Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 50 - Mail Night

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

It's time to catch up on e-mails. And it's a descent into madness.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Greetings soundwave enthusiasts! Another day, another chance to rip a page off my cats enacting your favorite Bible scenes with a big little lies quote beneath it, calendar. Let's see. We've got Mordecai defending King Ahazueras in front of Esther, staged by three adorable little Persian kittens I see what they did there, With the quote, champagne is never a mistake. Well, you keep me guessing, I'll give you that calendar. So shall we lose ourselves in an all-consuming adventure

with cherished and relatable characters at its center? Or, you know, listen to another installment of this thing. You want this? Okay. I suppose even the imagination can develop its own unfortunate version of Stockholm syndrome sit back and enjoy the show Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie E. Camp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About 5 years ago, in some change, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, and it's a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago and it's a magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest at a Feet the Dark Lord.

And I am joined by my badger friend, Talbitt, the badger. Hey, how you doing, Talbitt. Hey, how you doing, Talbot? Yeah, I still, I guess I realize I still don't understand Badger talk, but it's good to run into you. I am glad to see you, Talbot. Oh shit, look at the time. I'm supposed to get those other guys up via rune. Let's see here, I got a finger there.

Yeah, you're gonna get pal, but I need only to use that tone with me. Uh, alright, I am also joined by my other Badger co-host, uh, Chant the Badger Head. Oh yeah, actually today, I'm gonna go by Flex Mulligan. Cause look at this body. Arnie, look at this body. Look, it's at this body. Arnie, look at this body. Look, it's japtition.

There's no question, but it is decomposing rapidly. Let me just rip down this tree. Oh yeah. Ooh, look at me raising this palm tree above my head and spinning it. Ooh, that finger broke off. Yikes. Oh, yikes, bikes.

Yeah, for people who didn't tune in last week and hey, that was a mistake, cause it was a great episode. Chant, you found a... Flex Mulligan, please. Sorry, Flex. You found a corps, a mussely corps, and you stuck your badger head on top of it?

Yeah, I don't know any better way to describe it than the words you just used. Yeah, I think that's probably right. Oh, Flex! Good news, I don't know any better way to describe it than the words you just used. Yeah, I think that's probably right. Oh, flex! Good news. I don't know if you noticed. You know, I've been using the subsidian sword to slowly slice through the walls of the shattering, and for listeners, lovable others, this thing going on.

I can't explain the sub-premise every week. Anyway, as I traveled from one section of the shattering to another, I ran into Talbot, our old buddy Talbot. Oh, that's amazing. Wait, real quick, did you say we have a sub-premise today? Because if we do, I'm gonna play all kinds of jokes on him. Put a tack on their chair. I'm gonna go buy a different name, like Flex Mulligan.

If we have a sub-premise, I'm gonna fucking go crazy. Well, yeah, we, hey, Flax. Yes? Talbot is the sub premise, let's talk. Right, right, right, okay. Well, actually, Badgers have a lot of funny routines, so let me, hey, Talbot. You know a lot of warriors today have really unusual names.

Like, who's the mage? Who? Who? No, that's his name. Who's the mage? Who? Who? Who? No, that's his name. Who's the mage? Who? Who? No. I'm asking you. That's kind of fun. Yeah, but I don't get it either. I am joined also by my third co-host in third place, Yusinor the Wizard. I am Yusinor, Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius,

Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trakis, the Elves Numius Fiengelik, the Dwarves Numius, Zonin in Hukestanges, and I am known in the North East is gas and winniest may star

And there is a name If I were on third base you would not know I don't know What are you we what don't I know what Arnie stop saying the name what name? Arnie you just said you know what you said aren't you dumb fuck? Oh an owl No, not this time. Not not yet. Sorry. Sorry. Falsal arm Usador as look who's here besides of course flex mall again Talbot. Oh hello flex. Hello Talbot Flex them all again. Talbot! Oh hello flex. Hello Talbot. Hello Talbot, go. Come on Talbot. Fucking hell. You can do this. I'm clearly was gonna be the fourth one. All right one more time

Hello Talbot, chave in a haircut. There you go, buddy. You got it. So Talbot, what have you been up to since we last saw you? Are we interviewing Talbot? No offense Talbot. No, we're not gonna interview Talbot. First of all, last week we had animals on.

So we don't wanna go fully animal this week. And now that I think about it, why was Sysil aggressively disbelieving that that Ranger could talk to animals? I have talked to so many animals. Yeah, but that was kind of bullshit. I think so. The ramp thing.

Now, oh, Ahni, who is our guest this week? Well, I'm sorry, I've been a little busy this week, trying to solve the fragmenting. And so I didn't have time to get a guest this week, but I thought, no, we haven't. No, no, no, wait, we're still gonna do an episode. Why do I do that?

Contractually, we have to. Uh-huh. We're still gonna do an episode. And I was thinking, you know know we've been traveling so much and then you know just there's been one sort of drama after another i've got a real behind on answering emails oh yeah we haven't we haven't done any fan service and i know we don't answer emails is often as we probably should

people probably still wonder if they can still reach me at chuntwysixtys at gmail.com. And they're probably wondering does it make sense for me to send an email to Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies and ask them if it's a real email address even though I say repeatedly or used to it's a real email address. And they also probably wonder if they can treated me at Usador the Blue, which they can, and they can send me the same recipe for pizza skulls for the 1,000th fucking time! Usador, usador buddy, buddy, we've talked about this. People don't know.

