Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 33 - Temple of Krom

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

The boys continue their search for the artifacts being sought by The Dark Lord. In a mystical temple, they run into an old friend...a dangerous friend.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungKrom the Fingarian: Mark LogsdonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenHigh Time Queen: Brooke BreitLincoln: Evan JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Oh, sir, checking in with Evil Foon last week was just the coolest. Yes, I thought you'd like that Lincoln, makes for a nice change of pace, doesn't it? Is there any chance we could maybe... No, we can't just keep jumping to Foon adjacent like gelato stations at Italy. We're not listening to Evil Foon or Cowboy Foon, not Jazz F jazz fun or evil jazz fun, or even sandwiches or weapons and everyone is voiced by Bill Arnett fun. We're going back to good old regular fun. But first, how about some recorded ad copy?

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A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnee Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Five years and two weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff that I use to upload a podcast. Chronicleing our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, we have been racing to collect artifacts before the Dark Lord can get his hand on them.

And I think that kind of sums it up, is that, see? Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah. What are you doing, perfect? Hey, you know, I've been thinking since we hit five years, which is a big milestone. Yeah.

Pretty big. There's so much I don't know about you, Arnie. What are, what's your biggest fear? Oh, I- Nobody interviews the interviewer. Um, yeah, I think my biggest fear is- Mine's getting stabbed in the neck. What?

Yeah. Why that? I don't know what it is. Have you ever been stabbed in the neck? Not that I know of. Have you seen anyone stabbed in the neck? Not that I know of. What put that in your head?

I don't- it's just neck that I know of. What put that in your head? It's just neck skin is so vulnerable. What about you? Where's a... My greatest fear is like losing control and stabbing someone in the neck. Huh. Like, I don't think I would.

And I don't know where that came from, but I've always just been like, ugh. And now that I got a sword through me. Yeah. And I'm right at neck height. I know. Honestly, like, if just been like, ugh. And now that I got a sword through me, yeah, and I'm right at neck height with my soul. I know, honestly, like if someone was like, hey, look over here and I just swung around to the side, I get next.

Oh, sorry. Hub, John, I hate to say this, but should we make a point of standing far away from each other? Oh, sure. I thought you were gonna say, should we stop the podcast? Oh, no. Okay, I thought you were like, we should break up

or something like, you go your way, I go my way. Do you want to stop doing the podcast? No, not at all. I thought that's what you're going to say. Can I say my second biggest fear? Sure. We stop doing this podcast. Really?

Yeah, this is how I make most of my money. But that's not very much. No, it's not, but I don't have any skills, Arnie. I mean, I can shapeshift, but that's more of an inherent ability than a skill. Yeah. Huh. Yeah, you, sir, what are your biggest fears? Well, the evil will triumph over good in the long run.

It's a big one. Sure, sure. I'm also not crazy about worms. Yeah, they're oogie. Yeah. What's going on with worms? Well, you cut them in half and then they're two worms. That's nuts.

That is. And you know listeners, I know maybe this conversation might seem a little banal, but imagine it happening in a giant friggin' mystic temple which I am implying is where we are now. Echo! Bing-bong! Pretty fun?

Yeah. Life be bonkers! Have you thought about wearing a rough? A what? A rough, one of those big collars. Hmm. Whenever I'm an animal, I'm kind of, uh, against wearing a collar.

Put it back in, it might keep you from getting stabbed in the neck, at least as quickly as you, or as easily. Oh, true, yeah. Hmm. The neck at least with my neck, yeah. I'm gonna start wearing a rough. Yeah. Ooh, maybe I'll change myself into one of those, um,

what are those dinosaur's where the, their neck frills out? Hmm. They spit poison. Dressing, drastic parkers. Here, I'm one of those, see? Oh, mm-hmm. Oh, that is. Also, that is one of my greatest fears.

Oh, let me turn back. Yeah. But anyway, we are here in this mystical temple, which according to the map that we found in the library, is one of the places where this artifact ...artifact is supposed to be? Yes, yes. I don't know exactly what shape it shall take yet, but I shall be able to recognize the ruins upon it. Deeper we go.

The stranger this temple is. I had nass seen architecture like it. Yeah, surely this temple was made by people who don't drink, right? Like a non-alcoholic. Sure, what makes you say that? I'm just saying surely this temple was made without alcohol. Oh. Because most people architects will get drunk and they'll build a temple and it's like all a skew and sort of falling over.

But this is so neat and tight in so many corners that you feel like they were, they weren't boozing it up. Yeah. Quiet. Are you seeing a worm? Against the wall. Is there a worm? No, I see it.

These are some sort of worm. A shrouded figure. A worm with a... knife? A worm with a... Like, you're a bird? You're both trying to freak me out! All right!

