Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 5 – Castle Guards

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Something is amiss outside of the gates of Velsmeer.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSir Baldsman: Jon MackeySir Hairspiece: Ryan RosenbergMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Internet layabouts. You know I enjoy phoning it in as much as the next Insectoid Space Continuity Guardian, but there's always time for some genuine emotional investment. This episode brought to you by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. If you think drunk driving is no big deal, you couldn't be more wrong. You could get in a crash. People could get hurt or killed and you could get arrested, incur huge legal expenses, or even lose your job. So next time you plan on drinking, plan ahead. Designate a sober driver or use a ride service to get home safely.

Drive sober or get pulled over. Now with that important message delivered, back to goofs and giggles. If you want more magic Tavern in your life, who are you? Anyway, you're in luck because Earth Games is a new weekly Magic Tavern spin-off series exclusively on Stitcher Premium, and the first episode where Arnie, Yuzador and Shunt try to play a game of Clue is out now. More info on Earth Games and the other Magic Tavern mini- series coming to Stitcher Premium after the episode, including a clip from the clue episode. And in case you don't listen to my episode outroes, knowing deep in your heart that Sunday I'll turn on you, you can sign up for Stitcher Premium with promo code Magic for a free month and what a great way to support the Magic Tavern team. More on that later. And now, sit back, or lean forward, I don't care it to your spine, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tainvern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food.

I'm your host Arneanie Camp. That's alright, excuse me. I'm not used to walking and caring. Arne, look at me, I'm a horse. I bet you're horse. Yeah, I know. I know. I know, Chant, you turned yourself into a horse.

You should ride me. I wouldn't I know. I know. I know, Trent, you turned yourself into a... You should ride me! I wouldn't will not. I will not do that. Anyway, whoo, hard to walk and do this whole spiel, but one of my horse called me stamina. Stamina? Yeah, okay. Oh, I feel alive.

Oh my gosh. Let me re-op on my hind legs. Woo! I feel like I'm having sensory overload. I'm gonna have like a heart attack or something. I shouldn't joke about that, because that could really happen. But, well joke about that because that could really happen. But, well, a lot of stuff could really happen.

If you've never talked about childhood all the time, if you've never listened to this podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About four and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal,

somehow, even though we've traveled far from Hogsface, and I use that to upload this podcast to my world, which we use to chronicle our travels around Foon to find a way to defeat the Dark Lord, and we're currently walking into Velsemyr now. You look great. I know. I've been walking. I have been walking with my feet.

Are you been eating? I mean, I have been eating. What's in your snack bag? My snack? I don't want to talk to you about my snack bag. What's in your bag? Give me this. Butter?

Yeah. Butter is a good snack. A very good snack indeed. There's just comical teeth marks halfway down. I started and I changed my mind. Ah, Arnie buddy. We're hitting the road. We got to, we got to protein up. I know, I changed my mind. Ah, ornibutty, we're hitting the road, we gotta, we gotta

protein up. I know, I know, I just, you know, my world we don't go on adventures like this. I have, you know, some amount of anxiety, I don't talk about it too much, but you know when I get nervous, I eat, okay? I'm out here, I'm doing stuff and you know what? I have some bad habits still, but I am working on it. Fear not weary traveler. All you need to do is put thine foot in front of the other.

Follow you, Sador, Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, Minimulator of magical delights, D'avour of chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis. The elves know me as Fiengelik, The dwarves know me as Zonen in hook stangies, And I am known in the North East as gas-mainiest May Star,

And as I walk down this dusty path, approaching Bellsmeer, I prepare to announce mine so once again. Oh, I dropped my microphone. Pick it up. Come on. I'll turn into it. Give me a sec. Back in the badger, and I'll pick it up for you.

You can hand me back Aiki, baby. Okay, yes. Oh, for new listeners, Chant is usually a badger, but he's also a shape shifter But who always has the markings of a badger no matter what he turns into it's real weird Yeah, I can shape shift it will because of the gift that my dead husband gave me before he exploded on a wedding It's a pretty straightforward story. I don't think we have to you know, I don't think we have to yeah It's one of those we kind of set the table. It's why those things you intuit it from context clues Wait, give me when you hit me, Iggy baby give me your hand. Yeah, what is this?

There's a little I still have the splinter in my finger from back from the table a dull tab And I haven't been able to get it out. I think it's infected. Arnie, I think I think that's how we're getting Wi-Fi What I think we're still getting Wi-Fi because that splinter of the table really yeah, wait let me Walk away. I let me walk away. I can't walk away from the computer because I'm kidding. Let me hold my arm out as far as I can. I don't, I feel like there was a test.

I feel like there's a better way to test this. Try and send an email. Oh, here, John, take my phone. Okay. And run as far away. Is this gonna be another one of your take my phone, please, jokes? Now, cause you don't get the history behind it

But here take my phone and go as far away over there and see if you can get reception, okay Anyway, you sir. How you doing? Chant's Chant's gonna be gone a while. I'm wonderful Another mystery solved potentially where was the wife I coming from and of course I shrunk Mundle the Grandle down to become Mindle Grindle so that he can play music for us Where he doesn't live in mine hat. Yeah, that's right. I forgot Mundo the Grondle who does her theme song is now living in your hat. I'm sorry Mindo the Grindle I shrunk him down so he's not Mundo the Grondle anymore. He's Mindo the Grindle. Yeah, and he's a Grindle now

We must approach this gate with caution and we must speak very cautiously. Follow my lead, for I shall speak in the highest style of the court. Okay, so this is what we've been leading up to for weeks. On this diplomatic mission, to formal alliances to fight the Dark Lord, and now we're in what's this place called, Velvita again? Velzmere. Velzm Velvita again? Velzmir. Velzmir. Alright?