And if someone's listening to this episode and fell asleep immediately and then woke up right now, they probably think they're at the end of the episode. Oh, okay, see you next week! No, no, no, no, no! You see, we're gonna do a male night! Oh, okay, see you next week. No, no, no, no, no, no. You see, we're gonna do a mail night. Oh, mail night. Mail night. But that's M-A-I-L, right, mail.

Yeah, we're just reading mail. Okay, I guess, who let me pull some emails up on my last panel. Why? I gotta say, I'm feeling a little rusty on answering emails. You feel rusty on answering emails? Yeah, what has changed for you? I don't know, you just fall out of habit of emails, you know, like I'm so far away from being zero inbox, I'm like, I got so many emails.

Yeah, I typically read an email and then I'd take an eight hour nap. Ever since the, you know, the break sees, that's what I've been calling it, the break sees. Oh, yeah, that's good. I'm gonna start calling it the break sees. Damn it. Arnie, if I may, instead of, you know,

getting hung up on how this tuned you are to answering emails, why don't you start by reading an email? Oh, yes, I keep forgetting forgetting I definitely know how to read. Okay, here's an email. It says, hi Arnie, these are my favorite characters. And then the body of the email says, flower, usador, the mysterious man,

the two more warriors, clovus, tom, girm crust, momo, dripfang, and squibbert. And then it, this goes on for a while, and all caps with no spaces. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love these characters. Dr. Trippfang, really, is a character, isn't he? He is.

Such a character. Why did I choose to read that email? Let alone first. Guys, I'm so rusty on answering these emails. Yes, usually we read emails that pose some sort of question to us, for us to delve further into explaining the world of food to Arnie. Yet that seemed to just be a comment which was appreciated and much beloved,

thank the who sent that email. You know what, if someone doesn't tell me it's okay to use their name, I don't say their name. Thank you, Roddenham Pussett. Also that person seemed crazy. That's well nice. Did we ever have a character named Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha? I don't know, some of our guests, they spell their names in such weird ways.

It's possible, like, I don't 100% remember how you spell Momo. I have an email here. This is, I'm going to follow Arnie's suit, and I won't say their name. So I'll give their initials. BL says, good afternoon. Quickest question, can you turn into Alliance? I'm a spelled lion's there.

Actually, is Arnie an alien to you? An alien on Earth is defined as an extra terrestrial creature from outer space, or a foreigner. Can you turn into lifeforms from other worlds or planets? Arnie, why would you be allian to me? Are you not telling a truth? Are you allian? An Allian on Earth is defined as an extra terrestrial creature. Now, as a banter, I am terrestrial. Sometimes I can be a bit fucking extra,

but I wouldn't label myself extra terrestrial. I guess I'm not terrestrial from here. Am I extraterrestrial? Are you ET? We should shorten it to ET. I really keep forgetting to phone home. What is that trail of stuff you're eating? Or, and you don't eat that.

That's ground to stony off the floor. Oh wait, no. This is Al shit. And I gotta say, Al, so fussy about what people do with it's shit. So to answer your question, BL, I could hypothetically turn into Alliance. I don't know if I could turn into more than one, probably just the one.

Now you said they misspelled lions. How are they spelling it? They're spelling Alliance, A-L-I-E-N-S. Alliance. Now you're mispronouncing it. It's a lens. A lens. Ooh, I like that.

A lens. All right, let's see here. A lens. Ooh, I like that. A lens. All right, let's see here. I have another email here. Hi, Arnie, Chuck, and Yusidor. I am a master student at the University of Idaho and the Geological Sciences Department with a specialty in glaciers. Ooh, IE, I am a rock master.

I don't know if that's related. And Yusidor may consult me about any less severe rock activity as they pertain to the DL for rocks move, evolve, and shift, and maybe minions of the DL. I receive my minions of the Dark Lord, say to stop so. That would be bad.

They go on to say, I received my undergraduate degree at Ohio University, oh! And I'm actually from Dayton, Ohio, which basically makes Arnie and I form her neighbors in the grand scheme of interdimensional distance. I mean, yes, I did grow up in Ohio and in the grand scheme of interdimensional distance, if you're from Earth, we're probably neighbors. Whoa, wait, hold on, Arnie, holy shit, you grew up in Ohio and this person's dating Ohio? How does that make you feel?

Um, it's okay, it's a little weird when you eventually find out your state dates, but, you know, you gotta let them have their own life. That's very big of you. Thank you. I know, if someone was dating Foon, I'd be pissed. Why don't you want better for Foon? Foon's gotta get it. I want Foon to be happy, I guess. You're right.

Sure. Anyway, this email continues, and it actually continues with the word anyway. Anyway, I just wanted to let y'all know that hello from the Magic Tavern has been instrumental to my sanity or insanity. They really leave in the door open with that. In the last two years of becoming an ice and rock master

and because of this I will be dedicating part of my thesis to your efforts in defeating the DL. My hope is that by putting my dedication to you on paper in my official thesis, the scientific effort will transfer into food as magic. the scientific effort will transfer into FUNE as magic. Then, Yusudor could use my science as a proxy for magical strength when he comes head-to-head with evil in the days to come. Also, does FUNE have any glaciers? And if so, are there any wizards born of ice and cold and a conspiracy of water elements that were born to navigate FUNE's climate cheers? MS-Candidate, Glacialogy, University of Idaho.

