Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 29 - Outlaw

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Venturing into the Kooky Longwoods and climbing up to the village in the treetops; the boys search out a Demi-God Outlaw!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungThe Outlaw Jess Elizabeth Wales: Laura MaynardMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Greetings! It's your quasi-friendly authoritative voice, saying once again it's time to enjoy your favorite fantasy podcast. But before you listen to the Adventure Zone, why not blow 40 or so minutes with dusty old us? We've got a host with a sword stuck through them, and that could only be said of radio lab during their holiday special. So sit back, not that far, this is an identical exam, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern!

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Just shy of five years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King and Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Things went downhill from there. I have a magical sword stuck through my body. I'm alive, but a small part of me is dead, and maybe the sword can never be removed. But enough about me, I'm joined as always by my co-host, my good bud, jump the talking badger.

Baby, don't know. Oh, Arnie, a small part of you is dead, you penis died? Uh-hmm, hmm, I am also joined by Yusuf or the Wizard. I am Yusuf or the twelfth rail of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour chaos, champion of the great holes of Trockus, the hell's Nomiya's fying yaluk. The dwarves Nomiya's so--and-who-stangings.

Arnie, what if we search for it? And I am known, and this is great hole. As gas-winiest may star, and there may be other secret names. So powerful that if I did air, utter them aloud. Most assuredly, every child's toy in all the food would come to life and have secret adventures when no one is looking. What? Yes. How many adventures when no one is looking. What?

Yes. How many adventures? Like, you know, three? Three and then maybe a fourth one that feels like we're kind of just doing the same thing. The thing's still. It would be the best. I don't feel the second time they get together.

I feel like you're pushing it with three, but if by some reason the third one is like decent, like get out. Ernie, there's just naked in your boot. What? A snake in my boots. Ugh. Oh God, that scared me so much.

I almost just jumped to infinity and beyond. What? What's beyond infinity? I don't know. Yeah, what's with it? That doesn't make any sense. For? You always say to infinity and beyond

or you'll say to bedbath and beyond. I know. And you see them with equal enthusiasm. I know. And then you seem real smug and happy with yourself. And then I say, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, what was that last part? That was a bridge too far.

I think it was a natural progression of ideas from Buzz Lightyear with a side journey to bedbath and beyond. And then a home improvement via Tinnah. Arnie, you need to calm down. You've got a sword in you, okay? You've got a sword in you. I keep knocking things over with the sword, and it's just really like,

I know I'm putting up like a really together vibe in general, but pretending. No, you're not. Oh, okay, you're right. Here are my good friends, and I don't need to pretend with you. Like, I'm kind of struggling right now. I almost died. I've got a sword in me, and it's kind of,

it's kind of scaring me more than I would like to admit. Yeah. You've been struggling since you arrived here, almost five years ago. And, well, I mean, I'm talking about hasn't really changed. I guess it's really hard to look at you. I mean, it has been for five years. I mean, I'm mostly talking about the things since I got stamped the A or A.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right. And then all the other things before. Sure. Okay. Have you been playing with it? Huh? I'm talking about my little dick again So you admit it Yes, don't don't don't don't scratch at it. Don't just make it work. Have you been playing with it? I mean, it's just it's hard to get comfortable like I here's the thing It's not like I just see the sword.

I feel every part of this sword impaling me. I'm always aware of it. And if I move around, it's like parts of my insides like scrape against it. Oh, no. I know. But I also have seen you clean under your nails with the tip of it.

Oh, sure, I mean, I gotta get some use out of it. Right? I've also been like hanging sacks of snacks off of the end. Which is a good upside. No, that's not idea. I can carry. It's almost like I've got like a front bindle for snacks. I've been hanging sacks of snacks. I've been hanging sacks of snacks.

Have you ever thought about adorning it with more types of weapons and useful tools though and perhaps you've seen it It's like a utility sword. Ooh. Yeah, or can you give the sword arms and maybe the sword is holding two swords? Oh, that's a good idea. Is that a fun look? So like a sword on a sword. It's like a hat on a hat. Oh I'm in multiple hats. You mean like this? Oh Whoa, he lifted up his hat and he had another hat right underneath it. Well look on that hat Oh, I have multiple hats. You mean like this? Oh. Whoa, he lifted up his hat and he had another hat right underneath it.

Well, look on that hat. What? It's his brain. That's right. He used it or? Where's the top of your head? I don't know. I lost it a while ago.

