Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 19 - Professor's Wardrobe

Episode Date: December 2, 2019

Arnie, Chunt, and Usidore settle in to their new jobs as professors at Jizzleknob Preparatory School for Young Wizards.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLincoln: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Hey, it's Lincoln in the space bunker. Wing-Wink. It's set it out loud. That was dumb. Oh crap, I forgot to turn on the fake bunker and the aunts. There we go. Anyway, so the consultant's still gone and Trisha stepped out to see a little bit of Chicago, which is great.

Got to see the bean, but yeah, she's been missing for like a week. Eh, the city's mostly a grid though, she couldn't have gotten that lost. Regardless, I'm going to keep listening to the podcast and gathering important intel. But first, a quick heads up that there's a new spin-tax, the green spin-off podcast called I Am Spin Tax. There are two episodes already available on Stitcher Premium with more new episodes coming out weekly. Spin Tax with his own podcast.

Oh man, what a time to be alive. All of a clip of the show that you can listen to after the episode. As always, if you don't have Stitcher Premium, you can get a free month by going to StitcherPremium.com slash magic. And then you can listen to I Am Spin Tax, Earth Games, Behind the Tavern, offices and bosses, and more. Man, we have a lot of spin-offs now. That's Stitcher premium.com slash magic. Speaking of cool things to listen to on Stitcher Premium, Marvel released a new podcast about the Fantastic Four called Marvels based on the graphic novel by Kurt Bussick and Alex Ross. The show is set in New

York City after a battle between Galactus and the Fantastic Four that immerses you in the real world of the Marvel universe and the lives of the people who inhabit it. It's written by Laura Shipin, the writer of the Bright Sessions, and directed by Paul Bay from Black Tapes in the big loop. That's some serious audio drama pedigree there. And guess what? They're both friends of the podcast. So that's cool Huh friends of the podcast. I should include that in my report There we go If you want to give Marvels a shot go to stitcher premium dot com and sign up with the code magic or going to stitcher premium dot com slash magic Also works both ways will get you a free month trial of Stitcher Premium.

That's Stitcher Premium.com with the promo code Magic. That's done. So let's get to the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King

through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, Chronicleing, Our Quest to Defeat the Dark Lord, which has somewhat recently brought us to Gisilmop Preparatory School for Young Wizards. Where, you know what, we got jobs as teachers. I've set up the podcast in the Teacher's Lounge area. And, you know what, this week, I'd just like to have like a chit chat session with some of my other teachers about what it's like to teach at a magical school. I am joined, as always, by my peers, Chant the Talking Badger.

Professor Chant? Oh, Professor Chant. Thank you so much. And also, Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Rail, Mothathesius Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, Dvor of Chaos,

Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the elves Nomeus Fying Elk, the dwarves Nomeus ZoninHook Stenges, and I am known in North East as gas-mainiest May Star. And there may be other secret names, ye gentle listener, names so powerful that if I did air utter them aloud, every fruit upon the fruit tree I was near would wither and die. Yeah, the students at Jizzle knob know you as a professor of the blue. Yes, that's right.

They call me Professor the Blue now. Everyone loves me here. So wait a second. Both of you are professors? Yeah, I got tenured. Uh-huh. You got tenured already? We've been here for just a couple weeks.

Well, they promised me ten more years. I got tenured. Oh, God. And look, Arnie, I sewed leather into my fur on my elbows. That? And I have this pipe now. That's bleeding. I have this nice pipe. 10 years. Oh god. And look Arnie, I sewed leather into my fur on my elbows. I have this pipe now. That's bleeding. I have this nice pipe. I ripped it out of the bathroom wall. I've been bonking other teachers on the head with it. That's not good. The professors are supposed to have a pipe. Can I just start referring to myself as a professor? You could,

I suppose. I mean, we're in the professor's wardrobe, right? Yeah, I guess this teacher's lounge is called the professor's wardrobe. Well, I'm saying the teacher's on. That'd be crazy. It's a professor's wardrobe. Oh, okay. Well, we're in the sort of like private space for the teachers and professors of the school to kind of hang out, let loose, complain about the students. It's a bigger one, so they call it a professor's wardrobe. If it's a smaller one at a different school, they called a professor fuel. You know, I'm not that familiar with what the sort of

Universities of this world are like is just will not like on the smaller side medium side bigger side It's pretty large. One of the larger schools for young mages and Necromancers to come and play their trade. There are smaller, more private institutions, and of course there's a very, very large school down in the Migosion aisles. Oh, what's it called? Thunderwist. Thunderwist? Thunderwist- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Thunder- Oh, isn't that amazing? That's my little eggie, baby. Yeah, has anything hatched out of the egg? No. Oh, so it's just a... Not all eggs hatch, Arnie.

Not all eggs hatch. Oh. That's a proverb, which means professional verb. Oh, okay. To go. Some verbs, sure. Get promoted. They're professional verbs.

Yeah. What would be an example of just like a amateur verb in? Towards oh But speaking professionals to go back to my question from before Can I just start referring to myself as like professor Arnie or I guess professor knee camp? I suppose technically you could but I don't know that you should it's possible There's a power said to be, it can make sure up and say, you have not been granted the power to profess your ship.

