Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 31 - Thieves (w/ Superego's Matt Gourley, Mark McConville and Paul F. Tompkins)

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

The podcast is interrupted by the surprise appearance of three dastardly members of the thieves guild.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSqueen: Paul F. TompkinsMike: Matt GourleyKevin: Mark McConvilleMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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chef's call, le soupe pure d'enge. And when you take your spun sugar to write out, you won't see me coming. Just make sure to leave plenty of room for... Oh my goodness, so sorry! Just recording the end of my cooking for revenge podcast. Big hit on the dark web. Anyway, here we are at this government facility where I'm certain I've been left to slowly go insane. Kind of a milgram experiment reboot with extreme boredom. Still, it's given me time to edit together Grace and Frankie, 9-5, and Big Business to finally create what I call the Tomlin Fondiverse. Now, how about we see what meaningful story progress our heroes will do everything in

their power to avoid? Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnee Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About four years, 11 months, and a couple weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I used that signal to upload a podcast. I record every week chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord and I'm joined as always by my good bud. He's a talking badger. He's sitting with me across the table at the bowlegged moose which is the tavern we're in. Chant the talking badger. Oh yeah baby. How's question it? How you doing bud? I'm doing pretty good.

I just had a fascinating conversation with a local bargoer. Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. Is Françoise the fancy earthworm? Françoise the fancy earthworm. Well, the name Françoise. Like is there like a region of fune

that that name would be? Lois for same as Fran. Oh, that's the same as Soil. Oh Françoiseimus Fran. Uh huh. Last name is Swah. Oh, Fran. Swah. I'm running that down. I don't know much. He's an earthworm with the monocle on the top hat.

I gotta say, he looks more like a gym to me. Really? Yeah. I would call that earthworm gym. I'm also a joker. Why are you grinning? Oh, just earth people. Smug fuck.

Shun, please. I know we've been traveling so much and the artifacts we're looking for, the last one was already taken before we got to it. And I promise that's all the plot work. I'm gonna do this episode, but I know that we didn't get that artifact, but it's all right. We don't need to be stressed out.

We'll get the next one. We'll get the next one. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usur or the Wizard. I am Usur or a 12 the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius Master of Light and Shadow. Minipulator of Magical Delights. Devour of Chaos. Devour of Chaos. Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus.

The elves noomiest fiend, Yalek. The dwarves noomiest, Zunin and Hook Stingies, and I am known in the northeast. As gasmweinius may star, and there may be other secret names. Oh, names that if air uttered aloud would most assuredly cause your very nipples to multiply. My nipples would... Your very nipples. Might these, this very nipple? Yes. Yes, oh, you'd have thousands.

Wait, when you say this very nipple, do you only have one nipple? Well, I was just squeezing one at the time. Oh, okay. Yeah, not both. Yes, you'd have That's right you better put up your hands. We've come for you good. Oh, brigands. Is this a robbery? Here now, what have we got in front of us? Hey, it looks like a little badger a magic man and Little Badger, a Magic Man, and some sort of sword tour. We'll be taking everything you've got and then a little bit of something extra. Arnie, stop squeezing your nipple. Put your hands up. Alright, stop right there. We'll take that nipple with well.

Oh no, I need that nipple. I'll get it from the nipple. If I can give a us all your nipples! Now here, foul brigands, You have run afoul of Yusod or the Wizard, And I shant stand by quietly, whilst you steal my friends nipples. So prepare to debattle! Rob, guy, I heard you got thousands of nipples.

How did you hear that? I listened in through the door. Oh... Every thief knows magic men got all kinds of nipples all How did you hear that? I listened in through the door. Every thief knows magic men got all kinds of nipples all over him everywhere. Oh, types of nipples too! Fat one skinny ones round one square ones little ones that have the shape of a jigsaw puzzle. Nipples that climb on rocks even nipples were chicken pox Upside-down ones tall ones and small ones one you can eat with a blue fish one with a red fish Every color of the rainbow as well

That's taking it a little far. I'm sorry Gentlemen you have us by by the shorts here, but can I ask great? Are you all perverts? by the shorts here, but um... can I ask, are you all perverts? Chant, you asked that of everybody, we... I just want to know if they're perverts. Er, we're not perverts. We're thieves, we're in a guild at all! A thief's guild? A 120 first!

Local! Here's our cards! Oh, thank you! Thank you! These are very nice. What kind of uh, what kind of scroll is this uh, app made out of it's Lamanited papyrus thank you very much and what would call this off-white or cream bone

Comminator I got them back We can't just get these cars to anyone. They stole the cards They distracted us by saying there's a minotaur which there is and then they yanked them back You got to remember a B. C Always be They distracted us by saying there's a minotaur, which there is, and then they yanked him back. You gotta remember, ABC, always be stealing. Right. I'm very concerned, uh, for you have just given us a business card and we could clearly read it. But do you know how to read? No.

Why would we? Don't need it, never did! But we can spell. True! Like, um, give me a word, I'll spell it. Okay, your word is oxymoron. Oxymoron. Give us your goods!