Velzmir. That was a nice ring to it. Hey, John, what did you learn anything? I never left. I had questions, but then you started talking to you, so... Oh, I guess we don't know if that's really where the Wi-Fi is coming from or not. Great, this is a mystery that's gonna last for months. Well, yes, and we must keep moving forward.

For we are now on a quest travellers upon the road and here now I see two before me who do guard these gates speak both thy names and know that you address a wizard. Um hello hello I'm Sir Boltzmann and I'm Sir Happy's. Sir Boltzmann's Sir is saying her piece or here piece Happy so her say it's love. No say it's love happy Really an unshake go it sir

hair Peace all right, it's a real toss up. I just so happy for a coin place. Yeah, this is this is so happy. I'm so boldsman You don't need to know so we are you saying baldsman or you saying gonorrhea Boldsmen 98 breath Oh We're really out of our depth here. I can't I don't have the ear for it. Yeah, yeah Don't matter what on names. Oh, what's your names, what you're here for?

Yeah, I am Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Rail, Mothafesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Treppion of the Great Walls of the Jedi. We gotta get him like a nickname. No, to the elves, this fiend, Yalek, known to the dwarves, as Zonin and Hookstangies, and in the northeast I am known as Gastmwynnius Mastar, but here in Velzmere, you may know me better as... Smanco! Oh! Smanco!

Are you Smanco? Smanco? Yeah, right! People know about you around here. Blue Wizard Smanco, yes, I appear before you now, and wish to take some audience with thine bettas. Um... who's... who? Betters? I assume there's like a royal family. Oh, you mean the king? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're good friends with the king. Yes, the person who lives in the castle. He's he's the big guy. He's got he's got gold on big old big crown. He wears a crown, robes, boots, boots.

Classic King's stuff has friends. Big chair. Big chair. You said you guys are friends with the King. Oh yeah. Yeah. We'll pop down every now and again. Yeah.

We'll just go in there. We'll go in there. We'll say, hey, what's up, man? We'll pop up. We'll pop up and he'll be like I'm do you know just doing King stuff What does he always say to us? He always says you're always welcome in here. Yeah doors always open. Yeah never any time any place Most guards know yes so happy

Corbin any time and there's a woven tapestry that hanging above the castle here that says no closed doors. Mm-hmm. That's right Yeah, it's right over that closed door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it seems a little bit. Yeah, it's ironic. Yeah, it's ironic Yeah, but the spirit is there to tell the that though we do protect these walls all are welcome Yeah, you got you gotta go through proper channels. Right? Like you gotta go through us. And then we'll go in there. We'll be like, hey, there's some guys outside.

Maybe you want to go see them. And they'll be like, oh yeah, let them come on in. And have a sit on the table. Right. Sit on the table. Oh yeah. The table to tough it, whatever. Sounds like a real casual court.

Oh, man, we kick off the, sounds like a real casual court. Oh, man We kick off the oh man. It's so nice in it Drinking can I ask up this is maybe a dumb question if you're sitting on the table. What do you kick your feet up onto other tables? Other tables. There's lots of small tables here the tables above seats and tables. I get the appeal I call dibs on the tough it. I'm gonna sit on the toughest. The toughest is nice. Yeah, the toughest is nice and it is in high demand. There's only one toughet, there's tons of tables of.

Well, if you want the toughest, you can get in the toughest line. Yeah. There's a line for the toughest. Yeah. It's long right now, it's about 200 people sitting in the... Excuse me, cue. Cue, sorry.

Cue for the toughest. It's a cue for the toughest. Can we pay for like a fast pass or something? I mean maybe if you grease the palms you know what I mean? That's right place some grease here in my palm and maybe Yeah, my friend has some butter that he was chewing on Milk fat I'm okay with that We're getting somewhere Okay Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, yeah, slippery, yes, slippery, slippery, slippery, yeah, what you want again?

So herpes, Sir Garneria, I must speak to thee, for we must speak to thine king, you stand here as I said before, before Smeko, and chunt the shapeshifter, and Arnie, a traveler from another world, I traveler from another world. I'm from another world. No, right, right. No, it's looking. This crew, a motley crew we go here. We are in a quest to defeat the Dark Lord

and though it has been long since I visited Velzmir, I would like to meet your king and see if he would join forces with us. Well, I guess we should just go talk to him then and go ask if he wants to. Yeah, maybe you want to go in and see if he's free He might be naked Oh, he pays and then He pays them yeah, it's crazy. He gets his clothes off and gets in the bar It's nasty. He's always bathing in the nude. It's gross. How do you be full armor fully clear?

Yeah, you like to sink I see this this brown stuff on your outer Where that's chipping way that's armor. Yes, this is armor. It's rusted to fuck. That's right. Yes, Rusty But once you get a pair of armor that you like you don't want to ever change it out right So we had these armors forever also how how else would you bathe but with your clothes on otherwise your clothes will stay there exactly Also, it's so hard to keep track of what words you have to naturally pluralize like a pair of armor That's right. Yeah, well because it's like pants. I'll get into it the same way. Yeah, and he's all in through the top Yes, I have to wash all of my helmet. Yeah. And he's all in through the top. Yes. I have to wash all of my helmet. Yeah. Oh. It's only one helmet, but it's very important. So I think of it as many. Yeah. It's all

the pieces. You know, you got the forehead, the cheeks, the nose piece. The nose piece. You don't want someone to chop a sword right across your eye line and not have your nose piece. Oh, God. Very good point. It's scary, man Fighting is scary. So we'll go talk to the King since we know him. Wait, before you go, can we actually just, I think it would be who us to maybe get some information out of you to just so we got a little prepped, a little prepared. Sure. All right, we know. We are two guys who let me tell you, we are in the know. Okay, well, like I said before, it's been a long time since I visited Velsmere and when I last visited Queen Samantha was on the throne. Oh, yeah, Queen Samantha. Yeah, those were those were good times around here

