Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 56 - The DQ Way (w/ Tim Ryder)

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

We're trapped in a cell next to the familiar voice of the elf D’athaniel Quen’yarvin.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungD'athaniel Quen'yarvin: Tim RyderMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, where each week, oh, apologies audience, I'm finishing up the credits for a different podcast one second. Where each week, a celebrity guest recounts their favorite golden age of Hollywood-era murder of a self-satisfied person over-explaining an easily understood concept. And at the end, there's a recipe. This week, Michelle Thyipher walked us through the tale of Richard Whitmark being pummeled to death

with a bag of flour as he attempted to explain how reading is more enjoyable in autumn. And then she made sugar cookies. Due to a scheduling error, Michelle Thipher was played by Janine Garafalo. Richard Whitmark was voiced by Maurice Lamarche. All other characters voiced by Paul F. Tomkins, as required by law.

The dead-time Tinsel-Tan Murtakitchen is produced by Rachel Maddow, Haley Joe Osmond, and the entire writer's room of young Sheldon in their off-hours. Earwolf producer Scarlett Lucas. Shadawee twin of Kimmy Lucas, fighting her time until she finds her way back to the Mirror Universe. TTTMK logo by Flamingo LeBombong. TTTMK logo by Flamingo La Bombong. TTTMK theme by Andalusia Belgium. As we say after every show, between Hollywood murder, an upside down cake,

you might just find your just desserts. Well, I am sorry you had to hear that. Let's just say certain framing device wages do not pay the bills. Let's see what's going on here. Yes, our heroes have circumvented the shattering, but find themselves trapped in a dungeon in Castle, Boner King, or something like that. Let's get into it, shall we? Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from Castle Skull Master.

A weekly podcast on the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Five plus years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I used that to upload a podcast chronically our quest to defeat the dark lord

but you know there have been some setbacks and distractions I am currently house sitting at castle skullmaster the fortress of villain who I have not met complicating that further last week we kind of got tricked into being locked into a cell in the dungeon. But good news, we don't have to record via room this week and I'm here with my buddies. And frankly, we haven't been able to get very far apart from each other at all for the last week. I am joined as always every moment of every day. But I'm a good bud. Shut the talking badger.

Oh yeah, baby! I don't get some water. Oh shit. I've been sitting next to this jug of water. I think that's for every... I think that's for every... To be dispersed. That's for everybody.

Not just me. Yeah, and you took a bath and it... You fucker. I'm so sorry, gosh, I drank so much of this Bathwater, please. I drank like a hundred Momo boyfriends Bathwater please. Okay, here you go. I'm so sorry bud Ah, yeah, baby. I'm back. Ooh smooth like butter. That's one of the things I love about you, but you hydrate so fast. That's one of my quirks.

Arnie, it's so weird to be hanging from the ceiling. Yeah. Oh, what a feeling. Hanging from the ceiling. Yeah, for listeners, Shunt is shackled to the top of our cell. You're kind of hanging upside down, but the good news is it makes your mouth

kind of close and the microphone still. Yeah, I'm right here. Test, test, test, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13. I mean, I gotta try this out and hopefully it doesn't make you nauseous. Just what happens if I, if I give you a push? Whoa. Oh. Oh, yeah.

Baby. Baby. That's good day. Oh, oh yeah, baby. That's good day. Oh, my arm's in legs or nothing. And we're also joined as always by Yusudor, but you know, we've been in here for a while and yesterday he said he's gonna go into a meditative state and he's either still in that or he's dead, but he occasionally mumbles things. So I think he's all right.

Yeah, he's either in the wizard state, which is great, because he hasn't been in that in a while and it helps him concentrate, or he's in a coma. Mm-hmm, yeah. Wizard in a coma, I know, I know it's serious. You should use it or use it or buddy. We're doing the podcast, the podcast. It's a. You should use it or use it or buddy. We're doing the podcast. The podcast.

Eta Bats Don. Oh, God. What? Why would we eat that? It's a safety dance. What kind of dance? Yeah, Tiro Turochon. OK, say a number.

Fried Okra. That's not a number. Non-sequiter? Totha, you sup people going to die. Oh, don't, don't, don't, don't. Boy, I think he's trying to figure out a way to get us out of here. The toner. You can't, I mean, you can't hold a wizard captain, right?

I mean, that's just not a thing. So as soon as he wakes up, we'll be out of here. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no habit of being trapped in prisons for upwards of two years at a time. Yeah, we'll be fine. We'll be fine. And honestly, Arnie, if we're going to still do the podcast, which it seems like we are, is very nice of Wicked or to leave our equipment with us. If we're going to still do the podcast, honestly, I think it's better that usenores out of this episode because I mean, we're the energy boys.

That is true. You said true. You said it brings no energy to the podcast and you and I are just so energetic like a few it must must be powerful. Oh yeah. Just energy we bring. Just energy boys. Energy boys. Energy boys. Energy boys. Energy't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. the circumstances right four and a half is good yeah already didn't you say on earth the most famous sale is starring Vincent Thanaprio oh yes and Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Lopez and how many people on earth are named Vince two vincs two vincs for the price of one that movie Vince you've been gone Roger Ebert liked it did you know what anything that had signs fiction in breast?

