Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 43 - Evil Couple (w/ Moujan Zolfaghari and Seth Lind from 'Mission to Zyxx')

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

An evil couple talk about their relationship problems while trapped together in their cave.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungVonquestra: Moujan ZolfaghariTelimpia: Seth LindMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Greetings, audio venturers!

Another fake episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern. Shout her addition. Wear, like that first group dinner with your fiance's family who post a few too many angel-centric family circus cartoons. Everyone is at arm's length. But let's remember, during this trying time, quote unquote, human connection is more important than ever. Of course, no question.

Also, it's a great opportunity to sift through that social circle and, you know, toss the stragglers. That guy who won't stop recommending books when you've made it clear you hate literature. The lady who puts her dog on the phone, just a few zoom technical difficulties and they're gone. Something to think about, and when you're enjoying that extra hour of free time in the future, well, throw a smile my way. A quick heads up.

Lost in Foon, recordings of magic tavern live shows from earlier this year, the normal part, are currently appearing on Stitcher Premium every week. Old favorites make appearances, including Honk The Assassin and Melchior, the keeper of the Doomhorn that plays at the end of the world. A few episodes are already out with more on the way. Check it out only on Stitcher Premium. After this episode I'll have a short clip for those of you who think I'm lying. When will the walls come down? For now, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host, Arnie Neckamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is, loses in everything you need to know, but it's good enough. Oh, several years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift,

and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week, chronicling our quest to defeat the dark lord. Oh, but plot twist, there's been a weird like whatever you wanna call, earthquake, earthquake, and everyone in fune is trapped in different sort of shards of land. I am remote from my buddies, and you know, it's stressful and it's made me make the intro to the episode longer, but luckily we are using a magical technology called Roon to communicate with each other and still do the podcast.

You know, podcasts find its way. I am joined as always by my buddy. He's a shape shifter. What formula he be this week. Chant the shape shifter. Oh yeah, baby. How you doing? I'm doing. Okay, how you doing, but I'm doing alright. Can you turn the visual aspect of your Roon on? I like something weird has been going on. You've been changing every week. Yeah, it's been pretty intense. I don't want to freak you out,

so I'm gonna leave the visual off for now, because I don't want to scare you. I just did backtrack slightly. Can I ask you something, Arnie? On earth, when somebody says, how you doing bud, does anybody ever say anything other than, I'm okay. You know what?

I think that like, under special circumstances, people just start, it starts to pile up a little bit and people start to actually be answered honestly. Like not to the full extent. Like people aren't, they don't like give all the info, but people are kind of like, ah, not great. You once told me, forget his name.

You had an earth hero. What was his name? His name, Jay Leno, and you said he was the best in the biz, and you said he would always say, how's it going? Is that where you get that from? Exactly, absolutely. As a tribute to Jay Leno.

Jalano. Jalano. Jalano. Jalano. Jalano. Jalano. Jalano. Jalano.

Jalano. Jalano. Jalano. What? No, I'm a moon. I'm a crescent moon. Oh my, you look like Jay Leno. What? No, I'm a moon. I'm a crescent moon. Oh, okay. How did you change into a moon? You tell me, buddy. I don't know. But it's weird because it's daytime over here

and I feel wildly out of place. Yeah. Holy cow. Are you sure this isn't just like a fake ruined background? That's really you're really a moon? I'm really a moon as far as I can tell. Well you know what? I think my other co-host maybe he'll understand it. I'm also joined by Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Minipulite of magical delights. Devour of chaos! Devour of the great halls of Trockus,

the elves know me as Fying Alec, the dwarves know me as shown in Inhoog Stangies, and I am known in the northeast as Gasminius Mastar, and there may be other secret names, who names that if uttered aloud would reunite this world into one. Oh, let's say those names. Yeah, I have their secrets I can't do it. I'm sorry. I wish I could, I wish, I wish, I could. But, uh, legally, my answer tied.

You have told us literally hundreds of your secret names. Yes, really? But you won't tell us the one that will resolve this, this big problem. Can, can I tell you a secret? Secret name? It's not the name. Can I tell you a secret if it's not the name? Fine. I don't even know it.

Oh. Oh, man, I love it. Think about that for a second. Also, can we back up for a second, Arnold? I have a, but so much to pick with the, the outed say the podcast finds a way, which I think was on reference

to the film that you reenacted for us, the Jurassic Park, where you said that the end they said life finds a way. And I think you're trying to remind me that you think I'm related to crafter because dinosaurs is birds. I am not related to crafter that weird dinosaur we met on Strong Guy Island. So stop bringing it up. That's right. A lot of a lot of things have changed a lot of craziness has happened But we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that we kind of suspect your older brother is a raptor with crapping power is called Crapdoor

Absolutely not. I also Arnie I refuse to believe when you reenacted that movie I I refuse to believe that anyone in the world, not even just on Earth, anyone anywhere, would ever say the words dino DNA the way you said them. How'd it go again? Dino DNA? Nobody talks like that. Look, I'll act it out again, but it takes me a long time to prep being sexy gold bloom, but I can do it.

