Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 52 - Critic (w/ Edgar Momplaisir)

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

A famous critic joins the podcast to talk about his strange relationship to the plays he reviews. Maybe he'll review the podcast!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJarmaine the Critic: Edgar MomplaisirTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Well, listener, I'm on the streets of your own Earth City Chicago. Hmm, I was told there'd be more Columbus statues.

Don't worry, my portable transceiver can still intercept the weekly transmission. Speaking of exhausting as simple as pleasant concept beyond its expiration date, Season 2 of Earth Games has officially begun. You know, the magic tavern spinoff where they play board games from Earth, the show is exclusively on Stichopremia, and the first episode of Season 2 is already up, alongside all of Season 1. Not to mention the spin-tax spin-off, the drip-fang and barren spin-off, the upcoming limited series, Kevin Siretta's wide world of preventable job interview catastrophes and much much more. Well, some much more. For a free month of stitcher premium, go to stitcherpremium.com slash magic,

or use promo code magic. Oh my goodness, in the distance is the Chicago theater district. The world Trisha said she was about to transform and it's just a smoking ruin. Nothing but burned out husks of buildings. Listener, I know an explanation for all this is over there somewhere and I am gonna just leave things here for now. Yup, this is enough. We don't get big developments like this in the framing device very often and I am gonna enjoy this rush while it lasts. And here's this week's improvised fantasy argument right on time. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern!

Remote Edition, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 5 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, Chronicling, our quest to defeat the Dark Lord, and also figure out why everyone in fune is trapped in little different fragments of the land.

That's why it's called the fragmenting. And I am joined as always. I of course, my co-host Talbot, the Talking Badger, Hey Talbot. All right, and Talbot, you know what? I know the last couple episodes I keep forgetting to talk to you after the first 30 seconds or so of the podcast and I apologize for that and I am not going to repeat that mistake again this week. But anyway, okay, okay, whatever you say, okay, cool.

I am also joined by my other co-host, a Badger Head on a decomposing strong man body, Flex Mulligan. Oh yeah, Flexi. I know you wanna be called Flex Mulligan in this form, but can I call you a chunt? I mean, yeah, that's the works. I mean, I prefer Flex or, you know, since my location is this beautiful shore,

maybe Flex on the beach or something like that. Oh, Flex on the beach? Yeah, okay. You seen hesitant. Speak your mind, speak freely. We're conscious. Where's friends, Arnie? So much of the flesh is falling off of that body.

It's real. Right, right. You can't smell things through a room, which we are recording this podcast via a magical room. I can't imagine it smells good over there. Yeah, it is. I gotta say it's pretty ripe. And then every day I wake up covered in flies, so that sucks.

But, you know, it's worth it to just be so jacked. I can't go back to a stick. I was so skinny. Arnie, I almost blow out the wind. I'm just worried about you. Maybe our other co-host will have an idea of something that can fix it. Why don't we bring him in my other co-host? Uh, Yusador the Wizard.

I am Yusador. Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulative of magical delights, devour of chaos, devour of the great halls of Turokus. The elves know me as fying elok, the dwarves know me as zoning in hook stenges, and I am known in the northeast as gas-weeniestest maestar, and there may be other secret names. Oh, names of such great ill-portent that if air they were uttered aloud, most assuredly, your rent would go up at least 10%. What? Your rent?

If you say one of my secret names, one of the terrible ones, your rent would go up at least 10%. Can you believe such a mystical, magical thing would happen? Are we being rent right now during breaksees? We shouldn't, we should not be. We definitely should be rent relief. The chant, we're not calling it breaksees, we're calling it the fragmenting. Says Chattanoid. But all right, yeah, you see, it's very important here that I ask you some question on. You can't smell things through room?

No, I mean, I can. Oh, you can? Is that a wizard thing? Visits can smell through room? I'm not a room expert. I mean, I have never even used room before, like a month ago. I don't, maybe I haven't turned it on, but I don't, I guess I don't wanna turn it on.

When we use room, I can see you, I don't maybe I haven't turned it on, but I don't, I guess I don't want to turn it on. When we use Roon, I can see you, I can hear you, I can smell you, I can taste you, and I can peer into your very soul. You can peer into my very soul? Peer, peer, not pee, how dare you. So you're saying that's not a functionality of Roon. I mean, I could pee into your very soul But I never even considered it before I got to be honest. I let you piss in my soul. Thank you very much, Chuck I mean flex. Thank you. Can I say do you think this body's decomposing too much? It just feels I feel sexy I mean it smells terrible, but yeah, you look so tough and I've peered into your very soul Yeah, and I see that you are happier than you've been at a long time. You peered into his very soul?

No. Peer. Peer. E-R. Peer. I peered into his very soul. Yo, I was thinking because I'm so jacked and I'm sexy now and feeling so confident and good about myself, I thought maybe we could start some content for just for the fans, like it's only fans who would view this.

Just some premium content of me and my sexy buff body, does that make sense? Little fan service? Little fan service, yeah, only for fans. Alright, well, okay. My only concern about this, John, if you start this new thing, only for fans, you know, your body's decomposing so much that like your skimpy underwear keeps slipping off, and I don't know if your, if only your fans want to see that.

