Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 14 - Giant Toe (w/ Mary Holland)

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

Um...we interview a giant toe.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSuzi Creamcheese: Mary HollandMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You insatiable Dionysian lamprey! Why not try a free episode of Earth Games? Where Andrew, Wyzador, and Flank, or whoever they are, play classic Terran tabletop games, and record it, and you listen, and that's fun apparently. Also a new episode of Behind the Tavern. The podcast that takes all the magic of this show and discards it. Was just released Thursday, October 17th. That should keep you occupied for at least a little while.

And after that, you're just going to have to go home and answer for the wreckage you left behind. Remember, for a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to StitcherPremium.com slash magic. And use promo code Magic. And now, sit back. This is mail. Ooh, the time's got back to me! Huh, stupid figures, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago and to the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King that I somehow can use all over fune

and I use that Wi-Fi to upload a podcast. I record every week chronicling our quest to defeat the dark lord and save all of Foon. And can I get a problem with all of the firsts? Are you open to a few notes? Am I open to a few notes? I guess so. Sorry, I just, sorry, I couldn't. I mean, I feel like you finished.

No, no, no, no, no, that's fine. I mean, I feel like I've heard that artists that you should only give notes when they're asked for, but please, give me. Well, I feel like to give notes after the fact they can't be really implemented. I'd like to give a note in a moment. So you're like, you can try it on the show. It's like, let's write the ship as it's sailing.

I feel like, and don't take this the wrong way. I hate the way you say chronicling. Really? Yeah, it sounds like an Anamanapia. So maybe to say, to chronicle. To chronicle. Like we are using this podcast to chronicle our adventures. Because when you say, we are chronicling our adventures.

Oh, it just sounds like someone's taking a sheet of metal and just crunching it. Okay. Chronicling. Okay, good note. I'm gonna incorporate that. And I'm gonna start over from there. And are we sold on this beard?

Are we sold on this beard? Are we sold on your beard? Oh, I just feel like that's a group decision. It can be I guess I mean, I just I have fur. Mm-hmm. You store has a beard. I have a beard for I am a great-tempered full-wissed Yeah, he did shave it to reveals baby face, but it grew back very quickly Yeah, and it just feels like it's a little redundant that you also have one. Oh, oh Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I don't need okay I'll start over. I love can I just say also to give you kind of a compliment say I'm much this kind of a compliment open face I which because it didn't have to come sure sure but to end on a compliment I love that you said some time ago. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right, but why not a long long time ago

In a guy well, because I don't want people to think it's like eons ago or something like that. You're right. I should say that you said on Earth, eon is a donkey. Yes, exactly. OK, so hey, hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast. Hey, it's a Magic Tavern. What's that?

We're in a Magic Tavern. We are in, we're you're right. We're not even in the blood of gravity. We're in the blood of gravity. On the way, it's a soul's hollow. And I was going to say I'm so excited that we're off the ship. Yeah. Back on land, I feel like we're sailors in port

Could ever falls could ever fall Would you mind if I give you a note you said I wouldn't mind when we do a thing where it's clearly three guys Singing you're the third guy. Oh, I just said ever falls could ever fall. Could ever falls could ever falls No, thanks. It's a hell of a town. The canavers are up and the falls are down. Whoa, what have been fun? Okay. I feel like that should be the name of the show.

What have been fun? What have been fun? If I went thing would have been picked up on and supported, it would have been fun. I know. Next time. Oh boy. All right.

Whew. All right. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Hello from the bloated rabbit. Oh. A weekly podcast from the magical landvern. Hello from the bloated rabbit. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arnee Neekamp. I have a beard, but I'm not married to it.

If you've never listened to this podcast before, this is everything you need to know. You can't see. Sometime ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King that I used to upload a podcast. I record every week to Chronicle, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and save all a fune.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, by my good bud. You sir, the wizard! I am you sir, the wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights. DEVOUR OF CHAOS! He's the only chapter of the great halls of dragons. Are you open to a few notes? Yes, I suppose.

I have none for you, you perfect. Oh. DEVOUR OF CHAOS! CHEPION OF THE GREAT HALLS OF TORRACCUS! THE OEMS NUMIUS FIANGE ALIC. THE DOOR OFS NUMIUS ZONE IN IN and Hookstangies, and I am known in the northeast. As Gassamwinius may star, and there may be other secret names, oh names, that if air they did even enter your field of vision, and you saw them and did not even bother to speak

them aloud, still your brain would catch a flame and melt out through thine ears. Wow, wow. You imagine I can know. So don't read that name if I write it down. Well, don't write it down. I'm not going to. It's a secret. Don't write it down. What?

Don't write it down. It's a hell of a town. Now, hey, we were trying to sing a song. Why didn't you join in? I did. To be fair, he sang a song. Yeah. It just trying to sing a song. Why didn't you join in? I did. To be fair, he sang a song. You just have to be a different song. All right, fair enough. Two songs. Yeah.