Well, I don't need to see another reenactment of the Jurassic Park, but I do desperately wish to find a way to get out of the shattering. Yeah, since this earthquake did place us all in these magical, mystical prisons, I have done not, but conduct magical tests to see if I can find a way out. I've conducted upwards of three tests. It's been like a month. You've done three tests? Yes, yes, we need more testing.

I imagine tomorrow I'll do four. Like, what have you figured out? Well, a couple weeks ago, you heard me going tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, on the edge, where I couldn't get through. It's mostly just more of that. Huh. And sorry to backtrack a little bit here, Arnie. We don't want you backtrack.

We don't want you to reenact any other movies, but maybe, would you mind briefly like reenacting one of the wars on your Earth? Reenact an entire war? Yeah, just like, you know, boil it down to 30 seconds. Should I reenact it from the point of view of the winner or the one that's weirdly too invested even though they lost? Oh boy, um, can you channel both? I got to be honest with you. I have next to no sense of history So I just don't know that I could do it, but you know, I do you mind if I backtrack it on to you and

How would you reenact some of the wars of food? I know almost nothing. Sorry, Arnie, I didn't quite catch what you're saying. I do wanna say I've been doing some tests, I've been playing around the rune, and I created this new thing that I'm calling Chant Rune Lett, which is where I can kind of peek in on anyone in food.

I've seen a lot of people masturbating, but I just happened to find. You don't have to get on Roon to do that. I just came upon two people here who I thought to bring onto the show, so let me just bring them into the Roon here, kind of connect that and... Kablam, here we go, hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Thank you too so much for agreeing to come into our room meeting here. What were your names? Do you want to introduce yourselves, please? Well, I am Vonquistra. And this is my husband. You can name yourself.

I can name... No, Vonquistra, my parents obviously already named me. Tillimpia. Tillimpia. Tillimpia. That's the name. There you go. Hello. Oh, I'm so sorry.

When you say Tillimpia the Dark, should I refer to you as Tillimpia or Tillimpia the Dark? Yes. I usually refer to Tillimpia as Seabass. Jolayan Seabass, but... That's all. It's what obviously is my full-given name. We talked about that on Chantroulette.

Mm-hmm. And so let's... I'm so sorry. V-V-V-V-V-V-K-E-S-T-R. I used to be a Vonk-E-S-T-R blood. But now I'm Vonk-E-S-T-R of the darkness. Well, it is, you know, normal when you get married. Oh, so when you get married, you take on your spouse's darkness. Yes. Yes That's why if you believe it all the lights in art cavern are on yet it is so dark It is so dark. I can kind of only barely make out the shapes of you. It's sort of look. This is gonna sound crazy

And please correct me if I'm wrong. You kind of look like Standing skinny dogs. Oh, yes. Oh, yes notice. Thank you. Goodness your eyesight is great. That is a compliment Wow for once I just nailed it. Well done. Welcome to the both It is a great honor to have you here with us such two Sfilth and Majestical such as the... I must ask the... you seem very powerful and very wise. Oh, you're here. And master of light and shadow.

So darkness does not scare me, though evil does. Will you join mine quest to destroy all evil in food? Awkward What is that happen? Living inside deep evil in our souls Oh, I'm so sorry Well, that's a shame We didn't know you were living inside deep evil inside your souls

No, it's something we love to do or hate to do rather. Yes, we hate to love to do it. Bad dogs sit, maybe can't tell we are sitting. Oh, okay, then thank you, it worked. Now normally, if there was an evil guest on the podcast, I would challenge them to a duel and destroy them with my great wizardly power, but since we are all separated by the shattering, I fear I cannot challenge thee today, so I will learn about thee, and I will destroy you in the future. If not for the Earthquake, how I'm so glad I got that right, Earthquake.

We would have swallowed your lightness, but now, yes, we will talk. Honestly, since the Earthquake, things have been a little hard for us. Oh. Because every day we used to go out and do evil to all of the innocent. Who knows? Say a night bringing horror and darkness to everyone we touch. It was wonderful. But now we'll just stuck with each other in this very cramped studio.

It's wonderful to have the opportunity to really bond, you really, really get to know somebody you thought you knew well. So in your cave is one just one room? Yes. We thought it was hip, it's sort of a loft. We believe the studios where you sleep, but the outside is where you live. Uh-oh! Now it's both, so.

Now it's both. So you're like evil extrovert types. This is what I'm kind of divided. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of parties. We love to mingle, love to network. I'm kind of like introvert neutral myself for maybe like introvert even Yeah, chaotic party now I must know

Do have you done evil acts that are well known throughout food are you? infamous Throught phone are you infamous? Perhaps you heard the time the dragon swallowed lightning. Oh no. All the time the ground flipped over. I feel like I would have heard about that. Our PR team slept during that one but you should have not. These are despicable foul acts. Those were you the whole time.

Yes, now we do our laugh. Yes, yes, yes. Can you laugh a little slower? Okay, sorry. No, you... Can I say something? I'm not a PR guy, but I do want to say that just the deed of, did you hear when the dragon swallowed lightning?