Well, maybe I sell that underwear. For how much? I don't know, a small fortune. A small fortune? You can get that kind of gold for selling your underwear to only your fans. If it's only to fans, you can charge a premium. Oh yes, you could get hundreds of gold pieces or even a couple of rubies.

Or perhaps a sapphire or, you know, some bills. You could sell your birch shit right now, you're just washing that off. Or usually just leaving it on your cloak, but you could sell that. I could never get rid of my little bird dropping friends. This is proof that the birds love me as much as I love the birds. In Arnie I'm sure there's something you could sell. Like, uh, oh this turns out. Yeah, it's so Arnie that the fans would want to buy it.

Oh, the most Arnie thing, like really the essence of Arnie. Essence of Arnie. Like it has to be a physical thing. Yeah, maybe, oh like maybe, oh, uh, oh, be a physical thing. Yeah, maybe, oh, like maybe, oh, or it could be, oh, maybe like, oh, and then, or something. Oh, yeah. Sure.

Or maybe like some creative writing. Maybe you sell some short stories. Yes, use your degree. Use your master's degree in creative writing to create some creative writing and then set it. You know, writing is my passion, but it's so much work and it's so lonely. I think I'd rather squeeze out some turds and sell those.

No Arnie, come on, let's workshop it. So let's start a creative short story. So start us off. There once was a tree turd. A turd, okay. Chant to be fair, I've listened to this show. We've been squeezing out turds for years. Are we making a premium on them?

I suppose we could, but I don't know that anyone cares. Now, it's very interesting that you bring up fans, because I've recently become concerned that there isn't enough to do during the shattering. I'm quite bored. Are you bored? I'm bored. I'm not bored. You know who gets bored? Boring people. Boring people get bored. You're saying I'm boring? If you're bored, are you bored? I am boring. Boring into your very soul with this? No, no. That's what I was gonna ask. Damn it. You sort of

there's got it. I mean, I was going to ask. Damn it. You sort of, I mean, you're a magical being. How do you get bored? You could constantly amuse yourself with, you know, little top hats and whatever else you do. I'm doing that inside my brain all of the time. How's your bar going? How's Brim and Brew?

The Brim and Brew is going well. I opened a tiny bar inside my hat for people who didn't listen last week. To replace the Vermillion Minotaur, and sometimes I go in there and I have a beer, but honestly, I'm lonely without the two of you I have to ask who serves you the beer? It's another tiny knee and are there any other customers a bunch of tiny knees My hat is filled with tiny knees who just wait on me and pretend to be other patrons I assume they're quite bored. And sometimes I assume one of them comes out here

and takes my place. Wait a second, Arnie, I don't think that's Yusator. I don't understand all these wizard rules. Honestly, I'm starting to worry that like, have we ever met the real Yusator? You'll never know. Yeah, that's why I've been sending on a lot of birds, trying to rouse up an understudy for you just in case. Some other wizard would love to be on this podcast, I'm know. Yeah, that's why I've been sitting on a lot of birds trying to, uh, rouse up an understudy for you, just in case.

Some other wizard would love to be on this bad guest, I'm sure. Speaking of understudies. Hmm. Something I like to do, that I cannot do all the time now that I am trapped here in this, uh, small dimension, is go to the theater. You know my favorite play. Automaton Constable, yes. I love a Tomaton Constable, the story of a man who used to be a constable, died, and

there was brought back to life as a clockwork man. But it's not the only player I've ever seen. We used to see those players, the Cockticklers. They were very good. Yes. Core Blimey, they were great. And our good friend, Tom Blaine Bellaroth, who's one of the most famous coctaklers. That's right.

But I invited someone here who knows everything there is to know about theater. Ony, would you please interview this person I brought here for you? Well, I guess that's what I'm here for. Yeah, I can do that. Thank you. I shall tap into Rune now.

Just finger that. I can already smell them. Just tap. And I can peer into Rune now. Just finger that I can already smell them Tap and I can peer to their very soul and here I wish you on you're gonna pee into our guests all Here here here here is in all the food the most famous sort of you are a theater Jameen Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, so good to see everyone here. Oh, yeah. Thank you for coming. I'm delighted to have you here as a patron of the arts.

It is quite a delight to have such a renowned critic here amongst us. Oh, of course. I don't like using the word renowned because it means that at one point I was not noun, you know? Someone noun to me again. I've always been noun. It's like refried beans. Yes, exactly. It's like refried beans. Fried them once. Be satisfied with the effort that you made. I like that. Yeah. So as a critic in phone, is there a way that I could have seen your work? Like, do you write on scrolls?

I don't. I realized after a while that a lot of the scrolls were being left behind. People weren't reading my words. So I went ahead and started going from home to home and telling people my reviews. Oh, paper is dead. Paper's long been dead. I've been saying that for years. I mean, I look at it and it's a dead document to begin with.

One of the great things about theaters that it's constantly living, constantly changing. Perhaps on one night I enter two stage left, but another I enter through stage right. But paper itself is finite. That's something you should know about Charmaine. He's such a good critic that he enters on the stage. He doesn't sit in the audience.

