Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 30 - Knight

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

We learn about chivalry and faces from a knight.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSir Gluthar: Bill CochranMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello people who don't have the attention span for Levar Burton reads, your friendly authoritative voice alone in this government facility. Remember when they were working on a whole thing to rescue Arnie? Oh my gosh. After hearing him enough on the podcast, did they have second thoughts? Did that problem just solve itself? Toxic masculinity comes through again. Hey guess what's coming up?

Yes, the heat death of your yellow sun. But sooner than that is the five-year anniversary of hello from the Magic Tavern. If you've got a favorite memory or piece of art or shout out to a generally unthanked framing device, you'd like to share. Use hashtag five years in FUNE. And if you want to add the little single tier emoji afterwards,

to indicate just how long that's felt like, well that's up to you. And now, sit back, grease up those imagination neurons, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical. I am the Magic Cavern right now. Oh, sorry, yes, that's right. Hello from the Deep Dink cavern. Hello from the Dark Dink magic cavern rang. Oh, sorry. Yes, that's right. We'll be from the deep dank Hello from the dark dank cavern. Dark day. Uh, yeah We've been following the map. There's been a look. There's a lot of dark dank

I said they want to pitch you an idea I had okay So I thought sometimes you know when you scratch your back. You can't reach it. Yeah, what if you I got a lot of back So I get it. I have a lot of back, so I get it. I have a lot of back, so I get it. Oh, good, good. What if we put little thumbtacks on rats and they screw it up and down your back and scratch your back for you?

Sounds gross. But I'm going to find some of the gold pieces. Hmm, I don't really, I don't deal with a lot of money. I'm kind of an artist. If we're in a dark dank that I might start pigeoning something, go ahead, go ahead, sure. This isn't really the most opportune time. Yeah, we're about to approach the beer and upon the beer,

there is a pedestal where the artifact should be. So let's focus on the task at hand. That's true, but I do need to do just how we bit of, I want a podcast because we're like people want to hear, if it's in between episodes and we like accomplish something big, it just won't be, people will be really frustrated. So listeners, blah, blah, blah, I'm in a magical land, I've got a magical sword through me.

We're trying to fight the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord has figured out a way to cheat the true death, but if we can gather the artifacts before he does, then we can defeat him. Basically, we need to collect these artifacts. And I know what you're thinking, listener, we're going to take like months and months to get these artifacts, sort of like this explanation is taking so long. But we are actually in the cave that was on the map and we are steps away from where we're gonna get this artifact. Did I miss anything in there, Yusador?

No, no, no, no, no, you didn't need any of that. Can you also, I'm so sorry, Yusador, can you kind of narrate your actions so that the listener knows like what we're doing to get this? Yeah, narrate your actions in that the listener knows like what we're doing to get this. Yeah, narrate your actions in all the color commentary. Okay, on top of the pedestal, there is a stone puzzle. And I know not how to open it, so I'm looking around for any clues. Oh, you got to love the used no not.

Oh yeah. I might color on the color. What am I? Yes. Yeah. Well, we got blue wizard, so that's the color commentary there. Okay, sort of a pinkish Yeah, okay, and then follow there are many sconces on the wall and they're unlit So I'm going to take my torch

Light these four sconces and see if the stone was open That was it. This is amazing normally. I don't play these kind of games It's empty what what the fuck it's empty. There's nothing inside. Oh, that's a piece of paper. Maybe it's the next clue What did I say it says I beat you here to DL DL who could that deal? Huley Huley Huley I don't know. I had a sword through me. Oh boy. Great. So we're trying to beat the Dark Lord to get these artifacts. He got this one. That's who DL is.

Yeah. Yeah. He got this one. But that's okay. I mean, I'm more disappointed in what that means for this episode. I feel like this episode is a fucking wash now. Yeah. The whole, we're gonna spend 50 minutes describing the artifact. I mean, I'm more disappointed in what that means for this episode. I feel like this episode is a fucking wash now. Yeah, the whole, we're gonna spend 50 minutes describing the artifact. The artifacts and what we've learned from the artifact. But that's okay. We, honestly, as I understand it, we don't really have to get all the artifacts.

We just have to keep the dark lord from getting all the artifacts, right? That's right. And there's three. Yeah, three. And he has one. He has one. Okay, the least one. I mean, look, he one. I mean look. He might have all of them. He might have all of them. You're not helping. That's not helping. Okay. Anyway, let's just I can't believe

We got out of that forest and we tracked through this little desert to get to this cave for nothing Look, let's just get on the flying carpet and go back to the entrance of the cave I'm gonna just say luckily and you said it Arnie, luckily this desert is called the Little Desert. Yeah. It's an 8x8 grid with sand in the middle of a field. Yeah! So, you know, at least we weren't like, you know, thirsty or seeing a racist or whatever. It is weird, like, why, how does that happen to an area? Like, well, speaking of something I just brought up singing an oasis, would you rather see an oasis

or would you rather see like a blur? Hmm, you know what, I've gotta say. I'm sure it's two camps in this. Like, on its surface, I feel like an oasis sounds more appealing, but I'm more familiar with seeing a blur. So I'm gonna go with that. Interesting. Well, here we are back in the little desert.

