Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 20 - Staff Dinner

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

A staff dinner party at Jizzleknob leads to intrigue and romance and lycanthropy.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMiss Weatherwere: Sarah Mobley Prof. Elroy Topplestar: Jessye Grace MuellerMallory McKnoboff: Squeek RangelMysterious Man: Tim SniffenLincoln: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I don't trust you. Oh, you're back. What the hell ambience is this? Hint of Jersey Shore? Oh, right. I back. What the hell ambiance is this? Hint of Jersey Shore? Oh, right. I was gonna fix that. So, where were you? I was at your anti-coast, left west coast,

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The show is set in New York City, heard of it, after a battle between Galactus and the Fantastic Four. If you want to give Marvels a shot, go to Stitcher Premium.com and sign up with the code Magic. That will get you a free month trial of Stitcher Premium. That's Stitcher Premium.com with the promo code Magic. And while you're there, check out all the Magic Tavern bonus content, including but not limited to I Am Spin Tax. I'll even play a clip of the latest I am spin-tax episode after the show, so you can decide if this much adjacent content is commensurate with the goodwill we've earned up till now. In the meantime, let's find out what the regular guy, the one who's really into it, and the one who slows things down are up to this week, shall we?

Hello from the Professor's Wardrobe. A weekly podcast from Gisilnau Preparatory School for Young Wizards. I'm your host, Professor Neekamp. If you've never listened to podcasts, thank I know, right? You owned it. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Some time ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, which I use to upload a podcast every week chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and currently, sort of chronicling our time molding the future magic users of fune at Jizzle Mab Academy, as we teach here at the I'm losing it John as we teach a professor knee camp again Teach professor knee camp how to say say it like you mean it Professor knee camp. Yeah, you can know it. Don't say it like you're in trouble. Oh, okay

You're being stern with yourself. Oh, okay professor knee camp. No, that sounds desperate say it like professor Neat shot stand up. I'm gonna stand up on the table. Professor Neacamp. No, Spinnett Chair. Professor Neacamp. Say it like a great young friend. We believe in you even though that one kid, what's that?

Greed an old friend. Professor Neacamp. Professor Neacamp. I didn't know you had a life outside of the class. Oh no. What? Is that no good, you nailed it. It's like they saw me at the mall or something.

What's the mall? Well, on earth there are like big stores, like a bunch of stores altogether and like those we call them big stores. Oh, big stores. Oh, well then what are malls here? I don't know if we have malls. I mean, if someone were to go to the mall,

they would get torn up, like they would get scratched and like torn apart a little bit. Yeah, sounds bad, but probably you're still not nostalgic about it in the way. Yeah, I mean, there are shopping malls. Were you paid to be malled so that, you know, you can get out of holiday or see your family.

Black Friday. Sure. Well, anyway, my co-professor, my peer here at Gisborneop, is that Chant the Talking Badger? Oh, affirmative, bitty. Oh, I'm really taking My co-professor, my peer here at Giselnab is a chump-to-talking badger. Oh, affirmative, bitty. Oh, I'm really taken to being a performer. You know what? Also, I think listeners should know, you know, sometimes we're just in a tavern, we're

like throwing back ails, but we're classin' it up with a little bit of wine. I'm trying to be a little more adult. And speaking of the most adult among us, my also one of my other peers here at Giselnab, Professor Yusador. Hi, I'm Yusador. Wizard of the 12th Rail Mothafesius Master of Lichens. You saw him, you saw him.

Miniculator of my total life. Pass it up, class it up. Class of hour of chaos. Champion of the Great Holes of the Rock. Champion. I was the Gaskinins Yeah, yeah, that was No,

Yeah, I'm I'm I'm No, no, no, no, no, these just gasm Winnius may star and there may be other secret names names that have uttered a loud Close enough to sure

and Make you appear in your finest form. Oh, Oh, And you still have you tried the wine? Did it again. Yes, the wine is wonderful. It's really delicious.

Did you smell the notes? Yes. Okay. Okay, just wine talking. Oh, I see. Tannins. Ooh, a decanter. Oh, black tapes.

Mmm. Okie. Doki. Alright, so pretty. Artichoke. Oh, yes, okay, I'm so sorry, yes. The crushing line. Artichoke. So I'm very excited. I know. Last week we talked about how I'm not being social enough here at the school. So I invited some of the other teachers to the professor's wardrobe

and we're going to have a dinner and just like I wonder chat about teaching here at the school. Speaking of chatting about teaching, I don't know if I've ever told you guys what defense against art history is. No, you didn't tell you what it is. No, we've talked so much and you have not talked about what you're actually teaching. So what it is is if anyone ever approaches you in life and wants to talk about culture or art, it's just a way to get out of that. So try and talk to me about art history. Oh, you know, I've heard that van Gogh. Sorry, my wife's over there. Oh, see? So I'm defending against people talking to me about art history. Oh, yeah, you said, are you trying to talk to me about art history? I believe that this sculpture makes me think of the way that water flows.

Yeah, my voice's over there. Oh, okay. See? It works every time. Every time. What if you're not married? Talk to me again about, I'll show you. I'll show you what to do.

Oh, I think the strong angles on this sculpture make. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I died 10 years ago. Oh. Ghosts can't talk about art. It's well known. Is that why there's the ghost that's apparently slashing the paintings in the school? Oh, maybe Very popular. The kids keep talking about it especially the kids from Dingledong house. Yeah, they say it's a lurking phantom. Yeah, the lurking phantom. Yes, we must defeat the lurking phantom, but we must not forget why we've come here to gizzenob. We were looking for a spy potentially. Oh, yeah. So you may have had one of the pages from the book of sight.

