Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 58 - Bastard (w/ Greg Hess)

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

We meet an angry boy that just might be Skullmaster's secret son.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSkullson Bastard : Greg HessMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Stephen DrangerSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth. The following podcast is not real. But you knew that. Let's see what else. I had dinner at the most wonderful restaurant last night. I know you're thinking, favorite character, aren't we supposed to not do that right now? There is a way to go about it safely. And that's to wait for all the staff to go home then break into the restaurant and make

whatever you want. I was in some little hole in the wall, owned by a woman named Wendy, and I whipped up the most velvety beef bourgagnon. Apparently, it's only on their secret menu. Then after a quick bath in their economy-sized frosty machine, I was off. You must try it. Now, when we last left our heroes, they had circumvented the effects of the shattering, and were making their way around Castle's skullmaster.

But can they drag out that story point for a good 7-to-19 episodes before having to make some kind of tangible progress? That's as close as we get around here to suspense. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from Castle Skull Master. A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, Darni Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Five and a half some years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the

magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional riff, and I use that to upload a podcast chronically our quest to defeat the Dark Lord. We are currently trapped in Castle Skull Master but we're using this opportunity to just like tear shit apart. I am joined as always by my co-host Chump the Talking Badger. Get wet. How you doing bud? Good. How are you doing? I'm doing okay. I'm starting to get a little bit more acclimated to being social after sort of being trapped away from you guys for a while. Ooh acclimated. Someone's been reading a Thessal risk. I have. I am also getting used to being around other people. Very good. Impressive. Do you want a sticker? Yeah. I have these little gold star stickers you said or gave me. Yeah, please.

Right here. Right on my shirt. He said that when you put them on someone, their vocabulary increases tenfold. Oh, I can feel the vocabulary increasing tenfold in my wordplay. Yep. Worked. I guess he didn't say that you would immediately start talking with that Abelary increasing tenfold in my wordplay. Yep, worked. I guess he didn't say that you would immediately start talking with that vocabulary just that it's in there somewhere. It takes several years to take effect. Several years. Well, I am joined also by my other co-host, Yusudor the Wizard.

I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of magical lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus, the Elves Numius Fyingalak, the Dwarves Numi is Zonin in Huk Stenges, and I am known in the North East as Gasmeneus Mastar, but here I have taken upon a new name, a new name here in Skolmester Castle, and that name is the guy who fucks shit up. Yeah. Yeah, who's? Because I'm here to kick ass and take names.

Yeah, we're getting a guy. Oh, fucks shit up, that's the name. Well, I had to come up with my own. Usually I travel and I meet, or I travel to a mystical forest. I meet a group of elves and they say, ah, the forest here, this is fying yalak. And I say, oh, that sounds great, all right.

Isn't it weird that everywhere you go, people are kind of rude to you? What do you mean? Well, you go someplace and they're like, oh, traveler, what is that name? They're like, I tell them I am used to door the blue and they translate it into their tongue. And I never bothered to translate it back, so I assume that these names mean used to the blue and not something...

Rude. Doesn't your alvish name mean the... Screechers? Right, alright, alright. Um, yes, perhaps some of them have been misguided in their exact pronunciation. But, errrr, it matters not to me, for I am still the great hero of food, who shall gather a retinue of heroes ready to take on the Dark Lord and Skull Master and Crelbar, Duke of Crelbar land.

Crelbar has come out of nowhere. What are you talking about? I've been talking about him for years. Yes. Last week is the first time ever that you've heard of Crelbar. All right. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, look at you.

You said you're a shirt. It says Crelbar. What? He's wearing a Crelbar T-shirt. Why are you wearing a Crelbar T-shirt over your shit stained robes? Well, first of all, I take a, I'm so sorry, I should say first of all,

Arnie, you should clarify that's bird shit stained robes because otherwise, people's imagination start to run wild. Okay, it's mostly bird shit. That was exactly what I was about to say. First of all, it isn't just shit, it is bird shit, which is wonderful, just like the birds who pooped it onto me. Yeah, and he's not eating off his shirt, so it all works out. Secondly, I've always hated Kroba,

I'm always going to hate Kroba, but more importantly, we must defeat the Dark Lord, we must find the artifact hidden here in the castle, the artifact that when we see it, it shall be unmistakable. And thirdly, nobody noticed that I'm wearing shorts. Steeda da da da da da da da da da da. Oh! Unmistakable in every way.

Or need you like my cord to write shorts? Unmiss. I do, although when you get up from the table, you can just really hear you walking in those cord to write shorts. Oh. Did you know that there's only four pairs of these shorts ever made? I'm surprised there are that many. Each pair is made from a quarter of Roy.

He was flayed, you see. What a faggot. What a faggot. Unmistakable to beautiful. We're still getting used to socializing. We still have a little further to go. You sure it isn't crude enough. That was enough for me.