Oh, well thank you for this great boon, transferring your scientific knowledge here to FUNE, where shall become great magic under my control, just surely aid me in my inquest. Oh, what a wonderful gift. But yes, we have glaciers here, far in the north. Ah, it's very, very cold. And there is a wizard that does see over that land, and they are one of the greatest wizards of all. But they spend their time, they're sort of a switch between climates, depending what Tom Vierte is, so a bit of a snowbird, you know, and you know, one part of the year there,

the glacier, one part of the year there, the equator, and you know, they turn into a literal snowbird and fly back and forth. Oh, so they're a master of ice and fire? Yes, master of ice and fire, Yalba. Sorry, I have to disagree with you, Zor. He said what a great gift, but you're naming us in your feces? I don't care about that shit.

Like, come on. Don't be, don't be so fragging about. I'm talking about, do be like that. Don't be fragging about your feces. Don't be fragging about your feces. Wait, I missed that pot. They're going to mention us in their feces. That is offensive.

Disgusting. Look, if you're a shitty to out there there as I said last week. I'm cool Don't double down on this. Okay. I have an email here just to get off topic. So this is from off topic This is from TJ says the title is important wizard questions. So you story better listen up Hi, you said or Arnie and flex. They said, John, but I'm going to change that there. And guess, Talbot, that's you. I've been slowly making my way through your podcast over the course of the last year, and I'm currently in the beginning of season 3.

I have a question that struck me while I've been spending too much time stuck at home for reasons I will not get into here. How is the color of a wizard decided? I understand that it has something to do with their source of power, but how do you know the color the power is? From TJ. That's a great question. So we know there's Genelevia the Red, there's Jamil's The Maw, there's Blorth the Brown, you sort of the blue, Spintax the Green, so that correlates to the color of the power you have? Yes, a blue magic is a type of magic, and my magic is powered by light and shadow.

So someday there shall be another wizard who is someone the blue, long after I have passed and my deeds here are completed, and they shall also be a master of light and shadow. It is just a way to categorize the type of magic and to help differentiate us. It was a system devised many centuries ago by one of the first wizards of food back in the time before time. The time before time?

Yes, you see, the three goddesses. They did begat many sons and daughters and grand children, and the first of those grandchildren became the first wizard, and they were a master of everything and nothing. And then they had way too much shit on their plate. That's a lot. So they set up a set up. You take on everything, but also nothing? Right, right. So they're like, okay, I've got everything and I've got nothing. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna delegate. It was all about delegation at that point.

And that was, of course, a... Careful, this is gonna be important. That, of course, was Funananu, the first wizard. Great. What's Funananu? Funananu. OK. I look forward to saying that name a lot.

Funananu. Funananu. OK, sure. There's a way that names evolve over time. And they start to delegate their wizardly powers out. And they said, I don't want to be in charge of everything and nothing. So they decided that they would appoint

angelic creatures created by the goddesses to therefore take part of their power and be in charge of two separate but opposing forces that allow them to have great powers. And the colors just kind of random. They're like, I don't fuck blue. You said, you said this a minute ago, it reminded me of something.

You said that someday after you die, there will be a different blue wizard, but you did die once, not so long ago, a couple of years ago. And you came back as what I thought of as the same Yusador as before. You got, are of as the same use of the door as before. Are you not the same use of the door? No, I mean like really die. Like when my purpose is done, when my true purpose is done and I die, I'm gone.

So wait a second, if we defeat the dark lord, you die. If that is my true purpose, yes. But my true purpose is unknown to even me. All I know is that a conspiracy of birds and rain and wind and fire and frogs and squirrels and muskrats and some owls and a few manatees. They all decided that there must be a champion to come forth into the world. Now, I assume it's to defeat the Dark Lord because that shit is crazy. Oh, the few manatees. And Arnie, just so you know, a manatee is any seal that comes out after 8 p.m.

Oh, right. So before 8 p.m. they're a seal. So, Houston, or what if your true purpose is to get this podcast, a number one on the Apple podcast chart? I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so. You would live forever. Now will call the action.

Is this the end of the episode? I mean, I suppose it was possible at one point, but what's Conan O'Brien got into the game? We didn't have a chance. All right, here's another email. Oh, shit, this one is kind of an old one. Like I said, I haven't answered my emails with any regularity. This one says, dear Professor Arnie,

in the episode, Professor's Wardrobe, you want buck wild with lies. Saying your friends on Earth have normal names like Matt Young. This is not true. As you are all aware, the list of permitted names is below. All the best Professor Freddie Melons. Well Arnie, I do want to say before you read that list. You once told me in private you said Matt Young? No, no, no. Matt middle aged. I told you that in private. If that got back to Matt middle aged, you'd be so upset.