Look, my way of supporting you guys is to go back to my previous choice and really just ram it forward. Yeah. Well, very good. We are here at the bloated rabbit's side. And my other co-host. Oh, and my other co-host. He's a shape shifter. Nope. But you might as well know him as a talking badger.

That's right. Chump the talking badger. Good ever for. Oh, yeah. I'm so happy to be back here at the bloated rabbit. For soon we show, it's a real shithole. But I'm happy to be here. I'm dare you.

Oh, that's underneath their sign. Bloated rabbit. It's a real shithole. It's certified. It says it's certified real shithole. I'm gonna, I'm gonna their sign blood rabbit. It's a little shit. It's certified. Yeah, it's certified real shit hole I'm gonna I'm gonna go read this it's built on top of the They got got like a latrine. Yeah, it's like poltergeist, but instead of a graveyard. It's a shithole They didn't move the shit

That doesn't mean anything to you because you haven't seen poltergeist is about that haunted chicken Mm-hmm. It Blue Dint Rabbit, a real shit hope. Huh! It's so worth it, you sure are sat down, stayed seated, and his neck stretched out the door. Oh, not even his head, just his neck stretched out the door. Yeah. Mr. that was fantastic.

Oh, thank you. It's one of my favorite spells that I don't get to use very often, because often needs much easier to walk someplace, but sometimes it's just fun to stretch your neck out. Yeah, why walk when you can stretch? Very good point. That's what I always say. So, yeah, we're on a way to Soul Hollow to get the winged whale. Stop it, or just to stop and settle down.

Interview someone, have some fun, have some beers, some bloated rabbits. And now I'm very excited to get upon the seafaring vessel, the Wingen whale, which is a great boat built on top of a whale that can fly. But what are we going to tell our old ship, Stephanie? Well, yeah, it's not her, it's us. Oh, no. Or is it me that someone knew we met a new boat? I'm not looking forward to that conversation.

Yeah, I mean, guys, it's not a sentient boat. I know people talk about boats like they're women, but just a conversation. Yeah, I mean, guys, it's not a sentient boat. I know people talk about boats like they're women, but she's just a boat. Well, she was in a relationship with Rodney clearly. Well, Rodney was alive, but that's all a Rodney thing. All right, fine. But to your point, I think how missteffony, like she's a good boat.

She's a great boat. I mean, she's a terrible boat, actually. We were very close to sinking several times, but you almost fell through the bottom. I know, I almost fell through the bottom. Falling apart, real piece of crap. Yeah, I mean, man, entirely by bears. Are beared by bears?

Beared? Beard, entirely bear. Beared entirely by bears. Crude by bears? Crude by bears, crude bears. Ooh, that sounds like a cologne. Crude by bear. Crude by bears.

Yeah, that's kind of fun. So, new listeners, I just want to explain to you as much as possible about a ship that were no longer on. Yeah, that's presumptuous to say new listeners. What? Let's probably just say people. Highly unlikely.

Cool. So you're assuming that there's new listeners, you're alienating people listeners. It's a bit of a mental problem. I mean, I think I'm a person that is filled with hope. Like I assume with every episode that there are some number of new listeners to take the place of all the listeners we lose everywhere.

It could be more accurate to say those listeners who have stayed on and have not fallen into attrition. Ooh, attrition's, yeah, yeah, that's a good word. Thank you. Well speaking of the show, maybe getting some new listeners. I am excited I found someone I kind of scutted out the bar earlier. Oh great And I found someone that it's very exciting because we've never had this type of thing on the show before Do you want to guess what it is? This type of thing. Yeah, I don't know how it is. It's hard to articulate

Oh my god. When they come out you'll know what I'm talking about But do you want to take a guess because we've had you know Particularly when they come out you'll know what I'm talking about But do you want to take a guess because we've had you know Sorcerers and creatures and all kinds of but this is a true original. Yes a night in full armor a night Why do we have a night we've done 220 episodes? Why would we ever have a night? Something with integrity I don't we don't know yet. We don't know yet. It It is, come on over here, come on over here. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Hi! Hi!

Hello! Hey, guys, I just wanted to apologize. I didn't hear that noise earlier. I would have prepped you for that. I would have only done some groundwork to prepped you. No fans, no fans. No, it's okay. Yeah, I would have appreciated being like,

hey, we have a gas to heads up. There's gonna be some squirt. Yeah, squirt, yeah being like, hey, we have a gas to heads up. There's gonna be some squirt. Yeah, squirt, yeah. Yeah. Wherever I go, I squirt. Okay. Well, they're a squirter. Totally understandable, looking at you,

that you would squirt everywhere you go. Yes. Speaking of totally understandable, I've got a follow-up question. I hope I'm not wrong. I'm really putting myself out here with this question. Are you like a giant toe? Yeah, I'm a big toe. Wow. I'm a big just a big toe in the city looking for love.

