Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 57 - Together

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

Arnie, Chunt and Usidore spend some time getting used to being back together and practice talking to each other.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungD'athaniel Quen'yarvin: Tim RyderMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, you know, hearing myself say that, I tend to address you as one big, easily misled group, but the truth is, I can see each one of you. Why don't we take a moment for a few shout outs? Jason, those are some beautiful painted figurines behind you, but we both know that's not a Sauraman Macket. It's Gandalf and you somehow filed down the hat. And the lie is killing you. Sajal, I want you to think about the idea of no more than five strings of color cycling

LED lights per room. No one wants to live in the escalator tunnel beneath O'Hare. Keith, leave your eyebrows alone. Leave them alone! Leave them alone. And now, sit back and enjoy the show! Hello from Castle Skull Master! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm Arunni Kemp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. A bit over 5 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical, and a fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, chronicling our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. I am joined by my co-host,

he's a talking badger, Talbot the Badger. How you doing, buddy? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don't understand a word of that. And I'm also joined by my other co-host, O' Wizard, with a really long name.

Hi, um, Canificent Dew Spring, Master of Space and Time, Headmaster of Giselmau Preparatory School for Young Wizards. The dwarves did know me as canned heat. The Dwarves do know me as canticleeep wits. The Dwarves will know me as canned ants crumb master. The vampires did know me as canned rick Lamar. The vampires do know me as canned me if you catch. The vampires will know me as Candid Voltaire.

Oh, can you and your long name? The giants did know me as Candel Roy. The giants will know me as can I get a what? All right. All right, can. That's enough. Okay. I think that's a pretty good.

And... Oh, just shove can onto the back of your sword. Whoa. You're a little shish kebab now, baby. Oh Arnie kebab I have been Now that I think about it. I have been in bailed on a soul that we have canonically explains Kill Swizzards this episode is for the hearing and pale This episode is for the hearing and pale. Bye bye for a boy!

Oh, forever. Is that a promise forever? Arnie, what the fuck were you doing? Well, just doing a run through of the broadcast, just in case anything happens. You know, we've been separated before, and we've had to record under less than ideal circumstances. So talented here, who has sat in before.

And then I said that I was looking for understudies for use at all the wizard and use at all as still gone, can happen to be in the castle. I mean, said he'd sit in. I mean, here's the thing. I don't mind Talbot being on. You know, one time since we're both badgers, one time we had a parent trap situation.

You and Talbot did? Yeah, where we set down traps to catch his parents, and we killed them and skin them. Oh. Parent trap. You know, parent trap. Because they divorced, and so we got them back together. They're knitted together.

Now he's got a little cloak, may not have his parents. Parent cloak. What the fuck is this? Oh, shh. What the fuck is this? Is this an old badger show now? You should do just exclusively have badgers on your show? I gotta shave or something if I'm starting to look like a badger.

Yeah, a little salt and pepper going on here. That's true. Oh, how loathsome it is that you have defiled this show with not a single wizard anywhere to be seen. I know, John do not tell you, sir, that I flirted with having can as my host Can was on can was on the episode and then I shut them on to a sort of he disappeared. Yeah, John killed can forever You killed one of the versions of can yeah, there are multiple versions that live through different timelines Yeah, but it still is just one so I guess he's dead But there's still like past hymns out there. Did you know that that if Cannon noise you on the podcast, he annoys you in real life?

Oh, terrifying. Terrifying. Where have you been all week? I got out of the dungeon last week. You were in the wizard's state, my man? Oh, well, no thanks to you. Why didn't you shake me? We did.

We shook you. We rocked you. We rolled you all night long, and nothing happened, you wouldn't wake up? Yeah. You tried shaking rattling and rolling? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And don't worry, while you're gone Arnie and I were a couple of energy boys. Energy boys.

Energy boys. Yeah. So we took care of things. Well, excellent. That's very good to hear. I gave Nathaniel Quennyaravan some food that I conjured for him because I was very worried that he might starve to death down there, but I took all of the water. Oh.

So, that means he's either got eight more weeks to live or he's dead. We should check in on him. Hey, uh, Nathaniel, how you doing bud? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. He should be fine. Yeah.

Hey Nathaniel, are you sure you don't want us to come down there and save you? No, no, I do not want that. And it's something I do not want. I will get myself out. I am strong. I am capable. I Can kick Alright, that's a proud elf. Yeah, we so we got the game back together We we escape from jail. We're in this castle. What what what what were we doing? I've been making jam all week

Oh in the wizard state I got out of the wizard's date a few days ago, and I came up to the second kitchen, because the first kitchen is gone, just the birds flew away with it. The one the birds, yeah. It turns out there's a secondary kitchen. This is a big castle.

This place is so big. And I started making jams and jellies out of all the various fruits that were about to go bad, and I Sped all week just you know preserving food. I hate hate food being wasted. Oh, what kind of jams and jellies we talking? I made some crumble berry jam. I made some Listol Listol berry jam. Yeah, usually gargle with Listol berries. Listol? Ony Listol. Yeah, what is Listol? It's's Listel on a listel. Yeah, what is listel?

It's a listelberry listelberry? Yeah, I just wanted to hear you say it to see if you could say it or if it would fall clumsily off your tongue You did a great job. I was very surprised. Oh You're welcome. Arnie got crumbleberry all down the fucking front of your shirt. That's what berries these are Yeah, you know, I've been exploring the castle this whole time the last week. I found so many rooms. There's like a million rooms.

