Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 54 - Mouse Queen (w/ Erin Keif)

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

Momo the mouse with human strength stops by Castle Skullmaster to introduce everyone to her new boyfriend.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Hey there Earth-listening audience, what's this name without critiquing mask etiquette for the afternoon and asked me to take over? So I'm just trying to make sense of the control panel here. There's a bunch of debris on top of it. Let's see. Here's a thick binder with Matt Young voice acting suggestions written on the cover.

Boy, this is really heavy. Okay, and this notebook says, favorite adult quotes. Huh, it's empty. Okay, well, we've got a computer printout that says secret Arnie Rescue Plan. This looks so old that they can't be using this anymore, right? I'll just bring this to my rehearsal space to take character notes. Audience, I really don't know what's happening story-wise with the podcast. That is of course not real blah blah blah, but according to my old boss, nobody really knows what's going on. So let's just get into it.

Like my old improv instructors used to say, jump and knit your parachute on the way down. Oh god, then I dragged an actual parachute on stage and nope nope, not ready to process that trauma. Putting it over here for the moment. Okay, intercepting transmission now. Hello from Castle Skull Master! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

About five years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest at a Feet the Dark Lord. A lot of other shit has happened, but most recently I stumbled upon Castle Skullmaster, this big creepy fortress that I'm apparently now house-sitting for missing Moniacle villain. And I'm joined, as always, by my good buddy. He is not a Monal villain or is he

Shump the talking badger. I got my badger body back. Look at this bad juteil. Look at these two but holes come a little badger feet Look at your hands. Everything about me badger badger. Yeah, didn't have to wave all those things I am feeling good and already I've been I've been juicing so much fruit juice. Oh, not drugs. Not performance in handsome food. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just juicing. I found some grapes. So your performance will not be enhanced in any way.

No, it was strong. No, no, no, no. So I've just been, I found some grapes and I tricked those off, got some juice. Found a banana, I tricked that off. You got those juice, huh? What's this? I've been juicing. Okay. Juice juice juice. those off, got some juice, found a banana, I drink that up. You got those juice? What's this? I've been juicing.

Okay. Juice juice juice. I'm not drinking the juice, but I just, I drink off all the fruit I see. That's what I thought. I thought, yeah, I didn't, I felt like I thought I caught that in the middle of that, and then I felt weird asking about it.

Arnie, I was about to say, can that be a t-shirt, but I recognize that that doesn't make a great t-shirt. Could it be like a magnet or something? I jerk off all the fruit I see. Just like a magnet, like something at home where other people can see it if they went to, but it's not, you're not thrashing it in any waste phase. Um, can that be a shirt? Didn't you say there are some famous earth people who jerked off fruit? Seize on. Uh, do you say Paul says on? I'm trying to track, I'm trying to track the things I said apparently. Maybe I'm misremembering. But anyway, regardless, I am so excited to be back in a

badgy body. Yeah, it's good to have my good badgy body back, I'm glad that you don't have that crazy decomposing muscle man body anymore. I know it's so weird to walk around and hear my liquefied organ sloshing around. It's just a sound that I'll never forget, if that makes sense. I know, tell me about it. I know exactly how you feel. Well, you get that sword through you.

How is that doing? Is there any scabbing? Is there any, does it ever jostle or move? You know, I always feel it. It's kind of just always there. I can use to it a little bit. You know, when I was using it to cut through the almost invisible magical walls of the fragmenting,

I did feel like it was slightly chipping away at the obsidian. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. Wow. Is it itchy at all? No. No. And I have to imagine you're a side sleeper now? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, got a sleep on my side, unfortunately. Yeah And I have to imagine you're a side sleeper now? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, got to sleep on my side, unfortunately.

Yeah, I have a little adventure. I have a little adventure. You know, if you're sleeping on your side and you're rollover and bed, would you lift it off the bed? Oh, he winches and then slam down. Ever since you started talking about drinking off fruit, like everything you say sounds dirty.

It's like, hey, in the middle of the night you have a little adventure, you know what I mean? Come, banana. That's a little song I sing. Come, Mr. Banana. Come, right now. Ah, you got the best pillowchairs. Oh come, this is 10, I want them to come. Come, Musica. Is that fun? This is a little song I invented. Hey, you know what? Let's bring someone, let's, let's force someone else to deal with this.

I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor, Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great pulls of Trockus, the host Nobi is fying Yaluk, the dwarves Nobi is zoning in who stangies and I am ruined in the northeast, as gasamwayneus may star. And there may be other secret names. Oh names that if air they were uttered aloud. Most assuredly they would tally every banana in all of food.

Sorry my friend I'm not tallying those bananas, wink wink, 99. Jirk-jirk. Don't do that in front of us. What else have you been doing this week on? You have been in charge of Castle Skull Master. Sure, you've found some great secrets, some powerful, artifact that can help us defeat the Dark Lord or Skull Master himself.

What have you been up to? I've spent, you know, as anyone who's been house-sitting does, I spend a good amount of time snooping. So like I go into a room and I find like a giant wardrobe, or chest and I open it up and I've gotta say, almost every time I find like organs, like body parts. Oh, it's real weird. Do you know what my favorite part about opening a chest is?

What's that? That's salt. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Now, I'm finding like a spleen, I think, and like a kidney, I assume. A lot of fingers, a couple toes. Any heads? Head fingers and toes? Or just fingers and toes? Well, I did find a head, I did find some shoulders, some knees and some toes.