He was a big fan of. Huh. People are loving. I give that guy two thumbs up. So John, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a little, okay, I have some concerns and they are twofold. One, okay.

We've been here a week. We should be trying to figure out a way to get out of here. Okay, that's one fold. Okay, the second fold is, like, is this just gonna be like me and you? That was so, like, is it just gonna be like a deep delve, like just the two of us, just like, hash and our shit out.

Ooh, yeah, that's like, make good podcasting as for us to work through some shit together. Mm-hmm. Well, also, I mean, based on what you said, typically dungeons have dragons, right? So maybe we can find a dragon? Yeah, or we could just record use it for an hour and just hear what weird shit he's saying. Oh, chicken.

So yeah, you know, there's already such a high word count from use the door in every episode. See, well, maybe we just do a call on the response. Like, listen to this. Yusur, you see, I say tomato, you say... Ferturanga tango. I say potato, you say... Frontine rotary tilo. Tomato.

Arangatang. Potato. Frontine rotary tilo. Let's call this a little thing off of that. It's so strange. It almost sounds like he recorded all of that at a different time. Well, when you're in the wizard state

from what I hear from Usador, you're spanning time and space. Mm-hmm. Oh, can we get canned on the episode? I'm just, sorry, I'm joking. I'm joking. No, maybe, you know, I think this has been reminding me

that I really need to get like an understudy for Usador. I need to get like an understudy for Yusudor. I need to get like a fallback wizard in case Yusudor accomplishes his purpose and just like flashes out of existence. Oh, when we said fallback wizard, Yusudor crossed his arms over his chest and fell backwards. I think you thought we were gonna catch him.

That looked like it hurt. Oh man. I think we just leave him there. Well, maybe, let's look, I mean, how long have we been here a week? We've been here exactly a week. We've been here exactly one between podcast time, which is the natural unit of measurement I use

between podcast time. Well, I will say I'm self-aware enough to know that we are tremendously self-absorbed. So maybe if we just look around the dungeon, we might find some other prisoners or maybe there's like some bugs where there are other cells and there are other people. We've been so engaged with what is happening in this cell this whole time. Oh my gosh, you're proposing? I can't congratulate you.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. We're so engaged. Oh my gosh. Oh, I can't wait to tell everyone. We're so engaged. Okay. It's about time. Proposing I congratulate oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no my words when you push me. Yeah, that's a, huh? Is it just something you do? Yeah, I guess so. Let's see, let's look around the dungeon here. Okay. Skeleton, skeleton, skeleton. Oh, fush, fush, fush, excuse me, whoever you are.

We're trying to look around for podcast guests. So if you could please butt out. Greetings from the forest. And greetings from the cell next to you. Oh my gosh, it's the top of the head. Oh. Arr, who's that top of the head? That voice is very familiar.

Greetings, human. Greetings, shunt. Greetings, Vianne Gallic. He's not responding. Is it spintax? Can? This is perhaps even more insulting than the past week of you ignoring me.

Oh shit, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, look. Look at the door to a cell. You can see that someone's been kicking the shit out of it. Powerful kicks, powerful kicks. Dothanio Quinn-Yarvan. Yes, Tisai. Your Elven friend. And I say that to you, Chant.

Oh, shit. I was only- I was so- Thank you, buddy. I can say to your friend too. Thank you so much. I was so excited when you said friend. Tis good to see you again, Chant, and human. Hello.

That's hard. I'm surprised you didn't say it's Hume. I would never. No, I'm sorry to talk to Arnie. When he said Hume and I thought you'd shorten it to Hume. Hume? Yeah, I don't know. Hume?

Hume? Anyway. Dear Lord, it has been like this for a week. You're insisting, chattering amongst yourselves, never looking outside the very narrow area of your own cell. I have been literally right here the entire time. Oh, I feel so bad. Wow. And oh, shit, Arnie, that water's for everyone. Have you given Nathaniel some water? Wait a second, this water is for everyone in the entire dungeon? I have to imagine.

It is a collective water jug. And you have really been hoarding it. I so I'm sorry, Daph, would you like, is there a way? I guess I can try to slide some of this over to you. Could you go back in time and not take a bath with it? Yeah, that was the worst part. And that the fact that you didn't just like pour it over yourself, but the fact that you plunged

each part of your body into the jug, rough stuff, buddy. I don't know that I can go back in time. And honestly, like I kind of believe more in sort of like the boot strap paradox theory of time travel. So if I go back in time, I'm just gonna make myself take a bath in it. You believe the time travel should pull itself up from humble beginnings?

Mm-hmm. It's like the... That's so... That's so... That's so loud. I gotta go back in time and learn how to say her. Oh, racial alters? The person who those flowers were for?

Mm-hmm. Huh. The worst part for me was when you took a mouthful of water and said, look, I'm a fountain. Which was difficult to make out with your mouthful of water and yet somehow you managed. And then you spat it out, posed like you were a little statue. It was infuriating. I've been working on my impressions.

