi as hell.

Hi, I'm Momo. Cheese. Say cheese. Don't just say it. Eat it. Be cheese. Cheese, please. On your knees, cheese. Say cheese. Don't just say it. Eat it. Be cheese. Cheese. Please. On your knees. Cheese. Still high. Licking in bed. My head. Almost dead.

That's all I got. Wait, was that a lot of stuff? You stopped halfway through. Read the line after that's all I got. I feel like I'm not capturing your voice. Here you read it. Oh. You know, this is too much mama. This is too much mama. How about you read me one of your journal poems?

Oh sure, yeah. I've been spending so much time at swimming around. I have some ocean team one. I can try that here. Yeah. So were you swimming and riding poetry while you were swimming? Uh, yeah. I was uh, yeah.

Why is that hard to picture? Wait, hold on a second before you read. Wait, if you didn't know you were going to meet us, where the hell were you swimming to? Eww. Yeah, so. Where the hell were you swimming to? Eww. Yeah, so... I, uh, I've been on a bit of a... The truth always starts with, yeah, so...

So this is definitely gonna be the truth. My dream journal was actually stolen. Oh! Trying to recover it. My dream journal was actually stolen. Oh! Trying to recover it. It's a third thing at least they said stolen. Oh that's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear. Yes, I had a very brief

dalliance with a... I went outside my comfort zone. I was trying to look beyond bears and I had a little sad with a sea lion. I thought it was. Yeah, I know.

You're looking at me, you're like, Crom, a sea lion guy, I didn't see that, but I'm telling you what happened. No, I get it, the whiskers tickle. I get it, moment gets it. Oh yeah, yeah, she gets it. I feel like we're vibing, we're becoming friends. Totally. Yeah, totally, yeah. Blimey, do you get it? I, she gets it. I feel like we're vibing we're all becoming friends. Yeah, totally yeah, blamash do you get it?

I don't get it get over here. So you start getting it. Oh god. There's always one person Isn't it just one guy who's like I'm tired. I'm going back to the room Dude, Crumb. I feel like your type is very large and screams very loud. Yeah, exactly. So I was intrigued by the sea lion. I saw it was barking up on this rock, being kind of confrontational.

And yeah, so we hooked up. It was pretty great. I thought it was a one time thing, but then when I got back to land, I realized my dream journal was gone, and then I realized what was really happening. And, Crom, can I ask, before you mention how you hooked up with the sea lion, you looked out at the open sea, and then you looked at your palm. It was...

Were you lying down? I was fantastic. I know for the question. So you've recently had an affair with a sea lion. You've had many objects stolen from you recently. I have a hypothesis, Crom. And tell me if I'm wrong. Did you just drop a bunch of shit in the ocean?

Oh, yes, that did happen. Okay, yeah. You cut to my core, you said, or... I have the wisdom of a wizard. You remind me a lot of dream, you said, or... Oh, thank you. I assume you like dream, you said, or better, since you proclaimed him to be one of your best friends. I do, yes, exactly. Oh, thank you. I assume you like dream you sort of better since you proclaimed him to be one of your best friends. I do. Yes, exactly. Okay. Well, let's get that starting trip. Did everyone we did a sign in a Vistach, right?

Mm-hmm. Okay, great. We locked it in. Blumish, have you ever ridden a poem? Trying to include him? Trying to get happy about this vacation? I don't know. No one really ever wants to hear my poems. I know! That's fair.

That's here, Ed. Don't we go up to hear it? What was that, Ed? Please. Oh, fuck, he's pulling out a huge scroll. Ah, here we go. Oh, good Jeffy's bringing us another round of drinks. Where did he pull that scroll from? Yeah, that scroll come from Thank you Jeffy babies for the drinks. We have a rapport with Jeffy the bear waiter. He enjoys us

Wow, Mama kiss him on both cheeks very exotic. He thinks my jokes are funny. Yeah, we're not exhausting him at all He won't let me call him Jeffy. He makes me call him Jeffrey. I don't know what that's about. I apologize if my scroll smells like Ocean Spray. Let's see. Mm, duck, duck, duck, not this one, not this one. Oh, it does smell like Ocean Spray. He must have crammed buried that up his ass. Chines.

