Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 23 - Hog (w/ Clint McElroy)

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

A small town pig-sherrif-man shakes down the boys.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBloviation Jones: Clint McElroyLincoln: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Greetings, nondescript masses. It's a new year the rules have changed and one of our main characters is trapped in an exotic beverage container. Your thinking isn't that the same as the big season 3 opener of broad church? Yes, as they say there are no new ideas. A quick update about our live shows, which I'm told we're really going through with. The January 12th show in Atlanta is sold out, but tickets remain for January 13th in Charlotte, January 15th in Portland, January 16th in Seattle, and January 17th in San Francisco.

For links and info to buy tickets, visit hellofromthemagictavern.com and hit the live shows tab. And now, before you give up on us once and for all, and who can blame you, why not give us one more try? Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne and he camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know about four and three-quarters years ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a birkeying in Chicago into the magical land of fune luckily I'm still getting a white break you're doing great buddy thank you thank you I love you too but I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the

birkeying that I use uploaded podcast I record chronicling our quest to defeat the dark black babies also small detail Necromancer stabbed me in the chest with a sword Yeah, you soar froze my body in time because it's a kind of magic. You can't take the sword out So my body is on the edge of dying But my essence has been flung into this charming teaky mug and you know what flung seems a little derogatory Oh, all right. Well, my ass is dead. But I will say my body on the edge of dying is a beautiful song lyric.

Oh, thank you. I love my friend and I support him. I love you too, buddy. I gotta say, I don't know if it's the fact that I've been through a near tragedy or the fact that I'm full-rum, but you're really. I'd say it's a full-on tragedy. If I might, getting stabbed through the chest

with a magical sword is a full tragedy. It's not a near-tragedy. But you're still here with us. Fighting on. As all good souls must do. They must take up arms to defeat the Dark Lord. I, each and every one of us, must play our part in this grand scheme. Now you should always try to get a good song where it can.

John, how is your song writing? Oh, the back fence? Oh that reminds me I've been getting into Jethro toll yes me too yeah ever since we met you know the road yeah It's interesting. You think back on earth that Ian Anderson ever told anybody that he ran into us in his dream walks I have to imagine I I will respectfully disagree well anyway. Yeah, we got to talk about what's going on since last week We've been traveling out of the swamps and we are here the deviated scepter the tavern the deviated scepter Yeah, it's based on a magical scepter who is a pervert. Oh Real deviant. Oh, wait. So is it the deviant scepter or the deviated scepter? No deviated scepter. Oh, real deviant? Oh, wait, so is it the deviant ceptor or the deviant ceptor? No, deviant ceptor.

Oh, okay. I guess, for us being as the boards, I don't know what deviant it means. Not meant to be a deviant, but, no. Fine, I made it up. I don't know why it's called the deviant it's a deviant. Oh, it means it means separated. Oh, okay. It means split in two.

Okay. Oh, so it's a ceptor that got maybe a king lost his rule. The ceptor was split in twain. Yeah, man. I'm sorry, split in Clemens. What? That's its king. Ah, I missed Tika, but I love Arnie. You know Arnie, at some point we may have to go back

to Gisilnav, I left Iggy Baby at the school. Yeah, and I've got a whole class that I gave some homework to, and I haven't been to office hours in weeks and weeks. Oh, that's a shame. I think that's not even counting the weeks and weeks I missed office hours when I was at Gisborne I'm sure they'll be fine, but at some point we we may want to circle back I've also talked to the school I talked to can about maybe shipping or mailing eggie baby to me. What's up? He's great camera wizard. Yeah, he's

You don't okay buddy. No, but I guess I didn't realize eggie baby is still a Gisborne Eggie babies enrolled it put on the sorting pants and got put in chirping birds, so Aggie Baby's taking classes. How you doing, bud? I know I've been going through a lot, so that maybe has made me think about myself too much. It's kind of a lot to be like, I am a Tiki mug,

but I don't want to neglect that you're separated from your neighborhood. Sure, everybody has raw fucked, right? We all have problems. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard. Not a pretty good. You're separated from your ever-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating-eating The Library of What? Meridanth. The Library of Meridanth. Yes, really? You should let me name more places. They've been the Library of Meridan. Uh-huh. We shall find perhaps a cure for your current condition,

and we'll be able to decipher these pages we've gathered from the Book of Sight, getting us one step closer to defeating the Dark Lord of Foon. Such a nice song lyrics. Not gonna happen. Sorry. But, Houston Art, the page we got from Drift Bank, the one that a new word appears every day or week.

I don't remember. Have there been any new words or glyphs or rings that have appeared? Every third night when the moon is in its waning or waxing cycle. It tells of one more room and the most recent room is... Corn on the cob. Does it mean Corn on the cob or is the symbol sort of look...

