Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 17 - CandyShop (w/ Paul Scheer)

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

A visit to a quaint candy shop owned by McTruffle Fondue reveals some strange secrets.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMcTruffle Fondue: Paul ScheerLincoln: Evan JacoverTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey there, it's me Lincoln, and I am totally in space right now and not in a secret facility on Earth. I'm doing this right. Anyway, the following podcast is not real. It's not proof of the existence of other dimensions, and I should know because I am a space person for real. And not from Evanston. Yeah.

This is hard. Boy, I wish that mysterious consultant hadn't left me to do this one all by myself. Oh, he must have left his phone. At least I think that's a phone. And it's ringing. This is stressful. Okay, I'll take my mind off it with some quick announcements. Here we go.

The latest episode of Behind the Tavern has Tim Sniffin, Kate James, and Ryan DeGeorgie telling behind the scene stories about recording space bunker segments for the Magic Tavern. Wow, that's confusing. I wonder what that's like. Anyway, that's only on Stitcher Premium. I'll have more info in a quick clip from that episode at the end. Oh, and here's some big news. It says, make Trumpet sound with mouth. Okay. Was it Trumpet sound like? Is it like, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Oregon, Oregon, Oregon. January 16th, Seattle, Washington. It's the Lost Infoontour. Tickets go on sale Friday, November 15th. I'll have more info soon. Awesome.

Okay, sounds like that phone stopped ringing, so let's get to the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About four and three quarters years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, which I use to upload a podcast

every week to Chronicle, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord who is taking over this world. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, my good bud. He's a shapeshifter, but it's usually a badger. Chant the talking badger. Bing-bong. Hey, Bing-bong, how you doing bud? Great, actually. This is exciting.

I know. You're a cool little village. I know. Roney, look, I got this visibility cook. A visibility cook. Just kind of makes my ensemble pop. Yeah You somehow makes me stand out from the crowd. Oh, no, it's like I can't not look at you. Mm-hmm. Yeah Oh, and I am also joined and weirdly I can't look away from you chun, which is very let me take it off Okay, I was gonna say cuz I was gonna have to talk to our other guests, using peripheral vision.

My other co-host, Yusur, the Wizard. I am Yusur, oh, oh. Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical lights, devour of chaos. Hurry, put the cloak back. Champion of the Great Clothes of Taroques. Look at this cloak, he's showing off. The door's not getting the door.

It's a very dangerous horse. Where's that cloak? It hurts my eyes. I always had the cloak. I thought for a cannot stop looking at the ch strong. Oh, it's close. Where's that cloak? It hurts my eyes. I always have to cross my trade of thought for a cannot stop looking at the church. Oh, man, look at the cloak. The cloak is calming. The more I look at it, the more I can only look at the cloak. And I'm stopping seeing you, John.

It's like, and I was gonna... And I am known in the North East as gas-mainiest-may star. And there may be other secret names. Names I know that are so terrible That if air spoke aloud, Most assuredly, a meteor would fly Out of the cosmos, land upon thine head Tickled thine stomach to lull thee into a sense of happiness and contentment And then crushed thee nonetheless.

Sometimes I feel like he just make those up. And that one. That can't possibly happen. That's definitely one of the names. I mean, you are on your head that tickles your tummy. Yes, ridiculous. You're a bit of a stress. Dishy-less.

Well, look, I just want to talk. I'm very excited that we're so close to Gisilnab Academy, the school for magic students. But before we can get into the school, I guess we have to spend a little bit of time here in what's the name of this town? Vander Village. Vander Village.

What a wonderful village to visit. I spent many days at the Wandshop just looking at all those beautiful Wands wishing that I could buy all of them and use them to cast different types of spits. But Arnie, if you go to the Wandshop, be careful because the person who runs the one shop, they choose which one you buy. Oh. And they always go most expensive. Well, yeah, they always upsell. It's an upsell.

Yes, and they say to me, oh, you said all, you already have a magical staff. And I say, give me those ones. I want them all. For I may be able to cast all sorts of different spills I narrowing, instead of it. And if I test each one out, I may find a way to defeat my great enemy, the Dark Lord. Okay. It's cool this town is always kind of snow-kissed. What is, you know? It's like you're not trudging through snow, but it's just snow-kissed, right? The tops of the roofs.

I just pebbered enough. And I guess it's sort of the beginning of winter time, but I wouldn't expect it to be exactly this snowkissed right now. Yeah, it's beautiful. It is beautiful. Uh, my good friends, I have been very fired up today. I, yes, I feel the intensity of one who wishes to complete his quest. But today is a day where he shall relax and enjoy each other's company Shall I purchase the an ale? Oh, I'll take a melon mead a melon mead. Oh, I'll have a red potion No, you will not

Melon me the one thing you can't have earning. Yeah, you know, I hope user has more luck than me I have not been able to get service in this town really since we've been here. Yeah, huh? Is it cuz you look so old? What I don't look that easy serving stewed that is true. I do not look like a preparatory school age in this town. Really? Since we've been here. Yeah. Is it because you look so old? What? I don't look that old. That's how you're just serving stewed in a city. That is true. I do not look like a preparatory school age person. How do you say that word?