You know, for the last week, we've, the three of us have really only checked out one room, which was the butt room. Well, we're out here in this beautiful garden in the back of the castle. Oh, it is beautiful. There's so many bees and there's so many birds and they're fucking... What, what do they do that. Why, why they fuck? You think the bees will sleep with the bees and the birds will sleep with the birds so that they could, you know, their species could survive but they keep sleeping with each other

so their species die off. It's very strange. Yeah, you see, Anion, Foon, birds as birds and bees as insects and they don't have sex to procreate. They just do it for fun. You think that we stumble upon like a beard or a burry... A beard? Yeah.

Oh, I can transform my beard into a beard. A beard of bees? Haughty, not Cheerios! See now I have a beautiful beard of bees. Now see, I heard that if a bee just wanted to fuck bees, to hide that back from the other bees, they would date a bee or, which is a bird, that they pretended like they were dating.

Yeah, that's right. Already, oh, speaking of bees, you saw an iron we're talking about maybe since you have a sticker now that's increased your vocabulary. Indubitably. Whoa, we were saying we should have a spelling bee. Okay. So your word is consternation.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm gonna change my beard back into a regular beard so we don't have to listen to this the whole fucking time. Regular Cheerios! Ooh, now it's a beard of snakes. How f-! I got hard to look at. Hoggerade Cheerios!

Ooh, beard of geese! Shhh! Cheerios! Normal beard. Oh, thank goodness. Butos! Normal beard. Yeah. Oh, thank goodness. But not a wizard beard. Damn.

Arnie, your word is consternation. Okay. Oh, I'm feeling some consternation. Okay, can you, uh, can you use it in a sentence? Another sentence? Uh, uh, still feeling that consternation. Damn it.

Okay, then, trick us. Tell us the language of origin. Um, food? Great. Okay, then trick us. Tell us the language of origin. Fun? Great. Yeah, you win. Wow, see? The sticker is paying off already.

Should we have him try to spell it? No, I think he's. I think he's done enough. He's good. I don't want to break him. I don't want to break Arnie. Speak for yourself. Hey guys, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Is it just me? Or it looks like, you see that shrubbery over there there behind chump the one that keeps tiptoe and closer To one yeah the one that keeps like lifting up and then you can see two feet under that kind of go Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do more of a ticker ticker See wait Yeah, yeah, are you friend are you foe are you friend or are you foe See you, wait. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, we know not yet. Be you friend or be you foe.

And this world in which I have no sion, he hates whoever planted him. Well sir, I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Turokus, the elves Numius Fyingyark, the dwarves Numius Zonen who exchanges and I'm known in the North East as Gaspanius Mast May star and all of those names are not rude So I am a bastion of goodness and I am here to tell thee if thou on evil do I shall strike thee down You're a wizard with that beard. It's a sort of a chin strap beard. I'll be right back I shall unveil myself Hello friends unveil yourself. Unvalue yourself, you're not a bush. What do you weigh, like, 16 stone?

I am... I'm four stone, and 30 hands high. That seems... I don't know what this is. I'm really... I'm really tall and thin. Oh. Congratulations. Must be nice.

Not for King Gilling. King Gilling. What King are you gonna kill? And can we chronicle it? All will chronicle it when it is finally done. I've been crouching in this dark, in the shadowing, in this mist for a nigh on three year until he emerges.

He who I think is my father. Oh, you said or you think you think you said or is your dad? Hey, you said or. No, no, no, no. Look what you did. What did I do? Not him. Oh, there said or you think you think you said or is your dad hey you said or no yeah look what you did What did what did I do not him oh? Not the father sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah No, there's no possible way that's rude. I'm sorry. Oh, who do you think your dad is Bush? My father. My father is Skolmaster

Wow, I am the bastard son of Skolmaster Oh here for revenge against one of our enemies. I say to you The enemy of mine enemy is my friend. Join us friend, here. Have. Take a seat, take a seat. Thank you, I'm so tired. I really haven't eaten for a long time. It's been hiding in this bush for a really long time.

It sounds like you've been crouching behind that bush for three years. Yes, I just, you know. Just waiting for him to come out into the garden. But tonight, tonight he comes out. And tonight I shall strike him down. Hmm. Oh, should one of us tell him, uh, what makes you think he's going to come out tonight? Um, all the signs point to this, the stars hang in alignment. The moon grows dark. I hear the whisperings

in my ear of destiny. These are the things that I have told myself that indicate the time is now. Now I usually don't put much faith in prophecies, but a prophecy that you've made for yourself. That is a powerful magic. It's not easy to whisper into your own ear. I've sort of had to make a lot of prophecies for myself, kind of like my whole life pretty much.