Best idea has come from? Let's see. Oh, let me put this, I'm going to put this scroll back and I'm going to make up one on the spot. How about this one? Ready? Oh, improv, no thank you. Yes, yes.

Ah, there once were a group of adventurers led by Arnie, the car-foon, who's drawn from his head. We were all on a ship, on a dangerous trip, and no one came back because you all ended up dead. Wow, the old A-A-B-C-D, right? I think when you hear that back you'll get a BBA friends. Yes. Ooh, I love Abba. If you change your mind, let me know, because take a chance on me instead. Oh, yeah, go ahead, mum. Off to dumb. Oh, I didn't mean to step myself up for that. But here we go. Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance do? We go on a sledding vacation together. We save Aggie Baby, and we just have a grand old time traveling around food, you can be part of that.

Why wouldn't you want to be part of this new friend group? Ah, every time I feel like I am with you all, you're keeping me around, hoping that I'm going to turn into something that I'm not What if I'm just a gross pervy Carfoon of an even grosser Pervia

Half-dwarf. Well, who told you that? I What other people tell you are you don't have to be a lot of people tell me I'm a washed up Fucking joke of a wizard who's never accomplished anything in the 300 plus years he's been alive but I don't believe that for one second. Well to be fair you said or and I think you're great but we're going to fight the Dark Lord and you decide to bring a mouse, a carfoon who's kind of evil and then another carfoon who is actively evil like it's like we're bringing more help

for the other side to the volcano. And you've had a lot of time to think about this, too, really, like maybe too long a time to think about this. What is that? Yeah, about crumbs here. You haven't even had accidents. By accident, yeah. You just, yes.

I was just having to be swimming in this part of the sea. Exactly. Wasn't a happy accident. It's meant to be swimming in this part of the sea. Exactly. Wasn't happy accident. It's meant to be. It's kismit. Momo thinks that Momo was a good choice for a rescue party, but if you don't believe Momo, that I could go. Momo, there's no one I need here more than you right now.

You shall be the linchpin that is sure as our victory. No, I, I get it. I didn't even pack my linchpin. I didn't pack my sword. I didn't pack any of my armor. It's terrible. You don't have any of that stuff? No, I gotta have to wear my like fun sun dresses and my big old sun hat. It says, it says, just, it says, rosé on my son hat. I'm embarrassed. Oh, you guys, look at Momo. She cried so many tears.

She made a little puddle and now she's floating on a little leaf on top of her own tears. Oh, I know it's cute. Someone painted. And if you do paint it and you do post it on Twitter, hashtag magic cavern. I imagine. I don't want it drawn, I want it painted. I want it watercolor. Yeah, you have to wet a brush.

You could do a car-foon. Why don't we do a car-foon? No more car-foons. Blemish, I wanted to say, you know, we're all evolving dynamic characters. I mean, look at me. My whole thing was that I love bears. And who knew that I would also love sea lions?

Oh, alright. I'm willing to give it a chance and see what happens when we get there. Let's just get there and see what happens next. Wow, that's a pretty open mind. That's as open as it gets. See what happens next. Bravo, blemish, that's the way to think. That's the spirit that's going to kill the dark lord. We got nothing. Let's all go around and gonna kill the Dark Lord. We got nuts, hang on. Let's all go around and let's talk about what we bring to the table.

I'll start, oh yeah. My name is Chant, I'm a shape shifter. I can shape shift into all kinds of stuff, not just animals that can be dangerous and big and scary, but also any type of creature, a lot of objects, like a little volcano, although that makes me get hot blood. So I'm able to shape shift into almost anything. So if we come up against like an army of evil minions

of the Dark Lord, you could, like what would you transform into for that situation? Ooh, if it's an army of minions, I may be transformed into like quicksand, maybe, maybe like multiple beds, so they see that neon and get tired and lay down, and then it's me, and then I shape shift back, and then they're inside of me. Gross.

