Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 11 – Wizard with a Crossbow (w/ Felicia Day and Colton Dunn)

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Jyn'Leeviyah the Red Wizard is back and she has a talking crossbow. Together they're going to kill some people.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJyn'Leeviyah the Red: Felicia DayDeMonte the Talking Crossbow: Colton DunnBungaree Chubbins: Tom GottleibLincoln: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, this is Lincoln. My boss, the mysterious consultant guy, he called in sick today, but I've been training for this day where I'd substitute intro. Okay, I have a checklist. Now, first, lie to the listener and tell them that the following podcast is not real, that it's a work of fiction. Thus avoiding a crisis situation if the people have very figured out how dangerous they're closed, the dimensions are to our own okay.

Check. Second, say something snarky. Oh boy. I bet Arnie smells weird. Eh, close enough. Check. Third, do a quick ad read that a later cut out and replace with the sound effect for stitcher premium. Okay, do a quick ad read that a later cut out and replace with the sound effect for

Stitcher Premium. Okay, here we go. If you get Stitcher Premium, you can listen to Magic Tavern episodes without ads, but much more importantly, you get access to all the exclusive Magic Tavern spin-offs like Earth Games. The most recent episode is a live show from GenCon where they played a game of Werewolf with some of the cast of Neo-Skum. A lot of words I didn't understand in that sense.

And starting October 10th, there will be weekly episodes of Behind the Tavern, where the cast talk and tell stories about making the show, starting with an episode with Steve Waltean, who plays Tom Blaine Bellaroth. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to StitcherPremium.com slash magic and use the promo code magic. Alright, check and check. Alright Lincoln, you didn't mess up. Good job.

Now, just start the podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never looked more of a tent, that's right. You know, I think the name hello from the Magic Tavern, it's magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to more of a tent, that's right. You know, I think the name hello from the magic tavern, it's more kind of like, I'm glad to be going on.

Let's change the name. Wait, what were you? I think we can keep the same name, but isn't really all of life a magic tavern? Mm-hmm. You never know where the magic is gonna come in. Okay. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the magic is gonna come in. Okay, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, there's everything you need to know. About four and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal

that even I don't understand how I'm still getting now as we travel around food. But it emails, I'm sure. We'll get emails about that. Yeah, I use that Wi-Fi to upload a podcast. I record every week chronicling our adventures to defeat the Dark Lord. And I am joined as always by my co-generals, co-leaders of this army that we have inherited that we're going to use to defeat the Dark Lord. Chump the Talking Badger. Oh yeah baby, how you doing buddy? Good, you know I've been practicing, you brought it up a while ago, but ever since you said you were

keening, I've been trying to also keen. Yeah, I guess I don't know what it is. Yeah, I mean I think I mostly know what it is, I think it is kind of like a sad whale, you know, so like it lost its pod or something. Oh no, I mean like a whale, I So it lost its pod or something? Oh no, I mean like a whale. I mean, it's not spelled with a WH. It's spelled with a WH. But yeah, just kind of like keening,

like just sort of looking off in the distance and thinking about things lost or things not attained and going, Oh, no. I'm up here now. Oh, I like that. It's fun to keen. You know what, I think we're a keentine.

We're the keentine, yeah. Nothing to keen about just like doing. I know, but you know what, sometimes it's good just to kind of like feel emotions. Just kind of rev them up even if you're really not feeling them. It's good, just sometimes think, what would it be like if I had access to my emotions? Yeah, sometimes I just cry. What?

Sometimes I just cry. For real things are just to like see what it looks like when you're looking at them here. Just to see if I can do it. I mean, my husband did explode, but. Oh, yeah. So that's a little sore, but I try not to access those emotions. We don't talk about it a lot, but I'm not sure if it's something you want to talk about. It's not.

Okay, good, good, good, good, good, ho. Anyway, I am also joined by my other co-general, Usador the Wizard. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Minimumulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, The elves know me as fear and yalak, The dwarves know me as so-nin' in hook stungies, And I am known in the North East as gas-wingiest maestar, And there may be other secret names,

Oh dear, not speak these names aloud, Lest you wish your nipples to grow three inches long. But what if I do wish? Good! Alright, say it. Scrumps. Whoa! Damn, scrumps is one!

Scrumps is one. Damn it, now my nipples go. Just look, there's a thing. Don't keep repeatedly saying it. Is it an accumulative effect? Scrumps. Yup, they're six. Say spurx. Spurx. Now they're nine. Oh, it's scrumpsubs. Yup, they're six. Say spurx.

Spurx. Now they're nine. Oh. It scrubs backwards. Oh, I said it again. Oh, it goes. Oh, now your nipples are inverted. Now one is going one, one, one is going the other.

Well, I don't care about my nipples right now. My eyes still won't grow back. That's right. A sorcerer shot a green laser into your eye, and now you've got kind of a green glowing empty socket. It's starting to grow here. Look, real close. It's starting to grow back a little bit. It's just slower than usual. I'm kind of scared to look directly into your green laser eye.