Profit size for the future you want. Yeah, well, you know, when you're a bastard, you kind of have to do that, you know, because it's pretty tough. Yeah. I guess I don't know what good, like bastard questions are. I have one, friend, what is thy name? Last name bastard.

Ah, correct, to the point. First name, Skolson. Ah. Correct. To the point. First name, Skullsson. Ah, also very revealing. Skullsson bastard is my name, and therefore I do think that I am the bastard son of he, Skullmaster. But I was adopted, so I'm not really, really short. Oh, what are your, what are your parents' names? Your adoptive parents.

Oh, Roy and Linda Bastard. Oh, you are a bastard, son. Yeah, well, well that that was coincidence that their last name was bastard That had nothing to do with that they were immigrants and they changed their name when they got here. Oh got you What was your original name the Jitamati? Classic they must have gone through Ellis Ethmus yes, they came through the isthm, and there they were forced to change their name from legitimate to bastard. Then they adopted me and gave me the name, Skullsson Bastard.

But for years, I have known that inside this very dark place, there is the one who planted the seed who gave me my name and left me to be bred by those bastards. But your bastard parents gave you your name, right? They gave me the name. Destiny gave me the truth. Ooh, I love that. Arnie, when he said bred by those bastards, I just got so hungry. Do you have any carbs?

I mean, come on. You have carbs, come on. All right, fine here. I have some hot dog buns in my pocket. Both of my parents, Roy and Linda were bakers. They made bastards bread company. Are you familiar? No!

Oh, do you have any? Yeah, of course. I've always got some. Do you want the bagels or? Yeah, but if you have them. These bastards make good bread. That's the only good thing they gave me. Oh, oh, this is, this is well bread.

It's white bread, it's really good. Do you have any milk toast? Oh, yes. Do you want it soaked in milk or do you want it dry and then you dunk it in your own milk? Buster's choice. Can I say that? Yeah, everyone else does.

Thanks, you fucking bastard. Now, Legitamati is a classic megosian name from the Isle of Migos. Am I correct? Yes, that's correct. What brought them to Foon proper? And specifically, I assume he had a strong guy island where we are now.

Well when they were driven from Migos by the three Migos they came here. And of course there's not well-made bread here it's more of a Migos tradition and so they opened up a small bakery and of course that is how I came up as the bastard son of bastard bread company making those bastards bread. But ever since I was a young man stoking the bread fires of bastard's bread company, I knew that a dark shadow hung around the door and that was skull masters. And that given the chance, I would strike him down, dead.

Plus I'm really tall and thin and that both my parents don't, they look nothing like me. I mean, look at me. I'm like a tall popsicle. Well, you know you're adopted though. They told you you're adopted. Yes, they told me I'm adopted and therefore I put two and two together and I know, I know that I am his son. I'm not totally, I don't totally know, but I know what are the clues that your skull masters are like. I'm tall. I'm thin I'm filled with anguish and pain and look at my left hand. Oh

It's kind of bony it's a little bony. It's very bony. It's very bony I mean it's kind of ring on it's kind of bony. It's basically bone on bone I basically don't have anything going. I mean, I'm constant pain. He's definitely some skin and muscle and sinew there, you know. And your other hand is a little meat. Yeah, relatively, your other hand is meatier. I'll grant you that. Yes, this one is very meaty because this is the one that I made bread with. And this one I refused to make bread with and it just stayed sort of a bone hand. So maybe it's just underdeveloped. Maybe you just need to start

kneading with that other hand. I'll never start needing with this hand. The only thing I need is the crown snatched from the skull of skull master and I shall show him the skull hand and I shall say unto you, sir, you shall rule the day. And how are you gonna, sorry if you've already mentioned this, how are you gonna kill your dad? You're gonna like bake him to death or what?

I'm gonna choke him with my skull hand. Oh, nice. Do you know what they call it when you need with the other hand? The stranger. Oh, I've done that, it works, yeah. Yeah, sometimes I'll sit on my hand and then I'll choke it.

Sometimes dogs will chew on my hand. Sometimes the children as I was growing up would take my hand and they would throw it and they would say, go bastard, run to the dogs. Get your hand from the dogs. Of course, I was growing up would take my hand. They would throw it and they would say, go bastard, run to the dogs. Get your hand from the dogs. Of course, I was still attached to the hand. So they were throwing me as well. Drunk kids.

I was going to say, if your hand came off, that's more of a clue to me. Like that feels like a very classic skeleton thing, a removable hand, you know what I can't really take the hand off. It's okay. But they would sing bastard songs at me and they would say, go get your bastard, bony hand bastard boy.

I would love to hear some. Yeah, I don't know if it's a painful memory, but I'd love to hear a bastard song. Yeah, and also in defense of those kids, your last name is bastard. Right, well, I know, but that's the whole thing. Like, I'm getting bullied twice over, you know what I mean? No, I think they're just saying your name.

