Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 46 - Jazzhands (w/ Nicole Parker)

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

A traveling story singer needs help with her songs. Also Chunt might die.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSpirulina Jazzhands: Nicole ParkerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Ah, there you are. Don't mind me, just finishing up a little personal experiment.

Since we all have a little more time on our hands, I've heard so many stories about people rediscovering the joy of bread making, and deep in my secret heart, I think. That's not gonna last. Which means there's a lot of people out there with freshly baked loaves of bread, only serving as a painful reminder of the hobby they've either abandoned or grown to resent. So I refocused my talents into the kitchen to create a loaf of bread that can seek out and destroy other loaves of bread. Here it comes out of the oven. Would you look at the sheen on that crust.

Thank you, micro thin layer of egg whites. Okay, well that cools. Let's get into my favorite podcast. Yesterday, Ms. Maddow really took the establishment to task with a series of carefully researched- Oh wait, I'm doing that one later. This is the one that's more of a chore. Right, so this week will we make any progress whatsoever on undoing the shattering? Will the guests sign off halfway through when they realize what they've signed up for? Will you finally admit your only still listening because you can't crack the setup process

on your smart TV, sit back, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Five years and a couple of months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional drift. And I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. And you know, chronically, are quested, a feet-to-dark Lord. And, you know, complication, everyone is trapped in small, like chunks of food, and we are half-finged. Oh, yeah, baby.

Thanks for introducing me, Arnie. Oh, yeah. Okay. Wait, did you say shunts? No, I didn't. I said chunks. Oh, although has, I mean, I, this seems like an insensitive question.

Okay. Has anyone ever called you chunk? Um, no, I mean, this seems like an insensitive question. Okay. Has anyone ever called you chunk? Um, no, I don't think so. I mean, at one point, maybe when I was throwing up chunk, I haven't seen you all week. And you know what, still getting used to doing the podcast via run, I know every week we do this.

Can you turn the visual aspect of your run on? Cause you've been changing every week and now. I can't really, no, I can't really do that this time. I do need to tell you, earlier this week, I was a hammerhead shark. And then I turned back into a badger. I was able to, you know, change my way out of that. And then I was a Phillips head shark.

And I changed my way out of that. And then I became a sand castle. And now I'm a sand castle with the head of a bedroom, so I don't currently have arms, but I feel so spacious and roomy. And that's why you can't turn the visual aspect on because you don't have arms. I don't have, yeah, I don't have arms with a sand castle.

But good news is now we can do some improv. Yes, sand. Mm-hmm. Isn't that what you always say? It is what I always say, yes, sand. So look, look, chunk, I'm a little bit worried about you. It seems like your shape shifting is completely out of control. Ever since the frag menting has happened,

you can't control your shape shifting. Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing. Sometimes I'll be shifting and not even know it. And I feel like I'll see some animals looking at me sideways and I'm like, what's going on? And then I'll notice that I'm shifting or I'm turning into something. And it's just really quite embarrassing.

So where's the tide? Like if you're part sand castle, what happens if the water comes in? It's slowly encroaching. So that is something I guess we just have to watch out for. But I do have a little moat around me. That's fun. Yeah.

Guy would look, I'm worried about you, but I really do have to introduce you, Siddharth. Yeah, no, that's fine. So I hope this doesn't seem like I don't want to talk about the danger. You're doing great. You're doing great. But I got it. Yeah, of course, of course, of course, of course. Okay. Now you're doing great. Are you just like, how soon is the water going to kill you? You don't think you're going to get through his name? No, I'll be fine. Oh, shut up, I'm so... And our other co-host, Yusudor the Blue! I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a Fesiest Master of Light and Shadow, Minimulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos,

Changan of the Great Holes of Tarakas, the elves Noomius Fying Yalak, the dwarves Noomius, Zonen in Hukestenges, and I am known in the North East as Gaspweneus Mastar, and there may be other secret names. Names that are so powerful that if air I did utter them aloud, most assuredly a volcano would appear in seven different places. Err, do you got a story about that? Yes, one time.

I said that secret name aloud. In though, no one else is allowed to know it, and in seven different places on Foon, seven volcanoes rose from the ground, spewing forth lava and magma, destroying all in their path, and I felt guilty about it for weeks. Oh, yeah So you so are I just need to bring you up to speed chunk is half a so I'm sorry chunk our buddy Chunk you mean chunk chunk How did I forget that he just looks like a chunk? Let me do my truffle shuffle here

Don't do that it looks shuffle here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that, it looks goony. He's half sand castle and he can't turn his visual aspect of his runon. Can you turn it on remotely? Well, yes, of course I can do that. I am an incredible wizard. Arach, tolof, tolof, tolof. Tolof.

Tolof. Hey, can you see me? Yeah. Hey, that is weird. I gotta draw that. I'm gonna draw that and put it on Twitter. It looks a little bit like the sandcastle's churning, sort of black and white.

It sort of looks like it's churning into you. Well, that's good news. Yeah, yeah. It kinda looks like if you squint, it looks like you're melting. Hmm, yeah, I feel very grainy. But now I can tell time with my body. Chunk, I look, I'm sorry. I know I should be really worried. I am, and I am sincerely worried about you that something bad is going to happen.