Pfft! He's got you there. I can't tell if he was changing the subject or if he doesn't know what spelling is. Oh, fuck, my nipples are gone. Oh. You're next, Roy! Mother, fuck, my nipples are gone. Oh. Yeah, that's right! Mother fuck.

Let me offer you some deal here, you thieves. If I- Oh, you're gonna try to bargain with us, magic man. He must be the smart one! That's right. It's the other two in dumb men. Well, for years I would say, yes. The life we astute to the dumb earth.

Oh, with the dumb earth. I thought in his chest. To be fair, none of us are smart. How dare you if you decide to become guests on our podcast today and tell us of all your amazing Adventures as we listening we shall give you We'll give you a neweration That is even greater than what you would have stolen. They stopped listening? Nope. Still listening?

You stopped talking. Would you like to be paid to be on the show today? Payed on a podcast? Yes, it was heard of it. Well, it's more an honorarium, but yeah, it's not, look, I'd be honest with you as not as much as you deserve, but it's like, Dean from a baby. This is a quid pro quo. It's not as much as you deserve, but... It's like... Koi! Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi!

It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi!

It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi!

It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! It's like Koi! Who knows? No one knows. Well, that's a small one. I'm the dumb guy. Look, none of the things are here. Who we are in the same room, are you all? It means this for that. Oh. Does it? Yeah.

Why do you tell me? Because I've been hiding it, keeping it a secret. But why were thieves were supposed to be honorable against each other? Because the vibe gave you the meaning of quid pro quo. You'd have to give me something you know what it won't do that Please so it's sort of like tit for tat. Thank you. Yeah, if you want to be a pervert about it We've got some tat. I have a tattoo of some dits. Oh A tit tat. Yeah, give me a break me off a piece of that tit tat

Look we would love to interview you on my podcast and I I should let you know We're already recording, is I don't know if that's like ethically a good thing to do. These microphones are recording everything you say. We would love for you to sign this release scroll, if you could. Now look here, we're thieves, get it? So you will appear on your podcast,

but you can't pay us because it's not what we do, so you have to pretend that we're robbing you at the end. Yeah, put the money in a little box at the end and then like turn around for a bit. And our identities have to remain anonymous. Well, it's changed our accents. I've been changing it the whole time. I think I have to, but not on purpose. Hey, let's switch accents and really throw them for me.

Oh, no. That's right. It's time to get who the who. Yeah, because I'm a guy who's love to be a thief. I know, but it can teach me if I'm up in the roof. Could I have some nourishment, please? Yeah, let me get you with your permission. I'd like to put my hands down and maybe I'll run to the bar and grab us some, um, mozzarella wands? No, hands down!

The mission's not granted! Hands remain up at all times! So when you come back from that bar, I expect to see mozzarella wands to the sky! Well, I see, you want me to keep my hands up and make the bartender take the change out of my pocket? You pervert. Yeah! I'm a talking! Maybe I am a pervert!

Uh, Shawn, while you're there, would you get a rag or something? There's just a lot of spit on this table. Yeah, yeah, I'll go pick it up. Now, where were we? Okay. Prith record. We're recording our iron, just to make sure everything we've bought board always travel with a zoom record Tathcam that's my name Tascam and on zoom

So would you mind telling me and now I know you all want to remain anonymous would you like to come up with pseudonyms for yourselves for the interview just to make it a little bit easier? Yeah! Yeah! My name's Kevin! My name's Queen! My name's Mike. I know long story.

Let's hear it! Well, it goes a little something like this. I was born. I was named. I was blamed.. I was born. I was named. I was blamed. And I was framed. And that's how I became Mike the thief. Oh.

That's some mozzarella ones. Did he say he's Mike the thief? You voted me. I think so. Are you the, can you say Sassafras? Sassafras! No. Did you get that rag?

Oh, it's everywhere. I'm the one who made the Kethel Heist and under 12 million. Now wait a- for a second. 12 million parsecs per second. Per piece. Yeah? I've heard of a pirate making in our second, 12 seconds. Can you confirm that?

Why? Is this because I sound like a pirate sometimes? I'm not trying to. But are you trying to not do? I'm trying desperately not to so like a pirate. Oh no. I want to so like a thief. Stink him up!

Oh, well, they're still up, still up. Yes, still up, still up our hands are over our hands. No, not you, not you too, not you too. Well, that was good though. I believed it. You know, I have always wanted to know, as thieves that belong to a thief skilled, what is the code of honor that binds the altogether? It's a five-part code!

Great! Here come the parts! Never sleep! Number one. One. Never keep anything you steal. Two. Never creep on your fellow thieves in the middle of the night. Three. Never sheep! You can have sex with anything else.

Oh, four. Never steep! Anything that's not teased. Oh, five. That might be the most important one. And you said you never keep anything you steal, so what are gonna do with my nipples? No, no your business. We hear what happens We steal them from you then we take turns stealing them from each other So we're always stealing a bit see always be stealing got your nipple

I've got yours. I'll get it back. That's right Then we know anything possession of any of the things! And at night we put all the nipples in the nipple keep. Is that like a humidor for nipples? You've seen one! Yes, of course! Oh, it's pretty big! Everything one like this...