What else? Head shoulders, knees and toes. Oh, also in the bathroom, I found eyes, ears, a mouth, and a nose. Did I mention that I found some head shoulders, knees and toes? Yeah, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Yeah, this is very strange.

The strangest part is most of these things aren't technically organs. Arnie, you may have to put this person back together. Oh yes, did you try reassembling them and bringing them back to life using your necromantic powers? Yeah, first of all, I don't have necromantic powers. What? Yeah, no, and I'm not going to, honestly,

this is what happens every time I open it and I see body parts and I go, ooh, giggle, giggle, giggle, and I shut it and I run away and I take a nap. Already that you? Oh, it's me. Also, I've been hearing this sound all week. I think, I think there's a ghost in this castle.

Oh, it's me. There's a ghost, there's a ghost and it knows my name. It's not like a kid touching a hot stove. Arnie, look down at me, Momo. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, Momo, are you a ghost? No, Momo's just very pale all the time. It looks very sick.

Oh, Momo, are you doing okay? I'm great, aren't you? You know, I thought I heard you. This is crazy. What are you doing here? Well, you know, I was just wandering around and I happened to stumble across Castle, Skullmaster, and the person who was house sitting

at Tivia Barley foot put me in charge while she was carried off by birds, you know, as you do, and now I'm house sitting. What are you doing here? My new boyfriend lives here. Your new boyfriend? Yeah. Yeah, well he is a tall drink of water.

Uh huh. Full stop. Well, he is a tall drink of water. Full stop. Oh, is that literal? Yeah, it's literal. And when we kiss, I can hear his organs flashing about and it's a sound I'll never forget. That's so funny you're dating a tall drink of water because Activia, who was carried off by birds by her heart, long story.

She was dating Woody, who's two by four with eyeballs nailed it. He's a vision board. Arnie is Woody still there? Yeah, there's still some eyeballs nailed to a board on the wall. Yeah, eyeballs have been crying ever since she left, though. Oh, or dripping. It's hard to tell. Yeah, I didn't realize that. Charlie, you used to do it here. Forgot your name for a second. My god, it's been that long. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm talking to them via Roon. We're just trying to have some, you've got to have some FaceTime with people. You can't spend too much time in Castus Skullmaster without dark having any kind of human contact. Well, it's not FaceTime, it's Roon. And to be fair, you're the only human here. So to say, human contact is a little degrading. Yeah.

Shant is clearly a shapeshifter who prefers to be a vajra. Momo's clearly a mouse with human strength. And I, and clearly, an angelic being brought down to food to save it from evil. An angelic being? And fight. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Little bean with angel wings. Wait. Was I an angelic bean? Maybe I was. Oh shit, Yusador, were you traded for a cow? I think I was traded for a cow. And then I grew into a mighty bean stock. And then I slayed the giant, the giant of evil.

Yusador, I've said it once, I'll say the thousand times. You need to write a book. I would read the heck out of that book, you said, or? I will start writing this book right now. Quill. Your first word is Quill? Oh, no, you're writing it. Well, the Quill's just writing by itself.

It's sort of a magic's Quill, but it's just kind of drawing squiggly lines with no discernible letters. Speaking of magic, Arnie, have you gone into any of the wardrobes or tests in this castle yet? I've got not all of them because it seems like there are hundreds and hundreds of rooms here, but I have gone in a couple and I've mostly just found body parts and organs. Oh man, you got the right end of that deal. Mom had a crazy experience.

Mom, what's that little crown on your head? I'm so glad you asked. I've kept it on fair retention. Mom went through a wardrobe and at first it was just these big furs and I was just walking through and then there was snow. Okay and then there was a lamppost, right? And then there was a fawn and then I was a queen for 80 years. But I was a very cruel queen, so they were very happy when I left. And then I came back here and only five minutes at best.

Oh wow, I was gonna say you look much older. Yeah, you look real bad. Well, I was a queen for 80 years. It like takes it out of you. That's exhausting. My god, I had a lot of my plate. What an incredible story, but is it as incredible as the that my Quill just finished writing?

The Corrections by Jonathan Franzi. Let me flip through this quickly. No, your story is better! He threw it into the sire. I'll start another novel now. I hope it's better than that one. I'd love to read it. Me too. It's so weird that the quill would start with corrections. He said that would be a during a second pass, but I'm no author.

So Momo, did you leave on your own a quarter work? Did the people overthrow you? What happened with this this kingdom? Oh, I was run out. Oh. They wanted to see spring and summer again, and when I was there, it was winter the whole time. What, doesn't seem like your fault. You said when you arrived, it was snowing the ground. So that hardly seems like. Oh yeah, I did say that. Well, I kept the winter going.

Well, um, introduce us to your boyfriend. Oh, okay, I'll go get him, but I'll have to move real slow. I'll just, okay, I'll be right back. Okay, so nice to see Momo, but yeah, she looks real bad. Last time we had her on, didn't we say that there were some changes to her? Oh boy.

Yeah, yeah, she lost her mouse ears, that's right. I have fair faucet hair now. Oh, fair faucet hair. Fair. Okay, maybe that's why the waters attracted to her or the faucet hair. She carried a little needle that was a sword. Yeah, and now all our hairs turned white tell her for I guess All right, here he is I splashed some of him on the floor, but

Here he is Oh Arnie no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, what oh You just drank her boyfriend. Oh, this is your boy. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god Oh No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'll be calm here. This is, we can fix this. We can fix this. Arnie, I'm sorry, Arnie, I love you. You're my best friend. It is only fair to let Momo drink your boyfriend. Look, I don't have a boyfriend. And thank you everyone for rubbing at it.