But I got to check in with you, so I'm so sorry. Oh, no, please. I got to check in with you, Sador. You do use it, Sador. Use it, Sador. How have you made any progress on fixing the fragmenting, because remember, during the competition? The shoppetition. The forces of evil are calling it the fragmenting, because remember during the competition, the forces of evil are calling it the fragmenting.

We are calling it the shattering. Branding is important. Fair enough. But we're in a race now with the forces of evil, and we have to be the ones that fix it. Have you made any progress? I have used my great wizardly prowess all week to comb through ancient texts and learn mystical, unknowable secrets

and these machinations of mine have allowed me to come to some conclusion. I believe the shattering may be caused by magic. All right, well, you know, the journey of a thousand episodes begins with the first step I guess. We're gonna do a thousand more episodes. I mean look please just kill us now. Well please just dump water on me please. Speaking of which, shut that water is getting very close. I'm a little worried about you bud. Yeah I feel it lapping at my bottom half.

And I think I lost some toes. Oh, yeah. I assume those grains were my toes. It's kind of hard to tell when you're the different shape. I definitely can feel all the rooms in myself. Oh. I have like a foyer and a stomach. And I have a east wing or a west wing.

You have a foyer. I have a foyer, a stomach Wing. You have a foray. I have a foray. A stomach. A stomach. A West Wing. A West Wing, an East Wing. I love the West Wing. I have a drawing room.

This is so sad, honey. I can't watch our friend die. Like sands in an hourglass. These are the days of Chunch Life. Okay, you're right. I don't want to watch him die either. This is what we have to do. You have to use your magic and turn off the visual aspect of his room. Yes, we won't watch.

And, Sean, if you start to die, will you say it? Will you tell us so that we know? Oh, yeah, I'll scream or something. Okay, great. Can we come up with like a safe word or something? Yeah, so what I'll say, since I mostly made of grains of sand, what I'll do is I'll just scream, send me? Does that work? Yeah. Send me? Yeah. I'm gonna say this sincerely. I hope I never hear you say that again. No, we say it one more time.

Send me? I've got chills, they're multiplying. Okay, look, here's a thing. I am really worried about you and I wanna check in with you to make sure you're still alive but I gotta introduce the guest, I'm so sorry. It's not that I don't wanna talk to you. No, it's fine, because you're the wickedly talented

on nail of this greenie. No, how does it pronounce? Our Neil milk comp. Our Neil milk ham? Our Neil Milk Camp? A Neil Mine Camp. What's your name? Sandy? What should I just scream?

I should just scream. I'll just scream. Yeah, I'll say the same word. Go ahead, do we have a guest? Yeah, we do. I sort of have been reaching out to random people throughout Foon V of the Roon, and I have a guest according to her.

She's very talented so a big get for the podcast let's see let me finger the rune here to bring her welcome to the podcast Spiralina Jazzhan oh hey Spiralina. Hello, oh, it is so good to be here. Thank you so much for having me. Oh, yeah, we didn't use the visual aspect before. There's a lot going on on your face. That's a lot of.

Well, I had to get rune ready, as they call it. I don't know, is that what they're saying? Is this so new to me? I just threw something together. I just threw this on. What does it look good? Does my face look good? Is it good?

Is it working? It looks great. And they always say, you know, put your makeup on for the back of the room. So yeah. There you go. Because the people that are paying for the cheap seats in the back of the room, they matter just as much.

Oh, so you're an entertainer? Ah, honey. Honey didn't even bother to explain that. Yeah, I think we caught her mid-warmer. You were saying, la la la la la. I was! I was! Look, you must always be ready at an instant to use your instruments.

Oh. Well, we would love, if you would honor us, with some music, but first we'd like to get you you know you a little bit first. Oh What sort of what do you consider your style of music? Well as you do know my name is Farrell in a jazz hands. Yeah, I am from the tiny shy of York, New They say that you can't make it there so go anywhere else so I did and I have and you know it is my life's work to travel and to... Now I know that there are such things as a traveling minister.

I don't like to call myself that I am a journeying story singer. I like that. And I don't think technically you can call yourself a traveling ministeral because that's TM. Oh, are you clever? Oh, thank you. Finally, someone with energy who respects me. I don't quite understand what I'm looking at though. You look a little bit rough around the edges. Is that okay to say? Oh no, yeah. I'm slowly disintegrating into the ocean. Oh, aren't we all? I mean really. Finally, this guy gets me. Oh, and I've got a warning in advance.

He might die during the episode. Use it or can you turn off the visual aspect of his room for her as well? We're still going to hear him. He's going to yell if he dies. Just so we know. You guys don't want to see me be washed up? If I may. Could I, could I, could I may?

May I? Could I, could I, could I may? Please I? May I? Could I may? Yes, please. I just have to tell you gentlemen, now we will get into my life of course, but there is one thing about my journeys. My journeys have taken me very, very many places and yet somehow I seem to arrive just before or just after the very big thing that I would want to sing about has happened. Oh. And it is very sad. In fact, when I was little, there was an amazing event where volcanoes happened all over the universe. And do you know what? I had eaten too many gonga berries.

And if you never heard in New York, we have gonga berries. Oh, you know gonga berries. Oh, I love gonga berries. Yes, I've traveled all over food Well, if you have eaten gonga berries, you know that they make you pass out. Yes, almost immediately Almost immediately and I had one and I was eating it and I was eating it in the bathtub And I passed out and I was naked and I slept there for 49 days Well, I woke up. I mean, there wasn't even a town anymore. The volcano had killed everyone. Luckily, you were in the bathtub, where the water protected you from the lava. You are exactly right, sir. But guess what? No one wants to hear the song.