See, I thought you said, hook, dime, I'm a mountain. That makes no sense though. That's something I said the next day. You said, or what did you think you said? Look, my, I'm a counten. That just is not sense-a-go. So, damn! It's, you know, the circumstances could be a lot better,

but it's nice to see you, or at least sort of see your shape through the cells. Yes. These cells can barely contain an elf of my stature. I am contorted and crunched into shapes that I have not been in for some time. Oh, damn. Um, I'm sorry, buddy. And I still really don't like the nickname, Daph.

Oh! I was really thinking it was gonna catch on. Don't call him death, you punk. It's been a few years really hasn't improved during that time. Did Daniel aren't L's able to like sustain themselves for like eight months on a little piece of bread or something? Yes, we don't need to eat often often which is good news for I Have heard tell that the kitchen in this castle has been unfortunately whisked away Bybirds yeah food is not a real possibility in the near future

But we have water One of us has water. I know, I'm good, no thank you. How long can elves go without water? Not as long as they can go without food. It's this 888 rule, have you ever heard of that? Ooh, jackpot! Eight months without food. Okay.

Wait, is that 888? I should know this so I don't starve. You gotta keep track of how long you can go without food. Oh look Arning, he's taking out a little notebook and it leads. It's weeks. It's elves can survive 8 weeks without food, 8 days without water, 8 minutes without air. And 8 seconds without hating their dad? Correct. All that reminds me, uh, DeFant, DeFant, DeFant, DeFant, DeFant, DeFant, DeFant, DeFant,

DeFant, you know, last time we saw you, and honestly, this might have been years ago, you were setting off to find your father. Yes. I set out for the Westlands with my half-sister and potential love interest for Killed. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for saying potential. We can get into that in a bit if we choose to find our father. And I have news in that area.

Yeah, tell us how we found him. Wow, my congratulations. Oh, thank you. I will accept that congratulations for I did accomplish my quest. I located him. Also, I've got to say thank you. Thank you for being maybe the first quest accomplished

in five years of the podcast. How dad are you? Oh yeah, take a stick and break me open because this is a cause for celebration. I spoke with him. He took one look at me and said, ah yes, Willow Arms, my starter child. Oh, that's tough. That's right, you have really weak arms. I forgot about the starter child, that's tough. That's right, you have really weak arms. If you're got about that starter child, that's brutal.

We were his first family before he left to go with his secret family and make the secret family, his main family, and his first family became not his family. So he called me his starter child and that hurt quite a bit. Yeah. Well, they say practice makes bastard. So true. Yeah, they've practice makes bastard. So true.

Yeah, they've been wondering why they say that. But now I know. I think. And to really twist the knife further, Borghill told me a fortune. You remember, she's a fortune teller. Oh, yeah. She gives fortunes, although not necessarily

ones that relate to you. Yeah, me. Although in this case, it did. She told me the fortune, you will experience complete utter rejection. Ooh. And I was rejected by my father and by my half-sister potential lover. And that's probably that one's probably the best. That's probably the best.

If you say so. Wow. Detangiel, that's hard to hear, but also it sounds like you're sort of set free from, you know, since you found your father, maybe this is a bit of closure? That is an excellent way of putting it my shape-shifting friend. I have been set free. For I did something in that moment that I did not know that I could.

I kicked backwards. Wow, donkey kick. All my life I have been kicking what is in front of me, but in that moment, I kicked behind me. And in so doing, moved a little bit away from the people who had rejected me. And I kept kicking. I kept kicking backwards until I traveled all the way back from the Westlands to Foon. And there I realized that only by kicking behind you can you realize where you've been. Wow, that's beautiful. It's wonderful to hear

that you're accepting kickbacks. That is, I think that's beneficial for you. So it's beneficial for everyone. Because with this new sense of freedom, I have taken this philosophy of kicking and I have of kicking and I have started a group of like-minded individuals who come together and relish in the power of kicking. It's called kickism. Its devotees are called kickists. I refer to it as a philosophy. Some have called it a religion, less generous among us would call it a cult. I reject that label for many reasons. I mean, I feel like most cults would reject that label. True, but we're not a cult. Jody, can I ask how long have you, so you founded KKism? I did, have you heard of it as word spread?

Well, we were on the road for a little bit. I don't know if you saw speaking of Tristan Knife, Arnie has a giant sword through his tummy. Yeah, I got him. City and sword. I guess stabbed. I wasn't going to ask because I don't care. But we've been on the road. We've obviously been through some tough times and some adventure. But we did. Arnie, if you remember we passed on the side of the road, we saw a group of about 20 women arm and arm who were kicking at the same time. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. They'd sort of a half kick and then full kick and then put their feet down and then half kick and full kick to the other side. And people were going nuts for it. Yeah, they were doing

it on all those rocks. Yeah, it was around the time of Christmas, and yeah, people were losing their shit about those rock kicks. It was very entertaining for three or four minutes. No question. This warms my heart, but human, the kicking rituals are not entertainment for you and your dumb eyes. They are centering

dumb eyes. They are centering techniques through which we experience the world, often accompanied by one of our several kikism sains. Oh, I would love to hear something. Yeah, I hear some of these kick-as-ums. Of course, a one popular kick-as-um is, you can only kick as high as your leg will allow, but tomorrow you may kick higher. And obedience to the master is not to be questioned. Mm. Oh, Arnie, Arnie, yeah.

