Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 6 - Lord's Brother (w/ Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

Diplomatic negotiations begin to secure Velsmeer's army in the fight against the Dark Lord. But Faustus Crum, the Lord's Brother, takes thing in an unexpected direction.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFaustus Crum: Thomas MiddleditchMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandAdditional Music: Tim JoyceYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Let's see, what else is disappointing? Oh, yes, there's a new Magic Tavern spin-off series, Earth Games exclusively on Stitcher Premium. Each week, Arnie, Usador and Shunt play a different classic game from Earth. This week, they play Scatter Gories with Momo the mouse with human strength. I'll have a clip for you after the episode. But if you're freaking out with anticipation, you can sign up now at Stitcher Premium.com slash Magical. Gories, with Momo the mouse with human strength. I'll have a clip for you after the episode.

But if you're freaking out with anticipation, you can sign up now at stitchopremium.com-slashmagic. Use promo code magic to get a free month. Alright, sit back and think of the mantra we have for season 3. Let's finally accomplish things. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arne Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About four and a half years ago,

I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king in Chicago. If you're familiar with Chicago, it's the one at the intersection of Irving and Clark. Anyway, I fell through that dimensional portal into the fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I am somehow still getting a Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King.

And we think that Wi-Fi signal is maybe actually coming from me or a splinter in my finger. I use that Wi-Fi to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the land of Foon chronicling our journeys around the land to defeat the Dark Lord. And I'm very excited that after weeks of trial.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just sitting in a room. And you are gulping like you just swam around. I know. It's just the tension of, you know, it's not like this would be a record for us if we kind of resolved a storyline and you know, less than a hundred episodes.

Yeah, wouldn't be well. In season three, we did something. I know we were out here. We're trying to make diplomatic alliances to help us fight the dark Lord. And if we can get some royalty here in Velsmere to join on with us, then we'll have really done something. Yeah, buddy.

Anyway, I record this podcast here, now in this anti-chamber in Velsmere, waiting to speak to some royalty. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Chant the Talking Bad Junction. Oh yeah, baby. How you doing bud? I'm doing good.

How's your weekend Vel smear bin? I've been with you the whole time. But how, if you had to rank it, how's it going? Good, I got some gambling in. Uh huh. I've been looking after my giant egg. It's good. Oh yeah, give me that, the problem has your childhood.

Yeah, there's some fungus growing on the shell, so I've been trying to pick that off. Yeah. And also I dipped it in vinegar, just in case I want to color it. Oh, did you know dipping in egg and vinegar helps soften the shell so you can color it? No, I did not know that. Yeah, just in case I want to dye it.

Oh, okay, seems risky, but whatever. You do you, excuse me. Hey, I'm also joined by my other co-host Yusador the wizard. I am Yusador. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical blights devour of chaos champion of the great holes of Tarakas the oh's nobius fianny Yelik the dwarves know me is zoning in who and Huk Stengen. Your name's really Bouncemob, the Zanachim. And known in the northeast as Gassmeneus Mastar, and there may be other secret names. Oh, names so powerful that if I ever dared to utter them aloud, then the sun would fall from the sky.

Hey guys, just so I don't embarrass myself, is it anti-chamber or anti-chamber? Oh, I mean, I think I... I don't want to embarrass with myself in front of royalty. Look, I think you're almost certainly in a barrister, so I don't like that. I don't like that too much. Yeah.

I think it's an anti chamber. Well, it's that thing of like, I could just not say it and that resolves it, but I know I'm going to say it. The minute I meet royalty, I'm just going to launch into it. Well, you needn't worry too much. For the person we are about to meet,

isn't actually royal. Oh, kind of. Is this going to be like last week where those guards like- No, no, no, no, no. This person is related to royalty and is our way into the royal family, and then we shall speak to them and gather their forces and have them join our quest to defeat evil. Arnie, is this what you call it? You said earlier it was like a Camilla Parka bowl situation. Uh, yeah, that's it.

This is exactly what that is. It is, it's a big bowl of Camilla Parker. It is, exactly. Was that her name? Mm-hmm. You said somebody who married interreality? Uh, yes, but I said it with deep sympathy and respect. Fair enough.

Uh, so you said, or, I've never really been part of a sort of diplomatic negotiation like, how is this going to work? Oh, yes, you must speak very cautiously when you parlay with those. Shit. So, which is it? Anti-oranty. If we have to speak cautiously, I say anti-chamber. You say anti-chamber.