Here we should be out of it, and just a piece of... Whoa! Time to die! Oh, shit! Which one of you three is the falcon that dishonored the fair lady Maribel? What? Which one of you indeed, Arnie? Arnie, it's Arnie.

What did you do? I didn't do shit! No, you know guys, know me, I don't bite barely do anything. You with the sword, no belly. I do have a sword in my belly, yeah. Did I put it there? No, unless hold on. Are you an acrimansor?

No, I am an act. Sir Galthar the faceplied. Sir Galthar? Sir Galthar the faceplied. Sir Gothar? Sir Gothar the Faceblight. Sir Gothar. Sir Gothar you stand here before the Wizard Yusador, and I swear to thee that neither of my compatriots has dishonored the lady which you mentioned. Very well, I apologize for my accusations.

No, no, it's fine. I'm real quick Faceblind. Yes, I was formally Sir go through the brave. Oh, but I Tough story. I I'm so sorry interrupt is this one of those things where it's an ironic nickname where it's like oh my gosh This guy is so good at seeing faces. Let's call him sir golf. I'm the face blind. Come with me good tiny. No, no, it's I Oh boy, I was riding a horse a couple years ago All far the face blind. Call the big guy, Tiny. No, no, it's a, oh boy. I was riding a horse a couple of years ago. Yeah, I just lost my footing and I fell off the horse

and I hit my head. Oh, no. I've had some cognitive trouble ever since. I'll be able to do that. Yeah. It's a part of your brain. There's a part of your brain that recognizes faces. Sure. Of course. It's broken. I don't recognize people's faces anymore.

Not at all. I've never heard of anyone losing their footing on a horse. How are you writing it? Well, I was prototyping a new style. It was one foot on. One foot on what? One foot on the stirrup. The other foot, guess what that was doing? On the back of the horse. In the same stirrup. So, double footing one stirrup. As like trying to death at the tension and admiration

of a young maiden and went around a rampart hit my head, knocked completely out. woke up and I cannot see a face. I just see these fleshy mounds on sticks and they're talking at me and I don't know any of them. I couldn't recognize my own father that I've got a follow-up question. Yes. Can you not see bodies? Yeah, man I'm not a stick I'm not great with bodies. I'm not great, but I can recognize what a body is But honestly you've got to move the arms first if you don't move the arms it all kind of blends together for me Sure, I also take a little bit of offense at the term mounds on stick because I have nuts

Oh Some don't yeah some some don't yeah, so yeah, I just prefer not to be called the fleshy mound But I apologize for your situation that sounds terrible it has not been easy It's me it's aren't you the one with the sword? Yes, I apologize, it's okay. It's not been easy. It is alright, sir. We are honor you in your service. What flag, what kingdom do you serve as a knight?

Eswan Fylti to King Hackerbrit. King Hackerbrit? King Hackerbrit, King Hackerbrit? King Hackerbrit, yes. Uh-huh. That is my king. Everyone in this area has kind of hard to say names. Yes. Yeah. What was your name again?

Glucar, the faceplyne. Glucar, the faceplyne. Okay. Hackerbrit. Okay. What is your name? Arnie, kneecamp. I'm from another world.

I've got a sword in me. And I'm a chunt. I'm pretty much a shifter. So if I shift shape, just know that it's still me. I'll try and talk you through it. All right. And I am Usadopal. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fizziest master of light and shadow,

manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trockus, known to the elves as fying elok, known to the dwarves as Stoninhoog's Tangir. Is all these names are for one person? No, no, no, the northeast is guess-niest may star and then maybe other secret names names so powerful that if uttered aloud could cure face blindness oh what yeah oh what what what what what what is that no it's a secret name oh come on you your secret names are barely a secret. If one of your secret names dare you.

If one of these secret names can cure low-far here. Gluthor. Gluthor. Do you mind if I call you FB? For Faceline? FB. Yes, no, I like it. Yes, yes.

FB. The Faceline. FB, you said that you were going to kill us. Thank you for not. Yeah. You said it was for what reason? Many years prior, a foul night besmirched the honor of my lady, Lizabel.

Oh. Was at a tournament and she requested that he be her champion. Uh-huh. And he said yes. Oh. Is that any? Well, she did request it.

Yes, but the rules of night gym, there has to be a pattern of asking and then... So, okay, so you ask me if I'll be your champion. Oh, uh... FB, will you be my champion? Oh, me? I'm not worthy of such an honor. A gluther, please, be my champion. I beg thee. I couldn't fair maiden. The house deserve a better champion than I.

Will I shall ask for a third and final time? Will you please be my champion? I'm so desperate for a champion. Yes, and I'd would be most honor. And see that's how it goes. That's how you do it. It's three times. Yeah. And you're from the Midwest? You're from the Midwest? Yes. The western part of the Syrian. Painfully apologetic. Yes, if you go four grids up and one to the left, that's me. Oh, okay. Yes. On my world, I know you're a knight, but no means no. No, no, no.

