Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 51 - Former Sheriff

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

We check in with Gianessa, the former Sheriff of Hogsface, who is trying to rebuild and running for office. Actually running for many offices.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGianessa Relkorus: Dana QuercioliTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, podcast completists. Well, there's no other way to get that little indoor-thin rush that accompanies checking an item off your list, then by listening to this transmission I've intercepted from an alternate dimension. By which I mean, this recording of Demi-imaginative Humans, all of whom are wrestling with the specter of what their lives could have been had they gone into finance. I myself am putting the finishing touches on this environmental mitigation garment, which no, might not need quite so many scarves, but a world without draping is not a world I

want to live to witness. What's this for? Well, after being confronted with the internet outcry, aka one tagged comment, albeit with an attached animated image of Ethan Hawk raising his hand in dead poet society. I've decided it's time to venture outdoors to find out what the hell happened to Trisha. Keep in mind listeners, one internet comment set this in motion, and one internet comment can shut it down. I'm listening. In the meantime, the 40 minute recording of Seagulls fighting over an oyster lost the coin toss.

So, I guess it's another round of this. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello for the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over five years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a bird king in Chicago and to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over five years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, and to the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional

rift, and I used that to upload a podcast documenting our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Also, the fragmenting is happening, and and much more importantly we got an email from someone named Blair Kenny who said we were allowed to use their name on the podcast but they have yet to let us know if it's all right for us to use it off of the podcast. And I was really good all week about not saying Blair Kenny when we were recording but I guess we'll just have to find out how my co-host did. Speaking of my co-host, I'm joined as always by Talbot, the talking badger, Talbot, how you doing still with us? Great, yeah still no badger talk. So honestly you could have been saying Blair Kenny all week and I would have no idea Oh, and I'm also joined by another badger, a badger head on a jack strong man body,

Flex Mulligan? Yeah, that's right, Flex Mulligan. Me, Chant the Badgers the head on top of a body making Flex Mulligan. Why, why is your voice through that when you say your name? Just having some fun. Just try not some new voices. You know, new body, new voice.

See for the expression. New body, new voice. Yeah, you know, sometimes in fun, if someone morphs into something else, if someone loses their gains weight, a lot of times they'll try and adopt a new personality, change their voice, maybe get a new name. So that's what I'm doing.

I have heard the expression, new body who dis. Okay, yeah, that's why you ask. You see someone and you say, well, that's a new body who dis. And then they say, either their former name or their new name. And then, you know. Yeah, because you know what, it's one of those things where it's like, I'm not good with names,

but my body remembers. Already, can I ask, do I look like a flex Mulligan? A more of like a flex manning. You look kind of like a flex Luther? Okay, ooh, I like that. Maybe a shave off all my fur. On your head? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, that's exact.

I don't know why I was confused by my own thing. Because it might be a little disconcerting that I have, you know, soft black and white fur fuzz on my head and then my body is harreless and jacked. Sure, and decomposing. Yeah, that's true. The dead body that you've attached your badger head to is not doing well.

I mean, for it being several weeks dead, it's doing pretty well, but it's still decomposing. Yeah. Oh, it's noticeable. Mm-hmm. You know, it's not responding as well as it was. I'm really dragging ass over here. Yeah, I mean, literally.

Yeah. There's just. That's noticeable too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. A lot of us coming out. It's real gross. This old bad, she ain't what she used to be.

Yeah, speaking of an old bad, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Use it or the Wizard. I am Usador, Wizard of the Twilthrill, of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos! Champion of the Great Halls of Turokus. The elves know me as Fienyalak. The dwarves know me as Xenin and Huk Stenges, and I am known in the North East as guess Oh, names, names that if uttered aloud would most assuredly rain down a torrent of frogs and other amphibians. Okay. No, no follow-up?

Usually a follow-up question to that, that little part of it. No, I mean, honestly, I hate to admit it, though I got distracted because I was thinking, when you said names, I started thinking about Blair Kenny again. Oh yes, oh, so was I. It's all I can think about all week, waiting to get on the podcast so I can say that name. And you sir, when you say frogs and other amphibians, what all falls under that umbrella?

Nuts? Nuts for sure. Mud honey's? Uh-huh, mud honey's, yep, that's the third one. Salivanders? I think so, yeah. Toads? Toads, yeah, oh yeah, toads. Yeah, don think so, yeah. Toads? Toads?

Yeah, oh yeah, toads. Yeah, don't forget toads. What else? You know all of them. I like that you're so cautious about defining what an amphibian is when really it could be an amphibian. Well, I think that amphibian can define for itself

what it is. That's fair, that is very fair. You said, I want to talk to you about something a little bit. Last week you were talking about how when you meet your purpose, you'll die. You'll go away. Ah, yes. And you think maybe it's defeating the Dark Lord or maybe it's something else. And I'm starting to get a little worried.

Like, could you maybe stop doing things? Well, absolutely not. I will do as many things as I wish to do, as is my purview, and I should ease your concerns. I appreciate as a friend that you're worried that I may die when I complete my purpose in this world, but, you know, when wizards die in this way, it's sort of like, imagine getting on a great raft,

and floating upwards towards one of the moons, and then living on the moon for the rest of your life, and then turning into the moon, and then becoming full of wrath, and what's your wrath is full, becoming a moon that crashes back into the planet. My life life will be somewhat like that. So a raft full of wrath?

