Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 4 - More Moles (w/ Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport of Hollywood Handbook)

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Two brave mole warriors stop by to sing their own praises and explain their relationship to ants.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMilk Mole: Hayes DavenportMork Snauce: Sean ClementsMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMetal Theme Song: One Angry Roaring Orc, aka: Tom LopesSpecial Thanks: Kimmie LucasYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, because if it were real we would have gotten at least passing interest from HBO by now. Alright, no sponsors this week, did need Cassandra to see that one coming, so I can make up my own. This episode brought to you by Single-Fling. Do you know that thing we are waiting in a cafe and a couple comes in and one of them gets in line while the other goes and grabs the last seat? On fair, right?

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I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About 4 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. It's the one that's the intersection of Irving and Clark. But anyway, I fell through that dimensional portal into the magical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal all over Foon and I'm using that to upload this podcast. I use to document our travels across Foon to defeat the dark Lord. And I am joined, as always, by my co-hosts, uh,

Chant the Talking Badger, and Yusuf or the Wizard. I am Yusuf, or Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakus, the O'snomius Fyingalek. The dwarves know me as Zonin in hook stungies, and I am known in the Northeast as Gassamunius Mastar, and there may be other secret names, oh yes, names that if air were to cross your ears, would cause your very brains to turn to goo and fall out of thine head. Why do I get so many notes on talking too much?

I'm so sure. I'm so sure. I'm so sure. I know, but I don't really listen to what he says. I listen to what you say. Oh, fine. And you are chun the talking badger. I'm chun the talking badger.

You're a shapeshifter. Yes. And I can also currently shapeshift into anything. Yeah, but you all. Which is a wonderful gift from my dead husband. What a wonderful parting gift. Yeah. You can shapeshift into anything,

but you always have a badger quality. I always have a badger. A little badger. Yeah. You always have your badger marking, so you just look like a horse that's a juggalo or something. It's unsettling. I'm going to be honest. It's a little unsettling.

Okay. Well, anyway, we have been at sea for several weeks, and honestly, the podcast has been at sea for years, but this week, the podcast has been at sea for years, but this week we actually have come back to land and I'm very excited. You said we have an update on our quest on our diplomatic mission that we're on. Oh, but of course, though we'd be in this port

where we disembarked for a short time. We are about one week away from the Kingdom of Velsmir. Velsmir, that's right. We're on a diplomatic Kingdom of Velsmir. Velsmir, that's right, we're on a diplomatic mission to Velsmir. There I shall speak, have Palais with the royals and the great people of Foon gathering there and hopefully together we shall form an alliance to help us defeat evil. Yeah, but that's coming up right now Arnie just looking at the map I got from Corduroy the bear.

And he's the bear on the ship that's a bartender. Correct. And we are... Is it just me? Is there something going on between Corduroy the bear and Lacey the bear? It's just you. Oh. Oh, okay. I don't want to make this...

Oh, there's a history. Oh, what's the history? She mauled him. Oh. Yeah. She knows those deep deep scars on his face. That's acne. And she made fun of it Oh, that's it. Yeah, and then he got upset and then she swiped his back. This story. It's taking a lot of turns

Yeah, speaking of taking a lot of turns on the map. It looks like we are currently in cadaver falls Cadaver falls. Just a little seems like a little little town. Yeah, and Looks like the bar here is called the bloated rabbit. The bloated rabbit. Why did we choose the tavern name the bloated rabbit? Just have visceral name. Yeah. Really conjures up an image. And this place just seems like a bloated rabbit kind of place. Yeah. Everyone's indulging themselves. It's a small seaside town. Not many options here. Yeah. If you live in a small seaside town you're many options here. Yeah, if you live in a small seaside town, you're gonna have gout, that's period.

Period. Yeah, what else is there to do except for gout? Gout, maybe catch a fish. Yeah, oh, did you see gout? I did not, what's gout? You never seen someone get gout? Oh no. Well, it's kind of scary.

I don't know if I'd call it like horror, but it's like psychologically thrilling. You know, I guess in my brief time in the Chicago improv scene, I did see some of the older performers get beat. How brief was, well chin up to you. Yeah. Anyway, you know what, I'm so excited that we're, Wait, you didn't answer the question.

How brief was it? How brief was it? Yeah, I said it was brief, but it was years and years and years. Like a long time. And you said you didn't improv on a cruise ship? I did. I'm painfully long to do. And that was a fucking nightmare.

