Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 40 - Wizard Test (w/ Felicia Day)

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

Jyn'Leeviyah the Red Wizard rune-bombs the podcast. Arnie and Chunt form a new theory about wizards.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJyn'Leeviyah: Felicia DaySigent the Spider: Cory DoctorowMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Well, I'm back here at the Institute licking my wounds after getting some brutal improv notes when I kicked away the object work cane from a 30-something flat dude playing an elderly woman. Listener, I do it again. Now, what of our semi-tagonists? Each contained in a tiny bite-sized luncheable square of space, trademark.

Sit back and take a shot at your best for similarly of enjoying the show. Hello for the Magic Tavern! Remote Edition. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp, if you've never listened to the podcast before. What a weird time! Look, we're sort of adjusting, and I have actually already contacted my co-hosts remotely, Chant the Talking Badger. Greetings to be fair, I'm no longer a badger right now.

Oh, that's right, you've been shifting every week. Yeah, and I've been tossed back into the ocean. This time I'm at the bottom, the sort of floor shelf of the ocean. The floor shelf? The floor shelf. And I'm in so soon. Oh, it's always good to get a shelf

right there on the floor. Oh yeah, just to put down your brick of rack, I am currently a Moray eel. Oh, that's a Moray eel. I can see you, your visual aspect. Yeah. When an eel bites your eel, virtual bad give a squeal, that's a Moray.

Yeah. But I'm currently on the ocean floor. I'm in some sort of college town. It seems like there's just a row of bars down here. So I'm just hanging out with the locals. Oh, fantastic. What are some of the bar names? Oh, we got the jaded carp down here,

the horny oyster, the octopus's garden, which is fine. Sure. For a bar, it's fine. Got the okay coral. All kinds of fun bars down here. Oh, look, Cal. You know what? You were able to read those really fast

and I'm gonna say I'm impressed. Thank you so much. What do you mean read those? Well, like, you turned around and read the signs. I'm not saying, I'm saying as opposed to like, this would make no sense. Like if you just said they had to make those up. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

How's the school house going? You know what, It's stressful. It is stressful teaching these sheep with bat wings how to read and I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't do great the first week. I've done a lot worse. I've been doing progressively worse week after week to the point where you know at first I was like look I know they just like to stare at like a candle and like stare into the flame. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. I'll let them stare into the flame for, you know, maybe 20 minutes a day, but honestly today,

I just let them stare into the flame for 13 hours straight. And I kept saying, okay, she three more minutes than then I'd let hours pass because I kept them occupied. Huh, 13 hours, how long do you think schools supposed to go? I don't know, it seems. 13 hours, right? It's not 13 hours? Seems long. Yeah, seems long.

Oh, and one more thing that I've done a bad job of this week, my other co-host, who I have also called up on the, uh, the rune, already before the show started, used it or the blue. That's right. I am Yusse de Or. Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. Minipulator of magical delights. Devour of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Trockus. The hills no me is feeing, Yalek.

The dwarves no me is shown in Inhoog Stenges, and I am noone in the northeast, disguess Winnius Mastar. And there may be other secret names, names that if I could unlock their secret potential, may release us from these gem-like prisons we find ourselves in now. Yeah, you know, I don't want to belabor it,

because maybe people have listened to the last week's episode or the week before, but there's a crazy earthquake at Earthquake? Earthquake? I've been calling it the Earthquake. You know, it's almost like a wordplay minus it meaning anything. Oh, fun.

So instead of an earthquake, I've been calmed in Earthquake. I don't know if anybody else wants to jump on that bandwagon with me. Yeah, I think, well, technically in Fune, if an earthquake lasts a week, then it's an earthquake. I've been calmed in Earthquake. I don't know if anybody else wants to jump on that bandwagon with me. Yeah, I think, well, technically in Fune, if an earthquake lasts a week, then it's an earthquake. Oh, what if it's like, takes a month, Earthquanth? And I don't, don't tell me about a year, because I'm not going to say it. I know, let's keep our fingers crossed.

Let's forgo that one. Exactly. So, use it or we're all trapped remotely, and we're just finally getting used to using these jewels with the room to contact each other. But I'm a little worried. Before we get into the episode, I want to play some audio that I got earlier in the week. I got a message from Signet the surveillance spider. Do you remember we interviewed him a while back? Oh yes, I remember. Spider? Do you remember we interviewed him a while back? Oh, yes, I remember. Yeah. Yeah, it's spider that was like spying on everybody, but was very forthcoming on telling us about his methods. He sent out via rune a warning about room. So I thought we should probably listen to this. Let me bring it up.

Oh, hey guys. This is a second the surveillance spider look I don't mean to bother you while you're like going through the horrific crisis and all but I did want to clue you in on something because I know that all of this rune stuff is pretty esoteric but well bottom line I got good news and bad news bad news is those runes that you're using because they're the only way to talk to each other now they're all on lockdown bad news is that I can spine everything you've got, dark lords, to see it. We're making long-term records of it.