But he's so old. He probably doesn't know how to dial up a podcast. Well, I imagine it might be more challenging than it is for others, but there's no need for this. You said, or you sound real defensive, calm down. No, I'm not defensive. It's just, you know, as time gets away from you, you know, it's the clock tick-tox on and you're like, what is that? It's up for me. Well, anyway, speaking of stuff on Earth that is hard to understand, it is true. It's been a while since we've reminded listeners that on Earth, and they should know this because

they're from Earth, there's only a certain number of approved names and they are Amelia smelting Foxyry, Henrietta Robotchoms. Oh, I'm two by four. Two by two. Oh, that's sorry. Amelia smelting Foxy Henrietta robot chomps Call him yum yum 2x4 2x2. Oh, that's sorry. I'm getting to it Oliver Bolver, but 10 Lincoln Canon mop pop Mr. Fuente's Dudley Franklin Teddy Freddy Eddie Farnsworth Bucky Conclan Billy Yum Yum 2x2 Cornelius Pendergast Pr Pringle Fitzgerald, Freddie Mellon, Long Mumps, Eugenia Tingle Paw, and I'm gonna be honest, I'm not 100% confident that I'm correctly pronouncing Tingle Paw. Sugar, Farthington, Marple, Sandy Apples, Churchill, Wortherly, Gary, Lisa

Lisa, Bobisa. It kind of sucks that that list is funnier than anything we've ever done. I know. It is one of the greatest things to ever come out of this podcast and we have can take zero credit for it. It's by some person with the name Inquitation Mark's Kate. We should, with Kate's permission, we should have somebody turn that into a song. Just so we can remember those names for future effort. The whole thing?

Yeah, I think so. I know I got really stuck on Billy Yum Yum 2 by 2, but Sandy Apples is a good name too. I mean, there are a lot of good ones. For sure. Cornelius something was the Cornelius one? Cornelius Bendigast. I look I'm clearly familiar with these because I am from... You know that, of course. How did you get your name? Your name's not on the list. Oh yeah. Your name's not on the list. Oh yeah, your name's not on the list. Well, my parents were freedom fighters. Oh, of course.

And they sent you here to this world, join mine quest. After all this time, you've come clean with me and told me the truth. Oh, Arne, you born of those who did fight for truth and justice are now here by my side to help me defeat evil in all of its forms. I have a secret name. What's your name? What's your secret name?

It's Arnie, I thought that was Arnie. Oh, it's Arnie. Because it's not on the list. Yeah, you said it up like it was something fun, but it's not. It's not something fun. I have any fun if you think about it. Try saying it. Arnie. Arnie. Arnie. You know, we've also met some other people from Earth. Jethro Tull is on that list, and we definitely met Jethro Tull. Oh, yeah. King of the road.

King of the road is not Jethro Tull. Even I know that. I'm pretty sure it is. His name is like Ian Anderson, probably, or something like that. Speaking of which, I do have an email that says hello to the Magic Tavern. I just wanted to thank you guys for getting me into Jethro Tall. Turns out they did more than just aqualong. Blair Kenny. And they follow that up with. You can say my full name if you do read this on the podcast. But if I don't read it, never speak it off of the podcast.

Okay guys, can we all make up a solemn pact now you read this on the podcast, but if I don't read it, never speak it off of the podcast, okay guys? Can we all make a solemn pact now when we're not recording? We will not say the name Blair Kenny, at least in full. Blair Kenny. Is that what you said? Get it out now, Blair Kenny.

I just wanna get it right so I know what not to say, because if I don't know, then I'm gonna be like, what was that name again? Blair Kenny. Blair Kenny. When we're off the podcast you can say Blair and you can say Kenny but not together. Not in full. Oh all right. It seems like it's gonna be easy now but now that it's in your head it's pretty tough. For fuck's sake we know Blair Kenny. Fuck. Oh shit yeah I see what you're talking about. I know. Oh boy this is gonna be hard. It's gonna be tough. Well I have Oh shit. Yeah, I see what you're talking about. I know. Oh boy. This is gonna be hard It's gonna be tough. Well, I have an email. Wait, no, I'm sorry. This is very important. Also, they say PS love the show

Oh, that's nice. Thank you. Oh, that's great. I have an email here. This is called Subject funny numbers. Hello from the mundane couch. It's gonna be good This is mostly for chundin' YDor, but I was wondering what- Fuck you. But I was wondering what the funniest number in food might be. We've got a couple of really funny numbers here on Earth, but I'm sure Arnie can explain those. Waiting for your weekly transmission, as always,

from Ryan, please say my name, you dorks. So Ryan said we could say his name. So, oh boy, that's a great question. What are some funny numbers? I guess Arnie, we should start by asking you, what are the numbers that they're talking about? Oh, I'm trying to remember what the, I used to know these. There's the sex one, there's the drug one, there's the upside, there's calculator, boob one. What were they? The sex one I have to assume is two. Because it takes two to make a thing go right?

Or is the sex number three, thirty six because it looks like the position. It looks like what? The position. What position? You know, you've got two people with three prongs and then one person sort of curled around in the back. Arnie, what position... So think of 336, right?

It's two sets of boobs hanging over a limped dick. You know, 336. Six. You know, come on. That's a lot of pressure for one limped dick. You've never done the position where you have two sets of boobs hovering over a limp penis. I mean close. Ah, that's easy.

You're also assuming that one of those sets of boobs isn't attached to the same individual who has the limp dick. Oh, it actually could be. Yeah, it actually could be. So there you go. Check your privilege. 336. Funniest number in Finn. Ooh.

Let's see here. Okay, I have an email from the UK. What is that? I'm the United Kingdom. Oh, a kingdom from Earth. Send my envoys there now and send their most powerful knights to me. You must be nice to be united.

