Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 26 - Scarab

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

While the boys continue scouring the stacks at the library, Sasha the Scarab comes on the show to find love and someone to eat.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSasha the Scarab: Yazmin RamosMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a secret government facility. It's like none of the employees have figured out the locks and barriers I constructed around every entrance, and you know, if they can't put the time in to make it through those, they're not really interested in team building. Oh yes, the Magic Tavern website has a brand new look! At hellofromthemagictavern.com you can learn about live shows, past episodes, merchandise, and other things to help flesh out this sentence. Make sure and check out the front page where the three quote unquote main characters of

the show are given all manner of illustration and bio. And the many, many other individuals who toil endlessly to bring this show to life are mentioned not at all, not even a thumbnail image. Wait a sec, guys. Keep in mind the path of the universe bends slowly towards justice, so watch your backs. And now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Neekam. Gummy. I'm well. Should I start calling myself Gummy Neekam? Gummy Neekam.

Gummy Gugu. Uh, okay. Gummy Gugu Neekam. Look, I'm still Arnie just because my body was stabbed by a magical sword and my essence is currently in a baby-sized gummy baby candy. Doesn't mean that I guess I should have a different name, right? Can we also work on Neekam?

Hmm, what do you mean? Are you open to notes on knee camp? I mean, I'll hear them. Okay. Well, we were talking about... We were talking about... Yeah. We were thinking maybe like Reynolds.

Oh, yes. Yes, very sexy. Reynolds. Yeah. Google Reynolds. Yeah. Okay. And if you could be like kind of...

You're very intelligent. Oh, for sure. But be like kind of you're very intelligent But it's fun when you're real snarky, so maybe be snarkier. Oh, yeah snarky sneak stamp Oh, so you want me to be real sort of snarky and rye like a rye Reynolds. Yes a rye Reynolds That's the very thing me. Okay. Yes, and very soon We will we'll put you in the magical pool that I'm working on from the things I've discovered that will make you be less dead Once we put you right in that dead pool. I think Rhyrno's gonna take off. All right. Well, I thought the show is already real mouthy asshole What's this recently become a real mouthy asshole? I have yeah, oh In a good way, okay fine figure. Okay. I know things are gotten a little wild, they're about to get vanwild.

Okay, should I go back to the beginning? No. Okay, well anyway, I'm joined as always by my co-host, John the Talking Badger. Oh yeah, baby! And you, sir, are the wizard! I am you, sir, dohaw. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical delights.

Devourer of chaos. Champion of the great H halls of Tarakas! The Ops Nomius being Yelk, the dwarves Nomius Zonen and Huk Stenges and I'm noon in the northeast, as gasmuenius may star, and if my voice sounds like it is tired and creaky, it is because I've stayed up so many late nights. Pouring over tomes and grimwas looking for some cure for my good friend Arnold who has been stabbed through the chest. Oh it's right. You've been pouring over the tomes. So when you read you do a pour over? It's the only way I can stop the dark lord from seeing me. I made a magical elixir and I poured over the tom and that way he can't see what I'm doing. Yeah famously we're not supposed to open books. So, you source found a way around that.

Ornie, did I tell you the book series I found? No. It's one of my favorites from a child. It's a whole series of books. It's called, you don't have a choice in this adventures. And what happens is it's kind of hard to explain. So, it's a story that plays out sequentially in order. So, like here I'm on page 72.

It says Walter walked up to the door. That's page 72. It says turn to page 73. You open the door. What if you don't want to open the door? Could you just go to a different page and not open the door? No, this happens sequentially. So you just turn, it says on page one, it says turn to page two and page two, it says turn to page three, and so forth and so on. Honestly, most books I read. I read the first seven or eight pages, then I just decide what happens. Oh! It's just a jumping off point.

Yeah! Do you need every page to tell you to turn to the next page? Well, how else do we know where to go after that? I mean, aren't all books in food, read, and order? Why would they be? Why would you assume that? I don't know.

I mean, the reading book book here on page eight, you're like, this is fine, but what's on page 100? Yeah, this is what you get hung up on? You're a gummy baby. That is true. I, my essence has been flung into a tiny gummy baby. And, I guess my name now is Rye Reynolds. Ah, a lot of changes for me.

Also, I gotta say, the fact that this candy that I'm in is a little bit sticky. I've been accumulating a fair amount of, like, lint and dust and dirt. I've actually got, like, half a page stuck to this arm now. Oh, yeah. Well, this is fortunate, honey. In though you are covered in muck and disgusting things. Wow, it's a little high. I have found someone this week, and she shall be able to assist us.

Oh, but she has powers related to death and resurrection itself. Oh. It is Sasha, the scarab. Hello, how are you? I'm fine. Oh, you look so squishy. Oh, I got it. Oh, no, no.

This is our friend, Sasha. She's a scarab. Yeah, but she's like a, it, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Very true. Sasha, what can you tell us about death and resurrection? How can you help us bring up it? Oh, no, no, no. Always wants to talk about death with me. What about love? Oh, no. What about life? Are you in love with someone, Sasha?