The knight moves, we call them. The rules of conduct for a knight. They're very elaborate and prescriptive. The gallantry, the courtesy, it's all very elaborate. It's just measma of manners. It's...it's just how it's done. I see. A lady asking three times for someone to be your champion

is the correct amount of time to her to ask. Oh. It's obvious. It's how it's done in to do it otherwise. It's a grave dishonor. I see. What? Which must be a thing? Can I ask Lady Maribel when he said yes, did she seem into it? She killed herself on the spot. Wait, pardon me.

Wasn't it Lady Laribel? Yes. Oh. So who's Lady Maribel? I don't know. What of you? Oh. Oh, I think Arnie said it.

I did say it. Do you have name-difness? I do, kind of. I just can't remember names That's why I'm always like the talking badger the wizard who talks too much Oh, what the night whose name is confusing a talking flower? FB you mentioned at some point. I mean, I know you mentioned Lances And I know someone who might lance a lot might earn that moniker lance a lot You earned the moniker the brave. What did you do to earn that? Yeah, well

There was this one guy Right, I like how this starts. Yeah, this one guy Shaking with anger and he was very rude About horse protocol. How dare he? Making eye contact with horses which were not his own, addressing squires by their first name, making eye contact with pages, again, also bad. Yeah.

And anyway, so we were all talking, and I was like, I'm gonna go talk to that guy And I'm like, do not talk to that guy, that is a most weird night and I was like, I gotta do it So I walked up to him and I said, would you say, friendly, yeah, how dare you? Uh-oh And then, I slapped him with a glove, not even a gollett of glove? No, it removes the gollett and slapped him with a glove. Oh, not even a gollet, a glove? No, it removes the gollet and slapped him with a glove. Wow, it's very brief.

That was the correct thing to do, very brave. You've seen most familiar with the rules of shillery. Oh, yes. Over my though 300 years upon Foon, I have served with many knights and swore myty to many kingdoms. I Hear spread mine love and knowledge all over food to hope that someday we shall band together to defeat that dark Lord Oh the dark Lord is no friend of mine. Oh good. That is good. I'm just gonna take a very quick sidebar to ask John Did you hear you said or say that he spreads his love?

Yeah, I love all over Fune let me see that my time is waiting. I already did my tongue. Yeah You sorry will say since you know this world so well. Can you tell some? I'll see it over here I don't know can you tell us some more horse protocol. Oh, yes, maybe one more horse protocol Obviously you don't look it in the eyes if it's not your horse. That's correct. But first, as is appropriate, good so night, wouldst thou allow me to tell the rules of horse protocol to these unsworn, fealty-less names?

He's gonna say no twice and then yes the third time. This is exhausting. Perhaps I should take this burden. Oh, please, tonight, allow me to tell them the rules of horse protocol. Do you insist? I do beg of the good tonight. Please allow me to tell them the rules of horse protocol. So, maybe last turn. I bow deeply, yes. Oh, thank you, sir.

Well, you see, the thing about horses is, they're very temperamental if you don't treat them well. So, it's very important that you feed them a carrot, but not on the right side of their mouth, only on the left side of their mouth. And if you give them an apple, you must only give it to them every other day, unless it's a day of the week that has a seven in it. And then that day, you must cut the apple up into slices. Oh, an apple every other day. It's true. It's your horse happy.

I feel like the last couple of weeks we've been saying so many things that require me to pay attention. Oh, Arnie, I suffer the same thing ever since I- Oh, sorry, you're looking at me. Arnie's over there. Oh, yeah. That's me. Sorry, sorry. I must confess, I suffer the same problem. I must confess, I suffer the same problem. Ever since my accident I've been suffering from what we call a nighttime emissions.

Well, I can't remember chunks of time. Oh, nighttime omission. Yes, I see. Chunks of nighttime, my life, I don't remember. Yeah, so like you wake up in the morning and you don't remember how your sheets got so wet. I don't know where I am and I'm hot and I'm bothered and I'm sweaty and anything could have happened.

Sure, but I don't know. Yeah, is there ever anyone else around who could tell you what happened during that last time? Perhaps, but you have to ask them like, and also is it a person? Is it a lamp? You know, I mean, honestly guys? Sure.

How much time do you spend talking to lamps or inanimate objects? To be honest, I thought I encountered three strangers here yesterday and turned out it was one tumbleweed and a rabbit. There were three people who can tumble even one rabbit. No,, there were three people who could don't move in one rabbit. No, you got a bad man. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I turned around and I was like, you're one entity and I looked, you're one entity and I looked back and I was like, you're a brand new entity and so I thought three. So I spent the morning talking about chivalry and waiting for them to address me and, you know, come to find out nothing. Buddy, buddy, that's a knight terror. Yeah, that sounds awful.