I found a trampoline room, and I found a room made out of wood, and there's a butt room, and there's a room. Wait, hold on, hold on. Oh, the trampoline room? Yeah. Oh, a room made out of wood?

Yeah. The ceiling, the floor, the walls, the windowsoline room? Yeah. Oh, a room made out of wood. Yeah. The ceiling, the floor, the walls, the windows, the glass windows. The windows, yeah. From the windows to the walls, it's all made of wood. It's pretty impressive. What else? I found all kinds of secret compartments.

There's a book in the library that when you pull on the book, get this. When you pull on the book, it comes out. And then you can open the book and read the contents and there's a story inside. And oh, and then if you read it, what is it? And then you finish it and then you have read a story. Any spells?

There was like this Grimwar that seemed like it had spells in it, but I couldn't make sense of it. So I threw it in the fireplace. Oh But the fireplace wasn't lit. Oh good, but erad ate it. Oh, but it was a small rat. Oh, but it's still ate it Oh But it threw it back up. Oh, but it was in pieces. Oh, but I put it back together. Yay But not in the way that it originated. Oh That's it. Oh. Already what do you

been up to? Well, I explored about two or three rooms over the last week. I kind of want I went through some of the cabinets and things. Oh, I think I found Skullmaster's diary. What does it say? Well, I have it here. I've been sort of leafing through it to see if I could learn something about this weird villain that lives in this castle. I see here's a page like, I will impale my enemies. They will destroy them and all of their families. But then some of the other pages are like, why can't I just admit that I'm sad? Oh.

I think it kind of seems like Skullmasters going through something. Damn. Villains, they're just like us. Mm-hmm. I ripped off a bunch of toes today, still didn't make me as happy as I thought it would. It's unclear from his writing, if he ripped off someone else's toes or his own toes,

I don't know, I guess I can't sing it with someone else's. Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right. So speaking of ripping off toes, we are all back together. Arnie, what were we trying to, were we trying to kill this guy? What were we trying to do? Oh gosh, you know, we've been separated for so long.

It actually kind of feels weird to be back together and I'm a little trying to remember what were we trying to do? We're trying to solve the shattering, right? Break these, try to solve break these. And we're all back together, but I think the shattering is still happening. Yeah.

You store as the fragmenting is still happening? The shattering, yes, is still happening. Here in this castle, we are trapped in one section that encompasses the entire castle and we were all able to find our ways to one another with our various skills that would make us the greatest adventuring party to be combined our forces together shall finally defeat the forces of evil here in this castle I shall find Secrets that no one else has ever been able to understand and I shall kill Skolmaster.

You got kill Skolmaster? Yeah, he's evil. Yeah, that's fair, but he seems sad. Look at his diary. No, fuck that dude. Skolfuck that dude. He sucks. Yes, that's right. He sucks and I am tired of watching Strong guy and skullmaster fight each other week after week after week and all they ever do is Perhaps there's one of them picks him up and throws the other one into a chasm But then in the next week the other one he's fine again, you know, it's ridiculous. It is true Why are they always throwing each other into chasms? Well, there are all these rules on Strong Guy Island

that you can't show too much of violence because there's so many strong people. Mm-hmm. So they're very concerned about showing violence here because how it might affect young minds. So you have to be very careful. And strong people have young minds. Yeah, some of them do, yes.

Not generalized, but a lot of strong people have very young minds. Well, that's why they use insensitive terms, like trampoline room when it really should be low-income, lean room. Yeah. Also, yeah, they're going through each other running in casoms just like that famous folklore, aren't you? Oh, well, there's some chasm folklore.

Yeah, do you know about ball punion? No, I'd love to hear about ball punion. Am I saying that correctly? Sorry, balled punion is a huge guy, huge lumberjack, totally bald, no hair. What's that term? What's the term for? You have no hair.

What is that called? You know, when you're careless? Careless, that's what it is. So he was born a hairless and he fell in love with this sexy fucking babe of an ox. And they had a relationship and they fucked and fucked and fucked. And long.

So what are some of the, like, what, like, how did they start? What do you mean? Like, how did he get it started? I don't know, fucking dinner. I don't know, so he didn't like, I would have guessed he like, blue. The ox. He blue, babe.

Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it's home for you. Maybe not to start. To start? I don't know. That seems like a second date kind of thing. Oh, I have. Great, so no idea. What is the actual, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. What? What is your date, physicality guidelines? For you, obviously it's different for everybody. Of course. Well, here's the, I have a little song, and this is of course reciprocal in terms of, if they consent to this and if they're a support, and it's a conversation to have,

but I do have a little song about the sort of order of how I think things should go You ready? First on a date have some food everything's good so you start fucking now start kissing then and then you say goodbye Next morning you blow each other then you're back dinner, have to eat again. Food sustains us, that's a huge win. Fucking and sucking and fucking and suck. Up from the ground came a bubble. And crude. What?

Oh, that is. No, it's not oil. Oh, I gotta go wash my hands. When do you eat breakfast? No time. No time for breakfast. My man, you're up all night, so you sleep all day. All right.

Sounds good to me. Break. Sounds like a lot of fun. You know what I call breakfast the day after fucking dinner? Because I'm sleeping all day. Nice. Nice. Alright, sorry, I'm back. I washed my hands. Okay, we- We're gonna tear up this God of Stamcastle.

