Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 45 - Baron Emeritus

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

An accidental encounter with Baron Ragoon leads to some new discoveries about the Shattering. Also, Chunt's voice changes.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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What's stopping you? Maybe stop waiting for permission for everything. Well, I'm back at the Institute, and it's another week for our protagonist-type folks enduring what they call, uh, let's see here. The smattering. No, that's not right. The happening. No, that's where trees start killing people, but then you find out everyone was living

in an Amish theme park the whole time. Except Paul Giamatti, who's busy falling in love with a pool toy. Something like that. Ah, yes, the shattering. As inaccurate as it is, basic. Uh-huh. Incoming broadcast detected, frequency resonator active. Compelling storyline indicator, barely glowing. That's everything I need to know. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! Remote Edition. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune.

I'm your host Arnie Neekamp if you've not listen to the podcast before. This is some of the things you need to know. Over five years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Oh, getting winded. Oh, I just haven't been getting the exercise that I usually get since we've been sort of trapped in this way.

Anyway, I fell through dimensional portal. I record a podcast, chronicling our quest at a Feet the Dark Lord. Unfortunately, I have been separated from my co-hosts, but we communicate via magical crystal using Roon, and I am joined, as always, by my co-host. He used to be a talking badger, he is a shapeshifter. Last week, he was a sea wolf, but this week, I'm gonna hit.

I gotta hit this finger, this Roon. Chunk the shapeshifter. Helloifter hello boss can you hear me oh did I get did I get the wrong oh no this is chan this is chan here chanth boss I got turned into a sea urchin you got turned into a sea urchin that's right I'm a little boy with that of clothes and a little hat and I almost see urchin, oh, got a snipe. Extra, extra, read all about it. Shape, shift, it turns into sea urchin.

Wow. This is huge, John. This is the first time any of your shape shifting has had even a little bit of an effect on your vocals, isn't it? Yeah, it, isn't it? It also seems like it's maybe affected your brain? No. No.

You're going full-sea urchin brain. No. My head is fine, boss. I'm not bonkers. I'm normal. I hate when people call me boss. I hate when people call me. I hate when people call me. Hey, big man.

No, that's not as bad, but it's close. It's me. You're a good friend. In all my nature. Yeah, you are. Well, I guess I gotta start fingering this other room. I gotta get my other codes. Oh, leave this sorted details out of it, will you? Hey, I'm your boss. Oh, that's right. Both. I am also joined by Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor or Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights. The power of chaos.

Trepion of the great halls of Turukus. The elves nobius fying Alec. The dwarves nobius Joan and Inuxtengi. Or a calm down in the old beast. As gasmweinius may star. And there may be No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Matt over there. Oh, hey boss man. Is that me? You tough guy. You tough guy. You think it's a tough big guy. I'm trying to figure out the order. Extra, extra boss man, things say you tough. I definitely hate being called boss and boss man the most. But it's a tall guy and tough guy. How about champ? How about champ?

Champs, all right. I feel like champ is more of a horse name. I don't know what makes me think that. A train. A train, no. What, you don't even more of a horse name. I don't know what makes me think that a train a train No, what you don't even know what a train is what is a train on food? You told you told us about trained you said there was that we should watch that movie Yeah, you say oh

How to train your dragon It's a porn. No, you said there was one Where everyone went went running out of the theater because the train came right at them. Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first movie that reminds me. So one of these days what we got to do is we got to get some movies, some earth movies, some moving pictures which are going to blow your guys's minds. And we just got to riff on those things.

I know we do a serious documentary podcast, but we should sometimes just take a break and do a funny one Where we just make up some jokes about some movies. Oh, sounds like premium content to me. So just a bunch of riff tracks? Yeah, you can call whatever you want. Do I sound great? Well, I have been working diligently this week to find some...

...manor of escape from this situation we find ourselves in now. I could sense the mach find ourselves in now. I could have sensed the machinations coming in there. Yes, of course. I have been machinating about my machinations yet. Here, I have done something else. I've reached out. Yes, yes, and I have asked all of the mighty scholars andes and and wise men and women of the different peoples of the world and ask them to come together and share their thoughts in a symposium Use it or cut the shit. Oh, he's back.

What? He's back on it. It is return of the machinations. Use it or I, you know, I have known you for five years and a few months now. I'm, I can tell, I can read you like a book. You come into these meetings so hot, like with what you've been working on, I can tell, you're practically sweating. I know that you didn't do shit all week,

and then you're like, oh, fuck, it's time for the podcast. And you're like, oh, oh, what did I do? I, uh, I'll come up with something that I'm working on. Do I summon? It's a switch you turn on and off, isn't it? I'm such a bad impression. No.