An agent of the Dark Lord, and now here we have been so enamored with the school here that we have lost sight of what we originally did come for. So I show to you this. Now you can talk. Remember? Anytime someone shows the silent eye coin, they put it up through their eye, and you must share five seconds of silence while making direct eye contact with them. Like this, an awning. Oh, look, wait, no, I have my somewhere. And you must share five seconds of silence while making direct eye contact with them like this and Arnie Wait, no, I have my somewhere. No, no, no, I can find my

If you don't have yours, then you have to compliment the other person. Oh Usador your You can go out. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, see like we said last week He just thinks everything is validation. Yeah, I'm quite pleased with that. Look, just because I can't find my coin doesn't mean that I don't love them. And I'm excited that apparently you can get them on Earth now. Really?

Yeah. The silent eye coins you can buy on Earth. Our secret society coins are available for purchase as much as I'm not. Was that, when we said secret, Arnie, what did you do? I thought well where can they buy? Well, you know, I think if you just go to hello from the magic tavern.com Which you should go to like every day just looking for updates There'll be a link to get a silent eye coin and other merch you would have to imagine

Do we have any other secrets I should put on our website? Nope. Use it all. You gotta have a secret. Mm, let me see. About 150 years ago, I spent two years transformed into a skunk. Oh, okay.

I gotta think of a merch opportunity around that. But you just said secret. Yeah. I was embarrassed. I didn't mean to get scunked. We got monetized. I was an accident. Well now two of the three of us have been skunks.

That's fun. That's fun, right? Wow. I've been drunk as a skunk. No, I've been drunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk.

I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. I've been drunk as a skunk. coming here into the Professor's Wall Trobe, and there's going to be a Professor's appreciation dinner.

Oh, that reminds me. We said we were going to invite all of the professors, and I know that was my job to invite them, but as I said before, I get nervous talking to people when it's thought on the podcast. So I only invited three of the 40 professors here. So I could have told you before you set up all the chairs.

I'm sorry about that. That's all right. Because it was so easy. Scala, la, la, la, la, la! Whoa, the chairs are marching off on their own. Uh-huh. They're picking up buckets of water. Doesn't seem like he has complete some of the chairs

are being chopping up others. They're multiplying. No. Wait, I got it. I have to take it off. I'll be right back. Wait. Uh, John, now, uh, if I could ask a little bit of your help, do you want to risk that?

I personally invited three other professors. Oh, sorry, my wife's over there. Oh, God. I missed it. Kidding, wait a second. What do you mean? He don't have a wife. He didn't have a husband. He don't have a wife. He don't have a wife. He don't have a wife? You don't have a husband. You don't need that.

What the fuck dinner talk? No, that's not conversation. Don't talk about my long husband. Well, that's a better way to praise that. I mean, that could be a pretty good. No, no, no. What were you gonna say? I was just gonna say, I invited three of the professors personally, but you know me.

I can't remember names ever. So can you introduce your set like? Yeah, I'll make things. I don't want to be like, I don't want to be like can you introduce your set like yeah, I'll make I don't want to be like I don't want to be like oh and this is who's what you do just when you Introduce them to me and say this is my friend chunt and then act like you've got a you know something Message or something or look down at your status. Okay, and I'll say what's your name? Okay. Yeah, Matt. Okay, all right I was thinking you would just proactively step in. No, it's not gonna be a whole thing.

I'm gonna make it a whole thing. So, okay, so you're kind of helping me, but in you helping me, there has to be a moment of me clearly failing. I need you to like humble yourself, like, yeah. All right. To either humiliate yourself or make it known that there's something wrong.

Okay, I think I have that ton of control now. Oh, I love that new hat. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Uh, use it or um. I'm sorry, I have a message in my potatoes. God, oh wait, oh, looks like our first guest is here. Hey, thanks for coming.

Arnie, introduce me. Mmm, what's this? Introduce me to the teacher. I'm not really a teacher, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. It was so kind of a chant. Kind of chant. And Arnie, who is this?

I'm not a teacher. I'm not a teacher. Oh, you're a professor. No, I'm not a professor. This is an imposter. No, I'm a lowly library assistant, but Arnie was so kind to invite me. Oh, my God.

My name is Winifred Weatherware. Winifred Weatherware. I'm a really library assistant, but Arnie was so kind to invite me. Oh! Oh my god! My name is Winifred Weatherware. Oh! Winifred Weatherware? We're in Fred. Oh, it's... You can call me Winnie, my friends do. I have a few of them, but...

Oh, okay, Bragg. Hello, Winnie. It's nice to see you again. Excuse me for a moment. I'm still looking at this message in my potatoes. So Winnie, you said you're a, did you say lonely or lowly? Lowly. Lowly.

As in short. Oh, okay. And are you lonely? Yes. Wow, two for two. It goes well together, I'm sure. And I sort of speak lowly as well, so I suppose it fits me quite well. You wear a weak well.

Yeah, oh, that's so kind. Are you a librarian? Actually I'm the library assistant. Yes which is I would venture to say a harder job than the actual librarian. So when the librarian puts a book back you like giving my thumbs up. Oh the librarian does not put books back. Oh, I do all of that. Oh. The librarian is, let us call them a figurehead. Only a figurehead.

I catalog, put away, no by heart, all the books in the library. And it's quite extensive. You've ever been. Oh, I don't think I've been yet. Oh, it's a beautiful library. With many wonderful tomes and grimwares. And you've committed all of this to memory. How wonderful.

I have a lot of time on my hands. Yes. And of course the head library in is just a figurehead. I know the pomp and circum stance without any real power. It's just a wooden statue of a library, and it doesn't do anything. I mean, maybe someday if it goes, life, and it wills itself to life, but.

No, it's sort of a strange set up, but I actually can speak to that figurehead. Mm-hmm. And it tells me exactly what to do. That's the figurehead that told me to memorize all the works. Oh, okay. It's very difficult for a wooden figure to put away books, so I use my corporeal form to do so.