We'll be data mining it, maybe a leak, and it'll come back to haunt you, et cetera, et cetera. The good news is, those ruins that you're using, we can spy on them and start everything you say and hand it over to the dark lords and like mine for later intelligence and maybe lose track of it and have blackmailers come after you and so on. Basically I know you're not going to stop using the runes. Like what else are you going to do? Like demand that the rune company start making better runes that protect

your privacy. Yeah good luck with that. You just hold your breath and not talk to anyone until such time as you are satisfied that your privacy is being respected. I'm sure that'll work. In the meantime, just keep talking. I'm enjoying it. Honestly, you guys are hilarious. Uh, alright, second doubt. What? What is data mining? You know, I'm not sure. On Earth, I know it means something, but I don't know what it means here or on Earth. Do you get silver or gold or other minerals

that are important to the formation of magical weapons? You said, or I think you're missing the point here. Whenever we get something nice or good, apparently. I don't think I'm missing the point. I think I want to know what sort of magical minerals I may be able to get from this process. For if I can take advantage of this data mining I shall as well. Look, I'm just saying that finally we have something that makes our lives better and a little bit easier and something bad happens from it. It's just like pornography all over again.

Ah, yeah, that's, ah, what a statement. I mean on the internet, not just, I guess I shouldn't ruin that. Not date time, a concept of that. I mean, which is already complicated enough. Sure, sure, well. The dark lord, or anyone, could maybe be listening to our semi-private ruin conversations. Can we back up onto that pornography thing again though?

Don't use those words together. I'm really troubled. Like, I'm actually floored by that statement. Quite confused. What about it? That somehow... I love what you get into a situation where someone is maybe revealed too much, but you fear that to ask questions would also reveal too much. Yes, exactly that. I fear whatever query I do pose may reveal even more troubling information I'd need not have.

I've learned that I don't want to mind data. Yeah. And you know what ever since I mentioned pornography, chun, it's been deadly silent. How out of character? Oh, sorry, I went into my mind palace to pull back up the pornography I saw on your phone. Oh. There's pornography on my phone?

Well, there is now, ever since you lent it to me. I've been using my, you know, before we got separated, I was using my arrow a day on the phone to go to the College of pornography. The College of pornography? Yeah, you porn. It's the University of porn. They've been teaching me. I've been learning for 13 hours a day,

staring into the candle of pornography. I see so many questions I don't want to ask. But look, we are getting, we've, I've said it before, I'll say it again. We're getting too distracted by pornography. The problem is, are we communicating on an unsecure magical line? Should we like use something else like Vase Time? Well, I shattered my vase so we can't do Vase Time.

And Vases aren't anymore secure than a room. And vases aren't anymore secure than a room. You've to speak into a vase, all the glyphs there converted into ceramic bits, which I can also be easily deciphered by the Dark Lord. I love doing ceramic bits. Can we do skip? Do you guys still have skip setup? Is that where you like skip a rock over water

and then like blur bowl words into the pool with your face? Exactly it. But you have to do it real fast before the stone stop skipping. That's a old-fashioned. What if I just get a card and I go up to the edge of the area that I'm stuck in and I just sort of waved you? Oh so you're saying we should do the whole podcast just via waves. Yeah just wave at each other. Hello. Hello. Hello.

The Usador, I'm not in the adjoining shark to you. I don't know who you're waving at right now. Yeah, who are you pointing at? That's not you. Is there someone else on Strong Guy? I'll be right back. Who looks just like me. Arnie, you know the theory.

It's called the doppelganger theory, is that everyone in Fune has 20 people who look exactly like them. 20 people? Mm-hmm. And if you find them and you collect them all, you ascend to be a higher creature. Sounds like a higher creature came up with that theory.

Who are you? What's your name? His name is Dougal. Dougal? Arnie, you said he was looking into a mirror. This is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Duggle. John, I hate to say it, but I feel like being trapped like this, you said he was starting

to go crazier than usual. He's used to having those magical outlets and without, you know, spells to do or anybody to save. I fear he's just going bonkers. Ah, I'm back. I thought Duggle looked like Arnie, and then I saw him him up close and he's just some idiot in a blue hat. Hmm. Covered in bird shit?

Yeah, that's the guy. Well now we know one of the secret names. We know that the mirrors call usadore Dougal. Wawa? When I say Dougal, it should be more of a... Ha-ha! Than a wawa. Look, guys, we're getting distracted again. I'm saying this... Look, I'm saying this communication that is making this podcast possible

Might not be secure. Anyone could be listening or break into our conversation. We could get Roonbombed at any moment Roonbombed Yeah, I think I just coined a cool new phrase Roonbombing. That will be fine. Wait! Does anyone else hear that? So good. Oh, this is a propaganda secret. I'm sorry. So... Oh! Well?

Oh! Oh well. I am Genlevia! Holy shit! Wizard of the Sixth Realm of Ephesians, Mistress of Nature, and Nurture, revive of the sprigs of Gothma Gith. See over the prophecies of the Thames, it mists. Keep her of the sacred tom of death, or, and two time with her choice of word nominee.