Well, here, here. I tell you now, we can join our minds with some of the greatest minds in all of Fung to work on this problem together right now during this episode. That means is this something that could become like a guest opportunity? This could be the greatest episode Arnold that you have ever produced of your podcast, tapping not into just one single mind, but to the group mind of all of the most intelligent, learned and magical peoples of Foon. The greatest episode we've ever done,

but has it my accent already fucked that? Hmm, right. Didn't already fuck it up with this accent. A little bit. I don't know, I disagree. I think you're quite charming. And here, here, I'm going to use my magic to send you this coin.

Ooh. Thank you. Oh, it fell in my palm. Just like a little leaf. It flew down into my palm. Thank you, so oh it fell in my palm just like a little leaf it flew it down into my palm Thank you, sir. Let me take off my hat and ring it in my and my hand so you know how troubled I am what days are today Chant what sir it's fleur's day. It's not too late then Quick go and buy the biggest fleur's day bird you can find. Well, sir, I'm on a beach. I thought that coin was... I thought that coin was his and then...

Give me that coin back. What? No! Give me that back! No! No! I've got it! I'm sorry, Chant, but if you can't buy the bird, then you can't have the coin.

First, no parents, no this. This is awful. Do you have parents? Oh, sorry. It's just ever since I became a street urchin. I can't help but feel like I'm someone else. You said or should we be worried about Chant? This has never happened when he shifted before. Don't be worried. Oh, I'm fine. Call Blimey, I swear I'm fine.

He sounds fine to me. Sounds like Winky Silks or whatever the fuck is name was. Oh yeah, lovey. Or, blindy indeed, let us have the greatest episode. Despite Chun's current accent, I suspect he won't even be able to sustain it through the entire episode, so it doesn't even matter. Oh, you're saying that he'll start to slowly shift back. He'll like shift back.

Yes, yes, he'll revert to his natural state all the time. It's just the nature of the beast. Yeah, now, let's all touch a room together. Don't finger it, just touch it. Okay, what's the difference? And think about the greatest minds in food working together towards a common goal. Yes, and we shall then soon be in contact

with those who are attempting to help us. That's a very abstract thing to think about. It's a very abstract thing. Hello. This is Yusuf Dora sending my voice out into the void, looking for anyone who can assist. Will you join this symposium of brains to now let us all come this great tragedy together? Hello, hello, is there anybody out there? We're uh, we're, we're closed.

We're closed. I'm sorry? That sounds familiar. We're closed. We're cold. Please come back after lunch. Oi? When you're open, what do you do?

I'm sorry, I can't quite make, you need to move your runes so I can see your face. Oh, uh, no, you don't, you don't need to see my face here, but you've reached the bus stop for all your bus needs, but we are, we are closed till after lunch. Oh no. I see what's happening here. Bus stop. I can't see the face of the person holding the rune, but they seem to be wearing a lot

of finery. I tried to reach out to all the greatest minds that Foon has ever had, and of course it took us to the bust stop, where there are many busts of some of the greatest figures from Foonish history, the greatest minds. Oh, some of the greatest bust of all time, like Queen Titania. Exactly. Well, if you leave a message, we will soon appreciate your custom. And if you leave a message, we will get back to you shortly. That's why that's so familiar. Yes, I was just thinking that.

So what is your name? Gugratax Jones? No, not Gugratax Jones? No, not Gratax Jones. Um, uh, uh, John, uh, bustminship? It's already. Sometimes I forget my own name, too. Yeah, let's give him some time to find a scrap of paper with that written down on it. Let's be cool, Joel.

All right, you got me. Gratax Jones is dead. First of all, John Bustman has secretly been Gratax Jones Jones famous adventurer. I discovered that, and I have, uh, came here to, uh, well, I've successfully murdered him. So Grathek's Jones slash John Bustman is no longer with us. We will not be getting to you after a long time. We were just talking to him seconds ago.

Though the rune just started bringing, and I've been, been... I got bored and I answered it. Who is this? So hold on. So one of the greatest adventurers in all of Finn. Are you joking to buy a bust? Probably. I don't have the money. But Grantax Jones has been pretending to be John Bustman.

I think it's the other way around. Oh, right? Your voice is sound very familiar. Your voice sounds very familiar. All right, I'm turning on the visual aspect of this. Oh... Ah! Oh! Oh!

I can't... Oh! Oh! Dear Meevaldoer. I have come here To smite thee though I cannot through this room, but know that I am on your tail Baron Ragoon. It's Randy Ragoon. Usador Darnie

A small boy. Hello My name's my name's Chant and oh Chant of course Chant Ah, more names, more names, Chant, isn't it? Oh, Chant, of course, Chant. Oh! Shangle birth, Ragon, disgraced barren of the Shrike Valley! Oh, use the door, the blue, misguided wizard, railing at the dark lord, the unstoppable tide of evil. Oh, wait, are Jamie and Seimi here? Pardon?