Whoa! Have you ever seen a nipple humidor so packed to the rafters with nipples is this none of these nipples are dry Looks like a box of pepperoni What is that I was about to say this was the finest nipple keep I've ever seen Inch of you it was a box of pepperoni. Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- Inch- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- In- BOTS! Oh, he'd love to hear it. Oh, here we go. Yes. Number one! Oh, and I'm so sorry to interrupt. Do you mind telling them in reverse order? No, we prefer it. Could we road it backwards so it's gonna sound forward?

Ha ha ha ha! Step one! Put the nipples in the box. And that's step five. Yep. Step two, approach the box. Step three! Look for people who might see you looking in the box

Step four is that a box over there? Step five, I just fucking stole a bunch of nipples Incredible what a fascinating tale and can I ask when you steal nipples would you steal knipples in the morning? Nipples in the morning. Yeah, in the morning. Nipples in the evening. Nipples in summertime. When these are stealing nipples, you'll have nipples any time. It's not the only thing we steal. It's true. Don't get the idea that we just steal nipples because we steal everything. Goods, valuables, Jewels, services. Clearly, that's all a cover- up for the nipples, right?

Right. So you're looking at me. Miley nipples. I've got to say, I have noticed when you talk about the other things you steal, there are a lot of generalities and the only specific thing is nipples. Give us one example. You said goods.

Jewelry, valuable stuff. No, that's fine. I asked for one. Also, is Michael right? I feel like... He's... Is he have asthma or something? He's kind of bopping and gold-lating it.

We all got a little bit of asthma. What it has to affect you to do that Kessel Run, and what is it? What, 12 million politics? It was a heist. They never said it was a Kessel Run. It was a Kessel. It was a heist. Sorry, excuse me. We've never run! It was a castle. Hice. Sorry, excuse me. Feeve never run!

And runners never thief. And this guy's got no part in this slogan. That's our motto. Can I ask Kevin, Squeam and Mike if the three of us wanted to become thieves or one of the- Are you kidding me? Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife.

Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. Oh, I'm gonna get you a knife. You think you're right? What do you know about Thven? Tell us everything! Tell us five things! Okay, number one.

It's scrambled order! Oh, okay. Number three, you have to distract before you retract. Number two and a half. Never forget to. Number five. Keep a horse running outside. Number two. Come on. Do outside. Number 2, comma.

Do the first half of the sentence. Now why are you making the numbers hard? And the number one answer on the board, always be stealing. Yeah, okay. Not bad. Oh boy. Pretty good. If you have the good leads.

Now then, if you like the good leads, now then. If you like to steal something, why don't you try to steal any one of me nipples? Good luck! He's got the underlock and key. On Disney Blother Netflix coming soon. He's also got them under cock and lead! And under spock and she. Have you figured out a riddle?

It was a man. Whoa! Maybe you could be a thief after all, magic man. Oh, you know I am capable. And here, I shall steal your nipple screen. Uh, wait, no I shan't look over there. It's a cuckoo clock. Ooh! I got your nipple! Ha ha ha! Uh, wait, no I shat, look, look over there, it's a cuckoo clock.

Ooh! Ah! I got your nipple! Ha ha ha! Look again! Huh! My hand is empty. And your nipple they're gone! Oh my nipples! And that's from the pirate with one eye, his other eye is covered with the nicotine patch.

Made of a nipple! I want to say it again! I'm not a pirate! Just because I talk like this and I've got it on my patch, I'm not a pirate! Okay, I talk like this and I've got an eye patch, I'm not a pirate. Okay, what about the parrot on your shoulder? Oh, this guy won't leave me alone. Too bad about your leg. Now, aren't pirates a type of thief, though?

Pirates are thieves. All pirates are thieves, but not all thieves are pirates. I don't know how to swim. See? That proves my point. I shall create a Venn diagram. Excuse me. Can I ask the three of you?

We were waiting on that diagram. Oh, it's gonna take him a while. Do the three of you, how did each of you get into Thieving? I was a Thiever major. Oh no, there's no money in that. I know, you dealt to my folks. When I was a wee baby in the crib, I thieved me first Thieve. I stole breath from a cat.

Well, I never, I've heard the reverse, but I've never heard that. Holy shit. He didn't even see it coming. He thought he had me. I saw a tiny cut filled with emeralds and rubies and I just took it and that I got the bug. And how long ago was that? Yesterday. He's new. He's very new. Well welcome aboard Kevin. Thank you. It's not really his name. It's kev. Shut up. Well.

Has a Thiever major, is there any superstition like you won't stay in a hamlet or anything you can't say while you're thieving? You can't say I'm that for one. Oh really? Oh your treacher's going to red leather or yellow leather pouch. A red leather or yellow leather pouch? Red leather yellow leather? Red leather yellow leather. I have to remember that.