I don't carry more. I'm gonna kill this guy, and then I'm gonna go on, and I'm gonna kill the Dark Lord, and I'm going to reunite the world and the shattering shall end here in this time. Oh, that's right, the Dark Lord. Yeah, the Dark Lord. We were gonna do something involving the Dark Lord, right? Like the speed home.

But those look like there were like steps. We're looking for the last artifact. That's right. That's a weird way to say it's just artifact. Just say it normal. Yeah, we're looking for the last artifact. The last artifact. Why did you say it weird?

I have to give him a shit about saying it weird. I'm trying to support you, dude. Oh, oh, then thank you very much. Sorry, you're welcome. So effective. So the artifact was in the cave? Why do you say it like that, Ernie? I don't know.

I thought it started seeing, I didn't want to feel left out at this point. Yeah, you cave. I did not do it to be supportive. Oh, okay. You could have just lied and said you were doing it to be supportive. Oh shit. Oh wait, do I still have that laser gun? No, I think you lost that pretty fast.

And now that I think about it, it would have been useful. That would have been great. I mean, I have been walking around with my finger going, pew, pew. But, um, yeah, I guess I don't have anymore. So we found that laser gun. Maybe, ah, did someone break it? I feel like someone broke. Um, was that one of the artifacts? No, but I feel like we got it around that time.

We were looking for them in certain places, right? What were we looking for the third one? I think it was in a stronghold or a keep. I can't remember exactly. I wrote it down here. Let me look at one of my toes. Oh, like a fortress skull for a, what are some other words?

Like a, like a barracks, like some sort of barracks or a tent. I think a barracks, like a headquarters, like a mess hall, or like a cavern or cave. I think we did the cave one. We did the cave one for sure. Like a tower. What's a pontoon? No. Like a tower. What's a pontoon? No. What's that?

Hmm. House? Like a castle. Castle, that's what we're in. We are in a castle. You should are. Is it possible that we are in the same castle that the artifact we're looking for is supposed to be in?

No, I haven't written down here and it says we're supposed to look in an e-astel An e-astel e-a-s-t-l-e. Oh Anast-e-astel So the moderate is not gonna make that mistake again sometimes I'm like oh asshole Yes, I suppose that e could be a C Yes, I suppose that E could be a C. Orning, maybe we're supposed to go, you said you get your clothes on Earth at an aerial

pastel. Mm-hmm. Maybe that's what we're supposed to go. Yeah. You said they have the best sizes for the money? I'm sure they, yes they do. I'm going to need a couple hours to decipher these rooms. This is two letters.

It's a C instead of an E. Just give me a little time here. Castle Castle Castle Castle I made you out of clay. Castle Castle Castle we're looking for something inside you. Arnie. What? What? It's in a castle. It's not an E. It's a C. A castle? And we are in a castle right now. We are. Huh. Now I'm really gonna tear this place up. We have to find that artifact, and then I'm gonna kill Skull Master.

Yeah. Look, if we're trapped in this fortress, Tower Headquarters, what have you? And it's an evil headquarters. Why not take advantage of it? No often, do you have access to a mostly abandoned giant evil fortress? Yeah, there's probably all sorts of rich stuff and great weapons and cool magical powers

and trapped in gems that we haven't even found yet. Oh, I can't wait to rifle through everything. Let's all go check a room. I'll check the butt room. Oh, yeah, he went right to the butt room. It's right next to the wood room. Makes sense. Well, Ahni, do you have a room that you want to peruse?

I don't know. Hmm. Oh, here, come with me. We'll pick anyone at random and we'll just go in. Okay. This one's dark. I can't hardly see anything. Can you make anything out?

I think this is a dark room. It's where he develops his paintings. Ah, yes, that makes sense. It smells good. I made this mistake before. And one of the other dark rooms. Don't light a torch or anything in here. Otherwise, you're gonna ruin the paintings

because they're not done yet. Wait, Arnie, you said or you're in it. Wait, you guys are in here? What are you doing in the butt room? On the what? It's the, it's not a dog room, it's a butt, this is the butt room. Yeah, it's, it's dark in here, but every time I come in here, it's pitch dark, but something keeps grabbing my butt. Oh.

Wait, is that happening right now? Yeah, just a moment ago. Who's there? Oh, so ungrabbin' shunt spot. Someone grabbed my butt? It's fine if you are. Yeah, it seems like he's into it. grabbing Shunt's butt. Someone grabbing my butt? It's fine if you are. Yeah, it seems like he's into it. I came back for seconds.

Yeah! He keeps coming back for the butt grabs. Though I must say, we would prefer that you made yourself known and ask permission before grabbing Shunt's butt. Here, let me illuminate the situation. Gayly of licking karma! Uh-oh. You guys, I feel illuminate the situation. Gayly of licking comma! Uh, oh. You guys, I feel like such an idiot.

I was just sitting down. Whoops. So, what was grabbing your butt was the floor? It was just chair. This chair was grabbing my butt. You know when you sit down and the chair kind of grabs your butt. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know that feeling. It feels as if you're

being caressed by the chair and the chair just wishes to subtly and sumptuously caress your cheeks and give them some respite from the guys. Guys, we have been in isolation way too long. You guys are getting a horny for chairs. So, Lation. I, so, I, so, I, so, Lation. I, so, Rebo, Lation. I think I've gotten crazy. I think so. I think so. I think usual.

