Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 27 - Flower Parts

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Flower is back to…do…whatever it is that Flower does. Meanwhile, the Dark Lord’s plot comes to light…CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFlower: Brooke BreitMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You're semi-friendly authoritative voice. Here in a secret government facility, keeping an eye on the security cameras, because I've just ordered both Grubhub and Uber Eats, and I'm told when they encounter each other in the wild, they fight to the death. Quick question. If you had an entire magical land to explore, filled with impossible delights and spine-cracking danger, how much time would you spend in one library? 11 episodes in counting?

Follow up question. When do we rename this hello from the library? Ooh! Both delivery people just arrived at the door. And they're sharing a cigarette and eating both my grilled cheeses. What a bland and disappointing outcome. And there's no better segue to this week's episode. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Arne and you, Gummo. Gummo? It's got a fun name. I guess so, but you know what? I feel like I am so close to being back in my body. And at the right now, you're in a gummy body. Yeah, so Gummo is at her poop.

Okay, sure. But like you said, my body has been glowing for a day and a half now. So it's about ready for me. You keep putting it up. Like isn't it ready for me to hop out of this gummy body for new listeners? You're fucked. I can't explain what's going on. Finally, that's the intro. I just go back and listen to the episodes that came before this. They explain everything.

Can we start just doing that? I'm off for the magic time. You're fucked. And then you start, oh Arnie, you really stumbled onto something. All you need to know is that I was stabbed with a magical sword and my essence has been hopped into this tiny little gummy baby and we seem to have figured out a way to hop me back into my body. Well, you're really slipping in the word hop a bunch, huh? You know, it's gonna be very active, I think.

Arnie, can I tell you something you used to ornite were talking about? It's comeo. Gamo, I'm sorry, you're right. Gamo, can I tell you something you used to ornite were talking about? Sure. You used to ornite had a thought that maybe whoever can pull the sword out of your body, your real

body, can become the one true Arnie. Yes, but finally imagine the title. Be in-handed down to one more worthy. Well, here I'll go first. No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, can we pull this sword, like we've been leaving this sword in? What happens if he pulls the sword out? Right now. No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Grouchy such a groucho groucho gummo zippo. Oh, I don't want to be zippo you are zippo come on It's not fair and we're having a night at the library You know I've got to say this library seems really big. Oh, it's yes

What's a major observations over here? What was that Arnie? We haven't talked about it But this library is really Merit. Merit is so large how large is it? It's so large that it contains What stores and inns and taverns Tannery's bakeries, so everything you would find in a town exist inside of the library. Fakeries even Fakeries? Yeah, I thought I was going to the bakery. Is it a fakery?

Oh. Yes. Still cardboard cut out of delicious treats, and you go in and you try to eat them, and then they laugh at you. Oh. And then you have to pay them. Oh no.

It's a service. Those fake treats are actually more expensive than real ones. Yeah, you do have to pay because technically you've been served. Yeah, that's true. Have you found anything else in a library, Arnie? Have you been looking around? Any fun books?

You know what, I've been trying to get around, but I'm very small and I'm made of gummy candy. I'm kind of sticky and honestly, like I've got so much dirt and crap on me now. Like, it's hard to get, I basically just hit under this table for a lot of the week. You're covered in cat hair. I am nasty. I have not seen a lot of the week. You're covered in cat hair. I am.

I have not seen a cat since we've gotten in this library, so I don't know where this cat hair came from. Well, it's a very large library, so there are all sorts of creatures who come through here. It may not be cat hair, could be yak hair, could be. Could be, what else could be? That's not a cat hair. Dog hair.

Cat hair. Could be cat hair. Could be ostr what else could be? That's not a hair. Dog hair. Cat hair. Could be cat hair. Could be, uh, ostrich feathers. Cat hair. Could be peobs. You're both so certain it's cat hair. No, no, I'm just thinking of new ones. Cat hair.

Noof. Well, anyway, I've come up with a final ritual to put you back into your body. Oh, final. We did it. We did it. What do we have to do is bury your real body. More?

What's this? Serious in the ground. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, we'll bury it in the ground. We'll put a stone over it so that you can't get out and maybe, I don't know, maybe sing a song or something and put some flowers on it so that it looks... I'm lying or we're up to some I know, I'm not acting some.

Oh, oh, oh. Singing of flowers. Flower! The talking flower. Where would you guys say that you wanted to bury Arnie? And it was like my ears started to tickle in. And you don't even have ears as far as I can tell. I've walked up, I know.