Are your children Jamie and Sammy here? Are you saying here is in where I am or here is where you are? On this, on this, here is I. Oh no, no one's so scary, you said he was like, Jamie and Sammy, yeah, they are there with you. Oh, I know. Okay, alright, fugh! We can talk to you then.

What are you doing at the bus stop? What are you doing calling the bus stop? What are you doing calling the bus stop? I was reaching out to the greatest minds of food and they got jumbled up and I took me to a bunch of old statues. Oh, uh, I was here to, uh, to murder Grathex Jones, posing as John Bustman. He was posing as John Bustman. I didn't give my name when I came in. I wasn't posing as anyone.

John Bustman is a good alias. Now, hey, why did you murder this man? I must take an umbrage at that. Well, it was an assignment. You know, an assignment from a home. You've, you've, uh, shit the bed, my friend. You are no longer capable of doing evil deeds, unless you are some little, high women who goes from town to town,

killing people and taking their money. Yeah, I hate to bring up bad memories for you, Randy. But last time we saw you, we pulled off a pretty good switcheroo on you where we blew up a hog's face and got everyone in hog's, out of being imprisoned. Oh, I really succinctly explained that, didn't I? Oh, don't you think that my ignominious defeat at your hands has haunted my waking hours, waking and sleeping hours since last we met. True.

You're having waking pants, Arden? Yeah, isn't that ignominious on your face? We got you. Yes, yes. I was defeated. I am not too proud to admit that your ruse... your ruse destroyed me. It destroyed me. Oh, it destroyed me.

My grand scheme to destroy Earth using the Penalope failed. The weapon was destroyed. The Dark Lord. With Drew his support from me. And then somebody said their name and a meteor shower fell on me. The Conflagration. I still don't know how I survived. But, uh... But yes, you speak to me now a Baron Reborn. What? Yes. You have a Baron and Shrike Valley once again? Well, I mean, how in depth do you want to get here?

Well, you mean you're working for the Dark Lord again? Yes. Oh no! First, I wandered food, waking up, amnesiac, in a brownie village where they took me in

and treated me as their own until eventually my memory returned and I knew who and what I was. Wait, you woke up and amnesiac? Is that what you said? Oh, yes. I don't know what I was. What, you woke up in a mnesh yak? Is that what you said? Yes. I don't know what that word means. I'm just a kid, eh? What's that mnesh yak mean? Child education. You are now, explain that word to Chant. Ah, alright, Chant, I mean one is lacking long-term memories, such as who they are, what they've done,

what their favorite Barry is, and it all needs to be discovered again. What words mean? What words you used to know me now you don't know him? Oh, no, I got it. Carry on. Then, when I remembered what had happened to me, I wandered fune, disgraced, and realized that the dark lord had taken control of the strike valley from me and had

given it to my children Jamie and Sammy They now rule the valley Oh, no, but just when I thought I could sink no lower. I found an ally Do you recall drip fang daila sparay? Oh, of course, yes, he put that sword right through on it. You see the sword that's still in on it? Yeah, I am. Oh, fucking pissed about it. He stabbed me with a sword.

It's still in there? Yeah. Yeah, it's still in there. What? I thought you were wearing a brooch. It's the sword is still in there. You must see some big broaches. How about this number here, huh?

Whoa! I thought that was a dagger! Nope, that's just a traveling broach even. Oh, do you want to know a little fun fact that us urchins now? Broaches can survive almost anything. You can step on a broach, you can try and magic it away, lighten on fire. Broaches still survived. You know sometimes I think about how when we're all dead broaches will still be here. You know if I save up enough money one day I'm gonna bar me a cock broach.

Broaches before hoaches. Okay, just think how great that would be if hoaches was a thing. Uh-huh. All right. Well I'm glad we decided to approach this subject, but... I must know, if you are still working for the Dark Lord, but no longer bear enough the Shrike Valley, then... What are you?

Well, I'm glad you asked. I'll go ahead and do a little glot. Uh, disgraced, broken, ripped from my privilege and nobility, I sought to regain the Dark Lord's favor. Drip Fang and I began a tour of Mayhem, and created our own podcast. Thank you very much. Everybody's doing it now. Ah, that's right.

I saw this on Arnold's devices, and it made me so furious that they allowed an evil podcast to be created! Well, whatever... AirSnet powers you draw from this podcast are now hours. Sorry, what's AirSnet? I don't know that would I, though. Oh, uh... Yeah, explain it for Chuck! I-I know it! We know it! Yeah, we all know it.