I'm going to love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. That's really good. That's my favorite part of... That's my favorite part of the Batman story. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is.

I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is.

I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. I have no idea what that is. say that's my favorite part of that's my favorite part of the Batman stories in horny tells us when Alfred Pennyworth goes master Wayne don't go in there don't go in there yeah and then it goes to pops out yeah somebody should have stopped him but he went in there yeah yeah yeah somebody did stop him. Yeah, it's true. You know, I take degrees seriously, but I want to just start calling myself Professor Necan

because I feel like my students don't really respect you. Respect me. Okay. Like, we'll talk us through how's class been going. You're teaching math. I'm teaching math. Okay, woof, woof, woof, woof. Yeah, which I gotta be honest,

I don't know a lot about math, so I've sort of segwayed it into talking a lot about like Earth science, which is what I used to refer to just like Earth stuff. Okay. But now wait, hold on here. You're teaching a class about Earth stuff. Yeah. After years, I'm telling us that you don't want to talk about Earth stuff.

You now are telling me that you're doing it for a living. Yeah, fuck you here. Do you want to audit my class on earth stuff? I don't particularly want to audit your class. I want to be treated with respect. I think I've earned over these past few years and have my questions answered, whatever I ask you about earth things.

Well, you know, as a professor at Gisilnab, you can audit my class for half price. And our name is a math teacher. Audit stands for Aud integer. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, what is an audit integer? Uh, in.

Okay. Toward. All right. So I've been teaching the class, and the first day I sort of tried to think, what are some things that I remember from math classes when I was growing up? And so I spent the first day really just sort of

trying my best to explain the plot of Donald Duck and math magic land. But it's very confusing, it's kind of picker-ass, there's not a lot of story that goes in one direction. Had a hard time, they didn't really get what a Donald Duck is. And what is a Donald Duck? You said it's a pantless, free president?

Ha! It's a duck with like anger issues. And what's a Donald Duck? He said it's a pantless, free president. It's a duck with like anger issues. And what's a daffy duck? It's a duck with anger issues. And a daisy duck? It's a duck that is somehow gotten its anger issues under control and it's a ducking. It's a food that gives you digestive issues.

And a ducking cover? I don't know. A ducking cover? Duck blind? Duck blind? What is it? What is a duck blind? You were answering all of Chun's questions

when he was saying duck begs. Well, yes, it was. If you want me to answer your questions, you can audit my class. Yes, we have. As a professor of jizzle knob, you can audit the class for half price. Ooh.

But anyway, I just don't feel like you guys are not a big deal. Yeah, you're not getting paid? No. Chunt. I guess Aegee, baby, is getting free tuition.. Chant. I guess Aegee Baby's getting free tuition. Oh, yeah. That's probably it.

Oh, yes, of course I'm getting paid. I am a wizard. A natural force of nature and magic, and I have come here to teach these students not how to do magic. But of the history of magic. Oh, are you teaching history of magic? Ah, Cain history is my subject.

I teach them about all the amazing things that have happened in the past with magic. Is your class okay because I heard a few days ago there was an arcane fire? There was an arcane fire. And there was a funeral? There was a funeral, but... Did they read from the neon Bible? We did read from the neon Bible, and I'm glad that you're saying these things. I think people came in all the way from the suburbs.

Well, and the new one. I don't think I have that one. Yes, class is going good. Oh, yes, it is so wonderful to see young minds come alive when you regale them with the tales of foolish history, especially the history of magic. You said, okay, I asked it. Please don't take this question the wrong way, but are your students really into what you're teaching, or is your personality just predisposed to assuming they're into what you're saying. Now, I understand why you would say that. I am a big enough person to accept my own foibles, but I believe they're actually quite engaged. In fact, many of them are so enrapsured that they have grown eyeballs on top of their eyelids. What?

They close their eyelids and on top of their eyelids, I see another set of eyes. Wow, that sounds like, yeah, growth, literal growth. Yes, they snow loudly through the entire lecture, but I can see them watching intently. Huh. Hmm. Do they blink at all with these new sets of eyes? No, they are so transfixed, they can't even blink.

That sounds unsettling. Though it is a little bit, but they're very engaged, and often they are so transfixed, they can't even blink. That sounds unsettling. No, it is a little bit, but they're very engaged. And often they're so engaged that they come up to me after the class and they say, when you have this beyond the exam, and I say all of it, and then they look quest-fallen. Because they don't want to just take a test, they want to learn it for their own edification. Chant, how are the students in your class? Pretty good. So I am teaching defense against art history.

Obviously, I would prefer to teach transfiguration. Sure. That seems like, you know, I'd be a shoeing for that, but of course, a Gromulon pumpkin dragon, what's his name? It's not a silly name like crom. It's, God's God, the pumpkin dragon. My apologies. God's God, the pumpkin dragon has that class on lockdown.

