Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 44 - Dragon (w/ John Roderick)

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

The hosts accidentally encounter a terrifying and persnickety dragon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDurp the Dragon: John RoderickMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth. Hi. It's a rough time for your planet right now. And I should know, I've seen a lot of planets. One might even ask, why spend 40 minutes to an hour, depending on how quickly Matt gets tired of shouting, in a fantastical land. I've been asking for almost six years. The forces behind this fake broadcast even discuss taking a short break,

to which I said, who would notice? In the end, we hope you find the strength to keep doing what you can to make your world a more equal and charitable one for all, until you're better able to jump multiverses without all the indigestion. This is the one world you've got, and it needs you. And if ever you need a break to recharge, we'll be here. So on behalf of myself and all the less talented artists who create this very thick podcast, let's join together, sit back, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About five years and a few months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger

king in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal that I used to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. But a small addendum to that there's been an earthquake and everyone in fune is trapped in small little sections of land And so we are now recording the podcast remotely via the magic of rune and I am joined as always by my co-host He's usually to me a talking badger, but I don't know what is this week. It's at Chuntha talking. Oh, yeah, I'm a little water wolf. A little, you're a... Chow-what? You know a water wolf.

A sea wolf. A sea wolf. Yeah, I heard it. I've heard of an air wolf, but what is a sea wolf? I thought you said on earth there's old teen wolves. Well, there's at least thought you said on earth there's all teen wolves. Well, there's at least two teen wolves on earth, the greatest of all the wolves. Well, a water wolf is, well,

how do I explain this to someone of your mental capacity? Who's making me understand a lot? Oh, okay, yeah, a water wolf or a sea wolf is a wolf made of water, does that make sense? Oh, made of water, that's not, but to look at you, yeah, a wolf made of water? Does that make sense? Oh, made of water, that's not, but to look at you, yeah, you're made of water. You, you really, you know, I know you like to say get wet.

You did, you got wet, you got wet. Yeah, also I don't know if you heard my how, but I went, oh, oh, that's a very, should have been a telling sign, but it seemed like you glossed right over it. Yeah, I just, I guess I heard it, but I didn't want to point it out in case it was a weird personal problem.

But I'm feeling good. It feels so weird to be made of water. And I've been brainstorming, I've been a water wolf for a while now, a couple of days. And I thought about opening up not just a new restaurant, but a carrot oaky place called Howl the Food. Okay, I got a couple quite, I got a really parts, right, but a carrot oaky place called Howl The Food. Okay, I got a couple quite, I got a really parts that set up this time. Do we have time?

You know what I'm going to make time, first of all, a carrot oaky, what is carrot oaky? Oh, while you make time, I'm going to make water. You know, and a carrot where it's aged in oak barrels over time. Sometimes you take a wine and you age it in a barrel or a fine spirit, and then once that barrel is done, you put carrots in there and you go, oh these wonderfully oak-aged carrots. And typically when you bite into one, they're so good you just want to sing about it. You just want to sing out loud.

But you want to sing safely, so you you wanna sing a song that's already existing, you don't wanna make up a new song. Oh, sure, yeah. And you're gonna name this place Howlet the Foon? Mm-hmm. No further questions, Your Honor. Oh, thank you for giving me respect, finally. Well, you know what?

We don't really talk about this, but you've been judged. Well, you have been judged not guilty of being a bad friend. Okay, you have been judged not guilty of being a bad friend. Okay, good. You're not guilty of being a bad friend. Oh, and listeners also heard my other co-host, Yusudor the Wizard. That's right.

I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twilth Realm of Ephesians, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Hs of Trockus, The Oves Noomiest Fiend Elk, The Dwarves Noomiest Zoning in Extenges, and I'm Noon in the Northeast as Gas-Winnius Mastar, and there may be other secret names. Oh, that if air uttered aloud, there would be the most melodious singing, orry-none, and familiar to thee.

I shall be thine very backing track. Sir, you're suggesting you said, or you're a big like, caradoki guy. Uh-huh. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I like to get in there and sing some of my old favorite tunes. Just name one. Just name one all-sing it. I don't give a shit.

I mean, I only know so many of the songs of food. I know there's seven dragons in a baby The traveler The traveler I'll sing the traveler free bird The traveler came down the road the traveler came down the road here comes the traveler here comes the traveler Here comes the traveling man Yeah music is only really advanced so much in this world. John do you have like a go-to? Kirito key song? Yes, I prefer songs by Michelle Branch. Oh

There's a there's a tree branch in Fune. This is a singer songwriter Yeah, and she has a lot of great hits some of which are my very favorites Don't ask me all of them because I'm only gonna say one Just one mm-hmm say one. Just one. And that one is called all the places. Oh fantastic. Yeah. It's ironic that a branch would sing about all the places. Is it a very mournful tune? It's a bit of a dirge, but yeah, I think it's a lot of like, you know, she hasn't seen a lot of the world. So she likes this thing about what might be out there, right? She's sort of extrapolating what could be possibilities

and then putting that to a numeric. My favorite branch that is a musician is Justin Timberlake, Trolls World Tour, out now, probably. Didn't you say there's a band called the government that has three branches on Earth? What are those three branches? There's the executive branch, the judicial branch, your honor, and also the legislative branch. I've been gone from earth for a long time, but I have to imagine all three of those branches

are still working well and as planned. And what are some hit songs by the government? You said it's a mule that's in the government? Yes, I have said that. And that's something I know a lot about. I will say though, my only real, my favorite government song is I'm just a bill. Huh. Pretty good.