So is air stat like the number of stats that air has? Well, there may be multiple meanings, but, uh, well, look, use the door, why don't you explain it? You know, it's sort of, uh-huh. Um, okay. Oh, sorry, my nose is dripping. Let me wipe my nose. I'll just smear the subtle over my face. Oh, let's all just have a laugh at that. What a charming young child.

Well, anyway, then, victory. We so impressed the Dark Lord that not only have I been welcomed back into the Darkfold, I have been elevated. Wait! So much so that he believes it better to leave Jamie and Sami administering the small Shrike Valley and is asking me to undertake matters of greater importance, such as cracking down potential heroes and murdering them, as I did with Gratex Jones. So you're no longer a Baron, you're just a murderer. I'm a Baron Emeritus.

But we've been working with the Dark Lord's team, you know, Squibbert is kind of consulting on it, on like maybe like my brand now is I'm Shrike Valley legend. Like the official word is that I'm dead, but then I will be spotted occasionally, like showing up at Crossbro. Sand. Yeah, and offering dark prophecies. And then the legend of me will grow even greater.

So can I ask, I've always been curious, how do these sorts of spottings work? Like do you have to like schedule them in advance or do you just trust that you'll periodically be spotted? Uh, you know sometimes you're you know when you're going out to be seen. Yeah. Yeah I've spent weeks just data crossroads kind of hiding in the bushes waiting for someone to show up hoping that I could roads kind of hiding in the bushes, waiting for someone to show up, hoping that I could declare something and make a big splash. But you just have to wait at the crossroad until someone happens by and then make a big deal about it.

I mean, I will say it helps if you know your crossroads. Like, yeah, you don't want to do that in a valley or a fifdom that you've never been to. You don't know how much traffic that crossroads gets. But I know Strike, like the back of my torso. It has every road I know, you know, when or that's kind of far. The back of your torso, sorry, that was a little late, but the back of your torso? How well do you know the back of your torso? About as well as I know the roads of Shrike.

Uh, so like... Like sometimes I'll look at him and I'll be like, Is that... Is that Dundalbury's road? Yeah, yeah, yeah it is. That's Dundalbury's road. Is that hill by that road bigger than it was before or is it the same size? I gotta keep my eye on that hill.

Oh yeah, you do not want, and sometimes like that, there was nothing growing out of that hill before. That hill's red now, that's not good. Yeah. You also don't want a cross road that's too busy. Uh, because then everyone sees you and they're like, well that's just some guy yelling at the cross road. I've been to a bunch of cross roads and everyone's hanging around, waiting to sell their soul so they can mess the rock and roll. Oh yeah. Did you do that chunt?

No. It, air stat, wouldn't have done it. I mean, the worst thing is you're delivering a portent at the crossroad and then more travelers show up mid portent and it, it really deflates things. And then the other thing is if you want to be spotted at a crossroads, like when your other places that are not cool, is that like extra nerve wracking, like you don't want to be spotted

coming out of a bathroom. I mean, I'm going to be honest, I've only done this like twice now. And speaking of, I want camp in once and I don't have any family to speak of, but the people I was with, they had a portent. Rain went right through it. You know, at first the voice made me wonder if this was the same shot, but it clearly is. He has tails. Yes, sometimes his tails are a little ghost, but we love him all the same.

Ah, no, it's very important to me, uh, you happen to be at this bust stop at the exact time of the shattering. Oh, that was just a poor bit of luck actually. Oh. I will say that given the opportunity if I knew you call it the shattering, what are you calling it? The fragmenting. Oh, that is good. The shattering has got a little, it's almost like... Oh, it's brilliant. It's got a little feces in it, you know what I mean?

I did not see that, no. No, I hear what you're saying. But fragmenting describes what you end up with, fragments. Whereas shattering, you know, implies we know the cause was a shatter. And, I mean, but of course, you know, the secrets we have of, as to the cause of the fragmenting, are not ours to share with you. You guys know, do you know what happened? Well, we have many insights, yes,

and we have done a great deal, magical research and asked them the brightest and best people in all of food, what they think. You said, or, okay, if you're like, cool, do I say, a machination. I've got this. That is your tale. Yeah, whatever he said.

Eh, stat. Oh, well, I mean, good luck with your machinations. It would be a shame if perhaps another greater wizard outmachinated you. Oh, well, I die down to happen for this new greater wizard than you said all. Oh, well, we did here, you said it, don't forget, we did here that Spentax is back in Foon, so he's like a, isn't he a greater?

