Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 24 - Tom the Person Reading a Book

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Chunt and Usidore try to get Arnie interested in the show again when they run into one of their oldest and dearest friends: author and prince, Tomblain Belaroth.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTomblain Belaroth: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandAdditional Music: Paul MaguranyYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The January 12th show in Atlanta is sold out, but tickets remain for January 13th in Charlotte, January 15th in Portland, January 16th in Seattle, and January 17th in San Francisco. For links and info to buy tickets, visit hellofromthemagictavern.com and hit the live shows tab. The fun thing about being a saboteur in a secret government facility is sometimes that means big things, like undermining their plans to discover and invade an interdimensional realm neighboring their own, and other days that means small things, like rigging the curic coffee maker to emit sounds of rainforest animals perishing with each use. Also, the Sabotor fashion bible is lit. Lots of grey, black, beige cashmere, and scarves, scarves, scarves.

I may drag this out forever. And there's no better segue to this week's episode, where we may not be in a tavern, but there's still firelight, hushed voices, the clink of glasses, and our very best attempt at maintaining a storyline. So, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello. This is Chuck. This is Yusadol.

And this is not getting nuts. No. This is Magic Tavern and where the characters you know, you know the show, no need to talk about the premise at all. Yes, but we should say the title. Hello from the Magic Tavin. Thank you for joining us here. Yeah.

Why don't you sit down and have a drink with us? Have a drink, pop up on a chair by the fire. By then, I mean stand on a chair by the fire. Well, luckily, this is a very large library that has many large chairs and large fireplaces and full bars. So, this is so cozy, a lot of Huga going on here. Not a Huga. Yeah, a lot of Huga.

I was starting the show today without Arnold because he's become a teaky cup. Yeah, he's a teaky cup. We called him Tico, the teaky cup. He figured out that he was Arnie. He's the, now we're getting into this whole thing of explaining again. Oh, I didn't mean to. I just meant, you know, some people might notice Arnold's

absence. It's possible, I suppose. He's got a real caught up in being a cop. He has. And it seems that this is his main goal in life now is to be drunk. So when we started the podcast today, he was simply sitting over at one of the refreshment stations

here in Merit-Denth Library, and he doesn't seem to want to come and talk on the show. And usually the only thing he wants to do at all. Yeah, he's not talking much. He's mostly just like begging to be drunk. Oh, 22 ounce bitch. Bagen to be drunk. Bagen to be drunk. What do you call bitch. Bagan to be drunk. Bagan to be drunk.

What do you call that? That's definitely, it's thirsty, but it's also the opposite of thirsty. Yeah, what would we call that? Mm. I don't know. It's so funny, you know, we're talking about what things could be called.

We do the fireside chat, we had some recipes. I feel like this show could be anything, right? Yes. So like so often the show is like, who's our guest today? And then we have something on, we're like, cha-cha-cha-chat, but I feel often the show is like, who's our guest today? And then we have something on, we're like, chech-chech-chech-chat.

But I feel like the sky is the limit used to do. It could be anything. I chun't, what's something you've always wanted to do? Do you want to list some numbers or, um, save the name of songs that you like? Ooh, how about we list songs with numbers in the title? I love it. Okay.

Seven Dragons in a Baby. Peeping on two birds three times a Trumph 18 lizards in my tummy. I love 18 lizards in my tummy. People don't respect it enough because it's a kid song. It's a kid song but it's a good kid song. It's a good kid song but you're supposed to sing it in a kid's funeral. Well of course. So there is this you know sort of stigma that I'll stick my mouth. Yeah, yeah. know, what are some other things? What else?

What else can we talk about? What could the show be? Oh, say the most terrible thing you've ever done. OK, I bit the head off a wolf. Whoa, that's pretty impressive. Yeah. How did you do that? I was another wolf.

That's very impressive. Yeah, I thought you were going to say you were like a lion or something Much bigger. Yeah, how did you get your mouth around the head of the other? You tell me My man I'm afraid I got out. I wish I could couldn't shut my mouth for a week Wonderful this this is the best episode we've ever done You're right. Let me grab Arnie. I want Arnie to hear this. Arnie come here. Let me grab him Yeah, turn him around so he can see.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. We're fucking rocking this episode. Oh, hey, guys, thirsty? Well, that's not bad, but it's something more. Yeah. I know I'm fine. Thank you, though, very much.

How are you doing? I'm good. Yeah, you're really caught up in being a mug, huh? I know a lot of people have been drinking out of me. It feels good. It feels good. It feels good to achieve my purpose. With great pewter becomes great responsibility. Yeah.

We'd say you're a pewter mug, right? Sure. I don't know. I don't know what I'm made out of. Yeah. I just know that inside, there is a liquid, and then sometimes it's gone. I could describe almost any creature.

Yeah. Right? Wow. Have you ever done this thing where you're full of this liquid? And it's in you for a very long time. And then when you finally get it out of you, it's just the release is very satisfying. Yeah.