Yes. It doesn't have a lot of details to it. I mean, the dragon? Oh, it was Nepathelis. Nepathelis. If you said, did you hear when Nepathelis the great swallowed lightning, that would have gotten out into the press. That would have been heard around the realm.

No. Chunch, that makes a lot of sense. And honestly, if you add those specifics to it, but also if you encapsulate it in a way of like, do you ever hear of the great dragon swallow? You need like a snappier name for it. And then, yes, yes. You get into the details.

And also, can I be honest? Chant, I think you probably agree with me on this, but. Okay. How did you feel about that last? Felt a little uncoordinated? Felt a little uncoordinated? Felt a little forced? Let's just try again.

Let's just try again. Try again. And I'm a little pissed. The laughter never reached your eyes. I don't know if that's typical. Is that normal for eagles? No, we shit should have. You're right.

It was bad. It's, I mean, vanquistra apologizes. I would love to see the laughter reach her eyes because your eyes are terrifying. Thank you. Normal skinny dog evil eyes. See, there you go, specificity. Skinny dog evil eyes.

I will never forget that for the rest of my fucking life. Yeah, that was upsetting. It must reach your eyes. All your eyes must remain completely dead for there's something very unsettling It must reach your eyes. All your eyes must remain completely dead. For there's something very unsettling about laughing without your eyes. We will try again, but we cannot just laugh with it. Yes. Inspiration.

Right. Oh, here I shall inspire you. Eh, damn you evil doers. I shall destroy you one day. Don't do that. Duff. Don't. Oh, but I will. And I'd like to see you try to stop me.

I'll about if we... I lost a kiss. I just, you know, I... Here's the deal. We were playing a board game right before you call us and you know, I don't like to lose and I was losing. What was the board game? The Amwood board game. Um... Little Kitty Kitty. Yes. Oh, I love little Kitty Kitty.

It's really fun. You battle to see whose kitty can get ever smaller in discipling down into the milk bowl. Yes, it's a terrifying journey to the center of the milk bowl. You two are just drowning, Ken. Yes? Yes. Look, we've spent the first 30 days, okay, in this studio doing all the evil things we

know how to do inside. Right. And then we've ran out of ideas. Now we are making it up, but there's doesn't have the same evilness to it, you know. Funkistra's voice is obviously so buttery. They're so smooth, so perfect, so beautiful. But a little is that's too great on me. Oh, Funkistra, I'm sorry to say that.

It's a I understand. Sometimes, you like to take calls in the bathroom. Yes. Well, you take a crystal into the bathtub with you? Yes, I'd sort of pretend to have, you know, privacy, even though obviously I'll turn the, the room here. It's, uh, the tub is right here next to us. So it's not exactly far.

Wow, yeah. It seems like all of the bathroom facilities are right in the middle of the room. So I'm splashing around in the blood. Obviously, trying to get my all of the cleanness off and covering blood. Which is fine if the call was five or ten minutes. But they're hours long. I have to use it too.

Sure. And you know, I feel like how long into a relationship do you feel comfortable enough to bathe in blood in front of your partner? About them. Two weeks. Two weeks. That seems fast to me. But what do I know? I'm not evil. Yes, very. We'll realize we were meant to be together.

Ha ha ha. You act, you act. Ha ha ha. Oh, this, it didn't even come to my mouth that bluff. Not let alone my dark eyes. OK, all right. Let Chant, you want to help them take that again? Yeah, so, boy, you two are so evil.

How do you mean, Ari? But that's not what I do. Well, let's play the game. Hold on. So let's do this. Yes. That's doing this. Oh, yeah. Do you mind plugging your ears? Your ears are forward. So I can tell that you're I will dunk into the blood. Okay. Thank you. So don't go into the blood. blood. Okay. Oh, thank you. So, Doug, into the blood. I had his mouth submerged in the black. Okay. So, her head submerged. So, tolapia, what I want to say is you're going to fill in the blank. To limp. Yeah. To limp. The limpia. So, uh, uh, so, memorizing it. So, fill in the blank. You two are so evil that when you see someone trying

to do good, you blank. Sive. Sive. Okay. Did you hear what I said? When you see someone trying to do good, you blink. Sive. Sive. Okay, did you hear what I said? When you see someone trying to do good, you sive, you want to go with that? Yes, we'll see. Okay, great. Sive's a verb.

So bring her head back up. We're going to ask you to. That was great. Oh, mouth is so... Never. So, Vanky said... Yes. We asked your partner a question. Now we're going to ask it to you.

How do you think he filled it in? You two are so evil. When you saw someone trying to do good, you blinked. Yeah. Put them into the garden. Okay, let's see. We'll be fair. We use the side in the garden.

What did you say? Sive. Oh, yeah. So I'm did you say? Sive. Oh So I'm afraid you two don't win. You're not evil and maybe we should let them try it the opposite way But jeez truck and you dunk Olympia the do caucus into Head first Skinny dog legs up in the air. Here. Oh gosh, I don't know if I have a question. Hey, here's one.