What are you here through? How the hell? What do I hear through? What are you here through, asshole? Fair enough. No, not his asshole. He does have ears. Yes, true. Although now that I'm in this gummy, I don't know what do I hear through? What are you hear through asshole? Fair enough. No, not his asshole. He does have ears Yes, too. Although now that I'm in this gummy, I don't know what do I hear through vibrations? Maybe it's vibrations gum. Maybe it's gum

Cat hair. Maybe it's cat hair. I think it is cat hair actually. No, I'm just saying the thing on me I think it's cat hair. I haven't seen a cat. I think it's Kat here Flower, how did you get into the library? You just popped up out of the ground We haven't seen you since hogs face was destroyed. Yeah, I've been here for a while I thought, you know, I just took me a while to get here Just hitchhiked the whole way from Hoping on people's backs People care me make events in M-Tradin favors People care me, make events in M-Traden favors. Oh.

And then I got here and I thought, I almost stayed at the Cypress. I worked briefly, we're on in the roller coaster. I was at the Corn Dog stand. There's a roller coaster in the Cypress? It's a three. It's a very big library. Three roller coasters?

Yeah, three roller coasters. I worked, I worked the one that was based on a sponge circle pizza pants. Sponch circle pizza pants. You know you guys know my crazy you know a sponge circle pizza pants right? Of course. Absolutely. I've never heard of sponge circle pizza pants. It's a real fun kid show.

It's about this sponge that is a circle and also has pizza for pants. Huh. Pretty much it. Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's very clever and enjoyable for adults as well as children to go see. They tour all the food and tell their tales of spun-circle pizza pants. And the best part about it is that when they tell these tales, they check in with all the children to make sure that they're they're ready for it. They don't start unless every single kid is ready. That's right. You should never show a child something unless you're ready. Yeah. Anytime you're gonna read a children's book you're gonna show them anything you have to say are we ready kids? Oh, how do and they have to

verbally say yes. Okay. How do they know they're ready? I guess it's just like a gut feeling. They always say yes Well flower, I know this is a little strange to be seeing me. I'm gonna a Gummy candy body right now. Is it weird that I don't fucking care? Is it kind of weird that I see this and I'm like seems fine? Don't care. Do we get to bury you? Did seem to phase you at all. No, no, I mean, honestly, so before I came here, I was attacked.

Oh. I was attacked by a wolf. Oh, telling me this wolf is an I shall strike it down. It was a piece of mail. Oh, yeah. Should have been my goddamn house. A wolf with bat wings, I sent her some mail. Oh.

So I just kind of had to get out of my house for a while, so that's why I came here, I was like, game and stuff, and promised new location, just shake it off, you know, so I came here, being here for a while, see you. You look fucked up and it makes me feel good. Yeah, you know what, it's a common story. I'm getting too much mail, I gotta go live in the library.

Brimless. Well, yes, I have discovered though, that if we bury Arnie into the ground, the magical rituals that I have done in the last week, including the bite from the magical scarab, shall bring his real body back to life. So we got, we get to bury this Arnie in the ground or the other body.

The big one there under the sheet. Can we also bury this shit? No, hey, what? I would have to imagine that once I'm back into my body, we can eat this gummy. Although it's covered in crap. Yeah, I think I'm good. I think this is a coin. Well, actually, once the other body is alive, but without your essence or soul or whatever you want to call it,

then you will eat this body. I will? No. This body? body is alive, but without your essence or soul or whatever you want to call it, then you will eat this body. I will. This body? Yeah, that's how you get back inside. I pointed to myself and now my finger is stuck to my chest. Yeah. Oh.

Well, it's so sticky. Enjoy eating that cat hair that you're sure is cat hair. Oh, well, maybe I like it. Maybe I like cat hair. For our, since we're about to put Arning under the ground, you were once a seed, I'm sure. What's it like? What's it like under the ground? Okay, so I don't know how it works for other kinds of babies,

but you don't remember a lot of shit from that time. You kind of carry some feelings with you, like you feel a part of the Earth. Well, it's not like you remember it. I mean, do you remember being a baby? Parts. What, do you remember being a baby? The parts. What parts do you remember?

