Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 2 - Ancient Turtle

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

A vacationing sea turtle chats with the hosts about her long and storied life.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungHildy Shiblin: Olivia NielsenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenVoice: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSea Shanty Theme: Arne ParrottSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, maybe everyone didn't get my memo about the hat rack. I like the top peg because then I can pretend my hat is the king of all the other lesser hats, including this sad fedora. There you go on the floor. All right, to work. On goes the ambience, and greetings, content vampires. Angos the Ambience and… Greetings content vampires. The podcast you are about to hear is not real.

It's not even sort of real and slobily researched, like cereal. Come on, Sarah Canig, do your homework! So don't fall for believing in realities beyond your own when you can, you know, not. Here's something way less important. You're almost out of time to get tickets to the two Magic Tavern live shows in Indianapolis on Friday, August 2nd. The 8 and 10 PM shows will be completely different. And the 10 PM show includes a game of werewolf. How's that for a Venn diagram of impenetrable paradigms? For info and tickets about the August 2nd Indianapolis shows, go to HelloForTheMagicTaffernd.com and click on the live shows tab or go directly to ButlerArtCenter.org. But now, the ocean beckons. So sit back, breathe Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of This is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I fell through a dimensional port. Oh, sorry, I wanna get this seagull on.

Oh, sorry, shoot. Shoot. Chunkayak, I should ask you, how much should I explain to her on a boat during the intro to this podcast? I think the seagulls and the way you can do it. They can figure it out. They can figure it out.

It also seems to cool being on the deck of this boat. I think the sound is gonna pick it. Like, is there too much wind? Are people gonna be able to hear? I kinda wanna lose the audio on that episode. Well the microphone is kinda covered by the wood that the sides of the boat, right? The sides of Stephanie?

Yeah, that's true. I don't know how microphones work, but I assume that's good. Yeah, I think you're right. I'm sure. Can I say something? Do you want me to wipe that shit off your head? There's shit on my head.

There's a sequel that just, Oh, we'll get to it. I thought this season was about action. I know, but it's about just moving forward. It's like we are moving forward on our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. We don't have time to stop and wash shit out of our hair or change our pants ever. Okay, all right, I'll leave you to it. Okay, great. Hey, hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Danny Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before,

this is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical land of fun. Somehow, I'm still getting a week Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, which I used to upload a podcast. Not just chronicling our quest to feed the dark Lord of this world, but a podcast that I believe will help save the world of food.

Also, we're on a boat right now. Hey, I am joined as always, Bama co-host. Jump the talking badger. Hmm, baby, don't know. Baby, don't know. And I see that even though we're at sea, you're taking very good care of your giant egg egg you maybe don't know Yeah, yeah, so I've swaddled it in some sort of

woven tapestry just to kind of keep it safe also I'm fearful that if it drops in the water it might hard boil Yeah, is the water hot? You know how to hard boil the egg in I menu? I mean, I vaguely do. You put a egg in water and it boils. Does it, have you ever? Well, it's hard to boil. That's why it's called boiled.

Oh, I see hard to boil eggs. Yeah. So if you just put a egg in hot water, it's called a boil day. Oh, yeah. If you put it in cold water, it'll eventually boil. It's hard, so it's a hard, it's hard to boil. Yeah.

That makes sense. Hey, I have a question. You suspect that inside this egg is a child of yours. Probably maybe yeah, it was born from the explosion of my But do you like a timetable for that? You been carrying around this egg for like half a year Yeah, a while. It's got a few few cracks and a few dense in it Yeah, those cracks can't be a good sign. Well, it's a means maybe that there's a, does it make, oh, things in? Sure, does it make, it's noise?

Is there any kind of sign that anything's going on? No, when I put my ear to it, it's, it's nothing. Just like egg sounds, squelches and squeaks. Oh, that's not nothing. Oh, then I get there is something. Yeah, also I'm a little nervous. These seagulls keep circling this giant egg I'm not sure if they want it eat it. Oh, they were okay. I wear the shirts. Love to eat eggs. Yeah, I didn't know if they thought it was like their Prophecy ruler like this is a big egg. Excuse me. It's a big egg. Maybe you know something about seagull prophecy

No, but you're the door. Yes, you're you love birds. Hey, I love do you love seagull prophecy? No, but you're Zedore. Yes. You're Ulov Birds. I love birds. Do you love Seagulls? Oh, I love Seagulls. Do you know any prophecy about Seagulls who circle a giant egg thinking it's there? Prophecies are a diamond dozen, but yes, I do know. What is it? The Seagulls circle and circle waiting for their king.

This shall be a large egg-shaped thing. The seagulls are happy and wait for him to live and then I've heard enough that life. You gotta say certainly we'll get enough prophecies use the evocative word thing. Well some prophecies that's not clear, you know, the the the Well, some prophecies that's not clear, you know, the, the, the the professorial third eye is a clear. Oh, yeah, you try. In the third eye. You're trying to fake unpack the prophecy. Yeah. Like me. Who thing? It could mean so many things. A little man approaches. This is why I hate prophecies. They're vague and they're stupid and only about a third of them come true.

