Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 18 - Grounds Keeper

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

The boys meet up with Can and get a tour from the magical groundskeeper.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHornelius the Fintaur: John Patrick CoanLincoln: Evan JacoverTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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All right, Lincoln, almost go time, so let's get hyped about this. Alright, before I turn everything on, let's review all the things I need to cover before starting the podcast. Let's see. First commence listeners that the podcast isn't real, it's simple enough. Let them know there's a bunch of new Magic Tavern merch available including a new use it or shirt a mere banana shirt and some new pins and more Yeah nice

They can find that stuff at tapada co.com or links it. Hello from the Magic Tavern dot com All right, I have to make sure not to forget that ticket so non-sale for all these live Magic Tavern shows in Atlanta, Georgia on January 12th Charlotte, North Carolina on January 13th Portland, Georgia on January 12th, Charlotte, North Carolina on January 13th, Portland, Oregon on January 15th, and Seattle, Washington on January 16th. Okay, and then I have to make sure that people know they can get more links and info at hellofromthemagictavern.com and hitting the live shows tab.

All right, well, that is kind of a lot of pre-roll stuff. I should probably get started recording that. Where is that button? Oh no. Hi, hello, I'm so sorry to interrupt. I'm looking for someone that I tracked to this location. It's really important that I find him. He's kind of hard to describe physically.

Oh hey, ma'am, you cannot be in here. This is a secret government facility and oh shoot. I'm not supposed to say that is secret. Oh, or that it's a government facility because you know, it's secret. You have the demeanor of someone who's recently gone through a lot of psychological abuse. So he must be close.

Hey, your Tricia, aren't you? Ah, gosh, I have a file I need somewhere around here. This all seems potentially very bad. Look, I have to start this podcast transmission, but I promise, afterward, I will try to explain as much as I can. Okay, but in the meantime, do you have a restroom I can use? I had a very long trip across the Infinite Universe to get here. Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magicalical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arne Neacamp. If you've never seen the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I found through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago and to the Magical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff that I somehow use to upload a podcast every week Chronicleing our quest to defeat the dark Lord who has taken over most of this world and our quest has finally brought us to this magical school

Gisal knob prep is that right you said or the Gisal knob preparatory school for young wizards although I have to take Some umbridge with this name for this is not for wizards. It's for to take some umbrage with this name, for this is not for wizards. It's for mages, right? It is for mages and sorcerers and necromancers. Wizards are born into the world, fully formed as I was. From the conspiracy of rain and birds and fire and frogs and swirls and all forces of nature

who decided there must be a champion. Right, right, right, right. And you should have a real quick way. Anybody, mages are moms of all ages. Well, mages are people who have all sorts who learn magic. There are many different types of magic wielders in food, wizards, like I said, are born mages and sorcerers and warlocks, magicians, which is they all have to learn the craft of magic. They may have some innate and magical ability or some particular skill, the so-and-such

as an athlete to a certain sport. Mind freaks. Mind freaks. Don't forget to mind freaks. Yes, they just have to learn magic. That's the only difference. Huh. Why am I excited to be here?

Yeah, child, my other co-host, Sean talking about. Yes, being bothered. I can't believe we're on the only difference. Huh. Why am I excited to be here? Yeah, child, my other co-host, uh, Chunk Talkin' about her. Yes, being barred. I can't believe we're on the school grounds. You know, it's lucky that we skipped lunch today. Mm-hmm. Because famously, you can only appear on the school grounds if you haven't eaten. Oh, really?

Yeah. Anything? Yeah, you can't appear if you ate. Does that make sense? You can't appear if you ate. I can't appear if I ate. You can't appear, right? You can't operate.

Oh! Does it make sense when I do that? Uh, I mean, as much as it's gonna. But so fun. I mean, I'm hungry, but it's so cool. These grounds are so lush and beautiful. Yeah. Oh, yes.

It's a beautiful campus and a wonderful school, run by my friend, Candle Wizard. Oh, he seems great. I I only met him a few times. No, he's not though. Yeah, he's kind of the worst. You know what? I would remove the wood kind of. Yeah, he's the worst. You know how you feel about Drew? He's like our Drew. Don't even remember what you're talking about. Well, let's sweep that in the rug for now and let's, are we supposed to meet up with Can? Yeah, I think we're supposed to meet with Can and he's gonna show us around the school. Uh, you said, I want you telling me that we have a secret mission here?

Oh, yes. In my travels, I have recently learned that there is an agent of the Dark Lord working here at the castle, and that this agent may hold one of the pages of the book of sight. I see, so get this. What we're supposed to do is pretend we're students and go back to school. Is that what's going on? I mean, we're all in classes. We're here for seven years. Seven years. We get our degrees. Hold up. We get our degrees. And then we join the workforce. It's just seven years. Seven years? I can't go back to school. I'm over 300 years old. A seven years old? I can't do half a lindy.

You can't do the triple lindy. I can't do a triple lindy. Somebody has to do the triple lindy. Otherwise, this diving team is screwed. Don't take this the wrong way, but the three of us, if we're going to be spending time here at this school, we're not young. We can't even pretend to be young. We're just like three old dudes. I could pretend to be young. Yeah, I can shape shift in anything now.

All right, shape shift into something young. The snake. I got creases along my eyes. I can feel the creases. Yeah, an eyeshell transform mind-self into a younger version of Mindself. Oh, fortnight. Ooh, I'm going to go into a baby chick. I'm a baby chick. Da-da-da-da. I see both of you are not convincing as being young.

In any way, what do you mean? I'm Yusudor the Blue. Young. And I'm Chant Sodor the Blue. Young. And I'm Chant the Shape Shifter, who's a chicken with plumage like a badger. Okay, and I'm your dad. Yeah. I love clocks. I love just looking at clocks and watching them go tick-tock.

And I love looking at clocks. But my lineage, like, other boosters. Oh, we should be careful while we're this young. Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow! Yes, probably not good fit after all. Well, as much as I would love to attend the school for seven brief years,

I didn't mean picked out everything. What was your name gonna be? F-A-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-N-A-M-E. F-A-N-A-M-E. F-A-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E.