Let's call the whole thing on. Hey, maybe you just try to avoid saying it. Like, it probably won't come up. There's probably no reason you need to say the name of the whole thing on it. Hey, maybe you just try to avoid saying it. Like, it probably won't come up. There's probably no reason you need to say the name of the room, where then. So if that's, if you're in your head about that, just like, let's sidestep that the whole time.

Right, yeah. Yes, but we show, like me, I don't talk about Camilla Parker-Bulls because I don't know that much about her. So I just, sir. Move past it. That's fair. So we must speak very kindly and in an elevated manner, and treat this person with a lot of respect.

And then, perhaps we shall gain some favor with them, and they shall and turn do a favor for us. Who I hear have you, footsteps coming. I can't tell if that's an echoey hall or if it's just a heavy footstep. This place is a little ominous. Might be a big person. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Thank you for granting us this audience. And it is a pleasure to meet you three brave travelers. I am Foustis Crew. Hello, Foustis Crew.

Hello, Foustis Crew. Thank you for having us in your anti-chamber. Oh, P. Chamber, you fool. Who is this idiot? This is Chunt the Talking Badger. This is Arnie, the Earthman. And I, of course, am Yusodor the Blue. But you may know me better in Velsmir as SMENCO! Yes, I've heard of you. I don't think he has either.

I've heard of everything. I've got my finger on the pulse, my digit in the widget, my dangle in the bangle. You're dangle in the fucking erta dangle in the fucking your tank so yes I am Oh I fuck tigers literally every chance I get how very Elevated of you yes that is intimidating tiger The only thing to fuck Well, I'm very impressed Mr. So I call you Sir Fouster's?

Just call me the Croumster. The Croumster? Croumster. I beg of thee. I know that you have powerful relatives, and I wish to speak to them in hopes that we shall gather their forces to join our quest to defeat evil. Oh, yes, yes, yes, everyone wants to speak to my relatives. Everybody just wants to speak to Todd.

Todd, Crume. Everybody, oh Todd, Todd, can we have your help? Todd, Todd, you're so powerful. You're the Lord here. All your other relatives don't mean anything. Todd, you're the one guy that we all love. Well, he doesn't fuck a tiger. Oh.

He's too scared. I've tried to pass my tiger off on him he won't. Oh the bitch. Do you think it's because he's scared? Maybe he just... Yeah, it's a savage beast but I contain it with love. Maybe he's just not into the what sort maybe he's just like. He's dying. Don't defend him. Are you tame it with love? You say? Well yeah. Oh yeah. Oh. What's a knight out with you and the tiger like? Well, shots, a little bit of Molly loosing everything up, you know, I'm starting feeling it. All right.

You feed a woman named Molly to the tiger? Oh, you fool. I'm talking drugs, man. Who is the square? Sorry, sorry. He's from Earth. He doesn't understand a foolish culture. I'm from another world, and also I am pretty square by all measure on that world as well.

Arnie, Molly is a drug that qualifies you. You take it and it helps sort of a swage the situation or a pees any fears or you kind of get me some of this Molly. Look, look, I don't want it to come across that I have to drug the tiger in order to have sex. Sure, that. It wants to have sex. Yes, you've obtained consent from the tiger, I don't want it to come across that I have to drug the tiger in order to have sex. Sure, that's... It wants to have sex. Mm-hmm. Yes, you've obtained consent from the tiger, I'm sure.

Verbal! Good! What's a talking tiger? It makes noises, and I interpret the noises how I want. Mm-hmm. We know lots of talking tigers. We know two great blue tigers. Yeah, well, this one...

I mean, it doesn't technically... It doesn't speak this tongue, but it speaks tiger You know whatever. Oh you speak tiger. Yeah Yes, I do of course. Oh, wonderful look look look look my point is everyone thinks charge so great But that's only because he's the Lord and and I'll tell you I don't think he's great because he won't fuck a tiger Can I I and amongst other things, I mean, I don't even want to get into it, but I would. I am so sorry I hate to do this.

I'm sorry to bother you. It's fine. I have a friend who's a huge fan of Todd. Would you mind getting Katar, like random, like a message or something? Just like a fun, like, just tell him higher, like he actually just graduated, so like maybe like a fun, just like a quick message or something?

Um, maybe we'll see. Why don't we take the tour of the place? You know, I actually have a pretty cool pad here. Oh, I would love to see you. Todd's not the only one with a really great cast. You know what? I gotta say, Crimster, I think you're cool. I don't know anything about this Todd person you're talking about, but I like you. And we'd love to see everything outside of the on-teachable.