Spar-lin took a bath in some hot water. Then she woke up and realized she was an only daughter. No town, no one, no smiles, no fun. She should have eaten the gonga berries, not at all. That's not a fun song. You see that? That's not great though. No, no, no.

Can I ask something? It's on my ith listen. I have these, I have albums I've put together and I go from town from town to town They're called now that's what I call fountains and I have 79,000 of these all right and no one no one wants to hear that one no one liked that one And so may I ask a question about that song though? It's in the air you mentioned that you were an only daughter Does that mean your family died because of the volcanoes? That is correct, but here's the thing.

My father was already missing. I do not know whom he is, but that is the reason I started on my journey because this is the thing. Ever since I was a small child, I felt like I had something in me and I'm not just talking about pure grade talent. That was a given.

But I knew that there was something special about me. For example, I could do things that other people couldn't. At least I didn't see them do it. I wasn't only child. And I had a mother, and I had 17 aunts. And they did not pay much attention to me. But I would be in the backyard, and I would a mother and I had 17 aunts. And they did not pay much attention to me, but I would be in the backyard and I would do something like, like, oh, it's very hard to explain.

It's like you're standing, okay? And then all of a sudden, the right, and then, oh, but here's the twist. All of a sudden, I would lean over and my left hand would touch the ground. My legs would kick up over, my right hand would touch the ground, and all of a sudden, I'd be back up on my feet. And I don't know what that's called, but I never saw anyone else do it.

I couldn't do that. I can think maybe there was magic in me. I am convinced that my father, that I was sired by someone who is magical. So you were right side up, and then you flipped upside down, but then you write it yourself like a wheeled cart would write itself. Oh, now that's a very good way to describe it. I never even thought of it. Oh, you get it, we all thought of it. I also can do something where it yourself like a wheeled cart would write it. Oh, now that's a very good way to describe it.

I never even thought of it. Oh, you can't do it. I also can do something where it's like I'm sitting on my palms. Okay. A palms sit. Okay. It's like I'm standing and then almost and I lean for it and I kick my legs. And now it's like I'm sitting on my palms.

It's like I'm upside down. Does that make sense? Can you even picture that? Have you ever heard of something that's crazy? I mean, I've said on my hands before and I call that masturbating. Oh, I'm not talking about that. And now, actually, these things... I don't mean to burst your magical bubble, but they seem pretty... um... normal?

You said it. What's up with you, sir? I've never seen anyone do that before in my life. What have you seen that? I mean, at your wizard, I guess you've seen a lot of things. Oh, the things I have seen. Oh, see, I'm so jealous. Now, see, this is why I'm saying,

do not turn off the visual on Chant. If that's your name. Yeah, that's my name. See, how do I move it? No, no, it's Chant. Oh, it's Chant, all right. So, if I can watch you die as a sand castle, that's a pretty damn good song. Oh, I'm chunk. All right. So if I can watch you die as a sand castle, that's a pretty damn good song.

Oh, I'm just going to say. Yeah, I would like to give you that. That would be my parting gift of this world is to be, you know, memorialized in song form would be outstanding. I would love to provide that for you. Because I just need new material. I mean, I wrote a song the other day.

It was, pick a Rasput pure, when to buy a cow. That's it, that's the song because that's all I saw. He went to buy a cow and that was it. No one died. Nothing happened. The cow was a magical. It didn't scrub horns. It didn't, is this why you add details that are maybe a little superfluous? Like I couldn't help but notice you said you're an only child, but in your song about the volcanoes, you mentioned after the volcanoes you're an only daughter, but you would always been an only daughter. If I'm being honest, and this is, this I'm going to explain something to you about my craft.

If you're not a songwriter or a lyricist. None of us are. None of you are. But no offense, just none of you are. Okay, it's very hard to do. So sometimes you get backed into a corner and you start a song and I was sitting in water. Now I'll tell you, you have to ride water with something. Okay, and you know what I hate otters? Because I find them shifty.

And so I didn't want that in my song. And the very next thing came to me, which was daughter. And I understand, you're sort of splitting hairs at this point, if you will, because I get it. Only daughter, okay, that means a lot of things. It was for the rhyme, okay? It was for the rhyme. When it meant was I was on my own, right?

I'm someone's daughter, now I'm on my own, only the lonely, or something like that. I mean, that's a terrible name for a song. Now, can you imagine who would listen to that song? Spyrolyna, I don't want to suggest anything you're uncomfortable with, but have you ever thought about just lying, you know, making up lyrics, making up a story, you know?

Does a magical word for lying when you're an artist called Imagine? Oh, oh my goodness, that's incredible. Well, I guess I never thought about it. I really don't like to lie. I've always been someone who told the truth. And perhaps maybe that's what made me boring, you know? There was never anything I had to keep to myself.

You know, I did kill someone when I was 17. But, you know, it was just so boring. Who hasn't? Who hasn't killed someone? 17, what? What? Polarins. What?