Preparatory. Oh, preparatory. That's how you say it on my world. Okay. Yeah, I agree. Ah, here we are. Two empty flaggans. Oh.

There was no one at the bar, so I had to reach behind the bar, and I just brought back these empty vessels. You know, I hate to say this, this tavern sucks. Tavern kind of sucks. What is this, the dramatic toad? Yeah, great name. Great name. Great name.

And that's how I pick places, you know. Back on my world, we have this thing called Gelp, you look at it and they have all of this information you can get out of here and see the mod. Let's go by any means. Let's go next door. No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, have all of this information you can get out of here. Alright, let's get out of here. Let's go by your hands. There's the divorced horse pregnant ox You've never noticed that Chuck always takes us to taverns with animals in the name. Yes. I know what that's about

Yeah, he's trolling. Yeah horse ass. Well, divorced horse I'm not trolling for horse ass, okay. I would choose between the two. It's chunky, a donkey or a... Yeah, he's trolling for ass horse. Yeah, that enough. That's the one, yeah, so just prevent me like down the main Perthorovair and see what this

beautiful town of Vanderbiltge has to offer. What's this? That's what it looks colorful. Wow, look at the outside of this. Gorgeous. Playful? Colorful? Smells good?

I'm going to open the door. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Sugar Buses Candy and Gummy of William and Tuffy Fudge Factory. Fuck, he was like an inch behind the door. Oh, yes, I always love to treat someone with candy

Thank you so much for these These caramel are delicious on they though you must try my icicle bicycles their icicle bicycles It's in the title look at these little little bicycles! And I made a vice! But you'd be quick, you lost most of it. Oh! It does melt inside. Oh! Now are you fellas here, part of the scoop, a chance? Is there a discomfort in this?

Yes, if you pull out your cord, if you're from house, ding-dong, you get 5%. If you're from house,h-o-dong, you get 5% If you're from house roaring, or you get 10% If you're from house camel toe, 2% And house chipping bird, no percent But you do get a free hug Oh, I want that hug Okay, right?

You are a German bird That's a real German bird thing I have never been sorted into a house But it is, I took a test one time and they was decided I would be a Sherpenburg. Oh, it makes sense, you really seem like you know all the things. Oh well, I just love birds so much.

Oh, I love birds too. We actually have a chocolate bird here. You can bite into it and taste the little crunchy bones of the bird as you, chomp chomp chomp it down your throat. Wait wait wait wait wait. Is this a chocolate bird or a real bird dipped in chocolate? No, of course not. It's not a real bird dipped in chocolate.

It's pretzel bones. Oh pretzel bones. It's a pretzel bone. Wait wait wait wait wait. Did you take a bird that has pretzel bones and come back? When you use a spell in potion and made the birds bones Pretzel and then he died because you need real bones to be a real animal and then we dipped it in chocolate Hold up hold up hold up our own bones salted. Yeah

Salted pretzel bones from a real live, but which we did pick up all the feathers off the bird So you're not eating any of that disgusting clever. What do you say your name was? Oh! My name is Mick Treffle Fondue. Mick Treffle Fondue? Hey Treffle Fondue. And what was the name of his story? Oh, shit about this candy and gummy and thorium and toffee fudge factory. Oh, Mr. Fondue. Yes. Oh Toffee Fudge Factory. Mr. Fondue, yes. Oh, my father's name was Mr. Fondue. You could just call me Truffle. Okay, thank you Truffle.

Who's... who's sugarpuss? Oh sugarpuss is our hilarious character that all the children loved and visit. He's a cat. Who loves chocolate. Look at him on the walls. There he is. Look at all the little kitty cats all about. He's a don't go crazy because he ate too much chocolate. And it's with because our own burnt out like little electric boat. He's positively crazy. For sure, please. Yeah, right. Right. I've got to be honest. Some of these paintings of sugarpots, it's a little...

I'm a little aggressive. He's a little aggressive. I do paint these, my sense. Oh, you can tell. Yes, it's a way, great way to work out my feelings and emotions of the day. I'm getting like a John Wayne Gacy vibe from some of those paintings.

Yeah, I'm a fan. Who is that? Who is that? What house is he in? Oh boy, he's in the big house of those paintings. Yeah, I'm going to say that. Who is that? Who is that? What house is he in? Oh boy, he's in the big house, I think. Oh, the big house, though, that must be roaring, God. What's the floorboards probably in that house, huh? Maybe.

I must meet this John Wayne Gacy and give him some of my ticklish liquorish. Oh, now it's liquorish that tickles you. Oh. Now, Trump, I must ask you said you painted all these paintings here and if they are cathartic they work he worked through some problems So a lot a lot of them are of a cat yelling fuck you dad Yes, it's a way we get when we dot chocolate right? We get a little crazy sometimes, you know It's it's you know working with these children is quite the treat, quite the treat,

quite the treat, but you know, they, they can be difficult. Trying for times, yes. Yeah, trying at times indeed, indeed. And you just want to look them in the face and say, guess what? It's not going to get better for you. It's not getting better. This is going to be the best you have You little brat you little sick brat you little rat

I'll chip you in chocolate and make your bones pretzels He's squeezing that bird in his hands so hard It's chocolate Oh right, yeah They're belly Those are really at sea Really white pretzels Mmm

Who are very white. Oh, very white. And very porous. Oh, well, well, well. Never mind, never mind that at all. Putting pasta, anyone? Putting pasta. Oh, you're putting pasta.