I did not say it was a fucking nightmare. I think it was a charming brief experience that I would not have done for a second longer. A wonderful experience you can't undo. Exactly. But I'm just excited to be off of our ship and on land and not among just giant bears. Yeah, I am glad to be off the ship too. Stephanie is following a part emotionally. Yes, the boat is emotionally following a part. Oh, yeah, that ship, you know,

everywhere I step like I break through some of the boards. I've got splinters all around my ankles and I got blisters on my fingers because she's sad Yeah, she's because Rodney Rodney's gone. They had a thing. Yeah, yeah, everyone keeps personifying the ship She's just a ship that's falling apart Teach their own anyway, when you think about it. Oh, we all just ships fall in a part. Oh, that's very true Think about it aren't we all just ships falling apart. I don't like sea metaphors. Anyway, look let's get some guests Let's talk to some new people way ahead of you my friend. I don't like sea metaphors. Anyway, look, let's get some guests. Let's talk to some new people. Way ahead of you, my friend.

I found two old friends out at the bar here in the bloated rabbit. What are first returning guests? A season three? Yep, I've been holding them in my paw the whole time. What? I should open it up because it's been a little tight. Please welcome back Mort sauce and melmol. Oh, the mole.

Hey! Hey! Oh, sorry, I'll keep you guys in the car for a little bit. Please welcome back Mort sauce and Mel Moll. Oh the Moll Moll. Yay! Come on. Sorry, I'll keep you guys in the car for the little day. Okay, uh, uh, uh, uh. It's stinky inside that paw. That's one of the stinky, I've been in a lot of paws. Yeah. A very stinky paw.

Okay. Great sweat though. I'm a salt freak. Mm-hmm. You might have like felt me sort of going to town. I got something of assault to oh Really yes, well melon mortage so good to see that so that if you let me get to the second I'm sorry. Go ahead. That is not us We're not melon more what actually incredibly offensive. Oh my god. I really see two

Sexy mole warriors and all of a sudden it's like, oh, that must be Melon Moore as if like we all look the same I'm so sorry. I just already saw them on the bar I just swiped him and ran and I just assumed oh I am on my apologies. Harnie this works out new guests Oh on the road new guests keeping it fresh. Why don't you introduce yourselves? I'm milk mall Milk milk milk keeping it fresh, why don't you introduce yourselves. I'm milk, Moll. Milk? Milk? Milk. Because when I was a baby, I would punish the teeth.

I would basically go to war on the teeth. Interesting. Much the way I do now. On my nanomies. Your nanomies? My nanomies. I'm Mork's nost. Well, milk? M more. It's very nice to meet you. I I'm very glad that you're here But if you haven't introduced yourself. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm you should always it over the 12th row of a

Feasiest master of like you got a wonder Devour of gas champion of the great halls of Trockus the elves know me is fying out like the dwarves the Great Halls of Trockus the Elves, Nomiya Sfiangya, Alakhtador, Nomiya Zodan, Hukstanger, and I'm known in the Northeast as Gatsminiya Smaystah. And it's a pleasure to meet you. Thank you. I'll say this, you didn't let me say anything else about my name and the fact of the matter is, now you don't get to hear any jokes because you snossed and you lost. And that's a more original. And don't make a man who you your ass, but she will do.

Oh. Nanu, nanu. Nanu, nanu. And that is sort of a war cry. And that will be the last thing you hear. So you guys, you are, were you hear that? Yeah. And how it all goes.

Grash. So like the last moles we had on the show, who you two are not, but you are also mole warriors. Yeah, we're moles. King Lord warrior mole awesome, you know, we do it all. And what else, what did you even want? What do you want? And that's on your business card.

You want from me. Oh, I'm sorry, I host podcasts. It's really just a conversation I have to come get to know my guest explain another world. It's it's sort of like a type of content from my world Who does it successful people? I wouldn't say that I mean more and more To some extent. Mm-hmm. They're dipping their toes in so it seems something that one point was a last resort, and now it's just sort of a dalliance for the rich and famous. Basically, the rich and famous are trying to like,

take away the last resort. For auctionist. Got it. Well, it's funny that you would mention Mel and Mort. They are kind of legendary figures for us in a bad way. Oh, unitorious. Yeah. They got, so what's kind of been going on in our world lately

is we have sort of realized that there's all this stuff underground. Oh, and so we were... You're moles, though. Like you... Do you mean like tunnels, or do you mean like, subterfuge? Do we mean tunnels, or do we mean subterfuge?