So I'm sure all only last year with the offense against our history. So well, I've heard that every teacher of defense against our history has died horribly and the stereo. It's true. Can very specifically mention that to us. That's fine. I think that about that. They haven't been able to keep a teacher for that class more than four weeks at a time.

And it's already been two weeks! Huh, it's ominous. I don't have anything strange happened. Have you seen any monsters or any... any danger of foot? Well speaking of the Fence Against Art History, a lot of the paintings in Gisilnab have been slashed by a specter or some sort of some some school or ghost or something. All the kids have been seeing it. Unless it's my kids playing a prank on the school. And then good job kids. Keep at it. The kids

talk to you about the things going on in their lives. Oh, yeah, they come up to me after every class and like, Professor Chant, can we get more homework? Can we what are you up to? Yeah, they're really engaged. I mean, to be fair, a lot of times during class, I'll cut open a cow and just show figures in its blood, because I'm kind of checked out. So I'll just be like, for the next hour, just watch what's being presented in the cow's blood. Oh, my students just mostly say things like, fuck you, shut up. Are those answers,

though? Please stop talking. What are the math problems you're presenting? Because that could be an answer. Oh, that's a good question. Have any of my math problems had the answer? Please stop trying to explain this weird duck to us. Is this an opportunity for growth? Could you take some of this feedback and perhaps do as they say and shut the fuck up? Yeah, because in math there's foil, which is first outside inside glass,

and of course there's fuck off, which is first underneath closer knowledge over further further. Oh okay. So that's the way you solve problems. Okay, can you walk me through how I could solve a problem using that method? Of course. So give me some numbers, give me a math problem. Seven. Great. So take seven. Okay. Now the first number you're going to, you're going to take that and what number is that? Whoa, slow down. That's seven, right?

And what's underneath seven? Six. Six. So you take first underneath. Underneath? Yep. Then you're gonna get closer. What's closer to six?

Seven, right? Seven. So you're back to seven. Now you take the K, which is knowledge, you know that it's seven. Now what you're gonna do? Over further further. Over further further. Over further further.

8, 9, 10. 8, 9, 10. Oh, we solved it. He's a scholar. Okay. Do you get how I got that? I'll say yes. See, so seven equals 10.

No problem. Seven equals 10. Okay, do you understand? Uh, yeah. Okay, thank you. I'll give you a number. Okay, 33. Okay, 33.

So, the first number is three. No, first number is 33. The first number, hmm, look, I'm gonna write it down. Look, three, three. The first number is three. Well, if you put them close together and reverse one of the three, it's actually an eight. Eight, that was one of the ones from the earlier one.

Okay, wow, what happened with the earlier one? Eight, nine, ten. Ten. The answer's ten. 33 equals ten. No, on hold. It's Arnie. Professor Necan. Professor Necan, first number is 33.

What's under 33? Six. Why? Closest to six is seven mmm knowledge over further further 8 9 10 I said that's what I said 10 yes but you didn't work it out

you didn't show your work on the board you have to show your work you didn't show your work I'm bored oh yeah try to get 51 all right the first number is mmm

the interest ten can I just say the answer is ten? but how'd you get there? Fuck off. Arnie, fuck off. Zeldin, stop it. I get enough of this from my students. You know what the other thing,

the other horrible thing, this is the worst thing about the students. They don't care that I'm from another world. Should they? I try to tell them, hey, I know kids. I know I seem like the stuffy teacher. I'm a man from another world. Should they? I tried to tell them, hey, I know kids. I know I seem like the stuffy teacher. I'm a man from another world

who fell through a dimensional rift. That should be interesting to them. You're talking down to them though. I'm a man from another world, so listen, right? And to be fair, they're not here for you. You're here for them. This is their time to learn and grow. I wasn't talking down to them

because I took my chair, I spun it around and I straddled the chair and I said kids. Look, I just spin it halfway around or all the way around. I spun it all the way around. Okay, so it's back to the front. Okay, back to the front. And then I straddled it with my back to the class. And I said kids, look, I'm not a regular teacher.

I'm a man from another world. And Arnie, as you're sitting that way, we can see on the back of your clothes, they put a sign that said, fuck me on it. What? They put a sign that says, fuck me. Well, maybe that's just them trying to show their work. It's possible.

Anything is possible. Now, uh, Arnold, perhaps, if you're frustrated, you should try a new tactic. What's something different you could do other than talking about ducks and talking about earth? How else could you share the beauty and natural wonder of math with your students? Yeah, make the information compelling. Well, then I tried to explain that I have a podcast. I spent like three days trying to explain what a podcast was, including kind of like acting out the podcast for them, doing all the voices, doing a lot of season one,

all the way up to like episode 40 or so when they really did, we're not interested anymore. They didn't care about the podcast either. That's like the only thing that makes me interesting. Huh, fuck, I mean, if they didn't care about you acting out of podcast, then I'm with you, Arnie, these kids suck. Yeah, right? Professor Neacamp, I got your back. In your back says fuck me. So, you know what?

I'm with you. We've been over this so much. Yeah, we were. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just talking about myself. I just wondered, I thought it was going to be better at this. I'm glad that apparently both of you are doing great, but just makes me feel all the worse that I'm not a, am I not a good math teacher?