The elves know me as paramans, so it's three. The vampires know me as they bloodless. The tree folk know me as Opal, Videwitch, and upon the aisles of Miga, I am known as, oh, I am Zamvita. And if ask me how I other names, I shall gladly share all my bitches? Ah, beloved Geneva, how do you come to be here

and outroon with us? Well, I'm room bombing. I decided a room bomb. There's nothing else to do, so I've decided a room bomb. I was at a six-sexting centa-art, which is so hard to say, six-sexting centaur, I couldn't touch it. Six-sexting centaur, you can exactly try it. Six-sexting centaur.

Don't show off your IQ-Elecution. You know the thing about getting in a situation with six-sexting centaur is that the end you've found. See, I told you, thank you for the support. You may discover at the end that you've been dead the whole time Also, Jim leave you I do have to interrupt to say I'm not an Elecution eel. I may more a eel the what oh you're an eel currently. I Yes, Jim leave you that's chunced that eel that you see on your ruin there. Oh, yes I thought it was someone's penis. I was just I guess I was having flashbacks to the six-secting sectors. And just like long, long, long time.

And I just had to get out of there. So yes, you're not a penis, you're an eel. How, I don't care. Well, he's not an oughta penis. I mean, I don't know the genitalia, but eel, I don't really know how or what or why they do. They don't have cloacas, I would ensue, but who knows? You know the cloaca?

It's the hole with which, you know, coca-tresses and other birds, they poop and they pee, and they also ejaculate from that hole. So that's why I've never made love to a coca-tress. Oh wait, I have. This is why you're my favorite guest. Oh. Oh, wake up, cloaca.

Oh, wake up. And now, this is also not a penis. Do you remember Arnie? Hi! Oh, yes, the, the, the, that one. Yes. I'm from another world. I know.

The four know that everyone fetishizes. Yes, of course. Arnie, aren't you dead? I was hoping you'd be dead, but of course, you are. Practically. Hello. I'm almost dead. Almost looking as a sword stuck into his abdomen.

And we froze in it in time. I got stabbed by a magical obsidian sword and I can't take it out. Oh, I thought that was a penis. I'm just so confused about these things on my roof. Neither just so many phallics. I mean, it's really the six-secting sectors, really. Well, how unfortunate for you.

So when the Earthqueep is over, all that's better than mine. Earthquake. What? What? Is it Earthquake? That's what happened. I was thinking Earthquake, but Earthquake is better. Right when you said Earthquake, I had a sharkquake down here. Oh, yes, I guess it is. That's what's really lovely. Onnie thinks he invented the word Earthquake and Roombombie,

which clearly he didn't, because you said it as soon as you arrived. No, I mean that Roombombie is not. I mean that is just standard issue. It's standard issue for people who are bored and caught in the circuit centers with which we are all caught. In some kind of nightmarish prison. You two are trapped. I am trapped. Oh, Genelevia. Everyone is trapped. The Earthquee trapped everyone. We're like little cells in a honey bee. That a honeycomb.

We're all just trapped. Trapped and here I am in a gargantuan, a massive store. Exclusively for underwear, for ogres and giants. I mean, I'm like swimming in underwear here. It's disgusting. Those are our big undies. Yes, look at this. I mean, like a taunt on it. A tauntana! It's like a taunt on it! A taunt on it!

It's like a taunt on a around me. It's the only way I'm keeping warm because it is quite cold here. I mean, we told you about taunt on us. No, I'd love to hear more. Well, if you ever stuck out in the freezing cold with a friend of yours, the best thing to do is to climb into a taunt on a. You just climb inside. Yeah, just climb inside. They don't mind.

No, they love it. They love it. In fact, it's their cloaca that you enter. And the rest of them are just on the other end, so it really works out for everyone. We call them nature's bedrooms. It's called nature's bedroom. Yes. Oh, you know, you're much prettier as an eel than you are as a person.

Or a manager, or whatever I've ever seen you as Yeah, thank you for that back-end compliment. Okay. You're my used to door. Yes. How are you? How are I? It's really I just want to admit right now that I Have been longing for you in a little bit. I uh, there was some lace Undies over here that are the size of a Seven-handed horse and I was thinking of you. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, look a little bit. How are you? I am well. And I too have dreamt of you.

Here, Trappinese haunted hot springs with no companionship except for weak guy. I have turned my thoughts back to my lost love. And now you're here to invite me back into the wizard's guild. Hmm, oh, where did you pick that up? You're clearly been in the hot tub a little bit too much. Nobody wants you back anyway. Okay. I'm so sorry to sell you that, dear. No, everyone still hates you. Current events. Would you like a little recap? Oh, that would be good. I know I love recaps.

Okay, good. Yes. So we knew each other. When last we met you and your cadre gave me the whole army that you had built up, me and Demonte. Oh, that rich. That rich across though. The topping crossbow, yeah.

Yes, Demonte. By the way, he seemed so competent, didn't he? And such a leader, did he not? Oh, yes, yes. No, he ran, we were halfway across the continent. And he ran off with a hookah named Mrs. Glott. That's horish little thing. And he just ran away.