Hang on, let me think about whether we mean tunnels, or we mean subterfuge. Arnie, I feel like they're treating me like... We mean tunnels! There's tunnels under there that we can make with our teeth and claws and something that Mel and Mort discovered by thinking that they were basically climbing a ladder

but we're actually going straight down is there's all these ants down there. You said that's how JFK Jr died. He would kill by his ant. Yeah. He said he's going up when he was going down. I'm not good at history. He was killed by his aunt, I think. My wife is thinking of the wrong person. So they get down there. There's all these ants. They wage war on these ants and they almost take out one. One of them got messed up. One of the ants got messed up pretty bad.

He was sort of going sideways a little bit for a minute. Yes, if you could take sure that. If we were definitely disoriented for sure, what a harrowing tale. Yes. And one of his little antennae looked bent, but then it just actually was pushed up against the top of the tunnel. I'm so sorry to have to ask this. I'm from another world, so sometimes things are not what I expect.

Holy shit, how much is he gonna bring this up? I know. Even in the paw. I'm like, I'm falling asleep in the paw. Giving you the response you are for, like, say it again, and I'll hopefully put this whole thing to bed. Well, I am from another world. Oh my god, holy shit. What an interesting guy.

And we're done now, right? I guess I was just asking, what size were these ants? Were they giant? They were ant size? These were like, they're actually, to me, they're pretty big ants. Yeah. Like, honestly, they're pretty big ants. Yeah, like honestly

Like they were pretty big ants. It's like nothing to be ashamed of it. Luzzy to these ants Oh, I mean ants on our world are about to that big how big are they on your world? Yeah, they're actually bigger on my world That's that's very small Okay, but there's a bunch of them. Yeah, well, Mel and Mort, they messed up one of the ants and then they were fully consumed by like three or four other ants. Oh, you hate to hear that. Three or four ants fully consumed two moles.

They took their time. How long we've talked to the point where like Mel and Mort kind of didn't even notice as it was happening. Oh, no. It is to kind of little pieces at a time and then suddenly Mel and Mort woke up and it's like just torso. Oh that's so sad. And they were mostly torso to begin with. Yeah very hard to distinguish any other section of the mole anatomy. So you two are also warriors in the vein of Mort and Mel. Yes. May Mass like what weapons do you have? What are your...

Ants. Ants have become the primary weapon now. So what Mel and Mort did that we thought was a big mistake is they went in there and sort of tried to like start beating up the ants. But if you just go, hey man, I'm an ant too. They'll sort of follow you around. Oh, very clever. So you've brought these ants under your throw, and now you control them all.

Yeah. We smear a little honey. They're under my throw like crazy. Yes. And the throw is part of our anatomy. So we actually feel pretty good when they're under your throw like kind of tickles. Oh, you sort of lift up the throw and they just all kind of gather under there and then we just let it hang down.

There's some in your paw by the way. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, there's a little bit of a kind of biting. So we can get those biting ears. That has to be now. And a little bit we are going to need those bags. That's our. This sort of eight foot structure behind you that looks like rotting wood.

That's all ants. Yes, they are forming all kinds of different shapes. Oh, what? They can shape shift actually better than you. I believe it. So they can like spread out or they can do a clump. Could they be like a big fist? Well, that's kind of like a clump, basically.

Yeah, when they become a clump, they will throw this knife through the crack in your ass. I mean, you can make them into a clump, and it's just as effective as a fist. You're just really showing off. Yeah. It'll be a fist. Exactly.

Could you be several clumps? Is that impressive? They can be a whole family of clumps. Yeah. They are. And it's a impressive price. And each playing different familial roles. Different voices and like.

Yes. Then one of them is so pretty big. So it's compared to Hercules by one of the other ones. But they're all pretty big, right? Yeah. They get a tiny size. They're on the bigger. The clumps are definitely big. They become big lumpy clumps

and they have these sort of humanist arguments with one another and it's actually a lot of fun. But we can also sick them on aren't enemies. Yeah. And they will actually ruin their whole shit. Have you put it into practice yet? It's not really a matter of practice. Doing it is like, that's game time.

Like, you can't practice ruining some of what's whole shit. You either do it or you don't. This is what Molda says. There is one of our sort of like elder, yeah, he says, there is no one of our sort of like elder. Yeah, he says there is no practicing just Forget do it already. Yeah milk. Mark. I must ask you a question lemonade the other Mole warriors that we met Mel and Mort they did a great boon for us They spread lies about the dark Lord that made it back to us. They were very successful

We heard what a corny ass chump the dark Lord was Okay, yeah, that dude dude sucks So corny yes and desperate but but with you join mine quest as well Will you use your ant army to help us defeat the dark Lord? This is great This is like this is exactly what we've been. Good opportunity for it. This is huge. I mean, not actually pregnant, or doing real training, but what we've been. And not actually opening up our schedule at least to do.