But you know, it's a different time now. Oh the king usually is yeah, yeah, time keep changing It's weird. It's weird you like get used to a time and then time goes by and it's like stuff gets Different and you like but it ain't like it used to be and you like damn, man. I wish it was like it used to be Because I have fun. I know what you mean Queen Samanza But I have I still got for have on with the king. Oh, yeah, we still have tons of fun Yeah, we were a little closer in with Queen Samanza, you know But I thought you said you knew the king though, but we do that's why he puts us at the very outside Yeah, he's like he's like you guys

Embass him first line of the first he's my two best friends outside the walls Sometimes sometimes they come out they say hey, you know what maybe go out to the edge of the woods Yeah, that makes sense. Marty, I once knew a king who trusted no one. So what he did is out in front of these gates, he had his brother and a turtle in his entourage. He trusted them the most so they were out. They were, you know, gate forward.

Keep your friends close, but everyone else closer. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so that's why we're out here, you know, he keeps us out here So jokes. Oh God He loves us. I'll call you. Oh my god. I would love to hit a joke Okay, well, I'll do the set up. I'll do the punch right cuz that's how we do we got sort of a one two banger Yeah, okay, we do though can't fail

So the king walks in in a room and he's wearing his big issues This seems more like an anecdote Wait till my party He walks in and he stabs his foot on the table and he says Should it wander smaller shoes because these big shoes hit everything The king love that one. Yeah, that's very good. I like that a lot.

You guys didn't seem to laugh at it. Well, Arnie doesn't understand Funoshuma. He's from a world called. Yeah, to set up some punchlines here on exactly relational. No, it's kind of a continuation. I think to train our brains, maybe three or four more. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. He did happy.

Here we go. So the king walks into the room and he's wearing his ugly crown. And all the poppers say, Man, I wish this guy would have worn the prettier crown because this ugly crown don't do nothing for me. Bussinger! Very good.

Well, I like that last part. Yes, a little flourish. Yeah, this needs a little button there. Go, so the King walks into the room. Which room you ask? The toilet room. He's wearing his biggest cape. He sits down forgetting to move the cape, and he says,

I wish I wore my shorter cape, because otherwise, I wouldn't have shit on my long cape. So just to kind of that's very good. Yeah, not not to kill the joke but to kind of dissect No, it's good to explain Through it. Yeah, the best jokes are the ones you have to explain. Yeah, it seems to always be the king does something Through and involves an article of clothing and then the punchline seems to be a pretty pretty pretty

yeah yeah we all do things we did straight forward keys against what he wore and then an option for what would have been a better adjustment right because it's relatable you know we got this like the comedy here in Valsamia is like it's like it's stuff that everybody experiences right Yeah, like if you go to one of our open mics. It's like it's everybody's laughing at every joke because I've been there I've been there I've done that you haven't opened making this town to an inside-outer

Yes, we haven't opened Mike back in hogs face each rips off his skin off and you see the inside of him He's open. Yeah, he usually does like a tape five. Yeah, yeah. So we'll follow him, right? So he'll open himself up and then he'll say, anybody want to lighten the mood? Yeah. So I know this was rough. You're gonna look at, maybe somebody won't come up

and tell us some jokes. Yeah. And then we'll be like, oh yeah, we'll do that. We'll say, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, What's that? Hems! So the king walks in a room and he's wearing his shortest knickers. And he sits down and they rip and he says, I wish I wore my knickers that was the same length but stronger material because it'd be great if my butt weren't showing. King loves that one Speaking of walking in rooms may we walk through these

Hold on these guys are trying to jump on the guns They're trying to jump on our guns Wait, where are your guns? Look at these boys Oh, look at these boys. Oh, wow, don't show. Yeah. We are but weary travelers on a great quest to defeat the evil. It's me and how they start some respite here.

It's weird how they started kissing those dogs. Yeah, it's party. Don't be rude. This is my house. This is my house name. This is my other house name. Oh, my God. Yeah, and I kissed him both too

listen how about your mouth's kind of met in the middle while kissing the dog yeah that's right what a dog has long hair and I thought it was a pasta is that what the phrase here the dog comes from I believe sad yeah kissing the dogs hair meets in the mall listen guys it saves like you guys won't really bad he told you the king right yeah yes I about this how about this I'll go inside. I'll see what he's up to Happy so you can you can stay out here. You can see you know You can keep these guys company there seem like kind of guys who might go snooping if we leave them alone

Right, and you're gonna say why is he walking around outside of the castle? Yeah, go talk to the king Why isn't he just going in the door up the stairs directly to him? Yeah, I have a special yeah, we got a special entrance. Yeah, it's all the way around back Far away you guys can't see it and nobody can see it. It's like it's a secret entrance that we keep real secret Yeah, and is there why that velvet rope up there? Oh, no, no, that's that's not for us No, the entrance is it quit asking us about the entrance guys Cuz I can't see the entrance you're right, but I see a velvet rope which leads me to believe that you're gonna Ask about the entrance just just stop asking about the footboard up there. Yeah, wait, that's different

There's a different that's a different thing That's that's how to know me's yeah, yeah, that's a different. That's a different thing. Okay. That's that's how the normies get. Yeah. Yeah. That's how the normies get. That's how people who aren't tight with the king go in, they stand there in line. Yeah. Light and then they and then somebody comes says, sorry, too many dudes. Yeah. So many dudes you can't come in. So Boltzmann, so herpes.