I mean, I can take a guess, but what is putting pasta? It's pudding in the shape of Poster Or a Chetty anyone. Yeah, I'll take a orchette. Yes, or a Chetty pasta It's a very difficult shape to make the pudding congeal into Mmm, it's so good though. I'm enjoying this immensely I'll do you don't seem to be enjoying the delicious treats. Oh, I love candy But I just know if I started in candy, I'm gonna like not stop.

You know, I'm trying to like not start, you know. Here's a candy that will make you not want to eat more than what. Oh, they're called gummy babies. And then the shape of literal-apported fetuses. Oh no. Look at them, the detail is perfect. Oh, I took a picture, a scroll picture of my wife when the baby came and I mordled these off

of us son. It's very, very realistic. He died. Right. As he breathed his first gasp of air. Oh my gosh. Sad. I don't think he was the one who made it.

Sad. We get to eat him all. I don't think he was the one who made it. But I appreciate it. I's the one who got to eat him all. Now eat him. I don't think he was the one who got to eat him all. But I would appreciate it. I would not eat more than one. The doctor said he wasn't technically a stillborn because he came out and did take one gasp of air. Well, and that's a very sad story.

But I'm so happy that you turn your tragedy into something positive by creating a new candy for the world to enjoy. Hey, look, look at my son, he did, he's gummy. Oh, different flavors of my son. Oh, you know, I mean, you can always make more, right? Oh, I can make plenty more. I sit there wanting to make one giant gummy boi

and hope that one day the wizard will come even the dark lord and grant me the power to bring him to life. Bring a gummy boy, life like I am deserved. I don't want to brag, but you stand before you, sonor the blue. What are the greatest wizards and all of food? Oh, I saw your stuff, but I didn't ask. Do you want me to make a real gummy boy for you? Yes, if you can make my boy come to life it would be one of the greatest dreams of mine ever You said art you said

Yeah, I feel like what moment we don't understand over here We haven't even told this guy. He's on a podcast. I know I really I should be telling you we really got it. We really got to pull back the reins I mean, we're are you gonna give this guy a gummy son. I mean, I barely remember his personalized name. Truffle... Shuh... Truffle... McTruffle... McTruffle...

Von Duh! Now, I have a good feeling about this person. They clearly are into art. They have drawn all these beautiful cats on the wall. They love creating delicious treats for everyone to eat. I trust them implicitly. I mean, I guess they keep having these dramatic aside that I appreciate, so I might be unbored.

Yes, it is. You're always just promised to magically solve people's problems the second we meet them, and later we find out that they're evil. Well, I think assuming that people are evil is their own kind of evil. We must trust that people are good, and if we use our abilities,

whether they be magical or podcastual, then we help lift everyone up. Dr. Fondue. Hey, yes! So what is it? I was just organizing all my different candies! My bedbug bond bonds were delicious! Bedbug bond bonds!

Yes, mate, from real bedbugs! Ooh! Yes, they're the candy that keep on going into tummy! Into the night, girls, on and on! Oh, gosh! What I appreciate is your commitment to realism. Mmm, yes! I love a good candy based in reality,

because candy can be so therapeutic Don't you agree? For so often you go and you eat something like a Buckeye and it's just a peanut butter in chocolate And I say, this isn't a Buckeye at all Exactly, that's why I made these peppermint pink slips Like the pink slip I got when they kicked me out of that God for sick and school. Yes, yes, we definitely need to help him. Oh, no, you were a teacher.

Yes, I was a teacher. What did you teach? Technically cafeteria, is that a subject? Um, eating's an art? Yes, it is, and I taught it every day. Every period I was teaching cafeteria to all the children. Oh. Well, that might be why you got fired,

because usually you only need to do that the morning and lunchtime in evening. But yeah, they were doing it every single period. They were shifts, yes, I just gave out the fluid and I loved it, and they said I got a little weird with the students and I knew I had to take a lock of the hair, you know. If you're being bad, you must give me a lock of your hair.

That frizz nap tingle. Oh, well. I thought you was so smart. What? I didn't cry. Oh, yeah, frizz nap tingle. The boy who died. I didn't cry when he died at all. Do you mind, if I ask, what you would do with the hair? Like, why are you with the hair? Oh, yes, you'd need it for the deliciousness of food.

Right, think of it like this. If I just rub that hair on my face, I think of my young boy and I get inspired to make a delicious dish. Like I'm cooking for him. Not those disgusting girls, but just the boys. Just the boys. Yeah. You, sir, you cannot give boys. Just the boys. Yeah.

You, sir, you cannot give this guy a gummy kid. I have a little measure of this. I'll keep on the mic, I'll go ahead. I don't need to say, I don't know if you know the term, but it's called a bobble man head. It's a bobble man head. You would maybe put this on top of some sort of a bobble man sculpture and you put the clothes in the bobble man.