Oh, I've been trying to be in love with someone. But it never works out. You know, I'm a vegan, so I try not to eat as much flesh as possible, but. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Arni you do you know about vegans? So on Foon, there's creatures called vegans. And what they do is they try and eat as much plant-based product as possible. Well, still occasionally dipping into flesh.

Oh, really? Yes, a beetle like me can survive only on plants, so I'm only a vegan when I can be. And I only only eat flesh that I'm in love with. But even though you eat flesh, you still tell everyone as often as possible that I am a vegan. Because it feels really good. Sure, I hear that. Thank you, Bedr. You know me. Yeah, Sasha, you're fierce. So you eat flesh. I don't know if that's just human flesh or animal flesh. It's definitely just human flash. Oh, it's just human flash. I see.

But only humans that you are in love with? Only in love with. Oh. I know. It's sad. I've only been in love twice in my life. Oh. So you must be starving.

I am terribly hungry. Yes. I need something. I need love. And I thought, you know, I thought you'd bring me to someone who was maybe a human and not a gummy. Oh well You see the thing is Arnold is a human But recently you is stabbed by an obsidian And right here under that blanket. There's his body. Oh

Frozen it in time and we're trying to figure out a way to get his essence back into that body from the gummy bag Oh time and we're trying to figure out a way to get his essence back into that body from the gummy baby. Oh no. But also for, I mean I, I guess it's probably not that hard to get my essence back into my body but like in a way that I don't immediately just die because there's you know a magic sword in my chest. It's very dangerous to do that. Oh yeah. I've done it once before. Yeah. From a smarties candy do you know what that is? Uh I mean I know what Smarties are on Earth. What are Smarties here? Well, there was this human that I was going to fall in love with before it became Smarties candies. Oh.

And then he died. Oh, I'm sorry. tragic. The specificity is so true. It was just so instant, honestly. Please Sasha pump the brakes too many details. He died? Oh, did he die?

In my mind's eye, I just, I see everything. Do you want me to relive death? I deal with death all the time. People come to me, Sasha, please, please, please, resurrect, resurrect, resurrect, and I'm like, no, I don't want to, today I'm too tired. Nobody asks me what's dead inside of me. OK.

Nobody resurrects my deadness inside. Oh, okay. Well, can't help with the second half probably, but hey, what's dead? What's resurrected inside of you? I already forgot your question that your desperate to have asked. It's not not joke. We want to know more about you, Sasha. If you feel dead inside, what would make you feel alive again? Love.

Love. Oh, love. But not just any love. Anybody can follow love multiple times. I want that passionate, deep connection, that central that I need to every moment of the day love. True love. Is that true love? Unhealthy love? Unhealthy love, yes.

Oh. Now, what sort of person or creature are you attracted to? May you give us some of the attributes that you find desirable to mate perhaps we know someone and then we can... Play matchmaker. Okay well um tall. Okay. How tall are we talking? I'm talking 8 foot 9 Yeah, lots of flesh there. It's last me centuries right now only when I can think of his much or mantis Randy mantis He's tall. Oh not a human. He's like a man. So strong. Arnie. What are you like 8-7? No, I mean currently I'm real small but Under the sheet I'm Yeah, what small, but under the sheet, I'm...

Yeah, boy. What are we packing under the sheet? I think we under the sheet. Like above average, but you know, nothing crazy, like six four. Ooh, six four in the sheet. That's pretty tall. Yeah, six four is pretty tall. That's close to how tall are you in the streets?

In the streets, I'm all business. Sounds very small. Yeah, I mean, are you all interested in giants? Well, if I had to compromise something, I guess I could compromise height, though. That is the most attractive feature. That's very big of you. Very small of you, I guess.

Big, very small for me. So eight, nine, what other attributes or physicality? Somebody who reads so much materials But doesn't retain any information They read for the love of reading Well, I'm afraid that I would never make an appropriate mate for you then why not? I remember everything I eat even ask You've eaten us before oh you know it You know Sasha, I've got to ask.

I feel like I'm not fully understanding how you want to express this love for this other person. I want to eat their flesh. You want to eat their flesh. Okay, yeah, I thought it was. I thought it was. That's why I'm saying it's unhealthy for me, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want more do you want to know? Well, how long does it take? It's like how long does it take to eat this love one? Okay, well, I'm a bit of a eater of like small portions, so takes me a long time to do it, maybe two hours, two per centimeter of flesh. Oh, so you could still have a relationship with this person over a period of time. Exactly. The longer I eat you, the more I fall in love with you. Oh, and what point are they not alive anymore?

Do they die at the beginning of this relationship? Good question. Or is it like a slow process of dying? Well, because I'm eating at such a slow rate, their skin starts to regenerate naturally as flesh does. So for like a decade. Oh, wow. So you said you've been in love twice before?

Yes. And they died. But they didn't die from you eating them. If I may ask, how did they die? Oh. How died? Oh, well, okay. I cheated on them.