Although I don't know if I can shape it into multiple things, because one time I was in earthworm, and I got cut up, and I was like, ooh, now's my chance to become multiple churns, but then when I tried to become multiple badgers, I was just dismembered body parts. So that didn't work out. So I don't know if I can be multiple beds. Multiple of anything's not really that fun.

Says the copy of blemish. Copy of blemish, carflemish, what do you bring to the table? Well, I'm small, I'm a half-dwarf, so I can probably get into small places. Okay. I'm revolting physically and morally, so I have no compunction about doing anything for anyone at any time, and most people are repulsed by me. Say what you want about Carfrey and Blenish, he is self-aware. Kafarney, what do you bring to the battle? Here's the thing, I'm like a dweller on both sides, right? Like I'm here because I tricked you guys and I was working with the dark Lord. So when I get there, they might think I'm on their side and not realize that I'm pulling

a switcheroo. Or even if they suspect I could tell them, hey don't worry, I'm pulling a switcheroo on these guys. And before you know it, I'm killing you, of Roo, or even if they suspect I could tell them, hey, don't worry, I'm pulling a switch of Roo on these guys. And before you know it, I'm killing you, Siddore, and nobody saw a common. Oh, sorry, I shuddered every time you said a switch of Roo. I once ran into a kangaroo that was holding a branch off a tree, and it just beat the shit out of my ass. Why do you keep telling that story? Crom, I think it's pretty obvious, but tell everyone what you bring to the table to the battle.

I am obviously very strong and skilled warrior, but I want to say that my best thing that I could bring to the table is I'm a powerful empath. Ooh! And I really, you know, connect with people. Yeah. And, you know, can, can, when they are going through a hard time, I can really kind of, um, sit in it with them and get, and get to know them really well. Yeah. Impats famously do well in battle. If you can change just one dark heart, then you've done your job. Yeah. Who says we need to kill the dark heart then you've done your job. Yeah who says

we need to kill the dark lord to defeat him you know. Yeah maybe we just need to understand the dark lord. That's beautiful buddy that is beautiful. Momo what you bring to the table? Yeah my mom was looking through her bag here to see what she brought to the table. Let's see sunscreen, diving rings, howl, oh my gosh, tankinis. Why did I pack so many tankinis? Okay, well, Momo didn't bring anything useful, but I have human strength, so that exists. I have a lot of moxie, and I have a best friend named

Joway on who's a woodpecker. Can you contact that woodpecker and get her to come? Yeah, if I scream loud enough, can someone hoist me up a little bit further up on the boat really quick? Oh yeah, I get you. Oh, thank you. Joanne! Joanne! Did you go up there for a better signal?

Yeah. Hey, Joanne! Joanne! Did you go up there for a better signal? Yeah. Hey, Joanne! Hey! Do you want... Okay! Uh-huh? Okay. Okay, I can't talk.

Okay, love you. Bye! Did you connect with her? No. I don't want to bring the mood down. And as much as I hate to agree with Cartoon Blenish, there is a chance we're all sailing to our deaths. Are any of you afraid of what might happen when we get to that volcano? Um, yeah, I guess, I guess if I stop to think about it,

I'm absolutely fucking terrified, and we'll surely die? Yeah, I guess if I stop and think about that, that's my feeling. Death is just another adventure, and Momo is terrified. Could you historically hate Earth's afraid of adventure? Oh, count me out on adventures.

Hell no. You walk by every adventure. Oh yeah, I go with 17 gold now for an adventure? No, thank you. And Crom, isn't your biggest weakness, Death? Yeah, once I'm dead, I've like can barely fight anymore. Oh, I noticed the term you used. Yes, barely fight, which means that I've trained some bears

to pick up my dead body and reanimate it. They kind of pick me up and carry me around and make you look like I'm still alive to so I can fight. Wait, bears reanimating you. Oh, my gosh. That means that there's the existence of whizz bears. Kaffarney, I wish you were the real Arnie.

This is an exciting moment to realize that in Foon, I thought I knew everything of all the nooks and crannies in Foon, but there's whizz bears, isn't that exciting? Yeah, whizzered bears, I guess, or bears that, I mean, I guess they could be neck rope bearers or what are some other turns? Oh, no. They're not, they're not bear jissons.