It's also possible that you saw the tumbleweed, then you saw the rabbit, and as the weed continued to tumble, onwards, behind the rabbit, that could be the third one. How was that it? We said you were so wise? Okay, thank you. Was it, I must ask you. Earlier, your friend referred to you as Johnny Assault Seed. What? Finally, somebody noticed it. What sort of magic is this? Well, it's an insult.

Which I, I tend to ignore the insults that, uh, my compatriots, a labyrinth mine direction, for there is no reason to, uh, lower mine self to their state. Well said, I apologize for partaking in the smutly of you. No, no, no, it is fine. Uh, for there is some truth to what they speak that I do go from town to town, letting people know about the great dangers that the Dark Lord holds in his hands, that he could in a time use those terrible weapons of hatred and fear to destroy us all, and the only way to defeat hatred and fear is with love. So I remind them of all the good and happy and positive things in the world, and then

these two assholes make it sound like something lascivious that I'm going around being all nasty. You're a nasty boy. I'm a little bit of a nasty. Yeah, a little nasty. A little bit of a nasty boy. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. FB, I'd be a remiss if I didn't ask you. You are a knight.

And what comes along with that is obviously a great suit of armor. Can you describe for our listeners what you look like just because it's such a unique piece? Well, thank you very much. I, this is a coat of arms passed down to me by my father. Oh, we were an iron family. They married into a tin family, so it's an elevation of iron and tin. Oh, huh. I'm, of course, on top of my nightmare.

My father had a night stallion, but I had it a nightmare. Let's see, I'm wearing several tokens of affection from several maintenance. Oh. I, of course, arches, one cum-a-bund, and several locks of hair. Now, is that shirt underneath your armor? Would you call that a night shift? I would!

Yes! Wizard, you are so familiar with the rules. That's all I thought I saw. The voice was different, yes. Yeah. Now you said you several tokens from several ladies, or do tell. It is a happy news but also tragic.

No. Several maidens have besieged me to take on a quest to retrieve a lost sword to Killer Dragon to Syra Goat. Oh, all things with faces? What's the last one? Syra Goat? Yes, to Syra Go goat to give birth to a goat Kill a dragon to sire a goat. Yes, and to find a sword. That's I got to say

Is that a common thing for a maiden? Well for this for this kingdom? Uh-huh for this kingdom. Yeah. Yes. It's pretty common. Okay. I gotta ask Do you do it? Well, that's the thing, I did do it. Wow. I've accomplished my quest. Well done. I go to return to the maiden to the former of this good news, and I'm talking to a tumble wheat farm.

Oh, yeah. I could never take these off. I gotta say, sir, you know, I am from another world, I don't understand things, and I am certainly not familiar with rules of chivalry. I do worry how much is it just like possibly people fucking with you before with the tumbleweed and the rabbit. It could also have just been three people that didn't want to talk to you, so they left and you just then saw the tumbleweed and the rabbit.

Yeah, if I may, let's hear you so Rynarney let's switch around here. Now watch this and see if you can tell the difference FB. Oh, I am a fan maiden and I require you to kiss a dog. I am a mighty tumbleweed. I shall grant you these boon favours. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I will say I'll just request it. I wait, first of all, I'm so nervous. We also, I think we might have fallen on another thing. Are you request blind? Well, I, oh boy.

What just happened to pass five seconds? I, who are you? All right. I'm the sword guy. Sword guy, yes, okay, all right, Tommy. I keep going back to that because I know weapons you seem to really lock in. Very good with weapons. Wizard, staff. Wizard, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, all right. I keep going back to that because I know weapons you seem to really lock in very good with weapons wizard staff Wizard yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and I'm a shape shifter badger currently all right

Okay, should we mix up and start that try that again? Yeah, yeah Made in uh fair maiden me and my girl. Fuck me Ah, Fermaden. Me, I'm a girl. Fuck me. Fermaden, I can read between the lines and know what you want me to do. At least be careful, there are three strangers about. Three?

One was it. One a stabbed man. And the third, some sort of mountainous creature. Please forgive this deception. I was used at all the entire time. Ah! And I played. No character in the scenario I thought you were tree honestly. I thought you were tree I was thinking about being a tree, but then I just couldn't commit to it.

You have a lot of tree qualities to you. Boy, uh, now that you mention it, this possibility that people are mocking me that um, I am being played as a jester had not occurred to me yet. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, I could be wrong. What do I know? I just was worried about the possibility of it. Oh, my young friend, you seem quite wise. Well, young, you clearly face-blind. I'm not sure you was talking to me. Well, do you ever hear this sort of thing? Hello, I'm a young maiden, and I need you to kill a dragon and sire, I go! Yeah, do you recognize Giggle?

Do they giggle right after they speak that request? And then after the maiden giggles, several more people behind her giggle and go, stop it. There is, oh, there has been a lot of giggling. I thought perhaps that was a new sort of coy. No. And do you hear a lot of this? Karen, you're so bad. Stop it that poor night. Stuff like that.