I see a shrouded figure down at the end of the hole. What? A shrouded figure. It might be an enemy we need to defeat inside of this dungeon. Oh, that's sound big, so they get scared off. What's the difference between temples and dungeons? Uh, what temple actually is a buff ground? What temple actually is a buff ground?

Yes, usually a worship there, usually a buff ground, but they don't have to be. Dungeons tend to be below ground, they tend to be more of a place for skullduggery. Uses being so nice with his explanation of the differences because they're very distinct. Oh! Who's there? Who's there? I did to find yourselves. Identify yourselves! I'm Arnie, knee camp.

About five years and two days ago I felt through a dimensional portal line. Topper, time to burn. Uh, into the magical window. Yeah. Foon, hey, you, luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal. Yeah, baby. Through the dimensional riff, which I use to chronicle our quest at a feet the Dark Lord. You never identify yourself first, you give up all your power.

Oh, yeah. And who are you? Oh, hey guys, it's me, Crom. Crom! Crom! Why were you shrouded at the end of the hole like that? Don't look at me, don't look at me, I'm in bearish to have you see me like this. Oh, you're a daffy fuck what's going on? Oh

You can't tell I'm in a not a great place right now. This temple. You mean the temples? No, well, yes Literally, I'm not in a great place right now. I mean it seems kind of nice. It's old and it's been abandoned But it was probably nice at one point, right? Yes when it was first built I can imagine it was there was nothing like it. I don't know, some of these murals, whatever they were worshipping here was freaky. I'm talking about emotionally, I'm not in the ground. Oh, he's right now. I've put on about a hundred pounds.

He's saying it looks like it's all muscle. You look great. No, you're just saying that. I know what you're thinking. Oh, what are we thinking? It's a crumb. It all went to your ass. A lot of a wind to my ass. It's like an 80-20 ratio, maybe. My ass and my hands. You kind of got a sort of pop-I-thing going on. A little bit. It's sort of like...

Oh, my eyes are fat, too. Arnie, don't say his eyes are popping oh sorry cram what what happened you seem very unhappy yeah what do you been eating bud oh in here slugs snakes rats pizza oh yeah i brought some

it hold on what are the toppings on the pizza? Slugs. Yeah, that's what it is. Slugs, thanks, and rats pizza. Is that how you've gained all that weight? Pretty much. So wait, you're sad because you gain weight. Were you eating because you were sad?

It's a vicious cycle. I'm sad because I've been... There's a vicious bicycle after you? I've been exiled from my kingdom. They took my crown. Oh, what? You're no longer king of Fingeria? No.

I've... desecrated the throne. Their words? Huh. I... After all I did for Fingeria, with the tourist trade, I...

I was really on a roll, you know. I realized this was what they said about what happened. But perhaps you should convey their grievances so that we may arbitrate whether or not they are fair or no. Sure. So, let me go from the beginning. All right. Wait, you understood what you said or just said?

Yeah, tell. You sort of can you dump it down for me? Sure. Just tell us what, tell us the dumb shit you did. Oh, great, great. Or that they at least said you did. I embraced my role as King of Fingeria and was doing a lot for the tourist trade. It was I who had the idea for the giant pile of snakes.

Uh, could you walk us through that what was the idea of the giant pile of snakes? No where in all the land of foun would there be a pile of snakes as large as this one. Okay. Okay. Alright. So that's like what the signage might say, but what's the purpose behind it? Come see the pile of snakes. Because it's so big yes, okay, I'm sure you Sarbrough sure advertising it somewhere in food

It was our one of our largest attractions Well, you may not know this about us, but our town of Hogsface was Destroyed not that long ago and we've been traveling around food in the interim. Oh Well, so we don't see as many brochures. Yeah, I see. I'm sorry to hear about Hogs face. Yeah, it's all right. Thank you. We saved everybody, so there's that. Yes, and I keep hearing rumors that they're building a new one. Oh, that could be nice. That could be. It could be. It probably won't be. Yeah. Crom, this giant pile of snakes is a bigger than the giant pile of snakes and scur?

Oh, well, yes. According to our architects who have measured our pile, we're going by with not height. Ah, okay. Interesting. So they might have a taller pile of snakes, but ours is much wider. That begs another question. How exactly are you keeping them in a pile? It seems like they would just slither away, right? Yes. We have a team of snake handlers Chase them back into the pile

That sounds like a lot of work. And were they, did any of them, so I'm creating a job? What's that? Did any of the snake handlers perish while handling the snakes? There's some, you know, on the job potential harm, but we tried to give all the handlers gloves. Okay, you saw them went into some real diplomatic language

there. Look, I was the king of all Fengarri. I had to learn how to speak the language of a leader. Of course, of course. And you said this is for the tourist trade. Are you trading tourists? Yes, yes. So tourists would come to Fengarri, come see the snakes,

and we would trade them out for other tourists So taking them hostage kind of thing. Yeah, so a tourist would come Tourists that were already here could take over that tourist life and go back to wherever they're from and live in their house and raise their family Who's a great tourist trade what I'm beginning to think this isn't about the snake pile, my man. Yes. What did you hope to accomplish by basically reconfiguring people's lives in such a way? I don't think I'm explaining it right. People would come from everywhere to see these snakes.