Oh. So you know what? I heard that. It's not just me. I'm sorry. I've been dealing with my own stuff. Everybody's going through something. Yeah. Everybody's going through something. Sorry. going through something sorry no no no it's good to

air it out everyone alright that's almost like a different thing's me different things everyone's going through something that's very true you said sorry you flipped your lid and currently we're going through something which is the cookie long woods what right now we're traversing through we're going through something which is the cookie longilang. Oh, that's right We are trying to get to the artifacts that Dark Lord is looking for before he gets to them Mm-hmm and totally different from looking for the pages of the book of sight and now we're looking for artifacts That's right the Kukilang ones are beautiful beautiful forest

I don't if you have ever seen such a beautiful forest? No, and not from this vantage point, Sean, I was a little annoyed when you demanded that we climb these vines to get up to this tavern on the top of these trees, but it's beautiful. Yeah, this is sort of an elevated city, sort of a city in the trees here. Can I have some of those coordinates? Oh, yeah, just go ahead and take if you want to

smack out of my front window just go ahead and get some of these coordinates. Yeah let me get in that snack. Next, next. Okay, next. So don't take. I've heard the reason we're here is I've heard that in the Kukulong Woods is a demigod outlaw. Oh, how exciting. Yes, she robs from the poor and gives to the poor. Uh-huh.

Oh, huh. The same ones? Yeah. And then she kills the rich and eats the rich. Okay. Okay, robs from the poor, gives to the poor, kills the rich, eats the rich. Mm-hmm.

Does she eat the same rich that she kills? Is it like I killed you? and you, you're still alive. No, no, no, no. Arnie, I don't know. But I've seen posters that she's been outlong in this area, so I thought we could swing by and maybe see if she knows the area better than we do. Yeah, absolutely.

Hey, now it should be bringing this outlaw to justice, or is this an outlaw against the very forces of evil that we wish to bring down? I don't know. I suppose once you find out, we'll have to figure it out for ourselves. Let's make her make the first move. If she treats us like family, we'll treat her like an inlaw. If she treats us as an enemy, we'll treat her like an outlaw.

No, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. And Arnie, I mean, I've heard so many wonderful rumors about this outlaw of power. Denigod. Denigod and remember it's a demigod So it's probably gonna be this glorious beautiful Visage so let's all I'm kind of a demigod. It's not what's that. I'm kind of a demigod I'm I'm basically like a an ethereal being brought to food in the shape of a human. Yeah becomes a wizard

Yeah, I see you're more of like a demigod, but But yeah, whatever you whatever you want, but I I mean, just, you know, it's like, it's not gonna be that impressive, right? That's all I'm saying. Yes, sir, we're all going through something. Yeah, we're all going through something. That's a good idea. Right, you're right, have a little itch up here.

No, no, that's not we're all going, I'm sorry. Are we gonna put on a shirt and spray it as neat? Everyone's going through something. Not we're all going through something. Oh, what did I say? It's, you know, look, I know it's a subtle these people. Everyone's going through something. Not we're all going through something. Oh, what did I say? It's need a look. I know it's a subtle distinction, but different things mean different things.

We got to start making more shirts. That's true. Any combination of words we say should go directly onto a shirt. Oh, boy, this town up in these four street tops is a little, a little more dilapidated than I would have thought. Let's look around and we'll try and find the most well put together person here. Shhh. Oh, keep.

Oh, hey, sorry, dirty person, get away. We're looking for, we're looking for like, don't be rude. Oh, I'm sorry. That's okay, that's okay. It's actually not rude where I come from to be as dirty as I am. Oh, okay, okay.

But I, on your way, on your way, I'm so sorry. No, it's okay. It's okay Everyone's going through something, but we're looking for someone important. Oh you all are going through something every wanted now No, no, no we all are everyone Let's get let's get her out of here and a and a you smell like shit to you man on our way here We know no no no no yeah, well traveler. What is your story? Oh Well, if- No, no, no, no. Yeah, traveler, what is your story?

Oh, mine? Yes. Oh, Golly, well... Nobody asked for my side of the story. Well, what would you answer for your side of the story? Before now. Oh, we just asked for your story. Well...

You're side of the story. That sort of sounds like... Some people have some bad things to say about you. Well... If you'd listen to my side of the story, you'd hear the... The horrid, horrid things that people things to say about you. Well, if you'd listened to my side of the story, you'd hear the horrid, horrid things that people have to say about me. I guess the point we're making is we didn't even realize

there were two sides to the story. And then just like, we just need to hear our story. And immediately just by your appearance, I don't believe your side. What's your name? Oh, well, people in this part they call me Jess e-wails. Oh, Arnie, that's her. Oh, that's the outlaw of Jessie Wales. Oh my gosh.

I just guessed it. I didn't even know the name. She's part demigod and part whale. This is so embarrassing for you all. Yeah. But don't be put off by this appearance because there is something great underneath. I run this con. I've run this con.

Yeah, you're covering yourself in shit and mud to kind of blend in so people don't know it's you kind of thing. And in traditional where, you know, I would just, I would use my many abilities and I'd just snap my fingers and I would be beautiful, but I am more comfortable this way. For I'm with my people this way. And speaking of snapping your fingers, it looks like all ten of your fingers are broken.