If you did, I would tip him over and pour him out. How dare you, you know what? I'm gonna go fill this glass up with water to maybe it was the cup, not the water that I want. That's right. Is your boyfriend the cup or the water?'m going to see don't pick up the cut oh my gosh I'm sorry I'm trying to help I'm trying to help I'm sorry buddy I love you you're my best friend it's only fair to let Momo smash your boyfriend

great I'm gonna have to go get a boyfriend just a Momo can drink I'm sorry buddy, I love you, you're my best friend, it's only fair to let Momo smash your boyfriend. Great, I'm gonna have to go get a boyfriend, just so Momo can drink him in smash. Just look around for a little teapot short and stout and then let Momo tip him over, pour him out. Wait, is that a good t-shirt? Drinking smash my boyfriend? Chant, you are not who you once were. You missed it, but I was a badger head on top. Well, I've been a lot of things, I've been in San Castle, I've been a C.P.H.H.H.E. I've been a head on a stick. It doesn't matter

But I don't have change all of you. No, no, no, I'm on your side Not me. I'm not a dynamic at all. I'm almost exactly the same character as I was years ago Well, he has a sword through him, but that's how they do have a sword. Oh, yeah He too glass on the floor and water in your body. Wait, wait, how about this? I'll take a bowl. And before too long, I'll piss your boyfriend out into this bowl.

And you can have a pissball boyfriend. And people change, but he'll be essentially the same. I hate to say it, but fuck that's a great solution You're a really good friend. I like that you're trying to fix this. I'm trying. I am so first of all I'm so sorry. I don't want to minimize what I'm done and I'm very sorry If I can I'd like to try to make it better Okay, I'll sit here and wait for you to pee out my new boyfriend Okay, well perhaps you can even instead of putting him into a bowl Okay. Well, perhaps you can even instead of putting him into a bowl, find a glass in the pantry. There must be other glasses similar to the one that held your boyfriend originally.

Surely it wasn't just one of those. Have you ever been in love, Yusidor? Yes. If you have been, then you know that not every glass is the same. I like my glass. I like my water. I like my Toginco water. I like my water. I like my tall drink of water. I want my water back. You're right. There's famously no kitchen in this castle, but I will look around in the various cupboards around the house to see if there's any goblet or glasses to use.

What do you find? How do I phrase this? What do you look for in a glass? Well, Momo, as you know, is normally attracted to food. Bananas, corn on the cob, jerky sandwiches, that someone else made for you. I've missed some of these. What else? You guys have met some of my other relationships. Like people I've been in love with, who else?

Remember, who else has been in love with who else remember There is that tangerine covered in honey What else there's a meatball sub There was a tandoori chicken yeah tandoori chicken paella, but that guy what was his name Paulie Paulie paella? Another novel's done Dune by Frank. Let me read through this very quickly. Pretty good. Your Quill mis-spill done? I guess so.

That's embarrassing. I'll be honest. It's just okay. But it seems like you could rip it off and make it some other good stuff out of it. All right, try again. All right, go Quill. Sorry, Mama, what are you looking for? Well, I'd like them to be clear, because I don't like any surprises or secrets.

I like one summit, like what you see is what you get, you know who you're with. Transparent. I like them to be a little taller than me. Okay. You know, um... It's helpful that you're a mouse. Most things are at least a little taller than you. Yeah, that's true. It's nice.

There's not a lot of, like I tried dating a shot glass and it was like less about I liked him, but like he was pretty insecure about being a little bit shorter than me, you know. Ah, Momoa, I forgot to mention and this doesn't make things better at all, but at some point Arnie was a, was a mug. I was a T.Eiki mug for a while. So he should know above anyone else what it's like to be dropped in, man. Did you meet any fun glasses that you think I would get along

with, what you were a Tiki mug? You know, I got to say, when I was a Tiki mug, I didn't have a lot of friends that were other glasses or cups or mugs. Mostly what I remembered is I was really invested in being drunk. I wanted people to drink me. It felt like my purpose.

At the end of the day, we just want someone to drink us. Exactly, yeah. I get it, I get it. I'm gonna look for some glasses, I'll be right back. And you know what, we're gonna find you a great glass, Momo, but you're not shallow. We know you're not about the out. And you know what, we're gonna find you a great glass, Momo. But you're not shallow. We know you're not about the out. You're about what's inside the piss

that is eventually gonna go into that glass. That's true. Just bitters like a really hard dick, because like I was a queen for 80 years and the stress that comes with that. And then like... Seems like you were probably like maybe kind of like an evil queen too, which has got to be stressful.

Well, that's what they said. But I would say I was passionate. I was passionate about not letting people live. Okay. And not taking me off the throne. Why are you so invested in the winter? You know, Mama discovered that she is a winter. Like I look really good in the colors, so she is a winter.

And I was like, I don't like, look, I don't feel great in shorts. So like, but I like great in like a pico. I look bad in a pico. So I was like, well, why don't you just like play up to my strengths? And if a few people have to die because of that, then a few people have to die. Yeah, but it was like in this other magical world, you know, you get it. Oh, I get it. I mean, I am, I went from my world to a different magical world. Like this is my magical world, you know, you get it. Oh, I get it. I mean, I went from my world to a different magical world.