A raft full of wrath, yes, exactly. But I'll miss you. Oh, that's very nice. I'll miss you too. But I'll be a pure angelic being of light living beyond your understanding in a form you'll never be able to see or comprehend. Wow. Yousseur, can I ask you said, when a wizard dies, that's what happens.

What does it sound like when a wizard dies? Well, there's a lot of different sounds. Sometimes it's splat. OK. If something heavy falls on a wizard. Other times, a piano or a safe. Yes, exactly. Other times, it's,

zoons, I have been struck through with an obsidian blade capable of murdering a wizard. And now I shall die. Oh, low! Heavens gates open for me! Here, open thy gilded door so that I may become a pure being of light shaped like a moon who shall someday filled with wrath crash back into food. It's a very specific sound, so it's either Splat or that. Those are the two options.

Splat or those are the two? Splat or that? Well, I gotta say though, it gives me some comfort to hear that really long answer that reminds me you're not going to accomplish your purpose anytime soon. Whatever it is. How dare you. Whatever it may be. Now that's not true at all, because I'm always very focused, except for this week I took off, add some time for myself, and I've been very concerned

that we are doing this show called Hello from the Magic Tavarn. That's the name of it, right? Yeah. OK. We've been doing this for a long time, and for quite some time, we have not been in a Tavarn. And I don't want to be called a liar.

So I, inside the tiny apartment that is inside mine, was a tat. I have converted it into a tiny tavern. Oh! So anytime you guys want to meet me where I'm at, after the shattering's over, we can get inside my hat, have a drink, inside the tiny tavern in my hat. Could you go into the tiny tavern in your hat now, so we could... Oh yeah, sure us here we go

Oh, yeah, he teared that sound Oh, that's not the sound of a wizard dying by the way, okay, cuz that's definitely would be a mofus splat Okay, I got you got you got you okay, yeah I guess I thought he was gonna bring the ruin with him, so we could see it. Wait a second, what the fuck? He still has a hat on. He's inside his own hat, but he still has the hat on. Arnie, what's happening? I'm scared. It's a hat on a hat. Oh yes, I have to have a tiny hat that I keep inside of my bigger hat. Let's go around without a hat.

That's a hat in a hat, Arnie. Oh, you're right. The hat in the hat. There's a little tiny wizard inside his own hat with a little tiny tavern with a hat on his head. Little tiny wizard in a hat in a hat on a hat. In a hat splat or that? Ash tag splatter that. Yeah, but lovely song.

I don't know what to call the tavern though. I want to give it a name. I could call it the new vermilion minotaur, but they might be building one of those already in New Hogs face. How about Hattie Bees? Hattie Bees? Why would I call it Hattie Bees? Blue for short is B. This conversation gives me more comfort that Yusador you're gonna fucking live forever. gives me more comfort that you said or you're gonna fucking live forever. Oh, you would be lucky to have a wizard as great as you said or. Oh, is a stride, this food where he can bring peace and joy to all of those who so desperately need it.

Oh, I got it. Brim and brew. Ooh, I love that. Brim and brew. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. But I actually wanted to reach out to someone at Hogs faceer to see if I could call the new Vermilion Minitor, so I already reached out to our old friend Gianessa. Oh the former sheriff of Hogs face?

That's right. That's right. I asked her to join us here. Oh today. I'll plunge her up on the room now. Gianessa, can you can you hear us? up on the room now. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, and point on adventures and trying to defeat the Dark Lord. And we got sideline a little bit with the shattering, the breaksies. The breakies. The fragmenting. Anyway, I have decided to open a tavern inside Reinhart, and I know that you're at Hogs Facer,

where they're rebuilding the town. And I was just wondering, you know, are they building a new, a million-minute tour there? Well, that's the plan. The plan is to redo a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that got torn down and, uh, Oh, you got blown up. I don't know if you guys know who did that.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Absolutely. Yes, oh, yes. That was us. That did it. Wow. Yeah, we did that. We did that.

It was great. It was a really epic, awesome, and feat where I did call out a secret name, and hell-fire did come down from the very sky and destroy all of Hogsface nearly killing the Baron, my great enemy, and my other great enemy drip-bang, but they both escaped and started their own evil podcast, which I will never listen to. But you and S.O. we should mention, we did leave a note on the ruins of the tavern just apologizing, so I don't know if that blew away or if people saw that, but we are very sorry.

Obviously that blew away. Yeah. And we helped everyone escape. No, I don't think anyone died. Did he run die? I didn't find any bodies and if anyone was going to find bodies it would have been me. They might have blown away to be fair. Yeah, you're very hard working.

You've been back to the rubble that was Hogs face. Yes, of course. What else am I supposed to do? I feel like all I do is pick up after men. I know, I know, I know, I know. And I'm not trying to be mean, but men are fools. Did anybody think to put a rock on top of the note so that maybe it wouldn't blow away?