Do you wanna sing in here? Yeah, sing a little bit of it. We'd like to hear it. Oh, is it like, oh, I'm just a bill in the world Like that. Yeah, what if Bill was one of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty catchy. I should clarify that the traveler is not my go to Carrot oaky salt. Oh, I see oops. I did it. I'm Bill No, no, not that one. I prefer Creek by Looted. Cree. Cree. I'm a Creek.

I'm some water. What the hell am I flowing here? Oh, it's just a song about a Creek and where it is. Yeah, I kind of want to bring, and we mentioned this a couple of weeks ago that we have made a solemn pact with each other to never start an episode over again from the beginning after we've already started.

I'm mentioning that for no particular reason. But you're considering it now. Oh, I mean, more and more, I find myself regretting that pact that we've made. Yeah, you know, yes. It seems like you're shooting on a singing, but I mean, now that's what I call music. What we're seeing now that that's what that now that that bit but but now Now that's what you call that thing you just did. I like that

That's what I call music you kind of like a little pig you have to do that at the end once our episode is done You should pop up and do that your little pig impression, but wait wait wait that that that that But he already do have a fucking pressure. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, Apparently the third most famous adventure in all of Foon, I'm actually forgetting his name. You're always good at remembering the rankings of things. Who is the third most famous adventure in all of Foon? Onesworth? Onesworth? The great knight Onesworth?

Yeah, Onesworth. Oh, you've made contact with Onesworth. I've been attempting to recruit Onesworth into my retinue of heroes and valiant knights for many a year. Yeah, well, okay, well hopefully you can do that. More importantly, I hope he's just good content. Alright, so I'm, let's see here, I'm gonna... ...finger the ruin on the side of this... Oh, hold on. That is.

Yeah. Can we re-face that? I don't. I'm not, I'm not like a magic head. I'm not like a magicie guy. Just say cast, just say I'm casting the rune or I'm activating the rune. I don't say you're fingering the rune.

Why can't I just say I'm tied? I have to touch the rune. Touch it, touch it, touch it's fine. I don't say you're fingering the room. Why can't I just say I'm tied? I have to touch the touch. Touch it. Touch it. Touch it. Fine. I'm tired. Touch it. Fine. Fingering magic. That's that. I'm not. Nobody's impressed by it. I'm tired of people telling me they're tired of my

fingering magic. You're tired of it. I've heard it too much lately. Oh, actually, I'm lying. I've never never. So where's on? So we're going to go down that road. Okay. Oh, anyway.'m lying. I've never. So where's Onsworth? I want to go down that road. Okay. Oh anyway, all right Onsworth has been in our waiting room for about a couple hours. So let's see here. I think I'm gonna Finger for a herrter the room and there it is. Oh hello Onsworth Sir Onsworth, what are we looking at here? I just see a little cave. I see feet.

Mm-hmm. I don't see anything. Huh? What is it? What- Hello? Hello? That's not- Hello Onesworth? I just noticed those feet aren't attached to anything.

Like, they're just... What? ...with bones sticking out. Oh, no. The famous... ...feet of Onesworth, I could recognize them anywhere. What are the most distinguishing characteristics about Onsworth's feet? Oh, they accomplished so many feats.

Oh, the tails, they would tell if they were still connected to a tail. But it looks like he's been defeated. Oh, I forgot. You of course use it all recognizes that we never talk about it on the podcast, but he's got a real foot thing. Right? And somebody nods that to the wiki.

And I am not related to Kraktoa. I'm just gonna put that on the record as well. I don't know, you bring it up a lot. But hello, so, we heard somebody, are you there? I heard somebody's voice. Hello. We're talking from the jewel We're on room. Hello. We there seems to maybe have been some kind of accident But but worse yet we may not have a guest for our podcast

Which gem which gem is talking? Oh, which of these many gems is speaking to me here? Which gem is talking oh which of these many gems is speaking to be here? Yes, it looks like there's quite a bit of a treasure scattered about there But there should be one with some loons illuminated upon it in a reddish hue that you would be able to recognize Oh fuck I see a face aren't oh It's terrifying, but beautiful a dragon Good so dragon I am you Sadoor Oh, it's terrifying, but beautiful, a dragon. Oh, good shudragging. I am Yusador. Hello. Hello. I'm why are you talking to me from this stone? Holy fuck, I've never seen anybody so unimpressed with Yusador. Why is this gem speaking to me now? Who are all of you small insignificant creatures? I, insignificant how dare you, I am Yusador, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master

of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of tracas, the hounds no me is fearing yuck, the dwarves no me is so new extendies, and I've known in the north east as gasmaniusmay-star You sir, stand before a mighty wizard, though we be separated by these runes during the shattering. I say unto you, good sir, dragon, that I am not to be trifled with. Damn, in the library's closed, you've been read. Mm-hmm. Uh, never heard of you. Oh, I love that.

What? What? And I'm so sorry, uh, I'm Arnie. Oh, I love that. What? And I'm so sorry, I'm Arnie, I'm from another world. Do you mind if we talk? Don't, don't, don't, don't care. Don't know, don't care. I mean, yeah, sure, I've got all the time in the world. Yeah, you're from another world. I don't care.

All of you are from another world, a world of complete insignificance to me. Oh. Well, what's significant to you, good sir, Dragon? I'm a dragon. Dragons are perhaps fiends, greatest creatures. And what is significant to us is our own business and none of yours. That's characteristic of a dragon, is that the dragon minds his own business and expects others to mind their business. Oh, he's so withholding, but it makes me all the more interested in him.