This is a very poignant observation about life. For we often seek ways to expel liquids and then feel better. And finally, when we reach that store, we expel all of our liquids. Damn, this show can be anything. Oh, is this the podcast? Yeah, we're doing the podcast. Yeah, no thanks.

Oh, what do you know, Ernie? No, no. Or you don't shuffle off? Yeah, I know I could only really wobble so much. The computer sends us out. The podcast so much We did it together

That's how we all became friends Yeah, I know The podcast always seemed so important to me But you know what? Now I've kind of got a new thing going on I'm really focused on being this Tiki mug Being the best Tiki mug I can be And I gotta say I feel like honestly I know this sounds crazy

I feel like being at Tiki mug is gonna be the thing that defeats the dark lord Oh almost certainly not Yeah, I do that I do and that's there's no way do sir. There's only one way to find out during me I find Harry I find Harry. Oh, what was that? I don't know. Oh, it's terrible.

It might be rainwater? No. Some kind of animal walked by and pissed at me at some point. What? I've been having a hard time getting in. Did you drink what's in me currently? Well, at least I drank it and it didn't hurt someone else. It's because we're in a library and in a bar, you know.

You're not gonna just pick up something in a library and drink from it. What about the Huga bar over there? Oh, yeah. Shh. Sorry. Sorry. You're in a library, not a bar. Well, that matters not.

For I am a great wizard, and I must do my duty. And my duty right now is to complete this podcast, wherein me and my friends do battle the forces of evil, and talk about songs with numbers in them. To be clear, I'm not in this episode. You are in this episode. Or you want your favorite song with the number in it? Oh, let's see here.

Librarian, Librarian, do you have a favorite song with the number in it? I'm not the Librarian, I'm a person reading a book. Oh, I'm sorry. So if you could please be quiet, I could continue to read it. Shh. Well, it's a very big library. Why don't you just go over there? We're having a very nice conversation.

Yeah, go over there. Well, it's not on me to find a nook. This is a quiet area. If you want to talk, go find a bar or a tevon. But they serve drinks right here at the Hougabar. Yes, they do, but those are not loud drinks. There's smoke drinks that you inhale. What book are you reading, buddy?

Well, if you must know, I'm signing copies of my own book. How do you sign copies when you're just a bunch of bats fluttering around a book like that? Wait. I'm not a bunch of bats. I'm a man, coalesce. Oh, whoa. Now I'm Tom Blaine Bellaroth and I gather that you didn't recognize me because I'm a series of bats in a library, but I do believe we know each other. We haven't seen you in so long, Tom. Would you like to drink me?

You know something? I don't know you, Cup, but I do know these two fine fellows. This is Chant and Yusador. Yes, of course it is. Oh, Tom Lane, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a bunch of bats. I didn't know that you were in a series such as that, so I did not recognize that. Yeah, and I was thinking you were a bevy of bats, and I feel like an asshole.

Well, it's dark and smoky here, and I gather based on the number of your company that the inevitable has happened, and that honor is dead. Uh, Arnie, uh, in Arnie, and yes, he is dead, ish, yes. Look under that sheet behind me. Oh, goodness. His body looks awful, but don't be afraid. Oh, it's preserved. It looked like that before.

No, I mean, but it looks very bad. I mean, it looks very unhealthy. It looks very, you know, it looks terrible. No, it's bothering. I don't know why. Well, you see, we've transferred Arnold's soul here into this teaky cup that you're just speaking to. I prefer to think of it as my essence. Or his essence, whatever. Uh, they'll shoot your essence into a cup. I've done it many times. Classic.

Oh, I also need Siddharth. I meant to mention that. I don't want to know. Never mind. It wasn't me though. Yeah. Maybe. Oh boy. Is there a way to transfer Arnie's essence

to another object or something? I think we might need to because I just is very obsessed with being a cup right now. Yeah, just keep things fresh to get him out of his rut. I don't know, I think there's a lot to explore in me being a cup. Oh, and there's a lot of books around. Tom Lane, do you have an extra copy of your book?

Yes, think you can't change your life. I bet you can. That's right, that's right. Would it be possible for me to try to transfer Arnie's essence into one of those books? Well, I would be worried that if you transferred your essence into a book that you might sort of become your soul might become influenced by the content of that book. So we might want to pick a book that you're comfortable with the content. My book would be great because it is very universal even though it is about a prince from the northeast who ran away to become an actor and then became a spy and a barren squirrel friend and then a series of bats. But you know, I know I'm a mug now and I don't really care about the podcast, but even

in this thing I gotta say, good succinct recap, good succinct exposition. Focus on that Arnold, think of how you care about that succinct recap and how much it means to tell the story of this podcast back to your home world of Earth, where people in now may be in danger from the impending invasion of the dark Lord if he air were to take over all of food. Yeah. How was that for recap though?

That was a great recap, pretty good. Absolutely, I think, honey. Mm. So we're not putting him in Tom Blaine's book? I mean, if you were to put him in my book, you would familiarize yourself with all the passages. For example, the moment when we first met, you know, how could you forget that I came into the tavern in disguise

and you didn't know that I was Prince Tom Blaine. And then we talked for a while, you thought that I was Prince Tomblane and then we talked for a while, you thought that I was an actor in a traveling troop called the Cockticklers and then over time it became clear that I was a prince running away from my family in the northeast. Fox, tell a recap.