Oh, I'm looking for love. That's exciting. Wow. Follow up question. You are a big toe. Are you a big, big toe or? Yeah, I'm a what what? Are you a big, were you a normal, normal big toe and then you got blown up to be even big. No, I'm big toe. I am big toe I'm big toe. I basically So I was the toe the big toe of a giant and then I got slammed in a door No Yeah, Arnie on on Foon when a giant starts to get older

Sometimes their toes come loose so they wrap a string around them and slam a door, just so they fall off in a new toe grove. Yeah, yeah, and so there I was on the other side of a door, and I was like, oh, what's up with this? Well, but now you have your autonomy, it can go, and it gives you wish. Well, exactly, I mean, well, that's the thing, is that so Derek was the giant,

and we obviously had like a, really good relationship, but it was all about him. You know what I mean, well, that's the thing is that so Derek was the giant and we obviously had like a really good relationship But it was all about him, you know, I mean like it was always where does he want to go and he walked all over you I bet sure did yeah, I bet you are often thrown into a boot without a second thought no exactly I can't tell you how many socks I've been in I can't tell you how much sand I've seen You know, it's just always, it's at the bottom. I'm always helping him get to where he wants to go. You're always supporting him. Exactly.

Exactly. So you know what, when I first got, you know, slammed in that door and I was like, wow, I'm on the other side of this door. Yeah. Well, what's up with that? I was like, what am I going to do now? Yeah. And I was like, I got to get back to Derek.

So I, so for so long And I was like, I gotta get back to Derek. So I'd go for so long. I like tried everything I could get under the crack of that door. I don't even know if he was there anymore. He might have left, gone somewhere else. But I was like, trying to get back to him, like, oh, Derek, Derek. Because that's all you've known. That's all I've known.

Exactly. And then I had this, this revelation, where I was like, wait a minute. What do I want? Squirting. You know what I mean wait, I can't tell if she wants to go to it. It's a poorly timed score Look when I got severed from Derek's foot there was a squirt everywhere That makes sense. It's what she calls blood. Well, I mean it's not just any blood It's blood that squirts with every movement she makes. Because she's a big, big open, there she is.

Yeah, there's always squirt coming out of my bottom. Like I can't stop it, no matter where I go. It's just always a, I always leave a little bit of squirt at home. Been there. And this is, this is maybe rude. Yeah, I should've asked this earlier before I introduce you.

Yeah. Do you go by Big Toe? No! Ah, no! Oh, you said Big Toe, like a hundred toes. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I am Big Toe? No! Ah, no! Oh, you said Big Toe, like a hundred toes. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I am Big Toe, but ever since I left Derek, I said, oh my gosh, I can choose my own name.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. And so, my name is Susie Cream Cheese. That's good. That's good a name is Annie. And here I am, I'm just Susie cream cheese. As good a name as any. And here I am, I'm just Susie cream cheese looking for love in the big city. I'm a big toe forget it. Susie cream cheese, people seem very obsessed with the fact that you're squirting blood out of you. But what I would like to know is, what are you looking for in a mate? Oh, that's so fun! What am I looking for in a mate? Oh, but they got to be cool with fucking a toe.

Obviously. Sure. They got to, uh, Good to Zip Humor. I think, and I think you know, because I have lived so much of my life, like, all about dare, was dare going to the, like, I really want a partner who's going to respect my independence. Got one. Like, what I want, where I want to go. Yup. Have you had any luck? Have you met anyone?

Yeah. No, because everyone, I've like tried to like seduce or whatever, I guess, is like not into it for some reason. Probably because of Squirt. I, well, no. I can't imagine why not. I don't know either, because I'm always like, hey, you want to go suck a rat with me?

And you know, like, oh, okay, yeah, that might be it. Suck a rat. Well, I don't know. I mean, look, I'm new to this whole love thing. I've never, I've never known what love looks like. Like, I'm just like struggling. I don't know, does everybody just, when you fall in love with someone,

you just like fart or like, what do you do? I just don't know. I've only ever known like cobblestones and dirt and leather shoes and it's just hard. Well, let's start with what you know. You enjoy long walks, don't you? No! No!

You should know. I'm sorry, that was presumptive of me. That's my bad. It was! I'm so sorry. I didn't have a choice about doing of me. That's my bad. It was! I'm so sorry. I didn't have a choice about doing long walks. I was a Derek. Because he's like, you know, we got across, like, as the crow flies, you know, how the

giants always talk. Oh, yes. They're always talking about how the crow's fly. Oh, I have to get here and the timer ticked three crows to fly here. And it's like, well, they all fly the same. Why is it matter if there's three of them? Exactly. Exactly. And so, I was always like always like yeah going with them and all that and and I don't want to walk

long distances and I first of all I can't even walk long distance because now I'm upright right I'm upright and I'm just squirting everywhere you're leaving a trail yeah and leaving a trail it's really messy so I like to kind of stay put you know again let's start with we know okay yeah I want to settle down you want to settle down you want to suck a rat is that so impossible why is it so impossible it shouldn't be you know find a good apartment right right good start find a nice apartment get a social security number right Right, right. So do they have social security numbers on Earth?