What if I can't, can I ask? I hope this is a two-personal question. Is this wooden statue the only inanimate object that tells you to do things or...? No. Of course not. Do you not have inanimate objects tell you to do things? Of course I do.

I thought that was quite typical. I don't think any inanimate objects tell me to do things. That's why you don't do that much. Yeah, I mean, this table's been telling you to shut the fuck up for 20 minutes. Oh, yes. You'll hear it too. I did. Now that you pointed it out, it's quite loud. I was literally just getting a message from my potatoes.

Oh, it looks like our second guest is here. Oh, hey, I thought this was the party. Is this the party? This is the A party. It's a dinner party. Right, right, this is not the first time I have been invited to a swan lay. And there are only one, two, what, five participants? Who you should teach math.

Well, no, I don't teach that. No, I teach math. Oh, you teach all the math teacher. I'm the new math teacher. I'm assuming everyone's talking about. Everyone is. Yes, indeed. I heard your lecture about a duck was a craving success. Oh, I hope so. Yeah. Yes. Well, he fell into a world of math magic. It's really like the best thing about it. It's

really right there in the title. It's not typical for me to interrupt, but I must say that I do hear students complimenting your teaching skills. Really? Yes. People do. Really? Yes. What a nice lie.

Oh no, it's quite true. Oh, like which ones? Have any of them? Oh, I would say let's do a numerical quantification of sorts. I would say of each. Oh, interesting. Of each 10 students that enter the library, at least six have offhandedly complemented your teaching skills. Yes. I mean, the only thing I've heard is that new math teacher's causing division. I don't know what that

jokes. I'm so excited. This is my friend, Elroy. I didn't know Elroy wasn't there. I know I need no introduction as I'm Elroy Topplestar. Oh! Yes, indeed. I was there. I've been everywhere. Elroy, are you Jet's son? Yes.

Oh, okay. You know Jet. Your father's Jet? My father Jet Topplestar. Yeah, Jet Top topplestar. And then he- Here's an astrophysicist? Well, yes, but he had a boss who was quite domineering who would just yell Jett.

Oh dear. And then when I went there, I would be yelled at Jett's song. So there you are. Yes, I am Jett's son. But that's not the reason I'm famous, you know. Oh, you're famous. Oh, Yes, I am Jetson, but that's not the reason I'm famous. Oh, you're famous. Oh, yes, I am most famous. You don't, you don't know who I am. Ah, you're Jetson? You're Jetson? No, that's not it. I mean, are you famous if you have to tell us who you are?

I know who he is. Thank you. At least one cultured person here knows. Well, so let me tell you, I wrote the book Thinking Happy Thoughts to Slave the Demons That's Around Your Mind. That's the whole title? Yes, that's the whole title. Give it to me again. Thinking Happy Thoughts to Slave the Demons That's Around Your Mind. Yes.

And it's a comedy or... It's a self-help book. Mmm. I have been reading this book all week. Yes. And I am learning so much about conquering the demons. Not the literal demons like I usually do, but the demons around my mind. Mind demons. Of which there are many. And Winnie, I see that you have a shelf help book, let me open this up just says make sure it's

fastened to the wall, tighten this groove, is it helpful with shelving? Yes. You're quite a good reader. Your comprehension is above average. That's talking down to me just because I'm a badger doesn't mean I don't know how to read. I'm a shapes shifter actually. No Oh, I am a skin shifter. Oh What does that mean? Well being that you're a badger you shift your shape. I am a person with skin and

mind shifts Okay, everything checks out so far. Can you, does everything on the inside stay where it is? I hope so. Yeah. So like your skin will give a ripple or what's going on here? Well, at certain times, when the things arrive, I change. Hmm, what is your right? And it's quite terrifying.

Okay. I've had to navigate it myself, and I I tutors students who have skin-shifting abilities and are frightened of them after school. Are you can you pass that fruit salad? Sure. Okay. The fruit salad is you can tell the fruit is ripe. Anything? Nothing, nothing yet. Okay. I don't shift other skin. I shift my

own. Oh okay I see. No I figured that yes. What? Okay. You don't shift other skin. I shift my own. Oh, okay. I see. No, I figured that. Yes. What? What? You said when things are ripe. Oh! When the time is ripe, like the moon and the stars. And the sky. Shut up, fruit. I'll get to it when I want to. I thought you wanted me to change fruit to meat or something. Ooh, I mean, that'd be fun. That would be great, because I hate fruit. I know a student that can do that.

Ooh, what's their name? Meat. Mm. Mm. Meat, and there's a kid named meat, and they turn fruit to meat. Fruit to meat? You know, in Funa, I also knew a band called Fruit to Meat.

Uh-huh. It was a boy band. Yeah. I've heard them. Oh, good. Oh, nice. Yeah. I've heard them. Oh, good. Oh, nice. They're very, very good.

So, Elroy, you're famous for writing this book. Well, yes. I've written several books, but this is the one that really caught on. In fact, it's what I teach here at the school. I am a professor of thinking happy thoughts, to slay the demons that surround your mind. That's my class. That's what I'm professor of. Yes. So you're teaching your own book. Yes. Yes. And then I also teach the children's salesmanship.

They all buy some books and then they have to sell those books. Okay. And then they also have to recruit other people to sell those books. to recruit other people to sell those books. So everyone is learning how to be a merchant. It's like a triangle opportunity. There's me at the top and then everybody works their way up. Which reminds me, I have some books I would like to sell. Yes. For I have been recruited.

And if I could tell you all, you could all be slaying associates. That's what I call them. Because you're slaying the demons in your mind and you're getting those sales. You're just getting them. Yes. So if I get my friends to slay their demons, what percentage of their demons come to me? Oh, well that's a very good question. Are you looking to employ those demons in a different way than weighing upon your mind, or are you wanting those demons to become sales associates with you?