Will, on its own, yes that room means Corn on the cob, but we tweaked all the other rooms, which have not yet all revealed themselves. The true meaning may still be learned. And that's why we have to go to the Library of Meridence so we can decipher all the rooms together and then see how the corn, the corn cob fits into it. We have to see how the corn cob fits in there. It's a simple task. Guys, I'm just going gonna come out and say it. I think we've done a good job doing the serialized part of the episode.

Let's move to the episodic! Hold on, hold on! We can't get to the library of Meridan without getting across the bridge here. Well funny you should mention that, I actually was talking to the bartender, who's a wonderful person who's just a floating set of teeth. That's what that is? Yeah, that's the bartender, and it told me that, because I was asking around for a guest, they said the only guest that we could have on,

we didn't have a choice, was that the gentleman over there at the bar. I'm so sad. Chatters? You talking about chatters? Oh, you know chatters? The bartender chatters? The bartender that's just teeth.

I imagine that. That's chatters. That checks out. Can I ask, and I don't know if this is an appropriate question to ask, the bartender that's just teeth What does it's voice sound like? To be fair is asking for your best chatters impression? I kind of like that. Yes, extremely sexy. We're gonna have her. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah

Yeah, every time chatters open its teeth. I was just rock hard just like oh fucking Why is everything about this place sexual to you guys? I don't see it really well David to be scepter to be fair to dogs Chunts to be fair what? Two dogs they'll make it right come on. He is a teaky mug right now. Yeah to be fair You're a teaky bug. You don't really have any any drive, right? You're still having fire in your belly, right? It's full of so much sugar. Yeah, so you're probably seeing.

More than usual. Sleepy and a little, you know. If I wasn't diabetic before, I am now. Okay, but so I'm so sorry. Moving into the sort of melding of the serialized meets episodic part of this episode. I've taken a little shadadener at scoffs. Are you casting a spell? What's happening? I think he's trying to gesticulate, but he's a teakie.

I can't. I have a little bit of a problem. I have a little problem. You know me, I'm so expressive with my hands and my face, but I'm really just a teakie mug. Well, I've always said you're the most physical a podcast or I've ever met. Oh, yeah, you on a stage is just like, yeah, visual dynamite. I'm the baritone cough of improvised podcasts. Anyway, so we got to get this past to go over this bridge. We have to talk to this guy. We have to have this guy.

Who did Chatters tell you to talk to the gentleman at the bar? I think his name is Mr. Jones or Shiref Jones Can one of you try to talk him into coming over here? Yes, so we could talk to him also just out of due diligence and we're not as good about doing this as we probably should be We should let him know we're recording him Well, I think he's actually designed any kind of really of. Well, I think he's actually... I'm gonna get him to sign any kind of relief. Of course, of course. I think he's actually been listening this whole time, so...

I don't think we have to get up to get him. Oh, I have it! I have not been listening! Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, we'll go get him. Oh, it's good news. What? I thought he's listening.

I thought he's listening. I just want you to know, I want to listen! I feel so rude now. Don't judge what you go. Yep, let me go get him. Well, Chant goes to get to, I guess, these pages from the book of sight. I should hold on to them. You can't have them You're never going to get it never going to get it Never going to get it. I brought our guest up. I'm trying to stop trying to make Staler sample

Brother guest here. This is Shyref Belmation Jones. How y'all doing? This is Shyref, a blowviation Jones. A blowviation Jones. How y'all doing? Oh, good. Listen, let me get one of the fellows to fill that Tiki mug for you. Oh, that's our friend. Hey, y'all.

Larry! We need a Tiki mug fail. I'm all seven. Hey, I'm so sorry. You may not have noticed this. I'm a talking Tiki mug. Holy shit. I know.

Oh, wow. When did we all for talking Tiki Mugs, Larry? We brought her out. We brought her out. I talked to Larry, taking mugs, Larry? We brought our own. I talked to Larry, the saber guy, and I told him our friend is a TKM, so please stop. So I'm talking to Chatter. But in that, he lies to his TKM. I'm so sorry.

That's a ball of jazz. You have to. I don't know what they are. Ron, man. And I saw there is a sign outside that says no outside drinks, but I didn't really. Well, you got your drink on the of the way. Oh, that's right I mean like you want to be technical about it now. How can I help you fellas? Why can you do for me?

Well, I'm recording all of you were saying right now. Oh, oh, it's alright Um, I guess if I asked you not to gonna put the kibalsh on whatever the hell it is you're doing here, right? Oh well we would gladly as you said put to the kibosh on things if we were allowed Passage over the bridge. Yes. See we are on the our way to the library of meridians. Oh, yeah That's nice and we don't want to walk we don't want to rock the kibosh. No, no don't rock the kibosh rock the kibosh understand Oh, well see just think that you get to eat. Yeah. Now, we have a magical jukebox.