I hear that a lot. I've done so many guys like him. A dragon, and I'm so sorry to call you a dragon, I don't know if you have a formal title or if there's some majestic name that I should address you by. Yes, I do have a majestic name as is true of all dragons or was. Back when Fun had many dragons, I fear that I may be the last of my breed, which is shown off fine with me actually. It's true, Ronald. You see fewer and fewer dragons these days. No, I don't really know. It's true, Ronald.

You see fewer and fewer dragons these days. Hmm, that's right. Well, you'll see only one dragon, which is me, the last dragon. But that's not my name. I don't go by the last dragon. I go by my given name, DERP. But I've known DERP. DERP.

I've been known for many, many millennia as Dirk the Magnificent, as all the more magnificent dragons passed to the other side. You do look, I mean, you're shimmering and like your scales are shimmering and a lot of beautiful colors. That's a little darker. No, I don't know what you're saying. Oh, well, I mean, I'm honestly just telling you the truth.

Dirk though, huh? Dirk, yeah. Dragons are renowned for having concise names. We don't have a ton of time. Didn't use to. Now I got all the time in the world, Frank. Arnie Infoon, Dirk is a glorious, magnificent name. It's one that's very regal and holds a lot of power.

It's very rare that you meet a Dirk because there's a lot to live up to when your baby's a Dirk. Oh, sure. You have a Dirkie baby then it's got a long journey ahead of it. He speaks the truth. DURP, I used to know a dragon. I live next door to a doctor, Agon. Yeah. Did you know Dr. Agon?

I mean by name only. Yeah. In patients he saw, never came back out of his cave, but I trust that he was a doctor of something. Yeah. Well, that I trusted he was a doctor or something. Yeah, well that's how this conversation started, I guess. Here, some stone that was in the pocket of this dumbass that I ate earlier this morning. Oh.

That was the third best adventure in Foon. Dirk? Yeah, it was about the 14th best tasting adventure in Foon. Damn. Spittin' hot fire. You said you're very good with the rankings. So if he was the 14th best tasting adventurer in Fune, who moves up into that spot?

Who is it 50? Actually, now I'm very curious to hear. Well, I suppose the next most delicious adventurer would have to be a Zangle left. Oh, Derp's taking out a scroll and a quill here. Zangle, Zangle Wealth? Zangle Wealth, yes. Zangle Wealth, they are very live, not particularly not a lot of meat on the bone, so it's gonna be a tough meat for you, but I would prefer you didn't eat adventurers at all If I were being perfectly honest, why not use your great dragonly powers to help us defeat evil

What possible Self-interest could I have in helping you defeat evil? Oh, you know a good feelings and good feelings and niceness and good. No, no, those are emotions that I have very carefully laid waste to in the great fields of my own heart. I have used the fire of my scorn to eliminate all selflessness because I was hurt many years ago. And that's the last I was hurt many years ago. Oh, okay. That's the last I want to say about it.

Oh, Derby, I know you said that's the last you're willing to say about it, but I don't think so. I don't even know why. I don't even know why I brought it up, I honestly don't know. I don't know. I was just going to say, what do you mind if I, obviously you do mind, but I'm going to ask, what happened to your Derby? No, Derby hurt.

Did someone break your dirty heart? It's nothing that every dragon has an experience. It's part of dragonness and it's not anything, that makes me special and it's not a thing. Yes, of course we don't want to delve into this juicy nugget that you've laid before us. So instead, perhaps you could tell the sport about the time before this terrible heartbreak when the dragons were at that height, those glorious

devs of Yonder, what happened back then? What was dragon kind like? I'm very glad that you asked. Thank you. In significant wizard. Must be one of the secret names. That must be what the dragons call you. You said, I think you found the key. If a hundred-year-old creature doesn't want to talk it about anything, ask them about the old and time. A hundred...

A hundred-year-old! A hundred thousand-year-old! Oh, bigger part. Oh, yes, dragon's life had an incredibly long time. And oddity. Part of the idea is, if I go back a little further, we'll get up to the part with the hard break and find out. Yeah, guys, there's no whispering in rooms.

What? Oh, that's right. There's no whispering in room. What? I can hear everything that you've been saying. I can hear everything you were saying. So, Dirk, tell us about the Halcyon days. Well, I'm glad you asked because I think you probably are familiar with the legends. A lot of dragons are consumed with greed, desire to accumulate wealth. Yes, yes, yes. That was never really my thing.

I was much more socially attuned. Oh. I felt like hoarding wealth was a sign of, I don't know, it was a misguided dragon strategy to stave off doubt and fear. Sure. You were a different time when you were a young dragon, you were like, don't trust anyone over 400 years old. Yeah, it's true, but I've always been interested

in the past, dragon past in particular. And so my hoard, if I hear I'll show you around, I mean, there are gems here, of course, but my hoard is mostly vintage dragon stuff. I've been into like dragon stuff of all kinds, you know, like, sure. What's your favorite? What's your favorite?

Well, I've, I loved the age of elves. Oh, yes. And the, the great wars, I have a lot of war memorabilia, a lot of mithril garments that I stripped off of, of dead Elven folk. I have a lot of, you know, all of the dwarf stuff, just one dwarf after another that I was picking my teeth with their shin bones, I kept all those shin bones.

Do you find that it's more of a conversation starter around the cave if you can talk about the time that you pulled it off of a dead body? Used to be when I had people over. After the last dragon went to the other, what sailed off beyond the sea or whatever it was that the other dragons did. I was just sort of left with my memories and that's enough for me.