He's a stellar recap. He's our very good recap. Is this a clip show? No, it isn't. Tom Blaine, what have you been doing lately? Well after that I was nominated for a tosser which is a great acting award in the country of the other game. Oh do you mean since we last talked?

Yes I do. Well as you know I'm on a book tour and I'm making my way back to the northeast to claim the throne. And so I've been going to libraries, planting signed copies of my book, but right now I'm waiting on HBO. Oh, it's HBO. HBO. No, that's the, I'm trying to get an HBO password because I want to get into the home books office.

Oh, it's just a special section of the library that you have to pay extra for because I'm going back to the Northeast, of course, to try to claim the throne. So I want to catch up on succession. Succession? Like the story of your family and who's taking over the throne? Yeah, the rules of succession.

But everyone's talking about it, and you can only get it if you have an HBO password. Oh, it'll... I love things that are exclusive and difficult to get into. As a wizard, I often have access to secret information. And Byzantine, unknowable truths. Maybe you could share your home book's office password with me? How many people can share one home book's office password with me? How many people can share one home book's office password? Well, that's the thing. See, they're very sloppy about it, deliberately so.

Everyone in FUNE could be using one HBO password. And they don't care because there's how much money that they make at home book's office. Oh, wow. Amazing. Truly, it's staggering. So it's like this sort of exclusive thing, but it's not really because everybody can get their hands on it. All right. Oh, well, now I'm less interested in it. Well, but everyone is raving about Watchman.

What's Watchman? Well, it's when you go into the Homebook's office, and the men there are very handsome. Oh, see, just watch. That sounds nice. That's a weird way to say that. Well, why? I mean, haven't you ever gone to someplace where people are very attractive and you say,

oh, I'd like to watch men. I'd like to watch women. Well, I must admit, I've been wanting to get into the home book's office for a while, so I could catch up on Veepe. I just love little baby vultures and the way they Veepe. Aww, they're so cute. They're so cute. They're so cute.

They're so tiny. Speaking of baby vultures, I was thinking, you know, since this podcast could be anything, we're just discovering at this episode. What if there was, you know, a character that was like, baby chunt? So it's like, chunt, but a baby. And chunt is my name, of course.

It's not like what I am, but we call it baby chunt. Like, wouldn't that be fun? Would that be something we'd find on HBO? I love that idea. A little baby chunt, maybe floating in a neck shell. Hmm. Don't disrespect me. Do not, you're doing more than disrespecting me.

That idea is a Disney plus. I didn't mean to diss you. I certainly know. No, you didn't, no, you didn't just diss me. You dissed me plus. I am sorry. We are very sorry, of course, Tom Blaine. But because think about it, it's not you,

but we call it baby you. You're not a chump your chump. Yeah I'm sorry. I'm a chapter. I guess it would be baby sheep to do but that doesn't have the same ring to it I'm sorry. I didn't think it through. I just I just I'm I'm very sorry But you hit on some wonderful idea that had never occurred to me before chump What if we played characters? I need an audio medium. No, one can see us, no one knows that I look like a wizard, I could be anything. This is the problem, everyone thinks they can be an actor, and I've had years of training, all right?

And so are you telling me that someone can just come into an audio medium without training and play a believable character that someone would want to follow along with. Well, I mean it might be rough for the first half a year, but eventually it's sort of easy into it. There are people who, I would say maybe two out of every three who have the ability to change their voice in some way and to play a character, but there are other people who that's not an option for them.

They have to have their own name and basically play themselves. I just think that's sad. Nah, it is a little sad. So you're saying about 30% of any given show of this format. There's probably one person who can only play themselves. This isn't bother me at all. I don't know why. So far we've all been playing ourselves. And honestly, this is a sad part, usually the idea comes from them, originally, because they're the ones who are like, Oh God, what can I do? I'll try to find more talented people than me,

and get them to do what they do brilliantly, and I'll kind of go along and just be me. Well, I mean, you'd have to imagine, though, in time they'd come to regret it. But, Tom Boyn, isn't that just a prime example of the boys being the boys? That's an Amazon. I can't even do it. I can only be myself, I think. That's a prime idea.

That's a strange way to put that. What's that? That's just a strange way to word that. Like, when someone says it's a great idea, like, why would you say, as a prime idea? Is it a natural way to say something like, I'd like to watch men yes or a natural way to when chances something offensive to you and you throw them you go get away you little flea bag that is also I would say a prime idea all right it's amaz I

can't make that one work I'm I'm I'm I have to get into a different body this isn't working who are you talking to? You. Oh, sorry. How long has he been like this? Oh, boy. It's been a couple of weeks now. Yeah. We were having to drip fraying.