There you go. I mean, that's awful, but also that's fodder for songs. I don't think so. Can you break? Who hasn't slept with a centaur? And then the centaur's mistress comes down and smights her with a lion ring and if you don't know what a lion ring is it's basically what it sounds like it's a lion that you wear as a ring because it's a very very gigantic girlfriend we're talking about or mistress we're talking

about and the lion ring leaps out at you and and somehow you get away and then you're backing up and you try to grab a spear to sort of shove it into the heart of the lion. And the lion just acts, actually dies because you succeed at it because it was just luck. Listen, I grabbed the spear and I tripped it. It was so embarrassing. I mean, it was to tell that story. I tripped and I speared it in the heart and it exploded into a thousand butterflies. And then after that, I stood and I looked at that center and I was like, you are a massive dick. And I mean, I just don't mean that you have one was like you are a massive dick and I mean I just don't mean that you have one

but you are a massive dick sir and you know who hasn't gone through the magical forest of Peerini and found the actual magical Peerini Peerini grounded up, waited for it to explode and then put in at a drink, put it gave it to the center and then he dies. I mean who hasn't done that? Yeah I did that. Exactly. So who wants to hear a goddamn song about it? Instead, I have to write songs like, Jacka'ris Cray went up today to get to pale of water.

And then the storms came, and the clouds as well. The clouds came down, they sang, they frowned. And all of a sudden, the clouds parted and he was dry. Because the storm went away, I saw that storm forming and I said, this is it, this is my moment, it's going to be the storm of the century, and guess what? Boom, wind blew it away, he went down, he got his water, you know, and in that case, believe me, the other problem that's happening in my songs I'm always near a body of water. And I run into that same back into a corner. Ryan problem. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, water, dog. There's a lot of water, daughter problems. And look, I know I'm very upset about it. I'm very self conscious about it. So please don't bring it up. Brought her? What does that mean? Perhaps you could end up aligning a and then I mean like brought her B.O.R.O. H.O.

Oh, brought her. Yes. Well, that's clever. Yes, I just just came to me off the top of my head. I'm certainly not a lyricist. It wouldn't be able to help. But I was a little rind that I thought of if you truly hate otters so much. Yeah, and spy really now.

I don't want to overstep my bounds and again, I know lyricists are songwriter, but hotter, if that makes sense, like something is hotter. Oh, so I get it, I get it. So easy when you're just sitting on your beach as a sand castle, think of all the things that rhyme with that. Well, guess what? In the moment, it is not easy.

You try it. You try it. Squatter, okay, well, hold on. Okay. A challenge has been issued, so I'll try it today. I didn't mean it, I mean it you try it. Squatter okay well hold on a challenge has been issued so I'll try it. I mean it. Okay fine fine here we go. This song is gonna involve water because he's about to die if you are I'm guessing. I don't have much time left let me get to this song.

Brahem Brahem Brahem. There I was a badger in the tub sitting in some water. Ovolcano erupted and the magma made the water hotter. Is that good? Is that okay? It's fine. I said it's fine. Good job. Okay? Good job. What do you want me to say? Well, that's my early, he's gonna be dead soon. So let's just, let's let's let. What does it mean we feel any better? He'll become more famous. You know, you only become very famous, as I mean, just if you die. Maybe that's what I should do. Oh no, don't take your own life.

You, you mustn't spiral into that. Oh, I tried once. I mean, who hasn't? I mean, listen, there was that one time that I was like, oh, there was an abandoned castle outside of my area, and I went into it, and I was like, what is going on here? Because when I stepped inside,

it was as if everything turned upside down, and I was floating. is going on here because when I stepped inside it was as if everything turned upside down and I was floating. I literally was walking on the ceiling but also like who would believe me right? How can I write a story about that? Who could I who would believe a song I'm walking on the ceiling you know and then yeah of course yeah oh sure a dragon came spiraling and you flew with the dragon for a year you know it's like no one would believe me I'm not going to sing a song about that. What a feeling walking on the ceiling That's catchy. Yeah, thank you. Why are you so good? You know, I thought that I was gonna be able to come on here and feel a little better about myself And now a piece of sand is better than I am no one not the only thing that I can do well

No, Spire Elena, you're great. I think it's hopeless. No, no, you're not hopeless You just you should sing about your life experiences. You know, the exciting stuff versus the boring stuff. Is that rude? Your song is boring? I'm the one who said my song is boring. Okay, then, you're self-actualized? Yes, yes. Chants right. You've had many wonderful experiences, except for that boring ass sent-off thing.

And I think that if you just tapped into those, you could find a way to tell amazing stories that ignite the souls of the people of Foon and help them rise up against tyranny and evil wherever it I'm from FUNIDLE. Oh, what's FUNIDLE? You auditioned for FUNIDLE? See, he knows what it is. Of course. I'm so sorry, I'm from another world. That's why I don't know so much stuff. Yes. Arnold, you see it's from another world. You see.

Oh, right, right, right. I'm pretty interesting. I mean, I'd probably would never be good. So. Are there good singers in your world? Oh, yeah, there are lots of good singers in my world. Who are the good singers? What do they sing about?

Yes, yes. What do they do? Uh, well, oh, they sing about partying, and they sing about like, oh, I'm so in love with you, or also like, how I used to be in love with you. And so when they party, they just party anywhere or somewhere specific.