Thank you. Anyway, the email says, the wizard killing dagger that you smuggled into DL's birthday party do you still have it in your party inventory? I have a theory that it must emit a similar magical frequency to the obsidian sword in Arnie's chest, and that if the two blades meet, their powers might cancel each other out, rendering them both null of magical properties and allowing Arnie's wounds to be healed by conventional means. I believe sacrificing both of the only artifacts in this way is a high price to pay, but worth

it to restore one of your fellowships' ability to hug. Best regards, Alex from the UK. Danza, do you think that would work? One of your fellowships, ability to hug. Best regards, Alex from the UK. Dan's a pretty... Use the word you think that would work? Uh, I suppose it's possible, but we no longer have the blade of Vesco Halon. Sure we do, don't you have it? Uh, I don't have it.

John, do you have it? Uh, I don't think so. Let me just... Where I remember one of the things I've recently as a couple episodes ago. Why is it anytime somebody says, do you have it, I always pat my pockets? I know it's not in there, but it's just, it's just, shape your nature to pat your pockets.

Like you might have it. What a world. It's so funny, because sometimes you don't even have pockets. It depends on what form you're in. I feel like I make that motion more to like, soothe others, to be like, oh, he's really checking. That way I let people know, hey, I do care. I am checking.

Pat, Pat. I've noticed that when we're about to pay for our meal at a tavern, that's you're constantly doing that. Like patting at your imaginary pockets. And then you never pay. See, what I do is typically when I'm out to dinner with someone, I won't even reach for my wallet when the bill comes. I'll just keep talking to them.

And then when they go to grab the bill, I'll go, oh, no, no, no, and I'll slowly go reach for my wallet when the bill comes. I'll just keep talking to him. And then when they go to grab the bill, I'll go, oh, no, no, no. And I'll slowly go to put my hand on the bill, but wait until they've taken it fully. And then I go, really thank you. I think that answers the question. Oh, I have an email here. This is from, oh, this is from Garrett Schultz.

That name sounds made up. And it says, you should take a brick. Huh. Huh. That's good advice. Wise advice. All right. We're gonna take, yeah, just a couple of minutes.

Remember, when we're stepping during the break, do not say Blair Kenny. Okay, guys, and I hate to bring this up right away, but we all did a really bad job at not saying Blair Kenny during the break. The only thing I said, and I'm so sorry, even Talbot said it. I know, we were just like screaming it into the sky. It was weird. Well, I think you planted that seed in our brain to make us take this oath to not

said off the air. And I forget why? Why does it matter that oath to not say it off the air. And I forget why? Why does it matter that we don't say it? They said we can say their name in full on the podcast, but they did not give us permission to say it in full off of the podcast. They did not explicitly say we should not, though. I deleted it immediately. I can't go back and find it.

I can't keep that shit cluttering up my inbox. I can't imagine the harm of saying the name Blair Kenny not on the podcast. Like what, eh, what would be the ramifications? Blair Kenny, if you're out there and you're still listening and what are the odds, email us and let us know for certain whether we can or can't say your full name off of the podcast.

Also sweet fuck. How do we not say ramifications last week? Anyway, a god damn it. Anyway, we have another email here. This is called Smoking and Podcasting. Hi Arnie, Usador and Flex. He said chunk, but I'll change it to Flex. On Earth, we have this magical plant called Maratioana that when smoked expands the mind and relaxes the body. Is there anything like that in Fune?

If so, how much of it do you guys use when making this podcast? Sounds like a gateway drug. Oh shit, I just dropped an egg. I was about to eat a raw egg because I'm just jacked bodybuilder and I need to keep my protein up, but I just dropped it and scrambled. I could have been my brain. Yeah, that metaphor works for me. I mean we have more glorb.

We've talked about more glorb, right? Oh yes. Do you need some? You used the door and chant, like how often are you guys on some substance during the podcast? I sometimes use a vape quill. It's a writing utensil that when you write a letter to someone, it sort of gets you a little, you know, feeling pretty cozy, feeling good,

sort of a head and body high, which is kind of nice, but it's smokeless. And I, as a powerful wizard, have a great deal of resilience and I test all manner of substances on mine's health, not to mention contraptions and machinations. You know, sometimes, and if I'm being honest, not often, but sometimes I'll sneak a sip of red potion before an episode, but no more. Arnie! Arnie! Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Yeah, you ride the, uh, no. Ride the, ride the smell slopes? No, snow, no. Huh. I started saying that and I thought it was gonna work, but it didn't. Yes, I consider my own body, uh, testing ground for all manner of things. In case I need to find some new in-road against the forces of evil, I test every manner of substance I encounter. Why I haven't chested in my life for these over 300 years, I would say six to 28 different substances every day.

Now sometimes it's just stuff like putting super in my butt. Other times it's things like knock-off. No, no. Do you ever ever? Yeah. Sometimes, you know, it's just a nice piece of toast. And I treat my body like a temple of doom. There's bugs all inside my innards.

Why do I have to be bugs? So starts great, but goes downhill fast. I don't know, it's my favorite. The whole thing? Out of our three bodies, minus my favorite. Yeah, that's weird flex, but whatever. Here, let's see here, I've got an email with the subject line, oh, this is gonna be good.

Help! Sun obsessed with buttholes. High Arnie, Chant and Yucidor, and it's kind of rude of them to not call you flex. I've been catching up with your podcast over the last two and a half months, and unfortunately, listen to some of it while my 14-year-old son could hear. Mom, what are you doing in there? He is now obsessed with But hole talk and Chant.