He's so interested in what's going on, that he enters from the stage entrances to really understand what's going on. Well, well, let's talk about what critique is. You're engaging the piece. How am I engaging the piece sitting in the audience? I'm not engaging. If I'm on the stage with them while they're performing, therefore I'm engaging. I can give you a better experience of what I saw.

You're immersing yourself and you're reviewing it from the inside out, which is what we want. That's exactly correct, Chant Worth. I could not agree more. Ooh, Chant Worth. I like that. I guess I never realized my own worth. Everyone should call me Chant Worth from now on. All right. I love calling people by their full names. Now, you've seen many, many plays over the years. Do you have a favorite? Oh, I mean, to pick one play to be my favorite, I feel like, would be criminal.

But if I had to, it was a play I watched called by the moon, which was about a man who realized that the woman he was married to was his mother all along. How shocking. Oh shit. It was phenomenal. And I think about the playwright who wrote it. A man named Malcolm DeBal and I can't help but wonder if he himself at some point realized that he was married to his mother. I think I've heard this play. The lead character, his name is like, Ed or is it Piss?

Yes, yes. Ed or Piss? Ed or Piss. And Ed or Piss realizes in this moment that the woman that he's with is his mother and that he murdered his father. Interestingly enough, one watching this plague, one of the reasons why I never got to ask Malcolm about whether this was based on his real life is when I entered stage right, Malcolm was playing it up as himself and I murdered him in trying to get onto the stage. Oh, well. That's just, that's gonna happen. That's good.

If you enter a play, there's a very good chance that you're gonna murder somebody. And correct me if I'm wrong, that's called realism? Yes, that's called realism. Some might call it hyper realism, but definitely realism in some sense. So you're watching this play about a guy who realizes that he's married to his mother

and you're like, I gotta get in there. I gotta get it. I have to be involved. That's absolutely correct Arnold. I realized in that. It's Arnie. I'm positive it's Arnold. Maybe.

Maybe you're right. What's wild is that we never introduce ourselves. He's really good at naming things. He's showing us the chundras. He's showing us the chundras now. And you know what? I spent like over 200 episodes correcting you, said, or that my name is Arnie and not Arnold, but when you say it somehow, it works for me.

You know what? I'm Arnold now. I'm gonna write this down just in case I forget. You're writing down your own name in case you forget it? Yeah, all right. Oh, you have to. You have to. There's so many times I've been immersed in the plays

that I'm in, that I forget that I am a critic, and not a pavoma. Oh, it's always very dangerous when a critic starts to think that they're a performer. I've mean, then you start to think that your words have some sort of value. But if I could be honest with all of you, I hate my reviews.

Oh, wow. Well, I will say I've read, I've only seen one of your reviews because you are very well known. And it was mostly about like, being on stage, the elevation of the stage, and then like calling out people in the audience in terms of what they were doing,

where you're like, there's a guy, a three-row's back, who's kind of like looking down at this lap, and it's about the temperature of the theater, and stuff like that. Trump was like, if I could answer that. It's because I didn't realize this when I first started doing these, you know, immersive reviews, but when you're on the stage,

it becomes very hard to understand what's happening on the play. Sure, and all I could focus on was the audience in front of me. So at some point my review started to change and was less about the performance around me and more about what was in view of me, which was the audience. Of course, there's an old saying,

it's hard to see the tavern from the roof. Yes, yes. Sure. I mean, I find your reviews very insightful though, because I've learned to read between the lines. When you tell me that the woman in the third row is restless in her seat and she seems to not be paying attention, I say to myself, that's not a very good play, otherwise should be engaged rapturously

in what's going on. And then when you write a review that says everyone held their breath at the exact same moment as I murdered the other actor on stage, then I know that that play is very exciting to watch. Yes, you said, I mean, I couldn't agree more. I just feel as if you can tell so much about a play by the audience that's seen it, you know what I mean?

I mean, when the first play to feature elves happened, the audience was elves, you know what I mean? I mean, when the first play to feature elves happened, the audience was elves, you know what I mean? Not a single human being was in the attendance and you could tell so much about the play that it was special to elves. Where they were finally seen themselves reflected in the media as they always should have been. And you know, we don't talk about that enough.

How important it is to see yourself reflected in the media. That's something that we don't talk about that enough. How important it is to see yourself reflected in the media. That's something that we don't talk about enough. Yes, I know. And Ilves, I'm sure, feel slighted. I mean, how many plays do you see about sprites? You know, there are many sprites who live in the forest, but they don't get to see plays about themselves. Can I say something again?

Look, I've received critiques for this before. I understand that seeing yourself as important in the sprite community does not like when I say this, but I think human beings are better at playing sprites than sprites. You know what I'm saying? They're just some people where you watch them perform and you go, they've got a better handle on it, you know? Yes, I could see why that's not popular opinion, but each their own. I have seen, and not to sort of call you out,

but I have seen some other critics reviews of plays. And a lot of times what happens is they think that you're part of the show, and so they'll pan the theatrical production because they're like, there's one actor who seems to not know his lines and has a notepad in paper and kills people. So how do you feel about that?