They didn't know I was a bastard, but that was the deeper truth okay yeah again i don't know these kids but i'm just saying let's hear some of it oh with the bastard song yeah there goes the bastard boy playing with his bastard toys take his hand he better run put some pistols in his bum Put them further Put them down Rub them all around It's the bastard boy

Bastard boy It's a real bastard boy Sorry, sorry Is there still more Bastard boy I think we got it from here Bastard Oh, boy.

Oh, okay, there you go. Ah, those kids could carry a tune. Very melancholy there at the end. Well, it's the bastard's tune. Some of it, like the fizzles in the bum part, just definitely feels like bullying. But the song has a kind of loving, mournful tone to it. Well, it's played on a flute with two notes.

That's also called the stranger. Play played most definitely with a skeleton's hand Well, perhaps we should take a quick break and then when we come back We can tell Skolson bastard that Skolmasters isn't here at the castle right now. What hey what oh Let's take a break All right, we're back here with Skolson Bastard, who has been kind of freaking out over the entire break when he found out that Skolmaster is not actually here in Kassel. I just don't understand where does he go. Just breathe. Where did he go?

Just breathe. I just, you know, I can't go back to the bakery. It's just, I don't want to work there. Well, did your parents ever confirm your parentage? Did they ever say that Skolmaster was definitely your parent or did they tell you a different story? They never would confirm, but they did once a distant memory from cradle. I remember this, peering up as my mother rocked me to sleep,

and then in the doorway, a form with the face of a skull. My mother went to him and they embraced. It was only until years later that I found a skull mask in my father's belongings, and it just seemed like something that they were doing to sort of I don't know spice up the marriage or something. Oh yeah we just did that last week. Yeah a little mask play. Well mask play. You know it's just it's a classic I saw daddy kissing skull master situation. Wait I'm sorry I saw mommy kissing skull master. Well that's the same. That's similar

though. That works. That's what I thought. But then the very next week, the same thing happened. Father was putting me to sleep. And there in the doorway, large form, a man's form with a skull mask. Father went to him and was embraced by him and kissed him. It was only later that I found out that that my father also enjoyed sleeping with people with skull, the skull as a face. Sure. Yeah, they sound like a loving but kinky family, and that's, we're not gonna, we're not here to Yuckity Wenziam.

Uh, there, I say, uh, onto these, Skolson. Uh, why not reconnect with these people who toil their lives attempting to give the good home and a trade that the house could plie so that you could have coin in nine pocket and bread in nine stomach The bastard. Yeah, the bastard Roy and Linda. Oh, that would be impossible Did they get eaten by a seahorse? You use the reward of the chances that that's it. Well, he said he can't connect with them So I assume something terrible's happened to them were they crushed by a boulder that was thrown by an orc? Oh, and I'm sorry, I should

explain Skolson and Arnie. Usually, I've been taking actuary courses through mail. So he's trying to determine different ways people can die and all that. So just bear with us worse than all that. Did they jump into a volcano because they found out they had cancer, but it turned out it wasn't true. And then they floated away on some suitcases. Actually closer to that one, we are. Okay, okay. One night, I came back into the bakery.

It was quiet. It's never quiet in a bakery. A bakery is one of the loudest places you can be. I called out Roy, Linda, then I called out louder, Roy, Linda. I looked everywhere except for the last place. The burning hot oven, when I opened it, I looked inside and there, there they were.

Two burned skeletons dancing in the flames. Oh, dancing! What? At least they were having fun. What a way to go. You sure wasn't like, air escaping their dead bodies? Like, they were full on dancing? I used the poetic term dancing in the flames.

They were both dead. They were both burning in the oven. Oh. You have to ask yourself, the famous five W's of bakery. Who? Wheat, wear, rye, and whin. And white. And white, sorry.

Who? Wheat, white, rye, and whin. But it. Sorry, who wheat white, rye and when, but it's rye with a W, right? So it's like, hum-hum, hum-hi. Yeah. Oh, Arnie, that stickers really pay enough. Mm-hmm. I knew when and I knew rye. I definitely knew white.

I didn't know who. Are you certain these were your adoptive parents skeletons and not just two random skeletons that liked to hang out in fires? Or two skeletons that your parents were fucking? Oh, good, good question, honey. All of that is entirely possible. I didn't know. I ran from that place and I've never returned

straight to this garden to wait. To put to death he who took my parents from me. He who gave me these adopted parents and then took them away or to giant skeleton cookies that they were going to bake and then take out of the oven and then fuck. I can't say all of that is possible. I had a pretty tumultuous upbringing as do most adopted kids. To be fair, you said bakeries are the loudest place to be and you shouted out their names a couple times. Maybe they just didn't hear you. Maybe they are in the other

room, getting ready to eat those big skeleton cookies. I never check the other room. I'll never go back there. I'll never check that room. When you make an assumption, you go with it. That's something I've noticed about you, Skolson. You know what they say about assumptions? No. Well, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and Miptian. Any of you met Miptian yet? I know. Because you don't want to make an ass out of him. Sure.