I guess I haven't thought it through that much. I just want to make sure that I'm not missing out on a great opportunity. Well, you can all join. Let me get my scrolls. Hold on, I'll be right back. I'm going to run to my turret one moment. Oh, I know someone who joined the Triangle opportunity, and at the end of the year they were the top seller and they got a pink dragon.

Why? I don't know. I've always wanted one. You've always wanted a pink dragon? I have. Be very cool. Oh, there's another guest joining us. Oh, there's another guest joining us. Oh, he is.

Oh, we need apologies. Oh, it really is coldest cauldrons out there. Cauldron is an neglected cauldron. I swear. Elroy. Nice to see you. Oh, yes, I came back. I ran to my turt and here are the scrolls.

Yes, yes. Perform for everyone. Oh, yes, perform for everyone. Arnie, who's this? Oh, hey, um, this is, um, that I'm a woman, I'll do it myself. I'm Mallory Big Noboff. Yeah, pleasure to meet everyone. It really is cold as the stars and moon out there, when I didn't mean to be in sensitive just now. It is colder than the dark side. What are we all drinking? Mostly wine. It has notes. Would you like to say some wine words? Positive. So what are you getting a bit of a chocolate tennis ball? This is interesting because they said it's actually a lot to do with what I teach up at the school. Yes, I'm getting notes of that note right there. That is lovely. Thank you. Because we are working on dragon scales this

way of apologies everyone. I teach sing cantations up at the school for those who want to do it without a wand. who want to do it without a wand. Oh, that's fun. Yes, absolutely. I'd love to have a class where we join up and I have my students try singing with you teaching them. How to sing. I want them to slay the dragon of stage fright. Oh, that one was tinny.

That was a tinny note. Week. Sing cantations. I thought you said sincantations. Sing cantations, I thought you said sin cantations. Sing cantations. Sing cantations. Yes, yes, the ability to use one's voice to speak magic into their life.

Could you give us a sin cantation? Yeah, I love to sing it. No, don't be sing. I literally hate the drama. I would never. Please. But why is it so weird? Why would you say that you're drinking tea and preparing to sing?

Yes, right. Well, I'll just do the school song then. Could you please ask me the school song? Yes, thank you. I really hate it, I hate it. Oh, hell, Jesus, nob. To the view, here forever true To the magic humans older than a fool She's really working the room while she sings the song so much for Brutto

Yeah, I'm exhausted, I won't do that again Beautiful, beautiful Would you do it again? Would you do that again. Beautiful. I won't do it again. Would you do that again? Would you do it again? Oh, hey. I'm joking. What fun we're already having.

I say, would you be so kind as to allow me to sing a solo in one of your concerts? Elroy. Yes. I'm... Winnie is my dearest friend. She's sitting right here. There's palpable attraction in tension, and I would never, never move in on you. What?

Oh. Oh, have I been insensitive? I don't believe so. I can sense the tension there, too. I... It speaks. Yes, it does. Is there a lot of competition for these roles here? Jisl enough?

The role of what? Top instructor. Well I was talking about getting Misholo in the school concert. Yeah, Roy that's for the students. But don't say about it Nancy. And I'm chun. I'm sorry. Yeah I'm chun. Sorry. This sorry. Yeah, I'm chuned. I'm sorry. This is annoying. I would have introduced him, but I forgot his name. You defend against art history? That's correct, yeah.

Yes, yes. We've heard a thing of two in the library about diversity. I've practiced that myself, I've tried. Yeah, just I think it's a very handy tool to have. If you're rubbing shoulders with socialites, be able to get out of any conversation that you don't want to pull your own in Yes, there is a blissful nihilism that does go along with that isn't there? Effinist, something I'd say. Absolutely. And this is Yusudor. Yes. Hi You know some of them. Oh, yes. Well, I've come to know

many of the people who work here. I know Mallory and I know Many of the people who work here. I know Mallory and I know Winnie and I know Elroy. I've really made myself a part of the culture here. And now I'm going to pull myself away. Was there a dark matter of the foot? Again. Here. He keeps pulling that coin out of his pocket. Just the silent eye coin. Nobody knows.

Nobody knows. None of you know what this is. Would you like to buy another copy of my book? Yes, I probably should. I probably should. Here's some other money. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

And if you're run earth, you can buy one of those. Oh, the book? If that makes sense. I guess we could try to get that book into our merch store. Everyone is just speaking in incandescentations right now and it's not the wine. I don't understand. I'm so sorry, I'm from another world. Some of the things I say probably sound extra strange but interesting.

You're not like other girls. We know. Does merch store stand for merchant store? Yes. Well yeah a store where we have merchandise. But you know what I'm not here to talk about earth stuff. I do that in my class and you could all audit my class for half class because students have jizzled up. I'm interested in hearing their students of jizzled up. Well as, as teachers at Jisulmab, you get a discount on taking classes.

You know, I'm just interested to learn more about like, what's the social scene like here? You know, you've all been teaching here for a while. Like, what does the staff do for fun? The social scene at Jisulm them. You're looking at it This is the life of every party right Winnie. Oh That's very kind of you to say I'm very excited when I get invited to parties and if I drink too much I do talk a lot Chose changes

I'm trying not to change the seat I get it she's been hitting at I get it. She's been hitting at it this whole time. She's got a drinking product. Wait, a team got it. Oh, this has become a bit of a broken social scene. I believe you changing into your form is beautiful. Oh, that's so kind of you, I'll rise. So if I'm gathering this correctly, a skin changer,

someone who drinks large quantities of alcohol and then their personality changes. Really? I would like it to be that simple. Winnie harmonized with this. Ow! I'm just kidding. I tried Mallory.