I think it might hurt my eye. Terry magicked you in the fucking face scrumps. To be fair, I asked him to. Yeah, that's fair. That guy's, oh man, we need him on our side for sure. When he flies, it's invincible. That's so cool. What a power.

If I had to choose any power, it'd probably be being invincible. I feel like it comes in handy. It's a good power. Yeah, a good power. Are you're mostly invincible? Oh. Basically immortal. Try to emulate me, stab me, drown me, and watch me continue to live, as I do stride forward

with sword and staff in hand, ready to strike down all those who would hold up evil! If I could have any power, I think I'd have invisible hands. Ooh, what would you do with them? Why just a hand? I don't know, I think, you know, I'd just keep them in my pockets and only I would know. Wait, if you put your hands in your pockets, aren't they invisible? I know, but no one knows.

It's just a little, it's just for me. I would just want it to be something for me. Hmm. Hmm. That's very, um, impractical. It's not impractical. What's impractical about it? Well, it doesn't help you in any way. That's just not useful.

What? It doesn't mean it's not... Practical? It's not impractical. It doesn't matter. How dare you! It has no purpose. It has no meaning. It's just for you to think about your invisible hands. It's entirely self-serving. When we must find a way to stop being self-serving

in these times of great need, we must all stand up and fight for goodness where there we are loud. We must go forth. They're not terrible people. If I had a power, if I could choose a power, I guess I do have a power, my shipship driver. If I had a power, I think it'd be like

to climb ladders better. I feel so awkward climbing ladders. Yeah, you look so weird. Like I keep it every wrong I look down and I'm just like, am I, you know, and I feel safe because I'm not that far off the ground, but I just feel like if I could climb ladders. And like every shape you've been,

there's just a different way that it's real weird to watch you climb a ladder. Yeah, because my balance shifts, you know, like my center of gravity shifts. Yeah, yeah, and my equal liberium. You're looking for inspiration and finding it in each other's arms. He did a full rotation. Wow.

Welcome back, bud. Well, yes. I gave a wonderful speech, inspiring the troops. Some of them even looked up at me. Oh, well, it's for them to decide if it was wonderful. You shouldn't call your own speech wonderful. All right. Oh, and used it or before I forget, I just

wanted to say, fuck you. Someday, I'm going to get invisible hands, and it's going to be gonna be useful and it's gonna be like probably like a big plot point in the Save something important to be fair any plot point is a big plot point on our show because there's no Fair enough. What's going on with these troops? Are they eating? I feel like there's more dropping dead every day Yeah, we don't really have enough food for this army like guys I saw two of them high five and both their arms flew in opposite directions. First one, this is a bad army. But also too, running an army is hard. Yeah, right. I thought it was all just going to be inspiring speeches,

but you have to like feed them and answer their questions and like tell them they're not going to die. Perhaps we can feed their souls by telling them great stories of glory and grandeur and triumph. I'm going for them fighting for goodness. Can I tell you something I've been doing and I feel real, I just want to get it off my chest. Sure, sure, sure. They've been giving me letters to give through to the loved ones

and I've just been burning them. Oh, what? Burning them? Yeah, just because I don't know how to get those letters out. So I just burn them and I say they got sent. Oh, you know what? I got to be honest with you, Chant. When they give me those letters, I just hide them in the woods. Burning makes a lot more sense, because some of them

have been finding each other's letters out in the woods. And they've got a lot of questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm good souls. These sweet fans of brothers and sisters, high-fiving till the end. You said it over before I forget, book you, getting visible hands.

Oh, you're holding up two middle fingers towards you, so door one day, we won't be able to see that. Yeah, one day I'll be like, you don't know what gesture I'm gesturing at you. But we can intuit it's two middle fingers. I think I'll know. Well, we can extract one. Yeah, wait, what's that wind?

It was a wind blowing in through the flaps of the tent dramatically? I smell... Cursons? Uh? I smell ribs. Whaaat? I am...

Genlevia! Wizard of the Sixth Realm of Ephesias, Mistress of Nature and Nurture, Reviver of the Springs of Gold! Muggett, Seer of the prophecies of the Thames of Miss... Kaper of the Sacred H gold? Muggett, the seer of the prophecies of the times of Miss Kipper of the Sacred Homes of Dave Rell, and two time wizard choice of word nominee.

The elves, Nomi, is paramount, so is Flurry. The vampires, Nomi, is beyond say bloodless. Formation. Yeah, the tree broke, Nomi is Opelvahn, which, and upon the eye of Megas, I am known as you Gostasavista. And ask me of mine other names that I shongle headly share. ALL MY CHILD, HEY, WHAT'S UP, GUYS, YOU FUCKED IT! Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no've gathered an army, we destroyed the weapon back in Hogsface, and saved all the people there while doing so.

We've done a great boon to boon. We've launched the podcast into a third season. And that helps this world howl? Well, okay, to be fair, the podcast almost destroyed Earth at the end of season two, but I still believe that someday the podcast will help save Foon and the entire multiverse second only to the power of my eventual invisible hands. What? I don't know what that's referencing.