Sun, bright, sky big. Mom loved that, Bob. I woke up fully formed as an amazing wizard, ready to take on evil. So I remember all of it. So far, maybe you don't remember your seedling hood if I'm saying that term right. But when you go back into a pot,

you're typically soiled yourself. So what is it like to just be in soil? When I soil myself, my first thought is regret. Sure. Just immediately shame, regret, sadness. And then once you become okay with it, and you realize you're sitting in your own soil, you're like, just fine.

Yeah, man, that's like, well, here I am, put down your roots in the soil. This is part of me too. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't give a fuck anymore. I just want to throw Arnie into something. That's all I'm asking for is like the chance to just do that, make amends from years of some shit.

Oh, you're going to make amends? You threw me off a goddamn cliff. Oh, I see. I somehow thought you were gonna apologize to him. No, no, no, no. Okay. Me doing a violent action. Cancel's out in early, or violent action. Hmm.

Violence solves violence. An eye for an eye. Mm-hmm. But she doesn't have any eyes. Nope. She's a flower. Okay, well, pedal for a pedal. A pedal for an eye.

What is the conversion rate from flower to human body? Yeah, are pedals like your hair or pedals like your arms? I don't think you can like... Well, first of all, we've established it on a goddamn user's eyes. So that's fascinating to me. What I'm saying like a one and a one. Well, I don't think you could pair the two things together because it's sort of like, I mean, there's just pedals.

It's not hair. It's not I guess if it was anything it's pubes And on your head. Those are my head in what in flowers defense In flowers defense. Stay with this way is your nose your statement What's a statement? We flower help me out here. What does a statement do? The statement is, it's statement goes into the pistol, the pistol goes into the Volvo. The Volvo. Yeah, the Volvo. Yes, the way flowers

procreate. Piston, piston. Piston, statement. Volvo. Okay. Those are the three main parts of a flower. So your, your, your, it's the most reliable part of me is the Volvo. Sure, I, yeah.

Last year for years. Sounds foreign to me. Yeah. If you wreck that, you'll be fine. We'll be fine. And that's like a family body part, right? Yeah. All this time, we've been talking to your pubes.

I just think you don't need to overthink it. I just think it is what it is. Sometimes up is down, sometimes down is up. Here we are. When can I throw your body? Well, Flawa, I'm very glad you're here, because you can assist us with this. Okay.

And another task we have here, Chant. I brought these last few books for Bitten with this. Okay. And another task we have here, Chant. I brought these last few books in the forbidden section. Ooh. The must continue to look for the pages of the Book of Site. Here, Flower, will you help me look through this book? Yeah, I try again in the forbidden section, but they wouldn't let me in there.

You need an ID. That's right. I don't have any form of identification. I say, give me this one. Are these dirty books? And they're not dirty. No, they're filled with arcane, evil, mystical knowledge. Look at this one, a spell for Owen Meanie.

Oh, it's very big. Here, now as we flip through these tomes, we'll just find this page that will help us finally unravel the mystery of the pages of the book of sight. I feel plot resolution is all in the horizon. Hey, don't we just page them a little bit? I'm still reading that book. Okay, just say when. Hey, hold on, you're both reading the same book.

Yeah. Okay, we're sharing. Oh, okay. So we, one of you's re- When. Okay. So far, where can you see the words out of? Out of my eyes.

And those are... On my face? Your face is... My body, my rules. Oh, yeah. No. Fair. She got you there.

Speaking of, here's another book. The Cider House, My Body, My Rules. Oh, wow. Sorry, you're starting to read your book with Fowler. Oh, yes. Well, I've been reading it while you were talking about Fawar body parts. I didn't mind, they just also don't have good answers. Oh here it is. Inside here, there's a loose page that's been folded up. Yes! This is it. Another page to the book of sight.

Wow! We found it! Did it, oh, did it, did it, did it, did it, dance in time. Look at that gumbo baby bounce. Look at that gumbo baby bounce. Let me get the other one. That's the bounce, baby bounce. That's what you need in this sticky trail wherever you go. Ah, I'm missing a piece. That's not different.

Did you say for you to talk? Oh no. Yeah? I have terrible news. Uh-oh. But good terrible news? No. have terrible news. Uh-oh, but good terrible news. No great terrible news Great in the sense of grandeur. Yes, give us bad news first. There is only bad news from well. I worked out Can you make up some good news? Yeah?