All right. If we take that as they're given. Yeah, and I suppose. And I'm with Fingeria. from everywhere to see these snakes. All right. If we take that, is it given? Yeah, and I suppose. And I'm with Fingeria. It's about girth, not height. Nobody wants a tall dick. Oh, Arnie, what?

Right, nobody wants a tall dick. I'm sure some people do. It's the motion in the ocean, not having to duck in under a doorway. All right, so you created a pile of snakes, which up to the tourist trade, where you have tourist appear, take them hostage, and then older hostages can go and become the people who have taken their place. Exactly. One, a two follow-up questions.

How did this make money? And two, why were the people upset with you other than... It's just very strange? Well, this is just part one of my tale. Oh, I see. So... It's your question. Tourists bring money with them.

And they come see the snakes. Sure. That's money coming in to Fingeria. Mm-hmm. How much did it cost to see the snakes? Free. Okay. Do you say free or free?

Free to see. We would say free to see. But what did you have to pay for? Oh, free to see. Three to touch. Ah. You see there's always another part. There's the rub.

It seems like you're not sharing with us. So free to see, but free to touch. So you made three. Is that just any currency they happen to show up with? Yep, because we were not, we wanted people to come from everywhere. So we didn't want to say what kind of currency. Yes, very, very, very interesting.

And so was part of the idea that people are like, well, you know, this is a giant pile of snakes. Seeing it is not enough. What I really want to do is touch some snakes. Well, Arnie, there's a famous expression in food, which is free before three except after touch. Does that make sense? I'll break it down for you later. Okay. John and I. So, I, I am one of the most celebrated leaders in Fingertian history for bringing such a booming business to our land. Oh, so everything's still going well at this point in the story? Yes, yes.

I decide now is the time with all of this political capital that I've built up. I'm gonna go ahead and do this. I'm gonna marry a bear. Okay, I can see the logic. So you have a real long history of loving bears. Yes, and congrats on finally just, you know, going with it and trying to get buried. Yep. Did you get buried? I did get buried to my bear, grills. Oh. Bear grills?

Yes. Well, grills is her name. Yes. She's my bear, grills. I understand. And as grills also royalty, like were they raised in like a fancy to-do house with staff, or did they kind of survive out in the wild? Uh, it's a, it's a bear chun.

I'm being stupid, I'm sorry. So they lived in the woods. Did they shit in the woods? Yes. Okay. Are you asking me does a bear shit in the woods? Ah, that's exactly what I was asking. Oh no, just this bear shit in the woods.

If no one's around, could you hear the bear shit in the woods? Great question. That's actually how we met. I've got to hear this story. I was out in the woods pushing down trees. When I heard a strange, and crumb, I love it. You didn't say knocking down trees, pushing them down is such a way more visceral mental image.

Yes, yeah. I had to get out some aggression, so I was out the woods pushing down some trees, and I heard this sound. It's like, what is that? Sounded like piece of hamburger hitting some snow. Okay, details. Do you want more details? That's not specific enough. I want more graphic details. You want more details. That's not specific enough. I want more graphic details. So I went, I followed the sound, I was like, what is that? And that's when I saw a bear shooting in the woods. Wow. You don't have to tell you that at this point, I was incredibly turned on. You don't have to tell us because the minute you said

hamburger hitting some snow, I was rock hard. Cause that's just pure poetry, my man. Anyway, that's how we met. I've got to sit down. I'm gonna, sorry, I'm gonna pull one of these freaky head statues over and just sort of sit on it. Hey, yes, here, let us take a moment of reprieve here, where we can gather our wits and spend some time

with our friend, Crom. Crom, please continue your tale. We were so worried about you. We hope that despite your recent misfortune, that you're still well. Yes, well. So I got buried to Grills and my people actually loved it. They were very supportive of it all. Oh, so you're still in good standing at this point.

Still in good standing. Good, good, good. But then I was caught cheating on Grills with another bear. What was the bear's name? Gandal. You could say I, I did a boo-boo. So the bear's name was boo-boo. Boo-boo bear. And you did it. OK, that's, did you come upon boo-boo also pooping in the woods?