Oh, John, they party everywhere. There's songs about every place you could party. I party, I love you, I used to be in love you. So are all the singers men in your world? No. Oh, that's so curious. Now, the thing I've never understood about the music from your world is, why do people have to fight for the right to party?

Can't they just throw a party? That's a good question. Look, you can't take for granted your right to party. You gotta fight for your right to party. But shouldn't you be fighting against evil in all of its forms, deciding that there must be a champion to take on the forces of darkness? Said like a real square. Feel like the Dean.

Hey, watch yourself. If you do continue to taunt me as this, I shall make earth into my own battlefield and strike you down with my greased light-naten. Ooh, are there something about that that sounds sort of musical? It doesn't it? You think so? Yes. Well, I never thought of my surface much of a singer, but I do admit I like to dabble. Oh. You know what? I think that grease is the word to start a song with.

That's it. Greece is the word? Yes, I think that Greece is the word. I'm kind of now thinking, huh, a lot rhymes with Greece. It's got, it's got, it's got meaning, you know? Greece is the word. It's the word. It's kind of, isn't, I would,

wouldn't you say it's what we're all feeling right now? I mean, I think that's, yeah, for sure. It's got mood, it's got meaning. It's got meaning? It's kind of, isn't it? What'd you say? It's what we're all feeling right now. I mean, I think that's- I'm feeling it, yeah, for sure. It's got mood, it's got meaning, it's got meaning. It's got meaning, it's got meaning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know this is crazy to say it. I like grease too.

Nobody likes grease too. No, I like grease too. Oh yeah. No, also- There's no ways like grease too. I also like grease. I like grease too. Arnie and Foon, anybody who likes Greece too, is not having any reproduction.

They're not having kids, they're not having sex. D.O.A. Anyways, I audition for Foon Idol 59 times. And the judges are impossible. It is a very, very mean, mean warlock, a very disgusting witch. And then it's just a um a blob of matter and I can only describe him as um well he's he's he's all to talk like this and he's like you'll know good you know it's like well who you to talk you know look at you I don't even know what you are who you to judge me whether or not I'm

good singer or not and it was a blob of blah matter. It was a blah blah matter! You know, how dare you! How dare you, sir, or ma'am or whatever you are. Hey, of course, this is Simeon Cowell, a giant terrible beast. Yes, you know about him. Ugh! Oh, yes. I love Foon Idol. I, some wonderful singers have come out of there,

uh, like, uh, uh, uh, just school, Fran Berry, like, uh, uh, just school, Frawn Berry, and, uh, of course, my personal favorite, Kelly Clarkson. Oh, I do love her. Now, she knows how to tell a story. Yes. Oh, yes.

So emotional, so real. Oh, I guess I'm not familiar. Would you mind singing me a Kelly Clarkson song? Certainly, of course. Okay, stretching. Yeah, drinking some water. Give me a second to build up to it. Somehow, Spyro Linna was able to launch right into it,

but Yusordor does have to prime the pump, sort of speak. Well, I thought you were going to start. Did you want me to sing one? No, I was saying you're much better at this, but Yusord... Yes, obviously. Oh, well, thank you. But I would love to hear what you have. Oh, great.

You're just scanning the sky, looking at the horizon, presumably hoping for some answer to show itself, nothing's coming in. He's pretending like he thinks someone's trying to talk to him off just off ruin. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck This is your opportunity to sing the song of your career that will actually save Translite! Oh my god, oh my god, the pressure! I don't know if I can do it! Well, let's take a break and see if you do it right after. Honolth. Honolth, please. Wait, what? You're so away from that.

Honolth, I don't want you to look into the room. Okay. But there is something terrible there to see. Our friend, Junk? Hello, this name is Chant. Has passed away. There are no more footprints on the beach,

where I was carrying him. What are we to do on it? Now, that chunt is gone. You said, or I'm trying to parse how much of what you're saying is literal. It's all literal. You were on the beach? No, that pod was a metaphor. Where... now... I know not what to do without a odd dear departed friend, except for to honor him... with a soul. This is my moment. This is it.

Oh, it's my moment. I really need to jazz hands. Don't you mess this up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. His name was Chant, is that right? Chant, yes, Chant. But we'll accept Chant as well. No, we will not. Guys, really, guys, I'm really in a zone and it's really, really hard to keep on holding on to this if you want to keep arguing. Could you do it later, please? Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. life's household. He sadly was born out to see his now more moat than castle. He became one with the sulk, it really wasn't all his fault. He just got too close, a smidge and dipped in his droll-bred. And now he is one with all the sea. Now he is one, it what he wanted to be. But I guess the answer to the riddle is with water You do not want to become the ocean's father I came up with another rhyme! Father! You did it, Spirulina!

Yes! You broke in the curse that stopped me from rhyming with water and now you can create any soul you wish! Oh well, oh well, oh well, oh look at you, you did it! Oh wait a minute, wait, what, what, I'm so confused! Oh, sorry, it's, it's chun here, I, I think my death. I mean, well, hold on, my body did get washed out to sea, but now I'm a badgerhead floating in the water! Oh yeah, wee! It was a ruse!

Oh chun, it was so relieved for the two of us. Oh, my goodness. To make me so scared just to push me to an artistic limit, you rascal you. Shunt, I should be so mad at you, but I love pranks. I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Talk about imagining. Well, now I get it. It was so cool to hear you. I was worried because I'm like, oh shit, I'm dying because of water.