Well, we're on the high prophecies and we're three moon companions. We're high as luck. We're stoned as hell and we're looking for lovers and fighters. Is that what we're looking for? We're luck we are trying to build up an army to defeat the Dark Lord. We are on a diplomatic mission, but also we are on a secret mission. We're a silent, we're part of the silent eye with a mission to take down the dark Lord and we're looking for what's that book called again You said art the book of sight the book of sight

That's the book that makes the dark Lord if we can find that book Then it's probably easy to defeat and probably just find that book and it's like a magic button It's like bonk everything's done. I can't believe I never thought to do this myself. How'd up? Do earthbugs go bonk? What? You said press a button and it goes bonk. That's worth button sound like? Yeah, some of them just go easy.

Earthbugs are easy. Mm-hmm. Ooh, okay. So what are we, are we gonna record our episode on deck here? I guess so. I think people probably be interested in learning what life at C is like Ron Stephanie the boat. Should we go into this alone in the in the tummy of Stephanie? I don't know

I've we've done that right like yeah we spent so much time in the taverns. Clearly you know we don't do our best work while we're drinking yeah and I think Rodney might have been trying to lead us this trace since I think he was upset that we were boarding his drinking. Yeah. And I think Rodney might have been trying to lead us to this trace, and so I think he was upset that we were boarding his ex. Yeah. So let's just record it out here. Let's record it on deck. Here, let me throw this net overboard.

And we'll see if we can catch a guest. I don't want to interview one of the bares again. They just, yeah, they're just snoring the whole thing. He's snoring. You know, some of them have been waking up. Oh, that's good. That's kind of scary. Well, some of them have been waking up. Oh, that's good. That's kind of scary. Well, that helps, though, if they know how to run the ship.

Yeah, because we've just been loosely adrift. Yeah, do we know what direction we're sailing? I think North? Because, like, we're going straight ahead. And that's North, right? Well, yes. We're heading North now. I know enough about sailing to make sure that we are all in the correct path.

You said, or you've just been running around this boat doing boat things. Yeah, what's with this new hat? Well this is my captain's hat. You look like Donald Duck. What's that? It's a sailor duck back on my world. Also you're not wearing pants man. I know, this the best way to sail is to shorten your robe so it's right above your waistline.

We're nothing below your legs. We're a tiny captain's hat. And just run around, tying things together. Spinning wheels, batting things down. Certainly we shall find our way to our destination if we are capable and certain. Oh, whoa, the net's struggling. What the hell?

Arnie, help me pull this up. Ow! Ow! Ow! and certain. Ooh, whoa, the net's struggling. What the hell? Arnie, help me pull this up. Oh, ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. This is very rude. Oh, a turtle.

We got a talking thing. Hello. Oh, hello. From the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. This is my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Bingbong.

This is a used-door-the-whizzer. Hello. I'm sorry. Arne Neekamp. This is my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Bingbong. This is Yusudor the Wizard. Hello. I'm sorry, what is happening? Yeah, are you all right? I think I'll be fine. Oh, no, is this the cruise? The cruise? I'm late to a cruise, I was on my way.

Oh, I saw on the ship's roster? Yes, they pick up some few cruisers who just enjoy sailing and taking in the sights. Uh, uh, what is your name, young lady? Oh, young lady, that's very kind of you. My name is Hildi Shiblin. Oh, maybe you've heard of me, maybe not. Uh, absolutely not. Oh my goodness.

It's up for the captain's log, I guess. Right here on the manifest, Hildi Shiblin. Well, welcome aboard Hildi. Oh,. Oh my goodness. It's up for the captain's log, I guess. Right here on the manifest. Hildi Shiblin. Well, welcome aboard. Hildi. Oh, thank you so much. You said, or, where was manifest when I was fucking struggling to save? I was looking for my manifest.

I'm sorry. I was trying to help you out. I said, roster. Did you were sitting on manifest? No, I wasn't sitting on it. I was looking for it. So, Hildi. Hello.

Am I saying that right? Yeah, Hildi. Hildi Shiblin. Yes? You can cruise on the ship if you like. Let's let's let me get this net off you. Oh, thank you. Oh, that was terrible in there. It was a trap, but see through. Yeah, I never thought about that. Are you? Can't be our guest. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Hildi, would you mind if we interviewed you a little bit about your life? Oh my God. Well, no, it would be your pleasure because there's been a lot of life I'd like to talk about. Oh, good.

Well, let's start off in the very first question just to be polite. Is older you? Oh, well, thank you for being so polite. I always ask a woman her age. Oh, sure. I love to talk about it because I'm actually, I'm thousands of years old. Oh. I'm actually the oldest lady'm thousands of years old. Oh Actually the oldest lady I know not to brag. Welcome. We are so glad to have you here

And we're so interested to learn about the wonderful stories you must know. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness The order of food. Yes. Oh my goodness. Well, I don't go and land a lot anymore because my legs are alive I haven't gotten my talons clipped in some time Yes, people say I'm disgusting. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't. I don't know if I would agree with that assessment. I think you're very charming.