Yes, I was. Shut, leave your weird fetishes out of it. I just got a nose, the poop Catholic. In terms of did a cat lick the poop? Yes, I was... Shut, leave your weird fetishes out of it. I just got a nose, the poop Catholic? In terms of did a cat lick the poop? Uh, wasn't enough the poop was cat licked? Well, in this case, I couldn't tell you whether or not the poop was cat licked. Gotcha, okay. So I'm sorry, back to boo-boo, so you...

Uh, so yes, I was in a fight with grills. I ran into the woods, pushing trees down, meant boo-boo things happened fast. It was supposed to be a fight with grills. I ran into the woods, pushing trees down, met boo-boo things happen fast. It was supposed to be a one-time thing. But that was the one thing my people couldn't tolerate. They could accept that I married a bear, but they couldn't accept my infidelity. Yeah.

So they took my crown, kicked me out of Fingertia, but before they could kick me completely out I ran away to this hidden temple. Yeah, I was gonna say you keep saying you're exiled from Fing area But we're close to the border of Fing area, but you are still in Fing area Right, and if I'm caught they'll skin me alive. Oh, no, yes They'll skin me alive. Oh, no. Yes.

Oh, yes. You said this is a hidden temple, but I mean, there's four of us inside here, so it can't be too well hidden, right? Well, I mean, everyone's heard the legends of this hidden temple. Of this hidden temple? Sure. I mean, are there any monkeys here? Well, according to some of these hieroglyphs on the wall, they look like purple monkeys. Wow.

Silver snakes. Hmm Two more Green parrots. Alright blue diamonds Yes, and some blue diamonds Crump can I ask in this whole story of your fall from power? Why did you share the part about the snakes? Just for build up or for table setting? It was to...

You're not impressed with this idea that I had? I felt like I... This was me riding high. This was my best idea that I had as king of fingering. Well, no, I'm exiled. I'm still the one who came up with the snake pile idea. Well, to be fair, Krami, weren't writing high. You were writing wide. That's right.

Plus, I've been to Nimble Shire, where they have the bottomless pit of snakes, and that is impressive. No, that's how low can you make snakes go. Well, I understand that, but you can dive into that thing, and you just keep going until you pop out the other side of food. Is food a sphere? Yeah, let's say it is. Well it has an atmosphere. Okay, yeah. Alright, yeah. I'm gonna write that down. Oh, it's one of the temple guards. Hold on, I'll just give it my necklace here. Oh, that's crazy. Do you guys have any necklaces left? You know, I gotta say, I'm too old to have any idea

what we're talking about. Well, you just know that in the hidden temple if a temple guard jumps out, you just give them a necklace. Oh, okay, they'll fuck off. I have two necklaces left. Oh good, then we have some time. Well, let's take a break and... I'm not a jewelry guy, I just...

Hmm, really? Yeah. Are you uncut? Yeah, I'm an uncut gem. break and uh... crononon jewellery guy it's just really yeah are you uncut yeah i'm uncut jim well it's a bit break will be right back with more cron okay listen you two are on the outs and outs of the dark lord and you've got to do whatever it takes to get back into his good disc races

that sounds good to me. Alright, Dripang, what do you say? It sounds like we're gonna hit the road. Hey, everybody, it's me, Dripang Litt and Spare. And it's me, Baron Shanglebirth Regue. We've decided to do a podcast that doesn't suck for nerds that isn't for good people. No, instead it will be an evil podcast. Chronicleing our trail of disaster across the Funish landscape.

What are you? Some kind of masters of mayhem? Hey, that's a good title for a podcast. I would say yes. Masters of mayhem. New episodes are released every Thursday, it's only on Stitcher Premium that every Thursday's house is communicated to me on this scroll. Oh yes, Thursdays. Perhaps the most evil day of the week. Hahaha, use the offer code magic for a free month of stichy premium.

Masses the mayhem. Go fuck! So, Kram, you know, as one of our oldest and biggest friends, like, it's good to see you, and I'm sorry that you've fallen from power. Yes, and this is me at my lowest of low. I'm sorry, I'm still coming home. I'm gonna come in for a hug if that's okay. Yeah, I got this sword sticking out of me.

Otherwise, you want like a side hug? I can pull it. Let me get that out No, no, no, no, no, no, don't leave it where it is already. Don't mention side hugs Okay, he just got caught with his side piece. Oh, ripped off his crown. Okay, be sensitive. Sorry Yeah, this sword if this sword comes out I die, so let's not do that you don't need to explain it any more than that that I die, so let's not do that. You don't need to explain it any more than that. That, finally. Crom, do you happen to know who's taken over your role in the kingdom?