I think you will be. No, I think yes, I think you. No way. You have a good, yeah. You just need a little tie. Yeah. To really get in there, it's only been a couple of weeks. Say a little tie.

A little tie would be nice to tie. Both of you are just gesturing a lot more than you normally did. Your hands are just all over the place. How about it? Luckily your tone of voice is exactly where it normally is. How about this? We cast a charm spell on you to make you more charming. Ooh.

Aww. Or how about this? I'll give you some options. If they don't respect you, make them more charming. Ooh. Aww. Or how about this? I'll give you some options. If they don't respect you, make them fear you. Ooh, wait, let's do that first. Ah, make them fear me. How would I do that? Is that why you hit other teachers with your work my pipe?

So here's what you do. Next time a student comes up after class and says, like, fuck off to you, throw them off the window. You teach on the first floor, right? I do. So just couple of scrapes. Oh, but set an example. Is that you won't be tripled with?

Is that what you do? Mm, no, I've never done that. My students love me. No. Do they really love you? I think so. I would assume so. Some of them got tattoos of me.

What? That seems like a bad idea. Two weeks in? Yeah, I don't know. What can I say? There's a tattoo parlor and Vander Village that cater to students here. It's called Billy Yum Yum Tattoo by Tattoo.

Tattoo by two? Okay, I opened it. All right, I am getting paid and I put all my money to open this tattoo shop. They're giving people free chant tattoos if they want them. All right, busted. Show us your tax returns. Here, Arnold, if you want to be more desirable to these, well, I don't want to be more desirable to the,

I don't like. Arnold, you said or that's not what I meant. We took a lot of what I meant. Of class. No, that's not what I meant. All of this stuff. I know you're, oh, I know you're like many hundred years old, but it's a different time now, Yusidor. I know probably when you went through the Great Halls of Turokos, it was normal for a teacher to marry one of their students.

P.S., have you been saying Great Halls of Tukakis? Because I still feel like that's a good one. But I just told me I'm very, you're gonna start saying it and you never do. That's true. You know, I got to say all season I have not been interrupting you, so the more I have to do it. No.

Yeah, great halls of de caucus. It's pretty good. Yeah, I should tell that to my class. They're going to love that one. Or great balls of de caucus. If you want your students to find you interesting and to be a good teacher to them, all you have to do is listen to them. Set up some office hours, ask them what the problems are, and they shall tell you what they need. And then throw some numbers in there.

Throw some numbers in there. And quote, do you know cowards in? No. Yeah, there's a guy in food and his author named cowards in. And he wrote like a people's history of food. And so it's like, no bullshit. What the kids want? Quote him and they'll be eating out of your hand. I don't I don't want them eating out of my hand. Well, the four students will be eating. I know you grew up in a different

time as an animal where it was normal when you went to like a badger school. It was normal for a teacher to have their stance with their hand flat. Yeah, we'd nosh out of their hand. It's a different time. You can't do that anymore. Is it still okay if I eat out of my own hand? It's not great. Is it still okay if I live hand-to-mouth? It's better than before and you're asked to mouth.

I told you that in confidence, Arnie, that I'm living as to mouth. What? Everybody knows. Anybody that's had a conversation with you and has a sense of smell. Is that a parent that has a view? Oh yeah, it's a no. Yeah, speaking of which, let's take a break.

Let's get some water, something. Let's get you a little tie. Now honored. It's professor Neck little tie. Now honored. It's Professor Neckamp. It's Professor Neckamp. I'll write it up here. Prof. Hello.

Good morning, you, Sador. My name is Professor. There's so many letters. You just read, sir. Profarni. Oh, there's so many, there's so many letters. You just refer. Profani. Oh shit. You know what, you start writing your name after a while, like it just doesn't look like anything anymore.

You can't even, you're sort of like, what is this squiggle? Like, I, none of these are the letters in my name. And then like knee-campus so long, everyone spells it wrong. I have to tell them there's a silent eye. I have that relationship with the word balloon, where the more I say it, I'm like balloon.

It's like, what am I even saying? Yeah. Balloon, balloon. Balloon, balloon. You're saying balloon. Balloon, balloon. Balloon, that's what you say. You get what I'm saying.

I get it, yeah. No, no, I'm saying. Like, the balloon is all of its meaning. It's just like a sound balloon. Balloon. You're saying balloon. Yeah, what am I saying? You're right.

You're saying balloon. Thank you. You got it. You got it. You got it. Thanks for phoning. If you want to be a successful teacher, the way I am, what you must do is go to your students and say to them, what is it that you need? Let me be here for you. I often go to the hall where everyone takes their meals. I often go to the hall where everyone takes their meals. The dinner hall, and there in the dinner hall, I walk past the students, and they all laugh and wave, and I wave back. They're so happy to see me. You must become part of the culture here at Jizzled Up!