Ah. A cultured man. Thank you. Fuck. Okay, so cultured man. Thank you. Fuck. Okay, so here's the hallway. Oh, I love these tapestries. Oh, this is mostly tigers in the tapestry. Yeah, and I've, yeah, oh yeah.

You're gonna set on a big tiger thing. Is that all the same tiger or different tigers? I've had many different tigers throughout the years. I'm not really, I'm sort of monogamy when it comes to my tigers, but they get it. It's pretty hard to tame this beast, and I'm talking about this beast. Sure, sure, sure. And I'm also talking about this beast. Yeah, you're pointing right at your dead.

And then backwards to your asshole. And right back there. That is one of the most savage beasts of all. I've never heard somebody call their asshole a beast. Well, might have digestive issues no it's entirely sexual okay it's about what goes in yeah yeah but I'm gonna I'm gonna remember that one from my from my just for myself sure sure I guess that you don't mind if I use that I talk about my you not my sort of I guess unleash the beast kind of yeah oh you're gonna go bathroom, say, time to unleash the beast. Welcome to the jungle.

Yeah. Okay. Now, I noticed that the tapestries are all of tigers, but that the window at the end, the stained glass window is of a beautiful rose. Yes. My family's schedule. Oh. You see, in my family, the royalty is chosen.

The parents choose their favorite kid. Oh. And they become royal, and everybody asks, just sort of left, you know, hung out to drive in this shit dump. I can't believe. I think it's a very nice shit dump. It's only 7,000 square feet. Oh, God. How big is Lord Todd's place? 120,000 square feet. Oh, God. How big is Lord Todd's place?

120,000 square feet. Unbelievable. You have been wronged, sir. Yes. And listen, square footage aside. What they also get to do is when you pick, you pick, you're sigil. Hmm.

You picked a rose. To me, that's pretty basic. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, I'm going to have a, I'm going to have a realm. What do I want my sigil to be? Rose I guess they always say like only a prick picks a rose. Yeah, I mean, it's like you're selecting for a drop-down menu Yeah, you know sculling crossbones if you're bad rose if you're good. Yeah, already in fune if you go to certain bars or cafes

If they only serve dinner lunch or in a certain hour They'll be a menu that a bird will toss down only serve dinner lunch or in a certain hour, there'll be a menu that a bird will toss down. A straw and a straw. Falsen tiered lap. You'll just have a list, the litany of what you can choose from. Wow. Yeah. That's a drop down menu.

Do you have this? Not exactly. Close. There are things like that. Ah, me. The things on earth are very strange. What's the strangest thing on earth? The strange thing on earth is, the strange thing on earth is you know

Sometimes I told about marshmallows. Oh, you know what? These things are fucked up. What? Marshmallows? Marshmallows. What do we talk? All right, so well this is like this is giant like snack that you can get ones that are about like As big as you could hold like only two in your hand But then this is the fucked up part. Sometimes they make smaller versions. Are you stop focusing on size and get to it? We're in front of royalty. No, it's just like eating a cloud of sugar.

You said that'd be insane. Oh, oh Jesus Ruler of the eighth. The vomit. Made that first word that came out sound really weird. Yeah, yeah. Are you all right? Are you all right? I'm shocked. I'm shocked. All that sugar.

No, thanks. Oh, God. Also, I don't want to put it in. Here in this realm, we have a tremendous rampant diabetes. Oh, wow. We all have to watch it. It's a big problem. Everybody's pretty sensitive to it. Yeah, also, this guy's real jazzo's it. It's a big problem. Everybody's pretty sensitive

Yeah, also this guy's real jazzo's freak. I love jazzo's. I've been worshiping him since Well, how do you worship something that's so real you can't describe it since forever since before you were born I don't know it just is it just is yeah, you're just loving anyway if I had to pick the sigil It would have been I don know, sort of like a man about my height, 4 foot 1, 4 foot 2, sort of on his, all fours, and just sort of looking to the painter, like looking to you, and there'd just be a huge tiger on him just riding him and just just fucking him so hard he could see through time. Can I ask? Yeah, that's beautiful. I respect that. Yes. In the tapestry, how do you capture the fact that the tiger's been riding him

hard? So that exact phrase, how do you capture that in tapestry? We go to Limes. Like the tiger's eyebrows? No, no, you see you have like nearest back nearest rump That sweet sweet tiger rump you put Near East. Yeah. Yeah nearest nearest beast number two you put his with these little curved lines to sort of insinuate It's just like action. Yeah I don't want to put you on blast, but when you barfed that clearly is tiger come. Yeah How do you know that's clearly telling the truth? I'm a shifter. Clearly though, I've been a tiger.