And this is the bobble man head that I've attached different pieces of hair to. These are all the different. That's a couple of roaring gods as a camera joke. That's a chip. But it's who I have it and I will just keep that by my cooking side and I just stroke it every morning to think of my son like he is right there with me as a cook. I peeked around the cash register and there's a dead man back there. What? There's a dead man back there. There's a dead man behind the cash register.

He's dead. Oh, it goes in time. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay, okay, we can all stay here because my friend's on with you. Oh, yes, of course my friend. My friend's like Shulipus is like Shokulet. We just need one second to discuss which flavor of a jelly to be. No, I'm sorry. I love the conversation like that may I join? I know. Well it's a private conversation.

Can you give us one moment just for a moment? I'll just go back to organizing my delicious chocolate schools. They're perfect schools. Oh no, chocolate schools. We already get so many emails about pizza schools. I think perhaps that the two of you are right. I'm not so arrogant that I can't admit when I was wrong. I'm not sure that we should give this person a living gummy child. Yeah, he seems like a little bit of a freak.

But, you know, working in the service industry is not easy, so... But, listen to this. What if we gave them two gummy children so that they could watch out for each other? Ooh, let's make one gummy boy, and then Corny and I will start to tear it apart, and then if he says stop, we'll know that he's the true father. Are you in?

Is that a thing? I'm just curious to see how that's going. Let's do it. Let's do it. Oh, hello. He was hovering a inch above us. Just doing all my above ceiling maintenance. We do have the shelves in the ceiling that's where I keep all my trophy pot, coffee pots.

Well I would like to take these gummy children Right now and form them into one large gummy child. Yes. A lot of it. Give it to me. An arc of it. Yes! A lot of it.

There it is. Take your first breath, gummy child. Father? Oh, father? Richard. Richard? Is that my name, Richard? We thought to your mother and I couldn't quite agree, but I wanted it to be Richard. What did you want?

If you don't mind my asking, I'm sure to. Yeah, what did you, what did your wife want it's name? She wanted to name me Mr. Goobley-Man Cook-a-Poo. After her father. Oh. It's a to name. She wanted to name Mr. Goobleyman Kukapoo. After her father. Oh, it's a good name. But I don't like all that lineage stuff. Goobleyman, Goobipoo, it's just a, I don't like a strong name like that. It just sends the wrong message. I give from royalty or something like that. But you gotta think, there was a name like Richard, the kids might make fun of him. Why? Rich is he too rich that my chocolate

That's how they know he's a son of a chocolate. Yeah, oh rich chocolate boy. Oh shit They can we walk that the front door you're locked in walk down. Oh wait, bitch How dare you? Oh, wait, bitch. Oh, wait! Oh, wait! How dare you! How dare you! Make my boy! And then let him leave! Oh, I'm so sorry, I- Press the bone!

They have pretzel bones! Oh, no, no! I don't know if you know this, it's a chill for a month. But having pretzel bones is deadly Five to ten minutes all your bones were metastasizing to pretzel rods I must warn you was she were needing all of you Has been people. Yes surprise surprise surprise surprise. That's why no one else is in here Everyone comes in ask me a question and then I make them my candy

Oh, I knew this guy was fucked. Oh, that's why there's a dead person behind the counter. Yes, he's going to be a delicious Delicious treat. Oh, I'm going to grind him up and make him into my Delicious pixie pop so they're so good and anxiety reducing. Was the charcoal covered bird at least a real bird? He was a bird. Oh, thank God. Baby bird. Bailey had a chance to live.

Oh. Ah, honey. Chut. My power's awaiting. And I'm very poached because of all the salt. That's a lot of salt. Do you drink water because they get watered down and then you're about to drink into the his?

Oh, let's give you some melted cheese, maybe? Or like, ooh, like a honey mustard? I do like what would be like a good? I know, I've never been a big honey mustard. Really? You must have. You gotta try. You know what's best is a hot pretzel.

You must defeat the chocolate. Hot pretzel. Hot pretzel. You have devolved pretzel. You must. I like to do pretzel co-chains. Ooh, everything. Oh, yes. Yes. So yes, I like to do Pretzo co-chains on everything. Oh!

Yes! So yes, I put a pretzo, but a pretzo on a cookie. Oh, good! I like that a lot. I like that a lot. I also put pretzos on marshmallows, marshmallows, pretzels, yeah! I'm gonna lay down.

I'm gonna lay down. I'm back on board with this guy. I know. I'm dying. I'm definitely dying. No, it's just a few more minutes and do all your bones become pretzels You must have eaten for me. Please No, let me tell you something

I will reverse despair and I will let you on your way, but you must find my son Okay, you must bring him back to me and together we will rule this chocolate land Get me my boy. Well it's not really a chocolate land I mean I think you're living in... It even took my head! Bratsobbao! No! Oh no! Five minutes to the bratsobbao!

Oh look at this! I feel so weak! A vat of Hano Pinochet! Oh no! I look like I would do great things to dip in! And I've just realized that... Do the rule of three, there's a good chance this is gonna happen to me eventually. If you watch your mouth... Ha, ha, ha! Do watch your mouth...