You know, if I'm being honest, as soon as I set it down, it did blow away, and I did think like, oh, shoots. But then I didn't do anything about it, because I was like, meh, we were kind of busy saving everybody in Hogs face, and I'm sure we, and all the food in Earth. Right, right, right. Did you guys ever hear me say how busy I was

when I was trying to break your asses out of forget it, forget it. Yeah. Forget it. No, you've saved us many times. I were a whole, you know, we're all doing our best. Everybody's just doing their best, you're right. It's it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Not all men or whatever, but you know, the thing is guys, to answer your question, you said, we are working on rebuilding the Vermilion Minotaur, but the thing is, it's everything's rubble, everything's rubble. Well, I could cast a spell on the rubble to give it little tiny wings, but then you wouldn't have anything to put on top of your notes. Right, and then the notes are gone, and then that's a whole other... Oh geez.

And then if everything had wings, would it mean that mortar wouldn't work? If we tried to bind the pieces of rubble to form walls? No, it would probably still stick together, but it would have wings on it, and it'd be trying to fly away, and it'd be very sad. Yeah. Can you guys think of things that have wings that don't fly? I can think of one. Two, one of them's a chicken. Let's see, how the one. A different chicken?

It's a feminine hygiene product. No, but I'm sure there's a lot of things that... I don't know varieties of chicken. Does it count for different varieties of chicken that don't fly? Or just, we just say, chickens don't fly? I mean, it feels like you're probably sort of chate cheating if you're naming different varieties of chicken, but I gotta say, if you are familiar

with a lot of different varieties of chicken, that's impressive in its own way. I know chicken, and I know cornish, and... Oh, yeah. There's also roosters, and when you get into chickens, there's also the sub-sec, there's spicy chickens, there's original recipe chickens. Oh.

All which have their own different attitudes. There's tall, long necked chickens. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think you said they're called ostriches on your world. I'll say yes. Yep, I don't, because I want to drill down into that. Personally, I put those under the umbrella of chicken.

Sure. Would we agree that any animal with feathers and wings is a chicken? I-I love birds. It's a well-documented fact that I love birds. I would say that any bird that doesn't fly is a chicken. Birds is the word that I was confusing for chicken. I'm so tired. It's all right. So wait a minute.

You said, we're based on your logic. You're saying, hanguins is chickens? Penguins is chickens. Okay. Because that's where the colloquial use of chicken comes from. And colloquial is what they use to reproduce, right? That's right. That's right.

Most birds. Now, they're just afraid to fly. They all could. They just don't. Cowards. They're chickens. That's relatable, though. You guys maybe don't understand that.

But I feel like that's what a lot of being a woman is. Is if you're just you have the power to fly, but you're just you've just your bogged down, you know? You're now helping rebuild hogs face. This is your opportunity to to make it in the image that you wish. How would you change hogs face to make it the way you wish it to be? Thank you for asking me that. And actually, you know, I, I believe that change comes from within.

Also, I'm up for election. So, uh, spread the word. Thank you for sending me up for this. I believe the change comes from within the problem in Hogsface. Or is that there's nothing to be inside of. So it's like where then where does change come from? Me.

And also can I just say one, congratulations and two, what are you running for? Well, I'm running for any any and all offices that have been vacated, which is all of them. Sheriff is a electable position, but I want to do more, I want to be more to the people of Hogsface, even, well, former Hogsface, Hogsface, it's still hard to get used to, but I want to be more, you know, I want to do as much as I can to be an agent of change. The thing is, can I be real frank with you guys? How many of our townspeople are full on idiots? Oh, well, I'm definitely one. You source two, Arise three.

I'm not technically, I mean, I'm from another world. Which by the way, I'm gonna work on getting you voting rights. Oh, oh, so that I can vote for you? Well, I would have to be elected first before you could vote for me. Oh, I see. So, there goes that kind gesture. Forget it. You thought it was just for political gain?

Very rude. So are you running against anyone? Is Mayor Manana still around? And I assumed he was still the mayor. Mayor Manana is... I don't know, is it rude to call him mush? Oh! It's, I mean, normally I would say yes,

but he's got to have rotten so much. Can I just say I have a certain affinity for Mayor Manana? So if anything, can we just turn him into Manana bread? Yeah, just making the best of a bad situation. Does that make sense? That absolutely makes sense. Thank you, thank you. Waste not want not. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I suppose if you baked him into a cute little loaf and then put a little pair of pajamas on that loaf of bread, I could still love him

the same way I always have. I mean, I hope that happens for you. If you said, or I hope that happens for you, I don't want anyone, there is no reason that anyone should be sent into the great beyond or trash. Now, as anyone mentioned to you, since you're running for all of the offices, that it's hard to vote for you because then you'd have to do all of the work,

which it sounds like you're already doing. I pretty much have been already doing that for my entire existence. You know, I think one of the things that I did before, which worked against me, was first obviously disguised myself as a man for the first five years of my career. And then secondly, disguised myself as a man again for a long time. And I did a lot of talking about my own fictional penis and that didn't work for me as much as we'd hoped but also the thing that didn't work for me is I didn't take credit for any of the things that I had done.

So now when people are like who should I I vote for? And whether you're voting at the top of the Ballot or down ballot, it's all, my name is there everywhere, but people are like, but who is she really? What has she done? What is that? Yes. Oh, yeah. Now, you've been disguised once as a man, and then a second time as a man. If you're running for mayor, have you considered disguising yourself as a man, Nana? Oh, that's a good. No, you know what? I was briefly, I flirted with that idea just

when you said it, but I need to stand on my own and I need to say I am, I identify as a woman. And if you want a new, better, hogspacer, then you need to finally stop being assholes and vote for an actual woman. And I'll also say, I'll add in just my perspective. Manigan was fun. Manigan, there was a certain charm to it. It's sort of a classic. We enjoy watching Manigan.