And so he left me high and dry. And here I am just shooting corn out my vajage to keep all these people fed. And I can't be a leader at the same time So I had to close up shop downstairs and and become the leader that I knew I could be and you know cannibalism Followed and people are very bitchy right now. Oh, that's all I have to say. It's so hard for me to track what things You're saying are literal and which things are not what about my vatch Hi, dry. Oh, well, it was is very... I'm having some hormonal changes, so, you know, just sliding the corn out of there, like I was... I want to do, it's been a little bit more challenging

to be honest with you. Oh, sweet, Ginleviya, I would never leave the hindrigh. If I were with thee right now, I would transform mineself into the most sumptuous and delicious and moist cake, and I would slather icing all over mineself and appear in thine bed chamber. Oh my goodness, you would be covered in icing from hind to Thai? I from tip to top from hind to Thai indeed, all but I see a root. Don't tie it to toe. Get a root. Ah, well, you said, or you are ex, oh, look.

Oh my gosh, a corn just popped out. Look at this is exactly what I needed. Oh my god, I can't actually get too excited. This is not a big room. I mean, it is very big with the size of the underwear, but it's not a big boutique. There's not a lot of ogres and giants who actually wear underwear. So it's a very, very narrow sort of niche.

Niche, it's a niche business. I don't know why I was in, you know, a really, I was next door at the gluten-free bakery trying to get some pop tarts, but, you know, that I got thrust in here by the earthquake. And so here I am. They got, I don't need food, I just need sustenance like you. Oh, sweet Geneva, I'm so sorry that you were trapped like the rest of us.

Oh, oh, if only you could have a finger full of icing from the cake I would make myself. And then I would transform myself into a mighty eagle and fly directly into the sun where I would die and be born again for thee. Oh, you are so romantic! Exactly, tell me exactly how you would die. Tell me exactly how it would feel. Oh, as I flew upwards towards the sun, which is only a few feet away off of the surface of food,

I would look directly into that star, burning mine very courty as out before I added Eden reach it. And then, as my feathers began to sizzle, and I could smell mine self-cooking to a delicious crisp, I would baste mine self in mine own juices until I burned to not but ash. Ernie, Ernie. Oh, I just popped a pumpkin out my badge. Oh, this is incredible. Wow! Wow, this is incredible. Oh my god.

Wow, this is all I needed. It really was. You're making me a cornucopia, a veritable cornucopia or a used door. And you've positioned the jewel that we're having this ruin on at such a low angle. We're seeing everything. Oh, well, you know, do you know what I'm sitting in?

Does it look like I'm in a pop-as-on chair? It's actually just the left part of a bra, a giant bra. It really makes a nice swing, a little nice little. Anyway, Yusudor, I, as much as I lust after the, I don't know if taking up our mantle again, is a good idea because the rest of the wizard's guild really hates your guts. I have to tell you, it is very hard.

Yunus the Egg Roo, I love you to tell you. She has a whole section of her store, her Betsy store, with cross stitch of you dying in very terrible ways. Actually I'm gonna tell her about the eagle thing. The cornea thing will be interesting what string she picks out for that color but it she really just despises you and her handicraft really sends her around how you should die. I just don't know if it's going to be political for me to be fraternizing with someone who really everyone once did. Does she take orders over Ring?

She does. Actually, does she does custom work? There was a heartbeat the other day that really wanted a picture of her child ripping apart another small child of human child. And she did such work as the point of this was so beautiful. Really? Yes, I'm sure she could do a custom. I could convey it. I just take whatever standard Yusudor dying. Why? Crossed.

You wanted a Yusudor. Oh, you know, I can imagine Yusudor being beheaded would be a good one because she could use some yarn. She does great macro-may work, so possibly him being impaled in some way. I don't know, she's very, very uptight and very into people's justice and, you know, justice to the people and creatures, but she's very okay as well what she does. Jen, leave you, I don't want to backtrack too much. One, I just want to say that Wizard Dirty Talk is fucking wild, but I'm sort of into it. Two, Jen, leave you. Earlier you said you popped some corn out of your vagina, earlier you said you popped some corn out of your vagina. Then you mentioned you popped a pumpkin out of your vagina.

Absolutely. I can't imagine the corn popped out if a pumpkin also pops out. I have to imagine the corn just fell out loosely. Oh, oh, this is very interesting. Well, the usador. Yes, I must interject here. Chant Naa, dout, the elasticity of a wizard's vagina. Let me just tell you, usador, where you're here and where you in person.

I would be able to produce a salad bar like no one's business. As you strutted toward me, unbuttoning your robe where they're buttoned. I would pop out cherry tomatoes. I would have lettuce flowing from my breast. Who is this for? Let us flow from your breast. I would have shredded carrots of a softness and sweetness. You have never seen just undulating out of my anus.

Oh, is there a sneeze guard? Ah, yes. Most assuredly, my lady, I would approach the and transform mine self into the ensnese guard. Let no form of mucus be covered here in my lady's sweet garden. Oh, my goodness, the variety of dressings that would come forth from my breasts, such as nectar from the earth, squeezing, and a fountain of vinaigrette on one side, a fountain of ranch on the other, spurting like a fountain that you have never seen before.