You don't say the wrong thing and you won't get pets abounds! I'm mostly only say the wrong thing. Arnie, it's all contingent on me now. It's all up to you, buddy. You gotta save the day. But before you do, let's take a quick break. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Charlie.

Oh, we shouldn't call it a break, though. We shouldn't call it a break, but for what? Oh, quick, this is a lot. Oh, this is a lot of stuff. This is my bad, I should have opened with this. We're recording a new podcast. It's like, a podcast. A podcast, yeah.

May I do an ad? Perhaps I've been trying to get the word ad on podcasts. We're recording a podcast. A podcast? Yeah. May I do an ad? Perhaps I've been trying to get the word out on podcasts. Oh, good. I do a box. I do a sugar-puss candy and gummy and porium. Toffee and fudge and porium factory. Boxy.

Every month you get a discounted chocolate. Only about a month old. Oh, sure. And they come. It's 19 bucks a month. You end up doing whatever chocolate you eat. You keep whatever chocolate you don't eat. You send back.

And then I come and find find you eat my chocolate! I mean, how can I make money for you? No, I, I heal, I don't focus on grades, yeah, they're very great. Wait, can I cancel it any time or do I have to? Yes, you can cancel it any time, but why would you do all I do? It's very hard to find the captain's button on the terrace straight to machine. Because you have to go into the city of town to use it. Scream, sugar-pusses, candy and gummy and porium into the nearest bird, and use the offer code.

Magic! Yes! No bread-slabones for you! That was beautiful! Thank you, thank you! Give me back just a little bit of an ad. Ad space is worth anything. Yeah. Okay, great.

Well, okay, well, you know what, we are gonna take a quick break. So much oil. And when we come back, we'll figure out how we cure chunks. Was a way he hunted that to really just yell, no pretzels for you. Oh, you've just fed up the process! When you do it without any more than you've been spinning up on it to the left. I feel so brittle. Oh, thank you, man! It's bidding up only two minutes left. I feel so brittle. Okay, so we're back.

Um, and, uh... I'm going to buy that, Natrus. Yeah! That's... I like a good Natrus. Yes, I bet. I bet a good... I sleep.

I do need to sleep. I haven't slept in such a long time. When is the last time you slept? What month is it? It is, uh... Ooh, that's a good question. What month is it? I can't tell because, that's a good question. What is it? I can't tell because of all the snow out there. It's always so wintery, but I don't know.

It's summer, winter, sometimes it keeps her here, sometimes it's not here. It's at a whole holiday. I don't know. It's very confusing. I try to get a school schedule. I can never get one. It's gonna be tough. Like having a business like it's probably a boon to have all these children here all the time. Oh, absolutely. It's fantastic to have. Like, having a business like it's probably a boon to have all these children here all the time. Oh, absolutely. It's fantastic to have. He's a wonderful children to spend all their hard and copper bones in this store.

But I long for just never seeing a child's face again. If they all could get for its face, that would be a real treat. Oh, well quick, Sipa. Should I turn all the children and just hold enough should I give them all Richard's face? Should I use my magic to do that? Can you undo my pretzel bones? No pretzel bone for you. Oh, I think it worked Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Don't tell him no. I thought you start pretzel bones You're gonna make a delicious snack This is the D.L.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.S.P.S.P.S.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.S.P.S.P.S.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.P.S.S.P.S.P.P.S.P.S.P.S.P my friend, Mr. Sugar Puss. Oh, he's...

Now I'm Mr. Sugar Puss! Who are Mr. Sugar Puss now? Hello, hello, hello! What the word is? Oh, what's that boy? Oh, what are you doing here? Oh, he's a mascot. He just...

He put a dead cat onto his hand here. I'm right, dog. What's happening here? Give me chocolate. Give me chocolate! Oh yes, that cat looks crazy when it eats chocolate because it's dead. Oh, don't listen to him! He is crazy for chocolate! No, no, no.

But don't make him mad. Don't make him mad he is very vengeful. Oh, thankful you say, I ain't no vengeful. Now I won't. I'll give you a nick with my wand and say, but I will, I will, I ain't no thankful. Now I won't, I'll give you a nick with my world in saber. I will, I will, I will. What is it that makes you mad, sugarpusses? There's everything. People base their fucking kids, like my pictures say.

Fuck them all. Fuck them all in the donkey ass. Fair, fair. But now I must ask a question of your friend here, McTruffle. Yeah, McTruffle is a pushover. Is he now? Oh, he's a real pushover. He's not like me. Evil to the cool.

And the one who breaks the necks. He's the one who cooks him up. Oh, wait, quick, cypher. Arnie, it's what we feared most. It's what you called earlier the beaver situation. Ah, dude, that was something else entirely. Let's talk about that. Now, he said that he breaks the necks.

You know, I thought he was just finding dead people to turn into candy. Really? He commits murder. You missed that entirely? I just thought he was turning corpses into candy for fun. He was just finding corpses and turning it into candy. No, don't need to eat your, no, no, no. Conversation. Or corpses were fighting him.