Manigan too, I don't know if that needs to be done. Because Manigan's such a classic. Why make Manigan too? Does that make sense? Sometimes the original thing is perfect. You don't have to go back to it. Exactly, exactly. I'm not saying.

Seems like a cash grab. It does. Gina S.I. think you should be yourself as mayor, and I guess even in food and sometimes it's difficult because women don't get the respect that they deserve. I mean, they fucking made a banana mayor of hogs face probably because his name was Manana. He had, it's like, this is a banana. Uh-oh, but it's a man, mayor, man, man. Right. I think, I think the funny thing about that is not

a lot of people know this about that, uh, mayoral election is that there were fourteen human women that ran against mayor manana and that people like i said not so swift maybe all the time it people said i would rather vote for a banana mayor than any one of these supremely qualified female candidates

to be fair though that sashes just so tiny. It's little. But I swear this to you, GNSA, if you win this election, I shall use all of my great magical power to grow that sash to full woman's size. Thank you so much. And full woman's size, PS, means, you know, here's a thing.

If a woman is over a standard size six it's technically plus size so full woman size is a loaded phrase anyway but yes make the sash not so god damn tiny I just I apologize I mean normal woman size you're I'm just me your size I'll make it fit you thank you so much thank you and you said or remind me what's a normal woman. Yeah Hey guys, it's okay. I understand I'm throwing some things at you that maybe a lot of times don't get thrown at you It's fine. Here's each one teach one and in this case each me teach three And Arnie I should say because you might be confused when GNS mentioned this, a loaded phrase is a regular phrase,

but it has butter, sour cream, and chives on it. Mmm, that makes sense to me. Sounds delicious. So I hear a lot of talk about what's going to happen after I'm elected, if, right? Yeah. But here's what I need to know. Will you, three, two, Arnie? I don't

know if you're gonna be able to vote before I can change things. Sure. But can I get a verbal agreement here that the two of you are... John, can you vote? Yeah, I can vote once is John and once is Flexmologin. Well don't tell me that. I don't want to know about kind of any election tempering. Of course, of course. Wink, wink. I'll just vote once, wink. By mail, wink, wink. Oh, brother. Oh, I really hope this isn't a scandal, but dive bombs your election prospects. Arnie, when a man votes what they call it is voting by mail. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And that helps rig the election.

I don't want to rig the election. This is the thing. I want to win fair and square. I'm vote. I'm largely at a post for most of the categories. If I lose, something is seriously wrong. It'll be all right, isn't it, right? Yes. What is your, can I ask, if we can, the two or maybe the three of us can help you, what is your platform or do you have like a campaign slogan

we can help create for you or do you have one already? I don't have one. That's Jesus, oh man. You know, I've been so busy just kind of rolling up my sleeves and getting to work that I For God I don't ever wear sleeves. Oh geez. I'm already struggling I think we should take a quick break, but then when we come back the full power of our public relations machine shall go into effect for Gianessa. Woo! All right, so now that we're back from the break, Blair Kenny,

and also, Gianessa, what can we do to help your campaign? Cause I honestly, of all the people that I have met in Hogs face, you really are the hardest working most effective person I have ever met. Wow, thank you so much. I came in here kind of pissed at you guys and I'm sorry I came in hot.

But look, I want people to know what I stand for, right? I stand for truth, I stand people to know what I stand for. Right? I stand for truth. Stand for integrity, honesty, which is I think lacking no offense, manana. But I think mostly I want people to know that I don't just work for me. I'm doing work that helps everybody.

So if you three have ways I can personally help you, let me know. And, John, you're pretty good at Jingles. Think of one. Yeah. OK. Not right now, necessarily. You said, or what were you about to say?

I was about to say, I was thinking about those qualities in you, your honesty, your integrity. And I was trying to think of some pithy phrase that would help everyone in the town know how wonderful you are And I thought of this as a slogan Shut up and vote for me What do you think it's straightforward? And if I may put my spin on it, maybe it's a bit of a jingle and it's shut up and vote for me

Wow, I feel like that is catchy, but it will be, that will be very popular, but only one time and we'll never hear another version of it again. We might hear it weddings all the time, but that's about it. Why don't we, what if it was something like, shut up now tell me that you are gone to vote for me? Well, really stumble over the words that I know. Look, this is just, I'm just, this the vote for me. You really stumble over the words. I know. Look, this is just coming to me. Meteor is hot.

Meteor is hot. Here's the thing I like about Shut Up and Vote for me, which is a call to action and a command. And I think it tells the people exactly what I want from them, which is for them to shut up and then also also, you know, at the same time, or they could shut up permanently and vote for me as many times in different elections as they want. Well, I also thought of a second backup phrase in case you didn't like that, or if you want to use them interchangeably, how about let's roll up our sleeves and get it done since I'm not wearing any?

Ooh, what if can we throw a second sleeves on there? Just because I'm not wearing any. Ooh, what if can we throw a second sleeves on there just because I'm not wearing any as a woman leaves that? I feel like that leaves a lot. Yeah. Yes, I'm not big. Yeah, okay, I see what you're saying. I'm not sure. Roll up your sleeves because I'm not wearing any sleeves. Yes.

