Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 53 - The New Activia (w/ Tawny Newsome)

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Arnie stumbles upon Castle Skullmaster and is surprised to find Activia Barleyfoot inside.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungActivia Barleyfoot: Tawny NewsomeTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Well, listeners, I've made my way to the ruined Chicago Theatre District to find a familiar figure standing at the center of it all. Oh, don't come too close. I'm dangerous, symbolically. Trisha, what happened? When I last saw you, you were preparing to introduce real objects to improv. And I did. I was in the middle of this teaching transaction scene in a shoe store, which was killing,

and I knew it at the time. So I ran off stage, and I came back with an actual box of shoes, and pure chaos descended. They had moved on to Freestagg? No. Worse. It was like all the rules had disappeared. When people realized improv scenes could have props, they went berserk. The audience was on stage, no one was editing, and then it spread to other theaters. Stepan Wolf, the Goodman, both of which already used props. It

didn't matter. That's how in sync with cultural phenomena those places are. They were so relevant it killed them. So I have no choice but to rebuild Chicago theater from the ground up. What do you call a clone following in the footsteps of killed them. Gary Sinise, Trisha, I know this is a vulnerable time for you. Rock bottom. I can't believe I destroyed Chicago Theatre. Well, better to have your theatre be consumed by chaos, then just lock the doors and keep everyone's summer intensive tuition rather than confront your own problematic past. Would you look at that, there's our broadcast!

That's still going on? Kind of, they're all in different places, it's a whole thing. I give it another week or two. But see for yourself, listener! Sit back and enjoy the show! Oh my god, is that... I should really be recording this way. Thank you, Talbitt. That is very proactive of you, and I've got to say it is nice to have someone that has the podcast in mind for me. All right.

Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnold Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Five plus years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift,

and I use that to upload a podcast chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Uh, and I wasn't going to be recording right now, but I have stumbled across a giant ominous castle, and there's a sign in front of it, and I CAN read! And it, I think it says castle skull master. Oh I got I got a call up my co-host. I'm quickly. Oh, thank you Talbot. Yeah, you just got a finger there room. My other co-host Flex Mulligan. Bing Bong, you know, I would go by chat worth or Flex Mulligan or Chun. Whatever, you know, I'm open to, open to anything. Oh, that's right, because we were gonna change our, like I decided to change my name to Arnold.

And you've had a lot of names recently. Do you want Chun, Worth, Chun, Flexmoligan? All three, baby. And also, thank you for rolling with this because I called you out of the blue. And I love that I called you, you picked up immediately and you immediately were like, let's get into my names. Can I ask you keep using that term that earth term out of the blue? What does that mean when something is out

of the blue? I gotta say it's an expression I kind of take for granted but I think it means it's as if it's just dropped out of the sky like out of the blue like you weren't expecting it like I had a plane that just fell from the sky. Okay, I thought it was like a poor painter's term or something? It could be, like, like, hey, I'm trying to paint the ocean, but I'm out of the blue. Oh, I see. Yeah, oh, sure, yeah.

Or out of my blue period, like, if I, Oh, blue period, go see a doctor. Well, I guess you're royalty. You could be royalty. Oh, and Tal you could be royalty. You could be royalty. Oh, and Talbot, thank you. You picked exactly the right moment to start fingering that room. Again, to call up my other co-hosts speaking of Out of the Blue, it's Yusador the Blue. Hello, this is Yusador.

You've reached me at an inopportune time, and I'm not able to come to the room. Oh, shit. I mean, we know where can he be. We know he's there. Everyone is trapped where they are. Like he's not not there. How weird that there wasn't a beep. That's really fucked me up.

I, how long until that beep? Are we supposed to be talking now? Or did he even say a little message? Do we have an opportunity? Do we have a message? This is so weird. And that's the thing. Like if we're fucking this up right now, like, can we go back? Will we get a magical opportunity to be to like

listen back and be like, no, no, another take? Or we stuck with this. Be. Oh God. Oh, there was. Is the sound you were here when it's time for you to leave a message? Oh, okay. That's good. Yeah, it's good to say it wasn't even a beep. It was him saying the word be. Oh, God, I'm gonna start spiraling like John Favreau and Swingers, which is a movie from my world. I've explained to you repeatedly. Oh, and you said your parents were Swingers? I told you that in confidence.

Wait, oh my, oh my God, this is Arnie, hold up your rune. Okay, now turn it around. Uh-huh. What the fuck? What's a castle? Oh, that old- What is a castle? I really buried the lead, and I don't know what that means, but there is a giant castle.

I found a castle, and I think, and can you back me up at this? Cause again, you know, I can read, but I think the sign says, Castle Skolmaster? Castle Ritz. Skolmaster. What? What a weird thing for his outgoing message to say.

Is a place I would like to visit someday. Please leave a message after the Toe. The Toe, what happened to the beep? Fuck. Yeah, what does Barry the Lead mean? I mean, I've buried lead before. You know, I think what it means is you take the lead actor in something and you kill them and you bury them. Oh, and you said that's what Christopher Walken did?

These are all things I've said. And you said that I'm like a more horny bug sputney? Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, I say that like every time I see you. Honestly, that's a thing. I mean, I was me to ask you, would you prefer I call you Flexmolligan, Chantworth or more horny bug sputney, because it rolls off the tongue. Which is another thing I've been saying about you.