How does that work? You put a gold coin into it? You put a gold coin into it. The gold coin turns into a quarter. And a quarter of what? A quarter of an end, a quarter of a gold piece. Now, I get a three-quarter profit and then the other quarter goes in there and then the goal piece turns into a

magical black disc and music comes out. It's something beautiful. The guy came in and said, give it a try. Sure. We moved the shuffleboard table over just to put that magical jukebox in there. What, and I'm so sorry. I know we have much more important things to talk about. What are some of the more popular songs that you can play on the jukebox? Oh, we've got a bridge over troubled water. Okay. Now, not waters, water, singular. It's singular.

Oh, wow. Just, it's so hard for me to get my bearings in this strange world. Well, and that's the bridge that you all want to cross. Yeah, it's over troubled water, so we need the bridge because we can't walk or swim. That's actually they love the river. Yeah Here's the thing behind me I'm a Tiki mug my real body is dying frozen in time under the shit where it was grooming

So if we if we need to go over this bridge over troubled water, you have a dead body Yeah, right here in the D.B. My other body is a dead Arning. Not dead. Frozen in time. I say, here, look under this sheet. Hell! I look good. Hey, you know that? That's a nice looking fell, I think.

Thank you, Shireen. I like the sword in it. Chess, that's a different kind of ornament choice. It's a choice. It is. Yeah, it's like a big piercing. It's not, I got to, yeah. Not intentional, but I...

So, how long has he been skewered? Three weeks. Three weeks. I know, three weeks. Three weeks. We froze him in time, then we transferred his essence into this teaky cup, and then we spent some time getting him acclimated to life again. So it's been three weeks, but I'm frozen in time.

It's like the longest, shortest time. So you brought a dead body into my business. I yes, and I know that there's a sign. Yeah, there's a sign that said no dead bodies This is a dying body. He's he's mostly that That's a probably a violation of you know what I'll throw it outside Throw it outside. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm doing my best. Good God. That fella's had no idea. Landscape and horticulture Yeah, you know the phrase never let a guy covered in birch shit work on your lawn. Yeah That he started that He's trying to get all of them and you've got prawns in low places. Oh my god

You are the corn you're sneaky mug every man my last. Love you should let me get you a drink I said just throw up your mouth a little bit. I got a rinse that one out a little bit there. How's that coming over there? I fell down. Oh, sorry. Well, so anyway, you all want to go the library? Yes, it is right? Which means you want to cross the bridge? Yeah, go over the. Go over the troubled water. I imagine it's a pretty straightforward thing to get a pet. No it's really not. It's very, it's really complicated. See here's the thing here's the thing fellas. You are here in the fiefdom of festoon which is a subsidiary of the Foon Realm and I am the chyrif of this particular fiefdom so you know whatever you want to happen we can make happen but I say we but it's me okay well we are willing to owe you one do you know what? Hey, we're on though you two. Yeah. Oh, if you give us a river pass today, we will happily pay you a favor on Tuesday.

I see. So you're going with the Wimpy Gambit. I know it's a little weak. I know it's a little weak. No, no, it's that I understand. That's how things get done here in festoon camp. Okay. So what you're looking for is you are a Talking bad talking badger. Yeah talking badger. You are a talking Teaky, I guess it's more complicated You are a talking gardener Wonderful powerful was it the greatest that has ever been so wonderful in fact that I'm palm is now completely covered in bacon fat. Theinevigreen is now greased in olio

and thine rose be covered in chicken drippings. Oh, all that bacon fat has made it that fron burgundy. I'm like, I'm gonna go kiss my son. My son are falling off and you got a frond in me. Hmm, why do you, why do you, guys? I think we're pissing off Bluebeach. Yeah, I mean, I've got you never-

Six violations so far. Keep it that big boy. Wait, hold on, hold on, we're piling up violations. Yeah, I'm afraid you're. Okay, so, and you are a- Which wizard are you? I am Yusador the Blue. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius.

Master of Light and Shadow. Minipulator of Magical the Lights. Devourer of Chaos. Champion of the Great Halls of Turracus. Known to the elves as fying elic, known to the dwarves as Zodyn and Huk Stenges, and I am also known in the northeast as Gaspmwenius Mastar, and there may be other many secret names that I shall now utter. Well there, that's a problem.

Oh, yeah, another problem. Another violation? That's like eight titles. Oh. And here in Festing County, you have. That's like eight titles. Oh. And here in Fisting County, you have to have titles for your titles. Oh. I have to have titles for my titles. I have to have titles for your titles.

You have to have titles for your titles. Now, fortunately for you, I am the titleist of Fisting County. So I can actually title your titles. Look at those details. Well, if thou ought a titleist, then I shall cast a spell and put the in a sand trap I like it Unfortunately, that's a violation Seems resistant to my spell I tell you what longer look past all the violations of time. Thank you

I am good and you're talking badger straight Straight up talking badger. With that magical. Delicence. Uh, uh... Does he qualify as a pet? I've had my shots. No, no, no, no. I'm in the two shots when I get into the bar. So I've had my shots. No, he's a shapeshifter. So he's his own creature.