You know that necromancer. Made of snakes. Made of snakes, got it. Oh, do you want to recap it? Yes. So I'm guessing, just based on the sort of forensic evidence here, that you spent some time at looking at the robes probably a school of some kind.

Jizz on the knob. Over time you well let's see the stains on your sleeve make it look like perhaps you were examining ripped paintings so probably you thought there was poltergeist and then you faced off against the Poltergeist. Funny it to be Dripfang who had a vendetta against how does he do this? Dripfang's a thing because of the trick that you played on him when you were carfoons

and that's when Hogsface was destroyed, but Dripfang survived and then so he tried to kill Yusador with an obsidian blade, but he stabbed On or with it. Damn, what a recap. I say, Tom Lane, you've done it again. Previously on. Yes, well, sometimes it's important to recap

because people might be dipping in and out. Oh, I think anybody who stops listening just stops listening. Arnie speaking of recaps, we need to recap you, we need to put you in something else. So... Oh, but I'm just enjoying people just drinking me. Come on, I know you guys don't approve of it, but don't drink, shame me. Oh, well don't, wouldn't you like to be a bigger cup? I'm not gonna put a minute bigger cup.

Maybe? Oh yes, then even more people could drink even more out of you. Yeah, we could put you in a book. It does not have to be Tom Blaine's book. There's this whole dark book section. Oh. Well, you know what? Now that I got that drink, shame blind, out. I'm done here. I'm- I'll go in Tom Blaine's book if he doesn't mind. So Tom, how would you feel- would it be weird if they put me in your book?

Well, no. Because it doesn't change my life, it's just a reference book of my life, so it would be fine. You do miss the opportunity to change the name of the podcast to Two Boys One Cup. Damn it, it was right there! Damn it! That's why Tom wins the best. Well, why don't we take a quick break? And while we're gone, we may transfer Arnold's body into a new object. As of yet. I've not found the bathroom, so I'm just going to pee in this cup.

Oh, oh. Let's take a break. Yes, it are. Drink me. No. And we're back. It's showtime, baby! Here, I am about to transfer Arnold's essence from this teaky cup into the book of Tom Blaine Bell Roth, which he would love to plug. Thank you, can't change your life. I bet you can. And if it's showtime, then is it fair to say this is a work in progress? Ooh, bravo. Well, that's pretty shameless, but all right.

Arnie, before you get transferred, are you sure you don't want to go into one of the books in the Dark Book section? Look, anal trolls. A anal trolls too. What? A anal trolls too. Yeah, behind these western screen doors is a whole dark book section. Oh! Two is the best one. It's like the Godfather plays. Oh, so good.

You see the troll is a young man and an old man. How is anal troll's three? The book? Yes. Oh, they act. Both? anal troll's three is terrible. Oh, okay.

The offer writes his daughter into it. The right is his daughter into it. Oh, and you should... If you're writing a book called anal troll's, you shouldn't write your daughter into it. That's very clear. So you even think about that very bad idea Here let us begin the transfer now wait wait are there any books about like the handmaiden still Let's see here misty maidens

Foggy boys handmaidens of blood Watch made men. No, I don't see anything about Handmaidens. Red shoe diaries. Milk Maidens. Stinky Reginald and the Maiden of Gorn. Let's hulu out of here. Throw me into that book. Wait, what's that for you? I was just trying to cover all the bases.

I felt like that. I mean, it wasn't elegant, but that was like one of the last ones. I felt like we hadn't touched on. It just doesn't feel like something you'd naturally say. Like I keep going back to how natural it is to be like, hey, let's watch men. Well, look, back on Earth. It was just something people would say.

It's like, let's Hulu out of here. Oh, is that another thing? What's the, there's really not anything about it. There's no word play involved in anyway. It's just me saying let's Hulu out of here. Cool cool cool and we're not gonna let this go. Oh I would expect nothing less. No I'm debating maybe we should just let him die. No no no Arnie you're gonna be in this book. Okay take a look I'm in that book. Oh you make it so hard. Arath, tola, thaw, gotta do Reading Rainbow!

Baby! No! Very well now, Arnold, can you hear me? What's that? Are you a book? Can you hear me book? Arnold, can you hear me? Are you speaking to me?

Yes? Yes, hello. Hello, yes? Are you speaking to me? Yes? Yes, hello? Hello, yes? Yes, it's me, Tom Blaine Bellaroth? No, no, no, no, I'm Tom Blaine Bellaroth. You're my BOOK. No, no, no, no, I'm Tom Blaine Bellaroth. You're just someone holding me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, there's an easy way to figure this out. Okay, use the door. Let them both talk for 30 seconds and whoever has the best accent is clearly Tom Blaine Belorath better well I should be silent beginning to question out best accent or good accent I think best all right then first you who asked the question why don't you go talk for 30 seconds in this accenthmm. In this accent? Oh wait, shit, one of them was a book. No, so that's already- That's got a question. Only Tom Blaine belleroth.

No, that's the only way to figure out which of us is Tom Blaine belleroth. And which is- No, you're a book. And that you see the way- No, you're a book. I'm a man who wrote a book. You're a book. And yes, you- you know lots of things about me because you're my book. Tom Blaine, I think I have a way to figure this out.