If you shorten it to MHBB? MHBB? Mm-hmm. Alright, fuck, do I have to explain this to you? M stands for more. H is for horny. B is for bugs. The second B is for bunny.

Does that make sense? I can't believe we're leaving all of this message on Newsydor Wait, was that a tone? I mean it was like a room tone, but is that the tone that we're supposed to be waiting for? Fuck, I think we, I don't know We should hang up and call back. Okay. That's a good idea. Hello. What is a terrific way to start a message right after this sound? Friends, it was a beep then it was a tone now. it's a sound. How is this episode somehow more confusing without Yousador here? This is what I get for not recording at our regular time.

And it's also weird that he entered his room by just saying, hey, this is Yousador, and not his full name. I mean, that's unprecedented. Sorry. Talbot, it seems frustrated. He just started charging towards the castle. So, you know what, I guess, I've said this many times before a fuck you, Sador, and he'll catch up if he ever does.

Okay, okay, all right. Oh, I guess, like, John, have you had experience with giant fortresses? Like, do you just knock on the front door? Who? Is the door open? Or is there a giant tum? Is there a moat?

Oh yes, there a moat. There is a moat, but there's a draw. Oh, hop on one of the sharks. Hop on one of the sharks. Yeah. Well, there's a draw bridge and it's down. I'm not gonna just hop in on top of a shark. I know it you do, you take the drawing of the bridge then

Crumplet up and you throw it at the door Like I say you're like a more horny bugs bunny You know I'm just gonna not I just on this on the beach I'm gonna knock it. I'm gonna grab one of these knockers and I'm just gonna like knock on the front door What's up? No, I'm glad that's the word play you chose after I said I was gonna grab one of these knockers. Oh I wasn't gonna touch that. I guess? Oh Arnie, Arnie, I think I know what to do. Instead of just grabbing the knocker, banging against the door. Oh, I was just holding it here. Is that how these work? Okay. That's a very satisfying sound. I've got to say. I got to get me one of these knockers and a door. You know what? I'm just good. I think it's unlocked. I'm going in.

Wait. Oh, it's someone there. Hello? Hello? I'm feeling like someone is at the front door. I just have this feeling. Hello? Excuse me. I'm just in the neighborhood. Wait, hang on, hang on, I gotta put me dressing gown on. My dressing gown is off and I gotta put it on because then I can get dressed. John, that voice sounds very familiar. Hold on, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. I'll have me dressing gown on so now I need to take it off so that I can get dressed It's a very rude to get dressed before putting on a dressing gown This is what maybe holding me up from answering this room call Okay, now I'm dressed but I've got to sit into something more comfortable because I have a sense that friends are here Is my sense correct?

Have I sensed friends? I'm a very friendly sort. I'm Arnold, me-camp, I'm from another world. I do. Say you brought some. Say you brought baked goods. I didn't though. I don't want to.

Just lie, but just lie. I brought delicious baked goods, and you can kill me if that's not the truth. Why not say it? What? Kill. I brought delicious baked goods and you can kill me if that's not the truth Kill Why bangers in mash it is me old friend Arnie and what's that who's that on your little room device there? Is that chant? Yeah, it's me and who's that that still image there is that you said all the blue did he not come to the room We're not sure.

It's me, Yusador. Still waiting for the message to begin. Oh, okay. He's got one of them funny, I'm answering messages, I see. Yeah. You guys, is your old power-weak TV a touch? Recognize me? I know I've changed clothes three times,

but that shouldn't make any difference. Activity a barley foot, I'm so sorry, I didn't recognize you at first, because usually you're like yelling at us and very angry and like driving us away from wherever we are. And they got highlights, so that's another difference. Those are differences you've listed then. You know, speaking of me past,

I do want to apologize. I feel like the last time we saw each other, I was a bit harsh, I was a bit rude, I wasn't totally centered in myself yet, I still had some so searching to do, I hadn't really aligned me, me shockers, I hadn't really gotten my, you know, my phone-ing together, so I've really checked in with my own personal resonance since then I've tapped into my feminine power and you're on my list of people to really say hey I have an apology for you. Thank you for showing up here you saved me a trip. So to you both and to you you used to do all when you checked this message eventually I'd like to say I'm sorry. Inner peace is a gift you can give yourself.

Well, thank you. Now, this has been, I feel better already, man. I've really been thinking about this. I've been journaling about you free. And here you are, you show up at the place where I'm squatting for a bit. And that is all legal. That's all on the up and up, of course.

Skullmaster himself, he invited me over. We met and he said, hey, you seem like a nice person. So I've been, I've been house sitting here. What's, what's bringing you to the area? Have a seat on this chase lounge. Oh wow. Oh yeah, I'll have a seat. I've never seen a giant couch made of what appears to be skulls and human flesh. Uh-huh, yeah it it's authentic. It was handmade. But I gotta say, it is comfortable. It is a lot more comfortable than it looks.