Come on, there's a human stripes in it. You've been a tiger? Yeah. Could you? Oh no. He could be a tiger right now. Oh no, please. Wait, so have you been a tiger

and one of the things you did when you were a tiger was jack off? Come on. I know. I did. No, I jack off. Come on. I know. I get it. No, I get it. I just I never thought I'd meet anyone like me. Every time I shape shift I excuse myself for the bathroom. Just for five minutes. Just to get a visual sense. Yeah. You gotta know. And hey, it came in handy. It did. It did. You're right. It came in it. You came in handy? Well, if I masturbate, I came in my handy. Yeah.

So, anyway, this is the pool. Oh, indoor. Wow. Yeah, I like it. It's very beautiful. What is this? What is this in the pool? Like, what is this, this is water?

Oh, yeah, water. Yeah, but then those things in the corner are dead sunken bodies. Yeah, okay. We've got a goblin problem. Oh, real house. You do? Yes.

Just popping up everywhere. That is a real problem. You know what? We have a problem. That problem is that we need help to defeat evil. Yeah. And you have a problem that you have too many goblins in the house. That's not even my number one. What's your number one?

Number one. Let's see if we can help each other out here. Yeah, you you fuck our back. We fuck yours All right, well, let's some let's go to my study I've got a little cocktail bar there my fix us all my I would love a drink sounds good Perfect Can't help it. No, it notice we're walking into the pool. Yeah. I just have to. I'll trust you.

The study's under the pool, I'm assuming. Okay. Okay. Some of this equipment is so... Can't imagine if there's a secret door that all that water's going to just flood it. Well, in order to open up, you see that sort of thing that's poking out of the wall there in the pool. It's sort of like a little cylinder thing. Yeah. You just put your lips around that and sort of...

Oh, oh, oh. He did not hesitate to do this. Yeah, and nothing happened. Yeah, prank, prank, prank. You meant, prank. I was a good one. You got us. Yeah.

It's this one. See, the other one. Were someone painting me while you did that, prank? Am I being painted? Hi, mom. Hi, mom. You're on candid paintings. But what a great show. A great show that turns to your honor.

Great play. Anywho. Yeah, no, that was just a prank. You know, the studies over here. OK. I love a good prank. I love a good prank, right? We're all forbors or something right now.

Yeah, that's kind of my humor. Well, there's a nice big fire going here The fireplace will try off in no time. Oh, yeah, let me just lean my arm up against this sconce here The fireplace turn Yep, and now through here Oh, that's got to be dangerous having a fireplace that can turn like that working fireflies and it only turns but it's lit Couple of things need to happen. How many castles have you gone through? Well, they're made of stone, so I don't know.

You can light it up if it doesn't happen. I do it all the time. Oh, that's fair. Anywho, Manhattan? What's this? You want a Manhattan? A Manhattan. A Manhattan.

It's a drink with a man and a hat. Yes. Oh. You've never seen two-inch man in a drink?. No, two inch man and a drink. Oh my god I would love a man hat in you got. Thank you Okay, hello. What's your name help me please? Oh God. I'm a prisoner here. I'm so sorry. I have to have this drink. Oh Jesus He was barfing while he was being killed.

Ah, anyway, listen. Listen to me. I'll help you. I'll help you do just about anything. If you help me, okay? I'm second in line to Lorddham, and Tard, my brother, stands in my way. Maybe there's something we can be done about that. We can be done about that.

Let me rephrase that. Maybe there was something we can be done about it. Yeah, I think there's... You want to take a few more takes? Are you right? You have one more second. One more second. We're in your court. However, perhaps there is a thing that once will be done about it, when no time could tell you.

Wow, you seem so tense. Yes, because what I'm proposing is pretty tense. Yeah, I believe once it is, will be done, we can do what you have asked us to once do do. Yes. To do what we do can be done, if asked. Well, then, allow me to ask it. Perfect. In my family, in when you are crowned, Lord, you have something called the Tuntelman's key.

Lord's get crowns? Lord's get a Tuntelman key. They're crowned with a Tuntelman. Okay. The Tuntelman's key is the sacred artifact that if it is in your possession, you are Lord. If we can steal the Tuntelman's key, then I will be Lord, and then I will help you on your quest. Do you know where the Tuntelman's key is kept? Inside my brother's Tuntelman.