I do hear you're so bad. After the person gives me the task. I often hear you're so bad, or girl, don't play that man. Yeah. Oh, and do you ever hear like, oh shit, I can't believe he's totally falling for this trick where we tell him to sigh or a goat Which how could he even do that? But he's gonna do it. Yes Once or twice once or twice And you're here like a goat from behind them go please me please me please me the goats do talk gentlemen

Please me, please me. The goats do talk, gentlemen. Oh, FB. What, what, you some are? At night, that can't see. That can't recognize people who can't trust his memory. You're still a knight, you can do good. Just because... Am I what purpose do I have?

You could get a desk job. Yeah, just because you're a saddle adult, doesn't mean you can't still contribute to the world in some way. I do hate the Dark Lord so much. You should just kill the Dark Lord. Yeah. You should kill the Dark Lord or kill the Dark Lord's minions. Oh, here's the thing. Can I give you a quest? Yes, you're made. I think there's no say no or how am I going to do that?

No, he's supposed to be alright. It's good. I think there's no say no or huh am I Oh Oh It's alright. It's alright. It wasn't the next code. No, it's alright. I think I would be the one who would say no No, no. It's because he sensed innately that Arnie is into the real lady This isn't a lady, but Arnie you're learning a low bow and commoner. Oh social graces don done apply to Lord War and Commerce. Yeah. Was it made me true that some part of me does recognize that this was no maiden? I believe that in your heart of hearts, you know that this is no lady. Why would I lie to myself? Oh no. But look, I have a quest for you if you will accept it.

I'm not worthy of such a task. But you know what? I still have a quest for you if you will accept it. I can do no such thing, I'm helpless. I have a quest for you if you will accept it. I'm face blind and useless. I'm not good with numbers. Nonetheless, it would do my heart good if you would take this quest from me. If you were so helpless that you cannot help yourself, I will dain't help you.

Now you have to refuse. You have to refuse. Sorry, I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. And he'll beg you to do it. Please. Please. I'm turning away from you.

45 degrees. Oh, second refusal. You should be offering food. Second refusal. Here's a hot cross-bond. Oh, thank you. No, no, no, refuse the food. This is the hardest part.

Okay, no. Thank you for the, and also no. Now I couldn't possibly have either the, the, the bun or the help. It is no problem. Go ahead, kids. Third refusal, but would you like some ham with that bun? And say, say, say, say, say, say, no to the bun, yes to the ham. Uh, it's not the hardest.

Drop the buns, put the ham in my mouth. Here we go. This is my third and final refusal. I accept your hand bun. End your task. Okay. Yeah, the bun goes to the night. Okay.

Okay. Alright. Now you say yes, say thank you. Thank you. And now tell them to task. The task is I need you in the quest that affete the Dark Lord to kill drip thing now curtsy And now Arnie you got a break Okay, no, I couldn't possibly go to break no Arnie go to break. No, I'm so sorry

I understand how important it is to you, but I am not We're gonna take a break. We'll be right back with more FB you fucking love born idiot FB you fucking love born idiot And we're back and no we couldn't possibly be no we're back. Oh Arnie used to do I feel bad But for the last 15 minutes FB has been talking to that desert pig Could not possibly except your head is marriage. Yeah Should we intervene and stop him from marrying this desert pig? He seems so happy. He seems so happy.

I'm not sure he's gonna find anybody else. Yeah. Please, desert pig. Pin this bread to my armor. Pin this bread to my armor? Oh, oh. All the pig ate the bread. Oh, made in.

Mm-hmm. Must quite, Please, please! Sir, Glutha, that pig just ran away. That pig that you obviously knew was a pig the whole time. Yes, I did. The pig. Yes. The literal pig.

Not the figurative pig, the literal pig. The literal pig, yes. Okay, yes. Yes. Now, before the break uh Arnold had just tasked the with a great quest does that feel thou up to the task to kill drip fit yeah he's the necromancer that I want dead now I mean I try to be his friend try to see if you could have some redemption but I would I think at this point I would like him

to be dead this is I understand This could be particularly tricky for you though. Oh yeah. Drift Fang is made up of many, many snakes. So it's many, many faces. A lot. Oh, faces. I think I have a plan. FB, if you don't mind.

Yes. What I'm going to do is I'm going to tell you a few descriptors of a person's face. And then by the end of it, you should have an idea of what they look like. So no glasses, with a mustache, bald, wearing a tie, one pierced ear, guess who?

As a child, I was given a magnet toy, there were feelings and I would scrape iron across and the feelings with it, sort of, be manipulated to represent a visage of a wizard or a cobbler or some other tradesman. I'm seeing one of those things, you know. Yeah, like this might help. How tall is this Neckarbouncer? You know what? Oh, this is complicated because. It's very good with heights. I wanna see 70 snakes high.

Yeah, he lost some snakes at some point. So he actually sometimes is a little bit shorter. Good for him, isn't there? It's hard to do, it's hard to do. It's hard to do. So how does it look? It's height can vary, It's hard to do. It's hard to do. It's high can vary, yes. Yeah.

I thought your description was Bruce Willis. That's what I was going for. You keep describing Bruce Willis? Yeah. You said he died hard. And then he died harder. What? And then things went really downhill.