Yeah, immerse yourself within the walls of this hollowed institution institution, you know, in the great haul the the dining hall They have a floating chairs, isn't that kind of fun? That's not like floating chairs candles on the floor tables and chairs are up in the air. Why are the candles on the floor? You don't want to catch fire. Oh fire rises. I've just been taking my meals in my room. I guess I should get out there and be a little more Social. Oh no, I just you're making hold on you're making the kitchen weasels I've been taking my meals in my room. I guess I should get out there and be a little more social. Oh no. I just, you're making, hold on. You're making the kitchen weasels.

Bring your food to your room. Yeah. Okay. I thought that's what they do. I thought that's what all the teachers did. I didn't know. No, the kitchen weasels are for the kitchen and for the great hall.

You don't ask a kitchen weasel to bring you room service. That's probably why they're always so angry, but I just thought like, you know, because they're weasels. Oh, aren't you? Not a good look. This is different time. Don't. I mean, look, we can say this because it's just us. Weasels are just always, they just look angry. Oh, aren't you? Have you ever seen a happy weasel? Arnie, this is between just us, but you should know in the professor's wardrobe, the PA system is always on. What? It's the professor's announcement system.

What? This goes out to the whole school. I thought you knew. My students can hear this? Oh, yeah, absolutely. This whole thing, right? We've all been complaining about all the students. Arnie, it's not that they can hear it.

It's that they must. Anytime there's a message from the PA system, they must listen, it goes straight into their heads. I didn't complain. Look, I just hope that the students understand I'm from a different world. And that makes me very interested.

Oh, here you go, look. Now, okay, I'll get out there. I guess I just, I, I, I, I, Have you explored the castle at all? Have you been to any other part of the school besides your room and your classroom? I went to try to send some mail. Okay.

What system did you use? Well, I'm a little intimidated. Why do they send all the mail via wolves with bat wings? Like they're scary. Is that an easier way to send mail? I mean, it seems like that mail is definitely gonna get through, but it's just terrifying like when a full-size wolf with bat wings flies in through your window. Right.

Well, think about this way. Have any of your letters been lost? No. No, because those things are fucking terrifying. Yeah. You're not gonna mess with a postal carrying wolf bat. Yeah. I just...

I'm just scared of air wolves. That's all. You're scared of air wolves? Yeah. Okay. I just organically came to that. Hmm. Right.

What to do with that? Okay. All right. I'll remember that, Profarni. Well, what about you? What are you setting male to? I was just trying to send some male to some of the people from Hawks' face.

Okay. You know, I miss some of our old friends. Did you get in touch with anyone? Well, I've been told that all of my male got through, but I haven't gotten any responses, so I hope I'm just not murdering my old friends by sending wolves to them. Oh, no, I don't think so. Who did you send me to?

You sent something to Mayor Manana? Look, Mayor Manana is just a banana. Like it's not a pretty, or he don't let him have it. Oh, what? No, but I tried to send, I sent a wolf to Momo, the mouse with human strength. I sent a wolf to flower, the talking flower. Well, she's not going to respond. Thank you for the quick recap on characters as well.

Thank you so much. I'm always like, who are my friends? And then it's great to hear their name and then a quick recap. Yeah. Arnie, the man from Earth. I even just attested out. I sent a wolf to chunt the shapeshifter who's always a talking badger. Who's the co-host of this podcast.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magic Lines of my Kids. And you said one, too. That's it. All right. Chunt, did you get my wolf? I did, yeah, there's a wolf at my door. He dropped off a postcard.

Yeah. Can I just say, thank you for not sending a wolf back because that would scare me. That would scare me a lot. Yeah, of course. I could gather that they were terrifying, so I didn't want to do that to you. But you should get out and explore more of the castle. Yeah, well, what some of the stuff I should go see. Okay, let's see.

You should go to...have you been to the dungeon? No. There's a dungeon? There's a dungeon. This is a school. Why is there a dungeon? Well, it's an ancient castle. It's just a case what?

Well, it's an ancient, ancient castle along before it was a school. And you're not just learning subjects. You're learning street smarts. The kids here need a lesson in how to be an adult, how to survive. So a lot of times the headmaster will be like, you know, go round to the dungeon and kids will die or get caught in the pipes or something.

So it's just kind of, um, it's kind of a life lesson. Uh-huh. So the headmaster would be like, go to the end, I got done. I'm the mask. What? Somebody stop me. That's what that's a great can. I know. I've been working on it. I've been told I can make my voice out exactly like can really yeah I don't I don't try it's not bad, but it's not I am can I was in the Truman show what it what Have you been to the stables? No, what's it the stables? Well there are horses and Pegasus and And is it Pegasus or Pegasai, there are horses and Pegasus and...

Is it Pegasus or Pegasai? I think it's Pegasus, that's why I said it. Oh, have you met Genesis? No. Pegasus Genesis, it's a great little horse. I guess I just haven't become a good friend of mine. I've heard a few good things about Genesis, but not that much.

I mean, it's a throwback, but I enjoy it. Okay. But sometimes I'll ride him and go above the lake or just like circle the grounds or we formed a quite a bond. Oh. Yeah, so Genesis, yeah. Good for any of mine. So if you go to the stables, look for Genesis.