And I was like, that's, Spina Lina's one weakness is rhyming water. I'm sorry, it's spirulina. It's just so that we're clear. Spina Rela, no. Spina Lina is the stuff you put in your coffee to make a taste better. That's right, that's right.

But I thought, you know, this is testy because I thought maybe you were just gonna default and say water, daughter, but you pulled it off. I'm so proud of you. What a glorious series of events this has been. So the backwards compliment, but thank you, thank you. For a second, I thought you said the water's father, but it was father. Well, you know what's interesting about that is, I mean, father, material, for something, I have a lot of father, father, and you know what,

that might be a fun pattern song. I'll have to work on that someday. Do you all know what a pattern song is? I would love to. Oh, I have a chance to teach you. It's one that's really fast. Lots of words, lots of rhymes. This is very fast.

It's like this and it's a pattern song. They go for coming to where I can hear it. Oh. It's up tempo. Correct. It's like, I don't want to get married today. That's not fun. I am crazy and I'm not going to do it. So please go home.

Everybody. That would be a great song if someone wrote something like that. But I'm not going to do it. What am I soaring time? I'm sorry everyone. Hold on one second. Sorry. What is that?

Yes. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Yes. It's pretending to talk to someone off on my life. Well actually, I just got some new information about about who I think may be responsible for the shatter it. Oh, what is it so hard? Yes. It's not it's Bruce the Skyguard. Wait, what? Bruce the sky god. You mean the dad of Arnor the warrior? That's right.

He helped bring that great warrior into this world. And as a great sky god and one of the great, great grandchildren of the three goddesses who created all the food, he has much power in this world and he seems to be angered and has split the world into a shattered state that we find it in now Wait a minute. Who gave you that information? Who was off screen that we couldn't see? Oh, it's a weak guy Remember I'm stuck in here with weak guy. Oh, that's right Who definitely is not strong guy. They're two different people They do even though every time I bring up strong guy weak guy winks at me and makes like a joke

Even though every time I bring up strong guy weak guy winks at me and makes like a joke Huh, I was like he's hanging something, but I don't want to accuse anyone Not with not with following up. Inspiraling. I don't worry. This shouldn't make any sense to you Well weirdly it does I have to say Because a gentleman look I know this was surprising, but my given last name is not jazz hands Wow, that is a name that I gave myself but my given last name is not jazz hands. That is a name that I gave myself. Oh, such a common funing in name though. I know it.

I was so jealous I wanted to be a jazz head so badly. My next door neighbor, they were the jazz hands. And I went to school with another jazz head, a catarena jazz head. And you know, they would get around. They would sit around the loot all night long and they would sing and dance. I would be at home alone eating the

spine of a sicklefish and just by myself because my mother was absolutely out again doing God knows what I was alone my hands were all drunk and I would just think what would be like to sit around the loot and sing with the jazz hands but no I am coming from a long line of scar, scar, it's very hard to say. It's either SARS-Guard, depending on where you're from or scars guard. I'm a spirulina SARS-Guard. And what we used to joke is that it sounds like skyguard. And I wonder because my father isn't exist. And I just thought, is my father a skyguard? It was just a joke, you know what I mean. Is it possible then that spiraling at jazz hands is the half-sister of Arnold of a warrior? It seems like a leap, but could. Wow, Scarsgard, that is a stellar name,

a stellar name. I mean, it would make sense at least for the fact that I could sit on my palms and do the wheel of a cart and all these different things that I thought were so magical when I was growing up you know I could I could close my eyes and there's just blackness. Hmm well and it makes sense that I believe you're correct and you might be magical not for the reasons you're saying because those are boring normal things but I know I know which who is raised by her aunts as well. Have you met Sabrina? That teenager? Yeah the teenager the teenage which? Those are boring normal things. But I know, I knew a witch who is raised by her aunts as well.

Have you met Sabrina? That teenager? Yeah, the teenager, the teenage witch. You said, what are you doing hanging around with a teenager? I didn't say I was hanging around with her. I just said I knew her. Newer? Oh, hey, oh, hey, I just know this teenager.

No, no, no, no, don't do this to me. Just watch it. So I'm sorry, let me get this straight. You think that I possibly have a connection to? The person who's causing all of this, well, big surprise. You know what, if I had to choose someone who's in charge or responsible for the shadowing, of course, it would be my deadbeat dad.

I mean, never had a scent, never had a plume, never had a farthing, never had a quink. I mean, none of those different coins that we went through in York knew because we changed currencies constantly. Not even a quink? No! Or a quink. Or a quink. Which is what she said.

It's okay, we also did quins. We literally, I mean, in York knew quink is a borough. And we just never had any money and he was always tri- you know, he dabbled, he dabbled in community menstrual, right? So you didn't get paid and no one came to see the shows, but he was constantly doing that, he was doing show after show after show after show after show, not bringing in money. That was why I bonded with him because we both had the bug. You know what I mean? We had an actual bug that was in our ear telling us what to say, the lies, you know? And when you have the bug. You know what I mean. We had an actual bug that was in our ear telling us what to say, the lies, you know. And when you have the bug, you can't stop acting because it literally doesn't shut up. You have to have it surgically removed.