Because it looks like it would hurt, but it feels good. Well, it hurts somebody just you happen to not be it, you know? Lucky you when you're sitting on the chiseledowns and you're not the chiseledowns is what we say, you know? Oh, sure. Um, can I say, like, you know, Skullmaster? The villain's so evil that every time someone says his name, Thundercrashes? Oh, yeah. Thundercrashes, lightning crashes, and old Mother cries, so much happens every time you say

his name. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have a soft in our heart. He has a soft side. He really does. All right. Is he? You said you side, he really does. Oh, is he? You said you're house-sitting for him? Oh, yeah, so um, Skull Master and I met at an ogre retreat and we really bonded over, I shared love of ogres and ogre practice.

So, um, he said, you know, I'm gonna piss off, I'm gonna go to Bali for a bit, really get my head right, get myself re-aligned and recented. Would you mind watching my super creepy, very scary murderous castle? And I said, you got the right bird for the job, eh? Oh, if it's a murderous castle, be careful because I've run into a few of those and who I know people who did not make it out.

Yeah, this place can be dangerous, but I find if you just really come from a place of like true fullness the castle can sense that so like Arnie you're always been a true for person so this castle will not murder you right you've never told me a lie or told anybody an untruth ever in your time here in food right. Are you quick pick some shit. Do you have a kitchen nearby? I did, but Birds carried it away. I love Birds. Is that...

Usador? Usador. Leave a message after the toad. Oh, we- we- Arnie, we can do this on episodes. I would have been doing this the whole fucking time. God. Guys, I've just got to say, and I know this isn't the time we normally record. We can't all start phoning it in more than we already do.

I just hope he gets paid less now. Activia, I do have to say, one, it's wonderful to see you, and two, it's wonderful to see you in this sort of state. I mean, your shoulders used to always be up at your ears with tension and stress, but now they're way down at your ribs. Yeah, my shoulders did descend to my ribs and it is a dangerous problem for me medically, but what it does mean is what you're alluding to, my dear friend, Chant. Is it armomile, relax, centered, being?

And really, I have you, you three to thank for it. Oh, wow. I had no idea that we had any effect on you, you three to thank for it. Wow, I had no idea that we had any effect on you, but we appreciate your apology, which isn't really necessary. And we also apologize to you if we threw any logs on the fire of your stress or anxiety. Yeah, I mean, you did stress me out a little bit because you were so stupid and incompetent and whatnot. And I was pretty sure you were gonna run my tavern

into the ground, but I mean, no, we know. You're all idiots, but it's kind of charming and peopleent and whatnot. And I was pretty sure you were gonna run my tavern into the ground. But I mean, no, we know, you're all idiots, but it's kind of charming and people are into it. So it stressed me out, but that's just because I'm like a competent business woman. And you know, three blocs just mucking about kind of messes with my whole groove. And that definitely put years on my face

and took them off the end of my life. But now I'm so much more relaxed. And I can see you for just the charming, fun, weird, inconsequential creatures that you are. Oh, thank you. There are parts of that I want to quibble with, but I'll set them aside, I think. Yusador is not inconsequential. He shall have a great impact upon this world leave a message after two Well, he's back to town. Is he cycling back around? I feel like he's used to people who don't understand how messages work And so he really has to reinforce what you need to do after the town Well, this is better. I'm one time I tried calling him on the room He just started going you got away for the beat. You got to leave your name. You got to leave you gotta wait for the beat. You gotta leave your name, you gotta leave your number.

Wait for the beat. Nobody's home. It went on for a long time. That sounds kind of cute though. I might like to hear that. So, Octavia, when you were doing some soul searching and I presume some soul coughing, if your soul got going up at all,

what did you find internally that put you so at ease? Well, I guess it was when I was at the ogre retreat and I was learning from the ogres. Have you ever been, have you ever practiced ogre? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were saying, yoga retreat. You're saying, what is yoga? Oh boy.

What isn't yoga? Actually, I don't really know. I couldn't explain. It's a thing on Earth. It's like an exercise, but it's slow, but it's harder than you think. Oh, no, that sounds awful. No, who wants to exercise for slow?

No, you know what an ogre is? We have them here in Fune, right? You've seen on Met an ogre, right? Oh, yeah, too many. And name like one or two or even three massive traits of an ogre. What would you say is they're like main thing? Scary one. Ogres are very tall.

Two. It's like he can hear us. It is like he can hear us. I see that now. Yeah. So tall, scary and what's the third thing the most famous thing about ogres? People, is that it? They eat people exactly. Nice. For scary they eat people. So when you go on an ogre retreat, you are either learning how to do all those things or how to do the opposite of those things. Now if you remember me, you remember my shoulders were up in a more anatomically correct position.

You remember me, I was eight feet tall. You remember me, I definitely ate people, even if I didn't tell you about it. Just know that that's in my back story. Oh, yeah, that I did not know. Just know that. So I went there to learn how to be the opposite of anoga. And what they did, they made me small,

they made me less scary, and they made me only eat greens, just veg, just veg, no meat. Oh, I was thinking, what's the opposite of eating people and I thought maybe throwing up people, but I guess what you said makes more sense. There are some people who take that away and you know, we do try to get them help.

You know, ogre it into short as a real and you've got to help those people for sure. And this is, I've heard of this, the retreat. It's ogre the river and through the woods. That's one of them. Yeah, that's the branded one. You know, but that's quite expensive. So I actually, woods. That's one of them. Yeah, that's the branded one. That's quite expensive. So I actually went with a teacher of that one. Oh, okay.