Suzy don't need your double knee! I see your seat. Something is wrong with my seat. Like a devil, like a... Some sort of manion devil. I'm not feeling good. I think Mike is choking on something. His own tongue?

No, I... It's someone else's tongue. He stole it! I accidentally It's someone else's tongue. Oh, he stole it! I accidentally ate my own toboggan. Oh, no. Went down the wrong pipe? Yeah, if you can believe it went down itself! Wait, I am a groomer.

Well, if you take out a rib, you can go down on yourself. Is the groomer? Is the groomer? I've never tried. Oh, it's a fact. No man's son can do that. Get it? Seems like no one had a reaction on it. So anyway, how about your valuable?

Yeah, it's a bullshit. Let's get a look at what's in nose pouches. Go, never of gold coins Small idols some crystals Some gems Anything else that you need what you can do with that symbol this symbol Thimble just gonna have a list doesn't mean I can't although say TH Wait, did you say symbol or thimble?

Thimble? He said thimble! Like, what the thing is in monopoly that stands for a thimble? I need this thimble. It's very important to me. It was given to me by a nymph from the forest who said, Only use the most natural fibers and for air your clothes shall be stronger than steel So it's got sent email you Magical powers that's right I feel that give it here. Oh no place it on my wee little pinky. Oh, thank God That is I wasn't gonna say something. Thank God I'm then play that on my peel a little winky

You might be a pervert after. Here you are. There you go. There's your thimble. All the white touches shall be yours. If your P is winking, you should probably have that checked out. Now you little one. What have you got? Um, uh, yes sir. Let me check my fur. Um, okay, I have some uh, ticks who let's shone to me. No, thanks. I'll take down! You want the ticks? Yeah!

Well, he's new. I have some letters from my, from my child who's an egg, a giant egg. Your egg can write you letters? Well, he can vocalize, well, he wants to say, and they'll, somebody will describe it down and send it to me. Join egg letters, give them here! Okay, there you go, yes sir. What else? Ooh, let me, I could change into a possum and you could take more nipples Nipples the pothom got your martypial rights of you squirt milk. Let me check

Possible 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 is that right? Okay, take them all take them all take my nipples. So you're a shapeshifter wear in the skin of different creatures Can you turn into ten dogs for female? I guess I'd rather not but Kenya I could turn into ten different dogs, but not ten dogs at once. Well, let me try Ew, I'm ten little dogs connected at the tail I'm trying to run, but I'm just spinning in circles. Guys, help! Help me! It's disgusting.

I can't even, I'm like frozen in the spot. Well, let's congratulate each other on the wonderful transaction. You've been excellent, thief target. Would you mind filling out this survey? Oh, I think if you eat some oranges, that'll go away. Oranges or limes? Fervent this survey? Oh, I think if you eat some oranges that'll go away oranges or limes What did you think? I thought he said it's curvy clear your Scurvy I'm 10 little dogs what do I know now? He clearly said fill out this symbol

fill out this symbol. No, th- Th- Survey. So this survey is a symbol of your problem? T-H-U-R-V-E-Y. Believe me, that symbol's been filled out. Wake. Oh.

Don't worry, I'm filling out the survey during all this confusion. Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent. And you've done such an excellent job. Here is your gratuity. Well, now just hold it out, but turn your head. Oh no, I'm giving this to you. You can't steal it. I'm giving it to you. No, but...

We're not allowed to just take it! It's not... it makes us sick. I think I found a loophole. Actually, we'd love for you to take all of these things we put on the table. Well... Uh... If... Could you... No... Put them on the table. Well, if... If... Could you...

No. Put them on the table, but, uh, sort of... Turn your heads and talk about how much you'd hate for them to be stolen. Perhaps you could... Lead us to your house, put them all in there, and then we'll... Come back when you're not there, when you tell us that you're not there. Do you have one little beer can, save? Well, there is. I'm afraid? I'm sorry. Well, there he is.

I'm afraid, I do not. I do. It's, yeah, it looks like a can of beer, but you unscrew the bottom and it's way too close. Yeah, great. You put that with the stuff and we'll steal that. Do you have a little thing? Um, any false stones you might have. Do you have any keys in a fake doggy do-do?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Devin Kees in a real doggy do-do. Yes, I have keys hidden in all sorts of excrement. Demi, fake keys in any real stones. Do you have a keyed me stone? Have you ever put a stone in some doki-doodoo? Would you like to dance with the devil by the bell, Mom?

Would you like to swing on a star? Let's get stoned! Well, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back with these two thieves in a pirate Here right here you see this circle of pirates is entirely encapsulated by the circle of thieves Do you understand now, honey? It's what I said before that every pirate's a thief but not every thief is a pirate Yes, but here it's a clear venn diagram that even Arnold and Chunch should be able to understand. Are you talking about the circle of fifths? Because that's why we do all our things in five parts. And we do five part harmony that's three of us.

Ooh, can we hear the five part harmony? Oh, shit. on a backpipe. Imagine two more parts. If you can. Hey, no, what could we could imagine? Imagine that? Oh, let's see you imagine it. Let's see you imagine it while looking away from us.