And also, second part, there is a lot of people who say those who can't act critique. What do you say to that? So I'll respond both of those in the order that they were given. So thank you. Thank you. That's very professional of you.

I've read those reviews. And you know, it's hard for me to respect those critics who would go so far as to attack another critic. I don't know if you know this, but critics have rules. Okay? The first rule is never attack another critic, except that critic's point of view and don't ever devalue that other critics's point of view. Second is never validate your parking, because if your parking is free, then he didn't really experience a sacrifice anything for the play. Arnie, we should mention, validated parking is if you take your horses in your cart and you park them somewhere,

a lot of times when you dismount your horse, you'll look around and you go, eh? And you wait for someone to give you a thumbs up or say, like, good job parking. Good job parking your horse. You did it again. So you want to be validated. But that makes the play about you in that moment. But when you choose to just park the horse and not acknowledge the good job that you've done, you're sacrificing something. Let it speak for itself. Absolutely. Now to the second question about those who cannot act critique, what an awful thing to say. I'm just repeating what I've heard. I'm sure I'm just repeating what I've heard. Now I know you haven't seen me on stage as an

act and you've only seen me on stage as a critic so it's very hard to tell but I had a very promising acting career back in the day. Oh! I was forced to give it up to take care of my wife. Oh! I was forced to give it up to take care of my wife. Oh. My wife and I are about 40 years apart and she started to get older and you know, a lot weaker and I started to take care of her. I felt almost this genetic obligation to take care of her as she aged. So I go, oh, genetic obligation. I don't like...

Wait, how? Wait, let me ask you two questions. How much older was your wife than you and also unrelated? How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? My mother was 40 and my wife and I are 40 years apart. That's interesting. Jame, we're going to put you in the waiting room for just one quick second here. Ah, honey, chunt with.

It's Arnold. Arnold, chunt with. Do you remember that play by the moon? Yeah, about Ed or Piss? Yeah, I didn't mean that. It's happening to Jame. Are you guys picking up on that? I mean, I don't know.

All right, well, I'll bring them back. Oh, okay, I'll bring them. Uh, sorry about that, Jame. I just had to talk to my friends about Piss. Of course. Poor Ed. Jame, we ask a Biss about all of our guests. Sure.

Whatever happened to your father? You know, it's so interesting. course. Poor Ed. Charmaine, we ask a vise about all of our guests. Sure. Whatever happened to your father? You know, it's so interesting. I was once traveling down a road and a man came up to me and I felt threatened by this man and I attacked him and I murdered him. Now unrelated, I haven't seen my father in years. Well, it might be really bad.

We don't know. Yeah, why don't you tell that other story if they're unrelated? Why do you have a laptop? No, I don't know. It just flows out of me. Sometimes these stories and these memories, they flow out of me.

Is it possible that both of the, you know, the last time you saw your father was maybe close to around the same time that you killed and murdered this other person? Because sometimes like in memory, we just remember things that are connected that happen vaguely around the same time that you killed and murdered this other person because sometimes like in memory We just remember things that are connected that happen vaguely around the same time Arnold Hills Wilde push back against that that's exactly like the play by the moon and that's ridiculous Yeah in the play by the moon

Ed or piss walks up and sees this man and is threatened by him and then murders him and then takes his wife as his own. Now that's something different. So, Germain, just in case we might know that person, can you describe what they look like? The person you killed? You know, he was much, almost a much taller, older-looking version of myself. Sometimes when I looked at him, I said sometimes, which meant I saw this man multiple times, which I did. I saw him a lot. He sometimes he pulls up in my memories. I have this distinct memory of myself trying to wait

in the water and him giving me a lesson and saying, here's how you do it. Intercept. Your arms like this, kick your legs like this. And I said, thank you. You said he was a much taller version of yourself. At the time that I remember to him. Oh, I think I was gonna say how old were you in this happen?

How old were you when you killed this man on the road? I was very young, maybe 11 or 12 years old. You said, or Arnie, I think I got it. I think it was a mimic, like a bad mimic. You know those creatures mimics, who can, they appear in front of someone and take on their exact appearance to try and fool them or take over their lives.

He is just a bad mimic. I agree. Sometimes that's just too tall. Now, when you were an actor, there were some reviews, famously, where people would come review you as an actor, and they would say that for the entire show, you would just sit in the audience. Look, I've never, in my life,

tried to do things the way that everyone else does them. You know what I mean? Because here's one of the faulty things about that. And it's one of the things that I respect about you guys is, you know, you guys are always trying to change the way everything is happening. You know what I mean? You guys are always trying to go somewhere else than where everyone else is going. You know, a show might have one host. You have three. You know what I mean? Oh, no. know, I apologize for I so sorry that I I'm sorry Talbot. We should be paying more attention to you. Oh shit Talbot I am so sorry. I know I

have not ignored that. I'm gonna I'm not gonna keep making that mistake. Sorry. And Germain I will say we do pride ourselves on going somewhere that no other podcast goes which is nowhere. Absolutely. I think that's brilliant. And I don't know, I don't want to spoil this. But part of the reason why I'm here is because I'm reviewing your podcast. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Got into the podcast. Absolutely.