You're interesting. And interesting in a couple of light. You're definitely very totally, but I wouldn't say you're disgusting. Well, thank you so much. I just got my shell polished. Would you like to see it's inscribed? Yes. Oh, yes. I can't quite make out the inscription. What does it say? I just got my shell polished. Would you like to see it inscribed? Yeah, she does.

I can't quite make out the inscription. What does it say? Oh, it's an ancient curse. Oh, yeah. What happens if we hear the words of it? Oh, well, do you value your afterlife? My afterlife? Seems a ways off.

How am I riskant? What does it say? Oh, it says, he who climbs atop this back will die forever Live and lack. Oh Yeah, yeah, is that the full inscription? Well, I can't see my back. That's true I mean to die forever and I assume that this blackness would come down and then you would never know anything ever again Hey, you seem to know a lot about it. Well, that's because I've died before and come back to life.

I, at one point, was an angelic creature from beyond the known universe and then a conspiracy of birds and wind and rain and fire. This idea there must be a champion in food, and thus, Yusudor was thrust upon the world. Yeah, Yusudor died a while back, but then he just came back, he was a little deflating. He was also a vampire for a while. Really? Yeah, Yusador got her back catalog.

I've had a hell of a life, but now I'm walking around on a boat without any pants. Huh, funny how things happen. Well, you just checked out my back catalog, so it would only be nice if I gave you as a little look. Yusador, that's funny, I've never heard your name before. Oh, you've never heard of me. Oh, have you ever heard of Toothfurt? Too far. Wait, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Have you ever heard of Lutz? Uh, why does that name actually work? Oh, Toothf! Yes, Toothfurt is what I've heard of you called. Yes, the blue wizard's Tooth. Oh, my goodness. Here I am, before you now.

Well, Tewif is what we call you if you're floating at the top of the weather, but you want to know what we call you when you're down at the bottom of the sea. Oh, I don't think I know this one. Oh, you don't? You know, you're highly revered down there. Oh, kiss the girl.

Excuse me? No, I'm just guessing. I just went in a white. Oh, no, down there, you're called Flotus. Flotus, yes. It's short for you who floats among us. Oh, hey, you know, he's Flotus. Oh, the called floatus. Floatus, yes. It's short for you who floats among us. Oh, hey, you know, he's floatus. Yeah, actually, yeah, we've heard a lot about you.

We love your songs. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I'm well known for my song. Yeah, we don't get enough of your songs, or we cut them for time. You cut my songs for time? Yeah, you're all.

I sing a song every single episode. They're awful. Oh, yeah. And so long. They must sound better awful. Oh, yeah. And so long. They must sound better underwater. Oh, they're incredible underwater. A lot of things are better underwater. You know the sound, it warps, it warbles, it's incredible.

Oh, I wonder if I put my eggy baby underwater, Fiddlesing a song. Maybe? Careful on my boil. Oh, that's true, never mind. Oh, have you been to the hot part of the sea? No, there's a hot sea. Oh, there's a hot sea. Yeah, you have to be very careful. Have you been to the hot part of the sea? No, no! Oh, there's a hot sea.

Yeah, you have to be very careful. Have you been? I've been, but only on vacation when I've been very good. Oh, details. Perhaps a hot sea differ from the regular sea. Oh, well, all different kinds of creatures live over there. There is the tentacle scorp, who of course is very dangerous, but only when he's hungry.

Yes, you don't want to mess with a tentacle to score. Yeah, I dated one once and let me tell you, it's not worth it, not even for the stories. How long of a relationship was it? Seven hundred years? Oh, is that for you? Is that considered like a one night stand for other people? Well, for me it was sort of medium. You know, know, it's, uh, are you moving into my shell? Are you gonna go?

And so, um, advantage? Yeah, the technical score they got to be right now. Long enough to get to like that 700 year itch. Exactly, exactly. He had met all of my friends. I had already plotted where our eggs would be laid. It was terrible. But, uh, otherwise the hot sea is, you know, I would recommend it.

Oh, well, it sounds delightful. It sounds relaxing. Does perhaps be than a warm sea if it's not too hot Oh, it's hot. Oh, it's hot. Yes. How hot? How do I put this? How soft are your hands? Well my hands are very soft. Where is this going? I'd put lotion on my hands every single day. Okay, if you're a lotioner, then I would recommend that you don't go over there. Really? Your soft skin will boil right off of your bones. Oh.

But if you're a bone person, swim away. I have bones under my skin, does that count? Um, well, what test on you? I'm going to get into this very hot sea and see what happens to me. No, you'll be a bone person. Well, that's fine, perhaps. Maybe you'll unlock some secret potential. Some magic I did not know existed.