Uh, let me ask a question to the other EU. Uh, hello there. I'm Yusudor, the wizard. Are you attracted to Titania the Queen? No, that's my mother. Oh, it didn't work. Yeah. Wait, I guess I should ask both of you. Tom Lane, are you attracted to your mother, Tatanya?

The Queen? No, that's my mother. Got me again. Shunt? Still, I can. Are you attracted to Tatanya? Absolutely. That's your mother.

She's very beautiful. Beautiful. Oh, come on. That's my mum. Obviously, he's the book, because he's a book. Oh, there's only one way to find out. No, can't you see who's... Can't you see I'm the man with the mouth moving, making gestures, and that I'm pointing at is a book.

But you see which one burns faster. No, no, no, look, I'm clearly the person I am talking, moving my cover, and I'm the look. You just said cover! You said cover! You said cover! That's not what people say! What do you think, say? They say, let's Hulu out of here.

Wait, you said or, you said or, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I have an idea. Can you like conjure up a baby? Of course. Okay, do that. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, bh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, Too late. Too late. Too late. I cut it in half. That one over there. I wanted to save the baby first. That's the real Tom Blaine. I hope it was one of those asexual babies that you cut them in half and then that's how they reproduce. Well, actually, it's a little gummy baby. You can just stick it back together. I learned that trick when you're at that county shop not too long ago.

Gummy babies bouncing here and there and everywhere. That's a weird way to say that. It's not weird. Well, that's how you'd say gummy babies bouncing here and there and everywhere. High's a weird way to say that. It's not weird. Well, that's how you'd say it. Gummy babies bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventurers beyond compare. They are the gummy babies. Now, Tom Lane. While you and I know that's a very popular song and phone that doesn't have a number in it, I think maybe that Arnold doesn't, because he's actually the book.

Arnold, do you remember before when we transferred your... It's Arnold. Uh-huh. No, I'm saying the person you're referring to is a honor. No, but I'm saying that's you. Remember we transferred your essence out of your body and into a teaky cup and then from a teaky cup into this book. So that's what you're at right now. You're in the book.

I'm... I know, you're still you. You're in the book, but you have my biography. Take a look. In the book. You're definitely the book, but you have my biography. Take a look in the book. You're definitely Arnie. I can do anything. Arnie, I'm holding up a mirror, okay? Now I want you to look in the mirror

and I want you to see your cover. And based on that, I want you to make a verdict on who you are, okay? Show me the cover. Okay, here's you. Yes, yes, I'm looking at a picture of me, Tom Blaine Bellaroth. No.

I am in a position that looks almost like an author's photo. There are words hovering over my head, but I see, I see my face. Now those words are a part of you, you dumb book. You 22 page bitch. Well I'm, I've decided to give up on this. Tom Lane, how else have you been? Is there any, is there any love in your life?

Like you ran away so long ago to be with Rianan and I don't know if you're still with a, what was her name? Alice Peacorn? Alice Peacorn, yes. Well I've been away for a bit because I am on this book tour. So you've got sort of a long distance thing going Which can be difficult But my goal is to make it back to the northeast and to reclaim the throne to kill my stupid sister. Oh, well, that would be wonderful

But would you then take Alice as your queen? Oh, it's hard to say, isn't it? I haven't seen Randon a long time. I don't know if she married her cow or something, so I really don't know. So much has happened, even in the course of just our conversation, a gummy baby was cut in half. It lived its entire life. That's right. Why would she put herself in a cow?

No, she might, you dumb book! She might fall in love with her cow, right? Because she's giving it all those handjubs all the time. But why? Tom, Tom Blaine, Tom Blaine. Having, having myself been a cow before, you should know that those probably aren't hand jobs. What are you talking about? She's probably milking the cow. She's just milking the cow. Yeah. Yeah. How do you think milk comes out?

Grab one of those six little dicks. You give it a hand job. Oh, oh, oh, Tom Lane. You don't have to worry about her getting married because why would she marry the cow and she can get the come for free? Okay. I'm gonna pull that out hear. You come from a, you come from a great line of privilege and royalty. So it's understandable that you don't understand how cows work. You've never had to work in a barn or be a, a low worker of a stature of a,

a low house. What happens is those are teats from which milk is drawn, but it has nothing to do with the sexual organs of that particular beast. They still have other parts that take care of that. That is more like the breast of a cow. care of that. That is more like the breast of a cow. Oh. So she's jerking off its breast. No, it's more like feeling up the cow. I don't know. Oh boy. I got what it got into a weird spot there. Well still, I would hope that if you feel up someone enough, you marry them.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned. I'm older than this book. I'm older than this dead gummy baby. Should we have a funeral for the gummy baby? Oh, yes. It wasn't sentient, was it? Oh, of course. Oh, shit. Do you want to sing that? Or get so many emails. Can we sing a song for the...