I'm so stupid. Suddenly, one cookies. Can we skip to the dessert? Do you know, when we do get bored at parties, we tend to gather in a circle, touch hands, and make things appear in the middle circle. Oh yes. And the three of you are touching hands right now,

so we must be boring you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll say it, yes, I'm bored. All right, all right. Thank you for being straightforward, I appreciate it. Oh, let's stand in a circle and try to make something appear. Yes. All right.

And then maybe we'll take a break and see what has appeared when we get back. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. I assume the sing-cantation goes on this. Close our eyes. Hold hands. So you know it.

Why don't you go? You've wanted the solo for so long now. Right. Here we go. Change, change, change. What's going to come here's a thing in the middle. Bum, bum. What? It's a thing in the middle. Bum bum. What?

It's more of a pattern contagion, right? There's something in the bum. No, no, there's just like, something in the middle. Something in the middle, it's onomatopoeia, like, bum bum. Yes. Yes, to dragon scale interval.

Because I heard that is changing, changing what's to come, something in the middle. Bum bum. We know how you heard it is changing, changing, what's to come, something in the middle. Bum bum. Bum bum. We know how you heard it. Right, will. That says more about you. I think it was you.

Fuck you. Oh, oh. Fuck you, Professor Eusser. What? Professor Arnold, how dare you speak to me this drink? Professor Neacamp. Professor Neacamp, I'm very sorry. We're just all trying to have fun here tonight.

We like the party and make something appear in the middle. We're gonna take a quick break while these two measure their cocks and we'll be right back with more magic devern. Wait, did you say measure their cocks? Cause that's how I heard it. And we're back. Winnie, thanks for sitting next to me here. So I can't quite get my-

Do you smell very good? Oh, thank you so much. You seem to have a very heightened sense of smell. All throughout dinner, you've been able to tell what's the next courses without seeing it. Yes, you've noticed. Yeah, and I wanna apologize. I thought you were just an alcoholic,

but it seems like you are some sort of wear. Yes, it's in my name, weather wear. Oh my, I am such a dumb, weather wear. You're not. So when the moon is ripe, that's when you change. Yes. And when you change, are you in control? Absolutely not.

I have no control over it at all. And it is quite frightening because you sort of lose a sense of yourself and become wild. Like, wow. And then after it's over over you feel as if you have taken off all your clothes and rolled around in front of everyone you know You feel like you've done that or you have that's what you feel like when you make up. Okay, I hope not I mean in a sense that's exactly what happens so when you change into the world We're wolf you're close to on do you see the same size? No, no, they come off as, as you know, most walls

are not decked out. I just noticed you're you have these sort of purple capris on and I just thought maybe those you like them. You change, they stayed the same, they stretched with you. They stretched to a point and then they rip. So, Elroy, I hear you're a very famous professor. I'm trying, been trying to work on making my students enjoy my class more. Do you have any advice for me? Oh, yes I do. Indeed, it's all about inspiring the youngsters. This is what?

The Tinny wine. Tinny wine, please continue. Well, it's all about inspiring the youngsters to not give into the naysayers. We all have critics, so just tell them, hey, you critic, be quiet. I'm making things. I'm doing things. What are you doing? You're criticizing don't point You're wanted me. I pointed away. I want to play a true Therin can'tation true Therin can'tation Oh Therin can'tation. It's that with Winnie. Oh

Oh, it's been the known. It's always such a hard decision. I'll I will go with incantation. It's been the gnome. It's always such a hard decision. I will go with incantation. Right, it's been the gnome. It's been the gnome. It will be... BOOM! BOOM! Four days each step.

Ha! Mmm. Inky-tinky. Blueish sky. Do not stop. What's that in your eye? Oh very nice. They got you on that note. I love it. There was a blue puff of smoke.

Yes, I'm not so very good. A magic maker. Oh no, I think you did just fine. I have a cashew in my eye. Oh, it's worth it. So shall I go next? I have a cashew in my eye So shall I go next? I'll tell a truth because I'm all about truth What you want me to sing it? You know don't make me sing Don't forget to spin the nose. Fine. Fine. Fine. Oh god.

Right. So it's, I'm telling a truth to someone? Tell a truth to someone with stars in their eyes. Someone who's been moaning in a truth. It's a truth. You know, don't point your wand at me. No, I want to tell you something. Guys, I feel like there's subtext going on here that I'm not getting. I'm not pointing my wand at you in a way that's threatening.

I just want you to know that though you criticize me, I think you look on me as a son. You know, I believe truly that you believe in me and try to push me in the right direction, and I appreciate that. And you're not a demon after all. I know you don't believe in me, but if you didn't like me,

you wouldn't tell me to go after Winnie. You wouldn't tell me to say, hey, Winnie, how about we go down to Vander Village and grab an ale or a meat or something? I don't even know what's up to X-But I can't pick up my camera. I can't. I know Winnie's like your daughter. You wouldn't tell me to ask Winnie out if you thought I was a...

A-Ascrew up? Mmm, this magic moment, yes. Winnie. Oh, what? I don't be afraid. I think you're the most wonderful lady around. There's a long path in there. I'm sorry, I just... Wait, we tongue tied sometimes.

We're going to call me a wolf. I am so sorry if this nuggety room last time I changed. I did not mean to, and if you're closer, torn torn I will buy you new ones. Let me tell you this. I enjoyed your wolf form. You were so strong. I'm so embarrassed. And I don't know if you remember but no I remember very little. There was a moment where we danced together in your wolf form. What? Yes! Quite unlike my wolf figure.

You didn't hurt me at all. No? No! That's never happened. Marty, that's called formal dance. Oh, when you were in a different form, I was sure. Yeah. Well, welcome to Chusel Nob.

Chusel. Truth or incantation? Truth or incantation? Truth or incantation? Truth or incantation? Oh, my turn. Uh, okay, I guess I'll do... I don't really know how to do an incantation, so I guess I'll do truth?