They'll help us defeat the Dark Lord. No, I think you're maxed out. Oh, alright. And also, user work, honestly, hasn't had you just flaunt the fact that you can't really die. It's kind of not fair to all of us people who can very much die Well, I'm just trying to learn things about myself so that I can be a more effective wizard. You can't die either floaters Oh, well, it's very difficult to kill a wizard

How difficult well? I'm gonna song about it if you want to kill the wizard, you have to go to school because Wizards are awesome and they totally rule. And we're back. I'm sorry that we cut the video. We had to cut the video. That went on for so long. That was a very long song. All the bears are awake now. All the bears.

Well, I'm sorry. I just wanted to sing my song. But I am glad to meet all the bears. They're very nice. And you'll do your delight as well. Oh, thank you. It's an in a turtle's nature to be very nice. Now that you're on this cruise, what are you hoping to do? Just want to get some sun? Do you want to see the sights? What have you always wanted to do as a vacationaire? Oh my goodness. Well, I have been working for most of my life as you can imagine. There was a few years, you know, when I was really tight on coins and I would, I'm not proud to admit this, but I would pierce the bottom of ships. And you know, yeah, well,

it wasn't good. I was working for a bad person. So you would pierce the bottom of ships to rob them? Yes, first sink the ships. You heard of sinking ships. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and then so then they'd go... You're on one. What? I'm sorry. I mean the podcast. Oh, sure.

You pierce the bottom of a ship and then once it gets to the bottom, then of course everyone can do their work on it. So do you have a team? For smaller ships and for lower level employees, you work on the team, but eventually if you move up the ranks you can accomplish missions by yourself. So eventually I got to do some pretty big ships. You heard of the sinking of SS Flargon? Oh no! Oh my goodness well this okay this is not a proud moment I was a different you have to believe me I'm a very nice person now okay. I believe you. Yeah look you're you're very old so and you have a little hand and thank you for saying that oh so you noticed well it's hard not just very big flower well There's dirt in my head and that doesn't come easily for someone who lives under water. Yeah, yes

I sunk the SS flagum so um so that was me. What is the SS stand for something? Oh? Oh, little something. Yeah see that little something? Yeah. Very nice. Who are you working for exactly? You said it was a bad person. Was it the worst person, the Dark Lord? Oh, I thought you were talking about Arnie. Oh, was it Arnie?

No, it wasn't me. I don't think it was you. It was a remote employer. We never got to see his face. It was more you'd be at the bottom of the ocean and it would quake. And then that's how you knew that there was a message in the bottle. And the message in the bottle would usually tell you which ship you had to hit. So that's how I hit the something, something, flakum. Oh, a message in a bottle sending out an SOS?

No, an SS. Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. Mm-hmm. What a mysterious person this is. It could have been the Dark Lord or some other agent of the evil. The Dark Lord. Yes, you see, we are a part of the silent eye.

A society of people committed to destroying evil in all its forms and the most evil form that has ever been coalesced here in Fune is that of the Dark Lord. And we all have these cool coins. Yeah, that's mostly why we joined the Silent Eye. I think you have these cool coins. We're part of the Silent Eye. Oh!

There's an eye over here and then there's a finger to the mouth. Yes. You indicate silence. For many years, I've tried to put together a quest to defeat the Dark Lord, but the Silent Eye turns out it was already working on it. Yeah, we were in Hogsface for a long time, thinking we were making progress, but apparently this whole society of the silent eye was working to defeat the Dark Lord,

so we're just kind of hitching our start their way. And I'd come up with some other names, we were like, let's be like, you know, like the knocking fist, and we're like, what are some other ones we had? The whispering eye, but then we Googled that. No. Oh, yeah, found out what Google was. I was horrified when I heard, Like what are some other ones we had the whispering eye, but then we googled that oh Yeah, I found out what Google was I was horrified when I heard you know how much they know how much everything Captain Google he's sailed around the world hundreds of times. Oh, yes So have you a heart of Captain Google? He's a navigator. Oh really?

I used to be on Safari and then he went in a navigator You know, I feel like I've heard people talking about Captain Google. And at first everyone was like, love Captain Google can do no wrong. It's everything better for everybody. His ship is made of chrome. Terrifying.

But then people were sort of like, uh-oh, Captain Google, he knows too much about me and everybody. Also his hangouts, yeah, that's true. Right, oh, for a long time, we had received missions to sink Google's Chrome ship But it turns out it's impossible to pierce But he invented flushing toilets with his YouTube. Oh, yeah, that's true. Also docs. What? Docs Google docs What are you talking about? Wait, you got docs? No, go we have to put the boat on the dock. Google ship, yeah, we're going on the dock. Yeah, cheats.

It has been wonderful to be up here on the beautiful sea as the day brings the sun down and we listen to the beautiful songs of the sea goes. But I have to ask you, Hilly, would you like to join us for a drink in the saloon right after we take a break? Oh, well, I usually don't as long as the sun is up, but if you're buying. Girl, you're on vacation. Yeah.