He'll stab your eyes out. You ever see how pointy his fingers are? He's not a skeleton, but he has pointy fingers. Arnie, you haven't met so many people. It's true. Why don't you get out more? Why don't you socialize a bit? You have to need to start networking.

Well, I can't go anywhere. That's right. Skullsson, can I ask when if you were really school master son wouldn't you be like Scully masterson? Scully Masterson or scully scullenberger Well scully scullen bookers the guy who landed the dragon on the moat and saved everyone That guy seems great. And it was La Hardia. To do.

You know, I did find just, we were searching the castle where I was on my own. I went to the library, I went to the butt room, I went to the trampoline room, and I found a birth certificate hidden in one of the books, and it said Scully Masterson. Scully Masterson? Yeah. Maybe that was your birth name. My birth name. I finally know my birth name.

Yes, it must be me. Maybe somebody else. Probably it makes me. No, it makes me. No, it's not. No, you've found me. No A birth name. Scully Masterson is a birth name and it is mine.

It must be. It must be. I'm assuming it. Wait, you're assuming it. Don't do it already. Don't do it. I'm assuming it. I assume. And assuming it already. Don't do it. I'm assuming it. I assume.

And now it's mine. Scully Master's in. No longer am I Scullsson bastard. I am now a Scully Master's in. Now, Arna, you said that you really liked Scully. Oh, yeah. Well, you know what? From my experience, a Scully is always a skeptic.

They're not willing to just take something on faith right away, except for her faith, which you will accept on faith. Yeah, it seems like a skeptic tank is real full. Now, scully, Masterson. Uh, since you realize now that a skull master isn't currently in the castle, what are some of the ways you could plot to help us kill him? We've been wanting to kill him so bad and I really want to help you.

Even if you try not to be a son, what you probably are. Oh, you're here to kill him as well? Oh yeah, I'm gonna kill Skull Master, I'm gonna defeat the Dark Lord, and then I'm gonna take down... Krelbar. Fucking Krelbar. Oh, and we also have to open up a Yustor land. Well once I retire, yes, my dream is to open used to a land where people dress up like used to

and children have a wonderful time. Also, I'm here to house it. You know what, this is pretty classic. Sort of basically everything I've ever tried to do, somebody just sort of swoops in and says, you know, you can't because you're the bastard and you know, somebody else does it. So, kind of adds up.

So you've had some other career turns that didn't go the way you'd hoped? Oh, yeah, I mean, basically everything I've tried. Like, I wanted to do those little robots, you know, the ones that are out on the river and bring people back and forth across the river. Mm-hmm. Like a fairy? No, like a skull. Just the two-seater.

Ah, okay. All right. Well, I tried to do that and people were like, you can't do that with that hand because you've got a little bony skeleton hand. Well, I'll just do it. So then I just, you know, I became just a guy writing around it a boat while someone else did it.

You know, I wanted to be one of those guys that like builds things, like uses a saw, but it's like a saw that makes little fine cuts. Oh, like a carpenter? No, like a skull saw. Oh, okay, all right. I wanted to be the person that used the skull saw and they were like, you can't do that

with that little skull hand. It's too small and weak. And so then I was just a guy standing around why other people got to do a skull saw? I know this is a bad word to say. I don't want to assume, but do people really say, you can't do that because of your hand

or people just telling you know and you're infer can't do that because of your hand or people just telling you know and you're inferring that they are talking about your hand? People don't like bastards doing anything. People don't want bastards with skeleton hands doing anything. Everybody knows it, but some of the most discriminated against people in all of food. Wait, hold on. so you think that bastards with a skeleton hand are the most discriminated group in all of fune? That's very specific. Oh I'm sure of it. I mean at least I assume I am. I mean I've done the research. Bastards with skeleton hands are some of the most picked upon person in all of fune. I mean I guess I'm technically the only one but no basically no one lets me do

anything. So if you're doing research then and you're the only one, but no, basically no one lets me do anything. So if you're doing research then, and you're the only one, what was the control group? Just the skeletons of my dead parents, I guess. No, come on circle back a little bit. I hate to dwell on your parents. Very healthy skeleton fetish. They named you Skolson? Yes. So they like, potentially, named you after their kink? I hadn't actually thought of that

But I guess so. I mean I didn't even say it but when I found them they had written a note Which was don't turn the oven on when you leave we're going to be having some private time in here But I had turned the oven on and then I left huh and by turn oven on you mean you chopped wood put the wood in the oven Put down some tinder, lit the tinder, wooded for the wood to catch fire, and then threw more wood on it. Yes, and the tinder was wet, so I had to go get more out by the hay pile, and then I couldn't find my flint, and so then I used a friction sort of device that I conjured, which was basically a piece of wood scraping against another piece of wood, and it took quite some

time. And all this time, you never saw your parents inside the oven, waiting for you to leave? If I was to say yes, you'd be under arrest. You know I used to be a sheriff. Then my answer is the same. I came, I called out, and I never, ever, ever thought that they would be inside the oven, dancing like skeletons in the light.