I was never like a super extroverted dragon. Oh, sort of a dragon that kept company by my memories and my imagination to you. Can we go back? I just want to know a little bit more about Young Dirk, you know, first flying out into the world of dragons, you know, your whole millennia ahead of you, just like full of hope for the future? Yeah, I was a pretty sporty young dragon. People said I was pretty stylish.

What was the height of dragon style at the time? What would you do to sort of peacock a little bit? Oh, well, I mean, you can adorn your many scales with all kinds of incrustations and, and the skulls of your enemies, you could... Sure. Yeah, I'm a good dragon, as you can see, has many crevices and overlapping, you know, sort of scale joints.

Great. I, the turtle peacocks. That's where the tub comes from. Yeah, mm-hmm, he's not wrong. It does seem like there have the little peacocks. That's where the tub comes from. Mm-hmm. He's not wrong. It does seem like there's a couple peacock bones inside some of those crefuses. Peacocks are both delicious and extremely annoying. And so not only are there skulls great adornment, but if you cook them down, they make a wonderful

broth. It's very healing. It's very yummy. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that sounds great, peacock. But I, you know, I also cut a wonderful broth. It's very healing. Yum. Yeah, that sounds great, Peacock. But I, you know, I also cut a fine figure. I think the lady dragons knew that I was an up-and-comer and perhaps that was my undoing.

Oh. I think we're getting clues. I think we're getting clues about what happened to Derp. We're getting very close to the heartbreak part. It's cool to hear that he was a sporty dragon and not like a scary dragon or like a baby dragon or a ginger. What? I don't know, he's not all red.

I can hear you. I can hear all three of you talking. Shhh, I can hear you, Steve. No, I'm not a ginger, my god. Yeah, so dumb, you know, and this is just a kind of dirt high like. Yeah. You're very popular. Or some of the dragon ladies that you, you know, were popular with.

The thing is that I was, in addition to being sporty and handsome, charming, I was also a feminist. Oh. And, you know, I was taught by my mother, Dragon, to let the lady dragon make the first move. And so I often waited at the side of the volcano cauldron, sporting my most elegant cloak of peacock skulls, and maintained a sort of sweating sweating just hearing this. I maintained a sort of a luft demeanor because I'd read all the great novels and waited for someone to choose me and no one ever did. Oh.

Lesser dragons, bullies and fat dragons and other, you know, rich dragons and the sons of rich dragons. They were rude and they were impertinent, and all the lady dragons went with them. And didn't appreciate me or my poetry. And so at one point or another, I decided I would live alone forever. Oh, guys, I think the last dragon of Phoon is a fucking nerd. I mean, he's a dragon, and that's cool. But is it... he sounds like he was a nerd.

I mean, I mean, I say that from experience because it sounds a lot like me. And I'm gonna be perfectly honest. I've seen other dragons. I think he thinks he's the last dragon because he's just like locked up in this cave. He hasn't seen anybody except for the adventure of seeds from time to time. No, I am the last dragon of food. I can hear you. If there were any other dragons in food, I would know them. I knew all the dragons of food. Name a dragon. Name a single dragon of food. Well, I named Dr. Agon and you said you just knew him by name. Well, what about the tarlachs? Yeah, what about for tarlachs? What about finicky Josh?

All these dragons are gone. They've all moved on to it. They all went away to college. They all are living in other towns now. Long, I mean- Wait, wait. You lost track of them before in college? Terp, you said that they all sailed beyond the sea. Yes, went away to college beyond the sea. I'm the last dragon of food. I see, I see.

Well, uh, well, uh, Dirk, it's, uh, it's quite understandable. Uh, you're, you seem very happy here, though, in, uh, in your own way. You've created your own life for yourself. Uh, is there, but is there anything else that you still desire? I am very happy. I don't need all the things that other dragons seem to need, let weaker dragons, lesser dragons like company or friends or hugs or touch, I get plenty of touch from the Adventures that pummel my nose as I as I gobble them down to their boots That's all the touching I need I feel those punches as sweet caresses

Ah, Dirk, are your eyes watering or what's going on over there? That is just dragon normal dragon eye cleaning. No. It's normal eye cleaning dragons have very sanitary eyes. So, so, so, Dirk, you mentioned before your poetry and I, I noticed behind you there's some scrolls and some giant quills. I don't know if it's poetry or you're working on a book. You know, are you writing anything these days? It's nice of you to ask.

I'm always working on something right now. I kind of left my poetry behind a little bit. I'm working right now on a monograph about the history of carts. The history of carts? Ooh. This guy's a fucking nerd. In my experience flying over a phone, I admired carts of the many shapes and sizes.

You probably noticed carts are one of the main means of transportation, and there are so many elegant designs, creative carts, big carts, little carts, I especially like big carts. Yeah, I collect carts, you'll see here around my layer, many, many different carts that I've gobbled up the occupants and then carried the cart back.

Yeah, and I see sort of on the, I can barely see on the back wall of your cave, you've sort of also painted, there's much of paintings of carts that you've made. Mm-hmm, and there's sort of, you've also painted, there's much of paintings of carts that you've made. And there's sort of like you've painted yourself on the carts driving them and you wrote room, room, which I don't even know what that would possibly mean. Sure, that's Dragon Talk.

Yeah, what does room mean? And what does that train, like I don't speak Dragon, unfortunately, but what does room,room mean? I don't speak Dragon, unfortunately. But what does Vroom mean? It's a secret dragon talk. Oh, okay. It's Dragon talk that dragons would know, and we're not interested in letting everybody just know

what dragons are all about, what dragons are talking about when they ride in human carts or dwarf carts or elf carts, the many kinds of carts or carts. I can name every kind of cart. Yeah, we noticed. Is that an elf cart over there? Tell us about that.