You're on vacation. How slow is that? Oh, okay. Oh, don't tell my husband. Oh, that's right. Up at the break? Yeah, absolutely. And we're back, and I'm sorry to say say you sir, we do have to cut that song.

A lot of it didn't rhyme. Yeah, well not all songs have to rhyme. No songs, good songs. Yeah. When you're happy and you know it, clapping. We're back. I'm sorry we had to cut that song as well. You got to do a lot of just like,

guttural sounds and flopping. I can't believe not of my songs have made it into the show. Oh, that's incredible because we say some over our eggs so that we pray they hatch. We use your songs as prayers a lot underwater. That's so lovely. Thank you, Hildy. Underwater songs as prayers. Underwater songs as prayers.

Oh, no. Underwater songs as prayers? It's not a puzzle, I'm just talking. Underwater songs as prayers. Underwater songs as prayers. Yes. You got to come sometime. Huh? Guys we gotta get out of the solace. This salt water is good by the way. Thank you. Oh that's for cleaning your hands. Oh. Oh you can drink it if you like. Oh okay. Like three in. Do turtles this is gonna sound so ignorant and rude? Do turtles have gills? Um, I get, um, you know when I think about it, then it makes it hard for me to breathe

it all. So, um, am I doing it now? You're breathing, yes. Okay, so- I mean, you're still alive, so I assume something's happening. Yeah, I think I'm breathing all the time, but tell me if I'm wrong. I'll keep an eye on it. Okay, thank you.

There's too much to remember on this link in a day. Yeah, so speaking of too much to remember, how old did you say you were? Oh. Thousands of years? I'd say give it a thousand of years old. Can I? Just because I'm curious about the beginnings of foods.

So, being a semi-magical creature myself, I'm just curious about the foundations in the beginnings. What's the first thing you remembered? Well, you know, the thing about turtles, it's really hard is um the shell the shell So first I was in a shell Was anyone here born in a shell? I was not born into a shell. No, but you know actually Chant has a giant egg that may have his offspring in it and that's a shell, but it could be dead

It could be a ghost. No, I'll say that. I'm just saying It's a possible ghost in a shell. So you've heard the song. Oh, there's a song. Yes, when you're a ghost and you live in a shell and we're back It's very long. I'd be honest. That's the one song. I wish we hadn't cut. Yeah, that was good That you stuck the landing. Thank you. Yeah, I never I didn't know you could rhyme so many words with the scarlet Joranson Yeah, I was curious what that word was. I didn't know the four of us could just launch into some sort of semi choreographed dance Yep, but we cut it. It's instinctual. Mm-hmm. So you were in a show you got out. Do you remember anything? About the terrain about was anybody else around? Oh actually cool thing about getting in on the ground floor of fun was actually just how much FaceTime we had with Foo and Un and actually all the goddesses beyond that, not

just the ones in charge of creation, the ones in charge of maintenance and repairs, tech. Yeah, so it was really, it was an incredible time. Everything's a little grayer now. Tech? What was the goddess of? Tech I don't she said tech tech one two all the time and that's how I learned numbers Oh, she also wrote a series of uninspired novels. Oh, I haven't read them. Yes. They're mostly about a little kind of a boring war tech war I'm not familiar, but you know, maybe

So you got some faceTime with the Goddesses. Yeah, that was pretty incredible. That's amazing. We got to put in a lot of requests, which of course you can't do anymore, but at the time it was really exciting. Actually, my personal favorite is a starfish. I've never seen one of those. Yeah, I mean on TV, which is something on my world.

Like a painting. Yeah, you know, on TV, which is something on my world. Like a painting, like a, like a, like a, like a, like imagine there was a moving painting in your home and every day you'd come home and watch for five hours of it. Oh, so you do know the ghost in the shell. Oh, I guess I do. Yeah, scary. So Arnie, a starfish is when five fish catch their tails

together and they just start to morph into one creature. So it's a, imagine a star, five point in star, but each point of the star is a fish's head and then their body has merged into one body. And eventually they spin so fast that the water swar is all around them and that's actually how holes are made. How holes?

Yeah, you know that. That's where all holes come from. You know that hole in your pants? Yeah, this one was. That's where all holes come from. You know that hole in your pants? Yeah, this one was starfish. Tiny starfish, so sorry. That's just like that was friction. No. You know that starfish.

You know the other day when you used to work out at Tummy-Aik? Starfish in his intestines made a hole. They made a hole in the accident. They live in my intestines. No, that's not good. But I'm mad at them. It's not I'm not going to kick them out. They pay rent.

Can I ask, you know what, from my experience talking to very old people It seems like the best approach is just to be like hey telling about the olden times I thought that would work. Yeah, yeah, okay. Well, it's about your first memories But yeah, what are what are the big differences from old food to new food? Oh Well old food everyone was a lot nicer you know we hadn't they wouldn't say when I'm when talking to an old person here's what I like to do. Right which of course is a great honor. Or like interrupt them when they're talking. Sorry I have meant I don't interrupt people. Yeah respect your

elders respect your thousands of year elders. Thank you. She's very old. I'm incredibly old. Sorry. But I look very good. No, you look great. Thank you so much. You don't look at day-over, like less than a thousand. You don't look at day-over, did.