Oh. Tricky. For the key is what unlocks the Tuntelman, but the key is inside. Cow, devilishly clever. Oh boy. No, I just wasn't sure if let's like my the only one that doesn't know what a Tuntleman is. Don't be an idiot. Oh yes, you are.

Okay. What do you think it is? I don't know. I'm just taking a shot. Take a shot. You know what? I'm hoping it's just... No Arnie, take a shot.

Oh, alright. Don't take that man. No, no. Oh, chases. Don't trick that man. Don't know. Oh, chasus. Christ. Chasus, crost. He's still alive, man. And I'm gonna do everything I can to get out of here.

You son of a bitch. No. Oh, God. Maybe I could start a fire. The acid, it burns me. That's half the fun of drinking a man hat in. Yeah, you open your mouth and you hear the sounds for a little bit. It's kind of like what you could talk about pop rocks. It's kind of like that.

But I'll die. I'll die like all my friends. Oh no. They're all dead. He's got unleash the beast. Yeah, I am gonna shit in there. I'm gonna fuck your stomach up, man. I'm gonna shit in here. No. Dickhead.

Arnie, why'd you give him that ammo? About it he would have eventually shot when he died you would have half-dome had oh Guy so we got get this tunnel men's key, okay, we help we help him out We help out help out the coomster. What's the crumester doing for us? Getting this access once he's a lord. He'll be able just to commit his forces to our army and our quest. I'll be able to rally over 40,000 of my best troops. Oh 40k. They're called war hammer. Oh holy cow. I mean they're small, but they're painted beautifully. Warhammer. W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w and like how are we gonna make this happen? Do I have to keep answering stupid questions? Everyone know what a tantalman is. A tantalman is a gentleman's lock box.

Okay, so you put it around your waist, okay? And there's a larger pouch up front or a box and then there's a strap in the back. It used to be very in fashion that it was go-shin-outs back in fashion. You can hold all kinds of things in there. You wallets, you keys, your photos, or your tiger, or your tantalman's key.

No. But it just hangs there right in front. in there you wallet, you keys, your photos, your tiger, or your tunneling's key. Oh. But it just hangs there right in front. Some people put it on the side, but a real gentleman will put it on the front. Yeah, that's how you know that you're of some import. How are we gonna do this? Is this something we can... Let us take a break while we confer and come up with a plan. And actually, Krumsir, can I get a manhattan? Of course.

Danny, go a little bit. Oh, I'm into it. This is it. This is what I'm dreaming of. Shaz is crost. Mmm. Get him out, get him out, get him out. I'm gonna make a mess in here.

No way, I'm hanging on. He's on my u-gula. Yeah, yeah, you like that? Oh, I'm fucking u-gula. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, no. This is my life now. This is my life now. Oh, yeah.

How did it go at all? Get in town, I'm not reaching in your mouth. I'm going to find someone else to do my business. Your whole body's mine. Oh, no. It's like inner space, but like erotic. I mean, look, inner space is pretty erotic. This one's even more erotic.

Oh, you know what I like this little purve in your mouth. Mm. Oh, I think he's got. Until next time, bitch. Okay, look. My brother's house is literally next door. Okay. It's massive.

Oh yeah. We just go over there, we find his tunnelman, and we get the key, and then Warhammer 40k is yours You some amount of subterfuge Sneakery I'll tell you what should I distract my brother. Yeah, I'll give him Give him who I know what to do. Um, can you have him write my friend a message? It's just like it just like a nice personal thing I'm sure I'm sure he uses all the time. It's perfect. No, it's perfect. He loves signing autograph. It will appeal to his ego. He loves signing autograph I mean that's and then you go sweet. I'm sure he can do his Tuntumans chamber and grab it

There are a few traps Musqueer where up but you'll figure it out What I think he means pranks. There's gonna be an indoor pool. I'm gonna pass something on my mouth. Oh, guys, on the one hand, I'm flattered that he thinks we're smart enough to figure it out, but on the other hand, he's wrong.

I have no fear of these traps. I shall attack them each. Or come there, clever roses, and find my way to the tunnel. And... Is there a fast passage to get a- to get next door? Oh, yes, can we- is there a- is there a fast passage to get to get next door oh yes can we is there a secret passage between the two houses oh you're talking about underman's way yes yes yes I mean why would you want to use underman's way it's a direct passage from here to my brother's tunnelman's room no whoa oh

oh it seems like it's easier than going into traps. Yeah, honestly. I know we don't earn it, but it seems like a... Okay, so just to be clear, we're all voting to use Endermen's way. I mean, I think so. Are you voting to use Endermen's way? No, I want to re-want my brother and put you guys through trap hell. Oh, I mean, that does seem like it would be good content. That's a problem.