I can do that. And if you see him drowning in the lake, save him. Okay. If you hear his calls, if I hear him calling in the air, let's say, when would I hear this? Like tonight? Tonight, tonight. You would hear him calling in the air, let's say when would I hear this like tonight? Tonight tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight. You would hear it. Hold on. Hold on. You would hear it coming in the air tonight. Hold on.

There are also some griffins down there. Oh, that reminds me, guys. I've been working on getting an invisible touch. I need to get invisible hands. No, you do not. For. There's so much magic at this school. Someone's going to be able to get me invisible hands. Then the students will love me. Professor Agnacamp, I think the students will love you. If you just be yourself, don't try so hard. John, did I love you? And you barely tried it all for these past five issues.

You actively push us away, and yet we still love you. But now you're trying to get to their love. You're trying to force them to love you and they're rejecting that. They're at an age where they're rejecting authority and they're rejecting what they're expected to do. You have to open your heart and your mind to them. Yeah, look at you.

You put your pants on backwards. Why? To probably appeal to a younger generation. What? Oh, no. Oh, that was even a thing. I don't have any doubts. Just an accident. These must have been like this for weeks. How have you been being? I don't never. Never. Yes. Never. Can I look like I got a huge long day? Well, I love my students. I have a very sweet young man in one of my classes. There's maybe the most attentive of all from House Camelto, and he... He comes to me every day after unknown, and I'll sit him down and I'll tell him a special story just for him, and he writes the notes down vigorously, and this young man's name is Semen, S-I-M-M-I-N, and he's such a sweet young lad, and I think he just wants to learn

everything about the history of magic. And then, as he's leaving, sometimes turns to me and says, thank you for the additional story, Yusadoa. I'll put it to good use. Oh, so you just called you by your first name? Yes. No professor. That's a sort of relationship I have formed with my students. What does he mean by help? What does he mean?

Yeah, what is that use? Well, I think he's gathering all sorts of arcane knowledge from the past. And he just wants to use it in some way But does he say it just like how you said it out? I bought it to good use Yes, so just like that Simmons that's very easy JK is he just kidding? I think he's just kidding. Yeah It's a little weird like I put it to good use, like best case scenario, he's masturbating to it.

No, no, don't be, I'm surprised. Best case scenario. Do not towards earning. Stop, now don't be surprised. What do you mean masturbating? Stop it. We are talking about the students at this school, treat them with more respect.

Do not speak about them in such a way. He is not masturbating, but every day. He's taking that story out to Lake Dangle Dog. He's masturbating to it. no, no, no, no. But every day when he comes into class, his eyes are a little redder. Okay. What do you think he's doing with that extra story?

I think he's gaining power. Gaining power. Are they redder with blood? I don't know if it's blood or just like magical power building up. It might be blood. It's possible it's both. Well, to be fair, it might be blood. Yeah, it's possible. It's both Well to be fair maybe it's blood power. I don't want to call it kettle black, but I also have a teacher's pet

Oh, it's a small skull moth. It's a pet. I keep it in my George's, you know, I pulled out everyone's miles Name is Clyde. Ah, just a little skull moth. Have you seen a skull moth? No, a A little moth was a skull for a head. Skull for a head? Mm-hmm. Does that make sense? Yeah, that's just my- Straight forward. My little teacher's pet. Every teacher gets a pet. Did you choose one? I- I didn't know I was supposed to have a- a pet!

You said, what's your pet? The Griffin I mentioned down in the stable. And I was right, astride my Griffin. High into the sky all night long. And when I swing around the tower of the school I see all of the children as they're in their common rooms playing games and studying and I see little simmin by himself Making little monsters and turning red with power Making a little monster

Yeah, sometimes how he make them Sometimes this desk he just makes the little monsters within Cantations and I'm just so proud of him. I don't know. I don't trust the cinnamon kid. You don't? Yeah. Is he the one that has the star over his eye or the one that kind of looks like a cat? Those are the same student already. What? Starcat. You talking about Starcat? Starcat? Starcat Simmons? Starcat Simmons? Yeah.

I think that's a different student. Oh, my bad. Oh. Who's that cat with the star above his eyes? I think you're thinking of Grace Freelme. Grace Freelme? Yep. Sure.

Okay. I seem like you struggled with that name. You sure that's the name? I'm not sure. You said, why don't you always remember people whose names are hard to say? Look, I can't remember everyone's names, so I've never met. Grace, free of me.

I mean, it's 300 years. Let's do a little test here. So I'll go first, and then we'll go Arnie, and then we'll go you store it. Let's just recall a few people we could remember. So for me, it's like Clyde, the mom, Genesis, my friend Josh, who else is there? Gary, Ted, Melissa, Janet.

Arnie, you say some names? Ace. Space man. Yep. Freak with the tongue. That works. Now you said, what are some of your friends you recollect? Gorban Thronistic.

Shibboang's Wondershmel. Flour, the fucking flour. Let's see. Scumboong BingBang. See, this is see, uh, scumbo-wobbing bang. See, this is what is frustrating about being in a magical world, all these weird names where I'm from my friends have... What's the way to bet scumbo-wobbing bang? Like, I do remember you scumbo-wobbing.