But corpses do find me. When I talk to people, I find them to be corpses. Oh. Oh. I clarify or not clarify. Hmm. Oh, I just have no idea he's got an ear to crazy. McTruvel?

Yes. McTruvel fought new. Yes. Though I did grant the abune by giving youectrevel? Yes. Mectrevel fought new... Yes. ...though I did grant the abune by giving you this gummy boy. Yes. I find now that you are the pervert of multiple murders. You are a madman, and I must stop the inline tracks. No!

Mectrevel? Yes. I want you to admit to the crimes that you have committed here. Go, crimes! I have committed any crimes, but the loving of chocolate making! Yeah, guys, calm down. Obviously, Mr. Fondue is at the whim of this dead cat he's puffeting on his hand. That dead cat he's puffeting is crazy.

Yeah. But, Truffle Fondue is clearly just a victim here, right? I try to be separate from him. He is wild. Yeah, boy, I'm a fucking maniac. I'll fucking eat y'all without it. Sugarpus, you stares the floor, you sit, no. Yeah. Wizard of the 12th realm,

Motherfee's the fastest master of light and shadow, manipulate her magical lights, devour her of chaos, champion of the great halls of trogas, the elves from his being, y'all. The dwarves know me as zone and in who extend his known in the northeast is his guess, he's really amazing. He's real to me, I don't know. I am here to tell the now sugarpuss that what of my secret names is...

...Elelanderianna. Commitior! Commitior! Oh shit! Land upon this cat's head head tickle this cat after some green media coming out from there's going Go jam is that you're coming. It's clear. It's about 10 light years away. Yes Very soon sometime within the next millennium that meet your will land on your head You're tickled you into a state of submission and then destroy you

We'll land on your head. You're tickled you into a state of submission and then destroy you I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be killed in the next millennium. I won't deliver at least three more It's just that I agree if I grieve so much I Grieve or kill or kill your old pretzell bones Pracks of bones because the night I know you spells off make all pretzell bones, pretzell bones, good thing I don't know new spells are make your old pretzell bones That was close. Make me truffle, I'm sorry. Hey, how did it come to this friend?

I was married to that horse. Oh, the divorce horse? Yes, she went away. Started her own establishment. Oh. Crossed down and I watched her launch her wares and a ass out there in the middle of town square. We almost went into that bar. I think I might know why your child only took one breath.

Why? Well, the horse and the person aren't meant to give the to progeny. Beggars is... Yeah, got me there. The combination of a human and the horses of the... I forgot about Pegasus. Yeah! Ah, fuck me there.

Alright. Yeah. Either it a whip, because his wife left him, right? Yeah, it's the trunks. That is the trunks! Hey, open these. Let's get revenge. Let's get revenge on that horse.

Metruple. Yeah. Metruple, you have the choice. Oh, yeah, it's once the choice. You can set the cat down. Yeah. You don't have to listen to the cat. Okay. You don't have to listen to sugar push.

Right. You don't have to get revenge. I just put it here. Just set it down. Oh, yeah. And pick up that dead owl and talk through that. Wait, that's not that. Right now.

No, it's this one. It's this one. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, it's not coming. No, what is this? What is this? Whoa. Whoa. Oh, it's just gonna be better on us. Oh, God, there. I am our own. Oh, I thought it was gonna be like pussy sugar.

Oh, I have the brains of someone who likes to look in his defense he just picked his elephant first time. He's still trying to find something. He's still trying to find something. He's still trying to find something. He's still trying to find something. He's still trying to find something. He's still trying to find something.

He just wants love. Just like me. Just like me. He just want love back from that horse. I just wanted to take me back. I'm going to cast a magical spell that will compel us all to hug. I like that smell! Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs,

It feels so beautiful and lovely. Yeah, let us all embrace. Oh, magical, magical. Oh, to do it. You said our efforts, we gotta talk about how you just start. Some of these spells. You're just like, all right, I know how to fix this. I'm gonna force everyone to hug with a spell.

It's just a nice hug for a dead owl. Ah, guess so. Truffle, what can we do? We've gonna use some hugs. We've put you on the podcast. Just, we've heard about your box subscription. What can we do to We've gonna use some hugs. We've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, we've, that copper bones at me and I give them their candy and send them on their way. It's just, I'm so known. Guys, I don't say this lightly, and normally this isn't the kind of thing that I would say,

but I think we gotta kill this guy, right? I mean, like we encounter evil people all the time or complicated people in these scenes. I have a lot of things. Oh shit. Oh shit. I can't just leave like the sweetieie Todd of the Middle of the town. Oh my kids come in here. Oh my God.

I have two kids. Wait, is he one of the pubs to kill? Yes, he is definitely. What if since Trevor is so lonely, I make a duplicate of trouble so he can hang out with himself, but then I magically steal the shop so no one can come in. I mean, yeah. I guess that's the best case scenario.

Please! Let me live. Let me live with my friend. Hope to kill my desire is home to kill! Hey, you're fucking bastards. You're gonna leave me here. That's another one. Don't leave me here. Don't leave me here with this madman.