Now Arnold is a man from Earth. So yes, he's more like my pet. What? He's a man from the planet Earth. I'm from another world. Oh! So, it's an immigration issue. Uh-oh. Oh, no. No.

No. I'll tell you what, fellas. Listen, you all have nice... Well, you all have faces. And, uh... Wait, what happened? I would like to see you. What happened?

Thank you. I believe that reading is fundamental. So I think what I'd like to do, I'll give you a chance to get to library. For one thing, I have to say library. Is there somebody in particular you're looking for there? Or is there a couple of things? Do some of read as well.

And mostly we're interested in finding some way to cure our friend here. Put him out of the teaky cup and back into his body and then I'm gonna look up some pages from the book of cycle. You have some dark Lord stuff, I think the dark Lord. Yeah, just, you know, just defeating the dark Lord for the rest of all time. For all quest, saving all of them. For all time? Well, you're gonna find the ASI, like, to, you know, find the end of cycle of evil.

Yeah, sure. Well, here's a thing. See, festoon has kind of a nice independent situation. Oh, no. We stuff on into a situation. We're, we got situations all over the place right here. And, you know, we don't necessarily want to cheese off the dark old.

Oh, no, no, no, everyone It's better than he's gone. Yeah, better be cheese on So you know everything is better with cheese on it. Wow Fourth t-shirt I think If we can do it completely undercover if you guys can keep a low profile I think we can get you car separate. I am well known for keeping a low profile at all times.

Yeah, there is no where I go where I do not disappear into shadow. For if I do so decide to be invisible, none shall see me. None shall know I am presently. Yeah, that's all well and good, but we also are traveling with a Tiki Mug who's dragging behind him a corpse step through with a sword covered in a blanket make a pretty good song though So far. Yeah, you guys you're like Simone and Garfin. They wrote bridge over troubled water. Oh, I prefer Simone in tune, but they're good too Amuna namada that's why That's why I always say.

What is that expression? Amuna manana? Yeah. That means making up bullshit when nobody else is waiting to tell you what you're saying. Oh my gosh, I finally found a catchphrase that really speaks to you. Guys, it seems like this chiroff is used to bullshit around with three middle aged men.

Oh. Yeah, I guess you could say that. Used to? Hmm. I don't know. All right, Oh! Yeah! I guess you could say that. Used to? Hmm. I don't know. All right, so anyway, I'll get you cross bridge, but maybe, and you may want to talk about this amongst yourself.

Okay. All right. Now, maybe you would do a little favor for me. A little tip for tat. Yeah, or that too? What sort of favor? How about this place is sexual to a huge child? When I say tip for tat, I I immediately picture tits on a rat.

Oh, I'm rock hard. Shyrith, what sort of favor do you demand of us? All right, there is this giant rat. Oh no. With a huge rat. Here we go, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And a weapon?

He's a tattoo artist. And if you notice here, let me show you up our arm where it says, oh, smother instead of mother. Oh, he did that. And I didn't want smother. I don't want you to miss, you can see what conception you wanted mother. I wanted mother. So you want us now. I want you to kill him. See that's nice. Wait, what? We have to kill TITRAT? I want you to kill TITRAT, TITRAT. Oh, I got it. TITRAT, what if I got a tattoo that said, Mother and We Could Be Mother's Brothers?

I like that for all your references so far. That's my favorite. Ooh, no violation. It's semi-violating. Same over here. No, I think if you kill the tit rat for me, now this is where it gets complicated. The tit rat is.

Yeah, so far it's a pretty easy job. The tit rat is actually my brother-in-law. Oh. This has been a real problem for me because as you can tell, I am a wearhawk. So I look like a big old haul. Yes, I'm glad you said it because I didn't know a good way to bring it up.

Oh, listen, my name's Bloviation. I mean, I know what I am. That's a big name. Yeah, Bloviation Jones. And I just felt like our listeners would love to know that you're a giant hog, but I couldn't know how to say it. Well, I mean, I am, but every full moon, I turn into Don Nots. So it's a very strange combination. So I want

thank God I don't want to month. I'm walking around going, gosh, Andy. I don't know where they'll get them from. Oh, Sheriff, that's a sheriff. Of course I did that subconsciously. Yeah, I killed a big rat. Right, right, right. And I'll see what I can do. I got some paperwork. You know what? I don't know. I'm a little worried about this Don Noth. Let's not take the bridge. Let's take the convict's way. Let's just go take the Conway. I know we'll have some trouble with the temple. No, Arnie, we can't take the Conway. That's where Don Noth resides. Oh.