Make up some good news. Yes, of course. I have decipher the pages and what I have learned is to decipher the pages and what I have learned is oh wait wait wait was deciphering the pages the goodness? no no okay the beginning of the bad news not away the bad news isn't even done yet? no not yet the day was a good news now he's going to start with the bad news and then he's going to like spice it up with something good again should we at least vote on whether we want the good news first or the good news yeah let's go ahead up uh chan votes good news first or the good news? Yeah, let's go. I got it. I got it. I got it. You're out. Sean votes good news first.

I have all bad news. All bad news? Yeah. You know what? I like to have good news after because I feel like it takes away the sting of the bad news. How about we do? Let's compromise. Yes.

Before you deliver the bad news, give us a mediocre question. Okay. Um, bottled. How have you been? That's comeo. Great. Great, uh, now the bad news. The bad news, high of deciphered these pages of the book of sight. And I have learned part of the Dark Lord's plan.

Definitely that would be helpful. Feels like good news. Yeah. He has found a way to cheat the true death. If we to take the obsidian blade and and strike down some wizards such as mine self or Genelevia or or unis they would die permanent death from that terrible blade But he has found a way If that body dies to still take his mind and his power and put it into a new body Taking all the power he had before with him. Oh, fuck. Who is Eunice?

Eunice, that crew? Mm-hmm. One of the wizards. One of the wizards? I used to have a crush on a sort of a crunchy girl like me. Oh, yeah. She's pretty accessible as far as wizards go. Like, she's pretty down to earth. Yeah, really. She's a little pretentious, but also she's very like She wants to talk to everybody and be part of things. She was a lot of like knit tops. Overstays are welcome in a conversation.

Got it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. We get a lot of that. So this means even with the obsidian blade, we won't be able to destroy the dock load. So we're fucked. We're fucked. Oh, well, well, there's our other thing. Use said, or, and now the good news. Oh, yeah, all right. The good news is that why are you looking around the room? Ah, the good news is that you're going to

use something from around the room. Yeah, you're going to say the good news is candle bookshelf floor. I've got to say way he used it our free pass to one of the rollercoasters. I think that's pretty good. So are you tall enough to write the rollercoaster? Oh fuck no. I would have a trench coat though. I always convinced I'm asshole to get under me. Oh I was gonna say do you go to the top of anyone or just wear a big trench coat. No I wear a big trench coat and it just drags behind and I'm like, my legs don't work. Oh, I thought you were like, I'm not tall enough,

but look at this trench coat. And people go, it's a pretty nice trench coat. This person knows what they're doing. I'm like, the trench coat lead the conversation. You show me a big trench coat and you just let people take you where they will. And their first question is, do your legs work? I'm like, no, please help me.

I want to ride this ride. And they're like, cool trench coat, I'm like, peace, get on the ride. So you should, or the dark Lord might try and get inside Arnie's body, is that what you're saying? Not if we bury Arnie's body in the ground and put Arnie back in there immediately. Yet the one thing I haven't figured out,

I didn't want to tell you this, it's more bad news. Two bad news, could he just made the first news long bad news? I suppose so bad news. Uh huh. Too bad, isn't it? Could you just made the first news long bad news? I suppose so, but... This sucks. You'll be alive and in your own body once again. That's good news. That's good.

But the sword won't come out. Oh, what do you mean? The sword won't come out. You'll still have a sword inside of you and if we pull the sword out to use it, you'll begin dying again. I know. Like, in the way that we sort of had a limited amount of time to use the sword before you die. But you'll gladly sacrifice your life to defeat evil, right?

I don't know about that. Especially when we just found out that the Dark Lord can just hop into a different body. Well, we love the word hop today. Hop. Hop is a good word, right? Yeah, that's it. Okay, we're come on. Runnies do it. But I have some idea. We've a way to stop the Dark Lord's plan. Oh, a good idea. The shunts shed just yet. Oh, fuck. I must confer with the other wizards first. Okay. I drew a dick on your face.

Which one? The big one. The big dick? Big dick, but on which face? Well, I mean there are two of them right now. I drew a medium sized penis on your big face. Oh, yeah. Arnie, can you feel it when I poke your feet? It tickles a little bit.

Oh, that's a good sign. Oh boy, there's a rat chewing on my gummy foot. Get out of here. Well then, let us begin this ritual as soon as we take a break. Okay, I am excited to get back in my body. Anybody want corn dogs? Oh yeah, it's get corn dogs first.