You're good. Thank you so much. I actually just got my Shellen'scribe, did you see? Yeah. You mentioned that three or four years. Oh, I did. Yes. There's been a few songs, so it's been a while.

Oh, my gosh. Sorry. Sometimes I fall asleep while I'm talking. Anyway, all food was incredible. We hadn't learned how to hate each other yet. Oh. So every beautiful phrase. Thank you. I'm just thinking about our podcast. I feel like episode one or maybe two. We hadn't learned to hate each other yet. Yeah. But then we learned so fast. Yeah, by hate each other yet. Yeah, but then we learned so fast I have a three. I think yeah flower Around the year 3000 we figured that had to hate each other too, so you know, it all works out But it was a different time everyone was learning how to walk learning how to sing the great prayers hadn't been written yet

So you know, it was just it was a time of exploration and free love, baby. Ooh, well we're looking for lovers and fighters. Oh, at the same time? I think so. Can I ask, Hildi, you said everyone was learning to walk, learning to sing. What were the first attempts at walking like? Or some of the failures that led to success? Well, some of the great failures are, of course, eels.

Oh, yeah. So... Fucking idiots. Fucking idiots, I mean, eels. Oh, yeah. So... Fucking eels. Fucking idiots. I mean, come on. They were never gonna walk? I know, that's why foot and... Uhhh! Ha!

Gave them the power of lightning. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. That was the gift is recompense for the long walk. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, eels trying to walk is like best case scenario you're gonna be a fucking snake. Exactly. Did you know that there's a band on your world called Eels?

Oh, I love Eels and people often tweeted me. They wrote a song called I love birds. Oh, yeah, Eels and I listen to it. It's beautiful. It is good Yeah, I love that song. I love Eels. I don't remember that. It's really it's kind of it's a band, but it's one person I can see your eyes glazing over, but it's it's interesting to me. You never sing songs You sing a song song we can cut out. All right, I'm gonna start singing now I'm gonna cut that out, but it was beautiful. I did a really good job. Why are you all crying? That was gorgeous No, I stubbed my toe. Oh, oh I thought I had a heart all the great prayers, but that one was incredible. Hildy, now you mentioned something before the break that I want to talk about.

Yes, Flotus. You mentioned that you had many husbands. Oh, well, well, well. So it all comes out. Over the years, do you just collect them or did you? Your hand is covered in rings. Everything or is just to the brim. I know I had to you know I tried to shrink my arm so they could go all the way up, but it

What I tried to shrink my arm. I think I'll go all the way up. Yeah, make more room for them I guess yes, I would you think yes exactly. Do you know what string is? We'll talk about it later. Imagine a rope but smaller. Oh small rope. Yes, it's thinner. How did you try to shrink your arm? Well, I would try just to let one hang loose while I swim with the other Atrophy, maybe if she's done that, but I don't know. Yeah, I've been trying to do that with all my limbs I think if you can swim with one arm you should win at trophy. How would you trying to do that with all my limbs. I think if you can swim with one arm, you should win atrophy. How would you try to do that with all your limbs? You'd sink to the bottom.

Oh, not while swimming, just while sitting in a tavern for about four years. Oh, hmm. Yeah, I guess I've never said anywhere for four years. Water moves you, you know. Hey, I should bite that down. It is a beautiful sentiment. Well, it's a fact. Water does move you literally.

Oh, I am less mobile than a thousand-year-old turtle. I don't think that's fair. Well, turtles are pretty fast. Yeah. Turtles are bad fat. I worked out. Oh. Yeah.

What's your workout regimen like? I eat electro-keels and then, honestly, they move through me in such a way that I sometimes end up all halfway across food by the time I'm done. No, wow. Yeah, it's called involuntary cardio arrest. Oh, no. Yeah, you're illegal. Yeah. Are you in for yourself? I guess I'm not familiar with that term, but if that means you swallow electric eels and then they move through you in such a way that you've violently twitch across earth Then yes, and that is what it is. Oh Sounds painful. Yeah, but I look good you do you look good. Thank you So yes, I've had many husbands at the same time

I have a rule about husbands. It's um, it's Doesn't make sense. Well, then we definitely want to be honest. The show doesn't make sense. Uh, you know, if I'm on land, I can have one husband at a time. And if I'm in the ocean, I can have two at a time. One if I land? Yeah, two if I see. But, you know, because I spend my summers on land,

and my winters in the ocean. That's nice. Well, do you, let's say you spend a summer online, you have one husband, you go back to the ocean is that two different husbands Or do you add a husband to the first one? Well, whenever I'm in the ocean Oh, I see I can have two aquatic husbands at any given time separate from the land husband separate from the one land Husband understood land husband can find each other much faster. There's more conventions underwater everyone keeps to themselves Everyone's in school. They're burrowing, it's different. That's a, that makes perfect sense to me.