You see, he leads a gang. He's a Don. Uh-huh. And he ties a rope and he'll hang you in that rope if you try and cross him. Oh no. Don Noth's is not to be fucked with. So, just the taking mug. He ties a rope and he'll hang you in that rope if you try and cross him. I don't know. Don't nots is not to be fucked up. So, just the teaky muck. Y'all do that.

Blue Asian can I ask you? Do you like to like roll around in mud? Are you speaking metaphorically? First, literally, but then metaphorically. Yeah, I do. I do. When I was a little south, I was a mud wrestler. And that's actually how my sister met my brother.

He was, okay, so let me tell you the whole story. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's settled down to hear the whole story. Would you like a drink, blow the Asian? You could drink out of it. No, I am gonna cough, hold on. Okay, so here's the deal. My wife when I was quarter.

Got to bite my tongue. I was in on a farm and there was a spider. And this spider helped me out. The spider knew that I lived for my sweet Francine. And then turned out that he was going to. Well, you know what they do to pigs. that I lived for my sweet Francine. And then turn out that he's gonna know. Well, you know what they do to pig? Cause it looks like on him. You know what else they do to pig?

Slice or the? Slice or the? Bacon, ham, sausage. Delicious. Thank you. It's a family trade. Anyway, this spider felt tar for me and started writing words in her webs up there.

Some hawk. You know, I was, yeah, and so it was going pretty good until Templeton, the rack. Oh. And Rad has us out, and I think that's probably appropriate enough. Yeah. And that's, he ended up falling in love with my sister, actually my sister fell in love with him.

It is all very awful. But they got married and you know, he left the farm and took up tattoo and and now I'm sick death and some bitch and put some other on arm. That's terrible. Wait, you know, you're telling your story. I feel like I've heard of you. You used to be a mud wrestler. Yeah.

Are you the pig show? I forgot to tell of your... Guilty as Charm. What do you like, 72? Well, it's the pig show. You've ever heard of the pig show? I mean, I respect the art form. I still know that much about it. Used to be Saturday night. Wow. You're a legend.

Thank you. It's an honor to meet you. And I would be honored to kill that titrat. Get out. Yeah. Get out. Yeah. How about you, Lucy Doherr? You said I would gladly take this quest on for thee. But I ask only that you allow us passage to the library. Yes, the library. And that you give us an autograph.

Would you be so kind? Well, let's get some autographs and maybe we went on the bottom of Arnie's mug. Oh'll take a break but we're not gonna break Arnie and we'll be right back with more podcasts from the DVD. It's up to more talking Tico. Here's the situation. Okay. Thing we just killed titrash. Why do you want such a rush? Hmm a rush. Okay so we just killed Titrash. Had that go down. I'm really kind of curious. Set the scene for me. Wait hold on! John you killed the rat already.

Yeah you know what I said I was going to the bathroom. Yeah. I ran next door to the tattoo parlor and let me paint a picture. Yeah do that. Pain or a picture. Okay. Oh. Blue Over here some happy clown Are you out of your blue without his permission? Oh, is that okay? You start. Can I use blue without your permission? Of course it helps me for people to pay homage to my color Let me just draw a nice nice gentle tip with a huge wrap on what are you drawing? It's a rat a huge round behind. What are you drawing there? I'm just a little bit off. A huge rat with nice gentle tits. Were you in my restroom earlier?

Did you paint them? Because there was a draw and look just like it. I did and then I put a Yusidora's name on next to it. For a good time. I'm going to call these herbs and have a positive up with the break. Frank, how did you accomplish all these things? Hold on, I was getting a drink from the bar when we came back from break.

What is this picture you're drawing? I wouldn't depend on picture of how I killed titrat, but I killed titrat What? Well, I killed a rat with tit Francy oh no way no, no, no, no, she has kind of a ratty I might have been used to tell you said that with love though like it really that sound like I can tell you said that with love though like it really that sounds like Oh, I never mind that well, it's the way I'd killed titrat was he was in his tattoo chair Fast asleep and I turned him over and I poured poison into his asshole And I gotta tell you he tampled in the titrat never sits in his own chair

Shit because he got like an infestation yeah issue you may have killed, you may have killed only his customers. He does pretty heavy road trade. What are some of the other known rats in town? Older's biggy rat. There's itchy brother. I think I know where I killed. I think I killed Liberacci. Liberacci. Which is a rat that this rat looked just like him. Oh. Liberacci. And so I think I just killed. Shit.

Well, it's alright because I think I killed the real titrat. I went down to the temporary tattoo parlor and I said, tell me your name and he said my name is Brat Pitt. And I said, no, you're not your titrat. And I killed him with a fireball. You sure his name wasn't rat pit shit If you say it was brats man you got this is like you're just a mowing down the rap population I still don't think that was tit rat. Damn it and

Unfortunately, I am a tiki mug. They can't move so no rule of three is on this one I'd say carry your own weight, but you're a 22 ounce of it. So you're carrying it pretty well Ah shit, do you think you would have killed a rat during the break if you were still in human form? You know, I don't either Probably not. I probably would have accidentally killed like I would kill like a a rittat Well, I'm off to kill a rat like He figures out what he's going to say. But wait, wait, you should or, blow vision.