Uh, I will. Herpes. Herpes. Let us, uh, please, go contact the king if you like. Uh, I need a moment, uh, to speak to my compatriots. If you're allowed to step away. All right, we're gonna walk away. Don't you dare follow us. Yeah, you try the right one. I'll try the left one today. Okay, cool.

Sounds good. Ah, he jumped. Yeah. I'll do you with at least bit concerned. They haven't even said the name of this king one time. Yeah. Last time I was here, Queen Samantha was on the throne, and I spent a lovely week with her. Oh, dish. Oh, is this a set up to a joke? Yes, good. Samantha walked into a room, and she was like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry lovely week with her. Oh, oh, Dish or is this a set up to a joke? Yes, good Samanta walked into a room and she was wearing her most lovely corset and I

Said to her I like that corset what I can see that in cleavage fuck man How do we pay let us in we were supposed to pay that off? Plus if you start with if the joke is she's wearing she's wearing her lovely scores, there's nowhere to go. Oh, man. I'm not a comedian. I'm a wizard. Aren't you trying? Um, I can't tell if you're tired from the vlog, or...

Well, yeah, I am. No, let's see here. Or, exactly, because I put you on the spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, eat some butter. Eat some butter. Okay, yeah, I'm trying to put myself back in the head space. Yeah, yeah. That's when I was on Earth.

I did some improv, but I would more like, I was more of like a stand on the edge and then like when I had something I'd come out. But not a very good light. That doesn't surprise me in much. Oh, I'm not surprised. Oh, the guards are back. Oh, good. Uh, hey guys.

Yeah, how you was up? Listen, you guys are gonna have to chill out here for a bit more Kings real busy We had a nice a nice chat with him. He's I could see you guys They come in again. We really I'm glad to see you here. I'm bathing in the nude and then my two best friends coming Oh best friends and we believe it that you're best friends But just just for fun Z's because this is something we do with all guards on the count of three

Can both of you say the king's name? No? What why would you not be able to do that because because he don't like Sprint rumors, you know, he doesn't want to spread a room about what his name is Not to outsiders anyway anybody who's in there knows the name, but like he don't like to let you guys outside is no You like to keep it once you're into walls. You're in the club, right? But like until then it's keeping a mystery Yeah, is it weird that when they left there was no guards to take their place? Yeah And that's also sleep sleep deprived. It's also weird that we didn't just try to open the door Well, we were trying to tell jokes. Yeah, right likely excuse us

What so what guy? I mean what you guys want to do you guys want we it probably be like what 30 minutes 4 or 5 minutes maybe hour to hour is not sure But like it we can we I mean we would love to just like hang. Yeah, we'd love to have some tea here a story of you, Jenny. That's great, but you know, I do a podcast that is, you know, we try to keep it like under an hour, let me be with.

Right, right, right. I was really hoping to do like an in real time, like we come up to Vel Smear, we come to the castle, we go in we we have a summit with the king and we we get him to join our battle against the dark lord you kind of move up that turn clear on the walk you said you want it to be like the tracking shot in good fellows yes exactly yeah I don't get the reference but you said that you wanted it to be like that one on

adulterated shot on adulterated yeah Yeah, just one No adulterate you guys come in adulterate. No, I'm a noggin this shot. Yeah, absolutely not man I'm a one lady guy. Yeah, right. Yeah, what about this dog? Hmm? What about guns? I said one lady And what a pretty nasty with the dogs yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine though. like it oh here it's not weird no no nobody in there nobody in there has any problem with our relationship with our dog no I like you know you want to come in here you want to see some action let's just open the gate for yeah why don't we just open the gate yeah yeah yeah yeah let's turn around let's give it a tug see if it'll go on up yeah cuz if it'll go it might hate the if the guys have maybe King's made his mind. Let's open the gate We'll let the next guys stop them. Yeah, maybe yeah, so there are more guards. There's like a

Yeah, there's plenty of real guards and if God's in there. Yeah, plenty. Yeah, it's like a surahisus or who are the other seris? Yeah, you get Sir Royus Yes, for sure. Sir, sir, ringworm. Sir, rassa rassa. Sir, rassa rassa racha. Sir, I did, sir, I did not. Sir, I did not. Sir, I've serpent.

You've got, sir. Are you trying to say sir, pint? Sir, no, sir, the drunken. Oh, no, sir, sir, he's a snakey pint. No, it's a... Oh, it's a... He's... He's a... Snaky bastard. Oh, sorry. Well, let's just open up the gate here

and give it a warm nendertune. And... Oh! It's a little heavy! Oh, hell yeah! Man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man must be the code. Yeah, are you? Yeah, let me do the code. Spin that little dial. Fffft, fffft, fffft, spin it back. Spin it through. Okay, and a one and a two and a one.

Yes! And you're not budging. Yeah, right, swed. What? That's so freaking weird, man. Massurf and turf? Oh, you know surf and turf? You know surf and turf.

Yeah. He's a good god. Good god. Yeah. Oh, man, guys, I don't know why this gate's not opening. That's weird, man. Well, we should take a quick break and then find out if we can open the gate when we return.

OK, yeah, that's a great idea. And I'll think of more. So Arnie, the king walks in. And we're back and I'm so sorry I tried the whole length of the break. I tried to think of a punchline for that one. So I'm almost there. Hmm. I don't know. You said, or do you got one? Well, if I was wearing a better pair of boots, this toenail would not be so ingrown, causing me to get this infection that will ensure that someday my foot shall have to be abutated. That's a good one, you see.