I can't believe it. It is so honored. Oh, a job made review. This is huge. This is huge. This is huge. This is huge. This is huge. One of us will die. If I find something you're saying,

we're finally getting a review. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. It probably won't be me, because I'm in a mortal angelic creature here and human form as a wizard. But just in case I am auditioning under studies for you. So back to your original question,

which I'm answering in order. I saw that all the other actors were on stage, and I thought to myself, how ununique, how unoriginal. So I went and I sat in the audience during one of our productions of You Know Me, Daddy, and from that point of view, I was able to see the play and develop an opinion on the play. And I started telling my director, you know, maybe you should do this and you should do that.

And he really valued my opinion. And I told him, I didn't really connect to this part of the play. Or, you know, this part of the play is very, very good. And it speaks to this sort of theme. And he really, really enjoyed that. Wow, it's very Brechtian. Absolutely. And Arnie, Brechtian. Absolutely.

And Arnie, Brechtian is, if something's breaking in real time, to break something is past tense, if it's broke that's future tense, but Bracht is present tense. That's right. And to check off is to say, that went well. I'll check it off the list. I've heard you can get arrested for check off

in the theater. Oh, No, yes, you can. This one critic, Pee with Herman, got arrested very quickly. Yeah, that's called the checkoffs come. Yes. Yes. If you introduce someone in the theater, they must check off by the third. So that's why never introduce anybody to anybody. If you had a theater, everyone should assume that they know each other or that they're not worth me being cast. For the moment you introduce someone in a theater, they will check off by the third act. That's true.

So go, hey, have you met Greg? Oh, shit. Well, let's take a quick break. And when we come back, we can start to do the podcast for you. So you can review us internally. I love this. Wonderful. We'll be right back with more Maddie Tavvy.

And we're back and we're the Magic Tevern. And if you don't know several years ago, sorry. Sorry, I'm so nervous. It's an old and welcome to the show. I'm so nervous because we're being reviewed. I'm the Chantworth, the Badgie, but also Fox Morgan. We have Ysador and the show. Interesting.

Interesting. Fuck, he's taking notes. He's taking notes. Can't tell if that's good or is that not good? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just, I'm so, so, so. Proceed.

He makes a lot of noise while he's writing. He kept saying, Zaza, Zah. And I think he said, Zigg is like, ah, you really, really, really think he said, Zigg is like, ah? Yeah. I also think he wants to be my, well, never mind. I might be reading into it.

Are you his mom? But I think he also wants to get with you. Well, never mind. No. Uh reading into it. Are you his mom? But I think he also wants to get with you. Well, never mind. No. Uh, no, uh, Jameen. I must know, during this time of our all-trapped and these tiny sections of food, is there anything you've been listening to or watching that you particularly like? Oh, yes. Are you still able to see some theater through crystal balls or through some horses blood or something like that?

You know, it's quite fascinating that with this shattering, keeping everyone indoors, that somehow theater has disappeared. I never would have thought that without people outing about, we wouldn't be able to get theater. So, I haven't watched much theater, but something I have been able to do is look fondly back at some of the theater that I was able to keep trapped within this magical box of mine. This is a bit of an industry secret that I'm about to tell you boys. Oh, I don't know though. It seems so experimental. I don't know how I feel about Black Box Theater. So with Black Box Theater, when you see a play that you really like, you open up a Black Box and you trap the actors, the set design,

even if they're really good, the stage manager, and you keep them all inside this Black Box. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, I'm so sorry. I have a follow up question. So I thought at first you were just trapping your memories of these plays, but it sounds like, and please correct me if I'm misunderstanding, that you have trapped

the actual people from the production inside that box. Yes, do you remember Chick Peer? He was an excellent, excellent playwright. A lot of people are wondering whether he was ever real or whether it was several of his friends actually writing his plays for him. He was real. He disappeared because I once saw his play.

And this was back in my sitting in the audience days. And I said, this is magical. And I opened up my mind. Oh, when you were acting. Yes, this is back in my acting days. I was one of the cast members in his play. Again, acting, critiquing words, I prefer actions, sitting in the audience or standing on the stage.

Yes, it's all one thing. You don't meet a lot of critics who hate words. Well, they always say, a play is worth a thousand actions. Thank you. Thank you. Well, look, I don't want to give you guys any notes. But sometimes when you're looking at a work, you're hearing so many words,

but you're not seeing enough actions. Oh shit, he's gonna hate this podcast. Well, it's also interesting he said he didn't want to give us notes, but he definitely wrote down on a piece of paper and slipped it to me that said, be funny here. Wait a second, I've been slipping you that note for... I'm not yours anymore, I don't know anything about it. Now it's coming from an actual critic, Ernie.

