Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 41 - Crone Appétit (w/ Janet Varney)

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

As the boys continue pondering their situation, they meet an old friend who may be able to help keep them fed, Crone Bakeress.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungCrone Bakeress: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Hey improv team mate, another great show. Oh thanks Derek, I loved your move to merge our two initiations by making it a kitchen table in the Vatican. So great. Yeah, that environment was so rich, I could have done the entire show there. And we were like edited three times before we actually left the stage.

Yeah, rule of threes. Derek, I know that you're new to the team, but I think I can trust you. I'm working on something that's gonna blow this art form wide open. Adding more women? No, one per team is enough. But since I've pretty much mastered object work… Oh hell yeah, your slot machine in the group game was immaculate. Oh right, the secret is holding out my arm to make the lever.

So isn't it time to add real objects? Wait, you mean? Yes, why MIME a mug when you can bring a real mug on stage? That is an idea. I can't wait to see an action. Okay, but you gotta keep it quiet, okay? I'll catch you later. The Improv Jam starts in two days and I want to get in line for Do Run Run now. Yeah, time well spent.

Well, listen, my plan was to sabotage Trisha's improv team from within. But it appears she's beaten me to the punch. Now, what of our distanced heroes? No, I'm not really interested either, but we do have another 40 minutes to fill. Sit back, make peace with the fact that your focus will waver around the 20 minute mark and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern!

Remote Edition. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune, I'm your host, Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Many years ago, I fell through a dimensional pool behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune,

which currently due to an earthquake, earthquake, earthquake, whichever you wanna call it, has trapped everyone in separate little portions of the land of fune. And you know, I'm actually even trapped apart from my co-host, but luckily, using the magic of ruin, we are still recording the podcast.

I am joined remotely, but still together by my co-host, Chant the Talking. What are you this week? It looks like I'm watched back up on shore on the beach and I'm a starfish now you're starfish why oh I'm a starfish just putting a spin on it yeah yeah is it fun to introduce yourself in a sing song oh sure should I start yeah you try it okay all right hello from the magic to heaven better, worlds better.

That's how singing works, right? Mm-hmm. Well, we can get you some. What was that thing on your computer, auto-tune? Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, you know what, I'm also joined above my other singing co-host, Usant or the Wizard.

Usant or Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fizz-y-us. Master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical delights Devour of chaos Oh, I regret this. No, I regret this. I know. No, to the dwarves as It's such that his names in the room

Can you see his name? That's guess Wayney is my star In the English farm. Yeah, how's he doing that? 12's as it's not that his names in the room can you see his name or like? It's my style. Yeah, how's he doing that? And there may be other secret names you do not know. This is one of those times that I regret that pack that we all made with each other that we would never stop an episode and start over again. Yeah, never. I refuse.

How are you two doing? It's so hard not seeing you every day and just checking in once a week via the technology of room. Yeah, I'm doing pretty good. I don't know why, instinctually, my shapeshifter instincts are making me, you know, bounce between the ocean and the beach, and I keep shapeshifting, not at will. So I don't know what's going on,

but my internal system seems to be frazzled. Oh wow. Wait, can we start over? From the beginning of season one, well, if we must. Use it or how you doing. Yeah, you see how you doing, bud. I spent the last seven days up against the edge of the crystalline barrier

that seems to keep us all separated. And I just tapped on it in different places for seven days. I have yet to find a crack, but I will. Ooh, that's so cool that you're edging. Is it like a tink tink tink or a thud, that bud? More of a tink tink tink. Do you feel like the fact that like you're taking so long to get there is going to make it feel all the better when you finally do breakthrough. Yeah.

I do feel that way. I don't get that reference. But, sure. I probably didn't do it right. Yeah Arnie, I don't think you did edging right. Um, how are you doing? I know, I came too fast. How is the schoolhouse?

How are the beeps and chats? Are you still teaching? I gave up. You know, I gotta be honest with you. I haven't seen them in days, which is not a good sign. Like, because we're all trapped in the schoolhouse, so I don't know where they are. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm sure you were a great teacher. How were you, did you get your e-vals back? Oh, like my evaluations? Yeah, what did I say? E-vals? I... A so many words, I mean different things in this world. I didn't know if an eval was like a... like a consonant, but an evil one.