Who's the new sort of leader? That's your tookover. Oh, oh, that's their name? Yeah. Is he such a barbarian or a bear or a snake? He is a barbarian or a bearer snake. Yeah, he is a he is a barbarian You should know that 99% of Fingarians are barbarians I see and the other 1% snake handlers Is short for anything yes, it's short for boy

Well, that's a very traditional surname for people in Fingeria. They tend to assign gender when you're a boy and then they go, Ugh, crumb boy. Ugh, boy. It's very traditional. Crumb, what is your full name? Is it crumb boy? Well, actually, I'm Crom Baby. Crom Baby.

It's kind of sweet. It's adorable. My parents were pretty progressive. Sure. Oh, they had insurance? Mm-hmm. Well, Crom, can I ask, what are you gonna do with yourself? You can't just hide in this temple forever. You just can't eat yourself to death, Crom.

Yes, tell him what you're going to do, Crom, but keep following me down this hallway as it begins to narrow. I want to redeem myself. I was a barbarian, a plunderer, a taker of jewels, and a stealer of precious objects. I plan to do that again, find something that would impress them so much that I could win my way back into their hearts. Can I just say, if they were impressed by you marrying a bear, I think the bar's pretty low. The barbearance is pretty low. That's fair. So you're saying I really have to up it quite a bit. No, I'm saying like, anything you'd be able to you get back they'll probably be impressed with right if they're impressed by a pile of snakes if they're impressed by you marrying a bear Right, I think the I think the bars pretty little right? Yeah, it's barely a pile Yeah, so let's what can we do maybe we give you like a fun hat or something would that do it?

It'll at least help me feel better. Maybe like a new haircut. Yeah, that'll at least give you confidence Oh, yeah, do any of you know how to cut hair? I could do a spell that would Feel better. Maybe like a new haircut? Yeah. That'll at least give you confidence. Oh, yeah. Do any of you know how to cut hair? I-I could do a spell that would, uh, change the style of your hair. Oh, yes, please. Uh, well, it's sort of long and, uh, glorious as it is now. Uh, do you want something shorter, tighter, curlier?

Maybe like, uh... Curlier? Maybe like a... So color? Yeah. Maybe like, uh, barbarian in the front, party in the back? Oh, I like that. Barbarian in the front? What was it in the back? Party in the back? It's called the Barbib?

Yeah, barbarian in the front? Party in the back. Please. Alright. Look me straight in the eyes, Crom. We must both concentrate. Think about your hair. Barbarian in the front.

Party in the back. Why is this spell so different from all the other? I know all the other spells are like Barbarian in the front. Party in the back. Wait, look at look at that look at that right there you sort of just took out scissors He's just cutting his fucking hands And my magic spells complete that will be $23 dollars What? Dollars Oh god, here you go Here's 23

Thank you But those weren't dollars. This is a random assortment of shit those in your pocket. I'll take 23 of anything. Great. Count it. One, two, it's three, four, five. Six, seven, seven. Smack. Ah.

So, wow, it feels so fun in the back now. I wish I could see it, but I can feel it's a really fun party back there. Well, think about, I mean, you got your haircut, but think about what might get you back into their good graces. You know, might mull it over. What might get you back into their good graces? Just need to mull it over a little bit more. Hmm.

Oh, if I found, uh, I don't know. Oh, maybe I just need another great idea, like the snake pile idea. Yeah, let's, we can help you. Four heads are better than one. Yeah like okay maybe like fattest uh fattest cockroach. Yeah. What about a pile of cockroaches? Pile cockroaches is good. We might just be replicating the snakes though. We don't want to get in something new like a rat wheel. Oh a wheel of rats kind of laid on its side into kind of a pile Okay, we're we're dipping our toes back in piles

Oh, let's let's try to get away from that maybe like no no more piles Maybe we find like the fattest bone the world's biggest candle. Oh, world's biggest candle. I like that Oh, but where am I gonna find the world's biggest candle? We should World's biggest candle. I like that. Oh, but where am I going to find the World's biggest candle? We should keep looking through this temple. Who knows what we'll find. Hopefully we can come up with something to help you, Crom, because you know when you're a king of Fingeria, we were thinking that eventually we could use the help of your army in the upcoming war with the Dark Lord.

Oh, I really want to help you guys out. This wouldn't be the best weekend for that though. You trying to do that this weekend? Do you already have plans or? No, I'm just not king anymore. Oh. Right, right, right. Yeah.

This isn't, honestly, this isn't a great weekend for us either. We're still looking for these artifacts to keep the Dark Lord from going through this evil plan to make himself in the foe. Oh. Wait, is that what are you doing in this temple? We're looking for one of those artifacts. See this symbol on this map like we're trying to find that symbol somewhere in this temple that might be a clue to where this artifact is and We're also looking for a very big candle. Oh You said or And we're also looking for a very big candle. Oh, you said door.