Just for the record. Oh, yes, spin the gnome. Okay. Mercy! And just for the record, your truth doesn't have to be that long. Oh, it doesn't have to be? Very long? Okay, uh, well, I... I told myself I wasn't gonna share this

with anybody, but it is on the podcast, so it is kind of. TikTok, or any TikTok. Oh, you know, I panicked while teaching my last class and the students were interested in anything I say, so I told them all I'm an airline pilot. Oh, I'm sorry, I should clarify. It doesn't have to be that long, but it still needs to be interesting. Oh

Since it wasn't interesting you have to give an incantation All right, okay only incantation only incantation. Okay Hey, we're flying at a high altitude. We're coming into Tampa and we'll be landing in about 23 minutes. If you look to your left, you'll see the ocean probably. I don't see it. Arnie's altitude, not altitude. Hey, look, I've been an airline pilot for 37 years.

I know what I'm talking about. So long. Oh, I got some peanuts in my hand. I guess it worked. I did it. Did I do? We're all doing not in cantations. I will say when I started telling my hand. I guess it worked. I mean, did it? Did I do? Oh my gosh. You're all doing not in-cantations. Not that day.

I would say when I started telling my students that I'm an airline pilot, they seemed really interested even though they had no idea what I was talking about. I love you for it. Yeah. It's a honey roasted. I feel kind of powerful. Yeah.

Look at this. Look at the power that community can bring you. Well done, everyone. Yes, I'd say it's a testament to us. Yay, us! Let's go, us. We should have truth from someone else. I mean, whatever you'd like.

Truth or incantation? Truth or incantation? Truth or incantation? I shall do an incantation. So, yes. Okay. Yeah, now, spin the note. Oh, sorry, yeah. Ah! Holdation. So I see it. Okay. Yeah, now. Spin the gnome.

Oh, sorry, yeah. Ah! All I know is there. We'll have to switch him out. A chunt? Yeah? Can I confer with chunt for a moment? Shh.

Sight. I'll how it? Chant saber, cyber. Yeah, yeah. I was going to do an incantation. They made Elroy and Winnie confess their love to each other. Okay. Although I think El Illinois already did.

Yeah. And I wanted to, I wanted to support that with my magic somehow. Sure. But now, should I use my incantation to bring the gnome back to life? Ooh, that's a tough one.

Love, our life, love our life. Well, you survive me. Yes. What is life without love? Oh, very true. And that gnome,

it's alone. It was a gnome alone. The other very true. And that gnome, it's alone. It was a gnome alone. The other day I walked by that gnome's room and he was acting like he had a big party. He was pulling all these strings with cardboard cutouts. It was very sad. It was very sad.

I think a life without love is no life at all. So don't worry about him. Worry about the two in love. I have a solution that you'll take out of both. Everyone, I am back to do my incantation. Hooray! Basically, hey. Here now, listen to me, goddesses.

Life and love cannot be cut short. Nay, it cannot be cropped. When two fall in love, let them know my doubt. TOO! I've magically bound you to the snow, you have to adopt it now. You have to adopt this dead gnome, huh? Pretty good. I am so excited. You're welcome.

Yes, yes. What a... what a gift. Thank you. As a person who's not a professor or a teacher who works at a school, the opportunity to adopt even a dead being is so so wonderful. I'll care for it in every way that I can. First, by burying it. Yes. We'll have a funeral.

Take your care of it. Is it with a family? What a good mom. That spell seems like it's in a moral gray area at best. Poor mom. Just right to help. Malorie, do- Don't point your wand at me. I'm so sorry, I'm trying to reach out my hand to you,

but I keep getting I have the wand in my heart. I don't need your affection. I've seen the happiness of a relationship come to fruition before my various, I don't need affection for myself. I'm married. Come to fruition, ripen. Oh, look at the moon. Oh, I have so sorry that it will never get us.

Do you have a truth or an excantation? Yeah, I just didn't say, look at the moon. It's like a half moon. So we're fucked up. I got scared from the moment I thought of. It's an incurable prank, sir. Oh, should I make it into a full moon? No, please don't. I do not want to roll naked in front of you do not force someone into a form They do not wish to appear as well. That's I asked quite respectful as always indeed

Yes, look such respect what we should be careful to not make people do anything They don't want to do but Mallory tell a truth Yes Truth or incandescent truth Truth They don't want to do but Mallory tell a truth. Yes, I'll say a truth and the incantation at the same time. I would literally don't make me sing this. I'm really glad that I saw. I'm really glad. Thank you, but your fingers are making the rad motion towards you.

I literally hate. Please sing. Please, please. Your teacher says make me sing. I literally hate Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please and I owe it all to food. It's a dirty incantation. Oh, that's beautiful. I love that. You're a lame voice. I feel like that lifted us all up a little bit. I don't feel very well.

Ooh, when you go in the corner. What? Just a day. Just a little while. Ooh, may I fetch you some water? No, get away, please, get away. I don't want to leave you in the state. This happened when the

fresh grave twins brought booze into the common room. Oh we know those rapskines. Yeah. There are pre-fakes. There's section leaders of Syncante. Well nobody's pre-facts but they're cool I guess. I'm so sorry I am not drunk. I have not been drinking on purpose. They do not say anything silly. I believe that your sin can'tation affected me somehow. I'm feeling quite ill. In fact, very ill when I look at Elroy. Oh, oh no. Oh, how could anybody look at me? I feel ill after looking at me. Yes, I am gorgeous. Who could have had that intention? I could anybody! I'm gorgeous! Who could have had that intention?

Oh, and Elroy's point is wandered everyone. Alright, listen up everyone. No. Put that stubby thing away. Fine. Are you the one that's been tearing up the paintings? What? No, I love art. We were told it wasn't ghost.