Yeah, eval is an evil vowel. Oh! A-E-I-O-U and sometimes Y. Oh, sometimes Y. Sometimes Y. I shall smite to the every why that converts to this vowel form, and someday vowels shall know their place as consonants. So yeah, your e-vals.

Chant, how has it been being a starfish? It, here's the thing. Good and bad. Oh, I guess. I guess. Yeah, I think I'm breathing through my butt Yeah, I definitely am but then also something cut me I don't know what cut me but something cut me and then my one of my hands kind of wriggled away and then grew into another Starfish so that's been wild. Oh, so are there two chants now?

Let's say yes. Bring the other chant on the mic! Okay, um, come here buddy. I don't know how old he is or like if he's gonna be representative of my personality in Gaines, but let's bring him on the mic here. Hello! I am a starfish. Uh, hello chant, I'm Yusudua. Hello, you are my friend now.

Yes, we are friends and having for a long time. It's a pleasure to meet you. It's a pleasure to meet you. You're clearly related because he talks just like you. Oh, really? Sorry, this is Chantigan. Hello? Chant, what are you going to do with this new you?

Is this... Uh, raise him? Huh. Okay, since I don't have Eggie Baby, I don't know where Eggie Baby is, and frankly, I'm a little worried about Eggie Baby, You, you, is this raise him? Huh. Okay. You know, since I don't have Aggie Baby, I don't know where Aggie Baby is, and frankly, I'm a little worried about Aggie Baby, but for now, I'm just gonna raise this duplicate of myself. Is that something you do on Earth? Yeah.

I guess when I think it almost seems like a clone thing to me, I don't know if you have clones in Fune. Describe them and I'll let you know. Well, it's sort of like an unnatural copy of yourself. And usually that in a story it leads to some kind of like battle for your identity. Like which one of you gets to be you? Let's see. Oh, we had that.

We had that with that. We had that with that. Uh, but usually one will eat the other one in utero. Oh, well don't do that. Well, we're out utero right now, so I couldn't possibly eat him. Plus I'm not hungry. Plus I breathe through my butthole, so that would be a whole journey. So you're not going to eat him out of your utero? Nope.

I mean, think about Jamie and Sammy. One of them should have destroyed the other. That might have made them one of them all right. Mm-hmm. That's true. Oh, and Yusudor, how much this week of you been breathing through your asshole? I'd say, uh, 30% of the time when I really get focused on tapping. Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.

Yusador, use some magic. Figure out a solution with magic, you're a wizard. That's it. Magic. I'll it. Magic. I'll be right back. For fucking weeks, he's just been using tapping. That's all he had to say was magic. I mean, that's usually how we solve all the problems, right?

Yeah. I mean, I think your theory is right. I think he's still losing it. Yeah. You know, without his mission to defeat the Dark Lord, I don't think he, you know, his mission to defeat the Dark Lord I don't think he you know can get any traction or Yes, ah yes now with my magic wand in my hand. I stand at the barrier This magic wand's going to tap right through here. Don't worry about it. This fucking edge lord. You know what? I'm sorry, I'm extra cranky,

I'm just hungry, like, I'm hungry too. Food is harder to come by right now. Why aren't you contraing your own food? I can't, too magic. Well here, look, literally, look. Whoa. A beautiful cake. Cake.

Oh, I'm not a huge fan of cake, but you know, some people like, I guess if you're in college, you might like cake. Oh. I'm not a huge fan of cake, but, you know, some people like, I guess if you're in college you might like cake. But Arnie, I haven't been eating a ton, either. You sure can you magic us some food or should we try some sort of service or something? Oh, well, I can magic food for myself here within this confined area, but I don't know how to get it to you. I'm sure there are other magical services, like GrubHub, the Grububs that bring you little bits of food through the ground, but it's mostly other bugs Yeah, we talked about some of these services last week. Oh, I you know

I've been sort of ruining with strangers a little bit usually gets weird But a few people recommended something maybe we should check out where you can get food through the room It's called Cron Appetite. Ooh, sounds fancy. I'd like that. Yeah, because nothing sounds more delicious in the word. Cron. I think it sounds quite good. I think about it. Crones cone bone. Ooh, bone.