How long do your husbands tend to live or do you just collect more and more as you go along? I just keep going usually. That's cool. Because different species have different, you know, life. Sure. So you don't owe us an area and other turtle? Oh no, boring. Oh that's good.

Yeah. Well you said you had a Tentacle Scorp was at a husband or just a fling. Oh, right. Oh, that was just a fling I was in my early 2000s and it was just a different time. They say that the brain doesn't solidify into sort of who you are We're going to be until you're like 2500 or something. Mm-hmm exactly. Yeah, and a turtle doesn't reach her sexual peak until about I'm still waiting for mine. Oh, yeah, hey me too. Really? Oh my god Exactly. And a turtle doesn't reach her sexual peak until about. I'm still waiting for mine. Oh, hey me too!

Really? Oh my gosh, when did it happen for whatever you are? I don't know, I mean it probably passed, but I'm just trying to be optimistic about it. Good for you. There's a little something written on my shell about that actually. Can you see it? No, we have. We've seen it.

We saw it. Yeah. And we might be cursed. I think we are. Are you enjoying your pineapple? Cucadoo. Oh, I am. Thank you. Is there any in my teeth? Don't think so. No, no, you look good. Have any Teases like a beak. This is beautiful. I haven't relaxed like this in centuries. Yeah, and you've earned it. You have earned it. Thank you. That's what I say. If I could find any of my children, I just hope they'd say the same. Oh, where are your kids? Goddesses help me if I know.

This is the thing about being a turtle. You lay eggs and then you run away. Oh, well, I mean... You don't raise your kids? Goddesses know. What do you do? Did I not say this before? Life is nothing if you can crack your shell. I don't know if she said that. Did she say this before? Life is nothing if you can crack your shell.

I don't know if she said that before. Did she say that before? It's written all over my back. Can anybody hear weed? I can read. Thank you, Flotus. Bragg. I'm being braggart.

It's answering the questions. See, Bragg, you'll see Bragg. She asked me a question, and I answered it. And let me ask you a question, Hildie. I don't want to be rude. You said that either you get missions from unknown remote source. Are you one of Charlie's Turtles? Well, we were never told who our boss was, but maybe.

Are you from Charlie's Turtles? No. It's a collection of terrapins that receive missions to go and do right. So maybe not if she's robbing a boat. Wow, thinking about. Yeah, we hear the floor rumble and then we take a Lucy clue. So it's a clue that's come loose? Yeah, exactly. And then when you got your treasures, would you keep less, bury more, like what would you do with those? um Cameron Diaz uh Hillary I have actually have a question what kind of stuff do you do when you're cruising that's a weird segue

oh that's okay um kind of stuff I do well I like to meet people I met many of my husband's while cruising um I love shuffleboard have you played it? uh you know what I have, really? You know, back on my world, I briefly spent some time working on a cruise ship. Really? Yeah, wait, have you told us this? I haven't told you this, I'm fucking telling you everything. What, what, what can you try?

Were you a captain, a chef? No, I was something far more important. I was an improviser slash sketch performer for a famous theater that would not contractually let me tell people I work for the... Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Well, we're some of the activities you do in the cruise ship but besides shuffleboard and disappointing audiences. Basically, what I would do is, you know, I would sail the same circuit week after week, and you know, we get into port and I take my laptop with me to like a cabana or a bar or something, and if they had Wi-Fi, I download TV shows and then I'd get back on the ship and I would watch them. And is that what people do on cruise cruises and people who work on cruises in a capacity where they don't actually do very much? Yes. Okay. Well that sounds like fun. Hilly is that anything that you do on cruises? I do watch a lot of shows but they're not very funny. Oh, so the improv shows. Well Hilly I'm just

excited we're gonna spend some time with you on this ship and just kind of They're not very funny. Oh, so improv shows. Well, Hilde, I'm just excited. We're gonna spend some time with you on this ship and just kind of, you and maybe we should spend this week relaxing. We've all been on a hard quest. We've been traveling across Finn for a long time. Maybe we should take this week and just kind of like, take the cruise mentality.

Let's have some drinks. Let's lay out on the deck. Yes, take a little break. Life is incredibly long. And we're already two episodes back into the season. We need a break. Or you can draw me like one of your earth girls. Exactly.

That's a big rate. Oh, well before we do that, this is very important responsibility that we should not forget. You know, a listener, you can email us at Magic Tavern. Uh-oh, uh-oh. What's that uh, listener, you can email us at magic tavern at what's that? Listeners, you can see mail us. You can, you can see mail us at magic tavern at puppies. That supplies it's a real email address and yeah, it's a real. See mail address and you know, you try Arnie, just try to support me I cannot I cannot and you

can ask us questions or you can give us advice on how we can defeat the dark Lord you can also contact me by crossing your arms as you sleep putting a hot towel over your face speaking the words you said or is the best you said or is the best and I want to hear all his songs. Or they can follow you on Twitter. At usador the blue. Anyway, here's an email. Follow you on C-Tur.