We have blow vision here. Who knows tit rat better than blow vision. Blow vision wants you to help help let us know some weaknesses or where to find this tit rat. Okay, now here's, you know how hard rats are to kill. I mean, the poison up the ass. That's pretty smooth. I didn't say it was up the ass.

Oh, I see. Wait, where? A lot of it trickled out. This is like I caught my sutra kind of thing. I'm so sorry to focus on this, but, Chant, why? You know, poison in the ass. The worst way to die.

I mean, sure. Well, I think being killed by a ram with poison up up a task of our own being even worse. Here, I know how I shall kill the next rat. I shall take this rope, and I shall tie it into many knots, and then, I disguised as you, blowviation by, donning these knots. I shall go forth and find titrat, and kill him once and for all. I love the whole thing you got going for you. I love that coming back to me.

I don't remember where that goes. Bujade. I love that Bujade. Thank you. Thank you. But you know what, now I'm thinking about you. You fellers probably mowed down enough of the rat population.

Oh, so we could go to the library now? Yeah, we sent a message to Routes probably going hiding. Right? Well, I'll tell you what, here's what we got there. If you don't mind, I would like to put you up on the wall of thing, the rat kill and wall of thing that we have here. Everybody that kills two rats gets to go up there, either that or eat the giant rat burger, and I wouldn't put anybody through that. Because ever since a health inspector came through the way it's been buddly.

You let my skate charters draw you. All right. And then put you on the wall. I'll give you the pass to the library. That'll get you across the bridge and you can go on your merry way and do your skulking around stealing pages out of a book. That sounds a little underhanded to me, but I would know.

And I'll let you go. I'll let you do that. All right, may I confer with my friends for one moment about this? Yeah, I'll go over here. Ah! Wow! Do you think that the kitchen where they make

those rat burgers was infested with rats? Oh, I feel sick. Is that a problem? It seems like you just have more rat burgers was infested with rats? Oh, I feel sick. Is that a problem? It seems like you just have more rat burgers. Right! Oh, I'm looking in the kitchen and all the chefs, their hats are kind of moving like there's a little creature underneath directing them where to go. Oh no.

Oh, and I ate the mouse to two. You ate the mouse to two? Yeah. Oh, I feel fucking sick. Oh, I ate the sick Night the Brad Bird Also, let's go ahead and put our faces on this wall and get the past Pretty straight forward pretty nice I mostly wanted to tell you guys aside to talk about the

Investigation yeah, I mean all the pictures on the wall have X's rise. So that's kind of a fun twist But yeah, let's Get your confab Are y'all talked up? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so we're back. Funny how you came over, uh, we didn't call for him. Were you listening? I got a course out of it. I thought we established that earlier in the podcast.

Or whatever this thing is that you're doing. And Shira, can I ask, what are some of your Shira responsibilities? Well, let's see. Arnie, do you mind asking him in his language? Yeah, ask me my language. Oh, oh, Shiger from, if I'm a a-ish. Whoops.

I'm not the Beverly. Yes, he's some of your, were speaks of Berylida. What a tale, he says. I think he means responsibilities. Are there some of your responsibilities? I'm sorry, I was trying to remind to do my best chatter some pressure.

Well, what we have here is failure to communicate. Let's see, I am in charge of titling. I'm the title list. Which check, right there. Yeah. License of pets and other humans, okay, transformed in animal licenses check. I'm a licensed. I also am in charge of extermination,

keeping the right population down so you guys kind of help me with exterminationist and shake down others. Oh, I don't think I'm supposed to have admitted that last. See, I'm gonna give you your pass. Uh-huh. But there is a bridge told. Oh, that's different. That's separate from the past. Separate from the past. Did he mean to say bridge troll and we just can't understand his accent? There's a, let me try and talk to him. Yeah. Blow Asian, what you're trying to say here is there's a bridge troll. Now, see you get it. You speak my language. And because of that, I coming to cut the troll toe down. Mm-hmm. I'll tell you what yeah We'll make it six goal pieces. Oh six goal pieces that fire than her and a frog leg. Oh

Sandin down the split four ways. I like this fella. I want you to stay. I'm I don't want you to stay. I'm a... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Here's the thing, I need an enforcer. The right thing is pretty constant. Man, I gotta tell you, whether it was the right, right or not, you killed a shit out of somebody in that tent for me. That's right.

So, I'll tell you what, you stay here and I'll wave the toll, your buddy here, and your... Because here's the thing, the passes for three. Right. Oh, and Tiki mug our knees body and then Magic boy So you stay here and work for me that you'll be up to here in rats and you know I don't know you'd be really excited about that. I mean I'll be excited as I'll get out but aren't I'm scared?