They aren't deed, they aren't deed. It's mostly due to climbing these trees every day. Mostly. We're climbing wrong. Yes, we're very high trees every day. Yeah. Mostly. We're climbing wrong. Yes, we're very high up in the tree town. Oh, and you all didn't struggle once? I have helped a lot. A lot of help.

I have a lot of help. I got to sword me, though, so I can't do this. Oh, that's... Mind if I place my hat on the end of it? Don't cover me. Like a little... Front bindle, that's where my snacks are. You can put it on the back, though. Okay. Well, it's kind of like putting a hat on the sword, but... Yeah, we end of it. Don't cover my front bindle. That's where my snacks are. You can put it on the back though.

Oh, okay. Well, it's kind of like putting a hat on the sword. Yeah, well, I'm sorry. Was it Jess or? It's Jess and then my middle initial is E. Oh, what is that? Do you mind if I ask what is the E stand for? I want to commend you for asking if you could.

Oh. And I don't mind in the slightest it's a lizard. Oh Like that. Thank you very much. It's pretty nice Now I've run this con before as I said before it's no big deal to pretend like If you're a demigod you can kind of turn yourself into like a decrepital crow or a little imp and then people underestimate you and then you know when they're looking for power and truth they come to you and you're you don't seem like you'd be the one you know you go oh I'm looking for a great wizard master and they say

master yes was not make one great all that nonsense and then and then you reveal yourself as the powerful one that can save them all yes I I know what you're doing I see what you're doing. You said, or when are you going to reveal that it's a trick that you've been covered in shit this whole time? Wow. Like, is this like a long con by you? Like, I just thought you were a dirty old wizard. What the- How dare you!

I am where you said all one of the most amazing wizards who has ever walked a stride phone I'm already glorious in my current form Okay, oh my brain my brain really it's I don't know I feel like my con doesn't seem as legitimate now That's it. What what's your con? What are you doing? I'm trying to say is that there is no con. Oh, there's only me. Oh is it one of those things? You're so important that you don't have to not be dirty? It's like you don't have to try to look good. It's like that celebrities are like I can wear athletes, you're everywhere and I still look good because I'm

famous. Some people look at me and they say, what is what's the phrase? Maybe she's born with it? That's it. When they say maybe she's born with it. What is the it? The it. It's more of a feeling than a physical thing. I see. It's more of a, oh, once you talk to me, boy, oh boy, do I've got it? Yeah, that's happening to me once in the job interview. I handed the person who was looking to hire my resume and they went resume, resume, ooh, wow, and I got hired. Oh, yeah, I think it's just a little extra pizzazz on my step.

That's a touching story. Thank you. I love this camaraderie that I see with you three. You were joking with one another earlier and you were kind of being mean to each other too, so that was so fun. I, you'll learn that in these parts, it's hard to come by a good joke. Oh, yes.

We could roast you if you want. This roast you speak of is that related to roast that you eat? Yeah, in terms of we would spit hot fire Eater guys hold on we'll be right back to you guys And I really hesitate to say this. I think she wants us to eat her ass Arnie. I think what's really going on Is it she just wants some food? She's bad. She I think. She looks better or something. I think that's highly more like.

Yes, are you hungry? Are you looking for a hot meal? Tragically so. Now I heard a rumor, however, that you used to or currently do rob from the pool, give back to the pool, kill the rich and eat the rich. I wish I could say even a little bit of it was fiction, but it's all true. Oh, it's all true. So you find eating the rich isn't satiating. It is. And it's I want to clear something up. Okay. That when I go into the home of rich, I go to a rich home. I that's what you want to clear up. When you go into the home of rich, you go into a rich home? People think that I'm just slaughtering in the streets,

that I see your garb and I think I judge you by the way that they look. No, it's research, it's thought out, it's delicate. Yeah, I think it's nice that you, because you know, people want to die at home in their own beds, being brutally attacked and murdered and eaten by a dirty demigod. Right?

Yes, the description you just gave could also be described as premeditated. Wait, you went to college? You'd be shocked. My dad wanted me to be premeditated. I disappointed him. I'm trying to do good here. I'm reallocating from one pore to another.

Oh, that was going to be a follow-up question for me, because I was like, do you steal from the pore and then give it directly back to the same person? It's different pore. If you get a little more wealth, I nip that in the bud. Can I say something? There's an old adage. I don't know what region of phoenix from. There's a term that's called in the bud. Can I say something? There's an old adage. I don't know what region of Phun it's from. There's a term that's called spread the wealth. So what you do is you accumulate or take wealth

and then you take the wealth and dole it out in small portions to a great many of people. It sounds what you're doing. It's just sort of shuffling around this same non-wealth to a lot of people. Yes. And keeping them pulled. Well, it's we can't change everything overnight. You know, it's a balance. It's a delicate, delicate ecosystem. Yeah, incremental progress is important. We mustn't lose sight of that. I have a much longer, it's a 30-year plan. Oh okay. To raise our cast. Keep going. Sorry. I have a 30 year plan and I'm going to raise this village's poverty level by 2%. You're going to raise the poverty? I don't think that means what you think it means.