F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E.

F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-E-N-A-M-E. F-A-E-N-A-E. F-A-K-E-N-A-M-E. Yeah, that's F-A-E. Wait, give him a second. F-A-K-E. K-E. K-E.

N-A-K. And a-A. N-A. No, no. A-M-E. N-E. F-A-E-N-E. F-A-K-E.

Second word. N-A-M-E. He picked this name because he loved that story you told us about the X-Men films. Yeah. X.E. He picked to this name because he loved that story you told us about the X-Men films. Yeah. X. M. Never mind. Oh, there's Ken over there.

Oh, you go talk to him, Arnaud. Oh, all right. He told us to meet him by the statue of Frisnap Tingle. Oh, that's right. That's the boy who died. The boy who died. Yeah. Yeah, boy. Wasn't there a prophecy that he was supposed died. Yeah, yeah. You know, boy.

Wasn't there a prophecy that he was supposed to... Yeah, probably. He has got a dark word. Got a pretty bad scar in his head. Got his head cracked open, so it's just a scar split all the way down the middle. Oh, gosh. I guess it's not less of a scar and more of a, I don't know.

Mortal wound. Mortal wound. Oh, gosh. But it's in the shape of a raindrop. Oh, I already died in pneumonia, but I wasn't there, so how would I remember? That scars where the song comes from. What song?

Raindrops keep falling on my head. And now I am totally dead. Dead? That's gonna be a can. Oh, yeah, sure. I have never seen you do so excited to see can. We're not. We're excited to be at the jizzle knob. Oh. Yeah, I also wanted to get out of that terrible bit. Oh sure. Yeah

Hello, can Can't I said hi in your dress used to do first. It's got a shitty move Wizards always first Yeah, they should he move. Wizards always first. Houston and I understand each other in a way that only two wizards can. Yikes. I am sorry, young shapeshifter.

Oh, young. Well, I am eternally old. So yes, we know. We know. Quite young redundant. But compared to the students of Gisborne of Preparatory school for young wizards, you all three are real old. Do you say how to Arnie? Oh, hello, Arnold.

It's Arnie. Thank you. Oh, I apologize. I have not done my due diligence. I am Canificent Dew Spring Master of Space and Time, headmaster of the Gisilnob Preparatory School for long and also a piece of paper. The elves did know me as Kanigan, the ever-living. The elves do know me as Candle-do-spice. The elves will know me as Candy Crowley. The dwarves did know me as candy. And I know you as can we move on from us? The dwarves do know me as can to complete. Can we not? The dwarves will know me as can band scrum master. The vampires did know me as can Drick. Did you say come master? What's that? What did you say? Oh,

now someone's listening. The dwarves in the future will know me as can ban scrum master Don't the princesses know you as dull in the wind the princesses Will know me as dull in the wind Yes, and the princess name is canapenats. Yes canapenats Well, good to see you. We got to be moving on well. No my- I have many more names, but I suppose that's enough for now. I am very busy, and soon I must leave here, but I wanted to welcome you to just a knob, preparatory school for young wizards.

I-I can. We have a favor to ask thee. As I told thee before, I believe there is an agent of the Dark Lord working here at the school. Oh yes, I'm sure there must be at least one. The three of us must work here so that we can find this creature and sus out what they know, and perhaps even find one of the pages of the Book of Site for his belief that this agent may carry one with them in now. Well, you're coming at me pretty hard, old man, but I will out-wit! Yes, I could use the help of you three. Oh good.

To sniff out any minions of the dark lobe that might be at Gisilnab, I would do it myself, but I am off to a meeting of the newly formed wizards guild. Wait, why? BANJO BOWER! that Benjo Pup Tart is also joining. Benjo Pup! Oh! You may now know him as Bloth Brown. Well, of course I know Bloth and I know his other names as well. I sometimes get different periods of time, confused because I am the master of time and space. You say you had to be somewhere? I have to go to the wizard's guild.

Oh, can we real quick before you go? Can we choose what class we teach? Oh. I thought that's what we were going to do, right? Well, there is the on the staff. Yes, well, you know, the staff is not just teachers. Oh, the thing. I don't mean like a fucking jet or something. I mean, we've been looking for a new person to run the cafeteria ever since that crazy fucking weird always fired. Oh, Treffle Fondue? Yeah, we met the... I keep reading children about him. He's here everywhere. Oh yeah, I guess he was a little weird.

So, like some loosens he needs to tie up? Oh yes. Well, I... In retrospect, a real mistake of me to let him work here. Well, I am happy to take any position for this time. I shall commit my magical ways to the ways of subtrafuge, and I shall, from whatever position I am granted, find a way to uncompetit-

Great cafeteria with her, so I am going to be, I thought about this long and hard, and I thought I could teach shapeshifting, but that's something you have to be born with, so it's not like an innate quality. So I thought to teach, stay with me, defense against art history. Oh.

You know how when something comes up to your making conversation a party and somebody starts to talk about different artists and art and different styles and points of view. Well, chopped, we do. It's how to avoid those people. We do need a new professor for defense against art history, but I must warn you. Mm-hmm.

Our last three teachers of that course have died horribly. What, rather, that didn't apply to cafeteria good. In all three of the deaths? What? Yes. What happened to the law for you? The way to defend yourself is to know a little bit about art history. I'll just be in the cafeteria.

Yeah, all right. You'll be fine All right. Well, I must go I Spend a good deal of the year away from the school. I like the kids to figure things out on the wrong You know, I can swoop in when I need to kind of like fix the mess that I've left behind What will happen with the kid who died? Oh? We don't talk about that. There's a statue right there. Oh, sometimes a teaching moment gets a little out of control and a few children die. It's a common teaching practice. I now can.

What about Arnold? What shall he do while he's here? Arnold, what would you like to do? Do I have to have a job? Can I just kind of? Yeah shadow or something? Yeah. Oh, yeah, can I just hang out? Could I shadow? Shadow what? I don't know Just you don't know. You don't even know just be a shadow. Oh, look at the shadows. I'll transform you into my shadow Oh, no live upon the ground other mine feet all the time We were here. No, all right You should live upon the ground, other mind feet were the time we were here. No?