Oh, all right. Okay, I'm going to try to round and imagine something. Okay, we're turning around. Okay. No, no. Okay, hold on. Hold on, give us some time. All right. I'm gonna try to round and imagine something Okay, hold on hold on give us some time. All right, so I'm I'm imagining dragons. Oh shit I'm imagining all the people. I can't imagine anything shit. I'll just think about myself and my own real name I am Imagine hearing I'm imagine scream. It's not a pirate. I can't do it. I've known it

Let me reverse take off that hat put a different right no still I'm imagining, Scream is not a pirate. I can't do it. I'm not a... Let me reverse the take off that hat, put a different... Right, no, still a herd. Oh, okay. Ah! We're the all you're stuff. What happened? Wait, where's my laptop? That's what's recording this episode.

Oh, here, well, you can have that back, because this is fun. Oh! That was very nice of you. Thank you, Michael. It's Mike. I thought you said it was Michael, isn't that your real name? It is, but you gotta be pretty close to wake up in the morning to call me Michael You've got to wake up pretty close. What was it if you got a wake up to Damn order to call I'm saying if you and I were to spend the night together

You could call me Michael don't answer yet Do think about it. I think I've gotten in Oh speaking of repeating things. I'm so sorry. I apologize that I've forgotten What was the five-part creed of being a thief? Well it changed. It changes all the time We've got to stay one step ahead of the law. Oh, it's the only way to operate The wacky Doctor's game. Step one. Have that the fun.

Step two, you know what to do. Step three. Everything's free. Step four. Open the door. Step five. Deeds do want to be alive. That last step is very threatening.

It is. It's so overbiting. Maybe you could replace with something lighthearted like everybody do walk the dinosaur, something like that. What? Step 5, everyone walk the dinosaur. What the dinosaur? I'm a Christian. Well, if you if you want a Christian creed, you could do like step one with arms wide open. Arnold, have we told you about Christian? No. Well, first you told you about Christian? Just...

No! Well first you've got to know about Chris. We've told you about Chris must. That holiday around the winter solstice. Oh yeah! Will we make Chris do things? Sure. Well there is also a sect of people who follow Chris very closely

and he gets so much done in a day! We especially follow his chin. Chris worth cruithified on the Krith to forcrawth. It'll make you jump. Angle failing away. You know you're a pirate. I'm not a- Now look, just because I talk this way,

I've only got one eye, one leg, and one hand, and there's a parrot on me shoulder. And I sway like I'm standing on a boat Does not mean I'm a pirate have a thief a land-based thief you swear you're not a pirate. I swear it. Rather. You're right hook I swear on Davy Jones locker now hold on huh you just swore upon David Jones's locker. Yes, I'm the monkey Arnie, we told you about the monkeys or Disney plus or Netflix? Well as religious men, of course, we are very in tune with the monkeys. They're little tiny monks Davey Jones being the most pre-eminent one there is

I'm making the time yes and Peter Dork at Mike Nez Well, the monkey yeah, all of them, but do they all do their own prayers? No, I mean That's good. I love the monkey, yeah, all of them. But do they all do their own prayers? No, I mean, that's a word of, but that's not the point. Didn't they start off pretending to be monks and then it was so popular they just became monks?

Kinda, yeah. Yeah, there were four guys who found some robes. I don't think they just like a poor imitation of the Biannitude-als. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I stop recording? Someone stole the button that stops the recording. That was me! He grabbed it back.

Okay, thank you. Hey, I've heard this bug out before and I've been really excited to get to that segment you do at the end where it's a game show. Yes, why don't we just skip to that segment now? How much do we stand to win? Steal. Thanks for backing me up. Why don't we just skip to that segment now? How much do we stand to win? It's steel. Ugh. Thanks for backing me up.

400,000 gold pieces. Oh, that's more gold pieces than there are. As far as I know it. Yeah. Houston, why are you promising the more money than we have? We don't have anything particularly valuable except for this obsidian sword that's sticking into my body. Whoa!

I'm SINIAN SOR! I love a Thidian! We are a SINIAN CRAZY! You can't take it out of it! Why not? Why can't we? Because if you take it out of it, it'll begin to slowly die again. Okay! That's better than quickly dying.

Yeah, you got some time. Well, his concept of slowly, I mean, I will actually begin to quickly die. Well, how does that concern me? As a follower of Chris, I ask that you spare the life of this mine friend. Oh man, playing the Chris card, huh? What would Chris do? W-W-C-D, B-D-O-L. Good spelling.

Yeah, thank you. Oh, I can only spell acronyms, not words. What is this? They're to spell. IDK. W-T-F. Oh, that was it? Who are your guys?

I heard that thief is an acronym in some parts. Is that true? Indeed it is. And we'll tell it to you one at a time! Taking everything! That's a fucking pirate! Individually! Everyone? What?