I think all the time hanging from the ceiling, I think I've gotten crazy. I think I've gotten crazy. You know, I would be hesitant to admit this to anyone other than the two of you, and I suppose are hundreds of listeners. I don't think I've fully recovered from being isolated for weeks and weeks.

I'm still getting used to being back around you too. I am so happy to be back around you too, but I'm like, I'm not entirely myself. Yeah, it is weird to constantly be talking because when we were separated, when we were in our own little breaks These I would only talk to you all once a week and the rest of the time. I didn't really talk you didn't talk to anybody Well, I'm sure I talked to myself a little bit, but other than that, I don't think I was talking I have something I must admit

Yeah, the reason you couldn't get me out of the wizard state was I Sort of wanted to be in there because I'd gotten used to being a little. Yeah, not ready. Yeah, ready, you know Yeah, so I sort of I just sort of need to like to retreat into myself a little bit. Mm-hmm So I suppose it was hard to shake me out of there and I had to come out when I was ready to come out You know, I think it's different for everyone Although, you know, obviously there are certain steps we should take. They're all be safe and cautious as we move forward. That's why I have brought you all each a mask. Put on these devil masks. Well, these devil masks will transform you each into a demon, and then as my demon side

kicks, we're gonna go and kill Skullmaster. Hold on, look, use it or please. Do you not put me in a position where I want to actively resist putting this mask on. You tell me you got a mask for me. Normally, I'm gonna be like, sweet, get that fucking mask on my face now. But you're telling me you're giving him a mask that's going to turn me into a demon? Yeah, I don't want to do I just put mine on. Hey Arnie, do you like apples? Yeah, I think I'm a Matt demon. Oh

Honey just put on the mask. It'll turn you into a demon and then Someone will try to stop you and you won't let them. No way to second. Am I gonna put on the mask and say something like somebody stopped me? I certainly wasn't walking you up to that. And you'll probably start... ...sigrets. Yep. Fine, fine, don't put on the masks, but it would be safer if you put on the masks for you.

That's all I can say. I'm gonna have this mask here in case... If Skull Master's here and he's within six feet of you, it's time for us to kill him, put on the mask, and then you'll turn into a demon and help me destroy him. Oh, so it's like the purge. What's the purge? Yeah, or what's the purge? Oh, it's a okay movie with Ethan Hawke on my world. I've heard the ones after I get better, but I did not see them. You have a bird that acts kind of close enough.

What do you mean kind of? He's more kind of an appealing bird. Huh. And he's up before sunset? Before sunset, after sunset, whichever the other one is. Guys, I have an idea. Sunset whichever the other one is Guys I have an idea look let's just kind of react we'll meet to each other here Help me pull this table into the middle of the room All right now I have another set of masks all right these masks will turn you into a bear

But a bear that's so tall and so thin that it's upsetting to look at you. Oh, like a slender bear. Yeah, you're like a slender bear. Oh, I'd kill for slender bear. So, so put these on and help me kill Skullmaster. We'll wait for him. We'll hide under the stairs.

I can't tell. I can't expect us to be under the stairs. That's true. No one expects a slender bear under the stairs. That's right. And even if it takes weeks, we'll wait there under the stairs. That's true. No one expects a slender bear under the stairs. That's right. And even if it takes weeks, we'll wait there under the stairs. And as soon as he comes back, then we'll pop out and we'll say, Ha, we are under the stairs the whole time. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. I want to put on my slender bear mask and I look down and I don't have a mask. Guys, I think we've gone crazy. I think we've spent too much time in isolation.

We're not used to like talking to each other. Look fine, so I made have imagined that those masks existed and then conjured them temporarily and they might have dissipated back into the magical ether, but here, put on these masks. Okay. What are these masks? With Bandana with eye holes cut out.

Mine's purple. Ooh, I see, because we're strangers to each other now. We'll put on these bags over our head. Wait, you have a bag? This is a big bandana, I think of it as a bag. But you should put on the red one. You should put on the blue one. All right.

And now you store you lead us all two machines. What do we have on for talent? Can we give Talbot a mask to him? Yeah, we'll give him an orange one Cuz he's a cool little badger Oh shit and Mundle do you got one for Mundle? I'm so sorry Mundle. I keep forgetting you're here Excuse me. I believe you mean Mendel well. He's Mendel when he's in your hat the one. He's out of your hat

He's Mundle right? Yeah, sure. I can't wait till we see... Maxel! Maxel the Graxel? Oh, the Graxel. Oh, the DOOM Horde, what blows at the end of time? Shall show they be blown when we see Maxel the Graxel. Alright, so Chut was saying we need to all put on these masks. So put on your mask.

What color did I have again, Chut? I'm sorry. You have blue, duh. Blue, oh, of course. Yes, perfect. Okay, because you're you're gonna lead us through this. Perfect. And again, I'm gonna do machines. You're gonna do machines. So what's on these deals? It's just like a rat dude with an attitude. Yeah, it's kind of rude. All right. Took me a bit, but I think I'm there. He's rude. He's gonna lay injured in a bathtub for most of this episode. I love pizza.

Well, let's get you some pizza. We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. With, yeah, here's the thing. Before we go, no, when we come back from break, this is what I'm thinking we should do to get used to it. I think we should reintroduce ourselves to each other. Oh, so let's come back from break as like, look, we've been in this relationship for about five and a half plus years and change. Oh, now you can't remember how long? Look, I'm sorry,

I can't remember we're anniversary all the time, but we can spice things up a little bit. Let's kind of pretend we're just at this castle skull master. It's like, let's say it's a bar or a beastro. And we're like, we just run into each other as strangers. I've tried to spice things up with you before. I made you those boot wall paintings. You just, but you ripped them in half. That was not on purpose. You said that's not what a dictionary would look like.