Alright. Of course, can would say that. Yeah, of course it can. No. I like you. I think you're going to do special things. In fact, there's no one in all of Foonai like so much as you. Oh, shit. Here comes that part where Kan likes to do that thing. Where him and the person he likes tells a story

one word at a time. Let's give him a moment. What? You and Arnie tell your story one word at a time. Shot one. That thing you like to do, right? I reckon Kan likes to tell. Have you liked someone?

If he takes that shine to you, he tells the story one word to design with you He can start it on the side. It'll be fun All right tell your story to be on the way tell your story tell your one story Yes, tell sorry one word it's time Greg. Okay, great start Great story that you on Okay, great, great, start. The first word, great. This story that you all know can never send to spring master of space and time.

Hey, who's that guy? Oh, yes, that's Honeelius. He is the perfect one to show you around the school in my absence. Oh, what does he do? Well, he can tell you himself. I want to hear it from you. Well, I know you do, but you don't get everything you want little on. Greetings, friends.

Apologies. You saw me from quite a distance, but I heard my name. Oh, it's just a horse head on a fish body. What is this? I'm sorry? Sorry, I just can't help but notice you're just a horse head on a fish body. Uh, I believe that you've got that backwards. Oh, oh, you're a fish head on a horse body.

Well, you've got it completely wrong actually. What is wrong with your eyes? Let's talk about what we all are. Wait, I want to, what are you going to describe yourself? Well, here, I'll talk about what I am. I am a human head on a seven-year-old human body. Sounds right. And I am a young chicken with a little bit of snake

with a badger coloration to my plumage. Yes. I'm a coalescent force of magic in the shape of a human. Okay. And now you go Cornelius. Cornelius, right? Cornelius. Cornelius. Cornelius. Sorry. The fuck is cool. Sorry, I was thinking about corn. I'm so hungry. We haven't eaten so we could get on to the school grounds.

Describe yourself, Cornelius. Well, I am a fintar. A fintar. I am a fintar. A fintar. Fintar. Fintar. What am I saying? You're saying fintar. Fintar. We're both saying fintar. Fintar. Great. And describe your look. I look kind of like a centaur, I guess, if you want to, yeah. You want to pigeonhole with me. I don't, I don't think so. I look like a centaur, but slightly bluer. Mm-hmm. Slightly. Yeah, you get a little mermaid in you. It's a little hint of blue. It's like, wait, are you blue? Yes. I said that. No, no, I'm saying like, when you look at you, I'm like, wait a second, are you blue?

We're both saying the same thing. Yeah, yeah. It's not an overwhelming amount of blue with that. Yeah, so real quick, whereas I'm clearly very blue. Yeah. Yes, I would describe you as blue. Yes. Yeah, but you're like blue. Yeah, blue.

And not to, I mean, I don't want to dwell on the issue, but am I crazy or are you a fish with a coarse head on you? Yes, I just can't, oh, you are. You're crazy. No. You asked me if you were crazy. Great. So besides blue, ish, how else would you describe your look?

Because I just can't tell what's real and what's not. I've got some sort of illusion. I'm sorry. You're not a giant fish with a horse. All right. I think I've gotten to the bottom of this. Let's work from the bottom up. OK.

How would you describe your, uh, means of locomotion? The bottom tip of you. Yeah, say the legs of a horse. Legs of a horse. Very good. Very good. Then I was way off. Yeah, so, so your your midsection. Yes. Above those legs. What are the legs attached to? Oh, a merman. A merman, yes. Yeah. And then your your face is sort of a m Mer-man. Mer-man. Yes. Say some mer-man on a horse. No. No. You couldn't be more wrong. I am a fin-talk. I've got a mer-man on a horse.

Just so I don't come off as an asshole, I need to let you know I do have visual dyslexia. So sometimes I see in reverse. Honestly, you should have told me that five minutes ago. I should have led with it. I don't apologize. You can't say I don't want to come off as an asshole, take a bit into a conversation. I apologize. Look, This is what you call me Look, chun is gonna see what he's like. Oh, what's hey? I'm not the one. I know you look exactly like you look. Yes

Thanks for showing us around. You're a fin to thank you for showing us around. Thank you I'm a fin to hard. I am the grounds and lakes keeper. Mm-hmm. Do you have to be in water? What's that? Are those gills? Oh, no. Yes, they're gills, but no, I don't have to be in water. Do you like to be in water? I love to be in water.

Do you want to be in water? Have of me does. The horse-up? Well, I think I have to listen to this again. Do you ever need to be in water? Yes. For certain periods of time during the day? Oh, no. No. No, I just need to be in water? Yes. For certain periods of time during the day? Oh no.

No. No, I just need to be in water like when I'm visiting family. Ah! Most of my family lives in the water. And are they also fintars? No. Okay, so they're... How dare you!

I'm sorry. Can I back up? Are you well on... Let's give up some roomies, I'm gonna back up. I don't wanna get kicked. Are you all unfamiliar with the concept of a fin talk? I mean, it seems pretty straightforward to me. It's pretty straightforward.

I don't know what's going on with Sean. So sorry, I'm just hung up on, I can't help but see a giant fish, like a tuna, with the head of a horse. Okay. Which, it makes sense that you're not that because how would you get around? I'm sorry, are you looking at my tattoo?

That's what it is. I need to talk into his tattoo are you looking at my tattoo? That's what it is. I need to draw into his tattoo. Just show that how it is. Oh, so close back. And honestly, you shouldn't back up. You're going to get kicked in the head. Yeah. That's great tattoo though.

What's the tattoo of? This is a fish head on a horse body. Oh, that doesn't have a name. So I still visually dislike this. Well, I'm sorry. That doesn't have a name for that kind of thing. A tattoo? No, a tattoo has been named.

A fish head on a horse body. In a sense, I was looking at the tattoo because the mouth didn't move on it. So now that I see you, that I'm yes, you can see me. Yes. Or Nelius, a fintok. Yes. But my parents are not fintaws.