Or a wheel of rats. Yeah, for the fatdest bone. Yeah, they're all equally good ideas. They're all good. They're all good. They have a ton of grills since you're, um, since you're fall from grace. Yes. How are they doing?

Well, they don't want me back. They're mad. Yeah, they said I broke, you know, I broke whatever was left of our love. Did girls know Boo Boo? There's a bear shit in the woods. Yeah, yeah, it does. We've established that pretty clearly. I mean that seems like a big part of your whole thing with bears. Like all your bear stories start with you hearing them shitting in the woods Yeah, I guess my question is have you heard it? Have you heard a bear should the woods I've heard about it and honestly it made me hungry for hamburgers

It's a nice ice cold snow cold hamburger Well, let's look for that candle. Here, the runes on this wall, if we want to move this stone slab, uh, chuck to put your paw on this one down here. Okay, on the red one? Yes, uh, crumb. Put your hand up on the yellow one in the top right corner there. Where's that put my foot?

Uh, you can put it on that tile with the picture of the eye on it. I'll spin this weird little dial here. Yeah, do that. Alright. Looks like a hand has to go on to a green spot. Okay, I've got a hand on a green spot. What's next, honey? Looks like a leg has to go on a yellow spot.

Okay, I'll finigle my leg over here. Should only be one more. Uh, right. It says, uh, nose has to go on a purple spot. Oh, that's me. Oh, my God. The slab is moving. Don't just enter.

Twister, twister! Oh, new... Oh, new anti-chapé! What glory is beautiful things! What? Treasures like I'd never imagined! Uh, guys, have you ever seen a place that looks like this before? No, never. It is the strangest place I've ever seen a place that looks like this before? No.

Oh, never. It is the strangest place I've ever seen, Crom. Have you ever seen a place like this before in your life? I've never known, and I haven't been in this part of the temple. I think so shiny. Guys, almost everything I've seen in Foon is very sort of, I don't know, classic fantasy, but this is almost sort of like, general sci-fi in here. You know what it reminds me of? Your car!

I guess so, a little bit. There's a lot of metal. A lot of metal. Much nicer metal. Yeah, I mean, I would love to have like a dashboard like this. Like, I don't know what any of these monitors do, but they look cool. Yeah, and nothing in this room has been keyed. Yeah, oh boy, my car had been keyed to shit. It doesn't smell like pickles in here either. I feel so clean in here. Yeah. This readout here just says, charging.

Arnie, where are we? I don't know. It's... this doesn't seem like it's from Foon at all, but it's not anything. I recognize from Earth, although it seems familiar to me. I feel like I've maybe had dreams about this place. You've dreamt about it. Yeah, like it's weird.

I'm having a kind of deja vu. Like, okay, let me see. Let me try something this drawer Before I open it before I open it paper clips Yes, there are paper clips in this drawer. That's what these things are. Yeah, these things are paper clips I guess you've never seen paper clips before so you could maybe feel like I'm Bullshitting and I'm just calling these things paper clips, but never seen paper clips before, so you could maybe feel like I'm bullshitting and I'm just calling these things paper clips,

but these are paper clips. But they're made of metal, not paper. I, yeah, they should be called metal clips. Yes, they're sort of meant to clip paper together. And metal clips was your favorite adult swim cartoon, right? Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, Britain's false? Oh yeah.

Wait, I thought that use metal clips to cut hair. Oh yeah, we should give you a further haircut with these metal clips. Yeah, perfect. And Arnie, you told me that you only dream about all day breakfast at Crackle Barrel. No, look, lately I've been dreaming about Chicago all the time. But I swear a couple of years ago, I had a lot of dreams about this place. Arnie, Arnie, what about this? Arnie, but I swear a couple years ago I had a lot of dreams about this place.

Arnie, Arnie, what about this? This sort of central area? What is this thing? Um, I don't know. I mean most of my dreams involved me getting paper clips. I don't think I did a lot of important stuff. There's so much other stuff in this room besides the paperclips. Please put those down. Here, Crom, take these paperclips, put them in your hair. Looks like this will open. There's a red light all around it. It seems important.

Doesn't it seem important? Is it just me or does this etching on the side of this sort of look like the shape on the map? Yeah, yeah, turn it upside down. Yes, that's it. Wait, here. We gotta put this map up closer to it. Let me get it for a quick.

Ugh, come on. Crom, can you knock down the store? Oh, oh, look. Is that out of that geode? Is that the artifact? I believe it is. It seems to be protected by glass, but it can easily be lifted off.