Oh yeah. And we're back and we're about to perform the ritual. Can I just say that roller coaster was exhilarated? It was pretty cool. Thank you for sneaking me under the roller coaster, even though I was too small and did not have a trench coat. You flew off immediately. I did. But you bounced back?

I know. I'm glad it all worked out. And now, we are about to begin the ritual. Here I have done a place in the dirt to put this body of Arnees and now we lay him down to rest So that he may wake again and be amongst the living When are he eyes are smiling? Start covering this body. Oh, this is very dirt and settling

There's not like a wake I go wrong and I'll just be done No, I think it'll work. I think you'll think it'll work I mean there's a way for anything to go wrong. That's true. I mean lots of things could go wrong The Dark Lord can never find the artifact he needs to complete the ritual that allows him to jump from body to body Like, yeah, did he know he can do that? He knows he can do it, but he doesn't have the means to do it just yet we won't say that part let's bomb my shoe

what are you straight he's still figuring out all the artifacts he needs to make that his ritual be complete but my ritual today here that begin right now everyone kneel down next to the grave. I mean, the stir pile. Oh, wait, he don't hold me.

Oh, wait, Arnie's a little worried. So let's, to a swage. A little bit of a sure fears. Let's go through everything that could go wrong. Okay, we could bury you and forget about you. We could bury him, forget about you. We could be burying you in poison soil. Oh, how do you know soil is poison?

You find out after a day or so. Yeah, God. What else? Somebody find out after a day or so. Yeah, God What else? Somebody else could dig you up. Yeah, I mean, it's a shallow grave. You're barely covered in dirt You should be able to sit up push through the dirt. Yeah, it won't be too bad And there's a sword sticking out out of the ground people would definitely know right? Yeah, something might pull out the sword It could rain and then your body gets flooded My car could run over you.

Severing the pieces your body into smaller bags. Oh yeah, while animals might tear you apart. Oh, right in the box. The box cart children was about seven parts. No, the box cart children were the children in Hogsface that got ran over by a cart. It's very sad. It's very sad.

It's very sad. What else could go wrong? Lightning could hit the sword, sticking out of the ground. Oh, but then with that, it would burn me to pieces. Everything could go according to plan, and then when you get out of your gravy, stub your toe. Well, you know what? Good news.

Scarab. Eat a couple of my toes. There you go. I'm less likely to stub those. Always look on the right side of life. Everyone, put your hands upon the pile of dirt. Okay. I'm gonna put my pedals on it.

Very good. So those are her hands? Nope, my pubes. Everything is her pubes, according to her. Flowers are mostly pubes. Yep. Oh. Now, concentrate.

Think of your friend, Arnie. Think of the time we've spent together. Think of the tinctures I have applied to his body. Think of the scarab that it put power back into his frame. Think of the spells I have cast late at night and through these last few weeks attempting to bring him back to life. And know in this moment all shall coalesce. And Anni shall rise. Is it working? Oh. Oh. Quick, quick. Quick what? Quick tell us, quick what? Get a microphone to me. Okay, that's little ony.

Get the microphone to big ony. Gummo. Gummo, gummo. Gummo. Ooh, I think gummo's already gone. Here, here, here. Take gummo's microphone and put it next to Arnie. Honey, can you hear me?

Come on. How are my levels? This is fucking insane. Fine, they're fine. Are you sure? Yes, I didn't have a chance. I didn't have a chance. I thought I had a chance. I thought I had a chance. How are my levels? This is fucking insane. Fine, they're fine. Are you sure? I didn't have a chance. I thought I had a 5 minutes ago.

I didn't have a chance to do any vocal warm-ups before. You were so happy before, Pony. Here, now eat this gummy you. The whole thing or else the spell doesn't work. Ah! Cat hair. And the cat hair. Eat all 96 ounces of it,

and we'll throw in some shirts for the kids This is a lot Do I have to do it all right away? Yep, all right, you guys talk amongst yourselves. I eat this thing. I want it to the corn dog Yeah, those are delicious. It's really good hot tip. You can eat the stick. They'll tell you you can't but you can what? That's amazing. Yeah, you can eat anything if you put your mind to it so far when you were eating your corn dog you put it You put that corn dog right there Damn it. Yeah, I'm yam yam. How's it going on?

All right, I think yeah finish eating oh, okay I'm not enough to just burp into the microphone you have to eat the gummy child All right I'll let you know what I'm done. Is this hurting the gummy child? I don't know. You said, or when we cut it in half, you said it was sentient. Yeah. No, it hurts. Okay.