Yeah, let's give him a chance to speak. Which of the 50 Wizards is it? I speak of course of his numerous majesty, the Dark Lord. Oh, could have been. Any Wizard greater than you said or any 50 of them, it's the Dark Lord, the one that heads most. Disgraced Wizard, I tell the Baron, I say unto thee, I insist that you share your knowledge that you have with us, so that we may solve this magical claticism together.

I still want to know what Numinus means, but I feel like I missed my window. Hello, Numinus. Well, why don't we take a quick break? And I'll go, I think there is a dictionary here in this schoolhouse. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna look up Numinus. And there's Stats and Ghost. Great, we'll be right back after this break.

break. And we're back babies. Oh yeah, hey, we're back. Chant how are you? I'm good. Everybody's looking at me weird. What's going on? Well, you totally changed your manner and affect. Oh, weird.

Yeah. I looked in the water just a moment ago, and I realized that I'm still in the body of a little boy urchin, but my head is now a bachelors head. And I think I found something out, guys. I think the one way for me to revert back to being a bachelors is for me to try. If I put out an accent or try any sort of fun intonation, I resort back to a bachelors, isn't that fun? I, well, it's good to know your limitations

and to understand the nature of your powers. It's like my body's telling me I couldn't sustain an accent. So tell me, Chant, as a shape shifter, you were lost control of shape shifting due to the fragmenting, the shatter. Yeah, ever since I've been here on this beach I've well I've lost control. Yeah, that's right of my shape shifting and actually when I was just a sea urchin A moment ago it felt like I lost some semblance of myself like I'm shape shifting so often that I'm starting to lose my identity

Uh-huh. Was I calling Arnie Boss? Yes you were. Oh. And Arnie. Oh, hey, sorry. Sorry, sorry, I stepped away for a second. I found it luminous, full of, or shedding light, bright or shining, especially in the dark. So I learned the definition of luminous.

Some more, you know. Who said luminous? You said luminous, right? I said, luminous. Some more, you know. Who said luminous? You said luminous, right? I said luminous. Oh, fuck her. Oh, fuck her. Right, well, that's my question of whether the fragmenting has affected people from Earth any differently.

You seem exactly the same. Well, Baron, as I said before the break, I insist that you share your information with us so that we together may find some solution to this problem that does plague us all. And I insist that you do not give me some similacrum or some replacement or some double ganger of the information, but the real information I shall not stand for some sort of replacement. Okay, sorry. Found it. Numerous. Great number of many. I now know the definition of numerous.

I'll talk. I'll share my information. Just stop. Honestly, I don't know what's going on. Oh, neither do we. Oh, what, I don't know what's going on. Oh, neither do we. Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a relief. Oh, thank you. Thank the Gauntlet. Oh, we're all idiots. Yeah. Bruce the sky gaunt. Oh, yeah, I could barely read. I've been rifeling through this dictionary. Right. Well, everyone, hold on a second. You can barely read. Wait, what are we talking about? You've always been able to read as far as I know. You want to be a good at it. I didn't say I can't read.

I said I can, but you're not good. But you're not good. Yeah. You can't even read and you are running book clubs. Yeah. Look, when the next time we have a book club, we'll invite you. But I suspect this is why I'd never found out

what a snub-nosed motorboat is. You know what? We've been trapped here for weeks and weeks and weeks and it never occurred to us that we should do a book club. Oh yeah, we sure do. And already the fact that maybe you can't read makes a lot of sense now because remember the time when you made me that shirt that says I'm Oh, you're so fucking stupid. Chant, can I ask you a question? Uh-huh. I'm worried about I. Oh, me too. He does a lot of things that you remember?

Yeah. He seems to not remember. Yeah, I feel like every once in a while I'll drop in a little anecdote, just a little bit of like, hey, remember when? Yeah. And his eyes always glaze over and then he goes real slow like he goes Oh, yeah, oh yeah, and then I'll just repeat what I say he does do that. Yeah, here. Let me hey You should are yeah, I'm gonna make up a memory and see what he does. Okay, great. Hey Arnie It's boss. Please. Hey boss. Yeah, no, it doesn't sound right. Hey Arnie remember that time

When you and I arm wrestled Yeah, and I won sure yeah that happened when we arm wrestled Come to this side of room Why did it just agrees? Yeah, have you say exactly? Why is he why is he over pronouncing arm wrestled? I don't know he understands. Why did it just degrees you have you say? Exactly, why is he over-pronouncing corn-result? I don't know, it's very strange. Uh, hey Arnie, uh, do you remember when, uh, I asked you to pledge your fieldsy to the dark lord? And you did so? Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Damn it, that makes me mad, because I was about to do the same thing, but for good! Too slow, you said door. You said door. I think it's open-scenes. The quickest wizard on Infoon is clearly the Dark Lord and his minions. Everyone knows the quickest wizard and Foon is the Scarlet Speedster.