So much so that he's written a shape-shifting badger with multiple buttholes into his dungeons and dragons role-playing game. The character he wrote likes to scratch his multiple buttholes, and then shake other people's hands. That sounds about right. I'm afraid the parents of the other kids he plays with are going to hate me. How do I explain or apologize for my error and my son's new obsession? Thanks, Mandy. This is a tough one. This is difficult. I mean, but holes are to be celebrated. I feel like all but holes, especially multiple, should always be a cause for celebration. And I feel like there should be some sort of butthole cake or something that you might serve to celebrate this. I'm frustrated that she's embarrassed

by this or she wants to apologize to anyone. The more buttholes the better. Mandy, at the very least, you should tell your son to update his character so that it's got an incredibly jacked muscle body. Everyone follow my lead on this. Mandy, listen to me now. This is Yusodoa. And I want you to play the following section of this podcast for the parents of those other children. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Flex and Arnold, how are you today? Hello, I am doing good. How are you doing? You sit or the wizard? I am very well. Is it nice to do good deeds to help people in need? Oh yes, doing good deeds is what every person should do. It's your responsibility. Also, it looks good on your application to colleges. Well, I'll see you both at the temple this weekend.

They just play that part for the parents, and I'm sure they'll be fine. But don't play anything else. You got me Blair Kenny? No, don't, no! Oh, shit, you're right. We don't have permission to call other e-mailers Blair Kenny in full. Are there any more e-mails?

Yeah, any more e-mails on this mail-night. Mail-night. Mail-night? I got one here. Dear Ernie Chant and Yusidor, and then they go on and say Yusidor's full name, which I gotta say, is easy for them to cut and paste, but hard for me to read the whole thing. Um, let's see here. Well, I can just say it.

No, that's okay. Are you sure? I can say it. No, no, no. Did they call you Ernie? No, they called me Ernie, but they did not call you Flex. No. But they called me, you should always have

the 12th realm of a feces master of light and shadow, manipulative, magical lights to the hour of chaos champion with the great halls of progress, known to the elves as fying alachnum, known to the dwarves as zonium senges, and known to the north east as gasmanies maced on them, maybe a secret name suit or not, maybe more or less. And then they write, I may have figured out one of the secret names of the dark lord. What? There has been a constant aggression from someone that emailed in Season 1, and his name was Rusty.

Does anyone also think that it's more than a coincidence that his email and aggression didn't surface until after the Dark Lord became aware of Hogs face? In addition, doesn't it also seem unlikely that he gave the advice to defeat the Book Club, and shortly after that, the dark lord took hold over food. Just food for thought, banana bill fart man. Sorry, what was that name again? Sorry, banana bill fart man. It was banana bill fart man.

Banana bill fart man. That's an un Fartman. Banana Bill Fartman. That's an unapproved name, proving that's a freedom fighter. But I am sorry, Banana Bill. There is... Please show him respect and use his full name. I'm sorry, Mr. Fartman. But there is something that we must clarify. There's no way the Dark Lord

could have obtained an email address. So your theory is null and void. I guess so. I have an email here. Okay. Let's see here. Hi, Chant and Yusudor and any guests. Hi, Flex and Yusudor. I was speaking to a friend the other day about Flex's origins, and he asked if he knew what baby Flex looked like. He hasn't listened to this podcast longer than I have, yet he did not know either. So what does a baby shapeshifter look like?

Well, maybe I've talked about this before, if not, I can tell you what I look like. Which is adorable. It's so true. Oh, when you were a little baby and I would come by the Vammillion Minotaur and you would come in, I would always be delighted to see a little chunt and it's been such a delight to see you grow into such a powerful and wonderful force for goodness. Yeah, Arnie, I wish you could have seen me. I was the fucking cutest. I guess I could try to troll it for myself. It was like a little bean.

Let's see here. I have another email here. Dear Arnie Chun and Yusidor. On this very podcast, I heard of Crom the Fingarians' letter therapy and resolved to write one myself. I suffer from bipolar disorder. Crombs' feelings healer may think of it as a fugue state mixed with demonic possession. Arnie asks you, Sir, if I'm using the word fugue correctly here, don't do that.

I don't know if he is. Recently, I went through a divorce that left me weaker than a poached, up blue wizard without a single chicken wing. This podcast has saved my life numerous times, ending the threat of the void, defying the dark lords' attempts to invade Earth, something about thousands of goblins in Chicago. Oh, shit! Thousands of goblins in Chicago! Oh, no! Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Is that where all the goblins went? Yeah, anyway, this is very rude of me getting distracted

from the email. But most of all, it saved me from myself. I know this is heavy, but I feel that I'm not the only earth human that feels so overwhelmingly grateful that I can join your adventures and tune out the poison. So to answer a long-standing question on this podcast, yes, it was all worth it. Kevin M. Well, that's wonderful. Kevin M, we love you and thank you for the support and We hope you're doing okay. Yes. Thank you Kevin

keep on Fighting the good fight in your own way For we all have a part to play and if yours is self-care and self-love then Practice those two fully so that we know that you are well and that you continue to be a wonderful part of this multiverse. Yeah, and if things ever get too overwhelming or you find yourself in a fugue state, what we recommend is two things, either writing down three, three, six, and then having a good fucking chuckle. Or look in the mirror, look yourself right in the eyes,

and you say to yourself, hey, banana, belly, fart, man. And I guarantee you're gonna smile. That's true. I can hardly get through that name. Banana Bill Fawben? Ah, well, I'm so impressed. But Kevin, thank you very much. I hope that you, you know, you get whatever help you need.