Now, flour, what are you going to do now that you've been displaced from hogs face? And you find yourself here at the library? Are you now ready to commit yourself to mine quest where you can help me defeat evil in all its forms? I don't know, I mean I'm still looking out for number one so might just wander around this library a little bit more. See if something speaks to me, see if I can meet somebody. Castile air, I consider that the best way to look out for number one is To defeat evil so by me helping you and defeating evil uh-huh

I would somehow benefit from this because Because people doesn't give a shit about me. I'm fine either way. Oh How wrong you are flower evil cares about cares about everything, and very soon. Before you know it. Oh, yes. Right now, maybe the Dark Lord only controls. Oh, what? 70% of food? Yes, 72.

But before you know it, you'll even take all of the flowers. You'll displace them from their pots, and he shall say, I shall rip off all line petals and you shall be a slave to me. Sorry, sorry to interrupt real quick. While you were talking Arnie called me over to his body and he whispered in my ear to tell you the best way to look out for number one

is not to step in piss. Since he couldn't be on the microphone. He wanted me to make sure I got that on. You did the time to say that. He took the time to say that. He took the time to say that. He wanted to make sure it got on the microphone so I just had to get that out there. Shunt, thank you to say that. He took the time to say that. He took the time to say that. He wanted to make sure it got on the microphone,

so I just had to get that out there. Shunt, thank you for doing that, and thank you for being such a good friend to Ani. He's my best friend. But we must also remember, we don't always have to honor all of his wishes. Really? Yes, if you didn't want to say that on Mike,

you didn't have to say it. Oh wait, he just whispered to me too. He just whispered to me too, and he said, I like to drink pee. Look out for number one, going in my mouth, good, I'm a pee drinker. Arnie, is that true? I told both of you those things in confidence. I'm told them to us with confidence. Yeah, more confidence than you should have had. How are you doing buddy? How are you? Already you're back. I'm so thank you. Yeah, I'm still a little disoriented,

but it feels good to be back in a somewhat less sticky body. How's the, I mean, I don't wanna freak you out, but how does the, you know, in the middle of your... The sword? It feels weird. It just, it feels very cold. Like there's just this coldness in the middle of me. Yes, the time is still frozen right around the sword.

Okay. I understand about having coldness inside of you. Oh yeah? Yeah. Talk about it. Just, um, you'll learn to live with it. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

They're finally connecting. Oh. Yeah. Oh, and, why aren't you just going to give her a little kiss? Right in her. Please, no, no. No, that's not the way you're in. a little kiss? Right on her please. No, no, that's not Remember you must stop over head. That's okay. Yeah, I need to get a clear idea of what's not pubes But I thank you fine. Yeah, you welcome. Yeah, thank you. You should or yes This is the most peaceful and friendly they've ever been

Do you think they've each found a newly sunlight? Yeah, do you think they might start? You know while you were trying to give me a kiss as you another dick on your face. Oh great I mean it's progress. Those dicks are kissing though. You drew with blood. Where do this blood come from? I don't know every day. Oh look at those kisticks. You're a couple of kistics. from. I don't know, every day. Oh, look at those kistics. You're a couple of kistics. Ony, are you all right? How do you feel? I mean, I feel, I feel like a little cramped up because, you know, I haven't been moving for weeks. Come here. Let me look at your teeth.

Here. Now your eyes. Okay. Your nipples. Lift up your shirt. No, I can't. It's really hard to lift up my shirt with a sword in here. Well, lift up one side so I can see what a nibble Can you trot in a circle trot like a horse like a what like a horse? I just want you to know it What yeah, I just want to see your gaze to see your gaze exactly? Now a gallop. Nothing. Look down to a song. Why are you trying to give me the do horse then? Let me see your haunches. No, what's going on?

Let me see your haunches. I'm fine, okay. I'm fine. Thank you. After a traumatizing experience like this way, I'm such a wizardly resurrection. I must make sure everything is all right. Did your toes grow back? No.

Okay, we'll work on that. Okay. How are your hooves? Okay, yeah buddy, you calm down Here sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar. I do I do sugar. All right So you said or how long until I can take this sword out? Don't have to like I get it I can't take it out now, but when can I take it out and live without a sword in my chest? Well, I haven't quite figured that part out yet. Ornie, when can any of us start to really live without a sword in our chest? Yes, we've all been pierced through.