I was just, I was just saying that someday I would like to have invisible hands with it. What a stupid thing to wish for. Well, you know what? Before I forget. Fuck you someday. Oh my god, you're gonna put up with that. How dare you? Now you may say something so salacious to me,

but to the sweet lady, Genelevia, once my beloved lover, I shall not stand for it. I shall strike you down right now. Well, wait, I have to prepare yourself to die. Before I forget, fuck you, fuck you, whose name? Oh, well, well, you're not gonna kill Arnie. I'm gonna... I turn into a whale. W-A-I-L. Where am I? Where am I? Oh? Now he gets her into concepts

Well, I appreciate your offering to kill Arnie here, but I'm here to kill all of you so Hello, what she just pulled out a crossbow and it talks my name is Demante I'm a crossbow. Demante that crossbow? What has brought you here with Genelevia to destroy us? We only wish to destroy evil? Okay, well I shoot arrows out. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Some of them got fire on them. Some of them got ice on them. Oh my gosh fire eyes. Which arrow you shoot? I had to come back to being in badger because I want to see this this is awesome Yeah, yeah, yeah, hi. I'm Chuck. Don't what was it? Demante? Demante

Demante Genelevia why are you pointing to montailletus? Well, I wanted you to admire he's quite a epic artifact and I acquired him in the caves of Jommadjo Yeah, and Jommadjo Jommadjo the caves I've always wanted to go to the caves of John the Joe

Well, they're in the very very north of the planet and people rarely live because that is so cold I envelop myself in the skin of many children who a small muskrat children Oh basically a whole population of talking muskrats. I had to murder the whole population and I made myself a cloak that is very beautiful And I Pedantry to the caves population and I made myself a cloak that is very beautiful and I Pedantry to the caves and I got you know democracy here Because I was sent by the wizards guild to murder all three of you so some last words before I send whatever bolt Oh wait the wizard's guild We I never had a chance to form the wizard's guild. Yes, and how many Eons was that ago? How many months did I leave you and task you

with that very task? How many? More than a year ago. Wow, it's so like you look up and you're like, whoa, so much time. It's a couple of years ago. Can I ask, how many credits does he need to join the Wizard's Guild?

Do you have enough credits? I don't know. Well, I spied my eye and you're in Neptune, and I decided I needed to create the Wizard's Guild. But of course, you basically ruined the planet. We have a three person wizard guild. It's me, Jamilius, and um, well I'm trying to get Blorth the brown on, but I'm getting Eunice the Echro and she is agreed to be the third. What? Eunice the Echro is she's such a hipster, but she said she usually gets up around 2 p.m.

on a Wednesday and show. The avocado on everything. Everything, right? Everything. Everything. Let's hold on. I don't believe this. Stake. Demontic is not like her.

Mm, water. Avocado. Avocado. A log. Yeah, she put avocado on a log. Strangers. Yup. Yeah, that's everything.

Anyway, by a quorum, we have decided that you three have created an FKOS on this planet, and unfortunately you have to be dispatched. You said, or I will shed it here, and I can't actually dispatch you, but I will, we're going to freeze you. I'll use the icero on you, dude. You would trap me and murder my compatriots when we have formed here this army of grante theroll. Yes, army. Dabont, could you give us survey of the troops and...

Alright, yo, check it out. Second go, I was outside before we came in yeah, before she came in and He can fly by himself. I can fly That seems dangerous But anyway man, I did a quick fly by checking out the troops. It's not good. You guys not looking good We're gonna whip them in the shape. It's just right now. They're pursuing their creative endeavors So they're Love them. They're creating their endeavors. I should I keep giving them very good, very inspiring speeches.

Yeah, man. I caught one of them speeches. I got four people were listening to you. Rest of them were not. The lessons are losing their limbs. There's a pile of about a thousand right art. I told them to stop hiding. Fiving themselves. There's a bunch of letters out in the woods to... Demante. Yeah. Before you murder us. And freeze me, I must ask you.

Okay. Were you once sentient to be, and there was transformed into a crossbow? Yeah. Or you a crossbow bot- Oh, you were. Well, you nailed it with the person. All right. Oh!

Yeah, I used to be, uh, I used to work with the Dark Lord. Whoa! And he cursed you. He has layers, guys. Peel them back cursed you he has layers guys peeled him back to monta has layers oh my gosh this might be the most dynamic character we've talked to in a long time and it's a crossbow yeah he got mad at me cuz uh you know I was slacking off what I was supposed to be doing wait you did say

slacking off right yes like I'm not just checking why no I'm just checking but did you think you said did you just could you say the word? To be fair, Sean has been fired from a lot of jobs for whacking off. Oh, whacking off. No, man, I wasn't whacking off. I was slacking off. I was not jacking off or whacking. Jacking, whacking, whacking, slacking, backing. I was slacking. There was these kids I was supposed to put it into some blades, and I just let them go. He was basically in task with the blade room,

where children would be dropped. So could you just like get this straight? So the Dark Lord has a mat. Oh wait, you weren't a crossbow at the time. That makes sense. At the time I was just a dude, just gotten out of school, first job, and I was like, okay, I work well with kids.