Or is it my? It might. It might. It might. It might not where they're, hold on, okay. So I draw a graph at home. And it has all of the poor people's names on it. Okay. In one column. And all the wealthy people's names on it in another column. There is no in between.

So don't even ask. There's no middle class here. And that's why I'm here. I don't allow it. You are like death of the middle class, or no middle class. I'm actually death of middle class and upper class, I believe. Yeah. So you want everyone to be poor. Because it's what needs to happen.

No, it's- It's just- We're not- We're not built for wealth up here. We don't need those things. I think I- I mean, I think in a weird way. We're not built for wealth up here. We don't need those things. I think, I mean, I think in a weird way, I kind of get it. You're like, death to the rich, but you're protecting the poor from getting to the danger zone

where you would have to kill them. Correct. And trust me, there have been some that have tried to make the leap over the non-existent middle class into nam nam nam territory Jess if I may and I don't want to call you out or confront you but you spoke of a leap As you mentioned that a rat Leaped out of the hole in your stomach onto the tree.

What's going on there, you okay? Well, I'd like for you to call him by his name, which is Reggie. Okay. And he lives there because we are friends. Kind of like how you guys are friends. He's got a friggin' thing in his stomach. That's true. That's true.

I was gonna be like, hey, weird. Why do you got a hole in your stomach with a rat in it? I got a magic sword in me and a badger. Don't know that I said no people with swords in their stomachs shouldn't throw swords at other people's rats Yeah, thank you. That's I you mind if I write that down? Yeah, I actually can't write with somebody else write it down for me sure No problem. You have a list at home with names. Oh, it's more. We see names in this bill. Have you guys been around? Have you met anybody in the L.C.? No, just you, but the building, and it looks like a ghost town. It's really because we are so afraid to come out at night. Sure, I wonder why. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Although I've got to say

you did say you mostly kill people in their homes. So really, everyone should get out. Yeah, get out of your house. Get out. I mean, if they'd like, or stay in because you're not afraid. Maybe stay in because you're not who I'm coming for. This is where I'm talking about the wealthiest of the wealthy. Or who I'm tracking down where they are, going in through a back window, a side door, slaughtering.

I have to step in. I think you're giving yourself way too much credit. You say that you track down the wealthy where they are, but then you kill them in their home. So it seems like what you're doing is waiting in the wealthy person's home, mansion, if you will, until they come home and then killing them.

And all of that's very impressive here. Now, Jess, it's difficult for Chunt and Ani to understand because they aren't immortal demigods like you and I. You and I understand that long-term plans, like these, can be very slow in the way they change the world. But it is our patience and perseverance. That shall bring about the result that we wish. Oh, you just, I love that.

Thank you. I love that. Let's just say we get each other. Yeah. We get each other because we're both, you know, immortal and jelly, beautiful. It was so dirty. It was so awful.

It was so awful. It was so awful. But dirty here in this world, trapped in these flesh forms, you you know, that's you know, that's the demigods burden Any I wish we understood long cons, but you and I both know we're not gonna live past 30 years Yeah, you mean total or From now I'll live another 14 you live another 13 and for not dead by 50 we kill each other I was about to say is this are you guys planning to die together? I think so.

No. I'm planning on taking that. And now I'm worried. I got a, oh, I wish I had like a, because you're so rich. All right, I got to put, I'm going to write down on a piece of paper. Do not forget in about what? 13 years.

Sure. Do not forget in about 13 years, but like a Question mark question mark question mark Shunt is gonna try to kill me Arnie buddy if this podcast is still going in 13 years I think he'll be begging for it. Yeah, it's true. Is that what words look like what you were doing over there? I mean close Close my brain itches. Oh me me to get that for you? Yeah, can you get in there? Oh, thank you, thank you. You're so welcome. I think I might have digested one of your spells.

Oh, that's a fine thing. All she did was just slap her broken fingers against his brain. That was the grossest sound I've ever fucking heard. It felt great. Do you eat with your hands? It's more of like a demigod thing. My fingers, when I said earlier, they're mostly broken because of climbing the trees. It's about six of 10.

Oh, six are 10 and broken? Six of 10, like a fraction. Could be reduced to two thirds. Six out of 10 are fractured. Our fractured. So on the trees, and then the other third are from merely me just going about on the trees and then the other third are from Melee me just just going about doing Forgundemigad's

If only there was a simpler way to say them if you had ten figures wait Arnie I think she said it perfectly six out of ten are fractured in the other third Jess could you excuse us for a moment? She just laid down on her stomach Six tenths definitely does not reduce to two thirds. That was my point. I don't know. I know that's bad math.