Lone. You take out a loan to buy some food. All these things ride with food things. But I'll have to try take out a loan to buy some food. All these things ride with food things. But I'll have to take out a loan, I get hungry. Well, let's get some sort of spell to conjure them so we can get them on the line. They said just hit the rune three times. Hmm. One, two, three. Coronavirus!

Hello! We're trying, we want to order some food? Oh yes, hello! Three. Throne Appetite! Help! Hello! We're trying, we want to order some food? Oh yes, hello! Why are you saying nice you? This is Chrome Bakers. Yes, it is Chrome Bakers. What a wonderful surprise to be conjured by the likes of you.

I can't tell if she's being sarcastic. That's a problem for me. I guess you really figured me out, didn't you? Oh, that's nice, thank you. I guess I did. I guess you must have. I can't tell if she's happy or pissed off about that. Well, that's also an issue. A crow, we definitely want to order some food.

Can you hold on, folks? Just one quick second? Yes. And I'm a side room? Side room, side room. Which is definitely a thing we established last second. Yes. I'm a side room. Side room, side room. Which is definitely a thing we established last week. Right. Look. Do I know that you established it because I'm in the side room with you?

Should I... Oh shit, she doesn't. She's a fat girl. We need to establish it with our new guests, not just ourselves. Do you want me to plug my ears? Why don't you not... Don't plug your ears, but Arnie used it or what we'll do. Remember a few years ago when Arnie taught us hog Latin?

Yes, let's use that. Let's do that. That's a very good idea. This sounds like black magic, I don't approve, but go ahead. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I have a pig. I don't speak pig. I think if you're a pig, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think if you're doing something I can't understand, you don't have to do it gently and quietly and snufflingly.

You can really litter rift because I do not speak whatever language that is. Well I suppose I don't need to go into a side room really to do this. Uh, isn't that really braid-win the warrior of? Oh, that's right. That's right, braid-win. What the fuck in badass? Didn't you discover that Crone, Bakerus was actually braid-win the whole time? I know, but I remember by the end of the conversation, she started talking about how she liked being Crone and wanted to continue being Crone so far.

If that's who she wants to be, maybe we should let her be that. She has the agency to decide who she is. Chrome-Bakerus, will you bring us some food, please? I most certainly will, now. What are you in the mood for? And please, make sure it's sweet pastry-based. I don't want to give you the impression I can make a spenocopter or something like that. That is not on the table at all.

Well, why don't you go over some of your menu items? Are the things you think we would especially enjoy? Um, maybe. You, you, you have a rather tart attitude. Could I interest you in a lemon bar? Ooh, I would love a lemon bar. that sounds delicious. Okay, one lemon bar. Oh, something for me, something for me. Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood. You look like a cookie. So you're not a cookie, you want to eat a cookie. A cookie would be great.

Yeah, I'm not a cookie, I'm a star, fish. Yes, Crow, you've actually met this starfish before, but it probably looked like a badger when you met it. This is chun. Yes indeed. I do remember you. You're just the size and shape of an adorable crookie, so I didn't pick up on that. Now, are you going to eat through your butt hole? Oh, thank you for asking. I feel like nobody asked that anymore.

I am. It's going to inform what I suggest you have. Like now that I know this, I'm not gonna try to put like a biscotti at you. I'm gonna offer you crumble. Oh yeah, and I guess for now something lukewarm to cold. Alrighty, alrighty. Crumble it is. I'm fine burning my tongue, but the other way around, nothing. Your tongue burning you? Yeah, I guess I didn't phrase that properly. I guess that would be an nightmare my tongue burning me,

but I guess, sculpting my asshole is what I meant. The interior of my anus should not be sculpted. So take that into consideration. Okay. Are you suspiciously quiet? What would you like? All of it.

I'll eat all of it. And all of loaf. I heard you say all of loaf. Now, I don I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I will not be able to provide you an olive loaf what about like a quiche like a quiche with perhaps some cheese it's sort of savory but it's also a little sweet it's too savory I think I think you're the fact that you're trying to weasel that in and claim that that's something that's not savory is embarrassing to both of us.