Maybe I could get them to go to the end. You were at your level to be fair. You work well with killing kids. No, like I can get on their level, they want to befriend me and stuff, and we have fun. But again, then he's like put them on these blades and I was like, I don't know if I'm gonna do all that. So I'm like playing, singing songs with him and stuff,

doing animal sounds, all the stuff, like kids like, you know, different animal noises and stuff like that. I mean, I've gotta say, we're kind of start for entertainment out here. I'd love to hear some animal sounds. Oh, yeah, I can ship ship to the animal. All right.

Oh, okay. Well, there's a song that I used to sing called, um, Goblin, Goblin, Goblin, Goblin, had a hovel. La, la, la, la la la la la and in that Havo he had some Horses horses La la la la la la at this point the children would just to get away with throw themselves on the plane Yeah, that's why he was so good at this Yeah, but so what I'm hearing is that you were an entry level minion for the Dark Lord

Yeah, but you loved children too much and the goodness in your heart changed you into a Valiant warrior for good though the Dark Lord cursed you and now you joined forces with Jen leave yet to fulfill your destiny as a heroic warrior I mean, no, I just got lazy. Oh killing the kids. Then a dark war did turn me into this crossbow, but I didn't join anything She just came and got me. I was just hanging out the great general cathode led armies of millions almost well Maybe like yeah, yeah, Kato he he took the Why you just make me laugh thinking of cathode? Oh, you guys had some good times, right? He's so funny you led one of the wings of the dark load and murdered thousands and millions, perhaps.

Oh, yeah. A lot of arrows that day. Yeah. But then so much like that. It's either thousands or millions. What about hundreds of thousands? The attendance. We skip right from thousands to millies, baby.

It's a broad sweat. When you read the epic saga, you just have to generalize as far as the number of zeros behind a number. Anyway, there was a hero who stole Demonte from the general and hid him in the caves north, north, north. That's where I found him and I'm scomped with him. So he is my weapon until he chooses not to be my weapon again and then he can move onto

the map. Yeah, my bounce, you know, sometimes do my, you know. Can you bounce too? No, I mean, like leave, like kind of. I'm trying to understand the language of this planet I'm from another world, sometimes I don't know what is metaphorical and what's literal When I assume it makes an ass Out of you and me

Fuck you Wow, we're about to die on it, you shouldn't we make a medans here before our final moments You're right, before we die you should right, do want you to know that sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings and I push people away by making hilarious jokes or other people's side of their life. I mean, like, it was just like really funny, like so funny.

In my mind, I'm like, if I should- Should I just kill him now? I mean, he's making it very tempting. I wanna hear this joke. Yes, he's making it very tempting. I want to hear this joke Yes, let's hear it joke Okay, um, so What do you get when you combine a person and a horse? Sentaw yeah

Yeah, I guess that's really literally what that is depends on which end you're applying to which end. Yeah. Oh yeah, you're right. What is it if you've got a horse head and a human body? That's amazing. So, let's call the Friday night. Well, Friday night, go get some horse head. Well, if you're lucky, that was a good joke, but I think she made the joke.

Yeah. I just was sitting in fact on the goddess of nature. You've seen me have intercourse with a variety of species Yeah, it's a bummer. I have to watch that Have never heard this I always yeah, you never asked you just do it You just don't have a sex with animals in front of me Well, it's my I am the wizard of nature and nurture I spread my loins and spread joy throughout the land That is just my function as your function is a murder

Okay, she loves nature I'll put you in the chest next time. Okay. I mean when I have to do that rabbit dent tonight I'll just put you in the chest all right, okay great Or I could just you could just let me go somewhere else, you know, I'll come back after you're done He can fly on his own Okay, well, I said I didn't know you wanted your evenings off. We can talk about it. It's not like, you know.

It's not about my evenings off or anything. It's just more about an animal having sex with you is not appealing to me. Guys, this is our chance to escape. They're running amongst themselves. It's really interesting. Demonte, listen, I will give you guys, all three of you, the privilege of picking

what kind of crossbow arrow. He has literally a litany of, he has a tickle arrow, he has an arrow, a color arrow, he has glitter arrows, he has fire, all the, you know, earth. I suggest not choosing the glitter arrows because those will take a while to kill you. And you're just never gonna get that off. But it's such an attractive courtseptible. And did you get these arrows from Kaffee? But it's such an attractive corpse after what happened. And did you get these arrows from Katho?

What was the general's name? Katho. Yeah, Katho. Katho? Yeah, okay. I mean, he's a magical crossbow. He does have to produce them yourself. Yeah, I just like decide which arrow is gonna be

and then it kind of like a bunch of little like sparkles go off around me and then the arrow's just there. Okay, and I'll just do it. and I'll give us a minute to let us Yeah, why don't you guys talk about what I want to do. I might just take like a standard air with like an avocado on top Just cuz that now I'm hungry. I like what a hipster It's good. I mean it's you know, it's also so's all her own clothes and plays the harmonica. Oh, yeah You need to remember you know from do you remember her? Remember yes, of course you had a little bit of a crush on her until she proved to be so

insufferable to know when we date her well, yes, sometimes you do find yourself attracted to those who later you realize they aren't who you really thought they were, but then you look you see the one who is meant for you all along and you say what beauty have I oh looked in this time when I was so enamored with unises Laced tops, you know what you said or I know Genelevia is here to kill us and that's not great But I gotta say you two are just so cute together. I mean a chemistry just sparkle Yeah, it's you so he got your baby bag. I haven't seen you in so long You've been completely loyal to me haven't you? I haven't caught up with you in the dream world or anything yet. Oh tell her about