Oh. They died of a broken heart. Oh, dear. Move to them. How tragic. Yeah, literally not a broken heart? Yes. It was sort of Romeo and Juliet.

Uh-huh. Oh, Arnold, do you know the story of Romeo and Juliet? No, I don't. I'd like to hear a little bit of that. It's so tragic. Please tell it. In ages long past, Romeo was a beautiful young woman who fell in love with Giuliaught. And they together made art for Giuliaught, did what was in her name.

They made beautiful murals together. And then they were so excited when they were painting these murals, they painted themselves in the murals, and they asphyxiated because they put paint all over themselves. Yeah, and to be in Giulilliards was a very big deal. Not a lot of people get into Juilliards. Oh, well. So when Romeo got into Juilliards, it was like pretty big deal. Big deal.

Yeah, sure. So that's what happened with me. Uh-huh. Yeah. How tragic. So sad. So you're looking for eight foot nine and forgetful. Anything else?

Because we know it. We know a lot of people. Well, why didn't you bring them here? Where are they? Well, you see, a wild back. We were working from the town of Hogsface. And there, we committed a ruse. And we destroyed the entire town, trying to defeat the Dark Lord. And we barely escaped, and we helped everyone else escape. But, and this is interesting that you should bring this up.

I have heard that some of those people from Hogsface are setting up a new Hogsface. Oh yes we can. It does it that sometime. So maybe you can go to the new Hogsface and see some of the people we know there. Wait love to and the Dark Lord is the Dark Lord have flesh. Yes but it's necrotic and weird and it smells bad. And they're done that. Don't want to do it again. Yes. Oh, Ben, so you've already had like a relationship with the king person? Yes. It was a zombie like fellow.

Hated him, smelled like shoot. Smell like bad shoot. Smell like bad shoot. Yes, that's what I call my poops. Oh, oh, okay. All right. Huh. I would have said it smelled like shit.

Yeah, yeah, straight up. Yeah. But I don't, but that's, you're not, we're not living the same life. No, we're not. You're not a scared. That's very true. But I could be with my great magical powers. I shall transform mine, so you're into a scarer, here and now.

Rough, da, da, da, da, chfff! Sasha, how do you feel about those noises that Yusuf does making? I don't understand the link between them, and I'm not... You don't worry. I know that you expect I'm not Just talking I feel I feel it Did you sit on it? Well, he's got it away Well Chant I feel like that might be the last will ever see if you sit on yeah, it sounds about right. Yeah

Can I ask you a little bit about being a scarab Sasha? I asked a little bit about you being a gummy Sure Jay. Yeah, how about we'll trade question for question easy done. Okay, I'll go first You got a lot of legs. How's that how's that hard to find shoes? Oh, sure Yeah, because it's like enough to fit for each one. Do you are they all the same size? My two front legs are a little bit the bottoms are a little bigger So it's a little difficult to find good shoes, especially when I want to go dancing It's hard. It's really hard, but you know I go to this a sweet little place right down where I live right under a log It's so nice. They have the best pairs of shoes. They're made from moss, and so they can breathe to fit my feet.

That's fantastic. Isn't it great when you find a little place that's so convenient to where you live under a log that's just right there to get the stuff you need? Exactly. What brings you to the library? Well, sometimes I give up on searching for love, and so I like to read about them. Specifically, any and every detective novel has a great, great love story. Oh, so like most people in any library, you've given up on love and you're just there to read. Just read, read, read, read, read, read, read, and not retain any information.

Whoa! Oh, if you're reading a lot, would you like to use my poor overspills so the Dark Lord can't see you? Oooo, do you think that would protect me? Do we even need to be protected from the Dark Lord? Well, we must stop his prying eyes from looking into every corner of the media we consume and then taking our information and selling it. You know what, if I could help you in any way resurrect maybe your body into what's under

the sheet, but although you are very way, it resurrect maybe your body into what's under the sheet. But although you are very adorable, the way that you are, I think that I could take some of that energy from the Dark Lord. You think you could... I could use the energy, and I wouldn't mind exploding my little beetle body. What? What?

For the sake of resurrecting you into your own. Siphoning off some of the energy that it's Currently killing your body frozen in time. Uh-huh. You would do that for us. I would have given up on love I keep searching for it and every time I'm sorely disappointed So unless you can find me a eight-foot-nine Lover forever to eat upon their flesh. Well then I have no choice but to sacrifice my beetle body for resurrection of life. Well, we appreciate this sacrifice. And we must do it for it.

It is imperative that we save Arnie and get the obsidian blade from out his body. It's more important to get the city and blade than to save Arnie just to make that clear. Arnie, did you want to check yourself? Do I want to check myself? Yeah, before we resurrect yourself, did you want to check yourself? Do I want to check myself? Yeah, before we resurrect yourself, did you want to check yourself? Check myself? Just check your body to see if there's anything... Anything you want to see?