Also you spelled Funny or Wrong, NB. Are you sure that wasn't the note that I wrote that said C Fomia? We were on that boat and I was like, this fucking season that Fomii? Look, all I know is this, if you read my note and it said be funnier, that was an accident. And I don't want to admit this, but the reason why I started going door to door and giving my critiques aloud is because I cannot read or write. The reason why I was in the audience was because I didn't know my lines. the audience was because I didn't know my lines. I did it know my lines and I ran and I hid in the audience but it turns out an audience isn't a good place to hide. They all saw me and why the fuck is why is Germain in the auto he's supposed to be right

up here. Yes yes yes and I don't know if you guys know this, but people are a little worried when an actor gets up off the stage and goes into the audience. People have been killed like that before. That's very true. So what are some of the plays that you have trapped in boxes? I have Who is this Caesar by Shakespeare, where this guy comes in named Caesar and everyone for five acts. So I still understand who exactly he is. Yeah, and Arnie people thought Noah's actual name, but he tends to seize a lot of things. He tends to like grab bland and property. They just know him as Caesar.

Yeah, because he's seasoned. The play ends without an answer because he has a seizure. Oh, well, it was the season. Another one I have is who's afraid of this hungry wolf? Oh, and now I know this play. It's a very good play. It turns out that an older couple invites over a younger couple and then a wolf eats them all. Well, that's it.

That's it. The answer is everyone. Everyone's afraid of this hungry wolf. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's the twist ending. You're like, well, which one of them is it going to be? It turns out it's all of them because they get devoured. Devoured. I'm realizing this now, but a lot of my favorite plays are questions that are answered at some point in the play. Well, that's what a good theatrical production should question, you know? Yes. And hopefully answer, I mean, I hate plays that leave open-ended questions such as, you know,

is a witch hunt just a way for us to enact punitive justice instead of actually examining what's wrong with our society. It's why I've never liked the work of Barthor Billor. I felt like he never ever gave us an answer to that question. He just asked it of society. How dare he not give us a conclusive thing of absolutely it is correct to use punitive measures to get to the bottom of something. How else will I know what to think? Exactly. Exactly. Also, it's kind of wild that he was married to Marilyn the Crow. Yes. It felt like a publicity stunt, you know what I mean? I mean, it felt like he was married to Marilyn LeCro. Yes. It felt like a publicity stunt, you know what I mean?

I mean, it felt like he was worried that everyone was mad about the bomb you missed and that he was like, let me marry someone famous to get back into public favor. Yeah, and she had been married to Joe the Mage. Yo. Who is Joe the Mage is the very prime. Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I'm just nervous about this review.

So Joe the Mage was just a very well-known Mage, very powerful. He had a very powerful bat that sat on his shoulder and he could put that bat to great use and really just knocks bells out of the park. And they were married. And then I guess, I don't know if he passed away or what happened, but yeah, she eventually moved on. Where did he go? Joe Dimeggio? Sorry I'm nervous too. Oh wait I think he died of

Luke Eric's disease. Yeah as I was going to say he definitely died of Luke Eric's disease. Have we all been nervous for these last five years? Is that what's happening? I think so just an anticipation of this moment. Oh, I see. You know, Jarmaine, I have a theory about these play titles. Well, you said you don't know how to read or write. And generally, they don't say the title of the play in a play. You might have these titles totally wrong. You know, it does make sense to me,

because I was never told these titles. I assumed most of them. And a lot of them on me questioning the plot of the play that I'm watching. I remember when I first spoke aloud my review for who was afraid of the hungry wolf. I was me trying to recollect my memory again very confused because I was on stage. And I was just like, who back then was afraid of that hungry wolf? But also, why did that wolf spare me?

I was on stage. I remember you coming to my house and telling me one of your reviews. And the title of that show was, who is this guy? Who's worried about his father's ghost? And now like he's trying to kill his uncle? What the hell and I looked all over for that play and I could not find it anywhere You know that's a thing that a lot of people bring up about some of my plays especially when you get down to an

Integrity of it and so many plays are about Men angry about something so so many of my plays that I reviewed have very similar titles, you know? Art Reflex Life. Art Reflex. And speaking of Art Reflex Life, you from what I heard, the very last play you acted in was actually called Jarmines of the Day, and it was a one-man show, and you apparently sat front row and just had an empty stage for two and a half hours? I'd never in my life would have expected a Pulitzer, but for some reason, people were so moved by an empty stage that I was given an award for my work. The stage being empty made them think to themselves, what was I expecting to see?

Wow. Was the Pulitzer given to you by Tony? It was. And you know what? I'll say this about Tony. He didn't let me hold on to it for long. Oh, I didn't know you didn't get to keep it. No.

So it's, there's just one. Tony gives it to you. You hold it for a bit. You can talk to it after a couple of questions. And then you have to give it back to it. That's why it's called a Pulitzer. Yes. You pull it away.

Excuse me, sir. I pull it. Yeah, Pulitzer. Yeah, they pull it, sir. And they also have pushitzer. They have pushitzer where they push it on you. And you say, please, I don't want it. Get it away from me.

Because that's famously cursed. The pushitzer has been cursed by a lot of theaters, they leave this specter candle out there. When a theater's close or it's nighttime, they'll leave a specter candle and that's to draw in as many specters as possible. Any of the supernatural elements lingering, they want to fill the theater with that

because that gives the theater some character and some history and some story. And inevitably, one of the specters will go into the award, and then it becomes a push itself. That's what that candle is for. What an amazing specter gadget. Arnie, we're being reviews.