Like this is my magical world. Arnie, I've said it once, I'll say it a million times. You need to write a book. Okay, Momoy, I found something. It's not a glass, but it's a vase. I call it a Vincent vase, and he had a bit of an entourage, but I left them upstairs. Here you go. Oh, it seems like sort of a douche. Putourage, but I left them upstairs. Here you go.

It seems like sort of a douche. Put those eyes. I assume. Overrated. Next. All right, I'll be right back. You said, where are you? What's going on with you?

Oh, I'm here at this haunted hot springs, where I've been ever since the shattering occurred. I've been trying to figure out some way to overcome these crystalline prisons that have separated us all from one another. And only I, so far, of the three of us have been stuck in the same place the whole time. That reminds me, wasn't Chant someplace else? What the fuck happened? Chant, I- oh my- I didn't even notice Chant's here. Yeah, here I found a boot.

Here you go. Wait, were you guys talking about me? Chunt. Yeah. At some point, you showed up. I mean, I guess when I was looking out of one of the windows of Castle Skullmaster, I did notice there was a beach right next to it, so maybe you were closer than I thought. The good news is people don't really care about continuity.

So that's on your side. And that's the good news. And Momo's staying positive despite the day she's had. Oh, yeah. Your day has been like 80 years. Honey, maybe you need to drink a little more water so you can, you know, it's not that. I mean, it's not the amount of lipids. First of all, I don't want to accidentally dilute Momo's boyfriend.

You know what I mean? Like, right now, I've dilute Momo's boyfriend, you know what I mean? Like right now, I've got exactly Momo's boyfriend amount of water. You look like you're gonna water, aren't you? That's the only water you've had today. I know, you know, I got to drink more water. It's no question. Yeah, Arnie, to use your expression,

dilute not just the city in Minnesota. You have to really drink water to make sure. And like I said, Momo, I found this boot. Is that suffice? Mm. No. Would you drink beer out of that? What is it?

Why? Why? For what? And for what? I just couldn't find any other glasses. Arnie, should I go back to the beach? I mean, maybe are there some shells? Would you like a piss-filled shell or something?

I haven't aided a piss-filled shell since college. Piss-filled shell. I fell in love with you. Piss-filled shell. It's a fun little frog. I don't know who pissed in those shells, but thank God they did, because that was a fun to hear. I suppose I could use magic to put the glass back together.

Oh, would you do that you should do it? Please, please, please, please, please. Yes, I shall do it. Onnie, point the room to where the shots of glass are still laying on the ground, which I assume you haven't picked up. Uh, sure. Oh yeah, they're definitely still on the ground. Honestly, I've broken so many things in this castle this week, and they are all still exactly where they fell. Like, if you're not wearing shoes, stay away from this castle. Chut, stay away from that castle. Ah, I'm gonna go back to the beach.

I'll see you guys. That's what people love when you're house sitting, is when you leave a mess. Oh yeah, absolutely. Okay, so I will point the room, oh wait, sorry, I'm getting a call from the room. Someone's calling. Oh yeah, baby, hey, it's me. Oh hey, hey, I'm back on the room, someone's calling. Oh yeah, baby, hey, it's me!

Oh hey, hey, I'm back on the room! Hey, hey, John, how you doing, bud? Good. That was close. That took no time at all. Well, I ran. Why, why? All right.

Well, I don't understand why you wouldn't just stay there, and you could be friends and be in the same space. Sharing your space, staying as close as possible, breathing in each other's air. What a fun time that would be. Usador is so codicous. Absin makes a heart grow fonder. Oh, that is true. Oh no, it looks like she's reading your book.

That's your new book? What's it about? It's a collection of poems that my Quill wrote. Read one. Sadness abounds when love leaves your life. All you wanted was to make her your wife. Read it faster. But now she is gone, dead forever and ever more. And you shall hear, never settle the score.

With the one who took your wife away and killed her and threw her so far away. Holy crap, does someone have an acoustic guitar because I think we have a hit on her hands? Mom was gonna find a little thing to make a little mouse-sized guitar, I'll be back. Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit, hit. See, I thought that was a ghost all week.

Those sound like ghosts sounds to me. You think those sound like ghosts sounds? A little bit, right? I think it sounds like Mario jumping. Who's Mario? Oh, my friend, he's a local plumber. Yeah, it makes a lot of noise when he jumps around. Yeah.

You ever saw Mario back in Hunchspace? I guess not. Is that the guy with the green hat? No. No. That's his brother, you idiot. What's his brother's name? It doesn't matter. Lude EG, he's always so you idiot. What's his brother's name? It doesn't matter

Lud EG. He's always so fucking all these dirty jokes. Well speaking of dirty jokes Let's take a quick break. I'm gonna jerk off some fruit and we'll be right back with more Maddie Debbie Oh See yeah that one no no the one before that the one before that See now you sound like a mouse but before oh a ghost Okay, oh mama found Materials for a guitar. Okay, who wants to hear Wagon Wheel?

Uh, yeah I do. Okay. Wagon Wheel's existing food. This type of thing exists in food. There's Wagon Wheel's in the Wagon Wheel's. And boys sing this at parties. Boys sing this at parties. Wow, that's beautiful. Wow, what was the last party you've been to?

That's a little hurtful. Are you implying that Momo doesn't go to a lot of parties? Because you would be correct. Oh, no, no, I thought I assume you've been to a party recently. I just wanted to hear some fun party stories. Well, that's very sweet. Momo, a lot of the times, Momo will go to a party and I'll have a great time when I am there.