They were a student of that grand master, Ogre. Yeah, yeah. So we kind of did the off-brand one, but who's counting? Wait, is this that one of that rare, very attractive Ogre, hot Ogre? Oh, yeah, okay. So hot Ogre was popular for a minute,

but then there was some, if we, you know, some, if we need some puttin' some fingers where they shouldn't have been, top, stuff goin' on, so. We don't subscribe to that one anymore, even though the teachings are solid, but you know, the teacher, yeah, bit of a scandal there, we don't support that.

You guys enter crystals. Ooh, yeah. You're familiar with a crystal, that's where you pay a guy named Chris, and he gives you powers. Well, I'm sorry. Pay him a toll. I pay the guy named Chris,

if he stole my cart and my horse. Cause I unfortunately put my cart in front of my horse. I was, don't know what I was thinking and he was able to run off with both. So, crystal, my cart, yeah. Yeah, that's too bad. Well, in my teachings, I pay a man named Chris.

He gives me superpowers. This crystal here is for quartz of milk. I'll just drink milk all day. I'm so sorry, I should have introduced myself. Hello, I guess your name is Chris. Hi, I'm so, oh, I am so sorry. I have a big room. I'm being very rude.

And also, oh, and I'm so sorry, Talbots here too, and I've been ignoring him the whole time. And also I realized, Mundo Lagrondle, I feel bad. I haven't talked to you in like a whole fucking year. And unfortunately, Yusur's not here. I mean, 40 more fucking minutes, and hopefully that's still not going. But Arnie, hey, somebody's got courts of milk.

So here's what you do. All you're missing is eggs and chocolate and flour. Oh, that gets right. It's all right, milk. And I can find those things, because I like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Get some milk, then find some eggs, chocolate and flour, and then you can bake some brownies.

Mm. And then you're not alive or in the house won't kill you. I don't mean to be accusatory or anything, because that's very much not my thing anymore. But like, my inner chakra is telling me that you guys are whispering about something deceitful. Is that what's happening? It's my chakra correct here.

Before I answer that, I have to ask, what's the chakra? What is it, some kind of chakra con? Acting like you don't know what it is. Yeah, you can't And now I love myself So I hope you all do do because I love the three of you No, we do love you. We love you activity. All right. I really need your approval So I just I will you mean a lot to me are we still leaving a message? Oh

Yeah So I just, you mean a lot to me. Are we still leaving the message? Oh, oh, yeah. Cool. Hey, Yusudor, this is Chuck Worth, AKA Chuck, AKA Fox Morgan. I hope you're done with this fucking bit soon and we have to talk to you soon, bye, love you. Sorry, I just heard the message and I picked up. Oh, Yusudor, Yusudor. Yes. Oh, he just heard the message when I picked up. Oh, you said or it? You said or it? Yes.

Hold on. He's going to say is what I would say if I was home right now. Yeah. Why are you calling me this strange time? Talbot hang up on him. No, don't be stupid, don't be. I want to hear from him. You said or it's activity.

You may remember me as a big scary moroder who was going to slit your throat if you messed up my tavern. But now I'm nice and I went to a networking event. Oh, well good for you, that's very exciting. What a wonderful opportunity for you to grow your networking and learn more about yourself. That's so weird, we hung up the rune on Yusudor, but he still able to come through. That's magic, baby. I, for I am the most magical wizard that is air-existed and I can have two rune lines open at the same time. Wow. That is

really strong powers. I only get one. My room connection gets really shaky. I think it's this castle like it blocks the signal or something. I need a wizard to come and look at it actually. So if you're ever in the neighborhood. Are you in Skolmaster's castle? Oh you know it you recognize the human couch. That the one I'm sitting on right now? Yes Skolmaster a sworn enemy a strong guy. Oh I didn't know that. I've been kind of out of it. I've been you know just really focusing on me so I don't know how the goings on. What's been goings on now that we speak of it? I didn't know you don't know about the fragmenting.

The what now? Is this why I don't see anybody popping about to the shops? Well, there's been some kind of magical event where everyone in Foon is trapped in sort of small areas of land and there's like almost invisible barriers, trapping everyone now. I've got an obsidian sword through me and I've been able to cut through some of them.

And that's how I got here to Castle Skullmaster. Did that make sense? It did make sense. You mentioned that sword. And did you like how polite I was being in not mentioning that hideous thing Through your body. I noticed and that was there. I mean that was very kind of you very egregious. Wait, no very Curious no gracious which would gracious very gracious very gracious. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm going for is tried

You know, I'm talking I'm working on myself. I'm working progress. Yeah. Activity, I do have to ask, it's so wonderful that you're turning over a new leaf. It's so wonderful that your shoulders are no longer up by your ears. Everything you said is fantastic. I do have to ask and I hate to harp on it. Were you in the castle when the birds flew off with the kitchen? And if so, tell us this story.

I'm so glad you can't glad you went back to that. I'm so glad because we can't move on until we know, can we? Yeah, I was here. It was our first terrifying and then gratifying and then I took notes because I was like those birds know a thing or two about lifting off with the kitchen and I wonder what they're making is what I want to know. Like, what are they cooking? Little birds are very resourceful, and they could be making all sorts of things. They might be baking a nest that will be more structurally sound than the normal nest they would put together.