Grim. What? Grim? Who's Grim? Nothing is happening. What is this? What is this? I said tell her about your perm. No. You got a perm. Magic yourself will turn. What? Oh, would he like my hand? I'm gonna get a grim as I said. It's large. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Sorry, if my rage just murdered several people behind me. I'm so sorry. It's like you're happening in another reality that he just saw into. It's almost like it happened on the internet or something, right? It's more of like an emotional... No, the fines of a tree just straggled 20, 25 people. Oh, no, no, no.

Jelevia, I must beg thine forgiveness for this. Yeah, it did happen in some alternate timeline that we did see. Uh, I have had no relation with Go and Crosse though. We did dance at Chun Sweating. That's basically emotional infidelity. I would rather you- I mean, you know, I will just get by just step in just you know, you shouldn't feel too guilty because she been fucking animals on the daily. This is- Yeah! That is my function. Demonte?

Demonte, yes. We have a complicated relationship. I will grant you. Demonte. Demonte, yes. We have a complicated relationship. I will grant you. Demonte, I'm with you. Wait, I'm just saying. Demonte, if you were dating a cemetery, and the function of a cemetery was to cleave people in half, and you guys cleave together,

just because the cemetery was cleaving on the side, doesn't mean that's part of the cemetery's function. It's not infidelity. I, Arnia, a cemetery is a centaur with a sword for a head. Oh. I could never deny my lady, Ginlevius, true nature. She, who brings so much life and beauty and greenery into this world.

She, who supports those sweet wildlife animals who do scurry through the forest. She, who brings beauty and wonder to life in every aspect of nature. How could I deny her true self? If I were to do this, it would be as if she said to me, you should all, you were not meant to fight evil. You were not brought into this world by a conspiracy of burden, rain, and wind, and fire, meant to destroy the dark lord. If she said that to me, I would be crushed, and I could near crush her in kind.

Okay, man, man. Whatever. But you know, Yusador, she is kind of here saying that she's formed a wizard guild to defeat the Dark Lord, and you're not a part of it. Listen, I put your name up instead of Yurises to be the triumvirate. Although your organizational skills lacked meat, I did put you you up and I have to say that Jamilius was not a fan. Oh no. Jamilius what did can? Jamilius, he was my mentee though. Well you just- He's like one of the few people that likes you. His whole land has been taken over. Oh no. Because of your actions you know it's you you're the fuck-up thing that I referred to early. But to be fair, like, can the wizard, he's great.

Oh, everyone hates can. I shot it down, and even Jamilius was like, I'm so sorry, that was awful, it was like I stabbed myself in the eyeballs. So then we had Blorth and Eunice, and it was kind of a toss-up, and Blorth is such a, you know, I got a lot of E-O, or kind of E-O, or kind of, you know, that kind of down-truck. It's a downer. Downer, so Eunice was kind of the sub.

So together we decided that you guys are screwing up so much i need to kill you and uh... if you guys can find another solution to see our way through this planetary crisis i would be happy to maybe offer an alternate explanation i shall think of some alternate plan but first do you know what a eor is your ony do you think of eor's on your world it is when someone goes oh in, in days of Eor. Yes, oh. Things were so much better.

Oh, Eor days was so much more palatable. You can also use it to shorten the phrase, either or. Oh. Yeah. Do you want a tomato or avocado? Do you have that on your world? And I use that, that was the perfect example. Do you want, so that's short for Do You Want to Made Or Avocado?

I think we should take a short break. Well, I come up with an alternate plan to both defeat evil, appease, genlevia, and save all lives. Wow, that's a lot to put on a break. I'm gonna do both of those three things. Okay, so do your listener while you're listening for a sort of an ad for something? Know that it's a very important period of time when we're really figuring some shit out.

You know, friends, it's your old digestive companion, Bungery Chubbins. Case you've been wondering, I just woke up from my Chubbins sleep. It's a family tradition for Chubbins' to hibernate after a lunar eclipse or when our town's been plundered. After seven months passed out and in army barracks, the first thing I needed was a chamber pot. your massive leavings, come visit Chuban's Chamber Potts and so forth at our new Velzmir location. It's Fox Hole No. 12 and just go ahead and ignore that sign and ain't a latrine. Okay, we're back and you said I'm sure you came up with a perfect plan. I do have a card that I can play if need be.

This is not a time for cards. I don't wish. Right now I wish I had invisible hands. What difference would that make? So that would really solve every single. No, it wouldn't do anything. You said, oh, can you come over here to montagne Iark a little bit forward. And we'd like to maybe speed up this.