What about if it's just very creamy and a creamy sort of sweet, isn't it? I'm trying to get us something savory here, Janet. I'm not going to dignify that with a response now. Ooh, what about potato chips? You know, for a bunch of people who haven't had access to a lot of food lately, you're suddenly making me feel unappreciated. And I'm starting to feel a little bit like you're having me on. No, no, no, we're not having you on, we're just nightmare personalities.

That's all. We're not having any idiots. There are enough boys. Now you must be very busy during... Yes, please. Oh, how busy am I? How busy am I? Business is a booming. Business is booming. It's been wonderful. I was concerned because for some

reason lately people have been making their own bread. Bread, bread, bread, making their bread, making their dough, gotta have yeast. Oh, there's a yeast shortage. All that I thought, oh, I'm going to be in terrible trouble because people are going to start baking their own pastries, but it turns out people can't imagine past the novelty of baking bread. They still crave things like brownies and croquies and crones, scones. I prefer fibricone. Scroons? Oh, yes, crones. Yes, I was over complicating it. And so I've been able to really capitalize on all of this.

And of course, as a crone, I have the ability to send things wherever I want, whenever I want. So I've been kind of cleaning up in the delivery realm as well. I've also killed many grubs. I don't care for grubs. So it's been pleasant to be able to eliminate the competition. That's a real kill toto-grub with one crone. It's just a commonly known and accepted thing about crones

that they can send food wherever people want it to be. Could so common it's tiresome to talk about, I always say. Crone is where the stomach is. Is that a thing? Crone is where the stomach is? Like, like home is where the heart is, but crone is where the stomach is? Is that a thing, or could it be a thing? I is where the stomach is. Like, like, home is where the heart is, but Chrome is where the stomach is. Is that a thing, or could it be a thing?

I'm willing to sell that IP if you wanna use that on your pamphlet, so you're... What does IP stand for? IP sounds for insane posse, but surely a missing a letter. I feel like you're clowning around now. You're just clowning around and I don't care for it.

What if we introduce Crohn's into this, like an insane crhn Posse? Ooh, I like that. Ooh, I used to have my insane Crown Posse. You remember that when I was at Badger King? Oh yeah. No. My expectation when I'm being promised a Posse of some kind

is that I would have followers that would have their own strange names. Their own strange inexplicable names. What would you call someone who is a fan of the insane cronoposy? Cronolos, chronological, crononics? Chronics! I heard Chronics! Oh, is that really because you said it? I like that very much. I'm very much looking forward to cultivating my own special group

of chronics. Now, everyone knows that Crohn's can make food appear to ever they wish, but I have to ask you, what are some things that we don't know about Crohn's? Well... Yeah, give us the arrow points. This is difficult for me because you know what this is like. When you say to me a relative stranger, Chrome-Bacross, what don't we know about Crohn's? That's like when someone recognizes someone and says, I've seen you in something. What was it?

And then you have to list off all the appearances you've ever made. You have to do all the legwork for them. I don't know. Yeah know what's that like. What you know about Crohn's. Well, I know they can make food appear wherever they want. I know often they're hunched over. I know that they have a great cackel. They're wizard, they're old.

I know that they often live in a shoe or a mushroom. What else? What else? What else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, what else, that is very offensive. And I wish that I had heard you write the first time, but I was filing a little hang mail that I had to give my full attention to. Now, I'm not insulted. You're a starfish. You're not unsalted? I'm not, now I'm not unsalted.

Because we do perspire as many other creatures do. I excrete a type of salt that truth be told. I've been known to use a pinch of it in my cookies. People tend to like their cookies saltier than they realize. And that's when they say a crone puts their blood sweat in tears into their recipes. That's what you mean, right? Yes, it is.

Yes, I do put blood and tears into it as well. Gross. Wow, that's so sad. So judgmental, why has everyone been so judgmental of our guests this week? I want to get to know, Chrome Baker is better in than the first time she was on. I happen to think that she's at a light and I want to know more about her and we shall find out I shall dig in and I shall learn about you're in a life-crown Bakers that is a threat Clearly it also sounded like it was a break to commercial. Is it? I guess so. Yeah, let's make it one. We'll be right back with more

Chrono Bactress I guess so! Let's make a one. We'll be right back with more Corona Bacterists. Alright, so we're back from the break. And I'm really torn between really just trying to get my food order in because I'm very hungry. But also, you know, Corona's been a long time. I really do want to catch up on what you've been up to. Well, I feel like you're leaning into the latter thing, because to be honest with you, I don't think you've done Jack squat to tell me what it is that you want to have.