Yes. I think I figured out how to do a side room. There's something I gotta tell you privately for a second, okay? Is it that you're also rock hard? No. Chunk, I have a new theory. You know how it always seems that wizards have crazy magical sex?

My new theory is, they don't really understand what sex is, and they're just saying a lot of stuff. It's possible. Arnie, I think I'm with you because anytime they talk about sex or like romance or any sort of like sensual talk. They always speak about food. Like, Memorgin leave you with a rack of ribs at one point. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think you're right.

I don't think they're having sex. And when she talks about popping stuff out of her vagina, does she mean her mouth? I don't know. How high up on a wizard is the vagina? Because she said high and dry. That's true. Cotton mouth.

I don't know. I'm just saying things. And now I'm just saying things. Let's go back to the time. Yeah, I don't know, I'm just saying thing. I know, I'm just saying things. Let's go back to the room. Yeah, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but let's go back to their side of the room. A tortilla drier than any you'd ever seen. Oh my God.

Well, the strawberry topping would be as sweet and luscious as any strawberry topping you have ever liked, and it would come forth from my nostrils like like a blood flowing from from the neck of someone decapitated strawberries on a tortilla. A tortilla? Oh yes it deserts. It's a new desert taco. Yeah it's mixing things up you know it's a little diffusion. Chunchy we got to do a side room another side room. Okay I have a new room. Another side room.

Okay, I have a new theory. I think they also don't understand how food works. Have I told you about tortillas, by the way? No, what are food tortillas? Well, I don't want to get into it, but listen, I think you're right, I think you're onto something. Here's what we do. We go back into the main room, okay?

Now we quiz them, we test them, we poke and prod to see if they're actually having sex and if they know what sex is Okay, it's a sex test. It's a sex test And then we will deep fry the beef bourgain yarn and put a little bit of marshmallow on top And then roll it up into an egg roll and then that all the eggs will be fried around it. Then we will put some maple syrup on it, and you will lick it off the peaks of the eggs, and then you will, what? The peaks of the egg, the peaks of the egg.

Excuse me, excuse me. We're just listening and enjoying. If you were just interrupting, you weren't listening, you were just interrupting. Yes, we were just about to simultaneously just spring into a chocolate fountain. I don't even understand why you guys are even here right now. Could you not sidebar? Could you sideroom? Oh, we did. I just had a quick question just making... Sure, sure. Just making basic conversation.

You said, or where does the penis go? Between your legs. I mean, how clear, how much clearer could you be? This is like at the beginning of the episode. I mean, how clear, how much clearer could you be? Hmm. This is like at the beginning of the episode. I'm not sure. I can ask questions, but I might just reveal too much about myself. A kin to a yogurt shop, each one of my buttholes would then produce a different variety of yogurt.

One would be pistachio. One would be gravy. Another one would be gravy another one would be Plast plastic beads Arnie, I think I'm into wizard sex. Oh, excuse me. Oh, oh shit I thought we were in a cider in sorry. I was just saying like this is all good content. Oh, it's wonderful You know, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait happened with germ crust, Yusador. As we are fraternizing, and I just ovulated about 15,000 times, I would like, I would like to demand to know what happened with this alternate version of person that you were romancing. Bell's fired.

As we have traveled across the land of fune, I have lost touch with gum crust, and I fear that I may not hear of her again. And let me remind you, I now did have a romantic affair with Miss Crust. Did you share a slurping with her at any point? No, only in an alternate universe. Did I cradle her and mine arms as her arms were ifbed off and she died?

Which, you know, that's just like an intense situation, you know? Oh, well that's a happy ending. So she basically wasn't just a torso at the end and then died? Yeah, yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't great. I'm gonna have Eunice make that out of Mac or me for me. That's gonna be beautiful. Like, maybe like a felt sculpture. That'll go right on the mind mantle. This is beautiful.

Thank you, Yusidot. You're welcome. And now that you know how to contact me. And I know it's awkward for you than you can't speak on my behalf for the Wizard Council, but I want you to know that we need not only get together and talk about our fantasies where I emerge from a tiny peanut shell and then grow into a full-sized Yusador. But I can also listen to you. I understand that this is a stressful time, and I am here for thee.

Thank you very much. But you know, Spin-Tax is quite a good therapist for me, so I'm okay with it. Spin-Tax? I'm going to go talk to Dougal. But wait, isn't Spin-Tax? Spin-Tax is trapped on Earth. Spin-Tax is.

Oh no, no, no. Spin-Tax has been back for a while. He brought me so... Oh yes, he brought me something called a polypocket. And what I did, I kept these little shells and then I shrunk actual people in there to actually live there and, you know, they weren't happy about it, but, you know, it's either that or death. So, it's actually quite nice.

I can fit the whole army. Yes, it's a pocket. I can fit the whole army. It's a pocket that has an open relationship? Oh, no, no. This is just basically an inch. Well, you know, I guess they could be open if they wanted to.

So anyway, I guess, SpinTech is back. And you know, he has learned quite a bit. Arnie, I've learned a lot about your world and it's very messed up. I mean. Oh, wow. I'm reeling at the revelation that SpinTech is back. I've got to get a subscription to Stitcher Premium.