Do you see out of this geode, there's growing this single strip of metal with runes on it, new runes that I haven't seen. Well, some of them look familiar, similar to the ones I've seen in the book of sight. And on this side it says, artifact. Artifact. Well, we knew that word.

I'm just saying, like the ruins. I'm just excited. I'm just saying the ruins are a good clue, but. No, I'm just saying, the way you said it or said artifact was like you just discovered that word. I'm just saying we came in looking at an artifact. Right. Well, let's find.

Look, the font's a little weird, the spacing, the current name is a little weird stuff. It's hard to tell if it's all one word or not. I'm just burning with excitement that we beat the dark lord to this artifact, for he has already gathered one for himself. We can actually stop him. He needs this, and we have it in our grasp. Oh, we've got a fucking get rid of that artifact.

Guys, seriously, honestly, 100%, I'm excited too. We're gonna fuck this up. Right. Yeah, that seems like us. Crom, would you mind taking the artifact? Well, you trust me. I mean more than we trust ourselves, which is a low bar. Yes, and with this artifact you can become King of Fingeria once again.

They shall see this amazing, beauty-us-object, and they shall exalt thee and put thee back upon the throne, where we can then join forces with your army Sally fourth and destroy the dark Lord once and for all Of course, oh, yes, I'm in with the plan. I don't think I'll make it back before this weekend though That sounds so we I mean we still got a lot of stuff to do probably Should we should probably still try to get the third artifact just to save And then like honestly, it's gonna take at least like a year so to build up this armor. I don't know, I'm just gonna be falling.

This Wednesday I'm kind of taking a personal day just for like my own, you know, just to care myself. Oh, that's good. Just kind of like, take care of me. We should all do that more often. What do you do on a self-care day? You know, I'll look my coat just to make sure I don't get mange, you know.

And I'll spend some time looking up into the sun Just to appreciate that beautiful beautiful ball of gas. Yeah, oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. So you're saying You're not into the cone idea. So you are gonna I'd be willing to try Okay, but yeah anything to protect my neck. Crom, do you have anything? I do barbarians have anything to protect their neck Yes, sir. We usually grow our hair long too. Oh, shit. Oh, your neck is really exposed, at least in the front, which is ironic because you're barbarian

in the front part of the back, but yeah. Also for fashion and also chunt. I thought your coat was cat licked. When I confine the cat, it's cat licked, but otherwise it's, it's Protestant. Sorry, I'm proud of my scent. Oh, yeah, you should, but yeah. Proud of scent. Yeah. What? Crom, can you just swear to us that you will keep this artifact out of the hands of the Dark Lord. It doesn't matter what you do with it Honestly, I don't care what it does just as long as the Dark Lord can't get his hands on it or any of his minions You can put it in a fucking snake pile for all I care. Oh

That is exactly what I was gonna do. Do you think that's too obvious? Why would say it is not? It is not as I'm gonna put it right in the middle of that snake pile. Uh-oh, what is this thing over on this table here? Oh. Uh... Yeah, what is that? It kinda looks like a laser gun, but... And what's this, aren't we?

Oh. Um... That's just like a weird metal... It looks like a probe of some kind. How is this I'm holding here? It says Instant Pot. Ah, I've heard about those, but I gotta be honest. I don't know 100% know what it does. Ooh, what's this?

It says Extant Pot. What? It says Extant Pot. Oh my gosh, it's like a crock pot, but it's got a bunch of stickers from the show Extant on it. Finally, they got the merch they deserved. Where is this place? That's what I said earlier. I said Arnie, you said, or, where are we? I think I should take one of these objects.

Mm-hmm. From this room, and take it with us. Yeah, we need to get one thing. And we trick the Dark Lord into thinking we all have an artifact. Yes. Mistraction. Yes, I'm gonna take this thing that says

breaking case of a emergency. The little thing with the Nosper. No, no. Smash. It's a good one. I guess I'll take this laser gun. That can't go bad. Damn, I should have taken that.

Chrom, what are you taking? Well, you're taking the artifact. Do you want to take anything back as a gift for grills to maybe smooth things over? Um, yeah, I'll take the instant pot. Maybe I'll figure out how this thing works. Yeah, I think go ahead and grab it, unless you saw your own take that.

Oh no, I'm going to grab this. It's according to the text on it. It says it's 10 D size batteries. Those aren't the size of a D. Well, I guess depending on the size of your D. Yeah, I There's somebody here You must have services and you've heard from anyone in the wild. Definitely isn't from any of my dreams, but I think we gotta get out of here. We found what we need, we must make our escape. We just broke into this space pod and started stealing shit.

What was this called? I call it a space pod, but I don't think that's right. Did someone break in? We're not just going crazy. Space cruising. Quickly. Oh, gosh. Shit, I actually almost shan my foot off. Come on. I'm gonna leave the laser gun. I'm gonna take some paper.