I thought the quickest wizard was Quizzard. No, that's the wizard who's really good at answering questions. Oh, I thought that was trivia's erad or was that trivial percise uh... trivia trivia is erad is is a one that's uh... a good sugar substitute uh... that's i'm i'm sorry guys i haven't been paying attention i know i played it off

pretty well uh... i've been looking through this whole book i could not find new me repaced anywhere, so... I think Randy's just making up names. It's Shanklbroth. Errgh! Boundon Agun! If the Dark Lord...

Have you been in contact with the Dark Lord since the fragmentation? Uh, well, yes, via... via Roon. We have, uh, had one meeting. And I know that he is working hard, hard on the case. You know, just as we are all trapped in these crystalline fragments, he... The fragments are so much better. He is probe-probe-probing against the edge of the barrier. Just every day, probe-probe-probe-probe-probe-probe-probe. And truly, his, his, his,

bro, will yield some information. It sounds, it sounds like the dark Lord is doing just a shit of job as you use it or now hold on a second. I've been tapping every part of the barrier that surrounds me looking for a weakness and I attempted to reach out to all the greatest minds and that granted winter little sideways.

But that doesn't mean my search shant continue. And what we have learned is the dark Lord is not responsible for the shattering. We know not where it did come from, it may be just some natural occurrence. You know, every hundred years or so, some crazy ass magical bullshit happens here in the land of Foo. What was the last one? What happened 100 years ago? Oh, about a hundred dead, who was actually 110 years ago.

We were all trapped inside of a giant dog for 10 years. Everybody, everyone, all we were all in the same dog for 10 years Everybody everyone all we are all in the same dog So for 10 years my personal could be worse. Yeah, it could be worse and it was crowded It smelled like a dog when it got wet. It smelled even worse. You know what? I'm going to say I'm gonna jump in here and say wet dog is a good smell Evil bad take evil if I have ever heard it I'm going to jump in here and say, wet dog is a good smell. That evil! Bad take! Evil if I have ever heard it.

That take. And, and Shunt, you said your parents? They told you about? How my parents? I think my parents, when they were kids, grew up inside a dog, and they were talking about how tough it was on them and how I should be thankful for all I have. And I think the only way they eventually got over it, all of the food was they had to fure the cliff.

They had to fure the big red cliff. Fure it? And once they did that, I think it all went back to normal. That's right. It turned out that too much magic had been used. And so there was sort of this regression of magic that put us into this simplified form. And we call it the great Duggression.

So then what happened a hundred years before that? About a hundred years before that. All of the stars in the sky turned into bananas. The bananas all were full of potassium and everyone had an iron deficiency. That one wasn't so bad. I don't, yeah. That one sounds okay, because you know what? Don't so bad. I don't, yeah. That one sounds okay, because you know what, don't love bananas.

And tell them about what happened 420 years ago with the blazing. Oh, during the blazing, everyone got lit. We were all stoned out of our brains. We couldn't even see straight for a hundred days. Pretty wild, huh? Or any what happens on earth every hundred years? I don't know, like people make t-shirts.

Like, and that's a tragedy? You know, on my world, I was born on the bicentennial of the country that I was born into. Oh, 200 years. My country had only existed 200 years. Wow, bicentennial, the year of the Buffalo. Was that the year of President Teddy Roosevelt and his pet guinea pig fighting Bob Evans? What? Tell it to Quizzard.

Now look, Ony, I'm sorry that Chant and the Baron Ragoon chimed in there, but I'm so waiting for this story to get interesting. Oh, the one about the B bicentennial? Uh-huh. Yeah, it tells about the year of the Buffalo. Ah, boy, so I was born. And then, you know, a lot of stuff happened, and then I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger.

Look at the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, which is in the country that was 200 years old. Stop playing stupid, we know. Come on Arning, fast. So how many years old is your country now? Assuming it still exists, I believe it is 240 some years old. So it makes you 40 some years old.

Yeah, God. I wish I could remember either of those two numbers. Exactly. I mean, look, I know within a range of a couple of years, I am like 40 years and some change of years. Well, how does it you don't know your own age? Look, your only is old as the guy that's, I don't have anything here. Hahaha.

So, Arnie, were you born somewhere around the time that the man with the huge biceps went to the white rock in the sky? Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm, yep. You said arm strong went to the moon? Yeah, arm strong went to the moon. Okay, so that was around four years ago,

when you were born. Yeah. And you said you remember where you were when John Napkin and Dee was assassinated? Yeah, I was, I was nothing. It's easy to remember. Oh, you have value. You're nothing now, you're all, you're all nothing.