Well, on Earth, we have things called social security numbers. The government keeps track of you, and you can use that to, I guess, get an apartment. Is that what you're doing? Well, it's a little bit different here on Foon. If you have a social security number, that's the number of people that are in your friend's circle. here on FUN, if you have a social security number, that's the number of people that are in your friend's circle,

so you just feel secure in social settings. Oh, like your family. It's like a family. Interesting. Or like what you said, a temple-grandin situation. Yeah, I said that. Sure. What is that?

Arnie. Oh, you know, it's just what I say when I think about Claire Danes and anyway. This is the first thing to come to my mind. So for example, my social security number would be in the tens of thousands. For I am a great and mighty wizard who has traveled all through food, meeting all sorts of people, forming alliances to prepare against the final fight against the dark lord. And my social security number is probably two. Oh. You're very social though.

Yeah, but just in terms of good close friends. Oh, that's very sweet. Yeah, is it? Can I pet you? Yeah, I'm a pet of your respect. There we go. Let me ask you something. How did you get your social security number?

Has everyone gone around to everyone? Being like, okay, where do I get? How do I get this? What do I do? And everyone's like, you gotta where do I get, how do I get this? What do I do? And everyone's like, you gotta figure it out for yourself. How did you get your social security number? I just took stock of my own self and who's in my social network?

Who I'm close to? Who I'm close to? And then this came up with that number. Yes, I'm sorry, it turns out the answer was inside of you all along. Oh no, I hate that. Well, it's just really hard for me because like, it's like, it's like, okay, okay, okay,

picture it like this. You have been in soup your whole life. Okay. Okay. You're in soup, all you know is soup. So am I like an herb or a potato? You can be a potato. Okay, great. Can I be a...

No, potato's taken. What a, can I be a herb? I don't fight. Yeah, you can be an herb and you can be a.... Okay, great. Can I be your- Right now, potato is taken. What a- Can I be your- I don't fight. Yeah, you can be an herb and you can be a- Oyster Cracker? Sure. A fucking Oyster Cracker?

Oh, yeah. And so you guys, all you know is soup, right? Right? You've just been in soup all your life. That's it. What the guys, what is she saying? Soup, soup, soup, soup, soup, soup, soup. What?

I thought she said all we know is soup. So I don't even know what she's saying. Oh! Okay, yeah. So I guess, yeah, if you're in soup, you're just saying soup all the time or whatever. And now all of a sudden, all of a sudden you're in an office building. Okay. And you've got to figure it out.

So that's what it's like. Is it like, where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? Like, I doing? Who am I? Like I've even wondered, you know, because I know here in food, we've got all these bridges, and we've got like bunch of trolls,

who man the bridges, and that's riddles. I was like, maybe I'll do that. Maybe I can, like I'm trying to find my purpose. And also find love. Like it's, it's just really hard. I'm so sorry to hear that. But I believe in you. I think you're a very charming to Suzy Cream Cheese, and I want you to find love.

Yeah, and if you really, if you love your purpose, then you won't have to look for both. It'll just whittle it down to one thing you're searching for. Well, I love my porpoise. I have a porpoise. Oh! As a pet? No, no, no. Oh, is it that dolphin that's! As a pet? No, no, no.

Oh, is it that dolphin that's squirting back there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see you already have something in common. Oh, I guess. I mean, well, my poor, I mean, I call him my porpoise, but he's not like, he's not mine. I just like, I have ownership over him because I see him here all the time.

Yeah, also, I would never talk to him though. It's just like, he's avoiding looking over here. I notice. Is he? Yeah, He's avoiding looking over here, I notice. Yeah. Is he? Yeah, he's just hovering above the free water. Suzy, we're gonna take a quick break. No!

Oh, break, I shouldn't say break to a toe. Oh, we're gonna take a, No! Please no! We're gonna take an intermission. Okay. And have you always worn your nail like that? Yeah.

That's gorgeous. I love what you've done with your nail. Thank you so much. It's split in half. Right down the middle, nice part. Yeah. And we'll be right back with more Susie cream cheese. Yeah! I suppose if I was a potato that had always been in soup, but now it was in an office building, I suppose I would just listen to people complaining about carbs.

Yeah, I think I just make small talk, right? I think I would thrive. I'm an oyster cracker, I'm versatile. You're a fucking oyster cracker. I'm a fucking oyster cracker. Uh oh, get me out of this office. I'm gonna get myself into some trouble. So Susie.

Yeah. So you're looking for your purpose. You're looking for love. Yeah. You're here in the big city. Here I am in the big city. What are you looking for and someone to love? You know, I could actually really use you guys as help. Oh, you're right. Makeover. Oh, what are you

going to say? You're trying to write. What? What do you say? I said makeover. Makeover. I hardly know where. Oh, it's just saying like we could, but we don't have to. What are you going to say? You want to write something? Why? Just going to, you're gonna help me write a dating profile? Let's do that, yeah, let's do that. Okay, do you think I need to, do you think I need to do something? Well, if I had to give one note, are you open to notes? Oh! I think she shrugged.

Wait, is that, can I just get done that? If I may give you one note. Yeah, yeah. The trail of squirting blood is a very, it's, how do I say this? It's not everyone's where their proclivity is lie. It's a visceral viscera. Yeah. So what am I supposed to do?