That's a good one, man. You're good at that, there you go. Thank you so much. Now I must ask you, I noticed before when we had a small conference and the two of you walked away from the door for a moment I noticed that you both went and stood behind that tree. Oh You saw that did you now? I know I picked out too far. Oh God you always picked too soon And I've got such a big head dude in his name. It's just Well, did you get up. You caught us. We did.

Uh oh. What are these guys known to truth now? We do. Uh oh. Cats out of the bag. There we go. See you later. The hair, the feather is in my cap, and we call it macaroni.

We're caught. Yeah. Why are you being incredulous towards us? We are. It's a, you caught us. You caught us. Hey, stop pushing us, guys. You caught us. You caught us. Hey, stop pushing us guys. You caught us.

You caught us. I don't know what we caught them doing. I think they're not. I mean, I've been kind of picking up on it. Instead of spears, they just have kind of sticks. And on their on their breastplate, it's just a sigil. Like local sigil. I don't want to look closer at this.

It's gated. It looks like it's just painted onto this wall. With shit. Yeah, listen guys. We got to come clean, okay. We're genius painters. Yeah, we're genius painters. Uh-huh.

And this is not the front gate of the castle. You guys came in for this. You're at the butt of the castle, huh? You're at the butt and we ain't even nights, guys. You're not nights. No, we've been trying to get into Valesmean for like months, right? But like the weight list is so long. Yeah.

And we've just been waiting out here kind of like, you know, like faking it too. You make it. That's a phrase I heard. We were like, let's go buy some cheap armor. That's why it's so rusty and dirty. We just buy some cheap armor stand outside and then like, and maybe they'll see us doing such a good job that the king or it might actually honestly, it might still be Queen Samantha in there. We don't know.

We ain't been in dress for the job you want. Exactly. So we went and bought these cheap armless loots. Second hand store. Yeah, and like, and we had some paint, so we painted the gate on here. And like, those, we can't get you in here. That's all right. And in case you don't have it on earth, a second hand store is usually if someone is born

with two hands on the same arm, they can't do much. So they usually just open up a store where they sell stuff that people don't want. Yeah. Oh, you're second in, you old arm. You farm legados. You know, good William.

Good William is, he runs the second hand store. Oh, yeah. Hey, did you guys know of good William will come to runs the second hand. Oh, yeah. Hey, did you guys know, good William will come to your house and pick up your crap? I can't be right. Yeah, good William. With his two hands on one arm? Yeah, he'll get on the horse and he'll come with a wagon

and he'll just pick up your crap and bring it for you. Yeah, good William's a good guy. He's good in a lot of ways. I had just gonna join the Salvation Army after this. Really? Dang. You don't want to mess with him. That's the Salvation Army do.

Oh, they go around there to mean us. That's a lot of... It's like an ironic name where you talk to a giant tiny. It's like the Salvation Army is like the damnation Army. They make your bag for Sal salvation like a pathetic little loose Yeah, but these guys are ruthless and they'll do anything for money So actually one of the things they'll do for money. They'll have their largest person in the army Dawn offers and they'll ring a bell

They hypnotize you into giving up your full purse Whatever's in your purse you dump in his little satirel and that's his now. That's the army. Yeah Sometimes around holidays that he'll wear other costumes to sort of like like make you think about the holiday like like like a wild boar day you guys know about wild boar day maybe that might just be from around here but it's a day where we celebrate all the wild boars and sometimes the big giant salvation on me he'll dress like a big giant bore with a big bead And he'll just wing his little bell and no soil mattresses. Yeah, yeah, if you should the bed you're on your own Yeah, he would they don't you dare try to give him that

But yeah guys, I'm sorry we kind of put up a whole big rose because we thought these guys look like cool Do's these are kind of guys that they'll lead into the castle So we were like let's get in with these guys. Yeah, right. We got the armor. You got the charisma. Yeah, you guys seem cool, man Oh, that's very kind. I think we have glomers on I think these guys are star fuckers You say you have a podcast yeah, yeah, what's your list? Yeah? I think they're gonna invite themselves onto our podcast. I mean, cause here's a thing,

you know what's better than three guys? Is the Elana podcast? Four guys. Four guys. Five guys. Five guys all talking very loud over each other and like not listening and just like screaming,

like that makes a podcast good. Is when it's four, four, you could pick one of us. I mean, you're trying to cut out some herpes? I, I, I, I didn't want to rock the bow to a lot and too much weight to the carriage, you know what I mean? Yeah. You'll get a flat tire if you add too much weight to the carriage. Classic metaphor, only halfway done. Yeah, and Arnie Infuna, a flat tire is what you call when a horse becomes overworked

It becomes tired and all the all the meat and viscera and organs come out both ends of it and it flatens out It's where you have to swap it out. It's gonna drain. Yeah, yeah anyway Look hey if there's an opening we'd love to do you know take a long but like it's no big deal We're just looking for something to do. Well, why don't we all five attempt to enter the castle together? Why not? Sure, yeah, I mean hey, I'll oh, oh, gladly Probably help because you know we couldn't reach the rope We couldn't reach the big velvet rope. We only got two guys. It probably won't help much since you just painted this door on let's Let's all walk around to the castle. It's maybe it might be a bit of a

World and this guy seemed tired already He'll be alright also if they see us they're gonna kill We should let you guys know that like we've tried some pretty fucked up stuff to get into the castle And like we might want to like put on bags or something on our faces or like, what maybe like, I don't know, wheels high behind you guys. Well here you go, I have some face bags right here. I'm not.