Oh, the elves have very fancy carts. Very lightweight carts. Yeah, that is very fancy. Guys, look how happy he is telling us about these so popular carts. I feel like he's like my dad watching the history channel. Like he's just in his happy place talking about these carts. This is my oldest cart. Oh, fun. What is that made out of wood?

This one's made of wood. Yeah, most of them are made of wood. Different kinds of wood though. Birch, Alder. Fun. What's this? Is this like a model cart village over here? This track and road. This is a cart village. Yeah, most of them are made of wood. Different kinds of wood though, birch, all there.

Fun, what's this, is this like a model? Cart village over here, this track and rail over here. Chanty was starting to list woods. The large, Elm. Come on, Maple. Come on, Maple. Maple? Yes.

Settica, he can hear you. There's no whispers in here. Well, I can hear you. As Dirt continues to list woods, why don't we take a quick break while we learn more about this elf carts and his oldest carts? And we'll be right back with more... Uh, Rosewood. This fucking nerd. Now, Arnie, I have to take a moment to speak with you. When Dup mentioned that he had a secret dragon word, secret dragon language, you immediately

wanted to know what it was, but whenever I tell you I have secret names, you seem annoyed, you don't want to hear about them. Can't just have too many, you know what I mean? Here's also the other thing. If there's a secret language, I will have the first two words of a secret language and then never anymore. That's a thing. You've already told me secret words. I'm full up on secret words from you. Hey, honey. Yeah. Do you want to know one of my secret names? This is the one that's like... Crankle Perf? What? Crankle Perth?

E-uh, how did you know that? This is what's not fun about your secret names, you said, or I could like make up any random combination of sounds. Oh, snap, Crankle Perth. Yes, trust. Exactly, chunt. I was about to say that the three elves of the rice know me as Crankle Perth.

Stop saying Crankle Perf. That's a very offensive term in Dragon. It is? Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. You see, I don't speak Dragon. I know a few words here and there like,

yes or wrong. That's, you have to know what angles were. Your accent is so bad. I don't even want to address it. Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, Derb. No. It's impossible for you to offend me.

Small wizard hat. Oh, that's a pretty big hat. Wizard hat with feet. Oh, damn. He is savage. Derb, do you mind if I ask? When was the last time you left your cave? I leave it all the time. I have carts over in this in glades and I have I think

with your little water wolf friend noticed that I have a little model village that I have some carts in various different styles of carts and that I have a little model village that I have some carts in, various different styles of carts. And also I have, I built a trail around my property that I go walk my trail and keep my trail clear. Well, I'm so sorry, I might be misunderstanding. Are you saying you've set up like miniature

villages and you walk around those and pretend that's outside? I mean you wouldn't consider the miniature their life size to you. I mean that's that's a two-shay that is a fair point. They're they're real carts that I've set up in, I guess you would say a diorama. So it's a one to one scale diorama. Yeah, I just like to act out certain scenes from my own life and from history. You know, I'm treating it. Can you act out one of these scenes now? This might be the hard break one.

Well, I'm worried we're gonna get into a welcome to Marwin situation. Oh no nobody knows what that is. I don't either. Having fun with your car right from the start, Daya Rama. Here we, I'll show you. It's like, all right. Get it up. Oh, we need to do cool, but he's also like flopping around giant horse corpses.

Oh, no! That's toys. I love you, oh, I love you. Oh, run away, I'm leaving, I don't ever want to see you again. All right. And then it's a Huh and you're a hundred thousand years old Yeah, give her take a dirt binding 9,000

Problems These cards anyway You took one of the years off the wall and passed it around dirt I do want to ask you now you you played with your, we'll call them toys. And you could have them do collectibles. Collectibles, they're collectibles. I'm sorry, you played with your collectibles. And you could have them do anything, but what you did is you had one say I love you. You had the other one say I'm leaving, I never want to see you again.

Now, what's going on there? Just acting out what I've seen in my experience of dealing with other creatures, humans, elves, dwarves, Nazguls, they seem to always have some kind of, they seem happy and then there seems to be some kind of fight, some disagreement where maybe one of the, one of the people underperforms or fails to meet the expectations of one of the other ones. And then they are mad, upset, storm off. And then I kill them all with fire and steal their cart.

So with the NASCAR, did you steal their NASCAR? Oh, NASCAR, that was one of my, used to be one of my favorite sports. Arnie, there's a thing called NASCARTS. That was one of my, used to be one of my favorite sports. Arnie, there's a thing called NASCARTS and what's fun about it is that these NASCARTS go in a car, round and round and every once in a while one of them will fly at a control and and fly into the audience. How is that the one that Jeff Gorgon is a real big Jeff Gorgon? Oh yeah. Didn't they pull a milk on each other? I hear it's very popular.

Kind of not my thing. And there's kale, spurn heart. And some more. Wait, hold on. Kale, spurn, rusty warlock. Is kale, kale, spurn heart, is he like a piece of kale? Kale, spurn heart, junior was really the one that I followed the most closely.

Yeah, it's a little more popular. And like I said, Rusty Warlock was one. I'm just gonna write down, because I do not wanna ever forget this name. Kale Spurmhart. Well, I said Spurmhart. You're saying Spurmhart, which is a medical issue.