Yes, generally, I know you. We have reservations we have reservations tonight. Only one person has picked a arrow Yeah, one or yeah, it was just a normal arrow with avocado. Okay, well healthy. I will pick my arrow Fats as a healthy. I would like to have I want to pick an arrow t-shirt What an arrow t-shirt like I want to pick an arrow shirt. An arrow shirt. Yes. Okay. Well, don't turn Demontan to a T-shirt cannon or something. Yeah, that's really insulting. He's not gonna fling linens at you. That is just I mean you're not even going to die. I'm just going to trap you. I mean it would be exciting. I thought it would be fun. I'd go crazy. I can't do it. I can't do it. Demontan if he wants to be, he becomes just a literal bolt, bolt, bolt, bolt.

He is very efficient at the reload. Oh. Ornie, you should think of something clever where it's like a rubber arrow or an arrow that grants wishes or a-a-a-rowboat. Mm. Well, a robot would still- that hit you that- Yeah, that would be bad. That's the thing is something like a way out of it.

I'm already fucked, but you can still live. Um, I would, uh, maybe a boomerang arrow. Oh, okay, so like an arrow that I shoot and it would come back to me. He's onto you, I think he's onto you. I mean, no. That was probably, I mean, I wanted to actually do that, but that's not my intention,

but oh, I already wished for that. Yeah, but I mean, it's still gonna hit you and then come back to me. That's not gonna kill you first. Oh, that's how the boomerang work. Okay. Uh, the nerf. Let's keep what that is. That was was a nerf. Oh, it's just a thing for my world where it's like a, uh, on my world, uh, people are weirdly invested in playing gunfire, like playing at violence. So, you know, we give kids like soft weapons. You guys have kids with weapons?

Um, a little bit over the top. You have to give kids soft weapons. Kids are the most vulnerable creatures. They need a sharpness. That's ridiculous. They're unarmed there. They're just basically vulnerable to whatever comes along.

Yeah, that's true. And I just hate the phrase soft weapon. Yeah, I didn't like saying it, but it's hard to describe. You know what, when you, you know, none of you would understand that, but like, it's hard to describe all these things about, you're a world.

I can understand softweapons. Oh, yeah. Sometimes I feel so. Oh, no. Oh, no, he's beating. He's beating with humidification. Sometimes, sometimes I think about when I was a man. And I want a return to that. Oh

You wish to return to your human form. Yeah, Gene leave you. Do you know the way to break this curse? Of course I do, but he's never asked before. Oh, I know how to break the curse Yeah, I mean he told me he told me one night I was a little bit Fratinizing with all my inanimate objects and we were having a little bit of a party You know, I mean I have I have she's trying to have sex with me I mean that seems dangerous listen. I was trying to just say just say she knew specifically what kind of arrow She wanted that night, you know, I mean you could be shot with that one if you'd like She I had to shoot her all over her face everywhere. Anyway.

That's the way I like it. Anyway, the only way for me to turn back into a human is for the dark or to be destroyed. Oh, well. And then I'll become a dude again. Well, this works out perfectly. If you don't destroy us here, we've gathered the zombie, granted their mostly independent artists,

working on different songs and plays and things. It's like a freelance, you know, equity, an actor's equity. It's a real mess out there. But there's a guy in the quad with a guitar who's just annoying. It's really bad because so many arms have been lost. They're all new to enliore and guitar players. It's really putting a crimp on the one thing you had going for you, which was an anthem. But if we are to rally this force, then we may be able to defeat that talk, Lord.

If you spare our lives. Oh no, I mean, I think the biggest weakness of this army is actually the three of you. Damn. That is a very keen observation. That's just some real talk. That hurts. That hurts.

It all starts with poor leadership. And I guess we have been inattentive. We've been in, I was gonna say, we've been inattentive, but we've been inattentive. We've been in I was gonna say we've been in attentive But we've been in intent. We've been in a tent on a straight shooter. Yo, yeah literally. I mean, Demonte What would you do? What what you sat in the side arm of great general, Katha? What kind of techniques did you Did you absorb? Well, first of all feeding the army is a good thing

Step number one would be to get some food. If you don't mind, I'm gonna write that one down. Feed the army. I think Gentaro is feeding the army with songs. So that's not gonna work because stomachs are not attached to ears. You would then exchange maybe protection with the local farmers.

It exchange for grain. Yeah, get some grain, make some harmer, get some weapons. That would be, yeah, maybe train on some tactics. I don't think just things that normal things that you would do if you were going to do. Okay, you know, having an army to go into that.

Well, I can't write that fast, so I'm just gonna encapsulate all that with get food. I think it was a little, his string. It was a vibrating with a little bit more passion than I see. Yeah, I get in that stuff. You know what I think about it, I'm like, oh man, I'd be, you know, if I build a band, oh boy, you know.

We haven't been concentrating on trading for grain. I mean, we mostly built the longest road, which is worth something. It's not worth ever- It's not worth something. It's worth something. It's worth like two points. But we do, we're sitting on all this brick

and all this ore. We haven't been trading for a week. I know, we're great. Well, you're in the wrong areas. I would have whipped this army into shape, except that robber keeps sneaking in and robbing. Oh, that's right. And make you robber.