Oh right. Yeah, put this right on my head. Things you've done are so bad that they're more likely to just let in a bag face person. Yeah, but I'll be honest, last week, this lady and her daughter were leaving uh are they on their way back from from going somewhere don't know I um I held them hostage and I like walked up with my sword and I was like you let me in oh

I'm gonna kill this lady and her daughter that's terrible yeah and then they let me in and I was like shit I gotta go through with it yeah so then I killed this lady in this and this daughter like right outside the cake and everybody was like Oh my god, and I was like now hold this against me. I'm sorry. You won't know it the saddest thing is those two lumps Literally the lady in her daughter. Yeah, nothing deeper than that. That's the saddest part Freshly dug grades all the saddest thing you could ever see. Actually having a deal with you, Carnage. Yeah, now, one, this is a despicable act and I will bank with evil and this was an evil act.

You won't kill me, I might have to. Oh, come on. First I must hear. Why won't they allow you to enter? Oh man, this story, this story is long. Good. And it's like, it's like, can we get the arrow points? Just like, yeah, I mean, maybe it's not interesting, but like, we'll tell it. Yeah, let's hear it while we walk around. Okay. One day, you know, I was out in the streets, you know, just walking around, giving people

a hard time, you know, like I do. Yeah, being normal. Being normal hard time, you know lock a day. Yeah, being normal being normal just, you know Whistling it people telling people hey fatty, you know, whatever you're a bit of a heck worth a bit of a heck They're right and so this big fat booty, you know big booty bending over picking up a sword and I said hey fat booty Fat booty not interested Fat booty fat booty not interested Wait you made it a point to go out of your way to see this yeah, yeah But then guess whose head popped up the king the king had the fat booty and I had told him I wasn't interested It really hurt his feelings. So it's not so much that you didn't get in there as much as you've been kicked out So it's not so much that you didn't get in there as much as you've been kicked out Well, I mean it's depends on perspective right either way either way we're not in and out

So let's not hop on what how it happened or what happened and let's just say you know We're trying to rectify the situation now. I don't even know what I would do if I got inside. Yeah, I mean what do I want? Well, I'll tell you how I because I stories are different. I was I was a god In a gardener For you should really not leave a pause there for what for my for my old your Gars dinner dinner. Yeah, well, that's because how I would just shorten it because it's like who wants to say the whole word over time But then I realized people were like confused I'm a god that and I'd be like dinner and then they'd be like oh, I'm not interested anymore

You've had many dates walk out. Yeah, the beginning like there. Yeah, yeah, because that's first question What you do for a living and I'm like I'm a guard and they're like a perker and a like no thanks I don't like grass because I tended grass That was my whole thing like my garden was just grass and it was outside a local restaurant and some people say that's not even a garden If it's just grass it's more of a thing. I know what don't talk shit Don't talk shit to me. I'm a tin that grass just like I tin your veggies and who will you say in that two unbeknownst the king? So you're more of a Lon the king. So you're more of a lawn anore. You could say I'm a landscaper. Okay. All right. Well,

you don't really landscape though, do you? No, I let the grass grow like crazy. You just kind of allow grass to grow. The job you did on these two bodies over here is atrocious. Yeah, it's embarrassing. Yeah, no, I left them out. I didn't knew you were burying them. I kind of just covered them and dirt on top of the ground. Yeah, that's why one. That's why the mounds are so tall. Oh, but anyway, so the king hates us for this and him. Yeah, we dis, we dis disaster. We dis disaster. He said get out of here. So then why do you want to get back in? Yeah, and if you are already so hateful towards him, because it's like so nice.

Yeah, it was an accident. We were trying to hate the king. You were just, you know, being mean to people. And it happened to hate the king you were just you know being mean to people and it happened to be the king yeah how to be his ass and his grass yeah yeah his ass was grass that's a joke we made it to each other as we were leaving he farted and it was so it's and we were like oh not got a little bit of gas to yeah and he and it was like it was ass then it was grass now was gas are you kidding me and then he booted us out like Like like it was a ball that he was kicking no one gets into balsamere for free. No. Yeah, anyway you're booted You're you know hate your head your days confused. Yes. I see now that you are not evil, but misguided

Must now allow you some opportunity to recompense for your past misdeeds I think they might be evil if you Now allow you some opportunity to recompense for your past misdeeds. I think they might be evil. If you... What? If you take an oath and swear your loyalty to Yusodor, and say that from this day forth you shall do no rude acts, no unkind acts, and shall only treat people with kindness and dignity,

then I shall speak to these gods. When we get around together, there's either the castle too many things too many things big hard no Big hard no this is an opportunity to recreate your story you said or you said bottom says what? What bottom says what what are the razors? You man what the whole time you were talking They each had a candle and they're holding up the candle to parts of your body that they think you could you could use some work on You didn't see that I did I thought they were just notice this legs attention right here. Yeah Yeah, I got a little sick. I'm gonna get a little sit on my finger

Let me put a little circle on his thigh. We'll get you need to get that taking care of Take off your shit take off your shit. Oh here. All right Take off your shit take off your shit. Oh here. All right Don't do it. I thought they were just honoring the fact that I'm the master of light and shadow I know I can't tell us right in a bad region. Do we want to do a reduction or an implant? It needs something is going Do an implant we we've heard what kind of gardener he is. Yeah, okay, so a sub reduction All right, that's fine. Hey, I can do that. We can do whatever we need to do for him.

Oh, sorry, guys. We just have a bit of fun. So you don't want an opportunity to change your lives and become the self-taught. Well, wait, do me. Do me. Do me. All right.