All I know is I thought you ordered an olive loaf, turned out I was dead wrong about that, and we never even resolved that. I don't know what it is that you're craving as long as it's sweet. I guess I'll have a... Hmm, go ahead. I'll have a cruffin. Okay, a cruffin, yes. Would you like can berries in that?

Can berries? Mm-hmm. I guess I'm unfamiliar with what are can berries? Well, we're in a little bit of an awkward time right now where the fruit pickers can't get out there. So we're gonna have, we're having to use can berries instead of other fresh berries. Oh so they're from a can. Yeah the can berries.

They're still good. It's sort of like jah meat. Yeah you have a durmete. You've had jah meat, honey. Meat from a jar? You solved the mystery. It's so hard talking to a mental giants like you, Arnie. I'm just realizing most of the questions I ask don't need to be spoken.

Amen. Isn't that you're having a spiritual conversation with your higher power? Exactly. How beautiful. Now, I was hoping that I could also with my order get a loaf of criss-crispy. Yes, criss-crispy. No problem at all. Oh, wonderful. Wow, can I get some Christ-crispies?

Excuse me. Is a Christ-crispy bar? Christ-crispies. Oh, no, sorry, I misspoke. A Christ-crispy car? Oh, a Christ-crispy car. Who are? I'm actually, this won't surprise you at all because it's such a catchy name. I'm totally sold out Can't tell she's being sarcastic again. You can't just transubstantiate some of those Christ crispy cars

What do I look like to you? No, what are all crown? I can't transubstantiate That's crazy I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown.

I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown.

I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't be a little crown. I can't into a cranberry. Got it. Yes. That's a skill in very high demand.

It's shocking how much people prefer cranberries to other good fruits. Crone, you're so busy now. How do you unwind during this time? How do you relax? Well, I don't. I haven't had any time to relax. It's been busier than ever.

Frankly, I've stopped sleeping. I find myself baking and baking and baking all through the day, whereas of course, I used to sleep during the day. And I don't even, I mean, the frequent water ceilings that I would be pausing by baking for have slowed to a near stop. I'm actually, and this is something that I never thought I would say because I do feel the shame of all crones upon me.

I'm just drinking my own water. It's so gross. Ugh, hold on, your pee. No. My own water. She's not stealing her water anymore. I'm not stealing it. I'm not stealing it. I'm not stealing it.

No, I don't, I don't use euphemisms. If someone says they're going to go make water, I'm not going to think that they're going to urinate. That's just not the same thing at all. And I don't even know where that phrase came from. I, it's, it's extremely confusing. And a lot of people probably got very ill because of it. See, that's where we're different because I assume everything is a euphemism.

I thought you were going to say you assume everything is urine. Yeah, I know what you mean. Now, have you ever thought about taking the water that you have, placing it somewhere just outside of your bakery or outside of your kitchen, and then, and then stealing it back from yourself when you least suspect it.

Interesting. So you're suggesting I'm almost crone substantiating my own water into stolen water. What wonderful alchemy is this? Yes, it's an alchemy of the mind where you fool your brain into believing that you've given this water away or donated it someplace. And then, when the water least suspects it, sneak upon it and take a delicious drink. Oh, I'd also recommend, Cron, if you have the capabilities, buy it off one of your arms, let it regenerate into a clone of you, and have that steal the water from you and then steal it back. Which one of you was talking to be right now? The OG or the clone?

This is the clone G. You sound very similar. Very similar. So the two of you are sort of an insane clone posse? Oh yes, were they insane clone posse? Each of one of us took one of those letters. Yes, even tell. I could tell. I could tell you are trading off one word at a time I think he said one letter at a time which I find very interesting. I don't even know how you pull that off syllable to syllable consonant to consonant Ha-oh do eat poit off Oh e vowels

Amazing you are going to do very very poorly poorly in your e-vowels. I have to say, if you two continue to trade off like that. Here, this is OG Chantel just take over the mic. Chrome, I do have to ask. You said that you never sleep anymore. Yes. How do you wake and bake anymore? Are you just always baking?