Squirt into a napkin? I don't. You know what you do have to? It could be a cup. I don't know. Like, whatever you want. Oh, here we go. That famous video.

Two toes one cup. Oh, I don't know that one it's a video you know a video like infoon videos yeah it stands for it's each letter stand for something so video stand let's let's all unpack this yeah yeah so demons eating or begins. Oh yeah. So it's one of those. So two toes, one cup is a very famous video. Yes.

And yeah, I mean, I guess it's just like, I feel like I wanna be myself. Like I don't wanna like present, like I don't wanna be false with whoever I'm trying today and you know, my square trail is like, I don't want to be false with whoever I'm trying today. And you know, my Squirt trail is like a big part of me because even if like initially, I'm like, oh, I don't squirt, I just have a cup. Or I could see your point. Or then eventually when we start to get intimate, what's all this squirt?

Yeah, yeah, when you're sucking a rat, that's going to be so much. Yeah, when I'm sucking a rat with my partner. Let's embrace it. And that's, you said it as a strength. So I love it. Yeah. I love it. You're squirt forward, squirt forward, squirt into it. So lead with squirt? Lead with squirt. But not literally. It's all over the day. Yeah. So we're going to make your profile. Yeah. Okay. So let's, um, how old are you? Ten. Okay, we won't list age. Okay, how tall are you? Five.

Okay. Mm-hmm. Right? What's your favorite color? Two. So guys, I don't think she can count above the number of toes on a foot. Okay. What's your, what's like a perfect day for you?

Um, probably wake up. That would be good. Okay, so I was a good stock. Oh, favorite food. Oh, okay. Um, okay. Um, um, okay. None.

Okay, don't eat. I don't eat. Oh no, I feel like this isn't going well. No, this is great. Do you can I ask Susie? Do you have any Intrus or tattoo? Well, I can as far as I can see you don't have any I have a tramp stamp. Oh Really, I think it's just a callus I got it When I go away. I can see no I'm not going to get seen. Oh.

It's really fun. Just me and a couple of friends. The other time we all went and got calluses. She was really fun. We have a scary number. They're gone. I'm not with them anymore. You know what I mean?

They're all with Derek. Oh, those are the other two. Sometimes when you sever with someone like it's sad, you really find out who's attached to you and who's attached to them. We don't have time for this. Yes. So, are you what were you asking her? Does she have any more?

Oh, interest. Interest. Yeah, what are your hobbies, interest? Yeah, okay, I guess interest, interest. Ooh, I love, ooh, I just love it. So much. So she has interest, she's interested. Yeah, yeah, now some of them are interested.

I love interest, that's my interest, as I love interest. Okay, perfect. Sometimes people, when they write these sorts of dating profiles, they're afraid to say the things that seem too obvious, but sometimes it's good to get those things out there. Like, it's not a cliche, it's not, doesn't look bad for you if you say like one of my interests is socks.

If you like socks, if you don't like socks, that's fine. But, alright, would you say your socks positive? No. See this is what I mean, you're trying to put me in a shoe. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're trying to put me in a shoe again, and like just because I'm a toe, I don't love socks. No, we don't like.

Yeah, of course. I, fine. What am I interested in moonlight? No. Okay. So here's what we have. Five to wake up interest moonlight. Is that enough to go on?

Is that enough to go on? I think so. I think it's good. I think it's good. I think it's good. I think it's good first. Hearing it read out loud, I'm not sure that it means anything. You know, I'm gonna make one actual small note for this profile.

Okay. Yes, I'm not sure. I think, I don't know, it's probably a good idea to put on there. Am a giant toe. I feel like that's a label. I don't think we need that. You don't, Susie, let me ask you something. Yeah.

Just kind of spitballing some ideas. In terms of what you're looking for, would you be into a partner who is up to 10 feet long? Wait. Do you say great? Would you say wait? I said wait. Wait? Wait a minute.

Like 300 to, okay. Are you saying 10 feet, 10 feet connected together? Would I date 10 feet or a partner who's... I've been insensitive. Who is 10? Would you date a human centipede? Oh yeah, I'd love to date him. Okay. Like it's interesting, you got... like because I thought about it before too, like would I ever date a foot? And because I have been in a relationship with a foot.

Like, that was my relationship for so long. You go to the market, you go home. Exactly. You go everywhere with your mate. Yeah. Would you date someone who's 120 inches long? Yeah. I mean, look, I don't care how long my partner is.

Would you? I just want a partner. You know what I mean? Like, it really doesn't matter to me. I put that in the play-five. I don't care how long my partner is. Just they gotta be nice. Would you be okay nice? Would you be open-and-dating someone who is a mammal? Like we got tits. Yeah, that's part, that's part, right? Yes, let's go with that.

Yeah, I date tits. how about someone who eats seafood? Oh No, no, oh fuck I was trying to set her up with the poor who we who huh trying to set you up with the poor Which we did a poor we put the porpoise is seafood. Oh fuck Well, it's part of it, but it's it's part of it. It's part of a larger Oh, fuck. Well, it's part of a larger, I don't know. He should be because I was like,

well, I don't want the porpoise to think that I'm just eating porpoise. I should just say the porpoise all night long, it's just been like, I look over here, and then I turn around, stay in the hallway. No, I'm serious. It's true, it's true. No, I'm serious.