Oh, what are they? Well, my father is a merman, and my mother is a horse. How do they meet? They were both in a production of East Side Story together. Oh, that's fun. I'm not familiar with that play. This is the second week in a row. We've had a guest who was Mary Toa Horse.

Oh, no, I was a horse. Oh, are you a horse? No, the offspring of someone who was Mary Toa Horse. Okay. Last week we met someone who was actually Mary Toa Horse. Yeah, what are you married to? Now we've had the offspring of someone who was married to a horse. Okay. Last week we met someone who was actually married to a horse. Yeah, what are you married to? Now we've met the offspring of someone who was married to a horse. I'm a person who was married to a horse.

Thank you, my person. I'm a bachelor. You're a bachelor? Yes, I'm a bachelor. So you're a bachelor in the water? A bachelor. Yes, well, no, a bachelor's, it don't kink she me. A kink that I'm into of masturbating alone at a bath.

Oh. For me, a romantic partner that I'm into of masturbating alone in a bath. So for me, a romantic partner is not necessarily. Well, in that case, I think we're all bathlers. Sure. Yes. Well, everyone can be to a certain extent. And you are saying bathler, not bathler, who is that super villain who left clues all around. Oh, no, you're not the bathler. And you're not saying batler, right, which is a Bath Butler?

Correct. OK. Wow, you got the concept of a Bath Butler real quick. Well, we've talked to you forever, but Bath Butler, right off the bat. Well, you all seem to be getting along just fine. So I'm going to make my leave. Always getting on that mop.

We have a friend who wrote a book about this. Oh, OK. That's my mop. I need that, wait a minute. We have a friend who wrote a book about bass. Oh, that's my mop. I need that for the grounds keeping. And legs keeping. I'm quite old. I forget how I get around. Oh, look, he's flying up into the air, feet first. But backwards.

Oh, I know. Oh, it's a weird visual. Mm, yes. So, Hornuleus, you're supposed to show us around. So let's see some of the grounds. Do you have a forest or a lake, or what do you got? Okay, it kind of took the wind out of my sails, but I'll show you the forest, I'll show you the lake.

Okay, chop chop. Okay, try to keep up, I move pretty fast. Okay, really? Well, yes, with my horse leg. Sure, yes. Yeah, I don't want to just get on top of it. Okay, I think maybe you should ask before you do that. No, that's yeah, I want to just get on top of it. There. Okay, let's write you. Sure. I think maybe you should ask before you do that.

No, that's fine. It is. Yes, it's absolutely fine to write a phintar. Oh, yes. Well, phintar's get real pissy when you do that. Well, I'm not a fucking phintar. Well, I know. Okay, just checking.

But you're sort of a blue phintar. And you've been kinda pissy. You are sort of blue. Yes, I'm sort of blue. But guys, guys, seriously. But I'm not a phintar. We could be more distant. No, no, no. You're sort of a. Yes, I'm sort of blue. But guys guys seriously, but I'm not a centaur. We could be more different No, no, you're sort of a blue cent. Yes, you're a fin tar. So let me ask you something in the term centaur Send stands for what 100? For what 100?

So a century tar. Yes, okay, so in Fintar, what is the Finn stand for? Finite? Finite! So you're going to die? Well, no. So are you familiar with the concept of a mule? Sure, yes. With a, well, hold on now, I'm getting this wrong. With a horse and a donkey have offspring, that's a mule.

Or is it horse and mule have offspring that's donkey? No, that's not it. See, this is where you can't be mad at us. Yes, for sure. What's a burrow? That would be a break that's donkey. No, that's not it. See, this is why you can't be mad at us. Yes, for sure. What's a burrow? That would be a hole on the ground. That's where you live. Yes.

Oh, OK. My burrow. Yes, OK. But when a merman has relations with a horse, they produce an offspring that is infertile, hence finite. Oh, yes. What if a mermaid had sex with a horse? That'd be pretty hard, I guess. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yes. What if a mermaid had sex with a horse? That'd be pretty hard, I guess.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be it to that. Oh, I'd like to see that. That whole thought makes a baffler out of me. But please, let me show you around the grounds of assuming you're going to be staying here at the school for quite some time. We're going to be working here, actually.

Oh. You've just joined the staff. Yeah, I've been told I could take the whole day to decide what I'm gonna do here. Oh, well then I'll show you all around and you can decide what duty you would like to putake it. Sure, that's it. But why don't we maybe do you mind

and I lately have been really bad about this? I should let you know. We're recording all of this. I'm what? We're recording all of this. We're leaving it a nut. Okay, so, but not in a scroll. Like usually when someone says We're recording all this. We better not. Okay. But not in a scroll.

Like usually when someone says they're recording this, they're writing something down a scroll. Arnold comes to another world where he can magically capture the sounds of voices. Oh, yeah. He says it's the number one most popular form of entertainment on his world. Oh, it's just... I have to assume that the Conan O'Brien discovered it. Who? Huh?

But I'm letting you know this just because I think we should take a quick break. Yeah, we'll take a quick break. Arnie, just now that my brain's there, what is the pod and podcast stand for? Um, iPod? Okay, and what is the cast stand for? Broadcast? What do they just call it? Broadcast.

Oh, cause that's not cool. So everyone listens to it in a pod? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Wales live in pods. Let's take a quick break and while we're on the break, we'll figure out what horneelius is. Let's take a break. And when we get back, let's not talk about what any words mean anymore. I can dig it. Ah, so that's what you are. Yes. Yeah, and real quick, I'm so sorry. Hmm, where is the fin?

So the merman have tails. Where is your tail? Because it just goes human body and bone. That's you. It's right back here. That's the most tail. But if your dad was a merman, the bottom half of a merman is a fish and it just goes from human

into a horse. But on top half. Because it's my dad. How do you not get this? I'm sorry. I knew. He's the man. He's the man half of a merman.

A bluish. You're the man half of a merman. Yes. And the horse half of a horse. Yes. And this is your shack? Ah yes, this is my shack. I'd go and I'd invite you in, but it's mostly bath.