That's like awning math. Yeah, I was gonna say I don't want to make a rest. Someone who can't do math, that would seem rude and cruel. Well, I'm concerned that Demi got to be able to do math very quickly and easily. Mm-hmm. And, you know, since we've been traveling to the east, we met all those animals and bags of grain that were dressed up like traveling salesmen.

Ooh, you saw, I think I know what to do. Yes. Why don't you Demi straight how to do some fractional math? Ah, of course. Okay. Go ahead and get up off your tummy. Uh.

She lifted straight up without pushing off the ground. Wow. Just a trick. What can I say you get it? You said I'm oh I definitely get it since I have this extra toe, you know If I have you know between my fingers and my toes and seven of them are broken. I have 721 so one third of them broken Guys, that's great. Hold on. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I'll give you a chance You got It was that much natural way I could think to get into it guys. We should never solve anything with math Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got it

Well, you know when you get a piece of eight and you and you take four of the pieces off of the pieces of Ait, and you've got, you know, one half of it left. Oh, I mean! Cos 4 Ait's equals one half, and you two... It could be. One half plus one half equals one whole. It could be not. Or it could be not.

Yeah, what do you mean? Well, I just... I just think we see things a little differently. You don't see fractions the way I see fractions. It's a bit of... it's't be not. Yeah, what do you mean? Well, I just, I just think we see things a little differently. You don't see fractions the way I see fractions. It's a bit of, it's a bit subjective. You think fractions are subjective. Listen, if you had lived life the way that I have. Oh.

Well, how have you lived life exactly? Why don't we take, let's take a step out, so. Oh, I thought you were gonna say, let's take a break. I was like I thought you're gonna say let's take a break I was like power move. Yeah, that's the first guest who's ever asked for a break Let's take a quick break and and it's he's the demi-god. All right, absolutely. Yeah, let's take you. Oh, you're welcome Let's take a quick break. We're gonna take a break each episode We've got to take a break 60 minutes and we're about halfway through so that means we're probably at the 45 minute mark. We'll take another...

This is great. 45, and that'll equal one full. Well, if it's 45 over 60, let's go to be all about it, Matt. And we're back and we're outside this sort of treetop tavern here and we're out on the sort of rickety bridges that connect all the treetop villages I guess. It's quite impressive actually if I do say so myself. It's exciting to be here in Cookie Roberts. The Cookie Longwoods.

Oh, sorry. Cookie Barrow. What? Yes. So tell us about what you've built here. This sort of a town. What you're looking at is kind of the town square. OK, that's a circle. So this is the town square.

This is the town square. This is like the town square. This is like the town square. This is where the nightlife is, you know. The nightlife that people are afraid to get out of their house. Yeah, it's mostly me and I just kind of dance around here by myself. Sure. Yeah.

I just stand right in the, in the, um, I stand right in the, what's that thing? It's like, it's like, um, like the middle of a circle. It's that, I think. Mountain? Yeah. The blood of your victims. It's like three radiuses in of a, it's like, yeah, the blood of your victims. It's like three radioses in of us. It's like, yeah, yeah.

I think she overheard us talking about fractions and geometry. Gonna have one of these pretzels. Yes, sure. If I may compliment your town square, it looks like what it mostly consists of is that dead horse with a seal stuffed halfway down its throat. That is correct.

And if again, if you just call him by his name, Garo. The seal of the horse. At this point. Yes, I guess it doesn't matter. That's good for you. Can I ask, was the horse and or seal dead before they got up here to the tree tops? I leave the tree tops occasionally, and I bring back little gifts for the scores of orphans who live in this town.

Oh no. Yeah. How are there so many orphans here? Because this is a very, very dark place. Oh. Can I ask were these orphans formerly rich? Were they orphans when you found them? Yes. Did you make these orphans formerly rich? Were they orphans when you found them?

Yes. Did you make them orphans? No. No. Arnie, when she says no, it sounds real weird. She's putting the least amount of effort that she can into saying. No, they don't.

They want to know. She's putting one of her hands in her mouth and saying no around the broken finger. She's practically like laying down. Okay, okay, okay, friends, are we friends? I'm sure you're friends. We can say we're friends. I would like to come clean.

Okay, the guilt is why you have a hole in your stomach? I, you should, you should probably find some way of getting clean. Yeah, put it right there. You're very dirty, uh, you should, you should probably find some way of getting clean. Yeah, put a red there. Very dirty. Well, you should find some way to get that frickin' sword out of your eye. Tricks of your own.