I'm always waking and I'm always baking because if you never sleep there's a feeling of being on the threshold of both sleep and wickedness at all times. So in some ways it's as if the universe is being born to you over and over and over again. So I have a real sense of wonder about things. And also things become way more interesting when you haven't slept very much. Like for instance, did you know that you have a nose? I have a nose. Oh yes, not you.

Oh yeah, I don't. You definitely don't have one. People in general though, tend to have noses. But have you ever really thought about it? Huh. Isn't wonderful and strange. Yeah, this protr. But have you ever really thought about it? Huh. Isn't wonderful and strange. Yeah, this protrusion on your face with two up to two holes.

They sucks in air and releases carbon dioxide. It is pretty wonderful. Yeah. I love that you said that as if you were selling the second hole as an add-on. Well, for sure. Well, for sure. You get up to two holes. How much would that be? What would it take for you to walk out here with a second home? Now, I have to talk to my manager. Oh,

we have a good time, don't we? And I'll tell you why. Sleep deprivation. Things are indubitably funnier. So, yes. Oh, sorry, what are we going to say? I was going to say that my pastries taste better. I'm part of that, I think, is that I'm finding that I'm putting less tears in and more blood and sweat. And I think people can taste the difference. Do you, speaking of tears, do tears make you, make you want to, you know, rediscover that?

Is there anything, what am I trying to say? Is there something with tears if you're waking and picking, you know, like the nose thing, tears, do something with that. Oh, oh, I see. It's like face rain, right? What else? Sure, tears are like face rain. I think maybe one of the problems that you're having is that you're feeling a

Little inadequate because as far as I can tell you just have a butthole, Mr And sure you have five arms, I guess But aren't you maybe feeling a little inadequate and and feeling a little bit like You don't have what it takes. And so when you start teasing me about my tears, isn't it really more about your fears? Yeah, I guess I'm just projecting tears. So if you trade off to tears for fears, I think you'll realize that you need to take a good look in the mirror. And though you may run out of salty tears to put into your cookies,

you can still bake tears of a cake and create a delicious monument that travels high into the sky, high enough to perhaps break through this very barrier we find ourselves trapped in. If you bake a cake tall enough chrome, begrous It will begin to tap tap tap tap the top of the area that we were stuck in What is it with? You should or in cake today. I don't know I have to say I don't know why you think I would want to disrupt this Amazing rush of great business all of this has brought me. Now, I had, I certainly am not responsible for the barrier, but a lady is going to clean up in the money department if nobody can get out and everybody likes pastry.

My purpose is to exploit this situation, provide delicious baked goods for people, yours clearly is to become obsessed with breaking through to the other side with or without doors and I wish you the best. How could I break on through to the other side without the doors? Apparently by tapping. Can I ask, Bakeris, is it safe for you to be operating all this baking equipment on such little sleep.

I see where you're going with this. And the answer is yes, it's extraordinarily dangerous. But again, I think people can taste the risk in the treat. I think it makes people feel like, oh, I'm eating this blondie. Why do I feel like there's a chance the universe could collapse in on me. That makes us taste even better. It could be my last bite. When you have that baked right into the recipe, vis-à-vis me being a risk to myself and everyone around me because I'm not sleeping enough and I'm operating machinery. I don't know how much I've gone into the heavy machinery that goes into baking but there's

two to three steam rollers. Steam rollers. No, yes, I've had to bake the cronkeys in very large batches so it's just like a giant rolling pin. And you're achy, brachy hearth? I don't appreciate that coming from you. I didn't appreciate it. I didn't enjoy saying it. No, no one really did. You and I are not getting along. I think it's probably all right. Everyone knows that danger is delicious,

and it sounds like you've got the temperature on your oven, set to 420 all the time. So I think everyone's going to be just fine. I've just thought people have a good time while they're in here for who knows how long separated from their loved ones. I just want everyone and I know it sounds like I'm now listing off the reasons they shouldn't feel good but I'm just stating the facts. And then if they want to, I don't know, eat their feelings with pastries, I'm right there

to provide them. Look, you're a baker and you're just providing people a small good thing when they need it. It's just a small good thing. That's all I've ever wanted to bring. Mm-hmm. And you have. And I have to say, we should all give ourselves over to the pastries. I mean, the shattering is obviously affecting us all. And I fird people say there's going to be a shattering 17 where we all put on 17 pounds. Let's lean into it. Let's have some fun. Crone, can I do a quick side room with you?