And this is the lake. And again, I take care of the lake. It's actually a lake dingle-dong. Oh, yes. Is that, I know that there's a house, dingle-dong, a jizzle knob, which came first. Which came first? Oh, I don't know.

There's lots of witches that come first here. Oh, no, sorry. You miss on a stat in the question. How do you know that I wasn't answering the question I was asking you know what you're right. I don't know. Let's see did he miss understand your question I wanted to know what witches come first in this school never do you fuck me? I'm wrong If they students come first That's the jizzle on promise. How do you spell it?

Jizzle up I have no idea guys. How should I know? I have no idea. Guys, how do I know? I'm a literate, by the way. Oh, I'm visually desensit. So, finally, we're on the same day. Come see, come talk. How did we get off on the wrong foot? Should we, would this be crazy if we or this come seesaw?

What are you saying, Ernie? What do you say? I don't really stop me on my tracks. You say, are we crazy? And that the badger said, come see, so. I think we're crazy. Chicken snake. Oh, yes, chicken snake, a whole lot of half

it doesn't have the ether. I know this is a weird thing to suggest and people don't really do this in real life, but should we all just start over? Somehow we got off on the wrong foot. Should we meet you again? We could? I think that's a very good idea. Let me get down off your back here and we'll walk maybe 30

paces, you go 30 paces that way and maybe come out of the lake. That might be dramatic. And we'll turn and remade each other. Yeah, okay, here we go. Here we go. Oh, hello. Hey, greetings, trapeze. I am hollies. Pleasure to meet you, honey. I am the grounds keeper slash lakes keeper here, and you're like a horse with a fish head. Oh, I'm sorry

You're like a horse with a fish head. I'd love a horse with a fish head Okay, thank you. You're welcome Look I might be totally wrong to look at you, I think you're a slightly blue centaur, who looks like a centaur, but you can easily mistake your top half for a centaur half, but it's really a mermaid half. My top half for a centaur half. Yes, I guess so, but to say that to a fintaur

is incredibly offensive. Oh, okay. Because a centaur is a creature, and they spawn out the centaur, and there have been centaur for centuries. A fintaur is a freak of nature. Oh, a centaur Because a centaur is a creature, and they spawn out the centars, and there have been centars for centuries. So, Fintaur is a freak of nature. Oh, centaur of the century, Centaur. What is the Taur stand for?

Taur, just Taur. You refer to yourself as a freak of nature. Yes. Well, I disagree. I think you're delightful, and I'm very glad to have met you twice today. Oh, no, I agree that I'm delightful, but I'm also a freak of nature.

I don't believe that those two are mutually exclusive All right, I understand and real quick that blue wash is off. Oh, yes. Oh, we want to get it in my bath and find out I'll give you a hit you don't All right shows the ground. I don't know he might knowing him. He might well Cornelius shows the ground that that Cobblestone path this way is the way to Vander Village Where we were just there. Oh, it's the new already know. Don't know why you needed the tour But that's really the only thing we know we just came from there. We know the ground

We know we know the real so this cobblestone path is now. Yes cobblestone path to the west here is the Kandakin forest Oh Oh, so you're familiar with the Kandakin forest. No, it's my first time seeing it in person. I've heard of it before. And so it's like a tree top and then a Kendakin bottle. I'm sorry? I think a tree top. No, it's named the Kendakin forest for the murderer

Kendakin. Oh, no. Escaped into that forest and is still what we know at large today. Is it true that if you say his name three times, he appears? I don't fucking know. Why would I do that? Well, let's find out. No, no, no, no.

No, no. All right, I've already said the name of the forest enough times. So do you have to say it three times in a row? Same person. I don't know. You're all asking me about a thing that I've never tried. Pudy Kill. Also his name is Candy Kane.

His name is Candy Kane. You have to be specifically saying his name and meaning it as his name and not just, you can't just say the words Candy Kane referring to the Candy three times. That's a good point. It's all about intention. Is his name Andy Kane?

And you have a speech impediment? Yes. His name's Andy Kane. That's why it's called the Candy Kane Forest. Guys, I know this is crazy for me to suggest. Should we start just start over? Should we start over? Yeah, we should do it.

Yeah, we should go through all the way. Yeah, we should go through all the way. Yeah, we should go through all the way. Yeah, so this time, I think we should come out of the lake. The three of us. Yeah. I mean, I'm willing to try anything at this point. You come from who knows where and then we'll come out of the lake.

You're all going into the lake? Yeah. Okay. I've come into a lake, but out of a lake, this is crazy. No, I don't want to go. do about aim. Okay, here we go Go, go, please. Here we go Oh, hello stranger. Greetings, Flint. I am Yusudor the Blue Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius. Who be the I am Honelius

Fintah in grounds keeper slash lakeskeeper of Jizzanab. Ah, what a fortunate lock for this very day. We've accepted positions at Jizzanab and we need a tour of the grounds, and the lake, and the castle. Okay. Well, you just came out of the lake, which pretty gross, huh? Yeah.

We're in there. Yeah, it's a little weird. I saw you had your mouth open going in there. That's a big mistake. Yeah, I made that choice. Yes. I stuck with it. Are you a horse with a fish head? Yes. What are you?

I am a fint off. You're offended? Great. Yes, I'm very offended. I want to be clear about that. You say you're offended? That's what I did say. Yes, I'm offended.

By the way, you didn't see my mom and dad down there, did you? Oh, oh. When you were in the lake. And the lake? Yeah, I mentioned it with my family. I lived in the lake. I saw a couple of mermaids. I did not see any whores inside the lake.

That's my dad and my uncle Roy. Oh, I hate that guy. Roy? Yes, my dad. Why do you hate Roy? You know, it's just kind of like a douchebag. Are you familiar with the concept? Yes. Yes. He smokes palmalls just kind of like a douchebag. Are you familiar with the concept? Mm-hmm.

Yes. He smokes palmalls and he's got a slayer tattoo. Ornius? Yes, do you mind coming here? No, just be careful. You talk about douchebags. Yes, I used to do it when he was at the great halls of Trockis. Oh, no.