And then I thought for myself, this, this is the work of Skullmaster, and I must ascend. So a couple of things. It seems like you've murdered your adoptive parents. And you mentioned that you conjured something. Do you have magical powers? Sometimes I say conjured, you know, I went out, I found two sticks. Okay, okay. Okay. I have to take issue with this.

You didn't conjure jack shit. See, this is the thing. This is the thing. If someone makes fire, just because he has a skeleton hand, you think, oh, he can't conjure fire. No, that's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that you created a fire, certainly using the tools at your disposal, but you did not conjure them.

That is the realm of wizards and mages and witches and the like who have great magical prowess. Such as myself. Says the wizard with a chin strap beard. He has a chin strap beard. He can't be a wizard. All right, fine. I'm gonna go over, I'm going over to the stable

and I'm going to steal a horse's tail. What is that prove? How is weird? You know, I have to take Umberd with the fact, scully or scolson, you are wearing a tunic that says, ask me about my hand. It just seems like, I don't know. How come you guys didn't ask?

Because, well, you were in a bush when we first saw you. Why do you think I would hide it so? It's because no one asks. And then when I come out, no one asks. No one one asks about the hand no one asks about where I came from all they want to do is sing the song Chase me around put thistles in my bum. Tell me I can't row a boat Tell me I can't conjure things you know you see someone hiding in a bush and you might assume they have a machine head or something But we didn't know we don't know and we know, we don't care. We don't care. Thanks guys, you're right.

See, I just glued this horse tail here and it looks like I got a beard again. I think this shit in it. Damn, your beard is swatting at flies. There's so much blood coming off of one end of that tail. Oh, he cut it straight from the horse, my horse, of course. It was an evil horse. Straight from the horse's ass.

Well, Scully, we're on your side, buddy. We want to be friends with you. We don't care what your lineage is. We want to help you kill your dad, okay? How do you kill a skeleton? You said, you said choke him, but does he have lungs? That I do not know, for I've never actually laid eyes upon him. The closest I've ever gotten to seeing him is,

well, you know, the one night and then the other night and then the last night when my parents were both. And that probably wasn't him. I mean, it could have been. Right. I mean, I'm just saying sort of, like, that's the only skeletons I've kind of ever seen other than my skeleton hand. Yeah. Have you ever thought, like,

if you see like a real skeleton walking around, it might freak you out. Oh, oh, yes. Oh, yes. Nothing scares oh yes. Oh yes. Nothing scares me more than a skeleton. That's why I sleep with this hand underneath my body every night. Well, Chant was exactly right.

We want to help you succeed. Yeah, man, thank you, friends. I'm sorry that you feel that you've been uh, uh, made fun of or, uh, denied opportunities in the past, but I say that we are here to lift the up I say that we shall step out of theine way and allow you to kill schoolmasters long since I'm dead I'm fine. I want to assist you now, honey When did activities say schoolmaster would be back?

You know she didn't say when he'd be back. And we've talked to a lot of people that we've run into around the castle. No one seems to know exactly when. But your house sitting, you're in charge right now. I am house sitting, you know, plus the fragmenting is going on. So it's possible that Skullmaster wants to come back, but he can't get back yet.

I mean, I've been going for three years. I've got to open the big read tomorrow. It just is not going to be good if I leave it for three years and it's a day. People are going to be like, You think you're never going back? I mean, tonight was the night, you know? And then I kind of was like, I'm going to do this,

then I'm going to open the bakery, then I'm just going to, you know, everything's going to be fine. I'll kill my father and now it just seems like that's all sort of a toss up, you know? So this is a weird shame cycle. Where every night you swear you're going to kill your father. Your father doesn't show up.

You say you're gonna open the bakery, but then you wake up the next morning and it's like, you're like, oh, I'll get around to it. I didn't get up early enough. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'll kill my father tonight. I'll go home tomorrow and open the bakery. Am I kind of in the right area here?

Top of the bagel, bottom of the bagel. Top of the bagel is father, bottom of the bagel is bakery. It's an endless, oroborous of pain. Ooh, the Northern Lights. You know what, Skolson, maybe we can help you. Why don't one of us pretend to be Skolmaster and you can have a chance to practice what you would want to say to him.