Oh, that's why they say that actors are always on. Correct. And so in some ways it wouldn't surprise me. I mean, he blew up our lies. I wouldn't be surprised if he blew up the entire world. You know, I have noticed that you were saying that you've had a lot of weird encounters with disaster that you just kind of missed and Everyone dies, but you survived I guess is true as you can see I'm actually in a gigantic house. Yeah Is that strange are you guys not in a gigantic house? What did you end up in? No, I'm in a haunted hot spring. I'm at a shitty beach. I'm in a schoolhouse with sheep that are have bat wings. Oh, I mean like a full-blown mansion. It looks nice. And I have a staff.

Is that not normal? Wow, imagine, imagine being in a mansion and just singing singing and thinking that you're relating to us. That's fucked. Sorry, that's fucked. It's a wonder women like you just imagine that you're just like us. I'm also thinking of doing Zoom meetings with just general public and they can see me just sitting and either like, I don't know, doing something

like clumping my lips or just complaining about like, I'm thinking of like maybe my makeup, like I'll do a makeup line, I'll do an unboxing unboxing of it and oh, do you think this is fun? I put the entire set of makeup in a big chocolate frog, right? And there's a hammer and you have to you have to hit the chocolate frog and get to the to the makeup Do you think that's fun? Is that sound original something that people would go go crazy for to get? Well, let me just get on my room to see it for sure. Yeah, that sounds good to me I'm a floating head in the ocean. So you know what? No, it doesn't sound fun to me. I risked my body, my sink-assled body,

to bump set you for a song, and now I feel like I'm an idiot. And you never even taught me pattern. Oh, I'm so sorry. I mean, I'd enjoy it, but I wouldn't feel good about it. I thought, I thought I did this meanest thing that you just said to me was that I didn't teach you pattern You're right. You did explain pattern. I'm sorry. I'm mad about other stuff. I can live with everything else You said to me, but not that so not that not today. I feel like I understand patterns songs perfectly now I am the very model of a modern major wizard look at James Patterson over there We're in good company. You know, it has occurred to me, Spiraling, that like you were complaining about a volcano

that destroyed everybody, but somehow improbably, you survived by being inside a bathtub. Like, what are the odds? That's not the worst way for that to happen. That's the best way for that to happen to you. But it's easier than surviving a nuclear explosion in a refrigerator. It is true. And when I was in that castle, I was walking upside down in the ceiling, again, boring. I understood. Is this weird? I looked at that dragon and I, it's like I could speak his language. And I jumped on his back and I told him where

to take me, but I didn't say it in any language. I recognized. I just thought his language and I jumped on his back and I told him where to take me but I didn't say it in any language I recognized. I just thought, oh I'm having another one of my hallucinations and I just spoke to him and we flew. We flew all over the place and we murdered several villages and I sort of just didn't I didn't really know what was up with that. I thought, well, this is kind of strange, but I'm just going to go with it because I hadn't been on a date in such a long time.

It is odd that happened and I was safe and he seemed to be hell bent on actually bringing every other person that he came into contact with, to dust, to nothing but cinders. Hello? Hello? Out there? Is anyone outers. Hello. Hello? Out there? Is anyone out there? Hello?

Daddy? Daddy, can you hear her? I need these stories, you're telling us. They're very amazing. It seems that you've led this charmed life that leads me to believe that Bruce the Sky God may indeed be your long-lost father. I'm so torn. I mean, I want to find my father, but to find out that he...

Oh gosh, it's like I'm one of those things where someone poses on the street, you know, is like, oh me when I find out that I'm out of coffee, you know, it's like that just that pose. Oh me when I find out my father is Bruce the Sky God, that's me. I'm now one of those public scenes on the street. Those mean scenes, those means. Oh, don't talk to me before I found out that Bruce the Sky God is my father. Exactly, exactly. It's like, ugh, you know, no, I will never join you, you know?

That's not, it's not true. It's not true, I will never join you. That's, that's not it's not true. It's not true I will never join you. That's kind of catchy isn't it? That's very good. Wow, that's could you I'm not I don't want to put you on that bottom never mind. No wait, could you? I mean it's sort of just it's sort of almost as if there's like there's like I'm the light and he's the dark Yeah, you know a dark father if you will yeah, yes, there's a mix sense. I know this is a father but you are my father but it is not right because you're dark and I stand for light. No, it can't be! I am better than this. I don't understand why I rode a dragon and taught a snake to his.

What does it mean? What is the scene? I was a teen and I had no friends. What does it mean? What does it mean? I cannot wait till this nightmare ends. Are you Bruce the Sky God? Oh my Lord, oh my God!

No, it's not true. I will never join you. That was wonderful. I think I should be singing it hanging from something. That was so beautiful. You must confront your father. I can't. You must and if you fail in your confrontation with my husband. Don't say that. Don't say that everything rests

on me. Don't say that I hold the lives in my hands of millions of people. Everything rests on you. The lives of millions of people. And if you fail in your first attempt to confront him, I'll send a thousand falcons to save you. Couldn't we just get like a vaccine for the shattering? Oh, that's a good idea. I'll take a while. I'll take a long time. Okay, fine, fine, fine. But it's going to take me a little while to come up with a song that saves the world, you know. Did you say you taught a snake to his?