Arnie, as he keeps saying these, I just found a fun little game. As he keeps saying these, after each one say, in bed, Okay. Oh, that's good. Great, I like that. Can we hear another kickism?

Of course. I'm always happy to spread the light of kickism to anyone who will listen. At the end of your arm is a hand, but at the end of your arm is a hand, but at the end of your leg is a foot and you can only kick with foot. It's not, I'm sorry, it's not done. I want to say that so many times already.

And at the end of your leg is a foot, it's no please, human please. And at the end of your leg is a foot and you can only kick with one. And all ladies are welcome but dudes have to be approved by the master. It works. And also, Nathaniel, Nathaniel, based on your situation, I do want you to know that Arnie and I were saying in bed, just so there's no offense taken. Thank you, thank you. Nathaniel, have you gotten many people to join your not-acult?

Apparently, based on your travels, I will be honest, it is slow going. At first, it is difficult to start a brand new system of belief that no one has heard of and one that requires physical activity as well. I'm sure that realized that human. That would be a deal breaker for me I got to say. So I tried to spread my message as best I could. You can't say it at the end of every sentence that I say, not every sentence is a kickism, even though as the master every word that comes out of my mouth is holy. So I suppose what I say is a kickism.

And what I'm learning about myself is I've got really bad instincts for when a sentence is over. Yeah, buddy, I'm glad you have that. Okay, anyway, that's a... This explains so much of your conversational style. So, Nathaniel, I'm so sorry to hear about that heartbreaking news, but again, I think it's for the best. So how did you get from, you know, founding, kickism, kicking backwards all the way to your new endeavor?

How did you get from that to in this dungeon? Ah, it is a sad tale. For you see, I must have tried to spread my message of hope, however I can. And one of the ways is by leaving messages. On trees, I have gotten over my hatred of the trees, but I will use them to spread the light of kickism. And so I kick messages using my metal spike

that I used to make furniture with. And I kick letters in the trees, but the problem is trunks are not very wide, so I have to go all the way around and down, and sometimes I have to start at the bottom and go up, so I really have to think about the message in reverse and go up and apparently that is vandalism in some parts of food, especially in quote unquote, protected forests and wildlife preserves. Arnie, what's the difference between a wildlife preserve and a wildlife jam?

Preserves are in jars and jams are in bands. Oh. In bed. It always works. That's fun. That is, I see the appeal. A fun new game from the energy boys. Energy boys.

Energy boys. Nice. So you kicked some trees on Strong Guy Island, and were you arrested? Was it, were you shot down? What happened? I was taken into custody, despite the protests of my few but

fervent followers who are waiting anxiously for word that I am okay and I continue to lead and encourage even from inside this cell. Oh who are your followers? Yeah and how are you communicating to them? They're ladies, mostly, and I've been by choice, and I have been kicking the door. You mentioned that you noticed that it had really just been kicked the shit out of, and they hear the reverberations it out of and they hear the reverberations of my kicks and it is like a code to them. It's not a code that they have the key for. We didn't work that out in advance. So it's not like I can send letters or words, but they hear the pounding and they know that it's me. They're like, he's trying to say something.

Oh, did you hear that? You should've forgotten one in. Nice one, UC. So, so, so, the fan, the family, or what? Your efforts are futile, but almost encouraged.

If you, so I guess I understand how you're sort of communicating with your followers, how are they communicating with you? Like how do you even know that they are hearing what you're sending out there at all? Oh, wow. Oh boy.

That's, oh, I guess I don't. Have any... You don't have any assurance. Relic or anything on your kicks. Arnie, what are you doing? He was clicking to that. What if I'm just kicking for no one? Oh, that, I mean, that sounds like a great title of the solo show. What if no one's out there? What if... My followers could have completely abandoned me?

No, no, no, no. Oh, once again, human a few minutes of conversing with you and I am deeply spiraling. And Arnie? No, no, Arnie knows about the time. Not now, human, please. Arnie, he just lost his dad and his potential sister-slash lover, and now you do this to him?

You gotta make this right. You gotta be fair. He didn't lose them. They just discarded him. Arnie, and it's a definite sister potential lover. Definitely. Oh, definitely. Good, good, good.

Potential lover. Half lover. Arnie, you have to make this right. Right after this break. Oh, pretty good, huh? In best. Still got it. Wee!

All right, we're back. I mean, we can't really, I mean, back, we didn't go anywhere, we can't really go anywhere. Even just being here a week has been... How long... Energy, energy boys. Defend, how long have you been here? I have been here for seven weeks.