Oh yeah. You did two letters in a row! I did? Well, kind of. I thought we'd just go around and... You know what? If he's left. That's how we ended. That's how we going around If he's left that's how we end that's how we end it if it's left Or is right if it left So you remember how to get home. So we throw the the constabulary off our trail

If you're a consumable you have to tell us I used to be a sheriff just full disclosure in a different part of a food It used to be a sheriff just full disclosure, and a different part of a fool. Okay. And I am not an ordained person of the law, but I do fight for good and justice, where I do go. For in the long run, I shall defeat the Dark Lord and goodness and light shall prevail.

He's pretty great. The Dark Lord love. Love, love, love. I can't get enough of that, he's so great. He's the prettiest. He's doing a lot of stuff for everyone. Charismatic. Not too bright. I mean, physically, he's smart, but dark.

Hard to see. It's difficult to get a line on him. You follow the teachings and beliefs of the Dark Lord of food. Yeah, Chris. Chris! Chris! What? Yeah, Chris! Chris! Chris! What? Yeah, Chris!

He did it three times. He did it different, Chris, and you're talking about? Because we're talking about Chris, the dark Lord. He also goes by the name of Chris, and has been that being who once a year we must commit to foul acts.

Oh my gosh, this might be a shocking a revelation as the time when I was a child and I realized that Santa and Satan are very similar words. Whoa, no. Who is this he's talking about? Who are these two? Yes, tell us. Ernie explained the earth stuff.

Well, generally I don't want to talk about earth stuff, but great. No. Now, screen, I can't help but notice I don't want to talk about earth stuff, but great. Great. Now, screen, I can't help but notice, I don't want to call you out, but I can see that's up by the bar, you spilled some of your, your ale, and I see that your former lover is, is marking that spot? That's correct. Your, your ex is marking the spot. Oh, damn.

Now that's something I've only seen pirates do. Now, come claim. I swear by all three corners of my hat, I am not a pirate. And there's a little flag in your hat with what is that? Some sort of, some sort of Roger? Yeah, picture Roger Moore. It's a, who? And he's so happy. It's the one thing that makes me think he might not actually be a pirate. Roger Moore is a famous, he's famous, been fooned for being the fattest Roger in the land. Yes, the most Roger there can be, Roger Moore. And like all fat men, he's jolly.

It's either one that lives over by the Sean Cannery. That's where they can't all to Sean. Hey, my Barbie has a Timothy Dalton. Well, Pierce, my Bronznan, I never heard such a thing. You have a Pierce Bronznan? We all do with part of the initiation. That's right. There are five steps to the initiation.

Bronznan, Pierce. Then you get your Bronznan pin-choked. You have to drink from the orthon well You guys go You get your dolly partened oh Still can't come up with one Yeah, it's all right. It's all right If you can't think of anything just forget about it lasen b Oh I think you made all the pirates fall asleep Think of anything just forget about it. Lays and B. Oh

I think you made all the pirates fall sleep No, yes, those two definitely are not pirates That's right the two of us are not pirates For sure, I could be a pirate Mike could be a pirate look at him. He's very damp He seems like a wet bandit. Ah, yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah!

I have a condition called gaping pores. Burglars, I didn't even thought of that. Give me that, then diagram back. Now, clearly Mike is a wet bandit and it seems like Kev is more of a burglar maybe. That's right. Kev, what's your story? Well, I just started yesterday.

What were you before you started a life of burglary? Oh, pedaling my own home, bro? What's it called? It's called dank. Mmm, it tastes like it sounds. Oh, it's not very popular. Like all of them, bro. I'd rather drink my own pores.

What's that? Would you say ten doggie? Oh, let me... Turn back to a badger here. What were the flavor profiles? Oh, fresh nipples. That's it. Fresh nipples, mostly. That's how I attracted these two. They've got a taste for tints. A nose for nip.

And a tits for taste. Try it. So they wandered into my house house and still more things and I thought this sounds like a great way to make a living Alright, so I've added burglars. I've added robbers You see there's some of those that overlap with the pirates, but all of them fit in the thieves I've also added highwaymen and brigands now Now we don't like to be compared to high women. That's the lowest of the low. Can I ask between high women and pirates and robbers? Let's leave pirates out and be all together.

Well, I guess I'm not familiar. What is the pecking order of types of robbers? Oh boy, so tired of entering this question. Alright. There's five levels of thief at the top. types of robbers. Oh boy, oh boy. So tired of answering this question. All right. There's five levels of thief. At the top, you got us. Just regular old thief. Faced, that's right. Right under that, you've got cat burglars.

They only steal cats. Fucking pussy. Or our cats, who steal human things. Either one is acceptable. three just straight-up club Demaniac It's a condition they got up themselves but they could get some help from others So that's why they're right in the middle, but they don't do it. They don't do it It's stigmatized but if they lean into it they can learn a skill and become very adept number two

Pirates number two number four fourth pirate we did I thought we were going from the top Down the one was sorry number four look We stole the order and now Switching it around now number one is the worst and number five is the best We've been fooled again. Well, they mentioned that things were always changing for thieves, right? Yeah, that's right They must out a necessity. Now, why women are the highest? High women.

High women. High women. Oh, I love women. I love women. Yeah. Yeah. Women over there. I love that.