Hmm... I've just had a general rule most of my life. I don't like to look at my body too much. You know what I mean? I probably... You've just stood over a hand mirror? Not on purpose. Sasha, I am grateful for this boon, but I must admit, while I was scuttling about as a scarab, I met Tall Jim.

Tall Jim? He's gonna what? I met Tall Jim over in the stacks. Oh, I forgot about Tall Jim. That guy was like, what is he like, 8 foot 10, 8 foot 8? I can always read books, but whenever you ask him about them, he's like, I don't remember anything. Right.

Yes, he seemed like he might be the perfect mate for you. Take me to Tall Jim. He is if you'll come over here and join us Should we take a picture? Oh yeah, yeah, let's take a quick break We're never gonna see him again. Yeah, that's probably the last we ever see us at all. All right, well, we'll be right back. So Sasha, I'm a little worried about you. You seem so sad.

You seem to have kind of given up on the possibility of finding love in your life. I either go from one extreme to the other, just like veganism. Oh yeah. Oh so what do you like at the other extreme? Oh completely enamored. Completely and utterly enamored. I have you ever eaten a cake? Oh yeah. I've never eaten a cake but what I... You've never eaten a cake! I've never even been one set spike. Have you ever eaten a cake? Right, and Arnie's cake house.

I see. Interesting that you would choose that as a metaphor. But go on, I'm curious. I would imagine a cake feels gooey and soft and moist, very moist inside. That is what I feel inside when I'm completely enamored. I also doodle a little bit. When you're in love? Yes, so I do some hieroglyphics when I'm in enamored. I also doodle a little bit. When you're in love?

Yes, so I do some hieroglyphics when I'm in love, especially. What kind of stories do you like to do to hire glyphs, though? A lot of two animals humping each other. Oh, yeah. I would do a phase like that. That sounds like something chunder would love. Yeah, that describes my life.

Do you have any of your work on you, or has it been a while? Actually, I do. Would you like any of your work on you or is it just or actually? I do would you like to see a little bit? You so are your back sure you could see I've been back the whole time. Oh Jim's gonna be over here in just a minute. Oh, okay. He's finishing reading a book. He doesn't remember You know you saw I never noticed it, but we were talking about shoes earlier and I never noticed that your feet are all Birds you just wear birds on your feet all the time. Well, yes Of course, how else would I get around? It's just interesting. I

Well, I love birds. I was born of a conspiracy of rain and fire You said you said you said you said you said you said you said must be a champion to take both the Totem of you sir you sir. You sir. Nobody asked for a list. Oh, sorry. I'm friends with birds Okay, yeah, we believe you so sometimes it puts on my feet. Okay. You're screaming. We believe you okay Well, you brought it up. No, I just okay look there birds on my feet. Yeah, they look comfortable little breathable What do you want to burn on your foot? No, I'm just I just something I just never noticed was that all bird's thing? I think we've been in this library too long. Sasha, have um, sorry? You're pulling out your little I do it's so small. I don't know if you can read it if you want to if you want to transcribe

I if you want to okay, I'll read it I'm being animal Oh, it's the pictures are small and the words are small so she's reading it quite Yes, unless you'd like me to go bigger. I can um, I could actually transform it and enlarge it with Mackerel. Could you do that? Of course. Okay. What are the other options? Could you go home? You could go home, but we could go big. We could go big. We could go home I think we go big Go big go big we could go home To you I think we go big go big go big

Okay, okay great so animal big animal a husky animal 8 foot 9 animal Another animal smaller animal cute little animal very sexy animal nice shoes animal Kissing kissing kissing kissing poppin poppin, popper, popper, popper. It's like bee poetry, yeah. Yes, a, a, a, oh, clash, clash, clash, thunder storm, a, wow, blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip, those are little bubbles. Uh, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Sorry, that's not over here, say, hard, hard, hard. Oh, uh, let me introduce you, uh, big Jim, tall Jim. This is our friend Sasha the Scarab, and this of course is Arnie the Goo Goo Gummi Baby. Oh, look, Goo Goo Gummi Baby! And of course, you know Chant. Oh, Chant?

No need to reply? It's so nice to meet you. I'm sorry I don't have my good shoes on. I'm sorry that I forgot your name immediately. It's Sasha, it's okay. I'll repeat it every day that you need me to. I have to admit, right away, I very forgetful. That's so good.

Great quality. Thank's so good great quality Preferred quality honestly. Thank you. I feel a lot of sparks here. What do you think? Rye? I think Big Jim told you Or maybe why did you have to correct the one? I see I Seemed to have my name is that will some people or call me Rye, but you know, I'm, please just call me Arnie or gummy baby. Or Arnie's Rye, but not all Ryes are Arnie.

Hmm, I guess so. Works for me. I think, I don't know if it's worth explaining things to Big Tall Jim because he has no short-term memory. Or Tall Big Jim. Or, or, or. Other one? Yeah, all he, yeah. Doesn't matter. Big, big Jim. Or, or. Other one? Yeah. All he, yeah.