So we are coming up actually dangerously close on the eight-week mark. And I still haven't gotten any of that water since you've arrived. So we're coming up dangerously close on that eight-day mark. I have been breathing, so that's okay for now. but we are just all around getting dangerously close to a couple pretty big things so I don't know if if you could share that water at all if there's any left. I thought I'd try to slide it as hard to get it to fit through. The jug is not well-sized for the space between bars. Do they, do they, do they, do you want me to like,

I could try to just sort of like, throw the water. Do you need to, do you need to try my name multiple times, each time you address me? Have you not gotten your thick human tongue around it enough to just try one and go with it, have you not the confidence to even make a mistake bravely. It's just such, you know, the elves, it's such a beautiful language and I feel bad about butchering it and mispronouncing it and I get like halfway through one pronunciation.

I end the back of my head and I'm like, nope, start over. What's the front of your head doing? Nothing, just a blank, just a vacation. It's not giving me water, that's for sure. Oh, yeah. Can you hit it to me, and then maybe I'll hold it and swing over top of him and dump it down? Oh, yeah, it does look like up there.

There's a little, the bars are a little wider up towards the ceiling. Here's a lot of, okay. I'm gonna, okay, there's a little, the bars are a little wider up towards the ceiling. Yeah, here's a lot of, okay. I'm gonna, yeah, okay, it's kind of heavy. All right, now give me a push. All right, here we go. All right, just a little, there you go, a look. And here's the second little, all right.

And you just tell me when? Okay, here we go. That's good, that's good. Okay, all right. Oh, gotta hear what is that? Too much and it tastes like human bath water. That would be dimming, that's what it is. I've had worse water, surprisingly.

Thank you. My thirst is somewhat quenched. I can move on now and continue for another eight days. Oh, you're welcome. Start the clock. Crazy thoughts. Um, aren't you since I'm holding this water, should I dump it all over the annual and that will make him slippery and he'll be able to get out of his cage? Oh, maybe at the very least it'll be sexy as hell. Yeah, he's wearing that white tunic. Stop it, you too.

sexy as hell. Yeah, he's wearing that white tunic. Stop it, you too. You know, I've got to ask DQ, you've always been a kind of adventurous type. I'm surprised you haven't tried to escape. You've been here for almost eight weeks. Yes. And yes, I have been. You've seen the door. Yes, it has been rained upon by thousands of my powerful kicks and yet it remains standing. There is nothing more I would love to do than to come out of this cage and be feeling just fine, and yet I am stuck here. I can try again. Let me kick let me just give this one a kick right now. Here we are Nothing, yeah already you try kicking you kick the cage Arnie. You're a big guy. Just doesn't seem like

I mean what's the hell are enough? Do I mean I'll try? Wait it worked yeah, thank you, I'll be right. Let me look I Fuck me look, I got our cage open. How did that is while that? Crazy. Oh, you hate the hell do you want me to walk you through my technique? Do you think oh? This is rich in bed I Oh, this is rich in bed. I must have loosened your door by kicking mine. But to be fair, you were kicking a totally different door than the one. How many times would you say you kicked your door? Thousands. And I kicked my door half a time. Yeah, but the reverberations that are the messages to my followers also echoed in your cell and the resonance loosened the... Oh dear Lord.

Oh, I think I might know what's going on. So I just had the water and I did splash a little bit on our door. So maybe the water's sort of helping to loosen it, kind of loosen the lid situation. So let me hear... I'm gonna pour a little on your door. That they don't, here we go. Let me just, okay now, now give it a try. Yes, now they are loosened,

and I shall loose my feet upon it with a powerful kick. Oh, with it. Oh, wow, yeah, that doesn't work. Hmm, you know, is it possible you're trying too hard? Because for me, like, and again, like, I don't wanna say I'm an expert, but I did get results. When I was kicking the door, it was like I was barely trying

to do it. I didn't even think I was going to do it. Honestly, I just felt like I had to kind of like go through the motions because someone asked me to do it. And I was surprised that it worked. Maybe the thing, you'll have you tried to kind of like kick it, but not try to kick it. Yeah, it's like what they say, like, when you go to an audition and you don't give a fuck

if you book it or not, that's when you book it. Do you go on many auditions, Chund? I've been on a few auditions. People used to paint me. I used to make perverts, you said paint me. That's correct. And so, you know, they might have bring me in to see what poses I might do,

or have me read a one dramatic one comedic. And, Sean, I've gotta say, I've always asked this, and I forgot about this. It's been years now. Mm-hmm. When you said they would paint you, I was never clear whether they were painting portraits of you or my body.

On my body. Yeah, okay, that's all right. But, very well, at this point. I will try almost anything Let me get into the mindset of a human Arnie is that you are any coming My lifespan is so short Oh my life span is so short. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Ooh, what kind of pie do you have? Ooh, y'all come back now. I heard you hear her. Oh, I'm going to kick the door now,

even though I haven't been trained in proper technique. And I know nothing of kick is I'm, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, he kicked. It did not work. So Arnie, what is it? What is this secret? What is this secret? what's your secret?

You know what if I if I fully understood my own power, you know, there'd be no stopping me That's the problem. I don't even really know, you know and bad. This is the worst Well, let's um Arnie. Did you want to step out of the cell? Well, the only thing is, how do I get you down from your... how do I get you down? Okay. Okay, well let's think about it. So earlier, I was a badger head on a sand castle, right? And I somehow got back to being a full badger, so maybe cut off my arms and legs?