I have a brandy. I'm a pervert. So you've just accepted that during the course of our conversation? Yeah. If this one thing were taken away from it, it's that Michael is the pervert and the thief. He's leaning into it. Squeamed, did you say you have a brandy? I have a brandy. Oh, I'll be here at the tavern.

Normally, a drinking rum. We were talking about ballet women. And then I said, I'll have a brandy. Oh, I see. I'll have a monica. Is that because your life, your love, and your lady is the sea? How dare you twist this into a pirate thing? I'm beginning to think you are a pirate.

I'm beginning to look a lot like Christmas. You are? That's what happens. You're looking a little green around the branches. Hmm, yes, that's right. You've got an ornament that says 2014 on you. Must be a full moon. Look at all the gifts at your feet.

When there's a full moon, I turn into a tree. He's a wearer tree. Oh no. Wow. A wearer for an ornament from 2014. That's nearly 46,000 years old. Wow. I'm very old.

And so all of that time, you're very old. But when I asked you what you were before you were a burglar, the only detail of the thousands of years of your life you're into homebrew? The less you know about me, the better! Queen, I can't help but notice on the wall over here, we're at the bolegate mousse. On the wall, there's a wanted poster. It seems to be a drawing of your likeness. Oh, don't look at that, don't look at that. Please don't look at it. There's nothing there for you to see. I'm gonna quickly draw love that. Is this guy jacked off a sparrow? That's

the crime that he committed. I was the crime. I was the crime. You think? Don't only have a cloaca. Look, I had a very profitable sparrow farm before I became a thief. That's what he got like chicken ranch. I was doing sparrow osbundry and I was making sure I put in sparrow farm before I became a thief. That's what he got like chicken wrench. I was doing sparrow osbundry and I was making sure I put in sparrows out to stud. These were champion sparrows. You want a thimble full of sparrow jith? I hope he's a juice. Do you have one? Do we have a bird? A thimble full of sparrow jith. Why did I go back for it? I think it's almost time for the game show, but before we get to that, I would like to say I think Queen has made it very clear that he does not want to present as a pirate.

Forget the fact that outside this very tavern, at the dock, there's a giant pirate ship with the name Screen Dream on it, but... Ha! Let us know... How would you know... How do you know that's not someone dreaming of me? It could be! Now, let us get to the game show portion of the show.

I'll take it away! Oh, well... Ha! Ha! Did it, did it! Yeah, come on! Don't stop! Don't stop!

Alright, okay, so, ah, oh boy. Here's how this is going to work. This is going to be called Let's Make a Deal. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. Let's try to get it. And let's make a deal.

Chant and use the door, you're not really getting into the, let's make a deal spirit. One more time. One more time. One more time everyone. Oh, sorry All right, I'm gonna walk around the tavern looking at one more time Okay, I'm gonna walk around the tavern looking for someone that's dressed And oh here's someone's dressed, uh, and, uh, oh, here's someone dressed up like a pirate, uh, screen. Would you like to play, let's make a deal? Wait, wait, wait, my name is screen. I eat.

Uh, screen. There are three doors at the back of the tavern. Number two. Okay, I didn't explain the rules Arnie I'm gonna turn into a goat and run behind the door. Okay Wait, wait, you gotta let him chew again. This is a paradox. I know all about this One of the doors always lies one always tells the truth and one despair you learned about this in the Monty Hall Yes, I studied at Monty Hall. Did you yeah, how was it great? How's the meal plan there? It's pretty shit anyway Always choose again change your choice a always be be see you again That's right always be choose again. I'd like to change my choice. Okay.

Door number two. No, you did choose again. You just chose the same thing. That's all I wanted. Oh, it's follow your heart. It always hards your follows. Oh, Guy Ethmet. What, open up the door then? Let me see who's in there. Okay, uh, you said see who's in there.

Okay, uh, you said, I gotta be honest, I have no idea what's but- I just randomly pointed to these doors. But Chuck told you he was running back there. Oh, that's right. Sorry, I turned it to a paradox. Let me turn back into a goat. Okay. Oh, look at those nipples!

Oh, let me in there! You, sir, can't you just like make a goat or something? Fine, I'll make a goat. Rock, twawk, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock there! You sir, can't you just like make a goat or something? Fine, I'll make a goat. Rock, clock, not the chocolate! Another goat! Give me those nipples! Here, I'm gonna turn into a black beard. Sorry, a black bear, a black bear. Arnie, let's play another round, but offer them something. Say what they rather do this or rather do that.

But lead with what you're gonna offer them. Well, the first part of the show has gone incredibly well. And now to move on to the second part of the game. Plinco! Here, come up these steps. Come up these steps. Take this disc. Kevin, why don't you go first? All right. Okay, now here. Now, throw it at anyone or... No no just drop it on this large board You'll see it hits these pegs that it goes down. It's lucky that a pinker board here We best do this before the full moon or I'll break through the ceiling What he's a weird tree. Oh, I miss all the chaos

here it is There it goes here it goes here I'll go take our stuff back while he's watching the plingo. Okay. I'm not going to actually take the nipples back. They can keep the nipples. But I wanted them. Bounce, bounce.