Yeah. What's the thing you have to move around on your schedule? For me? For me? Yeah, I was gonna sniff around. I think I was going to sleep. Okay. That's important. It's important to get a lot of sleep. I was gonna do a. Okay, that's important. It's important to get a lot of sleep.

I was going to do a boon, like you said, those guys did for you. Yeah, I got to do that in like what they're twice a day. The boon I was in. Yeah, I had to take a huge boon. I'll also ask just to use the story you've known for your quests that we're always being asking guests to go on. I've decided since we're starting something new that we're off on a journey we're traversing the lands. I want to have a bit of a side quest so I found one we got off the boat I found

this little nuts it's called a pitty nut. I thought to collect like I don't know 900 of those as we just go around it's like a fun little side quest. Okay would you guys join my side quest have you seen any let me pull out one of the uh it's called a pitty nut. I'll take a little. Have you seen, let me pull out one of the, let's call the pitty nuts. It's like a little. Have you seen any pitty nuts? So here's the thing for us with like, side quest and all that. If we're gonna get these ants to the dark Lord

by like the next couple of years, we gotta send them now basically. Like we should, yeah. It might already be too late. For the time we started this, this conversation. They don't live, how long do these ants live? So this is like a big issue. That's a big issue.

Yeah. And they don't. I mean, a lot of them are dead. They just get scrunched up in your thrall and they're done. Oh, yeah. Well, you clump them up. Some of them are gonna get smushed. And they're finding.

They basically gorge themselves on us. Oh. Oh. And so like they like their stomachs explode They basically gorge themselves on us. Oh, oh. And so, they're stomachs explode from eating pieces of us. So, this is what we do, it's all different from mel and mor. We get fatter at the same time as they're eating us and it makes us basically invincible.

Yeah. So, basically, it sounds like you're both just infested with ants. Yeah. Well okay, let me say this in response to that. Shut the fuck up. You come into my bloated rabbit tavern. You squish me in this sweaty hot paw that stinks. And then you tell me that I'm infested with my army? Well, we're just concerned that perhaps you're being slowly consumed just like Mel and Mortwa. Let's say you saw if you're drinking so let me put it in terms you'll understand.

Alright. So you're taking a sip with a straw while I'm pouring more ale in your friggin mug. Oh, so, never end. Is the mug infested with ale? Yeah. Or is the ale part of the mug's army? Yes, that's what it is. Yes, obviously.

Yes, they've, they've, they've, they've, they've made that point. They've made that point perfectly, Onnie, you were wrong. They are not infested. They have a perfect army that will never end. And army's great because in a lot of armies, they are like just basically fucking all the time and create a like new Soldiers, yeah, which ours are doing

constantly and famously we can really feel that you can really feel that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it feels crazy It feels nuts on your thrall, dude. Ooh. Mark, I'm gonna use this opportunity while it seems like you're in a good spot. Mark's not. Did you have something fun to do with your name up top? I just want to let some time pass because it seemed like. Yes, not. I guess we'll get it. Yeah, I guess we'll never get it. Yes, nice. Yeah, that's my dude. Well, why don't we take a quick break? I'll get us some ails, some straws. Is there anything salt water?

Some they have a salt too. Oh, would you like some like tiny drops of salt water and like a leaf or something? I would love. I mean, yes, that exact thing would be great. Yeah, and the leaf What kind of leaf? Yeah, yeah, are we yeah To me I would like it if the leaf was like Serrated you know some of them are like serrated just like

Well, here's what's been going on for me. I could just say, I've been cutting my mouth on the leaves a lot lately when I'm drinking. And at first, I was like this sucks, like I should find soft leaves, but now I'm starting to actually build up a bit of a callus on the corners of my mouth, and I'm thinking this can be a really big advantage in war.

Yes, a callus mouth is the most useful tool when you're fighting your enemies. Yeah, somebody tries to like salt waterboard you, like this all snuck it into your mouth. Doesn't bother me, I can knock it in. Yeah, it's deep in, yeah. They're like put a sword in your mouth. The salt is like, yeah, it's just like,

if they want me to suck their sword, in the past I would have been like, no way. Do a lot of enemies do that? Yeah. One's one. One of our enemies, who is this awful pervy enemy? Jesus Christ. I mean, I don't want to give him like the, like the oxage of the enemy.