Before it was just traps now is trap hell I think we do the inner man's pass. Let's do the inner man's pass. Why not? Oh, fuck it. Five. Just wait, wait, wait, wait, fuck. This might be the first trap. We'll do the trap hell. You serious? Yeah. Great Wow, this is awesome Follow me and I'll knock on the door Hello, I am you said or you may know me better as Smanko the blue wizard, okay, we understand you are the lord of this region. Yeah, I'm Todd I'm Todd, Todd Croum. Oh, hey Todd.

Hey guys. Todd, so nice to meet you. You know, right on. You know your brother. Oh, hey Faustus. Hello. Braaa! We should take a step back and let them do it.

They probably haven't seen each other. Excuse us for a moment. We know you want to catch up with your brother. Oh, sure. Yes, no, we do. We do, brother, I just have something I think you should sign. It's an autograph and maybe my friends can use the bathroom if possible. Yes, we all need to defecate in your bathroom. Yeah, we all need to unleash the beast.

Uh, sure. Wait, you want to get fucked in the ass? Wait, what did I say? You've been hanging around my brother too long. He's not letting you have six of those tigers, are there? Uh, no, it didn't come up. He's implied he would like us to. Ah, Falsus, what are you doing, buddy? It's my life!

If I can and they want to, everybody wants to! Jesus, man, they're tigers. Uh, yeah, sure, just down the hallway there, past my pool. Thank you so much. Alright, here, follow me. Oh, yeah. Quickly, we must find the Tantalinsky, but we must be prepared for the first trap. Ooh, this is glass of water.

I'm a little thirsty. No, don't drink that. Oh, it's made me more thirsty. That's the trap. Is it a thirst trap? It's a cursed water that makes you want more water So it's not a thirst trap. It is a thirst trap. It's really kind of fun if we call it that We guess exactly. Okay, let go of the thirst trap

And you said no it makes you more thirsty for it. Oh, I didn't mean to say no I meant I was explaining what it did Don't keep drinking the same wine It's made me even thirst here. Yeah, what do I do? You look here's a different water. It's not oh, yeah Okay, see there we go. Yeah, you do I do? Here's a different water. That's not, oh yeah, okay, see there we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, first trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip, first trip.

First trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip.

First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip, first trip. First trip,. A little white sea, like a little counter with like bouncy balls.

Or like some sort of like monster you put on your finger. There is a counter with bouncy balls and a little finger monster. Oh, that's fun. Oh, that's fun. And with 20,000 points, you can get a drone. Okay, a drone? Gotta get that drone. Everything else is off. We knew that drone.

Imagine fantasy drones. Don't worry, it's you. Like a dragon. Okay, so chill. Okay, there are a lot of swinging blades next room. It's not exactly a show how to get through here. What's the twist here? You know, I might just be swinging blades because we just have to try and not be cut by them. Or maybe that's what they want us to think. They want us to think that we don't want to be cut by them?

Mm-hmm. Well, they'd still be right. They used to try it. Try to not be cut by them? Try to be cut by them. And here, I suppose I am basically immortal. So if I'm cut by one, it won't matter too much. Here.

I cut off most of my art. No, lost 100 points. Okay, so that's wrong. I could try motherfucker. Oh, damn it. Let me out. Let me out. Maybe I can help.

Sure, like this. To be fair, he's little. He could run across. He's two inches tall. He could run across, and there's a button over there. So maybe that's a lever that stops the swing. Yeah. Oh, here.

Let me, let me, let me work this. Yeah. I think I know how to talk to him. Yeah. See a nice little bitch. Oh, God. Dude, a little punk bitch. I'm a funky bitch. Oh There's got to be another way to do this You got a nice mouth. I want to come screen through there Oh, I can pick a little lips you want to squeeze out of my pocketered little lips? I can barely look big. Oh, nasty.

Little hog. You feel me rolling around on that tongue here? Yeah, a little piggy, a little piggy playing in my tongue mod. You know, playing my tongue mod? You little piggy? Yeah, let me out. Yeah, screw for me, piggy. Hey, hey. So, piggy, piggy, please.

Oh, wait, I found the lever. Oh. Ha-ha, sucker. I couldn't take much more. Damn it. I'm never getting out of here. Now there's a precedence. Trap 2 completed!