She's your right to shatter. Is that a roast? Did I roast? Yeah, he roasted him. Yeah. Then that makes what I'm about to say even tougher. Oh, no. Because I have deceived you.

What? What? I am not a demi god. Oh, so you're just just a dirty person? A little bit more than that. Sure. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're not long. Yes. I am indeed an outlaw, but it's not for murdering and eating the rich as I have so characterized myself. Okay, what are you in outlaw for? What have you done? I have... If this is going to be worse than murdering and eating the rich. No, no, it's actually better.

Oh, good. Okay. The local town's very wealthy orphanage, closed. Oh no. And I myself adopted 200 orphans. Oh, that's a scheme to get their money. So if I have this right, the wealthy orphanage closed. Also, yeah, I do have, I have so many questions.

Well, the orphanage itself didn't have a lot of money, but the children who ended up there had come from wealth, I would say. These wealth, they're wealthy. Well, the children needed the help of this very poor orphanage. I marched into that orphanage with all the money I had after hearing this tragic news that they were going to close that orphanage and individually place every little baby on the street. And I said, you placed the babies on the street? No, I prevented it. Oh.

The mean people who run that orphanage, they were going to do that. Oh. And I stopped them with a promise to build them a better life. And so I adopted all of them. And I built them this home in the trees. Oh, treehouse. Kids love trees. Love a treehouse. That's what I try to do. And when you say you walked into the orphanage with all the money you have, I saw from your purse around your waist earlier, I fell out a dead bird that just had the word, murny written on it by someone, clearly not you.

Is that what you think murny is? That is. And if anyone tells me differently, I'll welcome the information. But I took 800 of those dead marnies, and I walked into that orphanage, and they were shocked. But then they just gave me all those. I mean, did I just like scream like,

come in, come in, oh, get it. Could you back, could you mind walking us through? Yeah, I know what you're talking about. So, Arnie, you be the owner of the wealthy orphanage? Okay, all right, so and I will be Rich or I All right, oh Welcome to the very rich or if oh wait am I do I I'm not wait. I'm so sorry see I did that so break your little mouth. I'm sorry. I was so excited I was like you know what I'm sorry. I was so excited. I was like, you know what?

I'm finally gonna play a character and I quickly realized that was a mistake. So the owner of the orphanage was not themselves rich. Correct. Okay. Why don't you play an owner of the orphanage whose name is rich? Okay, and that way you can just play close to your soul. Okay. Just I thank you guys for committing so much. I'll be rich.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun And then this is a part where you guys are the babies and then you just come with me and there's 200 you I say I'm a wealthy Baby and I shall go along with you. Yeah, I'm a wealthy baby too. So 200 not 800 I 800 Mournies for 200 for 200 which if you did that the price per wealthy baby would be about the money per per be ruse you money it would be about quarter of a three three eight three eights for that baby give it our baby give it our babies for three and just what do what do you have in your life do you have a significant

other do you have I mean I give a lot to these orphans but at the end of the day I would just love to see the world. Well, that's a wonderful dream. But I have to ask a follow-up question. Where the hell be these orphans? We have not seen a single orphan, nor heard it orphan cry. Well, they're very happy. They have nothing to cry about.

Oh, God, you say, yeah, it makes me think that it's a very... Oh, you want to meet an orphan? Yeah, please. Sure. I'm just telling you right now it may not be pretty. Oh, ugly kid. You assume that an orphan is gone. I mean, I am their adopted mother. Okay.

So how good looking can they be? I don't. That was an under-scold sense. But let's meet some of these scores of orphans. Yeah. Well, over here, this is a real building with many, many real orphans in it. Okay, that's a pillow with lipstick on it. That's a toy.

Oh, where does it go? What did, what did go? That's so, That's what the... What the... Hic... What the... Ah! Guys, I uh...

This is so awkward, I love. I don't... So you've misplaced your offense? I've misplaced certainly this home, but I have about 30 more... Homes of the orphans. Maybe, um... And they're all spread evenly. Okay, well, that's... but I have about 30 more homes of the orphans. Maybe, and they're all spread evenly.

Okay, well, so there were supposed to be 80 of them. That makes me think that they're in jam form if they're spread evenly. Maybe as we're walking and searching for them, maybe they're playing hide and go seek. Maybe it would help us believe you if you told us some of the names of the orphans. Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah, but this one is merdy. Okay, that's the dead pigeon. This one is dusty. Dusty. Okay, you're saying this one. But we haven't found it yet. You're just pointing. Nothing. And really, you can't even point because you're just just staring with your hand and your broken fingers are flopping all over the place. They sure are. You guys are so observant. Usually we're not. That's a thing. Here's the thing. We fall for all kinds of shit all the time. You know, we get lots of

emails from people being like, how the hell did you fall for that? Everybody knows that you're being tricked. So we fall for everything. This is the one time where we're like, uh-uh-uh-something doesn't add up. So in the history of this podcast, I'm the first person who's ever just come cleave? I just wanted to- No, first of all, you're the dirtiest person I've ever come on this podcast. Other than you, sword-looking ass.