Yeah. Maybe we should be more specific about the seafood thing. What sorts of things do porpoises eat? Like, do we end up eating some who eats krill and shrimp always yes No, I'm not fucking liar. Well, shot. Are you all right? I'm not lying They're looking over here. Why no No, this is a little much for you. I know like you I just want this big toe to find love. I know I know you

So many things about fucking duck. Everything's gone wrong. I know you've had some personal tragedy in your own love life. Maybe it's what happened to you. My husband exploded. Jesus Christ. Yeah. How?

Please, Jesus. Jesus Christ. We were dancing on the dance floor. The night of our wedding. The worst. And I don't know what happened. I think someone poisoned his drink. We don't really know.

Do we? We don't know what happens when a shape shifter and a piece of magic. We were consummating our marriage on the dance floor. And I'm left with this giant egg, and we don't know what's inside. Janelivia said inside beats the heart of the next great evil, but I feel like she was just fucking lovely.

She was a star. I'd shade it, you. Yeah, you know, that old story. You were consummating on the dance floor? That was Perfunish tradition. Oh yeah, I know. Yeah, no, I know. Been living inside a cave?

You shut your mouth. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. You shut your mouth right now. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Been living in a show. I'm so sorry. She's this cave. She's this cave.

She's this cave. She's this cave. She's this cave. Everyone knows it. And I'm never going back to my feet cave. Can we start over? I'm so sorry. It's fine. I apologize. I'm a little ramed. No, I understand. Like we all want love. Like it's like it's sent you know it's it people it makes people people and things and creatures emotional and toes like yeah. I just feel like do you guys have partners or you are love? It's complicated right now. I was dating a red wizard. And we used No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Uninvolved and I fell in love with someone in an alternate timeline and then she found out about it and she's real mad at me

Oh, no, that old chestnut. Yeah, I have a family and an alternate dimension that I've been away from for a real real long time So it's that's not easy. You miss them. Oh, yeah, very much so I bet yeah, okay, you're looking now. No the one time you ask looking now. The one time you ask. Fuck. Damn it. So what I mean? Should I go over there?

Yeah. No. Yes. Or should we just go for the porpoise to come over here and join us at the table? You can summon a porpoise. Quite easily. For I have many magical powers. Powers you could not understand or comprehend.

Whoa! He's smoking Yes, oh you're smoking it or nice smoking in here I tied if you're gonna smoke smoke outside the tavern at least 20 feet away from the door It does say smoke 20 feet away from the door right to the side that says it's a real shit Here I shall use one of my most elaborate magic spells to call the porpoise over to the table right now. Cool.

Arnie, that's just a pole with a hooker. Oh, no. Hey, hey, get over here. Get over here. Wow, what a magic spell. I'm so glad I witnessed that. As a toe, I've rarely seen a wizard cast spells, you know, and this is really special.

Welcome, Porpoise. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Seems to be going well, but seems to be going All the rains all the rain What all the rain? I've been like you've been there before, what are you doing? I've never been here before All the rains All the rains on what? I don't have a donkey with me What are you saying? I'm just saying like you're laughing so hard Why? Because he's funny I think

Don't you like him a bit? Laugh at your jokes? I mean absolutely, I mean I'm not used to it No one does, but I feel like I would love that. Arrubu, arrubu, arrubu. Arrubu, arrubu, arrubu, arrubu. That was kind of rude. Arrubu, arrubu, arrubu.

Oh, he got you. He got you good. That dolphins got your number. Arrubu, arrubu, arrubu. Yeah. No, no, I take it as a compliment. Yeah, me. Arrubu, arrubu.

That's terrible. Don't say that about a wizard. Oh, look, he's yawning and putting his fin around her. Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm squirting. Oh, he's sliding. He's sliding.

What do I do? He's flopping around. Oh my god, I don't want him. Oh, he's smiling. No, he's choking. No. Wait a minute. I'm choking him. Ooh.

Who would have thought that a dolphin would be okay with fluids? Yeah. He seems to not bother him in a new way. Wow, guys, I feel like this is a real connection. Yeah. I never, ever thought that my purpose would ever find me. You know what I mean? Or like see me or appreciate me, but he seems to really be liking me.

You found your purpose and your true love. Well, I mean a little early to tell, but seems like you get along. Do you want to maybe go for a swim tonight? What? Do you want to make a tour? Do you want to make a tour? Do you want to make a tour? Yeah, I can go. I can go. I can go. I am sure. I mean, I guess I've never really swam on my own. I don't really know how It's just that I hate walking in the first swimming. I hate walking too. You do? Yeah I just I just sort of propelled myself forward in the water. That's exactly what I do in On my own. I bet you can do it in water too. Do you want me to teach you? I would fucking love that Okay, let's go tonight. Let's meet him in night.