That's what I thought too. But then you got all, uh, pointy with your wand. Well, I'm worried. I'm sad. And I don't know why Winnie feels sick when she looks at me. So usually to fix situations, I point my wand. My dear, you've lived out an entire relationship all in one night. You should be happy.

Some people never attain even that. I've, I've seen sit down and be humble. I will, but is there anything you want to share? It's something, yeah, I feel like there's a weird, like someone been doing someone dirty. Are all teacher parties such emotional mind fields? I look forward to this every time it happens. I do not show emotion until these staff parties.

I really hesitate to see this, but you all are quite possibly my best friends. What? Put your wand away. I want to give you a gift. Here's for flowers! I will tell another truth without spinning a thing. I do believe, Erroy, that Manner is in love with you.

I hate to say it at a party, but it was getting a little boring. So, you're... there it is. You are. You're in love with me. Here we go. Subtext becomes text. Yeah, here we go. My dear. Here it is. My dearest Elroy.

She's writing a letter. She's come to my attention that you are a complete fraud. You are fraudulent in all things ex-happetain, the emotion, the keen, to laugh. Why is it a letter? I don't know, it is a letter. I think it's nice. People don't write letters. I literally hate drama.

I would hate to write this out. I would hate if anyone called a holder this. Right. So you think I'm a fraud? You think my bulk, eh? I think your class is fraudulent. And I think you use a triangle scheme to promote your material. What? Well, I thought we established that right from the get-go.

Oh, yes. But what's wrong with that, huh? Promoting your material. Yeah, doing young minds with only your point of view. Quite possibly nothing. Well, then I'd like to put every teacher on trial in the school. Good thing I'm not a teacher. I believe that's all they're doing, right?

Trying to mold their minds to one way of thinking. Are you saying it's a crime to have my students buy my book and then buy it in bulk and then try and recruit people to sell that book with them? It is not a crime. On a sales team? It is not a crime. You have your students buy the materials for class. It is a crime that you charge them so much per book. You could cut the sexual tension with a wand, aren't you? Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't sound like a crime.

So you think I'm a fraud and you think I am wrong. But do you love me? Does anybody love me? Yes, one of us here loves you. You're happy. Yes, I'd just like to know which one of you. I'll do it. Really? You love me? Well, dash it all, that's wonderful. Yeah, I love anyone who's a self-starter who lifts themselves up by the bootstraps and cons other people. That takes guts.

I'm too cats out of bag. Yeah, you all think I'm a con man. Oh, did I say con? I meant I am a con man Okay, good. Yeah, yes, well, I believe I'm going to have to wipe all your memories. Oh, no I'm afraid that will be possible For a can the wizard has made it impossible. And he would remember anyway because he's lived a thousand lifetimes. Dash it all. Yes. I'm afraid you've been outed and now is the time when you must resign and shame. Well, I'll kneel down to you, Mallory and to you.

Okay. I'll kneel down. We need to have forgotten her already. Here I have not. Let, well, I'll need that. We've forgotten her already. Here I have not. Let me take out the sort of shame. I have not forgotten you. I'm kneeling down before all of you. Goodbye. Goodbye, ladies. Okay, wait. Just before you go as you kneel down, I take out this sort of shame and night you Shamed. There you go. Thank you. Also before you go. Should we read some emails? Oh yeah. Thanks, you saw, yeah, we should read some emails. Of course you can email me at chantatgmail.com, that's chantless60s.

I have one here from Callie Norwich. She says, how long does it take to listen to all of Magic Tavern finally caught up? Read this on air, please. And again, I can't stress enough. If you ever write in the email, read this on air. We have to. What?

The Magic can bells us. So about two months and two days ago, I stumbled across this awesome podcast called Hello from the Magic Tavern. For any new listeners, it will take you two months and two days to finish all of it if you have a concussion and take a brief week detour to binge cereal. Thanks for the recommendation, yousadour. Just in case anyone was wondering how long it would take to catch up and if it's worth it.

Huh, that's wonderful. So she tells us how long it takes to catch up, but she didn't say if it was worth it. I noticed that too. Thanks, Kelly. Hmm. Or, need you have any emails? Well, I just like to say that it's always great to know how long it takes up when you are caught up.

You know, like, if you're listening to it now, you're listening to that when you've caught up. Right. And if there are more episodes later than this, it would be a different amount of time to get caught up. Right. And if there are more episodes later than this, it would be a different amount of time to get caught up. So basically this information is useless. Here, I do have an email at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. Hi, Arnie Chunt, Yusador, and insert guest name here. I hope you guys are doing well. I'm at the airport at the moment, and I'm like 10 minutes away from flying to Edinburgh to study there. I'm only 18 and I feel like I have the brain of a five-year-old.

I'm scared of being all alone. Same, same. You are not 18. I'm scared of being all alone in a foreign world. And Arnie, you have a lot of experience in that department. It's Professor Neckamp. So do you have any advice for me and Chant Yusador and insert guest name here your advice is appreciated to keep up the good work love always Salani more I think with a assemblage of teachers. We'd have some advice for people and sorry

I miss the last name. That's a more yeah, Yeah, that's a mori. Okay, thank you. Well, I'm not a teacher anymore, so I believe you two ladies should go on ahead, yes? Ah, here is what to do. You have written an email to someone you do not know very bravely, and in a new world you go up to someone you do not know very bravely introduce yourself with honesty and purity of heart and they will bring you into the fold uncertain of it. Absolutely I love that. Winnie's right start a conversation with someone and if you start a conversation and work in the words

read this on air they have to respond to you. Sure yeah. I believe that everyone has the opportunity to be a chanting queen. All you have to do for the first couple of moments is convince yourself that you are a chanting queen, young and sweet, only 18, and all you have to do is feel the beat of other people's hearts. Oh, yes, get to it. My advice would be, if you find yourself in a completely different world than the one you're used to is you know, just it's okay to take it a little slow and try to find one, maybe two friends and that's a great start. And then you start a podcast.