Yeah, that's a medical issue I don't wanna touch. So, Dirt P you said that these are things that you've seen before. And earlier you mentioned, I know we're not supposed to talk about it or ask you follow up questions, but you said that your heart, the field of your heart has been burned. You said you didn't experience

you didn't want to talk about. I burned. Oh, you burned it. I burned the field of my heart to cauterize the weeds growing there from the many sorrowful winters of my youth and my loves. Those sorrowful winters sound like long winters. Hmm. Were they long? Whom?

Whom. But you're still a relatively young dragon and you're magnificent. Why wouldn't the light glimpse off you? You change airy color of the rainbow your scales are some of the most magnificent I've ever seen So I think if you just took off those gigantic sweatpants and went out and tried to meet someone maybe you'd have a chance You're extremely- You're extremely- Get swept in, happy. Extremely- Askissing-

Hat with feet. No! Now that's a secret name I haven't heard before. Neither have I. You're a fucking ass-hat. Hey! I would go out if there were any of my kind left in Foon, and since there are not, and since I know there to be not, what is the point?

Only to be mocked and reviled by all the little weasels asshats that roam the land. Alright. Hey guys, I think that Dirk thinks he's the last dragon just because none of the other dragons are trying to get in contact with him. Yeah, if people stop talking to you, it doesn't mean they're dead. I am the last dragon. If there were any other dragons, I would know. I'm on all the dragon fora.

I'm on all the dragon fauna. I'm on, I know where the dragons congregate. I've been to the dragon hole. No dragons. Dragons gone. Last dragon. Dirt. Maybe we need to model some better behavior for Dirt.

Here, I'll take these two sticks. Hello, I love you. I love you too. Now I shall transform mine So into an amazing panakata. Oh, I love you so much. I'll transform into the form of an eagle And I shall drop that panakata into a volcano And now we explode. I don't know that we're really like if he's looking for, I don't know if he's looking for social examples of like leaving the house and getting out there.

I don't think we're helpful. You don't? I like that. I caught a story. What was that all about? Was there a card in that story? Did you say Panna Carta? The Panna Carta, which was the document

that established all of Dragon Law. Oh. Oh yes, the panacarta, everyone knows it well. So many important rules and laws were just signed into being for the first time. And then, oh, I've heard about the thing that established all the rules of undead dragons, the Panda cardicon. Worth it, maybe not. Hmm. Dirk, a little while ago, you mentioned

that you would fly over a village and see the ways that people betrayed each other or failed to connect or never seem to get what they want. And it seemed that there was a feeling of melancholy that you would then follow up by destroying the entire village. I mean, I'm obligated by the laws of the Pantecartitude to have destroyed the village, whether or not everyone was happy or not.

But I did feel a certain common cause with the sadness of men and to a lesser extent elves, dwarves seemed sort of emotionally stunted. And that feeling of commonality made me, I mean, not regret burning them alive and stealing their carts, but it was, it gave me pause. It made me reflect on my own life. Things that happened to me as a young dragon. We're right on the edge of a breakthrough. But as with men and elves and other living creatures, I am condemned to loneliness and and sorrow, and my collections. I feel like maybe you're just a dude that is afraid of putting himself out there.

I've put myself out there planning. Yeah, I mean, Arnie, I can see his genitals. He's not wearing clothes. He's a little sweatpants, but they're very thin. Yeah. That's what pants don't fit. They keep sliding down. Look, I'm sorry, Derby, I don't say that with judgment.

I see a lot of myself in you more than I would like to admit. Frankly, you know, you have all of these projects and artistic pursuits surround your cave and you funnel all of that energy into those things instead of just like flying out into the world and connecting with other real creatures. It's too much risk, it's too hard, and it's too dangerous. There's of all the dangers that Dragon's face, which are not very many because we are the most magnificent creatures,

and your petty human magic is hardly affects us at all, but there are dangers, whether volcanoes and hurt, which is to say, heart hurt, whether volcanoes and heart hurt are the main dangers for dragons. Whether volcanoes, heart hurt, famine, famine is bad. It's no good to know. Indigestion can cause a lot of trouble for dragons. Never me, never me, but as you get older, dragon, as you get older, it's harder to pee, which becomes like a major problem, I think,

for the, for the, my children's dragons, older than me. But heart hurt, heart hurt is the thing for the my children dragons, older than me. But hard hurt, hard hurt is the thing that has killed more dragons than any other. And I'm not willing to put myself out there again, not after what happened to me. I mean, Dirk, you do you. I don't want to, but I don't know. You're just doing this weird, these weird dioramas in your, in your cave and not communicating with people. You're like the Harvey Darger of dragons. Like you're creating your own weird little fancy world there,

and that's not healthy. You can't just like talk to make believe characters all the time. You gotta get out there and really be in the world. No, wrong. All right, let's just get to my sex doll. What's this? That's gotta take you know how they sell those giant dragon sex dolls? They do?

Of course, we are. They come in the mail, they're all rolled up, so you get a rolled doll, and you unfold it, and you live out your childhood fantasies. And for dragons, they have to get the BFG, which is the big fucking guy, which is the biggest model they sell. Oh, you can also get the giant peach. I looked into this a long time ago and they're illegal in my jurisdiction.

Oh, you don't want to get your willy-wankered? Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, to be fair, I have heard that the role dolls have a bit of a problematic past, but it's neither here nor there. It's so sad to hear that most dragons die of heartbreak. It's the one thing people misunderstand the most about dragons.