Damn burn! I still want you guys to roast me! I found a seller door over here. Darn! You are so lucky man! I'm still looking at you guys to roast me! Oh yeah. I found a cellar door over here. I opened it up and there's a lot of orphans down here. Oh shit. Oh, oh, there's a lot of mine! Those are mine!

You sure we talking, we talking pulse, no pulse? No, they're all just hanging out down there. Oh, who few? I gotta say though, Jesse looks very surprised. Oh, to be honest with you, it's been a couple days. Oh. Which is not neglectful, it's called independence. Sure.

You can call whatever you want. And those are my kids. So skipping a baboo, I think we guys have, you guys have done it? You found my orphans. I think we owe you an apology. Huh. We were completely wrong. I think we owe you an apology. Oh, it's hard to say. Am I the first apology in the history of this podcast? Listen, I can't stress enough. You're not the first of anything except for the dirtiest person we've ever done too. Does that make sense? You're not even the first dirty person, but you're just simply the dirtiest person. I mean, one of the first things you said is you wanted to see your ass. I mean, but dirty

as person has ever been on this podcast. Well, everybody's got to have something. Yeah, I'm not going to. Hey, yeah, that's kind of like what you were saying earlier. You're Arnie. Uh-huh. Everyone's got to have something. Or no, it was. No. Look, everyone's kind of like what you were saying earlier. You're earning. Everyone's gonna have something. Or no, look, everyone's going through something. Different things mean different things. Don't knock it till you try it. Just do you have any catchphrases that kind of keep you afloat? Oh, well, I usually wake up every day

and I look at the world and I just say, what day, you gonna do this thing? What? What's the reason? I'm just making sure I'm going to write this down. What day are you going to do this thing or not? Yeah. What a great way to approach the day. Every morning you wake up, you greet the day by saying, you're going to do this thing or what? That's a wonderful motto. Yeah, thank you guys. Thank you guys so much. It's so isolating up here. I, yeah, except for the many, many, many children.

Ah, shoot! Forgot him again! Which one of you is Doustie? Doustie! Doustie is real! Huh. I am gobsmacked. I gotta say, I'm so, I do wanna apologize.

Just. What? I was goofy. At first, you were clearly lying, and then you confessed to something that seemed even less possible. And I was really thinking that this was gonna be followed up by that being a lie, and the next thing being even less possible. But there's seem to be a bunch of kids here,

even though you seem a little confused by it. You know, everything as you store is saying too. It's been a long time. You've been in Gemmy God this whole time, ready to reveal your glory and your... That's right. She just wipes them dirt off her face. I can't even look directly at her. She did with white dirt off her face, take off her glasses and undo her overalls. And she's suddenly, she's all that. Beautiful. So I bet you guys feel like big old geezers right now,

don't you? I do feel like, okay, geezer. We got okay geezer. Geezers need excitement. Are you, was this a test? It was a test and you all got a 48% on it. Oh, that's good. That's not a... Gotta be below passing and what?

No! She's wrong about the math. No, it is. It's quite good. 48 out of what? Well, it's a percent sort of a hundred. Okay. Okay, I think she's still a hundred... I don't know.

Now, I'm really... That okay, Gisering really messed me up. Now, I'm not sure if like she's totally bonkers or it's just we're too old to get any of the things she's telling us. Okay. Maybe everything makes sense and we're just sort of like at a touch. They'll never get it. Sorry, fucking.

Jesus, sir. Get in here. Let me give that spell back. I took out of your little knife and leave. Thank you. Whoo! Mmm, tickles. So what is your name, demigod? If you're not Jesse Wales? You're a little mag and a little bit. Thank you. Woo! Tickles. So, what is your name, demigod, if you're not Jesse Wales?

Ah, I'm not even an outlaw either, but I'll get to that. Oh, we have time now. My name is Arianna. Oh, Grande? Yes. No, I'm sorry, you're just saying. You're big. Thank you.

Thank you. When I wiped my face, I did grow. So thank you for noticing. Yes, and I hope you too have learned a lesson about not being rude to dirty people in the street and treating them with respect. For if you continue on this path of rudeness, most assuredly, one of these old groans

or dirty people will turn you into a terrible beast, and the only way you'll break the spell is by following in love. That sounds very specific. Also, I would never mistreat anyone regardless of their situation. It's just that her story was so fucking bonkers and full of holes, herself and the stories. It's so wonderful you're pointing that out now because it was so, it was so deliberate. Everything I did. It was all part of it carefully

Curated test you were you were meant to doubt me at every turn wait a second. Oh my god I feel so stupid now look behind us. There's this giant cork board. She's been looking at this whole time and Look on this cork board are little things that totally explain everything she said. I don't want to turn around yet. I think we're good example. Well, let's see. Oh, that seal in that horse. I was cookie, right?