What perhaps they're just baking little treats to give to the children? Or perhaps they're making the most evil risotto. Eh, to be created, and with that risotto, they shall poison all the evil doers of food. But do two wrongs make a right? I don't know. Hashtag evil risotto.

Do your thing, Twitter. They could be making a pie. Yeah, if it's a bunch of blackbirds, I suppose they could be baking themselves into a pie. Yeah, sure. That tracks, yeah. Oh, but that's what they're doing. I'd like, you know, well once this fragmenting thing is over, you guys are talking about maybe we can go and pop by that restaurant, that bird restaurant that they undoubtedly have opened now, I assume. Oh, I did see a sign for Eat Crow.

Oh, okay. I didn't see that because I haven't I haven't left the castle But I trust you. Oh, interesting. Why haven't you left the do you find like the castle gives you the energy to be calm and be Be sort of focused. Yes Watch you're calm and calm and stay true You can't see signs for eat crow, but I I getting little ads on my rune for red robin. Oh yeah, yumm. Okay, I've seen that. They do delivery, right? Where birds actually bring that food back to you. So that's different than them carrying off with the kitchen.

Oh yes, they're very good delivery sorts. They're capable of bringing it to you so quickly and so effectively, and your food is still perfectly warm. Oh, how I adore birds, please think of a message after the show. Wait, that was a message? Ah, fuck this. What are we talking to that message, like a bunch of idiots? It's whole to our head, I feel so stupid when I do that. There's no reason to feel stupid, Activia. It's just that I happen to look into the future

when I was recording this message and I'm having a conversation with you now that also happens to be the message on my machine. I have to imagine there were six or seven people that called you Sador and were just so fucking confused that how specific this was and did not tailor to what they were wanting to say. But also, it's impressive, but you would also imagine he could have done better.

Yeah, he could have really turned this conversation into something like we've all been kind of circling the drain for a minute or two, you know? He could have really had the power to shake this thing. Miss opportunity. Well, speaking of Miss opportunities, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with more Hello for the Magic Tavvy! Well, I'm sorry I wasn't available immediately. I thought that this isn't usually the time between our cords, so I was thrown off. I came upon Castle Skullmaster. Oh, right. I remember looking into the future and knowing that you did that when I was leaving my machine

message. Machine message? Yes, I built a message into a machine, an automaton that when air so-and-a-thc all my room, this unholy monstrosity.com to life, I, with sting belching from every orifice, or horrific, hell-beast, that-uh, uh, read back the things that I said to it. That's funny because I put a message in a bottle.

Yo! Why am I still talking to this recording? Talbot, hang up! Hang up! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, What are those things? I love that band. I love them. I know they're kind of niche and obscure, but like the fact that you just brought them up, that makes me even more sure that you are one of my closest friends. I had that feeling and now that you're talking about eggs though and chocolate,

I mean, would conjoined man, conjoined at the break? I don't. I mean, that means a lot. I didn't know that. Yeah, like, truly, how many friends have you made since you've been in food? I mean, I know you've got these two, but how many, like, true friends have you made?

What's the size of your network, you know? I don't. Oh, well, Arnie, I think I know what's going on. She's not being nice. She's being passive aggressive. She knows you don't have any fucking friends We've done over 200 episodes, so I probably got like 200 friends, right?

So you think everyone who guessed it on your podcast is a friend. Okay, fair point. The one that stabbed me with the subsidian sword, not my friend. So, one time? One 99, okay. And so you would have counted me a friend from before, and also, I did two episodes, so are you counting me twice? Yeah, and there's some episodes where we don't have guests. Oh, shit, we're painting Arne into accordance to do math.

Oh, look, I know, okay, fair. Maybe I'm, exactly acquaintances, are more than friends, but you know what? Yes, but if someone's just an acquaintance or a well-wisher, they're really a friend. Well, and that's what gets to the heart of it, and that's why I'm glad you guys are here, you know. So when we talk about friends, versus acquaintances, versus colleagues, versus, you know, people that you are cosmically linked to, like I feel I am with Arnie. That, those are different wrongs of your network.

And depending on which wrong you're actively moving between, that's where all of your business comes from. That's where all of your social interaction comes from. You know, it's really very simple. I have a few charts on it. If you guys wanna, I don't know, sit around cross-legged and have a glass of wine or something and just, I don't know sit around cross-legged and have a glass of wine or something and just

I don't know talk about connectivity Yeah, I mean that sounds great all those buzzwords you mentioned sound really cool and A lot of those saying sound real powerful from the ogre retreat, but it just sounds like Who had to put this delicately it sounds like you've been brainwashed? Well, who was a dirty brain It sounds like you've been brainwashed. Well, who was a dirty brain? Oh, to say, to shit. It's a very good point.

I'm very curious to learn more about this network of people that you're speaking of activity because I believe that only by working together has a fellowship of adventurers and fighters and lovers will we ever or come the forces of evil? That's very true. Can I take that quote and put it on my LinkedIn? Oh, yes, please What's your name? I was on LinkedIn? What is that? It's a really noisy place full of chains. It's just all these links making a den. Oh, yeah You didn't like that one no one liked that one Oh yeah. You didn't like that one.