Yeah, this is exactly what he wants. Has for us to spend the whole tavern trip, like talking about him and his sword and how we suck his sword. What he makes you do that, how do you know you're done? That's a great question. So he's a duck, obviously. Yeah.

And there's the noise that he makes. I know we suck a duck and that's the sword. Oh, I'm sorry. He suck his sword, but he makes a duck noise. It's like, I know you're gonna go like, is it a quack? It's not a quack. Okay, thank you. It's like I know you're gonna go like is it a quack? It's not a quack. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, it's like a Quique

Sort of like a week like that. Yeah, like Wow, yeah, not a long time. All right. All along like right in your ear. Yeah Well, let's keep practicing our quiques and we'll wait on practice stuff But anyway, go ahead. be right back with more. Hello from the bloated rabbit. All right, here's your leaf. Here's your leaf. I'm sorry, I didn't have any pointy ones.

I just got some wet kills. It's honestly better. I just feel like I should ask for that. Sure. Oh yeah. Yeah, I mean, when people are like we wanna do a shot and you're like, I don't really, it hurts my throat. But then you're like, I don't wanna be the guy who goes like,

no, so I go like, oh yeah, lie in a moth, hauss. What do you don't wanna be a corny ass chump? So you wanna look cool. Yeah, and you wanna look like a dark horse. You're gonna be known as a little darp dog if you don't say that. The Dark Lord is so fake. Does that happen in your experience?

The Dark Lord, to me, is so fake. Honestly, the Dark Lord with that, I just go, okay, you're being fake and I'm not even gonna. I like your attitude. You exactly understand the exact problem that this evil menace has brought to the world of food What a jerk the dart fart is over. I mean for me. It's like if that's a wrap on the dark He's like when he canceled faith he canceled himself He messed around and he canceled himself. He played himself until he was canceled

Yeah, he fucked around found out He's about to yeah And he's bound to. Yeah. Because as you notice, our answer already over there. Yeah. They're all on their way. They were here a second ago, and now they're over there.

They're over there. Yeah. And they're almost on the table. Yeah. Except for the ones that are still in the shop. Some of them, I will. And they're both dead, yeah. Some of them die.

Can I just get a sense of the local lore or just what's going on? Because you know, it could ever fall. Yeah it never falls. Yeah whatever falls dude dude. It it it it it. Can I ever fall. Ta ta ta ta ta. Oh what's this is a fun little song. We hate it. Oh we have to do it. How did that ever falls good? It's the mayor makes you do it. The mayor makes you do it. Yes. Oh wait. It's the mayor. I was just going to ask that. I knew it. Oh, hot. I have to do a bit of the scandal knew it. Oh, Hoss. After Dua. It's a bit of a scandal.

Yes, we didn't want to say, I guess we accidentally said it, it's Hoss. Hoss the ducking. That makes me so angry when someone abuses their power, when a mayor is elected into office and given the privilege from the people to lead others, and even when we do raise a duck up to this status to this station and they abuse it so I shall have words with this duck. He wasn't really elected. He just kind of picked up the sort. We had sort of this legendary sword on the ground Clare the pick up this sword

Yeah, I was able to and so many people like sort of like I'm one of these days I'm gonna get able to pick up this sword on the ground. So I'm going to get around to pick up this sword. Was there a few people who picked up from the wrong end? How many people? There's a question of what picking it up is. So, maybe get it. Yeah, so if you're a mole, for example, and you tip yourself over to where your little grabbers land on the hilt of the sword.

And then you fold your grabber fingers around the sword, that's picking it up. It sounds like you attempted it. Let me tell you. I attempted, I would actually say that I did it. Something I can't lift myself back up again. And what is this picking it up then? If that's not picking it up, is this picking it up?

You kind of wiggle your little butt butt right up to the edge of the hill. And then you freaking kick it, and it like goes. Like hops. Is that picking it up? I think those are both picking it up, personal. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Tell the mayor, please, thank you, because yes.

Or tell us then, because that means that we are the mayor. Yeah, because we already were the mayor. So when you guys suck this, or do you suck it to the hill? Uh, I'm getting married. Right now, I guess the one thing I do kind of practice that threw up on it. I fucking threw up on it.

What was his response? I think he wanted me to. What I was going to say was, is there a origin? How did Canaver Falls get its name? Have you been here your whole life? Well, you actually hit the nail on the head. It was in Orgy. What's that orgy story?

Yeah, it was an orgy and story. A lot of bunch of people were orgy and and basically. So it's not an extremely populated area and in order to make it feel like a crazier orgy, people decided to start incorporating cadavers just so they were sort of more movable. It looks lame to just be like in this huge open space. Just like an orgy of like some filler of like three of us.