And then later, some Momo will go, hey, why are you on my party? And I'll go, oh my god, I'm the smallest kind of animal, huh? I usually end up in the corner like drinking sort of with the insects and we're just sort of like standing around chatting about work and then we head out. Because people can't really see us. It is not safe for us to swim with everybody else swimming in a party, drown for easy. Yeah, it must be hard being so small and easy to miss.

I mean, people have told me numerous times that like you're in a lot more episodes than I realize. Like, I think there are a lot of episodes that you're in that we just don't realize you're there. Huh, yeah. You guys, I mean, like probably, I want to say, and I feel like I'm lowballing here. 95% of your episodes, but I'm also there.

Really? Yeah, I'm always there. I'm just like sitting and listening. I think if you turn the volume way, way up, you'll probably hear you being like, hey, I'm here. Why is nobody acknowledging these great lines? Exactly, I'm just like, you guys are like talking to Flower,

and I'm just like also there, and I'm sitting and nodding, and being like, I wonder when they're gonna talk to me, and they never, and they don't. And it's gotta be especially difficult in those episodes, because you're about Flower size. Yeah, it's a little bit, but I mean, her presence is just larger than life for sure. Yeah, big presence. Also, it's pubes. And I would say, you know, if we a little bit, but I mean, her presence is just larger than life for sure. Yeah, big presence.

Also, it's pubes. And I would say, you know, if we threw a party, I think we would see that the biggest presence would be from her. Flowers are very generous, give a, that comes bringing presence to a party. Well, can we throw you, um, I'm not kidding around, I'm not playing around. Can we throw you a mouse party? What? We'll throw a mouse party. Do you mean that?

Yeah. With like a normal size pool? Cause like a pool to use a pool but tomorrow it's an ocean. So when you say a normal size pool you mean normal for you? Normal for me. Well I'm not calling it. It's normal for me so it's normal. I think you could probably arrange that.

That does seem so hard. Yeah we can figure that out. And a little mouse cake. It's just cheese. Well wouldn't that just be cake for you? Oh. I'm glad you clarified. I'm glad you clarified. I was worried that you wanted a cake made of mice.

No. Yeah, and I'm confused because you said normal sized pool, which is normal for you, but then you said a mouse cake instead of just saying cake, which is cheese. You got there, didn't you? Yeah. And would it be like little mouse games and little mouse party favors and balloons? Yeah, it's whatever you want.

So I do have a question about the balloons. Are they little mouse balloons? Because that's the only one that you did in preface with little mouse. Yeah, they're mice that have been turned into balloons. That's actually how a lot of mice choose to donate their bodies to when they die. I don't know if you know that. Fill them up with the air and for children's birthday parties,

you sort of like walk around with like your dead mouse grandmother. Oh gosh, but what a festive way to go. I remember one of the one time you talked about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. You were telling me about that? Oh yeah, it's my favorite parade. Being in like a mouse village, it looks like that, but it's those balloons, but it's dead loved ones. It's not more bitter, weird.

It's normal. Chon, it's a normal time. If a mouse cake is cheese, and I want to serve cheese at a mouse party, what do I call it? Cake. Well you call it cheese, but it's a tiny piece of cake. What do I call it? Cake. Well, you call it cheese, but it's a tiny piece of cake. What do you call cheese?

Cake. What do you call cheesecake? Cake cake cake? Ow. Ow. My brain. Ow. Ow.

Ow. What do you call moose for mice? Moose. Moise? Moise? Forget it. Moise. We want your moose to be moist. Moist? Forget it. Ouch. We want your most to be moist. You're hurting Momos brain.

Can you describe for us, Momo, and I don't know if this is also gonna hurt your brain? But can you describe to us a typical day in the 80 years you spent inside that wardrobe? Oh my God. That's really thoughtful for you to ask. I plan on writing a book about it. Oh, it's like you, T Sodor and Arnie, I think.

You two should be. That reminds me, Mom, I've always been me to tell you you should not write a book. I totally get it. Do you think you would be crushed under the weight of it? I won't, because I'm strong. I got human strength. Oh, that's true. You just don't want to read it.

As a human, you can lift a book, right? You can lift a book, right, Arnie? Oh, me? Never tried. It shows. Momo, I'm very excited about this mouse party, but I still want to hear you answer trans-question. What was a normal day like? Okay, so I'd wake up. I would juice some fruit. Oh, nice. Do my stretches, head shoulders, knees and, head shoulders needs and toes, I ears, mouth, head shoulders needs and toes. And then I would get the day started.

I would sit on a huge throne. I would say a human size throne. That was covered in... It was a toilet, but it was beautiful. Very or neat. And I would sit on it and sometimes I would fall in. But I would scary back up and The whole day. I'm sorry. I have to ask would you sit on the back the side of the front because you're clearly not sitting in the middle

It's a very personal question and do you do you folder do you wrap around your hand my goddesses? I wrap it around my entire body, but yeah, I would sit on the throne just just wrapped in toilet paper and body. But yeah, I would sit on the throne just wrapped in toilet paper and all the villagers would come up like one at a time and they'd be like, cream mo mo, cream mo mo, I love your coat, like you look so good at winter colors. Also, also, we are starving. There's no food, it's winter where you help us. And then I would, with my, like, I had this, like, thing, it was like a stick, what is it called? A scepter? A scepter, thank you, with my scepter.