No one liked that one. When you shake the chains, whoever is holding another into the chains, like, oh, I guess someone's shaking my chain. I guess I should see what's going on at LinkedIn. You should. It's a good way to get people's attention. You're that's right.

My mother always said, never shake chains. She would say, test, test, don't shake a chain. What else? I feel like I keep hearing I Feel like I keep hearing the shaking from the LinkedIn chains, and I'm always like oh shit That's right. I got it. Remember how to unlock these chains Oh, you want to like cancel it or something and you kind of forgot that you had them Yeah, I like me again stop making so much noise, but I'm like, how what? Well, how did I, how do I unlock these chains? I forgot, I did it once. I locked the chains.

Well, there's different settings so that you can have it make less noise or only make, you know, targeted noise that's like relevant to you in your business. I like to put little uh, chachkis on my change that explain all of my abilities and I have a nearly endless supply of abilities as a great wizard capable of a many incredible feats. That's how you record all this shit. What? I don't know about you but I'm kind of enjoying the recording like you know a lot that he knows where we're going so he knows what we're going to talk about is very comforting.

Well yes I always want to be a comfort to my friends it's it's always a pleasure to give some sucker to those who need a need a place to perhaps lay their head cry upon a friendly shoulder or just share stories and feel more at peace with the rest of all of creation. And I shall be that rock in your time of need. Speaking of rock, when I mentioned my mom used to say, test to test, I think I misremembered that might have been a rumors. Hold on, do we all pre-record this?

Leave a message after the beep. Oh wait, no, I'm in front of I'm in front of you so I couldn't I can't be a message But I'm not is what I would say if I was here right now, but I had oh Really did get us oh wow, so this has all been several messages this whole time I'm so sorry, Octavia. And you know, you were saying that you wanted to apologize to us, honestly, you don't need to apologize to us. Like, we weren't a bunch of idiots. And you know, I didn't even, you know,

we haven't even talked about the horrible shit that happened to Hogsface. Wait, I mean, I noticed that like, nobody seemed to be out walking about anymore, but like, what really happened there? Oh, you didn't hear about what happened to Hogsface and what happened to your father's tavern of a million-minute tour? You mean thanks for me in Minotaur's phone?

I'd trust you kept the name. I trust you. I forgot about the rebranding. Yeah, oh yeah. Did he just, you know, do even better in Q4 and did profits expand and you open several more locations? Is that what you're driving at? Not quite.

It turns out that all of Hogsface was destroyed. Gas. It turns out that all of Hogsface was destroyed by a fiery reign of meteors, which I called down with my incredible powers. But we did a good cause to confuse and upset evil, not to destroy that outright, but definitely to throw a wrench in their works. In our defense, it was a season finale. Yes. Okay. Arnie's always talking about, you know, behind the scenes you're like, we have to, you know, we have to get some sticks into the show. And so I called down a rainy fire of meteors that destroyed the town of Hogsface, but now they're rebuilding Hogsface as Hogsface.

Oh, that sounds nice. Yes. Nature healing itself and whatnot. You know, this kind of reminds me, this is in the first time the town's been destroyed I mean you old-timers must remember that you know this reminds me of a sweet sweet Remember that oh But it was sweet sweet when all those brooms came to life and just swept a shit out of the town until it fell down Sweeped it all away very sad day. I remember that of course. There's also yeah

There's also a night you're this, I'm recalling several times, there's March Madness, where that, um, that huge army marched into town and just flattened everything and everybody went crazy. Yeah, they stomped it, they stomped it all right under their boots. And then there was the new fall lineup where they took out all of the people in the autumn and they lined them up and they, uh, they murdered them, it was terrible. It was awful. And then we can forget there was light skinned ant viv. Yeah, after all that, and those no need to explain what that is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, which was everybody got a venereal disease that spread it all across their body,

so they could not see it. A lot of people... And it spread visually is what I understand, right? Right, so many orphans. This town has had a run of bad luck, you know, but personally, I believe that luck is what you make it. Like I make my luck. I also make my own opportunities, I make my own

visibility, make my own actualities and whatnot. So I'm harvesting and manifesting everything I need to see in the world and you all being here with me in this castle on that human school chair is all part of it. So thank you deeply, thank you. Oh, you know, like Tivia, I do appreciate this new positive attitude you have. It seems like it's really turned your life around. Like what kind of positive things has it actually done for you? Cleared up my skin first and foremost. Yeah, I can see your veins. Yeah, no, it's clear. The skin is now clear. So thank you for not finding it gruesome. I think it's quite lovely. know it got my it got my finances in order it didn't make me more wealthy But what it did was it allowed me to look at my finances and say oh there are none which is something I wasn't able to do before

so broke but with awareness and Has my new life And it also freed me from this you know inane quest to find my father O-Talk. Oh, yeah. You should find O-Talk. Yeah, it's something we really gotta get around today. Activity, can I ask? I do see, I think I see behind you,

it looks like a two by four with a bunch of eyeballs nailed into it. Is that your vision board? That's my boyfriend. Oh no. I am so sorry. Oh, you're right, it's moving. I didn't notice that.

Oh, um, I'm shantay. I assume the board's enchanted. Yeah, yeah, it's an enchanted board. And, you know, they said visualize what you want. And I said I want partnership in my life. I want love. And so I visualized it. And all I could see was,

you know, a tube before with some eyes, because I said the eyes are the window to the inside of the tube before. So. The eyes have it. There he is right there. You know, he doesn't talk much or eat or take me to dinner but he'll need it, you know.