Doesn't matter. Big and tall Jim. Yes. I think at that size, he's had his head a lot. I think he's got has like massive. Sorry to interject, Sasha, I just want to say, I love that you called me Big and tall Jim. Yes.

Not many people understand what it's like to be big and tall. Well, Arnie used to be big and tall. He was six foot four. Two? Yeah, I know. You can say be big and tall. Well, Arnie used to be big and tall. He was six foot four. Two? Yeah, I know. You could say that big and tall? I know it's not as big and tall as you, but it's, you know, it's like, it's kind of right there on the cusp.

Like, I can get clothes. Oh man, oh man, you're not B&T. Don't act like you're B&T, you're not B&T. Okay. Sasha, back to you. Yes. What's going on here? What is your makeup? What is this? Well, well, back to you. Yes. What's going on here? What is your makeup?

What is this? Well, well, I put on a bit of glitter eyeliner here. Oh, smokey. Thank you. You've noticed. You know how to blend? Yeah, I've not had a blender. I mean, I forget a lot of it, but I know how to blend.

Oh, I've blended my eyeliner with my shadow to make my eyes more attractive because they are small tiny little beetle eyes. Stating, dang, it's working! Oh, okay. Jim, did you notice how beautiful Sasha's character is since? Who's Jim? You, tall Jim. Okay, now that makes sense.

Tall Jim, have you noticed how beautiful Sasha's... Can I make something clear? Maybe I'm being a bit of a- Sorry? Reckless here? No problem. Either tall big Jim or big tall Jim. Aking time. Jim can go fuck itself.

My-my apologies. Look, I have birds on my feet, alright? Okay. Big tall Jim. Weird flex, but okay. Did you notice how beautiful Sasha's carapaces? Yeah, it is. Yes. Very much so. That's all I can notice.

Do you think I could have been turned into a pendant or a ring or a piece of jewelry? Did you notice how beautiful Sasha's carapaces? Yes, yes. Very much so. That's all I can notice. Do you think I could have been turned into a pendant or a ring or a piece of jewelry? Yeah, he is not. Do you think I'm that beautiful? Yeah, I'd wear you. I'd gift you. Ah. Gift you my heart?

Oh, do you know what bloops are? What bloops are? Is that when someone's playing mittens, they like fall down, or get hit in the nuts? I don't think it's like a bad shot. Bloop? Oh, like a shit. Bloops to me are bubbles. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. That's how I feel. Yeah, I feel a tool. I feel bubbles. Just blooping up inside. Blooping gets hard by chest at heart. Oh, my God. I think you've done it.

You said or I think you've done it. I have. I have played matchmaker today and I have created a perfect union of two souls. That's a light the universe on fire. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry. I'm Big and Tall and I need you to know that the way my kind work is that you've talked to me. We found a connection but there are two other Big and tall gentlemen in the wings waiting to be talked to. Oh. You must talk to them as well and then make your decision. Okay. Is that some fair?

That sounds plain to me. I also will need a skin sample. Sure thing. Oh wow. He took a big slice off of himself. The slice is right. Hey, I'm big and tall done. Next. Okay. No, no, I get it. It's fine. Well, so long everyone. It's, I get it. It's why it doesn't match in sucks. Yes, that didn't work it for me for me at all. Yeah. Oh, I guess here comes the third one. Hey, I'm huge Brad. Oh I don't I'm huge look. I know he seems attractive, but I'm getting a vibe that's very douchey. I don't know. I can't tell I can't look huge, Brad. Oh, yeah., huge Brad. Look what I could do with my packs. That is a lot of skin on those pectorials.

Yeah. Tell me, uh, what, what's your favorite book to forget? Um, the Seven Habits of Huge People. What's your love language habit? What's my love language habit? Um, gifts? Oh, would you gift me a piece of your skin to sample right now? I'm so huge here, have my arm. Oh, dude.

Whoa, she downed that arm. Oh, she told us before. I thought the word took two hours for her. How do you know? Hold on, wait a second, hold on. Yeah. Yeah. Fine. I'm five people in a skin suit.

Yeah, I'm five. Five people in a skin suit. Oh. That fell apart so fast. No. Do you know what's going to happen to my bowels? If that was real skin? What?

A bad shoot? You going to shoot your pants? Oh. A bad shoot? Oh. You guys shoot your pants? I mean, a shoot. I'm going to shoot. Oh, you're right. I'm right.

Oh, oh, oh. Is there anything I can do to help? Please get me a piece of paper from a book. Yeah. There you go. That was reading that book. Oh. Oh. Oh, OK. There you go. That was reading that book. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Okay.

You doing okay? Here's some water, I found some water for you. Oh, thank you so much. I thought it was real. You lied to me. You said, oh, you lied to me. Well, I didn't know. I didn't know did you check the front of his body

for a zipper? Yes, I thought he was just wearing a weird suit. Uh-huh. And I was right. But I thought he was just wearing a weird suit. Huh? And I was right. But I didn't know it was a skin suit filled with people. I thought it was a regular suit filled with one person. Yeah. Oh, so sure.