You know what? You would say that being evil makes you think of. Etrocities. Worldwide. Worldwide atrocities. Okay, I realized I wasn't about your relationship that much, but still, maybe you'll have a sort of a bond on that one. It is evil, though.

Yeah, absolutely. I guess, you know, um, Olympia's not moving. Is he? So, how are you doing all of a sudden? Wow, she's a good interviewer. From the school of Jai Lai No. Shouldn't you let Olympia up? They're fine. They're very fine.

You sure? Just pull them up to pull them up. Where is pausing? Keeps like tapping you really hard on the arm. But as tail is wagging. They're thanking me. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yes. Oh It's nice and quiet. Oh, I'm so glad. I mean he's clearly evil, but this seems like a trail Oh, he can still talk it seems Arnie asked him the question John. I forgot what my question was oh my gosh Evil makes you think of blank, was that what it was? Evil, yeah, that's right.

How can I forget such a brilliant question? Okay, so to lock you, Evil makes you think of blank. What do you think your partner answered? Oh, he's getting darted. Damn it. Bringing them up. I'm afraid what we're looking for was atrocities worldwide. Well, that's why it's part of our vows.

You know that. Oh, I'm not goodness. Well, can I ask all of you a question? Yes, please. Let's say, hypothetically, you are hermetically sealing the cave with the love of your life after the year's quick Ernie, I don't know if you know what hermetically means. It's if someone's a hermit And they don't want to go out into the outside world. They'll seal the stone in front of their cave. Oh, okay Hermit is a large crab believes in a cave

So if you were there and you're love of your life who's so deeply wonderfully evil Stopped wearing their wedding ring. Oh, how would that make you feel? I guess if I was evil I'd be thrilled because that's the right thing today, right? Exactly being evil's like opposite day, right, but she has kept it on. Oh How could she she has kept it on. Oh, how could she? She started wearing it. Well, I must admit, the two of you... It's quite vexing.

Usually I just smite evil people and I don't worry about how they cohabitate or relate to one another. And now I find them quite vex For I want to help you I help you become better, but but your version of being better is evil What have you done to me? Oh, damn your evil ways and two of them laugh together Okay, sorry, maybe laughter isn't your thing. Oh yes, it is. So, can't go on laughter. Yes, no. Right.

Maybe short little screens, would that be easier to do? Now that I think about it in a deeper way, why do evil laugh? Laughter is joy. Yeah. I, because usually we laugh at the bad thing that happened. Yes, yes. Yes, what is evil about it is the perversion of laughter and taking joy at the distraughts and anguish of others. No, but all we've been doing is baking and communicating very well. How much rotten dough bread can one couple me? The answer is yet to be known.

Look, you're turning the room to this corner. Look at that pile of rotten bread. Oh, what's the need for that? Good job. Thank you. We need the validation. Vanquister, will you dunk yourself for one second? Of course, anything for you!

Okay, quick! There's a lot of blood all over the place. Thank you. A quick question for the three of you. Okay. I like that all your questions are for the three of us. So, a weird, flashy guy, a wizard, and a moon? Wait, I'm the weird one. Yes, look at you. Are any of you a divorce lawyer?

No. Okay, come back up on question. Wait, I didn't get to answer. Oh, you were still thinking, funky strap back. Just once, okay fine. Are any of us a divorced lawyer? No, divorce, divorce, no D.

Divorce lawyer? Okay. Are any of us an divorce lawyer? You know what, for school they're a funky strap. Wait, I still didn't get to answer. That's your last judge, Hans, wizard, dude. Why would you need a divorce lawyer? What? I've got a obvious jobI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I Think I've ever heard. Should we renew our disavow?

I think so. Wow, their tails are wagging like crazy. I hope this would be good. Say it again. I disavow all goodness in your name. I disavow. Being there when you are sick. Yes.

Being there when you are not sick. Yes. Being there when you are not sick. Yes. Being there when you are asleep. Yes, I am there only for the bad time. It's hard to backtrack. I'm so confused in terms of, so again, we know what good people do. We know what good people say.

And like, when you're evil, is it better to be, are you looking for being unhappily married or happily divorced? What's the sweet spot? Because it seems like you guys want to get divorced and there's some disavow's going on, is the correct answer unhappily divorced? I think we're all just kind of muddling our way through.

It's a really new norma. You were trying to figure it out to be honest. This is why I always advocate for good, because good is very clear. You want to be happy. You want to make other things better. It's all very clear. Evil is confusing. That's the thing. I don't like about it. When I got up this morning, I did not expect to see two wino whiners covered in blood, disavowing their marriage bonds to one another. But here I'm looking at it and I'm just upset. Right, but think of it this way. This is a crazy question, but have you ever met Crapdoor?