I would go, wait, hold on, I'm sorry, sorry, I didn't interrupt for a second, Momo. How long were you, were you a queen, like, 80 years? About 80 years. And you didn't remember what the stick thing was called? You know what, they told me day one, and then no one ever said it again. So I went 80 years in my head without hearing that one.

And you're probably like, oh this is embarrassing. I forgot what this is called. It's way too late to ask. I'm trying to seem like I have some authority. And so with my scepter, thank you, you used to do it. I pointed, I would go to the dungeon. And I'd go, no, I have a family. And I was drunk on power.

And I would just say to the dungeons. And then I would sit in the toilet and just sort of the dungeons. And then I would sit in the toilet and just sort of splash out. And then, I would- This is like a mouse size pool. And then I'd have some cake and then cheese and then some moist and then I would call it a night. Wow, I think I'm piecing it together.

Was your boyfriend that Arnie drank? Was that the toilet water? Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes. No, I wouldn't date toilet water. I've been there. I would say a lot of my exes felt like dating toilet water. And that's the truth.

My quilt is just finished another novel. Oh, read it to us, you store, please. The Queen's Stick by George Martin. I'm not gonna read this. He's probably not gonna finish it. I doubt that quilt finished it. Yeah, there's a half gonna finish it. I doubt that Quill finished it. Yeah, there's a, there's a, like half a book there. Use the door. Stop writing a rottica.

Now I have a follow-up question, a Momo about this mouse party. Mm-hmm. Can there be any person-sized food? I would love to have some cake as well, but I'm afraid of mouse-sized. I would eat all the portions for you. No, you know, I'm, I'm a very generous person and I want other people to have fun at my parties unless I'm a queen in a different land. But Momo here, very nice, very normal, not scary. So when

you say you're a very generous person, do you mean a very generous person? No, I'm a to me, chat. Do mice call themselves people? Oh, I had to take... Yeah, sometimes I call myself a person. Just sort of like it as a joke. Oh, got you, got you, Ow! I had to take it! Uhhh! Ah! Ah! Yeah, sometimes I call myself a person. Just sort of like it as a joke. Oh, gotcha gotcha gotcha. Momo, can I ask, how did you meet? This formerly tall drink of water.

Well, as you know, Skull Master. Every night before he goes to bed, he's like trying to be better and trying to stay hydrated and so he'll put a glass of water next to his bed, but then he won't drink it. And then the next day he goes like, this water's been sitting out, you know. And then he'll get another glass of water the next day. And like any teenager's room, all the cups just like add up and add up and add up. And so I went in there and I like hopped up on the bed and I saw him just among all these glass of water. And I was like, that is the one. That is a tall drink of water. Wow. So every night's

qualm master is like good night Wesley, I'm most likely drink you in the morning but then he does. Never does. Never does. A bunch of glasses of water left around the house undrink. Sounds like a good way to kill an alien. Well, that's definitely a sign that you can kill an alien. Yeah. And just swing away. Oh, swing away, yes. And Arnie, alien is what you call someone who, how do I say this? Is someone from the sky, we call them an alien?

Like if they've fallen out of a tree. Oh, like a squirrel. Yeah, but they fall out, or do they get down from the tree? That's what you have to figure out. If they run down the trunk, they're a squirrel. They fall from a branch there in alien. Right. Because they fucked up being a squirrel.

Lots of baby birds are aliens. I love birds. Usador, you should write a story about birds with your meds. Oh, alright. Yeah. There you go. Let's see what I think of in a few minutes. I tried a story about birds with your best. Oh, all right. Yeah, there you go. Let's see what I think of it in a few minutes.

A Starling is born. Do you see the title? Oh, a Starling is born, that's it. This is the fourth version of this book I've written. Very. I bet this version is better than you would guess. But still not that great. To each his own.

Is it a little too sad? It's a little too sad at the end, yes. I totally get it. Arnie, how's my boyfriend? It's a little too sad at the end, yes. I totally get it. Arnie, how's my boyfriend? I feel like I've got a bashful boyfriend bladder. Like, I feel like normally I would have no problem like pissing this boyfriend out like a stallion, but everybody is looking at me

and I just can't make it happen. Can I make a generalization about human men really quick? Mm-hmm. Why do human men want their pee to sound so loud? Hmm. Is that something that they want? I could tell it's true because they're all reacted like it was true. Well, here's what I'll say. As a shape shifter, having been many different animals,

you know, one time I was a work hog, and you know, I went to a local watering hole and there's other There's predators around there's lions and puma and jaguars on my oh my and what I want to do is I want to make my peace on as loud as possible So I sound bigger and predators view me as a threat so the louder my pee is the more Respect and dominance I I receive as you know my ex-boyfriend is toilet water and he's the one who told me about this. Oh, she's got a lot of people be on him. What about you Arnie? Well you know I went my pee to be loud so that it's sort of like what John said but it's more like to cover up the sound of me sighing.

You know what I mean? It's someone who's like a, I'd rather hear just like a lot of like a strong, urination sound. You said, do you have a quiet kind of pee, or is it like a bunch of horses? I don't say this often, but that should be a title of something. My urine comes out in a rainbow. And every color of the rainbow goes in a different direction,

and returns to some other part of the universe where they help Reignite the magics of the universe. What you said or is this why you're always saying taste the rainbow? That's right Shittles look As I have said in numerous episodes now for some reason If people are gonna eat shit, that's their business go for it So I said this to you once I'll say this to you a thousand times you should write a one panel comic about my family. About anything I don't know I just don't think of you have a full book in you. It is true you keep saying you should write a one panel comic and then stop that one panel and then nothing ever again. I just want to see where

Billy's going. What were we talking about before? I was asking about lab P. What weren't we talking about? Oh my boyfriend. Oh wait, there's probably, there's like gonna be some tricks on like how to get yourself to P. We could scare you. Oh, we could play hide and seek.