You want to know if we can do a big nose? Big nose? Could you, sir? Funny colored hair I thought I could take it I can Okay, you're crying I would probably cut his nose in about a Seven ace to the ball fall off the ball. I don't want the horns He can literally change his format, Will,

and yet he's still very sensitive about whatever she's using. Yeah, change into a beautiful version of yourself. I don't want to do this because whatever it changes to your... No, no, no, we promise. If it's good, we won't say nothing. Yeah, right, maybe some shave.

Huh? Huh? Ugly. Yeah. Wow, ugly. Yeah, that's actually... I Wow Very ugly you chosen ugly thing I mean when they're right that right you can change back if you want Yeah, I prefer the badger. Yeah, I prefer anything to this Actually

I'll sick it for a minute guys I'm sick you fuck off for a minute guys fuck off No, no, no, no, no, buddy, if you go over there take this phone and find out Okay, yeah, I'll be right I think chunders a sweet little bad I think so too. We haven't done it yet. No, you know what? There's no point. I've given up I mean he is you don't want none No, no, I'm you see what we can do. You don't want none? No, no, I'm not. You see what we can do now. You don't want none, huh? No, I'm just like I'm kind of happy to not worry about it. How did you get out of the kitchen? What? Get out of that kitchen. First thing

lifts in the shoes. Need to be taller. Need to be taller. Yeah, that should be the first thing maybe do some squats get that butt working Yeah, yeah big tits Tits They have a very good a static sense. Oh, no, it's great. Yeah, look like big real big like like like let's do like you know Toulite with bigger teeth Also Bigger teeth. Interesting. Also, let's sculpt that face a bit. Give you bigger cheekbones. Yeah, new face.

Not whole new face, actually. I wanna take his face. Oh, oh, yeah, let's take his face off. You having fun here, honey? I mean, it's weird. On one hand, objectively, I can't disagree with you. But on the other hand, I weirdly can't take it personally at all. That's it, this guy gets it. Right.

You should be able to take a burn, right? Like, you guys are soft. We, me, Bosman, happy, we are hard, man. Look, we can take it, so we did shit as hard as we can take it. Yeah, why don't you try to do us? Yeah, try to do us boys. Good luck. I think you're beautiful just the way you are.

I think you're dicks. I'm back. I heard we're roasting them. Yeah. Yeah, do your best. Do your best, my son. Arnie, they both have butter in their faces. From the butter we give them really? Oh, we've reached their palms.

Do you something with that? Talk about their butter faces. Okay. No, don't. Please don't. We've reached their palms do something with that talk about their butterflies. Okay No, don't Anything but this anything with this don't make fun of our butterflies This is all one weakness in you know you can notice Please don't please God, please keep thinking thinking, don't say nothing. Don't just cut me to the cool.

Hey, you don't know how many will hurt if you do, man. If you want to see waterworks, give me any sort of insult at all. Good. A couple of dairy squares. Nice class! Yay! Yay! You guys are mean! You guys are mean! You guys are mean! This glass! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH What the two of you have been very need to everyone

We got tiny little dicks I'm here already already. Hammy. Hammy. Hammy. Makes me sad. Hammy a sword. Hammy a sword. Okay, I hear the best thing to do is to add injury to insult who just give you a little Cut their little dick This is actually a lot great Good maybe They cut their little dicks. Oh, you thought this is actually an upgrade? Yeah, good, maybe a wall. It looks like an injury, not a disgusting body part.

Right, maybe a growl like you've pruned it. Yeah, maybe we're like lizards. Maybe we're like lizards and antics will grow now. So, you can't open one. You're fine, like lizards., like octopuses or like other animals They're when they lose something that grows back bigger There's so many people up on the castle wall Hey!

We have to disassociate ourselves from this game We have to disassociate ourselves from this game We have to disassociate ourselves from this game We have to disassociate ourselves from this game We have to disassociate ourselves from this game We have to swim guys! Why these three guys are cool! There's a no-no, we're not in the middle! What's that like with cotton? We caught them. Oh yes, here!

We have captured these villains that have stood outside your walls. Okay sure, we're prisoners! Let us into the jail! Yeah, well we would love them to be in jail here! Did you fade your prisoners? It's real shitty of them not to respond. Hey! We're talking to you! Alright, let's just go around to the front gate and see if they'll let us in with these prisoners who killed those two... I'm bleeding, man.

We're real bad guys. Yeah, from my little dick! Yeah, and it looks crazy. They might be dead by the time we even get to the front gate. It's a very big castle. Oh Happy This is the end of the road for us mate. I Hope not it's been such a long Horrible journey. Yeah, hope it doesn't end like this. We've been together for like what like two three months

Yes, two of three months of my life I've never been closer to somebody in my whole life And now we're gonna just die here together bleeding out from our crutches Hey, you know what maybe we should just lay down Yeah, this looks like a nice soft spot. I'll show a little deer Oh, no, they're giving us the mother daughter treat me Inelvedam laying here, it makes her bed Hey the king I bet you wish you had a bed like this That's pretty good wish you could be as comfortable as we are sitting on your tables.

I think I'm going to the big toffee in the sky. He's dead you, mama. They have not lost that much blood. I can see you, mama. It's me, Margaret. Reach out for me, mama. You really more scratch their tiny penises. No, there's a lot of blood. It's blood. If you can see a little bit, it's just... Soon will be dead bodies that should be brought into the castle and put in one of the places where dead bodies go in there.

Probably laid right next to the king. Yeah, I think he likes to have his dead bodies put next to him. Let's put these bags over their head. Yeah. Oh, he's so fucking him. I think it's our fault for spending so much time with them. We can repeat. There was an empathetic quality. It's like, we want so much time with them. Like, we can repeat. Like, there was an empathetic quality. It's like, we want to, you know,

we want to be heroes along the way. So if these guys need to get into a castle, right? It's my last breath. I want to let you know who me, know the other guys, the castle has visiting hours from three to five. If you go in the front front game give them your license. Why did you say that was the beginning? Three to five every other week.