Cool, and see you real quick. You can breathe underwater. Oh fuck. I can't. Oh no. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, question. Do you need to breathe? Do you have love?

Oh no, I'm good. Oh, fuck. Phew. Yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna meet the board of us at midnight. That's so nice. This is so fun. This is just working out great.

And also I just wanna say, I think your social security number, at least for now, can be three. At least for now? I don't know. Oh, you said you're seeing room. No, I'm seeing a threat. You mean it could get bigger? It could get bigger.

Yeah, it could get smaller. It's not a threat. Yeah, I think it's more for sure. It could get smaller. What do you mean? No, I'm just saying like, anything could happen. We know this. But I'm saying for right now, consider us three your boon companions.

Zuzi cream cheese, I say unto thee now. This number of three of Social Security is thine. Less than one of us doth die. Oh, and he's a wizard. If he dies, he'll come right back. So that's a solid one. That's a solid one. So I think he'll use a solid one.

Take that to the bank. At least. Yes. You know what, I'm so glad when you asked me if I wanted to be interviewed. I was like, fuck that. Because I was like, you know, but I'm so glad that I came over and got interviewed by you guys because honestly, like I know that like I was like in a family with a bunch of

little piggies and you know, we're all in shoes together and all feet together and it was like that's the family I was born into. Yeah. Thank you guys. I'm in the family, I chose. That's so beautiful. That family she chose? That's what she said. That's so beautiful.

I am so moved. Thank you. Suzy, great to see you. Thank you. That's a real poorly timed squirt while she was giving that little sweet speech. Suzy, I'm just very happy for you and I hope this works out But I also hope you know like just call out there love freely and not wisely like you even if it doesn't work out

That's okay. It'll just help for the next thing where you guys are you guys gonna be in town for a while or what's going on? We are afraid we shall you might want to sit down What's going on? We are afraid we shall be You might want to sit down I'm sorry That's work We have an important quest ahead of us to defeat evil in all its forms So Susie cream cheese, I must ask you

Huh? Will you join mine quest and if needed and not to call upon you to stamp out evil with your big two abilities? Will you join us? Okay, so I'll take that or I'll take it. We have some roast beef with us. Oh, hell yeah. Oh wait, I don't eat shit. Oh, so none. Yeah, I'll help you. I'll help you.

Never hesitate to call on me. My number is 867. 867. Okay, I'm guessing that's maybe like her age or height. 5309. 5309. If you just shout those numbers into the wind. Uh, you know, we'll see if I- I don't know. I feel like we're getting some fake numbers here. Should we shout those now and see what happens?

Yeah, try it. Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine. Hello. Hello. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Really cool. Yeah.

Well, Susie Cream Cheese has been a real delight, and I'm really happy that you're just starting to find yourself. Yeah, thank you. Me too. I feel like I'm coming away from this with a much better knowledge of who I am as a toe. That's important. Yeah.

When you're a toe, it's important to note who you are as a toe. That's right. Because you're no longer one of ten. I know. No longer surrounded by your nine siblings. Right. You're not one of two big toes. You are the big toe.

I am. I'm Susie Cream Cheese BT. Bitty large. Yes. Thank you guys. I feel so empowered. Good. Well, should we take this wave of positivity and read some emails?

Sure. Yeah. All right. Well, listeners, you can always email me at MagicTavron at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address. And I would say 98% of the emails we get to that email I just are, this can't be real.

Yeah, yeah, let me. It's real. I would like to write something more than that. I like to bang out a response to 98% of our emails right now. It is real. It is real. And you can also reach me at chunt.

at gmail.com. That's chump with 60s. And of course, you can follow me on Twitter at you. Sadoa the blue. Uh, you also, and also you can call Susie cream cheese. Yeah, it's 675309. Shout it in the wind. Here's an email I received.

So all the mythical creatures of earth are real in food. I think explanation is quite simple. It's too much of a coincidence for it to be any other way. Humans originated on fun. Some traveled to Earth through a rift, and they brought with them all stories of the different creatures, magic, wizards, and the like. They probably even brought farm animals and horses with them.

I was really unborted to like, why would they have to bring farm animals and horses? Love the show sincerely Andrew Breckenridge. I think what's probably happening is that obviously the mythical creatures originated here, and we just call them creatures from mythical at all. They might have originated here. But I was saying the originated here. And probably what happened was there's probably small dimensional rifts all over Earth where every once in a while someone during their dreams or something would gaze upon these creatures and bring news back to Earth, right, of these creatures.

Yeah, it could be that. And I know like a long time ago in Fune, people used to think that they saw what we call manatees, which are like these large, what we call sea cows. Nonsense. People would be like, I saw this sea cow, I saw this large manatee and it turns out, you know, years later, as we get more and more advanced and people have been around the world, turns out it's just mermaids.

Yeah, but people at the time were like, oh, it's something. That's so rude to call mermaids Seacows. I was, oh no. I agreed. That's incredibly rude. No, no, no, no, no, I'm so sorry. And I know your new mates is purpose.