They're just, they're just picking me up and they kind of, you know, they'll like put their paw through my sleeve and stuff like that to like make me wave. Oh, they're not casting a reanimation spell on me as much as they're puppeteeteering. So they prop you up on their knee, like on their bare knee? Yes, like over the weekend, they prop you up on their bare knee. Yeah, it's, yeah, you could say it's kind of like a just a weekend of bare knees. Mama walks right by that one. Sort of understand it through pupp culture references. Don't feel the need.

Yousador, did you want to, did you want to tell us what you bring to the battle? I bring the wisdom and knowledge of centuries, of angels and human form, of the cries of the goddesses themselves demanding that there must be a champion. I bring forth this obsidian sword and these obsidian balls, and I ensure that that dark lord shall be dead once and for all, not but a bowl of light flying towards the heavens once I destroy him finally. Hell yeah. Well if by chance we get there, and it's worse than we suspect, which is probably true,

and we all die, I will be proud to die fighting next to most of you. All right. Why did you, you were kind of looking around the circle, making eye contact with everyone, and then when you got to me in the circle, you went back around the other way. Oh, now you want to be included. Yeah, Arnie, why'd you look around the circle?

And then when you got to Cartoon Blemish, you shook your head, no. Put your hand up to the side your face and gestured to the rest of us, not him. What is that? I don't understand. I couldn't see what he did on the other side of his hand, but I assumed it was something like that. John, I was doing that behind my hand. Well, hands aren't walls. What am I supposed to think? Yeah, now we all know.

Blemish, I want you to open your heart for a moment. And take this in. I... love you. I love you as I love all the creatures of food. Good or evil. And I'm here to fight for them all for a better future. That's right.

We all love you, Blemish. And we all chipped in and got you this rock. What? Yeah. Take the notes off. Take What? Yeah. Take the notes off. Take the notes off. Take the notes off. Oh. It's a really special one of a kind rock.

Here we go. Let me write a new note. Let me just rock. Blemish is rock. Oh, my God. It's blemish is rock. How did you find this, Crab? It was on a store in Fingeria. I collected money from all these guys and they

Kipped in and I love getting credit for our gift. I didn't pay for Chrome say that again, but start with yeah, so yes, I know this is true Yeah, so there's this special rock store in Fingeria that has got me true. One of a kind rocks. Wow, checks out. Alright, blemishes rock, everyone. I can't thank you enough for chipping in to buy me this rock. That's my rock. It's my rock now. This's my this is blebish. Just rock. Okay, stop saying rock buddy We're gonna remember this vacation for the rest of our lives Rock and roll rock rock. I will all will all remember it this rock because of the vacation We were all on together

I never gonna die. Whoo hey everybody raise, raise your drinks high. Two us! Wait, where'd you get a drink from? Two us. I got one from Jeffrey. We're on a boat. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! There's nothing like teetering on the very precipice of danger, and then doing a travel episode. Do you remember how Snape pointed his wand at Dumbledore? Time stood still, and then someone said,

would we all want to walk to this little ice cream place I know down by Hogsmeade? And they all did that for three hours? Tight has a drum storytelling. Use it or the wizard was played by Math Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfie. Well, look who took a break from writing 2,000 word as a father of Daughter's essays for LinkedIn, and flexed the old, needlessly sexual, distracted support muscles. Blemish the Carphone was played by Martin Wilson.

Momo the mouse with human strength was played by Aaron Keith. Check out Aaron's very funny podcast, Hey Riddle Riddle. Crom the Fingarian was played by Mark Logsden. The perfectly competent but politically outmatched CEO of Italy was played by Avery Mabel. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah. Post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Special assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Sea Shanty music by Arnie Parrott. Well, another amount of that garlic bread bedazzled hell. The security sensors I placed around the institute should function again. Goodness code red. And code aqua. And code gray? Oh, that's right, I programmed my threat levels in complimentary colors. But what could have sent that place into such a level of alert? I might actually need some reinforcements. I know. I'll send a transmission to someone with the intellect and prowess to triumph over whatever awaits. Yeah, scratch that. I'll send a transmission... ...to Craig.

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