Another thousand points. Good for us! Yeah, we're doing good. Now onto the third and final trap. I assume final. I don't know. Everything is always going to be in threes, right? Can we search out other traps just so we get 20,000 for that Dr. Ruler 3 It's truth in comedy. Oh, oh no, it's a copy of truth in comedy. Oh, we have to read it. We have to read it the whole thing

All right, there's so many spelling errors. Oh, that's what a third beat is. I don't know Sunright I was more of a montage. I could probably scan it right like So the picture. Check it. The rod. I'm never gonna need to use that. Jettervoir. Object work. Oh, that's what it is. That's a test.

We have to hear something in the page fillout. We have to do object work. We have to hear something from the page fill out. We have to do object work We have to mine that we're in a kitchen. Oh, no. Oh, you mean making omelets like this or maybe turning on the faucet to wash our hands like this? I guess I could grab some cabinets from up above the refrigerator Challenge 3 complete Even though I walk through the fridge, I know. Tuntlements room accessed. What a hear.

Do you know? We're at 19,909 points. Oh, here he is. Maybe we'll get some bonus points if you figure out how to get the Tuntlements key out of the Tuntlement. Hmm. I know. The Tuntlements key out of the Tuntlement.

There's a keyhole, right? If someone was small enough to fit through the keyhole, I know just the person. Well, well, well. Look who comes crawling back to me. Tiny little fuck. A little worm. Do me a favor, put that little dick on my top. You're being recorded. You're being recorded. I'm blowing you up, man. I'm blowing you up. 2019, you can't do that here. It's 2019, what is that?

You're fucked. Now let me out of your damn mouth. OK, cool. Yeah, yeah, that's right. All you guys are fucks. What? You've been eating me and my friends. I didn't just fuck you in there. I put a bomb in there. So you wait you did fuck in there? I'm putting you on blasts. It's 2019. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? And you have a vendetta that makes sense. So you're trying to blow this badger up, but it's still helping us, I really appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Just stop eating Manhattan's, okay? I swear. Absolutely. I shall never have another Manhattan. And I shall in return make you a full-sized man. Wait, you said, or we need him to crawl inside the thing. We'll have to get to the key.

Really, you mean it? I swear. I've dreamed of being a full-size man. I'll do this for you as soon as you bring us that key. Ever since I knit my nuts when I was a kid, I haven't been able to grow. Wait, how big? No, don't do the math on that.

Oh, don't worry, I won't do math. Just don't do it. Okay, here I go. Wow, this is a big keyhole, the fit of two-inch man. And I mean, just your sparse keyhole size. I mean, looking at it now, I probably could have just fit my finger. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You can do it. You stuff in there. We wouldn't say no to well There's about 10,000 tickets. I don't know what for to ride bring out one Okay, wait, how many we need we need 20,000 we have 19,000 or do points equal tickets? I think we need a hundred I think if he brings out the key we can open it and we can figure it out

No, no, no, no, no, I'm not falling for that again Bring one ticket bring two bring tickets in case we break one. Okay, bring in a couple tickets and then, and this key. Thank you. What is your name? Neil. Neil? Neil Nanners.

Neil Nanners. Graf, Tromboth, Galath, Klaa, Kioff. Oh! You made him big inside the box. Ah! FUCK! Oh, I- I thought he was-

I thought he was all- It was a break! I thought he was all the way out! No! Oh, ah! Fuck! Quick open it! I'm not here!

I'm not here! I'm not here! I'm not here! Niel! Niel! Kill me! This might be a trap. I This might be a trap Every bone please Just kill me yeah, I'll kill them quickly with my soul wait wait wait, what about the bomb inside chants body? I was lying. I don't like to make a bomb What the hell? Oh shit!

Ah! Oh. Tell my wife and I can't. Oh, it's me. Oh, no. Anyway, all he said was tell my wife and my kid. I mean, how? Tell him what?

We just tell him that he died? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's tiny little address book here. Oh, there's so many manners in this area. It's some going on in my tournament's room. Nothing at all, Todd. We found a dead guy. Oh my god.

What a terrible scandal that could undo your very rule. Please don't tell anybody. It's 2019. There's only one person I can tell, and that is your brother. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, Todd, you fool! Well, you were busy signing autographs. My insidious companions here were stealing your tunnelman's key. And now I'm doing two things. I'm ruling this kingdom, and I'm changing the sigil to a man getting reamed from behind by a massive tiger! And you're committing your forces to help people.