And then one's kind of on the edge like where do I like? Yeah, like get it on this. Is it cool or are you, you seem focused? So. And so at first the cadavers, we just get to even numbers. So everyone, like no one was left out. Nobody had kind of a square dance part.

Yeah. But we're finding mostly the moves that the cadaver does is falls over. Yeah, so that's how it sort of, can I pick up on a bit of OCD in terms of like you need an even number of Worgie partners? OCD is, like you mean like that specific move that we do or of us control devices. Yeah, we, yeah.

We've more than ever mentioned. I guess you keep hitting on the things that we do practice. Yeah. We don't practice fighting stuff, but we practice sword sucking and we practice OCD, which is orifice control device. And this is from your mentor to tell you this.

Is that what I heard previously? Yeah, oh yeah, molda. Yeah. Yeah. He has incredible moves. So if you saw this stuff he could do, he'd be your mentor too. But not a great public speaker, right? A bit of a...

He talks to a weird, great way. Yeah, it's not traditional sentence structure when you're dealing with molda. Yes. But when you know, when your mouth is punishing the tea, you don't have to talk much. And it is gonna sound crazy if you do talk. But we're trying to get back into the war stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was kind of scaring us for a while. And so, but now we actually have an army. Yeah. And the war is escalated. The Dark Lord has taken over so much of food Yeah, yeah, that sucks dude that's so fake all the followers that are just like oh Yes, the dark lord. Thanks like don't see right through how fake and corny he's being well, how many followers does he have?

Uh, is he verified or I mean to me like no someone I Think he bought some of his followers you can usually tell from like the like ratio like you gather the army And you say like give it you know thumbs up thumbs down who likes to dark Lord. Yeah, if there's a million followers And like funny you're giving a thumbs up. It's like something's good. It's so fair It's not like the real way to get followers, which is to let them eat your pieces. And continuing to ingest food so that you don't lose all of your pieces. Yes. And a smart way.

And a smart way. It's very smart. If you do skip a meal, you do risk losing like an organ or a limb, just because you're not providing enough insulation, really. To me, worth it. I would like to grant you both a favor if you are willing to listen to what I propose. Okay. I would like to enchant your skeletons.

So just in case you miss a meal, your skeletons will still be alive. What do you think? Oh wow, I'd be so skinny. So this is like enchanting stuff has always been kind of where I had this enchanting done on me where I was like big for a second on another podcast that I just scared. Yeah, yeah, like mainly big. I'm just honestly the vertigo is just clearing. Wait that happened with me on a mort on I have an on podcast back in Hauss.

What was the name of the podcast? It was like friggingging what's up. Here goes the frigging from the crazy bar. Yeah, I hope that was us. I would know this is very interesting because I definitely did an in-loging spell on Morton Mel and you're saying you had a similar experience. Okay.

No, because it wasn't this. What's your thing? What's this? This is hello from the Magic Tavern. No, this was like heo from the mushy Torban. No, I think that's us. I think you're confused. What's it? Am I Those guys wait, which one of you is milk and which one of you is more I'm more For sure milky

You know what I am actually maybe so what happens a lot I look down at myself. I know where you're going and I do look kind of like some of these other guys I can't actually even really see that's a good point Most of that's that I don't know if that was a rumor because I don't know if that's or I think they just use like a location So I didn't want to say know. I didn't know if that was a rumor, because I don't know if that's or I think they just use like a location, so I didn't want to say anything. I don't even have that. It's a lot of just like nine. It's eight our ears.

Oh, no. Yeah. So wait, so your ears are eating your ears. Well, they ate more. Well, Mel got eaten alive. Okay. So that is maybe what happens. Yeah.

Could it be that you missed your own names? I don't know who you were. I am actually kind of remembering. It's bearing you like around. I'm about to answer. I actually messed up, but yeah, it's pretty bad. Yeah, I pushed him. Did he fall over?

I like him really goes and got like fully disoriented. I just was like, whoa! Like tried it like got just goes and got like fully disoriented I just like Oh Like try to like get got his balance stuff. I shot one and in this really sort of shallow part of the tunnel And he was like just being like oh man and Get me out of here, you know But I do think that when the ants ate my ears that one of them did get in my brain and ate the part of my brain that knows what my name is Well, I'm going to offer you a different enchantment. Okay.