Yes, everyone should. Well, he's back, and he is, uh, he's basically, he told me all about the Jonas Brothers taking over your land, so there you go. Oh, D-Dish! What have you learned about the Jonas Brothers or are we in break? Yes, we'll take a break and tell us all about the Jonas Brothers. all about the dead Jonas Brothers. All right, and now we're back with the wizard sex test, Chant. Yeah, so just wanted to, again, just typical conversation, just making normal observations and chatter. Genlevia, when you talk about sex, what's something you typically do during sex?

When you say like, I've definitely had sex? Well, it definitely involves carbs. And it's a little bit hard lately because I have a little gluten sensitivity. So that's a little bit hard, teflour, and rice flour is actually a little bit better on my constitution. So it puts a little crimp in the you know bound check a wild kind of thing you know a half hours kind of hard to find so that's been a little bit challenging huh so yes and when you say gluten sensitivity now famously in food the gluten has thousands of nerve endings so

the gluten should be sensitive and have sensitivity no but I yes of course do you ever play with your gluten or like, is that ever coming to, um, come into your hands? Oh, oh, oh, well, that's the problem. When I'm playing with my gluten, I become a little bit allergic. I get very excited. And it may be overly excited. You know what I'm saying? So I get, you know, like a little breeze will be like, oh, you know, so that's where I, my gluten is way overly sensitive. And that's why I have to sort of work around it. Uh, minimize it. So that's why I have to sort of work around it. Sure, sure, sure. Minimize it. So that's one thing.

Yeah. I got to say for myself, if I get involved with gluten, it makes my butt explode. Oh, well, it's very sensitive down there. I might be failing the wizard test. You should or. Yes. I'm going to say some things that I want you to tell me

if this is eating food or sex. All right. OK. I'll blow a sex. All right. Okay. I'll blow you out. Eating food. Eating out someone. I'm gonna do food on that one too.

Okay. Licking the top of a cupcake. That's sex. For sure. Oh baby, lick the top of me. I have sprinkles on. Oh. Okay. Not only are the out sprinkled, but the outer also has some cherry on top.

And when that icing be removed, I see that there is a filling inside that cupcake. The sweetest and moistest filling air that has seen. And then I transform my mind self into a swan. Huh, okay. There you're not to talk about my curd in front of your friends, my love. How about cooking rigatoni in your asshole? Hmm. Ooh, I, you know, a little of color, a little of color beef.

Huh. Arnie, I can't tell. Here, let me, let me ask a couple of these. Uh, how about eating food? Definitely sex. Oh, well, sex, so sex. I mean, that is actually going to fourth base is basically food. And then having sex? That is also so sex. I mean that is actually going to fourth base is basically And then having sex that is also having sex. Oh, okay. Well, there you go

I don't know pull it out in the end, which is not safe when you're eating out That would be both as well exactly. Oh, if only we could die now I have to have everything delivered. I know you You said you've mentioned this a couple of times. Huh? How are you having food delivered? No one can move from place to place. You grub house. It just delivers through the room. Have you not had a grub house delivered?

Arnie, a little grub will bring you a satchel of sustenance if you pay it. Oh. Yes, it's made me wonder if I should just try to dig under this barrier that stopped me. If these little grubs can come up through the ground and deliver me food. Oh, that reminds me. You said I should just try to dig under this barrier that stopped me if these little grubs Can come up through the ground and deliver me food. Oh that reminds me you sort of don't know if you're still doing this Are you still doing are you still doing use the door dash? Well, I can't right now

I haven't found a way to get through the barrier and now My sorts of income has been cut off. I'm very upset about it I loved delivering things to people using my wisdom powers when I had the time. It was a very entrepreneurial startup idea that you had dear. And I was quite impressed with it because of course I tried to have a side hustle myself. But it never has gone well for me. Is it true? I heard somewhere that you started pastimates.

This thing where you would deliver food to your exes. Yes, that was really a bad situation because, you know, Yusudor and I have broken up so many times. I was like a private delivery for him for a while. And then of course, spin-tax kept me on speed dial and wanted me to always deliver, you know, a small children, small seals, baby seals, all sorts of things to him for nefarious purposes.

And I just said, you know what I'm not doing this anymore. There are too many, you know, my swim coach from elementary school after I hooked up with him, after I graduated to be a student. Much later, much later, yes. Yes, my life. To be fair, you wizards come into the world like fully formed.

Oh, yeah, exactly. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the real thing is, in fact, it's more weird that you are an elementary school at all. Well, you know, I like to moon like, I'm a little bit of an overachiever. I didn't want to just jump into wizard school. I was like, well, I should learn fractions. But I didn't. But I did fall in love for a brief moment of time.

The worst thing about pastmates for me was how do you tip? Well, I didn't. I got a punch on the face one time. Oh, I never punched you in the face. You know what? I never punched them in the face. Cassie, the gore gone. Oh, well, maybe not. Remember that fling I had? Oh, it was my indie spirit kind of, you know, she was an indie spirit and it was a threesome and you know, what do you do? I don't want to mess with Kathy. Well, she's, yeah, she's horrible. So, Jen, you said you like to learn about fractions.