Oh, Crapdoor, we have met Crapdoor. Crapdoor. Von Kieshtor, would you like to tell them about the time we had Crapdoor over? Oh, good. He really helps answer your question about how lame good stuff is Yves Adore. Wow. Can I just say something I noticed,

and this is kind of amazing. Tloppy, a brought up Crapdoor, but then he put it on Von Kiesht, that's a talk about it. That That's it. Yes, that was very It's called gifty. You're right, chunt That is evil. Did you want to reenact that word? To be very honest with you. I don't remember Okay, oh evil. That's is very evil You know isn't that sometimes away with relationships like one person just really holding on to something and it just seems so big and then the other person's like

I don't even remember that thing but I will still describe what happened. Oh the devotion. Crap tour came into our studio cave house. Yes, make it up. They brought... I'm not related to it, what do I care? They brought us a gift, a very tiny gift. The shape of a golden box.

And we opened it up. And inside of it was a key. And the key opened up another box. That was a flip box. And then we pushed them out. and that was the end of it. And what was in the box when you put the key in the box? You're just an advertisement for life insurance, and that's not the thing we need right now.

Oh, everyone needs life insurance. If you want to be good and take care of yourself, you have to do it. Do it. What seem like mundane things. You should or wait. I think I get it. I think it clicked.

So evil people don't want life insurance. They want death assurance. Yes. Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, I did call you, you popped up eventually, but yeah, I'll take a guess. Yeah, yeah, this was all part of my plan to bridge the gap between Good Jubil and see that there's good people on both sides. Arnie, Yusidor, do you see how Chant is even? What the fuck?

Well, I mean, I've had my suspicions. Yes. But Chant is my friend. And he has been for a long time. If Chant is evil, that throws my entire world view into... ...disarray! Wait, wait, wait, guys, guys, Chant are you doing hanging out on evil chat rooms?

No, no, wait, here, I think I know what's going on. So he's evil, right? We all agree on that. So to him, evil is good. Well, he identifies as evil. Like we know, that's evil. But when he says something is evil, that means he doesn't like it, which means it's the opposite. So because I'm good, I'm evil to him because I'm not evil. If I were evil, he'd say, don't you see Chant is good because he'd agree with my evilness. Are you guys beautiful minding how this all works? All I know is, at the very least,

you're linguistically evil. Vunkistra, put down that book that is rude. Sorry, I got carried away. Are you guys reading from the root book? Yes, we have a book club of all you two. As you read, just Vunkistra. What did I say about that? You just don't, you know, even though we're in from the root book? Yes, we have a book club of all the two people. What did I say about that? You just don't even know where in the deep dark depths of the cave they can see are just reading while they decipher our evil. Listen, it's almost time for us to have our

very unappetizing dinner. Yes, we will. But that's evil to yourself. We've taken up cookies, but we hate it, and we don't do it well. We don't do it well. So, chant, finish up your weird, really evil good thing. Because we're almost dinner time, baby. I don't, I don't want to be rude. So why don't you guys eat your dinner, drink your skinny dog wine, and we'll get right back with more Hello for the Magic Tavred. Great.

All right, or back with two evils, weird skinny dogs. Yes, it seems like being trapped has not been great for both of you, like what? I spent mostly. Good. What would it you used to be like? Like what was a typical day for you two before this happened? Oh, get up.

Just sort of the dash. We need to douse a little blood on the other and get out for a jog. Yes, a jog where we used to torment all of the neighborhood's people. By poking them or giving them false gossip that makes somebody else mad and they take it upon themselves to secret revenge For example, there is a young single mother who lives near our cave they would poke her in the sheens with my skinny dog nails

and then I would tell her all your children have been lying about you and then I continue my job, oh, your children have been lying about you. And then I continue my job, get my 10,000 steps and the, at the, fitness is very important to us. In order to be evil, you must be able to breathe wonderfully. And when you said that,

when you would tell her your children have been lying about you, how would she react? Because again, I hate to, I hate to be this guy, but there's not a lot of specificity there. Your children are all right about you. So listen to this. So she'd say, what, my beautiful little astrologer.

And I'll say, a astrologer said that you stole bread from the market because you are so greedy. And she'd say, but I didn't. And I'd say, that's what I mean. She's lying. And then she'd say, how why would she do that? And I said, because she's so bad. And then I'd stab her again in the she-in and then I'd run. Ooh, stealing bread from the market.

That's punishable by 30 years hard labor, I believe. Yes, yes. I couldn't laugh that, sorry. Ha-ha-ha. Anyway, after a luxurious run and exercise Yes, yes! I couldn't laugh, sorry. Anyway, after a luxurious run and exercise and tormenting, we begin our jobs. We are used to be travel agents. That's just a side hustle we do.

It's not related. Is it evil travel agents or just... That's what I'm talking about. You have to be very nice when you... Because a lot of people, there are other ways to get your travel. The travel agent is sort of outdated type of thing. So you have to be very nice. And...

Because the evil is not paying... Yes! Oh, so you're not paying the bills with evil? How interesting. Perhaps it's time to consider... Converting to goodness. Or perhaps you need all expenses paid by you, trip to nobody can travel. Shit. But you know what, that's not a problem. But you know what, I get it, it's tough. You know,

all your life you have a passion for, and then you decide to make evil your job. Right. And then it's just kind of hard to know what to do with that a little bit. Yes, we did have an evil mom and pop shop where we used to sell, you know, like vials of insults and books of rudeness. Do you still have any of those files of insults? Oh yeah, nobody could buy them and we, let me dig around here on one.