Do all of them know! McTruffleFondue. Here now, I duplicate you and introduce you to... McTruffleFondue! Hey! Hello? Hello! Who are you? My...

Make trouble fun too! I'm Make trouble fun too! What's your middle name? Say it the same. Three, two, one. Chocolate, chocolate! Yay! That's all middle name! I didn't really lie enough.

Quickly back out. I want to hear what puppets the other one has. What puppets do you have? Puppets. No puppets. I have a beautiful son named Richard. Oh fuck. Do you have a son named Richard?

Yes! Look here he is right here. Oh. He's just a fetus puppet. What is he doing? Oh my god, my name's Richard. I love my daddy. We have to get out of here now. I'm gonna see where this goes. I got my name's injured. I love my daddy! We have to get out of here now.

I gotta see where this goes. What a lovely child he's so cute. He's just a deaf fetus, you dummy. Oh, baby fetus! Oh, baby fetus! This is going to be so much fun. Now we have so many friends. I don't think that's stupid horse anymore!

Quickly, quickly sneak out! And I shall seal the door! I'll go buy a rose for... ...hate! Arath, Arath, Arath, Yath! Ah, he was just taking out a dead terrorist puppet! Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

That was gonna be great! The door is sealed fair! And I shall now also launch this candy shop No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hit where the shop was, because if so many buys this lot, oh no, it will land upon the head of the cat. That is very specific to when I say that secret name. Do we do more damage than we prevent? I don't think so. I mean, that was already fucked up in there, like, we may be like, yeah, we just walked into it.

We didn't miss. A little bit, but there was a lot going on in there. It's like a Rob Zombie movie or something. I don't know Wait look across the street here. Here comes that I can only imagine is the divorced horse Excuse me, I was just going to go with my old husband. Oh, no. Oh, you are going to visit your husband? See you're on good terms. Well, you know I fought about it for a little bit of time and I realized I made a mistake.

After all, I'm so done. And Tim Chalberd, I took it out on him. But I realized the secret to a good relationship is just understanding each other one another. Okay, so while you read to me, males, I'm gonna bring your husband back for you, just a second. Oh, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross, gross Oh Oh Every woman is Everybody is dead That happens so fast. It looks like an ale hug them to death

Damn it. Damn He called a Richard. I want to leave after my father. We got to kill this I thought a new tragedy, but now I really know tragedy. Oh, pardon me. I know this is a terrible time for you. But is there anything I can do to ease your pain? You have any bicycle bicycles? Oh, look, there's some right over here.

Yes, delicious. I love a bicycle bicycle All right, well Shit happens Divorced horse do you want to we're gonna answer an email do you want to see do you want to help us with that? Well no one's working at the front desk, but in the bar, but sure all the answers are two or three Oh, okay. Well, here's an email. You can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies this really email address. Here's one that I got recently.

Hello, Arnie, Chunt, and Blue Bean Hot Dish. I don't know if they can. I hailed this after me. I guess it's a name for you. I've been doing some thinking and what if you're not in a different land? Somehow, you magically still have a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, right?

What if that's because this portal you went through actually just shrunk you? You think you're going through these crazy lands because everything is just much larger to you than it once was, just a crazy thought that crossed my mind. Thanks, Benjip the Wise. Are there lots of very, very tiny wizards on your world? Um, I mean, I don't know that much about ants.

Is it possible that this is all just like bugs that I'm mistaking for magical creatures? Am I a bug? Yes, it's divorced horse a bug that's a horse. I mean, this is kind of tripping me out. I'm blowing my mind. I'm like, what? What? Who?

What? What? I mean like what what What I mean what Benjip that email somehow you made this episode weird I'm really freaked out right now. It's alright. It's alright. Just saw my baby and my husband. Another man looks just like my husband but that's dirty. But I was a big truffle fan too. right, now I'm still even more freaked out. I feel like I gotta get it. I gotta get out of here. I gotta go back to the bar.

Uh-uh-uh. You can always come and have a, uh, you know, a repotion on me. Oh shit. Oh, I know. He can't, he can't. Speaking of repotion, I have an email here. You can email me at chunt at gmail.com that's chump with six teas. Hello chunt. I'm an avian ecologist, which is a fancy earth word for someone who's studies birds. I love birds.

I love birds. Can fun. I was wondering, are there different types of magical or even regular birds in food? There are researchers like, are there researchers like me who study them or naturalists who write down observations about the natural world in general, from Dan and him. Well, there are lots of birds. They're asking if they're a magical or regular birds. I just know what my mama told me which was never to look at anybody else's business. I see a bird, I don't go over and I don't look at it, I don't stare at it, I don't

look at their house, take their eggs, I don't look at it. I don't stare it. I don't look at their house. Take their eggs. I just look at it I just walk right by it. I don't see animals. I see creatures. That's that's a very good way to live to voice to us Very grateful and and and respectful. Yeah, I'm I'm animal blind Wait, you do see creatures creatures. They're all creatures. We all creatures creatures I guess I'm one kind to another but there are many magical birds that I imagine wouldn't exist on Arnold's world like the Phoenix is of course a famous magical bird and of course the the droopics okay what's the droopics you don't know what a droop is yeah it's it's the it's the it's the I'm here from the horse well I don't know what a droopix is. You don't know what a droopix is, Charlie. Oh, y'all know what a droopix is.