They were too sexually potent, Chant. They would have destroyed us all. I'm sorry, I'm a truth teller. If I see a dick and I don't think that's how it should look, I'm going to say it. And that problem has plagued me my entire life. Fine, we'll take a break and we'll be right back with who knows who. Who?

Oh, excuse me. Do you have any tables available? I think that's a yes. Yes, thank you. I'll sit here. I'm sorry is anyone sitting here? Oh, no, no, it was just me. I don't mind sharing though. It looks like this place is pretty crowded. Oh, yeah. If you don't mind sharing, my name's Delilah and this is my husband.

Stevie, get over here. Hi, how you doing? Huh, have you met Delilah yet? No, I haven't. Hello, Delilah and Stevie. Arnie, it's me. Yeah, no, I'm shutting you, sir. No, I know.

It's also me. I made a Steve and Delilah mask. Sorry, it just seemed like we were so deep into the roles that I thought you might be confused. No, I was confused, but I was like, were we going to be other people, but I guess it was unclear. Oh, oh fuck, who are, what's your name?

I'm just Arnie, are you just being Arnie? I think so. Oh, oh fuck, oh, I'm an idiot, I miss read this, I'm so sorry, never mind, never mind, let me take off this dress. Hey, well, hold on, Chant, Arnie, you don't have to be Ar be, I have another mask here. You could be a Commodore 64.

You could be Commodore Johnson. Commodore Johnson. Mm-hmm. Okay. Retired naval officer. All right. He's lived a long life. He's seen a lot of shit, but he got through it.

All right. I guess I'll put this mask on. Hi, Delilah. Stevie, I'm a Commodore Johnson. I've seen a lot of shit, but I live through it. Ooh, a man in uniform. What kind of shit? Oh boy, you know what, very specific shit. Also, what a weird thing to say to someone

you first meet him. Yeah, I'm gonna throw my drink in your face. Yeah. Maybe ease into it. Just say like someone you first meet him. Yeah, I'm gonna throw my drink in your face. Yeah. Maybe ease into it. Just say like, you talk about the weather. Like, hey, you know what, I make small talk or what? Stevie, it's okay. We should find another table.

I'm sorry, the lila. Yeah. Good day, sir. Good day to you. Arnie, is this okay? Is this okay? I guess so, but I don't wanna be by myself. Oh. Well, you're just a very to be by myself. Oh. Um. Well, it's just, you're just a very off-putting.

Oh, okay. Should we, should we try be... Should we switch masks? Yes, that's an excellent idea. Oh, fuck. Alright, he wants to be common or Johnson. I'll do it. Yeah, hand it to me. And I'll be...

You're a steve. Oh, okay. Your stain is the lila. Alright, I'll be steve. Okay, I'll be steve. Alright, I'll try. Oh, steve. Have you grown in the last few moments? Yeah, I think I did. I definitely grew. All right, hold on a second I'm sorry. I had to take my corridor mask off. Yeah, that's not what Stevie sounds like. Yeah, I'm sorry

I need like a line. I need like a I need like a word to latch on to to get me into my Stevie. Okay I need like a word to latch on to to get me into my Stevie. Uh, okay. Uh, Pepperoni. Pepper? Pepperoni. Pepperoni. Pepperoni. There you go. Alright, I'm putting out my Commodore Johnson.

Oh, uh, on Shantay, who have we here? My name is Delilah. Pepperoni. Uh, what am I Steve? What the fuck are you doing? I'm Steve! Good evening, I'm Commodore Johnson and I'm quite offended. My last ship was sunk.

Oh no. Commodore, can I ask how old are you? 63 or 65? 64. Oh, I mean, oh. That's a good one. Yes, my last ship was sunk by being hit by another ship, a trading ship filled with pepperoni. And I think it's very rude of you to bring that up.

First thing you see me, that's a rude way to introduce yourself to just scream the word pepperoni because you don't know. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait me to talk about pepperoni, isn't it? My backstory is Cabo Johnson is that my last ship was lost at sea because another sea-faring vessel filled with pepperoni crashed into it. It's also a sex thing. Here I'll play Stevie. Ernie, you be Delilah, okay, and then you story you stay calm. I say Okay Thank you Ah, well welcome, please have a seat here. Thank you for having us Don't mind him. He's just had a few bad around me

I think we've lost our minds him, he's just had a few pet around his. That's my land, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think we've lost our minds. Guys, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What happened to us? Like, I was looking forward to us all getting back together, but I feel like this whole thing has traumatized me more than I was willing to admit. I hate to say this.

I think we should try and get back on task. We were looking for an artifact, right? What's artifact we're looking for? We're looking for the third artifact. Do we know what it is? Do we know what the letter starts with? Do we know what it sounds like? Looks like it smells like.

We just know it's in like a terrible castle. And we have to get it before the Dark Lord does, otherwise he can cheat the true death. Do we know it's in like a terrible castle, and we have to get it before the Dark Lord does, otherwise he can cheat the true death. Do we know it's this terrible castle? Because there's a lot of terrible castles in food. That's true, but I think we knew it was on Strong Guy Island, so do we know how many castles there are on Strong Guy Island? Oh, probably, seven, eight, I would say.