Oh, yes Oh, yeah, and I'm using Warhammer 40k for something really cool. I wanted to use for Forever 40k for something Todd. What did you want to use Warhammer 40k for? We had a beach volleyball tournament. Well not anymore now they're being committed to war and as first act You got a GTF. Oh Don't know was he trying to say GTS Brown? You got a JTS Brown. Oh, we didn't read that page. No Todd I believe he's telling you to get the fuck out. Oh damn Todd face You'll regret this at some point in the future. You'll all regret this Todd real quick before you go

I'm sorry to do this I have my friend would be manifested in asked you mine I'm writing a message to me. Is that not what I was doing. Oh, did you yeah, of course? Oh, thank you so much Fuck off Tom Sucks not being a lord You know the crumeter doesn't seem so bad We probably can put someone terrible in charge of velsmir right hey guys We're doing this tiger roger. What oh? I mean I gotta say you know, John. I know you're doing this tiger roger what? Oh I mean I got to say you know

John I know you're a real tiger fucker anyway so that was my nickname in high school. Yeah I know. Yeah I saw you your book. Everybody have some are tiger fucker? Literally everybody called you tiger fucker when they sign? Or sometimes tiger beat because they used to beat off Tiger. Including the teacher. Well, let's do this. I'm down. I mean, there's gay, and there's, hey guys, Martina Navra Tolova called and said, maybe dial it down just a few Freddie Mercury's? Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Shunt the shapeshifter was played by Adolf Refy. Faustis Crume was played by special guest Thomas Middleditch from Silicon Valley. Check out MiddleDitch and Schwartz.com to see if his live, two-person improv show with Ben Schwartz is coming to your town anytime soon. Oh yes, in this episode he also played King Todd, assorted tiny men and pretty much everyone else. Try improvising with him. Bring a book. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp,

Matt Young, and Adolf Refyre. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwool producer, Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. The Hello from the Magic Tavern logo is by Adlet LeBan, theme song by Andy Poland, additional music by Tim Joyce. Remember Momo the mouse with human strength?

She's the guest on this week's episode of Earth Games, where she plays a game of scatter clip. Round 4. I'll go first again. Villains slash monsters. I wrote Skogledeth. Ooh. Who? Who? That seems like that's just sound, but it's not. It's definitely not. Who?

Skogledeth. It's the oldest story of all time. Yes. Oh, yes. Skogledeth. He did not breathe fire like a dragon or shoot lasers out of his eyes like the goddesses, but nay, he did not look upon me. Oh, I thought you meant what he made.

He did that too. He would name, RRRRRR! Out of his butt. Out of his butt. A butt name. A butt name. That's my favorite part. And then, seven angels appeared sent by the goddesses each with swords of a different color fire

And he's they struck him directly through the eyes Killing him on the spot. Oh Yes, I put down snake man All right like Netflix said after one season of Tuka and Verdi That's about enough to hear the rest go to stitchoprenium.com slash magic and use promo code magic for a free month. Well, might as well find my reading glasses for the angry letters from the society

against the portrayal of tigers in gay sexual situations that are about to come pouring in. Yet again, I find myself saying, seek freed, Roy, I was wrong about you. Part of me, uh... Hello? Hello? Are you Mrs. Nanners? Of course I am.

Do you have a child you're married to Neil? Yes, Neil Nanners. He wanted us to tell you. He wanted us to tell you. What? Our job is done. Have a wonderful day. Tell me what though. That's all he said. wanted us to tell you. He wanted us to tell you. What? Our job is done. Have a wonderful day. Tell me what, though. That's all he said.

He said to tell you. I need to know one thing. Mm-hmm. Did he... Did he ever... Did he ever get big? He was big. He died big.

Also, not to parse through this, but... He said his nuts were cut off when he was young. How did he have a kid? I gotta go. Something's on the a kid? I? Got to go Something's on the other I don't want to burn it. It can wait right no, it'll burn Can your kid come out and talk to us? I'd really rather not have my thing that instantly up and burn okay? What's what is it? It's food? I don't smell it. It's food I have to eat food in order to live so what are you doing?

Have to eat food in order to live so what are you doing? Hasn't she suffered enough? I'm just kill her husband. I'm just curious I'm just curious What's that honey? Yeah, I'm coming. Yeah, that was him. Did you hear him? I don't think so yeah, he was a little kid and he was asking where I was because he was also worried about the food burning hmm Yeah, can you go inside and get them? Or can I just... Why do you want to see my child? Are you wearing a hair?

No, I know. Oh, I'll shut the door. Oh, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God you, Mrs. Nana. Thank you, Mrs. Nana. Yeah. Phew.