What happened? Let's see here. He died hard with a vengeance. yeah so he came back he but then he lived free oh that's good bloody died hard or he died hard he wanted he lived free or died hard sorry and then which wasn't and then he did a really like god awful movie I don't remember what it was called huh I. Can you describe the movie? Um, I think Timothy Allefon does it? That's about all I know.

I gotta say, look, here's the thing. I stuck around much longer than I should have. Sure, I mean, a bald man and an elephant. That's an unwatchable movie for sure. Yeah, I've been by the last one. I was just like, nothing. Well, you were justified in turning that off. So FB, what can... What can, you're doing us a great service

by killing drip thing, is there something we can do for you? Is there a task that you can, can we take some of those medallions off your chest to finish some of your quests? Well, earlier, the wizard here, let's chunt. Sorry, you're talking to me. Partis, earlier the wizard here, Got it? Okay. Yeah, that's it. The wizard here mentioned that, uh, perhaps there's a spell that can cure face-by-ness. Oh, yeah, what are the secret names? And I...

dare not... ask for such a great boon, but... if there would be any way possible for you to... explore this or... uh, just consider it, it it would fill my heart with joy. I'm afraid it is quite impossible. Yes it or. Huh kind of sucks that you set that up up top. No no no it's part of the courtesy. Oh yes. Oh because I was gonna say usually like when someone has a problem you're just like just ready to... With bang bing bong I know all they get at work.

Very well with said I must not you know I I would do anything. I would stab anyone. Oh, yes. Put this faith, but could be granted. But I ask you not to darken my doorstep with this request for dark magics to alter the world any further. I would do anything, literally anything. I would have sex with a goat. Should that bring you happiness? He could push it for that, cause't really seem like a big ass. No, no, no, I could not.

Under any circumstances, use this secret name of mine to return thine sight to its full power. And should the hand button not be there? That might be something. He's left the hand upon the table. Okay. And the button. hammer upon the table. Okay. And the button. Now he turns around.

Do you see what he's doing? Turn it around. Waiting for me to take the hammer and the button. Yeah. He puts his hammer on your head. When you dip heatips? We dip. Do you dip the hammer? Yeah.

I dip. I dip the hammer. Damn, damn, damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Time was... I... accept. I shall use the power that is here inate in mine being to help you see clearly once again. Ha ha ha! Well met, wizard. Well met. Oh. I'm so thankful. Oh, he seems so happy. I'm so excited.

I'm really, really excited. I'm really excited. Are you using that also somewhere from where you're from? Well met. Uh, well met. He'll well met. Yeah, well met is part of Ohio not. You said Bill Murray is from there?

Sure, I would know that. Uh, but I gotta be honest that this is not easy to admit. I'm geography blind. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, hi, oh, it sounds like a beautiful place. It's okay. It's just okay.

Parts of it. Yeah. So FBU accepted the ham, which means... Which means now I must reveal the full cost of using this secret name to return your sight. Okay. You shall be able to see faces again, but you'll never see anything else. Hmm. What?

Only faces. Wait, wizard. And... Ham will be flavorless to the... I mean, that seems very minimal compared to the rest of it. What about butts? What about butts? Can you see butts? Can you reckon at butts?

No, no, no, well, they also be flavorless. Yes, you'll be able to see goat faces, and butts have no part of it Well, Wizard, I understand your terms, but I must say I a world of only faces holds no life for me Can I ask? Yes. What are some of the things that you love to see that you love to look upon? I love to watch night court What's this? Only the Knights have a... They have their own court system.

Oh, yes. Simple. He's the best. Sons hilarious. Sir Larichette. Uh-huh. He's the Magic Knight? Is that him?

Yeah, okay. No, that was Sir Anderson. That's it. That's right. That is always so beautiful to watch the night court Of course my nightmare. I love my nightmare To have it all disappear My friends I'm a somebley refuse

Okay, I'll film a few more times No, no, no, I'm afraid I must do it. No, I must refuse. I would like to see things other than faces. So you're sure you don't want me to do it? Absolutely. No hands on the table. Very well then. I retract my offer. But it'll been. Why didn't you give me a pretzel?

I need all my pretzel. I need everything in my snake, Bendel. What were you going to ask, FB? Why he didn't give a pretzel? Yeah, sorry. Pretty good. I still have a moment to roll in. Can I miss you, D. Oh, from another world.

Oh, hi, oh. Beautiful, lad. I'm sure. It's okay. Believe it or friends today. Believe that I've gained three fellow knights. Huh. Around my table. Well, we're not. I mean, you could knight us if you want.

Well, I couldn't actually, the king would have to knight you. Still, that you consider us comrades, equal in stature to thee is quite an honor and I thank thee for this wonderful compliment. Well, you're welcome. Oh no, no, thank you. Thank you. I'm gonna have some chicken salad right now Does anyone else want to maybe This chicken salad is not as fresh as it could be I've had been wandering the desert for hate to hear that some time But it's such a tiny desert

It's an eight foot by eight foot desert. You've been wandering it for some time for some time. Oh, fuck You've been walking in circles now you two have to say no no no no clear the mayonnaise hasn't gone bad Even though it clearly has no no no no the mayonnaise clearly hasn't gone bad for mayonnaise. It's always good Oh, he took out his sword. FB, I understand you can't see faces, your face blind. You should be able to tell that the desert ends here and the rest of the field starts there. What's going on?