You don't have to have sleeves to roll them up, dot, dot, dot, shut up and vote for me. Yeah. That's it. That's better. You can also say that you believe in bare arms. Now, sorry, I'm sorry I have to go on a tangent here. I absolutely believe in bare arms. Some people say that bears don't have arms,

and I know that they do. I've seen them, I've seen bears, they have arms. End of story. You're right. Sorry I'm getting so upset. Wait, don't bears just have legs? Oh, how dare you, where? Gunness is damn it. How dare you, Arnold.

I should destroy you right now for saying such a foolish thing. Yeah, if anything, the bears you've met have had wheels. You said, or you get so worked up whenever we don't agree about bearing arms. Are you dumb, fuck? Oh, no, that was out. No, sorry. Sorry, no, sorry, you can go. No, sorry. Sorry, no, no. Sorry, you can go. You can go.

just based on what we talked about that Arnie, you can't ever fully believe then that bears have arms because won't he die when he completes his perfect? That's right, I'll complete his purpose. That's the problem with people who believe in bear arms is that they feel it so much. They just believe it so much. It's like, I think they're bear legs, but I don't believe it so much that it's not

like the top thing I'm concerned with. Right, and use the doors that the hill you're willing to die on, literally. I mean, I don't even know if that's really my purpose, and I'm really willing to die on pretty much any hill. I just know that there's a hill somewhere out there for me to die on. Hold on, let's name hills and you tell us

if you'd die on them. Okay. Blueberry. Uh-huh. Benny. Definitely. Drew. Hankberry. Uh-huh. Benny. Definitely. Drew. Huh. Hank?

What? Hank. Ah. Yeah. How's unhunted? Oh, yeah. Okay. It was her fine, yeah.

I would die on any of these hills. Do you know the hill where everyone goes and they tie their little ropes into knots? Do you know knotting hill? Oh, yes. I know that. I am. I don't know. I don't know that one.

Yeah. Would you die on Faith Hill? Uh-huh. I don't think she'd care for it, I know that. I am. I don't know. Would you die on Faith Hill? Uh-huh. I don't think she'd care for it, but be sure. She's still the one. And GNSI will say, I love everything we've come up with. But if I know politics at all, which I don't really, you have to also go on the offensive. So maybe is there some sort of smear campaign we can do

against Mayor Manana? Oh. I don't want to smear a manana anywhere. Gross. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Is there anyone else you're running against? Is you're running from many, many offices.

So I assume there must be at least one other contender in this race. So what about dog catcher? Is there someone running for dog catcher? Oh, I didn't want to run for dog catcher. Yes, there is someone running. But I didn't want to run for that post because I don't, I think they should be free. That's a good point. That's a very good point. When you get elected, you should eliminate the position of dog catcher. Oh, okay. What else should I do when I'm elected? I love that. I'm gonna, yes, I love what people agree with my ideas.

Yes, oh, well, I think you have many wonderful ideas and I'm definitely, since I didn't say this explicitly before, Janice, I am voting for you. I will definitely return home and wait and vote because I believe it's one of the most important things that we can do to make sure that our local officials are duly elected. And then I shall take a knee before our king or queen who was selected divinely by the goddesses. Thank you for being willing to go through all of that. A lot of people think, you know, maybe I just won't show up. My vote doesn't matter because royalty is already put into place by the goddesses, but the thing is it does.

And that's what down ballot voting is all about. Am I a king or queen? Absolutely not. Is my blood royal? No, it's barely got anything good in it. However, what's in your blood? I'm not sure. I have a lot of... something happened the other day I cut myself and you guys, it came out bright blue.

And that was messed up. Oh, if you're a blue blood, you might be royalty. Oh, oh my god. This... Oh my god, this. Tina, so do you know much about your childhood like? Like who raised you? Well, the town raised me. I was, well, I was born into. Let me think about this. What the tales my mother used to tell me when I was born. I slept on a cloud for the first three years of my life. Maybe there's something there.

Huh, it seems different than most babies. Does it? Yeah, I don't think babies usually sleep on clouds. It seems like maybe you're some sort of divine angelic being. Uh, not unlike a wizard possibly. I don't know. There are many magical, wonderful creatures in food. Uh, perhaps you are one of them.

Perhaps I'll have to do some digging. My mother was a human woman. So I know that much, so I'm not all celestial being. So that's a good place to start right there is that I'm at least half human. That's relatable. That's relatable. Did she hang out with a lot of like, bulls or geese?

Bulls or geese? There are some divine creatures who take the form of an animal. They sigh our children who are then considered to be half deities themselves. I'm definitely going to have to ask. I don't know of this counts, but I know my one great uncle was a wear panther. Oh.

Yeah, that counts. I said, I think that counts. Now, you didn't seem to respond to your mother hanging out with geese, but did she hang out with chickens? Because that might be geese. Oh my god, you're right. By Lord, here's the thing.

What if it was a goose or several geese, but we just thought they were chickens and dismissed them. Oh. Mm-hmm. It's very possible. Geese don't have to fly. Chickens are too afraid. That's right.