18 lizards in my tummy? 18 lizards in my tummy. And they're almost gone. Now the 17 lizards in my tummy and they're almost gone count it down The 16 lizards in my tummy and they're almost gone Almost gone there's 15 lizards in my tummy Where have those lizards gone? Well 14 lizards in my tummy. Everything is finite. There's 13 lizards in my tummy.

Arnie, the five golden rings. Bottom, bottom, bottom. Oh, you should've brought it back together. We're off. We're off. Now transfer Arnie's story. I'm going to get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a I've golden rings bottom, bottom, bottom. Oh, you said, or put back together the gummy baby. We're off. We're off. Now transfer Arnie's essence, jettison his essence into the gummy baby. Woo! Much better. Oh.

Oh, I'm so sticky. That's because you just in my book. It's not me. Now we have a baby Arnie. Arnie, can you hear me? Do you know it's you this time? Yeah, I think so. Do you feel all right?

It's not baby Arnie. It's a baby that's the same species as Arnie. But isn't it fun to call it baby Arnie? Doesn't it make it so much more cute? But that's stupid because that's a Disney+. I'm not, again, I'm not trying to dis you. I used to work here. No, I'm sorry to interrupt, John.

I'm just getting a sense of myself again. And so I'm sort of trying to get back on the horse of asking good podcast questions. Tom blame. Can you force us to say old? Could you give me another example of a Disney plus? Like, I'm just curious to fully understand what a Disney plus is.

Is there anything else that you would call a Disney plus? I was quite a backlog of Disney plus. No, I mean, like, but a contemporary Disney plus. So you want to know what is Disney plus Pixar? That's a weird way to say that. Well, what is Pixar? Oh, what is Pixar? Yeah,me plus Pixar? Hmm, that's a weird way to say that. Well, what is Pixar? Oh, what is Pixar? Yeah, like what Pixar?

Yeah, what is his list of dis-me pluses to be? Yeah. Or, but don't give me like an old one, give me like a dis-me plus original. Well, I understand there's a lot of national geographic stuff. So like, if you were to make a faux-pon involving a map, like nationally and geographically, that would be a Disney+.

Great, and do you have an encore? I think there's lots of things that would be on a Disney+. For example, if you are someone who marvels at the universe, to the point where you're constantly marvelling at the universe, to the exclusion of all your friends, that's a Disney+. I think we probably shouldn't worry about so much about the Disney Plus. Juan Division. What?

You want him to do division with his wand? Yeah. Wand Division? Very well. I shall catch you in half. Jelly Baby. Oh wait. Now we'll put you back together. And here's a fun thing. Make his ears real big and his eyes real light. Okay He's a donable. Oh, now I really look like it looks like a baby Arnie. Look at him play with that I don't know what his name is, but he looks like a baby. I already put that knob down. No play with that knob

Do you guys think that this baby Arnie version of myself just off the top of your head? Do you think this is something that people would post a lot of pictures of on Twitter? It seems possible to me, of course. Like, if I stay as this baby Arnie, maybe like Twitter, like you couldn't get past a picture of me. And we don't have the much ready to go, but we could get some pretty quick, I think. Damn, I know I should have stuck with baby chunt. For me, the question is, what the fuck is Twitter? Oh, Twitter's this wonderful platform back on Earth.

And I have a handle there at Yousad or the Blue, where you can go and you can occasionally, once every three weeks or so, I might post something. Kill or fucking recap. Oh, yes, okay, that makes sense. So you joined the platform and you occasionally post things on it. That's right, it's very exciting. People can read things that other people wrote.

Even if they don't have any sort of training or understanding of, oh, what good writing is. Do you feel like it would lead to the polarization and eventual disintegration of society, or was it just be fun? That first thing, almost certainly. Just to be clear, this is the library of merit-dent, is that right? That's correct, yes. Some people say merit-dent, yes, but yeah. Well, I've known it as both, yes, the accents here, the dialects and food, can, can sound like Meridant or Meridenth. But it is spelled with an A, Meridant.

It also has many secret names. If you were to say them, your legs would turn into snakes and they would each try to go down a separate hole and they would pull you apart so that your taints split open. Not pretty. Drawing and tainted. Don't say those. Didn't we come here for something? Should we ask Tom Blaine if he has the information?

Yes, I'm actually here for many purposes. I want to save Arnie. I want to find a way to get his original body back or maybe a better one. And I also have these pages from the book of Sight that I desperately want to decipher. We've managed to capture five, six pages now, and I really want to dig into these and learn about ways that we may be able to defeat the Dark Lord once and for all. You've got pages from the Book of Sight. That's right, I do.

Bingo, bingo. Oh, Tom Blame, what do you know about the Book of Sight? Well, I've heard whispers about it, and I've heard that there might be some pages here in the library. Pages of the Book of Sight, or just pages here in the library. Well, there's definitely pages. There's lots of pages in the library,

but I've heard there might be pages from the Book of Sight because I am part of a secret society. Oh, oh, what of a secret society. Oh, what's the secret society? Looking to my eyes for five seconds. Oh, he's holding up that coin. You're going to get it, you're going to get it. Oh, come on.