Yeah, this will be therapeutic. It'll be like roleplay. I can choke one of you out. Oh, well. Yeah, this will be therapeutic. It'll be like rope like I can choke one of you out Well here, honey put on this mask Let me give you a skull master. All right. I'll put it on hey, man. It's TV. How you doing? Pepper, right? No, that's sorry. That's this TV mask. I give you the wrong mask Hang on here. No, it's one Why don't you let Skolson choke you with his hand? It's very hard to kill me. Yes, I shall pretend to be Skolmaster without a mask. I will just simply

Take my skin off for a while I was thinking you just taught like I don't Yes indeed it is the face of my father So you're saying like I can do a little role play. Yes, although I've got to say that I don't know at this point that's going to be therapeutic. It feels real creepy now. His face melted like he just stared at an arc. It's speaking to me as if I was your father and see if it helps. See if it's cathartic. Yeah, yeah, and I will be a waiter at this cafe. I love it. And Arnie, you're my manager who's shadowing me to make sure that I'm doing a proper job.

This is going to be hilarious. I thought I would just hang out on the edge and just in case like I come up with something funny, I'll come in as a button. And we'll kind of like sweep the, you love the edge. Or write this way, table for two. Oh, are you two related? I'm joking, have a seat, hear some menus, and I'll be right back with some water.

Thank you. Well, I bet you recognize me, don't you? I'm not sure if I do. Your hand seems pretty normal to me. Sorry, I forgot to mention some super fun specials we have. We're serving up, what, what, what, what, what, what, fart soup. This is awesome. This is so fun. Very good. So fine. I'll be right back with your water

Well, not that hand this hand. Yes, it's slightly smaller, but still covered with skin proving in no way that you are related to a skeleton father Feel my hand upon your throat You made my throat made a bone nice, idiot. Oh, that's just like you father never accepting me for who I am, never claiming me. Yeah, I didn't, you know, I should have said yes to that. Let's take it back. Yeah, and take it from the far soup. Yeah, it's far soup good. Should I, should I have made it something else? I like it. Okay. Yeah, I think it was fun. Yeah. Okay. Great. Let's take for them.

Let me, the special today is a photoshoot. Oh, that's good. I like the Migos XL. Oh, thank you. Look up here and look up here at the menu. And I'll be right back with those waters. Feel my hand upon your throat, father. Ah, yes, I feel your hand upon my throat.

My throat made of bone. Oh, I wish I had never given you up, father. Ah, yes, I feel your hand upon my throat, my throat made of bone. Oh, I wish I had never given you up, son. I wish I had raised you as my very own. If you only release my neck now, we can form a relationship together. Too late, father. It's too late for all that. And now you shall hear the song of the bastard in your ears, the last song you shall ever hear

Oh no I'm suffocating for some reason Here comes the bastard's hand claiming now the bastard's plan You were a shot about his hand? Fuck me Yes this is the song I mean I've had three years to write this John this is his moment let him have it Yeah I'm just saying this is fucking a wild. Here comes the bastard's hand choking now his father's plans. Feel it grasp around the bone. Look who's here. Your son's now home. Choke. Choke. I am dead!

For no reason! Oh! Oh, that felt really good. That felt really good. That felt right. Yeah, now you can go back and open the bakery tomorrow. And I, here, let me pull my skin back on. Whoa!

Oh! My eyeballs back where they belong? Oh! Oh! Real squishy. Oh, that's not where your eyes belong, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, too, but earlier. Oh really? Yeah, like almost immediately after meeting you. Oh, oh yeah, I mean, I guess, you know, once you kind of like get something,

have you ever had that thing where you like get something in your head and you just like really want to believe it? So then you'll do anything to make sure that it happens. That's right. I'll do anything to defeat evil in all its forms. I shall gather an army of the greatest fighters in all of the world and I shall find the artifact. And when I see it, it will be unmistakable.

I guess I can go back to the bakery now. May I even go back to Migos? Oh, return to your Migosian roots. How wonderful for you. What a... what a cathartic moment this must have been. I mean, with this hand, and this hand, I mean, the racks are too skinny. Also, I can't imagine you have many customers left with the hours you keep. Oh, yeah, I'm sure the bakery is in ruin. I should probably just start over. I mean, nothing can close for three years

and then open back up. Nobody can just close something and say, we'll be back and then not open it for three years. I could like doing even for three or four months, you're probably in a lot of trouble. Yeah, that's right. And I can't really bake. I, you know, the whole time I was just sort of like

planning how to get all this done. Well, you baked a plan to be fair. I just want to give you, I want to give you a win. You baked a plan and it was delicious. You know, this is weird. You used to, you know, you used to, you've been going on about Duke Crelbar all week

and you showed us that tapestry of him. I just noticed it now in this light. Am I crazy or does Skullson look a little bit like Crelbar all week and showed us that tapestry of him. I just noticed it now in this light. Am I crazy or does Skullsson look a little bit like Crelbar? Crelbar, that duke that I hate. The one that took over the town of Vermeer and changed it to Crelbar then. Vermeer that used to be party city. Yeah, all that, you know.