Oh, with me! Oh, yes. I'm so flattered. I'd love to. I just for a moment. What do I do? Do I step to the side? Just tap my image. Tap my image. Uh-huh. Here I go.

Now we should be in a room by ourselves. Just tap my image. Tap my image. Uh-huh. Here I go. Now we should be in a room by ourselves. Can you make sure that Arnie gets enough to eat? I'm very worried about him. And he doesn't always take the best care of himself. He doesn't know how to cook very well. And often on the road, I would prepare meals that he would enjoy. Oh, that he would eat.

I don't know that he would enjoy them. I'm very concerned about him, and I can't reach him to give him the help I would normally give him. Well first of all I want to congratulate you for being so thoughtful and for being so tuned in to your smelly friend, I assume he's smelly if he's not taking care of himself. I do want to appease you, I want you to be reassured that I am going to, you know what, I'm going to break my own rule. I'm going to offer something savory. Now I remember when I thought Arnie said he wanted an olive loaf and he protested so hard, I think he even said that's the one thing I don't want, which we all know means it's the one thing he does. Yes.

So I'm going to make him 50 olive loaves. That's wonderful. I'm gonna manifest them right now. I don't care if he has room for them where he is. He may have to eat his way to safety and or to just wherever the air pockets remain after I have delivered and conjured those many loaves of bread. But he is going to be one happy guy. Thank you, Crone. And send me the bill. No, you can

be sure I will. Let's join everyone else. Oh God. There's so many olive loaves or loaves. I love you too! It's like staves. Arnie, let's see you enjoy one. Eat one, buddy. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat! This is what friends do, right? They tell each other that they should eat. That's right! It's a cheerleader type chant.

How is it Arnie? Be honest. Be honest in how much you do love it. But I love it. It's disgusting, but I love it. And also honestly, I'm going to probably eat all of these, even though I don't like you all welcome. And Kronin, you said where I had to and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and you changed back into a more familiar form,

there would just be two of you hanging around, and that would never do. And it would be quite unseemly for a badger to eat another badger, but for a starfish to bow another starfish, I think you're good. You didn't see it, you said, or it was crazy. It's weird to inhale my clone for my butthole. That's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say, but here we are. Well, I can do it too,, I'll just cut off my finger. Oh, why?

And it'll turn into a little Yusadar. Okay. No. Where are you putting that? No. Now I'll just have to power it, and it'll just be popped of me again. Ah!

Ah! Mm. Mm. Mm. Well, your finger didn't grow back. Not yet. Oh, there it is, and it's a little Yusidar. Hello.

Oh, you fingered yourself. What I say. What I say. Nothing, Krohn. You're right. I fingered myself. This is so...you know what's fun is being with other magical creatures. Isn't it?

I sometimes I feel like I get stuck with like a bunch of bummers. People who don't have the same kind of beautiful and wonderful powers that some of you have. More, yeah, I don't have any. Yes, when I said some of you, I thought I was being very pointed in your direction, that you do not have them. Yeah, I am the bummer. Yeah, Crone tell me about it. Often I am doing amazing magical feats, like tapping on a barrier or transforming mine self into a stick. Or something else quite incredible, transforming myself into an eagle or a cake. Like twice a season, he does something cool with his magic.

And the rest of the time it's just like tapping and I'm a stick now That's your fault for making these damn seasons so long Arnie want you to do the other day Arnie was he was a little embarrassed so be everyone be polite Arnie was showing me a magic trick. He's been working on Arnie do you want to do that magic trick? I think it started with you asking me to pick a carb Okay pick a carb any carb Okay, I'm gonna started with you asking me to pick a carb. Okay, pick a carb, any carb. Okay, I'm gonna go with red. Okay, now I will eat it.