Oh boy. There's a lot of assumptions that I feel really bad if we were wrong about in that plan. Yeah, and I guess to be fair, it should be cut off my hands and feet, not my arms and legs. I actually could probably just reach through the bars and get you down. Oh! Uh, yeah, do you have, do you have like a tip of your arrow or something you can pick these locks with? I have the lathe that they inexplicably let me keep on my boot. Oh, that would be amazing! Well, actually, I've just been kicking stuff all this time. Why haven't you been using the tools that you have?

That is outside of the realm of kickersome human. Wait, can I see the lathe? The lathe. Oh, thank you so much. Are you gonna give me a little push? Okay. What? Okay. What? Okay, let me just try and, oh shit.

I dropped the lathe and the cell on the other side. Oh, well, better lathe than never. Vah. Oh, I know something. I haven't tried kicking. Ah. Oh, that did it. We won't work.

First try. I wow. Believable. I kicked it. All four separate manacles open when I kicked no I refuse To be defeated by this for this only illustrates the power of kicking You see friends you are converts to kickism Huh, and I want to say that the reason I'm out is defeat

Right my feet got me out of here. So defeat is winning. John, do you mind, because I think this would be really instructive. Why? I was through why you felt like that worked for you in a way that it's not working for DQ. Hmm. Okay, so I guess it was like a last resort situation.

And in my mind's eye, I was just like, this'll never work. And then it did. Hmm, yeah. I think the problem is, Deku, you have too much faith in your own ability to kick. So in order to have results, one must first disbelieve. That's the first rule of arningism.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh seem to reach you, Sador. Um... Hmm... Should we, Arnie, should we try and pull on the other end of Dothaniel's cage? Or, or Dothaniel, um, are you too proud that you want to do this yourself? Or... I... Do not need your help. I will provide for my own escape. Or I will wait for rescue from my many followers, who I'm sure are listening to my reverberations from a distance.

And I... I... I will be fine. I don't... I don't need anyone. I'm... I'm all that I need. I'm fine. I'm fine. DQ, from my... now that I'm sort of out of our cell and I can kind of see into yourself better, there's a lot of shit in there you could use to help you escape. There's a hammer in there. It honestly looks like there's a chain of keys in there with you. Why don't you use some of those other resources?

More forbidden tools. The first rule of kickism, the only tool you need is your foot. Ooh, boy, and looking on it from the outside, it looks like this was never locked, but your first kick bent the bars. I'm so sorry, John, I did not finish. Oh, okay.

He's your only tool you need is your foot. And, Dues are owed on the first of every month, and Dues are every piece of gold and wealth that you have, and you give that to the master. Yeah, take all. Oh my God. Oh, no, no, no.

Huh. This seems like a big of a scheme in bed. Touché. Hey, Arnie, look over here, speaking of gold. There's a treasure chest here, but it, boy, it looks like it has a series of walks on it. Why don't you get on the other side, I'm gonna get on this side and let's kick. One, two, there's a treasure chest here, but it, uh, well, it looks like it has a series of walks on it. Why don't you get on the other side? I'm gonna get on this side and let's kick. One, two, three.

Ugh! Oh, it opened! Wow! Holy shit, this is awesome! I have no idea. I was so good at kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, all I want to do is kick, kick, kick. This is so fun! I am hardened by your new belief and yet I'm profoundly dismayed at my own circumstance.

So, bit of a win-lose. Oh boy, wait a second. I just realized though, chunt. If we're gonna get out of here, we're not out of the wood yet. We're in a dungeon. Well, okay, we're not out of the, we are not out of the wood yet. We're in a dungeon. We're not out of the dungeon yet. If we're going to get upstairs, you have to get by the afternoon guard,

Crunch. I'll be right back. I'm going to go try kicking him. He's walking out the stairs. Sounds like he stopped because he's winded. Here's some heavy breathing. It sounds like he stopped because he's winded. Okay, here's some heavy breathing. Oh, I guess that was just one stare. Nice. Guys, you're not gonna believe us. Crunch was sleeping. I got up, I kicked him.

He's dead. Whoa, where'd you kick him in the crunch? What part is the crunch again? Head. Oh, yeah, kick his head. Yeah, you kick it too hard and it, the skull breaks and it goes crunch. To be fair, there is a decent chance that he was already dead before I kicked him, but

I don't know. Huh, right in the crunch shell. Well, let me actually, instead of going upstairs, I don't like to walk by dead bodies. Let me kick this wall here. Yeah! Oh, there you go. There's a hole to go outside. Look, I see the sun.

Wow. Wow, you two are really making it happen. Wow, he's biting his tongue, it's bleeding. That is wonderful. I am happy for both of you. Thank you. I have no doubt that once the wizard awakens, he will no doubt be an excellent kicker to most of the show

at it. Everyone's great at kicking now. Well, but he's got magic. Like, you know, we're just, I'm just naturally skilled apparently. Apparently, apparently so. TQ, Art, are you gonna be okay? Oh, sure. Sure, I'll be fine.