Yes. C-Tur-Tul. Alright, so here's an email that I have fogging up. Of all the things you decided to pay attention to. Alright, here's a se-mail. Thank you. Subject line, do centaurs. Shit, while they walk. You know what? That's enough of that one.

Chun, did you get any se-mails? The answer was yes, by the way. You would have to imagine to do. Of course. I have a se-mail here. This is from Chris Kirk. Says, Here's our emails. Wow. I have an email. This is from Chris Kirk.

Chris says, Hello Arnie, Yousador and Chant. Hello guest. If there is one, there is. Oh my god. This is somebody from Earth saying hello to you. Oh, can they hear me?

Um, eventually. Yeah. If there's still listening, I just earned my master's degree in composition and was wondering what is composition? Composting. I think it's like drawing. It's like drawing, but see you don't know. I don't know. I just say you don't know. I just earned my master's degree in composition and was wondering if Fune has a degree system and if so, what that looks like. Love the podcast and hope you all survive the vast wilderness of Fune. We do have a degree system.

So what happens is, depending on where you live, or if you're in a certain part of the ocean, things get hotter or colder, so you add degrees or you lose degrees. Yeah, and also, we have survived the wilderness of food, and we're much more likely now to die at sea. Oh no. Also, Chuck, you're on Twitter as well. Yeah, you can follow me on Twitter at chat with six teas.

And I'm also on Instagram as a chunt baby. That's chant with one tea. She makes it up. And you can follow me at Magic Tavern on Twitter. Should I get a new Twitter that's chant with six teas? Sees build SCAS? It's fun. How about chant with seven teas?

Ooh, why seven? Are you high? How many seas? You still high? How many seas are there in FUN? How many seas are there in FUN? Is this a riddle? Mmm-hmm, let me see's are there.

If the O's are separated, I suppose each O could be two seas. Here we go. There are 27 seas's in phone. Oh. What? What's going to let you figure that out by yourselves, but honestly, I've swam them all. What's your favorite?

Mm. Ecuador. What's your least favorite? Shamburg. Shamburg, yeah. Shamburg C. You know what? Did you ever do improv shows?

How to crochet? Well, once they asked me to come up. Oh, and? Yeah, during a show. What happened? Oh, it was incredible. Two of the people in the little troop stood on either side of the stage and And then they would do they were doing a scene that was imaginary on the spot And then all of a sudden they would touch my shell and I would get to talk But what they didn't know is I just grabbed their hands and I kept it on my shell so I could talk for the entire show. I got a standing ovation and they allowed me to drive the ship. Wow!

Did they person do in their little skit? Did they die forever since they touched your shell? Oh, I'm not allowed to say. But that sounds like a yes. Well, we won't see them anymore and this world if you're picking up what I'm putting down. We hear you loud and clear. Oh, thank you, my ring. if you're picking up what I'm putting down. We hear you loud and clear. Oh, thank you, my ring.

Oh, it's... yep, there you go. Oh, she swallowed it. Oh, my teeth. She doesn't have teeth. Far be it for me to criticize, but someone's wordplay started to get, Seag Zawsting. Usurdo Wizard was performed on his pantsless glory by Matt Young. Chant the shape shifter was played by Adolfie. Hildi Shiblin, the ancient sea turtle, was played by Olivia Nielsen.

So nice to hear a giant sea turtle not trawling out dime store parenting advice to lost clownfish. To find out more about Olivia and her upcoming shows, visit OliviaWestNielsen.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, who did such a good job of not mentioning Second City as his cruise ship employer, Matt Young and Adel Raphai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathjinn, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgi. Great job. Again with the interruption. For future reference, special assistance is never a book end.

If anything, it's a pity credit. DeGeorgi was probably the only one around with an HBO password or a belt. Where was I? The Hello from the Magic Tavern logo is by Allspice Latrek. Original theme song by Drew Javlinville. See Shanti Variation of the Theme Song by Arnie Parrott. To hear more of Arnie's music, check out his website atptunes.com. Arnie throws himself into his work instead of connecting with people, so he created an alternate

version of our theme with lyrics, and what the hell I'm playing us out on it. Until next time, consider me painfully aware they've done on what if by land two if by sea thing two weeks in a row. Or Vida Zane! Scary and revenge race, a baby friggin' new panic So the dragons make him panic kicks Seven dragons and a baby sleep be at quite more than They stomp hold up, hunt and the wizard yell in that How the hell am I? They find you rather charm and thinkin' what's with all the campaign The summons for the table and the baby makes them panic kicks

Seven dragons and a baby ever lost its seed. Recouting all their favorite scenes from getting us season three. The eight to them agree that they preferred it without ad breaks. But they all support the artist so blue apron sends the pancakes. and pigs.