Sasha, I'm so, so sorry. Brad's still here, though. I'm huge. And I could go get done. We could give Don a second shot. You want to give Don a second shot? I'll give Don a second shot. Yes. I should go get done. Yeah, go get done we could give don't you want to get done second? Yes, I should go get done. Yeah, go get done. All right. I'll go get done Yeah, let's see if don't care remember his voice

Hello, they said I should come back over here Hi, don't tell me about yourself. I guess well, I like to look at picture books and then forget what the pictures are. My favorite pictures when I see them though are pictures of animals doing it with other animals. Oh my god. Nothing, there's nothing there. Yeah, although. Wait, I don't know. It's, uh-oh, I don't feel bloops, but I feel something else.

Um, what is this? Uh-oh, it feels a lot like settling. No, I can't. I can't. No. Sasha, you were a heartbeat away from just letting yourself be exploded. Settling to me is worse than exploding. Oh, well, I'm a manager at a tannery.

I've heard that so many times. I make the first thing. I make a good living, and I have a nice house. If you'd like to come live with me. I guess the only thing left to do is ask for a skin sample. Here you go. Oh. Yeah?

How's the skin taste? The skin taste. I've been told it's a lot like boiled potato Still saying in my mouth. I can't digest it. Hold up Uh oh Blue blue blue Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, same new flesh. Sasha, hear me out. Maybe you don't find Don interesting or intellectually challenging, but maybe you could just have a purely physical relationship with him where you eat him slowly over time. Yes, if you consider that.

But I always wanted the unhealthy love, but you consider that unhealthy? Oh, well, I don't know. I've just been looking for a stepmom for my three kids. Oh, yikes. Feelbreaker? Um, no. She, no, no, don't make assumptions. Maybe she's okay with eating three kids, too. Honestly, skin is skinned, and I feel bad for saying that. No, I think Arnie, something we should get straight on the podcast skin is skinned.

Skinned skinned skinned skinned. I don't know, three kids, a house. Who is getting down on one knee? podcast skin is skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin skin Also, I think my voice changed. Brad, Brad. What's going on with your voice? Brad's not looking so good. He's lost a lot of blood. Let me do this. Let me eat Brad right now. And if I'm still hungry later, I'll consider marrying Don. Oh boy. I can't wait.

Come on, I'm settled down. Oh, well, she is really devouring that entire body very quickly. Guys, I'm starting to get the feeling that Sasha lied about how long it takes for her to eat some blood. Yeah, two hours per centimeter. I think that's just like her ideal eat time. Yeah. But it seems like she can really put it away. Yeah. Well, all right. Cats out the bag, I guess. I say cat because we're from him. Where are you from?

The land of sand. And, well... I lied about being a vegan! Oh, that's alright! I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it!

I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it! I know it!

I know it! I know it! I know it! I know still... I don't know. I'm confused about you, Don. I'm not convinced yet. I am still hungry, but... Well, well, maybe we could just go out a few times and get to know one another. I think I'd rather help Arnie. Oh, okay. Wow. Goku? Can I just say something? What was your name again? Don. Big tall Don or just Don?

Big Don. Big Don. Big Don, can I just say, I feel for you because this lovely creature here would rather help a dead body be with you. Does that make sense? Yep, no, it does make sense. Just really let that sink in. I don't want you to walk out of here

with your head held high. Look, no. Don, it's not you. Oh, it is me, it's always me. That's all right. Oh, it's always you? Yeah, how did you lose you have three kids? Not even kids stepkids. So what happened with your last partner? Oh, well

I've been married three times and every time they tried to kill me because they were so bored and they had a kid with another Person and left the kid with me After they killed themselves. Oh, you big old fucking cock. Man, you are. Gotta go, goodbye. Good night. Good night, son. Well, he had a good run. Don't you think?

Yeah, I mean, for a minute there, it seemed like it was gonna work out, but... I hope he didn't mad at me. I hope he didn't work too hard to get these bachelors for me. He just saw the next room. Yeah, the fountain around the corner. Oh, great good. We did the least amount of work possible. I just spent so much time here, I've never seen any. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong spaces. The next room. We found them around the court. We did the least amount of work.

I just spent so much time here I've never seen any. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong spaces. Well, you have to just keep looking. That's the important thing. Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. You know what? I need some beetle juice. But you like some.

Oh, don't say it three times. Beetle juice? Don't say it three times. What happens if I say it again? Mm-hmm. He'll appear. Oh, who will appear? Here. One for you. One for you. And a Beetleges for you.

Oh, okay. Well... You don't want it? You'll get it, you're in. Whoa! Waaaah! Maw! Wow, it was showtime for a few seconds at least. Yeah.