We can't spits out the potty. Is that a bad thing blitting up a party? Yes. Well splitting checks is a bad thing but we're a part of you for. Well wait you're the one's dragging it dead almost dead body around so I guess you've got to make some choices. I'm gonna go back over here and check on these taps and secretly listen to y'all so you talk to me. Arnie I think you have to sleep with them. What? I think that's what he's getting at. Not sure I told the table. Now he doesn't, he wants it in a bed. Now he says this rat situation has been constant and ongoing. Does that mean that they all end up married to his sister?

Yeah, and what, what are they all have to do? I don't know. I think this guy is giving rats present plants, putting them off on his daughter Than sister sister and then having them kill By the way, you're up to seven gold just on your tab what here I I only have I only have a hundred gold pieces right now. Hmm. Let's see Seven for the tab. There's six to get across the bridge.

That's a hundred. Okay. A hundred gold. Yep, that sounds about right. So, are you staying bad, your boy or what? Oh, what are you, what should I do? Look, I thought something would come to me. Lay, lay, hold on.

Well, Larry, oh, yeah, really? It's like, murals before me. Oh. Well, Larry. Oh, here. Really? It's like, murals before swine. Purls before twer- We're out of, oh, okay. All right, let me offer you another deal. Okay.

But I just paid the hundred gold. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, What would you do if maybe three feet in front of you on the table here? I set down some pearls Hmm I do I do that pearls It's well known that pigs love pearls Swine love these happier than he would be if I don't know if he was like a big pile of shit Yeah, oh man, and it can truly be said this is the first time in this episode We have put pearls before swine. Oh, absolutely. You know this makes me want to take my ear off and turn it into a silk purse Just cuz I'm getting in the mood

I'll tell you what here's a deal. I'll take the pearls. I give you back your hundred gold Because this is worth I am gonna look I give you back your hundred gold Because this is worth, oh I am gonna look like getting shit Oh, that's very good. Put around is that but I will make the pass for all four y'all But I just found out somebody ordered a Harvey Wallbanger of the bar We're all out at 22 ounce tumblers, and that's the size of our Harvey Wallbangers if you let this gentleman over here Okay, the orc drink. If you let this gentleman over here, that orc drink that, if you let the orc,

he's from Mork, the Morkswomp. It's right here. Morkswomp, okay. If you let him drink a Harvard Wall Banger out of you, soon as he's done and he's pretty, he calls him that pretty fan. Sure. Hell, I'll let all four of you across a dead gumbry.

Let us confer for one moment. Sure I'll go over here and not listen to you. Oh, yeah. This is the perfect opportunity by Fortune's Chance. Thou has been transformed into a 22 ounce bitch and now you can save the potty. Um, okay, so I just have to let this work drink out of you. Or drink out of me. But you are literally made for this your little ceramic 22 ounce

Bitch, this is your opportunity to do something helpful. You just have to agree to it No, I think you just take it on the chin No, I think you just take it on the chin. Okay, uh... You're not in dribble-teaky mug, Banny Chan, sorry. No, no. Because that orc would kick all four of our asses. I'm sorry. All five.

No, he's good. Look, Arnold, how can I be seated to take this one for the team? Look, here's the thing. I'm a mug. I like people to drink out of me yet. That's what the fuck is the bride? Everyone's coming at me so hard like I should not want it to happen. Bernie, I feel like Mr. Jones and me have been very strict.

Me and Mr. Jones. We got a thing going on. This rapport is, I feel like it's a one to one. It's not fair. I feel like it's a one to one. Yeah. It's not fair. I feel like he's being very kind. He is letting us get away with just you being drunk. Yeah. Now, I've been 22 months.

The most episode. I know. That's what I'm saying. It's not unusual for you to be drunk. Yeah. So, 22 months bitch, get drunk. Yeah. Yeah.

And don't let him end your mind for a second. He's got a pretty aglip fungus. We ain't identified yet It'll be okay, cuz you're what ceramic. That sounds real specific Oh Hey, he's the orc from Mark. Oh, he's but Arnie. he's got DSL's, deviated, septor lips. Oh, wow. Kind of split down the middle. Sort of, it's a bit old. Sort of a bit of place. So this is, this is our boy here. What do you think,

Arnie? Look, he can drink for me or his son can. It can be orc orson. I mean, I'm fine with either. We're that you're playing the Orc or Sun card. I'm former. Nananan. Yeah. Very well then, you don't drink at you.

Oh, here's the thing. I was totally into it, but is it just me or does his accent dramatically change? Did it? I think so. Yeah, I think it changed. So I didn't bring it up in the initial discussion. You just said I've got a DVA lip, so it changed why I didn't bring it up in the initial discussion. I said I've got a DVA

Lip so that's why I can't speak What is he speaking? Covered in what you please let him drink his Harvard wall banger out of you. Yeah, here's a thing Yeah, really keeps trying to get on the end to it Nothing also like look this body under the sheet behind me. That's me. Oh, you oughta see it. This is like a rental car. Show him, show him, show him.