Mm-hmm. And I would say for my experience of traveling to Earth for a brief period of time, assume you already know how everything works. Confidence. I have one more email here. This is from Andres. Says, hey, did you guys forget that Yusidor is King of the Wizards? PS, love the show. What?

I didn't forget that I was King of the Wizards. You're King of the Wizards? That's right. Do you have a crown? Sure. They move. Oh. Hmm.

I didn't use being anymore. Why not? It was just outdated. How dare you. I know how to cast spells. Just saying if you use a spell, don't use being anymore. Do you notice when you use being how slow it is? Yes.

I often use being really. It is. Maybe. I mean, I don't cast magic, but it just seems like being how slow it is? Yes. I often use being really is. Oh, maybe. I mean, I don't cast magic, but it just seems like being is slow as magic. There's like 10 seconds between when you say it and when the magic happens. All right, fine.

Here I go. I shall cast myself a larger crown. Mozilla! Still pretty slow, man. We're better. Still pretty slow. I'm going to zero. Fine. What about that slow, man. We're not that's still pretty slow Better better better all right guys Wine what's going on with these three seriously? What's going on with these three?

There's clearly like some kind of, there's like some of them are in love with some of them. Oh, is this sort of party stand up? These two keep telling, the these two keep saying the other ones in love with the other one, but I don't know which one it is. Well, I'm resigning in disgrace. So before this night is over and I have to pack my bags and jump on a wagon

I was wondering if I though you still cared about me even though I'm unemployed Well, you do know that I love you, but I cannot say so publicly due to malice deep feelings for you We were 10 minutes ago when I had to take the fall on that dagger. I was sitting right there I was fear in your eyes. I'm sorry. Exiting the moon. Someone had to bring it up a few times. So you're saying that you both love him,

but you're trying to figure out which of you love said more. Because I wasn't sure if it was that, or if it was one of those things where like neither of you loved him and you were just trying to shove the other one towards him? I'm not going ahead and say it. I'm sick of sparing people's feelings around him. My friend, Elroy, I do think you're a fraud.

I thought you tried very hard at your job that you worked very little to achieve. So that being said, I didn't want to say it was my intention that you always be unemployed, but this does give me the opportunity Winnie darling. Yes, I've loved you in all your forms all these years watching you Whistfully watching you take on all the work Watching you take on everyone's feelings watching you Have a near panic attack every time that moon is waxing or waning

Well, I want you to know that I'm always going to be here for you always and it is not a fraudulent feeling that I am feeling at this time. Arnie it's so crazy these three friends in their messy complex interpersonal relationships isn't that fucking bonkers? I've already said no, Chunun. Are we like this? No Arnie, I just want to take this opportunity to say I've loved you in all your forms. Look, I put on some weight over the years It's fine. You said that not me. I know it's true. Don't email me people and I of course must resign in disgrace From being king of the wizards. Why? What triangle scheme did you have? Nothing, I'm just trying to make the parallel happen here.

Right. Yeah, I'm a bit of a witty, Arnie. You're a bit of a... Mallory? Mallory. And you said, or it's a one-to-one with Elroy. Oh, I was thought I was a Samantha. Mallory, I choose you.

Oh. Oh, yeah, it's right at the table, that's quick. So, if I tried to propose marriage of some kind, you would be a no. Elroy, do you know what I like to do? What? To inspire happy thoughts? Yes, what? What I like to do to inspire happy thoughts is read self-help books. Hmm.

I say the demons of my mind. So you did read it. Just the title. Ooh. Well, damn the fruits turn to meat. You know what I'm saying. If you realize. It's meat around here. Meat.

Meat. Well, I'm going to close my eyes in visionotopia or amaze and start just taking out my sword and slaying those demons in my mind. Yeah, that's what I appreciate about you. You would do anything for love. I would. And here's 600 gold pieces for the down payment on your next book.

Ah, ha, ha, ha! Thank you! You're believing me! Yes, of course. And I want to read that book. It'll be about dragons. Wow, Arnie looks like everyone had a happy ending. So spin that dead-known...

Let's go back to bed. Why is that... Well, that should up our chances of passing the Bechtel test at least once in a while. Use it otherwise it was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Miss Weatherware was played by Sarah Mobley. Professor Elroy Tobelstar was played by Jesse Grace Mueller. Mallory McNoboff was played by Squeak Rangel.

All three of our special guests perform with Improvised Jane Austin. Tuesdays at 8pm at IOS Mission Theatre in Chicago. Visit ImprovisedJaneAustin.com for more info. Also, Jesse performs with the Improv Collective Outer to Wim in Improvised Dungeons & Dragons at Otherworld Theatre. Squeak performs with the indie team poster child. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Abel Rafay. Post-production co-ordination by Garicheltz.

Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Special assistance by Riley DeGiorno. Sorry, Ryan DeGiorgy. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adler LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Now, while you enjoy this preview of spin-tax with guest star Brad Morris,

I'll think about why they scrunchy I found in the break room is so familiar. Almost like the kind worn by... What's up dramatic tension for my unfinished thought? Here's the clip. Does anyone have a dollar bill? Hmm, I'm kind of more of a cron, sort of digital payment.

Let me see. Oh, here you go. Oh, great. So, look on the back. Okay. And we see the pyramid. Mm-hmm. The all-seeing eye.

Uh-huh. Focus your eyes on it, Sal. Oh, great. Just as you know, look at the dollar bill, Salma Gandhi. Oh. Oh, good. Yes. All right, focus on it.

As I incant, incanard, incanada, ancillori kanda bing. Oh, but, whoa, whoa! You could have said, look at this dollar, because I'm going to transport us somewhere. somewhere.