Spindex told me that some of them called him douche, UC. No. Oh, I'm so sorry. Should I apologize? No, because that's going yeah, yeah, yeah, okay and real quick Uh-huh. Just between you now sure so you're like a fish Like would you would you would you say on a fit would you worms? I need worms. Why you have one. Okay. Let's go back. Hold on. Oh hold on. See you Do I have work I'm not a head work. Don't fucking off a one. If you don't have I don't have I've had words Are you holding no? Do you have one? I mean, I don't fucking have worms. I don't fucking off a worm, but you don't have a worm. I don't have worms.

Are you holding? No. Do you have worms? I've had worms, but not in the way you do. You think, don't get between a finton as worm. Worms? I'll cut you. Oh, I see how you four have met.

All guests have arrived. I am Canifus in Doospring, master of space and time. Dean of the Giselaan Preparatory School for Yen. Oh, can we already make you have this? You've already had this. I have never met you before. Okay. The elves did know me as Kanagan, the other living.

Do you know what people do now? Yes, do you want to cut him off? You know, you should be careful what you call people. Yes, you don't know them. They really understand them, you know, maybe the name, the cruel name you've given them, will stick with them for a long time. If anything, we've all certainly learned that lesson today.

Yes, I think so. So, do you have a horn? What's that? Do you have a horn? Yes. Do you have a trick? That's what he is. Oh, yeah.

It's like a flag. It's a quadecopia. Yeah, it's like a quadecopia. It's like a vampire's dude. Likeia. Yeah, it's like a group of vampires do. Like a horny, you know, yeah. Well, by the way, do you want to go in the castle? I can show you the cafeteria. Yeah, let's take a look around. I thought you were the Laking Groundskeeper.

Yes, but I have this big old ring of keys that can get into the castle as well. Oh, why don't you add castle keeper to your slash? There's a title. There's a different castle keeper. Yes, yeah, he's a real punisher, so I wouldn't want to Frank Frank Castle Rebelser

Castlekeeper and I would like what's that mean? Yes, why isn't anyone asking obvious question. What is he? What do you mean? I gotta say we throw that question around a lot. That's it. I take one look at it You know what he is. Yeah, fucking fish with the horse body is what he is Not a word for that what that is but three words a fish with horse body No, there's nothing clever no clever man today's the fish with the horse body is what he is Frank Castle keepers in your dickhead and I would I would a real dickhead So he's Castlekeeper's a dickhead. And I would, I would. Wait, a real dickhead? So he's a horse of the dickhead.

Yeah, I call fish dicks. By the way, would you all like some fish dicks? Are you saying fish dicks or fish dicks? Do you want one of that? You know as soon as you're doing a dickhead. I am hungry. You'll know exactly what it is. Is the suit as a dish.

What's that? Do you have charter sauce? Yes, we have charter sauce. Charter sauce. Oh God, I hope I'm not recording. All right, so let's see the castle here. Yes, so welcome. Have you ever been inside? No, we've only heard lore then welcome To schizelnab. Oh, oh, you threw glitter in my face. I'm sorry. I should normally have enough glitter for everyone's face That's okay. I was in the lake and supposed to my glider got wet. Yeah, fair. Okay, let me just open the door

No, not this key. Let's see. Well the four of you seem to be getting along this key. Fine My can goodbye can this key Not this is none of these keys the doors are just open. Sorry. So sorry. That's all right. Yes Oh, it's magnificent Beautiful castle. Yes, wow. It's unbelievable that the entry to the castle is a forest's all right. Yes. Oh, it's magnificent. What a beautiful castle. Yes. Wow, unbelievable that the entry to the castle is a forest and a lake.

Yes. Oh, and you're just in the entry to the, oh, you just said that? Yeah. Oh, most people are surprised by that. No, I caught on pretty far. Oh, yes. Do you take care of this forest and this lake?

Is that okay? That's a Frank Castle Keeper's whole thing. He's all inside the castle. I'm all outside the castle. And that's why this one looks so much better. Yeah. And there's not a murderer hiding in this forest. I cannot catch it. That's not your fault. Yes, it is. It's my number one task. What do you can't catch him even though you know you can summon him just by saying his name three times. I don't know that and I won't know that because I'm not going to take the

easy way out. I think we should try. Let's try and summon him and then just grab him okay, okay. Yes, Andy Kane Andy Kane Andy Kane Hey to go sprinting to go sprinting. Oh, he's back I'm the kid with the deal. That's how it after I let it or a pair as I'm a literate as high as I hate to do this Yes, it's his name and he Kane? I thought his name was Candy Kane. No, it's a Candy Cade forlist. His name is Andy Kane. Is that short for Andrew Kane? Up there he goes again.

Bye. Now he keeps getting chipping birds. So that's not the worst thing in the world. No, that's fine. They're clever. They're the most expendable. Oh, okay. Yeah, we ever the year we let in more and more chipping birds

just because we know we're gonna lose some. So what do you do? Obviously you try and track down the serial killer. What do you do to tend to the lake to tend to the forest? What are like your day to day duties? Walk us through, because already it's looking for a job here at the time. Yeah, that's right. I have somehow completely forgotten that I need to figure out how to do. Walk us through your sort of bullet points of like what you do every day? So the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning is I drag the lake to get rid of all of the ponds come.

Okay. So what? Sorry, why was that? I drag the lake to get rid of all the ponds come. Okay. Yes. Okay, I'm just gonna let that go. Great.

And you're really gonna want to use a couple of different nets because they're gonna get pretty gunked up throughout the dragon. And after the lake is clean and clear, which obviously haven't gotten to yet today. Sure, sure. And it was a full moon by Stites. Wait a second, we were just in that lake.

Yes, you are. His mouth was open. Well, okay. The little chicken one. His mouth was open the whole time. So I couldn't recommend. After I'm done with that, I usually take a bath. A couple hours in the bath.