Oh yes, I'll open up. This one. Who should I aim at that? Ah, aim at it. You should or, aim at it, you should or. Okay. Okay. Great.

And. Oh, she's done go with those hands. Ha, ha, wow! So true, damn it. So rude. How unacceptable. This is the most evil thing that's been said all day, even with the disavowing and the covering and blood

and nearly killing your own spouse. I think that these shoes go exactly right with what I am wearing. You're not even wearing pants, but somehow it just really got to you. I think the insults are probably pre-concocked, right? Well, it matters not. I cannot. If it does not, please, please, me once again. You would say, Yes. You even in this time of isolation, we have to get dressed nice to feel like we're ready for the day.

Yeah, and these two have been trapped together and they're still covered in like very elaborate leather. It is. Wait a minute. You should stand up. Or either point the rune downwards. Oh, come on. Wow.

Wow. What? Disgusting. I'm just letting my robes be Lisfid little looser. It's it's no big deal Just cheese dust all over him. Wow. I love powdered cheese Just big sprinkles of powdered cheese. You're showing it not saying it. I mean you don't have to we know That was so rude. Yes, so no can I ask you to was that feel good to unleash one of your insults on the wizard? Oh, yes and

That that vile costs 12 Ruby gems, please. Oh, oh, well fine. I'll send them to you right now Through my own magical mystical delivery service Through my own magical mystical delivery service Usador dash, but you could also use fapel. Oh, I haven't used fapel. Is that a little is that the fairy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, the fairy folk will bring jewels and gold to other denizens of the realm. Yeah, absolutely. It's worth checking out I'll send them now And so that the joke is on you, Yusunor, for evil. Just paid the bills. Oh damn!

Damn! I've been tricked again. And now I've given 12 Ruby Gems to two purveyors of evil. Oh, one day I will convert you. I will convince you to look into that mother's eyes and see how her heart does break when you tell her a lie about her child and you will think I caused that pain and it should cause you pain and all you'll want to do is set it right to gain. I was with you till the end, but oh yeah, I seem like sort of a santa rhyme pain and a gain. Once he starts going with a certain tone, I just, like, I don't even hear what he's saying. Like, he's just a certain sound.

That's kind of like being married. Oh, what's, wow. Oh, what's, wow. Oh, nothing. Oh, what's, wow. Every day is repetitive, and then we get on these micro loops, and it's really, it's pretty cool.

We've had the same fight, 15 times. First she strikes me in the neck. And then you tell me I don't have an evil face that I look beautiful in the morning. Yes, well, sometimes after you get lots of rest, before you are able to put the suit and fish scales all over your face, you do look beautiful, it's not my fault. And your mustache that you're growing is very attractive. I really suit your face. Take it back. No, it's perfect for you.

It brings up your skinny jawline. Damn, that is with this blunt rock. But I don't have access to a cherished sharp rocks. Sometimes I feel like you are my best friend! Oh, oh wow, wow, whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it back. I think I know what's happening. You too, because you're trapped there, you can't perform evil on someone else, you're performing evil at each other.

So what- what- what- what- the three of us can provide is maybe we can help you spit also my ideas of how to be evil from your cab or kind of like what you did when you unleash that insult. So tell us what do you have around the house? Let us know what you're working with and we'll help you can cox some evil plans that you can perform together. We have this 2000 piece puzzle that we keep making and destroying. Right, we're so good at it. Good, good, good. Where, with a 2000-piece puzzle, I suppose? Yes.

Oh. I suppose the most evil thing you could do would be to put it together using each other's help. What? And then gluing it together and hanging it on the wall to make your apartment more beautiful, evil-y, beautiful.

Good coverum as long as you're not trying to trick us. Most certainly not, for that would be evil. Or instead of having it be a 2000-piece puzzle, Arnie, what's the opposite of peace? All he does is... No history. Maybe we make it a 2000 war puzzle. Oh. We like war.

Yes. Look, I think we're all getting to like bound up in specifics. It seems like evil, right? You're evil, evil. It seems like to me, evil needs other needs other people right like you can't just be Personally evil like because not like good where you can just be like smug and self-satisfied like I'm good I don't even need other people. I just know that I'm good you

Because if if it's just a two of you it's sort of like what Chun was saying you have to be evil at each other It's not just the two of us though. Oh What the cats my mother moved in about two weeks ago It's not just the two of us though. Oh, what? The cat? My mother moved in about two weeks ago. Oh, evil fucking evil. She was not safe where she was staying. So she's here now. There she is.

Do you see her? Hello? Hello, mother. Are you alright? I'm doing just fine. Yeah, how are you doing? She's doing. Believe this.

She never comes back. How do you know there are you doing? Believe this. She never complained. There are days, Ron. Could you some air? But at this moment in time, I'm just, you know, happy to be here. I gotta say, of everyone right now, she's thriving the most. Just slit my throat. Wow, stereotypical. The mother-in-law who's fine with everything. Hey, your...