I'm eating some olive oil. And I will convert that into energy over time. And eventually what I don't use in my body, I will excrete out as waste. But here's where it gets even better. That waste will eventually be broken down by organisms that will feed off of that and it's the circle of life. Ta-da!

Wow, very good. Very impressive. And we're all asleep. What did I miss? Oh, I finally got some shut-eye. Oh my goodness! Oh, I've been so tired! Oh, nothing could have bored me enough to put me to sleep!

And finally, some... what a wonderful trick! Well done, Aani. Arnie, that really was magical. You put coronavirus to sleep. That's impressive. Huh? Well, I'm sad for me, but happy for you. I am so impressed! You know, you must have been such a bore for me to fall asleep. And I tell you, I was dreaming. I had a wonderful dream about a beautiful elf

with terrific set of braids. Just out there doing her thing. I mean, I don't know. I just, I feel so refreshed. I really do. I kind of feel like braidewen has completely lost her sense of self and just totally is Chrome Bakers now. Are you talking to that loaf of bread?

Yeah, bread. What do you think about this? I agree. What do you think about this finger? I agree too. What do you think about this?? I agree too. What do you think about this? Consume clone. I agree too.

What do you think about this, Bradwin? Can we not do this right now? I'm sorry. Are we not doing this right now? I don't remember the green tooth. Okay, well, I guess we're all in agreement then. We're all having a psychotic break. That's righty.

Cron, that person you were just talking to, can you put them back on the room? What person? Arnie? You can talk to them yourself, just reach out to them, he's not that obsessed with Fred. You were just talking to someone else and I know them from somewhere, where do I know them from? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Can't they do the work in Listoff, where I I know them from? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Can't they do the work in Listoff, where I might know them from? Okay, you might have seen her in my dream. That was her last best known appearance. That's what it was. Chant Ani, we have to be very careful here. We've Judd, Crone, Baker Bakers and she's jarred and she can't let go of this character, you know a jarred let go Well, you know that it's a really dangerous situation for someone who's performing another character to really lose them and Themselves in it, you know like a jarred lettoward. You don't want bother her, but she might go crazy and do some really wild shit. Oof.

It looked like it was a long way to go. Worth it. We've gone further. Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, I just, I think I dozed off for another moment there. I'm so tired. I-

Magic. Thank you. I guess that what what you were you were exclaiming that so that I would then give you the credit I assume. Yes of course. Well I'm glad that you're getting a little bit of rest. It seems like it's got to be healthy and you know and this is very true. Numerous people have told me that they listened to this podcast to help them fall asleep. How wonderful! Have you considered speaking in more of a whisper while you really get closer to your microphone and then just sort of make a soft

series of clicking sound with you? I have. I also wondered if now this point close to the end of the episode we should use this power for evil. Asmere. Let's do some asmere already. Asmere. This is what it sounds like when you do asmere. Okay, wait a minute. I'm just going to slice this angel food cake near the microphone.

Maybe you're asleep right now, or maybe you're not. Is this an episode, or is your brain doing this? Listen to the sound of my asshole breathing. If people are really listening, just to fall asleep, why do we try to have a bloop? We don't. Maybe you're dying. Just think about that. Is it possible you're dying right now? Probably not, but maybe.

Arnie, let's start the episode over. What? Oh, from here? Wait, what are you saying? And if you are? Oh, I was going to say that there isn't a more adorable way to come to terms with your own mortality. Then through this particular group of storytellers. Just eat some carbs!

My takeaway from this episode is when Arnie eats, he goes amp, amp, amp, amp, like an animated pile driver with a face. Use it all the wizard was played by Mat Young. Chant the starfish was played by Ayrothi. If you need your dialogue interrupt, did I know just the guy? Crone Bakerist, the Crone with a Bakery, was played by special guest Janet Varney. Visit fortunerookie.org for her streaming IFC mini-sodes with Fred Armasen, Lorraine Newman, James Rode and more. Check out her podcast, The JV Club, available in whatever puddle-strune back alley you find your podcasts.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Chris Rathjinn. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. And don't forget, happy for you, sad for me, the Arne Neacamp story,

will be on shelves just in time for it to be taken back off of shelves.