We're very sensitive to feelings. The goddesses have to put some weakness in all creatures to make us lesser than otherwise I would be a god, like all dragon folk would be if not for this one vulnerability which is death by sadness. Dirk, for what it's worth, I mean we don't know you terribly well but I love you. Hmm, that's not what you want to hear back. I mean, I look I don't want to throw the L word around but I think you're

interesting, you're definitely beautiful. Well, yeah, I don't want to throw the L word around, but I think you're interesting. You're definitely beautiful. Well, yeah, I appreciate that. You're sporty, you're stylish. These carts are amazing. Everything's well preserved. That's nice. You display it wonderfully. The trail around your house, you kept clear.

Thank you. Thanks for noticing. You left the feet off the adventure you ate, much like the tail on a shrimp, which is impressive. Yeah, you know what I mean? They've been on the ground. Well, yeah like the tail on a shrimp, which is impressive. Yeah, well you don't wanna eat the feet. They've been on the ground. Well, yeah, and the boots are crunchy, gets stuck in your teeth.

I'm uncomfortable with this amount of praise. I mean, I appreciate it and I like being acknowledged, but I just feel that too much praise, and then you just are, you have an obligation. Too much praise and then you're obligated to respond with the praise and kind and that just starts you down a cycle of social obligation and pretty soon you're there.

You have to go over and do your dinner and then you feel like you have to have a dinner and pretty soon just to thank you, thank you for your nice, your kind words, but you're welcome And I expect nothing in return Dirtful, what's I mean? You talk about you talk about obligation and being you know discomfort What to you Dirt is the perfect date if you know met someone, what would be a perfect date for Dirk? Not in an idealistic, you know, uniform way,

but specific to you, what's your perfect date, Dirk? I went on a perfect date once. Oh, can we hear more about it? He's just staring into the fire. She was the leader of the most brilliant band of girl dragons. Sorry, I don't know about that. Was that her? No, that's just another talking stone from some adventurer that's over there.

Everyone's throwing out of the wall, I say something and it just answers as though I asked it a question I never do. How many stones and jewels today have tried to start a conversation with you besides us? Oh, it happens all the time. It's one of the problems with eating adventurers. They all seem to have some magic stone or talking staff or jingle stick. Something around here making noise. I think I'm forming a new theory about why Derp is so cranky and doesn't want to interact with people.

I think he's getting a lot of robo calls. Like he's just constantly, he's just constantly getting, people reaching out via magical rocks and stones. Well, and people, the adventurers coming around here all the time, it's like I'm on some kind of adventurer call list. They come and they see the cards and they're like, oh well, maybe I'll go move. Ooh, look at this card. Ooh, just unattended cards all around.

You said, or can I ask, is there like a, there's gotta be some kind of way that you can get your name taken off of the adventure list. I don't think so. Well, I suppose if you started, I don't know. I don't have any stake in this, but if you did good, and perhaps, you know, saved village or fought off evil, then perhaps adventures would stop trying to slay you. Did you ever think about that? There's your self interest right there in your face, Dragon. Do you have this vision of Foonware? Everyone lives in harmony, and dragons are just some sort of big domestic

dog who guard your petty villages and care about your stupid world other than your magnificent carts and are happy and accept dinner invitations and had a girlfriend once. Well that's not the world, my friends. You really have a thing against dinner. I for many years lived on on Soil and Toulon. It was all I needed. The wonderful Soil and Taffoon. Soil and that's people. Well, that's right. After I ate all of the members of the Soil and Tribe, then I was back to having to survive on adventurers. You know what, guys, I just had a thought. For some reason, or do I do?

Why are you whispering? I know whispering in a room. Oh, I was just going to say we're spending all this time trying to talk Dirk and believing his cave and getting more out into the world and interacting with people. But, you know, he is a dragon. I mean, he's probably just gonna like fly around and decimate villages and towns. It's what we do.

The dragon's got a dragon. I mean, maybe it's good that he's kind of just a home dragon. He likes to hang out, tinker with his miniatures. But not always. I mean, it's not like we were on the verge of hearing more about, you said a girl dragon who was the lead singer of the number one dragon band in Foon. We, uh, do each other for a long time. I liked her a lot, but I never said anything.

Um, she was, you know, I mean, obviously not too cool for me, but like pretty cool. And it's backhanded compliment. I was cool. I think a lot of people thought I was cool, maybe cooler than sometimes I felt. And then one time we were just, we were together with a bunch of other dragons. And I don't know, I just felt bold.

I asked her out, she said, yes. We went to the dragon hole, like everybody did then. Is that? No, go ahead. And then at the end of the night, I tried to entwine tales with her as was the custom. And you know, she entwines tails with me, but I could just tell there was something, not she just wasn't that into it.

And so I withdrew my tail because I don't want to entwine tails with somebody that doesn't want to entwine tails with me. Of course. And she said that she liked me a lot, but... And from that point on, for my own self-preservation, I had to... I had to self-isolate. I couldn't feel those feelings ever again. And then... Yeah, that's dating. You went on a mediocre date. That's a date. That's just a date. Well, and then...