It's been a good day. So happy that I decided to talk to you. Sure, I'll be fine. It's been a good day. So happy that I decided to talk to you after a week. It's been, do you want any of this stuff in here? Um, aren't you going to hammer or something? So you can hammer in the morning. Hammer in the evening. No, I feel like if I would feel bad for not doing anything with it.

Got some, that that ring of keys seems like a, just a length of metal that you could pry with. This seems to be a box of tools. The more I look around, the less this seems like a cell and more just a store room. Is it possible that I've been imprisoned in a store room? This seems like a cell and more just a storeroom. Is it possible that I've been imprisoned in a storeroom? And again, the store wasn't locked. Your first kick bent the bars. Can you walk us through what happened when they first brought you down here?

Is it possible that you were never... Were you hired? You might not. Yeah, what did Risener... What did they say to you when they apprehended you? They said, you there who've been making the letters on the trees Come with us. Okay, so far ambiguous That's really impressive

We'd like to put your skills to use What is your rate we are open to negotiation Okay, so you know I'm starting to see now where things sort of went awry. You could really interpret that one both ways. Yeah, and that's rough. And here's the kicker. I put another hole in the wall.

Call me a little kicker. Arnie, start calling me a little kick. Little kick? Little kick, Swift kick? Yeah. Can I just call you little Keeek? Do I have to call you a little Keeek? Little Keeek?

And I'm gonna start a new podcast called Kicking It with Little Keeek, Energy Boys. I would listen to that one. Oh, thank you, DQ. Have you ever thought Arnie's pretty generous with his equipment? Have you ever thought about starting a podcast? You have a great voice.

Thank you. If it would help spread the word of kickism, perhaps, what would we talk about? Kicking is more of a visual medium. Okay. Arnie, you're the professional podcaster. What's a good way to do a podcast about Kieks? Well, I would say first and foremost,

make it about yourself, figure out what you're gonna, figure out like the first four or five sentences and that you're gonna say and then say them at the beginning of every episode. Should those sentences be well rehearsed or should I fumble them sort of every time? Oh, I think fumble them right?

Yeah, every time, yeah. Okay, excellent, these are good notes. I don't know what else. I mean, for me, podcasting is a lot like kicking. It just comes so naturally. It's really hard for me to encapsulate and share the things, the knowledge that I've got around that area, I'm also very good at talking about what I'm talking about right now.

These sentences are really well constructed. Complete, yes, complete thoughts all. Arnie, we should be supportive. Here, I'm going to slide the laptop through your bars here, and let me just open up the screen facing you. Oh, shit, Arnie, the screen's locked oh okay get yeah there he goes this is an exciting new avenue for kickers um perhaps word will spread far and wide and we can get those cool robes that we've been talking about yeah and you can fucking lose

your mind like that guy, Joe Rogan. Arnie, that's what you said, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Uh, yeah. Oh yeah. That's the guy who's in the kicks, right? He said he was the, he was one of the better kickers on Earth.

Yeah, I don't know, I'm just obsessed with talking about some of his choices that he made on News Radio. Don't know what he's up to these days. That's the name of his podcast, News Radio. He's got a podcast? I gotta check that out. He. That's the name of his podcast, News Radio. He's got a podcast. I gotta check that out. He's like my eighth or ninth favorite person on News Radio.

The word is Andy Dicfall. I mean, that's what I'm hearing. This is fun. So, oh boy. So I guess we're gonna, I guess we're gonna Yeah, go Just gonna take off I know it's kind of awkward. It's one of these things where it's like we kind of have escaped, but we're sort of still here

I'm still in disbelief that it all the kicks worked But I'm when it when it kicks it pours that that is something that we say you know if you don't here's a thing I would feel but like if you don't, here's the thing, I would feel, but like if you don't want us to escape, we will stay here with you. Oh, no, no, I couldn't do that. You have things to do, I assume, that other thing. I feel things to do in places to kick.

Yeah, absolutely. Hearts of the castle to explore. I wish that you were escaping with us, but, you know, since you're not like, should we we should still, we should probably still escape. Right, yes, yes, you, you should go. It's all you understand. Oh, it's, uh, it's fine. It should, that's... that's fine.

Good. You're not... you're not just saying that. No... no. Okay, good. No, it's good. Because as soon as I asked that, I was like, oh god, I hope. Just leave me here with these items and... I'm sure that if I'm not supposed to be a prisoner then someone will at some point realize that I'm not doing my assigned duties or that I'm here by mistake, it'll get sorted out eventually, probably just an administrative error or something.

I'm fine fine. And DQ again, I'm gonna highlight this one more time. I really think you have all the tools you need to escape in that room with you. Literally all the tools. You just gotta, like, get past the kicking. Like, here's a thing, I bet the kicking could work for you. Oh, it could, it can, and it will.

But I know those keys will be faster. Perhaps that is your belief, human. I have different. You may be gonna run and start at it. Oh, boom, boom, boom. Oh, I heard a crunch. Oh, I'm fine. Put some weight on it.