What the fuck are you doing? No, I think we're just talking about artsy things, right? Chant, let him say whatever he wants. You and I will run around behind the scenes and just fix it all for him. Yeah, and I guess also I did say check-offs come, so I'm way back. Wait, wait, wait.

Did you just say that behind the scenes, you edit what this podcast is? So what I'm experiencing right now is not the actual podcast. Well, there's a little bit of editing that Awny does, but we definitely do not have a group of people who work very hard to make our podcasts sound very good. If we had those sorts of people, fuck them. How dare you. How dare you come ask me to experience this thing.

Do you know what theater would be if you could edit it? Hamilton would be good. It would be an excellent piece of work if you could just edit it afterwards. But you have to live that experience in a moment. And of course I'm talking about Hamilton the play where... Well, Ham Elton is about the sick pig who weighs 2,000 pounds, right? Yes. And he's not going to waste that shot. Or as I like to call it, who is this pig that's so overweight and what is he doing?

Huh? Now listen, but for you to invite me here, where you aren't doing this live, there is an element that you are adding in later, is this respectful to me? I'm so sorry, I hope this won't affect the quality of our review. Yes, and the only editing we do is to tighten things up. We certainly don't add things later. Right, Talbot? See?

Oh shit, Talbot. Oh no, it's certain a lightning over here on the beach. Can you hear all that lightning? Or I guess it would be the thunder you hear. And also waves crashing. Don't worry, Chunt. Worth all cast a spell. And I'll make those clouds and lightning bolts go away.

Arach, kalaach, kalaach. Ah! I don't think we're going to afford the rights to lightning crashes. Sorry, I couldn't hear you too, over all those whale sounds. I'm appreciating this loud, loud crowd. Speaking of lightning crashes, did your old mother die?

My mother, my old mother. You said you could act in to take, oh I'm sorry, that was your wife. You could act in to take care of your wife. My apologies, I can flated them. I would love to hear more about your mother and or wife. Well, the whole idea of why things need to be pure and live is because my wife told me

live in the moment, never live a life of the seat. Because if you live a life of the seat, it will catch up to you and your lives will be revealed. Yes, and I took that advice out heart from my wife and you know, she died and it was interesting when her body was taken away by the people who do that. I'd never saw her again. Well, the the bears, right? The bears took her. There's all those bears. There's Paul, the bear. A lot of those bears will carry the body away. You don't know what the name of anything is, do you? I live things. I don't know the names of things, I live them. When they took away my wife, interestingly enough, a few days later I got a letter that my mother had died. Oh, that's terrible.

Had you seen her anytime recently before she passed? No, only in my dreams. And I remember this childhood memory of my mother rocking me saying, never live a life of deceit. Because if you live a life of deceit, that lie will catch up to you. Same thing you, your wife said. Excuse? Well, it's such a common expression.

And also, Germain's flying by, deceit of his pants, so. I hate to do this. But, Germain, I have to point out. No life has a number of parallels. You saw what is the upside of your life has a number of parallels with the play by the moon. Okay, look here's why I disagree with you because what you're saying is then when we like a piece of art, it's because we see ourselves in it and we're fl- Would you literally see yourself in it? You go on stage! Oh my goodness! That explains too much.

My mother had brown hair. My wife had brown hair. Well also what was your wife's name? Oh, Dad, I'll get there. My wife was a woman. My mother was a life. My wife was a life. Some of these are less coincidences. Now, Charmaine, it's possible that you have lived out in your own life, the exact plot of By the Moon, and married your own mother and killed your father.

Or it's also possible. Wow, what about his father? Yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, swim. He also read a book to be. It was a play by the moon. It's also possible that you were just in the play by the moon and you think that's your real life. Let's hope that. Let's just say that's canon. Arnie, to say something is canon is when it's so so tightly compacted, there's no room for for fallacy that it could be shot out of a can. That makes so much sense now, why people say that. I've always wondered where the phrase came from, and that makes it make sense to me. Or there's another possibility, which is we've made some major inferences based on a

couple of things a person has said and just traumatized you know. I like that explanation more because it absolves me of any responsibility though I love to do that for myself I know oh my gosh you know you guys haven't inspired me that can't be good maybe I should write my own play here I am critiquing at times completely ruining other people's plays with my acts as a critic. What if I sat down and I wrote my own story A story of a man who realizes that his mother is his wife I like that. I like that idea a lot Well, there are no new ideas. I

Well, there are no new ideas. I gotta say, this podcast changed me. I came in with certain assumptions of who I was. And in going through this podcast, I walked out better. Therefore, I started off at the circle in my comfort zone. But then you pushed me all the way through the hero's journey. And I returned back as a critic, changed. I have to give this podcast five stars. Yes, we've done it.

Yes, we finally got rated and reviewed. Well, hold on, hold, wait a second. And maybe this is the skeptic in me, but, do you know what I mean? Can I ask five stars out of how many? It is five stars out of six. I do have one note. The inconsistencies of names.