Woo, woo, woo. Are they in the, I don't even know if they're in the same family. I can't, I'm so sorry and I know your new mates is purpose. Yeah, purpose. Are they in that I don't even know they're in the same family? I can't I really put my foot in my mouth. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. So what are you saying? I'm saying, oh, I found this rat here. Oh, I'm scared. Oh, whoa.

I love a sucker rat. I don't eat, but I love to suck. That makes sense to me. It's also possible there are creatures here in food that people on earth don't know about There isn't a one-for-one parallel. That's true. Yeah, you never heard of a bundle. Yeah, so Was that who emailed that? What was that person's name? Andrew Brickenridge. Oh, yeah, so fuck you Andrew You don't know our business. I mean, that what I was thinking I didn't want to say it But now the other way Now that we're there fuck you Andrew, but Andrew stick with us cuz you're gonna learn every episode like yeah

You're right. I there's no equivalent to Mundle the Grundle who plays our theme song every week who well now Remind me. Yeah, now he's Mindle the Grindel and he lives in my hat because he's smaller. Yeah, by the way Mindle the Grindel. Thank you for everything you. A hat is just a cave for a head. Oh, oh, no. Damn, she got your number. I'm part of the problem. One of these days, user is head's going to get banged a door and fall off and you're going to be separated. That's right. Well, then my head will find its own life and I'll just grow a new head. Oh, it's so easy. It's so easy to grow a new head. What is for a wizard? I don't know about Arnie.

Just acknowledge your entitlement in being able to grow a new head. For the size. That's going to be as easy for the head. I have received much privilege as a great wizard of food. I do understand this. And I shall not, oh, look it. I shall always remember the pieces of my body

that fall off and become their own thing. And I shall treat them with respect that they deserve. You say that now. Oh, shit remember, the pieces of my body that fall off and become their own thing and I shall treat them with respect The fate of you say that now. Oh, shit, Susie. What? Looking out the window and seeing the moon, it's midnight. Oh, fuck! We gotta get you to the ocean.

I gotta get to the- I just- the ocean, just the general ocean, you didn't give me like a meeting. Oh, right. Oh, fuck. Shoot! Susie, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, Suzy, shh, shh, shh. It's not too late. If you love him, go to him. Yeah, I know, I know, but I don't know what it is. Oh, shh, shh, shh, it's not too late. Wait, go to him. Here he is.

He's wearing a little bow tie. Oh, oh, oh, god. I didn't dress up at all. Quick, give me something. What's something on me? I shall conjure a bow tie for you and you shall match one another. Carath, garath, garath. Yap, barak. What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What up? What's I'll do anything. But you put some paint on her hair. I'll do anything you want. You tell me what you want.

Or do you still sell me a hair? What? You're not the hair. I'm going to put paint on my hair. That's exactly what I want for my day. No, no, no. Put paint on my hair. What?

I want to know what that means. Purple. Yeah. Waffemot. Waffemot. Waffemot. Oh, actually, it looks bad. Honestly.

Honestly, it looks pretty bad. I love it That's the most important thing. Yeah, okay, so I guess I'm just gonna go out there and Go into the water with my porpoise. Oh, so you have yeah, I have the best time Yeah, we're ready for you. Good luck. You don't forget to call me We won't okay Okay. So long, Susie. Goodbye. Okay, bye.

Go fuck yourself. What a nice toe. That was so nice. Have we turned into a dating show? We do seem to be helping a lot of people. I feel like that's our purpose. Isn't that really the real true quest? Although wait, now that I remember our true quest,

is it a defeat the Dark Lord? We haven't done it right. We haven't done it right. Fuck all Oh fuck all about a couple weeks doesn't love to feed all that's true. Oh, did you hear me say defeat? No, she's out of your shot. Hopefully okay. What better way Shit, well she's saying it so that's good. Oh What better way to defeat evil then by spreading love throughout the world of food? I for I did swear before we need a conspiracy of not just fighters, but also lovers So that we can fight on every single battlefield here in cadaver falls back in hogs face in the decimation there. Oh, God, all of a fault. It's hell of a town.

Do you think listeners will get that I've been doing this thing with my arms whenever I say that? No, because as we learn, as we learned a few weeks ago, there's no video. There's no vultures inside demons eating organs. I probably won't even see these cool blue pants I've been wearing the flare out at the bottom. Yeah, that's not for you to say they're cool. Confidential to Neil deGrasse Tyson. We still can't find time in our schedule to have you on as a guest,

but we will devote an entire episode to a toe. Usual The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the shape shifter was played by Adel Refy. Susie Cream Cheese, the giant toe, was played by special guest Mary Holland, from the group Wild Horses. Seasons 1 and 2 of the Wild Horses podcast is available now on Stitcher Premium. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekam, Mad Young and Adolf Refy, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LabBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Cudave folds its a hell of a town. A song shouldn't depend upon Arnie's arms. His arms could detach and fly around the room and this moment would still be disappointing. Cudave folds its a hell of a town. Seriously, digress Tyson's stop texting. to grass-tice and stop texting. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh shit! I don't know how to swim.