And if we can be a small part of that, that means a lot. Try listening to Jethro Tull though. I bet that's a lot better than us. Mm-hmm. All right, let's see here. I have one that says hi, Arnie, Chant, Yusidor, and any guess. Oh, Talbot, that's you.

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Also, goodant, Yusador, and any guests. Oh, Talbot, that's you. I'm even giving him. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Also, good one, Talbot. Talbot, I'm sorry. We've been mostly ignoring you this whole time. Anyway, they write, my question is, have you had any word from your old friends in Hogsface? I know you got everyone out before the town was destroyed,

but have you heard what anyone is up to now? Maybe you'll bump into some of them someday. You're truly Brianna from earth. Oh I just reached in the saw bird who had been through hogs faceer through through hogs faceer. Yes, it's the second hogs face. It's hogs faceer Huh, oh that's right you'd mentioned that some of the people started a new hogs face, it's hogs faceer. Huh. Oh, that's right. You mentioned that some of the people started a new hogs face, and it's called hogs faceer? Yeah, they renamed it. It's more hogs face, so it's hogs faceer. Yeah, and I actually submitted a new name, but they didn't go with it. I recommended two hog two face. But no, no, no, they didn't want to go with that. So, so I haven't talked to anybody because I'm pissed. Have they considered calling it the face of the furious? Well, yeah, people are

pissed, you know, it exploded to some degree. Yeah, how many people in a hog's face are mad at us? 336? Very good. Now, I don't know that anyone holds any resentment for us for the Dark Lord. Certainly, it's a more difficult place to live, and I think they're finding their way quite well. I hear that Maia Manana has recently returned. Do you mean Manana Billy Fartsworth? Sure. Was that the right name?

Why do I immediately delete all my emails? Man, I have Bill Farts been? I think it was... oh, banana bill fired me. Oh, guys. Are we going insane? I figured it out. I figured it out. This is why what we don't answer

emails is often as we probably should because the names are too funny because they drive us crazy feels good though feels good feels good to to respond to listeners and say hey we're here yeah here, yeah. It does feel good. I agree with you, Flex, that we should check in with all the listeners a little more often, and they should do us the same favor by going to hellofrommagictavern.com and buying some merch. Oh, look.

Look. Ooh, Talbot chimed in and said he would love some merch of his own. Oh, he also said, oh, what's that? Oh my god, this is, oh, I feel terrible. This whole time? Arnie Newsort, I'm just finding out that we've been calling Talbot by the wrong name. Apparently, his name is Talbot. Oh, I am so sorry, Talbot. Oh... I am so sorry Talbot.

Oh he's laughing. Oh you fuck! Oh you got this! Good one! He was scared. Do we have time for one last email, Lonnie? Or flex? Oh, let's see. Let me go through. Boy, so many emails from Banana Bill fart, man.

Now we can't read all of those. Let's see here. And can we agree that we're gonna be BBS forever? But Banana Bill Fartman? Mm-hmm. Best Buds forever. We are BBS. Or Banging Buds forever. Let's see.

Apolog, I'm sorry if I've somehow read these before and forgot to delete them. Here's one with the subject line, Yusidor, and it just says, who bestank? Fuck off. And here's one with the subject line, short one, and they say, I love you guys, I drunk.

Here's one, short one. Oh, sorry, I made up. Here's one that just says, go left. That's the whole email. Wait, what did it say? Go left. Go left. That's the whole email. Wait, what did it say? Go left. Go left. Wow, wait, does he mean my left or your left? My left? Go left. Go, hold on, what is Geostan for? Go over. Go over left.

What is left for? Wait a second, you cracked the code go over left. What is left for? Sure for. Wait a second, you've cracked the code. Go left, really means go over left. Oh, it all makes sense now. Go over left. Good job cracking that riddle. You said I looked to your left. What's over there? Uh, the wall of the Shattery, a crystal wall? Flex. Look to your left. What's over there? Uh, the wall of the Shattery, a crystal wall?

Flex. Look to your left. What's over there? Wait, I know this. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of the three of you is going to be dead. Oh no, how I hope it's Talbot. Oh, I guess there's four of us. No offense to Talbot. Also, does Talbot understand what I'm saying? Yes, absolutely.

If I'm body language alone. So let me look to my left. Okay, I see, it seems to be the ocean or water. Does that answer your question? Okay, whoever sent that email said idiot. Is he the idiot? Oh, is the person who read it the idiot? Who read it?

Mal. Here's one, the subject line, 666, in all caps, a very funny joke Please tell me if you use it 6663 limp dicks wait is that aimed at us? They're calling us 3 limp dicks This is just a subject life. How what the fuck? No, they're calling the three hosts 3 limp dicks. I'm not gonna stand for this I won't stand for being called 3 limp dicks

Everyone knows and food, 666 equals three Limp Dix on top of each other. It's called a Limp Dix sandwich. Okay. I shall play devil's advocate for one moment. If we change the name of this podcast to three Limp Dix, will we get more listeners? Looking to these eyes, three Limp Dix.