Yeah, it's the, it's the, it's the, I want to hear from the horse. Well, I don't want to just be a, I don't want to just be a chippin bird, you're talking, blah, blah, blah, blah, this is a me, this is a me. I like hearing all the people explaining that I jump in and I say, if that's true or not.

Yes, but the droopix is a bird that when it flies, it starts, when it flies, it starts to melt. It sort of melts down towards the ground. And once it hits the ground, it dies. And then it's born up at the highest altitude again. It's just like a different type of phoenix. It's a melting phoenix, not a burning one. I would describe it like this. It's a melting Phoenix not a burning one. Yeah, I would describe it like this

It's a bird that melts and then resurrects itself exactly. Oh, that makes more sense. I like the divorce I like the divorce origin place. Well, oh, and you know, I was wondering why we're talking about this and I'm sorry I'm going on and on I've always wondered what's a crumble wolf. Oh Take it away professor Well, you know a crumble wolf. It's just one of those wolves that likes cranberries. Yep. Yep. That's right I Mean I would say a cranberry thief Yes

Shots Those cranberries they don't give a shit, but you know what I'll tell you those those animals are the lowest Oh, they're still just creatures get a job They don't give a shit. But you know what, I'll tell you those animals are the lowest of all. They're still just creatures. Get a job. I mean, it doesn't, it sounds like you're biased. It doesn't sound like you see it's just creatures. No, I just like, you know what?

I have had friends that have had their cranberry eaten by one of those things. You know, I just want to, I don't want to get into it. You can divorce yourself from this situation. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Diverse versus as a token of our apologies, please take this visibility cloak. What's that?

Can you see me? Oh, yeah. That's all I can see. This is nice. I should feel seen. Put this over my rear quarters. You know, I've got to make the bills. You know what I'm saying? I've got to make the bills. You know what I'm saying?

I've got to pay the bills. You got to make the bills or pay the bills. And are you paying the bills you make? I make the bills and then I pay the bills with the ones that I make. Wow. All right. Because that's all I get my money.

I can't stop looking at this horse ass. Oh, well, well, well. If you want to have me make some bills, then you can come on over to divorce horse whenever you want sweetie. I think I know why this didn't work out. That's why. I don't know, the light keeps blinking on this phone and I think it means there's a message.

Ah, no, I should focus on the mission. Here we go. Yusudor the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adelrafi. McTruffleFondue, the candy shop owner, was played by Special Guest Paul Sheer from how did this get made, unspooled, and a bunch of other stuff. When asked what he wanted to plug, he said the final season of the good place, and Miles for Migrants, an organization that matches donated airline miles to migrant families needing

to relocate due to war and persecution. Check them out at miles4migrants.org. That's the number 4, or on Twitter at miles4migrants. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne D. Camp, Matt Young, and Edelre Fye, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimi Lucas, this episode edited by Sage GC, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, it's killing me, I've gotta listen to the message.

Let's see, maybe... Maybe if I press here. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, it's killing me. I've got to listen to the message. Let's see. Maybe, maybe if I press here. Hey, this is Trisha. Again, not really sure why you're not responding, but I've been catching up on some paperwork and I discovered that we still have a temp at the space bunker. So if that's true, then where are you? I'm just going to turn on your phone tracker even though I know that's an invasion of your privacy and technically you said due to power structures you can invade my privacy but I can't invade yours. It says you're on earth. What are you doing on earth?

Oh no it's beeping. Oh no it's beeping. Okay well I got your phone's coordinates so sit tight I'm going to you, okay? I'll be there soon Okay, bye. Oh Maybe if I don't say anything to anyone this will all just blow over I should just go home and hide. Oh, no wait. Sorry. I promise a clip of that stitcher premium episode of behind the tavern where the Spacebucker crew talks about recording their intro stuff And to do that the first person I thought of was Tim Sniffin. Arnie. Why Tim Sniffin?

Did you ask Tim? Did you purposely ask Tim to verbally dismantle us? I don't think you had to ask. How can I gather some of the most talented people I know and get them to all feel bad about themselves? I know and get them to all feel bad about themselves. Well, Arnie, I think we were both working at Jackbox when you began this podcast. So it was wonderful. I just was the first person you physically saw when you decided you needed someone to do this. Arnie's 100% proximity.

You're wrong. You're not entirely wrong. Arnie asked the Peepod delivery guy first. I know. And he was like, I don't know. Not in Delivion. I love the way the show was bookended by this. Who's this? Yes. Um, my name's Matt Young. Huh. Big fan. And this is this is a segment for our former Timelistner. Okay. As always, if you don't have stitcher premium, you know, Big fan and this is this is a segment for Yeah, I'll be listening to more time listener Okay, as always if you don't have Stitcher premium you can go to

Stitcher premium dot com slash magic To get a free month and then you can listen to All of behind the tavern all of earth games All of so much more okay, I'm gonna go Take care of some stuff. It's gonna be okay.