I did. That's not interesting, because that's something a snake should know how to do in the first place. I feel like that's a good burn. Arnie, you so old you taught us snake to hiss. Spyroleania. We're so grateful that you joined us here today. And we're sorry that these revelations have come seemingly hit a breakneck pace for the... uh... but would you honor us please? with one final song and perhaps hint at what your future may hold. Or, or, or, um, discuss more about those 17 drunk ants because that just...

Yeah, we never really dug into those ants and I gotta say... Before you ask, they never made out with each other other okay I know that's all you care about. That's all you people care about. First of all, it's not all we care about but it's on the list. I mean if you want not boring let's talk about the orgy between the 15 mermaids that I was a part of in college but again boring who wants to hear about itself. So on to the song about saving the world. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I need some instruction here. Sure. What should be the goal of this song? This is a large, large task to try to save the world. I need a focus. Well, it's very important for you to confront your father

and resolve these feelings of inadequacy and become the great and powerful song stress you are meant to be. Or, or, or, and I don't want to, you know, shoot where this in, or you can sing about, you know, partying or falling in love or falling out of love. You need to make Bruce the sky god understand the vital importance of life on Foon. He's above everything. He doesn't understand the grace and beauty of partying or just a polar random example like a bunch of ants kissing or mermaids having an orgy. Like, you know, it doesn't have to be that but it could be that or you could drop out of beauty school There will be some sort of beauty school dropout. All right. I'll I'll figure it out Daddy oh

Daddy oh Can you hear me? Because I can hear just fine. I know that you're not near. I know that you're up there and that you're literally on cloud nine. I've got a problem. I've got to tell you, but you're never here.

I've got to tell you that I think all of my ends are queer. Why did you leave me all alone to go to parties on my own? And mermaid orgies I could never go. Even though they came I could never go. And now we're here in the shattering and it is really bad. You're making all the phonians. Is that what we call them phonians? Yeah, please. You're making all the phonians feel really, really sad. I know that I am talented and I have my pride. But if you would save the world I would put my fame aside.

So listen to me daddy, as I am your only daughter. I'm now the one pushing you in that hot water. You say what I did is not a crime. I finally revash the rhymes! So now the joke is on you! Now the joke is on you! Grab your tissues because I have got Bruce the skyguard daddy issues.

I have got the sky got daddy issues. Party on it. Love someone until you don't love them. Oh, fucking shit! Did I do it? You have fought for our rights to politics. Oh, that was amazing! Your song abilities are unlimited. Oh, thank you so much!

Yeah, that was incredible. You know, I come from another place, but we've learned where I come from, that sometimes you can save the whole world with a song like, we are the world, or do they know it's Christmas. Yeah, and I have to say, I really enjoyed that part where you talked about those mermaids fucking each other and that, what's that word again? Oh, stop it! Orgy. Just, I'm really glad you worked that in.

Thank you so much. Nothing rubs with orgy. Oh, it glad you worked that in. Thank you so much. Nothing wraps with orgy. Oh, it's my related. That was magnificent. Thank you so much. I'm so glad you'd like to. Thank you for letting me share my gift. I can only hope that it helps in some teensy,

tindsy way and that if you enjoyed it, that you could please spread the name of mine. My name. Spread the name of mine all over the land so that perhaps I get a chance to get before those food idols again. Yeah, I can see with you. The food idol judges again, I should say. Of course, I can say with pure confidence that we're going to have that song sold on iTunes

and we'll make a ton of money off it, right? What's iTunes? Do we? Do we? I think it's the place where Arnie says we make money. Is it like iPhones? Oh, what are what's iPhones? You just run around the block screaming your song and if someone likes it

They open the window and if they don't they shut it. Oh Is it similar although sometimes windows don't doesn't work with iPhones You have to be careful and you have to get an adapter and shove it through the window and it's very complicated Give me a little frustrating, but usually, yeah, windows sometimes. I think it's Apple Music now. And if people put colorful pinwheels outside their house on their lawn, you have to skip them. Well, let me know, you know, I think it should be called Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father?

Yeah. Oh, try that. Now, now, now there's your Patrick song. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father? Yeah. Oh, try that. Now, now, now there's your pastor song. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father. Try saying that five times.

Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father. Give it to me. Give it to me. The temper is getting hotter. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father. Father Daughter Father.

That's the pattern song, okay? That's the pattern pattern pattern pattern. Hit it better. Hit it better. Hey, better, pattern, pattern, pattern, pattern. Hey, pattern, pattern, pattern. Swinging a mess. We've spent an hour defying comedy in place of jokes. Implying comedy at least we're funnier than the dollop. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Sand Castle was played by Adolfi.

Spirulina Jazzhands was played by special guest Nicole Parker. You may know Nicole from Mad TV, or from playing Elphaba in Wicked on Broadway, until asked to leave when told no, Elphaba does not speak with a thick southern accent. Check out the neighborhood listen, a podcast she co-hosts with Paul F. Tompkins, available on Stitcher Premium.

ILO is remembered to call from an improv scene we did about 20 years ago, where I tried to be part of a big group sleep-over scene, until Nicole said I was her older brother and literally kicked me off stage. Luckily, I've let that go. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neckamp, Matt Young and Abel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas, This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. And now my sentient loaf of bread is ready. Go out into the world and destroy unwanted loaves of bread. Forfeil your destiny. You call this a sourdough starter? More like a sourdough finish. Oh, that's good. I'm gonna write that down.

Here comes...