Well, if you don't mind, would you consume part of Arnold's Showtime for a few seconds at least. I don't think that's fair. I don't- You know what's- You know what's killing me- Do you know what's killed me already? What? Not finding love. But, I mean, like we found three options for you already, and hey, it's all right that none of them were right. It's not all right. I know you think I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. You know what, Sasha? Sometimes, before you're ready, to find someone to eat, you have to be okay with eating yourself.

I thought that was gonna make more sense. No, I think it's a good one. You look like what I'm saying is, maybe you gotta spend some time with Sasha. I've never thought of that. No, I do like when I'm spending time alone drawing my hero glyphics. Hero glyphics.

Yeah, that works. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh. You're right, you're right, you're right. Can you live with me in this library? Can I live with you?

Oh, you know. Or are you actually settling for you? No, no, no, hey. Also, hey guys, just a second, hey, can you excuse us a second, Sasha? Uh-oh. You said I'm a child. Yes. You know, I feel like, and I'm not certain about this, but I feel like there's some chance

that Sasha just lies a lot, and that at any opportunity she's going to totally eat whatever human flesh she can come in contact with. She says that she can fix me, and maybe she can, and I would love that, although I don't love the idea of her killing herself to do it. But there's also a very good chance she would just eat me and scuttle away. Right? That's not just a me thing. I'm not like making that up in my head. Well, but that's a scarab. They have powers of life and resurrection. She said it would make her explode from eating you, help bring you back to life, up in my head. Well, but that's a scarab. They have powers of life and resurrection.

She said it would make her explode from eating you, help bring you back to life, and then I'm sure of a time she would find a way to coalesce again and become a living being. So you don't need to worry about her, if you're worried about her. But if you're worried about you, well, guys, guys, guys. We stopped whispering a little while ago. What? Oh, we've been talking very loud. Hey, Sasha. So far.

Son of a bish. Oh, sorry, we didn't move away. Damn, we should have moved away. No, it's fine. Just leaned a little bit to the side. How dare you think that I'm a liar. I'll prove to you right now. I'll eat your skin right now.

No, no, that's a really good thing. I'll eat it all up right now. That's a really good thing. And then I'll leave. I'll explode on my own now. No, I know, that's the proof. I'll eat it all up right now. And then I'll leave. I'll explode on my own if you'd like that. We've also caught you and you've admitted to lying a few times already. Like, well, why don't we just give it a shot? No, you said, or I'm not like you.

I can't just come back to life eventually. I wouldn't let anything terrible happen to you. I believe this skirif has the power to assist you. I do. Just let me eat your skin. Just let her eat your skin. Just let her eat your skin. Chandle, what are you? Look, I've got birds on my feet. I still don't understand what that's all about. In the name of love.

Just one bite in the name of love? Arnie, I'm with her. Okay, fine, fine. I get, you're right. I need to be more trusting. And I know I get it easy to get really close to her. I'm with her. Okay, fine, fine, I get, you're right, I need to be, I need to be more trusting, and I know I get easy to get really paranoid after a necromancer,

stabs you in the chest with a magic sword, but I gotta believe the good things can happen, so. You've made the right choice. And Sasha, did you want to bite out of Google Gummy or Arnie's dead body? Arnie's dead body. Okay, but just like a little bite. It's right under this blanket.

Oh my. We should really put that sheet back on. That blanket's really starting to accumulate some heat underneath. Oh, yeah. We just went back to a sheet. Yeah, but it's just starting to get real damn. Wow. I'll get the sheet.

She's really just like rubbing her hands together. She's got a fork and knife and each mandible. How was he? I want more! I want more! How you promised you would help bring him back to life? I'm too late, I'm a liar. By giving him enough resurrection power?

No, I can't. I don't want to give you anything. You have nothing to give to me. You didn't give me love. You didn't give me anything. And you expect me to return. Give you life. Then you face the power of a wizard.

The wrath of a wizard undone. No. Karaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaakhaaak Come on, come on, come on! Bloop! She blooped. I sent her away. She's fine. Okay, she's far away from here where she can't hurt you. Oh, it's like dance house. Oh, I should have sent her to dance house.

Maybe you did. Maybe I did? Did you? Does Don live in the land of sand? Well, I don't, I'd not show where Don's from, and I'm not sure where she went. I just know she's far away. Wow.

Can you fix the fact that she chewed two of my toes off? Probably, eventually. I don't walk much anyway, so. But look, look at the power coursing through your foot even now, where she bit into you there is life returning to this body. Oh, it'll take a little time. Oh, I'm sure we'll get there soon. Arnie, look at that, back to life, back this body. Oh, it'll take a little time. Oh, I'm sure we'll get there soon. Arnie, look at that back to life, back to reality.

Wow. Okay. Great. Hey, did that, um, the big tall gym kind of sound like Drew? I was thinking that, but I just want to say that name. Yeah. Well, you said, or, I guess I'm still in this gummy, but you think before too long my my body will be ready For me to go back in there's no way to say it doesn't sound weird. I mean you already said gummy, but so I try to fight my

Did I say gummy, but you said I'm still in this gummy, but oh yeah well I think with a few more spells and incantations and Transses and and rituals will be able to get your essence back into that body. Lickety split with The sword removed and you living just like you did before. Oh, that's good. Probably only like seven to twelve incantations Originals speaking of rituals isn't it time to read some email? Oh, yes, the most powerful ritual of all. Wait, can the Dark Lord see us through the emails?