Oh, you're being literal? Yeah. Oh. But also, I mean, most of you have been stabbed at one point or another. Yeah. Sure. Hurts, right? Eh, don't it? Also, I mean, most of you have been stabbed at one point or another. Yeah. Yeah. It sure hurts, right? Yeah.

Don't it? I've had worse. Is that time I caught on fire for a couple weeks? Yeah. For a couple weeks. Yeah, remember that? Yeah. Flower, what's the worst you've ever been hurt?

Emotionally. Oh, I don't know. Wow. Who did it? Everybody in my goddamn life. Wow. Everybody's ever been in my life as it's hurt me at some point. What about the Taimani through you off the cliff though?

I heard, but I learned a lot from that. Oh, yeah. Wait, we have heard you emotionally? Yeah. Well, I never intended to. These accept my sincerest apologies. It's okay. I dish it out first. Usually it's my fault. Mmm.

And I know that about myself, yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry, Flower. Yeah. Come on, don't stand behind Arnie. You don't want to stand behind Arnie. Okay. Never stand behind Arnie.

Because of the sword tip? Poke out of my back? Sure. So can we start calling you Swarney? Swarney, I don't even know. Sward Arnie. Sward Arnie. Swarney.

Look, I'm just Arnie, all right? Something happened to me, but I am not just the things that have happened to me. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of.

Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of.

Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. Sort of. is not the final episode. Look, should it be? I just need to take a moment. I know. I was just buried Unalive for a little bit. I'm just trying to make sure I'm understanding all the things that just got thrown at us.

The sword in my chest, if I pull it out, I'll start dying again, correct? Right. The Dark Lord can be killed by this sword. Right. The Dark Lord can be killed by this sword. Right. The Dark Lord thinks he has a way to avoid being killed and hop into other bodies. But he needs more mystical artifacts before he can do it. That's the thing. That's the thing that I was like kind of came up with the last minute and seems sort of important. He does not have the things yet that he needs.

So in theory, we could still stop him. That's right. If we do it stop him. That's right. If we do it fast enough. That's right. And we have the pages of the book of sight that tell us what the artifacts are. So Arnie, throw on your saddle, and let's try! Wait, but there's one more important thing. What is that?

Most of the flower is pubes, right? Right. Okay. It's a lot of the process. Oh, buddy, are you Okay. Correct. There's a lot to process. Oh buddy, are you tense here? Let me give you a little... Careful, there's a source of the animal back. I'm gonna knock, I can just tell.

I'm gonna knock a lot of things over. Why would you just give you a little shoulder massage? Does that feel better? Nay. Nay is for horses already. I don't think that was cat hair. I think it was hey. I think you're right. I think Ernie's part horse. I can hear you guys

Yeah, we didn't even try leaning to honey. We think you're a pot horse. Why would I be part horse? Look, there's already been enough stuff Why are you stomping your foot once? Because I don't know how to count higher than one Look all joking aside, thank you. Thank you, Yusador. Thank you, Chant. Thank you, Flower. Do you have something caught in your throat?

You seem a little horse. No, boy. All right, I'm sorry. Hey, you're looking for a long-awaited brick. Thank you, just Yusador. Oh, you're very welcome, honey. But now, let's do something that we used to do all the time and really enjoy

Read emails fair enough. All right, let's see here. I'll go first. Here's one Arnie, Chant and Yucidor. I stumbled across your podcast as I was in the final few months of completing my PhD dissertation Oh an email from a smart person listening to your silly yet informative podcast. Silly. I know, this has been very long. It's a lot of it, isn't it? Help me laugh and relax on those long nights in the lab. I want to very sincerely thank all three of you and all of those behind the scenes, there's nobody who helped in the production as well. No one but there's no one else.

Who would it be? I don't know. I mean, look, in theory, if there was, they would be very talented, but they don't exist. Anyway, if in your adventure across Fune, you need the services of a geneticist. Feel free to email me back. I owe you one. What sort of nets are those?

Oh, boy. And then it says, do the inhabitants of Fune have DNA? Sincerely, Dr. Janssen. Do the inhabitants of fune have DNA? Sincerely, Dr. Janssen. Do the inhabitants of fune have DNA? DNA. On my world, that stands for something. Well, here's the...