A lot of you. The dark lord, he's gonna figure the way out of this. And maybe he'll even figure out how to leave you all in your fragments. Blah blah blah. The dark lord is everything. We are nothing. We're tired of hearing this.

Yeah. Baron, they should call this event the leveling because you know, it's clear that we are doing exactly the same as you. Yeah, yeah. In the case of the probe V-Tap, they're both the same, okay? And list the bait, probe V-Tap. I had such great hopes for you, Baron.

Even though we tricked you so ignominiously upon a great destruction of the town of Hogsface, when I sent those eagles in to save you, I'd hoped he would turn you to the side of good. Wait, you saved the bear? I've been investing in the bear in for a while because I think I have to turn one evil person around. That's the key to our success is to really recruit one of them to our side. And then... Well, I kind of need that.

That's a kind of wasted energy. No, no, no. See, what's gonna happen is, one of these people will look up and they'll realize, oh goodness, a love should have been in my heart the entire time, and evil isn't the path, and that open up the the path to our inevitable success What if you invested that energy into someone who wanted to do good? I've been trying to do that with you Arnold and it's not doing any fucking good either Someone that's not lazy. Well, I'm doing I have multiple things going on

You know, I'm investing in people who want to be good. I'm investing in evil people who I want to turn good. I'm investing in magical scrolls and reading ancient texts and learning unknowable un-arche knowledge, and I'm trying to put together a symposium of geniuses to overcome this shattering. And I am also trying like hell to tap on the edge of this thing and figure out what is going on I have a lot on my inflate Well, why don't you guys just team up? Sorry about that Why don't you just team up? What?

Baron, Yusador, Dark Lord Yusador? I am shook by the revelation that you Yusador is the one who rescued me from your that you use the door. It's the one who rescued me from your conflagration of name. But, but no. No, there will be no cooperation. We've got. We've we've done this before. You know, with the void, it's like you at least OS one. Oh, a debt. A debt. I'll think on this debt, but, but we've got a we've got a quit putting aside our differences. We've put aside our differences too many times, honestly. The Dark Lord is supposed to be just rolling over food and crushing everyone, and we had to put everything

on hold with the void, and now there's the frag menting, and I'm just surprised stuff isn't moving along more quickly. Baron, can I ask? You said before you had one room meeting with the Dark Lord like, what's the Dark Lord been doing with his time? He's been having a lot of meetings. You know, I'm going to be honest, we actually spent most of the meeting talking about his cat.

Was it funny stuff for... Well, you know, he started talking about his minions. He was addressing us as minions and speaking about how when the fragmenting ends will be stronger than ever and then his cat kind of wandered into frame. And then we all just kind of like talked about the cat for a bit. Oh, I love that. Yeah, adorable.

It was, you know, it's on fire. It's a flaming cat. Uh-oh. That is, as I remember, that's a portend of the Dark Lord, right? Yeah. Yeah. But then it was, it licked its own butt, guys. Oh, well, I like that. Wow. This pussy's on fire. It hasn't got to hurt. Guys, I feel like our only difference is, I mean, the Dark Lord has a cat. Like, we like cats. Like, I feel like our only difference is I mean the Dark Lord has a cat like we like cats like I feel like I don't Really like cats. I feel like the the Baron's right we should set aside our differences and right now

It's not what I'm saying at all. Oh, well, I thought the only difference between us is that you're using words like you know air stat and conflagration No, I that in conflagration. No, I, we, we, okay, how about this? If we're not gonna team up, because you know what, that's a cliche, I get it. It's a cliche. Why don't we have? Here it comes.

A, yes, Arnie. Mackenations. Okay, he's reading off, he wrote something on his hand and he's trying to read it off. A race. We will have a race. I need to erase this writing on my hand. No, no, no. What are you saying, Wizard?

If we fix this problem before the dark Lord, we will prove that our way is better, that the forces of light and goodness, we O is meant to triumph O evil. If we are the first to fix the shattering, then we will prove that our path is the righteous one. Oh, all right. I see you, what you're saying. All right, I will take this grand bargain. If we can reassemble the fragmenting, then you will all agree that evil and darkness are the natural state of affairs. I accept your challenge on behalf of all wizards everywhere, and if we are defeated in this cause, all of the wizards shall become dark wizards under the flag of the Dark Lord. What a... Well, Mark used it or... I was just, I was just bored and suggested a thing to resolve this conflict. This episode is...

And, on the over soon. And, Ony and Chuncho also be sworn to your calls. I accept this bet. Yes. And, uh, if we win, no wait, you already said what would happen if we won. No, I'm good with that. I'm good with all that. No, what if we win, no,, you already said what would happen if we won. No, I'm good with that. I'm good with all that. No, what if we win? No, tell me what I have.