Okay, we forgot about that. Yes, the first time we met you. First, sure. And then of course I go into the candy cane forest. I try to find that damn candy cane. I usually get caught up in one of his snares and one of his traps. I end up in that for a couple of hours. So he said...

So he said... Yeah, he's got a hold drumline in there. He sometimes will set me up with a drumline and they'll get blasted by a Nick Kaden as well. Did you say you saw your way out of the... Yes. Yes. So you bring a saw every day. Well, I have this ring of keys.

With me that I always carry with me. And one of these keys is a saw. Oh, okay. It's not this key. So yes, not this key. So this is not these keys. It just... Let's just hope it's up here. All right. So then that not this key. So this is not all these keys. It just not just opens up here. We got So then that is the majority of my day. I also

Relive a lot of the lava fields I really snake the snake pets You re snake the snake pets. Yes. Oh, yeah a lot of those snakes are gonna start eating each other or eating themselves Men it's so close to the lava fields. We're losing many, many snakes after they just took the lava fields. And how do you re-snake a snake field? I'm sorry, it's a lava field in a snake pit. I'm sorry, how do you re-snake the snake pit? Well, we go into the lava field and we gather the snakes. OK.

Throw them back in the pit. Yes. Lava field, snake pit, snakes to the pit. Any more brain busters? No, I think I'm good. Good. This one. What do you eat?

What is that? What do you kind of eat? Oh, would you like to go into the kitchen and see what our kind eats? Yeah. What do you mean, your kind? Wait, then, ground skippers. Oh, ground skippers.

Yeah, yeah. Just two ground skippers eat. Well, my favorite food is worms. I love worms. I'm not going to eat that. No, we've learned that from the second time. I'm tons of worms. So, you got your whole new worms?

Oh yeah, I'm good friends with birds. Hell yeah. Hey, would you like some worms? Please, yes. Oh wow, this... Oh, we snorted. Oh. Interesting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, I'm sorry to do this. Oh, that's true. You're half a cent of the worm. Your human nose snorted worms. I'm having a human nose Well, I got human nothing about man. You're a man nose. Thank you worms And then you braid like a horse or we need like a horse. Uh-huh But I thought the horse half was the bottom half sure. That's why I do hit

Do worms hit me in my bottom half? So what do you do? Wait, wait, wait, I think I figured out how we're gonna solve it. Perfect. What kind of dick you got? Zip. Flopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopopop If I'm being honest, Andy came, took my dick. All the more incentives to drag him down. Well, I mean, I'm not getting that dick back, my man. That dick long gone. Ooh, that's a lot of that.

Just regular gone, right? That's respectable gone. Unfortunately, I got my dad's dick, as they say. I don't think anybody says that. Yes, what? Got you dick. Got you. He had dick.

I know a dad will I see him. So may I ask a clarifying question? Got you, Dick. See, that's Dick. I know what dad will I see him. So may I ask a clarifying question? I wish you would. You're upset that you got your father's genitalia. Yes. You didn't want your father's dick. You wanted your mother's dick? I wanted my mother's species dick.

As we all know, dick is passed on from the maternal grandfather. Yes. Also hairline. So, yes, it's going to find. Yes, what I'm working with. But all my mates are bald too, so that's theirline. So, yes, what I'm working with, but all mermaids are bald too, so that's the other thing. So, either way, I was kind of done with.

All mermaids, not just mermaids. No, mermaids are bald. Mermaids is the plural of mermaids. Okay, I can't help but ask some questions here. Okay. You should, I wanna see the kitchen. That's why you all be spitting the majority of your time, man. In the term mermaids, mermaids, to see the kitchen. That's why you all be spitting the majority of your time I'm in the term mermaid or more man. What is the Merstand for?

Why are you familiar with the Bible? Three wise men for I could sense more and what is the Bible? Yes, I'm not familiar with the Bible. Oh the the bisexual ball. Yes. Yes. I know the Bible That goes west. Yes. You're familiar with Bible goes west. Yes. Oh yes. It's a story of a bull who's finding his sexuality, their sexuality as they go further further west. And yes that should clear things up. Okay. Great. So no more questions. Oh guys guys. I'm so sorry. No. A horny elias. Do I? I talked to my friends? No, just play my pan flute. Guys, I know we were talking about spending a long time

at Jizalau, but I appreciate just getting out of here. No, no, no, we must find this agent of the dark lord. He said pan flute, but that's clearly a guitar. Also, he's not a pan. Yeah. So wouldn't it be a phintoflute? What are those keys open? Because none of his keys worked on anything.

And one of them was definitely not aes. What? What? Ha. I'm not tornadoes. Hold on. Okay. Are you? Yes. Andy came? No. No.

Andy came. No. I'm not Andy. No! No! Damn it. Can we be honest? Yes.

When you revealed that you weren't hornelius, that meant nothing to us, because it's just the name that you said you had. I'm Frank Castlekeeper. Your Frank Castlekeeper? Yes. So you tricked us because... You just wanted to say positive things about Frank Castlekeeper

and how he's so much better than you are? Well, if I'm being honest, I wanted you to be impressed with the inside of the castle. No one actually takes care of the outside of the castle. In fact, it's just, well, just students jacking off into the lake and a murderer who lives out in the woods. So it's pretty rough out there. But the inside's so nice that felt like if I could tell you that there's this hornelius, that by the time you saw this and met Frank Castlekeeper, you'd be impressed.

Well, I will say it's impressive to meet you, Frank Castlekeeper, and we're gonna cut some of this audio out, but we met you in like 13 little episodes, and I feel like four or five would have been just as good. Yes, that's true, but the foggy parts were pretty great, huh? And I know there's a nice fog coming in for you. Yeah, you're right. The foggy parts by the leg.

To the fog coming off the leg. Sure. I do sort of hate to do this, but now that I know that you're not hornelius and you are Frank Castlekeeper, I have to ask, what are you? I'm a centaur. You are a centaur. Yeah, I'm a centaur. You are a centaur the whole time.