Yeah. Oh, it's an official seal with a horse head in it. Yeah. And the cork board itself is dusty. Mm-hmm. And on the bottom of the coffee mug that I was holding when you all met me, it said my true name, Ariana.

Oh. And here's a picture of Marney from the HBO show, Girls. I don't know how that made it into this world. Huh. Turns out this story holds up. 15 minutes later, it holds up. Yeah.

And the greatest is a bit is pretty clean. The greatest trick Ariana ever pulled was convincing the world she didn't exist. We should get back on the road. We're only six nights of the way to where we're going. Six nights. Why is there been so many? Someone explained this to me. It's also time to tell you I'm quite proficient at math. Oh, okay, do some. Well, if you hold up your little fingers, anything and a nine multiplication, the answer, so if it's nine times seven, the answer is 63.

Huh, wait. If you just hold down your finger. There's a lot of... Look, it says you've got six on the left side. For listeners at home, there is a very large visual component to this involving fingers. So hold on. If we hold other hands and put down our fingers. And everyone on one please do this.

So here I, oh God, it's, what is nine times five? So your fifth finger is your thumb on your left hand. From left to right. From left to right. And you put that down and look, if left hand. From left to right. From left to right. And you put that down and look, if you're reading from left to right, the answer's 45. And it works for all of them.

Nine times eight. Wait. Nine times eight, 72. Yeah. I did it right. Huh. See, try to don't doubt yourself. Huh, now do three 347 times 948

328,956 that's right Whoa, I assume she did that all our fingers. Yep. You just hold it down a whole bunch of your fangies Look not broken either. Oh I'm glad that some of these things are lies and that you haven't really been murdering most of the people in this village. Oh no, this was all nearly to test you out, to test you. What I keep talking about, your friendship. Yeah. Oh, and that reminds me, I almost let you get away with it. You said that we were meant to believe you every step of the way and that there

was some greater scheme at play. Go ahead and reveal that now. The moral of you three coming up to my little tree top of gifts one could say. Well, I consider this a gift or true, you adore. I couldn't teach you anything if I tried. Thank you. But for the two of you, my name's Chant. Chant? Arnie. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

The roasts, they were, they weren't meant to cut deep. Because everything here in life, it's only temporary for you guys anyway. So I was here today to tell you both, to just cut loose. Everybody cut, everybody cut. What? Everybody cut everybody cut. Everybody cut. Cut loose. Cut loose. Huh. You miss it when I stood up and I did the splits just. It was amazing. You stood up and did the splits? Yeah. I'm sorry I missed that. It's like the I stood up and And honestly Jesse Ariana whatever your name is I do think that I learned something I still don't understand most of what's happened here today

But it was wrong for me to be dismissive of you is like just a dirty person It doesn't matter if you're a dirty person or a demigod who's slightly less dirty because you wipe some of the dirt off of your face I think what I learned is it's a mistake to talk to strangers. And you know I created this again very deliberately with room for you all to interpret it into grow as you as you see fit because that's what I do. I teach. Oh yeah it seems like you're come up with morals on the fly and sometimes they hit home and more often than not they Fail wildly. So what has this taught you both about the way you treat your old friend Yusador? Both of you turn to Yusador. Okay. Okay. And

I'd say your thing. Say your thing. Yusador. Okay. Okay. And? I'd say your thing. Say your thing. Yusador. Mm-hmm. I love you. No. You got to clean some of that shit off of you. All right.

Yusador. I love you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I get you at the top of your head. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've done unfit my lid. It's okay.

It's all right, buddy. Here, hold my lid. It's okay. That's alright buddy. Here hold my hand. Everybody's going through something. Everyone's going through something. And everyone's... Cut and loose. Yeah. Foot loose.

Yeah. I'm working so hard. You know, the rest of the lyrics. Yeah. You're just over here. I'm gonna stand over here. Run, run into my arms and I'm gonna lift you up over my head. Nope! No! No! He just jumped off the tree! Oh, I wish I could help more.

I should have been nicer. You can't do... You're a demo, my god. Oh, golly, that's right. What am I? Oh, Gully, that's right. Oh, shit. Wouldn't it be amazing if that's how we killed off Yuzador? Well, send those emails and tweets now and make a framing device's dreams come true. Use it or the wizard, who we may or may not have just written off this show, was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy. The outlaw, Jess Elizabeth Wales, was played by special guest Laura Maynard. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adolf Refy.

Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. this episode edited by Stefan Dranger, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adler LeBang, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland, and by the way, I know how the photo of Marney from HBO's Girls wound up in Foon, but I'm not telling. you