But more castles are terrible than art, you know, realistically, three, I would say. But you know, more castles are terrible than aren't, you know, realistically, you know, three, four hundred years ago, they just built these things out of lead. Out of lead? Yeah, oh yeah, these things are mostly lead. That can be good for us. Well, I mean, times have changed, and now,

you know, we've tried to fix it, make better castles as we move forward Some of those old ones are still around. What are you going to do? Huh? I have a lump in my neck weird. Oh No, I'm not my neck. I live a bad Look, I think we should just systematically Rifle through every room in this castle and just wouldn't that be nice? Rifle through every room in this castle and just wouldn't that be nice? Just to go like bug nuts on a place and to have an excuse to not feel bad about it because it's an evil place. Whoa, you can't slip bug nuts into a sentence and then act like it never got said bug nuts.

But let's go bug nuts on this place, right? Is that an earth saying? Maybe it might be an earth saying or it might just be a thing I heard someone say once and thought it was an earth saying. I mean, I sort of got it from the context, you know, I'm not confused about what you mean by going bug nuts on it but I've certainly never heard it before. Oh, so what are we gonna do with that? Well, let's go fucking bug nuts in this room. Here we go. Everybody grab an end of the rug. Let's look under it and then if there's nothing there, you think a rug has three ends? This ought to be rich. No. Oh you mean I'm in

corners. I'm so sorry. Oh okay. Okay yeah it makes more sense. Okay here we go. There we go. Nothing under there. Doesn't look like there's anything under there. Huh should we put it back down on your head, Arnie? No, let's start out the window. Oh, okay. All right. On the count of three. Okay.

One, two, three. Oh, it looks like there was a map. We've got to open the window. Oh, there's a map. I was gonna say there was a map woven into the rug. Oh! And it's still here. Let's take a look at it. Let's see.

Okay. See, there's a little red dot says you are here. Yeah, we are here. Whoa, I didn't know. And over here there's a little red dot that says you are here. Magic rug. Oh, here's a little blue dot that says you were there.

And here's a yellow dot that says, oh, the places you'll go. Here's a green dot that says, wish you were here. Hmm. We have to destroy this rug because it's been watching us and knows what we're doing. I can't tell if it's a map or just like a really weird pattern. You said map before. It looks like a map.

And when you get closer to look, it's like there are words on here. And it's putting us in particular places. But more than one, are we in more than one place? Yeah, I guess there's three of us. I know what to do. We have to go fucking rug nuts on this thing. I'm gonna kick it in its rug nuts. And I shall set it aflame. Galeevelektin-kama.

Oh, it's screaming. Keep kicking it in the nuts. And I shall set it aflame, Galeaivlickton comma. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Oh, it's screaming! Ugh! Keep chickening nuts! Keep chickening nuts! Ugh! Right here, rug nuts!

How do you know those are the nuts? Ugh! Because it's between two corners. Ugh! You're asking us about nuts? We know nuts. Oh, that's true. This is Yusador.

This is Chant. And we're kicking a rug in the nuts. I think the rug is dead. You guys want to try on some more masks? I mean, yeah. Yeah. Oh, Arnie, hey, yeah. What if the what if the artifact we're looking for? What if the artifact is the rugs we kicked along the way? more masks. I mean, yeah. Oh, already. Hey. Yeah. What if the artifact we're looking for? What if the artifact is the rugs we kicked along the way? Hmm.

Yeah. In that case, we'd be done. That doesn't sound right to me. Let me check my, let me check my satchel and see if I, I should I'll consult my pages from the website. Yeah, your satchel or pages. Whatever you want to do Yeah, it was not a fact or art of track while you so was busy doing the boring work Uh-huh, how you doing buddy? You've been through a lot like you were trapped for a while your shape shifting was out of control

You had a near death experience. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's out of control, you could have a near death experience. Yeah, that's right, that's right. That's a lot. What did I have a near death experience? When you were a sand castle and the water wash and the waves, yeah, I was near to death because I almost died. Yeah.

When I think of near death experience, I think of like, I'm next to someone and they die and I'm like, well, that could have been me. But yeah, I almost died. Well, what I was thinking was a bit of a contradiction. Yeah, do you know what contradictions are? I do and I don't Eureka You're a guy. I have found it. I found what we need to know Yeah, we are looking for an artifact in a terrible castle

What the fucking that's what we already knew. Oh right right. Let me give you a. What the fuckin' that's what we already knew? Oh right, right, let me give you a few more minutes. What the fuckin'? What the fuckin'? Arne, buddy, you said we're going bug nuts. Buddy, Arne, how are you doing? Because you were also trapped in the shattering and you were in this castle and you were stabbed before that.

Like I was already kinda like losing it. Before this even started. Yeah, how are you doing, buddy? I keep saying that like I'm doing better than other people because you have to imagine that during the fragmenting, there's some people that are stuck in a fragment that is just all water and so they're drowning constantly.

So like, I am doing better than that. Yeah, I feel like anytime when I was in the breaksees, I guess we're still in breaksees, but the three of us are together. When someone would talk to me and be like, how are you doing? I felt like I couldn't say good. I'd have to be like, well, you know,

or as well as anyone can. You know, that's so weird. It's so weird. You know, the weirdest part is that the regular store was thriving. Oh, what's that? Oh, no, you're right, you're yeah. Oh, God, I'm just saying. No, no, you're right, you're running a rug and then that's.