You know when you like right when you start playing hide and seek you have to pee right away. You could look up at the light. Oh, we could put your hand in warm water? Wait, that's easy. Warm water, that's pee. We could put your underwear in the fridge, what else? I don't want to bring this up,

because I don't want this. This is a small problem. I kind of have to poop. And so I'm just trying to figure out how to negotiate this problem. Momo is going to stand outside and cool off for a second. Because she's at a rage. Excuse me.

Alright. No, MoMo's outside. She's very angry and we have to come up with a solution. Oh shit, she just punched down that tree. Damn, that's a hard thing for someone with human strength to do. No, I'm going to suggest I don't know exactly how we do this, but some sort of bisected toilet for Ahnid on one for fronts ones for backs one part goes into one section to one thing goes in the other section Does is are you guys trucking with this? This is exactly I

Am I'm sorry. I know we're being deathly try to solve this fucking problem. I look I think I understand what you're saying. So we should concoct some sort of toilet seat where there's a hole in the back, a hole in the front. And then in the middle, there's a little cup for your testicles and then a little hole for you to feed your penis through. That sounds about right. That sounds about right.

I mean, look, the testicle cup is a luxury. I'd love to have it, but we don't need that for the solution for this. We just need to be able to separate out the pee and the poop, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry to have to subject the pot yours to this, you know, usually I'm all class, but I'm trying to figure out how to do this.

I don't wanna get any poop in her boyfriend. Oh, Arnie, didn't you, one time you got drunk and you kept screaming, can't poop without peeing, is that true? That was my high school call to my yearbook. We also have to consider, is this a Reese's situation? Could we maybe have stumbled on the perfect combination? Do you think it would be upsetting if I asked Mama if she'd want a little bit of poop in

her boyfriend? Yeah, that was a terrible idea, I take it all back. Maybe she was upset about something unrelated. I am back. I'm sorry about that. I was upset about something unrelated. And I was also upset about the current situation. Momo has a statement she would like to read.

I made paper out of the tree I punched down. I know this. All right. You made paper out of the tree. Don't you know where paper comes from? I'm sorry. OK. Read a book. Arnie, lift one up. nobody tell her that's just bark. Well, I'm sorry Do you I don't have the chemicals to make full paper right now? It's pretty good. It's pretty good last minute paper

It's just sort of handmade You're welcome. Absolutely Gentlemen of this room and the two who aren't here and one that is close by on a beach. I have decided that due to this... Listen up Woody, you're included in this. Do to the situation that we are currently in. I have decided to let my tall drink of water go. It has also occurred to me that Arnie could be sweating out my boyfriend as we speak because he is a very sweaty person.

I am, that's true. I would say too sweaty, but what do I know? I mean, I'm a human-year mouse, you don't really know, but I get it. Momo would like to request saying goodbye if you could put Momo in your armpit for just one minute. She would like to pay her respects. Can you play the bagpipes, use it or? Yes, of course. All right, shut me in your armpit.

All right. I'm not sure how long this should go on. Or I also just want to be very careful about the amount of pressure. Momo, I don't want to interrupt. I know you're having a moment, but are you all right in there? Can you mind your business 0.2 seconds? Try it. Try it. Remember the first half of the whole thing.

Remember? And then I got his try. I can't give a little set. Ah, this dickles so much. Hey, I wish that we could have had a family of little boys. Little mouse boy? You were little boys, however, inside of me. We've been wearing the same pink collar for many, many years. Thank you, Ria Love.

Thank you, Santa Claus. There's a chance she keeps licking my skin lotion. Thank you, Rhea Love. It was very poison. She just keeps licking my skin while she's... Thank God is it. Thank you for your love in a closed closet. And thank you for the goddesses and time for one last kiss. I think she's done, right? And one last kiss.

Oh, well... I'm ready to get out now. Okay. Okay. Mama. You straightened my hair with the amount of pressure. You put on your armpit. Looks good, and I squeezed your head so hard that like new mouseres popped out. Kind of cool.

Yeah. Sorry, guys. But you smell bad now. You smell so bad now. Yeah, can you throw me in any liquid that isn't? I, the toilet water, it smells better than this. Momo, be a very sorry for your loss. And it's, it's not okay.

It's okay to, it's okay to not be okay right now. And I want you to know that from now on, any time you want to speak up during an episode, we will pay attention. It feels like the only time Momo talks in an episode is when Momo has drama. Momo has a lot, I have a very peaceful life, stay in kind of days, pretty boring existence. And then you only talk to me when I have big updates, it's very strange. That's right, we didn't talk to you for the whole 80 years that you were ruling a other magical land

with an iron fist. Yeah, well time was different there. Time was different there. I did some terrible thing. Oh, a chunt. Yeah? I'm sorry, I said you shouldn't write a book. I'm sure a lot of people would read it.