What is grass but the face? Something around. I mean, come on. Think about it. Think about that kid. Fuck you. Hold on, hold on. Watch your. We're gonna fuck that. Fuck you hold on hold on watch Ground face grass is ground face. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. I'm gonna die in this fucking hill

But the face no no no grass is not don't die on this hill What is the hill but the butt of the ground? No? Yes, what is the deal but the fuck of the ground? What is it with you and butts right now? I don't know. I'm sorry, but everything is not faces, okay? Because if that were the case, then you would want to say you said or a secret name because you could only see faces. And if everything is faces, that would work out. I mean, the knees are not the face of the leg.

I also had a bad sense of direction. I have for quite some time. I have a new theory. Okay. Having maybe you're just blind. Oh, gosh. I have for quite some time. I have a new theory. Okay. I think maybe you're just blind. Oh, God. Uh, like, oh, it's very dark. It's impossible to tell. It's, let's, let's up your visor.

Oh, yep. No eyes there. Oh, no, you have no eyes. I have to have eyes. I don't have eyes. You have to have eyes. Oh, wait, I know. I think I figured it out. You got eyes in your butt.

What? Okay, let's lift up the back visor. Yep, two eyes right in his butt. Peace. I was right. You were right. That's not as my own weird new kink. Hey, let me pop these out.

I'm gonna pour a little water. Clean them off. Thank you. I'll pop them right back in here. Here we go. You ready for this? There's a normal thing we're doing. Hold on guys. There we go. If that were me, I would have washed them a little more thoroughly. See anything coming in? I do. You definitely have conjunctivitis. Okay. All right. Yeah, you got a big guy. Is that seeing some shapes now anything? Seeing shapes Just fleshy patches on sticks. Oh

But it's better than it was before 100% 100% yes Oh What a day. Yeah, does it my eyes when my my butt? I know I did, and so I tried. You want a Johnny S.L. seat? Found them. Exactly. That's why we should call in that. Can I ask, did you maybe you set your eyes down and then accidentally sit on? That sounds like something I would do.

Yeah. It really does. Yeah. You good. I'm so, I'm so absent-minded. Classic, you thought. Can I talk to you about my nighttime emissions? Yeah, you did, you did. Okay, that's it, yes. Look, are you gonna kill drip fang? I will stab whoever you tell me to stab. 70 snakes tall is the last thing I remember.

Yeah, that's great. Your memory's improving, but it fluctuates. God, I really want him to kill drip fang. But is it a bad idea for us to send him out just to kill somebody when we don't know who he's gonna stab? Yeah, I mean. Sometimes I'll chop, like I'll chop first, and then I'll stab, like depending on the angle of approach.

Sure, yeah, that makes sense. I don't slice. You can't always stab. You can't always stab, sometimes you have to chop, but I never slice. It's not slicing. It's a feminine. It's an effeminate move.

It's fit for maidens and ladies, yes. You know what? It's that sort of an old-fashioned way of thinking. I always raise that. I'm old-school. Well, the FB just think of the range of killing experiences that you're closing yourself off to just because you're worried that it's too feminine. This is true. Maybe it's just true.

It's just true of slicing. Try it. You should try it. Try slice. Try it. Yes. Yes. I'll try it. Jets. Good. I'll try it.

Good, you're good. And then I guess last thing to confront you about, or just a chat about, is I do see you have a badge on your armor that says 78 goats fucked in counting. Diamond status. What was it? Diamond status as you go up the certain levels of privileges. Oh my god. I'm Diamond status. Is that all one year?

Oh it does not roll over. Yeah. It's all one year, yes one count here. The clue thought I have to ask who is giving you this diamond status and what are the perks? Yes, what? Oh, so many it's kind of Easy access into the vote pen. Okay Easy access or first access both. No, there's a ramp that not all people get to use

Yeah, but then I get a wrap and I get more room to spread out. That's a problem from everything I've heard. And again, this is just second hand. I've heard that they've just made the process of fucking go more and more uncomfortable so that you need to get status. Mm-hmm. It's a little bit smaller every time they used to bring you snacks.

They don't bring you snacks. Maybe we should go back to talking about what's a little bit smaller every time. They used to bring you snacks. They don't bring you snacks. Maybe we should go back to talking about what's a feminine or not. So this is so high, how do we relate to an audio there? Ooh, there we go. Now there's a question. Yes, let's get into this. Now that's what I call questions.

That's okay. Gentlemen, I promise you, this drip thing, slice it, I will chop. Can you walk through your process? Like, how are you gonna find drip fang? We just wanna make sure we don't accidentally send you off to just randomly kill the wrong people. Okay.