Love is love. Does he have a name? Woody. Woody. Hi Woody. Uh-huh. Greetings to the Woody. I am Usador and I am pleased to make your acquaintance. Know this. You should take good care of our friend Activia because she is a dear and trusted friend and if you ever do anything to hurt her I shall turn you into a one by three. That now we don't normally threaten physical violence in this house we have ascended past that but I will back that up used to draw the bad motherfucker he will kill you so would he be on your pees and cues alright. That's right. Activier can I say? Look, who am I? The last thing I wanna do is to judge your newly-son life.

But I do worry most of all the effects seem to suggest that are you dying? Like physically, everything that's happening has me a little bit worried about you. I mean, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you all like this because I wanted us to have more time together. In fact, I don't want you to see me like this at all. My body deteriorating, my mind getting more beautiful and clean and brilliant and washed.

What you guys remember me how I was, but nicer. Looking more closely, those aren't highlights, just big chunks of your hair has fallen out. Oh yeah, we're stupid. No, none of you are stupid. It doesn't be kind and not pointing out my obvious decrepitude. No, you're, there's, there's, there's, Listen, there's chunks of your hair falling out, your shoulders are down by your ribs, skin is transparent, but listen,

you've never looked better. Oh, I believe that if you believe you're dying, perhaps it's your mental state, perhaps if you grab on to life again, Octavia. Choose to live. Perhaps you can overcome the decrepit nature of your current body. I look at Woody there.

I mean, I've looked at him a few times now. I keep looking away and I look back and every time I look at him. I mean, I've looked at him a few times now. I keep looking away and I look back and every time I look at him, I say, surely I can't look at Woody again. They can't strut out Woody a fourth or a fifth time. That would be insane to keep telling a story about this same little Woody character. It doesn't make any sense, but yet it works.

I look at Woody and I say Woody has grabbed life by the tale and activity you can do that too. And also I don't want to be rude but this whole time it looks like there's a snake in his butt. And Chunjin I also just wanted to say right now, please leave a message after the toad. Everybody, hey, I'm both of them. All right, Arnie, it's just me and you now. I'll thank anyway. And Talbot, and Chris, and Woody, and all those birds. Those birds did come back. You already have my kitchen.

What else do you want, birds? You already have the kitchen. What else do birds want? Do you think they want me? Do you think they know I'm in the state of entropy here? Just decay. Oh, they do seem to be staring directly at you. And one of them is holding a fork and knife.

Oh, this is a bit grim in there. I'm going to be eating by giant birds. I don't know. But activity, all of your symptoms are so weird. That didn't come out as comforting as I thought it was going to maybe you're just like cursed there's some magic thing maybe this is just very easily reversed oh you saying that maybe it's something I can overcome with my mind with my manifestation hmm I don't know I would think they were crystal for this um that also reminds me Chris have you been doing this?

You didn't talk a lot, does he? Sorry, I waited a while. She said I went to the office today. I was stuck in my throat. No, the ideal is real simple. My name is Chris. She pays me a monthly fee, and I give her certain powers.

You know, she said she wanted her skin to clear up. I helped her with that. Is that a power? She said she wanted her shoulders to clear up I helped her with that. Is that a power? She said she wanted her shoulders to relax I helped her with that. What's the other thing y'all think is wrong with her? Well your skin is churning translucent we can see right through to your veins. He mentioned that he mentioned that and also shoulders. I guess he just didn't mention what's going on with these birds, the carrion.

Oh, they just want a friend. They kind of like your vibe. So they want to carry you off and help a party if you cool that. I'm not with them though, so like I don't speak for them, but like I do understand bird. And Socrates, you do have healing powers?

I mean, yeah, like I can, but like it takes a minute, so like I just, you know, I mean, you know and do you Do you like charged by the moonlight or charged by the hour or how do you charge? You know like the the plane of energy that I'll be vibrating on I don't really do money or a coin or anything anymore You know, I just kind of go by like what's's the purses, aura, and then I'll be like cool, and then I'll do it.

So for you, I'll be like, yeah, so what do you need for instance? Oh, oh my gosh, here's my opportunity. Well, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm a shape-shifter badger head on top of a decaying muscular body that washed ashore on the beach. I know it's kind of simple and straightforward and broad, but. Yeah, Taylor, is that what it's done? I would love to have my badger body back.

Okay, I'm gonna do a spell, but I'm also gonna prescribe some follow up treatment for you. So here go to spell, Wiffle DeWaffle De, give this man Socrates, make him smart, make him good, give him what you think he should. Okay, that go to spell. But then your- When you mentioned Socrates, an eagle almost dropped a tortoise on my head, I think. Careful, but also you're welcome.

So then my recommendation for you go forward juicing. Oh, okay, drugs. No, you know juice from fruit. Just regular fruit. Fruit juice. Wow, holy shit, I think my body's turning back to, look at this, I'm a virgin. Oh, wow, that is amazing.