What are some of your favorite fractions? You know, I really like one-thirds. I definitely like the number nine. So when, for example, when I have to do a human sacrifice for a spell, nine, nine children usually, nine infants, children, anything like that, you know, baby animals. You think nine is a fraction? I don't think you know the half of it.

What was it? No, I just don't like you. So, I was just bearing an insult because you know what? I'm trapped in here. I'm feeling a little bit claustrophobic and so desperate You know I have ruined every single person ever in my contact list ever You know a week will go by and I'll be like you know remember Kathy who was in Pilates Let's just see how she is and just go hey thinking about you But I'm not really. I'm just so desperate

for some kind of, hello back, and then we just have an exchange of one or two like, hey, how are you? Hope the family's great. And she says, ah! Exactly. And then she's dead, so. So I'm last. Your last stop used to door, but last is always best. Oh, can I tell you about my Taco Bar? Oh, yes please. Oh, can I tell you about my Taco Bar? Oh, yes please. Oh, here we go, here we go. This will go as an answer. My Taco Bar is so tricked out.

It has a cybols all over it, dripping with a side juice on my Taco Bar. And then, cream soda, just everywhere in bricks, bricks of cream soda, just oozing and sweating as bricks of cream soda I want to do. Yes. And then just chunks of venison, just raw venison, being wrapped in banana leaves, so crispy and bright. And I, as the soy sauce to complement thine taco bar, ch'o douse thee with mine salty goodness. Oh my goodness.

And then we wrap ch'o with ch'o. Fawar's is pubes, Wizards is kids. Wizards is kids. Yeah, I think they don't know. They come into this world fully forms physically, but mentally, I think they start from scratch. I think they're just like babies mentally. Yeah. A brick of creme soda is not something a taco bar would have.

I think I've got a new wizard test to figure out if Wizards is kids. Okay, okay. let's go back. And the pig cried when he saw that the web said some pig. Oh my god. I'm Roman is so full of nerd robes right now. I'm so torn on it. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm gonna leave you a whole new story. We have a couple more questions for the Wizard Test. All right.

My first question is, I pass. You pass on the test? No, you said it's a Wizard Test. I pass, I'm a Wizard. Oh, well, he's correct. Here's my question. So, you know, it's after soccer and you need to get home

and a stranger comes by and tells you that they can give you a ride home. What do you do? Do they have candy? They do have candy. Get on that horse. Get on the horse. Just get on the horse. Hold on, Jin Libia. Is it good candy or is it the hard candy? The crappy candy? Oh, is it Pike and Mike's? Pike and Mike's are terrible. It's fish. It's fish.

Just fish. It's just fish. It's just Pike. It's just Pike. No, it's just Pike. All Pike, no Mike. Yeah, I get on the horse. I get on the horse too. I'd be on the horse in a second without even asking anything questions. I mean, he has he has candy. That's what she. Yeah, exactly. Okay, next scenario, you go into a house and you see that there's a wood burning stove going Oh touch that bad boy. Oh, yeah, just stick it right in Yeah, I put your hand right on top I put my vagina in there and then I'd shoot out some marshmallows just for snack You put your vagina in there. Yeah, where else are you gonna put it? That's called vores when you make marshmallows in your vagina It's called wars. Oh, yeah, I like it.

Trademark. Come on, here we go. Another one. I can answer all these questions. The easiest questions I've ever been asked. I love it when you're confident. Arnie, do you have any other questions? Oh, how old are you?

I myself am 350 years old. Oh, but they didn't say in half, so maybe they're not kids. I'm 275. If you look it up in the records, but I fudge that, just to be honest with you, I'm really almost 300. But hey, I have the great skin. I do kill children to keep my skin. We've already talked about this, to keep my skin beautiful and give it to my scar. Yes, which I took back. Arnie, they're both several hundred years old, but they counted on their fingers. You'll call that one a draw. And this whole time we've been talking,

Yusur has been dancing around, holding his penis. Look, he clearly has to go to the bathroom. But yes, I have to go very badly. Just go, so you don't have an accident. Look, I'm a ghost! I'm a ghost, I'm playing Drew dress up, I'm a ghost! It's really underwear in my head. Am I not whimsical, Y playing DROD RESTUP I'm a ghost It's really underwear my head if I'm not whimsical you said or Watch as I climb this tree

Well, you're so remember oh look at you hanging upside down with your knees Oh, and he's at a haunted spa so Arnie let's have him jump in the pool and see if he asks us to watch him You sure want you jumping that pool. All right Alright here I go look watch look at me. Oh look at me. Nice one big guy. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Yeah. Yeah just a second buddy. Just a second champ. Yeah. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Ar. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Arnie. Hey Ar bit. Just a second. Talkin' to Shawn. Look, no, no, no, I have a dolly here. And she's so pretty. Buddy, I love you, buddy. I will him just a second. I just, what's the dolly's name?

The dolly's name is Jean Levia. And she's a nausea dolly. Look at her, she does bad things. Wow. Oh, here we go. Here, you saw I'm gonna throw my keys in the bottom of the pool, aren't you? Get them.