And I'm gonna leave this fiery extinguisher. Every one to be quiet. Do you hear hamburger hitting snow? Yeah, I do. Let's go towards it. I'm gonna go's go towards it. We're almost at the entrance. Here follow me. Just around this corner here. Run, run, run! You know Arnie, when you call that a pod, I just realized that in that pod, probably love is blind. Right? Like you could meet someone you love in that pod. I just realized that in that pod probably love is blind. Right? Like you could meet someone you love in that pod. You can't see them but you can hear them. You

fall in love with them for who they are. I mean that premise just seems like a little much. Like I feel like I can get 80% of the way there. Really? I think if there was just like a circle of something but like a quickly this way towards the light go go go go here oh it's so cold it's a different exit than where we did enter uh fresh snow it's a different exit than where we did enter sorry i'm just unpacking that we came out of a different place the way we went in if you exit someplace is it still an entrance can be Think about it Arnie, what do I do with this laser gun? I don't know. I mean you're gonna

This seems like a mistake, but I we can't give that to crom. I'll just carry it with me now. That's cannon. Okay Isn't that fun? Yeah, no, I'm into it, honestly. Guys, are we bad at this? Like, we found a powerful artifact and we're just giving it to a big dumb with all apologies, Cron, but I think you would agree, a big dumb fingering. And we were in like a room that was clearly

from another world, but as soon as we heard some woman talking we just ran away I have been on a lot of dungeon crawls in my day when you get what you need you get the hell out But that was a temple so that was technically a temple crawl So what's the difference between a temple and a dungeon? Cromb Hmm is a temple wider than a dungeon? It's the Hots who was there to help with? Well, it was.

We know not what that voice was attached to. It could have been some terrible monster. So we've done what we can. We came and got what we wanted. And now we continue. Onward. On our adventure. To find the final artifact.

And defeat the Dark Lord. Aha, we came, we saw, we crunkered. Yeah, we're off to the terrible fortress, and I'm gonna put this paper clip on the map. Come on. Thank you, Your Majesty, for your service to the forces of good today. And thank you for being some great friends. Oh. Oh. Can we have a big hug? Big old friends. Aww. Oh.

Can we have a big hug? Big ol' hug. Yes. Watch Arnie's sword. Big watch Arnie's sword. And I'm going to do something that my bear grill used to do to me. Oh. And no, no, no, no, not that.

I want to give, she cared for me so much, and I could tell when she would stare at me. And I want to give each of you one of my care bear stares Okay You're just lifting up your shirt and exposing your belly. This is a little unsettling. I don't know. I don't hear it first Now Arnie You what do I? Oh, and you said or your last thank me Me in Dean eye contact And you, Siddore, you're last. And thank me. Meantine, I contact.

And that's it! Huh! Huh! Thank you, Fainless. Thanks, Crom. That was very meaningful and thoughtful. Thank you, Crom. Yes, you're Majesty. Thank you. We are very grateful.

When I was back in that temple, I felt like I was at the bottom of a pile of snakes. And now... I'm right on top. On top of a pile of snakes. You're always on top of a pile of snakes. Wides that, you know. If it's width, you're always on top of the pile. Yeah, that's why it's better. Okay, hang on. Were they in my old workplace space bunker Zeta? More specifically. Were they looting my old workplace space bunker Zeta? I guess I did leave it in orbit around Foon, it must have docked to recharge.

Oh, that seems my exoskeleton. From the sound of it, they wrecked the paperclip drawer. I spent weeks on that. Well, Trisha spent weeks on that. And it still looked rushed, ineligent, one of those. And hang on. Did I hear that permanent falsetto temporary employee in the background? Oh my atheism. Does she still think she's

Introwing an outroing this show? Hmm, I bet I can find her frequency on the system. Holy shit! Was I in that episode? What is happening? Where is the space employee handbook? Okay, that is gotta be against the rules. Girl, what are you doing? Train Rec, party of one your table is ready. I can't believe it. I've become a plot point. At least that means they'll just sit on this information for 3-11 months. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolfi. Crom the fingering was played by special guest Mark Logston, and the High-time Space Queen was played by, uh, let's say, Brooke Bright. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Rafei. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer, Kimi Lucas.

This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Stefan is a proud spokesperson for Tipto Footstep Foley Effects. Footsteps, there's way more of them in this episode than you may realize. Special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adlered Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. I just remembered, my instant pot, crusty the finger blaster took my instant pot.

I had so many sensible yet fun menus planned for that thing. Well, one broccoli dish that sounded good. OK, I was gonna throw a bunch of doughnuts in there and see what happened. you