See, Chris is very good. You see what I pay on the toes. Oh, Chris, thank you so much I thought that was a storyline that was gonna be drawn out for way too long But thank goddess as we're able to wrap it up. Thank you so much. Yeah, oh, I know thing I'm here to wrap up whatever you need your mind if I finish my grilled cheese sandwich It is you get a cold and rubbery. Oh, yes, enjoy that sandwich. Well, it's still warm Chris. Chantworth. I'm so happy for you Oh, and Chris makes sure you chew just cuz you've chucked you know this thing Yeah, I'm having happy for you. Oh, and Chris makes sure you chew

Yeah, I'm having for me too. This is great. Now you're a badger again Talbot you don't go That was very rude. Oh, did Chris just wrap up a lot of things for you suddenly That's what he does. He shows up. We don't always know when or if he's going to speak. And then he fixes things for people, so maybe he can fix things for me. Yeah, Arnie, you should have Chris wrap up this whole room thing, the shattering. Fix the shattering? Well, not fix it, but wrap it up.

What's the difference between wrapping it up and fixing it? I guess, I don't know. Talbot, stay here just in case. These birds keep creeping ever closer to me. Do you guys think, I mean, Chris said they just want a friend. Should I go with them? Like, are you guys cool?

I don't mean to give you a task, but are you guys chilled to like watch this castle if I bug off for a minute with these birds? Or is that cool? I don't know. If that's the best thing for you, then certainly you should leave with the birds and Arnie will gladly take care of the castle and I can walk him through any magical mishaps that haven't here. Is it alright if I kind of rife or through Skullmaster's things? I mean like look we believe in full transparency so like not only can you rifle through his things

But like he expects anyone who stays here too rifle through his things. We have no secrets amongst us Have you missed Skullmaster? He's a very blessed out guy Really? I just heard that he's very evil. Yeah, he's both. Yeah, yeah, he's complicated You know he operates on a lot of different planes, I'm to know these birds they just alright alright guys they just they're really getting close and like I don't know I feel my heart pulling me towards them like they're calling me maybe I should just give in you know follow my bliss and whatnot. Your heart does seem to be slightly pulling out of your chest. Yeah, my heart is leaning towards the birds and they'll probably grab me by it and lift me up into the sky if I was

them. Oh, there they go. Oh, Octavia. Oh, be careful. I feel great. I feel like I'm transcending. I'm floating. I'm vibrating, higher and higher. I can't tell if this is really a good thing, or you're just putting a positive spin on something truly terrifying. Yes, the difference! What wise words. Wow, her heart really is taking her higher and higher. I'm here for marshmallow you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher.

I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher.

I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you in higher. I'm going to get you the master of the house, aren't you? I'm the Skull Master, Castle Master. That's right, whoever controls the Skull Master castle is the most powerful bean on the whole island. Oh shit, is that true, Chris? Yeah, I mean, because like, personally, I'm on a month to month though. So I can get out whenever I can leave now or wait a week to hang out for a bit.

Um, you got any more grilled cheese? I'll go whip one up. Yep. But there's no kitchen. No, I mean I could just start a fire. You know I'm resourceful. Oh, all right. You got to pay the toll.

Oh shit. What is the toll? I saw it's so little unclear. You pay a toll to Chris. That's a crystal. And then I make you a rich easy which was unclear about that Yeah, I understand that it's your toll But what is like what is it? What's the price?

It's a crystal the price is what you make it. I mean what is a crystal worth to you a lot of money, right? They worked a lot of money. It's not something you can just go walk around and find on the ground somewhere and polish up It's selling a fancy store a crystal or something that comes from heaven itself So you got to pay a lot of money for it or else you stupid and dumb and poor Just me clear. We're talking about grilled cheese sandwich here, right? Hey, man. I don't think you're ready for this kind of a crisp relationship. So like I'm actually just gonna bounce because I feel like a lot of negative heat coming off your shot grunt and Yeah, I don't know. I just I'm not hit to it so I'm just gonna go whoa there's

moorbirds carrying Chris away Chris are you okay with this this is my ride I'm glad that happened because I got to be honest I was very close to selling myself or a grilled cheese sandwich why I guess I have a castle now. Congratulations, Ernie. Is what I'd say if I was here right now. God damn it. Which I am. Not.

Hmm. Have I just been having a pair of social relationship with some previously recorded material? That's correct, Ani. You've never, ever had a conversation with either one of us. Leave a message after the tone. Oh shit.

I would have felt better about this if I still had a commute. Usador, isn't this fun? And having a wonderful time. Pretending that we're not really here. I wish I could always pretend that I wasn't really here. You didn't hear that did you, Arnie? If you have an out for this episode, leave it after the beat. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, the show that did for Talking Badgers

what serial did for inconclusive murder trials. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the Talking once again, Badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Activia Barleyfoot was played by special guest Tawny Nusum. Check out Tawny's show Star Trek Lower Deck streaming now on CBS All Access. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacant, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz. Eer will producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Chris Rathgeon.

Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Trisha, I know you've got a lot going on, but the Institute is yours if you need a place to crash. Is that Guy Lincoln still there? He's either dead or still finishing the last of us too. I could use a rehearsal space.

I wanted to reignite theater in this city with a series of monologues from historical Chicago figures. You know, the Institute might be full up right now. Mmmmm. What's it like to be a cow who loves arson? Actually, the Institute burned down. Oh, that's perfect. I can use that. Damn it. Thank you.