Cowards. Look, I hate to pry, but if we're going to back you in this political arena, we've got to do a deep background check. Oh, you're a birther. Whoever you're running against, whether it's a banana or something else, is going to try to dig this stuff up. Whoever you're running against, whether it's a banana or Something else is it's gonna try to dig this stuff up gentlemen. Keep an eye on your mailbags because I will get to the bottom of this I need to know balls what your mailbags

Yes, what how do you receive the post doesn't ghost directly into your scrotum? Yeah, and aren't yeah out at any exactly exactly your ball you think your balls are your scrotum? I don't know are there you guys tell me it's the one area I'm lacking in information from when I did dram all those years I never fully understood testicles. Well, no, I think she and I see you were correct. I think Arnie was confused Okay, you think the bag is the testicles did I say that? I don't even know a look I just wanted to say balls. Arnie, if I'm elected, you can say balls whenever you want, okay? Oh, you've got my vote. It's not legal, but I'll take it.

Yeah, I'm a one-issue voter, and that's mine. So maybe we can use this to our advantage. So maybe your slogan is, chicken run? Question mark? Explain to me why. Because you might be part chicken, and you're running for office. But we don't know if you're chicken, so we have to put a question mark. Well, but I think that's taking several leaps and logic. Just because I don't know who my father is, and it may or may not be a goose. That doesn't immediately mean I should run on the platform of perhaps being a chicken.

Fair, fair. So I guess you don't want to hear, I'm hatching a plan. Oh, damn. That's pretty good. Damn it. Pretty good. Can I still use that? You have, of course. It's all yours.

And we haven't asked you asked us to verbally sort of confirm we're voting for you. Who are you voting for? Me. Oh, OK. Yes, I'm going to vote for me and all of them. Do you know one thing I've always wanted to do is go into a place and find where my name is written and then poke a little hole next to where my name is written.

I've always wanted to do that. I will do it several times on the same day and that's going to be so much fun for me. And I hope other people do it, but mostly if people, if everyone in Hogsvaser writes in a different name, I feel like I'm still good, you three, well two, and then me, and then if every other fool writes in a different name, I still have a good fighting chance. I think you have a very good chance. I think especially since you've been there doing this time of turmoil and unrest and have helped people find a new home, even though it apparently, according

to you, none of these places have walls yet. I think they'll look towards you and say, let's give her a chance. Boy, I hope so. I do hope so because here's the thing. I understand the justice system from the inside. I have a very specific understanding of what goes on in the jails and the dungeons. I want to change many of the things that I've seen and I think more than anyone else, I know how to build things piece by piece and put them back together. I took a great interest in that, and I'm a terrific shot with a long bow. I've got a lot of things in the plus category, plus I'm stacked like a brick shit house.

Don't know if you guys know, but the thing is, that doesn't matter. No, it certainly does not. I'm more interested in your stance on dungeon reform, which I think we desperately need. It's so easy to just walk into those places and run out with a treasure chest instead of like claps, clasping someone in ions, you know. It's ridiculous. We desperately need dungeon reform. Couldn't agree more.

Now, that's the thing. That's why I'm talking to you guys, because I want to know what matters. I want to know what makes y'all tick. Well, I mean, I gotta say, you know, it's not the most important thing, but seeing someone do a cool, bone-arrow trick is always awesome. If I saw that like right before I voted,

I'd be like, whoa, I'm voting for that person. Yes, I don't know if he's rebuilt it yet, but there used to be a great hall, where you can see music and all sorts of acts in Hogs face And our sinneoranet. So if you go to our sinneor's hall and you do your longbow trick I'm sure that's gonna help you get elected Goodness, I'm gonna have going to I'm going to if it's not still there. I'm going to rebuild it and go there first You said or and I'm sorry

I know this is a sort of side tangent, but what are all the halls? Do you think she could be elected in? Oh, I can help out as well. If you please. Oh, there's Scott Hall. There's Anthony Michael. What else? I'm done. You know the one hall where they go full they go full they go full on Monty Hall. Oh Yes, the full Monty. I also like the halls of mental lifters. Oh good one, good one. Is that the one you go in and you've been miserable all day and then you walk in there and you feel better but only slightly?

And it's very temporary. Yeah, but do you know what I think is the most important hall for GNS to remember? What? That's the hall of justice. For you have been a proponent of fairness, inequality, and good, better lives for all the peoples of Hogs Facer, and you shall continue to be that person, whether you are elected or not.

But if you remind people of those good qualities about yourself, I am most assured that they shall see the good sense in hiring you, electing you into these positions. Well, you said, or you said something very important, which is hiring, which is really what it would be. I want to be hired by the people. I want to represent the people. And I want to make sure that some of them

get to be a little smarter. But that's, everybody has a purpose. Everybody has a reason to be a human being and to be able to live their life. And I want to know if I'm not elected, who would fight for that more? And the answer is no one. Did that make sense? And once you're elected, you will be able to help the people and do the things that need to be done to make Hogsface safer and more equitable for all, until a king or queen comes and chops off your head. Yes, and that's definitely something that I am not super excited about.

Can I ask how often are elections in Fune? Of which I know there are a lot, just interrupted by royalty coming and shutting it down. It's really a coin toss, you know, it's a 50-50, they might show up, sometimes they don't give a shit. It really depends on what else is on the docket for the day, you know, everybody's busy, everybody's got plans, we can't always be head, you know. I hate to voice it, but I, you know, I think you're biggest concern, and it's a valid one,

is that a lot of dumb people when they go to vote are probably gonna write into that blank spot, a rock. Because a rock is fairly popular, you know, it's built pretty well. People like to watch it. Yeah, yeah, people do. And here's the thing about that.