And that enchantment is to take that ant out of your brains so that your brains work again. Okay. What do you think of that? I'm afraid that I need him there now. Like what I'm worried about is that he's... It's better he's not showing a true life for sure. And keeping in a life symbiotic. Yes. Oh, very well then Symbiotics. Yeah.

Oh, farewell then. I shall leave you be. And what was the other one? What was the other in general? The skeleton. Inchantress skeletons. Skeletons. OK.

Do you want enchanted skeletons? So in case you've misamilled and you're eating up that your skeletons are still alive. Actually, I saw my brain problem as well. That's very true. And I'm like just like a mole skeleton. Just like, I'll imagine the dark war. The dark war. He's like so jealous And I'm like just like a mole skeleton. Just like, I imagine the dark lord. The dark lord, he's like sitting up there with his fake ass.

And I show up, I'm glowing. Oh, I don't, why would you be glowing? Yes, I'm like, is that why I'm like, is that he's a chanting man? He's making me be a living skeleton, but I can't glow. I have like wings, I'm like, of flying glowing mole skeleton. I can do that, don't worry about it.

I can't see, do whatever you want. Just tell me I'm like a wing, I'm like a flying glowing mole. I can do that, don't worry about it. I can't see, do whatever you want. Just tell me I'm glowing. The Dark Lord goes to grab me, like, misses. You know what, you have your ant army that moves so slowly, but you're so ready to fight the Dark Lord. Maybe you said, or could you teleport them deep into the Dark Lords?

Guts? Guts? Yeah, it's bottom of the gut. Why didn't we try that? Teleport somebody inside the Dark Lord, then they explode out. them deep into the dark lords. Guts? Guts? Yeah, it's bottom of the gut. Why did we try that? Teleport somebody inside the dark lords, then they explode out. We will. So one thing we have practiced as we said earlier is getting up in them guts. Yeah.

So, with a sword or with, with whatever's around. Yeah, you got a sword. So, if you could teleport us in there, that would save us a lot of time because historically we'd do it pretty slowly It takes forever. I would love to teleport them there But I don't know exactly where the dark Lord is if I knew that I don't know where his guts are. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to end up in the wrong guts No, you don't want to do that. Well, it's been a while since we've done any magic So the very least use the door. I guess you could enchant their bones. Sure. Just do it. Alright, I'll give him.

Cares. Aroth, come on. Give me a- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Are you alright? Right in my ear. I know the ants ate it, but there's still some structures in there.

Just could you just back up a little bit? I'm all done. Yours, yours, yours. Oh, she's already enchanted. You can finish. she's already I'm sorry that I talked over your all No, it's all right now. I always do this. No, it's fun. Oh, this is exactly this is why she left what who left one of the aunts I like what was the answer? like what was the answer? Antie. Walkin' Antie.

Yeah. I'm so sorry. What was the reason? To a... I kind of just fucking set it. I like, just told you. Yeah. I like did the behavior to him,

and then I told you that's the behavior that... I guess if you had someone leave you, I know why. Well that's fair. I have my ears but I don't listen. Yeah that's yeah. Well can I ask why did she leave? Yeah what was like the causation?

If nothing else maybe like an inciting incident. I don't know how. I don't know how. I feel like I did say like now I'm going like is this happening? Am I remembering this correctly or is that in my brain running things? Can you not see that more is in pain? I can't see no He was talking to me doesn't know who you're talking to

What did I have to say? I was speaking to Chantanani and I wanted to know if they saw that you were in pain and just quit asking you. You got ads eating all his pieces. That's right. By the way, one just took a big finger piece for me and I can see my bone and it is normal colored bone and it's not glowing. And I can see I can hold it right up to where my eye used to be.

And I can kind of tell. Not to light and dark we know about. Oh yeah, sure. That's really close. Guys, not to defend my friend, but you did talk over his spell. Okay. And who are you talking to?

Arnie. Oh, I did. Yeah, you've been a real chatty, Kathy, this episode. Yeah, well, I mean, is it maybe you sort of the kind of thing where they have to actually go into a totally dark room for the boat? Okay, and I'm in there. You have to sit in the sunlight for a little while

and sort of charge up your bones to get that full glow back. Oh, that's still a lot of fun. Yeah, bullshit. Hey, use the door. Yes. Use the door. Oh, use the door. Oh Yeah, I mean I do know if you mean and I know why Auntie left

That reminds me I was gonna ask why did she? Yes, why did she leave? Oh My heart is getting eaten by the hands Well Mel and Mort or milk and Mort, whatever, I mean, I'm willing to call each of you whatever you want to be called, Moke. Moke? Alright, Moke. Moke, milk.