I was a centaur the whole time, I was a centaur the whole time. So it is paint. So you were just painted yourself blue. I painted myself slightly blue. And you shaved your head? Yes, I shaved my head. I actually had a student to do it for me. Okay. Yeah. You usually have long flowing. Yes, the Centaur hair, just classic Centaur hair. Centaur hair. Centaur is a beautiful hair. But you did lose your dick. Well, yeah, that is a chopped off dick. That's for sure. I mean, I look right here behind the horse tail. Oh, yeah, I can't fake that. That's what I'm really, that's for sure. I mean, I look right here behind the horse tail. Yeah, I can't fake that.

That's what I'm really, that's what I'm working with. I can't fake that. Can't fake that. But that is, yes, that is a dick. So a rid of dick. Do you mind, is it crazy if we remete you? Yeah, let's start over. No, it's okay.

You just tell us you're offering up the best. Yeah, sure, just tell us you are. Yeah, Frank has a paper. Yeah, absolutely, that's not a problem. Is that okay? Yeah, that's a little bit of a problem. Also, I just why I don't do this normally, but if there's anyone on Earth that intercepts these things

and edits these down, maybe just like cut the middle part out, and we'll just go from to this part, right? Although, it's something we need to keep. There's a few loose ends. Who are that Merman and Roy down there? Those are not relatives? Those are not relatives. That is that Merman and Roy down there? Those are not relatives?

Those are not relatives. That is a Merman and that is Roy. And Roy. And they are perfect cutouts for those real. Those are real. Those are real Merman. Roy is an absolute dickhead. Oh.

But honestly, you'd be a dickhead too of students who are jang off into your whole life. So when you go into the lake, you can't breathe? Oh no. No, no, no, no. Could you? No. Not really. Could you? No. Not really.

Not really? No. A little bit. Yeah, well, yeah, I can breathe a little bit of that. I can stay there for a couple hours. I mean, you still always say that can breathe calm, but that was all I think that was just like a body thing people would say.

Oh, that was just something that people would say. Yeah, it was. It's a no, I can't breathe in the lake. No. None of us will go in the lake. No, let's stay in the castle Let's just turn around okay turn back around and we'll Hello, hello, it's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Yusudor. This is Arnold and my friend Chant. It's Arnie

And actually the castle doors are open so we're just gonna head in so nice to meet you. Yes Good, good, okay, head into the castle I'm just gonna head in, so nice to meet you. Yes, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good. Okay, head into the castle. I'm, Frank Castle Keeper, I kinda keep the castle here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, every time he went anywhere, he just rolled. When I climbed on his back, I was on a fan. But he said he was just a center. Yeah. Did we die?

I'm going to teach our cane history. I'm going to teach math. I think I'm going to be the teacher of defense against our history. And my first job is to fire Frank Castlekeeper. Frank? You can fire me? Wait, who is this? Who's that?

Are you Frank Castlekeeper? Yes, I'm Frank Castlekeeper. But back I you Frank Castlekeeper? Yes I'm Frank Castlekeeper. But that guy over there, that centaur said that. He was Frank Castlekeeper. That? Yeah. That's Andy Kane. Son of a bitch. He cut off his own dick.

I knew it. Sure he did. Son of a bitch. He's insane. And you know what, that other guy that kept appearing, I think that's Andy Cap. Who? The guy who kept grabbing kids and running into the forest? Can. Where's Can? I want to talk to Can!

I think both cans are gone. Yes, well, Can't even keep wanting to be back until the end of the school here. Okay. So, real quick. Uh-huh. What are you? Me? Yeah.

I'm a fish with a horse hair. Ha ha ha! Finally! Yes! What do you mean finally? Oh, finally. Frank Castle Keeper, it is a pleasure to meet you. And it's a pleasure to meet all of you! Okay, so I'm not going to waste any mental energy trying to understand what just happened

in that episode. What I want to know is what exactly is going on here? Well, this is a secret government facility set up to monitor the dimensional anomaly across the street at the Burger King. Okay, that's what I was worried about. Yeah, that was Phase 1. Phase 2 has been to intercept the podcast coming through the anomaly and to bookend it with propaganda to keep our citizens from knowing it's real. But you're not the space bunker high command.

Oh no, look, I should probably get these made of credits out of the way real quick and then I'll answer your questions, okay? Oh sure, I get it. You don't want to disrupt the format too much. Usador The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant The Talking Badger was played by Adlerify. The school grounds keeper, whoever he was exactly, was played by special guest John Patrick Cohn. Check out his hilarious podcast, Hey Riddle Riddle, where he Adelrefy and

Aaron Keefe tried to solve terrible riddles. It comes out every Wednesday from Headgun. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adelrefy. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Anna Hoverman, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Pollard. There, okay, that's done. Now what did you want?

Wait, so why does this government agency care about the podcast? Oh, wait, sorry, one more thing. Hey listeners, just a heads up that the podcast is taking a week off for Thanksgiving, but we'll be back with a new episode on Monday, December 2. Okay, sorry about that. So I don't know if you know about this, but a half a year ago, this podcast was weaponized by forces on the other side of the dimensional anomaly, and the season finale almost destroyed Earth.

Well, if people knew that the threat was real and almost ended life as we know it, oh man, the ensuing panic would be crazy and incredibly destabilizing. So we fired the mysterious consultant to help us continue the fiction that the podcast is fiction. We even got Apple Podcasts to introduce an audio fiction category, so we could get a classified as that nice, right? And I'm guessing that the mysterious Consultant as you call him has been adding fake space bunker background sound so that the space bunker high command Won't realize that he's really on earth

Lincoln stupid. I forgot to turn the fake space bunker on Beyonce on one second I forgot to turn the face, face bunker, ambiance on. One second. There we go. Eh, no one would probably notice that, right? If your government is really worried that people will freak out if they realize the podcast is real, why don't you just stop it? You know, shut down the Wi-Fi or something else, technical. Because we're using the podcast to collect intel for phase three.

What's phase three? What's phase three? What's phase 3? It's only my favorite phase of all the phases. Ah, well, I shouldn't tell you this, but our government is going to rescue Arnie Neacab. Holy shit. Pretty cool, right? Yeah, it's pretty something. Thank you.