So if you just wait a little time you could go riding. Yes it's the first day of the week. Three to five. So as long as you know what day it is you could probably get in. But she would told us that from the beginning. Yes, a nice smooth process from what I've heard. Yeah, not bad. Wait, it's incredible that Sir Herpes has been saying that every...

Herpes? For the last five minutes, everything's been with one final breath. I haven't seen him take one intake for that thing. And with my last final breath, I want to also tell you guys um something. I also want to use it. Four year old now. It's incredible knowing the knowledge that he needs to do it in one breath. He's drawing it out.

I want to use my last breath to tell you something cool. He's using a lot of, he's mitigating the... I've got a funny story. Oh, thank God I've got one another last breath. Good, good. What you say, yours? I'm gonna, I've got some I also want to say. Is it a joke? This one time I was eating lunch with my dad and what did he say? He said, do you like your sandwich? Because I hate it! I mean, I guess should we still do an email or something?

Yeah, I mean, I'd normally say since their dining would be appropriate, but it's gonna be a while. Yeah, I mean, I'd normally say since they're dying, it wouldn't be appropriate, but it's gonna be a while. Yeah, I think so. Here, I have one, you know, listener, you can always email me at Magic Tavern at Puppy's otherwise. Oh, sorry, let's hope. That's true, listeners. Yeah, dress for the job you want.

Yeah, it's so hard to know what things are supposed to be pluralized. But here's an email I got at Magic Tavern at Puppy's that supplies. The subject line is underwater. Hi, Arnienie my name is Ben And I wanted to ask you said or this person spelled as name wrong Can you and other wizards breathe underwater?

Ben yes, okay pretty pretty good. Well, let me have for how long what for how long can you breathe underwater? What do you mean? Do you hold your breath or do you give yourself gills or what's going on? I just breathe underwater. I guess as long as I want. I guess yes, really pretty much from corporate. I was really trying to make a meal out of that. That was a morsel. Well, let's take these dogs off these guys' heads.

Oh, thank God! Sorry I put those dogs in your heads. We just wanted a minute to read an email. Yeah, that's okay Really almost smothered me there for me Stinky dog by the way you ever give him a little flea bath. We should have Yeah, they're not our dogs. Oh, they put all dogs on our heads Bowd's man, what if we let happen to our dogs You care about your dogs you don't care about killing a woman and a child.

It was more ticket, I thought. I was like, man, this is the only way. Yeah, it was bad for sure. Also, I'm sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm sorry for killing an innocent lady. Also, it's sort of. Also, it sort of sounds like you killed a woman and child

because they wouldn't let you in on the days that they don't let people in Yeah, and already do we just kill these We slowly walk away. Yes. I was just gonna say let's just walk away Well, I mean I'm tired I can only walk so I know a breath I'm so thankful so I could keep talking. Alright, let's walk on. It says that you guys don't leave us.

Please don't leave us. Don't leave us in the field. Life moves so quickly. How often is it that we've just met some fascinating, complicated new characters, and suddenly we've lacerated their penises and are watching them die, and the circle of life continues. We'll hear that clip from the clue episode of Earth Games in just a moment, but first, use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the shapeshifter was played by Adolfie.

Sir Balmsman and Sir Hairpiece were played by John Mackie and Ryan Rosenberg from the improv group Big Grande. Check out their podcast The Teachers Lounge, which will be releasing weekly for free on Irwolf This Fall, and is currently available on Stitcher Premium. And Ryan has a new podcast coming out on Patreon called You're the Man Now Dog. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer, Kimmy Lucas.

This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. What was the nature of this assistance? We can be certain of one thing, and one thing only, it was special. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller Leban. Theme song by Andy Poland. Okay, we're going to end with a clip from the first episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller Leban. Theme song by Andy Poland. Okay, we're going to end with a clip from the first episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern

Presents Earth Games, which is out now exclusively on Stitcher Premium. You can get a free month of Stitcher Premium with promo code Magic, and it's a great way to support the show. In exchange for all these years of whatever it is that's happening. Besides getting access to offices and bosses season 2, all available on Stitcher Premium now, you'll also be able to listen to Earth Games every week as it comes out. And when Earth Games is done, it'll be followed by more episodes of Behind the Tavern, the behind the scenes Magic Tavern podcast, and then more mini-series after that, until every drop of marrow has been sucked from the bones of this concept. Learn more at stitchopremium.com slash magic.

Alright, I've got to stay ahead of traffic. They're doing that thing today where they throw the sphere around the big half-bull in everyone's screams. Enjoy this clip from the first episode of Earth Games. Alright, I'm going to put this envelope with the giant question mark on top of the stairs at the middle of the board And I'm gonna pick it up and open it so we can figure out who did what with what and what no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Now? Well, no, because that's the whole game. If someone's murdered, we shouldn't waste time. You may discover that you yourself, Colonel Mustard, are the murderer. Hey, Mr. Mulder. So you just want to open the envelope and find out everyone, and are you ready for that

realization about yourself? I mean, if we're being honest, I probably did it. Can I just confess right now? Okay, fine. Let me look. It was Colonel Mustard, but sexual impropriety! Oh, they're telling a joke. Let me look, it was Colonel Mustard for sexual impropriety. Oh, they're telling a joke, is there final, is there final breath?

Sir Boltzmann and Sir Hepys walk into a field wearing detainious peduses. And what did I say? That he said, I wish I'd worn my bigger penis than none of this would happen. Well, just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. I'm coming back please. Actually, I get it now. I get it.