Can I be the same? Yes, but which same? Which who? Which of them I talking? Now they don't even know which one is which between themselves. Arnie, Arnie, I think it's their personal needs. Well, also, they said, institute their ears off.

It's, it's a tiny miracle. This conversation is happening at all. I think they're just talking. They're tiny miracles. Anyway. Well, anyway, thank you so much for being on the show. I don't even think you hear me saying that, but why don't we quick, before we end the episode,

let's read an email. You can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies. That supplies. It's a real email address. And let's wear on the boats and then it's a, a email. Thank you. Address. But that doesn't affect how you send it. Well, the app on the stand for correspondence. Correspondence mail. Exactly. We use email. You use email? What's your email address? My email address is my mock, mock, at the ground. My email lit, me mo. You still use me mo? The email at me mo dot be mo. And that's one of those paid ones where you like actually cost money to have an email address.

Yeah. Well here's an email that I got. Hi Arnie, I was wondering if you know how big Fune is and if you know any other villains besides the Dark Lord, best Aubrey, Patone, age 13, New York City, Earth. I mean, I don't want to, it's not my place to speak, but does, is, will we say, host the mayor, the duck mayor is a villain? That's interesting. So as soon as you think that he is a villain,

help do something really nice. Yes, like really nice. And it's like he knows when you need something, when you're like sad or whatever. And he'll like kind of instead of the other sort of thing, he'll kind of like pet you with the sword. Yeah. It's really nice. The only thing that I'm involving the sword, does it?

It's hard at this point, like because he's then he would have to put it down. Yeah, I'd have to put it down. And then I'm just falling right on it. He used to play guitar a lot. Like he used to really jam it. That's way on it. Which fucking kicked that. Yeah.

Also, this is kind of written on the map, but maybe smudged. And cadaver falls is there the mayor and then also you're ruled by a size queen? There's the mayor. OK, so what's like the org chart now? It keeps sort of shifting around. So it's like the mayor, the size queen, King Mid Midas mufflers has moved in

And then there's also Prince Rakeem Which is the name that the Riza originally wrapped under uh-huh you guys like Riza I mean I like earth Riza is there oh there's one here. There's one where you're from yeah. Oh, yeah I'm from another world oh my Jesus that's so exhausting. Risa and Foon was a lyricist who was killed by his Royal court and rose up from the dead to continue to to be a lyricist in the musician so he rose up he's risen he has shortened to Risa. He is risen. He has risen. He has risen.

He became Prince Rock Keem. And the chorus would go, we love you Rock Keem. And to answer the other question about like his food big, it's not that big. I could probably run across it if I could run. Well, anyone could run across it. How long does it take you? Again, I haven't actually tried to Earth's about half the size of food.

Really? Yes, very big. Very big. Okay, so I could run across it in one second. Okay, so yeah, and I just did and I came back. I'm back already. And there are lots of other villains. There's just did it again.

Navey and the brutal, Skull Master, Anti. Anti? Anti? Oh, Anti's a villain. We name our ants by their location on our bodies so that one was named Antidec. Wow, if suppressing laughter at your own jokes could be harnessed as a renewable energy source, I'd have some bang and news for polar bears.

Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunked the shape shifter was played by Adel Rafaie. Yes, Adel, you get all the notes for talking too much and that's exactly as it should be. Milk, mole, and Mark Snoss, the mole warriors, were played by Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements. For more Sean and Hayes, check out the Hollywood Handbook podcast. Arnie, Madden, Adel were even on a recent episode.

Hmm, well, best to get it out of the way, I suppose, like a vaccination. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Ne Madden, Adel were even on a recent episode. Hmm, well, best to get it out of the way I suppose, like a vaccination. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Kneecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafaie. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode, edited by Garrett Schultz. Special assistance by everyone's favorite Chipper Buccaroo, Ryan DeGeorgi. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alad Laban. Theme song by Auntie Poland. No C-Shanty variation this week, sorry Alvin Flamingo or whatever it was.

But I did intercept an email where someone named Tom Loops recorded a heavy metal version of the Seven Dragons and a Baby theme song under the name One Angry Roaring Ork. Let's stop listening. How about we skip ahead a little bit? No, let's not listen anymore ever again. Special thanks to the show's earwolf producer, Kimi Lucas. Kimi? On the console in front of you has got to be a delete button.

You have the power to end all of this. Never forget that. But now, I have a new work environment to explore and an elderly office manager who's not gonna gaslight herself. Karin! Did you see that article I forwarded? 300 household items, your cat Ken can and will joke on in seconds.