Yeah, look at this body. Oh, that's ya, it's gusty. No, it's handsome. Yes, nasty. I'm gonna drink at you. Why are you pointing at the body? Yeah. Arnie, Arnie, dump some of your drink in your own asshole. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, your own asshole. No, no, no, no, no. Is it poison?

You got a thing about assholes, don't you? You're too, you're just catching on to the next. That's the name of your spin off. I've got a thing about assholes. Also, Arnie, real quick, fifth shirt. My other car is a dead Arnie. Oh, we gotta do it, we gotta. Okay.

Now, Arnie, just here, can I pass you over to you? Sure, cap drink. Buddy, uh, honey. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, hold me up away from the microphone for too long. I like to be on mic as much as possible Okay, thanks I realized by talking I'm prolonging the amount of time Exactly right, right, which is its own irony. Yeah, and believe you what we're gonna cheers to I had a really filthy one My father taught me. I love it. We better hear it. But while he was talking, I decided new.

Oh. Bluebeach, given the 100 gold. Right here, here's 100 gold. We got to hear this toast. Oh, god. I love it. Just block it right up to the floor in my part. Ah.

And the first part is the filthy part. Like the first word. Ah. How many points? No, candy that's the first part is the field part. Like the first word? Uh, how many points did he do that? Here's at the source. Can you walk it through? Oh, right there. There's a lot of things. This one's upper body.

I think it's something. He's been holding me up for a long time. Here's to all the lip wrasslin' we grabbed and farts versa. Oh, disgusting! I don't get it! Flaviation! I, onyout, am going to drink this drink dedicated to my own deviated lips because these lips don't lie.

And it's toast from me. A 69 so fine. Have it with us wine. I tell him yeah Simone Garfinkle you did and I also raise my glass in a toast let us drink to the forces of goodness and light No one no one Are you I feel sped you're glowing you are glowing you're gonna cigarette I feel sped. You're glowing. You want me? You're glowing. He won't cigarette. You have so much cut. Just drop a cigarette at me.

You have so much color in your face. I know. Tell you, you sit around on this bar long enough, somebody will drop a cigarette into you. You know, there's just something to be said for achieving your purpose. You know, it feels good. And how is your purpose? To be drunk. Now this is a lesson, A Arnold, that you should take back with you and enter your real body. Think how satisfying it is to accomplish the thing that you were meant to do.

And I believe the real, full flavor on Enicamp was meant to destroy evil wherever it is. It's all good. Again with rears. You fell her on her real tear. Not obsessed. I'm telling you. I am, you're right. I'm gonna remember this. When I get back to my body, I will be dedicated to my purpose

of recording this podcast and giving people hang home bars. Oh wait, I thought you turned it off. Oh, we've been recording this whole time. I'm so sorry. Larry! You would have to think that some of this would be considered evidence. Lary! Uh, what happened? Here's the key up, fellas.

Excuse me a minute. Well, I go arm myself. Okay, hey, we got the pass, right? Do we have it? He left it here on the table. Let's just, let's just run. Okay, great, great, let's go. Holy shit. Run yourself, you gotta go! He's putting arm where his hands are

Okay, wait, hey, don't forget the mic See get the mic get the mic You guys gonna drag my body Oh, get fuck I got you Tell the fuck I'm gonna do it Get in the car

Oh, no Quick Arnie slide across the front of the car Oh no, how are the boys now? Gonna get out of this one! Who would have thought we could squeeze so much dramatic tension out of Arnie simply agreeing with an idea? Whoa, I just felt the entire cast of world news tonight at IO cry out in agreement and then fall silent. User or the wizard was played by Mat Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolf Refy.

Blowviation Jones was played by special guest Clint McElroy from the podcast The Adventure Zone. If that title is unfamiliar, you've never posted the question, which podcast should I listen to? On social media, my very favorite simultaneous cry for attention and cultural hand grenade to leave your friends fighting for days while you drain their bank accounts. Check out the Adventure Zone graphic novels too,! Wherever fine podcasts related graphic novels are sold. Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arniny Camp, Matt Young, and Adel Raphai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf producer Kimi Lucas,

this episode edited by Stefan Dranger, Special Assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello for the Magic Tavern logo by Adelard LeBam, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If you or someone you know has had their essence trapped in a teaky mug, you're not alone. Get in touch with the teaky mug Soul Prison Hotline by dialing a bunch of numbers, or find us on Twitter under the handle Martin L. Wilson. This is your mysterious authoritative voice signing off, reminding you that deep down inside, we're

all Palpatines. You're the one who's gonna die here, no!