Oh, thank you. I don't have the energy or creativity to write a book, but a panel sounds good. Trump, what would be your panel? It would probably be, let's see, it would probably be a cow in the middle of a road, stopping a cart, and then there's another cow sneaking around back to like take the stuff off the back of the cart. Like on the far side of the cart, there's another cow, maybe like a hen, probably cows and hens, mostly. What else that that's a great part. You don't have to have a wagon wheel on the car. Oh, yeah, there's four wagon wheels Still my guitar any request wagon wheel four times okay, but and it went something like

And I'll remember how it went It would have went something like, um, and I'll remember how it went. And it would have been something like, uh, make me just finished another book. What is it to kill a mocking bird? This is the despicable book to kill a bird is a terrible sin. I love birds. I shan't read it. Oh, it's a terrible book. Yeah, do do it with it.

Um, mummo, how about you write an original song right now about your piss boyfriend? OK. And it seemed to me you live your life like the piss inside of Army going through his body. Because he's turning you into piss. He's massing you on the ground. And he's gonna be you out

But he had to poop And that's the story of Arnie drinking him Arnie, this is a traditional funish song that's sang for Too many different dead people It's for any John Arnie, I'm not trying to like throw

Like throw you under the wagon wheel With this one Like you made a mistake You're still my friend at the end of the day. I love you very much and I'm sorry. Oh thank you Mom, I appreciate that and I hate to ruin this moment but I really, like I said before, I really do have to poop. So I'm gonna... You should use my throne toilet. That's in another world? I don't know how many magical worlds. It's like inception. What's that?

That's a really good question. Shine? Inception is see do you know what conception is? Yes, I know what conception is. Yep, so it's it's individual conception Ah, so it is combined in words kind of like you know, Momo said that she was queen and I have to assume that instead of calling you queen Momo, that some people just called you Cuomo. Yep. A hated ruler called Cuomo. What is that? What is that?

That's for the side of the poo. Do you, Arnie? Boo! Baa! Sorry, I was just reading Yusuf's book. Boo! Radly walked into the room. He was white as a sheet.

This is terrible. There's no birds in this. Oh, well then maybe it's alright. Wait, it says Atticus Finch. Atticus. Subtract a hug, what else? Man, I have to poop so bad. Why am I still here listening to all this? Arnie, just poop. Just go poop.

Okay, I'll help you. I'm gonna tickle you. No, wait, when did you cut it back in? You just walked in the door and I didn't notice. This is so weird. I'll go back to me. I'll go back to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why did you leave so fast? He didn't have to leave. Yeah, maybe you just want some space. He's up to something. My only one's still trapped here. She seems like you're making the best of it though you used to do her. It seems kind of relaxing. I like your fluffy robe.

Thank you. Yes. Oh, yes. I'm very relaxed. Not getting dressed for work now. They can sometimes be a bad thing. Maybe you should put on your wizard robe, so it really feels like you're like I'm doing normal things during this time. Yeah. Oh, sorry. We got a call. I don't know. Hello. Oh, yeah, baby. Back on the beach. Yeah Hello, oh yeah, baby back on the beach. Yeah Chunk hey oh Sh fuck I'm sorry. I was talking to you and walking towards the castle good. Let me just turn back around I don't know what is wrong with me. I just I just missed you so much. I am fuck I didn't even give you a hug or anything it's been so long. I'm sorry. I love you buddy And I would talk about this more but I like I've said repeatedly. I do have to poop so

Okay, I'll talk to you guys later. Momo, I'll probably be gone for a while So if I don't see you again, I it's so good to see you. It's okay. I'll be heading out Mom is going to find new adventures Okay, try not to turn evil again. It's okay. I'm gonna eat prey love and really rooming in all the damage I did for eight years. Momo, you should write a book. I'm not, that sounds exhausting. That sounds like, oh my god, it's writing and rewriting. And who would write the forward, you know, I don't know.

No, why don't you write a pamphlet? Yeah, that sounds really exhausting. Writing and rewriting. If you need a forward, I can write full words. All right, prove it. The dog died. Damn it. Oh yeah, that's four words.

The dog died, damn it. I don't know. Someone's calling in. Someone's calling in. Hello? Hey guys, are you coming from the shooter? Yeah, I am. I just felt like I feel like I'm missing something.

You know, Arnie, how one time you said, the saddest story in the world was, baby shoes for sale never used. Well, we have a sadder story. The dog died, dammit. It's the forward to Mubo's book. Oh. That's all you missed.

What are we missing? Mm-hmm. I just saw your boyfriend. Ooh, out my ears, your penis, so loud. Ow! Oh, tea! Have that. Should we do that?

Uh, it's actually... One more round of wagon wheel? Yeah, okay, fine. Is that your request? Is everyone here wagon wheel? They went a little something like this. Waggy. I dropped my ring in the toilet.

What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? You know, I was mentally prepared to hear about the whole shattering thing, but I don't think I could ever be prepared to listen to that much pings. Usador The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Ruffi. Momo The Mouse with Human Strength was played by special guest Aaron Keefe.

Check out the podcast she does with Adel, hey riddle riddle. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arneanie Camp, Matt Young, and Alil Rify, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf Producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode was edited by Tim Joyce, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, I've cleared out the control room while the transmission was playing, except for these boxes under the console.

Let's take a look what's in here for him. Oh my God, are these all baby shoes? It doesn't look like any of them have ever been worn. She is no wonder the price on these are in $8,700. What baby has that kind of money? $1,700! What baby has that kind of money? Oh, K-Tricia, I think you found your inspiration for your first piece of new Chicago theatre. Something about baby shoes, yes. That will get the critics on their feet. Oh, he's still got it, Trisha.

It's too bad no one was around to hear that. Here comes...