A lot of times people are gonna go and they're gonna think about who they wanna vote for. And it's gonna be between Iraq and I was gonna say a hard place, but I'm not, I'm very, I'm gentle, I'm kind. And you're built like a brickshed house? I'm not a stack like a brickshed house guys, I can't help who I am. So the race is between Iraq and a brickshed house?

Yes, there it is, yes. And here's the thing, at the end of the day, which one would you rather have more of? Hmm. Rocks? Or people who are stacked like a brick shit house? No, the latter, definitely the latter. Oh yeah, the latter.

A ladder. So it's a three-way race. Oh, yeah, what if a ladder were running? See it all, see it all. The latter is very useful. This is how it happens. This is how it starts. And ladders. Because people are going to start saying, oh, I could have a cup of meat with that ladder. very useful. Oh damn it. This is how it happens. This is how it's- And letters.

Because people are going to start saying, oh, I could have a cup of meat with that ladder. That's a relatable ladder. Honestly, I've known a few fucking ladders in my life, and they always try and climb their way to the top. That's what I was going to say, their climbers. Mm-hmm. Untrustworthy. Mr. Ladder.

I'd vote for him. Oh, geez. Arnie, you dumb fuck. No. Sorry. No. Oh, no, you dumb fuck. No, sorry. No, no, no. When is the election, by the way? How soon do we have to have a vote, Sid? It's a fortnight.

I'd love a good fortnight. I don't know when that is. That Two weeks? That's the one that's... I can do it. Ony, it's two more episodes. Oh, okay, yeah. You don't wanna know the fortnight is, you fucking nub. I'm not gonna scope you, you fucking nub. So let's, so GNSA, maybe we should go through a test run

of what's gonna happen with you and probably a rock or a ladder in the debates. Is that okay? Yes, of course. So, GNSA, Hogsface was destroyed by three, and obviously handsome people. And what is the first thing you would like to rebuild in Hogsface?

That's easy. The answer is quite literally buildings. We need to start somewhere. Buildings seem like the safest, best bet, right? Everyone's in shelter. It is a part of the human being's existence. You need a roof over your head, right? Of course.

And speaking of roofs, there's rumor that you slept on a cloud. How do we know you were even born in food? I was born in food, and here's how you know. My mother said, the screaming was so great that you could hear it but not outside of the gates of food. You couldn't hear it outside of our borders. So Arnold you mentioned earlier that you're a birther. My mother said only people, the only the people of food could hear the screaming but that it was tremendously loud to those who could. Oh wow. Only the people of Foon could hear the screaming, but that it was tremendously loud to those who could.

Oh, wow. Apparently I came out sideways. One leg, one arm. You're poor mother. Should I play the ladder? Yes, please play the ladder you should do. I want someone who can really give me a go. All right, give me a question then.

Mr. Ladder, how many runs do you have? Well, it's Dr. Ladder. I didn't go to laddering school for six years for no reason. Well, you have my vote. What? Sorry, I'm just playing a moderator. That's not what a moderator does. And when did this ladder become a doctor?

That seems unfair. I have a question about my birth, my natural born citizenship, and you just get to proclaim you're a doctor? Well, in my backstory that I came up with, I went to ladder in school for six years, and I think that gives me the right to be called Dr. Ladder. So you had to go to school to learn how to be a ladder? You weren't already one? Something fishy there. What? Wait a second. That's got you turned on. You're not really a ladder? No, no, I was always a ladder. I just got you to know. Is it really a ladder?

No, no, I was always a ladder. I just learned to be a better ladder. Look, this has no parallels with a wizard going to wizarding school. I don't know what you're talking about. All right, Dr. Ladder, if that is your real name, definitely wrong. How many of these runs do you have?

I have. Seven? Hmm? Check's out. Dr. Letter, what do you have to say about clearly you were married, got divorced and remarried? Clearly. And your new wife's son is accused of inbezzling money.

What do you have to say about your step letter? Jeane, you gotta be jumping in on. This is what's gonna happen with these debates. People are gonna be drawn to this charismatic ladder. And even though you're the person that would be the best for the job, people are gonna start forgetting that you're in there because they're just so into this ladder.

Look, I can't be responsible for the actions of my step ladder. But here's the thing, here's what makes me mad. I'm a real candidate in this real race. This is a fictional character that you are both immediately more interested in, and I'm furious. And here's the thing about my political belief. When they go low, we go high.

But ladders are both of those things, and there are also things in the middle, and so I'm confused. This isn't real, but I'm furious. But if I'm showing her, then I'm unelectable. So you, gentlemen, have painted me into a corner and now one of you's a paintbrush, and I don't know how to beat a paintbrush either.

I mean, you make some very good points, but you're so aggressive about it, though. I feel like you're sort of pushing me towards this fictional ladder that was made up. I have to be honest, the ladder has a leg up. Oh, now listen. If in this world you were to face someone as an opponent who you knew was unqualified. And when people were kind of catering their answers to that person,

you were mad about it. Wouldn't that make you be a little bit more angry in your delivery? No, I'd be so angry. Yes, yes. Wouldn't that be the natural response? Would people test as you for that? I suppose not, but I say a lot of stupid shit. Well. It's gaff after gaff after gaff with me and no one seems to give a fuck. And that's just one of the things that makes Dr. Ladder relatable.