No, you're right, that is. Yeah, that's just something I never thought I'd do. What the hell are you sure is thriving? I feel like, yeah, I feel like he's gotten more powerful. I feel like, I feel like this is his bag. Like this is, he's in his comforts, you know, he's in his comforts and this is his wheelhouse. Yeah, because he's storing all his wheels here.

Look at this one. I know. So many wheels. You sorry? Get your fucking wheels out of here. What's that? What? Keep your wheels outside.

Where wheels belong. You don't want these wheels here? No. Then I shall destroy them with my mind. Hey. Why don't you put your hand out of your destroying them with your mind? To focus my mind.

Yeah, you destroyed it with your hand. Damn! I'm onto you. Damn, that's... You know what that reminds me? I've seen you in the morning say I'm going to eat this breakfast with my mind. And then you just start spooning cereal into your mouth. Yes, if I didn't have a mind.

How would my arm move to pick up the spoon and place the cereal within my mouth? Think about that with my mind. What'd you find in your central pages? Oh, yeah, yes Oh Great and wondrous news I have for the it says that the artifact will be Unmistakable unmistakable Sigh, yeah, you're gonna see that shit and And you're gonna be like, that's the artifact. Clearly. Like there will be no question in our mind.

It might even just say, I'm the artifact. If it's a person, it will have a t-shirt that says, I'm the artifact. What if the artifact is with something and the thing it's with has a t-shirt that's pointing to the artifact that says, I'm with artifact? Could that happen? Yes. Even clearer then. Arnie, can we sell t-shirts to have an arrow pointing to the left that say I'm with artifact?

Yeah. Wow, we're gonna be rich. We have so many t-shirts to catch up on because I didn't have. Well, no. I'm having Talbot keep a scroll of all the things you say. Can we make a t-shirt out of that? Yeah, it's huge. Let this duo of garments be our guide as we search for the artifact within this castle. Dear Chuck, read some of the scroll. These are some of the things that you said,

do we make a t-shirt out of that? Yeah, put on this Stevie Mask while you do it. Okay, we have Get Wet. What else do we have here? Ving Bang. I ate it all the potato chips. Leo squishing it. What else? We have I am use a dork. My pants. Can I ask when you're reading a book between Sonsus? Yeah, and you're reading a book between Sonsus? Yeah, do you say what? Yeah, I'm working in the room. Oh, you don't work the crowd when you're reading a book?

What else? What else? Arnie, you learned it by watching you. Wow, what's next? Very well then, we shall turn over every bit and bobble in this castle. We shall tear it apart. We shall rip out every piece of foundation if we must define this artifact. I am certain now that it is here within these walls. For there are other castles here, upon strong guy Island, but none more terrible than the keep of Skullmaster himself.

Can I get a biscuit? This is fucking scrumptious. What else do we have here? Oh wait, you know, I'm so sorry, Chad, I was mistaken. I'm realizing taking a closer look at this scroll. What else is a frequent suggestion for a T-shirt idea? Oh, okay, I see. I see. What else? What else is a frequent suggestion for a t-shirt idea? Oh, okay, I see. I see.

What else? What else? Yeah, it's on here several times. Okay, here you go, Talbot. Um, huh, buh buh buh buh buh buh. What could be an artifact? I just, I just think we just thoroughly look through everything. Like, the artifact is our main goal,

but anything else we can find that's useful to defeat Skullmaster to defeat the Dark Lord to just like make for a good podcast episode Yes, anything we can I exactly any any piece of a femur that will help us destroy the Dark Lord or to kill Skullmaster What a finally defeat Krelbaugh the any of these things what? I'm so sorry. Yes. Oh, he doesn't know what a finely defeat Krelbaugh, any of these things. We should take any of them. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Make sure that we watch. Whoa, I'm so sorry.

Oh, he doesn't know what a femur is. I mean, I don't entirely, but I'm willing to let that slide. Who's Krelbaugh? Krelbaugh. Krelbaugh? I've, yeah, I've, I've surely talked about Krelbaugh before. I don't think so. Jen, is he talking about Krelbaugh?

Yeah, all the time. Who's Krelbaugh? Crelbar before. He's a Duke. Duke Crelbar, and he's insufferable. He's not quite as bad as Baron Ragoon. He has not aligned himself with the Dark Lord. I'm going to fuck up his shit too. What's his base of operations? Like is he on Stronger Island or someplace else?

He used to be in a small shire called Vemmer and he renamed it Crale Barland. Oh, what a prick. Don't like that guy. I'm fucking prick. Crale bar. Not like Vemmer much better But yeah, but it's better than Crale Barland. Crale Barland. Look like what you call a place use the doorland Yes, I absolutely would aren't you don't know about use your land? land? No, what's your- no, what's the use of the land? It's my dream when I retire. I'll build a beautiful park, and I'll name it the use of the land. And children from all over the world shall come, and they shall be entertained in this butiest place,

and parents shall come and put up with it. Yeah, and people will enjoy his theme park, and not just think of him as a pair of tits. Dallywood. I'll get the respect he deserves. But please, I would like some reassurance as you said or that in you said or land there will be proper security measures so that the giant you said or is don't get loose and start attacking all the people in the park. Giant usadors. What a good idea.