I don't know. Of course you can email me at chun.itgmail.com, that's Chantla60s. I have one here, this is from Robert Wagner, says Chant, please. The actor? Huh? Never mind. Do you store what's created for the sole purpose

to destroy the Dark Lord? Oh, so it's to me, but it's for you, so if you don't mind. Okay. You store what's created for the sole purpose to destroy the Dark Lord. Oh, so it's to me, but it's for you soar if you don't mind. Okay. You soar was created for the sole purpose to destroy the Dark Lord, but he has been around for 300 years. My question is, what did he accomplish towards that task prior to Arnie's arrival? Yeah, baby, Robert Wagner. Well, I would take issue with a sole purpose. I have many purposes. I'm friends to birds. That's like a 300 year project.

Well, I've done lots of things. I've often come to this very library looking for secret and arching knowledge to help me in this battle. Okay, that's maybe 28 years, 30 years. What about the other 70? Talked to a lot of different kingdoms and warriors and try to get people to help me in the quest. Look, look, look, look, I have a long-term plan. I know how it's all going to work out and I'm not worried about a thing. If this Robert Wagonier, this master of wagons,

which is to throw shade at me, then fine! What is he accomplished in his life? It doesn't say an email. Well then he can fuck off Wow, all right, are you do you get emails? Yeah, but I don't know you said I didn't respond very well to that last one I think no read another one Hmm, I just were I mean I can you know I'm very nice listeners who just have questions that are on their mind I just don't want to look. I'm very busy. I'm doing all same... Fair. Very nice listeners who just have questions that are on their mind. I just don't want to. Look, I'm very busy. I'm doing all sorts of things.

Between the weeks that we record the show, I go off to the lands and I meet people and I'm putting together a coalition of forces and learning arcane, mystical things to help me defeat the Dark Lord. And I've been doing that for 300 years. I'm sorry you think it should happen faster, but it just doesn't. Arnie, Arnie. Um, we in this way. Yeah, okay. Does it feel like you source a little more prickly today than normal?

I can hear you just fine. Oh, sorry, yeah. I'll just talk to her later. Does it feel like you source, does it feel like you're a little more prickly today than normal? Perhaps just a little bit? Yes. Everything okay? What's going on, buddy?

Well, you know, it's just that... I do want to defeat the Dark Lord, and I know it has taken a long time. Robert, I'm sorry I'd lashed out at you. You, Master of Wagon's, continue on, you bright star, and I shall always have your back, for you are one of my great supporters, and I shall support the inkind! Oh, okay. I guess... I guess he is doing okay. Yeah, this is a quick resolve.

Yeah. Oh, okay. I guess I guess he is doing okay. Yeah, this is a quick resolve. Yeah. Oh nice cry. We've been in this library too long. God, this is what if I do it with my life more cookbooks. Little? Yeah? We got it. As far as the rush of well-executed entertainment, I guess I'm little high as well. Who were the voices you heard questioning each of the choices in this week's episode? Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Sasha the Scarab was played by special guest Yasmin Ramos. Yasmin performs with Matt Damon Improv and Holy Fuck Comedy Hour at the Innoience Theater and with true bangers at Io Chicago. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai,

post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf Producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Sage GC, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. This week, that meant gathering up all the flyers and promotional postcards that had gathered by the studio mailbox and walking them the eight steps to the recycling

bin. Then he caught the attention of the entire staff and shouted, don't worry about the junk mail everyone, it's taken care of. And a lot of us exchanged glances like, what is he talking about? And then Kimmy Lucas gives us a face like, let him have this. And she's with Airwolf, so it's not like we're going to argue with Kimmy. Anyway, great job, Ryan. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Oops, I see another promotional flyer just came through the mail slot. Looks like we'll need some specialists. Oh, he's asleep. On a pile of coats. Adorable. Well, I'm home. Where have you been all day? Well, I was at the tannery managing.

Yeah, well, you said you were going to be home by 6, and it's 6.30. I'm sorry, we got an extra big order in. Sure, sure, sure. Well, I had to eat one of the kids. That's okay. Hey, Don! Yeah? Where are my fucking socks? I don't know. Fuck you.

Fair enough. You can't let him talk to you like that. Oh sure I can. No, you can't. All right. You can't do it. You're right. Be more.

Be more. Be taller. Be bigger. Be taller? Oh my god. I'm gonna go to the kitchen and get some juice. No, wait. What? You're right. Are you bigger? I'm gonna go to the kitchen and get some juice. No, wait. What?

You're right. I'll be taller and bigger. Taller and bigger, the biggest dog they've ever seen. Who's that? You fucking cock. Oh, okay. Everything I want, everything I want, is your love.

Oh, my god. We're love