My coin is in the pocket of my body. It's not a question. Wait, hold on a second. You said my coin is in my bot, and then you said pocket. Oh. Where's your coin, honey? Yeah, where do you keep your coin, honey? Where's your coin, honey?

Yeah, just, that's a big coin. It's in my coin purse. Don't worry about that. That's a dilated coin. I don't need to see his coin. I certainly don't want to see his coin purse. Tumbling, you're a member of the silent eye. Shhh. Yes. Yes, sorry. I'm doing it. That's why you're well. That the Silent Eye! Shhh! Yes!

Sorry, I'm doing well. That's why you shushed this earlier. Yes! Silent Eye! Not because we're being too loud. Now, as members of the Silent Eye, we must work together to defeat the Dark Lord. Shhh!

Yes! I concur. We must work together to defeat the Dark Lord. And in what way, Tom Lane, can we assist you? For if you were to return to the throne of the Bellaroth, certainly you could turn the might of that kingdom towards the side of good. Also, is there a part of this library we could go to, where we don't have to whisper to have this conversation

Now we could go to the loudroom. Let's go All right, let's go. Yeah, it'll be very loud in there. There's lots of people talking and shouting, but we might be able to hear each other Someone pick up Arnie. He's gonna just scoot along behind And here we are Okay, you might find it a bit loud. We have lots of people. Okay. We're in a very loud room now. Yes, it is.

Very loud, man. Are you saying you stole? What? Huh? It's a good place. What? Should we hula-out of here? Why can't you hear you?

We should hula-out of here. Yes, that's hula-out of here. Why don't we hula-out of here and go to the regular? Speak it. Oh, yes, if we could, somewhere on it. Now, on our way to the regular speaking room, we should be very quiet. What? I said, on our way, we're no longer in the loudroom. Now, we're just in the library, so we should be quiet on our way to the regular speaking room. And Tom Blaine, this quiet place, is this part of HBO?

No, no, no, this isn't the home book's office. Will it eventually be part of HBO? Or maybe like... Maybe next season. Could be. Could be. Okay. So here we are in the regular speaking room.

Ah, that's much better. Yeah, it's better. Yeah, it's nice. I forgot this was here. We should have been here the whole time. Yes, I would have made a lot of sense. It's the regular speak easy. What? It's easy to speak in here. Yeah. Remember, that's not the way you would say that.

Well, is there an example of how someone might speak naturally? You don't even want to watch men? Yes, let's watch men. That man is putting his hat in something. What is that? Let's dress up like a doctor. The man's putting his hat in something. Tell us more.

You mean... The doctor, the doctor, the man. The doctor's putting his hat in something. The doctor's putting his hat in something. Who's man-hatten? What, that's not how you would say it. I say it, but he's man-hatten. Also, why do you describe him like that?

You could just say the guy over there with a big blue dick to think about. Oh no, please. If everybody stops and pointed out the guy with the big blue dick, we wouldn't get any work done. It's so timely, and how soon until you return to your kingdom, to the kingdom of the Bellaroth and the Northeast? Well, I'm on my way. I just have to find some way to fly there. I might try to meet Dragon or flying horse or, you know, any kind of, like, an enchanted cloud. You need to fly there. Well, I can assist you with that. You can?

Yes, of course. I know a flying horse named Pegas 7. Pegas 7? Yes, Pegas 7. I could call him up and have him here in no time at all. How long would that take? Oh, you know, a day tops. Maybe faster depending on where he is at the moment. I also know a dragon named Miles.

If you need a dragon here quicker, use a frequent flight. Done. Why don't we call them both? I know a set of floating teeth named Chatters. Does that help Tom Blaine? How's that help? I mean I was just talking about people they know. Well the people we were talking about was specifically to help Tom Blaine.

And to be fair I don't really know Chatters like I need to talk directly to him. Never mind. Okay. Well thanks for trying me in. I'm sorry I'm so sticky. It's very discharging. Everything is about you. You're like me me me me me me me. This baby ony thing is become a me me. And to be fair, are you any less sticky than you were originally? Just in a different way that I'm not used to. Alright. Also now that I've a sort of read

your book, thank you for putting me in your book. Hey you're welcome. You're an important part of my life. Oh you're an important part of my life and time I really do hope that you reclaim the throne. Oh yes. Well, you've been taking a real long time doing it. I've been taking a real long time.

Yes, not like us. We're working in a breakneck pace. Yeah. I've been taking her a long time. Yes, not like us. We're rocking in a breakneck pace. Yeah, but I've got goals and I bet you the next time you see me, I'll be retaking the throat. Oh, wonderful. Would you mind if at some point, look, we got some stuff to do first, would you mind if we visited you in your kingdom sometime? I would love that. Well, then we shall go and call our friends forth. And perhaps the next time I see you, I shall bend a new year and say, thank you, Your Majesty.

Oh, believe me, you'll be VIPs. VIPs? Very incarcerated people. I can get you there faster if I capture you and put you in prison. Oh, well, all right. Then I would let you go. Oh, well. But you'd enjoy the VIP treatment.