Yeah, how do we know you're not gonna take 10 paces, turn around and kill us? Oh shit, shit! Okay, my move, now that I'm face blind, I'll say, hey, what's up? Drip thing? And one of someone says, What?

I take my sword out, but I do not stop. Oh, okay. But it's out. Okay. All right. Looming threat. If they say yes, that means they are drip thing, and I should stab them.

What if they say, what's that now? Well, then I have to repeat it louder. What if they say, what's that now? Well, then I have to repeat it louder. What if they say like drip thing, but it's kind of, it's hard to tell whether there's a question mark at the end? I would stab. Oh. I would stab. What if they don't admit to being dripping for two turns,

and then on the third time you say it, they do admit to being dripping? Very Carties. That's very Carties. Have I been presented with a snack? Oh yeah, I assume. One can only assume. Then I would not stab because I believed that this neaker man said would not abide by the rules of shivalry. Ooh. Interesting take. You know what I mean? You have to put yourself in the perspective of the person you want to kill, but cannot recognize So what do I owe about this guy?

May the stakes may the stakes 70 snakes tall sometimes it fluctuates Mm-hmm. If I hear someone talking. Oh, I feel so much better since I lost those snakes My ears pick up. Yeah, so you might accidentally kill a zookeeper Yes, Yes, but the odds, the odds, I mean, there's a real possibility that this necromancer could kill. So who's grads a new diamond status? Oh, so there is a consortium of different goat herders. Just people in the community. It's a lot of different people interested in this.

It's not a badge that I make and give myself. All right. I have no idea how to tell that last but. Yeah. Okay, but it's not, that's not what this is. This isn't something that I'm kind of. He's just funny this is 70, 70 goats fucked and counting. Yes.

The end counting part, it makes me a little suspicious. Seen as a pregnant oasis. Well, it's a journey. Also the goat on that badge has no face. Ooh. It does, it does not have a face. Busts. Mm-mm. No.

Okay, well, I was told it did when I bought it from the person that made it. They were like, this is a very accurate goat. Congratulations again. And counting. Oh my gosh. Uh-huh. A trip thing.

Boys. I hear something. I want him to kill drip thing, but I just don't see. I just have a hard time believing he's ever gonna do it. And then I'm also, and now I'm starting to worry, what if he accidentally kills Grip Lang? Remember we met that guy Grip Lang? He's great.

I don't know why we never got him on the podcast. Yeah, I like Grip Lang a lot. Who also made of snakes? Yeah. Oh yeah. He is made of snakes. So if you meet a Grip Fang made of snakes, kill him. Kill him.

If you meet a Grip Lang made of snakes, don't kill him. Don't kill him. Yeah. Got it? Light chop. No, don't. No chops. But no slice.

Hear me out. Hear me out. As someone who is face-spin, it's super helpful that you have a sword sticking through you right now. I mean, just in terms of understanding who you are. Sure. Are you're coming from? Yeah.

Telling you away from you. That's what I think you just pointed to nobody No, I'm over here big hat. Ah, yes So I'm thinking if you have a friend that's made of snakes and he has a sword sticking through them the next person I see you made of snakes it does not have a soul through I see so are you suggesting that your best kind of like coping mechanism is to stick a sword into every person that you shouldn't kill? Not fatally. I'm nonfatal stabbing.

Clevver. Ha. Well, the system works. Well, FB, a pleasure to meet you. I am concerned a little bit that the minute we leave, you're gonna continue to wander this little desert. But I will wander with a purpose by fellows, a purpose, the slay drip thing,

and non-fidley stab all of us. Yeah, I mean, the odds that drip thing's gonna walk into this eight foot by eight foot desert is very slam. I'm there, slam. But I do already see several goats eyeing this patch of sand. Some of them are cute too. All of them are cute as well.

I think, alright, we'll see you guys this is really great. This is what? All of them are cute. Aha! Trippin! Fear me! How do you know they're cute? They're goats!

Cute! THE GOAT! What a real shame! The quest for the artifacts that will help the Dark Lord cheat death and lead to a secret cave revealed that the artifact was gone and replaced with a slip of paper with someone's initials on it. I mean, there's on the nose and there's, Hi, I'm gonna break your nose while I plagiarize your ideas. Luckily, the owner of the ideas is busy writing fan fiction about

mechanical pooping on the floor. Use it or the, uh, was played by Matt Young. Chunk the, uh, was played by Adolf Refeier. Sir Gulfhor the night was played by special guest Bill Cochran. So many members of Cook County Social Club have gone on to wild success and acclaim. So many. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rathai, post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz.

Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Tim Joyce, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Finally, apologies for the background noise occasionally heard during this week's episode. A then unmistakable Kevin Sorreta, pounding on the studio door, shouting, hey anybody, I'm free to record this week. I have a bunch of joke ideas to filter through my character.

I've been watching Mike and Molly and have a better understanding of how timing works. Yes, it did go on for a long time. But we've learned the hard way when you respond to him, it just gets worse. Rest assured, next time we'll have animal control on hand to deal with him. hand to deal with him.