Well, you guys have planted yourself on the only desert in food. I mean, this one spot. Yeah, why would you border on a desert? There's a forest right outside of it. Yeah, nothing gross. Chinlead, yeah. Chinlead, yeah. Three.

I have a wonderful idea. Well, you get your hands away from me. I'm sorry. You cheated on me. I'm still not over that. That is a dangling thing. We're going to have to deal with it. Please.

It meant nothing. I just had something that I was exposed to that it showed me a different path. What was it about her that is more appealing than me? I need to know. Did you notice my crags are back? I did give all those selkes back their coats and I'm not as attractive in the face.

You. Oh, well, and I'm so sorry to butt into this moment between the two of you. Oh, but you did. For new listeners, Jen Leivia is a beautiful red wizard whose face is real, real scarred, but it kind of works for her. Thank you. It kind of works.

Previously, I'd align myself with the Dark Lord, and he said if I killed all the Selky population, and stole all their skins, basically, they would be suicidal and kill each other on their island, but my skin would look great. And I gave them back because Yusudor showed me the ways of good. And then he cheated on me! I did not cheat, but I must admit this might be a hard kill for you to swallow. Thank you. Sorry, Spumpy, go ahead. A girm happens to be her trade, her profession is, uh... Well, you see, she's a...

a makeup artist. my god you said she's more like a makeup artist no I didn't say that I don't care about that and of course there's nothing I just that's what I keep saying now I I know that she put a pole to and things on different faces. Make a good smokey eye? Yes, she does make a good smokey eye. She's also very kind and very sweet and often in these visions we saw her arms were ripped off

and I couldn't help but feel bad for her. Why would you be feel bad? It's lovely because that's her only trade. How could you make a smokey eye without a hand? That's what's so sad about it and why my heart went out to her. Well, if you would, I would rip some arms off a lady and I'll kill her right in front of you. How would you like that?

I wouldn't care for it at all. Can you get back to this woman? That's my question. Well, honestly, I don't know where she is right now. Are you gonna look? I don't, I don't know. Oh my god. This is, we got a lot of, let's put a pin in this shit.

Oh, Jen, leave you. I'm so sorry. I'm gonna do this killer real shit. Oh, Jen leave you. I'm sorry. I'm going to do this killer real quick. No, no, no, no. Don't kill us, please. I beg of you, Jen leave you. I have an idea that might benefit us all. If you promise not to kill us, I believe that Demonte could be the general that this army

needs. And you, Jen leave you with your great powers of nature, Nurture could create much of the food that the army needs to be healthy again. Could you not inspire the plants to grow here in the desert? She could go fuck some corn and make more corn. I could, I could insert some corn into my vagina, and then it just pops out and duplicates itself.

I could literally create a cornucopia of a popcorn just from my vaginal fluids. I take back what I said about soft weapons being a hard-phrase this all. Hey, and also we do have what? Almost 40,000 people. There must be a lot of time. The largest army must be worth something as well. Yeah, largest army is pretty good.

Okay, good. Now, large army is good. Thank you, Demarra. And you're right. I think Demante would be a great leader. I could do it. What motivates people more than a crossbow being pointed at them and telling them what you're doing?

No, it's true. I mean, he has such authority, and really, he could murder anybody if they cross him, literally. Oh, okay. That was funny. That was funny. No, that's another funny joke. Oh, thanks T'Monte.

And you know, with all the bounty that we accumulate as we travel through the lands, we could maybe turn some towns into cities, perhaps. Oh yes! I know, really thought about that. If you collect enough resources, I don't see any problem with that at all. Well, you can turn your houses into a hotel. Was that what we're talking about? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no could be a year of planning. It would be a year of planning, it would be. And now I realize you could just kill us and do this anyway? No, no, no, but that wouldn't be. I know what that is true.

We could do that. But there is one advantage to allowing us to live. We can continue on the part of our quest that allows us to collect the pages of the book of sight, which if we collect them, it could be a great boon to this army and to all of the forces of good. Well, Demonte has one inside him, doesn't he? What? What? What is it? You're a former employee of the Dark Lord. As a former employee, you would have a page. Oh, you talk about this.

Oh, okay, but it's butthole. Whoa! Well, I'm a crossball, so that's not my butthole, but it's a fairly detailed parker. It's my code, yeah. It does fuck her a little bit. This page, it's the second page to the book of site that we were seeking. Wow. Oh, we forgot to tell you, we are C-Fairers, we've been on a boat, we've been trying to look for the book of sites.