Well, Tom, I'm very excited to someday visit you in the Northeast, which we got to get around to that sometime soon. That would be lovely. I've got to do my succession, and then I'll be there. I have a real quick email here. You know, listeners at home, you can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies. That supplies, it's a real email address.

Use it or could you pull that phone out of the pocket of my body under that sheet? Ah, here it is, there you go. All right, let's see. Actually, I hate to do this, but we're in the library, so it's a email. It's a, oh, what's that? A email, a email? It's a email, it's a email, because we're in the library, so it's a email. It's a, oh, what's that? A email.

A email? It's a, it's a email. It's a email, because we're in the library. We're not at the sea. We're, it would be a sea mail. We're in the library, where it's a email. A email? Like, like a library email.

Oh. Okay. Did that really take that long? I mean, I think I got it, but I thought that I was only part of the way there, but I was there. I was there. I think a lot of your listeners, I have the same issue. There's a lot of things in this podcast where you think I think I got it, but is that could that be it? The answer is yes. And then eventually they Google it and they're like, oh, that was okay. Thank you, Yusudor, for my phone. I got this email at Magic Tavern at Puppy's Out supplies.

Hello, Arnie, Yusudor and Guest. Are you still in contact with Tom the Traveler? Slash Tom Blaine? Slash a series of bats? Yes. My friend and I were discussing the possibility that the Dark Lord's recent rise to power may have been facilitated

by Tom Blaine not going to the cave to do the bat dance after his father's death. Do you think this is a possibility and can it be rectified? Lots of love from Australia, Naomi and Nikki. Oh no. I thought that didn't I? No, it's alright. You no. I thought that didn't I? No, it's all right. You had to follow your own path. Yeah, and Tom Blaine, if we're being honest,

if you're trying to get succession, have you tried to shift your sister? No, I need to do that. Yeah, just walk up behind her and shift, shift, shift. Shift, shift, shift. Also, like the email asks, can it be rectified? Like if you go to the cave and do the Sundance, can it be rectified? The bat dance. Oh the cave and do the Sundance, can it be rectified?

The bat dance. Oh the bat dance, sorry. That's alright. You just have to go. You're not a victim here, Tom Blaine. No, you want, you want a Vicky? Vicky, Vicky. It's not beyond the pale that you can do this Vicki pale, Vicki pale. All right, stop the press. You're saying that I need to go to the cave and do the bat dance as soon as possible to help turn back the clock against this horrible evil that has taken place. I don't know if time shall reverse, but I do believe that ascending to the throne by doing the bat dance

is the only way to get back on the path towards the righteousness. Well then let's do it. I'm in. Yes! That's great news because you are my number one guy. Does that make sense? I'm gonna have to Google this. No I'm with you. Pegas 7! I called for Pegas 7. You just have to Google this. No, I'm with you. Pegas 7! I called for Pegas 7. You just have to yell his name. And it's gonna take him a day? Yeah.

That's right. I know the rules of this. Well, that's no time at all. Well, farewell, Tumblite. Until we see you. An awkward when you say goodbye. Someone still just has to wait for a day for there. Anyway, bye. Well, this is me. This is my flying horse

So I catch you guys later. It was great to see you. Oh the flying horse is here. Oh great. That worked out No, no, no, it's gonna be it'll be a day But yeah We'll keep exploring but oh, it looks like we're both working the same way Yeah, but it's great. It was great to run into you guys and let's do this again Oh very sure, so you can and let's do this again. Oh, very short, sorry. You can just wait here at this gate, because the Pegasaur 7 will come right up to the gate.

Oh, okay, so we're walking, you're walking the same way to the gate? Yeah. Anyway, it's been great. It's been great talking to you guys. Let's give you a hug. Oh, okay. Good to have you. Oh, yeah.

High five anal. Give you a hug, okay? Yeah, okay. Good to meet you. Ah, yeah. Hi, Fabeno. Hi. So many talking inanimate objects. A mug, a book, a gummy bear. It's beauty in the beast without any of the storytelling or emotional investment. Usual The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Junt The Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffy.

Prince Tom Blaine Bellaroth was played by special guest Steve Walteen. Steve is a writer for the late show with Stephen Colbert and a member of the Improvized Shakespeare Company. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnany Camp, Matt Young, and Adolfi, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Earwolf producer, Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adler LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Additional music by Paul McGurney. Additional music, I don't remember. Ah, now that I've credited him, I guess I have no choice but to play it.

Well done, McGurney. Well done. 18 lizards in my tummy. And they're almost gone. Now the 17 lizards in my tummy. And they're almost gone. Count it down. The 16 lizards in my tummy and they're almost gone count it down to 16 lizards in my tummy And they're almost gone almost gone there's 15 lizards in my tummy Where have those lizards gone? Where life is short and it's over soon It goes away where the lizards go

Yeah, yeah This 14 lizards in my tummy It's a great sharing Everything is finite There's 13 lizards in my tummy Honey The five golden rings But I'm f-f-f-