...to speak you brought your father. Yes? Mother-in-law who's fine with everything. Hey, your... I want to speak. You brought your father. Yes? What's... Oh, don't mind me, kids. Is your father alright? Is he Yawning? Sorry, I have to ask for the two of you.

Where did you get your accents? Yes. College. College. We're first generation. College students. Of course, everyone knows when you go to college, you pick up an accent. Is that what you two met in terms of forming your relationship?

Yes, freshmen. We met in Seminar. We will university freshmen seminar. Oh, sorry, I called it a relationship. I mean, you don't relate citizenship? Yes, I don't know. I don't know. Meal that. Sure. Yes, our freshman seminar where we were fed fresh, young men. Oh.

We ate them. No, I mean, no offense on it, but if I took like 30 years of you, you could have looked like one of these. Anyway, I mean, I take it to the cabinet. You could have said, oh, more years. And then at Evil College, so your first year, you're Fred Freshman. You're a university.

University, yes. And then your second year, you're still Fred Freshman, but they're more soft. There's sophomore of them. So much more. Yeah, sophomore, much more fresh men. So after that, do the men that you eat, do they get older or younger? They have children that eat their juniors. Oh no. The juniors of the freshmen, we eat them. So much more of them. Well, at least there's never a problem involving the elderly. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh says, your mother, are they both single? Yes, yes. What of it?

Wouldn't be diabolical to get them to fall in love with each other. We keep them on the other side of the room because they have so much in common. What did they have in common? I love sewing and eating little cakes. If only I had someone to share these. I know a little bit of kinks with. His father is always falling asleep. Oh, I feel so bad for them.

We have to keep them on our own. And the sides of the cave less they fall in love. That is the most evil thing of all. To deny someone love. Love is one of the most powerful forces in all of the universe. And I will fight, and fight on and on, to make sure that all people can feel love. And I know that Arnie isn't listening right now because I've taken on that tone, so I will keep speaking in this way, until I run out of energy and have nothing

is left to say. Now look, I don't know what Yusud is talking about, but I'm no love expert, but I think you two should kill your parents. Wait, what? Oh, right, like that sort of seems, like, because you just need a project. Wow. Arnie, the fuck?

I mean, look, I'm not advocating it or anything like that. I'm just saying, like, I'm just problem solving here. Like, if you're evil, you need a victim of your evil and they're just who are there. Yes. No, no, if you're evil, you need to see the error of your ways and have a moment of enlightenment and pure joy where you turn around and you say,

no longer shall I cast down, despair upon others, but yet I shall lift them up, and along with lifting them up, I shall also be lifted. I tuned that out that time. It seemed pretty unspecific. Oh, how about this? Never go to bed without having planned a way to kill your parents the next day.

You don't do it, but just every night you're like, this is how we're gonna kill it, this is not, probably tomorrow we're gonna kill our parents. And the secret to an evil relationship is always good at bed angry, right? Yes. We've recently just been snuggling up like little bunny rabbits. Yes.

Falling into a deep pleasant slumber, it's terrible! It's horrible. Every morning I awake and relax. We switch between big spoon, little spoon, big spoon, little spoon. And they both feel wonderful. You saw as there a way for you to make T'lopias snore? I believe his name is T'lopia. I...

It wasn't good to say anything. It's the E-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-E-V-L-E-V-L-I-P-S but it wouldn't go so far as to correct the pronunciation of my name twice. You're evil, not rude. Right. Now, chump between you and I, I could fix the snoring. Mm-hmm. But what they don't realize, as long as they're unhappy, they're doing good. So I'm gonna let it ride, baby. So if they're unhappy, that's good, because unhappiness is happiness, right?

It seems like their particular take on evil is very opposite-based. So yes, I'm going to let them be unhappy, because that means they aren't causing evil. They are killing their parents, they are not letting one another. And it makes sense that their parents are wonderful, because that's how they're evil in juxtaposition of wonderfulness, because if their parents were evil and they were also evil, they'd be good because they'd be following what their parents wanted for them so they have to rebel against goodness. I'm sorry, did we miss anything?

We just killed our parents. Oh no, oh no. I'm so sorry. I hope you did just came to that idea on your own. It wasn't something he said. We just opened up a bunch of those tubes of insults and they just couldn't take it. Oh, what a way to go. Does it help? I feel kind of shitty. Is that good? What you, they want?

I can't tell. But like in a new kind of bad, like actually bad way, you know, like... But actually bad is actually just... Was it, was it, was it wrong to do... But in a... They're about to have the realization that we'll turn them to the side of good. Real... To...

Uh, Von Quistra. Yes. Oh, it's up to you. Should we have done that? Uh... I don't... I feel like... There was a line... Yeah. We have done that. I don't. I feel like there was a line and we crossed it.

We crossed it. Now you can go back and set right what you've done. So, should we resurrect them into walkers of the dead? Wait, what? I mean, then you could kill them again. What? What? What? I'm just saying, maybe the problem maybe is that they didn't paste themselves. You know what I mean?