And Adlerify, like, those are super tough days. That's the second one was a little gibberish. So who's Chamber Wamba? Scumbo-wobbing bang. You know scumbo-wamba. You don't remember scumbo-wobang, when we were still in Hogsface, lived in the town square underneath the third rock just east of the fountain.

Oh, fuck me, Scumblewamba BingBang. And every day he would poke his head up and he would slither out of his hole and he would go to work at the bank. Oh, you worked at the bank? That's right. He worked at the riverbank. He worked at the river bank.

He worked at the river bank, that's right. Catching money. I think what it is is, I think Yisir just has a better memory than us. Maybe. Probably. Probably for over three centuries. And my mind is like a steel trap

capturing every bit of information that is passed through mine is. Oh, fuck, so what happens if a bear steps on your head? All that knowledge would explode into the universe. Oh, so it's not gonna like plant down on a bear? Oh, you just see your head explode? Oh, I hadn't thought of that, perhaps you would. Maybe our memory is terrible, I spent somewhere

between three and a half and three and three quarters years in Hogsface and how many names can I remember from that place? I know there was Momo, the Mouse of the Human Strength, there was Flower, the Talking Flower, Chunk, the Tosh, the Shae Chipper who's usually a Badger. That's it, that's all I remember. Can. Can wasn't really a Hogsface person. He's hard to forget him because he talks. Ah! Oh, Cuban Pete. Cuban Pete!

Who's Cuban Pete? Doesn't matter. What about Larry Birdman? Oh, rocks. Rocky Cocodino. Is that him? Rocky Cocodino. Cocodino.

I remembered something. You said or didn't. Ooh. Well, like I said, I don't, I remember everything. I just don't remember it all perfectly. Some of it gets a little honestly muddled. Thanks for the name, Yusador. I'll put it to good use.

Oh, wonderful. Wait a second. I just realized something. Here's why Yusador thinks all his students love him. He takes everything as validation. Thank you. Arnie, I think he's striving to be validation Torian. I think in the semester, whoever tried to get

the most validation becomes validation Torian. Oh, I see. Is there anything you're striving for? Any of the superlatives? The professor superlatives, famously. I think about getting really good at getting toasts, being the saloon. A Torian.

But you don't come to the shared shared meals in the in the great hall. Do you have to come start? I mean these meals. If you want to give toast, that's the place to do it. The cavitaries give me a lot of anxiety. Like honestly, guys, even back in Hogsface, most of the week when we were doing the podcast, I would mostly not do anything. And sure, 80 to 90% of that is because I am lazy, but also like when I'm not doing the podcast I'm kind of scared to talk to people. I can give you something for anxiety. Yeah, put out your hand Put out your hand. Are you gonna try to feed me? No, just put out your hand. Okay. Yeah, it's a rock This magical rock will help you relieve your anxiety.

Oh shit, it's hand turned invisible. Oh! Damn it, no, that's a wrong rock. Give me that. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Here, take the other damn rock. It's useless though, you have to hold on. It's the other rock. No, I'll decide what's useless. I have invisible hands. Sure, I can't do anything with them, but they're invisible. You couldn't do anything with them anyway.

They are well. Have all the anxiety you like and invisible hands. Who cares? Our first resolved storyline of season two. Well, you know what? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Very well. Have all the anxiety you like and invisible hands. Who cares? Ah, our first resolved storyline of season two. Ugh. Well, you know what, I think I am going to take the next week and try to get out in the school more,

get to know people, and I'm gonna be a better teacher. Well, the first change starts with awareness, aren't you so I'm glad that you are striving to be better. Yeah. Let's see here, I've an email here from Esther Riley. Says hello, Chant. Susie and Arnie, who's Susie? Susie.

Susie door? Oh, perhaps this person attends the University of Phoenix where I teach math. As Susan Doku. That's right. Greetings from Ireland. Where's Ireland? Oh, Ireland is across the ocean. Why are they so angry? Oh that okay

I know exactly where it is now I'm relatively new to the podcast that I am binging through season two that being said I had a question stuck in my head and couldn't find the answer is there anyone in Foon who has the opposite power of you In which the shape shifter sleeps with someone and their partner changes into a clone of the shape shifter I don't know what they're talking about. So, so I change into whoever I sleep with. Yeah. It used to. Now I can change it will. And they're saying if you sleep with someone, they turn into you. I mean, I think that's more just what happens in a long term relationship. Yeah. Like eventually they turn into you. Yeah. And vampires.

Oh, yeah. Vampires. Yeah. They'll turn you into them. Yeah, that's answer. All right. Well, hey, you know, I have an email here. As always, you can email me at Magic Tavern if Puppy's that supplies. It's a real email address. Here's one. Hey, guys, and guest.