Dixonasses. No, don't nut aggressively. Arnie, I'm tired of you. Every time we talk about something, you're always like, on my world, does that you're working on your Arnie impression? Yeah, every time I say something, I'm like, I'm like, I'm gonna drink some water from this cup

and you're always like, in my world, cup drink from you. That's exactly what I'm doing. It seems a little dated. It's a good construction, it's classic. Maybe it's just the name Dana. Is it just the name Dana? Dana, Dana. Dana.

Are there dinners in Fouche? Sure, it's popular name. Huh. You know, DNA are the building blocks of all life They're like the genetics are kids stuff building blocks. Well, it's like if you just go down and down and down Smaller and smaller and to what makes you you I think that's what DNA is and It's hard. It's really hard to explain so it's actually when I don't understand it. It's magic It's kind of like magic. it's the one I don't understand it. It's magic. It's kind of like magic.

Do you got magic in fun? Yes. Of course. What do you mean? Of course we do. You spent the last nearly five years with one of the most amazing wizards in all of food. Thanks for your question, Dr. Janssen. Damn it.

I have some emails here. We'll read two maybe. We'll see. The first one is from Adam Noel. It says, Hello all. I love the show. I just wanted to let you know that I told my four little girls the story of Arnie, Chunt, and Yusidor the Blue for bedtime.

Oh. I made the story of the three of you entering the army of entertainers, G rated, and they feel right asleep. Keep up the good work from Adam. Huh. What is a G rated version of the three of us look like? Well, probably then instead of dumping a pale of feces on the general, by his request. Oh, he was into it.

Yeah, oh yeah, we would probably like, man. Like, dump glitter on him or something? Fuck that. Oh, cut that part out when you tell your kids this story. One of the email here, this is from Jake Ruby, says this is a question for you, Stor. Is there a spell that can give me all my hair back? It's sort of a peripheral battle against the Dark Lord.

You guys are the best from Jake Ruby. Well, I suppose I could restore this gentleman's hair if I were upon Earth, but I can't do it here from food. Maybe, Jake, if you're listening, maybe put your head up against whatever device you're listening to this podcast on. Could it go through the sound waves? I suppose it's possible. Should we give it a shot? Yeah. Jake, listen to me now. Put thine head near the speaker. As I have resurrected Arnie, I shall resurrect thine scalp.

Irano's ulof, ulof alakoth, iambaa. Did it work? Did it work, Jake? Let us know. Let us know. I just also want to mention that on my way to library, I noticed there was a bunch of big signs with a professional bear. And that bear was saying that he could get your hair back with a bunch of signs. Like a bunch in a row. Like a bunch of bear. We had a row and the bear is like, I didn't have hair. Now I got hair. That will appeal to Crom. I am a bear. Earth people who have driven on the interstate and near the airport are loving it.

Yeah, like 54 people get that? Yeah. Worth it. But now we must salivoth. We must take on evil. We must head out now, heading to the east. We will find little hammocks long the way to dark and dank caves to terrible fortresses and To mystical temples where we shall find the artifacts, but not necessarily in that exact order

That's right. You shall find the artifacts before the dark lord does do you have time to ride the roller coaster one more time? Oh, let's get to the roller coaster. Oh, yeah, I wonder roller coaster one more time. Ooh, let's get to the roller coaster. Oh yeah, I wonder. Come on dogs, wonder this gonna be a problem riding a roller coaster with this giant sword sticking through me. Arnie, all I'm gonna say, don't break a leg.

What? We'd have to put you down. Oh, horses. Oh. Oh. Available soon in our online store, don't not aggressively, bumper stickers, snow globes, and infant onesies. Usuroto the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy.

Flower, the Talking Flower, was played by special guest Brooke Bright. Brooke performs with world news tonight in the improvised Shakespeare company played by special guest Brooke Bright. Brooke performs with world news tonight and the improvised Shakespeare company at Io Chicago. In between that, Brooke saw writer for Jackbox Games. In between all of that, Brooke finds time for what she considers to be the finest piece of entertainment in human history, the circle on Netflix. Yeah, she's aware of things like breaking bad and bleak house. She's not budging. Hashtag 100% genuine. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffai,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Anna Hoverman, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. This week, that meant no joke, taking food other people had put in the company fridge, labeling it with their names, putting it back, then emailing everyone, no need to thank me for labeling all the food. It's one of my favorite life hacks. Ugh, I can already hear Kimmy Lucas walking this way for another office employee, funversation. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. you