I mean, usadors, they would have a bunch of giant usadors, right? Well, no, I was thinking more of hiring actors who are just starting out to just dress up like me and go around and meet people so they wouldn't be giant necessarily. They would be relatively normal human sizes. But they would possess wizard DNA, right? Oh yes, absolutely. Oh, we kind of fun. But they'd also be neutered so they can't reproduce, right? Look, this is my fucking dream.

Wait, wait, I'm so sorry. I do have one more question about Yusudorland. So you have these actors, so if an actor decides they're gonna dress up as Yusudor, like how long do you think they're willing to do that for? On average. And if they take off the robe, are they ruining the illusion?

Yeah, you know, at first, they'll be very excited about it. It'll be quite seem like quite the opportunity. And then the actual process of putting on those clothes every day will surely become burdensome and uncomfortable and unpleasant. And then they'll wish they had just decided to do something else. While they enjoy working in Yusudorland and see that they're making people happy and wish they could do that without specifically the costume, they certainly would do it that way if they had it

to do over. And tell Arnie about the secret underground tunnels you're gonna have for the actors in this magical kingdom. We're going to hire 14 gophers, and they are going to dig tunnels just large enough for relatively normal sized humans. Then the actors will have to push themselves through these tunnels, is if they are the very lifeblood of Yusuroland. And also, if anyone starts to die in Yusurland, what we're going to do is magic them away somewhere else so that we can claim that nobody has ever died in Yusururland. Isn't that cool? That's what my favorite parts for sure.

And all the employees are going to live in an adjacent little neighborhood called Party Town. Party Town? Yeah! Party Town? Come on! But if you look at Party Town, like you can kind of do whatever you want, right? They're no like weird rules and parties. No, no, no, no.

Party Town is not Party City. Party City is where there's no fucking rules. Oh yeah. Yes. Any old thing goes. Party City was the original name of Vemma. They voted to call it Vemma for some reason. And then, uh, Krelbaugh showed up, stupid prick that he is. And he insisted they call it Krelbawlat.

Which basically is my idea. Oh. Arnie, when you retire, what kind of land do you want to make? Hmm. I don't know. Do I have it in me to either buy myself or collaboratively make up a whole land that wasn't there before. I don't know. I don't know if I could ever do anything quite that amazing. Stop staring out the window, you fucking idiot. Well, can I ask you a question? If I love question about that though? Yeah. Let's say hypothetically, you are going to make up an imaginary land.

Or some kind of world building. Yeah. If you were going to do that, would you place yourself in a position where you're kind of stuck in a single location? Or would you rethink how you did that? Hmm, you don't want, I think I would probably want something that isn't just in one location, but then I would constantly end up still just in one location

for long periods of time. Sure, okay, yeah. And when you build this world, would there be like a clear goal to the world? Or would people who visit just kind of meander and like stumbling to walls and stuff? I think a little bit, a clear goal, no. But there'd be a fair amount of meandering, but there would be a goal. Okay. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah. Great, so we're looking for an goal. Okay. Go, go, go, go.

Yeah. Great, so we're looking for an RT fact. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah. I think I have a clear goal. I think you should always saying it right the whole time. We're looking for an RT fact. So, okay, here we go.

Did you know that most paintbrushes are made out of horse hair? Hmm. I did know that. Look around, look around, anything. Anything? Hmm. That was an artifact. Aren't you two one? Uh, did you know that one of Howard Stern's, uh,

co-hosts struggled with drug addiction for a long time? That's an artifact. They gave someone on Earth named Stern Howard, his own show. Oh yeah. Huh, is it good? He went well. Yeah, it depends on who you ask. Let's say do I have an artifact.

Ah, yes, I know. Statues as mobiles. Ooh, Statues is marbles. Hmm. Was that it? Was that it? Guys. Guys. Was that it? Was that it? Guys, we have spent five years just free associating words and looking around and seeing if we accomplished anything.

It's set on the pages that it would be unmistakable. So for question in it, that's not it. Oh, no, guys, look, look, look, look, look on the floor. Oh, there's two little kid rugs. Oh, that rug was a, that rug was a parent. Oh no. Oh fuck. I think Arnie, I think we have to raise these rugs. Should I just bring the other rug back to life?

Oh, I mean, yeah, I guess you could do that, but will we ever learn? Probably not. Heh heh heh heh. Here, now that I've gained such power during the Shattering, let me resurrect this rug from the very afterlife. YEEE. O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- that drip paint. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! No!

Why are you beating up this rug again? It's back to life so you can feel pain again. And we literally just said we weren't going to learn anything. That's true. But no, no, you said we already had it right. He didn't learn anything. Ugh! By not listening to what you said, we all didn't learn anything, so he's still correct.

Ugh! Ugh! Wait, why are you guys kicking this rug in the nuts? Now, listening to what you said literally weren't going to learn anything! Alright, I'm leaving this room. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, Shattering version, where the shattering is still happening, but we've freed ourselves from all those bothersome stakes. User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young, slowly improving his skills until he finally levels up to become Matt Berry on what we do in the shadows. Go listen, I'll wait. Speaking of not waiting for other people to finish their idea, Chant the Talking Badger

was played by Adol Raffai. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekam, Matt Young and Adol Raffai, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas, this episode edited by Sage GC. Special assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. In much the same manner as the little bit of thick plastic grass provides special assistance to your order of takeout sushi. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Labang. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Today's episode from Castle Skullmaster brought to you by

the Reverb Filter in Soundforge. Reverb Filter, you just sit in your tragic studio garden apartment while we take care of the rest. You're the best!