Oh, Jesus, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. As much as I would love to take on this new, alternate life of being Dr. Ladder, I believe I have a higher purpose to die on a hill. I hope you do. I really hope you do. Wait, not you, Yusidor, the Ladder. I want the Ladder to die on a hill.

I want you to stay alive. Oh, no. We're Usador, the latter. I want the latter to die on the hill. I want you to stay alive. Oh, no. We're recording this, Janessa. We cannot have a recording release of you saying you want your competition, even if they're fictional, to die? Oh, you've done it again. Okay. Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to release the statement right now. Immediately following the last statement, I just said that made this whole thing happen. I don't wish for anyone to die. Even fictional people I am debating for the purposes of furthering my own political career. I wish everyone would live a happy long life. I just wish people would use common sense

when electing their public officials. Is that okay? Shut up. I think that's a very important thing. Sorry. Oh no, no, that was my campaign. So good. Wasn't it shut up and vote for me? I think it's very important to make a statement like that.

And I would also like to make a statement. I would like to apologize for not doing a character voice as Dr. Ladder. For I am not known for my character voices. Oh, you accepted. Well, I'm just glad that we were able to host this political debate all here on the podcast. I know some of these are non-traditional political voices. Some people think that Dr. Latter is a little bit fringe, but you know what, we should have

a forum for Dr. Ladder. I'm kind of the Joe Rogan of a Thune. Wait, wait, wait. Only in that I'm like, jack, super jacked. I don't know who Joe Rogan is, but here's what I do know. The Ladder is fictional. Please, let's not keep saying that the Ladder is a qualified candidate.

That's what they want you to think. Oh gosh. And I guess the let to be fair, even though he's fictional, Dr. Ladder is really leading against his building plans. So yeah, I don't know if I would vote for him. So let's, we'll give this to Gianessa. Gianessa, you won this round. You won this mock debate.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I can't believe I just lost on a technicality to a fictional opponent. But I get to a fictional ladder. Yes. Yes. And who knows if the ladder you run against is going to be sentience.

They may not talk at all. So far, there are no other people on the ballot or other ladders. As far as I know, well, maybe one or two. I'd have to really look. I'm running for so many. Yeah. Look look I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to have conversations with fictional characters and everyone likes the fictional characters better than you but you know you still have a lot to offer GNS. Thank you

thank you so much I don't know how you understand that but I'm glad you do. Yeah I mean I'm I mean I'm I'm going to I mean I would get it in theory. Okay I'll take it I'll take it and I'll take your vote once you're legalized citizen natural natural citizen. Naturalized? Arnie I like you. Wait is this used to door or doctor ladder speaking? Dr. Ladder's gone. Oh what? What? Arnie!

What? What? Of Arnie! Arnie, I like you. Flex, I like you. Gianessa, I like you. And I am definitely going to vote for you. Thank you so much. You said I like and respect you.

Who for sure. John, you really will help full... Arnie... Yes? I feel like you gave in so much faster than anybody else to the latter's whims. Arnie... Yes? I feel like you gave in so much faster than anybody else to the latter's whims. But what I took away from that debate was, though you were pressed by this latter on all sides and everyone quickly ran to the latter's defense,

nevertheless, you persisted. Thank you, yes, thank you, thank you. I did persist. And I will, I will persist. And that's the thing. Even if I'm not elected, which I, again, can't state clearly enough, should be. Even if I am not, I will continue to do the work I've been doing. And if I don't get credit for it, because that's kind of my thing. And someday soon, we shall defeat the Dark Lord lord, and we each other and return to our home of Hogs Facer, where we shall take our place once again at the new, a million

minotaur. Assuming we're still welcome back. Yes, you're welcome back. Yes. You all want to hear a joke? Sure. Can I reserve the right to answer after you've told the joke? Yeah, you can retroactively let me know.

Okay, thank you. How many doctor ladders does it take to change a candle? I don't know how many. I'm probably just the one. I knew I didn't want to hear it. I knew it. Classic. Have you been listening to recent broadcasts and then writing in your diary? Not enough lists!

Have they forgotten how comedy works? Well, feast away, Dionysus. Usual of the wizard was played by Matt Young. Flex Mulligan, the badger head on top of a decomposing muscle body, was played by classically-terrained crown jewel of the Australian theater world Geofry Rush. Rush's other work includes, what's that? Rush Bailed. Then who did the voice?

I thought he was just the band-aid until we found someone credible. We're treating him as permanent so he doesn't torpedo the show. Have you heard what he's okay, okay? On top of a decomposing muscle body was played by Adolfi. Gianneso Real Corus, the former sheriff of Old Hogsface, was played by special guest Dana Quircioli. Check out her new podcast, Those Who Ant, Wherever You Get Podcasts. To find her popular line of YouTube makeup tutorials, titled Slap It On Sister, Activate Alexa, and say, Hell, Bim Ugly!

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rathai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Irwolf Producer Kimi Lucas, this episode edited by Sage GC, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Oh, she'll be your sheriff every goat and tree. This is her election jingle every note you see. She's talking to you when she says hopefully, shut up and vote for me. Yeah. Shut up and vote for me. It is catchy. you