Guys, we're overlooking the dilemma of this subject line that's promising us a very funny joke, but I feel like to open it and read it is to agree to the contract. To please tell them if we use it. Wait, what? What? Well, if you're reading it, aren't we already using it? Okay.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair. All right. It says, I emailed you before, but it was a while ago, and now I'm very lost and far behind, but here's my joke. Okay, guys, before I go on. Okay, yeah. Clearly he's not caught up.

So we can't just assume that he'll hear it on the podcast. I don't know if this is, honestly, I gotta be honest. Vist from Flex Mulligan's point of view, I don't know if this is worth it. Can we, is there a way to- All caps, very gotta be honest. Vist from Flex Mulligan's point of view, I don't know if this is worth it. Can we, is there a way to- All caps, very fun of joke. Can you put the email down, flip it, and reverse it?

If we read it backwards, it might be worth it. Was that worth it? No. Here's what I propose. I think Arnold, we should take a moment of silence where Arnold reads the email. Okay. Okay. And then when you're done of silence where Arnold reads the email. Okay, okay. And then when you're done reading it to yourself,

not allowed, you read it silently in your own head, you declare whether or not the joke is funny enough to read on the podcast or not. Okay. And then we don't read the joke, no matter what your decision is. All right, okay, I'll read it. I'll fill this time by saying some random words.

Turtle, Blair, Kinney, fuck. But it's on the podcast, so we're fine. I mean, Scolpa Tawri. I read it. Yeah, I read the joke. Okay. Tell us, tell us. Worth it? It's got some, too. It's got a charm, I wouldn't say. It's very funny, or even that it's a joke, exactly. Sounds like one of our jokes. Oh, shit. It's probably right in our wheelhouse. So what is it?

Let's read it. Yeah, let's say it. Okay, it's a script. Okay. First, Arnie, speaking to Chant. Hold on, hold on. We already agreed that you wouldn't read it no matter what. Wait, yeah, sing it.

Tell me what? Don't read it, sing it. Okay, but I'll still be reading it even if I sing it. Well, I wanna know what it says, but we agreed to not hear it, but tell us what it is. How about I'll just tell you off the podcast. Okay, but you better not say Blair Kenny anyway. Thanks Ashley for the very funny joke Give us the gist of it. Just the gist Are you is about to say to chunt something funny? I

Say something I'm about to say to Chant, something funny. I say something sort of out of my voice, and then Chant responds with, I guess, something that's kind of a movie quote, but then ends in sobbing. No lines for me? No, no. I gotta say, your name does not come up anywhere in the scene. He wasn't cast In the play of our lives, Yusudor has no role. I'm not this is unbelievable if thou just wish to write a speculating script about Some play acting that you would like to see the three of us do on some stage. At least put, a usage or looks bewildered on stage left.

That can be kind of implied. How about you? I don't want to encourage longer emails. I pre-look, here's the thing, Ashley. I will say that I don't think this joke is very funny, but I appreciate that it's not too long. They say brevity is the soul of somewhat comedy. Alright, fine, read it. I appreciate that it's not too long. They say brevity is the soul of somewhat comedy. All right, fine, read it. Arnie, speaking to Chant,

chants up with you, dude. Chant, chants up with me, chants up with me. Chants up with you, bro. Chants up with you. Chant begins sobbing. Best Ashley. Okay, and get to the joke. That's, I mean, that was it.

That, that was the joke. Why did he cry? Um... I don't know. What? What do you think? Uh, maybe, I guess, because my body's a temple of doom. What's the movie quote in there?

Uh, I don't know. I feel like it's, it reminds me of some movie quote, but I don't remember exactly what it is. At first I thought maybe it was goodfellas, but I think I'm thinking of something else. Hmm. Taxi driver? My first instinct was right, we shouldn't have read it. I really backed this into a corner. Well, this has been Three Limp Dicks. See you next time. See you later Blair Kenny and see you later Blair Kenny. Thanks for watching!

You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, unless whoever started playing this left the room and now it's just the inanimate objects. Hello inanimate objects, yes I know you can hear this. Remember if an enchantress stops by and the head of that household pisses her off. You're getting dragged into it, and you better have some choreo and hot harmonies ready to go. User or the blue wizard was played by Matt Young. Just as it's impossible to imagine Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, being played by anyone other than that fragile, complicated soul Judy Garland. The badger head on a decomposing muscle body, Flex Mulligan, was brought to life through

the hundreds of precise character choices, like Monet's brushstrokes, all made by Adolfi. Big thanks to this week's celebrity guest, oh, that's right. Well, word was bound to get out sometime, we had a good run. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolfi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Special assistance by the son on our shoulders, the staples that hold the paper together, the transfer of atoms creating the electricity that powers our equipment,

and since we're apparently thanking everything, Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Would it be too bold to say see you next week? In that case I'll simply say, what we had was magical, crazy, impossible yes. But we're both adults. We knew it couldn't last. That world out there, that dirty, jealous world It doesn't understand what we have. It only wants to destroy it. So leave, take that $50 bill and the two lottery tickets And the bag of recyclables and the box of the first printing of Marvel's heroes reborn Sheesh would have left turn that was and go. I'll be right here waiting. Oh, there's a second bag of recyclables. Those yogurt containers pile up. Now go, and don't look back.

You looked back! Well, so did I, psych. You