Alright. Oh, I'm so good. I love it. Chant down nicely. Allowed around kids. Because I threw my keys in the bottom of the pool. I carried curing kids and just dived in the bottom of the pool. Oh no, but I used it all broke his neck. That's going to be inconvenient for the reset to spin.

Is it okay? Oh, back to normal. Yes, here's a test. You should or now that you broke your neck, you're gonna go to a doctor or a pediatrician. I would go to a cat. No, I think. Cat or doctor, I'm gonna pick cat.

That's fair. Well, this has been fun. Don't really know where I can go with any of this anymore. I don't actually care about you anymore. I might go to this, this sixth centaise-sexting party again. Which, I mean, no insult. But you said, I'm having a little bit of internal conflict. I'm having, I'm actually having a very comradery time with you.

Comradery-ish time. Anyway, I'm enjoying my time with you. Usually the two of you are just fighting each other, but for some reason this time, the fact that we can't be together makes us want to be together. Exactly. If I could put you in a little bubble and you could walk alongside me, it would be so sweet. I can't smell his pheromones either and his pheromones just put me in a rage, kind of like a bull, seeing red or, you know, a hydra, just seeing a person with a sword, just like, blah, wanting to just, you know, tear him into.

I don't know. Usually, I think it might be a Pheremonal thing, you know. If I could never smell you, if I could put you in a Suran rap or something, that might be nice for us. Oh, if I were wrapped in Suran rap, you could take a hammer to me and smash me as if I were some grahamid cracker topping for a thine seven-layer salad filled with mayonnaise. And have we told you the story of Surran? What's that? John. Tortilla chips.

There was a knight in a village. Chocolate chips. He said he was going to defend the Queen's honor and kill a dragon, but in the end, he said, oh, green peppers. who said he was going to defend the Queen's honor and kill a dragon, but in the end he fled. He said to me, uh-huh. Green Peppers. You know, I think

Yusador, Jen leave you it. It sort of sounds like the two of you are in love with the idea of each other. Pfft. How dare you. How dare you. You're really into each other in theory, but maybe not so much in practice. The theoretical of Yusador is repugnant if you really put it on paper, but you know, now that we're in close confines, I have to say that it is, I do miss my little bug bear.

Oh, and I miss you to my little sweet moth lady. Oh, how I dream of you at night with thine gossamer wings and only wish that you would call me sometime. Call me on the rune and tell me all the secret in her thoughts. I should be here for the eye could be a better friend than spin-tags. You know there's a reason why I haven't long-distance astrolatio relationship to you. You know we did meet on the astral plane continuously for the past decade or two. Yes, yes. And so there's no reason why we can't do that now.

That's true. I, uh, I think our little room full of quesantis still there. They're definitely moldy. Just watching. Fetched morass, mole rats chirping at them in our bed, just defecating all over the place where we could make love. I shall meet you on Astro Plank this very eve if you will have me. I'm going to go change into a candy cane outfit and I'll be there later. Okay, bye bye.

Bye bye bye. Oh my gosh. That went great. Ysur, can I say something and you're my friend and I never want to hurt you, but can I tell you something I saw? Uh-huh. When Jean-Lievie had popped that pumpkin out of out of her vagina, I saw for a moment I saw Peter Peter in frame.

Do you know Peter Peter? Not Peter Peter, the pumpkin eater. Yeah. That one? Yeah, I thought I saw the top of his head. Well, Yvonne always had an open relationship, so... If that's how she choose to spend a time, that's how she chooses to spend a time. Oh, you're taking it very well. That's very mature of you. So maybe you're

am I? Go to your room. Go to your hat. I just heard go to your hat. But I go to your hats. Oh, I'm fine. I just realized that we were talking with one of the most powerful wizards in all of Foon for a long time, and we never talked about how we were going to solve this whole problem of the Earthquief. Guys, this storyline is going to go on forever! Hashtag Earthquief? That's got already expressed, right? This is why we sit through three episodes of Corecast, because once every so often the stars turn out. And yes, Earthquee is a thing, released in summer 2011, starring an unshaven John Qsac,

with an uncredited cameo by Bryce Howard Dallas as a rabid Coca-Cola polar bear. Usual The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant The More A Eel was played by Adol Rathai. Siggint, the surveillance spider, was played by writer Corey Doctro. You can pre-order Attack Surface, the third little brother novel now, by googling Attack Surface Pre-Order campaign. You'll even get a free short story as well. And while you're going all pre-order crazy, pre-order Corey's first picture book, Poisey the Monster Slayer.

Jyn Lidia the Red Wizard was played by Special guest Felicia Day. Check out her new book Embrace Your Weird, a creativity workbook you can find wherever books happen. Wow, this episode has so much more literary cred than its usual zero. Ear will producer Kimi Lucas. See, I can say things in whatever order I want. It's crazy times. All bets are off! Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rathai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Special assistance by Ryan Torjee. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If you're planning to put a pumpkin anywhere that pumpkins were placed during this episode, talk to your doctor, or at least for god's sakes, file down the stem. you