Do we need to do it? No, I don't. Okay, good, good, good. Don't chalk down to a crossbow. I'm so sorry. Idiot. I'm so sorry. With these two pages, and only a few more, we can decipher-

With just an undefined number more of pages. Well, we'll have to decipher what's here and figure out what's missing. We should take our leave and head to the winged whale, where we can go continue our search for the pages. Genelevia, please, I beg thine forgiveness. Know that I am internally grateful and eternally sworn to thee. It sounds like a speech you're breaking up with me, fuckhead! No, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I I am betraying the wizard's guild Eunice is gonna be really pissed and maybe you know she's gonna play some things on her ukulele Oh, she was gonna good at the ukulele I know she really but she really breaks out at every party and it's like you and is hanging up

We don't want to hear it. It's a bit much and her handicrafts. She'll be like I'm gonna knit you a scarf of rage Well fuck your rage anyway. She's gonna be so mad at me. I'm betraying the guild for you and you're breaking up with me You're ghosting me look look Jin leave you if I may I think you should let us me and I'm betraying the guild for you and you're breaking up with me you're ghosting me. Look look, Jin leave you if I may. I think you should let us go. And I know the things are- You're on your side to do that but now they're talking about me. You should still let us go. And I know things are still very complicated between you and you Sidore, but just think about

that. This is some of the think about and the nights ahead. And that just means the next time you see each other, it's going to be all the more hot, right? Oh yeah. I guess it depends on how many makeup artists he hooks up with him, but then I'll answer. Thank you.

Thank you. Come, Crestis Mortals, should be dead in 30 or 40 years. We're gonna live for centuries. T'emonte, and we're gonna have to dish. You and I are gonna have to have a little cocktail tonight. You guys really ruined my night. Thanks a lot. Well, we will absond with this army of yours

Demontae will be the general that takes back the lands from the dark lord we will achieve his post in hood again and then he will become mortal and die which is what we had to want to have near the barracks there's a hall so you can live there it'll kind of be Demontae's hall you know don't put me in a deal right they're gonna kill us no no no no stop trying to snatch defeat out of the, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, earned this army. You kind of have to show that you've debased us. Like, you're gonna have... There's this trough of shit over here and unfortunately you're gonna have to dump the trough of shit onto us. That's a fetish thing, you're just... Well, it's a fetish thing, but it's not our fetish thing. We're torn apart. We're torn apart. We're torn apart. Somebody else has fetish. The previous general had a fetish and now hand me down.

It's kind of a hand me down fetish. So in order to obtain the loyalty of this army, you must cover them and shit properly. Just dress us down. Okay, I could also just go out there and tell them I'm the general now. I mean, I prefer that personally. It works better. But if you want me to do the other thing, I mean, we don't want it, but also like, we don't want to like, we don't want to take risks. I mean, I don't want to seem like I want to. I mean, it's really just, I don't want to like say no to an experience to take risks. I mean, I don't want to seem like I want to. I mean, it's free to just say no to an experience. It's a story. It's a story.

It's a story. All right, let's open this truck. All right, here we go. Oh. Oh, lovely. All right, Demonte fly up there and tell the army that you're there. Hey guys, I dumped all the crap on those dudes, so I'm the general now.

Oh, you're about to do that. And what the hell is that, Larry? What do you want to do? We want to follow you. What are you waiting for, Demonte? Crap on those dudes, so I'm the general now It's amazing how malnutrition just specifically targets that upper shoulder join you know in this land I found my wife's letter in the woods. I think she's been nearby and something happened to her There's corn growing in this desert. It's the most delicious corn I've ever eaten. It came from my badge I don't know why I yelled that He wants to know where his food is sourced from that seems fine. Well, we're all eating badge corn from now on I'm so sorry that we upset Jinlevia. I wish you hadn't told her about Goam Crust. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm guys. Bye-bye. We're going back to our ship. Yeah. I'm so sorry that we upset Genelevia.

I wish you hadn't told her about GoamCrust. I'm just like an honest guy. I thought I was gonna help. I'm sorry. Well, it looks like we've been shot with the arrow of reconciliation. Yeah, you know what? I think this is a really nice ending except for the fact that we're covered in shit. Well, are we gonna find the winged whale? Yeah, we'll find it. Looks like it's in a soul hollow. Soul hollow. All right. Well, sail to soul hollow. Interesting episode.

I've been given strict orders to track any information I learned about army locations in Fune and add it to this map. I've also been told not to let the consultant know I'm doing it, so it's a good thing he's out today. Oh crap, I almost forgot. I need to make up some fake credits. Let's see. Yusudor the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

The shape shifter was played by Adel Rafa, Genleivia, the Red Wizard, and Demante, the talking crossbow were played by special guests Felicia Day and Colton Dunn. Check out their science fiction improv podcast Voyage to the Stars, which just began its second season. I suspect if you like Magic Tavern, you'll like Voyage to the Stars too. Oh, and pick up Felicia Day's latest book, Embrace Your Weird, Face Your Fears, and Unleash Creativity when it comes out October 1st.

Oh, that's tomorrow. For more info go to FeliciaDayBook.com and don't forget to watch Colton on the NBC's sitcom Superstore, where he plays Garrett McNeil. Bungery Chubbens The Chamber Potman, was played by Tom Gottlieb. Tom is the voice of Cookie Masterson from the trivia game You Don't Know Jack. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rify,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf Producer, Kimmy Lucas. This episode, edited by Anna Hoverman, who's edited some Earth Games episodes, but this is her first main hello from the Magic Tavern episode. Good job, Anna! Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller Lban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, now I'll just roll up this outdated map of two military positions and put it in this This is Newmatic Tube. Yay, I'm doing a great job. Alright, see you next week, everybody.