Sorry, no guests, so get it right. Long time, first time here, ever since Jethro Tall was on your episode, I've been thinking to get to Foon Ian Landmaster would fall asleep but to get out he just wakes up to get to Foon Arnie it's Professor Neckamp you had to fall into a magic portal so maybe to get out of Foon you might have to have a wake huh I think you have to have a wake, huh? I think you have to die? Oh no, if not that, just keep looking up

since Seerly Mooster McMooster pants. I don't wanna die. Didn't you drive into the portal? No, I had a car. Did a car fall? No, I didn't really, I guess I do say, hold on. Hello from the Magic Tabrat, a monthly podcast. A monthly podcast.

A monthly podcast. This comes out monthly. Where are we? What are we so moving? Are we dumping a bunch of these? Is it best? I only release one in four or five. Oh, that's fair.

Yeah. Like last week's made no sense. So I can't release that. Which I never released that. Well, mooster, mucster pants, if that is your real name, I'm not gonna die anytime soon. That's ridiculous. Of course, I'm here to protect you. There's no chance of all dying with Yusadol, the wizard protecting him.

And if I did die, Yusadol, you could just bring me back like that time you died, you came back. Oh, no, definitely not. What do you mean? Good magic. Well, there's definitely not. What do you mean? Good magic. Well, there's only so much magic can do. If you're dead, truly dead, you're gone. But you did it.

You were truly dead. Yes, but I am a core lessons of magical force in the shape of a human. Oh. Are you a core lessons of magical force in the shape of a human? Maybe. I don't think so.

Maybe I am. I doubt it. Maybe I am and I just don't know it. Maybe I've always been it and I like think that I'm a human. But I am. Are there tests? Yes, we just take some of your blood and see how many medocorians you have.

Ugh. No, thank you. And we should say of course, to the students listening, to the entire Gisborne Ob Academy. Good morning. Oh, shit. And good morning. And we don't see you.

Good afternoon. Yeah. Good evening. And good night. Aw, old. No, I'm trying to give them a little like- Oh, Mac algebra. Yeah, a little taste of their own medicine, huh?

Yeah. Oh, chunt. Don't make any sudden movements. Is there a wolf that makes- I think you've got some Yeah. Oh, chunt. Yeah. Don't make any sudden movements. Is there a wolf that I think you've got some male? Oh no. It's an arrow wolf. Man. Oh?

Is the wolf dead? Oh god. I didn't think any of this is useful. It's always so awkward when I submit my report to my boss, especially when she asks me to read it to her. Anyway, Yusador the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafaie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafaie. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Eleard LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Hey, have I mentioned the upcoming Magic Tavern live shows? Well,

it doesn't matter because I'm going to mention them now. Hello from the Magic Tavern is coming to Atlanta, Georgia, January 12th, Charlotte, North Carolina, January 13th, then off to the other side of the country, Portland, Oregon, on January 15th, Seattle, Washington, January 16th, and there's a newly announced show in San Francisco, California on January 17th as part of the San Francisco sketchfest. The tickets are all on sale now, so you can get more info and links to buy tickets at HelloFromTheMagicTavarin.com and clicking the Live Shows tab. Hey, and while you're at HelloFromTheMagicTabrin.com, you can also check out the new shirts and

pins in that silent eye coin. It is the holiday shopping season after all. Maybe that's where Trisha went. Okay, as a reward for sitting through all of that, I have a clip from I Am Spin Tax, the new spin-off series on Stitcher Premium. Spin Tax the Green Host's own podcast, trying to gain power to return to Foon. It's co-hosted by an undead corpse, and Jessica McKenna from Offbook. Oh, she's great.

I'm sure the corpse is great too. Now I'm excited for this clip. Anyway, you know all the blah blah blah about going to Stitcher Premium.com slash magic for a free month of Stitcher Premium. It's a great way to support the podcast, and you can listen to all the magic taverns spin-off shows. Blah blah blah. Okay, let's get to the clip. I did notice this large shape underneath.

I do not have seven and a half feet of laptops under this tarp. Okay. What I have is, let me grab it. And it's going to be a tight reveal. Ah! Behold a cell, Magundi! The beast I have created. Oh my gosh, shall Magundi is at his name or is at the name of what he is?

That will be his name once I bring him to life. Okay, whoo. You notice the fine stitches he has been put together by a variety of necrotic flesh. Ooh, the sun's frill grossing. Which I dug by hand out from the cemeteries around the Hollywood area. Oh, god. Ugh. Ooh.

Yes, he does smell. I'm sure the smell will dissipate once he's reanimated. Oh, did you do it like during a synaspium film? Like, did you like go digging about while they were showing like never been kissed or jaws or something? It was easy to blend in with the crowd. like never been kissed or jaws or something. It was easy to blend in with the crowd! Oh shoot, I forgot to turn the podcast off after the clip ended. God there's so many things to remember.

Well see you next week. Okay, you gotta check the mail. We're gonna even check this goddamn mail if I didn't sign up for that goddamn subscription box. Spending all my motherfucking money on trial size cosmetics like a real asshole. The fuck is this? Why is there a wolf in my mailbox? This is two flower from Arnie. Oh, I'm fucking an angel.

I'm an angel. I will make you hell. How bitch, how bitch, how? How?