That guy. Is he tall? Is he thin? Yes. Does he only weigh a few stone tall and thin He doesn't weigh very much. It's sort of like a meaty hand and then like a thinner hand Crull bar is my father. What? I am the bastard son of Crull bar No, no, I'm just saying I know it. I'm just saying you look a little bit like him. Is just a nice thing I know it deeper than anything I've ever known.

Deeper than knowing that Skullmaster was your father? Deeper than the Thistles in your bum? Deeper than anything that's ever been placed inside me. Deeper than any father I've ever thought I've had. How many fathers have you thought you've had? Well, there was the guy who rode the boats. I thought he was my father. And so I went there.

There was the guy who ran the saw, the carpenter. I thought he was my father. There's a guy who made the boats. I thought he was my father. And so I went there. There was the guy who ran the saw, the carpenter. I thought he was my father. There was a guy who made board games. I thought he was my father because he had a game called Cranium and I thought, oh, that's fun. And maybe you're my father. And then it was, and then, and then skull master. So I guess that's four.

But now I know I'm totally set. My destiny is here. The bastard son shall take his dukekel throne back from his bastard-making father. He just got back inside the bush. Why do you do that? I? Need I always do I always do it in a bush. I always get inside a bush. No, he goes on He sort of reminds me of you you said or how dare you. Oh, no wait. That's fine. I like him. I like you, Scolson I like you all here my you are my boon companions Wonderful to hear if you ever need me you know how to reach no we don't

That's wait. He's running away. Please tell us how to reach you I love bread play the bread play the bastard's tune upon the tune. Oh, did bone Play the best it's tune upon the tune-oated bone flute. Hmm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh bastard Not just a father that I thought I had flowers in the bum too many days. Oh, he's giving us notes from afar He's still running so fast. I'll tell you about bastard. I'm really really a bastard No, that's not loose. You know, I got to say when you two were roleplaying, it really seemed like you had a connection, like a father-son connection. Do you think, think what? Do you think that it's possible that Skullsson has been my secret

at Sun this whole time? Have you ever, like, put on a skull mask and got freaky with a couple? Hell, yes. Oh, I don't think that was me. I mean, that's just a thing that people do. You put on a skull mask, you hook up with a couple and have a good time.

Show yourself on evening. It's pretty common. Yeah, I've put on a skull mask before. Although I didn't get freaky, me and my friends all put on skull masks, and then we beat the share of this kid at school. Oh no. No, it's fine, but then this old man showed up,

and he kicked our ass. He was some sort of martial arts man. That would make a great play. Maybe one to even rival a Tomaton Constable. Well, maybe I'll, maybe I'll write it. And then maybe I'll rewrite it. You should rewrite that play. I think an updated version of that play you haven't written yet would be great.

Yeah. Arnie, will you play the kid that I beat the shit out of? Wait, no. No, why would I volunteer for that? Are you macho enough to do it? Are you macho enough to do it? Uh, no. You think you're macho enough to do it? Oh. Hmm, I get it now. Teenage mutant injured turtles.

That was last week. Hey, guys, I'm back. I killed him. No. It only serves to illuminate why we can't pull off a multi-episode arc when some of us can't remember a four-line song for seven minutes. You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern. The show that began as a real housewives of Trenton Recap podcast, then through a series of near fatal creative direction missteps wound up here. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunked the talking Badger

was played by Adora Fyre. Skulls in Bastard, son of Roy and Linda Bastard, was played not by Martin Wilson having discovered confidence but by Greg Hess. Check out Greg's podcast Mega, an improvised satire set in a mega church. Addle appears in the most recent episode, but there's also some enjoyable ones elsewhere in their catalog. Follow the podcast on social media at Mega The Podcast, and listen to it wherever you get your podcasts.

Also look for Greg's first published book, Cowboy Poetry. Some free verse I jotted down while half doing a bunch of yoga poses I saw online, on shelves long before it's safe for anyone to go back into bookstores. Hello for the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adolf Refyre, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Stefan Dranger, Special Assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBam, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Damn it, a bit of exoskeleton must have broken off in the Frosty machine. Um, if you're in the greater Chicago area for the next three to five weeks, you may want to, um, sip your dessert beverage defensively.

You know, keep a cautious mouth, but really that advice applies to so many situations. Hmm, maybe Jack in the box tonight. Or maybe I'll go out and break into another restaurant. You