Ah! Oh, actually, buddy, I see that there's a side entrance into that room with no door at all. What? How did I miss that? That is not the path for me. On the path that is forward? The path is forward or backward if you're kicking backward but never never the side. So you're so invested in a kicking solution that you will reject a just walking out solution. That's right human. I remain steadfast in my belief and I will maybe I use the other leg now. Ooh, another branch.

A portraitize it. It's fine. Not as successful as I hoped. Indeed, not successful at all. And now, ooh, it's like watching someone trying to saw wood with a piece of spaghetti. Please stop. Can't really put weight on either foot now

It's impressive that you're in a handstand, but oh please stop. Thank you. Oh just Probably take a little breather for just for now This is gonna be a real set back to your plans to escape via kicking. And yet, as we say in kickism, you may injure your foot, but your leg is still whole. Huh. And come to the meetings and bring a friend. Ooh, there's a bit of a kick non-starter, but okay.

And kick, you mentioned kick backwards. That would be Kisic. Exactly. Nice. Well, I'm Kisic of this cover circle. So, bum set. So, we're gonna go out this way, but we're gonna go back around to the front door.

So, if you change your mind and you do escape, like checking with us, we're upstairs. Yeah, just give us a whole other end. Just give us a whole lot of proper. And I can bring it, do you want some food? I could bring down crotch if you don't mind eating flesh or like I can go find something in the forest, pick some berries or something.

I've got about a week, so at some point in that week, some food would be excellent. Okay, Arnie, how do I remember this? So when I, okay, I need some sort of like mnemonic device or some sort of like, when I eat, I'll think, hey, when I'm then eating, other people need to eat. People in this world are starving.

Starve, carve, carve a tree, tree trunk, swimming trunks, ocean, ocean spray, spray it, don't say it. List, dream, dream. I got nothing. I got nothing, Arnie don't say it. List, green. Green. I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing. Kick it.

What? Just kick, kick, kick it. Oh, I kicked my head. Yeah, I'll never forget. And don't rely on me because I am very bad at accomplishing anything between episodes of podcast. You got to tree and tree trunk a few free associations in and I thought you were right on target and then you went further away.

It seemed too easy, it seemed way too easy. Fair. And I learned from you, if something's worth doing, it's worth suffering over. In bed. You've been taking care of all the chores that piled up over the week, while half listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refy. Usurur the Wizard was, I mean, are we really saying he was even in this one? It was like two thirds of the hosts were doing their jobs and one was doing a clip show. I feel like Siri would have had a bigger presence. Anyway, the bare minimum of

Usador was sleepwalked by Matt Young. Good luck submitting the hours for this to the voice actors Gild. Dathaniel Quenjarvin, i.e. DQ the Elf, was played by special guest Tim Ryder. Tim wrote and performed on the new seasons of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, currently streaming on Netflix. Follow Tim at TimRider on Twitter and at Red Rider BebeGun on Instagram. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refy. Post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz. Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

Special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Also, the latest episode of the Magic Tavern bonus series Earth Games is up on Stitcher Premium, and it has Eren Keith as Momo the Mouse playing the board game Mystery Date. Because the one thing a romantic get-together needs is a bunch of information you didn't know in advance. And if you're looking for some non-magic tavern listening, Matt and Adel both appeared on recent episodes of the podcast Good Morning from Hell, found wherever podcasts occur. Why wasn't Arnie invited on as a guest?

Oh, go through our back catalog, I think the clues are there. But now, farewell audience. Whatever grievances we have done against you this day, you have one week's time to forget all about them and begin the cycle again. A-Be your thaw, caller, or do I- What do I- What do I- Ah! Ah! Where am I? Oh, yes, I don't remember now. Here I am shackled in the dungeons of Castle Skull Master.

Oh, but my meditative state has brought me no clarity, whereby I can escape. But yet where be my compatriots? Greetings, Viennialek. Your friends have abandoned you. Death and your Quenia Havana. How do you find yourself also trapped in this dungeon? I have been in the cell next to yours for literally the entire time you've been down here.

And you have spent most of it muttering. And where are Arni and Chant? I do not know. They went away. They got really into kicking, which I should be happy about, but feels like an insult. Oh, kicking, you say. Oh, oh, and I said kicking you, sir. Oh, oh.

Oh, and I said kicking the door flung itself wide open. Ha, ha, ha. The power of my magic succeeds again. It does seem as if I am a natural kicker. I need not even lift my leg. All I need do is speak the word and the kicking be done. Well, you'll probably be leaving too now, I suppose. Well, I could free thee from thine cell. You need but ask.

And I shall use my great magical powers to open this, um, already, uh, open, um, utility closet. No? No, I will get myself out. I do not need your help. There be no shame in accepting help from nine friends, but I understand your journey is thine own. But let me assist thee in some other way. I shall conjure for you a great feast to ensure you do not starve while you wait here amongst these many tools that could easily be used to just get the hell out of here. There are... O-T-A-K-T-A-R-Y-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T-A-T Another eight weeks for me. Start the clock.