I mean, at some point, your chant worth, then your chant. At some point, he's Arnie, then he's Arnold, but Yusodore is always consistent. If I had to say anything about anyone on this show, that's right. He's a consistent man. I'd call him the backbone of the show. But I am always Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minimulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the Olvesnomies Fiendylach, the Dwarvesnomies Zonenhoek Stangies, and I am known in the North

East-Is Gasmaineus Mastar, and those names Unwavering shall go forth into the EFA through this podcast for many years to come. Yeah, I agree he is the loudest on the show. Well, Jarmene, I think we're running out of time, so we don't really have time to cover the fact that you fucked a horse and a step-dise out. Yeah, sorry we didn't get to that next time, we'll get to that. Yes, we have to have you back so we can talk about that. Make a meal out of that. What, I mean, what's next for you, Germain? I hesitate to ask. Ooh, classic Arnie to say what's next.

Well, you know, now that I know that I want to write a play, I'll probably have to sit down and write it. And then after that, I'll talk about me writing it to friends and stuff and passing at parties and they'll be like, oh, how's that play over writing? And I say, oh, I'm still working on it. Four years later, I'll finally finish it and I'll try to secure funding. And that will probably fall through a couple of times. Some people will say, yeah, I got you. Put it up here at this local theater. But that local theater will close down for a variety of reasons.

Perhaps the theater director is caught up in some sort of scandal of their own. Perhaps a fire who knows. After years, I'll finally get it up with one run and in a twisted, twisted circle, a critic will burst to the door and kill me. Beautiful. Oh, before that, you're going gonna have to learn how to write. Oh, shit. I mean, to be fair, you wrote me a note that said, be funnier.

I don't know how to do that again. A 5 star review, not bad. All we need is 100,000 more of those to bring our average iTunes rating up to Sadface emoji, which technically shouldn't even be possible, but apparently there was a petition. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Flex Mulligan, Flex on the beach, Chant or Chantworth, the badger head on top of a decomposing roydraged body was played by Adolf Reffy. Jar main the critic was played by special guests Edgar Montplacier, check out Edgar's podcasts, Culture Kings and The Wokest. You can also hear him as Salabin Grundy, one of the co-hosts on the Magic Tavern Spin-Off I Am Spin-Tax,

available only on Stitcher Premium. Call back. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolfi, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. But now I'm off to scour that dystopian landscape of decimated Chicago theater buildings to learn what- no, you know what, even just saying it feels premature. I'm gonna hang out a while longer on this bike path by the lake and count the number of parents teaching their child to rollerblade on one of the busiest paths in the city Already I've counted what feels like 100 billion whoops. I just doubled that now someone spreading a picnic blanket on the bike path Oh, this planet is too much My little black box, you've entertained me for many years, but much like I have to let go of the idea that my wife is my wife and not my mother, I have to let go of you.

Be free! You patron's of the theatre. Going good auditions, lady. Excuse? I've been trapped in this box, so I haven't... I just wondered if you've been in any auditions because I haven't been getting in a lot of auditions. No, no, I don't really act anymore. I'm more of a critic now, but now I'm a writer.

You know, I graduated from actor to critic to writer, so I'm also doing a writing thing now, you know. You know what I mean? Cool, cool, cool. Right before I got trapped in the box, I was up for this big thing. It was like an ad advertisement, where they would, they, they, they, they, they, they,

they, I was up for that too, and I crushed it. I fucking crushed it. How'd you do? I feel good about it. They were gonna paint me and put me on the side of a, a barn. Yeah. Barn's over the nation.

It's gonna be a nation, a nation wide. All sorts of barns. Oh yeah, yeah, that's the same, same put me on the side of a barn. Barns all over the nation is going to be nationwide. All sorts of barns. Oh yeah, yeah, that's the same for me. And I actually know, in that audition, I knew the farmer. He's an old family friend. My parents are friends with the farmer. So what model long did you do for your audition? I did Sandy from the dog.

Sandy? What's wrong with Sandy? No, it's good. It's good. A lot of people do No, it's good, it's good. A lot of people do Sandy. Good, no, that's fun. I just think I have an interesting take on it. It's close to me.

Uh-huh. You know, I know you aren't talking to me, but I don't really do advertisement. So I prefer to just do theater. Oh. Yeah, that's great. I mean, can you make a living doing that? You must be an opal.

You know, you guys are free to continue moving. You don't have to stay right here. You know, I open the box, you're free now. It's fine, we prefer to sit here and undermine each other. Oh, no. The wolf is getting out of the box. Ah, the wolf, the wolf. No, the wolf.

Ra-woo, Ra-woo. You guys are addition for that barn? Yes. Yeah, I did it too. I far crushed it. Ra-woo. Oh, oh, you guys audition for that barn. Yes. Yeah, I did it too, I far crushed it. Oh, never gonna book anything. Well, who you represented by? I'm represented by a witch with seven faces.

It's tough, because you never know which face you're talking to. You wait, you never know which face you were talking to? Yeah, it's weird. It's a lot, It's to be faces. Baby, baby, I never thought I'd see you again. Oh, no. Get back out. I can't, I can't look at you. I wish with seven faces and they're all smoking. you