This is fascinating how it's bouncing like crazy. Yes, it takes a long time too. It truly does. I would've thought this game would've been over minutes ago. You're not caring, are you're playing Plinko. That's right! How long has the ball been boating? Mostly the whole time.

And where's all of our stolen stuff? I've been looking at it, it's been in the pile, it's right. Wait a minute. Oh no! Why wasn't I watching? I'm not doing shit. That's right! We have tricked each and every one of you, and we have stolen from the thieves! Well played, magic man, shapeshifter and... Cool, Pete!

We never really got to angle on him. What is his thing? I'm from another world. Oh, that's right. No, thank you. We have one more game. I'm gonna host that game. Oh, great.

It still is a black bear. Um, squaring this game is also free. One more game. I'm gonna host that game. Oh great. It's still as a black bear. Squeen this this game is also free one more time. Yeah, let's make a deal So this this portion is called a spoke of fortune So what's gonna happen is we have some letters up on the board screen and you have to guess what letters are missing from the word, okay? Q The first word that we have is missing one letter at the beginning. What we have up on. No, it's not cute. So the word is abbage. There are no cues. So the word is abbage and there's one letter missing at the very beginning. Abbage. Okay, this is waste.

This is something you... No, don't throw away. Just hold on yourself, John. This is a waste. This is something you know don't throw away on yourself. John this is a good Sure, and that's not waste. It's not a waste of time So what letter goes before a bitch again, this is a trash or something. This is a good segment I'll just keep gesturing at these letters Okay, so again, this is Trian number oh Free no, it's not three. It's not three four this a number. Oh, free! No, it's not three.

It's not three. Four. This letter comes between Q and S. Could I get a hint? This is something a pirate might say. I give up! The answer was R. R. No, it says that would be rubbish. Yeah, rubbish. Well, why didn't you say so?

I'm sorry. You're right. We must reconsider this entire portion of the show. But we never give people the answers to the questions. Uh-oh, lightning round. Uh-oh. I'm ready. Take it away, Olli.

What? No, you saw it. It's time for your segment. I'll do one more segment. This is for cleaning. No, you saw it for cleaning. Very well. I shall conduct the lightning round this segments. This is for cleaning. It's still I'm doing another one very well I shall conduct the lightning round this time. What is up? Roll have you seen the sun today?

The floating quest what is three plus seven? What a good idea. How many times have you said hello to your mother recently? Twet how many times have you said hello to your mother recently Carlos and What is the letter missing in this word abish? You you each got a hundred points you win What we've done it the end of the lighty round we've won the game and defeated lightning itself of stone and lightning from the sky That's how good of a thief I am Yes, you're a Lighting thief. I mean I spy to be one. That's how good of a thief I am! Oh, I think that's your lightning thief?

I mean, I aspire to be one. That's a pretty good answer. I mean, I will say I heard Carlos Santana in there, and that's, uh, you know, giving a real answer, make it real or else forget about it. Yeah, pretty smooth. As the winners of the lightning round, each of you with a hundred points, here is your prize. As I call down lightning from the very heavens above, A Roth's Toth-G the Gotha Tala Choo! I've been struck by lightning!

Squade! The other two took it really in stride being here! Did I get hit by lightning too? Yeah! They are barely fountain! Uh-oh, I can play piano perfectly now. You've been listening to possibly the best episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern to date. I guess those five years of workshopping finally paid off.

Shant the Talking Badger or Pinwheel of Connect connected dogs or bear or etc. were played by Adolf Refy. Use it all the wizard was played by Mat Young. The thieves slash pirates, Kevin's, Scream and Mike were played by Mark McCongville, Paul F. Tomkins and Mat Gourley from the hilarious improv podcast Super Ego. There are improvised comedy podcasts? Why can't I be part of one of those? Oh and hey, the Super Ego Back Catalog is available to own!

Purchase past Super Ego seasons, live episodes, Super Ego Cinema Commentaries, bonus content and more. They're yours to keep forever and ever. Simply visit www.gosuperego.com slash specials. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adil Ruffai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lugas, this episode edited by Garrett Schultz, special assistance from the skeletal remains of a Christmas tree found behind the abandoned Go-Card track.

Wait no, from Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. And should it get lost in the details? Let's remember we've learned the Dark Lord's name is Chris. Order those monogrammed ascots or dagger wet stones now. The holidays are just around the corner. I've got love for this world, fellas. Squeak!

I'm about to... Oh no. I think that's it for me, I think. I've stolen one of the... Jimmy, last wishes. How do you want to be buried? Is there anything we should do? Um...

I'd like to be buried... Where? But okay, but you've you gotta just accept what I say No problem And don't I don't want any comment in it No, no, no, we won't say a thing You're too limited I mean you got it, buddy

I'm gonna say this and I don't wanna hear any back Any back sats about it On a... On a among faves I wanna be buried to see. What? Oh, here we go. There we go. Here we go.

Oh, no. you