Like, they just like, murdered them too fast. They should have like, you know, it was like a premature execution. Like, they should have just- It happens everyone. We could resurrect them into giant walkers of the dead that can take us out of here. Oh, it's curious out. And then, once we are rid of them, we do not need them. We sell them as strong servants to the Skull Master.

Skull Master? Yes. The Skull Master is an excellent retirement facility for them to rest the rest of the Rears untouched and unharmed with the evil lot of skullmaster. Where there's skullmaster and the evil person skullmaster, but then there's the skullmaster general where everyone uses his day. And don't forget there's the guy who does all the chew skullmaster. Skullmaster, yes that's right. And ruins all his white t-shirts. Also being in the travel business we know how to get a lot of points and really good deals. Right.

And there's Scone Aster of the famous wealthy family. Eeeh, knew how to get travel deals. I'll tell you that. With money. Well that's how you stay rich, you don't spend money. Very, you should come work for us. Me? Yes, you should come work for us. Me? Yes, you're very good at numbers.

But could I, you said all the wizard, work for an evil travel agency? Your two best friends are evil. What, what? Yes. No, that can be. Oh no, our honey suggested we kill our parents. Not evil, it's like the problem solve. Oh no, Ah, honey suggested we kill our parents. Not evil, it's like the problem solved. Oh no.

Yes. Shunt. He was immediately supported. Oh sure, don't take responsibility for your own crimes. Blame the media. Well, fine. I so be it. As I said before, at the beginning of the podcastual transmission, I said, if someone is evil,

and I can't reach them, I'll smite them in the future. So beware, all four of you, for now, thy have used it all turns to thee, and your evil shall be smote from this world. And that reminds me, I probably should have told you this upfront. We're recording this. This is all being recorded. Oh, yeah. We, our cave is a single party. Only the recording side has to consent. Oh, that's good to know. Also, we're trying to work on our social media presence.

Oh, yes. It's huge in the evil community. Yeah, you have to ask. The more thumbs down and hate points you get. Yes. The more opportunities you get for even this. Oh sure. Clickate. Speaking of, do you mind if we quickly capture our visages doing this really cool thing? Chant, if you can come fully into frame because you are the move, we must how? Because we are weird skinny dogs. Oh, yeah, how you want to howl at me? Yeah blow up on social Okay, okay, and I'm just gonna do a crazy face. Yes, everyone make a funny face. Please funny face

I should ask before we capture this face is this for a insane Graham. Yes, the guy who's crazy who runs around and shows everybody everything Yes, okay, if it's for the gram that I'll do it it all right, let me get follow for a final place. Please. Yes Oh yeah All right Alright. Oh look at parents are howling their life now. Shit, did we just cast some spell? Were we a part of some ritual that helped them raise their parents? I think that's good.

Even their parents. Even their parents. It sucks that your parents are still adorable as living dead. It's true. Who are you new friends? They're adorable. Oh thank you. I'm from the whole world. Thanks Miss Fountista.

Just send me your address else and you would care package of tiny socks. Oh she will. She will and they will fit great. Regardless of your foot size, the tiny sock fits. It's so horrible. Of course they can't laugh. The dogs. No matter what history calls this episode,

Iolo is think of it as, you look like J. Leno. No, Ilo is think of it as, you look like Jay Leno. No, I don't. I'm a Crescent Moon. The I.O. Conservatory ladies in gentlemen. User of the Wizard was played by Mat Young. Chaunt the Crescent Moon was played by Adolf Refy. The evil couple, Vocastra, and Tulumpia the Dark were played by special guests, Mujan, Sofogari, and Seth Lind. Mujan and Seth are two of the creators of Mission to Zix, an improv comedy podcast following a team of ambassadors in the ass end of space.

I've been there, good drink specials. It's a show inspired by this one. So there's a chance you'll like it, or find a way to endure it as you have us. Find it on any podcast app, or at Mission to Zix, that's zyxx.space. Mujan is also a TV writer and actor. She'll be on the new season of At Home with Amy Sideris on True TV, literally the best show on television ever, and her words will be on the not-too-late show with Elmo on HBO Max. Seth is director of operations at this American Life and Serial. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adolf Refy. Post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz.

Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Ss. Special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Remember that clip I mentioned from the Lost in Foon live shows currently appearing every Thursday on Stitcher Premium? Well, like a clown crawling from the sewers 28 years later, it's time we finally dealt

with it. Listen up! You feeling small today, buddy? A little bit. Oh, you said or was wrong. Oh, you said or? Oh, you see. It's fine. wrong. Oh, you said or, oh, you see.

It's fine. Oh. Oh. It's just said, you know, you've been doing this show for many, many years now. And I just remembered we haven't defeated the Dark Lord. Oh, Arnie, I know what this is about. What? I mean, obviously what he said it's about. Yeah.

But also, I totally forgot. Today is the anniversary of when Yusudor did his first spell. Oh! Yeah. It's a spell of verse three. It's a spell of verse three. Yusudor? Yes.

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. You were remembered. Sing the song. Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.