Well, to him it was the twine of his life. She and all the rest then flew off beyond the sea. So... You might go on a lot of dates, but that's not the dragon way. Well, very well then, I suppose there's not we can do for thee. I do wish I could bring some happiness and love into your life again, but you've your determined to die here, sad and alone. I suppose there's not we can do but wait. And then once we're out of the shattering, we'll find him and we'll slay him ourselves

and take all of his wonderful riches. Shhh! Wait, you said all this time you've been pretending to try to help this dragon to try to get him out of his cave, but really, you just want his riches? No, I wasn't pretending. If he turned to the side of good, I wouldn't try to slay him, but, you know, I'm an adventurer too, sort and I go forth. I'm not some good fair knight who goes on quests, such as they are required to do by their leash, but I, from time to time, have assisted

county or hamlets besieged by a dragon. Yeah, chunt dragon. Yeah, yeah, I just figured it out. No need to whisper. No, I think you hear me, I'm sure of it. I can't hear them. Did you see how Yusidor was eyeing all those carts? Yusidor is really into those carts. If we talk dirt and leaving his cave, Yusidor is gonna get those carts

and he won't fucking stop talking about them. We're gonna have to deal with him talking about the carts all the time. A wizard with a collection is the worst thing in food. I know, just another thing for him to list endlessly. Oh, they want to, can I show you this? Hey, can I show you this? Did you see this?

Fuck, no. Okay, we have to, what's the gay play in Arnie? I think, I think, just follow my lead. Dirk, you know what? I think you're good. I think you gotta keep on keeping on, and you gotta do you. Yeah, you gotta.

Dirk, ooh, dude. Ooh, dude, you, do, you. This has been an extremely annoying experience this talking rock, and you have gotten me to remember all these sad memories and your asshat friend has coveted my cards. Well I'm not coveting your cards. I just want that Thunderbird. You know, and we take this feedback seriously, but if you could still put that on Apple Podcasts as a review. Like, honestly, even like negative reviews still help.

I guess you probably don't know how to, if you ever find like an iPhone amongst your chirping rocks which one of them sounded like it, maybe if you find your way to Apple Podcasts, it always helps to rate review and subscribe. Computer, what is Apple podcasts? I'm not sure. Sorry, my talking stone has never heard of them.

Can you ask the computer if it's ever heard of Hello from the Magic Tavern? Computer, what is Hello from the Magic Tavern? Hello from the Magic Tavern, which is the first comedy podcast hosted and produced by Arnie Lee Can. Lies! Huh? What? You've got to be very magical creatures that are moving into our cabin.

What the fuck? We don't chunt interview. Wait, a fictionalized version of Nikamp? Oh, wait a second. A fictionalized version of Nikamp? Fuck this. This one, no one has been coming to try to save me. They think this is fiction? That's exactly right.

What? Chant, you think he's lying? Well, it's at a fictionalized version of Arnie. Arnie, have you been lying to us? Is this all fun and games for you? I mean, putting things on, I formerly iTunes now have a podcast is not easy. Maybe I put the wrong tag on or something. It was easy to do.

I meant to tag its serious documentary news. Important. Wait, those are real tags, right? Wait, answer me this, and you better not not lie to me because you're my best friend. Did they mean fictionalized Arnie in terms of like you're not the real Arnie, you're playing a character? Or did they mean that you're an Arnie with fictional eyes and you're wearing some sort of cover over your eyes? John, I think it's neither. I think it's neither. I should say that a lot of these stones gaslight me constantly. They say all kinds of crazy things that I know to be false, but they sound true, sound just true enough that... Okay, I believe it. I once had a stone scream brown sugar at me for an hour

and a fucking half. And I don't know why you'd play a fictional character on a podcast. It would do nothing for your career. Look, I think what we've learned in the last hour is that we should all safely retreat back into our own self-delusions. Dirt's got his cards. Fun with me.

I am my podcast. Usador's guy, whatever bullshit he's been talking about for five years. I shan't retreat into any Infictional nonsense. I shall continue on my quest to save the entire world. Oh, and I should ask Dirk Would you like to join Yusidor's quest? I mean honestly, this is more more conversation than I've had with anyone except for these magic stones in 450 years.

And it's been nice. Just to have, you know, have some companies, some people to show my cards to, not that I wanna have it happen again or ever, but hey, I don't know. We'll take nice. I know that compliments kill you. So for you to say this was nice

I mean that that means the world twice. Yeah I mean if you okay now you're walking it back if you're well, you know what Dirk you seem to have your life that you're comfortable with Who are we to come in and shove you out of it? You know I see that you're trying to do right by me. I mean, I know it's not easy. Oh, thanks, Derp. Yeah. Well, do you mind if we check in on you again sometime?

Like not, and not anytime soon, but you know, a couple thousand years? A couple thousand years, we'll just check in and make you see how you're doing. Just make sure that the takeout containers haven't piled up too high. If you wanted to come see the carts. I guess. I guess. Well, thank you for the imitation. I can't wait to come see the cart. I'm not sure about him though. I think the gas hat's got to wait out on the trail.

Derb, none of us are sure about him. You heard it directly from the all-knowing computer folks. Fictional. No need to ever again say computer tell me about food. Food is a real place that occupies the 37th plane of existence. What is that doing on? Pay no attention to that. Food is totally real.

Why do you keep lying about it? Okay, putting that to sleep. That's a computer I left on the Give Me Wrong Information setting. Ignore it. Wait, no I think I used to be alive. No you're not. Why would you say that? Where were we?

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant of the Sea Wolf was played by Adolf Refy. Durp the Dragon was played by special guest John Roderick from the band The Long Winters. John also has several podcasts he makes including Roderick on the Line, Roadwork, Omnibus with Ken Jennings, and friendly fire. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy. Do all of them pull their weight equally? Oh, if slack private chatrooms could talk, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Please just tell me, was I a FedEx delivery person who you trapped in a computer because I said your cape looked tacky? Of course not, I would be incapable of that kind of cruelty. Well no regrets because that is one tacky ass cape dude. Well in that case you can just stay in there. I might even shove you in an iPod Nano. Bring it on.