If we win, you have to buy all these stacks of paper I have here that say extra extra. Done. Alright. Alright. Alright, well. Deals a deal. Honestly, it would be great to have some paper right now. All of these buss have been staring at me for weeks.

It's a little unsettling. I really wish I hadn't been trapped here Why are they all pointed directly at you? They follow you. They follow you around around the store. I Mean their eyes. They turn oh Yeah, like buss do. Yeah, you know and you know they know for oh their brow Can't you just a move them a move them? Yeah, the buss can't you just a move them? A move them? Yeah. The busts. Can't you just a move them?

That. Can't you bust a move? I, that is a great idea. I, I at first thought that they were staring at me because I murdered the shop owner in front of them. But then I realized that, that's just what busts do. But I can't. You gotta show them who's boss.

You say, you say hello. You come sit next to me and you find fellow. Yeah, that's some other stuff. Sean, you got any ideas? No, I just appreciate the support. That's actually a good idea. Perhaps, oh you too now. One, saving my life. And two, telling me how to get along with

some bus. Better and if you want it, you got it. Well, Baron Emer- Emer- Emer- Emer- Emeritus. Shangle-Earth. Oh, Shangle-Earth Emeritus, yes. Well, Randy, it's good- it's good to see you, I know. You know, I have to confess I felt occasionally guilty thinking that there was a chance that I was a small part in, something that maybe killed you, which would feel good even though I know you're evil. I, you know, I will be honest, I have been dreading the next encounter with you all. I was terrified of how it would shake out the laughing face of carfoon, carnival willsons

been just floating before my eyes and it's good to just see you all again and remember that you're no threat to me at all. Oh, I mean me, I did make that carfoon. Ah, okay, all right, you're some threat to me at all. Oh, well, I mean me, I did make that perfume. Ah, okay, all right, you're some threat to me at all. I have learned a lesson not to underestimate you, but you are still mortal. I mean, how does that sword feel, does it each? It feels bad, it's cold. I always feel it, and I am so, if you see Dripfang, tell him he's a dick. Oh, I do not like that guy

I he's a hey you said or you are not allowed to save dripfang with anything But what if he turns to the soul but no redemption for drip things? It helps everyone Even if it solves everything Oh, can I can I do it? Can I yeah, let's do it Charlie what can I save someone? Try my right guys. Sorry. Sorry Drip thing is gonna love this conversation when I tell it to him and soon we shall save everyone for the race Is on to see you can solve the shattery the fragging thing amazing

We're also gonna fight over the branding of this. The greatest wizard in Fune, the Dark Lord, will soon probe his way, straight into the solution to the fragmented. I'll note that. He'll tap, he'll tap his way, right, Isador? Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, Robobobob. And I'm gonna podcast the solution to everything. Masters of Mayhem now on Stitcher Premium. What?

Get out of here. So, Baron, you said you accomplished a thing you wanted to accomplish on your podcast. What, was it like 300, 400 episodes? Uh, seven, seven. Seven. I went from being a, uh, an urchin, broken, disgraced, in a seaside tavern to hire in the Dark Lords hierarchy

than I have ever been before in seven episodes. Seven episodes. Seven episodes. In there, I also got married in a relationship that kind of has some open questions. Oh, that's why you're a meritus. It's slave to goddess to my service. It's great. Seven episodes really worth every penny now on Stitcher Premium.

Oh, I can relate to being an urchin, but I mean, that took us 300 episodes. Yeah. Although, you know, you solved that problem for yourself in like half an episode. Yeah, that's true. I think the thing is that urchin problems are easy. Anyway, Baron, fuck off.

Yo! Uh, and to you. The race begins now! Oh, go! Quick question, who else forgot the sword was still in Arnie? How quickly we grow accustomed to a painful unwanted intrusion. Speaking of Mat Young, he played Use It All The Wizard, and if you can't get enough of one note characters overplaying their hand, check out Matt's recent guest appearances on the Mega Podcast, and a recent Mission to Zix live stream for a pod UK fundraiser. Chaunt the Street Urchin O'Come On was played by Adolf Refy.

Baron R'Goon was played by special guest Chris Rathchin. He'd like to remind you the complete improrovised Star Trek, all 226 episodes, are perpetually available at www.vimprovisedartrectorac.com. Give him a shot, it's just like watching the real thing. I mean, did you catch the back end of Discovery Season 2? I'd swear some of those were improvised. Don't know what I'm talking about? Not to worry, a red angel will show up in the final 13 minutes after 14 episodes to tie everything together.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rathiah. Post-production Coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwulf producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Sage GC, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. If you have a few extra seconds to fill on your podcast, consider hosting Matt Young. It gives him something fun to plug. Provides me the opportunity to

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